dohart

[dohart]

Pocelain goose

Joshua Pearce x GN!Reader

While looking for a gift for Jodie's birthday in a thrift store Joshua meets an interesting person.

I didn't wanna rewatch the whole movie and incouldnt find any name other than Cashman

Jodie's birthday was approaching at an alarming speed, the days seeming shorter every time, time running out for Joshua to buy her a proper present and some clothes for himself to wear at the event. It wasn't black tie or anything, just a small gathering held in Jodie's parent's back garden on the outskirts of Chester. That was the issue, what do you wear to a party like that? Ever since the team got to know each other a bit better, Joshua realised how lonely he was, well not anymore but before that. He hadn't attended a not-fancy birthday party since highschool, and even then it was more about getting shitfaced than really being friends. Recently he realised that somehow even with all the parties, all the publicity and all the events, driving ate up his social life leaving him almost completely alone save some close friends and now, the team.

Back to the issue. Joshua Pearce had forty eight hours to figure out what to buy Jodie and what to wear at her party.

He decided to leave the gift last, hoping that buying clothes would come easier but he soon realised how hard it is to buy yourself clothes when it's not a sponsorship or just something basic that fits your brand style. That was the big issue, Joshua didn't want to show up in black and whites or designer stuff. He wanted to make it simple, elegant but most importantly, him. That was difficult as he wasn't sure what his style was anymore, sponsors and his cousin dictating what clothes he wore for the past few years.

The mall was suffocating, thousands of people moving as a human wave, some escaping the heat, others shopping but Joshua felt like they were all looking at him. He squeezed trough the crowds, walking into stores with his head low and sunglasses still on, browsing clothes in an increasingly erratic way before giving up and bolting towards the next shop, then the next one, then the next one, until he exhausted all his options, he stood in front of an electronics store, sweating and slightly nauseous, surprised and mad at himself for getting so worked up over a little shopping when his job was driving potentially his own casket every day. Whatever, he was over it, he'd just wear something from his wardrobe and call it a day, finding Jodie a gift was more important. Joshua asked around for some tips on what to buy her but ended up with mostly model cars that were already sold out, words he didn't even understand and finally, vintage geese. That one was surprising at first when Joshua found out that Jodie had a wide and varied collection of vintage geese figures that she cherished dearly, he set his sight on getting one of those for her, as it seemed the most straight forward.

A small thrift store stood on a narrow street not far away from the mall. Joshua walked there as he didn't want to move his car just to struggle finding parking in a potentially iffy area. The shop was nothing out of the ordinary, the closest option that popped up when looking up the words “second hand” on maps. As he entered, sunglasses staying on, the strong smell of old clothes and citrusy air fresheners hit his nose. The inside of the shop was cramped with a few smaller back rooms to separate the clothes from other items. He made his way towards the back, the lighting becoming increasingly dimmer making it harder to see, but Joshua would be caught dead before he took the shades off, he had no patience for any potential fans today. Before he could reach the back of the shop where decorative items were stacked on shelves he collided with something hard hanging from the ceiling, he recoiled and after a missed step back fell right on his ass between two rows of musty leather coats, holding the spot on his forehead that he was sure would end up bruised from this.

As he sat there trying to think through the pulsating pain he heard hurried footsteps approach him.

“Sir, are you okay? Do you want me to call an ambulance?” The cashier, who Joshua barely paid any mind to when walking past the register a few moments ago kneeled on the ground next to him, looking at him with a worried expression.

You were about to max a level on candy crush when you heard the telltale noise of a human head colliding with a vintage hanging candle holder, a sound oh so sweet when your boss was on the receiving end of it but that much more concerning as he was currently not in the shop. The sound was followed but a thump then a groan. You got up from behind the register and hurried towards the sound where you found the man who had come into the shop a few minutes earlier - not even glancing your way or saying hello - sitting on the ground and holding his forehead with a pained face. You quickly got down to his level, asking him questions that you got no reaction to so you decided to assess the damage yourself.

“I'm gonna take these off for a moment, Sir.” Your hands were pulling the sunglasses off before he could protest, revealing his eyes and the indents the top of the frames made into his skin when hitting his head. Thankfully it seemed like there were no serious external injuries so after seeing there was nothing you could actually really help with you got up from the ground, looking down at the man who seemed like a stunned statue since you took the glasses off.

“Do you need some help standing up?” You held out a hand awkwardly, he shook his head but took your hand anyways, you pulled him up from the floor almost sending him into the candle holder again.

“Thanks.” He grabbed the sunglasses you were still holding in your other hand and put them back on his head, then hesitated and finally put them in his pocket, folded up. You stood in the tight hallway between the wall covered in shelves holding books and small items, and a rack of old coats in silence for a few beats before you spoke.

“Can I help you find anything?” You tried to put on your best customer service voice, the man stood, looking in every direction like a shy middle schooler.

“I'm looking for a ~~~~~” the words that came out of his mouth became more quiet and muttered at the end of the sentence so you had no idea what he wanted.

“Sorry?” He looked at you, slight annoyance and embarrassment on his face.

“A goose.” What?

“What?”

“I'm looking for some porcelain goose figurine, or a duck or whatever, just a bird with a flat beak.” His hands lifted, animated as he became visibly worked up as the words went on.

“Oh okay for sure!” You started leading him to the back where you had all the porcelain figurines. “I actually see those often. Old ladies love the little geese-” you turned around to look at the man who was following you still on edge “-and then we get them…when the old ladies like…die that is.”

“Mhm.” He looked at you, not entirely sure of himself. To ease him you turned to the shelf to look for some geese, his phone buzzed and he took it out of his pocket, tapping urgently. You found what you wanted quickly, a friendly looking little goose perched on top of a strawberry, hand painted and probably well loved by its previous owner. You turned back to the man who was still texting, you tried to make some polite small talk to gain his attention without seeming rude.

“Do you like formula one?” He jumped at your question, almost dropping his phone, he looked at you wide eyed for a second before asking.

“Yeah why?”

“Sorry-” you felt the need to apologise for spooking him, even though you felt more and more annoyed by his behaviour. “You have the logo of like that team, the….Apex something on your cap, that's why I asked.” He sighed at that, seemingly relieved.

“Yes I watch it…sometimes.” He still seemed uneasy.

“I don't know much about it, but my flatmate watches it all the time and I join when I have nothing better going on.” He nodded along as you talked. “I like when we get to hear what the drivers are saying, it's honestly more interesting than the commentary because you get like an inside view, you know?”

“Yea, I know.” Joshua laughed to ease the tension only he himself was feeling, he eased up a bit knowing you weren't likely to recognise him and feeling a bit silly for even worrying so much. These past few weeks obviously took a toll on him, he was getting paranoid for nothing.

He looked at the goose you were holding. It looked, jovial, like an old children's book illustration, just like Jodie.

“Perfect, thanks.” He snatched the bird from your hand and turned it over a few times.

“Happy to help.” You smiled politely, he was a customer after all. “Would you like help with anything else?” You followed up with the well practiced question.

The guy looked around a few times, not entirely sure of himself before asking.

“I think I need some new clothes, I'm going to a friend's birthday but I don't own anything like-” he stopped to look for the words to use “normal?”

“Can I ask what you mean by that?” That was the worst thing a customer could say because what the fuck is “normal” supposed to be. Of course you didn't say that out loud though you did feel a tiny little muscle under your eye twitch.

“I don't really wear casual or not branded clothes because of…” he trailed off here for a moment “my job. So I need something casual but like, not too casual.” Joshua explained, keeping his wording vague and general. You nodded thoughtfully, eyes moving through the rows of clothes in the enclosed space.

“Okay, I think I can help.”

Fifty-seven minutes later Joshua stepped out of the store, his purchase neatly tucked in a primark bag that had a sticker with the thrift's logo slapped on it. He ended up buying two linen button-up’s - one beige, one sage green - that you had described as “Not like fancy but more of a beach shirt, you get me?” He did not get you but what did he know, and a pair of dark red-brown dress pants that had a very nice texture to it. You told him to wear the shirts with just some jeans if the dress pants felt too formal and thanked you for your advice. He also didn't forget about the goose, the animal wrapped neatly in some newspaper from years ago, extra padding around it's fragile neck.

Twenty-four hours before Jodie's birthday Joshua stood in front of his cousin in his new clothes, itching under the man's scrutinising gaze.

“Ever think of growing a big moustache?” Sam walked around Joshua, looking him over.

“What? Why?” Joshua looked at himself feeling more and more silly by the minute.

“You look like Nigerian Freddie Mercury right now man that's why I'm asking if you plan a change of career.” Joshua deadpanned while his cousin giggled at his own joke.

“Alright mate fuck you, I'm not asking you for advice anymore.” Joshua walked back to his room, his cousin following him while making worse and worse jokes likening Joshua to celebrities of the past. The teasing ended when his mother decided to stop by, finding her son in nothing but underwear while Sam was wiping his tears from laughing, clothes all over the apartment.

Fifteen minutes before the agreed upon time Joshua parked near the address he was given. He ended up wearing the green shirt with an old pair of washed out blue jeans that was left over from his pre-formula one years on the bottom of his drawer. Thankfully he used to like baggier style clothes so the pants surprisingly fit like a glove. His mother said he looked relaxed but classy, his cousin said he looked like a male manipulator, Joshua decided to take that as a partial win. Ten minutes before the time he was supposed to arrive Joshua nervously stood at the door, hesitating to press the bell. He felt so stupid, like a middle schooler going to his first birthday party. He hated this feeling, he wasn't supposed to be a stressful situation this was a fucking birthday party, Jodie the world's least argumentative person's party at that. Yet somehow shooting off towards his own doom on a rain slicked circuit road seemed like a more peaceful situation at the moment.

Eight minutes before the party officially started Joshua Pearce pressed the doorbell. It rang three times, sounding like the bells of heaven, feeling like the bells of doom.

Soon Joshua heard walking and then Jodie opened the door, her face lit up at the sight of him looking like a sunflower in the green dress she was wearing.

“You actually came.” Jodie said, almost relieved while she herded Joshua towards the mudroom. Of course he came, why wouldn't he? Shame and horror came down upon him. Did Jodie really think he would not come after promising? He knew he used to be really harsh and still could get a bit overly angry sometimes, and he would never stop apologising for it but did he really act so harshly as to make the girl believe he wouldn't even come to her invitation. Jodie was still smiling softly, she just seemed to be like that naturally, except when Joshua yelled at her that is, now he felt even worse. He quickly took of his shoes and let his friend - it was still weird to think about her like that - lead him towards the backyard.

“Only one person is here right now because most of the team is stuck in traffic on the M56 and most of my friends from back here are not the most punctual people, but I'm sure you'll get on great.” Jodie basically shoved Joshua out to the garden before hurrying back to a room that he supposed was the kitchen. He put down the decorative bag that had his gifts inside then lifted his head only to be met with your face.

“We meet again.” You joked, already nursing a drink in your hand and chugging it before walking closer to Joshua. “I see you decided to wear the shirt i recommended, looks good.” You pinched at the fabric on his shoulder, smoothing it out in the process. “I'm Y/N by the way, didn't really introduce ourselves before.” You stretched a hand towards him wich he shook after a moment of hesitation.

“I'm Joshua….Pearce.” He hesitated when saying his name, still worried he would be seen as an opportunity to gather fame. You shook his hand amicably, smiling at him politely but not with the same face you made back in the store.

“Your name is pretty familiar, and now that i think about it your face is too. Are you sure we haven't met before or something, like at Jodie's or at a club or something?” Joshua shook his head before you could finish, denying ever meeting you before a few days ago, you nodded and agreed suspicious but still smiling.

Your conversation after that flowed easly, it was mostly you who talked as Joshua felt more and more awkward as Jodie's friends kept arriving, still no sign of anyone from the team. You on the other hand seemed like you knew almost everyone, and even those who you didn't know you talked to easly while also keeping your cup full at all times. Two hours after the agreed time, the Apex team arrived, very late, very sorry and mainly very annoyed and all complaining about the car crash that caused their tardiness. Jodie of course seemed to not even notice how late they were, she welcomed them warmly reassuring them that the cake would have waited for them anyways. Joshua eased up a bit, you had left to go to the toilet a few minutes ago so he took the opportunity to go over to his friends, finally some people he knew. Even though almost everyone in the team had their own cars, they all ended up coming together as Ruben proposed to give everyone a lift in the minibus he used to transport staff from time to time, a smart idea at the time. Joshua was the only one to decline, he liked being behind the wheel. When they saw him, most of the team gaped at his outfit. Not that it was anything revolutionary, but that they had never seen him wear something so “relaxed” as Kate put it. Sam of course took the opportunity to tease him again but Joshua decided to simply ignore his comments.

When night fell Jodie asked everyone to gather around a big patio table and some of her friends together with a woman who Joshua found out was her older sister and your flatmate brought out a round cake, shaped and decorated to look like the wheel of a car. On the top were two number candles and a topper shaped like a formula one car. Joshua made eye contact with Jodie for a second, the girl smiled and looked away, obviously slightly embarrassed. Jodie blew out the candles, everyone clapping and cheering as she cut the cake, giving everyone a slice.

“Joshua.” She turned to him with a plate holding a slice in her hand. “I hope you can eat this. I know as a driver you have to keep a strict diet but i was hoping, you know.” She held out the plate towards him and Joshua took it, smiling at her.

“Wouldn't miss it for the world.” Jodie was obviously pleased with his answer as she smiled cutting a slice for the next person. Joshua looked around meeting your eyes. You already had an empty plate in hand, waiting for your turn to get a slice. When you noticed him looking at you you lifted your eyebrows cockly and took the plate in two hands, turning it like a steering wheel.

After the cake a round of drinks was passed and glasses clinked together followed by blessings and well wishes for Jodie. Soon, the commotion died down and people went back to talking, eating and lounging around in the back garden and living room. The only noticeable difference was the sway in some people's steps that seemed to multiply as the night went on. Joshua himself could feel the effect of the many glasses he'd had, not planning to get drunk but always nursing a drink just to have his hands busy. When he started to feel the world start to turn around him he decided to go in and sit down somewhere secluded, lucky for him he found the stairs leading to the second floor in a small hallway just outside of view but within earshot in case someone called out for him. He sat there, finishing his drink - only so he wouldn't spill it of course - when you appeared out of nowhere. Your steps were not entirely linear and your hand glided across the wall for some support, you smiled when you saw him.

“Trying to get some peace and quiet, handsome?” the flirting was an obvious joke, but in his drunken mind it still did something. He wasn't blind, he could notice when someone was attractive and he did, specifically with you. You sat down next to him on the narrow stairs, forcing him to scoot closer to the wall to make you space, your thighs still pressed together from the proximity. “You didn't tell me you were a race car driver.” You mock pouted. “Now I feel really stupid for asking you about your hat, and also for not recognising you.” You buried your face in one hand, slightly ashamed but obviously not overly so, you didn't expect from yourself to know every single celebrity out there.

“I don't mind actually.” Joshua smiled lightly, rubbing his finger over the rim of his empty glass. “I am glad you didn't. Most people who i meet are either fans or want something for me and like-” he sighed stretching out his arm to put his glass on a hall table. “-I love my fans, they make my day but it's impossible to breed genuine connections when people already have an image of you.” He looked at you, hoping to find you understanding. You nodded.

“If it makes you feel better I actually had no idea who you were until I looked up your name while on the toilet.” An involuntary cough left Joshua at your bluntness.

“What?” He laughed genuinely.

“Dont laugh at me! I hoped to find like your socials or something. Instead I see your face in like magazines and in ads.” You also burst out laughing at that. For the next few minutes you laughed until you managed to contain yourselves to shoulder shaking and giggles. Joshua felt liberated to a level, not being known felt good, talking with you felt better. So you talked, or at least he listened while you talked about everything under the sun, sometimes injecting some of his own so the conversation wouldn't be so one sided. At some point he asked you to show him where the bathroom was and you led him upstairs joking about “holding his hair” if he needed to puke. As the door closed silence set in. Of course he could still hear the music filtering in from the party and he could make out your fingers tapping on the wooden doorframe as you waited for him but within this tiled room it was calm. While washing his hands he looked at himself in the mirror, not looking for anything specific but soaking in that peculiar out of body feeling one has when drunk. He thought about Jodie and how happy she looked today, about all the people who talked to him without mentioning his job at all, about the team and finally, about you. How your thighs pressed close when sitting on those stairs, how your lips moved and how animated you became when talking about people you disliked. Knocking at the door.

“Man you didn't pass out right?” Your voice was jokey but hinted at worry, he quickly dried his hands and left the bathroom, reassuring you that he just got caught up thinking.

You didn't go back down. You stayed in the hallway of the second floor, stood close to each other and talked about anything. The proximity wasn't forced anymore but you still decided to stand close enough together that your knees touched as you leaned on the wall, then your hands, then your shoulders. Finally you were close enough as to feel each other's breath on your skin. Joshua could tell this wasn't one sided, you both moved, inched ever closer waiting for the other to take the next step, so he decided to do just that.

Joshua leaned in, lips almost touching yours while he waited for you to pull away and when you didn't he pressed further. You kissed back almost immediately, no hesitation in Our actions as you guided his back against the wall so he could lean his whole weight on it and in turn, you could lean on him. Your hands slowly glided up his side sending small sparks of a tickling sensation up his spine. Joshua deepened the kiss, only letting up when he ran out of air and wobbled, remembering the alcohol still coursing through him. You steadied him, smiling at him but obviously holding back your laughter as to not hurt him.

“Maybe we should sit down.” He nodded.

“Maybe.” You led him to a nearby room and pushed him on the single bed that was pushed to the corner. He grabbed your belt loops to drag you with him, making you yelp as you were forced to kneel above him.

“Well hello there.” You smiled before diving back to make out, he kissed back until he got lightheaded, gasping for air. You let up on him and decided to focus on other parts, slowly kissing down his jaw and then neck. You worked on his jugular when you noticed he stopped moving, his hands resting on your back motionless. You whipped your head up to find his eyes closed, mouth slightly open.

“Shit.” You put your hand under his nose to check his breathing. Thankfully he seemed alive. “Joshua.” You shook him a little, whisper yelling. He startled, eyes opening.

“Wha-what?” He tried to get up but you kept him down.

“I think it's best if we both sleep.” You laughed, suddenly hoarse and sobered up. He only nodded before letting his head drop back on the pillow. You didn't move from your position, letting your head fall on his chest as his steady heartbeat lulled your to sleep.

Next morning felt like death. You woke up to Joshua and his cousin, that Sam guy talking, trying more or less to not wake you. You were laying on the floor with only your legs up in Joshua's lap. You must have fallen off the bed during the night, happens to the best of us. You drowsyl prepped up your body on your elbows looking around with your head lulling side to side, you didn't have a headache which was a blessing but nausea gnawed at your stomach. Joshua and Sam paused at your movement. Joshua gently took your legs off his lap and got out of bed asking if you were okay in the meantime, you only nodded. After a few more words they said their hushed goodbyes and left the room leaving you on the floor with your flatmate standing in the doorway.

“If you fucked in my childhood bed with all my lego figurines watching im burning everything you own.” She crossed her arm, you smiled and turned to the side, back cracking from a night spent on the hard floor.

“I don't have to worry then. Never made it there.”

Joshua woke up to a splitting headache and the absence of your body heat against his own. He slowly opened his eyes, blindly tapping his pockets until he fished out his phone. A few missed calls, millions of messages, Jesus. Joshua opened the team group chat where most of the messages came from. Most of them consisted of people wondering where he was with more and more urgency until finally someone sent a picture. Joshua opened it. It was you and him, peacefully snuggled up on the bed in the night. Joshua groaned as he continued scrolling the messages only half reading their contents until a next picture appeared, this time taken only a few minutes ago. He was still laying on the bed as usual except you were on the floor sprawled out with your legs thrown in his lap. He opened his eyes in surprise and looked down to find you were in fact still there, the weight of your legs over this going unnoticed previously. Before he could get up the door opened revealing his cousin, phone in hand, ready to take a pic. Joshua frowned up at him.

After you managed to get up you dragged yourself down to the kitchen, nursing a cup of tea as you weren't sure anything solid would stay put in your body for long. Your phone buzzed.

– [Hello]

– [It's Joshua]

– [I asked Jodie for your number, I hope it's okay]

– [Would love to continue what we started sometime]

You smiled at your phone, giddy like you just got asked out on your first date.

– [Would love that too]

[dohart]

What is there for me without the sea

Lukas Radzevičius x Alanas Brasas

Written 2025.07.05

Alanas finds Lukas in the water while walking on the beach.

Alanas often came to the beach to smoke at night. He rationalized that the salty air will cancel out the tar that he rhythmically inhaled as he walked. It was calm around this time, all the tourists had gone home and the sandy shore was only littered by a few small groups of teenagers, free from their long year at school and couples who shared their love in the shadows. Alanas saw himself in these people often. A loud teen sending older friends to the store to buy something cheap and a hopeless romantic gazing into the eyes of girls who meant nothing of the things they said all those nights. Now Alanas walked on the shore, the farther away from the bustling beach bars, the less people sat in the sand until finally, the beach was completely empty. Alanas was smoking his second cigarette, beautiful sceneries always made him crave them more, almost like a pavlovian reflex. He had his headphones on him, but wasn't listening to anything in particular, he was thinking about the band, the bands to be more exact, and his solo songs too, he loved music but thinking about his career too hard made his breathing quicken and heart speed up. The therapist said it was just anxiety, he could have guessed that himself, always worried. When the bands were doing bad he worried about what would happen to them and when the bands were doing good he always worried about when it would be over, a never ending cycle of what-ifs.

As Alanas was nearing the end of where the lights of the beach reached he spotted a figure a few meters in the water. Crazy person, was his first thought, but as he got closer to the figure it seemed more and more familiar to him. The man was standing about knee deep in the water but every wave hit his mid thighs, yet he didn't flinch. His blonde hair was pushed back by a pair of sunglasses, dark roots sprouting from his scalp like thawing grass in spring.

“Lu-Lukas?” Alanas took his headphones off while saying the others' names, not quite yelling, hoping that he would hear. But the blonde didn't budge, lost in the waves, looking almost like a statue, a contemporary art piece left at the beach at night to be discovered by people in the morning. “Lukas!” Alanas yelled this time but the other disregarded it again, or maybe he didn't hear. Alanas grunted in annoyance before taking his shoes and socks off, the sand was long cold for the sun had set hours earlier but the weather was nice, he cuffed up his pants before making his way into the water and towards his friend. As he got closer he noticed Lukas' closed eyes and the earphones he had in, humming along to a song while gently swaying with the water, fingertips ever so slightly touching the waves as they crashed against his legs.

“Lukas.” Alanas put a hand on the others shoulder, Lukas almost jumped, somewhere deep he did but his body didn't follow his instincts so he slowly turned towards Alanas while taking out an earbud.

“Alanas.” He frowned a bit, even the small amount of light stinking his eyes after the time he spent in comfortable darkness.

