yurienatlast

[yurienatlast]

Toxic People and Bullying

If a person has "toxic traits," but they don't negatively impact you in any way, are they toxic? Like I know that many people don't consider friends who don't reply to messages as toxic, but is it really fine to just say that? They have circumstances like studying, working etc. isn't it? What if the things they do don't intend to hurt anyone, but may even be something they thought could help foster bonds? Why say they're toxic when they may understand or try something else if you tell them?

I feel like toxic friends and toxic friendship are 2 different things

Are some bullying considered bullying if the person doesn't know it and it doesn't really affect them? For example, if you were to comment that those pair of glasses look unflattering on them, is it bullying?

I'm really open for discussion because I feel like people classify lots of things in ways that could've just been interpreted too heavily when it's actually nothing too serious or deep.

[yurienatlast]

[yurienatlast]

… yknow. I think when Tsuna stands before them all and accepts a title he never wanted, he does it knowing it will kill him

Sure, he’s been fighting. Sure, he’s been trying to make changes. Trying to make things better.

But he doesn’t expect to live to see the fruits of his labors

He’s nineteen and he’s already faced death a few too many times. He’s nineteen and five years from now he will stare directly into a face he’s never seen but knows how its coffin will look

Primo already failed. He will too.

But he can do a lot of good before it’s over.

It really makes him wonder if this will count as a betrayal of his deal with Mukuro. The one where he asked that if he ever betray his ideals, Mukuro be the one to punish him.

But it isn’t. Not really. He’s doing exactly as he said he would.

The mafia shouldn’t exist.

By the time this is over, he’ll have shed too much blood to be considered a good person.

So it’s only fair that he dies.

That’s how it works, right?

He was raised by a man who sees death as a transaction.

And Tsuna learned from the best

[yurienatlast]

art dump tralala

[yurienatlast]

because reborn is chronically allergic to saying what he means and showing sincerity the same way some people would die from anaphylactic shock from eating nuts (but really he's just a loser) while tsuna grew up bullied resulting in a distorted self-perception i don't think tsuna will ever realize that reborn cares about him as more than just a job

reborn is like "why yes of course he knows i care about him i stay with him even after my job to groom him into the perfect successor is done after all" but tsuna is like "yeah of course reborn stays with me even after i become a boss he clearly doesnt trust i wont fuck up and thats fair i will definitely fuck up without him"

and none of this will ever be addressed unless a third party interferes

[yurienatlast]

Have an angsty KHR AU (Playing fast and loose with flame lore and characterization. Also, I haven't figured out what the 10th Gen Guardians are doing during all this, but whatever it is, it involves So Many miscommunications.)

The AU:

Tsuna doesn't want to be a mafia boss. He hates the violence, he hates the danger, he hates knowing that if he messes up, it can get people killed.

But no one really listens to him. Not even Reborn, who just sees Tsuna's whole "I don't want to be a mafia boss" thing as a sort of juvenile rebellion phase.

(But it's not. Every time one of Tsuna's people comes home hurt, every time Tsuna has to inflict harm on the battlefield, every time Tsuna is exposed to the casual cruelty of the underworld, it damages something inside of him. It scars his soul. He hates it. He does not want to be a mafia boss.)

And then Timoteo's health declines. (These next two paragraphs were heavily inspired by Break These Chains on Me by Luki on AO3.) Tsuna, knowing his time is running out and absolutely desperate, tries to make plans to get tf out. Maybe he signs up for civilian university. Maybe he makes plans to travel. Maybe he tries to create a fake identity to just run. And Tsuna, who has learned to rely on and trust Reborn -- after everything, how could he not -- confides in him about these plans.

And Reborn -- who has never really understood why Tsuna hates the mafia -- thinks this is one last (highly irritating) attempt at a teenage rebellion. It's not entirely unexpected, what with the weight of being Don Vongola looming over Tsuna's shoulders. And so, in a true Disappointed Reborn fashion, he responds with a harsh but effective lesson. He plays along with Tsuna's escape plans for a bit, and then. And then. It's the day Tsuna plans to vanish, and Reborn sits Tsuna down at the table, with Xanxus and Timoteo, and tells Tsuna if he doesn't fall in line Bad Things are gonna happen to his people.

