yeah-i-exist

[yeah-i-exist]

I'll be entirely honest here I'm not sure my sister has even saved my number in her phone

having a younger sibling is so embarrassing iwouldnt stoop this low for anyone but her im like quadruple texting "JUST TELL ME IF YOU WANT TO GO TO THE AQUARIUM ON DECEMBER 29TH SO I CAN GET TICKETS" and she leaves me on read 10000 times.

[yeah-i-exist]

The true struggle of being a Tumblr user is that I don't have any friends who are even remotely as terminally online and congnisent of this webbed site as I am so I'll see insane shit that's internal to our collective brain rot and just not have anyone to talk to about it. Like, I can't tell my friends about how the Muppet Joker now uses he/she pronouns and became a feminist ever since he started kinning Vriska from Homestuck. I would lose them before I even got to him kinning Adam from the Bible. I'm not sure any of them even know what kinning is.

Nothing has ever made me aware of how much of a burden knowledge can be as this website has.

[yeah-i-exist]

You know the world of French politics is a shit show when a former State Secretary (whose political career isn't over btw) decides not to bother with her pen name for her next smut book which seems like it's going to be self-insert.

But yeah we just have a government official who gets appointed to high offices while publishing badly written smut with weird political overtones under a pen name that's an open secret and it's not even her biggest controversy.

[yeah-i-exist]

Things right now in France have been insane since the European elections. If you didn't know :

- A far-right party, RN (that was founded by literal Nazis) got 32% of the votes amidst a turnout of only 51% of people who can vote

- the president (center/center right), who's party did terribly considering he's sitting president, decided to dissolve the Assemblée Nationale (think US Congress, kinda) and new elections will happen on 30 June and 7 July

- if RN gets the majority of seats in this election that means the president will have to choose someone from their party as his prime minister

- the left has decided to make an alliance, like we did against the rise of fascism in 1937 (it worked, the regime was different back then and more parliamentary but we still elected Léon Blum as president) called Front Populaire, same name as back then

- both Reconquête (far right too, just as bad as RN but less popular) and LR (right) called for talks with RN into forming an alliance as well but both ended in schisms with Eric Zémour (main backer of Reconquête) decided to pull out while Marion Maréchal (niece of the RN bigwig) decided to leave/was excluded for going to her aunt's side (the only real difference between them is they don't agree who is more detestable between a white queer french person and an immigrant of colour)

- the details of the LR schism is even more insane. The president of the party, Éric Ciotti, called for the alliance with RN but most people are against that because there is a big difference between being concervative and voting for the Nazi party so he was ousted of his role as president of the party but he refused his firing, got everyone out of the party HQ and locked himself in.

- the LR's Twitter account is on Ciotti's side, the Facebook account is against him. Several LR politicians were seen outside the building preparing to physically remove him. The general secretary came as a saviour with the spare key to the building and he was kicked out. The Twitter account was closed

- a politician from a left party went on the show of Cyril Hanouna (TV host, fucking stupid, everyone I know absolutely loathes him but he gets a lot of views apparently, he supports RN). They argued and called each other "toutou" (kind of childish word for dog, essentially bitch but less vulgar and without sexual implications). Another politician decided to repost the video of Hanouna blowing into a dog's anus

All of this happened in, like, 72h total.

And of course the plan to shit in the Seine (river that goes through Paris) en masse on 23 June, maybe 30 June, when the president and the mayor of Paris will go to swim in it to prove it's clean enough for the Olympics opening ceremony and swimming competitions (it's not, the river has dead bodies, sewage and trash in it and I think it seeps into the catacombs).

So, yeah, this is an absolutely wild time to live in France and I need to go bother every apolitical and/or lazy person I know to vote and do so against the RN because I do NOT want to live under a fascist government. I'm seeing my grandparents tomorrow and I'm hoping really hard that their LR ass fell on the right side of the schism or Christmas will be tense between my queer ass, my black siblings, my leftist brother and literally everyone else having genuinely considered leaving the country when there was the possibility of the RN winning during the last presidential elections.

[yeah-i-exist]

It's so embarrassing to learn major world news from Tumblr because my friends will text me like "Oh my god, did you know that X ?" and I'll have to be like "Yeah, Dean told me." or I'll have people ask "Did you see that the queen died ?" and my only response would be "Yeah, my dashboard was flooded with dancing crab gifs and then Dean confirmed it."

