kiiiyokostar

[kiiiyokostar]

how and why does every1 have a partner and why don't I have one too

[kiiiyokostar]

healing happens in circles, not lines. you will return to old places with new eyes.

[kiiiyokostar]

Having a lot of Big Brain thoughts for a Sunday.

I'm reading Easy Beauty by Chloé Cooper Jones and it's so poignant and smart and human. I'm trying not to rush through, so I have more time to absorb and think, but I really don't want to put it down.

I did pause, though, to journal about disability. Jones' experiences are acute and present daily. She needs to navigate both the internal and external world of pain, judgement, and inaccessibility. That's not something I have to face now, and with the awareness of my able-bodied privileges, I don't want to identify with a space where I don't belong.

But what's confusing is that I used to belong in that space.

Having cancer and receiving treatment for cancer came with disabilities --- some visible, some not. Chronic pain. Limited mobility. Weakened immune system. In turn, I was treated by people (close and distant) differently than my life "before." With kindness sometimes, but also a lot of dehumanization, pity, disgust, and fear.

The "pass" I had to be treated as a human person --- which SHOULD be innate for literally everyone --- became conditional because of what my body and I were going through. And then, once I was in remission, that pass was just... Given back?

I'm realizing I haven't explored a lot of that. Partly because I'm constantly minimizing my past, but also because --- as someone who has privilege now --- it feels selfish to look at the ways the system that prioritizes some bodies and worth over others hurt me. Because it's no longer hurting me directly. I'm more focused on working against that system for the people who are influenced in the here-and-now, and making change in the long run. But I guess I'm starting to think looking backward, mindfully, might be helpful, too.

[kiiiyokostar]

always in recovery, always in recovery, always in recovery, always in recovery, always stay in recovery

Not just Ed or sh recovery. But a "take care of yourself" recovery. A non-ending journey of healing and taking care of yourself both physically and mentally.

Sometimes I realize how "weird" mentally ill people are/behave. I had this online friend named Scott, dude was very fucked up. He still is. I kinda want to contact him (to check up on him), but he's got anger issues and is prob mad at me.

Anyway. I have to remind myself that I cannot help anyone who doesn't want to help themselves. It's simple as that. They'll contradict any progress or attempt.

[kiiiyokostar]

am I the only person who just needs to journal throughout the day, otherwise if I save it for the night before bed, I don't re-call many of the things that occured and then I regret writing only so little

[kiiiyokostar]

I hate how Ana is seen as “pure”, “clean” and “good”

Ana is literally the reason why I can’t get out of bed most days, why I faint / almost black out so much, why my hair looks thin and frizzy, why my legs cramp 24/7, why I can’t eat food without stomach pains and so much more

Also these side effects don’t only happen when you’re under weight, I am experiencing extreme side effects and I am still struggling daily with this while I am still in a healthy weight range.

No Ana will not fix your life it will ruin it. Don’t treat it like it’s a quick fix to being fat. It has the highest mortality rate of any other mental illness.

Stop using it to be “feminine”, “soft” and “kawaii” there is a good chance you will die if you don’t recover. Stop pushing it on to others. Stop showing your friends this side of tumblr. Stop telling your friends about how much you lose in a week / month. STOP SHARING ED STUFF WITH NON ED PEOPLE!!

(Not trying to get anyone to recover, this is just a reality check for the bitches that treat ana like holy water)

[kiiiyokostar]

These 2 images saved in my phone need to get combined

[kiiiyokostar]

One massive, legitimate way to improve as a writer or artist or in any creative endeavor really, is to become absolutely obsessed with something and to allow yourself to be weird about it. Genuinely mean this btw.

[kiiiyokostar]

perfect strawberry

[kiiiyokostar]

im sorry I've been very inactive lately (+ prob will still log-in here every few days or rarer). I've been focusing much more on my desired daily routine and don't want to get distracted by social media!!

[kiiiyokostar]

just some recovery updates !!!