(Reborn does not intend this to be an actual threat. It's supposed to be a slap on the wrist. A sort of, "Yeah, you're a teenager, but you need to start conducting yourself more seriously, knock it off before I actually get mad." Sure, Vongola is threatening to kidnap Tsuna's mom, but the kidnappers are just going to take her out for tea and cake and a spa night, and when Tsuna shows up to rescue her she'll be fine. The real punishment will be the physical path to go get her -- Reborn has an Embarrassing Obstacle Course TM planned.

And so on, for all of Tsuna's precious ones.

Reborn does not consider that Tsuna might actually believe the severity of the threats. After all they've been through, after all they've done for each other, Reborn knows Tsuna would never believe that Reborn could actually hurt Tsuna's people.)

But Tsuna. Well, Tsuna's on a different page. This life is killing him, slowly, and when Reborn tells him that he never intended to help Tsuna escape, it hits Tsuna like a full-on betrayal. And while mere minutes before, Tsuna knew that Reborn would never even dream of harming Tsuna's people, Tsuna no longer can trust this. Tsuna fully and absolutely believes that Reborn's threats are real, and that there will be permanent consequences if he doesn't comply.

It gets worse.

Tsuna thought Reborn actually cared about him. Reborn had, slowly but inevitably, become something like a father to Tsuna. But in that moment, Tsuna realizes that he actually was just a job all along.

And Xanxus. Tsuna also thought Xanxus cared about him. He thought they had come to an understanding. He thought they were starting to become brothers, of a sort -- bonded by battle and trauma and shared responsibilities, by nights complaining to each other over dinner or over the phone. And as Tsuna sits across from them, hearing his people threatened and knowing he is, in fact, going to be forced to Italy, he comes to believe that none of that new brotherhood was real.

And Tsuna realizes he has no choice. He never had a choice. He will end up in Italy, as Don Vongola, no matter how much it is going to kill him inside.

And worse: the people he has come to love clearly do not love him back. If they did, they would not be doing this to him. And sitting at that kitchen table, seeing the disappointment in Reborn and Xanxus' eyes, he knows that he is never going to be enough.

But he knows, he knows, that he isn't going to survive Italy without having them in his life supporting him. Because even if they don't love him, he does, truly, love them.

And he comes to the conclusion that if he remains as he is -- weak, useless Tsuna -- not only will he inevitably lose them, but he just flat out won't survive the life stretching out (long, so long, and so so desolate) before him.

So he uses his flames.

He images the mafia boss that they want him to be (as he perceives it). He thinks about all the characteristics they must want him to have, all the things they expect him to want, and he conjures an image of this better Tsuna in his mind. And then he harmonizes with it, becomes one with this false image of himself.

But it doesn't work, not all the way. There are still bits of him, the original, weak, disappointing Tsuna left. He can feel it, in the dread at the thought of the life before him. In the shocked-hurt he feels at this betrayal. In the agony of knowing that they don't care about him, they never cared about him, they only care about his title.

So he puts those bits of himself in ice.

And suddenly, the years ahead don't seem so bad. Suddenly, the betrayal seems reasonable -- after all, wasn't he acting so silly, so juvenile, trying to escape like that. Suddenly, it doesn't matter that they don't love him back -- of course they don't, why would they love him? -- all that matters is he loves them. As long as he keeps himself in check, and matches their expectations, nothing is wrong.

Tsuna looks at them, sitting across the table, and complies with their demands.

Reborn does, for a moment, think that it happens a bit too easily. There's none of the usual screeching, no dragging of the heels, no protests. Right then, Reborn fully expects it to boil over at some point in the future. (He thinks, maybe, that Tsuna is playing along now, but will have a teenagery-protest again as it gets closer to the time they leave for Italy.)