[yeah-i-exist]

In retrospect a lot of the pirated Japanese animated films I watched as a kid probably fucked me up. But like, my family saw animation and assumed it was suitable for children and then they didn't stay with me as I watched it. Because it was mainly with my grandparents who are boomers and that's just their approach to children's media. There is no way all that body horror didn't affect me. I'm fairly sure at least two had on-screen torture. They were good movies, just objectively not good for children under 13

I'm collecting a list of Short Stories That Fucked Us Up As Children. reblog and tell me what I'm missing.

here's the list so far:

the yellow wallpaper

all in a summer day

fever dream

the lottery

hey come on out

by the waters of Babylon

the most dangerous game

flowers for Algernon

a good man is hard to find

skin

to build a fire

silent snow secret snow

bartleby the scrivener

i have no mouth and I must scream

harrison bergeron

lamb to the slaughter

the cask of amontillado

the telltale heart

the vampyre

where did you come from, where did you go

the monkey's paw

I'll add a poll in case it helps haha

[yeah-i-exist]

You know what, no, I'm not confused about it.

Do those feelings go against the labels I typically use to describe myself ? Maybe, in a way. Do people think there is no way those feelings weren't/aren't romantic/sexual when I tell them about it ? Yes, but those not being romantic/sexual is a conclusion I've come to after literal years of reflection and if anyone has authority to describe my feelings it's myself.

I won't let others tell me what I'm supposed to feel, that's the point of queerness. And I won't let people tell me my labels are wrong because I choose them for myself and not for others.

I intend to keep my ridiculously strong feelings for that girl I had for all of my teenage years that somehow weren't romantic and I'll keep that visceral desire to be pinned to a wall by some people without wanting anything else to come from the interaction.

I don't feel romantic attraction, that makes me identify as aro. I don't feel sexual attraction, that makes me identify as ace. And if I feel something else as well that people don't understand then that's not my problem. My feelings are mine and their confusion is theirs.

Aroace who's extremely confused by their tertiary attraction call that a disoriented aroace

[yeah-i-exist]

Believe it or not, I accidentally made alcohol again.

I got a selection of locally-sourced honeys from a small producer for Christmas and while I've consumed some of it there are another two jars in my cupboard.

And I went in to eat some, grabbed a jar of acacia honey, sniffed it and smelled alcohol. There is a distinctly more liquid layer at the top and my brother confirmed that it does, indeed smell like alcohol.

So yeah, I accidentally made alcohol again but this time it was mead.

I knew, theoretically, based on the little I know about winemaking, that this was possible but I accidentally made wine.

There is this water bottle I have at my mother's place that I hadn't used in months. Except last time I used it I put lemon juice and sugar in my water.

Those who know how fermentation works probably see where I'm going there.

And when I opened it to clean it, I noticed a pressure build-up, a strong smell of wine and a small amount of liquid at the bottom that was distinctly more opaque than my homemade lemonade.

So anyway, my friends are calling me Jesus now and I am slightly tempted to try actually making my own wine in conditions that would make it safe to drink (as much as any alcoholic beverage can be)

[yeah-i-exist]

What's your weirdest Pavlovian reaction ?

Because I was reminded this morning by my brother's musical taste that I accidentally trained myself to have a Pavlovian reaction to a particular artist's music and singer's voice. I know Jeff Williams writes absolute bangers that Casey Lee Williams sings to perfection but I have exams, I can't read CHERUB right now.

Because my RWBY phase somehow coincided with my CHERUB phase and now I can't listen to one without wanting to read the other and vice-versa.

As a side note, the CHERUB books are not very good to a mature reader unless there is the added value of nostalgia and frankly I would recommend against giving them to a child today. Maybe 20 years ago it was a viable option but today the... icky parts far outweigh the few progressive ideas peppered in. It just happens to be one of my comfort series that I read all 25 books of every 10-12 months.

[yeah-i-exist]

My brother and I found an old Harlequin book in the communal book box in front of our building so obviously I took it and I'm reading it. This book is insane and I didn't expect to enjoy it so much.

Imagine you get a letter from the child of your ex (whom you haven't seen in 13 years) begging you to help her raise money for the cause her father recently died fighting for and you choose to go, not because it's a good deed but because you want to fuck her mother now that she is recently widowed.

And of course that child is secretly his.

Also, the man on the cover is very clearly not him because the cover looks like this

But the protagonist is blond (which is actually relevant to the plot), is supposed to be a decade older than this guy looks and has his hands covered in burn scars and is missing his left thumb due to the tragic accident™ that ended his piano career and in which he saved a baby from a burning car.

And all that is from the first 1/10 of the book.

All in all, this book has the predictability of a Hallmark movie, the drama of a soap opera and the characters fuck like they're in a Netflix show aimed at teenagers, it's a lot of fun.

