recovering-from-depressi0n

[recovering-from-depressi0n]

Hello, it's me again. I don't know how many months after the last post. But you're gonna be just fine. We've entered two international poetry contests, we met Tamino, you hugged him and kiss him on the cheek and took a beautiful picture with him. You're talking to someone, you're working out, you're taking a stand with your father, your meds are working now, probably this happiness isn't real but we take the illusion anyway. I love you. And many people love you and see how special you are. So if you feel like this again, remember it will pass, you'll be fine.

[recovering-from-depressi0n]

Hello diary, it's been a really long time. Things are terrible. Nothing but Bleakness. Definitely the worst year of my life. There was only a good thing, but it lasted like a blink of an eye. I had a job, my first job ever. A whole month of training, but at the end I didn't pass the exam for the training so I didn't really get the job. The first day of training was probably the worst day of my life. My brother jumped out the window. I saw him, falling from the living room. I still cannot shake the feeling, nothing has felt real since then. He's alive though. It's beena nightmare, I have to tiptoe about everything not to trigger him. It's tiring living like this. This was in June. But back in March I was 2 weeks at the mental institution, getting out was so difficult, it was so aggressive, all the noise, traffic, people, pollution. Problems.

Two months ago my dad threw a party for his gf, and they both stayed at my room. I just cannot believe the disrespect. Someone entered and literally burned my makeup. And left some party balloon too. Dad says it was an accident but I wasn't born yesterday. That was in purpose, obviously that woman.

My best friend got married and I didn't go to her wedding, last year we had an awkward moment, and my sister madame swear not to go to her wedding and I truly regret it. Now I really don't know how to approach her about it.

We're having serious economic problems. Debts and debts and debts, and I keep buying shit I don't need. I have gained lots of weight. I sleep all day. Can't find a new job. Can't and won't do shit. My wills completely gone. I don't like myself. Thought I was different but I haven't changed. Haven't seen my doctor for two months and I really am in need. I contacted her and I'm waiting for a new appointment. I absolutely need my meds adjusted. I need to reconsider my life. I need a plan. I need to change. I want to go back for good to the lakehouse. Hopefully today will be the day.

[recovering-from-depressi0n]

October 24

Hi, it's me. It's been almost a year, and everything's still practically the same or worse, for an instance I'm back at my mom's. I needed to due to my health which is pretty deteriorating. I might have lupus, tomorrow I'm seeing the neurologist and she talked to the rheumatologist so there's that. I can bearly eat. I cut my hair, I loves my long long hair, but as they say, resentment is stocked at the hair, and it was really showing. I'm sad about that, it will take around five years for it to grow back ad before. I started talking back to Patrick, it's been a wreck, we fight a lot and I stop talking to him and he always comes back but he's not really there but he wants me to be there, it's not healthy for neither of us. It gives me so much anxiety. There's another situation, I got into a fight with my dad's girlfriend, she started it, it was the first time something like this happened, she finally showed her true colors and I told my dad I never want to see her again, so now I cannot go to the lakehouse when they both go, and it's been more that a month that I haven't visited. So that's breaking my heart. Also, güerito died and I was and still am so destroyed about it, it was leukemia according to the vet. We adopted three dogs but had to return one because she didn't get along with the rest of the dogs, she was being aggressive. Then there's Moka, uncle Wild gifted him to us, he's got beef with Chato though. I've had multiple fights with my brother, we went out and he drugged me, drugged me bad that I had a black out and I still don't have a clue how did I get home. Then we fought and it got physical and I broke his glasses because of money, he's such a tight ass bitch, he threw the money to my face and started calling me names and other horrible things that I don't even remember because my brain blocks them. On the bright side, I might still be able to finly graduate this year, but the teacher that was my "friend" stood me up and I had to find another sinodal and it took me time and she took more than a month to read my thesis and reply. Also, I stopped talking to my cousin since summer, she promised me she was going to visit and stay for a month and we even had a list of places we were going to visit and shit. And I was so looking forward to it, I was so happy about it, but she stood my up and she told me she was going to come but only for two days but because she was seeing a guy who was visiting the city from Peru, so she wasn't coming to see me, but the guy, so I said fuck it and cut her out. She always uses me and I'm so tired of being disappointed and hurt by everyone I just rather be alone at this point. At the beginning of the year I wrote a lot, I journaled a lot, went out a lot while I was living at my dad's. But that energy along with my health left my body and mind like a bird to the point I can't leave the bed or shower myself. I am really hurting and I'm so depressed but I can't show it, I guess it hides behind my illness, but I'm going through it alone. And it's not only the physical pain but my soul's that makes me feel that it would be soothing and that I deserve it, the calm of ending it all. I just spend my days sleeping, on tiktok and Netflix or just fooling around. I don't talk to anyone, have literally no friends, zero. Not even my German class "friend". I stopped believing on whatever, I feel so alone, helpless, with no idea where my life will point me at. My "best friend" came to visit me to the lakehouse with his fiancé but she I don't know, she expected a better treatment that I could offer, I tried my best with my illness and I don't have a maid, I am a great host that I know. But she didn't have it. She told me she was going to invite me to her wedding and obviously she didn't. We were friends since we were 9yo. So that ended as well. I don't know what's wrong with me, no one stays no one wants me, no one wants to be around. That makes me feel miserable even though I try to look strong on the outside.

