yamaskeeper

[yamaskeeper]

4/14/2024

My therapist doesn't like "giving homework" but asked if I'd be obliged to try a specific type of journaling. I dislike self-help thinly veiled as therapy I've paid for, but I agreed to try regardless. I have found that emptying my head helps. Her non-homework is to journal about the following:

5 gratitudes Plan for the day Any fears or resentments Things to watch out for Things to strive for

There was no set amount of times to do this, so I have made minimal effort until now. Here goes.

Gratitudes:

Alone time. I run on alone time almost as much as caffeine. It is a type of oxygen that keeps my blood pumping and I would be so lost without it.

My bed. While it often keeps me there longer than society tells me it should, I so enjoy the feeling of simply laying down and existing. Rest at its finest.

Clouds. Silly? Maybe. I find them incredibly inspirational. They make me yearn to be a sufficient painter. I settle for smartphone photos in a folder.

Color. A part of why I am grateful for clouds, but a strong enough gratitude to be its own. Colors are a meaningful part of my life, and I am so grateful that I can see so many in such depth. There is beauty all around us in the colors we live with, choose to keep around us, and come across by accident.

My mother. Despite our past, and despite my best efforts, I am coming to understand her. She is finally opening up and the timing has been nothing short of miraculous. It coincides with me searching for peace; I just had to be open to this route of acquisition.

Plan for the day: Write. I missed my inspiration, unfortunately. Yesterday was full of it and I pushed writing off until today for the sake of responsibility and chores. But I will persist nonetheless.

Any fears or resentments: Lately I fear growing old. I have feared it for a while, but it feels present more often than before. I would like to die before I am so old that my days are consumed by regret and pain. I don't want to reach an age where I beg for death. I resent... my father, I guess. He had conditional love, and I never met the terms and conditions. How boring, right? I have told myself in the past that I didn't care, but my heart is slowly warming to the painful pit within it and I know the seed is sown with layers of resentment. The most I can hope for someday is to grow a plant full of pity in its place.

Things to watch out for: I can't tell if this is supposed to be a warning to myself or opportunities, but I would like to choose opportunities. I want to live an intentionally happy life if possible. I will watch out for small joys today.

Things to strive for: Today I will strive for hydration. I have slipped in that department, and I know it contributes to my mental state.

[yamaskeeper]

“Do you believe in redemption?”

The question haunts me; the very notion of a person being able to have an opinion on the matter sounds so preposterous. Yet we pass this judgement without thought all the time. We are so quick to write someone off for the smallest slight against us or someone we love; even against an entity or a nation. Redemption and things deserved should not be up to us to determine, as we are all equally deserving and not deserving of things simultaneously.

I grapple with my own judgement. For a time, I hid behind my pride, my hurt, thinking I was taking my own side in the fight against those who wronged me. I feel blessed to have organically found an unbeaten path towards the peace I have been so desperate for. The difficulty of this path is forging it myself and the price is releasing the burdens of my pride and my hurt. The price is putting down all my pain. Only a few months ago, I was begging to be given a way to do just that, to stop carrying my pain around. But it's an intentional choice I have to make. It's a mindful and vulnerable release I have to choose.

The answer is that we all deserve redemption. I do believe each person can reach it themselves, but sometimes it's easier and faster with help. Wanting it is essential. You cannot achieve redemption unless you yearn for it, because wanting a positive change in your life will open up the right path towards it.

And what is my role in this redemption? I want to help, and I want to be at peace by the end, but it's not up to me if she finds it. I can only do what I can, be who I am, and remain mindfully vulnerable.