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eye-may · 8 months ago

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A Post Where I Clumsily Trundle Through An Incoherent Web Of Thoughts On The Discrepancies Between OLC (Wayne Sleep) Mistoffelees and OBC (Timothy Scott) Mistoffelees, Specifically Regarding Their Vocal Tracks

I sit in a ✨rapt contemplation✨ of how much I do and don't think Mistoffelees should sing, based on the interpretation of the character I have scrunged together after two months' worth of obsessing over the subject, trying to make sense of the expansive history, and all the variations, of CATS. It doesn't help that, as far as I can tell, the most enigmatic (read: inconsistent as fuck, affectionately) fixture on the franchise is its own Conjuring Cat.

Read below the cut if you're at all interested in me trying to transliterate my thoughts! I promise you it will be confusing. ❤️

The gentle, vaguely mysterious way Mistoffelees sings "Have you been an alumnus of heaven or hell?" in the OLC recording is actually so beautiful and so personal to me. I could rationalize ad infinitum why it just makes sense for the inexplicably magical cat to have this line, but suffice to say: it just works. And of all the London-based productions in which I've heard this specific arrangement, my favorite delivery of that line still belongs to Sleep. His airy, almost pensive (?) inflection stands out so much from the rest of the cast, in a way that I think really befits the character.

Then he goes on to sing Jenny's number, again, with such conspicuous gentleness and sweetness. Everything he sings sounds almost like a lullaby, a trapping that works well for a song about a cat that lazes about and sleeps all day. it's a stark contrast to Munkustrap's operatic, romantic grandiosity. to say nothing of the fact that the Mr. Mistoffelees instrumental motif is what LEADS UP to the first line of that song; in my opinion, that's a vestigial indication of the original intention to have Mistoffelees narrate this part of the show.

When it's time for Old Deutoronomy to arrive, Mistoffelees opens up the lyrical announcement, again, with a voice that is soporific, melodic, gentle, sweet. He sounds youthful and unassuming, and yet is clearly a member of the tribe who is knowledgeable of its hierarchy and its history, and one who is so intimately trusted that its leadership bequeaths him the responsibility of making introductions, of musically guiding all and sundry through various beats and developments. I've heard others refer to this version of Mistoffelees as something of an 'assistant' to Munkustrap (shout out to this post, which singularly kept me from going insane while I tried to write this), a righthand cat as it were. I think later on, the closest we have to such an entity is Alonzo, the Secondary Protector; but this, in my opinion, is an incomparable archetype. Wayne Sleep's Mistoffelees is (I think) the most physically diminunitive version of the character there has ever been in a professional production. (Maybe except for Dane Wagner, whose actual height I cannot find anywhere on the internet, so jury's out). He doesn't cut the figure, per se, of a trusty backup during a violent altercation. Rather, his position on the community ladder is attributed to his acuity, which he conveys in his lilting, unaffected explanations. There's not exactly a pretense of showmanship, and Mistoffelees doesn't seem to come off esteemed as an entertainer. Rather, he's a member of the tribe who, although he's small and sweet-sounding...proverbially missable in a crowd...there's something about him that gives the rest of the tribe the impression that he's worth listening to. As much as, even, the tall and dignified Munkustrap, or the barely-hinged Rum Tum Tugger.

This Mistoffelees, despite all that, is not above casual comingling. He's not sanctimonious or high-flown...at least not if his adorably repulsed line delivery during Tugger's number is anything to go on.

I feel like when the roles were changed for Broadway (something something contracts something something principals), and Mistoffelees's narration was shuffled to the Mungoteazer number, the beat of Mistoffelees mistakenly attempting to lead the song and then getting chastised by Munkustrap was a cheeky nod to the original arrangement. In a metacontextual way, we DO expect Mistoffelees to sing Jenny's song. Even if you're not familiar with the OLC version, his motif still cues him in for it. Subsequently, it became his motif teasing his cue...only for him (and the audience) to realize that he was mistaken.

Obviously I have no way of knowing if that beat was, in fact, acted out in the original Broadway production with Timothy Scott (I suspect that it was not, and that Valentin Baraian was the trailblazer in the original Vienna run, and Lindsay Chambers's seemingly de-aged Mistoffelees in the early 90s further cemented the Woobie-fied awkward version of the character) but either way, this makes it so that the audience is acquainted with Munkustrap as a revered narrator, thitherto without much of an impression either way of how Mistoffelees is regarded by the rest of the cats.

In taking on the Puppet Show sequence, Mistoffelees's air of leadership and wisdom is abated, and filled in with an image of an eccentric showman. This isn't the least bolstered by Timothy Scott's cryptoid make-up, and his express desire to play Mistoffelees as bombastic and fascinating, rather than cute. His animation of piles of trash into dirigible puppets is the most ostentatious foreshadowing of his magic that there has ever been in any replica version; therefore, rather than the audience feeling as though Mistoffelees should be listened to, and that he's an unassuming and affable guide...they're given the impression that they should be mystified. Scott's Mistoffelees is replete with showmanship and grandiosity, in a more literal and traditional sense than Munkustrap or Tugger. He introduces himself before Tugger ever gets a chance to, resoundingly clapping himself on the back for his aptitude as a magician (the greatest magicians have something to learn...etc). In my opinion, this doesn't come off as egoism so much as it does a collateral feature of trained stage presence. He has bits. He's a professional.

