zoeykingsthings

[zoeykingsthings]

Faith Comes By Hearing

I still feel a little lost about what to do about church. My son's only consistent nap time right now seems to be right in the 9am-11am window- which is pretty much the only times any churches, at least near me, meet.

I know it won't always be this way.

In the past, I've definitely felt God's push to be part of a church, or to push in to a certain community, but I'm honestly just not feeling that push from Him at all right now. But I know the Bible says we shouldn't give up meeting together. I know it's a good thing to go to church. But I guess I just feel like I'm knocking my head against a wall with it right now.

When we do go I feel like I'm just going out of some kind of religious/guilt obligation, not because it's something God is actively calling me into, if that makes any sense? I guess it just feels kind of lifeless to me right now.

I'm not sure what God is doing. Maybe he's wanting to move us into some different church community?

Instead of trying to bulldoze past this I'm just trying to wait and lean in to God, and be obedient in the things He is more clearly telling me to do (i.e. writing...). I know He's more than able to get my attention and redirect me.

I ended up listening to a sermon from the church I grew up going to in a different state. It really resonated with me and with what I was going through at the moment, in a way that I guess I haven't really felt at the church we are currently attending. It was refreshing.

Part of the sermon was about parenting and raising kids in the Lord.

My son is still so young, but I wondered if we were doing enough with him to help him learn about God, especially now that we haven't been going to church as often.

I prayed, asking God if there was anything else I should be doing to lead him spiritually.

Later that week, I took my son on our weekly grocery store trip. A women saw me with him, and mentioned that she missed the days when her son was that young. We started making small talk, and she paused, asking if she could ask me a personal question.

"Do you know our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?"

I'm always kind of impressed by people's boldness to even ask questions like this to a stranger- I feel like I'm way to shy, or honestly, too much of a people pleaser, to start trying to witness to people in the middle of the grocery store. But, maybe fortunately for her, she wasn't going to have to try to convert me to anything. I told her I did know Jesus.

She started telling me her story- that she was supposed to die in childbirth but she begged God to let her and her son live, and to give her the chance to read the Bible to her son. She believed God saved her, and her son. She said that from the time he was an infant, she read directly from God's word to him every night. She said that now they have read through the Bible together over five times.

She reminded me of Romans 10:17:

So then faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God.

She encouraged me to read directly from the Bible to my son and prayed over us. I prayed for her too- thanking God for giving her the courage to step out and share her story.

It was just a very cool, very encouraging moment from God. And it definitely felt like God had answered my prayer about leading my son spiritually.

It was also just such a nice reminder that God has so many of His people all over the place- that we really aren't alone even if sometimes we feel like we do.

Anyway, my son and I have a new nightly routine, which includes reading a chapter of Genesis aloud together right before he falls asleep.

[zoeykingsthings]

Bethesda

I tried to post this story months ago. I wrote for hours but it somehow never uploaded and didn't save as a draft.

Then I got so frustrated I haven't even tried to write in here since.

But today, gratefully, there is time. So here we go again:

I was excited to get home after our trip to Florida. There would finally be time to do all the things! I would work out and get back to my pre-pregnancy weight! I would join mom groups and make friends! I would go to church regularly! And I would finally start feeling better!

I pushed myself hard. Even though my son was sleeping terribly and my husband got sick, I forced myself to go to the gym every day. I went to story time at the library even though I felt horrible and all I really wanted to do was to take a nap.

Then I ended up getting sick. Back to being stuck at home. Back to only being able to do the bare minimum just to get through the day.

I felt paralyzed. It felt like all the things I needed to do to feel better were so close, but just out of reach. And I was just stuck.

Sleep has been elusive lately. Even when my son sleeps well I can have trouble falling asleep and staying asleep. I started listening to a podcast to try to help me conk out.

It started off innocuously enough, but I noticed sometimes the podcast would veer off into some dark subjects. I ended up seeing this word from Lana Vawser and felt pretty convicted about it:

I HEARD THE LORD SAY ‘TAKE BACK THE NIGHT HOURS’ – Lana Vawser Ministries

I started listening to an audio Bible to fall asleep instead.