I've had great weekends on the lakehouse with my dad and my sister thats what I hold on to. I haven't really fought with my mom and that's a lot. I'm saving money for next year to go on a trip with my sister.

I dont know if I left something out, but that's all that came to my mind and I needed to vent.

[recovering-from-depressi0n]

Nov 19

So its been a while since I last made an enter here, I have not been well. In fact I had one of my meds adjusted because a few days ago I had what my doctor called "simple partial crisis of disconnection fenomena", well thats the literal translation from my mother tongue, I was taking a shower and I got caught on a thought and then I spaced out for around 15-20mins and when my mind came back I had scratches mostly on my tummy and when I put my head back inside the shower it burned so much I couldnt even stand the water.

Two weeks ago my brother sent me the most horrendous text one could ever imagine, it says "the day you die I will be so happy because there will be one less shitty human being on the world" and this was because he was calling dad nonstop, and he asked me to pick up the phone and say he was busy, and thats exactly wgat i said to him, he hung up on me, and a minute later he sent me that text.

I spent two weeks in a shit hole but here i am, my dad is coming over, so i had to clean up the place and make it seem that imokay.

[recovering-from-depressi0n]

[recovering-from-depressi0n]

I had great wonderful weekend with dad, it was doctor's day on Saturday and without any planning we had a lil celebration, we had lunch where we celebrated his birthday and the food was delicious. We went to the groceries store, to the drugstore...then we talked all night long on the terrace...it was a heart to heart conversation and I feel like we both needed it for all the bullshit we've been through together. Then Sunday was great too, a little tiring but amazing nevertheless. We went out to have breakfast at the regular spot, then he spent most of the day fixing the garden and building up his pagoda tent which looks amazing. And I spent most of the day cooking lunch and baking two cakes for my dad, on for his place and the other for him to take to his office for doctor's day. After that I made my suitcase for next weekend so I don't have to carry it when I take the bus to the city. I was worried about my dog but my dear uncle will come pick us both on Thursday and I will be staying a night with him and he'll drop me on Friday at the bus station and my dog will stay with him five days or so. My plan is when I get to the city take a cab to the mall and go to the movies and watch either Dune or the Eternals...then off to the magic town with dad and his girlfriend.

I've been a bit more active, which makes me tired and go to sleep earlier, which helps me wake up at a much better time. I'm trying to watch what I eat. Specially since yesterday I'm worried/sad, I tried on s couple dresses I wanted to pack on my luggage for the weekend and none of them fits me. Last year they looked great on me, and I cant keep gaining weight. I'm not going to wait until the doctors call me up and figure it out because at this pace it looks like that will never happen. So I'm going to help myself by doing the little or the big things I can manage to do. And I have to make the most of the days that I'm feeling good because they have to compensate for the days I'm down, because recently there are more days that i feel terrible. So, yes, today I woke up at 10am which is early for me, almost a miracle, I did aerobics for 20mins, had a smoothie that was prescribed by my doctors two years ago, and I'm still having a cup of coffee. I have some things to do but I don't know if I have the will to work on my thesis today. I've been thinking that I've been avoiding finishing it and contacting my teachers or the school because I'm scared, even terrified. I don't know if it's of the exam itself or just ending that chapter of my life and entering this other, which is just practically what I'm doing already, waiting for the pandemic to end, to either wait for the WHO to accept my vaccine ad valid and then apply for my masters at Germany and leave. To think about getting what I wish for makes me shiver, being alone so far away from dad, my dogs, everything, the language barrier, the weather... everything, it's terrifying. But it's what I want and need, I cannot stay here. Not in a million years.

