yeariess

[yeariess]

Hands & Biceps

Description: A calm night aboard the Sunny spirals into chaos when you confidently challenge Zoro and Sanji to a drinking contest. With the crew cheering and betting on the sidelines, sake flows, pride is tested, and your drunken honesty slips out in the most embarrassing way possible.

Warnings & Tags: Alcohol use, drinking contest, Light profanity, Secondhand embarrassment (lots of it!), Canon-typical humor + Straw Hat chaos, teasing, fem reader insert.

Words: 4,383

The Sunny was alive with that warm hum it always had after dinner. Plates stacked high from Sanji’s cooking, Luffy’s laugh bouncing off the deck, Brook plucking his guitar with something that could only loosely be called a tune. The salt air rolled across the ship, mingling with the smell of grilled fish and spice.

You leaned back against the railing, sake cup in hand, cheeks already a little flushed. It was rare for everyone to be this relaxed, no Marines, no storms, no bounties hanging over their heads for the night. Just the crew, the sea, and a bottle of good sake.

Zoro sat on the deck a few feet away, already on his second bottle. His arms were folded, one hand lazily holding his cup, the muscles in his forearm flexing with every small movement. Unbothered. He didn’t even look like the alcohol was touching him.

Across from him, Sanji lit a cigarette with that easy elegance of his, long fingers curling around the flame like it belonged there. He exhaled slow, leaned back, and smirked in your direction.

You narrowed your eyes and took another sip, letting the fire of the sake burn in your throat before you said it.

“You know…” you started, voice carrying just enough to reach them both, “I could drink both of you under the table.”

For a moment, silence. Then—

Zoro snorted. A short, dismissive sound, like you’d just told him Usopp could beat him in a sword fight.

Sanji nearly choked on his smoke before barking out a laugh. “What was that, mademoiselle? You think you could out-drink me and that moss-head?”

You grinned, leaning forward now. “Exactly. You two talk big, but I bet you can’t handle it. Zoro’s probably all show, and Sanji—well, you’d get distracted staring at Nami and Robin.”

That landed. Sanji sputtered, indignant, while Zoro finally turned his head, one sharp eye narrowing at you.

“You’ve got guts, I’ll give you that,” he said, voice low and even. “But don’t make claims you can’t back up.”

“Oh, I can back them up,” you shot back, slamming your empty cup down on the deck. “Line up the bottles. Let’s go.”

The energy shifted instantly. Luffy was suddenly bouncing on his heels like this was the best idea he’d ever heard. “A contest! A contest! Let’s do it! Who’s gonna win, who’s gonna win?!”

Nami’s sharp grin was already curling at the edges of her mouth. “Perfect. I’ll place my money on Zoro.”

“Oi, what the hell, Nami-swan?! You’re not betting on me?!” Sanji whined, dramatically clutching his chest.

Nami didn’t even blink. “Zoro’s tolerance is unbeatable. You, on the other hand, swoon if a woman so much as breathes near you. You’ll be out halfway through.”

Usopp piped up immediately, throwing an arm around your shoulder. “I’ll bet on her! She’s talking way too confidently not to have something up her sleeve. Put me down for… uh… 100 berries!”

Nami smirked. “Deal.”

Brook raised a hand politely. “Yohoho, if we’re placing bets, I’ll put a wager on Sanji-san. He may be hopeless with women, but perhaps alcohol will fuel his tragic passion~”

“Tragic passion my ass,” Franky muttered, arms crossed. “My money’s on Zoro. Guy’s basically made of sake at this point.”

Chopper looked nervous. “Is… is this safe? Shouldn’t we set a limit? Alcohol poisoning is real, you know!”

“Don’t worry, Chopper!” Luffy threw an arm around him. “They’ll be fine! This is gonna be awesome!”

You smirked at the chaos, confidence curling in your chest like heat. Yeah, maybe this was reckless. Maybe you were about to be completely humiliated. But the challenge was worth it. Anything to wipe that smug, dismissive look off Zoro’s face and to shut Sanji up when he got all flirty like it was a weapon.

Zoro tilted his head, looking at you with that slow, almost amused smirk that made your blood rise. “Hope you’re ready to lose.”

Sanji exhaled smoke through his nose, pouring the first cups with a flourish. “Ladies first, of course.”

