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[zacharymartinglassblog]

Room №202 (pt.6)

NOW 

Now i’m in the 11th form, the last one. For good brainy girl who i pretended to be, uni is the next step. I wanna learn physics. As a science (like more in QM) or more into some practical implementations (idiots like me don’t get into F1, i know, but shut up) - i dunno yet. But i still wanna be cool. Some time ago i was struggling to answer the question why not to give up everyhing and just to do painting only as i love it. I mean, ok, go to the art institute, be probably a teacher in an art school (the idea i hate with all my heart), earn somehow, i don’t care it’s not prestigious. But i’m too thrilled with my other things. With my fucking bird flight project. I don’t wanna get other people respect, i don’t care if my parents wouldn’t be able to tell their colleagues how cool my uni is, i mean all this stuff is about to hurt a little bit but i don’t deserve being human if i can’t deal with it. So i want both, i’ll do both, my art and my let’s say physics. And it gives me goosebumps.

But being on top is what matters. Being in the forefront is what matters. In Russia we have several very good universities. To enter a uni u need to pass a few exams, we’ve got some bullshit called union government exams. We’ve got them in all subjects and in the end of the 11th form u choose some of them to take. There’re 100 points(?) maximum. Good unis want like 330+ in 4 exams. It’s really possible to get them but a) some good unis have its inner exams b) there’re a lot of people who’ve gone mad about exams since they were 12. I mean there’s almost nothing wrong with those exams - like of coarse we need some test system - but it’s a true bullshit cos people train the format like crazy. I’m not kidding, they know what each problem (each one has its fixed number) is about, how many true answers out of a list there are and what the guys who check the works consider as simple enough for school programme and what isn’t - that’s how sometimes u should really tick the wrong answer according the simlified version of the world we’re taught. The most of my classmates do so. Fuck them! They’re indifferent about the subject itself, they just want to pass exams, enter a prestigeous uni, have 2 children and fucking die having 4-rooms flats. Sorry, i am about to shut up here, cos even if it’s something wrong with this approach, they’ve got the right to do so.

So, i need physics, prob chem, in depth math and russian, which is obligatory.

Ok, but what am i talking about?! If i’m so clever and don’t approve training format why not to win a competition in say physics and go where i want with no stupid exams? Yeah, i didn’t win anything. I failed (without any pre-preparation) when i was younger and then burst into what i found interesting. My mum is the first person to remind it to me. I’m not to complain here, i would do exactly same things if i’m given choice. I can say i was sort of alive all over the past years even if i couldn’t feel it. But yeah, now i need these exams and the main problem is that the material behind them is terribly boring. I know the Big Picture, but all those details are to be picked up. It’s a lot of boring work but ok.

I forgot to mention education is free if u score a lot of points. Otherwise it’s not free.

But there is a little bit more. Yeah, i want to make my project, i want my family to be happy, i want Lando to win the race but i fucking want to go abroad and study there more. Why? I said that my classmates have the right to want what they want. I want to have my right also. And it’s not fking given to u by default. My parents invested a lot in me, both time and money. And they, considering the fact that i’ve done nothing valuable, have the absolute right to say that my life belongs to them. I love my parents. But i badly want to posses my life. To make my wrong decisions, my wrong choices, go where i want to go and when i want to go without any need to ask or to tell them about it.

I love how the city looks at night. Much more then at daytime. And my mum is sort of mad about this my desire to walk at  night (it’s not really night, it’s from 7 to 9pm), she finds it dangerous, (everything is dangeous in her opinion. she doesn’t feel the moment - it’s the prolem) and even if it is dangerous i may wanna take the risk. And i can’t cos my ‘happy’ life is their responsibility. I don’t have any rights to insist on what i want (and we don’t want similar things, we’re too different), or if i try to do so (and it always ends in a bad way) i very soon start feeling gilty for driving my parents mad after a tough workday. So i don’t really have right to do so.

But i badly want to have this right, to make my life my daily responsibility.

That’s why i need to go abroad.