Too much of a professional, even, to tease Tugger during the latter's number. I suppose the "bore" line is sung by Munkustrap and Alonzo at least, like it usually is in Broadway-based adaptions. In some productions, I think, Mistoffelees joins them for the delivery to form a trio. But, again, no way for me to know whether that's the case with Scott. I assume that he isn't just because it seems like his version of Mistoffelees is a touch too turgid to be bothered with Tugger at all.

The way he BANGS out Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer in the OBC recording...his voice and inflection so dynamic, using his magic to bolster his showmanship, to entertain, to be a storyteller...it feels very proper for the self-proclaimed magician to present his abilities with such aplomb. (He sings with equally stratospheric energy during Invitation, which Wayne Sleep did not sing in the OL version...and I almost feel like it's too high-energy and playful a tune for the 'gentle guiding' version of the character). He has none of Wayne Sleep's timidity. He is no longer gentle. He's hyper, florid, dynamic, and loud, singing in an unhesitating, playful baritone that takes on a growl during his most dramatic deliveries. Wayne Sleep's and Timothy Scott's versions of Mistoffelees seem almost incomparable.

I think about the characterization of Mistoffelees as vague and aloof, and, you would think there was nobody shyer. I could see that, yes, with Wayne Sleep's Mistoffelees; while he's seemingly comfortable with being the center of attention amid his group of friends, and while he's all too happy to come in clutch very flashily during the eleventh hour, he still gives the impression of softness that one could construe as timidity. He's able and willing to assist Munkustrap, to elucidate in front of a group, to be heard and seen, but it's not too difficult to imagine him reverting to a state of unassuming quietness in any other contexts. It may just be me, but I feel that two "Presto!"'s during his number are almost formative, or at least uncharacteristic and something you'd only hear in such an extenuating context. It's like watching the peaceful, wise mentor abruptly kick ass when the hour is nigh. Is Wayne Sleep...Trojan Horse Mistoffelees...?

Anyway. Timothy Scottfelees, on the other hand, is more difficult to brand as a supposedly avoidant and coy character. He can be aloof, maybe, if the magnitude of his specialness ends up making him truly peerless. But this is the version of the character often called the "consummate showman," and an evidently eager one at that. After dynamically spinning the Mungoteazer yarn, he then goes on to sing about himself for part of his own number, ironically delivering lyrics that are antithetical to the idea of their own subject conveying them. (This is partly why it's fucking stupid that Mistoffelees sings his entire ass own song in the 2019 movie but that's neither here nor there).

But I get it, again, with the contracts and the him needing to sing two songs to have a principal contract blah blah blah blah. I guess the director didn't want him to sing Gumbie Cat and Mungoteazer. I wonder why, if they had him perform the latter to get around casting two additional actors for the mischief twins (and instead had the psychic twins dress up as garbage), that they couldn't simply have him sing Old Deutoronomy like the OLC Mistoffelees did. Instead they initiated the tradition of having Tugger and Munkustrap duet it, when Tugger didn't need that extra singing credit to fit the criteria for a principal contract because he already sings his own number and also Mistoffelees's number. I know it makes sense for Tugger and Munk to be singing it if you subscribe, as seemingly most do, to the interpretation that the two of them are Deutoronomy's sons. But I don't think Mistoffelees's original part precludes that implication. I think it would be neat, even, for the three of them so sing it.

Tangentially, I cannot figure out why John Chester (OLC George) is credited in the studio recording for Old Deutoronomy. When I listen to it, it just sounds like Mistoffelees and Munkustrap alternating, and then the ensemble, and then Brian Blessed (Deut) singing his part. Maybe George is the one to escort him? (Weird that he would be given a track credit for that). Or maybe his voice sounds remarkably similar to either Sleep's or Shankley's and I'm just not able to discern when he is, in fact, singing.

I got all into these mental gymnastics because lately I've been bouncing between the two eras, trying to make sense of the directorial adjustments, and also trying to decide the implications for Mistoffelees's character and which tracks I prefer for him. Incidentally, it's wild to me how inconsistent and evolved the Mistoffelees character is in the grand scheme of CATS. He has a plethora of roles, personalities, and tracking variations the extent to which no other character compares. All of the cats have been interpreted and played differently, of course, depending on the company and the direction. But it seems to me like Mistoffelees is far and away the most varied.

All right. So these are my (barely) conclusive thoughts, formatted handily to mimic the inane back-and-forth constantly beleaguring my internal monologue. Buckle up for some unsolicited, worthless opinions!

Should Mistoffelees sing "The Pied Piper's Assistant," (Broadway), or "Have you been an alumnus of Heaven and Hell"? - The latter! No matter the character's vibe! The inexplicably magical and visually demon-coded character should have this line. It just ✨makes sense.✨

Gumbie Cat - I have grown rather fond, after listening to Wayne Sleep's version, of the idea that Mistoffelees sings this number. That is, however, in no small part due to how well Sleep's lullaby-ish voice works for the tune --- better than, I think, the deeper and more powerful registers you typically hear from Munkustraps. That being said, Mistoffelees singing this demystified him pretty quickly, and arguably ages him up just because you're given the impression that he's privy to, and comfortable with, the tribe's alumni, and furthermore is in a position to express his opinions this way. So all that being said, while I enjoy Wayne Sleep singing Gumbie, in the alternative blip of spacetime where I direct CATS, I'd go the typical route of having Munk sing it.