The bottles clinked. The contest began.

The first round went down easy. Sanji handed you your cup with that over-the-top flourish, bowing slightly, eyes soft like you were the most delicate thing alive. “For you, mademoiselle. May your lips be kissed only by the finest sake.”

You rolled your eyes, but your cheeks betrayed you with a little heat. “Just pour, chef.”

Zoro didn’t even wait he tipped his head back and downed his cup in one gulp, expression unreadable. He let out a sharp breath and refilled without a word.

“Show off,” you muttered, but raised your cup anyway. The burn down your throat made you wince, but you didn’t let it show. Not yet.

The crew was gathered in a loose circle, cheering like you were gladiators in an arena. Luffy clapped like a kid watching fireworks, Chopper wrung his little hooves in panic, and Nami leaned back with that calculating smile, already certain she was winning.

Second round. Third. Fourth.

By the fifth, Sanji’s cheeks had gone faintly pink, though he was still grinning at you between smokes. “You’re holding out well, my dear. It’s impressive, seeing such beauty paired with such resilience.”

You smirked, leaning over the table toward him. “Keep talking, and I’ll make sure you’re the first one under it.”

“Ooooh!” Usopp hollered, punching the air. “That’s my girl! She’s got this!”

Zoro scoffed, knocking back his drink. “Your confidence is cute. Won’t last.”

“You’re awful quiet over there, swordsman,” you shot back, words slipping out smoother than you meant. “Not a single entertaining comment? Hm.”

That earned you a few glances. Sanji raised a brow, lips twitching in amusement. Nami’s eyes sharpened, hiding a grin.

Zoro didn’t even blink. “Didn’t think I needed to waste breath proving anything. Especially to you.”

Your pulse jumped at the tone, but you rolled your shoulders and poured another round. “Cocky bastard.”

By round seven, your laugh had gone looser, spilling out easier. The sake was warm in your belly, making the world a little softer at the edges. You leaned forward on your elbows, gaze slipping between the two men.

Sanji’s hands caught your attention this time, elegant and long-fingered as he tapped ash into the tray. “You know,” you said without thinking, voice just loud enough, “it’s kind of unfair. Hands like that shouldn’t exist. No wonder you cook so well.”

Sanji froze, then beamed like the sun breaking through clouds. “Ah, ma chérie, such a compliment—coming from you, I feel truly blessed!” He looked seconds away from proposing marriage.

The crew erupted. Luffy laughed so hard he tipped backward. Usopp slapped his knee. Even Brook strummed a ridiculous victory chord on his guitar.

“Oi, oi,” you slurred, waving them off. “I’m just saying. Look at them.” You reached forward, almost grabbing his wrist before catching yourself, but the slip had already happened. “They’re… stupidly attractive.”

Sanji looked like he might faint on the spot.

Zoro refilled his cup with deliberate slowness, muttering under his breath, “Pathetic.”

You whipped your gaze to him, heat rising to your cheeks. “And what about you, hm?” Your eyes dropped to his forearm, to the way veins cut sharp lines under skin every time he lifted the bottle. “Walking around with those arms should be illegal.”

Nami’s grin widened like a shark scenting blood. Usopp clutched his stomach, choking on laughter. Even Franky spat out part of his drink.

Zoro’s cup paused halfway to his lips. His eye flicked to you, then away, unreadable. He tipped the cup back in silence, but there was a faint twitch at the corner of his mouth.

You slumped forward, groaning into your cup. “Not fair. Both of you. Unfair genetics.”

Round nine. Sanji’s flirty energy started to wobble he was slurring compliments into half-sentences, blowing smoke with less grace than usual. He reached for the bottle and nearly missed.

Round ten. You felt the burn settling in your bones, your head light but your determination iron-clad. You refused to be the first one down. Not after all the things you’d said.

Zoro was still steady. Too steady. It was infuriating. The flush in his cheeks was faint, his breathing normal, only the slight looseness in his shoulders betraying anything.

You leaned across the table, squinting at him. “You’re cheating.”

His brow arched. “How the hell would I cheat at drinking?”

“You’re secretly pouring it into your bandana or something,” you accused, waving a finger. “There’s no way you’re this unaffected.”

