xsleepytimemusicx - Tumblr blog

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This turns Christmas into that cold, dark, depressing time of the year it truly is. Imagine a funeral Christmas Eve. 

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   Well, about a year ago I wasn't posting here for whatever lame reason. Lou Reeds death just made me think about my dead ex room mate and amazing DC punk. His name was Vance Bockis. He probably shot more heroin than Lou Reed. Vance was way more into the New York Dolls kind of thing which DC was never very into. He played in The Factory, 9353 and The Obsessed. He is the reason I'm clean today. I loved this idiot. This is The Factory playing amazing grace at his memorial service at the funeral home I work at. He'd be into it.

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    I haven't posted in a while which is sad because if I do say so myself... this blog idea is pretty fucking cool. But as we all know this morning we suffered the death of Lou Reed. I wrote a big long comment on the NPR web site and then realized I have a place to write this sort of shit. Right now I have something specific I want to focus on. It involves sex, drugs, rock n roll and of course Lou Reed.

    When I was growing up I always had a weird vision of what I thought was cool. In elementary school I thought The Velvet Underground, The Ramones and Joan Jett were cool because my father and my sister loved the shit. In our suburban living room those were the posters on our wall. So when kids were raiding their siblings record collections of hip hop or 90's alternative this is what I thought was cool and normal. My first cassette tape for my first walkman was mix of Operation Ivy, Rancid and The Misfits. I guess you could say that I was fucked from the very start.

    Lets be real here though... I was not listening to 'heroin' when I was in 5th grade (although I had heard it). I couldn't grasp the affection of The Velvet Underground really until somewhere in my teenage years. It wasn't until pot and alcohol were introduced into my life that The Velvet Underground & Nico really started to sound good to me. But let me clarify that being intoxicated was not the only thing that made it sound good to me. The record had the feelings of discontent, loneliness, sadness and the biggest energy of cool possible. When you are 16 years old - heart broken and outcasted - not many records or people really can teach you anything about life. But Lou Reed was there to show me a way. Maybe it wasn't the right way. But it was a way. I learned how to look cool. I learned how to talk cool. I learned how to feel cool. I learned what cool was during a hazy mix of insecurity, loveless abandon and of course; boredom. 

    During those high school years I had discovered punk rock and indie rock of all sorts. I was figuring who I was and was failing completely. Because of issues I can't explain I was always pretty emotionally damaged. I got way into the Ramones and their twerky twist of things. I got into Minor Threat and Fugazi and the pride of being in the Washington DC area. I got into Sonic Youth and their absolute cool. I got into all sorts of shit. But at some point later in the mix the same song I had heard millions of times before finally struck that chord and just keeps on reverberating. 'Heroin' played on the stereo. I had started shooting dope in Washington DC and I hated everything bout myself and where I was. The lyrics of the song explained everything I knew and could possibly understand. The sound of the viola screeching over the tape it was recorded on and the distortion of the amp felt exactly... I mean exactly, how I felt. I found myself at 18 years old strung out and getting high to 'Heroin' and 'I'm waiting for the man'. I started to play in bands and made a point for my lyrics to reflect life... the way Lou did with his. I wanted the churning of my stomach of coping on New York Ave to come out in the lyrics. I want the rush of guilt and shame of hitting a vein to come through like that viola I loved so much. And I did it and I did it for awhile. 

    I played in bands. I played on my own. I shot tons of drugs. I smoked tons of cigarettes. I drank lots of liquor. I hurt lots of people. I committed lots of crimes. I got arrested. I went to jail. I went to treatment. I got clean. I relapsed. I made music. I played shows. Nobody liked me. Nobody liked my music. I didn't like myself.

     I've been clean for 3 years and after reading all these stories today about Lou... I never noticed that he actually had been clean for a long time. I knew he was clean recording 'Berlin'. But still it just never connected. But he lived through the damage and made the best of it. It's truly a miracle. Being clean I may not listen to 'Heroin' the same way but 'Candy Says' and 'Pale Blue Eyes' still strike a nerve that could cause a disease. Maybe that disease is called 'Rock and Roll' and it sounds like White Light / White Heat and I have it and I have it bad.

    It's a rare that a death of a man I've never met hits me like this. I remember my stomach dropping with the death of Joey Ramone. I remember actual sadness of Johnny Cash's death. I remember the legend of DC Vance Bockis passing. But today it's Lou Reed. Today a part of me has left. But it's okay. It's alright. We'll all be dead someday. 

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Fuck. When you feel like death you think about death.

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With the recent buzz bumping with Garbage doing their thing I've been getting back on a Curve kick. This version of the song is so dreamy and such fitting words for holding onto something... that maybe should be let go of....

                      The months go by                                                          I don't think of you                                                          The signal is frail                                                          An imprint of what you do                                                          So I turn up the sound                                                          And you are nowhere                                                          I have learnt this to my cost                                                          But I maintain                                                          In the slow lane                                                          I maintain                                                          In the slow lane                                                          The scent goes by                                                          Still I smell of you                                                          You say I cry                                                          At the merest thought of you                                                         So you let me down                                                          To laugh at nothing                                                          I have learnt this for myself                                                           But I maintain                                                           In the slow lane                                                           I maintain                                                           In the slow lane                                                          So I turn down the sound                                                          And you are nowhere                                                          I have learnt this to my cost

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I'm posting this song because I heard it last night and remembered how amazing it is. It sums of the beauty of being sad.

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Every now and again you can always expect to see a My Bloody Valentine song here. I love the guitars on this song... it's so simple, so disgusting but so pretty. Awesome.

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I'm glad I got to see Chuck before he left. I'm glad I'm from Washington DC.

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Xiu Xiu is the definition of fucked up and we're all fucked up.

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So I really have no choice but to post this and honestly I probably would have at some point anyway just not in memorial form. My dad owned this CD and when I was about 10-11 years old, maybe even younger, I started stealing it from him to listen too in my room. This was my favorite song on the album, maybe because I heard it on the radio the most, maybe because it had the punk rock sound that already knew and loved, maybe because the song represented angst I already felt before I really should have. Since then I've always thought the Beastie Boys were really cool. When people would say the sucked all I can do is shake my head... how could you not understand! They represent everything any drug addled youth who just wants to devote a life to music and partying could ever want! Not to say that was the only message they carried... they did as they got older get much more mature and even more awesome.The song Sabotage was even like a version of Fight For Your right but just a little more adult. I remember hearing that song on skate videos around 13-14 years old. It was perfect. It never bothered if they were cool to everyone else or not... cause I grew up on them and just by them being who they were taught me something about being individual and not giving a fuck.

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Today was hot and humid and I was alive.

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I can grieve my youth.

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MASH is suicide.

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It fit a good memorial mass scene in a 1990's movie. Mine.

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I don't know what to say...

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If I'm on a deathbed this will be more anthem.

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I don't care what anybody says, this song and this band were actually kind of cool. And rainy day funerals are oddly romantic.