I think it may be interesting, though, to see a version where Munkustrap and Mistoffelees duet it; and this could be done in a way similar to the Munk/Misto combination for OLC Old Deutoronomy, but in a way where you don't get the impression that Mistoffelees is a peer to Munkustrap. The Broadway Revival seemed to restore bits of the OLC's impressing upon the idea that Mistoffelees is something of an Assistant Director to Munkustrap, just not by singing. (It's stuff like helping her out of her coat, pushing the mop off the stage, moving things around, etc). I really like the idea of Mistoffelees being an adolescent hopeful, sort of shadowing Munkustrap, bottomlessly eager to be helpful, and perhaps even being set up to lead the tribe one day.

All that, granted...I also do like the beat of him getting embarrassed. I could do without it, but I like how it contributes to the interpretation of the character as young and sometimes awkward. God I don't know. o(-<

"The Rum Tum Tugger is a TERRIBLE BORE!" - Mistoffelees should absolutely be the one to have this line. Primarily because it adds that extra vitriolic and playful layer to the supposed relationship between the two characters. And it is also, I think, funny to suggest that Mistoffelees, of all cats, is the one who is not impressed by such prurient behavior, because we see later that he's objectively more impressive and worthy of adulation. (Tugger would agree with me). I honestly think that part of the reason Terrence Mann had so little to contribute to the expansive "Tuggoffelees" discourse is because Mistoffelees wasn't the one to deliver this line in the OBC version. And, secondarily, I prefer a Mistoffelees that isn't peerless, and isn't immune to kiddish ribbing. I have my opinions about how this line should be delivered but that's frankly a whole other post.

Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer - I think we need the OBC version of this somewhere in the CATS ether, but modified. I agree with this post that is does create an issue where the foreshadowing of his magic is too conspicuous, to the point that it knocks the grandiosity of his Hero Moment down a notch when it's time for his big number. I war with this, however, because I love the idea of Mistoffelees using his magic to be an entertainer and a storyteller. I'd love to figure out some kind of synergistic version where Mistoffelees presents the legend of Mungoteazer in song, incorporating his magic, in a way that doesn't preclude the actual existence/presence of Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer. I saw a post floating around recently proffering the possibility of the three of them singing it as a trio...I'm a huge supporter of that idea.

Given currently extant versions of the song, I'd forego the puppet show and have the titular characters sing it, in keeping with the tradition.

So now I'm going right ahead and taking away Mistoffelees's expositions after all that. 😩 Let's continue.

Invitation - He should sing it. I don't feel super strongly about this one, but I simply like it better when Mistoffelees sings it versus Munkustrap. Even when we have the quieter, more kiddish versions of Mistoffelees, it doesn't disrupt those elements of his character. It feels like an exciting moment for an inchoate showman. It also seems to give him a "reason" to burst onto the stage amidst an orchestral explosion and pull Victoria into a step.

Old Deutoronomy - Mistoffelees can and should sing at least that first part that Wayne Sleep sings, and maybe the first chorus with both Munkustrap and Tugger. I have the impression already that the three of them form a trifecta of Jellicles who are specially favored by Old Deutoronomy. However...I also think Mistoffelees (rather than Skimble) should be the one to escort Deutoronomy to the stage...so I'd have him sing the first bit, then get signaled by Munkustrap to leave, and then the rest of the song is left to Tugger and Munk, and then of course the ensemble. Perhaps continuing to forego the verse about flatulence.

And then, finally:

Mr. Mistoffelees - Tugger should be the one singing the entire song, full stop. I feel very strongly about this because I want there to be as much emphasis as possible on the astronomical estimation Tugger, in spite of his apparent egoism, has of Mistoffelees. It's also silly, to me, when a character sings about himself being quiet and shy. I do need him, however, to say "Presto!" which, as far as I can tell, he pretty much always does. Timothy Scott is something of an outlier unless we're talking about the Mutestoffeli.

I end this diatribe...not much more resolute than when I began. Obviously this hemming and hawing did not even really touch the Mute Mistoffelees phenomenon and all my feelings about that. I guess all I'll say in conclusion is that I love all versions of Mistoffelees, and I love that his evolutions, interpretations, eras, and iterations are so different and so dynamic. I love that so many amazing performers have been able to have so much fun and creative freedom with the character over the years.

I just want yall to know that up to this very moment I keep looking shit up and re-reading posts and wiki pages and I'm only getting infinitely more confused about which Mistoffeli did what thing which way at whatever time, so I'm going to give my brain a break before it liquifies. <3

#cats #cats musical #cats the musical #mr mistoffelees #mistoffelees #my shit #timothy scott #wayne sleep

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sorin-sunchild · 2 months ago

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The 4 types of gendering

Correct gendering: when a persons gender is affirmed through correct use of name, pronouns and other gendered words in positive, neutral and negative situations in the same way it would be for a cis person. e.g. "This is Mandy, my girlfriend." (gf is a trans woman)

Misgendering: when a persons gender is not affirmed and they are instead refered to as their SEG in every possible context. e.g. "This is Mandy, my girlfriend." ('g'f is a trans man)