He actually chuckled low and quiet. “Face it. You’re just weak.”

That stung. You downed your next cup with reckless defiance.

By round twelve, Sanji was gone face planted dramatically on the table, still muttering something about your beauty and destiny before snoring loud enough to shake the plates.

“Guess he’s out,” Franky said, patting Sanji’s back.

Usopp waved frantically. “No, no, she’s still in it! Come on, you can do this!”

You blinked hard, fighting the blur in your vision. Every muscle felt heavy, but your pride shoved you forward. “One more.”

Zoro smirked, filling your cup. His fingers brushed yours briefly as he handed it over. Heat rushed through you, stronger than the sake.

You lifted it with both hands, took it down in one go, and slammed it back onto the table. “There. Beat that.”

He lifted his own cup, drank slow and steady, then set it down with surgical calm. Not even a waver.

You groaned, head thunking against the table. “Unfair… stupid biceps.”

The crew burst into laughter again. Nami high-fived Robin across the table. Usopp collapsed in despair, clutching his head.

Luffy was rolling on the deck, tears streaming down his face. “She said ‘stupid biceps!’ AHAHAHA!”

Zoro leaned back, victorious silence wrapping around him. His eye lingered on you a fraction longer than necessary before he finally closed it, arms folded.

The last thing you remembered before blacking out was muttering, “…and those hands too. Damn.”

The deck spun. You slumped forward. Out cold.

The world tilted pleasantly as you slumped over the table, cheek pressed against the cool wood. Every sound seemed too loud the clink of empty cups, the thud of Sanji’s head against his folded arms, Luffy’s endless cackling.

Zoro sat above it all, arms crossed, expression calm as if nothing had happened. The faintest blush colored his cheeks, but compared to you and Sanji, he looked almost sober.

“And the Winner is Zoro!” Nami announced like a referee, snapping her logbook shut with smug precision. “Thank you all for your bets. Payment will be collected immediately.”

“NOOOO!” Usopp howled, dropping onto his knees. “My money! My pride! My faith in humanity!”

Franky shoved a pouch of coins into Nami’s waiting hand with a sigh. “Told ya moss-head was unbeatable. The guy’s liver is built like steel.”

Chopper scurried around the table, checking pulses. “You’re all insane! You could’ve seriously hurt yourselves—oh my god, Sanji’s heartbeat is irregular!”

“Relax, Chopper,” Robin said gently, sipping her tea with amused calm. “They’ll survive.”

You groaned into the table, voice muffled. “Ughhh… I didn’t lose. I just… napped.”

That sent Luffy into another fit of laughter, clutching his stomach. “You napped? HAHAHA Stop lying!”

Zoro cracked one eye open at you, lips quirking faintly. “Call it what you want. Still lost.”

You lifted your head groggily, trying to glare at him, but your eyes betrayed you slipping down his arm to where his bicep flexed under folded sleeves. Heat sparked in your face again. “Goddamn… your arms are ridiculous.”

The words fell out too loud, too clear. The entire deck went dead silent for a split second before bursting into chaos.

“OOOOH!” Usopp shrieked, pointing at you like he’d struck gold.

Nami’s grin widened, teeth flashing.

Luffy wheezed, tears streaming down his cheeks. “You said it again! AHAHAHA!”

Zoro’s gaze flicked sideways at you, unreadable except for the faintest twitch of amusement at the corner of his mouth.

But you weren’t done. Oh no. The sake had loosened your tongue far past self-control. Your gaze drifted, caught on Sanji’s hands resting limp on the table. Even drunk and unconscious, they looked graceful, fingers long and elegant.

You sighed dreamily and totally drunk, not realizing the volume of your voice. “And his hands… unfair. Like… seduction weapons. Who let him have those?”

Sanji stirred faintly in his sleep, lips twitching into a weak smile as if he’d heard every word in his dreams.

Brook practically fell over with laughter. “Yohohoho! Seduction weapons! Such a Freak!”

Robin covered her smile with delicate fingers, eyes sparkling. Even she wasn’t immune to the comedy unfolding.

Your head thunked back onto the table, eyes closing. “Ughhh… not fair”

“Biceps and hands!” Luffy chanted gleefully, bouncing on his heels. “Biceps and hands! Biceps and hands!”

