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Meaning Behind the Words: What Do Japanese People Really Mean?!

Mariko said “Yes, let’s meet up next time.” with a smile on her face.

One month, two months, three months passed and nothing happened.

I texted her again and she says “Yes, let’s do it next time. I will let you know when I am free!” with a smiley again.

And nothing happened....

This kind of communication is common in Japan.

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How Do Japanese People Make Friends?

Making friends in a new country can be tricky. Especially with Japanese people, there seem to be a huge line between being acquaintance and being real friends. 

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Your Culture Decides What You See?

Have you been in a situation that your foreign friends seemed to see there was something wrong with you, but you cannot quite understand what it is? 

Maybe this is because people from different cultures are using different languages, not only the audible one but also inaudible one. People communicate through what’s not said or written that is strongly tied with their cultural habits, and different groups of people might even be seeing completely different pictures in the same situation. 

1. Holistic cognition vs Analytic cognition

2. High context vs low context

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My Story 3

After I came back to Japan from three years in the US,

I had so-called “reverse culture-shock”, and fell into a depressive mood for three months. 

Every person I saw at the airport, station and on the street looked at me with cold eyes, but when I asked them for help they wouldn’t make eye contact with me, just doing their job in most efficient ways. Everyone seemed to hurry somewhere and didn’t make casual interactions with other people. People seemed to be very serious and no fun. To me, they looked like robots. 

It was surprising how Japanese people were ignorant and had immature morality. It’s a “men first” culture. Working as a waitress, people treated me like a lower being but such behaviors were totally accepted by men and women. People seemed to act like they were forever in puberty. With their huge insecurities and egos, people seemed to only care about their appearance superficially, looking around nervously and touching their bangs all the time. People cared nothing about the environment, buying plastic bottles and throwing on the street. The Japanese TV shows were the worst; they showed foreigners like some animals, women were for just being stupid and cute. Even worse, I could not discuss how ridiculous it was with other people, because no one cared. 

I wanted to get out of Japan so badly.

I might have been oversensitive after shifting my environment dramatically, but I really wanted to go back to Seattle, where people were openminded, honest and socially aware of important things.

While rejecting Japanese people and culture, I was eager to cling to my “American” part of identity. I wanted to use English, I didn’t want to merge into a typical Japanese lifestyle, I wanted to watch American shows and movies, I made and ate only western food. I thought I was loosing myself otherwise. I kept missing how things were in Seattle.  I could not sleep well, felt tired and anxious all the time.  I was lonely, negative and worried about my future wondering if I had to stay in Japan forever. 

But I knew I was going nowhere with this attitude. I wished to be okay and at peace wherever I was in the world. Because where I live should not matter as long as I know who I am. I wanted to be stronger.  

Eventually, the time solved the “returning back to Japan blues”.

It took me about three months until I started feeling okay. The big reason I got better was that I set a goal in Japan; to go to one of the best universities and study psychology. I studied for entering the school every day and was excited about my new opportunities ahead. I also tried to meet many and different kinds of people through Meetup events and such, so I got to know that there were many open-minded Japanese people. I was also lucky that I lived with my family and I could take my time to process the emptiness in a protected environment with lots of time. 

After a half year coming back to Japan, I traveled to the US to get my stuff since I was going to stay in Japan for a while. When I went back to Seattle, I felt something different.

I saw myself who was not as excited as I was before.

Everything looked the same as when I left there, but things did not excite me anymore. They seemed to be left still in the time. The pizza, the weed, partying and the smell of rain, they felt nostalgic but I didn’t feel I wanted to come back there and do it again. I finally moved on.

I think it’s inevitable for one to have a reverse cultural shock, but it never lasts forever. Time certainly can help you to balance out who you are again. Now I sometime miss some things in the US but never feel like I want to go back to live there. It doesn’t mean that I like Japan completely, I have many complaints and critical views about Japanese people, culture, government and a lot of things. 

However, one reason I am happy to stay is that I am doing something here. 

I could just be a nomad or hippie or whatever traveling and never settle anywhere, doing translation or some convenient job. But I thought if I stayed here, I could create something more meaningful, give some values to society. It might not have to be Japan where I do, but for now, it is the most efficient place I could be working at. I am Japanese, know the Japanese language, how to work with people here better. I am determined to create some values to people around me even if it’s very small.

Thanks for reading my story.  What is your story? 

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One can choose to go back toward safety or forward toward growth. Growth must be chosen again and again; fear must be overcome again and again.

