yusilai23wonderland

[yusilai23wonderland]

My kinds of love languages.

[yusilai23wonderland]

"Nor could I look away"

I've watched this segment many times and it's still very painful.

I’ve always liked being the one who writes in solitude.

I’ve always kept my wounds — the ones that never stopped bleeding — buried in silence, never shown to anyone.

I’ve always acted like I could at least blend in with my own family, even though I’m sincere, I still end up compromising with a quiet smile.

I tend to be stubborn.

I only do things I find unknown and interesting.

That’s why people envy me — for my freedom, my fearlessness, my conviction.

But those are the parts of me no one really sees.

So of course, I adore Maomao.

She keeps me from feeling how boring it is to be alive.

I admire people like her — people who seem fun just to be around.

But I never try to become her.

Because I’ve long accepted my fate.

Because I decided a long time ago that I wouldn’t cry anymore.

Because I’ve always known:

I’m meant to become the dancing dark witch.

And honestly, I like this version of me.

I focus,

watching myself walk a tightrope in silence, step by step.

Wherever it leads —

I can always make myself laugh.

I’d rather dance to the edge of a cliff

than stand in the middle of the crowd, screaming for help in tears.

To me, the one who laughs last

is the strongest of all.

Because to smile when you’re close to death,

to eat and drink and sway like you’re in a dream,

that’s the kind of person who’s stayed true to their innocent core.

Even if no one ever understands them —

I think, maybe, just maybe,

in this brutal fight to survive,

I can become someone like that.

I didn't expect that one small scene from this animation could reflect so many feelings I've never been able to put into words.

Especially the song created just for her -

I think it already says everything.

Me:

"All the hidden parts of me -

the ones no one ever understood,

the thousand shifting faces -

it's okay.

Truly.

If someone out there could cry because of me,

then your tears are like my own.

You carry a part of me.

So I hope you don't cry anymore.

I'm okay.

And if my existence meant something to you,

then I hope that one day,

you'll be able to smile -

genuinely, joyfully -

because of it."

All those hidden parts of the heart, all the ways we go misunderstood….

I guess I'm okay now, because I have a sister who's kept a part of me alive.

So, if one day you remember that I existed -

I hope it makes you smile.

Truly. From the heart.

This character - and her sister -

they're just a small part of an animated story, maybe not even supporting roles.

And yet, everything they went through felt so much like me.

It was like a single punch, breaking straight through the heart of the person I've fought so hard to become.

At a precise moment, wake me up —

so I can face everything I was supposed to clean up first, all over again.

After all,

I made a quiet vow,

back when the month was still young:

"FACE UP TO"

And now, I know.

I no longer wish to live beneath the soft knives of quiet suffering. I refuse to let that relentless slicing gnaw at me from the inside. I don’t want to be tormented by that kind of slow, painful slicing.

No more. No more.

Let me meet the pain with open eyes.

[yusilai23wonderland]

I didn't expect that one small scene from this animation could reflect so many feelings I've never been able to put into words.

Especially the song created just for her -

I think it already says everything.

Me:

"All the hidden parts of me -

the ones no one ever understood,

the thousand shifting faces -

it's okay.

Truly.

If someone out there could cry because of me,

then your tears are like my own.

You carry a part of me.

So I hope you don't cry anymore.

I'm okay.

And if my existence meant something to you,

then I hope that one day,

you'll be able to smile -

genuinely, joyfully -

because of it."

All those hidden parts of the heart, all the ways we go misunderstood….

I guess I'm okay now, because I have a sister who's kept a part of me alive.

So, if one day you remember that I existed -

I hope it makes you smile.

Truly. From the heart.

This character - and her sister -

they're just a small part of an animated story, maybe not even supporting roles.

And yet, everything they went through felt so much like me.

It was like a single punch, breaking straight through the heart of the person I've fought so hard to become.

At a precise moment, wake me up —

so I can face everything I was supposed to clean up first, all over again.

