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i mean…

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help lah i laughed too hard and now i have stitches

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i have fully come to terms with the fact that i will never stop missing him but. it’s tolerable now. i can live with it! i can go full days and even weeks without thinking of him. i only had a thought today because a student has the same name and i am grading essays over telegram, meaning i mark on goodreads and export as pdf into files then i go to telegram and manually search them up one by one to send them their file (more of schedule it for 7am tomorrow). i inadvertently saw his contact and remembered he existed. i mean, it’s the same name. every class has that name. i’ve grown inured to it. in a way, my posting was a blessing in disguise. seeing boys day in day out behaving badly and making all sorts of bad decisions makes me frustrated enough to chip away at the romanticised.... thing i still harbour inside me. it feels like a crystal ball. it’s a blob of feelings i cannot put down or throw away and it’s kind of heavy and it sits in a pit and i just carry it around. most days i still wish and wish things had turned out differently, but the other half of me is fully aware of how good i have it now and how unlikely he would have made me happy. i guess even if i could only have friendship, i’d take it. i always loved his person before i loved anything else. i loved his weakness, his whininess, his pickiness, and how he took a long time to cobble together an outfit. everything else - his form, his frame, his face - came from my love of the person, flaws and all. i am also realising these days how beauty rly is in the eye of the beholder. when i love someone’s heart they just look good to me no matter what. objectively i can know they are not good looking but. it’s what makes them them. it’s their face. and i love it all. i can’t help it. 

i still wonder if he will ever speak to me again but very unlikely. he forgot my birthday too. so i guess it’s over for real fOR REAL.

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had a dream not last night but after i pressed the snooze button and fell back asleep and my dream continued but veered off. it was strange bc i knew it was a dream but i couldnt control what was happening or what i did and the outcome still surprised me.

so in this dream, area where scape is changed. not a lot, but it started to resemble like, the small streets of hongdae or even hongkong. it’s like someone wiped out the big buildings and put in small short shophouses. and i stood at the inter-junction wondering why the youth centre was so squat now, only 1-storey. i turned right and walked down, trying to remember where oschool is. but in that area, the buildings were gone and only container boxes on stilts were there. like temporary studios. outside one, all the osch instructors were just standing around and chatting. i was abt 45min early for class so i asked one of them what was going on, but no one seemed bewildered they just guided me to my intended container box studio. and when i got there, i saw my friend fiona inside having a lesson but she was one of the oldest ones there bc the rest were like pri sch age. however, JN was also there and she wasnt talking to fiona, focusing on herself, and honestly dancing badly. and i was like Huh what is she doing here?? and then i realised the instructor was my ex. he was teaching a kids class (it rly sounded like a primary sch lesson or something) and OFC she was there to see him. fiona was there bc she likes to go for different classes. and at one end of the container was the waiting area with a staff member just waiting there to take attendance. she sat facing the class so i decided i’ll sit opp her with my back to the class so i dont have to see him. but to get to that area i had to walk through the room while lesson was ongoing. i went in, greeting fiona who held my hand and squeezed it, then sat in the chair and made small talk w the staff member over the cacophony of this kids’ class. i remember thinking that it’s nice he decided to follow in his mother’s footsteps, and that it makes sense small children would like him. i always thought he’d be a reasonably good father, if not slightly distant. and then when class was almost ended, he came over and stood at the end of the table to speak to the staff member, so we were adjacent. after he said wtv admin-related thing to her, he looked at me. and our eyes locked and i got a good look at his face (i mean, what i remember of it. i havent seen anything of him since october 2019, not even online. i just avoid because it will me cry for days and i need to work). and i refused to break off and to him it might have been like i was owlishly staring so his face cringed a little. then he did the unexpected. he reached over, while my spine froze, and touched my cheek. like a little friendly pinch. it was 1 second but i felt my heart leap at the contact and the sudden heat of his fingers and his eyes were warm and brown and most importantly, kind.

when i woke up a few minutes later, i wanted to die. the pain is keen. on some level it’s like i can be instantly transported back to 3 years ago. i’d die for him. i’d do literally anything for him if he’d stay. i just want one more hug, one more kiss. one more kind word, or gesture. or some indication that i’ve scored his heart in the same way he’s scored mine. why is it so hard to fully move on, even when everything i want is finally here with me? do i NEED him to be part of that equation or is it just The One That Got Away syndrome?

