xmistyriversx

[xmistyriversx]

If you can’t handle me at my mommy issues making me batshit insane then you don’t deserve me at my daddy issues making my hyper-sexualized.

[xmistyriversx]

I’m at the point where I hate my overthinking and thoughts again…

Because it feels like I’m always trying to rationalize things to myself and it’s obnoxious. My therapist was telling me about cognitive dissonance which is basically the idea that you can’t have two conflicting thoughts or beliefs. So for example you can’t be a smoker and consider yourself a healthy person because smoking isn’t healthy. So you’re always going to rationalize either the smoking isn’t that bad or you give in to the fact that you’re not a healthy person. So I mean really when I think about it, it’s all based on our belief system which seems kind of odd. Everyone has a different belief system based on how they were raised, where in the world that they live in and their environment. So is the problem the conflicting thoughts and the rationalizing? Do you really need to rationalize things or is your belief system just flawed? It can go either way, that you do bad things so you rationalize to yourself that you’re not a bad person or do you inherently believe that you’re a bad person therefore you just give in and do the bad things? Does any of it really actually matter? These are all made up rules in life but obviously they affect us and how our brains work. Our belief system is a big part of how we act, what we do, leads to most of my overthinking. So am I doing “bad things” and trying to rationalize myself that I’m not a bad person? Or have I always inherently thought that I’m a bad person and therefore I just give in and do “bad things”? Looking back I’ve always considered myself not the best person since I was a teenager. I mean I guess this is just a philosophical argument of which came first the chicken or the egg, does it really matter? Did I do something at some point that made me believe I was a bad person so I’ve just given into it… How do you change your belief systems, or do you need to change your behaviors so your beliefs follow or does it actually matter at all? Everything in this world is just made up rules, things people decided are right and wrong, good and bad. Nothing is real, it reminds me that time isn’t real, we’re always waiting, anticipating time passing, trying to slow it down, trying to speed it up but it’s just some fake idea. It’s all just about perception and the only perception that’s important is your own… because if it makes you happy it can’t be that bad… if it makes you happy then why the hell are you so sad?

[xmistyriversx]

Fight your Demons

It's super refreshing to be the good energy. I do feel myself getting tired, running out of energy, running out of focus, and starting to panic because I'm in the middle of this project. I always start something and then get distracted and never pick it back up. I have been doing really good at keeping on track, so much so that everyone around me notices. My boss commented on how well I've been doing since I've been back. My family, my sister, even my brother notices but It's hard to distinguish with him, because men and feelings… he has always been worried about me. He sees me as what I used to be again, the little sister he was always able to protect. We just aren’t good with feelings. I did have a shift in attitude before I went back to work. It sounded like I was in a really good place and I have been following through with it. Attitude is important and I need to keep my attitude positive. It rubs off on other people. It makes me fun to be around and the happier I am, the longer I want to stay happy, and it just continues into a cycle. I do put all my thoughts together with a purpose, for myself to keep on this track, to talk through my process, figure it all out and keep going because I know I'm going to struggle and I'm preparing myself for what's to come. It really feels like I'm starting to master mind control. It's all in the way you look at things and I like to have fun with stuff so keep having fun and make it work. It is a hard process to figure out though and that's part of why I'm documenting it and doing it the way that I am. My writing style might be confusing and hard to follow but it's truly my thoughts coming to me organizing and hitting the page. There's a little bit of editing but it really is mostly me figuring it out. Because I get the thoughts out and go back for an edit, feel a thought wasn’t complete and I complete it. That was something I felt was a negative about myself,I felt the need to be relatable and it's not a need so much as wanting to help other people. It sounds lame maybe, high hopes and I'm not upset if I don't reach people but I know what's working and what's helping me now. I'm trying to help fix myself and come back. Inner child work? Shadow work? All the stuff I won’t buy into? It’s also kind of like reaching out to my former self and give her a guide, an instruction manual to figure out her brain. And she would have tried to figure it out without the instructions because she hates instructions, she'd rather just play around, but It would have been a lot easier if she had something to reference to help her out a little bit. I've said for a long time, since beginning to try and process this and accept it, and I'm not fully there yet, I'm not really even that close it feels. I know there is someone out there, just like me, a reminder music helps… “I know there’s someone out there just like me probably keeping to themselves” Music always brings something out of me and feels so relatable and helpful. But truly I know that I'm not facing unique challenges, and that everybody deals with things differently and I truly just want to help someone. And it's not that no one tried to help me, it just didn't get through and maybe this won't get through, but maybe they'll stumble upon it, relate a little bit, sit with it and figure it out eventually. It is one of my favorite parts about myself, when I'm in a good mood, silly, goofy and I can tell that I'm making other people happy around me just by being so positive… you really do get back what you put out. So I'm working on it and I'm pushing myself and we are going to try to get rid of the ghost in the basement. Because I have the energy, I’m in the right headspace, we can come back out. I'm sitting on the concrete floor, surrounded by candles, incense, sage burning. I've already done my cleansing. I'm trying hard to maintain my positive focus, to put the positive down here to take the negative out, but I do feel it pulling on my energy already. It's okay, it's just not easy… I hear Birch prancing around upstairs back and