After all,

I made a quiet vow,

back when the month was still young:

"FACE UP TO"

And now, I know.

I no longer wish to live beneath the soft knives of quiet suffering. I refuse to let that relentless slicing gnaw at me from the inside. I don’t want to be tormented by that kind of slow, painful slicing.

No more. No more.

Let me meet the pain with open eyes.

[yusilai23wonderland]

I usually drawing like this and it makes me feel better.

Even though the image in my mind was coming from traumas.

[yusilai23wonderland]

To be honest, I realized I don’t have any real talent when I was younger.

At best, it’s just my personality and my circumstances —

they pushed me to become a self-taught performer and storyteller.

But when other children were playing,

I was three years old, holding a pen and drawing — simply because I wanted to.

Just like how I was born physically weak,

and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t succeed in sports —

but I trained myself to run, to change my own body.

I started learning different forms of dance at age five,

even though I was tone-deaf and didn’t learn to hear rhythm until I was ten.

It didn’t matter how much people laughed at me or looked down on me.

Just the simple points:

I can.

I like.

I truly can do it.

Just like

when I was eleven, and one day,

I simply started writing novels.

After years of practice,

now I can

write the way I want,

dance the way I want,

paint the way I want.

I wasn’t born gifted —

but I’ve long had something no one else can imitate:

my own style.

[yusilai23wonderland]

2023.07.28/2025.03.17

What is LOVE?

I don’t know.

But,

I love my natural instinct for intuitive cutting and trimming.

[yusilai23wonderland]

This painting maybe seems like nothing to anyone else?

Briefly, I like it. I think it’s 70 points for me.

If I want to take my stuff to the outside,

I can only bring things that I’ve touched — not just physically, but emotionally.

Repeat again and again.

Through my work.

To connect would.

[yusilai23wonderland]

I knew I always talk about the same thing.

Maybe,

for me,

I guess,

it’s the most important thing for my life —

if I really wanted to survive,

to be alive,

to becoming a Human Being.

For a long time, I was in pain simply because I didn’t like being alive.

And by the time I realized how hard I had been trying just to survive, it already felt too late.

But lately… I’ve started to feel — maybe, just maybe — I’m ready to be seen.

So I’ve made a decision.

In this brutal era, in this difficult time, this year, I’m starting the engine.

To develop myself, on my own terms.

To begin slowly organizing the body of work I’ve accumulated, and organizing everything I’ve created —

my entire archive of self-expression.

twenty-five years of self-creation.

If any of these works meet my own standard — even just barely —

then I’ll start, one by one by one,

I will let them be seen.

unveiling them in different forms,

starting from the oldest —

I mean, or, from the oldest to the newest, in different forms.

It’s sounds like sameness,

but it’s totally different for me, and I don’t like to explain things that others don’t understand what I am talking about —

one of the reasons why I want to develop myself by myself now.

Because for someone like me,

the only way to first step outside and meet the world

is through my work.

I think

This is the unique way someone like me knows how to step outside.

Repeat again.

Through my work.

To make contact.

To reach the human world.

And only then — "Hurry Slowly" —

perhaps,

can I begin to build my world —

inside this one.

can I begin to build my own world —

within the reality of human society.

[yusilai23wonderland]

I didn’t like being alive — it was too painful.

The emptiness I lacked couldn’t be filled, no matter what.

And I realized too late that since the age of two, I had been doing everything I could just to survive.

I became contradictory, silent, extreme.

I love to play, I adore the unknown, I find humans fascinating —

and yet I constantly see the dullness in humanity.

I don’t understand, nor am I good at, nor do I want to use the social tools of pretending.

So I kept digging inward.

And in doing so, I became a woman of a thousand unresolved faces —

too much, too deep, too fractured.

Eventually, I turned into a hermit who no longer knows how to connect with humans.

But ever since I learned how to feel anger,

it’s like I can finally start letting others see me.