[zacharymartinglassblog]

Room №202 (pt.5)

Quantum mechanics gave me vibes of a real deal, of something cool, it gave a very good challenge. 

I’ve created my own programme, packed with qm and math for qm and definitely not including what they offered me at school. I visited bio lectures but it was way too mechanical. But it was obligatory. 

In February of 2020 (?) my class’ profs organized a bio conference. Children talked biology. Adults gave advice. They all did something completely boring - who ever cares how many plants of a given species grew on one particular space this year in comparison with last year? Prob everybody but me. I felt so odd in this whole community. It was Sunday (in Russia most schools work 5/7 but we violate Saturday as well so it’s 6/7) - we turned the school week 7/7 (and i definitely didn’t want to see my classmates for 13 days with no brakes) and i wanted to sleep terribly and my hair was a little dirty and i am always in low spirits when so and nearly all my classmates did something for this conference and only bad students did nothing - as much as i did (and i made this comparison) so i felt for myself i think. 

And this time i did a very good thing. I asked myself what i would find interesting and better say cool. What project i would like as a spectator. What is not a waste of time to please teachers but really worth doing. 

Bird flight. 

Bird flight aerodynamics. Inspired by Formula 1. I don’t remember when i turned into an F1 fan, but i enjoy its tech. I mean its amazing, isn’t it? (I support Mercedes AMG as a team, root for Lewis Hamilton and a little bit for Lando Norris. The truth is that it’s 23 september and i’m on the RussianGP in Sochi and there are not many cooler places existing. It’s amazing seeing somebody from Ferrari leaving the hotel at 7.30am). And here a lot of giggles enter the chat. 

I knew a little bit if python and searched for some aerodynamics on it. I found a course, but in the very beggining of this course there was circulation equation. And integrals everywhere. I came across integrals before but to understand what was written there i definitely needed much deeper knowledge. I went for khan academy multivriable calculus course. I never seriously believed i could realize my idea, but it was constantly giving me thrill. So i was slowly moving on, prioritising QM stuff. Well, i sort of did it. Now i’m struggling with ANSYS/OPENFOAM and even told my teachers that it’s what i chose as a project and what i’m currenty working on.

[zacharymartinglassblog]

Room №202 (pt.4)

I was (i am) terribly stupid. But i’ve really gone into madness with this quantum club - i mean i wasn’t just bad, i was just worse then terrible, zero or minus infinity level activated. There were only 4 or 3 people in this club - normally in the very begging the number could be a little bigger but after the introduction about complex numbers and photon’s polarisation (there were sheets of paper with a few pretty ununderstandable theory and then a list of problems) normal, rational people - amazing scientists in future - decided to give up quantum mechanics until uni. Only a few really clever guys stayed - and me.

 That was when some true problems started. I dunno why i didn’t leave in the very beggining, i wanted to do so, but i actually wanted this quantum stuff so much more so i stayed. I remember asking the teacher what kind of math i need to know and he said trigonometry. Other will appear soon, he said.

 And it was fun as i hardly remeber what sinus meant. 

I understood how bad i was in math and in physics and i looked at those clever guys who could solve these problems and who were amazingly cool in my eyes and i wanted to up my game. I mean i never thought about it, as do now, i just felt that i needed to up my game. 

After a month of struggling and a tone of useless attempts to make some sense out of polarisation state equation i’ve heard about a book which one of those cool clever lads used to read and liked very much. It was Susskind’s book about QM. I downloaded it. I read it. Everywhere. In buses, during school brakes, at home. I used every single free second. I had to read one piece of text (which was quite appealing from the scientific side of view but was written using normal language) for 20 times. 20, i’m not joking. I thought that all those guys were successful cos they were mathmaticiens, and learnt by heart some crucial things which i never came across. 