Abraham Maslow

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The good life is a process, not a state of being. It is a direction not a destination.

Carl Rogers

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My Story 2

After arrived in the US, the mere begging of 3 years journey, everything was exciting and fun.

In the first weeks, even taking a bus to school was an adventure. Shopping, food, and festivals, all the trivial things were new for me and looked better than the ones I had seen in Japan.

However, after a few months, I started feeling uneasy, due to my incompatibility to describe what I really wanted to say in English. Most of the time, the conversation in English didn’t last long, left a little awkward moment. I just kept going with my bitter smile saying “Yea...haha” when I had no clue of what the other person said. 

So I started studying English seriously. In 6 months I was able to express myself at most of the casual occasions. My friend circle was mainly made of international students, and we had fun gathering at houses and going out. 

But then again hits the wall.

I became okay at English after a one-year English course and started taking college credits. I started going to parties or gathering where American people were.

Only then I began to hear and understand something I couldn’t before; how American people looked at me and treated me. They made fun of my English accent at parties many times, and they clearly did not include me and other international students in their circles. I was called yellow, made fun of my clothing, treated badly on my face. I started feeling self-conscious everywhere. By the time, my shining, gorgeous America was gone. Gradually I realized there were many social issues not only racism but economic inequality, homelessness, drugs and so on.  I felt America was full of hate, discrimination, and aggression.

Staying in other countries when you are in the adolescence period (17~25 yo), you have a problem of your own identity crisis on top of adapting problems. You are trying to find out who you are while staying in the culture away from home. It is like you have a map you can’t understand and also your compass is crocked. There are too many stimuli to process, too many options to stick with one. I started thinking that no country is perfect. Everywhere you go, you cannot find a perfect oasis that everything is in desirable condition. 

On top of that,  I had my personal relationship issues growing underneath.

At one time, I was completely lost. 

I had a drinking problem since I was seventeen and it worsened this time. I was insecure, couldn’t trust people and kept hurting them. I was ambivalent and treated people badly when I should’ve appreciated them. Now I look back and think I was close to being bipolar disorder. Binge drinking, smoking, being promiscuous, and manipulating other people’s emotions especially those who were close to me. My own emotions were too intense, and I was dragging others into my darkness. I knew I was doing the wrong thing. Every time I mistreated other people, it hurt me deep inside like dark smoke was filling my stomach. But I couldn’t help it. I was totally a slave of my emotions. 

But one day, I met my friend and changed 180 degrees of my life.

He saw that I was suffering and stuck, so he approached me to talk to me about life and the universe for hours. I can’t remember what exactly he said. 

But he basically told me how the universe worked based on the same ethical principle and law of nature. We discussed how all religions have similar principles, and the unknown force caused the big bang. The universe, nature, religions, people: we are all based upon the same law of the world, and we should not act against them. It’s like there is an invisible code within each of us; human, animal, plant, air, and the code is telling us to follow the basic principle of growing and being in order. Because everything works on the same principle, all the things exist in the world interplay and synchronize each other. Nature is within us, and also we are in nature. Like we are parts of the same organism. 

 That day I could not process what I heard, but certainly left me a big impact. And one thing he said I clearly remembered was 

 “Do only what feels right for you.”

It was so simple, but I hit me deeply. 

The next day, I walked outside of my house, a miracle happened.

Everything looked so alive.

I know this sounds fishy, but it was so dramatic that I can never forget. The sky, flowers on the street, people, they looked so alive. Do you know the one scene from the movie Amelie, where she finds the old box in her apartment and she sees the outside world in perfect harmony for the first time? It was exactly like that for me. I was smiling, filled with joy and peacefulness, almost skipping down the street of capitol hill. 

All the things in the world work on the principle and meant to harmonize with each other. It means we also have the instinct leading us towards the deep truth of the world. We all have the instinct when we were born, but you might have learned to conceal your true feelings in the path of life, to have doubts and mistrust, and to numb your instinct. When you make any word or action, your mind can unconsciously tell you to do the wrong thing, because of your insecurities and fear. However, your heart always knows the right answer. 

That’s what it means to 

“Do only what feels right for you.”

It’s very simple, isn’t it?

Based on the same principle of the world becoming an organism, all the things resonate and affect each other. I finally had an awareness that all the things I do affect others and the world around me. Like the ripple caused by a drop. Before then, I was not aware of the consequences of my actions. 

