wytaiwinter

[wytaiwinter]

Yearning for you soul, tainted and harmful to mine as it may be, is all I can do to be with you

I cannot be yours

I cannot touch you

I cannot cup your face and wish your tears away

Your body and mind do nothing but hurt me

Your words to me are drenched in distaste

So all I can do is write these silly poems, hoping to relinquish the chains you have locked around my heart, dragging it down to yours

[wytaiwinter]

Honestly, the reason I’m scared to love you is because of the same reason I’m scared to love anyone. I have so many issues that I do not want to fix. I see them, I see how they have negatively affected my relationships with others, but they are me. I am my strengths and my weaknesses in their entirety. I may be able to make it sounds healthy, but it’s not. I have a codependency with my mental illness and that is not okay. But I love me and I love my issues. And I don’t think I will ever be able to love anyone more than that, aside from the children I hope to have.

[wytaiwinter]

All I’ll ever need and all I’ll never have

[wytaiwinter]

I belong in the broken glass

Nestled between sea moss and sunshine

[wytaiwinter]

To be loved, the way I love myself. That is all I need

[wytaiwinter]

I am in a constant state of unraveling

My soul and body in battle

Fighting between tearing my sense of self apart

And desperately putting myself back together

Knowing it will never succeed

[wytaiwinter]

I am nothing

[wytaiwinter]

“I am human! I am human! I am human!” I scream out to the abyss. A sense of expanse taking over the environment that envelopes me. The ever growing universe taking the form of nothing.

My past self stands tall behind me, although physically smaller. She bends her presence in half and whispers into my ear, “We always knew you weren’t”.

[wytaiwinter]

In all the stars

In all the skies

In all the worlds

You are mine

You are my eyes

My soul

My heart, that relinquishes its autonomy

Just to be slightly closer to you than I was before

[wytaiwinter]

I want to tell you I love you

But the words no longer leave my mouth for you in the natural way they used to

An all encompassing dread traces even the thought of burdening you with such information

You are no longer the equal I once knew

When you forgave me

You became my messiah

Washed my sins away

You became my true and only muse

So my statement of I love you

Will never be worthy enough of you, until I have become messiah too

[wytaiwinter]

My heart is being ripped out of the murky trenches by my solace gasp

The last breath of my tolerance for loneliness

As you stand against the soldiers sword

I look up in aching eyes

Knowing I need your gaze to glance towards me

Begging you

With oxygen no longer in my lungs

Screaming against my physical disability

Scraping with hands down to bone

You must acknowledge

You must accept

What I need from you

Is nothing, except one in a million to you

But the last one for me

[wytaiwinter]

To let you see the raw, dramatic attempts I make to explain my mind

That is love

[wytaiwinter]

The quote that led me back to my love

- “The trouble with being born” by Emil Cioran

[wytaiwinter]

If I ever leave my god alone again

Left to rot on his own thrown

Puncture my sternum with iron

Collapse my soul into the chains and drag me back to his feet

For I deserve to be hopeful

For I deserve to be fulfilled

For he gives me all I could ever ask for in an omnipotent man

For he is my faith

[wytaiwinter]

I never believed in fate

Until I walked into the forest alone

The trees were my friends

The animals my food

I filled my own soul to the brim with love and admiration

Yet I was unquestionably empty

Regardless of how many prey I devoured

How many firs I burned down

My heart felt a suffocating tug no love and no hatred could fill

So I went back home to you, where I no longer eat, I no longer sleep, I no longer am loved by others

But I can write in peace

And I am truly happy once again

[wytaiwinter]

On my search for happiness I lost my sense of life

A writer who forgot how to hold a pen

A heart that forgot how to love

A deepened river which forgot its ocean

[wytaiwinter]

Through periless sanctity

I have developed my soul for this world

And it yearns it’s other half

It cries with the night

Screams within the storms

Begging on hands and knees

Through pride and prose

As I have gone too far down the expedition for truth

And have now sentenced my internal self to a fate worse than death

For my soul is self aware of it’s loneliness and limitness of flesh