zealouspeachtreebakery - Tumblr blog

[zealouspeachtreebakery]

my birthday is officially over. it kind of fucking sucked. i’m now an adult, my friends are in other cities three hundred miles away, and so is my family, and most importantly my fucking dog, one best friend didn’t text me and my other best friend sent me a nice text about how much she missed me and said she was free later tonight to call and proceeded to be busy the rest of the night and after checking in twice i was just done.

it was really goddamn lonely today.

i miss my brother and my dog and my friends and my home and i miss not thinking about if i was the only one reaching out to my friends and if i would settle in at college like everyone else or if i’m just doomed to keep struggling.

and i am struggling. and i want her to see that and try and reach out like i did when she was anxious about college but so far i’ve had one call she was disinterested during and hung up abruptly on and now this fucking day.

today has made me long for home like literally never before.

[zealouspeachtreebakery]

also like day five of three meals a day let’s fucking goooi

[zealouspeachtreebakery]

is it romantic attraction or is it attention starved: the trivia game

[zealouspeachtreebakery]

literally just a personal rant i’m treating this blog like a journal rn

it’s complicated. that’s the easy way to put a friendship that had something happen that we really couldn’t agree on or come to an understanding on and fought over for like weeks during one of the most stressful times of my life and in the end i snapped because i had been trying so fucking hard to compromise and apologize and make amends but every time i did it never got through to them. and when i got sent the “hi i don’t think i can do this anymore…” i just let it all go. we haven’t really talked all summer and we “made up” during that conversation but to be frank it was more like making peace for the sake of getting through the last month of high school. tldr: shits messy. and now i keep seeing shit pop up on my instagram of that friend with the girl i was in love with (working on letting that one go) and one of her other friends, these two very same people i was trying to hang out with soon.

obv j bc i ended my friendship with this person doesn’t mean everyone else should but i still just get this knot curled up right in my chest. and honestly it makes me glad that i might be leaving again soon. my mom told me TODAY she was going to try and get me somewhere to stay down south with my uncle to work for a week or two at starting in two days 😭😭 but again at least i can excuse not visiting the ex-friend when it seems like almost everyone else has at this point, plus i can just get away. get some space.

i think it will be good for me

[zealouspeachtreebakery]

tw: ed/recovery

alarms went off this morning and are set to go off again in an hour. this is meal 1/21 to get rid of the stupid things. i had two eggs, some bacon, and a peach for breakfast, even if i did forget to take my iron supplement L. tbh this kinda makes me want to start blogging my food just so i have a record of this i can look back on and be proud of!

every big journey starts with a single step

[zealouspeachtreebakery]

i also just really really appreciate having posted that rant and then going and finding lovely affirmations and positivity on my feed 😭😭😭

tw: ed/minor depression

life kinda really sucks sometimes. recovery is not linear. i know that so well, i’ve been taught that so well through everything that’s happened before this. but it sucks major ass to have gone years totally fine, a year into an exploration and broadening of a culinary palate, a year of learning recipes and getting excited about food again, and hitting this point in time where i’m caffeinating instead of eating, laying in bed instead of getting up.

calories are what make me able to live and breathe and think, they are literally life giving, and when i should be taking in around two thousand calories a day i find myself clocking in at four hundred. i don’t count calories daily but i knew the day had been bad and i knew i had to get my head out of my ass and see how bad it was. numbers are a good way of putting that into perspective.

it sucks because i know i’ve made so much progress. and here i am, setting up the alarms on my phone again that remind me to eat. and i’m bargaining with myself now, if i can go a week on this then i can turn them off for a while again but i genuinely don’t think i can go a week without missing a single meal at some point. we’ll see how it goes.

recovery fucking sucks so much more when you recognize that it will never be done. i may always have to pavlov myself into loving the stretch marks on my skin, and every couple of years the alarms might have to reappear. eating disorders can absolutely get mother freaking fucked.