I would think it was my enlightenment. I had the biggest transition of my life then. I started making the right choice, and I was aware of the consequence of my action at every moment. 

I started doing only the things felt right for me, I would ask myself what feels right, and followed my feeling. Naturally, I started eating healthy, doing exercise, studying seriously, and being honest with other people. I was aware of what I was doing at each moment, and I changed my words and actions. I started realizing that I existed because of other people, my parents, and my boss, teachers and so on. I even embraced others’ mistakes, because the others also had reasons, and everything was meant to happen to teach me something. 

All the changes happened one after another. I also felt regret and ashamed of what I had done before; however, I was looking forward to what was coming. I was happy to finally owning my life. I was sure that this could not be undone. 

Of course, I didn’t become flawless suddenly. I still had insecurity and anxiety from time to time, but the difference was that I was aware of where it was coming from, and I was responsible for the consequences. I was not impulsively taking actions controlled by my emotions, but instead, I stopped and looked at what was causing them. I talked to my partner what it was going on with me, and I admitted that the darkness was coming from myself. I am still not perfect and have been trying to change my weakness. It’s a life long journey digging inside of your emotions and try to unleash them.

I came back from the states with this big change. My mind was so connected to the world. 

However, coming back from the states to Japan was never easy.

Continue to My Story 3

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My Story 1

I will share my personal story here.

I think one consistent thing about my life is that I never stayed the same.

I kept changing who I was, my personality, and my values. 

Whether conscious or unconscious, I had transformed many times from one personality to another. There were some definitive events in my life which gave me strong impacts, and they motivated me to become a certain type of person for better or for worse. 

As long as I can remember, I was a shy kid when I was little.

I was the kid who knew the answers to most of the questions at school but couldn’t say them loud because I was afraid of making a mistake and how people would look at me. I was oversensitive to a lot of things. I was scared of teachers scolding to other kids and felt the pressure of having to follow the strict rules at school. Even though I liked learning very much, I could not be myself there. 

However, one friend in 3rd grade changed my personality to become extroverted, confident and a loud mouth. She was very sociable and had a good sense of humor. I spent a lot of time with her laughing and playing, making friends with teachers. In the end, I was the chairperson of the student council, beating other kids in debates in haughty manners. 

Since I had good grades in elementary school, I started middle school given the role of classroom leader. Although I was not responsible nor studying hard, I kept high marks in the first grade without really trying. On top of that, I joined the tennis club and became the leader of the team. 

However, as I entered the 8th grade, I started becoming rebellious along with other kids. Many things the teachers and tennis coach made me do did not make sense to me. I started not taking things seriously, my grades started declining; eventually, I quit the tennis team. 

One definitive moment in my life happened one day when I went home and showed the grade book to my mother. I thought it was no big deal since I was like “f study”. But my mother’s reaction was surprising. She started being furious, started crying asking what’s wrong with me. Like many other parents in Japan, my mother valued school grades, which I was not aware of. It was my first time seeing her so mad and disappointed in me. I was devastated by her reaction, and asked 

“Have you liked me only because I had good grades?“

Then she answered

“Maybe so.“

This conversation dropped me into the bottom of darkness.

I was deeply hurt by the fact that all this time my mother loved me only because of my grades, not who I really was. I started ignoring my mother. I didn’t want any attention from my family, I made boyfriend and stayed out for most of the days. I was slacking off, stopped taking things seriously, and I was only looking for fun away from home. This kind of change is common for many teenagers but my change was so dramatic from being one of the best students to the bad one. I remember the math teacher telling me “You could have gone to the best high school if you tried” (In Japan, we have an entrance exam for entering high school and universities). It sure looked like I wasted all my potentials to become successful for my laziness. 

After finishing middle school, I entered an average level high school which I chose carelessly. 

It was my greatest mistake and nightmare in my life. 

It was THE most traditional Japanese school. They valued discipline over everything, their way of education was controlling. They had no interest or respect for personal differences and students’ potential. Teachers themselves worked in strong seniority hierarchical system, which made the seniors very arrogant and ignorant. 

For example, they made us have the same black hairstyle, make lines like an army, do stupid dance exercise in PE classes, and the teachers were always yelling at students if we couldn’t do it perfectly. Students had no chance for discussion or presentation in classes. The class was only oriented by teachers reading out of a boring textbook for an hour. The teachers had no respect for students, they treated us like animals. Even writing this now and remembering it makes me tremble. It was a traumatizing time. 