(It never happens.)

Reborn thinks, merely, that Tsuna has put on the mantle of maturity. It's a little ahead of schedule of what he was expecting, but then again, Tsuna has always exceeded expectations.

Time passes. Timoteo's health declines. He dies. Tsuna goes to Italy, and becomes a mafia boss.

(It's a golden age. Tsuna is just as compassionate and selfless and determined as Reborn always knew he would be. There is a peace, unlike anything the underworld has ever seen, because of his rule.

This peace is a result of the core of Tsuna peeking out. It always would have happened.)

It's five years into Tsuna's reign before people begin to realize that something is really, really wrong with Tsuna.

They do figure it out, eventually. And when they do, when they realize what happened and what caused it, it breaks them, just as much as they broke Tsuna all those years ago.

[yurienatlast]

Re-reading the Simon arc what I find interesting is how both sides guardians speak about their respective boss.

Firstly we have Rauji vs Lambo. To Rauji the Simon is a family bonded by pain. To him Enma is a real boss. Someone above him. That Enma will avenge this loss in his place. Because in where he fails, Enma will make up for. However to Lambo, Tsuna is his older brother. Simple. In his eyes, he doesn't expect Tsuna to fight for him. It's because of Tsuna that he isn't even fighting that often. Tsuna introduced him to so much of the world, protecting him, allowing him to enjoy his childhood from a protective bubble. Even though the role of the Lightning guardians is meant to endure pain to draw away from the family, Tsuna is always protecting him. To Lambo they are bonded by happiness and enjoyment of life. Rauji wants Enma to fight for their sakes, Lambo wants Tsuna to bring him along to the fight. Lambo looks up to all of the guardians to be like them. Rauji just looks up to Enma as a boss in a different standing.

Next we Shitt P vs Gokudera. Shitt P does love Enma that is a fact. However, she also sees his flaws. That's why she strives to be herself and love herself more than anyone. Relying on Enma to protect her is futile. In a way you can say Enma fails as a leader if she doesn't fully count on him or any of them to help her be herself. When she tries to convince Gokudera the same, that Tsuna will one day fail him, he doesn't see it. Because to him, though Tsuna is terrible at a lot of things, he sees Tsuna as a boss and friend. Tsuna accepted his flaws and Gokudera accepted his flaws, allowing them to grow off of one another. Again this difference in power where there's this expectation that Enma as the boss should be powerful and flawless which he isn't causing her to lose faith in him in the long run. She doesn't talk about him like he's going to restore the Simon name like the others do that she must live with herself always being a bottom dog and accept that. That pedestal of being boss is always shut down by Tsuna especially towards Gokudera. Be a friend first and see eye to eye. And while Gokudera is still working on it, he can say that he doesn't look to Tsuna to protect him. They protecr each other, side by side.

Finally we have Adelheid vs Hibari. Out of all the Simon guardians Adelheid views Enma as their hero the highest. Because of that she never sees Enma's struggles. Convincing herself that the boy understands what has to be done to restore their name. And yes he does understand but does he fully accept it? No way. As he and Tsuna and the rest of the Simon got closer, Enma was not blind that Tsuna's generation was not the same as those that abused them. To throw that away was painful but yes it convinced him that this way of pain was the only option in their cruel world. Reminder this is 400 years of revenge and pain that is on Enma to fix. That's heavy and he can't say no. Not to the only family he has left. Enma is crying for help to figure out why it has to be this way but Adelheid only sees him as a strong boss that already accepted his fate and created this respect for that image that he couldn't dare break.