[recovering-from-depressi0n]

It's been two difficult days for me, there's been a lot of emotions but still I can't find words to describe how I feel. It's just like a huge black hole or a tornado on my chest and I feel this emptiness in my body and my being. Ive barley managed to even do the bare minimum. Today I forgot to water the plant in the morning, not even the morning, I woke up at 1pm, before that dad called me around 9am I had to fake I had woken up and after that I just went back to sleep. Everything is so blurry I can't even remember what I got for breakfast apart from oatmeal, I'm sure I must've had something else. Oh yeah, a pita bread...I've been spending the days on TikTok, I can't put my head around something else. Since two or three weeks agoi started praying to God and I've been doing so before every meal, and today at lunch I just cracked, I lost it for a bite I cried and yelled at Him. I don't know what I'm doing with my life, wasting my time miserably. Not doing anything that would help me feel better or less anxious, at least that's what I thinks. Because either way I'm stuck, but regarding my body, I just can't find the will to do it, two years ago I was killing it, and today I spend my days in bed or sitting in a chair. This is not what I had pictures my life when I was in highschool. I had such bigger plans, I was someone else. Heck not five years ago a friend of mine told me I had a beautiful look, that my eyes shone in such a way that he's never seen anyone else have it, that I looked too pure and he couldn't even describe it. I bet if he'd see me right now he'd fall dead. I just can't do it anymore, but I have to for my dad. Fucking Covid has my doctors not being able to see me regularly for my dysautonomia, I didn't have my period for four months, I keep gaining weight like crazy, I mean I'm overeating but not in the proportions that have me looking like this. This is a joke, and I find myself constantly during the day being so hard on myself, treating me so cruelly. In my head I just call myself names and insult me and this is not right. I have to be kind with me. The self love and self-esteem I think I have might be just a facade for the people around me. But all this emotions, all this thoughts, that are contradictory and violent, but I still want to get better but I want to die at the same time. I just don't know what to do, wish the meds and my psychiatrist help me better. She says it has, because I haven't really snapped, I guess she means I haven't tried to kill myself or stopped taking medications or god knows what I'd done without them meds.

I just think I'm just doing it for my dad, my dogs and for Germany. Even if it seems like I'm doing nothing.

[recovering-from-depressi0n]

The mess after watering, this is just the terrace.

[recovering-from-depressi0n]

October 20

Last night I slept at 7am, it was a torture not being able to rest. Bonnie woke me up and for my surprise it was 11:0am, I was so tired I thought I was going to pass out. I manage to take him outside, and then I opened the windows and the door and let Luni in. I said hi to the rest of the dogs. I called dad, we. said hi and it was quite brief the call, he was busy. I started to cook breakfast and I began to feel much better, I watered the plants, played with the dogs for a bit, then I spent the rest of the afternoon at the dining room watching sily SNL videos, I find them so wholesome and they make me feel better. But just like that, while I was watching a video I had an intrusive thought, and mu stomach hurt and my head spinned, even though I was sitting, I felt I was going to fall. I started to think about al my problems, about being at this big house all alone, not talking to any of my family, not having a job, not being graduated, my health is in the ground. But then I told to myself I am the master of my mind, and I fought the thoughts back, and kept watching some other stuff and chatting with my cousin. Today we barely talked but its okay. i saw one of my favorite tarot readers go live on youtube, and she always lift me up with her spirit. I got so tired after that due to the lack of sleep, I went and slept for almost a couple hours. I woke up at 7pm and I cooked my dinner, something very simple I wasn't in the mood or had the energy to make my usual meals. After that I went outside I watered all the plants, the garden and the planters, that took me a little bit more than an hour. I was listening to a 90s love songs on spotify and singing to them. After that I poured chlorum to the pool and after that I put the ant poison on some plants and flowers that ants love to go and eat them all, this thing keeps them away. I fed the dogs, and called my dad, he's on his night shift at the hospital, I cried with him over all the bullshit we`ve been through, and I told him that while I was watering the garden I listened to a song that reminded me so much to my sister and I started crying and fighting the urge to call her. But my psychiatrist told me that those feelings are stockholm syndrome. My dad agreed and told me not to call her nor my mom. He said to me that he's talked to a couple of his colleagues about our whole situation, and one of the doctors told him that if that would happen to him, he would have already killed himself. And I started crying when he told me this. I told him that I don't know how we both are still here, how we have hold on, I really don't know how is it that we both, my dad and I haven't killed ourselves. Dad told me that he has me, and the dogs and other things that keeps him afloat and that is worth fighting for. He said I should reach out to God, or the Demiurge as I call him. And I told him that I`ve been doing so, and he was glad, he said that I need to talk to Him and that He will make me feel better. After that I took a long shower, around an hour, which is normal for me to take that long, showers for me are sacred. I felt clean, and I changed my clothes and all. I'm still listening to that playlist, I can't liiiiiiiveeee if living is without youuuuuu!!!!! I thought and meditated about T...I don't know what to make out from his texts, he confuses me, just when I thought he was out of my life and I was already forgetting him, he comes back slamming the door...Cherry to the pie. Everybodyyy huuuuuuurts.....sometiiiiimessss....sometimes everything is wrong...I took couple more pills of the muscle relaxing/anxiety, I hope they help me go to sleep soon and finally have a decent sleeping schedule. I read a bit, it felt weird because it was the book I had just when I had the epileptic crisis some weeks ago. It's a delicious, exquisite book that plays and exhausts the language, the words to its minimum expression, it's almost synesthetic. I guess I'll be at the desktop scrolling on tumblr and pinterest, then maybe have a smoothie, then go to bed and scroll through tiktok until I pass out.