Degendering: when someone avoids Correct Gendering in a way that also avoids Misgendering, thus giving them plausible deniability. The person will often avoid using the persons name and pronouns where possible and if pronouns are required will exclusively use 'they/them' with the excuse 'but those pronouns are literally neutral' even when aware of the actual pronouns and gender of the person they're speaking about/to. e.g. "Why are you mad I called you they/them those are neutral pronouns it's not transphobic to be gender neutral." "No it's not, but I've told you again and again that my pronouns are 'she/her' and I don't like being refered to neutrally. It feels like you have an issue with my womanhood." "Clearly you're being overly sensitive and just trying to make me out to be the bad guy." "I'm just asking for basic respect and correct gendering." "They/them is neutral though so it counts as correct." ad infinitum

Malgendering: when someone seems to be engaging in Correct Gendering but the Correct Gendering is conditional on the context always being negative and in some situations is actively revoked if the person hates an individual or group enough to start employing Misgendering. Malgendering involves insults, stereotyping, predjudice and bigotry based on the persons gender. However, since it avoids Misgendering, people who employ Malgendering techniques also engage with plausiable deniability about their predjudice/bigotry. e.g. trans men being denied medical care on the grounds of 'being men' despite having the body parts that medical care is designed to help, trans men being deemed suddenly 'unsafe around women' for being men and told 'that's how it is to be a man', a trans woman being arrested for taking off her shirt due to laws against women being topless (when she is in other situations by law considered a man instead), a trans womans lack of ability in male-dominated spaces/hobbies being attributed to her gender.

Disclaimer: Yes, malgendering often crosses over with general transphobia, transmisogyny, misogyny etc it's not a kind of hatred it's an act of hatred based on those other things.

#misgendering #degendering #malgendering #trans #transgender

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sarahghetti · 2 years ago

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it's time for bed; m.k.

pairing: marc spector x reader, steven grant x reader, jake lockley x reader

summary: the boys help out when you have trouble falling asleep.

warnings: none, just fluff all the way through.

MOON KNIGHT MASTERLIST | ALL MASTERLISTS

steven

out of the three of them, steven’s the one who stays up the most. between late night inventory shifts at the museum and getting sucked into a new thousand-page tomb he picked up at a bookstore, he’s the one who tends to bid you goodnight with a sheepish smile, promising that he’ll join you in just a minute, love—I’m almost done.

of course he gets carried away—how couldn’t he? you can’t leave a book halfway through a chapter, after all. but the next chapter is only a dozen or so pages, he can get through that in a jiffy.

repeat that ad infinitum and then it’s late late, which makes him immediately embarrassed when you scuffle out of bed to where he’s seated on the couch.

“sorry, darling—lost track of time.” he slots a bookmark into his current page, giving you a warm smile as he stands. “I’ll come join you now—”

you shake your head, and steven frowns. “everything alright?”

“can’t sleep, s’all.” you mumble and he hums, pulling you down onto the couch with him. you lay your head in his lap, and he covers you with a throw blanket.

“you’re in for a treat tonight,” he says, voice soft as he picks up where he left off. “just started the part on conflicts during the first intermediate period of egypt.”

he starts reading again, out loud this time. steven keeps one hand in your hair, the other tracing over the words as he goes.

“Stable eras of Egyptian history are referred to as 'kingdoms' while eras of political strife or instability are known as 'intermediate periods.' this period has long been labeled a 'dark age'—oh, those are always fun, hm?” he raises his eyebrows and you can’t help but snort softly before he continues. “…When the central government of the old kingdom, which had been built on the model of the early dynastic period in Egypt…”

steven’s always had a nice voice but it’s gentler now, accent rolling over each syllable as he reads. his fingers lightly scratch your scalp and combined with the soothing sound of him speaking, you feel your eyelids grow heavy with each page he turns.

the first time you fell asleep while he read to you, it was on accident.

you just… couldn’t help it. there’s nothing more relaxing than listening to steven animate words on paper, injecting his comments here and there whenever he found something particularly interesting.

but even when you’d flushed red upon waking, steven wasn’t offended in the slightest.

why would he be? he glances down at you now and smiles. there’s a smidge of pride in his chest as you finally doze off in his lap.

he couldn’t care less about the book with you here, finding comfort in him.

steven doesn’t dare try to move you to the bed—not when you’ve finally fallen asleep—and only shifts his position to recline a bit further down the couch.

he can sleep like this. with you, steven could sleep anywhere.

jake

when jake stays up, it’s because he’s out late at night, working his cab shifts. he always lets you and the others know his schedule the minute it comes out so that there are no surprises between you all, and so you don’t worry when he doesn’t come home before you go to bed.

he makes sure to give you a little kiss and an I love you before he leaves, and even texts you around your bedtime as well: good night, princesa. sleep well.

you responded to him hours ago yet here you are, sinking into the mattress with not a wink of sleep to show for it.

it’s not a surprise when you end up hearing the turn of a key in the front door. then, the careful shuffling of someone trying to be quiet as jake comes back from work.

he clicks his tongue, thinking that you’ve left the light on when you fell asleep, but is quickly proven wrong when he sees you’re still awake.

“what are you doing up, baby?” he frowns at the clock, coming to kneel one knee beside you on the bed.

“can’t sleep.” you groan into a pillow, exhausted, and he sighs as brushes the hair back from your face.

“eat with me?”

jaek tends to have a quick bite after a shift before getting ready for bed—either leftovers from dinner or something quick he can scrounge up in the kitchen without making too much noise.

but you’re not asleep this time, eliminating the need to be quiet, and so he hums as he leads you to sit down at the dining table before he goes to search the fridge. he pulls out a container of pasta.

“who made this?”

