xo-fever

[xo-fever]

it’s kind of funny (it’s kind of not)

(tw- mention of vomit)

there’s something funny in this

i’m just not sure what

if you don’t laugh, you’ll cry

but have you ever noticed that in both

the stomach spasms and aches

air is forced in from the mouth in repeated heaves like vomit

the lungs beg for more to breathe but not too insistently

there’s something funny in the thought that all emotions

all expressions

all reactions

are the exact same

but we’d choose some over others

anyway

spit spit spit spit spit

and ask if it’s disgusting

-x.o. fever

[xo-fever]

like a

(tw- ed mention)

walk like a model

left, right, one, two

eat like an actress

throw up all your food

dance like a stripper

only for your dollars

work like a prostitute

hundred for a holler

take it like a man

whine but never cry

talk like a bitch

hope that skank ho dies

party like a band

lose count of all your drinks

dress like a hilton

only black instead of pink

get high like an addict

blackout or nothing

take like a child

someone’s gotta have something

fuck like a porn star

show them you know how

sing like a drunk

shittily and loud

kiss like an animal

scratch and thrash and bite

sleep like a vampire

only up at night

fight like a masochist

jack off with the blood

live like a dumpster fire

extinguish with the mud.

-x.o. fever

[xo-fever]

ouroboros

(tw- implied sh)

when my dad read to me as i tried to fall asleep after too much marijuana

which is to when

you were drunk in my bed just as i was sobering up

which is to when

my dad read to me as i tried to fall asleep after too much marijuana.

when she asked me if i’d take that little girl away from that place and i said she wouldn’t go with me

which is to when

you were drunk in my bed just as i was sobering up

which is to when

she asked me if i’d take that little girl away from that place and i said she wouldn’t go with me.

when you asked if we would’ve been friends as little kids

which is to when

she asked me if i’d take that little girl away from that place and i said she wouldn’t go with me

which is to when

you asked me if we would’ve been friends as little kids.

when i ate paper as a toddler and my best friend told me eating paper can kill you

which is to when

you asked me if we would’ve been friends as little kids

which is to when

i ate paper as a toddler and my best friend told me eating paper can kill you.

when i bought barber shop razor blades at the convenience store five minutes away

which is to when

i ate paper as a toddler and my best friend told me eating paper can kill you

which is to when

i bought barber shop razor blades at the convenience store five minutes away.

when you mumbled please ignore my thighs and unclasped my bra

which is to when

i bought barber shop razor blades at the convenience store five minutes away

which is to when

you mumbled please ignore my thighs and unclasped my bra.

when i cried reading my diary from the first grade

which is to when

you mumbled please ignore my thighs and unclasped my bra

which is to when

i cried reading my diary from the first grade

which is to when

my dad read to me as i tried to fall asleep after too much marijuana.

[xo-fever]

fridge poem proposal (i dropped all the magnets on the ground)

on me

rotting

silently

worms go

writhing

brains on

siding

men stay

fighting

i feast

biting

fucking, crying

be my

bridegroom

stay you

beguiling

fridge poem

proposal

we’ll be

frying

hell for

lying

tongue on

fire

you sweet

liar

pimp or

buyer

say vows

eat me

make more

be me

i say

carry

you say

bury

on you

on me

rotting

silently

worms go

writhing

brains on

my ring

-x.o. fever

[xo-fever]

signature piece

i am at best a necklace

but most likely just a bracelet

bangles that make noise sometimes

but only when the wrist hints to

and the arm makes an undeniable stride

or maybe a pair of earrings

always ghosting at your sides

whispering to you,

“did i do it? or should i stay quiet

next time?”

and no matter how many times you say “yes, no” all i hear is the reverse

i guess that makes me shoes put on the wrong feet

then again, i’m more akin to a belt

attached to your hip at all times

my first purpose is to serve a purpose

all others are strictly fashion

though a necklace would be nice—

more notable

a signature piece—

i’ve settled on being your bracelet

but please don’t blame yourself

it’s not your fault that i’m useless when not holding your hand.