“Yes it's me. What are you doing here?” Alanas tugged on his friend's shoulder, pulling him away from the water and towards the beach, Lukas followed him willingly, not sure as to what the answer to Alanas’ question would be. By the time he responded they were on the sand and Alanas was putting his shoes back on, cringing at his socks sticking to his wet feet.

“I was at a party with Emilija.” Yes, Alanas knew that much. He himself was invited to that party but decided to skip when he found out a particularly painful ex would be present, this wasn't the question he asked.

“I know that, what I'm asking is what you were doing in the water, alone.” Lukas looked at him, eyes beautiful as always but this time, unlike usually, they held no thoughts. “Lukas how drunk are you exactly?” Alanas asked, moving his head and watching his friend follow with his eyes, those eyes.

“A lot.” At least he was honest. Alanas chuckled at the bluntness, grabbing Lukas' slightly drenched sleeve.

“Come on, I don't know who's place you were supposed to sleep tonight, but you're coming home with me.” Lukas moved at the first tug, willing and pliable in this state, trusting his friend to keep him safe.

The tram ride and walk to Alanas' apartment was quick and eventless, Lulas wobbled from side to side like a bowling pin threatening to fall, but he never did. He pointed out every small thing to Alanas, telling him the thing it made him feel, the things he would write about the mosaic of dark and lit up windows on the bloc buildings they passed, each telling the story of the people who lived inside. Alanas thought about it sometimes, how he too was just one lit up window in the night whenever he was staying up late editing, a mosaic piece in someone else's song.

The keys rattled in the door, finally the one leading to the apartment. Sometimes it felt like these panel buildings were more secure than the national treasury. Alanas entered through the door and turned around, stopping Lukas in his tracks.

“Take off your shoes, you're not tracking sand in here.” Lukas looked down, his shoes were completely covered in sand that had stuck to his wet shoes and pants, he kicked his shoes off, clumsily slotting them against the wall of the hallway so that no one would trip on them.

Alanas turned to go to the kitchen to fetch a glass of water for Lukas, who he found half passed out on his couch.

“Lukai get up.” He only got a groan as a response. “Come on, you need to drink some water and shower before sleeping.”

“Tomorrow.” Lukas protested.

“Come on Lukas, I bet you have sand up your ass and even if you don't it's best if you get it over with now.” Lukas only shook his head. “I'll help you, get up.” Alanas grabbed Lukas and pulled him to stand, the other man looked like a particularly unhappy cat as he got led towards the bathroom. Alanas helped Lukas undress, making sure to have as little sand falling to the floor as possible, all in vain. They had done this tons of times, last time was Lukas helping him when they slept at Emilija’s apartment after Alanas had gotten particularly shitfaced following a nasty breakup. Lukas' hands were soft in his hair that time as water mixed with tears and steam mixed with whispered reassurances. Alanas had wanted to give back at least a bit of the kindness Lukas had shown him that night, though the man said he just did what friends were supposed to do, Alanas knew plenty of people who would have just left him to wallow in his sadness on the couch next to a puke bowl.

Alanas put a small plastic stool in the tub and ordered Lukas to sit while he undressed himself, folding his clothes carefully and keeping them far away from Lukas' sandy laundry, he knew he would be finding sand all over for months anyways. By the time he returned Lukas had fallen asleep again, cheek pressed against the cool bathroom tiles, chest rising evenly. Alanas quietly got into the tub and stood behind Lukas, starting the water and making sure it wouldn't touch his friend until it was warm enough. Lukas stirred with a small noise when alanas started to shower him off, beige and brown pieces of sand detaching from his skin as the water ran over it. Alanas made sure to wake Lukas properly before washing his hair, instructing the other to lean his head back so as to not accidentally choke on the water. Lukas followed Alanas' hand as he guided his head, making sure the water got through his slightly damaged hair. When he was done with Lukas, Alanas quickly showered off himself, the other returning to his previous position of face against the wall.

Alanas left Lukas to sleep while he dried off and put his pyjamas on, searching for some clothes for Lukas before returning to the bathroom where he struggled to get his increasingly harder to wake up friend to dress up, thinking about leaving him naked at one point before deciding against it.

Finally they were settled in Alanas' bed, Lukas asleep even before hitting the sheets. Alanas drank the cup of water that he prepared for Lukas originally, before refilling the glass and putting it on the table on Lukas' side together with some painkillers that he knew the other would be needing the next day.

Alanas finally got into bed, turning off the lights and staying still for a few seconds just listening to the other's breath, making sure he was still okay before wrapping himself in his blanket.

“Good night.” Alanas didn't expect a response, he was sure Lukas was so far gone that even his subconscious wouldn't have heard him.

“Good night” Lukas whispered back groggily after a few seconds.

[dohart]

How the colors sound

Lucio Corsi x Daniil Leshchynskyi

Written 2025.06.20

Daniil is stuck in a small italian town for the entire summer after he finishes highschool. Lucio makes it less lonely.

Summer vacation in Tuscany, his mother had been excited for this since december. Now that both Daniil and Valentyn had graduated highschool, this was their last summer to spend as kids and their mother had decided they would spend it in a small italian village in the middle of nowhere as a family. Valya had declined, finally standing his ground against their mother. He wanted to spend the summer partying with his friends as for the past few months he had been preoccupied with studying and calming Danya's frequent panic attacks triggered by the looming exams. Danya had told him he didn't have to do that, that he could manage by himself but Valentyn was forceful in his love, he had been doing this forever after all, stuck as a safety net Daniil could fall back on any time things got back. Danya felt bad, he knew it was affecting Valentyn and he knew his brother probably wished things were different, so Danya was happy his brother got to stay home, go to the sea with his friends, get drunk, make memories. Danya didn't have any real friends anyways, he didn't have anything interesting this summer so here he was, in some family friends' summer house that they rented for these two months.

Danya sat on the bed, his suitcase was still unpacked, tucked to the corner. Only his backpack was empty, a few books, a smaller bag containing his bathroom essentials and his electronics thrown around the bed. Daniil sighed and rubbed his face, he decided to go on a walk, he could undo his bags tomorrow. He walked down the stairs to the living room where his father was sitting in front of the tv, he was watching some local news channel - basically the only channel on the ancient machine - focused on the information despite not understanding a word of italian.

“Where is Mama?” His father only moved his eyes, looking at him from behind his fire framed glasses.

“She went out to meet with some friend who lives here.” He looked back at the tv, like he had never even looked away, unmoving like a statue.

“Hm.” Was all Danya answered before putting on his shoes and leaving, his father didn't say anything, he never asked where they went so Valentyn and him usually waited until it was just their father home to go out, quicker than answering the thousand riddles of the sphinx standing by the door that was their mother.

Daniil wasn't sure where he was going. Their house was at the very edge of the village, behind it nothing but fields and forests until the eye could see, he just decided to walk straight, as to not get lost. The rock road soon turned to dirt, then nothing, Danya found himself in the middle of a wheat field, or atleast what was left of it as the wheat had already been harvested leaving only lone hay bales behind. Danya approached one of them, as a kid in the countryside with their grandparents Valya and him used to sit on top of them and watch rabbits. Back them they were too small to go up by themselves to their grandfather would put them on top, he was not here to help this time so Daniil took a few steps back before leaping to get on top of the hay bale, as he stood up on top of the cylinder he smirked victoriously, that victory being cut short as the bale started to move. It only rolled a few centimeters but that was enough to scare Danya into sitting down in a hurry.

“Ahh!” Daniil sat on top of the bale in horror. That wasn't his voice.

His presumption was confirmed as someone who was probably previously sitting at the foot of the hay bale shot up from the ground, staring at Daniil wide eyed.

“Sei pazzo? Mi hai quasi schiacciato!” The boy yelled at him. He had long dark hair that had hay sticking out of it and he was holding a hat in one of his hands as he stared at Danya. Daniil's breathing picked up as he slid down the other side of the hay bale and backed up from it in a hurry.

“I'm sorry!” He half yelled before turning around and walking away, almost breaking into a run.

“Aspetta, dove stai andando?” Danya didn't hear the other as he ran in the direction of the nearby patch of trees, looking for a place to hide. He didn't stop until he couldn't see the hay bales or the field anymore, then he sat down on a tree trunk. His heart was hammering and his breathing came out in small panicked wheezes from running, he hurriedly fished out his wired earbuds and phone from his pocket to put on some music to help himself calm down and avoid having a panic attack. As one of his favorite songs started playing in his ears he put his phone on his lap and folded his body, putting his forehead on his knees and hugging them with his arms. Slowly but surely his breathing started to calm and his heart started to feel less like a caged animal trying to get out. He stayed like that for what he thought was ten maybe twenty minutes, he was clearly wrong as in the middle of one of the songs the music stopped completely. Daniil opened his eyes, he must have fallen asleep somehow. As he looked around he could only see darkness, light from the moon only breaking in at a few places so he could see the shadows and silhouettes of the trees.

The forest looked very different in the dark, Danya couldn't see and couldn't decide from which direction he came from, he looked at his phone hoping to call his mother for help but as he tried to turn it on he realised why the music had stopped, his phone was completely dead.

Daniil took a few steps in the dark, hoping to see anything that could mark the direction towards the village but he could see nothing but darkness and trees. He started to wander, walking a few meters in one direction only to turn and go into another, soon he couldn't even find the tree stump he had been sitting on earlier. As he walked he could feel his breathing start to quicken, his heart speed up. Breathing was becoming hard and his muscles were locking up one after the other. He knew the signs of a panic attack but tried to fight it, tried to find a way out. After some time he sat down at the roots of a tree, he fell more than sat as his knees buckled under his weight. He gathered his legs close to himself and hugged them tightly trying to fold himself to be as small as possible as his breaths would only come in sobs now.

It was usually Valentyn who helped him when he had an attack, the other good at grounding him when the world seemed to slip away, and even when Valya wasn't there to help he was usually at home where he could hide in his room. Here it was unknown, slightly cold as a breeze rustled the leaves, making Daniil tense his body even more. He felt like he was under water, drowning, he felt like he was about to die.

“Dani.” A hand landed on his shoulder making him gasp and look up in terror, his eyes filled with tears. He didn't immediately recognise his presumed attacker at first but as he blinked the still forming tears away he recognised the long hair and hat. Danya tried to speak but only a whimper left him before he plunged his head back on his knees.

For a moment the hand didn't move, contemplating, before the other man crouched down to Daniil's level and draped his own body across Danya's.

“Shh calmati.” The other tried to sooth him, combing his long fingers through Danya's hair. “Everyone is looking for you Dani, your mother is very worried.” The man had a soft, soothing voice and a strong accent that made the words melt off him like butter. Danya tried to calm his breathing, not answering yet, not pulling away. They stayed like that for a few minutes until Daniil felt like he could speak again. He started to lift his head, the other understanding his intentions and pulling away from him. Danya sat there, muscles loosening up slowly one after the other, finally he looked up at the other boy.

“It's pronounced Daniil.” He didn't know what to say, sitting in awkward silence while the other looked at him perplexed.

“Daniil.” He finally spoke, accent still thick but gentle “My name is Lucio.” Lucio extended a hand towards Danya who took it expecting a handshake but was promptly pulled up from the ground. Daniil, surprised, lost his footing for a moment but Lucio steadied him.

“Your mother is looking for you Daniil, we should go back now.” Lucio had one hand on his back and the other on his shoulder as he nodded to his right, probably towards where the village was. Danya nodded and Lucio took his hand, guiding him out of the forest. As they walked Daniil just looked at their intertwined hands, it reminded him of school outings in middle school where Valya had to drag him around everywhere, Danya groaned internally, when Valentyn inevitably got news of this he would never let him live it down.

They soon left the forest and arrived at the same field where Daniil originally started out, Lucio didn't let go of his hand. The village and its streetlights were getting closer when Lucio stopped in his tracks, turning around to look at Danya.

“That's where I live.” He pointed to a house in the distance. “Come any time, I'll show you around so you don't get lost.” Danya let go of his hand, to which Lucio frowned in confusion.

“I can make it back home from here thank you.” Danya croaked, his throat still raw from earlier. Lucio looked almost hurt before smiling and grabbing Daniil's hand again.

“I'll go with you, so you don't get yelled at.”

“Huh?” Was all Danya could manage.

“My parents never yell at me when my friends are around.” He stated the obvious. Danya shivered then, the cold breeze finally breaking through his clothes. Lucio took off the coat he was wearing and draped it on his shoulders before grabbing his hand again and guiding him towards the village. Five minutes later they were at the house and Daniil stalled, afraid of what his mother would do. Lucio noticed his hesitation and passed in front of him, opening the door and stepping in.

“Buonasera.” He greeted politely. Daniil's parents and a woman he didn't know stood around the dining table, the woman had a soothing hand on his mothers back, his mother in tears. They all looked at the two of them, his mothers eyes widened and she hurried towards him wrapping her arms around her son. Daniil had been taller than her for a while but in this moment she seemed even smaller than usual, her shoulders shaking as tears soaked his shirt. Danya slowly wrapped his arms around her in return, Lucio's coat slipping off his shoulders and onto the floor. Daniil's father had taken off his glasses, rubbing his nose bridge while the unknown woman stood in silence and Lucio. Lucio was gone. Wordless and soundless like he was never even there, the coat laying on the floor at Danya's feet the only proof he had ever been there.

Danya didn't end up getting yelled at, his mother too happy that he was found to be angry at him. The woman turned out to be her friend, the one whose cousin's summer house they were currently staying in. She left soon after the reunion but not before grabbing Daniil gently by the arm.

“Don't run around alone anymore” her accent was thick, hard to understand “Go find Lucio and stay with him, he's weird but a good boy” she patted him on the shoulder.

“Weird?” Danya asked, he hadn't noticed anything weird other than the touchiness but he presumed that was just an Italian thing.

The woman nodded side to side, not quite a confirmation but not denying either. “He, come dici, his head is in the clouds, never here.” The woman gesticulated before telling Danya again that Lucio was a good boy and that he should go hang out with him. Danya nodded, he had to return Lucio his coat anyways. After the woman left Daniil took a shower and went back to his room, clearing his bed off and flopping down onto the covers. Lucio's coat was draped over a chair that stood by the window, Danya approached it and smoothed his hand over the fabrik. He almost turned around and went back to bed when a small light in the distance caught his eye. His window looked out onto the fields and forests behind the house and in the distance Danya could see the house Lucio lived in. The light's were all off except one. One window on the roof of the house glowed amongst all the others. Daniil watched the window, a shadow passing by it a few times until finally the light turned off. Danya sighed, went back to his bed and plugged his phone and powerbank in before turning the nightlight off and going to sleep.

Danya woke up around seven, he stretched and turned to get the sun out of his face then decided to simply get up. He grabbed his phone, swiping to see his notifications.

[Валя: 13 повідомлень]

Great. Danya opened the messages his brother sent him, his eyes falling on the multitudes of laughing emojis.

22:34

[Mom called me, she's freaking out, call her!]

[Danya!]

[Daniil]

[Daniil]

[She's really worried Daniil, where are you?]

[Daniil!!!]

23:12

[Mom texted]

[You are such a dumbass lol]

[How did you even get lost?]

[Is your phone dead?]

[I'm telling everyone]

[But for real mom was really worried]

[Don't get lost again]

[Good night]

This wasn't that bad compared to the things they said to each other sometimes. Daniil quickly texted his brother good morning before getting up and changing out of his pajamas. After finishing his morning routine he took Lucio's coat, his phone and powerbank for sure and went down to the living room. The house seemed empty, entering the kitchen Danya noticed a note on the table.

We went to the market. Leave the keys under the doormat if you leave and tell the neighbour where you are going. Have your phone charged and on you at all times!

Daniil felt like he was fourteen again and this was the first time his mother let him leave the house without Valentyn, on the other hand he understood, yesterday's adventure wasn't just scary for himself.

After locking up he placed the keys under the doormat and went to the neighbours front door, he knocked. A young woman opened the door, cocking an eyebrow at him.

“My mother told me to tell you if I was leaving?” Danya wasn't sure if his sentence was a question or a statement but the woman responded with a smiling “Yepp”.

“I'm going to Lucio's house, he lives-”

“I know where he lives.” The woman cut him off, Danya just nodded and backed away from the door. He walked down the street and towards the edge of the village, the road had once again turned to just grass so he decided to go straight in the direction of the house.

When he got close Daniil stopped in his tracks. Two dogs were laying on the porch of the house, no fence in sight. Danya had his fair share of loose dogs chasing him in his grandparents' village back home so he took a few tentative steps. The smaller of the two dogs stood up and trotted towards him, barking. Danya stopped and let the dog circle him, sniffing him. The animal stopped at Lucio's coat, taking deep breaths over the fabric between barks. The other dog observed from a distance, calm but alert. Danya was about to call out for someone when the door opened.

“A cosa stai abbaiando?” Lucio appeared on the porch, he was wearing loose brown pants and a shirt with a cartoon character that hung off his left shoulder a bit. He looked at Danya and smiled, calling his dog back and beckoning Daniil to come closer.

Danya stepped into the front garden, flowers of all kinds were blooming, bees and butterflies happly feeding on the pollen. Lucio grabbed his wrist and led him towards the door, Danya almost missed the way they held hands yesterday, his heart still leapt. Lucio let him into the house. The air was homey and calm, paintings of horses, ballerinas and boys resembling Lucio himself lined the walls, every surface had photos, porcelain figurines or flowers on it and in the far end of the room was a piano. Only when they were in the living room did Lucio let go of Danya's hand, turning around and smiling at him.

“I'm happy you are here Daniil.” His voice was warm, and Danya could have told Lucio was smiling even without looking at him.

“I wanted to give you back your coat and, just call me Danya.” He held out the coat towards Lucio who took it with a nod.

“Did you eat already Danya?” The name sounded weird from Lucio's mouth but Daniil couldn't help but find, it made his chest swell with warmth. He shook his head. “Good, Mamma made crespella this morning come.” Lucio hung his coat by the door as he walked to the kitchen. Danya wasn't sure what a crespella was but he assumed he would find out soon enough. It turned out to be Palačynka, or more like a crêpe, same different.

Lucio loaded up two plates with crêpes filled with a multitude of different jams and marmalades and headed towards a bigger door that lead to a back patio, on their way there they passed the piano on which Danya lingered for a moment, Lucio smirked but turned away before Daniil could catch it. They sat down on the patio bench, putting their plates on the coffee table in front of it. Daniil lifted a crêpe and started eating it while Lucio fished a box of cigarettes and a lighter out of his pocket, he pulled a cigarette out of the box and offered it to Danya, he accepted. He wasn't a smoker exactly, at least he wasn't smoking his own cigarettes instead living off of Valentyn’s. He felt childish sometimes, nineteen years old and still afraid of what his mother might say if he ever caught him smoking, like this he could at least act like the smell was from standing nead Valya when he did, listening to the two argue since they were sixteen was enough to encourage him to lie about things like this.

Lucio's lighter clicked and the flame came to life. The boy held the flame towards Daniil who leaned forward with the cigarette in his mouth. To his surprise Lucio leaned in at the same time, looking at Danya, eyes crinkling at the corner as he smiled at Daniil's shocked expression, their cigarettes touched for a moment, almost sensual, then in a blink the lighter clicked off and lucio was back in his spot exhaling the bitter smoke. Danya's heart leapt again, a concerning amount in just twenty minutes.

They ate the crêpes while smoking, Lucio somehow managed to get Danya to speak and their conversation soon ended up focusing on music, turns out they were both musicians. Daniil wasn't surprised, Lucio did seem like a carefree musician type.

When they were done, Lucio took Danya into the village, showing him every house and telling him about their personalities, what kind of people they would be if they were human, he splashed water from the washbasin on Daniil and told him how back in the day this was where the women used to wash clothes, now it was just a place for kids to play in.

Lucio talked like a painting, he was the kind of person who would describe a butterfly not by its latin name but by the sound each spot of color made as the animal flapped its wings. He split blades of grass and made them into instruments. He scaled the walls of old, abandoned farmhouses on the outskirts of the village and Danya was in ave.

Daniil needed about two weeks for him to realise the fondness he felt for Lucio wasn't purely platonic, not that he had much frame of reference but he could feel it in a deep, raw corner of his heart that this was different.

It was a full moon and Lucio had somehow convinced Danya's mother to let him take Daniil stargazing to a “secret spot”. The woman begrudgingly gave in, after all Danya was religiously sending her updates whenever he wasn't home and Lucio knew the village and its surroundings like he knew himself, so truly, there was no danger, she even agreed for Danya to sleep at Lucio's house as to not disturb them in the night and Lucio's parents were away for the weekend.

The forest was as dark as ever when they entered, but Danya felt perfectly safe with Lucio holding his hand, the other, a beam of light in the night, he fit his name well. They soon arrived at a clearing with no trees on the top of the hill, they walked to the middle and rolled out the blanket they brought with themselves to lay down on top.

They laid on the blanket staring at the stars and the full moon that was so bright Daniil struggled to look at it for a long time. Lucio was going on about the different stars but Danya could only focus on the way their shoulders and arms were pressed to each other. After realising his feelings things didn't become any easier, the bruising feeling in his chest had become an aching pain whenever he looked at the other, his throat begging for Daniil to let it say the truth, let it tell Lucio what his heart was feeling, but Danya kept quiet. He kept quiet when he watched Lucio collect rocks in the stream, long colorful pants discarded on the stream bank as to not get wet, he kept quiet when he showed Lucio how he could play piano and the other looked at him with the warmth of the sun, a small content smile on his face as he leaned on the piano. But now, here he didn't know if he could keep quiet anymore. He wasn't afraid of rejection for being a man, Lucio was open on who he was, how he felt so Daniil knew that wouldn't be the problem. He was afraid of rejection for who he was in general, Danya wasn't as handsome or as charismatic as Lucio, or at least he didn't think so.

Yet he couldn't hold himself back, he turned his head to look at Lucio who was still talking about the stars, lost in them like a stranded astronaut. Lucio noticed the other staring at him and turned his head towards Danya.

“What are you looking at bello?” He smiled, their faces and lips way closer than Danya would think normal friends should be. His throat went dry, he couldn't speak so he just stared, stared at the halo Lucio's hair formed around his head, stared at his eyes that looked completely black in this lighting and finally, stared at his lips, pulled into a smile. Lucio seemed to notice, watching for any move Daniil might make, he moved his face closer. Now there were only centimeters separating them, Daniil could feel Lucio's breath on his own lips, he waited, stared and made a decision.

Daniil closed the gap, the action unexpected even for himself, but lucio didn't startle, he kissed back as Danya moved his lips clumsily, all knowledge on how to do this coming from movies and books. They parted after a few minutes, breathless and red in the face, both of them. For the first time, Daniil smiled first and rolled closer to Lucio, wrapping his arms around the other and slotting his face in the crook of his neck. Daniil exhaled as Lucio stroked his hair like that first night in the forest.

“I wanted to tell you.” Daniil murmured in Lucio's ear. The other only let out a small laugh.

