#*well dammit autocorrect

[halogalopaghost]

I was on track to be on time for work for once and chronic tummy ache disease got me literally on my way out the door. Abject misery. Despair. Twelve dead five million injured

[lurkiestvoid]

if you Blaze your fanfic post and it's topped with a giant AI cover image, I will navigate directly to your page to personally block you With Extreme Prejudice

[forsaken-headcanons]

Ok so I've been thinking some more about system c00lkidd and I decided Ima ➕r⚧ elaborating on i now :3

(also m⚧ keyboard is broken rn so I'm either relying on autocorrect or replacing ➕he le➕➕ers I can'➕ ➕⚧pe with emojis ➕ha➕look kinda similar) (pls bare with me I am suffering ;-;)

Ok so first off, ➕he system is named ➕eam c00lkidd.

Here's all of ➕he 'members';

-c00lkidd (10 y/o) (he/him)

ofc, c00lkidd's ➕he hos➕ of ➕he system, he needs no introductions. He's very silly :3

-p00lkidd (21 y/o) (he/him)

p00lkidd is basically c00lkidd's idea of what an adult is supposed to be like. He's sl⚧, laid back, and really good a➕ pool. He was supposed to be ➕he paren➕al figure of ➕he s⚧s➕em originally, bu➕ ➕hen Mafioso came in and basically s➕ole his job, so now he's more like ➕he cool uncle of he s⚧s➕em.

-sch00lkidd (10 y/o) (he/➕hey)

sch00lkidd's ➕he alter whose probably ➕he most similar ➕o c00lkidd, sharing ➕he same age. sch00lkidd's much more cautious, though, and prefers ➕o jus➕ si➕ b⚧ ➕hemself and read rather ➕han 'pla⚧' in an⚧ rounds. (he also ge➕s bullied b⚧ Zombie King sadly) (⚧es ➕ha➕ is canon)

-Cupcakes (15 y/o) (she/her)

Cupcakes fronts whenever c00lkidd s➕ar➕s ➕o realize ➕ha➕ he's actually killing people during rounds. She's full aware of he fac ha she's killing people, she jus➕ doesn'➕ care, she's completely numb ➕o i➕. In her free time, Cupcakes like baking and sewing (so what if she prefers using the flesh and organs of robloxians in her baking and sewing? Le➕ her have fun dammit >:P)

-Mafioso (39 y/o) (he/him)

Mafioso in ➕eam c00lkidd is heavily based off of he actual Mafioso in Forsaken, however here are a few differences. he Mafioso in ➕eam c00lkidd doesn'➕ have an⚧ helpers like ➕he real Mafioso does, and also ➕he one in ➕eam c00lkidd is just a li➕➕le less prone to violence ➕han ➕he real Mafioso (emphasis on "just a li➕➕le"). Mafioso fronts whenever ➕eam c00lkidd feels threatened, and is pre➕➕⚧ much ➕he paren➕ of ➕he s⚧s➕em.

-

➕ha➕'s about i➕ I ➕hink. ➕hank ⚧ou for baring with me and m⚧ broken ahh keyboard for ➕his one, hopefully i wasn'➕ ➕oo hard ➕o read 😔

-🐸🌵 anon

(wh⚧ am I even s➕ill going under ➕his alias? ⚧'all know who I am now) (oh well whatever)

c00lkidd system headcanons.., ough peak. rare p00lkidd and sch00lkidd mention too woag ! do you think the weirdly strict skin would be in too? not really as one who fronts, in a literal way– mf spawns in as the annoying voice when sch00lkidd fronts if that makes sense (yes we're projecting the c00lkidd in ours he has a tendency to not shut up /aff)

[greeneyedsigma]

Kid: BE A BETTER PERSON!

Luffy: WHY?!

Kid: BECAUSE SOMEONE NEEDS TO HAVE MORALS IN THIS RELATIONSHIP, AND IT SURE AS FUCK AIN'T GONNA BE ME, SWEETHEART!

**

Luffy: Do you want to explain the text you sent me last night?

Kid: It was autocorrect.

Luffy: Autocorrect wrote "You're so hot. Please step on me."?

Kid: Yes.

**

Kid: You are the love of my life and I would do anything within reason to make you happy.

Luffy: I would be happy if you ate, stayed hydrated and got a reasonable amount of sleep.

Kid: I said within reason, Luffy. How about I murder that guy?

Luffy: So murder is in reason but proper self care isn't?

Kid: Well, duh. What kind of question is that?

**

*Kid comes home absolutely drunk, undresses, and stands in Luffy’s bedroom.*

Luffy: Babe, are you.. coming to bed?

Kid: No thank you, I’m sure you’re lovely but I have a girlfriend.

Kid: *Lies on the ground and falls asleep*

Luffy: ...

**

Kid: Are you trying to seduce me?

Luffy: Why, are you seducible?

**

Kid: I fell—

Luffy: From heaven?

Kid: No, I literally fell—

Luffy: In love with me the moment you saw me?

Kid: MY ARM IS BROKEN!

Luffy: Okay, but do you think I'm pretty? Be honest.

**

Luffy: Would you rather kill Law, or—

Kid: Yes, kill them.

Luffy: I didn’t say the other thing—

Kid: I don’t need to hear it.

Law: …I’m feeling a little unsafe.

**

Law: Let’s not Luffy this into a worse situation than it already is.

Luffy: Did you just use my name as a verb?

**

Law: Dammit, Luffy, you ruined everything!

Luffy: You’re welcome.

[syntheta-ac]

GOD FUCKING DAMMIT autocorrect has been getting steadily worse over the past half-decade and I'm so tired of it. It used to be just a hard-coded list of words and if you spelled something that wasn't a word, it would give you the chance to TAP one of the three closest matches.

Then they added the functionality to automatically fix some things that were very obvious. I got over that in about a week.

Cut to me having to TRY FIVE FUCKING TIMES TO TYPE THE WORD "like" (slowly, correctly) and my phone INTERRUPTING me to say "Hey actually I 100% guarantee you're actually trying to type "Lime" here with the FUCKING CAPITAL L IN THE MIDDLE OF THE GOD DAMN SENTENCE.

Why? For what purpose, for what reason? Well, I can only assume it's because I responded "Lime, please," five minutes ago when my partner asked me what flavor of something I wanted. And because autocorrect is now an AdVaNcEd NeUrAl LeArNiNg MoDeL or whatever the fuck instead of a firm-coded list of contextual rules WHICH I REMIND YOU WORKED PERFECTLY FINE THE ENTIRE TIME I have to fight BOTH my muscle memory (hitting space after typing a word CORRECTLY) AND my actual phone at the same time to be able to type one of the most COMMON WORDS IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE. FUCK YOU.

[ive-given-up-the-bug-diet]

This is a big rant that probably makes no sense so please ignore it it's for my own personal gain

I hate how my phone decides it has urgent necessary software updates that only serve to make the interface more alien to me and make my phone slow as shit, I hate that the skip ad button on YouTube is tiny now & that now ADVERTS are called "sponsored videos" and just SLIPPED IN amongst the rest of what i watch. All this change and data harvesting in the name of progress and personalisation i don't get to see because the more I scroll the more my recommended is just people doing that stupid fucking sniperwolf face in a thumbnail for some bullshit i don't care about in a LITERAL FUCKING AD THAT IS ALMOST IDENTICAL TO A REGULAR VIDEO WHEN YOURE ON HORIZONTAL

Why are companies so against me being on horizontal? "oH iTs jUSt liKe tiKtOk" I DO NOT WANT YOU TO BE LIKE TIKTOK IF I WANT TIKTOK ILL GO TO TIKTOK GOD FUCKING DAMMIT IF PEOPLE WANT TO INVEST IN TIKTOK THEY ARE NOT GOING TO INVEST IN INSTAGRAM BECAUSE OF YOUR SHITTY LITTLE "rEElS" OR AT THE VERY LEAST THAT SHOULDNT BE WORTH COMPROMISING USER EXPERIENCE

I hate how my old phone's autocorrect/spellchecker was almost perfect, I could type out the most incomprehensible bullshit and it would know what I was trying to say and my current phone's spellchecker can't even keep up with my - frankly mediocre - type speed and it just corrected "phone's spellcheck" to "phone's spellchecker". Sometimes I write the word so and it decides I meant to write "do". My old phone would consistently capitalise my "I"s and put in apostrophes where I would usually need them. My phone doesn't even capitalise my "I"s automatically. What did they do to the design of these phones that the spellcheck is worse?

Why did my phone just change "phones" to be "phone's"? Is it stupid? Why does it not understand after 3 separate times of me actively writing the word spellcheck that I want to write spellecheck and not spellchecker? Why when j wrote out "spellceckh" moments ago did it not correct me but it corrected me now? Is it too slow for my typing speed? Is the COMPUTER slower than my human hands?

I am going to find whoever makes these decisions, literally everyone involved in them - even tangentially, and I'm going to kill them with hammers. Im so fucking tired PUT THE APOSTROPHE INTO MY "I'M" RIGHT NOW YOU STUPID WORTHLESS PIECE OF PLASTIC SHIT YOU ARE A WASTE OF ENERGY AND A WASTE OF MONEY AND A WASTE OF LABOUR EVEN WHEN I AM USING YOU FOR THE MOST INNOCUOUS THINGS YOU STILL FIND A WAY TO INFURIATE ME SO I SPEND 5 MILLION YEARS USING YOU TO GET OUT MY FRUSTRATION ON PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET WELL IM DONE IM NOT DOING IT ANYMORE I HATE YOU YOU SOUL-SUCKING CREATIVITY-DESTROYING HATE-MONGERING PIECE OF SCRAP METAL. A fucking computer the size of a microchip that can give me access to all the world's knowledge and its too fuckinf stupid to correct my typing what a ficking rip-off. And I'm keeping those typos in just as proof of the horseshit I have to put up with.

[bakedbananners]

#7 for the ask game

(ask game)

7. which two characters that have never/barely interacted would be best friends or dating in your mind if given the circumstances?

I know you asked me this to get me to talk about Magnus and Leo (EDIT: NICO. dammit autocorrect lmfao whatever) but MUTHAFUCKIN SIKE. Hear me out:

Alex and Leo as bffs. Are your kidding me? The two Mexican artsy kids who everyone thinks is weird? They’d get along so fast. They’d make arts and crafts together. They make wild fucking insane magical shit and enable each other in the funniest ways possible. Also Leo having like zero connection to Mexican culture and Alex is like fucking FINALLY someone I can speak Spanish with. Leo come here I’m gonna teach you so much lol

Alex is also the kind if person to just say what she’s thinking, and she can read people really well, so I feel like she’d be a great positive influence to Leo. He’s also got that whole… toxic masculinity I Have To Be The Straightest Person In This Room thing going on or whatever so I feel like meeting someone (who is also latine cough cough) who is like FUCK gender I do what I want and I don’t give a shit what ppl think and I embrace my weirdness, would be pretty good for him? Ye

I can just imagine Alex straight up saying like, i can tell you just act tough because you’re insecure or whatever, it’s really weird so stop doing that lmao. also break up with ur girlfriend. AGSHDJDJ also I think Leo would get a one-sided semi-crush on her because It’s Alex, that she never acknowledges or reciprocates because she’s already got one lame loser guy and that’s Enough lolll. Also they bond over having died or whatever, and also the other trauma shit. They make way too many jokes about it lol

[soobadnoonecanstopher]

Touch it for Real, Part 5

Genre: Humor / Fluff / Eventual Smut

Warnings: OMG they were roommates / slice of life / slow burn / mutual pining / crude humor / cursing / virgin!baek / idiots to lovers / mention of feet

Characters: Baekhyun X You/Female Reader

Description: You teach Baekhyun how to date. (Basically the Get You Alone M/V)

Part 1 , Part 2 , Part 3 , Part 4 , Part 5, Part 6

Baekhyun was trembling. His hands were actually shaking so much each time he tried to type into the keyboard of his phone he hit the wrong letters and the typos rendered his message impossible for even the autocorrect to guess what he was trying to say.