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a weird week!!!!

i know it’s too early to feel the effects of having the implant out but is2g i feel different. at first i just felt exhausted from bleeding so much (it is never not unnerving to see fresh blood it’s just so bright red) from the wound but now that it has somewhat scabbed over i just feel. weirdly light. and cheerful. was that what was making me hella depressed??? idek but possibly now that it will slowly wear off, so will the constant heaviness.

it feels good to do house-planning. it just feels like all the pieces are ready to fall in place. even if they are not yet in place, i am good with that. i am at peace bc i know they will fall in when the time is right. and i once again cannot help but see this as yet another example of how every time i did not get something i wanted (like a school or a cca or a posting), it’s because divinity above had a different plan. i was meant to be sad and in need of a friend who would send memes every single day without fail. i was meant to be driven into a situation where i worked so hard i just went home and slept because i was exhausted from rolling on the floor but at the very least it kept my mind off the person who did not want me. i was meant to hear everything i heard from different people so that my disdain could grow and the scales could fall from my eyes and i can tell everyone that they were right about everything. and i was meant to get a fever and fall sick and lose my voice so i could see who truly had a heart of gold when i had nothing to give back. our differing situations are also meant to be because it just made seeking completion in each other the most natural thing to do, and also there is quite a large benefit when it comes to future planning. 

every meal is a delight. and every conversation memorable. and every quiet evening spent reading just settles me in a way that nothing has before. i’m not quite sure how to put into words how i feel/ felt/ am feeling because it’s so unlike all my previous iterations of what i thought love was. there’s no whirlwind or heady infatuation. there wasn’t even a spark. just a gradual realisation. after which there was a small fire that just grows bigger the more i tend to it. 

ive never felt as supported as i do right now too. like, someone actually shares a dream. we have the same dream. someone makes room in their dreams for me. i’m priority. i can hardly believe that i am integral to someone’s dream. and that we are actually going to achieve it together. i don’t feel like a nuisance because someone is equally excited about it. i can talk and think about it all the time and it’s seen as a wonderful thing because we are all in. no guilt or shame or wondering if it’s one-sided or insecurity. idk what happened but it feels like it happened really slowly and all at once simultaneously. 

and now it’s time to return to grading papers.

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i know healing is not linear (when i see my friend K and how she is still hurting over that guy from Sydney i just know that we are in the same boat) but some days i am doing so well, planning things in the future like what colour walls and what kind of mattress and how we are going to allocate space, and i feel so incredibly lucky that someone loves me this much and wants to devote their time and energy into building a future where i will be happy and healthy. then i have one sleepless night, or i have cramps for 48hours straight, and it’s like i am physically incapable of feeling happy even though rationally i know i should be. this is a flesh prison. i want out!!! 

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it’s easier (not easy) to get over text messages and even photos but something about seeing old gifs buried in my library of very happy very blissful moments that still makes tears spring to my eyes. i can’t control this reaction. photos don’t move. you stare at them and there is a limit to what you can see. but a video or a gif it just feels too real and too present and i can see the light hitting different parts of him and all of a sudden i remember those parts of him like the proportions i liked so much and the hair that i could touch endlessly and the hands that made me feel held and the cheekbones. even at his worst he looked the best to me. and i know that i will never feel this way about someone, which i can live with. it’s something i HAVE to live with. i will never want someone so fully like this again, so much so that just looking at them delights me. i won’t say it felt right. but i will say that it felt the best. i wasn’t neutral about anything i loved every single thing. the posture the neck curve the torso i delighted in. just everything.