“I wanted to tell you too, but I was afraid.” Daniil pulled his head back in surprise, Lucio didn't seem like the kind to him who would be afraid of feeling. As Danya stared at Lucio's face he didn't see the charismatic Lucio, or the Lucio who climbed on the roofs of old buildings. He saw a Lucio who was vulnerable, an honest Lucio. They stayed like that for some more time before deciding to go back to Lucio's house. There they ate snacks while watching old telenovelas, showered and washed each other's hair, then fell asleep cuddling in Lucio's room while posters of rock stars watched over their secret. Danya could do this every day.

08:56

[We landed]

[Okay I'm in the parking]

The air was different in Ukraine, colder, sharper but it was home and despite the pain that Daniil had been feeling since the previous night he was happy to be back home.

Valya stood by the car, smoking. He told their parents to get in, they would take care of the bags. They were stacking the suitcases in the back when Danya's phone buzzed, he looked at the message and smiled, warmth filling his chest.

“Is it the boyfriend?” Valya tried to peek but Daniil angled his phone away.

“Shut up.” He nipped at his brother but couldn't help but smile.

“Come ooon you are hiding him like he's a fairy.” Danya laughed and pushed his brother before getting in the car. When he was sure Valya wouldn't try to look he opened his phone again to look at Lucio's message. It was a picture from a high angle, he was sitting on the balcony of his new apartment in Milan, cigarette in one hand, an Italian translation of a book Danya had recommended him on his lap. He looked relaxed as he smiled up at the camera. Danya saved the picture and responded with a selfie, his brother driving in the background.

Lucio giggled as he got the message, putting down his phone after liking the picture, continuing his morning reading before he had to get ready for the day.

[dohart]

Knee deep in it

Valentyn Leshchynskyi x Fedir Khodakov

Written 2025.06.14

Who would have thought a camping trip could force someone to rethink their sexuality.

Fedir had a girlfriend and Valentyn wanted to put his head through a wall.

She was perfect in every aspect. Dark brown curls, a perfect laugh, they even met in a record store. Valya couldn't deal with this anymore, and not only him, his brother couldn't either.

“You have to pull yourself together man, you're bringing down the mood.” His brother looked at him from the corner of his eye while playing some game on his consore. Valentyn was currently fuming at the new picture Fedya posted on his story, a romantic date with his girlfriend. Valya had to force himself to not grab his hair in the attempt to bald himself. “Just because you don't have anyone right now you shouldn't be this jealous, Fedya is just better at picking up women.” Daniil had an affinity to say the worst things at the worst times. Valya turned toward his brother, his eyes could have probably stricken him dead if Danya were to look that way.

“What do you know about picking up women?” Valentyn emphasized the “you”, an insult and a double meaning wrapped into a neat bait to an argument.

Valentyn wasn't jealous of Fedir, he was just as capable of getting a pretty girl to like him and he knew it, they weren't school children anymore after all. The only reason Valya didn't have a girlfriend is that he didn't try to get one, simple as that. The reasons behind why the idea of going on a date repulsed him, and why he had blurry dreams of riverside picnics with a certain bearded individual was not something Valentyn was willing to unpack right now, so the topic remained forgotten, shoved deep inside his closet amongst shoe boxes and dust bunnies.

“I need a vacation.” Valentyn snapped out of his stress induced daydream, his own voice sounding strained. Daniil looked up at him, having put down his controller sometime during the inner monologue Valya was conducting. His brother already had a mountain, village, cow petting type vacation planned for himself, Valya was quite jealous.

“Go on then.” Danya shrugged, acting like this was something so obvious and didn't need to be mentally checked over a thousand times.

“Oh I will.” and he did. One week later he was firmly planted in the guest room of a lakeside cabin in Estonia. Great views, great weather, except this specific cabin belonged to Fedir’s girlfriend's family, and the two aforementioned lovebirds were currently setting up in the main room. Valentyn had never wanted to drown himself in a lake this much ever before.

When he spoke to Fedir about his ideas of going on vacation the man supported it fully, saying that “they all needed some calm”. Then he told Valya there was this cabin in Estonia they could go to for a week, great, nothing better than fishing and drinking beer with your best friend, maybe even swim a little, maybe even skinny dip. Valentyn had to bring himself back from his own thoughts a few times.

Only on the day of departure when he tried to get into the front of the car did Valya find out that this in fact would not be a bro's trip.

Valentyn hated that he hated her. This woman had never done anything to him, she was perfectly fine and friendly, yet he felt a deep pit of annoyance and anger every time he looked at her. Now in this cabin, hundreds of kilometers away from his home where he could freely waste away in his unexplained misery he could think if nothing but how much this vacation will not be relaxing. Whatever, he had to try anyways, he didn't want to ruin this for the others, it wasn't their fault he had some stuff to go deal with internally.

The first day went normal, they unpacked, decided how the food they brought for the week should be rationed up for the days and then they decided to go to the local store to buy some more stuff when they realised they didn't bring nearly enough.

The second day was nothing either.

It was on the night of the third day that Valentyn broke. He had been watching his travel companions all but fuck in front of him, and hear them doing just that for two days in a row now, so when the night came and they decided to roast sausages under the stars Valya had decided to drink. He was two beers and at least three shots of nondescript homemade Estonian spirit in when their sausages had finally roasted properly and they could eat them. Valya ate in silence, he didn't need to talk, Fedir's girlfriend did that well enough for all three of them, Valentyn would have gladly listened to a podcast hosted by her if only he wasn't annoyed by her existence. But at this moment he couldn't even focus on his irrational hatred because his eyes were glued to one thing only. Fedir was eating a sausage. He was the first to grab one off the grill and just started eating it by itself. And oh the way he ate it, if Valentyn would have been any more sober he would have probably found that the way Fedya ate was nothing out of the ordinary, but in his current state of drunkenness the world seemed to close in around Fedir and himself only.

He must be going crazy. This was the first thought Valya woke up on the fourth day of vacation, memories of last night flooding his mind. He sat on the edge of his bed, face in his hands as he thought about exactly what went on in his mind, but stopped quickly when he started to think about the slightly noticeable reaction his body had to Fedir's display. He decided to keep at least a bit of his dignity.

As he walked out of the cabin the first thing he spotted was Fedir standing in the lake, water went up to his mid thing and he was wearing nothing but his underwear, his swimwear being left at home and only noticed when they were already here.

“Come in!” Fedya yelling knocked Valentyn out of his thoughts, the other man frantically waving him over to the water. Valya chuckled and started to undress, deciding to not waste time looking for his own swimwear and instead join his friend in this league of drenched underpants. He quickly went into the water after folding up his clothes. The small waves were chilly, becoming colder and colder with every step he took, by the time he met up with his friend, Valya had every piece of hair on his body standing up straight from the water temperature.

Fedir stood in the water like a deer, calm and elegant, short hair and beard a flaming red in the direct sunlight, Valya was starstruck.

“Come swim with me.” His friend asked and started walking deeper into the water, pulling Valentyn with him by the wrist. The cold didn't bother Valya anymore as the small area where Fedya was touching him felt like a golden bracelet that was being heated over a fire. Unfortunately this was cut short as the two men arrived into deep water where they could swim, Fedir letting go of Valya's wrist. He looked at Valentyn warmly before turning his face towards the sun and floating on the surface of the water for a few minutes. The trees were rustling gently as the breeze blew between their leaves, somewhere in the distance a carp jumped, splashing back into the water.

“Tell me what's wrong Valya, it's just us here.” Fedir spoke suddenly, not opening his eyes but obviously awake. Valentyn thought for a second, he couldn't tell Fedya the truth, that his girlfriend annoyed him for no reason, that his brother was teasing him at every opportunity for it and that he was having the most intense wet dreams since highschool but this time with Fedir himself as the main love interest. The man would most likely drown him right here in this very lake, and he would be justified to do so. So Valya lied.

“You know just the usual, worrying about the band and bickering with Danya, nothing out of the ordinary.” This was everything but the ordinary.

Fedir stopped floating and turned his body back to vertical, he opened his eyes to look at Valentyn.

“I wanted to go do something for a while now, just the two of us.” He looked out into the distance over the mirror finish of the water. “I know she's here with us but she's gonna go to a different village today to meet a family member so it's gonna be just the two of us, maybe we could take the rowboat out, catch some fish, chat.” Fedir pointed towards the cabin with his head when he mentioned his girlfriend, still looking at Valya. While Valentyn was restrained, uncomfortable with the ominous “chat” Fedir mentioned, he could never say no when the other man was looking at him with the eyes of a thousand puppy-dogs, huskies specifically.

Valentyn did exactly as he promised and a few hours later they were out on the lake again, this time appropriately dressed and holding fishing sticks while sitting in the worlds most terrifyingly flimsy wooden boat. The chatting he had been so afraid about had turned out to be mainly about future band plans, song demos, staging ideas. The two men were good at bouncing ideas off of each other as they caught fish after fish absentmindedly.

At a certain point Valya got thirsty. He stood up to grab the bottle of water sitting on the floor across him but as he took a step the little rowboat lunged, threatening to tip over. Valya lost his footing and fell, he got ready for the cold water but as he opened his eyes he instead found himself chest to chest with Fedir who had caught him just in time. Their torsos were pressed together, faces only centimeters from each other and Valya was kneeling on the bench in a way that basically made him sit in Fedir's lap. They stayed like that for a beat or two, trying to process the shock before Valya got up, almost flying off the boat and back to shore with the speed he went back to his set with. They looked at each other for a few more moments before Fedir announced that they had caught enough fish and could go back to shore, Valya could do nothing but agree.

Valentyn didn't have an issue with gay people. For starters, he lived with his brother who while never came out technically, didn't hide it either. And he as every other boy had also had a phase where he was looking up “boys kissing” on the family computer, feeling guilty as he deleted his browser history afterwards but these were all just normal things. Now, with his heart still pounding from their earlier boat mishap as he watched fedir gut the fish they caught shirtless and using nothing but a knife and his hands, Valentyn had a sneaking suspicion that all those things from his youth might have not been the average experience.

His ringtone was loud as his phone buzzed on the picnic table. Fedir looked up from his work, strangely attractive for someone covered in fish blood, but Valya would deal with these thoughts later. He picked up the phone to see his brothers contact picture staring at him, truly a saviour when needed.

“It's Daniil.” He simply said as he walked away to the other side of the cabin for a bit more privacy. He picked up the phone and grested his brother.

[How is it going?] Danyas voice was slightly crackling over the line, neither of them being in an area with great service.

“Good…” Valya thought for a second before deciding to ask the question that has been bothering him for the past hours. “Daniil…is it possible that I'm gay?” The line went silent for a moment, only the noise of the forest around Valya being heard before Danya finally spoke.

[What?] A simple and understandable question, as Valentyn didn't exactly explain himself very well. [What is making you ask that?] Danya asked again, this time a smile could be heard in his voice, Valya decided not to call out his brother for that.

“I think I might have a crush on Fedir.” He whispered, afraid that the man himself would hear. The line went silent again for a few seconds before Daniil on the other end of th line burst out laughing. Valentyn stood there, not knowing how to react until Danya's laughs died down to awkward chuckles.

[You're not joking.]

“No.” Valya quickly regretted his choice to confide in his brother, he should have known he would get teased over this, they teased each other for everything after all.

[Oh my god!] Came the exclamation after another long pause.

“What?” Valya asked.

[You weren't jealous of Fedir for having a girlfriend, you are jealous of his girlfriend for having Fedir!] Danya concluded, Valentyn sighed, that much he had managed to gather himself these pas hours so his brother was no help it seemed.

At just the right moment Fedir called out, informing Valya that the fish were ready to roast. He stood up straight and lifted the phone back to his ear.

“I'm gonna go now Fedir is calling.” His brother gave a hum as a response and then cut the line, brotherly love I guess.

Back at the front of the house Fedir and Valya roasted and ate the fish while chatting amicably, all of the earlier tension on the boat already having dissipated into the wind, a small weight had lifted off Valentyn’s chest.

The next few days went fast, their routine all the same. Swimming in the lake, drinking beers, eating, playing cards, the air seemed better now that Valya had managed to fight off some of his inner demons. He was less annoyed too, understanding that his irrational dislike of Fedir's girlfriend was not her fault but simply his jealousy speaking, and he felt more liberated around Fedir, not held back by the unknown feeling he had.

The vacation ended quickly and he was soon back in his apartment playing some racing game with his brother on the couch. They had talked long and deep about the Fedir topic the moment Valya came back and Danya ended up opening up a bit more about himself too, noone was surprised, they were two peas in a pod after all, two gay peas. Or bi? Or pansexual? Whatever, Valya was not comfortable enough yet to delve into the terminology.

Two weeks after the vacation ended Valya and Fedir went to a bar. They had decided a reward was needed after the good work they had done the entire week. Danya was invited too but he declined on the basis of tiny bar, many people, loud music. Completely understandable. Here they were, more than slightly tipsy, telling stupid jokes and laughing like idiots while sitting at the bar. Fedir was beautiful in this lighting, he was beautiful in any lighting and Valya needed to clutch his heart a bit just to make sure it wouldnt run away. After the fifth round of something that was cheap and pink Fedya excused himself to the toilet, leaving Valentyn alone. He didn't mind, he watched the tv set up at the bar and finished his drink while waiting. He just looked around for his friend when a familiar face showed up. Fedir's girlfriend. She walked up to Valya with a big smile, cheeks rosy probably from the alcohol she herself had already consumed. She sat down on Fedya’s chair and giggled.

“Are you all by yourself handsome?” The pickup line was over used and corny so Valya was pretty sure it was supposed to be a joke but it still made a sick feeling start to bubble in his stomach. He tried to object but before he could the woman spoke again.

“You know I never noticed how pretty you were until now.” She reached out to comb her hand through his hair. “Real pretty.” She winked and smiled at him, actions that would have normally make him blush and give his number out but in this current situation Valya could feel bile rising up his throat. He stood up quickly from the barstool and hurried away, knocking into a few people on his way out.

Fedir had just finished drying his hands as he came out of the bathroom when a Valentyn shaped blur zoomed past him, he immediately followed. Outside, Valya stopped, bracing himself on a nearby tree, gagging but not throwing up. Fedir approached him with concern. He caressed his friend's back who jumped at the touch and whipped his head towards Fedya. The few teenagers who lingered outside of the bar paid no mind to the situation.

“Are you okay, what happened?” Fedir asked, concern apparent. Valentyn hesitated before speaking.

“Your girlfriend, she's here, she-she started flirting with me” Valya looked embarrassed, when Fedir didn't respond he continued. “I-I swear i didn't start it, I was sitting there and she came up to me and started saying all these things, so i came out here because i would never do that to a friend and-”

“We broke up.” The admission stunned Valya into silence.

“What, when?” Was all he could ask

“A few days after we came back from Estonia, I…there was someone else, for me.” The two men stood in silence for a beat, inching closer.

“Valya, i don't want to ruin our friendship, you're too dear to me for that-” Fedir had a pained expression on his face, like he was about to tell a horrible secret. “I don't want this to change anything if you don't feel the same, but i need to tell you I-” he didn't get to finish his sentence as Valentyn, with booze fueled bravery smashed their lips together in a kiss that started out with more teeth than tongue. After the initial shock Fedir relaxed into the kiss, plunging his hand into Valyas deep brown curls. After a few minutes they separated, breathless looking at each othery hearts in their eyes.

“I wanted to tell you too” Valya smiled before leaving another peck on Fedir's lips. The other man held him closer, grinning before capturing his lips again.

[dohart]

All the time in the world

Daniil Leshchynskyi x Valentyn Leshchynskyi

NOT ROMANTIC!!! NOT INCEST!!!!!!!

Written 2025.05.30

Translation available by Misykiniss on ficbook

A casual mention of future plans makes the pot of anxieties boil over and leads to some much needed conversations.

It was late at night in the Ukrainian countryside when they were driving home. Their grandfather had offered for them to stay the night but they had declined with white lies about upcoming interviews and meetings, in reality they just wanted to shut themselves off in their respective bedrooms and not speak to anyone for at least 24 hours. Meeting fans was great, meeting family was even better but after all the Eurovision commotion nothing sounded sweeter than the calling of some time alone.

The car was silent other than some local radio crackling and popping from the lack of good connection. It was nice, white noise that filled the space. Danya was driving while Valya stared at his own reflection in the window, absentmindedly tapping his foot along to the music that was getting less and less intelligible as the streetlights of local villages disappeared.

“I was talking with some of the other contestants about collabing and whatnot.” Danya broke the silence. Valya lifted his head from its previous position to look at his brother from the corner of his eye.

“Don't plan more than you can achieve, we already have a shit ton of interviews coming up.” He murmured, tired.

“I don't plan more than I can take.”

“Oh but you do!” The air in the car shifted uncomfortably as Valya sat up in his seat to look at his brother more closely.

Daniil loved his brother and Valya loved him just as much but with all the stress of interviews and concerts and social media and everything had turned their usual lighthearted bantering into a minefield where one wrong word, one wrong look could make them blow up at each other, Fedir had noticed this a long time ago when they had started preparing and shared his grievances with the twins who had tried to tone down the arguing around their friend, which just meant they had multiple days worth of of problems to argue about for hours on end once they managed to be just them. Now the well air conditioned car had turned into a furnace from the sparks of an approaching shouting match.

“You can stop looking at me like that right now Valya.” Danya glanced at his brother, brows furrowing.

“I'm just saying, you were very cute with your social media stunts and fan interactions and all during Eurovision, but now it's back to everyday and you already had a hard time handling everydays before. I just don't want you burning yourself out right now.” Valentyn picked at his jeans, a small cut made by a wood cutting accident at their grandpa's place fraying into a hole from the constant pulling.

Daniil signed through his nose, not dejected or tired but a forced sigh, like a bull ready to attack.

“Don't come with this ‘don’t want you burning out’ bullshit, you sound like our mother just worse.” The radio had turned to constant static and the outside world had disappeared in the darkness, it was just Danya, Valya and the potholes on the road that jolted the car every few minutes.

“But i do need to come with that because you obviously need a constant reminder to not make fucking arrangements when we already have so many things to do Danya!” Valentyn raised his voice, the constant stress of the last few days boiling over.

This was the breaking point, Danya slammed on the break, making the car come to a violent stop. He snapped his head towards his brother who was bracing himself on the dashboard, wide eyed.

“You always have to make everything an argument no matter what, don't you? I just wanted to share something good, something positive because we had done nothing but fight these past few days but I can't even do that without you going on about how incompetent I am, like I'm not an adult just like you!” Danya was also shouting now, looking at Valya who had sat back down into his seat after the initial shock of the sudden stop. A beat passed before Danya spoke again.

“Get out the car!”

“What? No!” Valya found his voice, getting upset at the demand.

“Drive then!” Danya yelled, getting out of the car himself and slamming the door behind him. Valya breathed looking at the figure of his brother disappearing in the dark before getting out of the car in a panic.

“Danya, come back, what are you thinking?” He yelled but the other didn't even turn back. “Daniil!” Valya sped up his steps to near running, grabbing his brother's shoulder, making him stop and turn around.

“Valentyn?” Danya said his name with the childish venom of a third grader trying to bully you during recess as he shoved off Valyas hand from his shoulder.

“Where do you think you are going?” Valyas words have calmed down, previous anger swept away by the cool of the night.

“I don't know, I don't know Valya. I have no idea what I'm doing as per usual of course.” Danya half yelled sarcastically while rubbing his nose bridge, trying to disguise the anger-tears that were forming in his eyes.

“That's not what I said.” Valya grabbed his brother's coat and tugged on it in frustration.

“You wanted to.” Danya looked at the surroundings, voice barely audible.

A few minutes past, then a few more, Valya let go of the others' coats as they stood in tense silence, looking everywhere but each other. After the world's longest five minutes, Valya spoke first.

“So what now? Do we stand here until the sun comes up or do we go back to the car and act like this never happened…” Valya didn’t end his sentence, leaving it open for his brother to finish.

“No. We need to figure this out now or this cycle of arguing will never end.” Danya looked at his brother, eyes full of hurt. “I want you to stop making everything an argent Valentyn. Whenever I come to you with something I'm excited about you shut it down and chalk it up to you not wanting me to have a panic attack but to me it seems like you're actually the one who is scared. What are you scared of Valya?” Danya looked at his twin intently, he wanted to end this right here and now.

“I'm not scared of anything, I'm just looking out for you, you know how you get sometimes and-”

“Stop talking about me.” Danya cut him off. “Stop micromanaging every little thing I do. I know I have panic attacks, I live with them, I get anxious going to the store but that's not a reason to block me from doing things I'm passionate about. This isn't about me Valentyn, maybe it was at the start but it's not anymore. You are deathly afraid of something and I can't help you unless you tell me what it is.” as Danya’s sentence ended he turned around, rubbing his face with only the moon to light their interaction. He turned back to ask his brother to speak up so they could solve their feud but what he found shocked him. Valya stood there in perfect silence, eyebrows furrowed in what looked like anger and fat tears rolling down his cheeks. “Valya! Valya! Valentyn, why are you crying, talk to me!” Danya stepped closer to the other and held out his hands, trying to comfort him. The earlier anger had dissipated into the wind and gave space for worry and confusion on Danya's end. Valentyn took a wet breath before he spoke, wiping his face with the sleeve of his hoodie.

“You leave sometimes, in your head.” He said, still not looking at the other, a sob escaped him before he could continue. “And every time you do I'm so afraid you won't come back.”

Daniil was confused and that must have shown on his face as his brother continued after taking a quick glance. “Ever since we were kids I was supposed to be looking out for you because you were ‘fragile’ and now you tell me I was wrong for that? I was wrong for worrying about you, worrying about everything? Because that's all I do. I worry all the time.” a violent sob shook Valya’s body and he looked down to the grass again, trying to hide the tears that were falling rapidly.

The next moments were spent in silence, only broken up by Valyas sobbing. Daniil moved closer and wrapped his arms around his brother, startling Valya.

“I'm sorry. I'm sorry for worrying you and I'm sorry that you had to look out for me all this time.”

“You don't have to-” Danya cut his brother off before he could continue.

“Let me finish. This ends tonight, you don't have to worry about me anymore okay? Let's look out for each other, together, and let me take care of you sometimes. Talk to me when you don't feel okay. I'm not a fragile little boy anymore Valya, I know how I get sometimes and I know how to deal with it but you don't. You don't know how to deal with your own anxieties because you were always so focused on minimising mines, and look where that got us. So I'm sorry for all these years you had to hide because of me but I promise this will change, you just have to promise me to talk to me instead of stewing in your frustrations and blowing up at me.” Danya rubbed the back of his brother whose sobs have calmed down during his monologue, only coming out as ragged breaths now.

“Daniil, I-. I'm sorry too. For being too overprotective and trying to limit you.” Valentyn pulled his brother closer, hugging him back. “I just get so scared sometimes, scared to lose you, to lose this life we have. You and Fedir are my best friends and I don't know what I would be without you both.” His grip on Danyas coat shook. “But I'll work on myself, I promise.” They stood like that, melting into each other's embrace, hearts beating at the same rhythm like they were one. They haven't felt this comfort in a long time and they were both afraid that if they let go, the moment would be over and they would have to go back into real life. Nonetheless the chill of the night was starting to set in through their clothes and they both knew it was time to go.