forth, feet touching the floor. It's a reminder that this is now not then but it scares me because I know there's something down here. Birch hasn’t ever been down here and I can’t coax him down. Dogs pick up on energy… I recognized he picks up on the weird mood I put out too… but regardless it’s confirmation something isn’t right. I do believe in my power and speaking things into existence, so I'm speaking my thoughts, trying to overcome them and get them all out. It feels corny and stupid, stuff I hate but I have begun dictating my thoughts. It helps spit them out and come back for edits… It all does feel kind of silly, which makes me smile, and that's a good thing because it keeps me happy. So I’m going to try something silly, to go to the dark place. The sillier it feels, the more fun I try to keep is a tool. I can laugh at it not in a hateful way? Keep myself light about the situation, not negative about myself. I always go the wrong way and look at myself as dumb when it feels silly but that’s not what it is. I’m not laughing at myself in this… we’re gonna be laughing right in the monsters face… I can manifest things, the ghost it's my fault… It was an accident, I use fault lightly… because ever since I moved in here I always said Dewey spent far too long having too good of a time in my basement. If he is roaming this Earth as a ghost this is where he is and I often referred to the Ghost being in my basement. It was meant to be a joke… And it didn't turn out quite the way I meant, but I spoke something into existence and ended up bringing negative energy into my basement… or more so inviting something to come stay. But it isn't Dewey down here, it's not really a ghost, it's just all of your negativity that will not leave me alone. Maybe it is energy in me when I come down here and this is me pushing it out. I really do wish it would stop, it creeps up and I just shut down because you always make me shut down. I even hesitate, not sure where to go from here feeling like there needs to be a beginning but I always know once I start it keeps coming. Maybe I can conjure you here and look at your disgusting self… being here is reminders of you ruining everything you touch because you lack concern, you have no respect for me and can’t even try to be careful. It’s a reminder of how fucking lazy you were, how much time you spent down here in this dungeon. At some point I tried to make it what I wanted but we always argued. It is mind-blowing to me, you trying to convince me to refinish this basement for you… and not compromising a single step of the way. Accusing me of being cheap when I found alternatives that stylistically I liked that yes were less money and made more sense. because you contributed absolutely nothing but wanted everything. You made me feel selfish it's “us” and “we” when it came to money, but when it came to wants it was you? It's the reminder of just how fucking selfish you were and it's funny to me because you always accused me of being selfish and honestly I just… I have never seen myself as a selfish person. I spoil myself now and get myself whatever I want and it's so refreshing because I never used to buy anything for myself. And you never bought anything for me which isn't surprising because you had no money and I don't even care about getting things honestly, but you contributed nothing, but wanted a lot. I would buy you nice things and not spend any money on myself and spend all of my money to support you… oh I’m sorry “our home” because it’s selfish that it’s my fucking house. The house that I fucking worked for and paid every single penny for and every single bill… But sure you deserve it… who’s selfish? And that's just the beginning.. you always flipped every single thing around. One of the only things you were good about was twisting stuff around. You did it so often that it became so messy in my head. Strings getting tangled together until they were an unrecognizable mess… I’m still stuck sorting it out. I think about you and how smart you think you are and it

makes me laugh, especially because you treated me like I was so stupid. But I knew what was going on the whole time the more I truly think back, I was really careful about certain things, the house that is MINE not OURS and that's a really good reminder that I didn't stay because I was dumb because I have that thought all the time and it’s time to let it go. I stayed because you manipulated me and scared me, played tricks with my brain. Because I was naive, I was a teenage girl and I always find myself relating the most to her and missing her because that is me, she just got lost. It’s understandable, you always twisted everything around and I don't know how you were so good at it. Because you're not smart, you're honestly one of the dumbest fucking people I know, you just had me fooled because you remembered a lot of stupid facts and did well at school and that's something I struggle with so it seemed impressive to me. But your logic and reason was all flawed, you don't understand at all how the world works but you tried to convince me that I had no idea. You always used my insecurities against me. That was my first mistake, letting you in at all, because some of my fears have always been there, the fear that I'll be like my mother, the fear that I’m bitchy, my body insecurities, all of it, you knew I felt unlovable and you used it against me. It did circle around to love bombing, you’d make me feel good enough sometimes but it was a lie. Honestly my insecurities really weren't that bad, it was typical teenage girl stuff mostly, I would have gotten better with it… instead it compounded because of you. You're just the fucking asshole that needs to put other people down. I was such a bad bitch, seriously, because I really did see right through you and I did try to stand up for myself… But you were better at arguing and that was probably my downfall. Honestly to this day it is a little ironic, because at one point I wanted to be a lawyer, but I hate arguing. It just feels like a waste of time when you have something you're clearly not going to agree on to not just drop it and move on essentially… And you would have made a good lawyer, you could twist it all, manipulate it and use all the lies… lawyers are liars… and I’m not the best at concealing the truth… We argued about stuff that had a clear right and wrong. Over facts of things that happened… I don’t remember the specifics but I knew I couldn’t be as wrong with my recollection of the situation as you made me think I was. You always caused just enough doubt, that never happened, prove it, etc… It started the mind circles… me knowing I was right and starting all the doubt. You’d be soo mad about how I was wrong… so convincing that I didn’t fight it and gave in but then I knew you would always win and confuse me and you just had me… you somehow did make me feel dumb. I was always worried about being crazy… and the psychological warfare you played on me completely amplified all of it. I went into the circles and second guessing, fell deep into the hole trying to understand. I did see all of your ways and I did try to fight it… You made me feel so ashamed for a very long time because of all the mix of naivety, teenage confusion and embarrassment, none of the emotions making any sense. But I'm not ashamed to have hit you. You did really use that fact against me very well, making me believe that I was in the wrong. and this is where I struggle with the details and needing to take myself back to remind myself things and I'm not going to get it quite right and I'm not going to struggle with it but I did hit you if you did deserve it. And when I get there and describe the way you treat me no one is going to disagree with me. I did something early on that you made me feel was so wrong and threatened to expose me to everyone. I would be this awful being and I don't know how you did it but she bought it. She did stand up for herself but a few times.. I really can’t remember the details, it’s not important, you always pushed it and deserved it. The thing

