im-nothing-and-n0body

[im-nothing-and-n0body]

Today I realized I for real am recovered (and technically have been for like two years maybe). I saw a picture of me from a few years ago and it’s crazy, I thought I didn’t look very different pre and post recovery but I was like oh my god I look decrepit. And I did not feel any twinge of wanting to go back to that. My first thought was “why didn’t anyone tell me I looked decrepit?” Anyways I’m fucking glad I don’t look like that anymore. Point is body dysmorphia is a bitch, you can have the thing you wanted and not even see it. Recovery is real guys and it actually kinda rocks

[im-nothing-and-n0body]

sometimes i feel ive got to

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Something came over me and suddenly I'd made this :3

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[im-nothing-and-n0body]

Who up trying to find their will to live?

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I would do despicable things for a hug right now

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I wanted to off myself five hours ago and now I’m just blissfully listening to Chappell Roan

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Girl, Interrupted

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Anyone else freak the fuck out at night? Like not only does my anxiety go way up but I also physically feel worse and I’m so tired of it. why can’t I just lay down and fall asleep why do I need three mental breakdowns before I can finally pass out?

[im-nothing-and-n0body]

The “if I can’t be happy I might as well be the most mentally unbalanced girl in the world” cycle I go through at least once a week

[im-nothing-and-n0body]

(Tw ed topics: ana recovery, arfid)

You know what’s so fucking stupid? I genuinely had an easier time eating when I was anorxic. I’ve been recovered for months now but my arfid is consistently getting worse than it’s ever been in my entire life. There’s like no foods I actually want to eat and maybe ten I can tolerate when needed. It just feels so stupid like I tried so hard to recover and it feels like it was fucking pointless

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Social anxiety is so dumb my brain will be like:

“ah yes today is the day we will be interacting with one of our friends. We will be doing a nice happy activity and we have been looking forward to this. I feel like I’m dying, I can no longer breathe”

[im-nothing-and-n0body]

I doubt this is relatable but anyway, growing up my immediate family have always had horrible health. Mostly my sister but really my whole family has shit health. I always considered myself the one with the bad mental health but fine otherwise. But anyway, every time I have important plans I’m always like “I really hope I don’t have mysterious pain that day that makes it really hard for me to stand and walk”. Thaaaat is not normal. Why didn’t anyone tell me healthy people don’t worry about that?

[im-nothing-and-n0body]

I think people can accept my symptoms as long as they have some rational or relatable aspect. I have contamination ocd and people can accept certain aspects of that easily cause “of course no one likes being sick. Being clean and cautious is good”. But then I mention my ever growing fear of strawberries and people don’t like that too much.

My sister was gonna wear a sweater with a strawberry print and I was like “uhhh no don’t wear that” and she was like “they’re not real strawberries?” And was not happy with me. And I usually try really hard to not bring people into my weirdness but it’s been rough so yeah