Danya let go first, silently letting go and smiling and Valya whose face was red and blotchy from crying. He nodded towards the car and they both started walking towards it, understanding each other without having to talk.

The rest of the way home was spent in comfortable silence, they had said everything they wanted to each other so there was no need for conversation, the radio slowly coming back to life as they got closer to the city providing background noise as Danya drove and and Valya fell asleep.

Tomorrow they'll have time to talk more, to invite Fedya over and talk about the band, or just play on the ps5 and eat snacks until the sun goes down. For now all was well, a new chapter had opened in their life.

Daniil looked over at his brother who was sound asleep in some uncomfortable position and smiled. It will be alright, they have all the time in the world.

[dohart]

Frog in love

Joost Klein x GN!Reader

Written 2025.02.02

Vent fic based on the involuntary daydream i had while listening to Icepeak's new album Coming home . Fic title is also from the album.

Take note, I dont have a weird parasocial relationship with this celebrity this daydream just happened to come at me after i listened to Joost's new song.(Wich is fire btw)

This felt horrible.

I can't feel my arms and my toes anymore and an uncomfortable chill is running up and down my whole body, bath water cold and tinted scarlet. I don't even feel bad because of the pain as I can't feel it much anymore as I phase in and out of consciousness. Black is ever so slowly closing in on my field of vision as I enjoy the buzzing static in the black of my head as background noise for my thoughts. What feels horrible is that he will have to find me like this, one more trauma added on the bunch he already had but its not like i can undo anything at this point, my limbs feel detached and cold, i couldn't move if i wanted to, and the blade the i had dropped when the first bout of dizziness hit me is digging into my thigh, keeping me somewhat in the moment with the occasional bite of pin prick pain.

I didn't plan on doing this here, in our shared apartment while he was out with his friends producing one more hit song like usual but “the urge” wasn't something that usually made appointments in advance. That's what I had called it to my therapist and to Joost too. The urge. A very diplomatic description, more serious than the hundreds of joking “I’m gonna kill myself” and “I wanna die”’s I liked to sprinkle into conversations and that my friends learned to disregard, but a description that didn’t make me have to come to terms with it. I have active suicidal ideations, thats the fancy way to say it, the way my therapist tried to describe it before i shut her down, saying those words would make this way too real. And what am I if not a coward who can't even come to terms with simple stuff like this. Anyways I'm feeling even more guilty now so that's great. There is some random youtube video playing from my phone that I haphazardly threw on the hamper. I had the bright idea to put on a video before I gave in to the urge, made me feel less alone in the moment but made me think about Joost. He will come home and find me here, call an ambulance, freak out probably, become scarred forever. Great, great plan really, I can't even kill myself in a normal way, have to make it other peoples problem like usual.

I am starting to get really tired and my eyes are dry.

Blink

Did the angle of that shadow change or am I losing it?

Blink

“____”

Hm?

“____”

My name.

“____ come on please!”

It's Joost, I should probably open my eyes before he freaks out more.

Oh he's beautiful as always, even in this state.

Blink

He must have laid me down on the floor because thanks to many house parties ending in crazy hangovers I'm quite familiar with this floor mat.

Blink

His phone is on the floor next to me as he panickedly talks with someone, but due to the static enveloping me I don't understand. The screen displays a simple three digit phone number but my attention is on a drop of red, typing in an endless string of fives, my lucky number.

“Okay focus on me okay please?” He's closer now and talking to me. His glasses are not on his face and his bangs are disheveled.

“Hm” I try to vocalise but can't do much more than the noise a bored seal would make.

“Why would you do this?” He's crying, I feel really guilty right now. I wasn't planning on being alive for this part.

“Hm” great answer, congrats.

“Talk to me please, next time be-” he stops for a moment to draw in a ragged breath, coughing twice, we should probably lay off the cigarettes, well him at least anyways. “Before doing something like this I…just, why?”

I don't know. I'm sorry.

Blink

Quit throwing me around. Paramedics? Yey, great times. Joost is speaking to one of them, he doesn't look any less shaken up, how much time passed already. It doesn't really matt-

Blink

I always hated driving in this area of town because the pot holes in some places could house a small array of fish if we filled it up with water, so not too comfortable when you are riding around. Ambulances aren't known for their great suspensions either.

The paramedics must have patched me up at some degree because I feel less dizzy and lightheaded, I can even turn my head.

Joost is buckled in one of the seats closest to my head next to a paramedic. His face is in his palms, small sobs visibly shaking his body once in a while.

“Joost” i can't do more than a whisper, my voice not taking too kindly to me laying in freezing water for who knows how long, but he hears me and looks up, eyes red and teary.

“I'm sorry”

The expression on his face breaks me. It's disappointment and fear in a way in which you feel most bare when experiencing it. He looks devastated, and I feel the most guilty I have ever felt. It makes me want to make everything better and work on my issues for him but also makes me want to try harder next time so that I wouldn't have to apologise any more. Whichever it will be in the end only time will tell.

For now its bland hospital food, doctors that think they know you because they read some books, therapists who try to guess what's wrong with you from the way you drew a flower but miss every time and finally meds that make you forget who they are, who you are, don't let me forget him, he doesn't deserve that. No matter the moving shapes and colors on the ceiling and the way the faces of people change and morph, no matter the disgusting taste of the pill as the nurse watches me take it, don't let me forget him. Don't make him forget me.

[dohart]

I bite

Logan "Wolverine" Howlett x GN!Mutant!Reader

Platonic!!!

Written 2024.08.11 - 2024.08.24

After the death of your mother and the appearance of strange new powers brewing inside you, you decide to go to America in search of your father and the answers he could give you, but maybe you find something better.

Ch. 1

Crack

“Not gonna grab much with that hand anymore will you now?” you let out a dark chuckle at the man laying in the dark alleyway on the ground in front of you.

A weird kind of buzzing has taken over your mind and you aren't completely conscious of every movement you made as you kicked and slashed him.

To be fair he deserved it. You just wanted to go to the grocery store but this bastard decided to get all mouthy and handsy with the high school cashier running the midnight shift. So here you were now, in the pouring rain with the man laying lifeless, his skull smashed in. Shit. You hadn't exactly mastered your newfound powers in these last few months you had them. You always have been a bit stronger than your peers, but everyone just accepted that you got the lucky genes from both your mother who had always been a hardworking woman and your father who was said to have had “superhuman strength”. Jokes on you seems like his strength is not the only superhuman thing he passed down to you.

You stepped over the man, you needed to find your father fast before these little…moments, you had hurt an innocent, but for now the most important thing was getting home without catching a cold, you took off in a small jog leaving the body behind to be discovered in the morning.

_______________________________________

“Four men were found dead thus far. They all lived in the same area, frequented the same places and were described as unpleasant and outright aggressive.” The professor slid the crime scene pictures on the table. “The police are convinced they were attacked by mountain lions, except no mountain lion has ever wandered that deep into the city so i have my doubts, mainly because…” he put one more picture on the table. It was frame from some security camera footage of the last victim of this series of murders leaving a store with a shorter figure clad in black tailing right behind him.

Logan looked over the pictures with a frown. They sure seemed like animal attacks at first sight but the longer he looked at them the more the scenes reminded him of the ones Victor used to leave behind when they used to fight together. Vicious, bodies torn apart like someone tried to cut them up into fine pieces with a dull knife then left the bodies on the street to bleed out.

“Do we have a suspect?” He looked at the professor who turned his head towards Ororo, the woman stepped forward.

“Yes, a pretty clear one, it was actually weirdly easy to find out who our suspect is as they go to the same store in the middle of the night once or twice a week, and the cashier saw them every night before a body was discovered.” She said, arms crossed. “Nineteen year old ____ ____, seems to be squatting in a nearby apartment building with a few other young adults, from the information we gathered they seem to be a foreigner who arrived a few months ago and had been moving around the country since then.” She concluded, looking around at the people in the room. Jean and Scott were still looking at the pictures on the table, Logan was staring out the window, not looking at particularly anything.

“So why call in all of us?” Scott took the words straight out of Logan's mouth. “This is a pretty straight forward situation, we go there and bring the kid here no issues.” He said looking at the Professor who just shook his head with a smile.

“Well yes, but I was hoping that Logan could maybe do us the honor of going to fetch this young mutant as he has experience with these kinds of powers.” The Professor looked at Logan with a strange glint in his eyes. He had to notice the similarities too to what Logan had told him about his brother and what these murders looked like.

Logan sighed, he really didn't want to play babysitter but was also a bit curious about this mutant. “Alright, but someone has to come with me or this might end ugly.” He looked at the Professor.

A few hours later he and Ororo were standing in front of the aforementioned building looking at a piece of paper with a door number scribbled on it that a teenager gave them after they described their suspect and offered him a cigarette. They walked up the creaky old stairs that were definitely a safety hazard until they arrived at their destination. Ororo knocked on the door and after a few moments of awkward silence a young woman opened the door.

“What?” Lovely attitude

“Hello does someone named ____ ____ happen to live here?” Ororo asked with a smile to which the woman looked her up and down then answered with a click of her tongue.

“No.” She tried to slam the door but Logan was faster and put his foot in the way, blocking her.

“No need to lie, we know they live here, we just asked out of politeness.” He glared at the woman with a fake smile. She frowned at him and after a few fruitless attempts at closing the door opened it again.

“We don't speak to cops.” She stated to wich a genuine smirk crept up on Logan's face.

“Well then it's a good thing we aren't cops then, lead the way.” Ororo stepped into the apartment making the woman scoff and start slowly walking away, motioning them to follow her.

The apartment was decently sized, it must have been quite the luxury accommodation before it got abandoned and repopulated by squatters. The woman led them to a living room where a few other people were sitting, chatting and playing cards.

“____!” She exclaimed to which a younger looking person who was sitting on the ground playing some faded card game snapped their head up. They made a questioning hum and the woman gestured at Logan and Ororo who were standing behind her. “You have visitors.” She said then turned and walked away, sending a side-eyeing glance at Logan.

“Are you ____ ____?” Asked Rororo in that same sweet but firm voice she had been handling this whole situation in. The kid stood up from the ground and stepped closer to her, defiantly.

“Depends on who's asking.” They said with a smirk, slight accent bleeding into their words.

“We are.” Logan snapped, “We have some questions for you.” The kid sized him up, familiar gray blue eyes narrowing.

“Ask away then.” He looked back at Ororo, annoying grin still on his face.

Logan saw Ororo look at the people still in the room, some had gone back to their own conversations but it was obvious that everyone was listening to them.

“I don't think you want to discuss this here.” She looked back at the kid “It's about a few…unfortunate deaths that have happened in the area recently.” she explained. The young mutant's body visibly tensed, nose scrunching up and unnaturally sharp canines peeking out from under their top lip slightly.

“I needed a smoke anyways.” They rushed past Logan mumbling, walking out the door then down the stairs, not checking if they were being followed. Outside the building they sat down on a curb and lit a cigarette, exhaling smoke through their nose. “So what do you want from me?” They asked looking up at the two mutants standing above them.

“You killed four people ____…but we are not the police, we aren't here to arrest you. We can help you, you could learn to control whatever it was that made you do that.” Ororo reached out a hand towards the young adult sitting on the curb finishing the last of his cigarette with hurried breaths.

“And what if I say no?” They tossed the slightly burnt filter that was left between their fingers.“What if there isn't a thing that's making me do this, what if they simply deserve it?” They stood up looking at Ororo with a frown. The sun was going down and people were slowly retreating to their homes. Logan could swear that the kid had orchestrated this whole thing, making sure noone was there as witness in case of a fight.

“I don't think that's the case.” She tried to put her hand on the kids shoulder but was quickly shrugged off as they flexed their hands, sharp, strong nails growing longer.

“We'll see.” They growled and swinged, Ororo stepping out of the way with practiced ease and a sigh.

“Your turn Logan.” She said distancing herself from the soon to be fighting ring.

Logan smirked, he had waited for this ever since he saw those pictures, but seeing the actual perpetrator he unwantedly let out a soft laugh. This kid was about half his size in all dimensions, slight almost unnoticeable tremors running through their body as they took up a fighting stance. He wouldn't use his claws, he decided. Let's see how the kid does first.

The young mutant growled and kicked his food off the pavement launching himself towards Logan who dodged without even blinking. This seemed to enrage the other as they flung their arm towards him. Logan thought about catching their wrist but their movement suddenly stopped and their other hand plunged in his abdomen. Logan grabbed his opponents neck by reflex but they just squeezed something inside him then put both their legs on his chest and kicked Logan away, freeing themselves from his grasp. Logan quickly snapped out from the surprise that overtook him. The kid was standing a few meters away, quickly fading bruises on their neck and their hand tightly clutched around a piece of Logan's liver they just ripped out.

“Alright kid, done playing. You're not the only one with fancy claws here.” He clenched his fists, adamantium claws unsheathing. The other mutant's breath staggered for a second before he took up a fighting position once again, he wasn't going to let down just like that.

While Logan had underestimated the young adult at first they were definitely no match for him, overpowering them in minutes with sheer strength and fighting experience. They now lay face down on the pavement with Logan kneeling on their back, claws impaled into the ground on one side of their head. Both their clothes were sporting a few holes here and there but Logan made sure to not nick the kid too much, already feeling the scolding he, a grown adult, would have gotten if he hadn't held back in this fight.

“Are you done?” He asked the kid wriggling under him. He sent him a sharp look then nodded and Logan let him go. “No reason to fight it Bub, you are not beating me any time soon.” He tried to give the kid a hand but got promptly ignored.

“Give me an address.” they said to which both Logan and Ororo gave them a confused look.

“What do you need that for?” She asked.

“To go to your child soldier factory where you want me, so i can tell whoever sent you to fuck off and leave me alone.” The previous cockyness was completely gone, replaced by pure annoyance. Storm smiled at them which seemingly disgusted them even more.

“We have a car, if you pack your bags now we can take you there, no need to go all the way yourself.” She offered and got a snort out of the kid.

“Yeah no, that's how people get trafficked. Either give me an address or fuck off.” They were one to talk about trafficking. Logan was sure they had used that little organ snatching number before. Ororo sighed and nodded and soon they were on the road, driving back to the school empty handed, only bringing back the promise of a murderous nineteen year old that they would actually show up, yeah sure.

Ch. 2

“And you believed them? That's low even for you.” Scott followed Logan in the hallway whisper-yelling at him as they were walking to the Professor's office. He had been waiting for them at the door, appointed to show the new student their room and quite annoyed that he had to stand outside for nothing.

“I-look I know an honest kid when I see one.” He retorted, emitting the information that he had doubts about your honesty and didn't understand himself why they let you go in the first place. No issue, the Professor would read his mind anyways so there was no way out of this.

“You are on point Logan.” He heard a voice in his head and could almost feel the old bastard smiling as Scott opened the door to his office.

“They let the kid go.” Cyclops exclaimed as he stepped inside, a short “I know” ringing in their ears soon after.

“If Logan believes that our young recruit will come here themselves then I believe it too.” Logan had wanted to die many times before but never would he have believed that it would be out of embarrassment.

That's how he ended up at four in the morning getting on his motorcycle with no sleep in him ready to come find you and bring you to the school no matter what.

_______________________________________

“You can still stay with us you know, just because your mother is gone we won't kick you out.” Your aunt said while helping you fold the little clothes you had. After your mothers early death you knew you had no place in this shared family home anymore so you decided to flee the country and somehow get to America to find your father. Easy enough in idea, a bit harder to do in real life. You would have wanted to stay, you really would but something had changed inside you and you could feel that something bad was approaching, you couldn't let your family be hurt by it. So you left. You packed essentials in a backpack and left everything else in your dresser, telling your aunt that she could sell or gift them away if she so wished. She swore she would never do something like that.

Getting out of the country through the forest was relatively easy, so was finding a guy who was willing to sneak you on a boat to America for some favors and your mothers jewelry. What wasn't easy was your first night on that boat.

You woke up in a pool of cold sweat, hair sticking to your skin making you shiver. Your mind felt like it was wrapped in a winter blanket, muffling the sound of people walking around and making you feel like you were overheating. The man who helped you get on the boat slowly creaked the door to the storage room you were hiding in open and you closed your eyes, acting like you were asleep. The smell of years of alcohol abuse and lack of hygiene filled your newly heightened senses as he approached your sleeping form and crouched down next to you. Only a few more weeks and you would be there, only a few nights you had to endure this. When the ship docked you would kill him. You promised yourself as you bit into your own arm to silence a growl that was emerging from deep within your chest, canines feeling sharper and drawing blood for the first time, but not the last.

_______________________________________

You were actually crazy there could be no other explanation to why you were currently on the side of the road walking towards the address you were given, instead of doing what you should have done and skipped town immediately. You were crazy, the change of scenery and the blood had gone to your head and you have actually lost it. You were angrily mumbling to yourself, dim streetlights and the pale moon being your only source of light, yet you couldn't get yourself to stop, to turn away, to do what your brain was yelling for you to do.

A car whizzed by you, then another, then a motorcycle. You weren't paying much attention until the sound of the motorcycle shut off and you could see a dark shadow on your bath only a few steps ahead of you. You didn't slow your steps and didn't look up, whoever stopped couldn't even touch you before you cut them up.

“Need a lift Bub?” A familiar voice. You looked up to see the man who had beaten you with annoying ease only a few hours ago looking at you with no venom in his eyes. Oh you needed a lift alright, preferably to heaven, or hell. It didn't really matter at this point.

“I don't have a helmet.” You threw him a lazy excuse and he scoffed.

“I'll drive slow.” He told you in a mocking tone and you sheepishly approached the motorcycle he was sitting on. Getting on with some difficulty and holding onto the man in front of you while touching him as little as possible.

That went out the window the moment he revved the engine and took off as you let out a yelp and gripped him for dear life as he started driving at a speed that you couldn't believe anyone to consider slow.

The trees on the side of the road flew by you at lightning speed as you drove down the forest road, you were squeezing the man in front of you while holding onto your bag by curling around it, a small tiny tear bubbling out from the outer corner of your left eye and flying off your face a moment later.

Soon you arrived into a more populated area and as the rising sun slowly crept up the horizon you could feel the man in front of you slow down gently. He turned his head slightly towards you and asked.

“Are you hungry?” You took a few seconds to get your ears to stop ringing and make sense of what he said then without lifting your forehead from where it was pressed into his back you nodded. Yes, you were hungry. You hadn't eaten something proper in a few days as your funds extended to a maximum of one pack of biscuits per week. You did some odd jobs here and there since you arrived in the country but that money dried up quickly when you were on the move. You felt the motorcycle pull to the side and stop soon then a hand grabbed your arm half-gently, snapping you out of your head. You quickly let go of the man with flaming embarrassment and jumped off the motorcycle. You were in the parking lot of some stereotypically american mom and pop restaurant that you had only heard being talked about before you arrived. You and the man entered the establishment and sat down at one of the strangely sticky booths. Soon a joyful middle aged woman came up to you with a notepad and a smile that was brighter than the rising sun.

“What can I get for you tough guys?” She chirped and the man looked at you. You looked back at him, having no idea what you could even get in a place like this. He snapped his eyes away from you and looked at the woman.

“A glass of whiskey for me and some pancakes with orange juice for them.” He ordered and you couldn't help but feel a bit infantilised as those you imagined were considered the kid menu option. The woman scribbled down something on her notepad and looked back with an apologetic smile.

“I'm sorry dear but we don't serve whiskey in the morning.” She tapped her pen on her notepad as she looked at the man sitting in front of you, he nodded and spoke with a sigh.

“A coffee then, as strong as possible.” The woman nodded and walked away, leaving the two of you in awkward silence.

You sat face to face but not looking each other in the eyes until you couldn't do it anymore and decided to break the silence.

“I didn't get your name yesterday.” in the midst of trying to rid him of his lungs it slipped your mind to politely ask for his name so he was currently stored in the ‘nameless weirdo’ section in your brain.

“Logan.” Came the short answer. You looked up at him, studying his face for a moment.

“Fitting.” You mused out loud, half caring if you actually said it or not.

“What's that supposed to mean?” He asked, but you just shrugged humming, he just looked like someone with that name, no deeper meaning than that. The food he ordered for you quickly came, probably due to not a lot of people being in the diner at five thirty AM. You silently thanked the woman with a nod and started to cut up your pancakes.

As you ate slowly Logan spoke again.

“Where are you from?” He asked before sipping his coffee, but never looking away from you.

“Eastern bloc.” You stayed vague, he wouldn't know the difference between the countries anyways.

He hummed like when someone doesn't really listen to what you are saying but still wants to contribute.

“And what would bring someone like you to cross the ocean just to come squat in abandoned buildings here?” He put his mug down holding eye contact with you. You stopped chewing and swallowed your food before answering him.

“A family friend lives in the area and I'm trying to find them.” You half-lied.

“And is this man more family or friend hm?” He cocked his head to the side immediately clocking your lie, somehow he even knew it was a man you were looking for. You continued to chew on your food, averting your gaze and focusing on the few people populating the diner. As you looked over the place you half heartedly decided to ask him a question.

“Were you born like that?” You looked at Logan from the corner of your eyes. “With the claws?” You clarified. He laid back in his chair looking out of the window and at his motorcycle making a few faces before he answered.

“I was, but they used to be just normal bones.”

“Hm” you nodded, finishing your plate. You sat in awkward silence for a moment until he stood up and walked towards the counter to pay. After he was done you both left and walked back to his motorcycle.

“Ready?” He laughed at you, pictures of your terrified face during your earlier ride probably popping up in his mind. You hummed and put on your backpack, clutching it to your chest as you got on.

_______________________________________

“Logan is bringing in the new student.” The Professor said as Jean walked in his office, the woman looked out the window not yet seeing anyone approach but knowing that you would arrive shortly.

Ch. 3

Living at Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters - which was truly a mouthful of a name - was not as bad as you first expected. Having done all your schooling back home and being quite older than the other students there made you a bit of an anomaly amongst anomalies, as you didn’t attend any classes and just hung around the property while the X-Men were trying to figure out what to do with you. It was nice, you had three meals a day and you were free to roam around the garden to read and draw all day long. You could have gotten used to it, but the rational part of your mind knew this wouldn't last forever. You still needed to find your father to learn to control your episodes of rampage that you luckly hadn't had any of during your stay yet and you knew you couldn't just stay here all your life, you needed to decide on what you wanted to do.

“Stargazing?” The sound of Logan's voice snapped you out of your thoughts, you had put down your book and had been staring at the clear blue sky for the past twenty minutes at least.

“Very funny.” You smiled sarcastically and let him pull you to your feet, holding onto his arm. He wasn't the asshole you thought he was at first, you realized as you got to know him this past few weeks. I mean, he was an asshole, he just had a few good qualities to him that you could appreciate. He also seemed to give you special attention, not like you had an issue with it. You didn't exactly have friends yet so you were happy to have someone to play cards or silently stare into nothingness with. When you talked you felt like he was truly listening to you and you felt more and more comfortable telling him things about yourself, even though you still tried to avoid the topic of your father and your goals to find him as it seemed to be an uncomfortable spot for him so you let it be.