that scared her enough was the shame you put to it, the use of the insecurities against her… how you make her look to others… and you always threatened to “tell everyone how terrible I am”... because unfortunately perception is important… and I watched you talk so much shit about so many people… lies… bullshit… just fucking ugly because you have to hide behind it… I could only imagine the things that you would say about me. I shared myself with you and you used it against me. You would openly berate me in private… let alone the things you would say about me when I wasn't around, especially if I left... And I know now I don't give a fuck, you can say anything you want about me, because I'm not ashamed of anything I've done. I was worried about the lies you would spread. Because you are a very good fucking liar, well I take that back, you think you're a good liar but people see through it quicker than you think… it does take a little time so maybe don’t get too close to anyone... It would always disgust me to hear you make up stories to get out of things… and I’d tell you they didn’t make sense and people wouldn’t buy it… There's a lot of things you think you're really good at and it's funny because you're not good at much of anything, maybe some video games and smoking weed. I feel myself get so much more comfortable here because I do want to just let loose and shit talk you so bad I always spared your feeling every single step of the fucking way, no matter how you treated me, I always was concerned about your feelings. And that's part of just what's in me regardless of how you treated me. I cared about you as a person unfortunately and it probably did come from fear a little bit, the twisting from the occasional love bomb... I know that you're super insecure too, I know that I could absolutely destroy you and I'm still holding back like stopping myself, scared of you. It’s really funny. Honestly I feel silly about it and that makes me move on. I'm tired of feeling stupid like I did something wrong that girl she saw you, she's a smart fucking girl, she's a tough fucking girl. You tricked her in the beginning, love bombs, used every ounce of her against herself. You were a predator searching for weakness. Time goes on, things get comfortable… as comfortable as you can being completely uncomfortable with somebody because I always was wildly uncomfortable with you. You did have me scared to leave, comfortable enough, convinced there was no way I could do better. Time just kept passing, initially I stayed out of fear. I'm not going to pretend that there wasn't some fun sprinkled in the 12 years, but mostly misery, anxiety. I really don't know why I thought people would believe you over me, somehow there was just enough fear involved and insecurities. You started to flip it around on me no one's going to love you, you're such a btich, you’d call me a fat fucking cunt all the time, it did lose the sting the more you said it... and it's funny because like… you seem to like it most of the time I mean you were choosing to be with me. You did want to have sex a lot… too much… trauma inducing begging pleading… disgusting… this is hard to get out but it was almost always every single time forced. I never wanted to do that with you… why would I have. But I really did know that's how you felt, the mean comments were true, the loving begging was just used to get what you wanted… I'd hear you make comments, shit talk about people that look like me calling them supid fucking cunt bitches like a total fucking asshole. All the name calling, all the using my insecurities against me, just in the dungeon thinking about how fucking gross you are, how I had to fucking tolerate that. I feel bad for her putting up with your disgusting self. I probably avoided down here because I'm worried there's semen and Vaseline and chicken finger grease prints all over every surface. This is just a den of masturbation, marijuana, and video games and it sickens me. I need to take it back, like you got to go now I don't understand. I do want to attack

you, I killed you in my dreams a lot of times. You did flip a switch after my brother beat the shit out of you though and I did get more scared because you never fought me back until that happened. Just another thing you used against me and held over my head was me and my entire family and how truly evil we are. You secluded me from everyone that I loved and cared for… I know how big of a fucking pussy you are… “oh I didn't even try to fight back” … yeah okay. I know how much it bothered you because you always bring it up, make me relive it, not let me see my brother for years afterwards and when I just wanted to go see my family you'd bring it up. Sometimes you’d tell me how you could totally kick his ass and how lucky I was... Yeah I fucking see your insecurities dickhead because you are scrawny little fuck face. You did start going to the gym because you were scared, because you got the shit beat out of you. And you did toughen up and get to be a little scary. Honestly I became terrified of you because I didn't notice you were going and getting ready to fight back. And then I think about how fucked up it is that you had to go gain muscle so that you could convince yourself to fight me back. And I mean I didn't keep fighting you but so clearly you were terrified of me. I hit you like one time and you use it against me so flawlessly. But it was so fucking stupid and silly… like wow you were scared of me I know you were so fucking scared of me you had to go to the fucking gym… to prepare… to fight a girl my man. I mean don't get me wrong you accomplish being able to take me, congratulations. I feel myself getting savage and I love it. Weed, games. arguments, the fighting, screaming, yelling, spitting, I shut down. Sometimes it would go on for so long time eludes me. I just don't understand how time passes slow, fast has it been an hour? Has it been a year? I guess that's how I got wrapped up in 12 of the years. I really didn't participate much in the screaming matches in the beginning. I tried to argue with you and then I always got lost. And it was more giving up because I saw it was just going to keep going in circles and it wasn't going to stop until you got your way. I'm not stupid so I gave up and moved on. And it's not the same giving up that I'm doing in life maybe a little bit because you beat it harder into me, but I did see where it was going, I did know I had to let you win. It was never enough even with you winning the argument you wanted more from me. You push me further and further and further every single time. You accuse me of something. I deny it. I can't think of specific examples because here we go with you would want a specific example for me to justify myself. You would put me on the spot, make me super uncomfortable and I would completely freeze up and not be able to provide one. We would literally argue over my inability to provide you a specific example and how outrageous it was. And you wouldn't even accept my “I don't have one” it would get uglier and uglier and you would yell and scream, get in my face start screaming inches from my face spit flying. And again I cannot recall what we were arguing about to even think what I needed to give you examples about because that does not fucking matter. I admitted I was wrong even though I know I wasn't. You did know I was lying, you’d want me to explain myself further… I wouldn’t know how. It would get to be entirely too much and truly I stopped fighting back a long time ago because you made me feel terrible about it becoming physical… You tried to convince me I caused it and you didn’t want to hurt me, you were protecting yourself… But again I know how insecure you were, and how scared you were of me. And I don't see this as a lie. It's kind of an excuse because you are a good liar but it's not a lie that you're scared of me. But there is no reason for you to be scared of me in situations where you claimed you were scared of me. I was always in a completely unthreatening position. Most of the time I would be sitting motionless heart-pounding