“Just — ugh — just give me a regular keyboard for fuck’s sake,” he was grumbling to himself, “my hands wont stop shaking. I can’t. I can’t do this.”

He tossed the phone with force away from him and it landed face down on the carpet across the living room.

“No. I refuse,” he was staring over at the phone on the floor with a shell shocked aura about him, “just forget it. I’ve changed my mind. I can’t. I won’t!”

You’d given him a homework assignment an hour ago.

Ask a girl out on a date.

He’d been sitting on this sofa with his phone in his hands, writing, deleting, rewriting and deleting, again and again, into the text message conversation he had going with Mia.

It had been going pretty well with Mia actually. You’d been handing him the reins more and more and you both celebrated together with a single glass of wine the night he’d had his first actual phone conversation with her. Baekhyun was a lightweight and usually refused to drink more than a few sips of alcohol but he’d gone for the chilled bottle in the fridge and poured it into two glasses and handed one of them to you and lifted his own into the air. He did not wait for you to acknowledge his toast though. He just downed the contents of his glass with a wince on his face in a single go, slammed the empty glass down onto the counter roughly and stormed out of the kitchen toward his bedroom. You sipped your glass and counted it as a shared celebration.

His phone call lasted for 3 minutes and 32 seconds and he managed to tell one awkward joke that elicited audible laughter from the girl. You knew because you sat on the couch beside him with your ear pulled up as close to the phone as you could manage, trying to hear everything that happened. You’d let him know you were here to intervene if something went wrong but honestly you were sure he would do well on his own. And honestly, he was about to do well on his own, despite how awkward and very nervous his voice was.

They had gotten past the introductions at least twice when he briefly forgot what came after “hello” and simply said it a second time. She at least said it twice too and the awkward pause that came after that went on for too long when you held up the index card in your hand and pointed with your finger to the question you had written down.

“Uhh...so h-how...umm...how are — I mean, what are you up to?”

You couldn't make out her response, but whatever she said pulled an interested hum from the back of his throat and he made a quick witted remark that had her giggling in response.

You could definitely make out the sounds of her laughter and you could instantly see the change on his face when it happened. You saw the brightness form inside his eyes and he turned to look at you with a surprised expression as he lifted a finger to point at the phone he held in his hand.

His eyes were wide with something in between amazement and panic and he mouthed the words ‘she’s laughing’ at you and you nodded enthusiastically in response.

Unfortunately a few seconds after the joke he accidentally dropped the phone and it took a wild bounce, landing somewhere under the couch. He couldn’t find it for two whole minutes and when he finally found it, he made up some excuse about having to go because he smelled something burning.

He stared at the phone until the screen turned black and he didn’t move when you rubbed a soothing hand over his back.

“That went pretty good,” you offered. Baekhyun grunted and turned toward the kitchen for the celebratory toast.

Since that night, (you know the one) you’d intentionally taken on a more supportive teacher role in this project. You vowed to keep yourself involved as much as he needed and you swore you could keep your own selfishness from impeding his progress. The way you had been acting had been unfair and he was too good to you for him to deserve anything less than your very best.

You had made a promise to Baekhyun and then you made a promise to yourself to follow through on that promise. You would move Heaven and Earth to help him reach his goal because he deserved it and seeing him happy would be enough to get you through anything that came your way.

You were fine.

No really, you were completely fine.

He was moaning.

You sat on the couch beside him with your foot propped up on the coffee table as you carefully applied the second coat of polish to your toenails. You’d become quite the expert at applying polish to your nails during bumpy situations. Sitting next to the man who flailed and squirmed beside you on this sofa was commonplace and simply no big deal.

You could probably do this during an earthquake.

His moaning turned into much louder moaning and he threw himself back onto the arm of the couch dramatically and in protest of the unfairness of your assignment.

“Buuuug,” he whined through his nose, drawing it out like a little kid.

You’d just finished your pinky toe when his foot pushed up against your thigh.

Your aim was quick and you reached over and grabbed his foot by the heel as you pivoted in place.

“Be still,” you said calmly and you held his foot in place as you applied the bright red polish to his big toenail. You often did his toes to match your own because it made his toes look adorable and he wore socks everywhere he went anyway so he didn’t mind what you did to amuse yourself.

You moved quickly, dabbing carefully over each of his nails until they were all painted to match yours. You blew air over them to dry them, being thankful you’d invested in the 60 second polish.

“Buuu-hu-hu-hu-uuug,” he moaned harder, wiggling his hips into the fit he was throwing and closing his eyes to sell you on the absolute anguish he was in. “Bug, I just don't think I can do it. Can we do something else? I don't even know what to do on a date. What if she says no? Oh god, what if she says yes, I’m going to puke. Do you want to see me puke? Because I am going to puke.”

You tapped a hand lightly over the top of his finished foot and pointed to the other one and after a few moments he shifted, giving in to what you asked for right away.

But good lord, he was dramatic. The whining and the moaning intensified just when you thought you couldn't stand another volume increase he raised his voice into a shout and put actual words to his protests. Your ears were already ringing and you could feel your substantial patience — really, you were on a level with a Buddhist monk after two years living with this — beginning to shake.

“I mean, if I asked you to teach me how to swim would you chuck me into the ocean on the first day?”

You forced your focus down on his other foot, getting the polish smooth and perfect with each stroke. He had gone quiet after his question to you and you bit down on your lip as you carefully pondered the words he was saying. The last thing you wanted was to make him so uncomfortable he was unable to go about his daily life. You didn't need this project to become a source of heartache for the man.

You were not an unreasonable person. Perhaps this really had been too big of a step for him to take without having even practiced under the careful instruction of a teacher.

He’d waited in silence for you to answer for only a few seconds and when you didn’t; because you were thinking about it, dammit, he threw his whole head back and his mouth opened up and he wailed into the ceiling above his head at an even more annoying volume than you thought was possible. This was new and shocking. It was deafening. Surely the neighbors would think someone was being butchered in here.

The awful sounds were coming straight from his diaphragm. The man had power in those pipes and he was going to destroy your ear drums in order to get his way. It went on and on, changing from a moaning, groaning large-dog-with-a-bellyache sound into what you imagined it might sound like inside of an echo chamber trapped with a big sad whale, the biggest ones they made, who also happened to be on fire. He was giving you everything he had now. This was full volume and it was horrible.

“Alright!” You shouted over the wretched screaming, “Alright fine! For the love of God, Baekhyun!” You said for emphasis and the incredible relief of silence flooded and cleansed your ear drums that still vibrated from the after effects of all of that noise.

He lifted his head and closed up his mouth instantly and his eyes were wide as he cautiously watched and waited for what you would say next.

“Do you want me to teach you? Do you think you can practice with me so you learn how to do it before you have to do it for real, on your own? That’s what you mean right? You want more instruction before I throw your ass into the ocean?”

His lips were situated down into a fierce pout now and he nodded his head twice; a big ol’ up and down.

You were irked now. No amount of pathetic pouting on that face could pull you back from the edge. Even the slow careful nod of his head was just an obvious attempt at winning you over with cuteness. Well, it wouldn't work. If anyone was capable of annoying someone to death, it was this man right here and he came very close just now.

“New assignment,” you said with your finger raised and he pulled his bottom lip in between his teeth and pushed his top lip forward as he inflated his cheeks into round balloons. He sat up straighter and he waited for you to speak.

“Since I am a woman,” you began with your finger still raised and waving in his direction. His eyes glanced down at it, “you may ask me out on a date, for practice. And if I say yes, we will then—”

Your pointed finger was joined by your whole hand as you opened it up and you waved it through the air twice, a visual representation of cause and effect of such a situation. His eyeballs followed every movement you made, looking at the hand that moved instead of at you, the actual speaker.

His eyes popped up into yours when he registered the words you were saying; the requirements of his new assignment.

“...we will then — well, we will..”

Your words were sticking. He was listening very closely and he’d released the air trapped in his mouth and his lips now hung open as his eyes occasionally followed the waving of your hand in front of his face. It was silly how shifty his focus was when your hand moved in front of him.

“We...will…” he said and his face moved, mirroring the movements of your hand as he tried best to understand the new task you were trying so hard to assign to him, even repeating your words to help you get the next ones out.

“We will go on a date. A real one. A practice date. You will have to take me on a date, Baekhyun. You’ll just have to .. do your best at it.”

“A date? I’ll have to,” he said with a flinching, squinting blink of his eyes, “...do my best?”

“Yes, of course,” you said as you pointed your finger at him again, pulling a swift but deep gasp into your lungs to fight the dizziness you could feel building inside your head, “It’s an assignment. Like school. I will give you a grade on how well you do. If you fail, then it’s over and I’m a terrible teacher and clearly your problems are beyond my area of expertise.”

His polish was dry. This conversation needed to be over because you were weirdly agitated by the wide eyed, deer in the headlights expression stuck on his face.

“I’ll send you some study materials later. You better take this seriously, Byun Baekhyun. This is a real assignment from your real dating teacher.”

The entire situation made you anxious. The desire to flee was very strong. You needed a getaway and you needed it now. You felt a tremble inside that could only be attributed to just how freaked out he had been acting. It was rubbing off on you.

You wanted to make a quick escape but you were now fighting with the many bottles of nail polish scattered across the coffee table; you’d gone through so many of them as you decided on which color to use — they really were just numerous and just everywhere. You grasped at them, trying to grab huge handfuls at one time but your hands couldn't hold as many as you wanted and each attempt sent a bottle or two clattering noisily to the table below. It was really ruining the dramatically cool exit you were trying for.

After quite a bit of noise you felt the warmth of Baekhyun’s arm as he leaned against you and began to help you pick up the bottles; carefully placing each in it’s designated spot in your huge nail polish organizer.

It took a bit of effort for you to turn to look at him and when his fingertips carefully placed the final bottle in the case you clicked the lid closed and finally managed to face him.

His eyes were flighty. His face was flushed and when he met your eyes the smile on his lips was very tense. It looked like a grimace.

You had to be insane to be doing this. Willingly putting yourself into a situation like this with him, a situation that was for instructional purposes only, but a situation nonetheless. Your heart was racing inside of your chest and you briefly wondered if he could hear it with him sitting so close to you.

You swallowed it away, the nerves or the uncertainty or whatever it was that had taken hold of your hands and made them unstable and you turned to look into his face head on.

“Do you understand the assignment?”

Baekhyun filled his lungs with air and straightened his shoulders, pulling them back as his eyes closed up. You recognized the self calming behavior. When he turned to look at you he held a new determination in his eyes and he nodded his head and furrowed his eyebrows.

“I was always a good student,” he said, “I will do my best with this assignment. I’ll take it seriously, so I can learn from you well.”

You reached forward and patted the back of his hand lightly and offered a reassuring smile.

“Don't be too nervous, okay? Remember it’s for class so you should learn from it. Mistakes are natural and they help us grow. And you won’t have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. I mean it.”

He swallowed and his lips flattened out into a thin line across his face. His head bobbed up and down and he hummed out a response that told you that yes, he did know what was expected of him for the sake of the lesson; for the sake of his future as an adult man who was entering the dating pool in search of the companionship of some lucky lady.