i was tempted to delete all but one. just one for memory’s sake. but i know that i can’t because it’s dangerous like this. memory is safe because it can fade and be suppressed and eventually scratched away, but this moving image is a perfect preservation of, just, the whole person. him striving, him teasing, him smiling. it hits hard. i feel like my insides are twisting. i hate feeling like this!! i hate this sudden onset of misery!!!

agatha christie wrote that love is not supposed to hurt so much or feel this intense. the best kind of love is comfortable and sustainable. i know it. but i don’t see why i should have to choose. i guess the kind of person i could love to the ends of the earth is someone who would definitely not feel the same way about me. so i HAVE to choose.

can’t believe this is smth i will have to actively work on surviving everyday. i will never recover from it. if i see him in person in public with someone else i will probably have a meltdown. and not even because i still love him in the way i now understand love (as commitment and devotion and assurance in the future) but because i loved him in a way that fundamentally changed me. like he carved out a section of my side and even though i’ve stopped bleeding if i see him in a particular capacity the wound WILL act up and i WILL be transported back to the moment i got it. it is unlikely that i will migrate so i can hope that he does. it is also unlikely that i will change in looks (2 years of work hasn’t aged me) so maybe i can hope that he will look completely different and i won’t recognise him even if we were standing at the same traffic crossing.

i wish he didn’t take away my capacity to love wildly again. i really do consider myself damaged beyond repair. even when presented with objective perfection it cannot match up to something i lost, simply because it is lost. logically i know not to act on my feelings but i can’t seem to STOP feeling this way.

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a perfect fit lmao!!!!!

https://open.spotify.com/track/2CYVETnhM9aytqrazYYwrK?si=73d71ab042474bfc

大好き！！

Mr. "Perfect face" Mr. "Here to stay" Mr. "Looked me in the eye and told me you would never go away" Everything was right Mr. "I've been waiting for you all my life" Mr. "Every single day until the end, I will be by your side" But that was when I got to know Mr. "Change of heart" Mr. "Leaves me all alone," I fall apart It takes everything in me just to get up each day But it's wonderful to see that you're okay Hello Mr. "Perfectly fine" How's your heart after breaking mine? Mr. "Always at the right place at the right time," baby Hello Mr. "Casually cruel" Mr. "Everything revolves around you" I've been Miss "Misery" since your goodbye And you're Mr. "Perfectly fine" Mr. "Never told me why" Mr. "Never had to see me cry" Mr. "Insincere apology so he doesn't look like the bad guy" He goes about his day Forgets he ever even heard my name Well, I thought you might be different than the rest, I guess you're all the same 'Cause I hear he's got his arm 'round a brand-new girl I've been pickin' up my heart, he's been pickin' up her And I never got past what you put me through But it's wonderful to see that it never phased you Hello Mr. "Perfectly fine" How's your heart after breakin' mine? Mr. "Always at the right place at the right time," baby Hello Mr. "Casually cruel" Mr. "Everything revolves around you" I've been Miss "Misery" since your goodbye And you're Mr. "Perfectly fine" So dignified in your well-pressed suit So strategized, all the eyes on you Sashay away to your seat It's the best seat, in the best room Oh, he's so smug, Mr. "Always wins" So far above me in every sense So far above feeling anything And it's really such a shame It's such a shame 'Cause I was Miss "Here to stay" Now I'm Miss "Gonna be alright someday" And someday maybe you'll miss me But by then, you'll be Mr. "Too late" Goodbye Mr. "Perfectly fine" How's your heart after breakin' mine? Mr. "Always at the right place at the right time," baby Goodbye Mr. "Casually cruel" Mr. "Everything revolves around you" I've been Miss "Misery" for the last time And you're Mr. "Perfectly fine" You're perfectly fine Mr. "Look me in the eye and told me you would never go away" You said you'd never go away