Then i accidentically found a nice YouTube channel about  math analysis. I checked what i needed to solve one problem in the sheet and i was terribly happy when i finally got it. Then i cheched differentials on the same channel. Rules of differetiation, cos everybody except me knew them and it was somethong very obvious to know. So i gradually learnt them. That was when i had my first success in this club. I was still terrible, couldn’t solve most of the problems but they seemed so cool and i wanted them so much (and was furious with the teacher who as it seemed to me make some laugh out of my results or myself i dunno, it wasn’t obvious and maybe he didn’t mean anythib else but i don’t care) that i continued looking for sources - both in math and physics. And they were mostly on English. Similar to my chemistry book but this time i had no choice wether to wake up at 6am or not - 

- the choice wad made before. 

I gradually forgot about all other subjects and pushed myself in QM only. I learnt math with khan academy. Funny how tricky it was to listen their videos in the beggining. But i couldn’t turn them off or look for something in Russian, the choice was made and i didn’t have to reflect on this kind of crap. Integrals were the first topic in my list. For physics i watched MIT videos (same for calculus) and read books. Pieces of  them - i hardly finished any book which is my mistake for sure. I still didn’t believe in my strategies for a long time, used to change sources too frequantly even considering the fact i was slowly getting better. In the end of my first year in the club i could solve simple problems, got the basics of linear algebra and Dirac formalism but still couldn’t solve anything more complicated and didn’t get a good percentage of lectures the teacher gave us. 

On the second year there i did quite the same, but read more, knew more math and believed in my statagies even less. The problem was that it was too much of a good thing. I couldn’t physically remember all my sources and plans and that was a little frustrating. 

[zacharymartinglassblog]

Room №202 (pt.3)

I really want to get rid off all that David Copperfield kind of crap but i’m really close to the end i hope. 

So i finally started at a very cool school where it’s normal for people winning math/science competitions and be accepted to best (mostly) russian unis with no exams. I mean i found myself surrounded by terribly clever people. There was one more stupid thing to tell - when u r really clever (or better say know A LOT OF styff on a suject) and do well in competitions they put u in somewhat called a city’s or country’s team and the team represents this city or country on something national or international. And this cool guys have special hoodies.  Oh my god, i wanted this hoodie!! 

But i never get it.

 I worked pretty hard in my first year there. And i was Fking best, i mean for one to be accepted from the 3rd (3rd Carl) attempt. Yep, it’s exremely arguably, agree. But i was up to what they all did, after considering myself so much lower in say brainpower then my present classmates. We’ve got 2 waves of exams and i again did very well. First half of the year i was really a hard-worker and it gave its credits, i still wanted this hoodie this time)

The only problem was that it all was about bio. I’m not a biologist. Never. And my fking marks don’t tell anything. It was nothing about what i read before, physics was really poor. I came down to hate biology (and we had quite a lot of hours, like 6 or so, now have 10. *Thumbs up). So my cool school slowely became not such an exciting place as i imagined it. 

Talking about my parents - my father takes it really seriously, he is cool and kind and a good personality but everything connected with School (and future uni, which i had (and have now) problems to choose and enter) is sacred. Mum has another opinion and it’s all about the way i’ve got to take every day (use bus or metro) it takes me not so much time actually but if anything happens, like i’m a bit late or tired or something or come back home when it’s already dark and we burst into rows (and she is a fan of screaming, my mum), then my school (which was kinda my dream for a long time tho) with dirty-hair students (and sometimes teachers) who have bad taste in closing is always to blame.

So i was not in a very good position - i didn’t like stuff i did but protected it like crazy in front of mum, while in my dad’s opinion everything was just fine. And it was just fine.  Sure. I had everything i needed and much more, starting from living in Moscow and having all i have like laptop, phone, clothing, trips over the country, and finishing with the fact that they would probably prefer to rest at home after a tough workday then to pick me up from one of the schools at 9pm. So i’m a terribly lucky child. Not many parents do so much for children and i’m about to thank them a lot, both of my parents but in a different way. 

