zachsthoughts - Tumblr blog

[zachsthoughts]

Look can i ask you something? Something doesnt make sense to me. So i figured i'd just ask. So lets timeline this for a moment. A few months ago i asked you out. You said no both probably because we had barely ever hung out and because you had just gotten out of relationship. Fine i can accept that and i moved on. But now you keep inviting me to go collect insects. And of course we both know im going to go not just because i want to collect but also because im into you. And part of me is like maybe she's just looking for a work friend. But then why me. Why purposefully seek out someone who asked you out and ask them to go places alone with you. We rain checked tomorrow I ask you if you want to get coffee literally 15min and you shoot me down. Ask you if you want to get food after collecting when you tell me your starving you shoot me down. But you never invite anyone else collecting when we go. I just dont get it. Your actions dont make any sense. Why arent you posting in the group chat? Why ask me alone? Like if you want to get to know me fine. You want to take it slow fine. You dont want to jump into another relationship after getting out of one fine. But like what the fuck is this? I can be your friend but like its weird to me that of the people in the department you do know you'd choose the guy you know is into you as your work friend.

Like im not trying to jump into a relationship with you. I just want to get to know you outside of work. And you keep shutting me out. Its fucking weird and this like half in half out garbage is so highschool.

[zachsthoughts]

I did the right thing

i befriended and fell for a married woman. and though i really care for her and she is in an “open relationship” i had to break it off. i know she’s struggling, i know she’s lonely. but i can’t rip my heart out for a girl i cant have at the end of the day. its not fair and it’s not healthy

[zachsthoughts]

I really want to ask laura out. Im positive shes not into me and i barely know her but you miss 100% of the shots you dont take.

That being said im not going to ask laura out. I dont want to repeat the same mistakes i made with kali, and i dont really feel like getting rejected by someone i work with.

On top of that im sure shes not into me. She makes up excuses to get me to leave, she doesnt seem to like it when i text her. And im pretty sure she's dating someone.

These are all facts.

I can tell myself i might have a chance, because i catch her looking at me sometimes. But shes probably just annoyed that im looking at her. Its all a waste of my attention. I just gotta put it out of my mind and exercise. But i cant help myself thinking that there's a chance. Cause i'm a sucker for a pretty face.

[zachsthoughts]

This is how my decade sounded on @Spotify. Get your Wrapped #spotifywrapped

https://open.spotify.com/wrapped/share-d872103ce77746dead7bf7d9eeb68373?si=W3VnFA3JQHSA0Z9dx08BUg&lang=en-us

[zachsthoughts]

I cant believe im in this situation again

Why is it that i always fall in love with girls who dont want me. I've fell in love with her the first time we ever hung out. And i fall for her more everyday. But she wants someone else. They always want someone else. And again i try to turn a no into a yes. Which im finally starting to believe is impossible. 

Shes never gonna choose me. I could bend reaility to my whim and she'd never love me. I just dont have the energy for this anymore. I cant keep giving and giving to her and get nothing in return. Its a waste of time. I have to adopt the attitude that i dont care anymore. i cant shed any more tears on this any more.

im done. 

[zachsthoughts]

What i wanted to say

Hey i wanted to say something. I think we both had an amazing time. But i am sorry that this past weekend made things even more complicated. I think we jumped right in to the physical stuff and kinda skipped the whole getting to know each other part. So i agree with you and i think its a good idea for us to back off a bit. Or rather for me to back off a bit. And im sorry ive been/ am being so persistant with you. I know it's made you uncomfortable. ive just been being selfish.

I really do like you a lot. More than i should for someone ive just met. And i know your not there. How could you be? We just met. Ive been trying to rush things. I know i have. Im scared that your gonna go home and none of this will mean anything to you. I mean im not even sure if this means anything to you now. I think im tired of the games though. Im tired of trying to convince you. Being this persistant is really tiring. I want you to be mine. I really do. But i cant force it or rush things. As much as i want to hold you, to feel your weight on mine, I know thats not what you want. Im done trying so hard. It's exhausting and i feel like im pushing you farther and farther away. Or that atleast im not getting any closer.