“Also remember, it’s just me. No pressure. Okay, Peanut? I’m here to help you. You could spill an entire cup of iced tea down my dress at dinner and I would still forgive you.”

“No pressure,” he repeated under his breath and when you were finally satisfied that he really understood, you stood, hefting your manicure supplies up with both hands and you stepped away from the living room to return them to your bathroom.

“Do I have a deadline?” He called after you and you turned back with your hand on the doorknob to your room, quietly amused by the seriousness you saw on his face. At the same time, proud of what a good student he was. He was a smart boy, he would do well in anything he was determined to do.

“Ask me out by tomorrow or else Ben might beat you to it.”

You figured a little sense of competition couldn't hurt. And yes, you were still actually speaking regularly with Ben. You were pleasantly surprised with how smart and how funny he turned out to be and he turned out to be a pretty good distraction for the evenings when you’d normally be bored and hanging around in Baekhyun’s room while he played some game on his PC and he’s toss you a remote for the screen that hung up on the wall above his head. You’d play music videos, or cooking videos from YouTube, or some drama or variety shows and he’d play his games and lean far back in his chair watching the screen when exciting things happened on screen.

A few times lately though, when you went into his room you’d find him watching some anime and you just knew he’d want to pay close attention so he could discuss it later with Mia. You’d much rather find someone to entertain you alone so you didn’t have to be ignored or shushed when you interrupted his anime with some stupid question about it, like who is that guy with the crazy eyes and why is he trying to kill everybody. Ben’s conversations were good enough to keep you occupied at least a little bit.

Back in your bedroom you got to work searching for materials for Baekhyun to study. Mostly using helpful YouTube videos with titles such as “how to ask a girl out”, “what to talk about on a first date” and a super helpful online book you found called The Gentleman’s Guide: How to be the Perfect Date. It was just a little outdated with the styles but the book was extensive and ran the gamut from hygiene to manners to confidence and conversation; it even had an entire section called The Art of Subtle Seduction and it made you just a little embarrassed to think of Baekhyun reading this part. He was an adult. He could handle this much. The Dos and Don'ts of a First Date section alone was worth the price you paid for the book.

You wrote up an email with your course materials and sent it off to the man.

Then you sat and waited alone in your bedroom until your level of boredom that in any other situation would be unremarkable, when combined with the built up anticipation inside of you, mixed into a perfect storm of swirling lunacy that was bouncing around inside of you; trying to break free and wreak havoc on something other than your chest walls.

You grabbed your cell phone, slipped by the 2 waiting text messages from Ben that you would absolutely get to later, and opened a new text message to Baekhyun.

‘peanut did you get my email ^^?’

You were sure he did. Of course he did. You wondered if there was anything he found lacking in the pages and pages of super helpful information you sent him. You wondered what he thought about it all and maybe if he needed some guidance or suggestions on how to proceed with the first step of his assignment. Did he need you to come over to his bedroom and watch the videos with him? Would that be too awkward?

Your phone vibrated.

‘yep’

He would ask for help if he needed it, you were certain. He would be fine. This wasn’t real anyway. It wasn’t like there was an actual deadline, not really. You enjoyed talking with Ben but it didn’t seem like he was close to asking you out yet. He had been a bit busy lately and you had been busy as well with work and with helping Baekhyun.

You’d seen from the notification preview on your phone that Ben’s last two messages were asking you something that would take a while to explain and you didn’t want to open them yet in case he’d been expecting you to reply quickly. You needed a bit more time to come up with an answer for the questions he had casually asked about your roommate. You’d tell Ben that Baekhyun was, yes, a guy. And no, it wasn’t awkward living with a man.

You’d get to all that later. Now, you were entirely too keyed up about a problem of your very own creation.

When.

But really...

When?

You could not relax. Because honestly it could happen at any moment. He could come barging into your room, plop his ass down unceremoniously on your bed and say “Hey Doll, hows about you and me go on a hot date this weekend, what about it? Nyeeahhh?” Like some sort of 1940s gangster. You could definitely see Baekhyun doing this accent. You were pretty sure he had a 40s gangster hat in his closet.

You’d decided that you wouldn't give him a hard time about how he asked you. You’d accept right away for the sake of his nerves, if he worked up the courage to ask you at all, then he was on the right track and he deserved an E for effort.

You still had trouble with the anticipation. Not knowing when was the hardest part to handle. You tried your very best to go about your day in as normal a way possible. Sure, you jumped every time you heard a sound, but other than that, it felt like any other day.

He spent the rest of the evening in his room and didn't even come out until you heard the doorbell ring. You peaked your head out of your bedroom door and waited for him to answer it but after a few minutes with no sight of him you stepped out. The doorbell rang a second time and you rushed from your room to answer it before the visitor gave up.

It could have been something important. This building had a doorman so it was usually someone who had a purpose ringing the bell.

The view through the camera monitor showed a run of the mill pizza delivery man, and you remembered that it was Baekhyun’s turn to make dinner tonight. He must have ordered you a pizza so he could hide in his room all night and not have to worry about walking around you in the kitchen and not asking you out on a date.

This was his way of avoiding you for the night.

You had to swallow down the flash of silly disappointment that popped up. You’d assumed correctly that he had already paid for the pizza and you received your cardboard box of loneliness with a polite smile for the weirdly cheerful delivery kid.

You gave a quick glance at the label in the front of the box to check for forbidden toppings just in case he’d forgotten who he was avoiding tonight and put something weird on it like corn and mayo or hot peppers.  

The label had four lines of ingredients listed, the first said ‘xtra cheese’ and each additional one after that said ‘xtra cheese.’ Nothing else, just ‘xtra cheese’ listed four times in succession.

What in the world?

You briefly considered a malfunction of the pizza shop’s label maker, but boy was this thing heavy. Did he sneeze while selecting toppings and accidentally hit the option four times?

You set the monster down on the counter and lifted the lid. It was steaming hot despite the trip in the car and up the elevators to your door and as soon as you opened it you noticed the odd appearance of the inside lid.

There was a message handwritten with black marker inside of the lid.

Your stomach leapt up into your throat as you recognized what this was. The message started with the word Bug.

You had to cover your mouth to get through this.

Bug,

I know this is really, really, really, really cheesy, but will you go out on a date with me this Saturday?

Knock thrice on my door for yes.

-Peanut

P.S. Did I beat Ben?

You had to hang your head to contain it. You wanted to scream. Giggles actually burst out of your mouth before you could stop them. You were highly amused. Actually reallly fucking impressed and goddammit you felt a genuine flutter of butterflies inside of your stomach. How was he this clever? He had always been very silly and good at thinking of the most ridiculous scenarios to get things done, but wow. When you lifted the lid once more to read his message again your mind spun with the logistics of that man in that bedroom sneakily ordering this thing from a real pizza shop that was probably a block from your home.

Did he call them and explain the situation? Did all of the employees gather around, chanting ‘More cheese! Give the man more cheese!’ As they loaded this pizza up with what looked to be a full inch of melted cheese on top? It compromised the edges of the crust and flowed over the cardboard below. It was absolutely ridiculous and nearly inedible too.

Did they giggle at the pet names you called each other as they selected the employee with the best handwriting to relay his message?

You were buzzing again. This time it was pride. He was brilliant at everything he put his mind to and this was clearly no exception. He would do so well in his life.

You left the kitchen and made your way toward his closed bedroom door. As you came close you heard a very soft thud; wooden door hitting wooden door frame. The movement was hardly noticeable but you could see a slow turn of the doorknob too. He probably thought he was sneaky.

You lifted your closed fist and quietly hit three times against his door and after exactly ten seconds you heard the squeak of his doorknob turning and his bedroom door opened up an inch.

You saw a single brown eyeball peeping at you through the opening.

“I’ll text you the details later,” he whispered and the door closed up again before you could respond.

The details came by text message a day later, just as he promised. It was a Thursday afternoon when your phone buzzed and you’d just put the final touches on your data entry work for the day, running it through a spell checker for mistakes as you always did. You’d expected to hear from Ben by now, he said he had something to go straighten out at the bank. He’d taken it well, finding out that your roommate was a man around your age, and he didn’t even ask too many prodding questions about him.

The message was from Baekhyun with the time he would ‘arrive’ to pick you up on Saturday and he gave you sparse details about what he actually had planned; just a quick note at the end that he would be wearing a suit. You figured this was a hint for you to dress up as well.

Was Baekhyun taking you some place fancy? Your curiosity was positively burning and Baekhyun had been acting super weird around you lately.

Whenever you’d come into a room he was already occupying he would make up some excuse why he had to leave it and vanish inside his room to carry on with his highly secretive behavior. Whenever you went into his room he would spin in his chair toward the door with what you were positive was a caught red handed look on his face. It was like you had just caught him watching porn, only you’d caught glimpses of his screen before he quickly hit a keyboard command to clear out the screen and you didn't see a single boob.

After the first time, you’d made it a point to barge into his room often, just to see the surprised look on his face; you did it all for that gasp of air, the frantic fingers of panic on the keyboard, and the trembling hand over his chest as he clutched his pearls. All you caught flashes of were just regular looking websites. Regular text and regular pictures. You saw some blues, you saw some greens. You definitely didn't see the incriminating black and yellow theme of everyone’s favorite adult website. There was nary a penetrative moan to be heard through his speakers. The entire thing brought you great joy. The man was acting so odd and honestly he was getting your hopes up for a fantastically mind blowing date on Saturday. You’d already picked out your dress, heels, and jewelry and had been having a very hard time tolerating the ever so tedious passage of time.

By the time Saturday rolled around you were a wreck of nerves; though you weren’t exactly sure why you were so anxious. It was probably his recent fretting and obsessive preparations that had rubbed off on you. You’d decided to take it easier on him today. He’d obviously been working very hard on this assignment once given the dangling carrot of a good grade to be awarded at the end and if there was one thing you knew about Baekhyun, it was how much he strived to achieve perfection in his academic performance. You’d provided the materials. He’d obviously been studying and go-time was quickly approaching.

You took your time getting ready, soaking in your bathtub to kill some of the dull waiting hours before he was due to pick you up. By the time you were scrubbed, rinsed, shaved, moisturized, plucked, preened, coiffed, and scented to your satisfaction, you had only a half an hour to slip up the straps on the fancy fitted cocktail dress and check your reflection in the full length mirror. It was fitted and had a deep plunging neckline. It accentuated the best parts of your figure and the high slit that landed over your upper thigh showed just enough skin to make you feel sexy.

With your heels you were ready to go; feeling about as pretty as you had in a long while. The silliest little fantasy swam through your head as you spun in front of the mirror and it brought just a little warmth to your cheeks as you allowed it to play out. The idea that he would find you so lovely, so irresistible, that even the iron willed man with his self control like a steel trap would lose himself in the slow blinks of your lashes and drown in the pools of your eyes for just one night.

When you lightly slapped a palm over your cheek, it was to ground yourself. This was fake. Everything that happened tonight would be the result of careful calculations and applications of behaviors modeled in text books that he had studied all week long. It was a date with Baekhyun, but it wouldn't really be an accurate representation of the Baekhyun that you know so well.

You knew he would follow a script. He would perform as a perfect gentleman and you would play along, knowing that when he brought you home you would get a gentle hug and a thanks for sharing your knowledge with him and you would close your bedroom door and he would return to his bedroom door and life as you know it would simply fall back into place as it should remain unchanged for however long it took for you to get back on your feet, perhaps get a place of your own not too far away from him; although this neighborhood was very expensive, you’d settle for one or two subways stops away if it meant you could visit your best friend often and see him living out the life he deserved with someone who was worthy of his love.

