cowboykillers

[cowboykillers]

IT’S PALM SUNDAY!

[cowboykillers]

I have complex feelings about my gender presentation. I have always liked wearing boys/men’s clothes and wasn’t into girly things. When I was younger when judgmental people asked me about this I said it was because I was a tomboy. Well it got worse the older I got. I was bullied and harassed for the way I looked and the clothes I wore. It was such a painful time in my life that still eats away at me. After high school, I made a conscious effort to be more neutral so to speak and got upset when people would insult me by saying I was masculine. I don’t feel as bad about stuff like that anymore after deep reflection but I just still feel at an impasse. I’m too masculine or not masculine enough and this has been more evident in friendships and dating with other women. And it’s just so frustrating I’m just trying to be me, I’m not trying to conform to heteronormative gender roles or being someone I’m not so you can prove how “queer” you are. I just feel like I’ll never find a woman who will accept me for me. 😢

[cowboykillers]

Online dating is really tough as a woman seeking women. On the rare occasion I match with someone, I get the nerve to write the first message because it’s better to assume the other person won’t. Then they don’t respond...Why did you match with me then?

[cowboykillers]

082. Jets to Brazil - “You’re the One I Want” what can I do? i’m in love with you and it won’t stop. you’re the one i want. 

[cowboykillers]

Old flyers

thanks to Jeff Hong

[cowboykillers]

I miss you so much, I wish you would reach out. 😣

[cowboykillers]

Was thinking about something random and funny. I wonder if you never watched the L Word or did, and disavowed it because of “sexual sins.” Yikes.

[cowboykillers]

This has been the worst year. Nothing feels right between work, school, home life, and friendships. For the first time in my life I have been consistently depressed, and I have been feeling like there is no hope and nothing to look forward to. Everything sucks I guess.

[cowboykillers]

I still don’t know why it hurts so much knowing you don’t want anything to do with me. It also sucks that I keep thinking that you’re better than you actually are.

[cowboykillers]

Five years ago, I made a bet with a person who I’m no longer friends with. I bet her that in five years I still would be single and never have dated anyone. She thought I would find someone, and I told her nope won’t happen so whoever’s right will get $5. Well it’s been five years and I was right. Where’s my $5 Summer?

[cowboykillers]

You’ll know I’ve given up when I become a manager in retail or date men. At this moment I have the qualifications for management but I’ve always thought of doing that as settling and have the ambition to do something more fulfilling and fitting of my personality. Sure I’ve been in school for years, but I haven’t given up. I have nothing against men I’m just not attracted to them because I’m gay. There’s so many more men than gay women, and sometimes I feel so lonely and touch starved I consider it. Then I remember ultimate happiness is life and marriage with a woman. I’m repulsed at the thought of kissing a man, and accidental pregnancy is a nightmare. If I were to have children I can’t picture myself carrying one or raising one with a man.

[cowboykillers]

I want you to know that you didn’t get the full brunt of my feelings-the anger and sadness that I felt from your words. I’ve been told since I was younger that I’m a talented writer and I hope the words I wrote to you stung. They were passive aggressive with the intent to make you feel bad, guilty, and see that people can make important moral decisions without consulting God. I want to know how you felt to read those words; I intentionally sent them early in the day so I could ruin your day like you did mine. I don’t think that my words had the effect I had hoped, I think they just made you mad and feeling like I was a bad person. A day after sending you the message I made a mundane post hoping you would see it and would be reminded of what I said. Interestingly I saw not long after, you blocked me which I was kinda wanting because I didn’t understand why we were still following each other if we weren’t friends anymore, and I kinda wanted to burn it all down and make you hurt like you hurt me.

 Two weeks have past since our final conversation, and I still don’t understand your actions. Even if you don’t want to admit it, we were somewhere between friends and relationship. Is that why you said we couldn’t even be friends anymore?