That was the time when i still was a good girl. I came up with secretly hating my school programs (all about bio) which meant i stopped visiting extra classes for those cool competitions (buy-buy, hoodie). Biology - i didn’t like, chemistry - was not bad really, it was interesting and i was pleased with teachers (both kinda cool profs) asking how i found, hm, competitions as well. I mean, they asked me out of the class full of stunning biologists (who r mostly indifferent to the subject) and as follows pro-chemists. I didn’t respect them, my classmates. I didn’t have friends and felt no use of it. I mean i didn’t hate them, i just didn’t feel anything about anybody. I checked in comparisons with them wether i was still good in school subjects (without too much work to put in, as i said i f_cked things where it’was theoretically possible to win something, i found ‘em boring, never respected ‘em and was not to do stuff which i didn’t respect. i’m about so now as well but things have gone tricky), got my excellent marks and then came back to things which were really worth doing, imho.

What was worth (and still) doing imho, it’s quantum mechanics. That’s when i’ve gone crazy. Aged 14 i read a lot of popular literature about QM paradoxes and stuff and liked it a lot. I dunno wether i liked it for some good reason or just wanted to be ‘cool’ but when i saw a QM club addvert in my new school with a true quantum physicist as a teacher of course i came to this room number 202. I thought i would be, ahm *a few giggles, best with my literature background. No, i wasn’t if to express it politely. Cos there was no games - it was real, Carl, real quantum mechanics. I asked wether it was possible to attend the meetings of the club being not so good at math (i’ve heard of math level needed even for say ‘qm for begginers  idiots’). 

 - ‘Yes, sure’, - he said.

*More giggles. 

Here i remeber how i thought of hoodies without knowing about hoodies - in my first boring school i, before leaving it, wanted to become a pro-chemist. I found a good book (for unis) which was in English and i was even worse then i’m now and each day woke up at 6 am trying not to disturb parents and read it (read, yes, better say translated). I understood it was too difficult for me but i used a very simple idea - i must udnerstand all i read, every single idea. So what i couldn’t get out of the book - i searched in the internet and searched untill i didn’t get it. A good stratagy as i think now, the bad thing is that i never believed in my stratagies and they didn’t live long (but this book i read constantly).

What i want  to say is that i decided to use exactly same strategy with QM.

[zacharymartinglassblog]

Room №202 (pt.2)

[continued]

There was one thing i was dreaming of. On one of those math courses (normally they were not free and my parents paid for my education since that time) there was a teacher, a math  teacher, a woman - nothing attracrive, bad outfits, bad jokes (not a buddy actually) but a very good math teacher. I don’t think we loved each other. But my father consulted her in terms of my further education and she reccomended a math school. It’s situated in the very center of Moscow, just opposite the Red square. And it’s very difficult to enter this school. And the percentage of people entering good unis (as Moscow State Uni or economical, or physical institute which i was as well was dreaming of) is very hight. And of course i tried. There were 3 profiles there - for young researchers (crazy dirty-looking guys with enormouse rucksacs), for young mathematiciens (my father hoped i was one but i kinda dissapointed him) and for young biologists. This teacher said i was not clever enough for this school. Well, probably she was right. I tried to enter three times. First - as a young researcher (i remember what a terrible cold i had while on the exams, aged 12, failed the tests soon, didn’t have much succes but was pretty sad afterwards (only now i fully understand how lucky i really was to not be entered this profile)). Second - as a young mathematicien (this one was better. There was a competition like 20 people for a place in the class and like 6 rounds of tests and interviews and i failed on the 5th. Crap, what else to say. It was 2018). And the third one - it was the year when i was in the last forms in my art schools, so i was facing a lot of exams. Piano practice, solffegio, musical literature, diploma (it’s 3 workes in paints, loved it), art history exam, sculputure - normally people around me find it hard, but i actually say loved it, felt very much up to tune. And so i added exams to enter this cool school for the third time. 

I was strangely relaxed this summer. It was when Russia held 2018 World Cup. I’ve never been to abroad and it was the time when ‘abroad’ sort of came to me. The sea of stripped T-shirts, anthems, loads of foreigners, languages, danses, loud club music, matches, goals, reach passioned people - loved it. Since that time i kinda support PSG. Neymar in particular. He is somewhat dynamic, seems to know his body, dunno how to express it better. Like as he feels his legs, his hands, knows, i mean some very natural knowledge, where to put hands and stuff. He moves beautifully. Not many people can do it, really not many. 

