c-r-o-a-k-e-d

[c-r-o-a-k-e-d]

Guilt

Waking up in the morning

It’s me and you

Eating breakfast you sit next to me

Silent

Watching

On my drive you speak up.

You know what you’ve done

I turn my music up.

At work I clock in

Side by side we work

You pass me words on sticky notes.

Shame

Pathetic

Hated

Lunch time approaches.

You have time.

You’ll be all alone.

Nobody to stop you.

I sit alone in my car.

An empty parking lot around me.

An instrument in hand.

Do it

Nobody can see you but me.

You’re always there.

Never straying far.

You flow through every word I speak.

Growing stronger with each word.

Nobody knows why you exist.

Nobody will ever truly know the things you do.

And you make sure I never forget.

I clock back in.

You’re beside me.

Silenced for now.

Slight reprieve.

A reward for listening to you.

[c-r-o-a-k-e-d]

At that point where I want someone to lovebomb me and manipulate me as long as I can play my games and be loved? I’ll do anything. Like why can’t someone be obsessed with me and need me and idk I’m fucking sick in the head and tired

[c-r-o-a-k-e-d]

can someone just hold me in their arms? I don’t care if you use me or not. I just want to be told I’m needed and loved. You can do whatever you want to me just love me please. I need someone to tell me they need me so I have a reason to keep going.

[c-r-o-a-k-e-d]

I only ever hurt people. I don’t mean to. It’s never my intent. I spoil shows and they get upset. I don’t want to play games and they get upset. I don’t know what I’ve done and they still get upset. I contribute nothing. I’m a useless piece of scum that needs to be scraped off someone’s shoe. Can someone scrape me already?

[c-r-o-a-k-e-d]

Nvm I’m better now just had a moment 🤪

I actually don’t know what to do. I thought I was doing so good and then they said essentially that I seemed like someone who wanted to hurt them. holy fucking shit what did I do. What did I do to seem so scary. holy shit I need to cut I need to fucking cut so badly it’s driving me insane. I’m 44 days clean please don’t do this to me my entire days been split after split after losing my fucking mind I’m on my last fucking straw here if anything else goes wrong I’m either getting high which might fuck up my meds, drunk, or cutting.

[c-r-o-a-k-e-d]

Not even half an hour later. Fuck this option D: masturbate and if the feelings don’t go away I’ll fucking figure it out I don’t care anymore.

I actually don’t know what to do. I thought I was doing so good and then they said essentially that I seemed like someone who wanted to hurt them. holy fucking shit what did I do. What did I do to seem so scary. holy shit I need to cut I need to fucking cut so badly it’s driving me insane. I’m 44 days clean please don’t do this to me my entire days been split after split after losing my fucking mind I’m on my last fucking straw here if anything else goes wrong I’m either getting high which might fuck up my meds, drunk, or cutting.

[c-r-o-a-k-e-d]

I actually don’t know what to do. I thought I was doing so good and then they said essentially that I seemed like someone who wanted to hurt them. holy fucking shit what did I do. What did I do to seem so scary. holy shit I need to cut I need to fucking cut so badly it’s driving me insane. I’m 44 days clean please don’t do this to me my entire days been split after split after losing my fucking mind I’m on my last fucking straw here if anything else goes wrong I’m either getting high which might fuck up my meds, drunk, or cutting.

[c-r-o-a-k-e-d]

Omfg how do I deal with splitting do I just power through that shit? Do I go “yeah I don’t actually hate this person I know they do so much for me and love me and are wonderful” but for fucks sake it sucks when I am in such a fucking mood everything they do pisses me off

[c-r-o-a-k-e-d]

Oh boy you don’t just realize what you did…

[c-r-o-a-k-e-d]

I feel like a terrible person. I’m not. I know I’m kind. I care. I’m empathetic. And my friends say I’m caring and sweet. But I want someone to be obsessed with me. I want someone to be obsessed and need me and like kidnap me and make sure I can’t leave them but they love me so it’s not like they do it to hurt me but they will hurt me if they see it needed and more so when they see I need it. Type shit.

[c-r-o-a-k-e-d]

I’m glad I knew you too.

Knew, huh?

Mm…

...hey. Wouldn’t it be funny if this night was the last time we ever talked to each other?

…

…

[c-r-o-a-k-e-d]

Not sure if I want to cut myself in a depressed kinda way or get cut in a masochistic way. Either way I’m really craving feeling the sting right now and that sucks. 38 days clean though. Hooray.

[c-r-o-a-k-e-d]

Intro 🥀

MDNI.

Name: just call me croaked

Age: 21

Vent blog. Will use to express any and all emotions and thoughts. But likely won’t use too much

Info: bisexual, genderfluid, BPD, depression, anxiety, adhd. More to be determined when I eventually get my psych eval.