It just sucks. I know that when your not thinking. You think of me. But every time you take time to think. You push me away and im back at square 1. Its not fair to me. Its not living with self respect. I shouldnt have to bend myself over backwards for some her. I should just get to know her casually. And give up. But thats a tough pill to swallow. I mean not as tough anymore. I think im really close to over it. I dont want to do this anymore. Im tired and shes not into it. Well shes into it. But i guess not like i am.

[zachsthoughts]

THE LETTER I WON’T SEND

so here, we are... friends. back where we started and where we knew we’d finish. we both knew it wouldnt work. but it was fun to dream for a moment. to fantasize about a life together. But in the end, this is the way it has to be. timing is everything and ours is lousy. i should have cherished you more in the time i had. That I had been the man you deserved. that i had loved you more fought you less. and just that i had spent more time loving everything about you. i wish that i had given you the love and attention you deserved.

but i didn’t. 

i was an ass, i made you feel like shit. i made you worry that you weren't good enough. that you needed to be more than you were. i made you scared to talk to me scared to share with me scared to leap with me. I didn't make you feel as special as you are. and i would wonder why you were mad. I should have been seeing a therapist all throughout college. anyone could have helped me. but I never asked. 

 I was a literal garbage human being to the person i care about most. I don’t deserve her. and everyone around us knows it. even me.

and as much as I’d like to go back and make everything right.

It’s too late, I can’t change the past 

And the future takes me thousands of miles away. 

All i can do is be better. 

This is the Last time I will ever say this.

I Love You.

[zachsthoughts]

Fantasy

Ya know I think I've had this fantasy that she'd change her mind at the last second and decide to come with me. Some delusion that we'd be able to make it work. But now when I think of her all I can imagine is his dick in her mouth and I know that we couldn't make it work. That even if i forgave her AND she changed her mind to come with me. It wouldn't work out in the long run. Some of that faith is just gone. But this is good in theory I have to let go ya know. But now we're left with the question of can I be friends with my ex. And idk if I can given what's happened. Eventually she'll start dating someone else and its gonna break my heart all over again.

[zachsthoughts]

Fuck'em

The honest truth is I want forgive them. I really do. And one day I might. But I don't think I'll ever trust them again. At least not the way I used to. Especially since they're all so close. I just lost all my faith in them. And I don't think that's something they're gonna be able to get back if I move 1000 miles away.

She's another story entirely. I could forgive her right now. But what's the point. Why should I put so much effort into a relationship that's never gonna go anywhere. Why should I put in work to forgive her. The thought of her with someone else breaks my heart all over again. And after she fucked my best friend. Idk if I want to get my heart broken by her anymore. Idk if the relationship is worth the pain. I just don't know.

But her too. How can I trust her. Even if she tells me that something like this will never happen again. They hang out all the time. Why should I believe her. Why should I believe that this only happened once.

The truth is that with the amount that I'm not around. It doesnt really matter if I ever really trust them again because I won't be seeing them. They'll get closer and closer and I'll just get farther away. They're already all going on vacations together. Then she'll start dating someone else and I'll just become her ex to all of them. Further and further until we just fall out of touch. Its unavoidable. Without the trust and faith I had in both of them idk if the pain that I feel from seeing them keep growing together while I'm out on my my own is worth bareing.

Maybe I should just let them go. Maybe leaving would be easier that way. It's not like there's really a point to making up with them, they're not the ones that can fill this hole in my heart anymore.

I hate to paint them as bad people, but I'm not so sure anymore. They all said it was a mistake. That it was just a mistake. But you don't fuck somebody by mistake. You just dont. To them it's only a mistake because I'm upset. If I had never found out would they feel like they had done something wrong? Would they care at all that they betrayed my trust? Would it have even crossed their minds? I dont think it would have. And that's the crux of the issue. They didn't think about me. About how much it would hurt me they did what they did. Or maybe they did, and they just didn't think I'd find out. How many other secrets are they all keeping from me. How many other times have they betrayed me.

