yxyolax

[yxyolax]

Why can’t I be strong enough? I have to, my friends need me, right? They need me too, right? Haven’t I tried enough? What else can I do? What if everything I attempt is just… not enough? What if it does the opposite? Can I try harder? I just need someone to need me. Or else I can’t live. Or else I can’t get distracted from my own problems. I need someone to lean on me, to need me, but how can I make them want me? How can I make them need me?

Even if I try to be more present in their life, I’d just get ignored, right? Was I just too much? Why do I have to be dependent on my friends too much? And they don’t need me as much as I need them.

If I leave, will they be fine? They’ll be alright, won’t they? So, it’s okay for me to leave? Right?

If I’m gone.

I’m being a bad friend again, aren’t I? Keep trying to find a reason to leave. It’s frustrating. I don’t know what to do. It’s killing me.

No one wants me

No one needs me

Even if I try harder

It won’t be enough, right?

I just want to stay still and disappear. And it makes me regret ever knowing them because at the end of the day I’m just gonna be a disappointment again, aren’t I? At the end of the day, I’m just gonna be all insecure like this again and then trying to find a reason to leave. Shouldn’t have made any friends in the first place. I’m just gonna be a bad friend anyway.

Why can’t I stop thinking that everyone hates me? I’m not that important for someone to have that kind of strong feelings about me lol. What was I thinking? So fucking ridiculous. They just simply don’t care because they have their own lives and things to do. I should just slowly disappear.

[yxyolax]

Burn out shouldn’t take this long… am I just gotten lazy? Maybe. It’s saddening seeing my mum exhausted doing everything for this household and I just lock myself in my room all day feeling sorry for myself. I should get my shit together and suck it up. Starting tomorrow, please, don’t make another excuse.

[yxyolax]

I just want to be loved in the right way. But my past relationships only made me believe that men are only after my body and one thing only. It fucking hurts to think that I’m hard to love and adore. That I would never be enough to be loved. Been wanting to end everything, but after experiencing loss, I can’t. Don’t want my friends to go to the same pain.

[yxyolax]

Log: 11-08-2023

Time heals...

but, sometimes your injury is a bit bigger than just a cut. Perhaps you got injured while playing basketball, you broke your ankle, and since then you can never walk the same way again, even after it healed, you'd walk with a slight limp. Or when you fell and damaged your knee, and since then whenever you kneeled at Church your knee would sore even just after a few minutes. Your injuries are healed, but but the traces of its existence are still there, following along your journey.

And, not just for physical injuries, mental injuries does that too. When your mental wounds a bit bigger, when it does heal the trace of the wounds would still be there.

It has been 300 days since September 2022 ended. I'm healed, right? It had been that long. But, it still hurt sometimes. Still thinks that I could do something before it was too late, I should've been more attentive and sensitive, I should've check on her more before I regret it. But, here I am. 300 days since she's gone, still doing nothing significant in my life. Still am a loser. But, feeling sorry towards myself won't change anything. Just sit here and cry about something that's in the past won't make things better. I can't keep mourning her like this, she's gone. So, I just try my best to be there for the others who are still here with me, so that I won't lose someone again.

It's going to sound ridiculous to say this, but I understand why Miguel O'Hara tried his best to stop Miles Morales from saving his father. O'Hara experienced a great loss. He witnessed the destruction of one universe and he tried his hardest to make sure that it will never happen again. Not on his watch(or gizmo? lol). He doesn't want to take a risk to let Morales save his father. He wanted to make sure that everything will happen according to the fate that was written, exactly like how it supposed to.

Hey, maybe her death is also a canon event? So, there's also nothing that I could possibly do to stop it. It's fate. Terrible fate, but, it is fate. Maybe it supposed to happen. You know what? I think Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse helps me feel better fortuitously.

[yxyolax]

I fucking loathe you, O-H. I hope you go to hell!

Two months ago, I met this guy from my discord server. He actually has been in my server for awhile, but I never really paying attention to whoever joined my server unless it’s a girl, so I didn’t actually know this guy until two months ago. But, since one of my girl-friends has played video games with him, so I thought it would be okay for me to get to know him. Plus, my friend said that he’s fine and kinda fun too. But what I didn’t realize is that he actually liked me or at least interested in me.