One night I woke up while the story of the man at the pool of Bethesda was being read.

"5 After this there was a feast of the Jews, and Jesus went up to Jerusalem. 2 Now there is in Jerusalem by the Sheep Gate a pool, which is called in Hebrew, [a]Bethesda, having five porches. 3 In these lay a great multitude of sick people, blind, lame, [b]paralyzed, [c]waiting for the moving of the water. 4 For an angel went down at a certain time into the pool and stirred up the water; then whoever stepped in first, after the stirring of the water, was made well of whatever disease he had. 5 Now a certain man was there who had an infirmity thirty-eight years. 6 When Jesus saw him lying there, and knew that he already had been in that condition a long time, He said to him, “Do you want to be made well?”

7 The sick man answered Him, “Sir, I have no man to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up; but while I am coming, another steps down before me.”

8 Jesus said to him, “Rise, take up your bed and walk.” 9 And immediately the man was made well, took up his bed, and walked.

And that day was the Sabbath. 10 The Jews therefore said to him who was cured, “It is the Sabbath; it is not lawful for you to carry your bed.”

11 He answered them, “He who made me well said to me, ‘Take up your bed and walk.’ ”

12 Then they asked him, “Who is the Man who said to you, ‘Take up your bed and walk’?” 13 But the one who was healed did not know who it was, for Jesus had withdrawn, a multitude being in that place. 14 Afterward Jesus found him in the temple, and said to him, “See, you have been made well. Sin no more, lest a worse thing come upon you.”

15 The man departed and told the Jews that it was Jesus who had made him well."

I really felt like God was trying to get my attention with this story. I was feeling a lot like the paralyzed man- thinking if I could just get over there, I would be healed. If I could just start exercising more, if I could just start socializing more, I would feel better.

When Jesus asked the paralyzed man if he wanted to be made well, the man simply explained that he could not get to the pool. He was so focused on the pool he didn't realize the one who could heal him was right there with him.

I've been really trying to hold on to that idea lately. My healing doesn't have to be over there, doing those things I just don't have to have capacity to do. My healing is in Jesus, and He's right here with me where I am.

Since then I've been learning to be a lot more gentle with myself. I've been slowly making diet changes and have actually been enjoying finding and cooking new, healthy recipes. I've been trying to just incorporate more walks with my son into my day, instead of just feeling like I need to be at the gym for exercise to count.

And if I don't feel well, I slow down. I nap when I can. I know I need the rest.

I'm very introverted and I'm embracing the fact that I honestly just don't have a lot of energy to be social right now. I trust that as I do take time to do things that give me energy and joy, I will have energy to try to reach out more. I also think I'll l start to meet people more organically as I start doing things I actually enjoy.

Lately I've been making it a point to get out of the house at least once a day with my son and explore our area a bit. We're still pretty new to town and it's honestly been so fun having a little adventure buddy and getting to know the place where we live.

I've been thinking a lot about the Message translation of Matthew 11:28-30 lately:

"28-30 “Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”"

I really feel like God is teaching me His "unforced rhythms of grace" right now.

[zoeykingsthings]

Mara

Happy Sunday, everyone.

I was able talk to my doctor this week and finally was able to get on a new antibiotic. I'm feeling a lot better and am so grateful. Hopefully this is finally the thing that gets rid of whatever this sickness was.

I finally feel like I'm starting to be able to crawl out of the hole I've been in since December. We even made it to church today, for the first time in months.

But again, as I feel like I'm starting to have energy again, starting to be able to move forward again, it's time to pack up, leave, and drive for ten hours to go see extended family again.

My family is meeting up in Florida. I'm excited to see them. It'll also be the first time my brother and his kids will get to meet my son. I'm glad we'll get to see them and I can't wait to see the kids all play together. And honestly, a little warmth and sunshine sounds really nice right now.

But my husband's family is meeting us down there the week after. Things have been so rocky with my mother in law that just the thought of having to interact with her again is casting a dark, looming shadow over this whole trip.

