writingstuffb

[writingstuffb]

Retrospectively

‘So they say that you know who your real friends are when you face a problem. When facing a problem you really truly see the true colours of those who you believed and perceived as “True Friends” or even “Best Friends”; one thing that i will never forget and i have now learnt is that no matter how great your friends seem they are never really your best friends. Growing up we have every faith that friends are forever or that friends are the family that you can chose. That’s where they’re wrong, yes your friends are the family that you can choose but they are not and never will be your friends forever. Until you reach adulthood, your friends are temporary people in your life that will have very little meaning, because if you give them that importance in your life and open up to them, you tend to get disappointed.’That was 16 year old me, and I’m surprised to say I wasn’t all wrong. Looking back at my schooling years I realise what a journey it really was. I clearly remember the chain of events which led me to writing this piece (just a snippet). I remember feeling so lost and depressed that I questioned everything about myself, my reality, faith, family, friends, and my character. I questioned my ability to care for others, I questioned every emotion I felt and always rewired it to mean that I was selfish and didn't care about anyone or anything. I had overthought everything to that depth that I had believed I was incapable of being me. I didn't know what or who I was. Nor did I have anyone to rely on or to help pick me back up and for that I am forever grateful. I’m glad my so-called friends didn't care, I'm glad I distanced myself from my family, I'm glad I got prank calls to my family home, I'm glad I was alone.Having experienced the darkest time alone was the best healing and spiritual period of my life. I may always describe those 5 school years as the worst years of my life, but they were the most character building and healthy periods of growth I have ever experienced. Being alone pushed my to realise that relying on people is not it. It pushed me to refocus myself and concentrate on my faith and it made me place my trust in God (this is another topics alone so I won't go any deeper). 16 year old me wasn't wrong about expectations but she was wrong about friends. Friends are important people in our lives. They are the family we choose. This doesn't mean that they stick with us throughout life, definitely not. Based on my experiences these are the types of friends I have had and continue to have to this day:

Best friends: took my a while to realise this, but I have a couple best friends, but this title is nothing but a title. Often our best friends or who we perceive as our best friends are people we think of when the word friend comes into a conversation. Someone I perceive as my best friend is someone who I can rely on, who has understood my personality traits and knows how to deal with them. This does not mean that they cannot fault me, rather that they can fault me and do so with me. 

One thing I will say is that we can often perceive people as our best friends simply because we spend most of our time with them. But this isn't healthy. I remember someone I perceived as my best friend and I thought that they would always be there for me, but they weren't. Every instance I needed them to simply present to listen to me, or just be the shoulder to cry on, they never answered my calls. They prioritised trivial things and never even called me back. When I would see them, they would reply with a simple ‘I’m not a caller I’m a texter, text me next time’. So I would text... no response. To avoid such heartache, reflect and evaluate your friendships. Take a step back and see when have they proven to you through actions that they genuinely care for you, want whats best for you, share your happiness and success with you and push you to be a better person.

Circumstantial friends: now this is the largest group of people we will befriend. A lot of the people we meet are circumstantial friends and there is nothing wrong with that. They crossed your journey for a specific reason in a specific time. They either joined your journey as help and taught you a lesson or you taught them a lesson. They were for that specific time and nothing else. You are often friends with them simply because you see them all the time.

Sometimes it is difficult to label people as circumstantial friends but it just sort of happens. If you genuinely want someone in your life or if they want you in theirs, just send them a message. A simple ‘Hey, I was thinking about you how are you?’ and from their response/the conversation you can tell if there really is a friendship there after you have left the time frame you were friends in. One thing to look out for is who makes the most effort, does the conversation only happen when YOU send them a message, and are YOU the only one who drives the conversation, if so there aint a friendship there. Unfortunately, you gotta leave them where they were. I have a specific example, during my last year at secondary school I went through a lot of shit and I confined in this one person who lets call her Charlie. Bless her soul and I am forever grateful to her, she really listened to me and heard me when I felt as though I had no one to turn to. Charlie actively helped me in this situation and showed me that there was a silver lining and helped me believe that I would be okay. A year later, we had graduated school, moved to college and we both ended up at the same college, we stayed fairly close, spoke every morning, spent lunch together and then one day we just stopped. Nothing wrong had happened, no one fought we just stopped, when we saw each other it was a casual hello and that was it. Another two years go by and we go to the same university, different campuses, but we don't speak at all, we don't see each other, nothing. There are no bitter feelings, no sadness nothing. We both understand that we were circumstantial friends and that’s okay. Close friends: friends who you rely on and trust. It is as simple as that Mutual friends: people who are friends with your friendsand that concludes my experience of looking back at my life in the a fairly short list. I really need to work on how to be concise ik. I hope you enjoyed reading this piece and I hope I stick to this and continue writing stuff.signing offwritingstuffb x