He started walking away and you followed him wordlessly. He led you to the gymnasium and instructed you to put on boxing gloves.

“I'm going to teach you how to properly defend yourself Bub.” He entered the ring.

“I really don't think that's necessary, you know that.” You chuckled at him, letting down your hands in disbelief. You had just fought a few weeks ago, he couldn't really believe you were defenseless.

“You don't want to kill people every time you fight them, and the way you fight you might do just that to a normal person, but-” he approached you and started to guide your body into a defensive position. “-you’re not nearly good enough to beat a mutant.” he raised his hands to fight and clicked his tongue. “Come on Bub!”

The night air hit your face refreshingly as you walked out of the gymnasium and into the garden. The night sky was beautiful, stars more visible without the light pollution of the city. You started to walk towards the end of the property when Logan stopped you.

“Where are you going?” He questioned, hand on your shoulder. He has been watching over your every move, you knew, you heard him and the other teachers talking about you and your father in hushed tones but decided to not listen in. Professor Xavier would know anyways if you did and you tried to force yourself into blissful ignorance for as long as possible. So you smiled at him.

“I left my book in the garden earlier, i'm just gonna go get it.” It was half a lie. While you did leave your book in the garden, getting it was not the only purpose of your walk. You had made sort of a routine of sneaking out of the school's garden and into the forest at night. It wasn't for anything nefarious, you just felt more free. While staying at the school was great, knowing that there were at least two people who could read your mind at all times was making you uneasy so you took these little nighttime trips to think about stuff you didn't want anyone interrupting on.

The old stone of the garden wall scraped against your palm as you scaled it, strong nails digging into it and helping you stay up but any cuts it made started healing instantly, not nearly as good as the healing you have seen Logan do, but a fun little piece of your power that only recently manifested. You made a less than gracious fall on the other then got up and tried to get off the dead leaves that clung to your clothes. Freedom at last. You took off into the forest, zipping up your hoodie and putting one hand in your pocket while you made small scratches on the trees you passed with the other one. The forest was mostly calm, silence interrupted by a few gusts of wind and the sound of nearby nocturnal animals here and there, but that was just the sound of nature so you calmly continued your walk.

This reminded you a lot of the summers you spent going out into the forest to look for mushrooms with your cousins after rain. You play fought and chased each other around, then as you grew transformed it into banter and friendly conversations as you looked for mushrooms for the entire family. Here you didn't recognise any of them, some little features always different from the ones you saw at home so you never dared to bring back any to the school.

You crouched down next to a mushroom, you couldn't make out the color of it in the dark but you admired the sparkling drops of dew in its wide cap.

“Make sure to not eat any that's poisonous.” A man's voice spoke behind you and you jumped up, stepping on the mushroom as you turned around. An old man was standing in front of you, cane in hand and hat on his head, looking like he just stepped out of a silent film. You looked around and took a big breath through your nose but couldn't see or smell any human other than you in the woods. You narrowed your eyes at him and took a step back, ready to run or fight if the need arose.

“Can I help you?” You asked, voice unkind, bordering on accusatory.

“Oh no I doubt it right now, but I think I might be able to help you ____ ____.” He smiled at you and you hardened your expression, claws slowly creeping out without your permission. He chuckled and walked over to a nearby tree stump where he sat down.

“You know you look a lot like him. Well not anymore, he has changed quite a lot, but you look a lot like him when he was younger.” The man looked up at you, staring into your eyes.

“Who are you talking about?” You asked, cautious of every movement he made.

“Sabertooth, your father of course. You've been looking for him, haven't you?” Your eyes widened at the mention of your father and you stepped closer to the man.

“Who are you?” You questioned, looking down at him.

“My name is Magneto, I can bring you to your father and make you into the best version of yourself.” He stood up forcing you to take a step back. You looked back in the direction where the school was. “You don't need to decide now.” He put his hat that was previously resting in his lap back on. “Find me when you have made your decision.” He said then walked away. You watched him melt into the darkness of the forest, footsteps and smell slowly fading away as silence took over the area. There was no wind, nor animals making their nightly rounds, just you, your heart beating so fast you were sure it would rip out of your body.

After a few moments of this you decided to go back to the school, scaling the wall again and grabbing your book on the way back. As you looked up you noticed that the Professor's office still had the lights on, one curtain lightly moving like somebody had just been there. You sped up the stairs and straight to your room. That night you didn't dream, you didn't do anything, just floated in your sleep and complete silence.

Ch4.

Next morning you woke up with your head pounding like it was going to blow up. You stood up, pain making you dizzy and forcing you to sit back down. As you sat there you thought about last night's events, for a second you would have thought it had all been a dream until you lifted your eyes to your book, pages slightly warped from being left out in the night.

“Uh fuck me.” You groaned, chugging down the glass of water that was on your side table hoping it would help dissipate the pain.

It didn't. After a few minutes you decided, headache or not, you were going to get on with your day and do something productive, though what that was you weren't sure yet.

Leaving your room after a quick morning routine to make yourself presentable you were walking down the hallways, passing by classrooms where you could hear different kinds of classes going on - you really had overslept. You decided to look for Logan but the sound of his voice found you first, you approached the open door of the teachers break room and listened.

“The most important thing is that we keep them away from Sabertooth, and then we are good no?” Asked Cyclops.

“That's not exactly a solution-” you heard Logan sigh “I can already see Victor in them, and not just their face but the way they fight and act. My brother-” you took in a sharp breath and snapped your eyes wide “-was always unpredictable, and I believe that without proper training so will be ____, and that could be a real danger to all of us.” You clenched your fist hard, holding back a dry sob and replacing it with a scowl. You walked away, hearing the two men continue their conversation but deciding to not listen anymore, you had heard enough. In a rational part of your mind you knew that everything that Logan said was the truth and not meant as an insult, but to hear him say it out loud made you want to tear your skin off and scrape any resemblance you had to your father. It hurt to hear him talk about your father and you like that, and it hurt to know he had hid your relation to each other for so long. Why? Were you not good enough a fighter or an intellectual? Those were things that could be changed over time but you knew what couldn't be changed is you being your fathers child. If his reluctance to reveal your family connection came just from the bad history he and his brother shared then that was just too bad for you. You were seething as you stomped back to your room, you decided to go read in the garden as usual to calm down, maybe if you got lucky the grass and flowers would absorb you and you wouldn't end up disappointing everyone like you always did.

Reading did help even if the main storyline was quite boring and you were only still putting up with the annoying main character to get to the end of the side story that was actually interesting. Whatever that's not important. As you laid on the grass reading, you heard unfamiliar steps approach you.

“Whatcha readin’ tiger boy?” Suddenly your book was snatched out of your hands and lifted up to the stranger. It was one of the students, a few years younger than you like most people here. He had a smug look on his face as he gave you small side eyes while reading your book.

“Can I help you?” You stood up from the ground towering over the boy by quite a bit.

“Yes, you can tell me how you killed those guys downtown a month ago.” He smiled up at you, white teeth almost sparkling in the sun. You frowned down at him in disapproval and took the book out of his hand.

“I don't know what youre talking about, little boy.” You snorted as you packed your stuff away, muttering about not letting yourself be bullied by a literal child. He grimaced at the name and took a step closer to you.

“You really are useless without the Wolverine ordering you around aren't you?” He spat with venom in his voice. Your light annoyance quickly transformed into boiling rage, familiar buzzing in your head slowly muffling the logical part of your thinking.

“Mind repeating that?” You snarled, nails growing as you walked closer to him.

“You're just like a dog, doing what others tell you.” He doubled down and you let out a low growl. You tried to hold yourself back knowing that you would only end up hurting the kid but when he laughed at your inaction, the last thread of your self control snapped.

You pushed him back with force making him fall on the ground with a yell that made some other students look in your direction. You crouched down over him swiping a clawed hand over his chest, ripping his shirt and flesh, as he tried to get out from under you.

“Not so brave now.” You smiled and grabbed his hair to pick his head up from the ground.

“Please-” he hiccuped, previous cockyness completely gone. You would have laughed at him but the sound of someone running towards you made your head snap up just in time to see Logan tackling you off the boy and onto the ground.

“What are you doing!?” He yelled at you and held you down by your shoulders as you struggled to get out. You were only seeing red, thrashing like a wild animal caught in a trap. “What. Are. You. Doing?!” He asked again, showing you against the grass to punctuate every word. You snarled at him.

“Why do you care? In your eyes I'm just like my father anyways!” You lifted your head closer to his face, voice dripping from venom and anger.

“What are you talking about?” He backed up, confusion apparent on his face as he held you down.

“You don't think I know? You can whisper all you want with your little X-Men friends but the truth was going to come out eventually!” You finally wriggled out of his grasp and kicked yourself away. “I'm not your brother! So don't think that ‘saving’ me was going to be some kind of redemption for not being able to do the same for my dad!” You yelled, Logan dumbfounded and stared at you. “And you couldn't even tell me to my face that you were my uncle! Are you ashamed of me? Am I not good enough for the Wolverine?!” You could feel tears gathering in your eyes but you would not let them fall. The sadness you felt as the seconds passed without Logan answering you washed away your red, hot rage leaving you feeling betrayed.

“That's what I thought.” You said quietly, a single tear rolling down your cheek. You turned away and started to run towards the direction of the garden wall. You could hear Logan call out after you but you didn't care, you wanted your mother and you wanted to be normal. As you left the garden and ran into the forest you finally let your tears fall.

After walking around in the forest for close to an hour you felt calmer but not any less hurt. You thought about going back to the school, but knowing you would have to face Logan after all the things he said made you continue walking away. A tree branch snapped and you quickly whipped your head around to see the old man from before standing behind you.

“Do you always hang around in the forest looking for mutants to reunite with their fathers or is it pure coincidence that we meet again.” It came out meaner than you intended, nerves still tight like a guitar string from your earlier confrontation. Magneto laughed, a low chuckle that resonated in your bones.

“Believe me, that our meeting here was not planned at all.” He said before looking at you with a strange glint in his eyes. “But maybe not a coincidence either.” You frowned slightly, not completely getting to what he was trying to tell you. “Have you made your decision?” He asked you and you took in a sharp breath. You have completely forgotten about yesterday in the heat of today's events. You thought about it for a minute. If you stayed you could continue to ignore your problems and act like all was well, but if you went with Magneto you wouldn't have to face Logan and you could potentially get answers on your mutation, not to forget meeting your father, the man you came here to find in the first place.

“I'll go with you, if you take me to my father.” You finally answered. Magneto smiled and put his hand on your shoulder as he led you away deeper into the forest than you ever have been. You looked back towards the school feeling unease rise in your gut but stomping it down as quickly as possible. This is what you wanted, what you came here for.

Professor Xavier stared out of his office window towards the forest. He could hear your thoughts get farther and farther away until they slipped from his grasp. He sighed looking at Logan who was trying to look unbothered as he looked for small details all around the room, quieter than usual.

Ch5.

“I would like the eggs and the flour please” you were younger, almost didn't reach the counter yet as you slid the money your mother stuffed into your pocket towards the cashier. The shop was small, not much bigger than your living room and cramped full of all kinds of food and sweets you knew you were not allowed to buy. It was alright, your mother promised to make your favorite for dinner after you came back from the store so you easily tore your eyes away from the various rooster shaped lollipops.

“Here you go.” The older woman gave you a bag and gently tugged your hat on your head to make sure it covered both your ears. Yout thanked her and said goodbye to her and another shopper who had arrived. As you left you noticed your shoelaces were untied so you put your bag down and bent over to start tying them, accidentally leaving the shop door slightly closed.

“What a shame…” you heard the other womans voice filter out. “For such a beautiful woman to have whored herself out to that foreigner.” Your movements froze. It wasn't the first time you heard people talking like this about your mother but every time they did you felt so ashamed, like you had taken something from her.

“Watch your mouth now!” The shop owner snapped. “Things like this happen even to the women of the highest class, you should be ashamed of yourself speaking like this about one of your own.” You finished tying your shoes, the conversation in the shop slowly fizzling out in the wind as you walked home. Despite your satisfaction that the shop owner defending your mother brought, you couldn't help but feel the shame of being born eating at you. You were the only proof of your mothers brief relationship with that man, if you hadn't been born then she would already be married and happy by now.

“I'm home!” You exclaimed as you kicked your boots off. You waddled to the kitchen where your aunt and mother were preparing dinner already and put the striped plastic bag on the table. You stood there for a moment, hesitant to ask the question that had been bothering you ever since you left the shop.

“What does ‘whored’ mean?” You asked. Your mother and aunt gasped in unison and turned otowards you. You knew it was a bad word, you saw how people reacted when someone said it and you knew it had something to do with you being born but you never dared to ask.

“Where did you hear that?” You mother crouched down to you looking scandalized. ‘Where didn't you hear that’ was a better question, your family wasn't known for talking like aristocrats, but somehow any kind of swearing had become forbidden when you were around.

You tried to answer her but your tongue felt like it was made out of lead and your thick coat started to suffocate you, the edges of your vision becoming fuzzy as you struggled to get out the words. You suddenly felt cold and then,

You woke up.

Groggy as every other morning you opened your eyes and stared at the cold metal ceiling of the place Magneto had brought you to. He told you all about some kind of brotherhood and all but in the emotional state you were in you didnt care to listen much. The place was freezing and looked like the places you slept in during your first week in America. You missed the warm bed you woke up in every morning at the school, but this was for the best, you rationalized in your head. Back there people saw you as a threat, like all the people here, you would fit in soon enough you just needed time.

Adjusting to the other mutants of the brotherhood was one thing, adjusting or at least trying to adjust to your father was completely different. It wasn't all happy tears and long lost family connections that you hoped for in your dreams. You two didn't talk, at all. He was there standing behind Magneto during his grandiose speeches and he was there sitting at a corner table when you ate lunch but he didn't seem to care much, and you were way too scared of his hulking figure to make any more of a first step than introducing yourself. When you watched him go around his day your mind often wandered back to Logan. Before you often imagined your father by filling in the empty space with your uncle, american movie stars or male teachers. Then you met Logan and for a bit didn't feel like thinking about your father. Then finally when you found out he was your uncle you started to see a faceless Logan filling the role of your father in your dreams. Now you had a face to tie to your father, you had claws much like your own, voice cruff and unwelcoming and eyes that never even looked at you. You felt lost and envious for the life you could have lived at the school but you knew that you had made your choice, and Magneto knew too.

“There is an anti-mutant protest tomorrow.” He approached you, seemingly stepping out of nowhere. “Important heads of these groups who seek to destroy us will be present-” he looked at you, waiting for something “-I presume we can count on your talents?” He narrowed his eyes at you, question not leaving the space for a no. You nodded your head and whispered an ‘of course’ wich seemed to satisfy him as he left you alone. This was it. This was what you had chosen and you were going to stick with it no matter the consequences. You weren't going to back down just because this life isn't rainbows and sparkles like you have expected.

The next day arrived quickly and you were instructed to blend in the crowd of protesters as one of the less easily identifiable mutants. You had two boxes of metal wire in your bag that Magneto planned to use to immobilize individuals. When that was done your job was to track down a specific talking head and ‘deal with him’. Magneto was vague in his commands but you knew he wanted you to kill the man, to show where your loyalties lie.

All was going according to plan. You were in the front third of the crowd, silently moving forward between people who were chanting and screaming for the death of all people like you. As you passed a church you looked at the clock, thirteen fifty nine, you reached into your bag and lifted the coils of thin metal wire up above your head as the clock struck zero and the coils flew out of your hands. The yelps quickly turned into screams as people fell to the floor and all hell broke loose. You continued advancing towards the podium where your target was standing, halfway through his speech confused on what was going on. Suddenly the two body guards standing next to him collapsed, this being your sign you lept on the podium and tackled the man who let out a pained yell as you sunk your claws into his neck, pinning him down but not killing him just yet. Magneto arrived, taking the place of the man you had on the ground. He was looking down at you eyes not disappointed but promising to be if you didn't do what your job was. You gulped but decided to stay right as you were for the time being.

Magneto spoke with the voice of a king who was holding his own head, yet still alive. He radiated the feeling of superiority even as the people he caged to listen to him shouted and spat insults at him. Most of the protesters had wire around their necks, not painful or uncomfortably tight, but present, there as a promise to people of the consequences if they as much as moved in the wrong way.

The sky suddenly darkened and thunder rang out as the only warning before the X-Men arrived. Magneto made an uncaring gesture with his hand towards a few of his men before continuing on talking to the crowd held hostage. As the X-Men approached and a few individual fights broke out Magneti sighed and looked down at you.

“Kill him. We are leaving.” He ordered. Your nails were still dug into the man's neck from earlier leaving him shaking and weakly begging to be let go for the past twenty minutes, he yelped and continued on louder and more frantic. You looked down at him, hatred all gone from his eyes and replaced with fear. For a moment you felt pity, but you wouldn't be fooled, people like him either live heroes or die martyrs in the eyes of their followers. You slowly retracted your nails from his neck and lifted your hand. You paused for a second then, grew your claws out again stronger than before. You striked, but before your claws could dig into the man's throat you were kicked away and almost off the podium.

“What the fuck?!” you yelled at the blue man who had just tackled you. He smiled and in his moment of distraction you kicked him in the face.

Magneto scowled and with a flick of his wrist let go of the protesters who started to scatter, causing chaos.

“You hesitated.” He looked down at you then the blue man who was holding his head from your kick then stepped down from the podium and disappeared into the crowd.

“Wait!” You yelled as you got up but he was nowhere to be seen.

“Scheiße~” you heard the man groan behind you. In a panic you quickly looked for Magneto in the crowd once more then when you realized you have been truly left behind you bolted. You ran trough the fleeing crowd and into a small alley. You scaled a dumpster and a fence before half elegantly falling on the other side.

You ended up on a narrow street, shops all closed and noone in sight. You stopped to catch your breath and crouched down slightly for a moment.

“____!” A deep voice calling out to you. Your head snapped up.

Logan was standing on the other side of the street, breathing slightly labored and looking as pissed as ever. You let out your claws and growled at him as you squared up.

“You don't want this. Come with me, we are going home.” He huffed and walked closer to you to wich you let out a warning noise.

“Fuck you!” You spat as nothing came to mind.

You wanted to go home to the school and you wanted to go home to your family but you were mad. You were mad at Logan even though you knew it was unreasonable. You were mad at him for finding you, you were mad at him for bringing you to the school and you were mad at him for discussing you with others just out and about, if he hadn't done all that you wouldn't be here, you wouldn't have been disappointed by your father and you wouldn't have disappointed Magneto. You knew that it wasn't truly him you were angry at, but from behind your rage you had a hard time seeing reason.

Ch. 6

Before he could get another word out you launched at him, trying to get a few quick blows in to surprise him before trying to actually take him down. He was heavy and short making him quite literally an unmoving force for someone like you, much weaker and lighter than him. Your best bet was tiring him out and then bolting, as during your weeks of training with Logan you had learned that healing factor here or there, his skeleton looking like a malnourished tin man made him remarkably slower than you, and with enough effort even he would start to get tired, mentally if not else. So you ran at him, slashing at any exposed part of his body to let out your frustrations, then kicking off and putting some distance between you two. You went at it for about ten minutes, becoming sloppier and sloppier with every attack until, you left an opening and Logan punched you in the gut making you fall on the ground a few meters away. You winced in pain and spat some bile that had arose from your stomach on the ground but got back up as quick as possible. Logan stalked closer to you, expression unreadable.

“We don't have to fight kid, I don't want to fight you.” He said, tone firm but unmistakably sad.

“Well I do.” You snarled at him as you resumed your well practiced fighting position. He sighed deeply and squared up. You hesitated a few moments then lunged at him again, only this time he wasn't playing easy with you anymore and slammed you into a nearby brick wall.

Sweat dripped down from behind your ears as you could feel his knuckles touching your forehead, two of his claws deeply embedded into the wall on the two sides of your head, one move from him and you would be dead immediately.

Logan didn't want to kill you though, he wanted at first, thinking it would be easier, but the dreams he kept having about it made him realize the mistake he would be making.

“Stop already! I. Don't. Want. To. Fight. You.” He said every word separately, like someone would to an unruly toddler and you felt pinned in place, literally. Like a butterfly in a display case, vulnerable. You scrunched your face up, holding back tears.

“Did you mean it?” You asked, voice wet from the approaching tears.

“Mean what?” Logan let go of his grip on you and looked at you in confusion.

“That I was a danger to all of you.” You quoted his exact words.

Logan took in a deep breath and looked towards the street where the protest had happened a mere half hour ago. He stepped away from you and dragged his palm down his face sighing.

“The only person you are a danger to-” he narrowed his eyes at you “-is yourself. But that, you are constantly.” He chuckled and you couldnt hold yourself back anymore. You rushed him and buried your face in his chest, sobbing and squeezing him to yourself. He made a startled noise at first, then gently hugged back, though a bit awkwardly.

“Easy, easy.” He shushed your cries as you shook in his arms. You stood in the street, Logan gently holding you while you cried and hiccuped. Finally after about ten long minutes you finally seemed to calm down and lifted your face from his chest.

“I want to go home.” You whispered, voice hoarse from all the crying.

“I'll take you back to the school, c'mon.” He started walking but you stayed in place.

“No. I want to go home to my aunt and uncle.” You said, few new tears rolling down your cheeks. Logan stood there for a second, then nodded.

“Well talk to Wheels, hell figure something out for you.” He pulled you with him as he walked, presence reassuring.

Less than a week later you had said your goodbyes as you boarded your plane to go back home. The Professor had told you, you were always welcome at the school and gave you a small card with just the schools name and banner on it, he said they would help all they could. Logan didn't say anything. He didn't have a phone or a plan of what he was going to do in the future so he just told you, you would find each other when you needed to. You were going to miss him you knew that, by the time you landed you already did. And you knew that one day you would find eachother again.

Seven years later you moved to America in hopes for a better future and maybe finding Logan. This time around you had promised to keep in contact and send frequent updates to your family and had a shared apartment and a job pretty quickly after your arrival.

You tried looking for Logan and even ended up at the school to ask for any leads, only to find out that most of the people who had saved you back then were gone, including Logan. You didn't leave your room for a while after that. You felt wrong for grieving, you felt like it wasn't your place as you didn't know him for very long even if he was your uncle, but the weight and pain in your chest you felt every time you thought about him being gone had paralyzed you just like it had with your mother.

Time passed nonetheless and slowly you got back out. You went back to your job at a very sketchy local butcher shop and even made friends, your biggest pride being the ‘will they won't they’ relationship you had with a bartender who worked in an equally sketchy pub across the street.

It was seven thirty and you prayed for time to go just a bit faster so you could close up shop for the night and go to sleep already when two men entered the shop. You half-heartedly greated them as you continued to stare at the telenovela that was playing on the tiny tv next to the cash register(due to your boss’s obsession, you ended up horribly addicted to the messy tv dramas)

“Hey sorry, do you have any recommendations?” You looked up at the guy who was talking to you, hood pulled up on his seemingly bald head, the rest of him looking like he had made out with a kitchen fire.