“steven.”

it immediately gets tossed back on a shelf and you harumph on your poor boy’s behalf, though you know it’s just because jake hates vegan cheese.

the next thing he grabs is a saran-wrapped bundle, one which you recognize as the cookie dough marc made a few days back.

that makes you perk up. “you wanna bake some cookies?”

“who said anything about baking, princesa?”

so that’s how you end up curled around each other on the couch, picking at cookie dough with your hands as jake queues up a movie.

you raise an eyebrow at the runtime. “there’s no way I’m staying awake during all this, you know.”

“of course you are, this is one of my favourites.” he gives you a look, one that implies that you’ll break his heart if you don’t, and you splutter.

“you can’t—you can’t reverse-psychology me into falling asleep.”

“I’m not,” he claims, like a liar.

to his (faked) disappointment, you start to doze off about halfway through the movie, sugar still lingering on your tongue. for all the ribbing he might’ve done before, all he does is press a kiss to the top of your head from where it lays on his chest.

he’ll go to sleep when he’s ready. for now? jake’s got you in his arms and his alter’s baking to eat—it’s a good night.

marc

marc tries to go to bed when you do. no matter if they have to go out to patrol that night, he likes to lay with you as you fall asleep, feeling your breath slow in his arms as he embraces you against his chest.

it’s impossible to stay awake for long when marc’s holding you, not with the gentle way he plays with your hair and grazes his fingers over your skin.

but tonight is different. no matter how much you try, you just. can’t. fall asleep. you shift around in his arms, and he patiently allows you to rearrange your positions as you try to find something comfortable, but nothing sticks.

you grumble, frustrated, and he laughs softly. “can’t sleep?”

“no.” you press your face into his chest, as if you’d find the answer for sleep enveloped in the scent of him. you sigh. “you should just go on patrol, I’ll be fine.”

above you, marc stills, and tilts your head up to give you a stern look.

“none of that, now.” he lightly flicks your nose. “khonshu can wait.”

can he? you wonder, watching marc’s gaze flicker to an empty spot in the room for a moment. he doesn’t move however, only settling in even more beside you, almost pointedly.

you can’t help but grin. “are we antagonizing the bird tonight?”

“only a little.”

marc stays with you as long as you need, talking and joking around with you in bed. he might not say it, but these conversations are some of his favourites—just you and him in the dark, giggling softly as if you’ll wake the city up if you’re too loud.

he can stay up later than you, too, so he especially likes it when you finally start to drift off to sleep and your speech becomes nonsensical.

“don’t put that there,” you mumble out of the blue, eyes long since closed. you’ve practically melted in his arms, and he’s gentle with his touch as to not disturb you.

“my bad,” he whispers, fighting off a laugh. “where does it go?”

“’s simple… it’s…”

you let one last sigh and he knows that you’ve fallen asleep now, nuzzling into him like a cat.

marc wants nothing more than to curl up around you and go to sleep himself, but khonshu makes a snide remark and he knows that he’s pushed the god enough.

he does take one last moment to appreciate you though, admiring you in what little light streams in from the gaps in the curtains.

as much as he loathes to leave you each time, it’s a good motivator—the image of you in their bed, peaceful and safe. cleaning up the streets of crime is just one way for him to help keep you that way, and the faster he works, the sooner he can come home to you.

#moon knight x reader #marc spector x reader #steven grant x reader #jake lockley x reader #moon knight #marc spector #steven grant #jake lockley #moon knight fanfic #my writing

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qadoshqadoshqadosh · 6 months ago

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numbers aren’t real cuz they would have to b containers, as symbolic referents they point to other containers from which additional containers can b constructed, though when we look “inside” these constructed containers we only find a pointer to another empty container, ad infinitum; an arbitrary pointer that is connected to other arbitrary pointers according to whatever system of rules uve invented 2 track these pointers (but when u look inside this system for examples of these rules, u see that the only examples r empty containers, and those rules exist only to point at other empty containers – though they’re very very good at it – and at some point the system collapses because the examples keep pointing at themselves which is, somehow, a little too silly. the rule-makers notice their bodies shake a little bit internally, and that the ground is shaking as well, and they each secretly allow themselves a small smile because they know they’ll get 2 start over again soon)

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damnfandomproblems · 5 days ago

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Fandom Problem #9911:

I won't talk smack about people who ask minors not to follow them, but taking it a step further and saying "this show is not for minors and if you watch it please stop", like you're a parent who knows peoples' limits and how their parents have raised them, that ain't it. This is in reference to Hannibal, for the record. No, the show wasn't made for minors at all, but there's something gross to be said about the implicit suggestion that a minor watching an 18+ show is somehow harming themselves or dysfunctional. I was 16 when I watched the first couple Saw movies. We rented them from Blockbuster. Parents didn't mind. I turned out totally fine. Never had anti sentiments, never (obviously) tried to repeat anything in the movies. Ad infinitum. Just... If you're going to set boundaries, at least don't act like you know the reasons someone likes or watches a show, and whether it will affect them badly. You don't and it comes off as self-important. Kids deal with enough crap without the unnecessary, off-hand lectures.