Tonight, you will enjoy. But you would not allow your emotions to betray your rational mind. You would enjoy it and then it would be over and Baekhyun would have the skill set to ask out Mia, or whoever else he set his mind on asking out.

Your quiet self assurance was interrupted by two soft knocks on your bedroom door and your hands were trembling as you grabbed your handbag that had your cell phone, a tube of lipstick for touch-ups and a few just in case items you were always taught to carry with you, you know, just in case.

You’d reached the door and swung it open with a beaming smile on your face.

Your date was here. Baekhyun was here. It was Peanut.

A smile that quickly transformed into what you were sure was a gaping opening in your face resembling some aquatic animal and you found yourself gazing upon, frankly, an expertly styled exquisitely handsome real life man, who was wearing Byun Baekhyun’s face and smile.

Despite seeing him standing before you with your own two eyes, your brain was having trouble reconciling the two; your harmless roommate and the man who stood before you wearing a crisp suit jacket that he filled out shockingly well, a fashionable collarless dress shirt that looked like it came from some fancy boutique from downtown, fitted dress slacks that you tried your best not to linger on for too long, and were his shoes Italian? You were pretty sure they were Italian. More than just the clothes, his hair was different. He’d gone and had something done to his hair! Lord, you saw slight waves and a deliberate styling by an expert hand with just a bit of his forehead visible. Oh he looked so lovely with this hair style.

You remembered to close your mouth, but only after the realization dawning on you that he hadn’t said anything to you as you silently admired how beautiful he looked standing in his fancy suit looking like at least a million bucks.

You knew...you knew he was an attractive man. You’d have plenty of glimpses of it again and again, freshly reminded of it during that photo shoot late that night. You’d even known he worked out and had had plenty of chances to ogle the muscles on his arms and chest when he just woke up and would wander out shirtless for a drink of water. You knew that the entire shape of this man was the kind of handsome that you had to make conscious decisions to ignore. You’d forced yourself to look away plenty of times in the past. Still, the Baekhyun who stood here today, the one who had his lips parted as he stared into your eyes now after what you were certain was a head to toe, slow as hell, full body appreciation of all of your preparations to get ready for tonight, this Baekhyun was, for lack of a better word, he was sexy as all hell.

For the first time since you began this project; these lessons in dating, you felt like you might actually be in some sort of trouble.

Baekhyun spoke at last and it was the softest whisper. He said your name. Not Bug, not stupid or dummy or stinky which he called you sometimes even though you knew, you fucking knew you always smelled amazing. You went out of your way to smell great. The sound of your name on his voice softened the shock in your face and you felt a smile pull at your lips.

And so you smiled at him and watched the slow but complete smile that manifested on his pretty face.  

“Hi,” he said with a blink of his bright eyes.

“Hi Baek,” you said. Your heart was racing.

He pivoted on his (Italian!) shoes and extended a bent elbow toward you and you slipped a hand around his arm.

He was doing so well. Each step you took through your shared home felt new. You had a hard time keeping from watching the side of his face and each glance you made was greeted with the light touch of his eyes as he met your eyes with his own.

Moments blurred. He ticked all the boxes, of course. He opened your door, closed it quietly behind you once you were inside. Even helped you with the seatbelt, much to the dismay of your racing heartbeat when he reached over to pull the red strap across you, careful to keep his hands well away from touching any of your actual body as he did it. The true devastation hit you when, all closed up inside the dark car in the silent moments before he started the engine and the intoxicating smell of him reached your nose.

This was a new smell. Baekhyun had gone to the salon, gone shopping for expensive new clothes, and was also wearing what had to be the best smelling cologne you had ever experienced in person.

“You smell really good,” you said without looking at him and your fingers fidgeted with the strap of your handbag to keep your mind working.

“So do you,” he said followed by an inhale that you were certain sounded just a little thready and he was steering the car through lanes and turns of a parking garage to exit the building.

His destination was the kind of fancy dream-like restaurant that you saw only in movies. The sun would be setting soon and you were led to a rooftop terrace with a view over the city and a single table set for two. You followed the pleasantly clean woman and lingering just behind you, Baekhyun silently fell behind one or two steps. A glance behind woke him up from whatever daze he’d fallen into and he closed the distance with two larger steps and a shy smile on his lips.

The waitstaff worked like ninjas. Glasses were refilled as if by magic and course after course of delicious food appeared before you as you watched the sunset over the horizon and when the light faded enough, the soft glow of twinkle lights illuminated the view around you.

The dinner was delicious and the scenery was breathtaking and that alone would have given him full marks for such a lovely evening out, but Byun Baekhyun was proving to be an overachiever as he started to talk to you. He was asking you open-ended questions, pulling conversation easily from you and you found yourself giggling and laughing as he joked in response or told you some funny anecdotes from his childhood that he knew you would love.

By the time dessert arrived you were pretty certain you were drunk despite half of the wine that remained back in your glass. Baekhyun, ever the stickler for vehicle safety had stuck to soft drinks and when he excused himself for the restrooms, you waited patiently under the glowing lights as you daydreamed about the genuine brightness you were certain you saw in his smiles. Had the twinkle in his eyes been just a reflection of this place? Everything about him tonight felt so real. You’d read through the same book he read through and you couldn’t recall him using a single recycled phrase or conversation point during dinner.

Maybe he was just that good of a student.

A noise startled you from behind and you jumped when a single red rose was laid on the table in front of you.

A rose. Baekhyun had brought you back a rose from somewhere; maybe he stole it from the elaborate flower arrangements you passed on the way in.

“Where did you get this?” You mused as you smelled his sweet offering and he shrugged and tugged at the top button of his shirt, undoing it and slipping slim fingers down to undo the second button as well. Your eyes watched the action and weirdly the fragrance from the rose smelled sweeter than the first time you smelled it.

“I just had it,” he said cryptically with another charming and blinding smile.  

“Ready to go? We have one more place to visit.”

The next place he took you was even more magical than the fancy restaurant. The parking lot was nearly empty and when he opened your door he was fussing around with a small bag in the backseat of his car.  He pulled out a pair of black ballet flats and you watched in awe as the man actually kneeled down on the pavement in front of you to carefully slip your heels off of your feet and slip on the comfortable shoes.  

While they did not look anywhere near as sexy as the heels did, you instantly understood the need for a change.

Baekhyun had brought you to an aquarium with what looked like miles and miles of indoor and outdoor paths to walk through with tunnels traveling through the biggest tanks of aquatic sea life you’d ever seen.

You were instantly hypnotized by the deep sea exhibits that seemed to take you for miles and miles below the surface of the ocean where the sea life grew weirder and the lighting grew darker and dimmer the further down you traveled. Here at depths difficult to wrap your brain around the fish and sea creatures have adapted to freezing waters and a bleak existence without any light at all. Many had their own light sources. The bioluminescent exhibits sparkled and twinkled like the stars in the sky out in the country. You saw entire universes all around you.

Baekhyun was as enraptured as you were and spent his time carefully reading each exhibit’s information card out loud as he stared with his mouth open in awe at the different creatures. There were hundreds of different species of fishes, beautiful ones and downright creepy ugly things from the very bottom of the oceans; endangered species too; the sleepy eyes of the sea turtles were your favorites and the impressions Baekhyun made of their swimming faces made you cackle with laughter. Bright lights illuminated meters of corals of all shapes, sizes, and colors, and you honestly felt like you’d entered another planet when you both walked into the jellyfish halls.

They glowed and flowed, bounced and danced, and moved like a dream. You found yourself hypnotized as you stared at the biggest tank full of them for long enough for Baekhyun to make three circles around waiting for you to follow him out of this room so he could go see the sharks.  

You knew the sharks were coming. You’d had a look at the map. And while you didn't necessarily dislike them, their huge sizes and razor sharp teeth always gave you the heebie-jeebies. The jellies were just so comfortable to look at and so relaxing.

It took some coaxing from Baekhyun, and maybe even a little tiny push at the back of your shoulders to get your feet to move and you lingered a bit long in the dark hallway that connects the two exhibits.

You just felt that maybe, the sharks could wait just a little bit longer to meet you.

He’d noticed right away and you opened up your eyes that you’d closed up for a little relaxing session when you felt the tips of his fingers running along the palm of your hand.

He gripped lightly at first, and then shifted your hand within his and he began walking forward in that dark hallway with you trailing behind him.

Baekhyun touched you sometimes. This was something that he did, on occasion. During a scary movie when you’d jumped too many times, or when you both walked through a crowded place and he didn't want you to wander off, he would occasionally hold your hand.  This wasn’t something new to you.

However your heart was beating hard in your chest and the warmth of his hand coupled with the firmness with which he held you felt so damn nice you were having trouble focusing on anything else except for your own shallow breathing and racing heartbeat — and his hand holding yours.

Sharks swam at a gentle languid pace. Clearly at ease and very well fed here in their homes, there didn't seem to be very much murder and feasting happening at all. Hammerheads, tiger sharks, something uglier than any other creature you had ever seen that came from The Midnight Zone of the deepest parts and with each creature that swam overhead, or beside you, or creeped up from somewhere behind you, Baekhyun would turn to face you and take two or three steps backwards as he pulled you through it, your hand held securely inside of his. He would smile at you that debilitating smile, and tilt his head and call you a scary cat or a big baby and you would laugh and roll your eyes and deny that you were even a little bit scared of anything at all.

All was going well. You were very well taken care of and felt very secure inside this tiny tunnel at the bottom fo the ocean and you’d noticed this time when Baekhyun had turned around to look at you with a bright smile that smile wavered just a touch and his eyes seemed to focus on something that was coming up from behind.

Your curiosity got the better of you and you turned to see what he saw.

Baekhyun moved quickly then, moving both of his hands up to reach for your face he pulled your head forward and moved his own face close to yours. You felt the warmth of his forehead lean against yours for a moment and you could not see around or behind you with his hands placed so carefully on the sides of your head like this.

You knew what it was. It had to be something huge and terrifying, maybe even something with fresh blood still on it’s teeth. A Great White. The giant monster from the movie Jaws that you had watched with him once not realizing just how scary it would be and you spent most of the film curled up under his arm wincing at the horrors you saw on the screen.

“Hey Peanut,” you said softly while looking up close into his eyes. He was so close you could feel the warmth of his breath on your face. His smell, that new smell of his smelled even better this close to his skin.

“Hey LoveBug,” he said with a gentle smile and you knew based on the use of this carefully reserved nickname for emergencies that it was exactly as you had feared. A Great White, chomping on the remains of the cutest crying baby penguin. The fluffiest one with its whole life ahead of it.

Baekhyun was safe though. Baekhyun was warm and he was here to protect you. You would be okay, you knew it.

“Is it gone yet?” You asked after what felt like the average time for a fish that size to swim away and you noticed something. It was a look, just a glance. Baekhyun’s eyes floated a bit and the warm breath you felt coming from him was delivered in quicker puffs through his parted lips.

When he licked his lips, you could not help it, your eyes caught the motion as his tongue ran over his bottom lip and left wetness behind and by the time you realized what you had done — where you had looked — you had already done it, your stubborn eyes had already looked and in your mind a vivid replay was happening. You felt too much. This was too much. This was supposed to be fake. Why did he have to smell so fucking good and why was he so aware of every tiny detail about you he knew when something would overwhelm you and ruin your mood, so he used his own body to shield you from it and protect you. You cautiously pulled your eyes back up only to find him blinking too fast and he was dropping his hands from your face as he took a step back and away from the stifling closeness.