“Eh, yea sure. What are you cooking?” The guy made a noise like he wanted to talk before and incredibly familiar, gruff voice cut him off.

“It's for a dog's birthday.” you looked up and nearly dropped the steak knife you were holding. Logan. You gotta be kidding me.

“You gotta be fucking kidding me.” You finally dropped the knife.

[dohart]

Sly and timeless god

John "Soap" MacTavish x Simon "Ghost" Riley

Written 2024.02.27

Based on the hungarian poem "Az ős Kaján" by Endre Ady

Ghost and Soap drink a lot. Alcohol had always made Simon think too much.

Heavy drinking was always a must after a successful mission. It was a way to say ‘we aren't dead, we made it, we won’. Well, some did. Every time a post mission celebration was held everyone tried to ignore the unfilled gaps that have opened up from the death of teammates, but life had to continue, and alcohol was just the thing to make you forget all your fallen brothers whose families will receive the dreaded phone call in a few hours or days. Ghost was fine with that. He has been fine with it for a while and he continued to be fine with it until the day either a bullet or a drink would take him to join his brothers in arms too. He didn't like to think much when he drank, it made him spiral into corners of his mind, he didn't frequent much for a reason, but it seemed like tonight he wouldn't have to worry about any of that.

Sergeant John “Soap” Mactavish. The man had just arrived at the bar after excusing himself to clean up and change from his grimey uniform, he was wearing casual pants, sneakers and a deep violet colored button up that made his sculpted frame look like he had arrived for a modeling contract. Ghost bit his tongue behind his mask, fighting back the urge to roll his eyes at his own description, but luck just so happened to not be on his side and the vision of a man he had previously been thinking about appeared by his side.

“Drinking all by yourself Sir?” Soap approached him and leaned on the table Ghost was standing at. He was grinning like the fool Simon knew he wasn't, and ran hot like a furnace.

“Not anymore I suppose.” He answered before taking a sip of his bourbon.

“Of course not. I wouldn't leave ye to enjoy victory all by yourself now would I?” The question was rhetorical, Simon knew an answer was not needed, but he wanted Johnny to continue talking.

“I guess you wouldn't.” He chuckled deeply and downed the last of his drink. He was already starting to feel its effects, maybe he was getting old. “I'm getting myself another glass then heading outside, if you want to come.” Ghost straightened up and walked away towards the bar, trusting Soap that if he wanted his company, he would follow. And so he did, Soap catched up to him at the bar and followed him outside after ordering a new glass of his own beverage of choice.

“It's nice out here.” Johnny wondered while looking at the night sky. They were sitting at an outside table on the almost empty terrace of the bar they were drinking at. The night was mild in just the right ways and Ghost was compelled to let his scar littered face feel the soft breeze only these kinds of summer nights could offer. He didn't respond to Soap, instead reaching for his balaklava and pulling it off. The chilly night air hit his face and he immediately felt at peace. Normally he would feel naked, vulnerable, dare he say ‘afraid’ without his mask but now he felt like he had nothing that could hurt him, as long as this cunning man was sitting across from him, looking at him, dissecting him with just a look.

“You look distracted, Ghost.” Johnny said, lips curling into a sly smile.

“Simon. Call me that, when we are not working.” Simon said, still not looking at the man in front of him, afraid of what he might see the reflection of those blue eyes.

“Alright then Simon, you seem distracted.” His name rolled off Johnny's tongue like water and Simon felt a shiver run up his spine then travel all over his nervous system. How long has it been since someone has called him that without any hint of concern or malice, just pure, drunk curiosity.

“I should stop drinking or I'll end up like my old man.” Simon spoke, it wasn't what was distracting him, but if he was truthful and explained the way he had been

mentally undressing Johnny, layer by layer for the past hour, he feared the man might flee. So he lied.

“Don't worry, I don't think you can grow a beard like Price.” It took only a moment for Ghost to understand the sentence, then he whipped his head around and was met with Soap nearly falling out of his chair from laughter. Johnny cackled like a bird and banged his palm on the table, which ultimately ended in him spilling his glass of whiskey.

“Shite!” He yelled standing up to save his clothes from the spill. “Sorry, but you just looked so surprised. Guess I should get myself another glass, I'll get you something too while I'm there.” Johnny took his and Ghost's glasses then walked away. Simon felt wired, weak, and most surprisingly, he wanted to sleep, a rare occurrence in his palette of wants. But he couldn't leave now. Not when he was finally able to be so close to the man he has slowly and painfully started to admire and adore, like a devotee and his saint. Johnny might have seemed like an open book but Simon knew better than to blindly believe anything. Any man with a bit of experience in trying to stay private would notice that Soaps openness was very curated, only showing the pages he wanted people to see.

“Here you are, look at what I scored us.” Soap came back with a bright smile and an unopened bottle of whiskey clenched between his side and muscular bicep as he juggled two full glasses. Finally he sat down and handed one of the beverages to Ghost, putting the bottle in the middle of the table.

“Cheers.” Soap lightly tapped his glass against Ghosts before downing his drink with a grin.

They drank, and talked, and joked, and nipped at one another all while slowly, ever so slowly scooting closer and closer to each other at the circular table. In no time Ghost felt his head dropping on Soap's shoulder.

“S'ry.” He apologized, trying to lift his head up weakly.

“No problem.” Johnny said softly and helped him lift his head up properly. “Should probably get back to base now or we will never hear the end of it.” Soap chuckled and stood up. He put his arm under Ghosts, helped him up to his feet and helped him put his mask back on. “There you go Simon.” He smiled, his face right next to Ghosts. Simon was in heaven, or somewhere close to it at least. The alcohol made him run hot, and made Johnny run even hotter. He felt like he was being pressed to a radiator. A soft, kind, nice smelling radiator.

“You smell nice.” Simon murmured, half asleep, barely conscious enough to know what he was talking about.

“Ay I know, new soap I got from my sister.” Johnny mused “But you can't go around saying things like that L.T, people might think you fancy them.” Fancy. That was a word Simon hasn't used since he was a preteen. It felt weird to think about it, Ghost couldn't allow himself the luxury, but right now he wasn't Ghost, and he wasn't exactly in his right mind either, so maybe he could give away some.

“What if I do?” The words left his mouth when they arrived at base, the quiet of the night giving way for the anxiety that crawled up to Ghost. They entered the officers quarters, approaching Simon's room.

“If you really do…we could definitely work with that.” Johnny grinned brightly, opened the door and helped Ghost to his bed. He flopped down like a sock puppet. Then Soap tried to leave and he shot up like he just came back from the dead, grabbing Johnny's hand like a lifeline.

“Stay here!” He pleaded and the apparition that Johnny was, turned around and blessed him with a smile.

“You'll thank me later for not staying.” He took Simon's hand on his own and stepped closer to him.

“Please.” It came out as a beg, and it was one.

“Well have to discuss some things tomorrow L.T. You'll be happy they won't be the first thing to think about when you wake up hungover.” Johnny turned his hand over and planted a soft kiss on the back of it. “Good night Simon.” He left, just as abruptly as he arrived hours earlier. Like a festive spirit, a sly and timeless god.

Simon woke up with a splitting headache.

“Bloody fucking hell.”

[dohart]

My brother, my blood

Alex Keller x Farah Karim

Written 2024.01.26

Farah had to bury a lot of people in her life, she wishes she would never have to do it again.

The first time Farah uad to bury someone was when she was about six years old. Halim was her cat, well not entirely. He was her cat as much as he was Hadirs or neighbor Sa’adahs cat but she was the one who found him peacefully laying under her window on the ground on that fateful morning. She had cried and clung to her mothers abaya, to her six year old self Halims death was like the world was crumbling down on her.

One year later her world did seem to be ending. She didn't cry when she saw her mothers lifeless face under the rubble, she could only hope her pleas for her to get up would somehow bring her mother back to life, but nonetheless she stayed limp, pale, unmoving. Farah didn't get to bury her, the last time she saw her being laid out on the street by rescuers as her father carried her away.

Her fathers death was much the same. Left behind to bleed out in her childhood home fueled by the promises that all would be fine.

Only if she knew

At times she wished she had stayed behind, death might have been more merciful than Barkovs men.

Alex tapped her shoulder gently, pulling Farah out of her mind.

“Shift’s over Farah, go get some sleep.” She looked up at him. Alex was beautiful. She hadn't thought of him as such for a very long time yet, but the moment the seed of this thought had fallen into the soil of her mind, it had taken root and was impossible to get rid of. Alex was blonde, blue eyed, happy faced and young when Farah had encountered him for the first time. Even though she had known Alex was CIA and had probably seen just as much battle as she had, she felt like an old, war torn tree looking down upon a field of freshly sprouted flowers.

Not now. Now Alex looked older, more tired. He went to hell and came back from the dead for Farah and it was showing, but the shine of his eyes never dimmed, never faded away so Farah had no other choice but to accept it. Alex was beautiful.

“I want to stay here a bit longer.” She turned her head back towards the setting sun and closed her eyes to bask in its last warming rays before night would fall and the sand would cool.

“Okay” he stood behind her for a bit then spoke again “I'll leave you to it then.” He tried to step away to give her space but Farah snapped her head towards him and reached out.

“No, stay.” Her voice was low, but no quietness could overshadow the desperation in her words.

“Sure.” He smiled and sat down next to her and watched the last rays of the sun disappear under the horizont.

“I…I hadn't had the time to say it, when it would have been appropriate lately.” Alex's face shifted to a light frown. Farah watched him in question, taking note of the last little bits of light that clung to his eyelashes. “Farah, I'm really sorry about Hadir.” He breathed out slowly looking at her.

Hadir.

Hadir liked playing cards. He was kind of a child prodigy, always beating their father, uncles, aunts and anyone who tried to sway his rule as the best card player in the neighborhood. When they were in Barkovs prison Hadir had a pack of cards he stole off one of the soldiers and kept close to himself like his life depended on it. That's how Farah learned how to play. Through explanations spoken between beatings and matches played in the moonlight. It was their secret, a moment when they could be Farah and Hadir instead of commander and lieutenant Karim. Farah never did beat Hadir, but she became a fierce player, never to be bet against unless you wanted to lose money.

What became of him? Little Hadir who comforted Farah when she got picked on by older kids, little Hadir who snuck up their neighbors fig tree and then ran so fast no one could catch him to share his loot with Farah. What happened? At what point did her brother die and get replaced by the man who betrayed her and sold himself to the ones who made their lives hell?

“It's fine. You have nothing to be sorry about, my brother has been long dead.” Grave silence settled on them, Alex wanted to say more and Farah's mind was begging him to continue talking so that she wouldn't have to think about Hadir or what became of him.

“Do you want to play cards?” Alex asked, trying to ease the silence between them.

“I do.” Farah turned towards him. Alex took a pack of cards out of his pocket and Farah was back home again, on the carpet getting destroyed by her brother's impossible skills. Alex gave her her cards and smiled at her. The only lightsource was a meak little lamp over a nearby door but that was just enough for them to see what they were doing. As they played Farah noticed, Alex's eyebrow twitched a little every time he got an unlucky card and the right corner of his mouth pulled upward a bit when he got something good.

“You're beautiful.” Farah blurted out before she even could stop herself. Alex stopped and slowly glanced up at her. “Sorry.” Farah tried to apologize but Alex shushed her.

“No it's fine…thank you. You're very beautiful too, Farah, more than you could ever imagine.” Alex giggled a little, like a shy schoolgirl confessing to her crush. Farah’s mind was blank, she had been told she was beautiful before. Her mother used to go on and on about it every time she would brush her hair out before school and her sisters would tell her such here too when they would meet at the showers but this was different. Farah felt like Alex wasn't talking about her hair or her body like others were, she allowed herself to think that maybe Alex saw through her flesh and looked upon her soul. She imagined him cradling it like it was a newborn baby and somehow finding the broken aged mess of her soul beautiful.

“You should go to sleep.” Alex nudged Farah with his knee.

“I don't want to. If I go to sleep now only Allah knows who will wander into my dreams.” She frowned and Alex understood. He sighed then slowly took her hand.

“I can stand guard when my shift is over. Make sure no one gets to you. No one disturbs your dreams.” He tried to comfort her with a smile. Alex wasn't sure if Farah would think him crazy for his suggestion, but it used to work for him when he was a kid so maybe it would work for her too.

“Hah you're unbelievable…Alex” Farah laughed and it made warmth bloom in Alex's chest making a laugh bubble up from his lungs too.

“I'm not joking Farah i swear!” He took her shoulders in his hand, shaking from laughter, trying to straighten himself upright.

“Alex” Farah looked at him after calming down. “I would never ask you to give up your precious sleep just to chase my monsters away.” The laughter died down and serous quietness took over, it had Alex's stomach churning.

Alex was fifteen years old. He had just woken up from a nightmare about that video his history teacher made them watch about nine eleven. “What could be worse than that?” Was what he thought.

This. This was worse. When Farah told him about her childhood for the first time he felt a bit dull, not truly understanding the graveness of her words, but as time passed and he got to know her more he felt the tugging urge to chase her demons away, to know her safe.

Farah stood up. She hung her gun on her shoulder and took a few steps stretching her sore appendages.

“I will be in my room, if you need me for anything.” She walked away without another word and left Alex out on the roof in the night.

Alex spent his entire guarding shift thinking about the interaction. What made Farah change mood so fast? Did he say it in a way that was mean or weird? Did he make her uncomfortable? No, he definitely didn't want to do that, he had to apologize to her as soon as he could. When his shift passed and the next person came to relieve him from his guarding duty, he quickly hurried to Farah's room. He knocked twice, then waited listening to the light footsteps he could hear from the other side of the door. Farah opened her door just wide enough to look out, then opened it fully upon seeing that her guest was Alex.

“What are you doing here?” Her voice was low and groggy, her hair out of its usual tight braid and her eye bags were deeper in color than the last time Alex had seen them a few hours ago.

“Came to say sorry, for well…if i made you uncomfortable with the whole…” Alex made a circular motion with his arms “...guarding your dreams…stuff.” He finally managed to get out.

Farah was unmoving like a statue, her eyes drooped threatening to close as soon as she lost focus for a moment. “Yeah it’s okay…” she yawned. “...I'm not against it so if you really want to…” she gestured towards her bed then left the door and went to the soft piece of furniture to lay down.

Farah was exhausted, more so than she had been as a child in Barkovs hands. Her thoughts and words made no sense in her mind anymore as she walked to her bed and slowly laid her body on the cold surface. She could hear Alex entering the room and closing the door behind him. Farah turned on a small desk lamp in an attempt to help and Alex switched the big light off getting the message. He sat down on the ground next to her head and put a rifle next to himself.

“No Alex,” Farah complained. “come come, there is enough space on this bed for the both of us” she tugged at the man's shirt in an attempt to pull him into bed next to her. Alex shook his head and leaned close to talk to her.

“I can't, or i'll fall asleep” he told her.

“That's the point, I want you here Alex please. I want to feel that you are alive.” Farahs voice was full of desperation. Alex had heard that his disappearance and presumed death hadn't been easy on her, but he had a hard time believing it when Farah was so cold to her the first few months after his ‘resurrection’. Now she was begging him to lie down slightly shaking as she gripped his shirt, so who was he to disappoint?

With a gentle smile he pried Farah's hands off his shirt and sat up on the edge of the bed. After some bickering with his prosthetic leg he pulled the thing off of what was left of his calf then slowly laid down on the bed, making sure to touch Farah as little as it was humanly possible. He turned the small desk lamp off then adjusted the covers so that Farah would not get cold.

“Thank you.” She murmured and buried herself in his chest. So much for not touching, Alex laced an arm around her upper back and pulled her into himself in a protective motion even more.

“Good night Farah”

Farah was thirty two years old when she buried her family for the last time. Hadir had a simple grave, no stone, no nothing, the only sign of someone being buried there was the freshly dug up dirt and the handful of local wild flowers on it. There were poppies in the bunch, making Farah remember how they had to hide in a field of them to survive, but making her remember even more when Hadir and her would play hide and seek in those same poppy fields. She didn't cry this time either, not in front of others at least. She just stared at the tomb, having a hard time actually believing that under that stack of dirt was his older brother, buried forever.

“I'm sorry.” Alex said “I'm sure he's in a better place now.” His comforting was nothing too creative, but for Farah someone coming with her and waiting patiently for however long they needed was all she could ask for.

“Thank you.” She smiled and turned to the grave one last time. “Goodbye brother” she turned away and left in the direction of the base with hurried steps, Alex close behind her ready to protect her from whatever comes their way.

Feedback welcome

[dohart]

Non-evil exes

Ramona Flowers x GN!reader

Written 2023.12.05

Ramona briefly had a non-evil ex before Scott.

It was your final year of uni and you were so ready to be done with it. You just had to suffer through this last semester and then you were ready to take on adult life in a completely different profession than what you were studying right now, you have thrown a lot of money at this school and you refused it to be for nothing.

You were stacking hair dyes in the convenience store you worked at, conveniently only a few minutes of walk from campus. You liked this job since it was fairly easy and you especially liked stocking the hair dyes as it gave you almost endless time to decide what your next hair color would be. As you were thinking to yourself, grinning like no minimum wage retail worker had ever before, a girl stopped next to you. You took a glance at her to make sure you weren't in her way and your eyebrows immediately shot up.

“Ramona Flowers?” You asked standing up straight. She sent you a questioning look.

“That’s my name.” She said, eyeing you suspiciously.

“Do we know each other?” You put a few boxes of hair dye on the shelves while you answered.

“Not really, but I know you. You're that girl who played those two tall Japanese dudes.” You lifted your hand above your head miming the height of the twins.

“Oh, yea let's not talk about that.” She trailed her eyes down to the floor, clearly ashamed.

“Why did you do it?” You turned to her and leaned on the shelves of dye.

“I said I don't want to talk about it.” She snapped at you justly, picking up a box of red hair dye and storming away.

“Shit.” “Shit” indeed. You came off way too pushy, you forgot most people don't like that. Most of your friends knew not to take it the wrong way but it was understandable that a stranger was put off by it.

You continued to stock shelves for a few more hours then when your shift was over you went home. It was only 4pm, meaning you had a few more hours before you had to go to your other job, your way more fun job that was single handedly keeping you sane. You were a bartender at a local club, not the dream job for everyone but you were absolutely crazy for it. You had always been a social butterfly and you have always liked mixing stuff so being a bartender was like if the doors opened to a dark, loud and sweaty heaven, it was fun.

After a few hours of laying around, studying a bit and catching up on a few series you got ready and left to go to the club. You changed into your half waterproof bartender attire, clocked in and went out front.

“Hiya! Sooo happy you're here. James left early because he was sick so I've been all by myself for the past half hour.” your coworker came up to you shaking some drink in a shaker.

“Well I better get to work then.” You smiled and went up to your first customer.

It took two hours for the people to calm down enough that you could have a conversation with your coworker.

“Do anything fun today? I woke up with a crazy hangover so I stayed at home.” she asked while cleaning a few of those reusable plastic cups.

“Nah, not really. I did fuck up my chance with a girl if that counts.” She cackled, throwing her head back, her long braid jumping from the motion.

“How'd you do that man?”

“So there was this whole thing on my campus about two twin guys who were total playboys. But it turned out that one of the girls they were seeing was actually dating both of them at the same time. So i met her today at the store when i was working but she didn't seem very open to talking about the situation and i might have pushed a bit too hard so she left.” You explained to your colleague. She sighed.

“Seems like you dodged a bullet there.” She went back to putting cups in the dishwasher.

“I don't know what you mean.” you laughed. You knew exactly what she meant but you were consciously oblivious to red flags.

“Yea sure. You have a customer.” She jerked her head to the right, your eyes following the motion met with, Ramona.

“Oh hey Ramona.” If death stares could kill both from her and your coworker you would have been obliterated already.

“What can I get you?” you put your elbow on the counter and leaned on it.

“A gun.” She said with dead seriousness.

“We are in “the land of the free” love, you can get that at every corner store. What would you like to drink?” You put on your best customer service smile.

“A beer.” She said without much hesitation or specifics.

“Allright sure.” You were getting a bit annoyed. You could usually make things work even when the other person was all gloomy and edgy but Ramona was not at all open to your pleasantries. You tapped her a glass of some no-name light beer and walked back to her.

“Thanks, how much?” She opened her wallet.

“Zero. It's on me, for making you uncomfortable back in the store.” You sent her a genuine smile. She reciprocated it and walked away into the crowd. You leaned onto the bar counter and watched her walk away.

“So that's your dream girl?” your coworker scoffed and made a face.

“I just said she was pretty, I never claimed to be into her.” You tried to defend yourself.

“Uh-huh you always fall for these dyed haired walking red flags who walk all over you.” She walked over to a customer and got them their drink.

“And besides, she's obviously not into you.” She gently kicked you in the ankle.

“Ow, fuck you! Hahh life is hard” you draped over the counter dramatically. After a moment you lifted yourself up and went back to your job you just ignored in favor of your nonexistent relationship drama. The hours passed fast, you liked this job so it was easy to pass the time. The club had closed and you were finishing up cleaning the bar when one of the stage managers came up to you.

“Heyy, could you go check someone out in the bathroom please? The security guys are breaking up a fight outside and I really have to go back to the office.” She asked, two hands put together in a praying motion.

“Yea sure.” You put the paper towel you were holding and walked up to the bathroom. You pushed the door open and walked to the stalls bending down a bit to see which stall had someone in it. You saw feet at one of the back stalls so you walked up to it and knocked.

“Hey the club is closed, you gotta go home!” You yelled. When there was no answer you tried again, when your yelling was again followed by silence you sighed.

“Okay i'm going to open this door now get ready.” You used a trick you learned when you first started working here to open the door from the outside and pulled the door open. What welcomed you was the Ramona Flowers sitting on the closed toilet lid passed out cold.

“Oooh fuck meeee.” You were sure you were cursed, of course it had to be Ramona. You crouched down and poked her on the arm, when she didn't react you pinched her arm which made her jolt and sit up eyes wide looking at you.

“Wakey wakey princess.” You stood up and reached out towards her. She realized what you wanted so she grabbed your arm and you helped her stand up. You grabbed her bag and jacket that were hung up on the stall door and led her out of the toilet. She sat down at the bar and you gave her a glass of water which she accepted with a tired smile.

“Should I take you to the hospital?” You asked, finishing the cleaning that was cut short earlier.

“No thanks, I'm fine.” she said, voice rough from sleep.

“No offense but you look pretty out of it, you sure noone spiked your drink or something?” Worry was apparent in your voice but she just waved you off.

“No, I'm fine, don't worry about it. I should get going, I think.” She hopped off the barstool losing her balance and having to catch herself with the side of the bar counter.

“You're going by taxi right?” you put the last glasses away and were now just looking at Ramona.

“No, by bus. Why?” She asked, putting her coat on and zipping it up.