#ask box submission #fandom problem 9911 #tv show fandom

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redmyeyes · 5 months ago

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Deeply interested in your Dadson read of Queer if you ever feel like expanding on it

guessing you're referring to my comment here, but tbh idk that i have anything intelligent to add that's not already said perfectly by the moment itself (and also these moments).

look at him! look at them! look at that old man and his boy!

the dadson vibes are inherent in the casting. there's not just an age gap, but a generational gap. daniel craig & drew starkey have 25 years between them. maybe i should have said daddy/boy, rather than dadson, but imho you can't introduce a gap like that without evoking those connotations. if you imagine a scale with perfect equals on one end and actual father/son incest on the other, we're at at least an 8 out of 10.

the thing is, there's no real "read" because the movie isn't interested in exploring it. it feels like whatever dadson vibes there are exist almost in spite of luca, not because of him.

because it's obvious why lee is attracted to eugene -- that perfect, flawless body, that youthful strength -- but eugene just exists as an empty vessel for lee to pour his desires into. he wants him as a lover but also wants to inhabit his body. he jokes that he wants to control eugene's thoughts, but he's not really joking.

the movie isn't interested in eugene's own desires, and neither is lee, really. lee is interested in telepathy, not to understand eugene but to be understood. we don't know why eugene is attracted to someone (presumably) his father's age. i'm not saying there aren't reasons, just that we don't know them. we can project onto him whatever daddyissues we want.

lee treats the kid like a recalcitrant toddler when he's not doing what lee wants, and treats him with paternalistic indulgence when he does.

he teases him and does "routines" for his amusement, and it feels like a father trying to get a rise out of his kid. (see especially that first link above. despite what luca says, it's impossible to pass that off as just a kid (lee) with a crush, when the "kid" is 57 years old.)

there are whole scenes where if you told me they were an estranged father/son reuniting and i watched them standalone, i wouldn't blink. pretty much the whole of act 2 and a lot of act 1.

lee makes all the arrangements, gives gene money, dismisses his job. he "takes care" of things.

and like a child, gene (occasionally) wants to be taken care of, and he wants (or "allows", he probably tells himself, but when he's being honest, wants) lee's adoration. and then he rebels against it and shoves lee away. and then he gives into it. and then he rebels against it. etc, etc, ad infinitum.

he can't decide if lee is treating him more like a child or like a whore, and which one he should be more ashamed by. impossible to know what he really wants or if he really wants, because lee muddied those waters immediately. (in the book, lee offers to buy back gene's pawned camera right after they first have sex. it still exists in the movie, but spliced together in a way that doesn't make it explicit, and i wonder if that was a late cut of luca's in an attempt to reduce those vibes. but if so, why? the money/power disparity is so present throughout the whole movie and lee never hesitates to use it to get what he wants).

idk, i've been thinking a lot about agency, and about power. eugene never initiates -- he allows himself to be pursued, and he makes himself available (or not). part of gene's problem is that he doesn't understand (like a child) just how much power he really has (all of it). lee has all the worldly power and gene thinks his only power is in what he allows, so when he feels the balance tipping he pulls away.

that's not to say he doesn't genuinely care for lee or desire him! clearly he does! he's alternately amused/bored/annoyed by him. he carries that frail old man up the mountain like an ageing parent. and there is desire! but it's almost like he needs to be caught unawares to be able to sink into it fully. that sleepy second sex scene and its beautiful aftermath (Do you... Do you mind it? Not terribly. But you do enjoy it sometimes? The whole deal, I mean? Oh, yes. Oh, yes.) is one of the clearest (/only) glimpses we get as to what gene actually wants. but then he sobers up and pushes lee, literally, violently, away again.

idk, i guess the other (normal?) reading is that gene is just a repressed homosexual and that's why he's so hot & cold towards lee all the time, but then why give them such a big age gap at all? isn't it more fun to have that be the feature, and explore the consequences of that age/power gap directly?

#like i said this is all projection so don't take it too seriously #who knows what luca actually intended #despite him denying that there's any real age gap at all #i just find it more interesting when the waters are more muddied idk #but i'm curious whether any of this resonates with other people bc i really have no clue #i've watched this movie 3 times now and tbh still don't know what to make of it #queer 2024 #asks

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centralcitylibrary · 3 months ago

Text

The Crimes of Sonic Adventure 2 (2001)

Before we begin, another brief reminder that we have a Discord server now! Click this link right... here! To join the server. There's a permanent link on the blog's pinned post.

The Crimes of Sonic Adventure 2

DISCLAIMER: I am not a qualified United States of America lawyer (nor do I even live in the United States of America), do not treat anything in this document as legal advice. This is all to entertain a what-if scenario.

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Do you like crimes?

Do you want to see the rap sheet of the characters of Sonic Adventure 2?

Well I know I wanted to see the rap sheet for Dr. Eggman, so I begun digging into his history… and very quickly realised it was unfeasible for a singular document.

So how about instead a singular document covering Sonic Adventure 2? And to sweeten the deal, we won’t just be looking at Eggman, we’ll be looking at everyone, even Sonic the Hedgehog himself.

These are…

The Crimes of Sonic Adventure 2.

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Why start at Sonic Adventure 2?

Well, Sonic Adventure 2 takes place in a city that visually resembles San Francisco, giving us a frame of reference for a real word location and time period (2001) to list the crimes over, unlike the Classic games which do not given any kind of reference. This is kind of important to actually listing crimes, since what’s considered a crime and what the punishment for that crime is varies depending on the country/nation, state, city, and even district within that city (though I won’t get that specific), and they change overtime.

Okay, but what about Sonic Adventure 1? Station Square shares the same name as Station Square, Pittsburgh, surely that’s good enough for a location to base the crimes on?