Contrast to that is Hibari who barely ever associates himself with the Vongola let alone as Tsuna's guardian. He pretty much says that he thanks Tsuna for allowing him freedom to move, but one day he's gonna beat the shit out of him. Hibari sees Tsuna as a small animal that one day will grow to have his respect. But until then he will help him grow. One look at Tsuna was all he needed to know that the boy was lost (in finding his pride). By viewing Tsuna as literally a normal boy there is no special treatment for him. All the respect that Tsuna has gained, has been earned through everything they've been through. They are not boss and guardian. They are fighters on a field. Eye to eye with no power difference (like hierarchy wise, pretty sure Hibari rightful thinks Tsuna is physically weaker than him)

In general, the Simon look up to Enma like their saviour, the one that will bring them into the light and repay back all the pain they've suffered. Meanwhile the Vongola look at Tsuna like a regular dude. And again I do think that they love Enma and consider all of them to be extremely close but they were doomed to lose from the start because of all these expectations on Enma that eventually crushed him to the point that the truth of the past couldn't be seen.

[yurienatlast]

Reborn is this weird paradox amongst the arcos where he has the MOST relationships cultivated but not a single one of them goes deeper than a puddle on his end until suddenly you reach the drop off point and you look back and see that you are no longer splashing in something shallow but there’s a giant gulf at your back and you’re lost at sea

You get no warning for where or when this point is. You don’t even notice it happening most of the time

Most people, when it comes to Reborn, have the good sense to keep their head above the water after they reach the point of no return. They see the shadows of something large swimming beneath them and ignore it, because it’s a dangerous game of that shadow being something harmless which might be interested in helping them continue to float along or being something that will hurt them if they try to touch it

Tsuna, a patented idiot: I’m gonna go diving actually

And you see, Tsuna notices those shadows swimming far beneath him. Tsuna notices, but it’s to his detriment because he hasn’t learned how to hold his breath long enough to check what’s safe and what isn’t and what he needs to take his time with

Bianchi is one of the rare people who took that time with Reborn, and he sincerely loves her for it. She gets away with a LOT of crap when it comes to him he wouldn’t tolerate from anyone else

And sometimes, very rarely, Reborn will send out a bird. Something large and flashy which blocks out the sun, something like appearing in front of Tsuna as an adult during the representative battles, and yes it's ridiculous that his idiot student doesn't notice a damn thing, but why would he? Why would he notices the world above him going dark?

He doesn’t think Reborn will ever make anything easy for him lol

So why would he look up?

[yurienatlast]

tsuna and gokudera’s dynamic is “no one’s ever found me worth standing by my side no matter what to the very end” and “no one’s ever found me worth accepting me just the way i am, and as i am now in spite of my many flaws and shortcomings”

tsuna and yamamoto’s dynamic is “everyone always makes me pay the price for every single one of my mistake, no matter how little and insignificant” and “everyone always expects me to be perfect at being who they want me to be, and i’m afraid they’ll find me worthless if i mess up even once”

tsuna and lambo’s dynamic is “no one ever cares that i’m just a child” and “everyone always punishes and rejects me for acting like the child i am”

tsuna and ryohei’s dynamic is “no one’s ever found me worth taking under their wing, looking after, paving the way for me and making sure it’s safe for me to follow after them” and “as the one who needs to be relied on, as the protector, the example, the older one, no one’s ever looked after me and took care of me on the same grounds as i do for them”

tsuna and hibari’s dynamic is “i’ve never had anything to put my faith in, knowing that it wouldn’t so much as shake and would never fail me even in the face of the end of the world” and “i’ve never had to learn that even my strength can fail me, but there can be strength in weakness too, in letting others help me make up for that weakness, and i can grow even stronger for it”

tsuna and mukuro’s dynamic is “no one’s ever thought me worth allowing me my childhood and made me grow up too soon” and “no one ever cared that i was never allowed to be a child, and i’ll never stand for that fate to be allowed to go on unpunished any longer”

tsuna and chrome’s dynamic is “i’ve always been less than what people want me to be, have always been not enough to meet their expectations of me” and “i’ve always been so worthless in everyone’s eyes, no one’s ever expected anything of me”

(tsuna and reborn’s dynamic is “no one’s ever put faith in what i can become, in what i can be right now, and in me in spite of my many flaws and shortcomings” and “i’m never going to let anyone inside my heart ever again, and no one will bother trying to get inside anyway being the way i am now”)

do you get it?