beans-and-doc

[beans-and-doc]

I’ve decided I’m happy and mentally stable now. Also I’m no longer neurodivergent.

I was never faking, but I’m choosing not to be those things anymore. They were causing too many issues, so I no longer want to be these things.

[beans-and-doc]

Well, as it turns out, the disabilities have disabled me…

Can’t get out of bed to even do simple things.

Everything hurts and I just want to disappear.

Great…

[beans-and-doc]

Happy Pride Month everyone!! I know a lot of negatives are happening and it can be scary to celebrate, but maybe you can do little things like:

- read a queer book

- paint your nails your flag color

- support a LGBTQAI+ business

- watch a gay romance movie

- journal about what your identity means to you

- say your pronouns during an introduction and ask the other person what theirs are

- listen to a queer artist’s music

- much more!

There’s lots of ways to celebrate Pride that aren’t high risks in the state of politics right now. Do what feels right and stay safe!!

[beans-and-doc]

Love it when a hearie “corrects” my ASL because they “took an ASL class in college.” They said the sign for “thank you” is from the lips and straight forward…

…riiiiiiight…

[beans-and-doc]

How do we please the partner? We know…

—not advice for others to follow in a relationship, just how our brain understands things—

…

A) Hide switching/pretend to be the alter they’re dating

B) Making them cum everyday

C) Hide breakdowns/meltdowns so they don’t worry

D) Watch their favorite movie with them

E) Give them a massage- even if it’s in an area you don’t like

F) Say yes when they ask you to do something (as long as it’s at no expense to them)

G) Every time you have a negative thought or doubt, give them a compliment or say something positive to them

H) Lose weight/work on your appearance

I) Only punish yourself in secret, they can never know

—a system who’s trying to get the partner to stay

[beans-and-doc]

Sensitive Topics: Mention of $H and such

(I do not endorse these things, I’m just struggling)

Welcome to another episode of “it’s that time of the day again”! This episode we will be answering the question: Which “disorder” is controlling my perspective?

The situation: Rules fix everything. Do something wrong- punishment. Problems in relationships- please them at whatever cost. Guilt- try to off yourself. Eat too much- starve and throw up. Rules make things simple, follow the rules and things will get better. If you don’t follow the rules… then it’s all Hell and it’s your fault.

Is this thought process:

A) BPD (borderline personality disorder)

B) Autism

C) OCD

D) Other

E) More than one stated above

BONUS ROUND…:

What rules do I need to implement to make everything better, together, and happy again??

And…

How do I get alters in the system to give a damn??

[beans-and-doc]

Dark “humour”

and

Laughing through the pain

How bad is it when your therapist suggests the psych ward??

Like bro… didn’t help before and won’t help now

I’m fine, probably just need a nap

[beans-and-doc]

At me with Polyamorous/Ethical Non-Monogamy book recommendations. Fiction, nonfiction, psychology, sociology, philosophy, etc. All are welcomed, just wanna learn more.

[beans-and-doc]

Is love supposed to be all transactional? Where did the butterflies, excitement, and little gifts go? Now it’s just, “They’re good for us,” and “They love us and we are supposed to love them back.” Is that still love?

I’m so confused…

Do I still love them or do I just feel like I’m supposed to?

[beans-and-doc]

We’ve given up trying to get the partner to learn ASL.

I will try to use my voice and try my best to listen with my hearing aids and read lips.

I’m Deaf and do best with ASL. Speaking is such a struggle and I hate it.

~ caretaker/little [age-slider] (she/ey/ze)

[beans-and-doc]

Sometime just feel lone and depressed and don’t wanna go on no more, ya know?

Feel like imma go insane, nothin ain’t real and no one to talk to

~Co-host (it/xey/ve)

[beans-and-doc]

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GOD

DAMN

I JUST SAW A FINE ASS BOY

And I remembered I’m queer asf lol

~Host (he/ey/they)

[beans-and-doc]

I DON’T UNDERSTAND SOCIAL CUES

I DON’T UNDERSTAND SOCIAL CUES

I DON’T UNDERSTAND SOCIAL CUES

[beans-and-doc]

Suddenly the partner became someone we can’t trust. If they know the truth about the mental health, they’d freak out, get overprotective, and tell on us to the host’s bff or therapist. If they knew how much we’ve been switching, they’d get uncomfortable, not knowing how to act and would ask us how to “fix” things. If we are insecure, they’ll just ask us what they need to say to make us feel better, what they can do instead of initiating, trying to help. They don’t ask personal conversational questions about us anymore, assuming they know the answers, and respond to things in one word answers. When we try to be intimate, they’ll say they’re too tired or just don’t want to— which is fine, but they haven’t initiated anything physical (holding hands, hugs, kisses, intimacy) in what feels like months. They’ve been so defensive and they sit there staring at us when they’re bored because they’re waiting for us to tell them what to do, how not to be bored. God I feel like we are going insane!

They share chores, are kind and respectful, a genuinely good person who is good to us, takes care of us, but there’s just something… missing… stale… I don’t know… like we, as a system, are not doing enough or, rather, doing something wrong.

[beans-and-doc]

We are establishing social rules to keep friends and not drive them away with the madness. So far we have:

- Initiate text only 7a-9:30p (allowed with best friend and partner)

- Two texts in response and then no more until the friend answers

- Consecutive reply texts no more than 7 minutes apart

- After the two texts permitted, cannot recontact friend for 70 hours and must reply a new subject topic

- No more than 3 alters switching out to text or talk during one day, if switched more the alter out cannot reply and must wait til the next day

- No mentions of sh or desires related to harm

- No talking about trauma (allowed with best friend and partner)

[beans-and-doc]

How do DID systems go about therapy as a whole? The therapist says, “There’s too much going on,” referring to the constant switching and me attending therapy as of late instead of the host , and, “How do I act? I’d have to put together files of all of you to keep things straight. I’m used to [host’s name].” The therapist tells me, to tell the host, that they hope the host comes back next week.

I understand it’s hard and I understand the therapist can’t be expected to have us all as patients, but we— as a whole— need therapy.