I was just trying to be polite and friendly towards him, but I guess he thought it was his chance to get to know me romantically. I didn’t notice his intentions at first, but he started to text me everyday and even double text me when I didn’t reply. And I was so stupid and thought it would be impolite to not respond to him. And when I realized, I told him that I’m not interested or ready to be in a relationship like that, and at that time he said it was fine. he said he like me but don’t want to force anything. But, somehow he’d still flirt with me or acting as if we’re dating. Even after I told him I’m not interested multiple times, he still insisted to be close romantically. I tried crying, being cold, I even tried telling him about my trauma about my friend’s death, but he kept on insisting that he love me that he would help me overcome my trauma. ewwhhh

I didn’t want to be rude, but I just want to get him out of my hair. I even tried rejecting him via text and face-to-face, but he’d just cry like a fucking loser. He cried in my house in front of my family which made things very awkward. I’m not trying to shame a man for crying, but, really? you’re going to cry like I didn’t tell you that I wasn’t ready for relationship and not interested for like a million times? In my opinion, he crossed my boundaries, so seeing him crying just because I reject him just make me want to throw hands. He frustrated me. But, once again I was so dense that I still try to comfort him at that time, I hug him, which I regret now.

After that, he’s being delusional thinking that I love him too. He started to be lovey dovey towards me like we’re dating or something, ignoring the fact that I rejected him multiple times, calling me with pet names, kept on showing up to my house almost everyday.

he did this since the beginning, coming to my house almost everyday even though he knew I had to work (I work remotely from home), and he’d leave very late like 10pm-11am, and even after spending the entire day with me, he insisted to talk to me on the phone after he arrived at his house. He completely invaded my personal time which pisses me off but unfortunately I was so stupid and think that it would be rude to reject his calls. Thinking about it now just makes me want to punch myself.

I wasn’t able to get rid of him until one day, I just had enough and this time I decided I can’t be nice to him anymore. I strictly reject him and forbid him to come to my house. I’d reject his calls, only replied to his text whenever I feel like it. I’m done being polite. I’m done being a people pleaser. I thought it would put a stop on him, but boy was I so wrong.

He started acting out. He kept on texting me about how depressed he is now that I won’t respond to him, about he don’t want me to see other guy, about how much he love me.

and the worst part, he would update me daily about his days. How he doesn’t want to go home, speeding while driving just because he’s sad, driving carelessly, about how he wanted to die. At some point I was already too fed up that I don’t want to respond anymore, he sent me a picture of his arm, full of his self-injured wound. What. The. Actual. Fuck.

He knew about my friend’s death. He knew that it would get a respond from me. What kind of a sick freak would send someone something like that when he knew it was traumatizing.

I was so fed up, I’d just ignore him, until one day, his dense brain think that it was a great idea to come to my house unannounced. I HAVE TO HOLD MYSELF FROM ACTUALLY THROW MY HANDS. The audacity. I didn’t want to talk to him, so I hid in my parents room for 2 hours (I was actually attending an online course atm). And when I went downstairs, he was still there. Like bro, take the fucking hint, will ya?

My mother, unfortunately, insisted that I have to talk to him, so I did. All he did was begging me to go back to how things are between us, AS IF. I just listened to him, but when he started crying, I got so fed up and just went inside and slam the door on him. I guess my clueless parents went to talk to him after that. Not long after, he left.

I thought it was finally over, but no.

He started bombarding my phone with his text begging to be love again, bruhhhh… as if I ever love him. I felt like enough is enough, he ruined my healing process and traumatized me even more, so I blocked him. But, guess what I got? he text me on different platforms threatened me saying;

“Okay, if you want to block me. I also can unalive myself in front of your house.”

Imagine saying that to someone who just lost her close friend to suicide. YUCKS.

that’s just on how much I hate this guy named Omar Helmy, who think that he’s entitled for my love just because he wants it. Honestly, dude, grow the fuck up!

For you, I want to offer the biggest FUCK YOU, BITCH FACE LOSER!🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻

[yxyolax]

Valentine shenanigans

I thought it would be nice to give some updates of my life to my page where no one would find and read it. Haha!