“Stop—shhh—” you mumbled, waving weakly, but your protests were drowned in laughter.

Zoro stayed quiet, but his eye lingered on you, sharp and steady. His lips didn’t move, but you could almost swear there was the ghost of a smirk there.

Eventually, the night blurred. Sanji snored loudly into the table, muttering nonsense about “my sweet angel” between breaths. You drifted in and out, every sound muffled by the haze.

You were vaguely aware of being shifted Franky carrying Sanji like dead weight, Robin gently guiding you up by the shoulders, Zoro stalking off toward his usual nap spot as if he hadn’t just consumed half the ship’s alcohol supply.

Somewhere in the shuffle, you heard Usopp’s dramatic wail: “Why do my bets never pay off?!”

And Nami’s sweet reply: “Because you’re a fool, Usopp. Now hand over the rest.”

The last thing you registered before darkness pulled you under was Luffy’s high-pitched giggle, echoing into the night

The morning was going to be hell.

————

Morning

The smell hit first.

Warm bread. Eggs sizzling in butter. Freshly cut fruit. Coffee.

Your stomach flipped violently.

You groaned, dragging yourself upright from the bed, face buried in your arms. Your head throbbed in time with the creak of the Sunny’s boards, the light streaming in from the portholes stabbing at your eyes like knives.

“Ughhhh,” you croaked, clutching your skull. “Who hit me with a cannonball?”

“Good morning, sunshine.” Nami’s voice floated over, way too bright, way too smug. She was seated at the galley table, coins spread in neat piles in front of her, polishing them like they were trophies. “Sleep well?”

You squinted at her through one eye. “What… why are you counting… money?”

Her grin widened. “Because I won. Big time.” She stacked another pile of coins with a flourish. “Turns out betting against you was the easiest money I’ve ever made.”

Your stomach dropped. “Wait—”

And then it all came rushing back.

The contest.

The sake.

The crew cheering.

Your voice, too loud, too confident.

Zoro’s smug smirk.

Sanji’s swooning.

And—

Your face slammed back into your hands with a groan. “No. No no no no no.”

“Ohhh, she remembers,” Usopp sing-songed from across the table, looking ten years older from the loss of his money. “All my savings… gone! Because you couldn’t keep your mouth shut!”

“Shhh!” you hissed, clutching your temples. “Don’t say it!”

Too late.

“Good morning, everyone!” Luffy’s voice rang out as he barreled into the galley, plate already piled high with food. His grin was wider than usual, which was saying something. He plopped down across from you and started stuffing his face with alarming speed.

Then he looked right at you.

And grinned even bigger.

“Ohhh yeah!” he said through a mouthful of bread. “You said the funniest stuff last night!”

Your blood froze. “Luffy. Don’t.”

He ignored you completely, already bouncing in his seat. “You said Zoro’s arms were illegal! AHAHAHAHA!” He slapped the table, tears already forming in the corners of his eyes. “You said his biceps were ruining everything!”

The table exploded.

Nami nearly toppled backward in her chair from laughing so hard. Usopp wheezed, pounding the table with his fist. Even Robin’s shoulders shook delicately as she covered her smile.

“Shut UP, LUFFY!” you hissed, mortified, burying your face in your hands.

But Luffy wasn’t done. He leaned over the table, eyes sparkling with the glee of a child with a new toy. “And then you said Sanji’s hands were like… like… what was it again? Oh yeah—SED-UCTION WEAPONS!” He said, trying to spell ‘seduction‘ correctly.

Sanji, who’d just shuffled in with a pale face and dark bags under his eyes, froze mid-step. “…Seduction… weapons?”

Brook strummed a triumphant chord on his guitar. “Yohohoho! Truly the most romantic weapon of them all!”

“Shut it, skeleton!” you barked, but your face was already crimson.

Sanji perked up immediately despite his hangover, eyes sparkling like he’d been reborn. He clasped his chest dramatically. “My sweet angel… to think such divine words escaped your lips—ah! My hands will never be the same again!”

“Please die,” you muttered into the table.

Zoro walked in, scratching the back of his head, looking entirely too fresh for someone who had downed enough sake to knock out a sea king. He glanced at the chaos, then at you, one brow lifting.

