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I’ve been listening to Bo Burnham’s songs from ‘Inside’ an ungodly amount

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7-15-2021

Today was rough to say the least. I woke up right when it was time for me to go to work since I closed the night before and they had me scheduled to be there at 8am today. I was exhausted throughout work, but I listened to multiple podcasts to keep myself entertained (I’m not supposed to wear ear buds while working, but I have air-pods and turn one of them upside down and cover to with my hair so no one sees it, works like a charm). Some podcasts I listen to are Dear Chelsea, Coming Out (with Lauren & Nicole), and more recently Speak L.A. I find that listening to a mix of podcasts and music keeps me entertained and inspired to be creative after work. I also saw one of my friends at work today which I haven’t seen in a couple months since camp season started and she has to be there 24/7. It was really nice joking around with her and sharing some laughs. I very much bring a vibe of not caring about my job when I work for any big corporation, but as all corporations do they will keep you around as long as you show up (especially in this “labor shortage”). Right before I got off of work my girlfriend surprised me at work and we went out for some drinks and Mexican food. Everything was going well until we started talking about some personal habits we have and we went our separate ways without even saying goodbye. I then returned home and fell asleep even though it was only 8pm. I woke back up at 11pm and was upset that she had not tried to reach out to me so I drove over to her house and we talked things through. We are doing a lot better and I feel closer to her since I could confide in her and tell her things that I find concerning about our relationship. It has creeped into the next day as I write this at 2am and I have to be back at work at 7am. I didn’t do much to work on myself today other than addressing issues in my relationship, but I believe it will be easier tomorrow since I get off earlier in the day. I also NEED to watch American Horror Stories on Hulu after work tomorrow, I meant to today, but forgot it came out until later in the day when I was already preoccupied. If anyone has any other podcast recommendations PLEASE send them to me as I am always looking for a new podcast to listen to. I also will probably rewatch killing eve as it was too good not to watch again! 

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7-14-2021

After waking up today I spent my time in bed until I had to go to work. It was easier to move around than yesterday when all I kept doing was falling back asleep until work. I dusted off my ukulele and tuned it, but didn’t play any music yet. I’m trying to get myself back into doing the things I love without stressing out in the moment while doing them. I also watched some episodes of Killing Eve yet again and made it to season 3 episode 7 (which is the episode before the season finale). I worked from 3pm to 11pm today and I was on edge all day thinking about how the third season of Killing Eve will end. On a side note I had a mini anxiety attack while at work, which has never happened to me, but it was unnoticeable and I kept working through it. I’m better now, but the internal feeling of an anxiety attack really caught me off guard in a place that has never happened before. On my break I drove to McDonalds and ate my meal there so I could use their wifi to watch a little bit of episode 7 just to hold me over until I got off of work. It’s hard to describe how I feel about this show, but to say the least this is the first tv show that I’ve wanted to binge watch so desperately in about 2 years. At 11pm I finally got off of work and stopped at my girlfriends house since she called me on the way home to tell me she bought me something at the store. She had gotten me pear juice! This may not seem like the best thing ever, but it truly is! I haven’t had pear juice in about 3 years since I was in Italy and they finally started selling it somewhere near where I live! It was also a strange coincidence that my snapchat memories reminded me that exactly 3 years ago today we were flying to Italy to meet our mutual best friend. I then drove home and finished season 3 of Killing Eve. I loved the ending and believe that it could be left off here, but I don’t want it to! I love the connection that Eve and Villanelle share. Sandra Oh and Jodie Comer project so much chemistry and misery both at the same time. I could not see any other actors playing these parts after getting so attached. In addition to their characters finally displaying the emotional connection I’ve been waiting for, Konstantin being responsible for Kenny’s death was so devastating. His character has really proven to be immoral towards everyone except for his daughter. He used to be one of my favorites, but now I can’t look at him the same way. I’m laying on the floor in my room as I type all of this and just hope that anyone reading will please watch Killing Eve AND then message me to talk about it! I need everyone to watch this show, it’s terribly underrated and SO worth watching. Overall, today was a good day compared to the past week and I’m grateful that I found it within myself to make it to work.