As what I deduced a month ago, his regret and his confession means nothing but an attempt to get into my pants. And he did get into my pants. After all, I was sexually attracted to him all along. He started to hit the gym and sometimes I found it kinda hot. Even at times he would still kinda forcing his way to me and kept making me take that stupid contraceptive pill which ruined my hormones (thank you, asshat). I am proud to announce that he has found himself another girl to date, after leaving me stressed out from the pills side effects. It really show me how he really are. Acted as if he cares but it was as clear as day that he doesn’t. Well, I don’t care much beside how unfair I felt about it. I feel like a doormat, where he can rub off his dirty shoes before entering the house. And of course, the house being his new little birdy. Seeing how badly he treat me at the end after harassing me when I already dating someone, love-bombing me just because he need a little validation he couldn’t get from his family. To be frank, I almost pity that little man. Poor lad thinking he could get away after what he did to me.

He was nice to me at times, but, what he did overshadow all of the small gifts he gave to me. Not to sound ungrateful, it just that he stomp on my heart over and over again like I have no value or what so ever to him after I gave him my body and trust. Him getting new girl to love actually kind of make me glad that I can finally be free from him. Even after how much he hurt me, actually I kind of want to thank him for everything he gave me, really. I just, I wish I never met him.

Enough about that little disappointment I used to call my dear. Valentine’s day was meh. I did have an ice cream date with Ruben on the evening. We kind of chatted about work environment and stuffs. I also gave him chocolate just to be cheesy and all. Not a big deal. UNTILL! He went home and our conversation continue on text. We were talking about hook up culture in his office bla bla bla., and out of nowhere, he told me that IF I ever give him some kind of sex offering, he would not decline it. Meaning what? All these time we spent our time together as friends, did he actually think of me as a potential fuck buddy? Not that he’s ugly or anything. But, even his phone still have his girlfriend’s picture as a wallpaper. And he indicating that he and I should hook up and have sex? If we were both single, maybe. But….. his statement kind of change my view about him and myself a little bit. Well, I’m not surprised that he could be attracted to me that way, I mean, if I wasn’t myself, I would definitely want to fuck me too, you know.

And that’s not all. If last week someone told me that me and Neiro are going to have a plan to fuck each other while racking our brain playing chess, I would never believe them. But, now, considering that I possibly have an oddly smart fuck buddy waiting for me in another country. God, I don’t know since when but just by thinking about playing chess makes my heart pounds and my cheeks red. All I want to do is to fuck the shit out of his nerdy ass. And how he kept saying how he want to do it in fitting room, disable lavatory, just to imagine me and him having sex in that kind of places makes myself overly excited. But God has to put us in reduced circumstances that we live too far away from each other, and how it won’t be possible for us to meet any time soon. I want to cry because I just want him lift both my legs on his shoulder and fuck me like a little bitch I am.

I don’t know why these two kinda hinting to wanting to fuck me AT THE SAME DAY. But honestly, without much consideration, I know that I am much more heated for Neiro. He’s so smart and odd it makes him sexy. Even just playing online chess while listening to his voice explaining how chess works makes my pants soaked. I really really wish we can meet as soon as possible. I just want to have a lot of sex with him.

[yxyolax]

I enjoy being in solitude as loneliness has become very frequent for me. It is better to be alone at night, though, since there would be no noise coming from the outside, it’s so peaceful it’s almost like I was already 6 ft underneath. And, by the way, the plan is off. I supposed it would gain too much unwanted attention on me if I actually did kill myself, and people would talk as if they knew me when I’m still alive, it’s irritating. But, since then, I don’t think I ever feel like living. As if I’m already dead inside. I just feel numb as days passes. The one who begged me not to do it doesn’t seem to care about me anymore, I feel like the effort I made to not make him get sad over my twisted-neck soul-less body don’t matter, as he already forgotten how much he want me to be alive still.

At the end, his confession is nothing but a meaningless words in attempt to get my attention back to only himself. A desperate attempt he made when he felt lonely once, and now that he has everyone accompanying him, he doesn’t need me anymore. I am far from surprised by this premise, and I won’t let this situation distraught me like how it did before. Even if I’m in pain in this solitude I claim to enjoy a lot, I won’t tell anyone what I thought of in the dark. Let me be alone and crumbles into nothingness in the meantime. Even if this would make me unhappy, it doesn’t even matter how hard I try, I would never had the courage to be in someone else life and let myself be vulnerable. I will not open my mind to someone else even if I have ropes clinging around my neck or a blade pointing strong to my chest. If I’m willing to die, I will not tell a single soul for them to try to stop me and just forget about me the second I put down the blade.