And then another cool thing happened to me. I was taking a long flight (like 8h or so) and just by chance chose “The theory of everything” about Stephen Hawking to watch. Loved this one, amazingly loved this one. And what i liked in particular was the link to his book - “The brief history of time”. I know, many serious people are fairly sceptical about science fiction books but for a 14-year old in a terribly depressing russian town it was such a rescue. A little earlier the same town made me read 26 childish books about super-cats just not to die of boredom. I remember reading everywhere - in shops, gardens, cars, place where i stayed etc. I tried to make sense out of this book. Sometimes i had to reread one same part for more then say 7 times but these time i didn’t think whether it meant i was stupid or not. 

So what i did the following school year was reading books on close topics. All other Hawkings’ works, Steven Weinberg, Roger Penrose, Frank Wilczek, John Gribbin, the list is quite long. I didn’t pay any attention to my school subjects but it wasn’t needed - the marks were very decent, maximum score almost everywhere. These time I read somewhat like a book in two weeks, painted my diploma, played sonates and passed all my exams on maximum score (is it score or how u call it?) possible. Can’t say how they choose students in the bio profile, i guess i finally caught my luck, but i was in. 

[zacharymartinglassblog]

Room №202 (pt.1)

ABOUT

 Hi, my name is Olga, i’m 17, originally from Moscow, Russia (so, English is not my native and here i’m definitely not to check every single word 10293924 times to write a totally correct sentence as i used to do, only some spelling probably. i mean if anything hurts your eyes - u could write me and i would fix it or u could always close this crap and have a cup of coffee).

 Favorite books: “Franny&Zooey”, J.D.Salinger, “The Fountainhead”, Ayn Rand, “Fiesta” (i like it more then “The sun rises”), E.Hemingway and “The Great Gatsby”, Scott Fitz. Favorite film: “Whiplash”. Listen to jazz and classics (mostly), prefer spotify over apple music or anything. 

I believe it’s the first honest thing i do in my, say, social life. I want to set up an experiment on myself.  And i need sort of verification for it. 

[No matter if nobody sees it or reads it, i need to have it published, that’s enough.] 

THE STORY BEHIND 

The thing is that i wanna be cool. Always wanted actually. I think it’s my father who made me think this way and i’m certainly to thank him for it. It was a much easier thing to do when i was younger - being cool i mean. As a child i was very docile and obeint. I remember just a few times when i did some forbidden active stuff and was punished. (I dunno why i say it. move on, girl). In Russia we normally start school at the age of 7 and have 11 classes. Aged 8 i started musical school and art school where they taught me play the piano and paint/draw respectively. Can’t say i’m a great pianist. I did well at school, tho, and won some childish competitions but that’s all. Now play something from time to time. I am not to talk here about painting. I just love it and I just do it every day. I considered as being talented at school, dunno how the situation is now, but i’ll just continue. I had some little but amazing experience talking to a professor from  St. Petersburg Repin State Academic Institute of Painting, Sculpture and Architecture of Russian Academy of Arts and he said some good things about my work and that’s it, i mean i am just to continue cos i love it. 

So as a child i was pretty busy: get up at 7am, then school (and probably i need to say that it was terribly boring), home at around 4, then music/painting/english, back home at 8 or nine then hometasks and then function turns recursive. It was 6 days out of 7 and Sunday was normally packaged with some math courses (normally from Moscow State Uni, which is considered as very best here in Russia) - my father was mad about math courses, prob a very right thing to be mad about, i dunno))

I don’t wanna tell i was a young genius or super talanted, i just didn’t face any difficulties, without putting too much work into it while the rest of the class struggled. And i liked the fact i did well. I just was a good girl, my parents were pleased with my excellent marks and as far as i remember they asked me about my fave uni when i was 10 or so. 

I had no friends, tbh, and had to rush to my schools while classmates were playing, walking or so but i was taking everything pretty seriously and preferred books to people.

[to be continued]