[recovering-from-depressi0n]

I wanted to write or doodle and when I opened my notebook I saw this silly drawings of last year's wishes, and one of them was getting the vaccines. I saw it so far away last year, and finally got them just last month. Even though I cannot go where I planned to do my masters because they don't accept this brand of vaccine...it drives me mad..

But to see this innocent and really from my heart wishes made my cry and I feel my heart broken.

[recovering-from-depressi0n]

Today I woke up afraid thinking it was too late, that when I'd call my dad it'd be good afternoon and not good morning. To my surprise it was still morning, and I thought to myself, late for what, though? I woke up, tired as usual, called my dad, but he didn't pick up. I cooked my breakfast, I ate too much and I don't even know why. Cooking made me feel much better and the tiredness washed away. My dad called back and we discussed about the little trip were going to make in two weeks. When he said he'd pick me up next weekend and I'd have to stay either at his place or at my mom's. My stomach hurt and the first thing that came to my mind was cancelling the trip. But I was so looking forward for it and my dad was so excited because he had planned it for months already. He really wants to surprise me with this magical little town he says I'll love. The day went by, I watched YouTube, twitch, I was on Pinterest, Instagram, TikTok...then I got myself I to finally do something productive. If I'd have to go to the city, I might as well use it to go to my university and see what can I do about my thesis and my dissertation. If I want to do so, I have to polish it to perfection and mail some teachers and push them into reading it and sign it. Hopefully I'll be making my professional exam and take off that weight off my shoulders. Nevertheless I watered my plants, fed the dogs, sat outside at the terrace and played with the dogs for a bit. Then went inside and started messaging a couple friends and my cousin. One of my friends explained me about how the ultimate goal from Hinduism is the dissolution of the soul with the universe. And to reach that level you have to be true to yourself and be compassionate and kind. He explained to me that it is beyond good and bad. I sobbed with his words thinking about if I'd do it all over again. All the pain, all the suffering, all the violence...vs a hug from my dad, a hug from my dogs watching my flowers bloom...laughing with my cousin, the bliss of a beautiful sunset...it makes me doubt...I guess that's a good sign.

I won't be seeing my psychiatrist until the next two weeks, I don't know how I feel about that. Since the incident if my birthday I had seen her every week. I still don't know about the Roadtrip with my dad and his girlfriend...I don't want to see my brother and stay with him for a whole week, but I don't want to see my mom and sister either. I'll have to chose the lesser evil.

I was talking to my lil friend and I helped him with a sketch, the idea is his but the doodle is mine. He said he had a dream about a mechanic spider being a typing machine. I haven't had lunch, I'm not hungry, just thirsty. I might make a smoothie and call it a day, watch something on Netflix or HBO until I fall asleep.