writtenindividual

[writtenindividual]

first post.

I have been a part of the tumblr community (on and off) since I was 12, maybe 11. Since 2009, I have never made my own (written) post. Firstly, I am black and lower class. I never felt like I had a place I belonged on and off the internet. Around 12 was when I started to shape my identity. I grew away from the hip hop, rap and R&B music I was raised on, and started to fall in love with pop, pop rock and electronic music. This was rather normal in my community though. What wasn't the norm was how the following year I fell in love with Linkin Park and thus started my rock journey. Black girls liking rock music was not common. My love for rock then turned into metal and I found myself listening to Slipknot and the likes. But don't get mistaken, I still enjoyed other music and the next year I developed a love for alternative pop and indie like Lana Del Rey. I then fell in love with the Weeknd "Trinity" album before diving into the alternative R&B world that I've stuck to since. My point isn't simply music taste though. As a black girl with no money, I couldn't afford to fit into the tumblr world I was so heavily influenced by. I couldn't afford to buy $25 band tees at Hot Topic and go to the Warped Tour. I couldn't look like a hipster because I had brown skin and thighs that chafed (though I was only a size 3/5). But that didn't stop me from admiring from afar and wishing I could be lighter, skinnier and pretty. I completely fell into the "sad girl" era of tumblr and found myself looking for "thinspo" and attempting my first cut which didn't bring me the satisfaction they said it would, which made me even more upset I didn't fit in. I suffered through depression and extreme social anxiety based on traumas and triggers in my real life. Online was where I looked for comfort (and got it), but still I didn't "belong" and I wasn't pretty or thin enough. On the contrary, in my real-life black community, I wasn't pretty or "thick" enough. Feeling like I didn't belong anywhere was why I never posted on tumblr. I could relate to everyone, but it felt like no one could relate to me. I stopped tweeting on Twitter at 14. I lost my voice in a matter of years which led to many traumatic things happening to me. Adolescence was hard. But I'm through it now, and at 24, this is my first post.