[yxyolax]

Rant 20-11-2022

I don’t know how to express my feelings. It hurts. I’m so stupid thinking that I’m special when I never been special at all. No one cares if I’m gone, so maybe the plan is back on. I probably need to prepare for everything. Ropes, my will letter, maybe I have to book a hotel room to do it because I don’t want to do it in my room, someone could hear me and prevent me from doing it. Maybe a cheap hotel. I hope it won’t affect their rating or making it a haunted room tho haha. After all, I won’t be the first person to die in a hotel room so it probably will be fine.

I’m sure everyone will get over my death sooner or later, so nothing to worry about. After all, I’m irrelevant, replaceable, and insignificant. People forget about me that easily so it probably won’t be a problem. We could just hide the fact that I killed myself, let’s just tell everyone that I was sick or there’s an accident. I’m sure they’ll be fine as long as the truth remain hidden from them.

[yxyolax]

Oopsie

I was planning on killing myself on my upcoming birthday. But I think, I’m not going to actually do that now. I was searching for a good and firm tie knot, rope, bridges, cheap hotel rooms, and all the stuff I might need to actually commit to the act. But then Ardel’s face came to my mind and I couldn’t help but to think how it’s gonna affect her. How hard it would be for Muji to try to cheer her up while also trying to cheer herself up. How it would crush Agmel’s soul seeing her bestfriend who she tried so hard to take care of. How it would make Bella cry more everyday more than her daily crying schedule now haha.

Thinking how hard it was for me to handle Maria’s death. How painful it was for me to go through that, and I just couldn’t bear to do the same to them. How sad Maria’s mum in that picture Debora sent me, imagining my own mother to go through the same thing and breaking her heart. I couldn’t bear to think that I would steal all of their smile and their happiness if I really do that. I don’t have the heart to make them go through all of that. Maybe I meant to suffer but it doesn’t mean they have to, right?

[yxyolax]

Awareness month irony

It was Wednesday morning on the end of September. I woke up in a hotel room I shared with Erick, my brother. As per usual, I would start my day laying in bed scrolling through my phone, just checking up on my social media. Just watching my moots stories, skipping through moments that others shared on their social. I didn’t think much of it because it’s a mindless routine I did as someone who has nothing better to do. It was when I saw her series of stories. It was a blank black picture with paragraphs that she wrote with anger and pain. Concerned, I read through all of her stories and I concluded what I just read. She got cheated on.

I could sense that she must have been in a bad condition. She must have been sad, angry, disappointed, ashamed, and terribly upset. It wasn’t the first time she had a problem with her boyfriend, Daniel. Their relationship has been an on and off for as long as I remember. I don’t really like how it was with their relationship, but then again, I don’t want to interfere with someone else’s private matters. But I remember hoping that they would break up for good that time. Relationship like that no doubt is toxic for the two of them, right?

That was when I decided to reply one of her stories. Just trying to check on her. She said she was done with him. I advised her to dump him and just put her on the market again. Heck, she was pretty, tall, sweet, and I’m sure a lot of guys would want to treat her right. But, she must have been hurt so bad, she wanted to ruin his life too. I actually wanted to know the whole story, I want to listen to her and do what I do best. Roasting on guys who didn’t treat my friends like a queen. But, I wanted to hear more about it in person. So, I remember I already had a plan with my man-roasting-best-friends that Saturday and I thought that it would be a good idea to bring her so we can roast her ex together. She agree. 

It was breakfast time so me, Erick, and Casper went to the cafeteria to fill our stomach with as much food that our stomach could handle. And still, I didn’t think much of it at that time because it wasn’t the first time she had a problem with Daniel. So after we devour our breakfast, we pack our stuff and prepared to go home. It was around noon when we hit the road. On the way home, I made a plan for the next Saturday. I was going to take her to the game center. I thought I must be fun to teach her how to play Valorant and yell our lungs out whenever we got killed. A true stress reliever. And I want to distract her from her feelings, that’s the only thing I know that could distract me whenever I feel sad.