scared shitless. Sometimes I would try to get up and leave. I really would try to leave and I never made it far. The times I did leave my phone would ring over and over and over you would literally call me 50 times until I picked up the phone and then you'd start your manipulation crying begging me to come back to you. And that's where it gets interesting because somehow I did care about you and you were so fucking disgusting that you use the shit like I'm going to fucking kill myself on me and it's going to be your fault. And like I know you're to pussy shit to do it, but it did fuck with my head obviously. It does come back full circle, you using my insecurities against me. Flipping it around I guess, because I fought depression genuinely for a long time and you knew that and I really just don't believe that you're that depressed of a person. You knew that my uncle killed himself and that it bothered me and that I didn't take it as a joke and that it was not something you should use against me. And it just goes to show more and more that you fucking suck. You used my depression against me so well, you lied and tried to help me but you always stopped me from getting help. You didn’t like pills so I couldn’t try a fucking anti-depressant… I'd always come back fucking have to comfort you, crying and it was really disgusting because I could always tell… you work yourself up and do some kind of fake disgusting crying, like a was not real. I couldn't always get away when I wanted to though. After I left a few times you tried to stop me, stand in my way, and block my path tired if I tried to push past you to get out of the way and run away, clearly not trying to fight, trying to get out. You would start pushing me around, sometimes throw me to the ground, you didn't really hit me, I honestly can't recall a single time you threw a punch because again you're chickenshit. You knew you couldn’t leave marks… but you did fuck me up. You pinned me down on the fucking floor, always holding me down helpless, pressing your elbows into me hurting me however you could. I was lifeless, not moving and it felt like hours you’d just sit there on top of me crushing me. And it always came back to excuses: you were just defending yourself, you were scared of me, I started pushing you around. I was always the one that started it… Honestly, I hesitate, is this too much now? I don't know, maybe this is just an attack and not me processing but I do feel like I'm reminding myself that I fought back… I have to keep fighting back and be who I was. I just should have kept fighting and that's a reminder right now that I'm going to keep fighting. I hold myself back sparing your feelings maybe a little bit scared I'd work you into a frenzy but I really just don't give a fuck. Especially when we go back to you thinking I’m selfish… I am being selfish right now, I need to expose you. I'm working on myself and so you're finally right for once I am extremely selfish. You can say whatever you want about me and I'll know what's the truth and I'll know what's a lie and I won't mistake it anymore. And also selfishly but kind of selflessly I really hope you're reading this… the next girl… he’s always gonna be after the next one. Not to take back and tell him but truly honestly I do worry about you. No one deserves to be treated like that and you do remind me of myself. And you are beautiful and special and you need to get the fuck out. I really don't know how processing works. I don't know how detailed I need to get and I don't know what this will do but I visited it and it felt good. It felt empowering. And that's what's important is it does feel like every time I go back a little bit on my terms when it comes up in my life it's not causing me problems. I’ve been working on this for a while now and it’s time to come out of the hole and take a break. You worked hard for this one. When I think about my energy level, my happiness level, I buy into my awakening more and more. I remind myself I deserve to brag about myself… because you ruined every single

accomplishment I worked so hard for. You stifled every single part of me. I was asleep for years, I have so much energy because I’m finally awake and ready to go again. I got so much shit done when I was asleep, just think of what I can do now that I’m awake. Because I do wanna brag, I have worked so hard my entire life, and it was all for me at the end of the day. You fucked me up got me distracted but I’m still here in the best place of my life. I worked my ass of to get through college, taking on a crazy fucking class schedule while working. And biggest fucking OBSTACLE in my life that I had to deal with - you, the drain the fucking needy bullshit. So I worked my ass off did good in school, got a fucking amazing job, got an aparment, several cars, finally a house, a promotion, I fucking did everything with you pulling me under. And everytime I accomplished one of these things you fucking stifled me, made the celebration of me into a fight giving me anxiety, not letting me enjoy the win ever. I never got to stop and appreciate all of my hard work… well I fucking do now. And I know I can come here and do this work and come right back because this was three days of writing, stopping, coming back, giving myself a break here and there stopping and having fun. You didn’t suck me back into a hole. I went from knowing shit to understanding, believing. I really did know I didn’t deserve it but I always circled back to doubts… just because you really fucking made a mess up there big time… and it’s not my fault you tied knots in my head that took a long time to untangle… but you’re not allowed to be up there and make a mess anymore. I always have to do more work… but I think I made a lot of progress here.

[xmistyriversx]

Life keeps throwing stuff at you it’s almost like it knows what you need, that you’re ready for it. I’ve had an irrational fear about someone knocking on my door since I’ve lived alone. I guess I assume like I open the door and someone attacks me? I mean I get it, it’s pretty silly, but the thought of someone knocking on my door scares the living shit out of me. And it’s something that crosses my mind and I go down a weird hole about sometimes. So with perfect timing, with me in a perfect scenario i.e. taking a bath, alas a knock at the door. It messes with me because I’ve always said there is literally no reason for anyone to come knock on my door and that shit would freak me out. I don’t live in town, like far enough removed no one should be here essentially, at least in my mind. So the knock happens and a rush of panic. My mind went at least five different places in a matter of half a second. And we landed on god fucking dammit I have to get out of this bathtub to answer the door. I calmed myself right down in terms of panic, probably helped that I was pissed off and annoyed honestly. I got out, got dressed, and with some hesitation I opened the door. Just a small crack, I was being careful, I was scared but I knew I needed to face the fear and open the door and get over it. Fucking Bible pushers obviously, not shocking, I am terrified for no reason. And flawless execution cracking out my bitchy tone, I say “please leave now, you are not welcome here.“ the please was clearly not meant… the nicest way I could open with get the fuck out of here now… they stared at me confused muttering, trying, I just plainly look at them and again say “Leave now, you need to go” I’m clearly pissed off, they finally get out does so-and-so live here? “do you not understand get the fuck out of here now“ and I shut the door, and I locked it, and I turn the fucking light off as they stood on my front porch to walk down the stairs in the dark. I walked away stupid proud of myself for answering the goddamn door. I sat with it proud of myself realizing my asshole father (truly meant in a loving way) taught me so well. I called my sister to share my success, knowing I’m doing so well, and she reminded me that’s the Laura she always knew. And then I got a little sucked into yeah, where has she been, what happened, maybe we can figure something out… That is me, I’m not scared of shit… why am I acting this way? It does bother me because I know the answer, I let someone beat me down entirely. I need to forgive myself for it because I always go to the place of anger… angry with myself knowing I absolutely could have, should have all day destroyed that motherfucker. And then I get to questioning and going around in circles and why was I so stupid.. what was so fucking special? And that’s the part that I’m struggling with the most, that I still blame myself and think it’s my fault. I know better truly, I don’t think for a second it’s all my fault but I let it creep in… the thoughts that I deserved it at times… but I can’t let myself have those thoughts and feelings because she was just a little girl. She didn’t know she stumbled upon a fucking monster. Because he was a monster and by the time she realized it he already had her beaten down believing all of it, she fell for it. She was scared, fearful now unlike before, not seeing the way out. I can’t be mad at the girl that didn’t know what she was doing… I love that girl and I miss that girl and she made a mistake. I can’t be so hard on myself for messing up… I want to hold her and remind her that it’s all okay… because it is all okay. She shouldn’t have had to do it, but she did, and she made it, and the mistake didn’t kill her.