You were dizzy. You felt it all over. Your heart was racing and the warmth you felt traveling through your body sent waves through you. You had to rub lightly over your forearms to smooth out the goosebumps and Baekhyun was no longer facing you, but was staring off into the literal depths of the cold black ocean and you took a while to recover enough to walk by him toward the exit of the aquarium and back into the darkened city streets you knew as the real world.

The walk back to the car was quiet and had an odd flavor about it. You both could feel the end coming. It had been a wonderful date. You’d spent hours, just the two of you talking and laughing and exploring literally new worlds you hadn’t before experienced. You felt a sudden but definite melancholy to see the fancy circles that made up the logo of his car.  

“Hey, you want to take a walk?” Baekhyun’s voice halted your steps and you turned back to see him standing with a hand in his pocket, fidgeting in hidden, likely with the key fob to his car, and a new sort of nervous flush on his cheeks that you hadn’t seen since he first showed up at your bedroom door looking like a dashing Prince Charming ready to sweep you off your feet.

“Sure,” you said, meaning every bit of it and secretly extremely thankful that this evening wasn’t over yet.

The walk was peaceful. It was a bit chilly tonight and you didn’t even resist when you felt the warmth of the coat jacket he placed over your shoulders. You thought you’d become used to the smell of him by now, but clearly you were incapable of ever getting used to his smell.

The streets were mostly empty now that the night had grown stale and you walked side by side passing various touristy shops that had long since closed up for the evening. Ahead you could see a small street side cafe that sold warm teas and coffees and Baekhyun was pulling out his wallet before you even had the chance to look at him with hopeful delight all over your face. He ordered two hot coffees and you danced and celebrated when he handed the first one to you.

It warmed you from the inside and you paid no mind to the smudges of lipstick all over the white lid of your cup. The hot drink made you happy and you could see your breath like a dragon in the chilly night air around you. Each puff made Baekhyun smile and when he’d taken a particularly big drink from his cup he pulled his head back and puffed out three perfectly formed rings of warm air into the color air above his head. The rings grew and then faded quickly but you were so excited to see his trick that you made him do it again and again until he was puffing and out of breath  and laughing too much for any more cool rings to form. This man was full of secrets. Absolutely full of them!

The night was winding on. You could feel the lateness in your limbs and you’d long since finished your drinks and dropped your paper cups into a street side trash can. Your feet, you found were protesting. It wasn’t that they ached or hurt or anything like that. You weren't even that tired. You were just having trouble with the idea of this ending and the night being over.

Everything had to end eventually. You didn't even pout at all when he pulled open your door. You just climbed in and sat down, fastening your own seatbelt this time with a sense of finality looming in your mind along with a wagging finger that quietly scolded you for letting your guard down during this date.

The drive back home was quiet. He didn't even turn on the radio and even though he drove with one hand, he held his other hand firm atop his thigh.

The small touches and stolen glances were over. The date was over. He had done very well. You were thoroughly swept off your feet and his grade would be an A+. You would go back to your room and go to sleep and tomorrow morning when you woke up you’d find him back to his usual antics and maybe, maybe you’d even get him to ask Mia out on a date.

You swallowed the dryness in your throat and the familiar landmarks outside your apartment building called you back home. Baekhyun pulled into the parking garage and you did not wait for him to round the hood of the car to reach your door, you simply opened it yourself and pushed through it.

Baekhyun did well. You had given him a task and he’d done it. He deserved all the praise and recognition for a job well done. He’d taken it seriously just as he said he would. This dark mood that had suddenly come over you could not show. You shouldn’t do this to him.

You cared for him too much to ruin this sweet evening.

You loved him too much. This quiet secret usually echoed around inside of your heart and you winced to hear it peaking it’s way up into your running thoughts.

The apartment was dark and you walked through it easily, knowing exactly where you could walk without bumping into anything and he didn’t turn on any lights as he walked closely behind you. He hadn’t said anything to you on the drive home, nor did he speak right now as he walked you back to your bedroom door where he had picked you up.

You turned to face him now. You pushed a smile up to your lips and his face was mostly in the darkness, barely lit with the city lights from the window.  

“Thank you for a lovely evening, Baekhyun. It was perfect. You were perfect. Seriously, you are amazing.”

You leaned before he did and you felt the staggered response from his limbs as he wrapped both of his arms around your shoulders for the hug.

“Thank you for coming with me tonight,” he whispered against your ear and when you pulled out of the hug, your small smile was not returned. You could see enough of his face to see that he did not smile at you now.

Your hand was on your door and you turned and stepped inside, thankful that you had left your small table lamp on. The room was warm and inviting and you closed the door behind you with a soft click that sounded exactly like clapperboard snapped to signal the end of a movie scene. You could almost hear a director somewhere yelling cut. Everybody clapped for the job well done. All the actors could now go home. It was over.

Your shoes were off. You’d pulled off the earrings and had taken off your necklace and the delicate tennis bracelet’s clasp was so tiny you had to try a few times to get it open so you could take it off.

When you reached up to slip the strap of your dress off your shoulders a tiny sound interrupted you. It was almost like a knocking, but it was so soft you had to listen carefully to hear if it repeated again.

It did not, but you could not shake that feeling that it had happened and out of genuine curiosity you walked across your bedroom and pulled your bedroom door open.

Someone was there; Baekhyun was there, standing in nearly the exact same position as he had been, wearing the same clothes. The only difference was the sight mess to his hair and the definite pink shade you saw on his face even in the dim lighting from the windows.

“Peanut?” You couldn’t imagine what this was. He was finished. The assignment was finished and he had done perfectly, you’d said so already...but, his eyes. You caught that same look that you’d seen on him many times before. It was a look of hard determination that propelled him forward when he dove into some new and difficult project he had to master. If you had to give it a name, you’d call it his passion. The passion he had inside of him to do things right. To be perfect.

“I said I would take it seriously,” he said in a well controlled voice and you shook your head, not understanding what he meant. Did he have some regrets about how the night went? Did he feel that he had somehow failed to live up to the requirements you’d set forth for him as his teacher?

“The date, I told you I would.” He wasn't clarifying anything with his words.

It was then that he moved.

His hands were up and Baekhyun took a step closer to where you stood confused and surprised at the threshold of your bedroom door. He reached for you with both hands and you felt the warmth of his palms on your cheeks at the same time as you felt the exhale from his parted lips against your mouth. It happened in a single moment. His lips connected with yours and you gasped in a surprised breath. Baekhyun kissed you. His lips were on yours and he held your face tightly between both of his hands as he did it. This was it. This was his goodnight kiss at your front door. This was the end of the date.

You could just make out the ultra up close view of him, his fluffed up hair, the smoothness of his forehead, his eyes closed up tight and dark eyelashes spread over his cheeks and it was all a big blur and so you closed your eyes and your heart raged noisily inside of your chest with the sudden need you felt for this to happen.

Your own lips parted and you felt the tilt of his head as his bottom lip pushed out slipping perfectly between your own and you could not stop it. You could not control the tightness with which your hands clung to the cotton of his dress shirt and pulled him toward you. You could not contain the way his tongue brushed lightly against your own and the way you reacted to it. The light moan that escaped from your throat and bounced around inside of his mouth. The light draw you felt on your lip as he pulled lightly and sucked on your lip as he did it. The final pull was him pulling away.

He ended the kiss with a step backward and a drop of his hands from your face.

He had kissed you and you most definitely had kissed him back. The labored breathing you struggled to contain did nothing for the dizziness.  

“Goodnight,” he said with a roughness on his voice; plus the blown out look in his eyes was telling you of many forbidden things that he was running from now. Things that even he knew were a very bad idea.

This had been fake. This was supposed to be a lesson.

You stood at your doorway and watched him disappear into his bedroom and after standing frozen in your doorway you had no choice but to return to the quiet glowing comfort of your own bedroom and close your door too.

Your hands were shaking and you felt the trembling all over you as you looked around at the place you called home. The place you loved more than anything in the world except for maybe that man who was likely facing a very similar struggle behind his own closed bedroom door.

The only difference was just how much you had to lose if you gave in.

You loved him. You knew it deep down inside of your soul. It had been buried for so long deep in the frozen depths of your ocean that you thought it would never surface and consume you, yet now you knew you’d been a fool.

Part 1 , Part 2 , Part 3 , Part 4 , Part 5, Part 6

Tag list: @j-pping  @blahblahblah-boo  @his-mochi-cheeks  @amyeonzing@littleflowercrown13  @baekinmylife  @insta1010  @nana-banana  @f4ncyvelvet@bbhbeth  @totallynerdstuff  @byunbabybaek @maijinki @bbyunz@theclawofaraven @kingkushdealer  @uhobob

[chessieshire]

Processing my thoughts here.

I've been rewatching Cas and Dean scenes and moments where I know they talk about each other to analyze their reactions. Why? Because I wanted to assess for myself how I think Dean feels about Cas. I like to think I have pretty good intuition or so I've been told throughout my life. Track record of it is pretty good with the results.

When you grow up walking on eggshells having to assess people's behavior and emotions in order to protect yourself and others it becomes a necessary survival skill.

So what do I think so far? Ok so Dean is definitely bi so let's get that out of the way.

I personally think Dean has been subconsciously attracted to Cas and has felt love for him as a best friend or brother up until season 12 when I believe Dean actually fell in deep love with Cas.

I believe the moment Dean fell in love with Cas was when Cas killed Billy to save the 3 of them and then says he doesn't care if he loses his own life as a consequence.

I think before that moment Dean really did feel dead inside from being locked up in solitude for almost 2 months. Then when Cas made that huge risk to his own life to save theirs I believe it brought Dean's emotions back to life. Like a cosmic jumpstart.

Obviously Dean's an emotionally suppressed dum dum (I am too it takes one to know one) that he wasn't aware of falling in love with Cas he was just reacting to his frustrations, confusions, and concern for Cas and the "cosmic consequences". Hence the marital bickering in the next episode.

I believe that Dean started to realize he was in love with Cas when he almost died by the poisonous/venomous lance. When Cas said he loves him looking at Dean and loves them all. Dean started to realize he loved him romantically as he almost lost him again but probably still didn't "get" what kind of love Cas meant towards him.

Then Dean's dealing with too much confusion about it. He was so upset with Cas leaving and not responding to his messages it triggered his abandonment issues while Mary was also "needing space" at the same time that made those triggers worse. He had told Cas previously that he's his and Sam's best friend and brother (probably to observe his reaction to that to get a hint of how Cas felt) but he's obtuse so he probably felt like Cas loved him like a bro.

Not to mention season 7 when Dean is telling Kevin that he doesn't believe angels have the equipment to care and when they try they breakdown.

So I can see how it never occurred to him about Cas being in love with him and why he'd continue to suppress his own emotions and try distracting them with countless women. Despite cutting down on the sexual conquests in the last few seasons because they probably didn't work much anymore as a distraction and he got a piece of the void filled with merely Cas's friendship.

Edited to add: (oh shit how could I forget to point out?! So the last time Dean canonically had sex was season 12 episode 18 while Cas was missing and Dean was extremely upset with him. Dean was trying to distract his feelings about Cas and it no longer worked in my opinion. He looked more distracted than usual and when he told Sam how his night was he had to say awesome 3 times like he was trying to convince himself. Hence the last time he sleeps with a woman. From this point on Dean doesn't have anymore one night stands. ...carry on...)

Without a doubt Dean was unsure if angels in general could actually fall in love and felt like it was less painful to not pursue a romantic relationship due to the job and how either one of them could die for any reason.