Well you can blame this one enemy for that. They do not spawn infinitely, and as I am in a position where I cannot legally play the game myself (and, unsurprisingly, nobody is willing to count for me), I cannot get a precise number for them. So I’d rather just wait until I’m either in a position where I can do that or I find someone who IS willing to count for me (in the unlikely chance that you, reading this, are willing to do so, I’d provide credit to you for it).

Needless to say, I have a solution to that issue for Sonic Adventure 2.

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A note from future Numbug: uh it might turn out that I didn’t need to count the individual amount of Eggman robots anyways, as illegal weapons manufacturing is counted by the process of manufactoring weapons, rather than the individual amount of weapons made – and since they lack robots, Beats wouldn’t be counted for that anyways.

Hooray?

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Some clarification:

If committing a crime in gameplay is possible but optional without glitches (or other unintended behaviour), the assumption will be that no such crime occurred. Even though in some cases this will go against common logic or otherwise be out-of-character, this will provide the best case scenario for each character (and if we went the opposite direction, multiple characters can rack up violations ad infinitum). This “best case scenario” will also be applied on a per-character basis, so one character’s rap sheet might be assuming a scenario that’s mutually incompatible with another character’s.

Related to the above, the assumption is that each character only goes through each level once, and always on mission 1. There’s no evidence anything else is canon, and there’s no evidence the characters visit the chao garden during SA2 (nor would that make logical sense the way it’s presented).

The desert levels, while clearly inspired by the Egyptian Pyramids, are shown via the in-game map to be within walking distance, so they’ll assumed to be an equivalent historical site in the USA and treated as such.

The ARK, being a United Federation space station, will be treated akin to a military base (abandoned or not, they would still have government ownership by default). Any crimes committed on it 50 years ago will be treated akin to the law for 1951.

While I will link the English version for convenience, this crimes ranking will be using the original Japanese dub, and in any instances where the dub changes changes the legal status of an action the Japanese version will be given default priority and linked appropriately.

Robots and artificial creations will only be counted IF they display any autonomy from their creator. So Shadow will be given his own spot, while the Biolizard will not.

Some terminology:

Conspiracy to commit: you planned with another person to commit a crime.

Complicit in: means you didn’t do anything per say, but you were with someone who committed a crime, and did nothing to stop them.

Aiding & abetting: you didn’t commit the crime itself, but you helped someone else to commit it.

Attempted: you attempted to commit a crime, but didn’t end up doing so (whether you failed, you changed your mind, or some other third thing).

1st degree murder: you planned on killing someone in advance (regardless of if you discussed such plans or not).

2nd degree murder: you decided in the moment to kill someone present.

And lastly, as much as I hate to admit it, there will be no sentence given for these crimes. I did want to, I really wanted to, but I found researching it not only incredibly difficult, but also definitely not up to the quality standard that I expect from not only the Central City Library, but also myself.

Now, onto the rankings, from least crimes committed to most crimes committed. Starting with those who have a perfect record...

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Clean: Pilot of Flying Dog (real name unknown)

Age: unknown (at least 16+)

Nationality: United Federation

Species: human

Only including him for consistency’s sake, since the other two have codenames

n/a

Total crimes committed: 0

Sentence: n/a (deceased)

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Clean: President of the United Federation

Age: unknown (35+)

Nationality: United Federation

Species: human

n/a

Total crimes committed: 0 cases (if only all presidents could have such a perfect track record)

Sentence: none

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Clean: President of the United Federation’s Secretary

Age: unknown

Nationality: United Federation

Species: human

n/a

Total crimes committed: 0 cases.

Sentence: none

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Clean: Spider Troop (real name unknown)

Age: unknown (at least 16+)

Nationality: United Federation

Species: human

You know him, he pilots Big Foot!

Assault on a minor: 1 case – unfortunately, outside of particularly egregious examples, the right to self defence when arrested for a crime you’re not guilty of is not enforceable, so this charge is most likely dropped.

Total crimes committed: 0 cases.

Sentence: none

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Clean: Scorpion Troop (real name unknown)

Age: unknown (at least 16+)

Nationality United Federation

Species: human

He pilots Hot Shot.

n/a

Total crimes committed: 0

Sentence: none

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Clean: Maria Robotnik

Age: n/a (unknown at time of death)

Nationality: United Federation

Species: human

Attempted theft of government property: 1 case – because yes, Shadow the Hedgehog is a top secret military research weapon, artificially created with G.U.N. budget. So yes, Shadow was owned by the military. However, Shadow has displayed awareness and autonomy, and the entire shutdown of the A.R.K. was a corrupt operation from the beginning, to such a degree that by all accounts Maria should be acquitted for attempting to let Shadow escape. That, and the fact that under U.S. 2001 law a living being technically a slave wouldn’t fly.

Total crimes committed: 0 cases.

Sentence: n/a (deceased)

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Clean: Omochao

Age: n/a (robot)

Nationality: n/a (robot)

Species: n/a (robot)

I’d positively love to give Omochao a rap sheet a mile long, for no other reason than how funny it would be. However, I need to apply the same standards to everyone, and that includes Omochao. Omochao is a mass produced robot, producer unknown, who are incredibly knowledgeable and widespread. One even had knowledge on the Biolizard, that’s how much they know. And yet, they only activate if someone approaches them. That means that, giving them the same leeway we give the rest of the cast, they haven’t committed any crimes. No aiding and abetting, no conspiracy, not even entering military bases, since it’s assumed the military would have to bring them in.

n/a

Total crimes committed: 0 cases

Sentence: none

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And now we reach the point where characters have committed at least one crime, and can thus be charged.