It was sucking my soul every day. 

Since I was brought up in a permissible and free environment, I could not stand it. I had conflicts with the teachers every day and never agreed in anything they would want to make me do. Another reason it was so difficult was that other students and teachers were silent. They had complaints and talked behind the scenes, but were never trying to stand up and say something to change. I was lonely and disappointed with everyone. I thought of quitting, but it was not a good idea to drop out of high school, so I attended as less as possible to graduate. 

Even though I suffered the hell of three years in high school, I do not completely regret my choice to come to the wrong school, because it gave me an awareness which led me to go abroad. 

Because of the ridiculous environment, I always had to ask myself “Why are these unreasonable adults becoming teachers?” “Why are people with such wrong values allowed to be so arrogant and to control us?” “Why do other people never say anything?”. I also discussed this with other adults in my part-time jobs. I finally came to the conclusion that

Not only this school but the whole Japanese society is ruled by this hierarchy and inefficiency.

Anyone passes exams can be a teacher, and the seniority-based salary system rots the education quality. Workplaces are ruled by inefficient habits and rules, and innovation is repelled by seniors’ conservativeness. I also hated the idea of going to a university to party, not learning, which a lot of Japanese teens dream about. That time, I thought everything was wrong in Japan. 

So I decided to go abroad. 

By leaving the country, I thought I could see the whole picture of Japan; both bad sides and good sides critically. I felt that my view of the world was too limited and little. 

I left for Seattle, Washington, USA. I still remembered the excitement I had on the plane. I could not wait to see the world of freedom, crazy people, English speaking people, and overwhelming culture. I was so ready to absorb everything. 

Continue to My Story 2

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Are Japanese Collectivists or Individualists?

If you have spent decent time with Japanese people, you might have had the moment to think

“Japanese people mind other people’s businesses too much!“

In Japan, people value harmony with others in their first priority. People avoid making conflicts or competing with other members. They make group-oriented goals rather than personal goals. These are the cultural characteristic of the Japanese people. So I’d like to discuss what are the perspectives we can compare Japanese people and people from other cultures, to point out what are the unique aspects of Japanese people? 

Cultural psychologists have made many measures to compare different groups of people, by comparative studies in multiple cultures. Japan seems to be one of the most compared, described country as it has very unique values and behavior. Today, I’d like to introduce the basic theories and my opinion of how modernization is influencing those values. 

1. Collectivistic society vs individualistic society

2. Interdependence self vs independent self

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About this Blog and Author

Hi, I am Yuta, the writer of this blog.

I’d like to introduce what this blog is about, and who I am. 

Have you ever wondered

Why are Japanese people so polite?

Why is it difficult to make real friends in Japan?

What kind of values make Japanese people so Japanese?

How can I keep myself happy while adapting to a totally different culture like Japanese?

Then, this blog is for you.

More precisely, this blog is made for sharing knowledge about cultural psychology and mental health topics in Japan, to understand the country and its people easier.

Not only that, I will focus more on the side of how to keep your mental health in acculturative contexts.

Sometime, living in a different country where you become the minority could be very difficult. Especially if the country has a very different culture than the one you grew up with, it can cause a lot of stress and struggles.

But maybe, learning the reasons why people behave in a certain way can help you to embrace the difference, and realize the ways to adapt it.

For that, I will share my psychological knowledge and experiences of living in Japan and overseas, pointing out what makes Japanese culture and people so unique.

About myself,

I am a psychology major master student living in Nagoya, Japan.

I grew up in Japan, studied in the US after high school for three years, where I had awareness of cultural difference in people’s minds, and I had struggled to adapt myself where I suddenly became a minority.

Now I resettled in Japan as a student, learning all different kinds of psychology. Currently, as a master student, I also practice counseling for adults and play therapy for children.  

My main interests are; mental health and education of migrants, developmental disabilities (i.e., Autism and ADHD) among foreign children, and mental health service in global contexts. Basically all kinds of cultural psychology.

I made this blog for two reasons.

For one, I thought  I could use my knowledge for helping people who are struggling to adapt in Japan.

For two, I’d like to hear stories of other people regarding life in Japan and discuss Japanese culture and people. By this, hope we can find a creative solution or just simply meet peers who are curious and like to share personal stories.

The discussion starts from now.

What kind of cultural aspects are you interested in?

Please do not hesitate to ask questions or leave comments!

Thanks for reading.