If Cas had been human and there were no more monsters and demons and supernatural shit to hurt and kill people I'm confident that they would've been hooking up. It would've ruled out the complicated job risks and made clear that Cas is capable of feeling romantic love for somebody.

The times that Dean was actually angry at Cas and not "pretend angry but actually worried" were because he was offended that Cas didn't trust him and that Cas took off without an explanation or response. It just added to Dean's fears of Cas being incapable of feeling true love for him because he's an angel.

When Dean prayed to Cas in season 15 I think he was going to finally confess he loved him. But time was of the essence. As it always is and then they never get a moment after that to really talk to each other until Cas confessed his love.

Edit: Can I check this one off?! Because it really does sound like Dean says, "I...(breathy pause) I-love...(huff pause) you-don't know why I get so angry." *thinks* Yeahhhh it counts dammit! ✅

The episode after Dean's confession is Garth showing him being with someone is possible with their complicated backgrounds and jobs and he dances with a lamp and blows it a kiss. Whether or not the lamp really is a stand in for Cas it definitely is a representation of something or someone Dean truly wants.

He yearns for sharing love with someone.

Edit: Can I sorta check this one off? Ehhhh...maybe??? The guy that plays Garth (sorry I don't want to misspell the actor's name) stated that there was hidden subtext for romantic love with Dean and another character. He didn't say the subtext was "lamp" though since he thought this scene was meant to be fun...but...I think maybe it still could be if he was unaware of it. Since I'm hearing the dance choreographer says there's deeper meaning.

In season 11 Dean asked Jesse and his husband Cesar about what was it like settling down with a hunter. He was thinking about it! He wanted to know not only for Sam but for himself as well! He asked a GAY COUPLE which clues me in on maybe because they made him think of him and Cas. Maybe subconsciously anyway.

Dean never gets the opportunity to express how he truly feels other than anger, forgiveness, and brotherly love towards people and that's some toxic masculinity bullshit!

When Cas left to the Empty Dean was completely breaking down not just because he lost Cas but because he felt he lost his only chance at a happy life with a significant other who understands him.

And then the next episodes made no fucking sense. Read a bit like "oh well now I'm relieved I didn't have to confess my deep love for a dude and can move on! Mmmmmm...pie!"

(my phone autocorrected to "mmmmmm... Pierre" and I was like 👀 even my phone's like Dean is bi and looking for a french dude to take his mind off Cas lolll)

So to summarize...Dean Winchester loves Castiel and the last 2 episodes is some outrageous bullshit and I'll never get over it unless by some miracle Jensen obtains the rights to the show and fixes it!

[tedturneriscrazy]

Another Saturday, another episode! Let's take a look at Keeping Up A-fear-ances!

(Good lord I'm starting to make myself sound like some sort of content creator)

Oh, okay, we're just starting at that level of intensity, huh?

Chest gem origins

Gwendolyn not being satisfied with managing the curse and determined to cure it? I'm sure this won't be a real world allegory in the slightest.

Oh, so Eda literally just stumbles upon the portal? I could call that contrived, but honestly it's not dissimilar to how Dipper found Journal 3. For that matter, the entirety of Lord of the Rings is predicated on an accidental discovery like this and nobody gave Tolkien shit about it.

Was the eye on the portal cracked in previous episodes? I don't remember.

Seems like Gwen is the "well-meaning but ultimately misguided" flavor of mom.

As an aside, I am now quite curious about how Eda's first trip to the human realm went. Maybe a future episode will cover it? At any rate, I smell a new favorite fic prompt.

The screaming alarms in the Demon Realm will never not be funny to me.

Also, that is a worrying number of hearts. Eda is straight up murdering these poor creatures.

For some reason the gold fang being removable never occurred to me as a possibility, and now I feel like a kid who's discovered that Santa isn't real.

Oh hey, the new outfit! I'm also impressed how close to symmetrical that tearing was.

I need to get a screencap of Luz sleeping on that stack of books because she is adorable.

Also, staying up all night researching? This season seems determined to completely eradicate the notion of Luz being dumb, and I am here for it.

I have a feeling the Hexside mug will be making its way to The Mystery Shack in the near future.

Lilith's first experience with transformation and she seems understandably horrified.

The curse acting stronger when stressed? That seems...important.

Ah, so the dismemberment is from the curse! A surprisingly useful side effect from what we've seen so far.

Can I just say that I appreciate how Eda's reaction to Lilith's first taste of transformation is immediate remedy, explanation, and reassurance? And doesn't make any snarky comments along the lines of "now you know what it's like?" Whatever happened in that week and a half must have been cathartic as hell.

"Always. Always curious." Luz is the TOH fandom.

(Also, Eda, you know she is, considering how much she went on about your "mysterious past" at the Covention)

"Magic bird tornado?!" Luz has a way with words that's just *chef's kiss*.

"Gwendolyn." Eda is already just fucking done.

"MOM?!?!" Jeez, Lilith, you're just now hearing all this?

I was charmed by how motherly Gwen was acting toward Eda, but then she kinda just...dismissed Lilith, and now I'm somehwat less charmed.

(Sweet flea as a term of endearment is kinda cute, though might have some unfortunate implications depending on how you want to interpret it)

"Who knows what they put in those nasty concoctions?" OH WE GOING FOR THE ANTI-VAXXERS NOW YESSSS

Luz and Lilith's reaction to that whole exchange is priceless.

Everyone's perspective here makes perfect sense for who they are and what they've been through.

Poor Lilith. Her cursing Eda is beginning to make more sense.

Ah, thus begins the collaboration.

"We'll be consulting someone very special." Why does that seem so...ominous?

Is there anyone who watched this episode for the first time whose bullshit detector didn't go off immediately when Gwen mentioned finding someone who promised a cure?

Heh, Palm Stings.

Nonbelievers will be blinded by the power of the tome? I'm sure they will be, Wartlop.

I must say, as something of a scientist myself (okay that's not true, I'm a QA tech for a food manufacturer, but I do have a chemistry degree), I am 100% here for the swings being taken at faith healing/"miracle" cures/anti-vaxxers in this episode

Oh, we Wile E. Coyote now, huh?

Also, interesting how much apple blood is being played up in this episode.

Lilith please you're projecting your mommy issues on a literal child

OH WE REALLY JUST WILE E. COYOTE HUH?

You're right, Luz, Gwen's bicep game is goals.

(Somewhat disappointed the scars are from questing and not beastkeeping, but eh)

Why do I get the feeling there's gonna be a future episode where everybody stages an intervention for Eda's apple blood problem?

"Those feathers mean we're driving the beast out" Gwen no

Hooty is holding the brain cell? Oh no...

If that ice cream came from the Night Market it would explain why Lilith sounds drunk.

(Side note: I can't be the only one getting flashbacks to Mermista's ice cream binge, right? Different context, but still)

"Abomi-berry" "Franken fruit" "Key slime pie" These are A+ flavor names.

Oh, there's the transformation...

I must say that whole segment kinda rubbed me the wrong way. The way King's opinion on his dad was changed seemed...I don't know how to describe it. I get that they needed a trigger for Lilith's transformation, but honestly if any part of the episode is contrived it's this.

"¡It really is that good!" So that's what an accent slip in written form looks like. (The upside down exclamation point is used in Spanish, in case anyone didn't know)

I keep half expecting Eda to say "Beep! Beep!" at this point.

Luz is finally asking questions. Took long enough.

Ah, the classic "moving the goal posts to extract more money from a desparate family member" technique.

Luz channeling Scorpion, we love to see it.

There is an exquisite irony in Eda's mom being scammed, I must say.

Ah, so that's where the elixirs went. Dammit, Gwen.

Luz is definitely thinking "Are you fucking kidding me right now?!"

Beast!Lilith is massive.

"Sweet flea?" Gwen just realized she done goofed.

"I can see you still need a little time." God Luz is so fucking smart.

The con revealed.

OH DAMN SCARY MAMA

(Also I am terrified of bees/wasps, so extra scary mama in my book)

The scam is revealed, goblins, getting back into the Wartlop disguise is kinda pointless.

She joined the Beast Keeping coven entirely to cure the curse? That's dedication. A shame you couldn't have spared some of that for Lilith.

Still, I do like badass scary mama Gwen. I'd be down to see more of that.

Owl Beast fight!

I am slayed by the fact that the portraits are now officially a recurring gag 😂

Aw, here's The Moment™️

"My turn to drive" Does this imply cars are a thing on the Boiling Isles after all?

Lilith crying almost immediately💔 She was holding onto a lot of pain.

Yes, King, she was trying to do her best. I mean, road to hell or whatever, but at least Gwen got there in the end.

WHAT?! YOU'RE BREAKING UP LULU AND HOOTCIFER?!?!?!?

Terrace, that's just cruel. (Worthless brownie points for whoever understands that reference)

No, seriously, you can't just give me my favorite inter-character relationship in the series after Lumity and just...take it away like that, come on! 😭😭😭😭😭😭

I know I should remark on how Lilith told Gwen about the circumstances of the curse, how Gwen rightfully accepted responsibility for the whole situation, and how Luz finds the big hair aspirational, but...NOOOO DON'T END THE ADVENTURES OF LULU AND HOOTCIFER WHYYYYYYYYY💔😭💔😭💔😭

"BUT I CAN'T HOLD A PEN!"

I will never emotionally recover from this.

Okay, I think I got that out of my system. Anyway...

Not the only human, huh? Cue the "Belos is a human" theorists going into maximum overdrive.

That said, a tantalizing lore dump.

We certainly do have a lot of garbage. Some of it even holds office. HEY-O!

Setting up the next episode, too. Continuity!

Camp's over, huh? That means it's been three months.

Way to misdirect with Camila, guys. That said, we have now seen Camila cry and I HATE it. (In the right way, I think)

WHAT THE FUCK

HOLY SHIT

CREEPY LUZ IS REAL WHAT

OWJEIWHQGIWWOPQ

(It's hard to keysmash on a phone, even with autocorrect off)

That wraps it up! The flaws in this episode seem more pronounced than any others in the season so far, but the good stuff was really good! Overall a solid episode! I know everybody's looking forward to library Lumity in the next one (so am I), but I'm personally eager to see what they do with Gus. His part is the A plot, after all.

Anyway, I'll be back at this next week! Still hard to believe this is a thing, but that's life, I guess.

[watchingspnagain]

Rewatching The Usual Suspects

Welcome to “Red Rum and Pea Soup: A Supernatural Rewatch Blog” with Lor and Mace!

 Up today, s2e7: The Usual Suspects

  "Our boys get in trouble with the law over the brutal death of a married couple after Dean is found kneeling over the bloody body of the wife (rookie mistake, but we'll let it slide because, well, Dean). They're questioned separately but still manage to communicate with each other and between the two of them they figure out where Sam needs to go next. He jailbreaks his way out a window, and one of the detectives (played by Linda Blair) has a close encounter with a dead woman, catches up with Sam, and helps him solve the restless dead-y mystery. As it turns out, there's also a not-so-supernatural twist, which leads to Dean being in even more trouble, until Linda and Sam come to save him. Then the boys are let loose, since the detective has now SEEN THINGS and understands they're hunters and not serial killers. There are Exorcist references and a walk off into the sunset."

 Below is a log of our real-time reactions as we watched. Remember that there may be spoilers for any part of SPN’s 15-season run here. Note also that the nature of our conversation is adult and thus it may contain adult language and themes.

 [and we begin:]

 Lor:

omg a fax machine

 Mace:

 snork!