“Morning.”

You wanted the floorboards to swallow you whole.

The table went dead silent for a beat, every eye darting between you and Zoro. And then Luffy, unable to resist, shouted:

“She said your biceps are illegal!”

Zoro stopped. His gaze slid to you, steady and unreadable. You swore your soul left your body.

The corner of his mouth twitched—just barely—but enough to make your heart hammer. He grunted, walking past you to grab his breakfast. “Hm. Damn she is right.”

The room erupted.

“OOOOOH!” Usopp screamed, clutching his head. “He AGREED!”

Franky pounded the table, roaring with laughter.

You sank lower and lower in your seat, wishing you could evaporate into the steam rising from the coffee pot.

Sanji slid dramatically into the chair beside you, one hand cupping his chin, the other stretching elegantly across the table like he was presenting it. “And what of my hands, my dear? Do they still hold such sway over your heart this morning?”

“Sanji,” you groaned, “I swear on all that is holy, if you don’t stop talking, I’ll chop them off myself.”

“Such violence!” he wailed, though the sparkle in his eyes betrayed him.

The rest of breakfast was torture. Every few minutes, someone would throw your own words back at you. Usopp sighing about how his money died for “such comedy,” Nami jingling her winnings just loud enough for you to hear.

And of course, Luffy never stopped chanting: “Biceps and hands! Biceps and hands!”

By the time you stumbled away from the table, head still pounding, one vow burned through your skull:

You were never drinking with them again.

…Well. Probably.

You couldn’t take it anymore.

Not Nami jingling her damn coins in your ear.

Not Usopp’s dramatics about losing his fortune.

Not Luffy’s relentless chant of “biceps and hands! biceps and hands!” echoing in your skull like a death knell.

And especially not the way Zoro had just shrugged and agreed with the accusation, like his arms being “illegal” was an undeniable fact of nature.

Heat crawled up your neck, across your ears, down to your chest. Your whole body felt like it was on fire.

“I’m done. I’m so fucking done!” you yelped, pushing away from the table so fast the chair screeched against the wood. “Enjoy your damn breakfast!”

The crew’s laughter only doubled as you bolted, practically sprinting down the hallway toward the girls’ quarters.

You slammed the door shut behind you and threw yourself face-first into your pillow, muffling a scream.

The pillow didn’t judge. The pillow didn’t smirk at you with sharp green eyes or flutter long fingers in your direction. The pillow was safe.

“Ughhh,” you groaned into the fabric, voice muffled. “Why did I get drunk?”

You rolled onto your back, pressing both hands over your face. The memory replayed itself in cruel flashes the way your voice had slurred too loud, the way the crew’s laughter had roared, Sanji’s swoon, Zoro’s silence, that tiny smirk, oh god, the smirk.

You kicked your legs uselessly against the blanket. “I’m never drinking again. Never, ever, ever.”

A soft chuckle drifted from the corner. “That’s what everyone says the morning after.”

You jolted upright. Nami was leaning casually against the doorframe, arms crossed, one brow arched, a grin tugging at her lips.

“Nami!” you squeaked, clutching the pillow like a shield.

“Relax,” she said, strolling in with the ease of someone who owned the place (which, let’s be honest, she basically did). “I’m not here to tease you… well, not much. Just came to tell you—” she jingled her pouch of coins, “—thanks for the easiest money of my life.”

You groaned, flopping back onto the bed and pulling the pillow over your face. “Take your blood money and leave me to die.”

Nami laughed softly, patting your leg through the blanket. “Oh, come on. You should be proud. You provided the best entertainment this crew’s had in weeks.”

“That’s not helping.”

“You’re lucky, you know.”

You peeked out from under the pillow. “How’s that lucky?”

She shrugged. “Sanji’ll take anything you said as gospel truth for the rest of his life, and Zoro… well, if you’d embarrassed him, then you’d be in trouble. But the fact he didn’t care?” Her smile curved knowingly. “That’s the best you could’ve hoped for.”

Your cheeks burned hotter, and you ducked back under the pillow. “I hate this ship. I hate this ocean. I hate—”

A laugh slipped from Nami as she turned to leave. “Sure, sure. Just… maybe avoid sake next time.”