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oh wow i didnt realise how much time had passed but it just flowed by like. dirty rain water? and i guess it’s over?? i think normally i’d be more upset at his shitty choices, but i think my friends’ messages are finally starting to sink in. if he chooses her instead of me when so many others (who have had a track record of making good sensible decisions) have chosen me then it is on him and not a reflection of my worth. everyone thinks she is damn sus and have banded together to shield me from the both of them so i should rly stop resisting help and let my circle protect me the way they want to. and re: him. i have done my fucking best and gave it my all so i have no regrets. 我已经尽力了。no one can say i wasn’t devoted or unattached. and looking at my track record with men i sometimes dont know what i was thinking i just go with my feelings which are always overwhelming and possibly unhealthy. so the fact that i felt love so intense it hurt was a clear sign that it wasn’t right for me. agatha christie wrote that too in Sad Cypress.

i am in a great place. work is challenging but i rise to the challenges. which come by everyday. i have a work-life balance, with friends inside and friends outside. people often look out for me and offer help. my superiors care about my health and seem to trust that i can do what they ask me to. i have been in the stablest and most fulfilling relationship in the past year and they are committed to building a future. not once have we fought, not once have i been made to feel inadequate or small or undesirable or burdensome. i am always a priority, and everything i do is met with delight. it feels safe. and im still unlearning my suspicion and paranoia but i am granted an extremely indulgent amount of patience. there is not a single thing out of place. i feel very rewarded by the universe??

i think i will always care for him. i will care if he gets sick or injured or dies. not sure if his other exes will but i know i will. and i think i need to stop berating myself for caring. if i care then i care, and someday i may magically not care. but im not acting on my feelings. and if he wants me gone i am respecting his wishes. feelings are just that. i can’t force him to care abt me the same way i cant force myself to stop caring abt him? the only thing i can do is to continue praying for his growth and wellbeing. and wait. and focus on myself and my little videogames and my lovable students.

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life is hard but surprisingly good?? am finding it hard to believe. it’s definitely thanks to pokemon red but also the fact that i am FINALLY on probation after 1.5 years of passing tests and observations and exams. i had my misgivings about my posting but i’m actually doing really well here. maybe it’s 旁观者清 but i guess my superiors saw something in me that i didnt even see in myself because i was just so anxious all the time about not missing a single step or making a single mistake. i didnt realise it but im so wound up all the time which helps with maintaining my high performance and work-related streaks but the cost on my body and health is way too high so i am going to learn at last to cut myself some slack. anw, it turns out i have the kind of balance my environment needs - young enough to play their video games and speak their language, old enough to have my life achievements make me a suitable role model, firm enough to command obedience, tech savvy enough to stay in the loop, skilled enough to create all of my own resources, feminine enough to appeal to their better natures, warm enough to build rapport from the very first meeting, etc etc. i am enough. it’s not a fluke, it’s not applicable only to one level or one class profile. i have enough to make it through all my classes, to tame the wild ones, to inspire the hardworking ones, to banter with the funny ones. and i don’t even have to be anything but myself. it’s so strange to be so comfortable. i just open my mouth and it’s like something takes over and all my plans fall in place and my predictions come true and i can perform unconsciously. it gets easier with each iteration too. i pick up names, faces, habits. i make a reference to something they dont think i noticed. i crack a joke and everyone laughs. i laugh and the room palpably softens around the edges like magic. sometimes i feel magical. and i’m so relieved that i dont have to continue on a job search bc i managed to find something i am both good at and also passionate about. my work friend says i will be successful in wtv i choose to do, but i rly want to enjoy it too u feel me.

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reminder from an old friend who probably knows better: it is ez to preserve the image of someone whose opinion mattered so much to u and who made you feel so small that u find it impossible to challenge his value judgment, but there is a whole world out there and if u make the effort to look at him through the eyes of the world then u will realise that he is a useless piece of shit who’s not fit to take care of anyone else and doesn’t do jackshit for society and is only good at artifice and posturing. his departure was a goddamn blessing in disguise because look at all the wonderful things that came into your life in exchange. anyone would be lucky to have you and if they were smart they’d act like it because they know that theyre set for life with someone like you. and if he were smart, he wouldnt push away the one person who brings so much warmth and colour into anyone’s life.