Lor:

aaaaaa that turn and look over the shoulder

 Mace:

 Ha! yep

 Lor:

this episode makes me so nervous bc real life/cop peril, but I also LOVE IT

 Mace:

 oh SAM - his face when she mentions the fire

 Lor:

i love these ones where they charm other people into being on their side

 Lor:

YES

 Mace:

oh yeah these cop episodes make me more nervous than any others, but I'm not sure I love it

 Mace:

 I love her voice

 Lor:

YES

 Mace:

 "It's not your fault Dean's your brother" welp, that's not gonna help you, lady

 Lor:

RIGHT?

 Lor:

like, this line is not gonna go anywhere

 Mace:

 YUP

 Lor:

neeeewspaper. pen in mouth

 Lor:

I'll just be over here

 Mace:

 HAHAHA

 Lor:

the way Sam just makes this up. and how his story is intercut with what they were really doing

 Mace:

yep

 Mace:

 Dean, simmer down

 Lor:

Sam's little head gesture at Dean!

 Mace:

 YES

 Lor:

"our company's very thorough"

 Lor:

oh Dean

 Mace:

 he's...not great at this

 Lor:

when the charm stops working he's just lost

 Mace:

 SNORK! That's it exactly!

 Lor:

you can just see him going "but... cute?"

 Mace:

 HAHAHAHA

 Lor:

oh! it's gonna be one of my favorite gifs in a minute

 Mace:

 OOOOO

 Lor:

awww he's bored

 Lor:

and being a brat

 Lor:

THERE IT IS

 Mace:

and adorable brat

 Mace:

 THERE IT IS

 Lor:

YAAAAS

 Lor:

yes, taking your glasses off will help

 Mace:

 well she's got to get the tear schmutz off

 Lor:

ah indeed

 Mace:

 it's a real problem

 Lor:

those teach schmutz ghosts are the WORST

 Mace:

 TEACH SCHMUTZ GHOSTS

 Lor:

dammit

 Mace:

 my new favorite phrase!

 Lor:

Sven, go home [Mace has named her autocorrect Sven]

 Lor:

lolololololol

 Mace:

 don't put this on Sven - it's all you

 Lor:

hmph

 Lor:

but... cute?

 Mace:

HAAAAAHAHAHAHA YES

 Mace:

 always

 Lor:

squish

 Lor:

boy he really did get wrong place wrong timed here

 Mace:

he sure did

 Mace:

 dude don't touch the body like that, Dean

 Lor:

yeeeah, they are NOT good at not contaminating scenes

 Mace:

 he's very good at the SHITSHITSHITSHIT face

 Lor:

YES

 Mace:

 "this Dean guy" get his sweet name out of your mouth, ass!

 Lor:

CORRECT

 Lor:

"stew in their juices" oooh they do not know the Winchester Boys

 Mace:

 the two of them working through the puzzle separately I LOVE IT

 Lor:

YES

 Lor:

HAND FRECKLES

 Mace:

 I need Dean to make a reference to how the woman looks a lot like the exorcist girl because Dean would FLIP over meeting her

 Lor:

the way he shoots the notebook across the table at him

 Lor:

he WOULD

 Mace:

 YES

 Lor:

omg they both call him Matlock

 Mace:

 YES

 Lor:

children raised by television in the 80s and 90s

 Mace:

 Ha! yep

 Lor:

omg DEEEEEAN

 Mace:

HAHAHAHA

 Mace:

 he thinks he's adorable

 Lor:

HE DOES

 Mace:

 that was a CHIPS reference!

 Lor:

YES

 Lor:

haaaaa SAM

 Mace:

oh look, Dean gets slammed against the wall by TWO MEN

 Mace:

 IN A ROW

 Lor:

I LOVE when one of them just DISAPPEARS

 Lor:

HE SURE DOES

 Mace:

 YES

 Lor:

does that EVER happen to Sam?

 Mace:

 I don't remember but I can't really think of a time

 Lor:

and I LOVE that the note not only tells Sam the anagram but alos tells him to escape. implying that Sam could have left at any time

 Lor:

I don't remember one either

 Mace:

 YES

 Lor:

god he's SUCH a little shit I LOVE HIM

 Mace:

 YES

 Lor:

I love that Dean notices her wrists

 Mace:

 YES

 Lor:

"let's skip that part, shall we?" YES DEAN I'LL SKIP IT WHAT DO YOU NEED

 Mace:

 HAHAHAHA

 Lor:

mmmm gentle giant sammy

 Mace:

that shirt on Sam...

 Mace:

 SIGH

 Lor:

YES

 Lor:

THE SNAPS

 Mace:

 YAAASSS

 Lor:

"you can arrest me later, all right?"

 Mace:

 nnnngggg

 Lor:

lolol YES

 Lor:

his sheepish little head tilt mrrrrg

 Mace:

 YAS

 Lor:

"of course it is"

 Lor:

I love her too

 Mace:

HAHAHA

 Mace:

 YES

 Lor:

this episode is such a good story. nicely plotted

 Mace:

 agreed

 Lor:

"no not that" hahahahaha

 Mace:

 snork!

 Lor:

I love when Sam's hair gets even longer, but this length with the little curl flips in the back is also JUST FINE

 Mace:

 omg YES I love it

 Lor:

is this... the episode where Sam and Dean have the fewest scenes together?

 Mace:

 seems like that might be right

 Lor:

it just occurred to me bc there's a lot of intercutting at the beginning, but they've barely been together yet

 Mace:

 yeah

 Lor:

"this can't be good"

 Mace:

 HA

 Lor:

SAMMY SO SMART

 Mace:

 YES

 Lor:

Dean, skips right over "too much coffee" and goes straight to "prostate"

 Mace:

 HA yep

 Lor:

"or maybe you do"

 Mace:

 Dean's little nod to Sam

 Lor:

YES

 Mace:

 "this Dean kid"

 Lor:

"this Dean kid" "just one more dumb scumbag" I WILL COME FOR YOU PETE

 Mace:

HAHAHAHA YES

 Mace:

Sam asking if she's okay

 Mace:

 sweetheart

 Lor:

YES

 Lor:

Dean's little hand gestures like he's doing a mental map of how to get there

 Mace:

 THERE IT IS

 Lor:

THERE IT IS.

 Lor:

LOLLOLOL

 Mace:

 PEA SOUP HAHAHAHA

 Lor:

YAS

[sartorialadventure]

yes, sorry, Natalie - autocorrect XD

lol I wondered!

I went for a longer chunk of scene this time:

"Lemonade would be great." Natalie stepped out onto the deck and closed the door behind her--then froze.

There was a man on the deck--and not Faolan, Natalie had met him. This one was fair-skinned, redheaded, tall--and well-built. Natalie had no trouble determining that, as he was also shirtless, sprawled on a reclining deck chair with his arms crossed behind his head, apparently asleep.

Natalie silently nipped back in the kitchen and quickly shut the door behind her.

Hulda looked up. "What's wrong?"

Natalie was wide-eyed. "There's--a man on your deck," she said in a slightly strangled tone.

"A man on my...?" Hulda went to the door and looked outside. "Oh. Hang on a sec." She went back to the fridge and grabbed a cold bottle of water and held up a finger to her lips. Quietly she crossed the deck, unscrewing the bottlecap, and unceremoniously poured the contents of the bottle over the sleeping man, who erupted into wakefulness with a yell.

"DAMmit, Hulda!" He made a grab for her, which she nimbly eluded, laughing. The man shook the water off his curly head like a dog, spraying droplets everywhere.

Hulda was near breathless, laughing hilariously—Natalie had never seen the High Lady quite like that. "Zoey, Zoey, wait," she said as the stranger grabbed her around the waist and started to lift her up. "We have a guest, put me down!"

He looked around suddenly. "We do?"

"Natalie," Hulda was still giggling, "this is my brother, Zohar. Go put some clothes on, Zo, she'll think we're nudists or something." Natalie gave a small smile and raised a hand in greeting.

"Your new apprentice!” Zohar dropped his sister with little ceremony. “Hey... Natalie, was it?" Hands up, he squeezed past her in the doorway, a grin on his face. "Sorry, I'll just... be right back."

Hulda went back into the kitchen and grabbed the pitcher of lemonade and a couple of glasses. "Sorry if he startled you. He's like a free-range chicken, I never know where he's going to show up."

[thedevilsmemes]

THINGS AUTOCORRECT THINKS WE SAY ~ A SENTENCE MEME

“Crossing my fingerpies for you!”

“Cat farmsticks are the worst.”

“That's it. I'm colouring my hairbread”

{ covers ___ with a blanket monster and fluffs some pillows. }

“I was like, oh what a nice, happy, giraffe!”

“...that still tells me literally nothing. What are monkey buttonholes?”

“you have good tv at the pantyhose”

“What a buttcrack pirate”

“I’m reading in an attempt to fall asleep Schwarzenegger “

“The end gets loud,  so protect your corncobs!!”

“Ben & Jefferson is good that way”

“And to think it would have just EBBED AWAY THERACLES!!”

“At least they’ll be out of your pitthair stache now!”

“Idk, man. But it made me smile graph”

“Oh no...im sorry, haggle damn”

“You feeling any better, Tadpole?”

“The dryer wouldn't cry my sheets or blanket”

“Just used Doordarshan for the first time. Holy fees y'all”

“Thank you for those wise words, Salem Sabermuffin.”

“Cedric Cullen was killed By Lord fluffyfuster.”

“I still never took photos of my stones or my intense self”

“I can’t really do incense dadly”

“I think elastic has fallen asleep”

“My sisters both LOVE pinterest...I just never got into it. Or til tok”

“Going dammit automatically”

“But also, hi, hello, I started watching war and peace with Tupperware and Lillehammer last night”

“Oh my gestational donkeybear!”

“Can my computer timbuktu boot up faster”

“the machine gun was wild tho”

“Narwal doesn't taste like razzmatazz,  everyone knows that”

“Just dropping anger home first”

“Need to get my stuff orga used as well”

“It is thunderbooming but it's also sunny so I wonder where the rainbow waterfall is.”

“Or maybe I just like he's actually a decent guy with a Segway”

“I'm Judy on lunch now”

“I'm getting wasted. I haven't even eaten tonight.”

“I do try to eat Spanish to be honest.”

“I munching my linner haha”

“Yeah he beat donor I fear for his neck haha”

“Hand-me-downs boy.”

“You need to find humps in situations or what the hell are you living for.”

“Is he flexing those useless?”

“I want to watch some Dexterity”

“J still need to do urine fuck”

“____ got testicle eaten once.”

[crystalrose555]

Slap me, I dare you! pt.9

“Son of a...making me run...” Marley huffed out as she continued to rush through the halls.

She spent so much of her magic repeating her wind spell, she could feel her lungs turning to lead with each gasp of air. Cursing herself, she remembered how Solomon lectured her on pacing but she had no time to consider it as she glanced over her shoulder. The demonic herd had thinned a considerate amount but that only deepened her paranoia. Did they actually give up or were they plotting something? She didn’t have time to consider as she continued to bolt through the corridors, narrowly avoiding bystanders as she left them behind in the dust.

Unfortunately, her journey was coming to an end as the only thing at the end of the hallway was a large window. She cursed out loud as the sound of stomping boots filled her ears. As she ran towards it, her body felt heavier and heavier while her joints stiffened. She was tired but this feeling was foreign as if it was casted upon her suddenly. Taking a quick glance, her eyes widened as she saw students popping out of adjacent classrooms with their hands glowing light purple. “These fuckers are cursing me!? Over a picture!?” She shrieked out in shock and awe which quickly turned to anger and frustration.