“Yeah no. I'll walk you home, youre prime real estate to get mugged, or worse right now. Give me a second to change.” You took your apron off and opened the door to the changing rooms.

“You really don't have to do this.” She objected but you were already halfway changed.

“Don't worry about it! You live in the dorms right?” You popped your head out from behind the door frame. She nodded.

“Then we would be going to the same place anyways.” You put your bag on, turned the lights on and closed the door behind you.

“Okay let's go.” You walked up to Ramona. You left the club and walked to the nearest bus stop. You tried your best to have a conversation with her but she didn't seem all that open at the start, but by the end of your bus ride you were both chatting openly. You arrived at the dorms, your rooms were in different buildings so this was time to say your goodbyes.

“It was nice getting to know you Ramona. We…we could do this some other time soon? Without the getting black-out drunk part but i really enjoyed talking to you.” She smiled and nodded.

“We'll talk about it tomorrow, I'm sure we'll meet.” She walked up to you and kissed you on the cheek.

“Good night.” She said then turned away and walked into her building. You walked back to your dorm and dreamed with Ramona.

You did meet her the next day, and you even got a date that same day. Your date ended with both of you sleeping in your dorm room relieved that your roommate was out but still getting a noise complaint.

You continued to do this for a few more weeks. Going on dates, meeting at the club, sleeping at the other's dorm when one of your roommates was out. You started to really like Ramona and you felt like she liked you just as much but it seemed like that the more you liked each other, the more she tried to pull away from you. After a week of her ignoring you and not answering your calls you decided to act.

You were standing in front of her dorm room. You knew her roommate was not in there because you met her on your way up the stairs. You knocked.

“Yea whats-...up?” She opened the door, instantly quieting down when she saw you. You stepped in the door and she stepped back. You closed the door behind you and sat back on a chair close to you.

“Ramona.” You looked up at her. She was anxiously standing next to her desk and picking at her skin.

“I think we should break up.” She sat down on her chair and nodded.

“Yea, we should.” She still refused to look at you. You stood up and walked out the door.

“Bye.”

From that point on you didnt see her much. You had a few classes together but outside of those you both avoided each other like the plague, mostly of awkwardness and not anger or resentment. You were both adults and you knew if a relationship is not worth saving there was no reason to put all the work in it.

Half a year later you got a letter from some dude named Gideon Graves. He was talking about some shit called the league of evil exes saying that you could be the seventh evil ex. You threw it into the trash. You couldn't believe that some bitter ex-boyfriend of Ramona would want to make a league of her exes, you really hoped no one took his letter seriously.

A year had passed since your break up with Ramona. You had moved to toronto and were working at a bar as a full time job when you met her again.

“Oh hi Ramona.” You obviously took her by surprise from the face she made when she saw you. She was with a guy who was furiously looking between you.

“Whos this?” He asked, snapping Ramona back from her shock.

“O-oh this is, my…one non-evil ex.” She introduced you. “One non-evil ex”? Okay sure.

“What?” You shot her a confused look.

“There is a league of all my evil exes.” She informed you.

“Is it the thing made by that Gideon guy?” You asked, with a smile on your face. You wouldn't believe what you were hearing.

“Yes. How do you know that?” You laughed at that. This was hilarious and you were going to tell all your friends after this shift.

“He sent me a letter like months after we broke up telling me to be in his league. To be honest I thought he was joking.” you tried to calm your giggles.

“So you had to fight them all?” You looked at the guy who was with Ramona. He looked very out of place with a cup of zero cola in his hand.

“Yea.” He answered looking around awkwardly. You smiled at them.

“So, did you win?”

[dohart]

Decided to upload all my finished fics here

My AO3 is in my bio

No one night

Wallace Wells x FtM!Reader

Written 2023.11.26 - 2023.11.30

You were new and you were drunk. He wasn't new, but he was also drunk. You both find out about the existence of sparks.

Ch.1

You weren't quite tipsy…yet. You weren't exactly trying to get black out drunk but Canadian winter was cold and you didn't have any friends so you tried to warm yourself mentally and physically before you had to go home. The “no friends” part was technically not true, you were at Julie Powers party after all so she could kinda be classified as a friend.

“I wanna go home.” you mumbled. You weren't the most extroverted and all these people just made you claustrophobic so you squeezed through the crowd to get to Julie.

“Hey i'm gonna go.” You tug on Julie's sweater when you get to her.

“Okay?” She answers confused.

“You don't have to ask permission.” She chuckles.

“Mhm okay bye.” you back out of the room and put on your clothes on readying yourself for the harsh cold outside. You put on your headphones, walk down the stairs and into the streets taking your usual route home.

“You don't have to ask permission-of course i don't. Sorry for letting you know fuck man.” You think angrily mumbling yourself. You pause and stop when you pass a convenience store.

“Im gonna get something real to drink.” you walk into the store and go to the alcohol aisle. You browse for a while trying to decide what alcohol to drown your frustration in when you sense someone next to you.

“..........” you hear muffled speaking. You take off your headphones and straighten up to face the person talking to you.

You come face to face with a black haired man, about your age and looking at you with a permanent half smirk on his face.

“Sorry?” you ask with an eyebrow raised looking at the man suspiciously.

“You just looked puzzled on what to buy. I was saying i recommend the Martini vermouth…if i may.” he answered you, cocky smirk never leaving his face, you swore he even winked for a moment when he said that last part of his sentence.

“Oh, well Martini is more of a ‘lots of people’ drink or whatever, I'm drinking alone.” You look at the bottle of Martini on the shelf next to you then look back at the man who also took a look at the bottle.

“Well in that case,” he reaches past you and takes the bottle in his hand. “I can't give you “lots of people” but we could drink this together. What do you think?” he asks with a warm expression on his face.

“Uh…sure, just give me a second.” you walk over a few shelves and take down a medium bottle of the cheapest vodka you can find.

“I uh I promised myself to get drunk tonight and that's not gonna cut it so yea…” you awkwardly stand with your bottle not knowing how to finish your sentence.

“Alright let's go get some snacks then can we go to your place? My roommate is having a date in mine.” He says walking over to the snacks.

“Yea sure.” You trail behind him. You were not sure what was exactly going on but you weren't about to say no to company for your late night drinking session even though your brain was righteously telling you “this is how people get murdered.”

Ten minutes later you were walking out of the store with your bags filled with snacks and your respective bottles of alcohol.

“I’m Wallace by the way, we didn't introduce ourselves” he reaches a hand out to you. You shake it telling him your name.

“You got an accent, you're not from around here are you?” He asked, looking up at the sky while walking.

“No, I'm not. I moved here a month ago.” You reply looking up also, wondering what he's so focused on.

“That's cool. So got to know anyone around this side of town?” He asks, looking down at you and you mirror his actions. You take a second to answer him, studying his appearance. He is dressed elegantly but casually at the same time, his outfit reminding you of a fresh out of university history teacher you had in high school.

“Yeah, I guess you could say so. I was just at this girl Julie's party so there is one person I know, and then there is you so that's two already.” you quietly laugh to try to ease the awkwardness. You look back up at the sky. It has started to snow a bit, the little icy crystals dancing around in the wind before they fall onto the ground, your clothes and eyelashes.

“That's cool, don’t worry about it. Noone says you have to cultivate a giant friend group.” he pats your shoulder and lightly smiles.

“Yea…We're here.” you turn towards an apartment complex. You walk up the stairs and inside of the building after you punch in the code. You quietly walk to your apartment door and get inside.

“Take off your shoes please.” You say taking your coat, hat and scarf off. He nods and takes his shoes off.

“Sit down, i'm gonna go get us glasses and bowls…ah i don't have a big table or couch so you have those poufs to sit on.”

You point at the coffee table in the middle of your living room. It's not that you didn't have enough furniture. You just needed a table, chairs, a couch, a bedside table, a coat rack, a-maybe you were missing some furniture, but to your defense you did just move in a month ago so you didn't really have the time or energy to properly decorate the place yet.

You came back with two glasses and a few bowls, you put them down on the coffee table that Wallace had already filled with the food and drinks you brought. You filled the bowls and opened both bottles.

“Which one do you want first?” You asked Wallace, holding one of the glasses.

“Martini obviously, hey i had an idea,” he handed you the Martini bottle that you started pouring into his glass.

“What if we asked each other questions and had to drink two sips if we don't want to answer?” you held out the full glass to him and poured one yourself too.

“Sure that way we can skip the more awkward stages of getting to know each other.” You put on some background music and sat down in front of Wallace.

“Cheers!” You held your glass out looking into Wallace's eyes deeply.

“Cheers!” He taps his glass against yours then downs his drink in sync with you. You pour the both of you a second glass and you start the game.

“Okay so,” he thinks for a second “what are you doing here in Toronto?” he asks.

“Like, job-vise or just in general?” you question.

“In general.” he puts his lebow on the coffee table and his head into his palm while looking at you.

“I came to Canada because I have distant enough family here that they won't bother me much but still help me if I need it but I'm far enough from home to feel free.” You answer him. You might have left out a few specifics but it's not on you to tell him everything if you don't want to. You look at him and he nods, humming then gestures with his hands telling you its your turn.

“Do you have a lot of friends? I mean you seemed surprised I only knew one person here and you came up to me, a complete stranger in the store. You must be quite the social butterfly.” you slowly sip your drink looking at him.

“Yea i wouldn't say i have a lot of friends but i do talk to people easily, and even more when i drink. Like now.” He grins at you and you can't help yourself smiling back.

A few hours pass like this. You questioning each other and sipping your drinks either as a punishment for not wanting to answer or just a way to occupy yourselves while the other was talking. Slowly the questioning turned into genuine talking and then talking turned into laughing about nothing as the bottles of alcohol got drained.

Around 3 am you have run out of booze. You were laying on the carpet next to each other laughing so much about this guy named Scott your stomach hurt and tears were running down the side of your head. You had to admit Wallace was really funny, just the kind of chaotic you liked and told stories like a stand-up comedian. This night was truly the one your have enjoyed the most this past month since you have arrived to Toronto.

“Aha-h ah stop Wallace i can't!” You got out the words trying to stop your laughter from bubbling up again.

“Sorr-rh-ry but it's true i sweah-ar.” He spoke back trying to calm himself down.

“Ah god my stomach hurts…pffff” you said putting your hand on your aching abdomen.

“We should go to sleep, it's really late.” You turned your head and looked at the clock on your wall, then turned back to look at Wallace.

“I'll go get you some clothes to sleep in, drink some water while I do that.” you got up on two legs, still quite woozy and seeing double, but you have already crossed greater distances in this state at this point in your life so you weren't about to let it stop you.

You entered your room and dug around in your drawer pulling out a large shirt and some sweatpants. When you got back into the living room you found that Wallace had already sat up and was drinking a glass of water while staring at a some random spot on your wall. You walked up to him and put the clothes into his lap.

“Here you can change into these. I'll just go and put all these in the sink and then I'll go to sleep too.” You picked up the empty glasses and bowls from the table and went into the kitchen. You put them into the sink then washed your hands and turned around to go to your room. When you entered the living room you were met with the sight of Wallace in nothing more than his underwear.

“Ah shit sorry!” you turned away

“I thought you were changing in my room.” You told him.

“It's fine, I don't mind.” There were some clothes rustling for a few seconds then he spoke again.

“You can turn around and I'm fully clothed now.” He said in an amused tone.

“Okay then shall we go?” you asked. He nodded and you both went into your room. You laid down and pulled the blanket up facing away from each other. At Least you were facing away, you couldn't see the position Wallace was in due to having your back turned to him. You shut off the small light that was on the floor next to your bed.

“Good night Wallace.” You said.

“G’night” he drowsily answered you.

Due to the alcohol still coursing in your veins you were out cold in minutes but you could have sworn that you felt arms wrapping around you in your dreams.

Ch. 2

Next morning you woke up with a headache. Not the kind that would crush you and make you want to stay in bed all day, but more the kind that is just strong enough to be mildly annoying but could easily be solved with a glass of water. You thanked all that was holy for your remarkable alcohol tolerance as you sat up and stretched. You got out of bed and sleepyly walked towards the kitchen. After crossing the living room stepped inside the small kitchen and jumped with a high pitched noise that could hardly be called a scream.

“AH-fuck! Wallace, you scared the shit out of me!” The man quickly turned around at the noise of your arrival.

His hair was messier than yesterday meaning he probably hasn't fixed it yet after getting up, he was making some egg based abomination in a pan on your gas stove wearing the same sweatpants as yesterday and, for some reason, shirtless.

“Good morning to you too.” he greeted with a rasp in his voice signaling that he hadn't woken up much earlier than you.

“Do you want some omelet?” He asked, pointing at the pan with a movement of his head.

“Yea no thanks my stomach is still pretty messed up from yesterday i think i'll skip it, do you want tea though?” You walked over to the water heater and turned it on then started rummaging in a box of unlabeled tea filters. When he didn't answer you you turned to him.

“Do you want tea? Also, can I ask something?” You questioned.

Wallace seemed to be zoned out but your question snapped him back.

“O-oh yea yea sure the tea and the question, go for it.” He hurriedly went back to making his omelet trying to not burn it.

You faintly smiled a bid which he reciprocated which you followed up by completely deadpanning.

“Why are you shirtless?” You asked.

“I remember giving you a shirt last night, that's about the only thing i remember…” the water had boiled so you took two mugs and poured the hot water in them. You put a nice smelling(but still unlabeled) tea filter into your mug and looked back at Wallace waiting on an answer.

“It was warm in here and i have a tendency to undress in my sleep so i woke up like this, i have no idea where your shirt went.” He told you while looking through your tea selection looking increasingly concerned about the chaos of it.

You hummed a noise of aknowledgement and went back to stirring your tea that had some honey in it by now.

“At least I have something nice to look at.” You said, only realizing your words after you said them, your ears turned a soft shade of red and your tea seemed to be way more interesting than it had been a moment ago.

“What was that?” He chuckled and asked in a teasing tone. You dismissively waved your hand towards him at which he laughed.

Was Wallace gay? You couldn't remember talking about it last night but to be fair you couldn't remember much. He seemed like someone who either could be gay or the kind of guy who everyone thinks is gay until he turns up with a wife and kids. Your thoughts wandered back to your highschool history teacher again but you quickly swatted the images from your head as you didnt want to mix thoughts of your history teacher with thoughts of someone you just flirted with.

You both sat down at the coffee table that still had some evidence of last night's drinking, and started chatting about just everything. You learned that he lives with his roommate Scott(a name that rang familiar to you) and that he slept over last night because Scott had his girlfriend Ramona over. You told him a bit about your friends back home and that your attempts at socialization at Julie's party had all failed due to your social anxiety and general awkwardness around new people.

After you have finished your tea and both changed into outside clothes he asked you.

“Do you want to come eat lunch with me and scott? I need someone who isn't just there to eat me out of my money and make me want to rip my face off.” he looked over to you expectantly while putting his shoes on.

“I thought you liked scotts company, at least a little.” You stood next to the door watching him tie his shoes.

“I do. Scott is nice and Ramona is nice but when they combine, Scotts baffled kindergartener energy with….well whatever Ramona has going on is painful.” He stood up and was now wrappin his scarf around his neck.

“So can I count on you to save me?” He stepped closer to you.

“Pfff…” you laughed “sure, i'll be your knight in shining armor and come save you from your own friend group. Where should I go?” You said in a lighthearted tone getting a bit more serious at the end.

Wallace explained how to get to the pizza place you were gonna eat at, and after a bit more talking you bid each other goodbye. You spent the rest of your morning washing the dishes from last time and doing some general cleaning.

You found the shirt Wallace was wearing to sleep and started to walk towards the hamper to throw it into the wash but as you picked it up a scent made you stop.

“It's like vanilla…and alcohol.” You thought to yourself, smelling the shirt again.

“He smells nice” you stood there for a few seconds, your expression slowly morphing into one of concern.

“Fuck this. Im being weird” your speedwalked to your hamper and threw the shirt in it embarrassed of your own actions. Wallace was hot that's for sure, but you weren't about to get the hots for the first man you could vaguely call a friend in this city. And also what if he wasn't gay. You had a strong suspicion he was but you have had strong suspicions in the past that have ended horribly wrong. And even if he was gay there was no guarantee he liked guys like….you.

You cut your train of thought off before you made yourself upset over nonexistent stuff you made up in your head and sat down to listen to some music and busy yourself with something other than overthinking.

A few hours later you were out on the streets of Toronto doing your best to find the pizzeria Wallace had told you about. You should have asked for his number, a great mistake that you hadn't. After a good twenty minutes of walking in circles you spotted the restaurant. You pulled on the door then pushed once you noticed the sticker that clearly stated “Push”.

As you walked inside you tried to scan your surroundings looking for any familiar face when you heard your name being yelled. You whipped your head around and saw Wallace waving in one of the booths.

“Hi sorry for being late.” You said walking up to the table. You looked at the two other people(presumably Scott and Ramona) and introduced yourself which they did too(they were Scott and Ramona). You sat down next to Wallace who excused himself to the toilet almost immediately, leaving you alone with his two friends.

“So you're Wallace's new foreigner boyfriend?” Scott asked while looking at the menu.

You tensed at the mention of being Wallace's boyfriend, your face becoming red in a second.

“We’re-I-I’m not, I'm not his boyfriend.” You denied, your hands making little waving motions.

Ramona raised an eyebrow at your answer and Scott looked up from the menu and right at you.

“But you went on a date last night and he slept at your place.” Scott said confused.

“Is that what he said?!” blood leaving your face from the schock and entering it from the embarrassment were fighting each other making you look like you were going to faint and have a fever at the same time.

“Well, no,” Ramona cut in, “he just said you went to your place to drink and then you slept together, that sounds like a date to me.” You wouldn't believe what you were hearing. First of all you were angry that Wallace would lie to people about having sex with you and second you were overjoyed to learn that he was in fact gay at least to some extent, seeing that his friends didn't seem very surprised that he “slept” with a dude.

“Slept. Together. We were sleeping in the same bed.” A hand was put on your shoulder as Wallace came back and tried to clear things that his friends misunderstood oh so badly.

You turned your head to look at him and blushed even deeper when he let out a small laugh at your embarrassed expression.

“So you didn't have sex?” Scott asked while trying to get the waiter's attention.

“I have no recollection of it but who-”

“We didn't!” you cut Wallace off putting your head into your palms. Your face was burning and you were already tired from this much social interaction.

“I’m hungry, can we eat?” You looked at Wallace with the expression of a kicked puppy.

Wallace wouldn't answer, he just looked at your face completely dumbfounded. Did he push you too hard? It was supposed to be some lighthearted teasing he didn't want to make you angry.

“Yea i'm starving let's order already.” Ramona cut the awkward silence realizing that Wallace wasn't gonna answer you.

You ordered and talked while you were waiting, then continued talking while eating. Thanks to scotts unserious nature you managed to quickly forget about the earlier misunderstanding and just talked to each other until everyone was finished.

You paid for your food and were getting ready to leave when Scott asked you.

“My band has a show in a few days. You should come see us. I'm sure they'll like you.” He proposed. You thought about the idea for a second then agreed to go. You exchanged phone numbers with Ramona due to Scott “not doing phones” and left to go and continue your weekend routine.

When you left the pizza place you looked back and locked eyes with Wallace through the window. He had this unreadable expression on his face so you waved and smiled before turning away and walking onto the street. You felt kinda bad, while you had a good time any conversation you had with Wallace were still a bit awkward. Maybe you reacted a bit strongly, they were just teasing after all right? It was just a misunderstanding. Still you felt that weird anxious feeling in your stomach fearing that you ruined a potential friendship and regretting not having asked for his number.

Wallace on the other hand was sitting in the booth next to the window, looking at you slowly disappearing in the street. Scott and Ramona were talking about something but he wasn't really paying attention. The whole time he was thinking about where it went wrong. He was probably a bit too straight forward right? I mean, he wasn't even sure if you liked guys, and while usually that didn't really bother him, thinking about making you uncomfortable made him slightly nauseous. He went back to his place with Scott, thinking about you during the whole walk hoping that maybe they would bump into you somehow.

Ch. 3

Two days later you were at some shady looking bar. As you entered you were met with a crowd of half drunk young adults with some definitely underage high schoolers sprinkled in. The crowd already had your stomach churning but you promised Scott on the phone(Ramona's phone) that you would definitely come see them, and you weren't about to disappoint him no matter the amount of people squeezed into this small place. You wandered around and got yourself a negroni to drink when you noticed ramona in the crowd, plus point for brightly colored hair. You made your way over to them.

“Ramona!” You tapped her on the shoulder, finally managing to get next to her. As she turned around you locked eyes with Wallace and felt every single life choice you have made until now go through your head. Of course he would be here, he's Scott's best friend(or something like that). It's not that you avoided him, you lived in the same neighborhood after all. You met at the store and at that café Julie works at a few times and it's really not like you were trying to get rid of him but your stuttering and embarrassed rambling simply made normal conversation impossible, so most of the time you just left with some lame excuse.

Before anyone could say another word a dark brown haired girl pushed past Ramona and loudly introduced herself.

“Hi, I'm Stacey, Scotts sister!” She took your hand and shook it you tried to introduce yourself but cant get much more than your name out before she cutts you off.

“Yea i know, you're Wallace's awkward foreigner boyfriend.” you knitted your eyebrows together. “Awkward foreigner boyfriend”? A few days ago you were just a “foreigner”, you were so focused on the characterisation you were given that you didn't even truly realize that you got called Wallace's friend again.

“I told you he isn't my boyfriend.” Wallace said and looked at you.

“Sure he isn't. Every man you see is your boyfriend sooner or lat-” Stacey couldn't finish her sentence when a loud yell cut through the crowds chatter.

“WE ARE SEX BOB-OMB! ONE TWO THREE!” A red haired girl yells hitting her drumsticks against each other then the music starts playing.

You enjoy the concert quite a bit, they are way better than you expected to be honest which still isn't the best but it's not horrible. You slowly finish your drink. Halfway through the second song you tap Ramona and tell her that you're going to get a refill. You walk back to the bar and you put your empty cup on the counter waiting for the bartender to finish serving other people. While you wait you feel someone walk up next to you.

“Hi, do you come here often?” Someone asks. You turn to face your newfound company getting ready to laugh at the lame pickup line, but when you see the expression on the man's face your amusement leaves you.

“Oh you're serious.” you have to raise your voice to be heard. The man answers with a cocky “yeah” to which you crack a smile.

“No, this is my first time here actually.” you lean on the counter feeling slightly lightheaded from your first drink taking effect just enough to make you social.

“Well then can I invite you for a drink?” He asks, mirroring your actions.

“If i had said i come here often would you not buy me a drink?” You grin at him.

He laughs making you laugh too.

“No, I would have offered anyway but I didn't know how to start the conversation. Anyways, what do you want me to get you?”

you slowly push your glass towards him on the counter.

“I was about to get a refill of negroni in this” you look up at him. He's quite a bit taller than you so you look at him through your eyelashes smiling.