I arrived home soundly, it wasn’t a long journey so we were only on the road for about an hour or so. I was just finished two whole day of training. I was exhausted. I didn’t even bother to have lunch or take a shower when I hit my bed and went straight to the dream land. I woke up when its already dark outside and do what I’d usually do. Which is not much until I went back to sleep again and woke up late the next day.

If it’s not for work, I would’ve never open my Samsung to see the text Debora and Carissa sent. I don’t recall the feeling I had that time. I hoped that it was some kind of a sick joke. I would forgive them if it was just a twisted sick prank they had on me. But, it’s not. At first I was puzzled. That was the only thing occupied my brain for a few days. What happened? She seemed okay the other day. I remember I saw her going out with her friends on her instagram. She was having fun. She was out with a guy and she was all smiley. I heard it was an accident. But, what accident? Did she crashed on the road? Was she driving alone? Where are her friends? 

All I know is, a few day on the end of September was like a constant nightmare I couldn’t wake up from. Every time I close my eyes, I keep praying that I would wake up and it was all just a dream. But I kept waking up to more nightmares. Each time I woke up, something new came, and it felt like my soul tore a bit more than yesterday. One of my biggest fears turned out to be true. And I know it from stranger on the internet. I can’t even cry, I feel numb and I don’t even know how to do to send my condolences. 

The worse part is, I never had the courage to go see her for the last time. I still don’t have it now. I know it’s not my fault, but still I feel guilty for not be able to save her in time. But, time is cruel, I was too late a few days. Just a few days. If I would just come to her house by the time I got home, maybe she would still be here.

[yxyolax]

Rant-16-11-2022

If I could get a dollar every time I cry, then without any doubt I would lie around naked in money and diamonds by now. You could say that I’m a crybaby or a snowflake, I don’t care. I don’t know what to do anymore. I even started to pull my hair or scratching my skin with my eyebrow razor just to feel something. Anything other than this pain I have in my chest, it’s better to feel hurt on my skin and skull rather than in my chest. You could say I’m too overdramatic and I couldn’t agree with you more. I wish I’m not, tho. I wish I could just be normal and calm instead of feeling numb and hurt.

I don’t want to whine all my feeling, or making anyone feel bad for my miserable life, so I tried to play it off like I’m fine. But honestly, I don’t know how much longer I could stay ‘fine’. I wish I could just get over it and move on, I honestly do. But the guilt and sadness keep haunting my night, eating me up slowly in the dark. It gets loud inside when it’s silent outside and it’s killing me. Of course it would stop when I’m occupied with work, but when I lay down in silent every night, they’d come back and gave me another restless night. 

I wish I was there

Of course I know it’s not my fault. But, it’s hard to believe that when all I can think is that I could’ve prevented it if I wasn’t lacking empathy for other people and would just stop whining about my problems like it’s the end of the world. And Heather didn’t help at all. She would just keep reminding me that this is the price I have to pay for being such a bad friend and I don’t deserve to be happy for neglecting her crying for help all this time.

That wasn’t a quick decision to make. It takes time for someone to decide to just end it all once and for all. It didn’t happen in just one night or one thought, it built up since months or years back. And all this time, all I do is just watch and never reaching out to her even when I know she needed help. I kept making excuses, being not stable enough to handle or help her, and it would just gonna be a suicide squad if I did try to help. But now, all I can feel is regret, guilt and this horrible feeling that I can’t even share with anyone but to keep it to myself.

I never want anyone to know how I really feel. I don’t want them to know that I’m miserable so I tried to not tell a single soul. But after a while, I’d reach out to someone when I know I couldn’t take it all alone anymore. But, I started to think that it can’t go on like this anymore. People has their own problem and I can’t just reach out to rant or cry to them whenever I wan’t to kick my bucket myself. It’s not fair for them. And what I can be sure is that this is my own battle that only I can fight myself. Not my friends nor my family. But it started to get harder to handle alone and I just want it to stop.

The pain, the numbness, the voices, the guilt, the crying in the middle of the night, the constant fear of living and the thought of just jump off a bridge whenever I see one. I just want it all to stop. I’m afraid I couldn’t take it anymore, I’m just not strong enough for this battle. I might still be alive but all I can feel is my soul rotting inside my flesh and I don’t have enough left to keep going.

[yxyolax]

First POst

idk why I made a new tumblr account, I need a safe space for me to rant.