And I hate that. I hate that I'm miserable for weeks thinking about having to see her. I hate that I'm miserable when I'm with her. I hate that it takes me weeks (or in this case, months) to recover from spending time with her. I hate that my husband, who is usually incredibly supportive and understanding, just doesn't see anything odd or hurtful about the comments she makes or the way she interacts with me. I hate that this situation just seems to keep stealing so much of my energy and life and joy.

We drove 15 hours to see my in-laws for Christmas and it was... miserable. My sister-in-law let us know her kids had colds. I asked if they had fevers or had tested positive for anything, and she said they didn't. Shortly after we got together her older kid threw up three times, and her younger one ended up with a fever of 104 something. It's not my sister-in-law's fault, I don't think she knew how sick they were, but it sucked. My son ended up getting an ear infection, and I ended up puking a few times and then ended up with this sinus infection thing that hung on for months afterwards.

And getting sick obviously isn't fun, but it does happen. I think the hard part was more just being around my husband's family when we weren't feeling well. They have a general attitude of just trying to ignore any kind of sickness or pain because they don't want to seem weak, or something? It drives me crazy because I'm someone who likes to address things and deal with things.

I felt like I had a fever and asked my mother in law if they had a thermometer and she said "Oh, we usually just have thermometers around for the kids, for the adults we're just like 'eh, get over it'." Which, you know, made me feel like she thought I was just being a big baby for wanting to check my temperature when I was genuinely, really sick.

My son had a fever for a few days in a row. I called his pediatrician and they said they wanted him to come in to be seen. I told my husband's family that I was going to try to find a local pediatrician that would do a same day appointment. My husband's Dad just looked at my son and was like "Oh he's FINE. He doesn't need to go to a doctor. Nurses will always tell you to go in but come on, he doesn't need it."

... But he ended up needing two rounds of antibiotics.

I guess I just felt really crappy and my son felt really crappy and on top of that we were kind of gaslit about feeling so crappy. It just makes me feel insane.

One night, I was feeling a little better and my in laws offered to watch my son to give my husband and me a date night. That was nice.

But when we got back, my mother in law had my son sitting up by himself in another room. He was only just learning how to do that and wasn't very steady yet and he fell over and bonked his head on the floor. I was a little frustrated she wasn't watching him more closely, but he was fine. I went over to him and picked him up and she scolded me, telling me not to do that, and that she was just leaving him there to figure things out.

It's fine if she has a different parenting style or whatever but I just really didn't feel comfortable with her telling me I was doing something wrong by PICKING UP MY SON. I also hope she can see that just because I do things differently than she might it doesn't mean my way is wrong, either.

She made a few other odd comments before we left. On our last night, I was putting my son to bed at the same time I always put my son to bed and she started saying some odd kind of passive aggressive things. "Oh, why is mom putting you to bed so early? You definitely won't sleep through the night now. We'll see you when you wake up at 3am." ?!

All I could think was that she was sad it was her last night with him there and was mad he had to go to bed, or something? But it was just probably not the best way to express that sentiment. If that's even what it was.

Then, that morning, as we were leaving, she gave me a hat she had knit for my son. It was nice of her to knit a hat for him. But she gave it to me, explaining that it should continue to fit him as he grows until I, inevitably, lose it.

What?

She went on to talk about how she had made a similar hat for my sister-in-law's kids but one day her daughter couldn't find it and I guess that got my mother-in-law mad but jeez lady.

I just always leave my in laws feeling really beat down. It's exhausting.

And this situation with my husband's mom has been ongoing. I've tried gently confronting her when she's said things that have been hurtful, but nothing seems to change. My mom thinks she has a narcissistic personality disorder. She might, I don't know. I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that this is just the way she is and how she communicates.

But where do we go from here?

I feel like God keeps reminding me that I need to forgive. I don't want to hold on to all these microaggressions and little snippy comments. I don't want to let this stew and become bitter.

I feel like God keeps highlighting Hebrews 12:12-17 to me lately:

"12 Therefore strengthen the hands which hang down, and the feeble knees, 13 and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be dislocated, but rather be healed.

14 Pursue peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord: 15 looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled; 16 lest there be any fornicator or [f]profane person like Esau, who for one morsel of food sold his birthright. 17 For you know that afterward, when he wanted to inherit the blessing, he was rejected, for he found no place for repentance, though he sought it diligently with tears."