Genuinely enjoying mommy porn was not on my 2024 bingo card but here I am.

Obviously in my next DnD campaign a bard based on this book's male main character will appear at every tavern the party visits and say narratively relevant things until my players start asking about his backstory and inevitably ask what's up with him because he wouldn't be named like any of my other characters and yet have a really detailed description and backstory without having any apparent relevance to the plot.

[yeah-i-exist]

I just need people to know that in French we have an actual, specific word for dragon-rider and it's so fucking cool. Translating dragon-rider literally would make chevaucheur de dragon anyways and that sounds so wrong on so many levels. The word is dragonier, which I guess would translate directly to dragoneer and the direct meaning is dragon-rider because it's structured like cavalier so it's like horse-rider except with a dragon but it also has the same structure as chevalier, which technically also means horse-rider (the words are very clearly cognates) but is actually our word for knight. It also has the same feel as an adjective that would mean dragon-related. Anyways, I love dragonier so fucking much that I've been disappointed for years every time I read dragon-rider and remember that English just doesn't have a specific word for this insanely cool concept.

[yeah-i-exist]

A character having to deal with the aftermath of I could have saved you but failed to is heart wrenching, sure, but there is nothing more soul shattering to me than the moment of I could save you but I can't, I could save you but you would never forgive me for it, I could save you but I know I shouldn't, I COULD SAVE YOU BUT I WON'T and the knowledge that the character will not only have to continue living without their loved one but also be forever haunted by the knowledge they are the reason they are gone, they had the power to save them, didn't and most of all cannot bring themselves to regret that choice

[yeah-i-exist]

I've cried more over the death of someone's OC who was dead centuries before the story started than over my parent's divorce

[yeah-i-exist]

Have you ever read a fic so good you cried ? Like, not due to the content (given how good it is probably that too) but because you're overwhelmed by how happy you are a fic like that exists ? Because I'm doing it right now.

I mean, FUCK. It's longer than lotr, not finished yet, goes so in-depth with lore and character studies but it does it so effortlessly. Every other scene just takes hold of my insides and twists or makes me grin from ear to ear.

And it's there, on the internet, for free, made in someone's free time.

It's a love letter to the show, the universe, the characters, writing itself.

Some lines hit hard because the story around them is masterfully built, others because of context from the original show and prior emotional attachment but some are just so raw.

"I wish I did not have to explore the ache of loving her while her spirit rests."

And this is from an INTERLUDE, from a character the protagonist will never meet and who died centuries before the events of the fic. The plot genuinely doesn't need this character to have feelings but not only does she have some I am getting overwhelmed with them. I am MOURNING an OC who was declared dead as she was introduced and has been dead for centuries by the time the plot happens because it is impossible to read the POV of a character who loved her so endlessly without feeling a bit of her love for her too

[yeah-i-exist]

I knew, theoretically, based on the little I know about winemaking, that this was possible but I accidentally made wine.

There is this water bottle I have at my mother's place that I hadn't used in months. Except last time I used it I put lemon juice and sugar in my water.

Those who know how fermentation works probably see where I'm going there.

And when I opened it to clean it, I noticed a pressure build-up, a strong smell of wine and a small amount of liquid at the bottom that was distinctly more opaque than my homemade lemonade.

So anyway, my friends are calling me Jesus now and I am slightly tempted to try actually making my own wine in conditions that would make it safe to drink (as much as any alcoholic beverage can be)

[yeah-i-exist]

I read a fic once that made golf sound really hot but every fic that has mini golf would be the exact same with any other game

golf sucks but mini golf is fucking awesome....truly one of life's great paradoxes

[yeah-i-exist]

I'm going to mention some really disturbing dead dove fics I found, I won't get into details (I haven't read the fics anyways) but information I got from the tags is already scarring enough so scroll past this if you haven't already been completely ruined by the internet. I don't know what tags to put for people to filter it out so I'm just saying it now.

I wanted to check out fics for my favourite movie that I've loved ever since I was a kid, because I stumbled upon cool edits of it. The thing is, it's a bit obscure.

Generally, the worst that can happen when looking for fics for an obscure piece of media is not finding anything or there only being kink fics that you aren't into but somehow that doesn't apply to obscure media from your childhood.

Because I found that three separate people wrote dead dove for that movie, two of which thought non-con underage incest owl porn was a good idea.

Yeah... that's not a string of words I ever thought I'd use. Also the fics were written like 12 years after the movie came out.

I guess it's not hurting anyone but also I'm genuinely confused as to why and how anyone could want to read or write that kind of thing.