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it makes sense that close to 2 years later i am expected to fade away from even the background. too exhausted from work to really have many emotions about it. maybe im all feeled out? maybe i have other things to worry about like livelihood bc my greatest fear is being a Bum. and as people keep reminding me, i have a lot to love and energy to give and have been giving consistently over the years. if someone doesnt want me it’s not bc i didnt give enough. i give enough. i can give less and still be worshipped. i give hundreds of kids my time and attention and i still have lots leftover for friends. i give ENOUGH. it’s not a me problem anymore!!!

other day: someone asked me how i feel abt the possibility theyre fucking and i just laughed and went NO WAY! doesn’t he know how she gets like? he knows abt her ex and everything. and she should know better too after that one guy?? she deserves someone who will take her seriously and accept her fully, it’s not a great match. idt she would be okay with a bum either, even if she acts like she is?? her parents would want better for her. and also won’t his religion get in the way?? surely he regrets giving it up to begin with, why would he continue with the error??

then i had some time to wonder why i was confident other people didnt change/ had the same values. esp w covid year. i changed. my beliefs changed a little bit, maybe my values havent, but doesnt mean others won’t change too right? so maybe im wrong and should seriously consider how i’d feel.

which is not great but. it is out of my control. i am a duck and this is water off my oily feathery back.

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uhh

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I AM SURROUNDED BY PEOPLE WITH WISE COUNSEL AND GENUINE CONCERN FOR MY WELL-BEING!!!!!!! this is enough and i must remind myself!!!! i have khin who has a lot of sass behind closed doors and is always on my side, i have mijin who (despite being mostly a water baby) has a lot of fire and intuitively understands how i must be feeling, i have yuanshao who keeps me in his thoughts and cares about including me and cares about my opinions on how he should propose, i have sheena who sends me cute memes every other day, i have basil who always likes my posts and sometimes sends me a poem, i have shya who supports whatever i make and discusses future projects with me, i have colleagues who are always ready to help, and tian who hangs out w me to sing songs every single saturday, and xiang who doesn’t do social media but makes an effort to keep up with mine, and cee who tweets @ me often, and hj who sends me game stuff all the time, and jiahan who discusses recipes w me, and raph who gets worried and monitors the situation, and my studygram friends who send me food on my bday, and rozan who sends me care packages a few times a year, and just so many others who care about me i can’t possibly count them all!!!!!

strange to think that my friends are in their mid-to-late twenties. isn’t that old???? isn’t that way too old to play the ‘hmph i don’t friend u i friend her’ games? it is right? gosh i think sometimes one really needs at least 7 different people around you to give you some kind of a perspective. 2 ppl bouncing a ball between them IS a toxic echo chamber. and he may have decided to be the patron saint of lost causes but i don’t have to be! i don’t have to put scales before my eyes and buy into her whole ‘i am a victim here boohoo comfort me performatively’ act when it’s clear that there’s deception. 

another thing pointed out to me: “major bum energy”. i get that not everyone has to follow THE timeline but maybe they were right and everyone should at least follow A timeline. just a personal timeline. how long can one drift? what do we owe to each other, to our loved ones, to our future selves, our future loved ones? hardship is EVERYWHERE can’t avoid it. i too would love to be a bum, maybe extend my childhood and do masters, but i OWE it to my parents to let them semi-retire, and i OWE it to my brother to give him room to find his sea legs, and i also owe it to my future self who wants to have space for all the plants i am growing right now. and that’s me. my friends were right and that is a strength. i do what i need to do, i don’t waver, i don’t lose sight of my end goal, i bite down on the bullet. i have never bummed around a day in my life. which is why i will be fine. i AM fine, i WILL be fine, time to focus on passing my exams with flying colours.

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