lnc-m

[lnc-m]

And sometimes it may not work

however we try

the rose tinted i once put away

the things they had to beautify

i cannot get past

however i try

but you will never change

and so will i

Your past clouds my vision, I hate very step you take, You call me a messed up cycle, You tell me to take a break, But somehow we're talking, We hate each other for sure, But somehow things, get easier to endure, you aren't my friend, I think we've made that clear, but somehow things, are towards a sweeter end, we're talking now, you don't seem half bad, honestly if I look inside you, you seem kind of sad, maybe you are alright, we thought at some point, I think we're friends now? If we are to try?

[lnc-m]

fuck

is it so hard to be pretty

all this effort is to vain as i look at all my beautiful friends

heck, even the ugly ones have a boyfriend!

no one will ever love me and i wish i can get used to it but i can't. it's so fucking unfair and enrages me. but then again, do i even have anything special? oh fuck no i do not. nothing to make up for being a scarface at least. fuck acne and fuck men and fuck everything which i can never have. im so tired of this shit.

[lnc-m]

you told me it was fine

because you said

i was doing my best

but i have lost my strength

i cannot put in effort

as i once did

im just failing the way i deserve it

everything has lost meaning

even my writing has become devoid of it

just a scrabble of words

describing nothing within

[lnc-m]

"we're just lonely people looking for somebody to love,"

you said.

as i watched the vulnerability slip with the tears of your eyes

i knew you had my entire heart since then

if only i'd been the one you were looking for

not a rebound to your regrets

[lnc-m]

one day

one day i will stop carrying such a heavy burden in my heart. and you will understand. and i will understand. and the thorns of our insecurities growing sharper and sharper might grow into beautiful roses? (but they're already roses with you, in my heart? i don't even know what's going on! oh my god.)

[lnc-m]

I act as if he would fix all the problems I have ever had in the world.

Why I want him so much. Of course, who else would be interested in what I have to say? Someone who would love to talk to me for hours on end, someone who would love me the way I love others, the excitement and adoration which I have for others I would see in his eyes, for me, only for me. Who else would finally make me feel like I’m the most beautiful girl ever and maybe then, just then I would not feel the need to constantly prove myself to... me?

[lnc-m]

people who don't experience hyperfixation don't know what it feels like to hyperfixate so much on something that it becomes not only your subject of obsession but also your source of happiness and literally the main reason why you still keep going; literal source of strength and life.

shoutout to my favorite fictional characters, favorite people, favorite ships, favorite movies, favorite tv shows, fanfics and archive of our own

[lnc-m]

Because dear mother of course I have to walk on eggshells for you? Else I am ungrateful and incompetent. Accommodate for you or else you will reject me too. How dare I inconvenience you in the most minor of ways, for your comfort comes first and foremost and all I need to do to is step on mine? Now everyone will be happy and no one will complain.

Oh I know how much this would hurt for you to see. I know you would see this and think how dare she, my imperfect daughter as it shatters you. Yes, I am your imperfect daughter. I am not a good daughter and honestly I have never claimed to be. But I love you too much to tell you this because I, again, know that I will shatter you. Will I be able to face myself when you leave this world knowing I have scarred you? Knowing everyday for the rest of your life you will think of this because unfortunately, you do love me as much as I love you.

[lnc-m]

oh mother

how did you think it did not matter?

for every word of yours

becomes my reflection 

your vision

becomes my image 

the one i can never change

the one i can never escape 

-

one day i wish

i can start viewing the world 

viewing myself

from my own lens again

maybe one day

i might feel beautiful again

maybe one day 

everything i have wished 

you’d give me would be fulfilled 

by someone else

but don’t i wish it was you

oh how i wish it was you

-

[lnc-m]

You should write the most niche, indulgent fiction that appeals to you specifically, because it will be much more artistically authentic and valuable than corporate slop that has been focus tested to death to appeal to the widest audience possible.

Write for yourself and you will always be making authentic art that has an uncompromised vision, and you will gain an audience that appreciates that.

[lnc-m]

it almost feels funny sticking to all these things that mean nothing to me

all my life i was begging, holding into god because it's that thread that ties me to an identity that i could never really be

a community which i never belonged and an image i had curated to everyone else who did not know of that emptiness within me

due to my current circumstances however i cannot hold onto anything anymore

i cannot run away from myself anymore

im forced to see myself for who i am

im nothing but a shell