Those little roots of bitterness sneak in so easily sometimes. The antidote for bitterness is forgiveness. But I guess I'm still figuring out how to forgive when the situation is ongoing and not improving and honestly sometimes feels verbally abusive. How can I forgive someone but still acknowledge they might not be a very healthy person for me to be around? Can I really, truly forgive someone but still know I have to set strong boundaries around them? It's just been a really hard thing to navigate.

They talked about forgiveness today at church. The pastor suggested using this sentence to help us forgive someone:

Dear Lord, because of your grace toward me, I give grace by releasing _________ from what they owe me.

He said that it's hard to really forgive until we remember how much grace and forgiveness has already been shown to us by God. He said it also helps to identify what has been "taken" from you by the other person's offense, and to release that person from what they "owe" you.

I feel like my mother-in-law has taken my time, my energy, my joy, and my peace, and my ability to move forward with my own life. I guess a step to forgiving is releasing her from owing me those things.

More soon,

Love,

Zoey

[zoeykingsthings]

Also, just leaving this beautiful story here.

The thing that scares you is in God's hands. <3

[zoeykingsthings]

ACK

Hello!

Welcome to at least my 53rd attempt at starting a blog. No promises that this thing will go anywhere, but here's hoping that this is the one that sticks.

I started a different blog a few months ago on a different platform, but then, God forbid, someone I KNOW IN REAL LIFE FOUND ME. AND FOLLOWED ME! HOW OFFENSIVE.

And of course I couldn't write anything knowing a casual acquaintance would actually READ it, so obviously the next logical course of action was to run away here to hide in anonymity again.

Yes, I know, I could just make private posts. But, I guess I like the idea that some wonderful strangers who I have no connection to in real life could stumble upon this and enjoy it, or relate to it, or something.

Ah. I am a lady of contradiction. My desire to hide is almost as great as my desire to connect with people.

Anyway, again, hello.

If you can't tell from this frenetic entry, life has been a bit rough lately.

I got sick at the end of December while we were with my in-laws (That's a whole other story). Almost two months and two rounds of antibiotics later, I still haven't kicked whatever this thing is. My 7 month old son has also been sick and hasn't been sleeping well, and I think the sleep deprivation is starting to take a toll. Last night I was convinced that this stupid cough was going to kill me, and I cried thinking about my son having to grow up without his mom.

Not rational thinking, I know. Tomorrow is Monday and I'll go to the doctor again. It'll be okay. I'm just really tired. I feel frustrated that I can't seem to move forward with anything.

In all of this I guess I just keep wondering what God is doing and what He's trying to teach me. A verse that I feel like keeps popping up lately is James 1:2-4:

"2 My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, 3 knowing that the testing of your faith produces [a]patience. 4 But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be [b]perfect and complete, lacking nothing."

I can't say that joy is usually my first reaction when something difficult happens, but unfortunately there are some things that can only be learned through less than pleasant circumstances. God uses the hard things to sanctify us. (And that's a really good thing!)

My husband and I moved to Western North Carolina a few years ago. Despite being here for a little while now I still feel very new and very disconnected. We still haven't quite found our people here yet. I keep asking God what I should do and where I should go to find community. Honestly the only things I've felt like God seems to want me to do right now is to be there for my husband and son and to write. I haven't really been hearing much about church so I just keep pushing ahead - trying to join different groups, but everything just keeps falling flat and not quite working.

Something I feel like God has been showing me is that lately I haven't been trusting HIM to move. I keep trying to listen to God but then do everything out of my own strength. I think that nothing will happen in my life if I don't make it happen myself. I think maybe God is slowing me down now and holding me back because HE is doing something behind the scenes.

The other night, around bedtime, my son was hungry. I put him down, and he, feeling abandoned while his needs went unmet, started screaming. I set up his humidifier and got his bottle ready, but he cried the whole time. As I called to him over his cries, telling him that I was coming and was getting everything ready for him, I couldn't help but feel like maybe God was nudging me, trying to tell me the same thing. :)

More soon,

Love,

Zoey