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7-13-2021

I woke up over and over again this morning but allowed myself to stay in bed and fall back asleep multiple times partially due to having a really hot dream (I was in the world of Killing Eve and being hit on by both Sandra Oh and Jodie Comer's characters). My comforter was also more comfortable than usual since the house was especially cold this morning. I live with my grandparents and during the summer and they crank the ac so much that it feels like it's winter inside of the house, but when you walk outside you almost get sent into a heat stroke. After watching 3 more episodes of Killing Eve, including the infamous one with the kiss scene on the bus I felt guilty watching so far ahead of my girlfriend so I decided to get ready for work. I actually went to work today and wore something a lot more masculine than usual which felt so good. I dreaded going to work, but once I got there my shift actually went by fast and they had me train someone new (which wasted a lot of time, in a good way). For dinner, I bought a pack of strawberry mochi ice cream and ate the whole 6 pack, probably not the best dinner, but it was delicious, to say the least. I finally got off of my shift around 11pm and decided to stop over at my girlfriend's house to watch the season 2 final episode of Killing Eve, but we got so sucked in that we watched up to the third episode of season 3. I mainly wanted to see her react to the infamous kiss scene I mentioned earlier. I made it back home around 1:30am and passed out in bed shortly after. I felt more productive today than I have in a while since I went to work, but there is so much more that I want to do with my days. I need to be okay with slowly creating a daily special for myself and sticking to it. Hopefully, tomorrow will be another step in the right direction of releasing myself of this anxiety from feeling unproductive and like I'm going nowhere with my life. I want to accomplish my goals and live a life that gives me meaning.

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7-12-2021

I had the day off today, but it really just turned into a 3 day break from work since I called out the last couple of days. After waking up at my girlfriends house she made me breakfast and we watched a bit more of Killing Eve. I think it’s safe to say that we’re addicted. Sandra Oh is just such a great actress and all her movements on screen are purposeful and believable to her character. I felt a bit spacey today, but it subsided after an hour or so, but what made it scary was when I drove while being spacey. I had to take my car to get an oil change and on the way I kept getting distracted by what is in my car and felt myself swerve quite a few times. It all reset when I later went to the pool with my girlfriend and a friend I haven’t seen in almost half a year. We caught up and drank a little bit, I highly recommend Vizzy hard seltzers. They are so much better than white claws and the flavors actually overpower the seltzer making it easy to drink if you’re not a fan of a lot of carbonation. (4.5 out of 5 stars) After swimming for a couple of hours it began to storm so we went our separate ways, but my girlfriend and I agreed to go and grab dinner together. We showered then headed to Mr.Tokyo in Charlotte, North Carolina. It’s all you can eat sushi for $21 and that includes any appetizers and sides that you want! Every time we go there we always eat way to much and can barely walk out of the restaurant. Personally, I love crab rangoons, but I feel like my body is at least 25% crab rangoons. Overall, the place is amazing and if you have one near you, you should check it out! (5 out of 5 stars) I then drove both of us home and how much we ate really got to us as we felt “food drunk” and couldn’t stop laughing at each other over the stupidest things. We got back to her house and relaxed while watching some more Killing Eve and the sexual tension between Eve and Villanelle put us in the mood to have sex. (we have been on a dry spell for a few months) I would say today was a great way to ease back into having to go back to work tomorrow and starting a rigorous schedule for myself. I’m now back at my house laying in bed trying to find motivation to make goals for myself tomorrow as I try to pull myself out of this slump I have been in. 

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7-11-2021

Today I once again called out of work and just tried to take the day for myself. I have been having an overwhelming amount of anxiety recently and I decided that staying at home was the best option. I didn’t do much and barely made it out of bed, but around 3pm when my girlfriend got off of work she brought me over some iced coffee. I used to never drink coffee, but then I discovered oat milk iced lattes from Dunkin Donuts and it’s my new drink! (especially with a caramel drizzle) My girlfriend and I then spent the rest of the day in my room binge-watching Killing Eve. It’s our new favorite show and we’re so addicted that we watched 8 episodes of it in one day. We couldn’t look away so we ordered in pizza (our cheese-less pizza with veggies on it from PapaJohns). After finally getting tired I headed over to her house for a cute sleepover. Overall, today was a shitty day weather wise and for my anxiety as well. I haven’t had an anxiety attack in awhile, but it just keeps building up and I’m scared one will come again. It has a lot to do with me being scared that I am not being as productive as I could be in each day. I feel like I need to get my life together, but my girlfriend thinks I’m just being too hard on myself.

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Some of my interests

- I am a huge Sarah Paulson fan

- I rewatch Orange is the New Black at least once a year, I mean who wouldn’t it’s such a well written show!