Feeling herself slowing down, Marley pushed her muscles harder as she repeated the wind spell again in an attempt to neutralize the hexes on her. Seeing how her window of escape was literally closed, Marley pulled off her veil and wrapped her arm in it. She gritted her teeth and growled. “All right, you asked for this!” She yelled as she lunged with all her strength.

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“Dammit...which way did she go!?” Levi screamed out.

“How should I know? The mob split up in all kinds of directions!” Mammon retaliated.

“They’re probably trying to trap her, we should split up in pairs and spread out.” Satan concluded.

Asmo and Satan took one hallway while the twins zoomed down another, leaving Mammon and Levi the main corridor. The second eldest ran in spurts only stopping to glance in potential hiding spaces while the third struggled to remain standing, dripping in his hard earned sweat.

“Damn it, Levi, go pass out somewhere! You’re slowing me down!”

“Not...a...chance, need to...save...” Was all that Levi could muster out before he collapsed in the hallway.

Mammon came to a screeching halt as he double-back to his exhausted sibling. He cursed out loud as he tried to pull his out of shape brother to his feet.

“Come on, ya useless jellyfish, if you’re gonna help, then get off the damn floor!” He hissed out as Levi gave no assistance.

“I...can’t....bones...broken...lungs...shattered...”

“Ya bootless son of a b-”

“Care to finish that phrase, Mammon?”

Mammon felt his spine stiffen before it curled up inside of him. He slowly turned his head to see a towering Lucifer with his arms crossed and a darkened aura surrounding him. Mammon swallowed hard as he managed to get Levi to lean on his shoulder as he turned around to face the eldest with judging eyes.

“Lucifer, my man, I didn’t see you there~” He claimed coyly.

“Want to explain to me why Levi is obstructing the hallway with his exhausted body?” “Well, ya see-”

The distant sound of glass shattering cut Mammon’s explanation short as the three eldest instinctively looked in its direction before bolting towards the source.

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Diavolo sighed as he walked along the edge of the inner courtyard. He managed to convince Barbatos to give him a break but he couldn’t find anything fun to do which left him in a current state of boredom. Earlier he heard the sounds of students running in the hallways and wanted to join in but Lucifer gave him a strict reminder of how it would look if he was involved in such mischief. Diavolo pouted as he thought of all the fun he was missing out on. His image was important and his goals were absolute but it didn’t mean he had to be deprived of simple pleasures.

“Maybe I should message Levi, he might know where Marley is.” He muttered to himself as he pulled out his phone.

As his fingers tapped away, the sound of shattering glass caused him to misspell Marley which autocorrected to Mochi in the sudden action. He turned his head to see someone dressed in white crashing out the second story window. It took a sliver of a second but that was enough for Diavolo to drop his phone and catch them before his D.D.D. hit the ground. Shielding them from the remaining glass shards raining from above, Diavolo got a good look at them, realizing who he was holding in his arms.

“Marley!?” He yelped out as he stood tall, shaking shards of glass off his shoulders and hair.

Diavolo stared at her exhausted body dusted in glass shards as minor cuts littered her body. Marley’s chest, glistening from sweat, magic residue and glass dust, heaved up and down as her eyes fluttered with each inhale. She lifted her arm, covered in a white cloth with splotches of red, and grabbed Diavolo’s tie. From there, she pulled him closer to her so that he could hear her soft fading voice.

“Diavolo...” She whispered.

“You need to save your strength, Marley!” He frantically claimed.

“...listen...”

“W-What is it?”

“...I’m not paying for that fucking window...” And with that, Marley flopped unconscious in the prince’s arms with a groan, leaving him feeling a multitude of emotions, none of which were boredom.

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“You idiot! What was that?” “Hey don’t blame me! I casted my hex perfectly!”

“Then how did she launch herself out the window!?”

The ambushing student body argued amongst themselves, failing to realize that their quarry had landed in the arms of their prince. “Great, now we’ve lost her. I skipped class for nothing.” One sighed out with a handful of students agreeing with them.

“Send out a text, maybe one of the other groups got her.”

Nodding in agreement, the students pulled out their D.D.D.s and began tapping away on their screens, looking for any mention of the mystery woman. However, one of them stopped suddenly as a cold chill crawled up their spine.

“H-Hey, does anyone else feel a chill?” They whimpered out.

Slowly, one by one, the students turned their gazes to a smiling Lucifer whose wings spread out ominously, his horns casting a large shadow as the light behind him fought for control of the darkness radiating from him. Seeing the angered eldest brother, a few of the students backed away in fear and instinct, only to be shocked by the purple electric barrier behind them.

“We wouldn’t want anyone else going out the window, now do we?” Lucifer cooed with a sadistic gleam in his eyes.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“There we go, that is the last of the glass, my lord.” Barbatos claimed as he placed his tweezers to the side.

“Thank you, Barbatos, I wasn’t sure I could get all of it myself.” Diavolo chuckled out as his eyes trailed to Marley who laid upon his lounge couch.

There she was, covered in bandages, sleeping and snoring without a care. Her legs spread out with one hanging off the edge, leaving little to no modesty for the crowned prince and his butler.

“She must be exhausted, I don’t think there’s anything that could wake her up.” Diavolo mentioned.

“Considering the amount of hexes and spells casted upon her, I’m not surprised.” Barbatos answered as he stood up and dust himself off.

Just then, a knock rattled Diavolo’s office door which opened to reveal a calm Lucifer.

“Lord Diavolo, it’s time for the assembly in the Colosseum.” He claimed.

Diavolo’s expression soured slightly.

“Do I have to be there? Surely, you can handle it, Lucifer.” “I’d rather not, I’m going to be busy disciplining the hex majors involved with the incident. And you must address the entire student body so that this doesn’t happen again. I would prefer if we don’t have a reason for Marley to launch herself out another window.”

Lucifer’s eye was drawn to the couch as Marley gave a small snort before turning away from the demons. The eldest just sighed but he wasn’t sure if it was from relief or frustration. Either way, he would have to figure out an appropriate punishment for the runaway seal, especially after all the ruckus she made in the public eye again. Diavolo, on the other hand, glanced at the sleeping woman before giving a sigh. “You’re right. Barbatos, will you prepare for my arrival in the Colosseum. I need a moment.” Diavolo asked as Lucifer exited the office.

Barbatos gave a bow before chuckling a bit underneath his breath, which piqued Diavolo’s interest.

“What is it?”

Barbatos gave a slight head shake with a smile.

“I can assure you that Marley will be fine in your office. I don’t see anyone else entering this room besides you and those who work directly with you.” Diavolo paused for a moment before taking off his jacket to cover Marley with it. He then turned to his butler with a wide smile that left Barbatos in a state of confusion.

“Sir?” “It’s important to show the students of RAD that I care about their well being, right?” He grinned as he rolled up his sleeves.

Barbatos just sighed.

[vodkassassin]

Draco elfling? LOL it really wanted to autocorrect that to elf king

Lmao he wishes!!

Snippet: Draco elfling WIP

He’s absolutely tiny, his hair is short again, and he’s got no bloody clue where the hell he is.

Draco brushes dirt off his shins for possibly the twelfth time today, and scrambles as best he can up the side of a knobbly old fir tree to avoid the giant maneating spider that’s well the size of a fully grown skrewt, and finally begins to ask himself, why? Why him? What has he done to deserve this? He’d repented all his sins already, made peace with his enemies! Harry J. bloody Potter himself had said “Draco, I forgive you,” insomany words, so why can’t Draco catch a break?

He clings to a branch that hangs a bit lower than he really cares for, and prays to any higher power that will listen to save him, dammit, please, he will do so much better in life if he’s just saved, right now, saved and kept safe and not in danger of being turned into a corpse mummified by overly large webbing.

He will listen to whatever his mother says. He will hand write apology cards for every single person he’s ever wronged in his life. He will buy Daphne a new vase to replace the one he’d accidentally smashed the last visit over, so she’ll start talking to her sister again, because merlin but Astoria is so difficult to deal with when she’s moping. But Draco will fix it! He will! He’ll go out and— and he shall will each and every Malfoy property to charity, is what he’ll do!

Or just bloody well and give them over, post haste. No need to bring wills and death rites into it, because Draco is still very much alive—

He yelps, internally wincing at the squeaky, childlike little voice he’s been cursed with along with this useless, teeny little body, and reaches up to grasp wildly around for a more stable hold when the branch he’s clinging to starts to creak ominously. Come on! He’s not that heavy! This tree is lousy, how can this tiny baby body be enough to break that branch? It’s thicker around than he is currently tall!!

It cracks, and Draco has just enough time to lunge for the branch above it, hissing as the broken one gouges a jagged scrape down his side. Fresh blood springs up from the previously unmarked pearlescent flesh, and Draco really just wants to cry.

It hurts, dammit! And he’s little! He looks like a Merlin-damn child, he’s got the magic-given right to bloody well act like one, doesn’t he?

Long, hairy legs hiss and chitter right by him, somewhere along the trees. They brush right by his bangs, and he can hear it echoing in from all around him. This is so much worse than the Acromatula in the Forbidden Forest. Draco at least knows how to deal with those. No, these things are five times bigger and spit poison, no thank you, not at all!

Draco presses his forehead into the piney bark and sniffles. He scrunches his eyes shut, and he can feel the slow, menacing approach of the demon from the seventh level of hell, all however-many of its eyes aimed right at his back. There’s a click, craaack of its mandibles opening and shutting with a snap, ready to devour him, and all Draco can think about is what the hell would Harry do?

Turn around and stab it with its own tooth, as he bloody well did, at twelve. Draco’s is, what—this body can’t be older than five? What’s he going to do? Let the thing chomp on him just to get a weapon from its own hide? No thanks. Kudos to Harry Potter but Draco is different.

The spider closes in on him and Draco just ups and lets go of the tree branch, because why the hell not? He’s about to die anyway, might as well make it by his own terms.

He falls for what feels like forever, though he knows he can’t have climbed up that high what with his bitty little limbs being no longer than his own Merlin-damn wand—where was that useless shaft of wood, anyway?—and the wind and twigs whip by his face and leave marks as he descends. He hits another branch on the way down, somehow, which knocks the wind out of him, and Draco’s still working on trying to get his lungs to work again when a final branch scoops him right out of the air and makes off with him like a thief in the night.

They’ve run for a good two minutes before Draco finally wraps his head around the fact that trees don’t have arms and cannot, in fact, grab things even if they wanted to. He whips his head up to get a look at his captor, which is a miserable mistakes because it aggravates the large, dripping gash that runs along his side and is absolutely coated with half-crusted blood. Draco lets out a strangled whine, and curls back inward on it, hissing out another wordless cry when he sees all the red that marrs his previously white—not clean, but not a horror scene either— t-shirt.

A large hand firmly but gently angles his head into a rock-solid chest. Draco can hear a steady heartbeat under his ear despite the fact that they’re definitely not running anywhere under twenty miles an hour.

“Hush, little one. You will be safe soon.”

Draco sinks his teeth into his bottom lips and decides against complaining, as he’d been doing nothing but since waking up. This is rather what he’d been praying for, isn’t it? Perhaps a tad bit late, but… he can deal. He’ll find a way to deal.

[akindofmagictoo]

i am very offended that my autocorrect does not recognise “swordswoman” and “swordswomen” as words. and yet it’s perfectly fine with “swordsman” 

(well, no. i think it’s now okay with the former, but that’s because i took offence and taught it that this is a word, dammit) 

i have now taught it that swordswomen is a word