-x.o. fever

[xo-fever]

nobody cares

nobody cares unless you’re rich and famous

they’d interview you about the shit you practiced in the shower when you were dreaming, counting on, a better life

about your childhood

about your struggle with drugs and alcohol (pick your poison but they’ve all already been claimed)

and how you lived in a shitty neighborhood

about that crazy thing you did at that one bar in that one town on that one tour

about that one story that you’ve always wanted to tell but never gotten the chance to

about your writing process

about your own idols growing up

that’s when they’ll care

if you’re rich and famous

nobody cares unless you’re hot and talented

if you’re attractive enough to be on that poster in a fifteen year old boy’s room

of the movie he likes just because you’re in it

when you’re the name that falls from smirked lips when someone asks a young man who his first celebrity crush was

the product of wet dreams

an america’s sweetheart

the media will treat you like shit and accuse you of getting botox and a boob job

but for better or worse, that’s when they’ll care

if you’re hot and talented

nobody cares unless you’re sick or dead

but you better hope it’s something awful

but not too awful (it’ll take your life too fast)

makes you look different

but not too different (cross your fingers they comment on your lost weight and not your lost hair)

sympathy-inducing,

but doesn’t insist upon itself

unless you’re under eighteen (then anything goes)

it’s “gone too soon” if you’re still pretty while pretty still in your casket

but “end your suffering” if you’re unlucky enough to need a plastic surgeon as your mortician

when we die i doubt we see white

i think we see red

because that’s when they’ll care

if you’re sick or dead

-x.o. fever

[xo-fever]

about a [boy]

you robbed a bank just to buy me a ring

i killed that lady who gave you her cough

you shot god for giving me broken wings

i bombed your work so you got the day off

you tie off my arm so i can get high

i cut off my flesh when you want to eat

you took my tear ducts cause they made me cry

i burn down our house when we can’t pay heat

you ask me if we’re irredeemable

i tell you i could not care any less

you concede that love is more feasible

when morals and laws aren’t put to the test

how could i regret the sins that we do

how could i regret if it’s all for you?

-x.o. fever

[xo-fever]

how hard is it to get a decent cup of coffee?

just how hard is it to get a decent cup of coffee around here?

because believe me,

i’ve tried.

everywhere.

the locals say

try here.

my friends say

try there.

strangers say (yes i’ve gotten that desperate)

try that place around the corner.

well, in case you find yourself asking the same question that i ask myself every morning

(oh my god how fucking hard is it to get a decent cup of coffee around here)

i’ll let you in on a little secret:

the coffee at

all

of

those

places

tastes like shit.

i’ll have you know that i am no

coffee connoisseur, if that’s what you’re thinking.

i’ve drank coffee with a whole layer of grounds at the bottom

i’ve drank coffee the same color as the water in flint michigan

i’ve drank coffee at every american motel chain’s continental breakfast

i’ve drank coffee from gas stations that’s burnt to a crisp

i’ve drank coffee so full of sugar that it gave me heart palpitations

i’ve drank coffee made with red bull instead of water

so don’t think that i’m too stuck up for bad coffee.

but god.

whose dick do i have to suck to get a decent fucking cup of coffee around here?

i’ve traveled far

i’ve traveled wide

i’ve traveled forward, backward, and side to side

but this place we’re in now

with you and with me

has the worst fucking coffee i ever did

drink.

how goddamn difficult is it to find a halfway decent cup of fucking coffee here?

i feel like i’ve asked everyone

and now i’ve asked you

and you’re probably going to tell me the same thing someone else has said or the name of a specific type of coffee maker or a certain brand of keurig pods or your go-to starbucks order or the address of an avant-garde eco-friendly vegan gluten-free keto coffee shop with lightbulbs and exposed brick where all the baristas have multicolored hair or maybe you’ll even invite me over and make me some yourself which would be very kind of you but i already know it’ll all be the same old same old even though i don’t even need good coffee i just want an okay cup of coffee because it’s really not that much to ask

and jesus fucking christ how fucking hard is it to get a decent fucking cup of coffee around here?

-x.o. fever

[xo-fever]

whorebag

am i hopeless enough to be a whore

attractive enough to be a prostitute

professional enough to be an escort

what is a person

with a hole to fuck to do

when they realize too late

that they’re too stupid to stay

simply a studious slut

my eyes are too blurry with tears to read

but my hips are too narrow to successfully breed

is this the only thing i have going for me

have i been doomed to do from the start of my life

a one man tango while staring at a motel’s popcorn ceiling

each shake of the bed raining asbestos

onto my glazed over eyes

my mother wanted me to be a lawyer

my father wanted me to be a shrink

my teachers wanted me to be a writer

but i have lost all ability to think

being fucked takes no thought

being fucked takes no talent

being fucked takes nothing but resignation

if that’s what it takes

to get my brain dead ass out of this place

i hope if you can’t forgive me

you can at least still love me

believe this:

my hand was forced

-x.o. fever

[xo-fever]

dear cat,

(tw- sh)

i apologize,

sweet kitty, for blaming you

for my ribboned wrists

-x.o. fever

[xo-fever]

a guest at the party where kafka didn’t wear his mask

(poem and photo by me. artist unknown.)

sometimes i wonder

how i haven’t

completely broken down

until the shitty rubber

of my cheap, ill-fitting halloween mask

cuts across my vision

and i remember

that i am to the world just a $14.99 plastic zombie

or maybe a skeleton

or werewolf perhaps

i don’t remember which

it’s not like it matters

hell,

i forget i’m wearing it half the time

until i get a headache from the elastic cutting into my head

or it falls over my eyes for a split second

rendering me blind but still completely not-me

in a state of costumed ecstasy

this vampire

this ghoul

this scarecrow

what have you

is glued to my face with sweat

and will no longer come off

but that’s just fine

i take it in stride

if the monster doesn’t care

then neither do i

i think i’m allergic

to this too-tight rubber casket

but i’d much rather my face burn

than to have to unmask it.