- Some other celebrities that I love to keep up on their work are Cate Blanchett, Natasha Lyonne, 

- My favorite author is David Sedaris

- I listen to a wide variety of music, with the exception of country music (unless it’s Before He Cheats by Carrie Underwood)

- Musical theater is a big part of my life and I like to think I would thrive in performing if I didn’t have such a big fear of singing in front of people. I have been working on this and it has been getting better! Some musicals I love include Phantom of the Opera, Les Mis, Into the Heights, Into the Woods, Heathers, The Book of Mormon, Mamma Mia, Little Shop of Horrors, Sound of Music, The Music Man, Company, Hairspray, Hamilton, La La Land, Moulin Rouge, Rocky Horror Picture Show, and the Greatest Showman.

- I can barely play 2 songs on the ukulele, but I would like to be able to read music for instruments and pick up guitar and piano as well some day.

- I have always been into stand up comedy and my favorite stand up comics are Chelsea Handler, Sarah Silverman, Bo Burnham, and Katt Williams. (To name a few, there are so many more, but it’s hard to think of off the top of my head)

- Saturday Night Live used to be such a big show for me and I continue to appreciate the work done by Kate McKinnon, Amy Poehler, Tina Fey, and Maya Rudolph, Bobby Moynihan, Vanessa Bayer, and Aidy Bryant.

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07-10-2021

Today I called out of work and I tried to make the best of the day and not get the post call out dread (if you haven’t experienced this it’s when you call out and feel shitty for not going into work and making it an inconvenience to those who are at work, I get it every time whether I call out for a legit reason or not). I did get a mild amount of post call out dread, but I was able to sleep in until 11am. I then ate lunch at home and hang out with my grandma (I live with her, but never really just hang out with her). After lunch I decided to drive an hour and a half to my aunt and uncle’s house. I went with them to do errands and tried Church’s Chicken for the first time. I give it 4.5 stars out of 5 (for fast food), it was definitely better than KFC, but still not out of this world. My aunt and uncle live on a lake so I squeezed in some time on a jet ski before the sunset. Riding a jet ski is always fun and I usually have more fun when I’m accompanied by others, but it’s very empowering and freeing to ride by yourself, especially when it’s right before the sun sets and no one is on the lake. I rode around for about 20 minutes and screamed some songs from Bo Burnham’s special ‘Inside’. I can’t get the songs Welcome to the Internet, Unpaid Intern, and Bezos I out of my head. I then left for home before I got too tired to drive. On the way home I tried to take a route that would allow me to see uptown Charlotte from the highway, but I didn’t end up taking that route. However, it was a nice drive home and I rolled down my windows and opened my sunroof while blasting the current music I’m addicted to. I’m working on not being ashamed of what I really like deep down and not caring what others think as we are all human and have similar problems. I tend to stress myself way too much and it even shows in my body language. I am slowly becoming okay with the fact that this is a never ending journey and it will have many resets, but in the end I will always be stuck with myself. Myself, being the person I really am so why not just relax and be my authentic self? It’s so much easier to write and think than to actually put this mentality in practice in my everyday life. 

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my 1st true post

About me: I recently made the decision that I would like people to call me by the name Lou. This name isn’t short for my real name and doesn’t even contain the same letters as my real name. The people reading this blog are the first people I’m asking to call me Lou. I am 21 years old and currently identify as a female. I don’t put a label on my sexuality as I find it restricting, however, I have been dating a girl for the past 4 years. My relationship has not been the most stable, but we both have remained loyal and continue to work on being healthier and better versions of ourselves as we get older. I struggle with identifying exactly what I want to do with my life. I have always had the dream to pursue a career in comedy and acting, but I just finished my junior year of university majoring in biochemistry and molecular biology. I went with this major since I find science to be interested, but this is not my passion at all and I long to do something that fulfills me with the reoccurring thought in the back of my head telling me that I need to allow my true self to shine through. I believe that I can accomplish anything I want to do as long as I put all of my effort into it, but I have never put all of my effort into anything so it has been very hard for me to find the motivation to do so. I often feel lost and confused about how I should be living my life and look for tips and pointers anywhere I can. I want to use this blog as an everyday account for what I truly am going through in my life and hopefully find people along the way to confide in as I have yet to truly confide in anyone other than myself. Think of this as my online public journal that will get the raw, unfiltered details of Lou’s life. Please interact with me and hold me accountable for making my life what I want it to be and not hiding behind a persona that will make me seem normal. 

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Introducing myself

Hey! My name is Lou, I’m 21 years old and just created this tumblr to express who I truly am and my interests with people I don’t even know. Don’t hesitate to ask me questions about myself, I’m always looking for new people to talk to!