Are people like that worth my time. I do have self respect. I dont deserve to be treated like that. Especially by the people who call themselves my friends. Everything I can come up with just tells me that there's no point in trying to fix things. Because at the end of the day I cant trust them. And even if I try to get passed that it won't change the fact that they'll keep getting closer while I'm stuck on the outside. I dont want to feel like an outsider when I'm with my friends. And I deserve to either. I deserve better.

And that sucks, because I have to choose between my self respect and my "friends"

The worst part is I dont think I can look at any of them without imagining it. I sure as hell cant think about any of them without imagining it.

[zachsthoughts]

all i can do

all i can do is show her, and hope she understands. Cause if she doesn’t, i’d understand.

[zachsthoughts]

I Started Crying...

It wasn’t cause I was scared of being alone. That’s always been the expectation. its cause i got scared of what i said. I got scared about not trying in the first place cause i don’t think its fair  to her. Is it fair to want to try with someone who knows at any moment you could just get bored and leave? Or is the reality that its not that I lose interest permanently but that i tend to walk away from things for awhile before regaining interest again. Cause that obviously not fair. To anyone!

 I genuinely am at a loss as to what to do.  so im gonna list everything.

- i’m not sure if im capable of happiness. 

- i really do like her, why else get jealous, 

-i hurt her, i’ve been hurting her for awhile (only way to fix is thorough change in in speaking habits)

- i tend to walk away from things when i get bored, and come back to them later (obviously fucked up to do to a person!!)

- not happy with oneself = not happy in a couple

- we’ve been getting more open lately.

- im an,uncaring rude asshole

-shes nice, and empathetic

-we tried once it didn’t work

is this “just for fun” anymore? or do we want something real? (need to talk)

logical conclusion = show her this website and talk to her, (wait for finals to be overwith)

[zachsthoughts]

"All men dream - but not equally. Those who dream by night, in the dusty recesses of their minds, wake in the day to find that it was vanity... But the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes, to make it possible. This I did." - T. E. Lawrence

[zachsthoughts]

The Ups and Downs

sometimes things go right, sometimes they don’t. we never really see whats just ahead of us. so at times life can seem uncertain and unclear. our lives criss-cross and intercect with so many others and we spend so much of our time just trying to cross paths with the right person, never knowing if it was someone we’ve already crossed and forgotten. we all wonder at times if we’re going to be alone, never seeing those chances until they’ve passed. it seems to be so frequent an occurence that we forget those once around us. maybe we over look the obvious. 

[zachsthoughts]

i guess we all make mistakes

it didn’t work, i lied and it ended badly. but i dont regret that. it was a catch 22. no whats worse is i cant seem to get Sabrina off my mind. it kills me. all i want to do is talk to her but i don’t want to open that can of worm again just to have my heart stepped on again. i don’t know why she’s holding me back, i just cant let go. i know she’ll never see me that way again. and that i can’t from where i am support her in her life. but i love her. Have since the moment i heard her voice. it just sucks. it makes coming home so much worse. everything just remind me that i will never have her. maybe its good i don’t live at home. and whats the worst is that this all culminates to completely eliminate any motivation i had to do anything.  

[zachsthoughts]

The first week has been amazing so far. She's incredible. Like actually incredible, she's funny, sexy, smart, adorable, and the list goes on and on. I have no idea how I got this lucky. I'm never this lucky. We talk for hours and it only seems like minutes pass. I've never met someone like her before, someone who can turn the tables on a conversation in like an instant. And I know this shouldn't matter, but she passes every obscure test, and rule of thumb, I've heard about finding someone to love, she challenges me and doesn't let me get away with bullshit

[zachsthoughts]

[zachsthoughts]

i stole from a store and now im not allowed back. i was threatened that if i ever come back they would call the cops. i feel terrible about it. it was scary and i felt so guilty. i will never steal again.