zerimaaar - Tumblr blog

[zerimaaar]

Ever since leaving art school, I’ve been in a constant state of burnout. Expectations I put on myself kept me tired but motivated enough keep going. That goal would change depending what day you asked me. Focuses change over time and I think that’s the nature of growing up. The older I got, the more I cared for my own peace: which meant that I needed to focus on what I valued. Without going to something too personal that people gloss over cause Mars is writing a chunk of text whah whah - it included my relationship with the Arts.

But now I’m at a place where I feel a sense of peace but with the anxieties of what will come next. I feel secure with my marriage, my relocation, and my relationships I left behind in the states. I have a tendency to stay flexible to find what will serve me best and avoid a situation of being stuck. I always feared being stuck or feeling stuck. Somehow, at the same time I fear success, which can get me out of bad places and avoid this ‘stuck’ feeling. I have a constant struggle of feeling needed enough but also not wanting so much responsibility where I need to be obligated to stay.

I hate the fact I barely made art in my 20s, I hate that my own productions and main source of creativity slowed down because of my own desire to please people and suffice my own expectations. Moving out to support myself and move out of my hometown was so important for my mental health but other things got damaged in that process. In reality I wish I cared a little less, but I think I’m starting to get into that era of reconnecting with that day dreaming idea producing thing I used to do.

I hope that this account documents my relationship with my own art.

Will I take my ambitions commercial? I don’t know. Part of me loves knowing people are willing to purchase my art, or commission me for pieces. Though I don’t expect it to take off. I just personally don’t think I will ever have that audience.

I hope that I can write pieces to understand art and to explain why some of this stuff is important to look at. I hope my works look kinda cool (cause visual skills are not easy to develop!!!) and less commercial because that’s not my intent at the moment. I want to be able to write about art and not convince people in a douchey way that I’m-better-than-everyone, BUT rather to give a breath to what the art can speak to.