[xmistyriversx]

Disgusting Motivation

I do need to keep documenting my process. It does feel borderline obnoxious and a little worrying that it can turn into an obsessive thing. It’s not lost on me that I literally WORRY about being OBSESSED… I'm realizing I do have calm and focus, and it always comes back. I need to remind myself when the thoughts are racing around that the focus will return and not panic about it. Because worry can be good you need to worry a little bit it helps keep you in check. And I do worry about important things about the what if I send myself into a panic attack during a manic episode, that's entirely too much energy for me to think about processing. And sometimes the worry does send me into the panic, and it is a problem but instead of dwelling on the worry I need to think about it more logically, think about things that can do to help myself overcome it. And that's the thing, I do lose complete control sometimes, but it isn't always impossible to bring myself back. Sometimes it's extremely difficult, I get frustrated, fed up, assume that it’s gonna last forever, send myself somewhere bad. That’s where my fear of failure come in, I hesitate to call it failure, but it feels like failure to me if I don't think I'm gonna succeed, perfect it, I don't even try. It isn't easy I need to do dumb little things to remind myself to motivate myself to keep going and keep trying. I'm never going to be perfect, but maybe I'm the only one that expects that from myself, I'm too hard on myself. When the frustration comes, I shut down when I'm having a hard time, I berate myself. That's the weird thing I know positive reinforcement works but I'm just not used to it. I don't let myself have it, like I don't deserve it, like if it's not going well, I should be yelling at myself because I'm used to getting yelled at. And this is where I remind myself that I do have a lot of the pieces and understand how they fit together better than I realize. I get caught up feeling like I make excuses for myself like these are all excuses for why I behave the way I do rather than try to understand that I don't need to do these things anymore. It really is all the unprocessed trauma, not all, but it's a big part of it. And I'm not dealing with it the right way yet, but I'm figuring out how to. Because I can bury it for a while, but until I fully process it, it’s gonna come back, and I started processing some slowly and it does make it better… maybe I’ll never get 100% but piece by piece it will lessen in severity. It's a scary place to go, to process trauma you have to take yourself back to what caused it. Why would you want to go back there? Why would you want to start down that path that sends you into the deep dark hole where you don't think you're gonna get out of? Then I start to realize I have been building the tools, I have been making a plan, sometimes I forget that's what I'm working on, but we are gonna go there but we're gonna be ready for it when we go there. Being ready for it when I go there is much more reassuring then accidentally stumbling down that path. We have this silly EMDR thing we try, we have our boxes to put things in, we have tools… Why fear intentionally going there with a plan, with a focus to try to heal. Instead of doing it when I'm in the bad place letting myself fall down that hole, while I'm having clarity, while I'm in a good place, that's when I can go there and deal with it. And it's hard because when I'm happy, I don't want to think about sending myself down a hole, I don't want to trigger the bad. It does feel like this is where overthinking can help me, because I can slow things down, create a plan, realize that it might not go the way you want it to. But you can't fear being sucked into the hole, it's gonna happen if you don't face it, so face it when you're in a good place, when you feel clarity. I put myself there when I'm all over the place and in a bad place that's just a recipe for disaster and it can happen accidentally. So, I have to stop being scared and just face it. I can recognize then I'm in a good enough place to

attempt it. I remind myself that I haven't been letting worry consume me, that everything flows, comes and goes, it's not gonna last forever. That is probably the biggest panic inducing part, when something feels like it's gonna last forever and it sucks me in, and I give into it. Because I try something, and it doesn't work and I give up, not even try next time because it’s not gonna work, give in to this is it this is what I'm stuck with. But I have been trying more, I've been making good habits, I've been pushing myself, the worry doesn't stay when it comes lately. Last night as I lay awake in bed, I finally admitted to myself just how bad aspects of my trauma are. I had a rush of memories about experiences and realizations of just how fucked it was. The deep sexual trauma I knew was there, but I guess I just convinced myself wasn’t that bad. And I know I’m in a good place because I didn’t get lost in it. Sure, it was a slap in the face, but it came, and I felt clarity about it, and I didn’t dwell just yet. Recognition first, get to where you can think about it more to process it. But the recognition came easy, I guess putting myself back there won’t be as easy, but I moved right on from the thought… reminds me I can control it and get out of it. The thoughts I need to remind myself to revisit. Just like right now I'm in the middle of a two-week insomnia battle. When I get like this, I panic convinced I need to stop taking my medicine because I'm out of control and something terrible is gonna happen and I keep waiting for the inevitable. But instead, I've just been keeping myself in check reminding myself that stopping my medicine is going to certainly send me into a hole, that would be giving up, not trying to see this through, weird one of my issues. So, it's so crazy to think that instead I'm actually gonna go talk to my therapist about my concerns about my sleep today and see what she thinks about it. HMMM... weird I know it is like I'm on the right track. Because it doesn't make any sense to me to have this much clarity and energy right now knowing that I only slept 45 minutes last night. I am super clear, oddly fine right now but it's a problem, I need to address so that it doesn't come bite me. Can't be scared of another medicine change, I don't wanna give up on this, I hate going through those changes and I don't think I'm quite there yet, there's other things we need to try before we give up on this path. But that is what stops me, a panic, a worst case I'm gonna lose the thing that helps me stay happy, I'm gonna have to mess around with these damn pills again and I hate it. But it is an unfortunate necessary evil, and I can't be scared that talking about an actual problem to try to figure it out will get me results that I don't want. I have to keep trying even if that means doing something different and there is a lot of hesitation, but here we are still going. My happiness and clarity starts to disgust me sometimes. I really do want, want, want, so much more for myself, but I don’t appreciate the little wins and take what I get when I can get it. Build my way up to where I wanna be and enjoy what I have while it’s here. I’m learning to though.