“Give me a second then I'll go get you your drink.” He says and grabs your glass walking towards the bartender. You watch him walk away a few meters, he had a nice ass, but so had Wallace that night when you walked in on him changing.

“Ah jesus fuck.” You rub your nose bridge not wanting to think about Wallace right now after you did just that for the past few days already.

“What's up, got a headache?” The mystery man says walking back giving you your drink.

“No I…I was just thinking about someone I didn't want to.” you take the cup from his hand and down half of it in one go.

“Well I'm here and I would very much be willing to distract you if you want me to.” He steps closer to you running his hand over your one that was laying on the bar counter.

Wallace was concerned. You had left at the start of the show and you still havent come back even though the band wasn't playing for a long time now and the afterparty had started. After Stacey and Ramona said their goodbyes he decided to go look for you. He squeezed through the crowd of dancing people trying to not see double but ultimately failing at it.

As he approached the counter he spotted you pressed to the counter making out with some random guy. He felt jealousy bubble up in his stomach. He tried to reason with himself, you weren't together after all. You didn't have to stay away from people for him, you were your own person, but his jealousy won at the end and he hurriedly walked up to you.

He said your name and when you didn't answer he grabbed your shoulder snapping you out of the haze you were in.

“Oh hi Wallace!” You shouted with a wide smile on your face.

“This is Wallace! His friends call me his foreigner boyfriend!” You loudly explained to the man who looked utterly confused about the situation.

“Alright I think it's best if we leave.” He grabbed your hand pulling you away from the counter and towards the door.

“Bye-bye it was nice to meet you!” You yelled at the guy at the counter vigorously waving with your free hand. You walked out on the street and he let go of your hand opting for pulling your coat back onto your shoulders correctly. When Wallace looked back up he was met with your lips on his. Suddenly sparks shot up all around you until you let go of his face and backed away.

“Th'nk you f’taking care of me Wallace.” You smiled at him.

“Let's go let’s go!” You shouted excited and started walking. You walked in silence for a moment, him walking normally and you making small jumps looking like a pleased preschooler.

“Wallace.” You suddenly stopped and looked at him with dead seriousness.

“Yes?” He asked, also stopping.

“I don't wanna go home yet, let's do something fun.” you started walking again doing your best to catch the falling snowflakes in your mouth.

“Where do you want to go?” He asked with a small smile pulling at his face at seeing your antics.

“There is this shitty broken down playground next to my place, its a lot like the shitty broken down playgrounds we have at home so lets go there.” You say giving up on your snowflake eating dreams.

“Sure let's go” you started walking towards your apartment. After a few minutes of silent walking you started talking, conversation coming easily like before the incident a few days ago. It was nice to be able to talk normally again, and even though Wallace knew it was the alcohol that was making you this sociable he hoped that everything would be okay after this.

You shortly arrived at the playground and sat down at the rusty and cold swings that were the only things still in a usable state in the park. You gently rocked yourself enjoying the winter night with your eyes closed.

“I have an idea.” He started drawing your attention to him.

“What if we told facts about ourselves to pass the time.” He proposed a poor and obvious attempt to get to know you better but your drunk mind didn't pick up on it at all.

“Sure!” You smiled widely

“You start Wallace.” You kicked the ground swinging higher.

“Hm…Me and Scott have been friends since college because he asked me a question during a lecture and I showed up at his house after.” He recounted with a small laugh that you echoed loudly.

“That's some stalker shit Wallace! My turn. I lived in a dorm during high school.” You continued swinging looking at him feeling the alcohol induced fog slowly lift off your mind.

“That's cool, you were surrounded by a bunch of dudes your age. That sounds pretty nice.” he watched you, bobbing his head to follow your movement.

“It wasn't that nice, dorms suck honestly and I was in the girls' dorm anyways so no dudes allowed.” you said not realizing the meaning of your words.

“Why were you in the girls' dorm?” Wallaces question was innocent but it made the blood in your veins freeze, realizing just what you had said.

Your feet harsly collided with the ground stopping your swing immediately. Your heartbeat was picking up and you felt nausea creep into your stomach.

“It's very late, I have to go!” You announced and stood up. You walked in front of Wallace, moved his hair away and kissed him on the forehead.

“Goodbye Wallace.” You said backing away, you turned around and hurried away as fast as you could without straight up running.

Wallace sat there dumbfounded. He didn't know what he did wrong, what he's been doing wrong ever since the day you ate at the pizzeria. Usually it went super easily with guys. They met, they fucked and then he dated them if he found them cute enough. And after all you have met, you have kissed…once and that's it but for the first time he didn't feel like he needed to sleep with you to enjoy being around you. That made him upset in a weird unknown way. He was fine with only having short term relationships built on the foundation of sex so wanting to be close to you even when you pulled away from him like you did confused him. Was he…in love with you? He saw the sparks when you kissed but that could have very well been from the alcohol coursing in his veins.

Wallace walked home and went to bed without his usual theatrics. He soon fell asleep but even in his sleep thoughts of where he went wrong plagued him.

Ch. 4

The snowing was getting heavier as the holidays approached making you anxious that your plane might be canceled. You were on your phone texting your family about the weather, assuring them that your plane wouldn't crash and burn in a snowy tundra. You were excited to go home for the holidays and finally relax a little after the stressful two months you had just lived through.

Speaking of stress. You hadn't had any contact with Wallace in the past two weeks, you hadn't had any contact with really anyone in these past two weeks actually. You were feeling more alone than ever before and you knew it was a stupid way to act but having come from a place where acceptance about your transness wasn't the norm, running away at the first sight of trouble has always been the safest option.

You got snapped out of your thoughts by your plane boarding being announced so you quickly got in line to get on as fast as possible.

Wallace was miserable, that was the best word from it. He hadn't gone to the club in so long Scott was actually starting to get worried. It's not like he didn't try, he went out a few nights after you left him at that playground, but the whole time all he could think about is how much fun you seemed to be having with that other man on the last night you have met. He went to work, and ate, and drank(more than usual) so it's not like he was depressed(he was) he just slept a lot more, and stayed at home a lot more, and yes he may have been depressed but he wasn't about to act like a high schooler crying about a guy he only met a month ago.

“Wallace. Are you crying!?” Scott asked, concerned, walking up to the futon to look at Wallace's face up close.

“No I'm not.” Wallace answered him, wiping a few tears that rolled down his face and turning his back to Scott.

“Look man, I'm not the one to get into your boy problems you know that. But I really think you should try calling him, cause I'm supposed to be the lame and sad one here and not you.” Scott picked wallaces phone up and threw it to him.

“I'm gonna go out now. Call him!” Scott said sternly and shut the door behind himself.

Wallace laid there for a minute contemplating if he should call you, he had your number after all, he asked for it after you had given it to Ramona. He opened his phone and stared at your contact.

“Ahhhhh fuck iiiiitt!” He sighed in frustration and dialed your number. He waited for a bit but his call almost immediately went to voicemail.

“Hi this is voicemail…ehm obviously. I'm on holiday right now and only pick up for like…friends. Sorry. I'll call you back later…maybe.” Your voice chimed in the phone making Wallace ecstatic and even more gloomy at the same time. He had missed your voice so much he was happy being able to hear it again but knowing that it was only a voicemail made him want to break his phone.

Scott came back a few hours later and saw Wallace laying in the bed reading a book, his phone was thrown on the floor instead of neatly put somewhere safe like usual.

“Did you call him?!” He asked, hanging his coat up on the rack.

“It went to voicemail. He only picks up for his friends…he doesn't love me scott i'm telling you!” He closed the book and dramatically tossed it next to himself, putting an arm over his eyes.

“I think by friends he means “people whos number I have”” Said Scott collecting the abused piece of literature and putting it on the table.

“Why are you so upset over him anyways? I've never seen you so out of it about anyone before.” He sat down on the futon next to Walace and lightly poked him in the shoulder.

“There were sparks…” Wallace murmured.

“What? I can't hear you.” Scott leaned closer to his roommate.

“There were fucking sparks allright!? I didn't even know those actually existed! I just thought they were some stupid bullshit middle schoolers made up, but no. They're real.” Wallace exclaimed, throwing his hands up into the air, then letting them fall back down on the mattress.

“Oh…” that was all that Scott said. “Oh” like it’s a fucking jupscare in a bad horror movie. It enraged Wallace getting ready to tackle his roommate but ultimately realizing he was too tired and miserable to do that. He folded into himself almost putting his hands over his ear when Scott started talking again.

“You could call him from Ramona's phone. She probably counts as a friend.” Scott said, rolling onto the futon next to Wallace.

“I'm going to the christmas fair at the end of the week with her, you should come with us. You could finally get out of the house for something other than work or groceries and you could ask Ramona for her phone to call this love of your life.”

He proposed, nudging Wallace in the ribs repeatedly.

“Fine.” Wallace agreed turning his back to Scott.

The end of the week came quicker than he expected. He tried to call you a few more times but every one of his calls went straight to voicemail. At this point he was truly desperate, he wanted to know what was going on and what he needed to do to make it right, so he arrived at the christmas fair with Scott, lines ready, heart beating faster than healthy and full of determination.

They met up with Ramona and after going through a few stalls and Wallace explaining the situation she put her phone in his hand and sent him away to talk somewhere more calm.

Wallace was jazzed but the moment he saw your contact, his aforementioned determination left his body immediately. Still, he reluctantly clicked on your number and called.

It took a few rings until you picked it up and spoke into the phone.

“Hey Ramona! What's up?” You asked in a casual tone he hadn't been able to attain with you for a long time now. You waited for a few seconds then asked for confirmation that “Ramona” was still there stopping your talking when Wallace spoke.

“Hi, it's...it's Wallace, Wallace Wells.” he spoke into the phone.

“Oh, hey Wallace. What's going on?” your tone changed to worried. Wallace could only hear you but he almost saw the way your face dropped when hearing his voice.

“Nothing I…I just wanted to talk to you, we didn't get to say goodbye before you left and my calls haven't been going through so I asked ramona for her phone…are you still here?”

You were on your third serving of dinner with your unrefusable grandmother trying to shove more food into you, and you trying(and failing) to nicely tell her off when your phone rang.

“Sorry i have to pick this up it's reeeally important.” you stood up from the table making your cousins chuckle and grandmother frown with fake anger. You walked out into your grandmother's garden and sat down on the half broken down chair she used to sit on when preparing meat or vegetables. You took the call.

“Hey Ramona! What's up?” you smiled, happy that she had called you. You liked her a lot as a person even though she had her moment sometimes, but who doesn't.

“Hi, it's...it's Wallace, Wallace Wells.” you could feel your face and jaw drop as a shiver ran up your spine, you blamed it on the cold winter night and you, only wearing a sweater but you knew well it wasn't the complete truth. You stood up off the chair and started pacing in a circle in the garden.

“Oh, hey Wallace. What's going on?” you tried to sound confident hoping that your voice wouldn't crack. You could feel a tightness in your throat that you feel when you need to cry but can't get it out.

“Nothing I…” he sounded just as close to crying as you were and you hated that you were making him be that way. In all honesty you hoped he would move on, find some guy to bed over the holidays and then ignore you for the rest of your life, or if you were lucky you could have been friends. But here he was going as far as asking for someone's phone just to talk to you. Your heart swelled with love as you listened to his words resonating in the back of your skull.

“…are you still here?” he asked, making you snap out of your spiraling.

“Y-yeah i'm here i'm listening.” You answered quickly.

“And you're right, I'm sorry. It was stupid of me to run away but I was…scared.” You hold yourself shivering in the cold. You didn't want to put a coat on though, you felt like the cold was making you think clearly and you needed that right now.

“Did I…scare you?” Wallace cautiously asked, fear present in his voice.

“No! No of course not I wasn't scared of you per say, but more of your reaction.” You bit at your lower lip, a bad habit you have started doing in middle school.

“Reaction to what?” Wallace asked, you let out a frustrated sigh.

“Look we should really talk this over in person, I…Ill get back to you when im back in canada okay? Im going to go now-”

“Wait!” You stopped your rambling listening to what Wallace had to say.

“I understand that you are scared, but I'm not going to let you run away from your problems just because you think there is anything in this world that could make me not….love you, anymore.” Wallace's confession was followed by silence that made him fear for the worst.

“You like me?” You asked, your voice breaking against all your efforts.

“More than like. I think I'm in love with you.” Wallace said in a similarly hushed tone.

“I think I do too. I…”

“You don't have to say it. Just promise me that you won't disappear without a word again, and that you'll answer my calls.” Ge let out a small laugh at that last part.

You also chuckled, wiping away a few tears that threatened to freeze onto your cheeks.

“How will I know which one your number is?” You asked in a playful tone, sniffling from the cold and the emotional merry go around you two just went through.

“It's the one you have like a hundred missed calls from.” You could hear the smile in his voice and you nodded, realizing that he couldn't see it.

“Okay.” You agreed.

“But I really have to go now before my entire family starts talking about me.” You looked at your aunt who was smoking on the porch and definitely not eavesdropping on your conversation.

“Okay, take care.” Said Wallace softly.

“Bye.” You said.

“Love you.”

“I…me too.”

Ch.5

“Boy problems?” Asked your aunt as you passed by her on the porch.

“No.” You lied. You loved your family to death but you didn't like it when they put their nose into your personal life, that's one of the reasons why you left for Canada in the first place.

“Hmmm sure. I understand you know, us women have to stand strong because young men are nothing but trouble and they don't get much better with age.” she took a long drag of her cigarette and blew it out into the cold night. This was the reason you didn't like talking about stuff like this. These people, your family knew nothing about who you were. They saw a brave young woman going to Canada to chase her dreams but that was not you. You couldn't fault them, you didn't tell them after all, only some of your closer cousins knew and that was enough for you.

“Okay, thank you.” You tried to make this conversation as short as possible but you knew this wasn't a choice with her.

“Look, I know we don't talk much, we never did but I am your aunt so I'm going to be very honest with my question right now.” She put out her cigarette in the old cracked ashtray you made as a kid in a summer camp.

“Who are you?” She turned to you, dead serious.

“What?” You asked, shocked, almost taking a step back.

“I watched you grow up from this sunny faced child, into this dazzling adult, but somewhere during all of it I feel like we lost the real you and got a version of you that is not true to who you really are.” You felt terror run through your whole body. Have any of your cousins told on you? You trusted them with your life but they are still human and humans can do cruel things.

“Everyone in there” she pointed towards the door, her long decorated nails shining in the moonlight.

“They're all unbelievably proud of you, and I am too. I just want you to know that, we will continue to be proud of you even if you're…different.” she put her hand on your shoulder, slid8ng it down your arm and to your hand, holding it. You suddenly felt like a kid getting caught stealing chewing gum in the market, only this time you have done nothing wrong.

“Thank you.” You held her hand in both of your palms.

“I think I need more time to be able to be the real me here, but I can assure you that I'm happy where I am currently and I'll try my best to be…me, as soon as I know it's safe for me.” you smiled and she stepped forward hugging you and kissing you on both cheeks.

“Very well, and once everything is cleared, introduce us to that boyfriend of yours.” She held your face still and looked at you with a knowing smile.

“He's not my boyfriend.” You blushed and freed your head from her hands to look away.

“Ah yes, I too stand, out in the cold to confess to my friends on the night of a family dinner. Veeeery normal.” she said with exaggerated expressions. She made you laugh, and she made you feel in ways you never thought anyone in your family could. You went back inside and spent the rest of your evening feeling like an immense weight was lifted off your chest. You were happy, you were ready to face Wallace, and you were awaiting your return with anxious anticipation.

Less than a week later you were saying goodbye to your family. Assuring them that you would text, call, carrier pigeon them as often as you can, you would eat healthy and become famous in some way. You got on your flight and slept it trough almost entirely, dreaming of what the next day would bring.

After you texted Wallace when your plane would be arriving he was preparing like he was going to a wedding. He told got you some food in case you were hungry after your tiring journey, some no name brand soda he remembered you mentioning one time and flowers that made him think of the color of the sparks that flew around you when you kissed him all those weeks ago. He was fully prepared, physically at least, mentally he was more anxious than he had ever been in his entire life. He was checking the time every five minutes and he was at the airport at least an hour before your arrival, just to make sure you wouldn't miss each other accidentally. He was sitting on one of the benches reading the book he had tossed away in a fit of misery a few weeks prior when your plane got announced. He shot up from his seat and quickly walked to the gates staring at the door intensely waiting for you to open it.

You were walking around stretching your tired limbs looking for the line your briefcase would be given out in. When you finally located it you quickly walked up to it and found your stuff as soon as you got there, you felt weirdly lucky. You took a quick trip to the bathroom, filled your water bottle and you were ready to go, ready to face your fears and fight them, or something. When you pushed through the door to the waiting area your eyes immediately locked with w

Wallace’s. You felt the world stop for a moment as you just looked at eachother. Your romance filled haze was cut short by someone angrily pushing past you, you were blocking the door after all. You quickly apologized and hurried towards the exit to meet with Wallace.

The moment you reached him, you let go of your bags, grabbed his face and kissed him desperate to be close to him. After a few moments you had to pull away lest you suffocate. You looked at eachother, the sparks flying around being reflected in your irises.

“Hi.” He said smiling at you and sliding his hands to your upper back to hold you.

“Hey.” You panted. You slowly put your forehead onto his shoulder and smiled.

“I'm so happy to be back, i missed you” Your smile faltered then turned a bit more bittersweet.

“But we have some important stuff to talk about.” you looked up to him and he nodded.

“Okay, let's go. Your place or…?”

“Yea my place is fine.” You answered him before he could finish.

Your trip back home was short and uneventful. He talked about the Christmas fair he went to with Scott and Ramona,(leaving some parts out) and you told him all about the things you did with your family(also leaving some parts out). You were enjoying the conversation so much, you felt like you got home in no time. Wallace took off his shoes and walked into the living room while you were putting your coats away.

“Woow a table.” He said, impressed and put the food he bought for you down on it. It was nothing exceptional, just a table with two foldable chairs but you weren't about to invite a bunch of people to your place anyway.

“Allright, I wanna get this over with before we eat.” You both sat down facing each other.

“I'm listening.” He said with a reassuring smile, giving you all the time you needed to express yourself.

“I wasn't always a guy, well not in the way I am now. Let me rephrase this. I didn't always know I was a guy. I wasn't born or raised as one but I am a man. Do you get it?” You raised a questioning eyebrow at him. Wallace seemed completely unfazed, neutral.

“Yes I understand, you are trans, right? I have some trans friends and i don't see any issue with it.” He asked for your confirmation.

“Yea, I just want to make sure you understand, I don't like the parts that go out.” You motioned with your hands.

“I just know sleeping with someone is a big part of like relationships for you so if we're not…compatible it's better if we get it over with right now.” He chuckled at your half panicked explanation.

“I get it, I get it. Hey, I love you for you and not for whatever parts you have, or don't. Besides, people have done more with less thanks to the bottomless creativity of the human mind. We can make it work. You might not have a part that goes out but I definitely have one in mind that could go in.” he winked then laughed at his own silliness.

Your eyes widened, then when you finally processed what he should have said you broke out in loud cackles.

“Oh my gooood, Wallace!” You laughed trying to calm down.

“That was horrible! Here I am pouring my heart out on this shitty table and you are already thinking about how we're going to bend each other over it. I changed my mind. I don't like you anymore!” You joked. Wallace on the other hand looked petrified, thinking you were serious, but his worries went away immediately when you started to lightly laugh at his expression.

“God, you scared me there.” He laid back letting out a breath he was holding.

“So…” he leaned closer to you.

“So?” You mirrored his action.

“Will you be my boyfriend?” He asked.

“Will you cook for me?” you smiled, cocking your head to the side.

“I might.”

“Then I'll consider it.” you put your torso on the table and quickly pecked him on the lips.

“I'm very tired, will you sleep with me? “Sleep in the same bed”?” You stood up and started to walk to your room. He followed you.

It was just like the first night you met. Except you were only in your underwear, too tired to properly change and you were holding each other in a warm embrace for the entirety of the night. You have slept better than you had in a long time. You were safe, you were in the right place, with the right person.

Ch. 6

One year has passed. You and Wallace were happy and living together in a slightly bigger apartment than either of yours. You had a bigger table and normal chairs, but the foldable ones were still out on the balcony for those summer night conversations. Scott and Ramona also moved in together and seemed to be happy with what was going on with them. You managed to get more friends in town and got to know the place better. For example, Julie moved in with some weird guy with a bird name, then they moved away to bird man's house so you didn't see her much anymore.

Right now you weren't in Toronto though. You were in your grandmother's village, in her house, in her living room eating dinner with all of your extended family. Some arguing about sports, some about politics or just calmly conversing. You did bring home that boyfriend of yours after all like your aunt told you to do, and you also managed to come out to them. Some of them didn't accept you but you didn't care, those who truly cared for you, looked at you with the same love and pride in their eyes. Your grandfather was more disappointed that you had a boyfriend who didn't know how to properly chop wood or drive a tractor but your cousins were definitely there for all of Wallace's stories and your grandmother liked him as long as he ate whatever she cooked, so you could say everything went pretty well in the end.

After dinner you excused yourselves saying that you wanted to show Wallace a place in the village. You put your warm clothes on and started to walk towards the fields that were at the end of the village. You went into a field, the fresh snow crunching under your feet.

“Why are we here exactly?” He asked, holding your hand and following you.

“Look up.” You said and turned your face towards the sky. Wallace looked up and gasped.

“Are those northern lights?” His eyes opened wide.

“I thought those only exist really far up north.” He said. The colorful lights reflected into his eyes, you could get lost in all the colors of it.

“They usually do but I saw in the news that we will be able to see some of them here too this weekend, so I thought the lack of street lights would make it more beautiful.” you explained to him.

“Yea, they are truly beautiful.” He stared at them with a calm expression. While he was distracted you slowly backed him into a snow covered hay bale, his back coming in contact with the hay was the thing that snapped him back, giving you a questioning look.

“This time last year we were on the phone,” you put your hands on his waist and pulled him closer to you.

“And there was something I wasn't able to tell you. I know I have said it many times since then but…” you looked deeply into his eyes.

“I love you Wallace Wells. Thank you for not giving up on me.” You smiled and kissed him deeply, holding onto his waist and the hay bale for balance.

Thanks for reading

This is a pretty old fic so might not be the best

It's my first time posting fics on Tumblr so I'm not sure how stuff works

Anyways feedback is welcome

[dohart]

I'm going crazy i think

[dohart]

A zine about the house and the village that gave me my childhood.

A goodbye

Pt.2

Text: For my father and for the childhood left under Árpád street 45.

[dohart]

A zine about the house and the village that gave me my childhood.

A goodbye

Pt.1

Text: When the aliens bring me back / Pictures from 2009 - 2010 and 2023 - 2024

[dohart]

My friend made me listen to kpop saying "i was destined to become a fan" so here is this silly guy with bread in his mouth

[dohart]

People are drawing themselves in the avatar universe and I'm a sucker for the blue cat-people so here I am

(It's just a bit ugly so shhhhh)

[dohart]

Me if i had an ACTUALLY good christmas