The door clicked shut behind her, leaving you alone with your racing heart and flushed face buried deep in cotton.

You groaned again, kicking the blankets like a child.

“Stupid biceps. Stupid hands. Stupid sake.”

And with your face pressed into the pillow, you decided you’d just stay there forever.

You thought hiding under your blanket would be the end of it. But of course, with this crew, nothing ever ended quietly.

You’d barely calmed down from Nami‘s flexing when you heard footsteps outside your door again. You groaned. “If that’s you again, Nami, I swear—”

The door creaked open, and in walked both Sanji and Zoro, practically shoulder to shoulder.

Your blood ran cold. “Oh no. No, no, no. Not both of you.”

Sanji ignored your protest, striding in with a tray balanced in one hand. The smell of hot tea and buttered toast wafted into the room. “Breakfast in bed, my sweet. Only the finest for the woman who praised these hands as weapons of seduction.” He said with hearts in his eyes, as he set the tray down on your bedside table.

“Stop quoting me!” you shrieked, yanking the blanket up to your nose.

Zoro snorted from the corner, arms crossed, leaning lazily against the wall. “Pathetic. She doesn’t want your soggy toast, curly-brow.”

Sanji whirled on him, eyes blazing. “Soggy?! How dare you insult this masterpiece of simplicity! Unlike you, I actually care about what she likes.” He spun back toward you, heart-shaped eyes practically glowing. “My angel, tell me wouldn’t you rather have a warm meal made with love than sit around staring at some dumb biceps?”

Your face went crimson. “I’m going to die.”

Zoro pushed off the wall, taking a step closer. His smirk was sharp, cocky, infuriating. “You heard her last night, cook. My arms don’t need dressing up. They speak for themselves.” He flexed ever so slightly as he reached for your abandoned pillow and tossed it back onto the bed. “Illegal, wasn’t it?”

You squeaked and shoved your face into the blanket. “I hate all of you.”

“Oi,” Sanji snapped, stepping in between you and Zoro like a knight preparing for battle. “Don’t you dare twist her drunken words to your advantage, moss-head. She was obviously delirious from the alcohol.”

“Funny,” Zoro drawled, crossing his arms again, “she didn’t sound delirious to me.”

Sanji’s teeth practically sparked. “That’s because you wouldn’t recognize romance if it kicked you in the ass.”

“And you wouldn’t recognize reality if it slapped you in the face.”

The two of them squared up right there in the cramped girls’ quarters, eyes locked, sparks flying. You peered out from under your blanket, horrified. “You guys are NOT fighting because of my drunk, hilarious comments.”

Sanji put a hand to his chest, dramatic as ever. “Not fighting, my love. Merely proving who is more deserving of your admiration.”

Zoro scoffed. “Admiration? You passed out halfway through the contest, curly-brow. She lasted longer than you did. If anyone earned respect, it’s her.”

You froze. Your heart skipped a beat at his blunt words. He hadn’t said it sweetly, he never did, but coming from Zoro, it almost sounded like… praise.

Sanji faltered for half a second before puffing up again, cheeks pink. “Tch. Don’t think for a second you’re better suited. She needs warmth and devotion, not some grumpy bastard.”

“You mean she needs peace and quiet, not some lovesick idiot who won’t shut up for five seconds.”

“Better lovesick than emotionless!”

“Better steady than pathetic!”

Your face burned so hot you thought you’d combust. You shot up, blanket falling to your lap, and shouted, “BOTH OF YOU OUT! NOW!”

They blinked, turning in unison to look at you.

Sanji recovered first, dropping to one knee again, hands clasped in mock prayer. “Of course, my goddess. I will leave at once if it eases your delicate—”

“OUT!” you wailed, hurling the pillow at him.

It hit Sanji square in the face. Zoro barked a laugh, which only fueled Sanji’s outrage as he stomped toward the door.

“I’ll prove myself worthy yet!” Sanji declared dramatically before going out.

Zoro lingered just a moment longer, his smirk softer now, almost teasing. His eye met yours, steady and sharp.

“Illegal, huh?” he murmured again, just low enough for only you to hear.

Then he was gone, sliding the door shut behind him.

You collapsed back into your bed, face buried in your blanket, groaning so loudly it echoed through the hull.

This crew was going to kill you.