This time reflecting on our severed relationship has made realize things about you, myself, and the world. I realized that you are a narcissist (except during your depressive episodes), immature, close minded, and don’t actually like learning as you claimed because if you did you would be open to people to different experiences and opinions. I also learned that you are one of the types of people who had caused me great pain in the past, people that preach about sin, forgiveness, and not passing judgment and live their lives by a rulebook as their moral guide but do not follow it themselves and use it to pass judgment and hurt onto others. For myself, it taught me that all girls are capable of using other people (regardless of sexual orientation) for validation and attention, my doubt and anxiety is sometimes right, I never want to do someone what you did to me, and that I was wrong thinking that there were people out there that would accept me unconditionally and would understand me (which was so disappointing considering you are a lesbian too). Our time together widened my view on classism. Before I even knew you I thought you might be the type who would look down on others who didn’t share your upper class background, but I overlooked that because I thought you never know just by looking at a profile who a person really is. Before I had only seen classism through the university system where young adults and professors looked down on working class students, or in government settings where the workers looked down and pitied the working class, poor, homeless, and addicts. You looked down on me for where I lived and where I work even though I’m an educated person (and have more education than you!!!) with the determination to change my situation because I’ve been actively working to. I had never experienced someone looking down on me for that, and I’m further convinced because you wanted to know how much money I make. 

It just doesn’t make sense for someone who claims to be so good and pious to harshly judge someone for their class, background, and not being religious. It was ironic to me that I, an athiest who follows my own sense of right and wrong and treats people with kindness seemed to be the better person and more tolerant of differences. Your actions before and after, have always confused me. I guess we’re both contradictory people though. We both have little or no friends (yours is by choice and mine is not), I see you as an immature person based on how you handle your relationships and emotions, you see me as an immature person for my job and my living situation, I see you as a person who acts morally superior because of religion but isn’t actually a good person, you see me as lacking morals for my lack of religion despite everyone else telling me how much of good person I am (or seeing me as prudish or stuck up because of my wholesomeness), I see you as a snob who has no empathy for the working class and poor, you see me as peasant who comes from a peasant background with no desire to change my situation. 

I deleted our text threads, message threads, and your phone number. Despite all of this, I miss you and want you to realize your mistake and reach out and apologize. I know that won’t happen. I’m hoping that I can heal and stop aching and feeling lonely when I know you initially felt nothing (based on how unfeeling and impersonal that last message was), but now probably feel anger over me. 

[cowboykillers]

This has been a brutal period between the crying, self-deprecating, and agitation.

[cowboykillers]

It sucks that my initial impression of you was right. That you were classist, a heartbreaker, and used your faith as an act of being a good person. Despite that I’m a believer in giving people chances because my impression could’ve been wrong. Your write off that read like a rejection letter was a slap in the face. It felt very impersonal and insensitive especially considering that you knew that it would ruin my whole day. That was pretty heartless. It’s true that age doesn’t always reflect maturity, and that’s definitely the case for you. You think I’m immature when you can’t even tell the truth or tell what you’re really feeling unless confronted. I got the impression that you’re the reason that you don’t have friends and why you had a messy breakup.

[cowboykillers]

We used to text almost every day. My low self esteem tells me it’s more than you being busy because even when you were busy you still texted me. Trying to cool down my anxiety I tell myself she’s been having a hard time with work lately and could be going through a depressive episode. I’ve decided that I’m going to try my hardest to not initiate because I’ve been in that situation before and it made me feel really shitty. So I’m hoping you eventually reach out to me.

[cowboykillers]

So many times the past few days there were things I wanted to text you. I stopped myself though because I didn’t want to bother you. I’ve been feeling like I’m a nuisance and you were just being polite. So I’m going to try my hardest to not give in and text you, and remind myself you probably don’t want to talk to me and wait for you to reach out.

[cowboykillers]

Ever since we hung out things have seemed different between us, and I mean in a bad way. Like you’re putting distance between us. From the beginning, I’ve kept my options open because you let me know you’re a heartbreaker. I’m trying not to get too anxious and think about what this all means, and have been trying to find other girls. Then I remember they won’t be like you. You share my values and understand my personal struggles more than anyone else has. You also seem like you would accept my inexperience. I thought before meeting you that no one like that existed. It’s been bumming me out that we haven’t been talking like we were before and that these feelings that have been building up really may have been one sided.