lightofd4rkness

[lightofd4rkness]

[lightofd4rkness]

a selection of bpd moods

- nothing is real nothing is real nothing is real nothing is r

- depression but emptier

- anger but emptier

- hey wanna see a cool trick? *dissociates*

- setting 3782634 reminders to do things but ignoring them anyways

- I Cannot Physically Move My Body Fast Enough To Handle This Energy Right Now So I’m Just Going To Sit Here And Hope I Spontaneously Combust

- when ur dryer is off balance and it goes ThunkThunkThunkThunkThunk except that’s ur brain

- everything is GREAT and AMAZING when ur with friends and then you go to the bathroom and cry for ten minutes for absolutely no reason

- The Mirror Staredown

- very small ᵒʰ when u realize someone hasn’t answered the clingy text u forgot u sent six hours ago and suddenly Everything Is Terrible And You’re Gonna Die

- LOVE ME LOVE ME LOVE ME LOVE ME!!!!!!!!

- i’m a god and everyone that doesn’t like me can burn in hell

- my skin does not fit right and i am not equipped to handle this feeling

- everything u touch feels WRONG and u don’t know WHY but u want to SCREAM

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things i hate about bpd

- your mood is not the only thing that will change in one sec, your decisions will too.

- the pain you feel in your chest whenever you are thinking or feeling something too much.

- the ability to show physical symptoms to every thing you feel too intensely.

- you hate to be alone, but at the same time you’re isolating from all of your friends.

- suddenly you just get tired of someone you love a lot.

- but now you’re not tired of them anymore and you need them to live and how can you stay away from them for just one second? impossible.

- you just don’t understand how there’s so much anger in you.

- headaches.

- stomach ache.

- the world is not real sometimes.

- feeling like you will lose control and getting suffocated by it.

- seeing a knife and thinking about cutting, seeing a bridge and thinking about jumping, seeing a car and thinking about being run over.

- feeling intensely two things at the same time.

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Too true. This reminds me of those people without serious mental health issues tell you. “Awh it’s okay, you’ll get over it. Just think of something happy” Yeah okay, let me just tell my brain to ‘get over it’

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My life Anyone else agree?….

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I love philosophy - ‘cogito ero sum’ is one of my favourite quotes / concepts by Renee Descartes so this is just perfect. I overthink way too much to the point where I’m not sure if thoughts are even real

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When the depression starts creeping in and you know you should be starving, but the thought of food makes you sick....

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Literally anyone in my life: *is upset or aloof*

Me: they probably just have something going on in their life that has them feeling this way

My brain: it’s your fault

Me: shit you’re right

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My words.

Real.

I look around and nothing is real.

Nothing is real but the thoughts in my head.

But only as I release them on paper.

Or to a screen.

For me to visualize.

Do they start to seem alive.

But even then, can I trust them?

Do I need to?

Once they are on a page, they are real.

Because I made them.

I strung together the words

To make a sentence

Or a fragment of an emotion

It doesn’t have to make sense

Be rational

Be ‘the truth’

It’s my truth.

MY truth

Because I wrote them.

They are mine

People can say things

And do things

That change the way I feel

Change my reality as I know it

Make me wonder why -

And how I exist

Then I float above myself

To rise away from it all

I can only come back

When I reach out

For the thoughts in my head

That sting as I grasp them

Can only come back down

When I ground them

Onto something physical.

That makes it real.

I am real.

I am here.

My emotions are real.

On paper or a screen

Because I had to make them

To exist.

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Not Real

It’s Not.

Its not Real.

Not real - those feelings that I feel.

Some infatuation.

Just meditating.

To make it to go away.

No more -

Self deprecating games that I play

Not allowing myself in any way,

to become wrapped up and around

some heart that doesn’t care

Doesn’t feel that aching pain -

In the heart

And that grey energy -

In the soul

Because it’s not real -

Not real, those feelings that I feel

Some admiration

Just trying to stay grounded

But the death bell has sounded -

For my emotions to be laid to rest

Into the frozen ground

To forget all the trauma

Of a time that meant so much

But a memory that needs to be forgotten

So that’s why I must continue to say:

It’s not real

Not real, those feelings that I feel.

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I always make the same mistake when it comes to love. I fall for those I can’t have, those in love with others, in love with themselves. maybe I’m in love with the idea of love, in love with the want, with the craving of that one taste on the back of your tongue. the actual taste is always disappointing, in the end. maybe I’m afraid of getting hurt, so I fall for those I can’t have. I can control that hurt, hurt myself, if you will. maybe I’m afraid of love like you’re afraid of the dark, of the unknown.

c.t.//I’ve always been afraid of the dark (via iwontwrite)

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Self care is crying for hours bc your fp doesn’t answer your texts and then telling the whole world you don’t give a fuck

(Sᴘᴏɪʟᴇʀ ᴀʟᴇʀᴛ: Yᴏᴜ ɢɪᴠᴇ ᴛᴏᴏ ᴍᴀɴʏ ꜰᴜᴄᴋs)

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Guilt

Telling someone about my pain is just more pain in itself

Just one continuing cycle Feeling like there’s no end to it all

Explaining my stuggles Just reinforces my internal agony All of this guilt just building up:

Guilt - for showing weakness Guilt - for still holding on Guilt - for pushing people away Guilt - for still longing for human connection Guilt - for all of my pain Guilt - for feeling nothing at all Guilt - for internal thoughts telling me to die Guilt - for internal thoughts telling me to live Guilt - for all the black Guilt - for the little bit of white

Wishing there was a middle ground But no dialectics in sight

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Hidden

She hid that beautiful love in her heart

Pushed away the light trying to penetrate her soul

Because she knew that sometimes

Suppression, suppression is the only way for progression -

If only one one soul yearns - for passion

If only one heart burns - with desire