[xmistyriversx]

I can feel the crash coming tiredness consumes my body. My thoughts finally beginning to slow and dull, moments of peace growing longer. I embrace the periods of dissociation as they come during my high. My thoughts are so fast racing all around when I finally feel them stop and the numbness wash over me, it’s a sigh of relief, but it’s always quick to leave my body as soon as it came it’s gone again. And this is different than dissociation it’s actual sustained calmness, my thoughts really slowing down. They aren’t going to a bad place yet. I know I need to stop having expectations, fears that the worst will always happen. I want to continue embracing the hyper, the happy, the crazy as long as I can but it definitely becomes exhausting. Exhausting because the thoughts are so fast they’re fun, they’re happy, sure but the lack of sleep doesn’t help. I feel myself making actual progress handling the highs better as they come my way. Now I’m feeling the crash coming, feeling the calmness wash over me, breathing deeply letting myself relax and slow down for the first time in over a week. I honestly love that part of myself she’s so much fun but she is extremely exhausting and unsustainable. And I didn’t spend my fun time stuck in the thoughts turning them bad with worry. I expect the worst, I expect the equal, the opposite, the low, I hope this time is different maybe I do you have enough tools and recognition to make that happen finally. I was wild and maybe a little reckless with some of my thoughts but as the happiness stayed and the fun stayed, it was easier to cling to, to enjoy, and to not waste my time and worry. I started recognizing things, thinking of ways to use this to my benefit. It is difficult, the thoughts come so fast I just wanna spew it all out but it’s not all good some of it is just plain dumb. So I’m working on jotting it all down so I can revisit it when I’m a little clearer. I I lose my thoughts so easily because they come in and out of my brain so fast and when I’m happy and hyper and confused everything feels so important it’s easy to confuse. If I can sit with it and come back to it and work with it later, granted this assumes focus does come to me, someday maybe I can figure it all out, start making things a little less messy up there. I know I have a lot of thoughts I know they’re all really silly and I know I need to maybe slow them down but I hesitate to say think less. People point out to me but I think too much that I overthink everything and I absolutely 100% agree and know this but I don’t think it’s a bad thing. It certainly can be bad, it’s just what I do with it. And maybe people do get the wrong idea, that I really believe these things if that makes sense… I’m not exactly sure how to say it but it’s not always worry. It goes to worry and that’s not fun, but sometimes the over thinking the racing thoughts are fun for me, it gives me something to do, it’s not that I’m worried about it I’m curious about it and it doesn’t truly matter but maybe I do like to play around with the what ifs. Don’t get me wrong I go to the wrong places with it a lot of times but lately I’ve been just having fun with the pieces. I like to think that things are connected and I do get carried away and believe some more so than others but finding little pieces of joy, little pieces of silly that I connect to other things that have happened in my life… it’s just fun for me. I’m not worried about it all the time, I’m not truly trying to get to the meaning of everything, I’m not worried about if I don’t figure it out, I’m just keeping myself amused… like it’s a fun game it can be whatever I want it to be. It hasn’t always been this way that’s why I know things are changing, that’s why I know I’m changing, I’m healing and growing and I hope I’m making tools to stay happy. Because the crash is never fun but the crash has to happen. I guess it doesn’t have to be a crash I just am not sure if I can figure out how to slow it down to bring it level again, I don’t know if that’s possible. But for the first time in my

life I care about myself enough to put effort into figuring this out and keep trying to make it a smooth ride. I have bad habits of giving up to easily when things get hard. Since I was a kid if it didn’t come easily to me I was completely over it done. As soon as I would get the littlest frustration I don’t wanna do it anymore. I am a quitter I got over it some, I know there are things that I have to do that I don’t want to do and I do them but I lack consistency, follow through. It’s really difficult to combine the quitter attitude and the self-hatred and think that you’re going to get better. I recognize all of these things about myself it’s really hard to fix them but I finally see that I need to put the effort into myself and I don’t see myself as a waste of time and I want to sustain my happiness. Maybe I won’t be able to, nothing last forever but I’ve never really give it my best effort it’s pretty unfair of me to expect it to just turn around. The best thing I have going for me is my self-awareness which is 10 out of 10. It’s extremely painful sometimes because it does make me hate on myself but I need to harness it and recognize the things I’m doing that aren’t helpful. It’s hard when your memory is shit so when the thoughts come in and go that fast you lose it all you have to start from the beginning every single time it feels. I remember more when I translate it this way I remind myself where I’m going what I need to be doing and hold myself a little accountable. It certainly helps that its something I really enjoy because most of the things that are helpful I find lame. Just because you don’t like doing something doesn’t mean it doesn’t work but I’m a little bitch about it so let me turn that around. I just really hope I’m not full of shit…

[xmistyriversx]