I've been eating regularly since a few days ago (3 main meals per day + 1 snack after workouts (optional, only if I do get hungry)) and honestly, I've been feeling so regulated and much more in tune with my cues. Sure it was scary at first, I thought I'd gain so much weight (specifically being scared of gaining weight due to eating dinner,,, yk that common belief) but since my extreme hunger has stabilized, my weight has too, + my hunger seems more stable/predictable/understandable. I've been observing my hunger/fullness cues: when I'm hungry, I suddenly become hyper-aware, my stomach feels empty even after drinking water and I start to get food visuals. When I'm full, my stomach doesn't feel empty anymore and I feel mentally calm, I don't feel that "pull" towards food. I've been practicing stopping my meals when I feel satiated, so my food visuals after meals + confusion calm down, and I have noticed some improvement. I also do get super hungry after workouts, but that's very normal. It's nice to give myself a little snack after a home exercise (or a light meal after walking for an hour long).

I also stopped doing long home exercises. Instead, I started doing "exercise snacks" (basically small bursts of exercises spread throughout the day). That suits me better because I've already almost been caught by my mother exercising way too many times 😭 istg she's doing it on purpose. Plus it lets me see if I've gotten better/stronger at doing x exercise!! So that's good. It's very fun to open my "to-do" app and create little notes in there (e.g. "do 20 squats each time you go to the bathroom" (I swear, I can do more lmao I did 200 yesterday but anyway they all add up at the end of the day)). Spending time worrying if someone catches me exercising and anxiously trying to find the "best time" to workout in secret was overwhelming.

[kiiiyokostar]

I'm never going to understand people who drink coffee systemically. Like bro, don't you ensure you get enough good quality sleep?? Don't you give yourself rest and take care of yourself to make sure you're energized enough??

[kiiiyokostar]

If you’re throat and hands hurt, I’m sorry, I love you

If you feel sluggish and heavy the next day, I’m sorry, I love you

If you enjoy feeling the empty after, I’m sorry, I love you

If your digestive system slows down, I’m sorry, I love you

If you can’t stop, I’m sorry, I love you

If no one cares, I’m sorry, I love you

If you’re trying to find a reason to stay, I’m sorry, I love you

If the stains and scars never leave, I’m sorry, I love you

I love you, please take care of yourself. It may feel good in the moment but it will never be worth your life or the experiences you could’ve had. Remember to take care or yourself today, eat some good food, talk to a friend, and remember you’re worth so much more than your body <3

Our time is so precious and temporary. Please spend it happily not worrying about a number

[kiiiyokostar]

[kiiiyokostar]

Do not let this summer be wasted.

Do things you love

Download a journaling and habit tracker app; create a routine of your desired hobbies and track your everyday life. Explore things you've never tried before.

Take care of yourself; Brush your teeth, shower daily. Trim your nails (unless you're growing them), start working out, get more physically active, drink more water. Cut off mindless or emotional eating. Affirm positively to yourself, buy and wear clothes you enjoy.

Invest in your knowledge; pick a topic everyday and do some re-search on it. Write notes about it and make articles regarding it. Watch videos of that topic. Learn a new language, expand your vocabulary. Re-study your school books. Re-vision your school notes. Find a fictional book and observe/analyze it's writing style and expression.

Expand your social circle; interact with friends more, hang out with them. Visit family members, wave at people when you see them.

Minimize bad habits; gradually decrease screen time, smoking, drinking etc, acknowledge mindless scrolling and useless social media. Find triggers for unhealthy thinking & behavioral patterns. Spot and contradict distorted cognitive thoughts, self-loathing thoughts, harmful thoughts.

Reflect on yourself; ask yourself questions that will allow you to discover yourself and gain awareness; What interests you? Who do you want to be? What is a "perfect life" to you? What do you want to improve? What's something that troubles you?

Feel free to add more if you have any ideas!!

[kiiiyokostar]

I remember when I was still fasting, I would watch Nicado (however his first name is spelled) Avocado to ease down my cravings, mostly at night 😭😭 sometimes I would skip straight to the eating part, and other times I'd watch him argue with his ex-boyfriend (which was always funny). The sounds of him chewing literally made my mouth DROOL and I'd think "Cool, if I consume enough of my saliva = my stomach can fill up w it = I'll be less hungry". I also remember getting so angry at him if he wouldn't go straight to the eating part... Shit was crazy

The mukbang obsession in an ed needs to be studied bc why am I spending all my time watching people eat but when it comes to me eating id rather be hit by a bus

[kiiiyokostar]

I FOUND 2 FOURLEAF CLOVER AND ONE SIXLEAF

dont mind my ugly ass fingers and nails pretty please