-x.o. fever

[xo-fever]

i know it’s strange to feel such grief (aka ripping off emily dickinson)

i know it’s strange to feel such grief

when you are still alive

but when i try to fall asleep

i see naught but untimely demise

i put my head upon your chest

but promptly move it away

i’m scared i’ll hear your heartbeat stop

it plagues me every day

what if our time is cut too short

and we are never wed

this isn’t a film, my mortal love

the living can’t marry the dead

you ask me, “what is wrong, sweet boy?”

while i weep into your breast

i’m unable to answer your whispered words

while death looms as an unwelcome guest

amy drank herself to the grave

and kurt, he lost his mind

great artists like you who all died young

so comfort is hard to find

i can’t see us as elderly

no matter how hard i try

as afraid as i am of growing old

i’m petrified to die

i could not live without your love

but life is often brief

this madness is the curse, i fear

of anticipatory grief.

-x.o. fever

[xo-fever]

another american sentence

i’m sorry god for only praying when there is a man with a gun.

-x.o. fever

[xo-fever]

autopilot

(tw- mention of suicide and eating disorders)

the guy ringing me up at gabe’s looks at the shirt i’m buying and asks “hey have you ever tried killing yourself?” and i say “no, i’ve been meaning to listen to them forever but they’re not on spotify” so like i might look them up but not for another three years and they’re completely irrelevant. the kid who sits next to me in econ 101 sees the stickers on my laptop and says “let’s do coke in the single stall bathroom on the second floor i got an eight ball right here.” and i say “yeah i’ve heard it’s really good, i need to put it on my watchlist” but i never put it on my watchlist because there is no watchlist and i don’t even have paramount plus. the barista taking my order at the little coffee shop on the corner tells me “don’t say anything to my boss but i pegged a gigolo over this counter and he called me mommy like fifty times.” and i say “skim milk and no whipped cream” since i never quite got over my little anorexia phase but who ever does to be honest. the middle-aged lady passing me on the other side of the sidewalk smiles at my outfit and comments “the rapture is going to come in nine days are you going to HEAVEN or HELL?” and i say “thanks it even has pockets” while doing a little half-twirl trying to keep my eyes off her impressively saggy tits. my boyfriend calls me and states “i killed your parents and ate them but i feel nothing they tasted like chicken we should get hitched right the fuck now” and i say “awww, i love you too” because i do.

-x.o. fever

[xo-fever]

i dare you

hop on a train

and see where it takes you

without telling a soul

or leaving a note for your mother

i’ll say your name just the same

(i dare you.)

juggle on the streets

for coffee and spare change

watch me kiss you

anyway

(i dare you.)

strip your clothes

for cougars on tuesday afternoons

take their cash where the sun don’t shine

i won’t ask where those hands have been

as long as at the end of the day they’re on me

(i dare you.)

scam and cheat

lie and steal

all to the innocent

take what’s not yours

and i’ll still give you what’s mine

(i dare you.)

honey, do your worst

then watch me love you more

(i double dog dare you.)

-x.o. fever

[xo-fever]

a house with no windows

honey, would you live with me in a house with no windows?

where we don’t go outside and only turn the lights out based on the clock

getting our groceries delivered

and placed through the door slot

not letting the light or lack thereof in

going to bed when tired, not when it’s dark

not needing to save certain records for overcast days

eating when hungry

fucking when bored

drinking when thirsty

turning on the air conditioning when hot

and the furnace when cold

laughing at the thought of leaving

honey, let’s live in a house with no windows

where we never know the weather

-x.o. fever

[xo-fever]

puppy

your fuck me eyes

burn holes in my thighs

like you’re putting out a cigarette with my sandpaper skin to your formaldehyde sin

your fuck me eyes

all mine for tonight

i’m your girl i’m your boy while we breathe the same summer air i’m your only heart to destroy

your mouth says “blow me”

but those fuck me eyes say “shoot me dead”

your hips say “hold on tight cause either way it ends with a finished head”

my dear pet

please don’t leave me hanging while hung for another

and please don’t leave me high and dry

because as little as i deserve them

i never want to lose those pretty fuck me eyes

-x.o. fever