Make Wave

It's Monday morning, I slept two hours last night and I'm wide awake, full of energy ready to roll. It feels a little weird, seems suspicious, impossible for me to be this ready to go especially for a Monday, especially when I haven't slept right in over a week... I start to think back, when was the last time I slept a full night? I count back days... Sunday, no Saturday, no, Friday, nope, Thursday, no, Wednesday, no, Tuesday, no, Monday, maybe.. but it was medically induced... So wait oh yeah, I took nyquil Monday because I hadn't been sleeping for a few days... fuck. The day went on and I felt fine, honestly just happy go lucky. I'm just not used to being happy... but afternoon sets in and I start to get tired. It's a relief for sure but I've been tired and not slept a few of these days. People need sleep... this isn't normal... can I make this stop? Even if I sedate myself for the night will I come out of this? So I google some stuff, remind myself what mania, hypomania is. I start reading the list of key symptoms and as I get to the bottom realizing every single one completely checks out I get annoyed. It feels like a slap in the face, a confirmation I am fucked in the head. It's not really news, but it reminds me I'm stuck with this label. I prefer to think of it as personality traits so it hurts to know it's a medical condition, that there's something wrong with me. As I read the symptom list I recount my actions to figure out what adds up. I remember being a little concerned mid way through the week, figuring out what was going on but laughing it off like it wasn't. I wasn't doing anything too crazy at first, but I certainly was having a lot of fun. I talked to my brother on the phone for two hours Wednesday night, not normal. He called me out saying he thought I had a touch of mania, I don't deny it I realize I was motor mouth on the phone but that's just a mood I have sometimes... I even admitted to my cousin that night that if I was too hyper, pacing back and forth while on the phone, talking nonstop, and if I didn't get good sleep by tomorrow night we needed to start being a little concerned and to keep me in check. The next day I justified everything though, I'm just happy, I'm not used to being happy it's fine. My meds are working and I'm just not used to it so it's messing with my sleep a little bit and I just slept for a week when I had COVID so I'm just not tired.... I remember being angry at my brother annoyed that he thinks I'm crazy. Thinking that everyone just thinks I'm crazy because I go to therapy and take medicine and they're all fucked. Let me be happy. I continue recounting my week and become more annoyed that my actions line up with the symptoms. I'm only annoyed because I feel called out, insisting there's something wrong with me. Because that's the thing this is ME. It's not a surprise its just an annoyance, but I made my decision awhile ago to live like this it just catches up sometimes gets me off guard. I didn't do a single thing I didn't want to do all week. I was and still am extremely happy. I remind myself how I've gone over this already, my mood my many many moods and how I love it about myself. That's the truth I love it almost all of the time, enough that I wouldn't change it. I remind myself of my decisions, that nothing is easy and I chose the possibility of being a little wild and the trade off of sometimes sad. When my doctor told me I could go back on prozac and this might happen, I needed to decided if dealing with some "side effects" (extra mood swings) was worth it. I need to give this more time and chance. I can't get scared and give up on the meds that make me happy make me able to be me... It is scary though, the inevitable the crash. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction... every high has an equal and opposite low.. and then I really realize why I've been in denial I don't want to think about the low coming. I mean I know it's coming, but I keep it out of my head. Ride the wave while I can enjoy it. It's not an absolute

guarantee the crash is that bad... I know how to swim. I have been through this before, and I get freaked out when the ride comes to an end unsure if we'll land it or come crashing down. I'm better at riding the wave and not letting myself be scared of what's to come. I don't want to waste the fun time in worry I want to enjoy it. So maybe I'll crash, maybe I check all the fucking boxes for some stupid mental illness, maybe I like it. Everything comes with a trade off, I chose this and I'm not going back on it. So I'll try to calm myself down a little, prepare for the landing, hope I can nail it this time level out. Help myself out with some sleeping pills soften the blow. There are a few things I don't love and that's one. A human body needs sleep and that's just not fucking normal... but I'm not normal... and who knows what the fuck that is anyways. This is me, completely totally crazy, mood swings, a little messy. I'll just keep riding knowing the waves go up and down and the crashes come but I've always made my way back up. I've always been a good swimmer, even if I'm stuck treading water for awhile.

[xmistyriversx]

When I was younger I tried to act older. This isn't uncommon I know, teenagers wanting to do adult things, adults telling them enjoy their youth while they can, kids assuming their parents are full of shit because there's no way these are the best years of our lives. The adult behavior I sought wasn't good, don't get me wrong but it wasn't the parts I regret about growing up too fast. The things I wanted to do versus the things I had to do... I wanted to stay out late, go to parties, drink, smoke, have fun. Sure I know those are behaviors I certainly could have waited to participate in, probably would have done me a lot of good to not but a little fun never hurt anyone... honestly I wish I could go back and enjoy those times a little longer. I wish I could go back and enjoy all of it a little longer. Instead, I started working at sixteen. Now I'm a burnt out thirty something, having worked forty plus hours a week half my life. I don't disagree that work ethic is good for people, but damn if I could have stayed a kid a little longer... We all get exposed to things at different rates, and who knows what's actually right. No one had bad intentions to let me learn my lessons young, but the days of ignorance passed far too quickly. The world is an ugly place, being exposed to the evil in things and people is a certainty. I do wish someone had fought harder to preserve my innocence. I'm still a kid at heart, finding joy in getting messy, feeling the grass on my toes, anything that makes me feel innocent, care-free. I didn't have enough time to enjoy it when I should have been. I think we're all a lot younger than we admit, we're all just kids in adult bodies wanting to enjoy the simple things in life. We're all just faking it to get by.

[xmistyriversx]