[zealouspeachtreebakery]

tw: ed/minor depression

life kinda really sucks sometimes. recovery is not linear. i know that so well, i’ve been taught that so well through everything that’s happened before this. but it sucks major ass to have gone years totally fine, a year into an exploration and broadening of a culinary palate, a year of learning recipes and getting excited about food again, and hitting this point in time where i’m caffeinating instead of eating, laying in bed instead of getting up.

calories are what make me able to live and breathe and think, they are literally life giving, and when i should be taking in around two thousand calories a day i find myself clocking in at four hundred. i don’t count calories daily but i knew the day had been bad and i knew i had to get my head out of my ass and see how bad it was. numbers are a good way of putting that into perspective.

it sucks because i know i’ve made so much progress. and here i am, setting up the alarms on my phone again that remind me to eat. and i’m bargaining with myself now, if i can go a week on this then i can turn them off for a while again but i genuinely don’t think i can go a week without missing a single meal at some point. we’ll see how it goes.

recovery fucking sucks so much more when you recognize that it will never be done. i may always have to pavlov myself into loving the stretch marks on my skin, and every couple of years the alarms might have to reappear. eating disorders can absolutely get mother freaking fucked.

[zealouspeachtreebakery]

so lesson learned: even if i do find my energy drained around people i NEED the social interaction. i’m home for two days on my own and i wilt like a flower in the summer heat.

it was a friends birthday yesterday and when i went i got to see mostly everyone (bar one friend that moved to ohio) and it was the reassurance i didn’t know i needed. magical.

[zealouspeachtreebakery]

how did i do this at the start?? how did we get to be so close? was our relationship really just a byproduct of our distance having shortened? are we really so shallow? i shouldn’t even be posting this shit but my journal is too far away and i don’t think i can handle this.

i changed my birthday on snapchat because i’m curious to see how many people will still get it right. i doubt many. i feel very alone right now.

[zealouspeachtreebakery]

i’m talking to the girl i was in love with for the past year, the girl i considered one of if not my closest confidants and friends, who promised me at senior sunset we would stay in touch, like a stranger.

fuck.

[zealouspeachtreebakery]

my costar put “backpedaling” on my list of donts for the day and ig i incurred bad karma literally frantically backpedaling my way out of feels. hahahahahahahhagaa it’s so fun love. pretty sure she’s got feelings for someone else and hasn’t contacted me since i sent her a somewhat nebulously intentioned letter that could be read into enough to say i have feelings for her but could be the close friendship we used to share. even if she did realize that i like her and that’s why she backed off it kinda sucks bc i thought we were closer friends than that.

part of this is just me feeling isolated from my friend group who i literally haven’t seen any of (with one exception) for the past two months and yeah i’ve been traveling but i wanted to see them all and go camping in a week and one person responded. love. they all heart the cat pics in the gc though so.

[zealouspeachtreebakery]

sometimes i get offended by the stereotypes around gay people like no i can be refined i swear i’m not a disaster and then i remember i just started a stitch and bitch club with my ex’s mom.

[zealouspeachtreebakery]

i am a whole 75% sure that i got semi seriously asked out yesterday??

we were on a tour and in the garden the tour guide mentioned that it was a romantic spot people went on dates at and the girl next to me i’d been talking to the whole time and yesterday too had been like “would you go on a date with me here?” and i like said yes at first and then i was like wait no taking that right back because look at me being a gay disaster. that’s not exactly fair to her plus i’m like 1/4th sure she was joking.

unrequited love is not fun. but i think it’s time for me to sort my shit out and try to get over this because like this girl there are people out here that may not be like the person i’m in love with but will be wonderful in their own ways and just as lovely and unique.

i’m sure. it will be okay.

[zealouspeachtreebakery]

to dare to dream:

when i dream of romance,

it is not the fiery, all consuming love i know i am capable of

i am tired of burning

lost that will to clash and conquer

on the same stake where my flesh yielded to flame

when i dream of romance,

i don’t see a face

man, woman, other, one, two, more - it matters not to me

i see the curve of lips pressed into the skin of my neck

that i trust them enough to bare

when i dream of romance,

i want to be wooed

i am tired of watching

from afar, the people i feel that brief spark with

all i feel is the potential for love, have i ever managed to fall?

when i dream of romance,

i imagine myself high to hell and back

ensconced in the arms of lovers

vulnerable and soft and hazy and lovely as

the silky touch of clearest mountain water running through fingers

when i dream of romance,

it is gentle.

i am tired.

i lean in and trust that they will catch me-

we are gentle together.

when i dream of romance,

it is the bouquet of wildflowers resting on the kitchen counter

it is the sway of the last song of the night,

heels in hand and head pressed to their chest

it is-

[zealouspeachtreebakery]

TONIGHT PART TWO.