Fairy Tales

I've always spent an inordinate amount of time in my own head, making up stories to escape reality. It's been a combination of an escape from reality and the hopes and dreams of a life that's better, one that I actually want. For a long time I lived a fantasy life with another man. Escaping the harsh reality of the abusive relationship I was in, I would spend hours dreaming of elaborate scenarios in which the man of my dreams would treat me like the princess I deserved to be. I think I always mixed a little reality into most of my stories, in this particular one he rescued me from my abuser. Always with a flare for the more dramatic he saved me from being beaten to death. It was a like a beacon of hope, that someday someone would come save me because clearly I could no longer save myself. I felt trapped, the only way out would have been something as dramatic as the scenarios I dreamed in my head. This started years before I finally got out, I would imagine a better life and escape into it, black out the real world and live in my head. I would spend hours planning out every little detail of this dream life I wanted, down to the house, the car, everything. So when I tell you I don't necessarily believe in coincidence I'm convinced everything happens for a reason. I believe in the power of the universe, and the power of manifestation. This man that rescued me, he drove a particular car, not something that was very common at all. It had been some years since I had really been totally lost in this fantasy, life had gotten harder and instead I spent hours, days, all of my time in a depressive state. So when I actually met someone who drove this vehicle, it didn't initially strike me as anything other than a little odd. Fast forward to this person becoming one of my closest friends, someone who helped me and made me feel like a person again. He was a big reason that I left, I can't exactly explain it because it's not like he did anything crazy, maybe it was all in my head, the signs from the universe making me think he was there to save me. Regardless, he helped me immensely. I never told him about the car, that's crazy. I think it ended up messing with my head the more time went on, thinking that this was my new life, the signs were there, this was what I had been manifesting to save me. It's easy to get caught up in our dreams, what could be... but it's not what actually is. I spent far too long living in my head and not enough time living in the world. Coincidences aren't real, I did some magic, had some people looking out for me to make my dreams come true... well the important part of my dreams come true. I escaped the most toxic situation in my life, with some help. And although the story in my head went different, and there was a happy ending, I realize that's not how life works. I still have a happy ending, it's just not what I had hoped for, but life goes on. I'm finally living and loving and creating and being myself. And maybe, it's because of the man in the orange jeep that I dreamed of years ago... and he came and went and helped me when I needed him the most.

[xmistyriversx]

Silence is Deafening

It's been awhile since I've been overwhelmed with this particular silence. Flashbacks never fully grasp the feeling of the moment luckily. Dissociation was a skill I learned to keep myself safe. Minutes felt like hours, or maybe hours felt like minutes, time wasn't real I was stuck in whatever this was regardless of the how fast or slow the hand on the clock spun around. Everything around me seemed numb. There was lots of yelling, but I couldn't make out a single word. I knew with the longer pauses something was expected of me, some type of acknowledgment or worse yet, an actual answer to a question that I had never heard. In the silent pauses I could hear the lights buzzing louder than anything I've heard in my life. The yelling and screaming, none of that even entered my body, but as soon as it stopped the silence in which I was supposed to respond was debilitating. The room would spin around me, I wasn't sure if I was even breathing anymore, and all I could hear was the loud buzzing in my ears. The type of ringing you get in your ears when you have slight hearing damage from being front row at a concert, that's really what this was. How the cops were never called on us, or you really, I'll never understand. Yelling for hours at a time, quite literally about nothing. Enduring that was never the hard part though. Trying to answer questions, or quell your anger that part was impossible. How do you calm down an irrational person? I still don't know the answer, but there are some tricks. Lies mostly. This always left me feeling like the villain. The only "question" I really remember is "Well?!" I sometimes wonder how many times you stood mouth spewing spit yelling that one word at me before I popped out of my trance. It was an entire feeling to be pulled from numbness by the same word spewing from your mouth over and over being met intermittently enough with the buzzing to pull me out. Well, bzzzz, well?! bzzzzzzzz well?! bzzzzz, spinning, confusion, rocking back and forth in my own arms. It would take even a few more minutes of well, bzzz for me to formulate any thought, let alone a response to the "question". I don't remember any of the bullshit I said, I don't remember much of the bullshit you said either, because I was completely and totally removed from the situation for my own protection. Trauma responses that still stick with me today. When I don't want to do something or be somewhere *bam* I'm in lala land.

[xmistyriversx]

Soul Mates

A coworker recently asked me if I actually believe in soul mates. They think I'm crazy at work for sure with all my odd beliefs I have no issue sharing. I informed her that I did believe in soul mates, and my beliefs on the matter are my own. I told her to do her own research on others accounts of soulmates, twin flames, and karmics if she wanted to know more because my beliefs aren't the same as others and you need to read and understand some other beliefs to form your own opinion. I would encourage everyone to do the same, but my thoughts are that we all have multiple soul mates. Our soul mates vary, what kind of relationship we share with these people is generally based on past experiences, or possibly even future ones. Time is an illusion, it isn't linear and there are different timelines that can exist in parallel with what is happening now. I believe our soul is pieces of other souls in different times. It is difficult to explain but your current soul is yours, but parts of it are present in other bodies in other times. Soul mates are either people that had parts of your soul in the past/future or people you had past life connections with. Some people you have apparent connections to, someone may have been a soul mate in terms of being a family member from a past life. Other people share so many of your thoughts and ideas, seeming to be on the same page with you that it feels like they share pieces of your soul. Like parts of you lived in the same body at a point in time. The moral of the story is yes, I believe in soul mates. What that actually means in the grand scheme of things... nothing. Just some connections are stronger than others. When you come across someone that changes your life, points you in the rights direction, don't ignore it. It may be fleeting but it all happened for a reason. They are looking out for you.

[xmistyriversx]

Don't regret your current moment

Some days I regret nothing, other days I wish I could time travel and go back and change everything about my life. I know it's pointless to spend time stuck in the past, or even thinking about how things could be different in the future. It's important to live in the now. But sometimes that seems impossible sometimes. Reminiscing about the past isn't always a bad thing, but wishing you could go back and change it is just ridiculous. I want to live life with no regret, make decisions I'm proud of. Everyone makes mistakes so there's no point in getting caught up wishing we could do things over. What's done is done. Every choice you've made in your life has brought you to exactly where you are today. Sure sometimes I'm not entirely happy with where I am and what I'm doing, but it's not all that bad. I don't regret having a good career, loving friends, a house, a car, my dogs, etc. Maybe sometimes I get caught up in the mundane activities of the day, bored by where I am. But that's the thing of it, you can make changes in your current situation to change where you'll be in the future. If you keep on doing the same stuff and remain unhappy you're the only one to blame, not your past self but your current self in this moment. You can't go back and undo the 12 year abusive relationship you stayed in. You can't change that thing you said once that you regret and think about over and over again. You can change your current/future interactions with people. You can change what is happening right now to get yourself out of whatever rut you're in. I can't go back and undo all the hurt that's been cause to me, or the hurt that I may have caused others. My focus needs to be on my current actions and choices, not even worrying too much about the future, we all need to take time to be more present in the now.