IM IN LA.

I HAVENT BEEN HOME FOR EXTENDED PERIODS OF TIME.

i’m so fucking lonely like i CRAVE intimacy on so many levels. i want to have someone i sit pressed to their side with and tonight i’m so goddamn tired. and all i could think about was sitting at the bottom of the shower and just letting someone else take care of me. let their hands wash out the past couple days of sweat and grime from hair that’s still wavy from it’s braids and let myself trust those soft gentle hands that lead me into bed and asleep. it’s not sexual, low key romantic but could honestly even be platonic but like most people aren’t at that level. let’s be so for real, i dont have anyone who’s at that level with me. but i want it so so fucking bad.

and it’s sitting in bed and knowing i should shower but being unable to see how i could attempt it on my own right now that i looked over at my phone and saw a snap notification from her and it made me want to cry because out of everyone i know i crave the intimacy between us the most.

she would draw on me at lunchtime and there would be swirls of ink darting over my skin that reminded me of her. she would let me rest my head in her lap when i was tired. she did not braid my hair. when i think of her on nights like this it seems impossible to deny that i’m in love with her because there is this yawning hole in my chest that wants to be held by her most of all.

i’m gonna post a poem i wrote thinking about it after this because hell if i’m pouring out my heart and soul there’s no holds barred

[zealouspeachtreebakery]

SO ANYWAYS TONIGHT. i’m still in la, literally haven’t been home for more than three days this whole summer, not having seen her or any of my friends, and like idek again like is it her or is it just me craving intimacy??

because here’s the thing as not platonic as my feelings are for her (i read less and when the guy was like “do you love him?” and didn’t even need an answer because of the expression on mc’s face i thought of her and answered “a lot”) like i feel like they fall in and out with the tides. but i’ve also never been as serious about someone as i am about her, because like every time we get closer as friends there’s just this warmth in the pit of my stomach that lights up so frequently but at the same time it can get hit when i let others braid my hair or when we’re all dogpiled and napping or laughing together doing dumb teen shit.

i go back and forth on it. because i also just adore her in a way i don’t anyone else, where i can hear her different laughs when she sends variations of “lm(f)ao” over text when i send her something curated for her tastes, or watching her smile makes that warmth light up, and i love getting her to throw side eye at me because it never fails to make me laugh and she’s told me she likes that about me. when we like Talked about deep shit and private shit and things we had never mentioned to other people it lit up again because this was a person in the world that understood me in a way that i’d never really experienced before. shit y’all i’m gay as hell.

this me realizing i haven’t even made it to an explanation of tonight.

[zealouspeachtreebakery]

this is me literally just anon blogging my silly gay heart out because less sleep = poorly thought out terribly timed and truly horrific ranting and confessions that will haunt my dreams for the rest of time. that being said here we go.

the scene: me literally knowing this girl for all four years of high school and not really talking to her but existing in each others vicinities. we got wayyyy closer this past year (senior year of high school thanks bad timing) and tbh most of it was a side effect of just being together pretty much 24/7 because of how our schedules aligned in a way that pretty much no one else had. also lots of time one on one.

the all famous ao3 oh. moment: me at my senior year homecoming when i see this girl and go to give her a hug like i had everyone else and feeling Not Platonically about it.

the result?: literally another nine months of pining plus us graduating together and me promptly leaving the next day to thailand and then to mendocino and then to la = i have not seen her in over two months after seeing her nearly daily for almost a year. sent her a poorly thought out letter she sent me a picture of having arrived in the mail and then never texted about. i assume she figured out i had feelings for her,, BUT THATS ANOTHER STORY.

tldr i’m gay. the scene has been set. what’s cooking tonight you might wonder??