Oh, by the way, initially I wanted to present the minimum and maximum penalties for each character, but uh… turns out, finding a minimum charge for a crime is very difficult, far more difficult than finding the maximum penalty.

So, I’ll be sentencing according to the maximum penalty, preferably for specifically 2001 when I can find such metrics. As before, if I make an error on this (and, as I’m not a US lawyer knowledgeable on the law as it existed in 2001, nor a US lawyer, nor a US citizen, nor ever set foot on the USA, I’m bound to make an error on this), please inform me so that I may correct it.

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#13: Egg Golem

Age: unknown (a few days old?)

Nationality: n/a (robot)

Species: n/a (robot)

Yes, we’re seriously covering the Egg Golem. It spends 1 boss fight free from Eggman’s control, so it is eligible for committing crimes.

Aggravated assault with a deadly weapon: 1 case – for the entirety of its time spent independent from Eggman’s control, it spends that time attempting to kill Eggman. We know this isn’t from self defence (or defending Sonic and co.), since it does this in response to Eggman insulting it. It’s with a deadly weapon because the Egg Golem IS a deadly weapon.

Attempted 2nd degree murder: 1 case.

Total crimes committed: 2 cases.

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#13: King Boom Boo

Age: n/a (unknown at time of death)

Nationality: United Federation

Species: ghost (formerly human)

Assault on a minor: 1 case.

Attempted 2nd degree murder of a minor: 1 case.

Total crimes committed: 2 cases.

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#12: Knuckles the Echidna

Age: 16

Nationality: n/a (sole resident of Angel Island)

Species: echidna

As the first playable character on the list, I need to define a unit of value for the stolen items, or more accurately what the maximum penalty shall be. … I don’t want to do that, so instead, I shall just label “compensation for stolen item” instead.

Illegal border crossing: 1 case – Knuckles might have de facto diplomatic immunity for being the sole representative of his own nation. Even if he doesn’t, he only entered the United Federation in order to stop Rouge from stealing the Master Emerald, a gemstone of unimaginable value.

Theft: 1 case – yeah it’s a rural canyon, but those Shovel Claws surely belonged to someone, and Knuckles made no attempt to find the original owners yet along return these to them.

Trespassing: 2 cases – an abandoned mine is still, well, a mine, and thus a place Knuckles doesn’t have clearance to enter unannounced. And then he goes through a sewer. Of course, there is genuine argument that Knuckles is unaware that he’s trespassing, and nobody informs him of such nor requests that he leaves these areas.

Complicit in trespassing into a government space: 1 case – going inside of a vehicle is considered trespassing, and this appears to be the president’s private limo, given the screen set up for a private discussion with Dr. Eggman.

Complicit in hacking: 1 case.

Complicit in interfering with a government meeting: 1 case.

Trespassing: 2 cases – given the existential threat Eggman is currently posing, any efforts to stop him would absolutely be forgiven under law.

Conspiracy to commit grand larceny: 1 case – ditto.

Conspiracy to launch a rocket without clearance: 1 case – ditto.

Theft: 4 cases – ditto.

Grand larceny: 1 case – ditto.

Launching a rocket without clearance: 1 case – ditto.

Trespassing a government space: 1 case – the ARK, while abandoned, is still a G.U.N. base, and is still being patrolled by G.U.N. robots. However, Knuckles is here to stop a global atrocity like the rest of the gang.

Reckless endangerment: 1 case – attempting to commandeer a vehicle you have no idea how to pilot while it’s in flight in outer space is a one way ticket to kill everyone on-board.

Resisting arrest: 1 case – by this point Knuckles has associated himself with Sonic and co. (whom have certainly committed various crimes by this point), and thus is liable to being arrested.

Resisting arrest: 1 case – everyone was saving the world.

Total crimes committed: 6 cases

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#11: Amy Rose

Age: 12

Nationality: unknown

Species: hedgehog

Entering a restricted military base: 1 case.

Aiding & abetting escape from lawful custody: 1 case.

Petty theft: 1 case – stole an identification card to release Sonic from prison.

Resisting arrest: 1 case.

Conspiracy to trespass onto a government area: 1 case.

Conspiracy to hacking: 1 case.

Complicit in trespassing into a government space: 1 case.

Complicit in hacking: 1 case.

Complicit in interfering with a government meeting: 1 case.

Trespassing: 2 cases – given the existential threat Eggman is currently posing, any efforts to stop him should be completely legal.

Conspiracy to commit grand larceny: 1 case – ditto.

Conspiracy to launch a rocket without clearance: 1 case – ditto.

Grand larceny: 1 case – ditto.

Launching a rocket without clearance: 1 case – ditto.

Conspiracy to commit destruction of government property: 1 case – ditto.

Complicit in attempted destruction of government property: 1 case – ditto.

Total crimes committed: 9 cases

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# 10: Big the Cat

Age: n/a

Nationality: unknown (presumed United Federation)

Species: cat

As hilarious as it sounds, Big commits some crimes in his cameos. Under the logic of giving everyone maximum benefit of the doubt, his cutscene cameos will not be counted, as he only appears given player input. But his in-level cameos will count as he’s there regardless of if the player checks on him or not.

Entering a restricted military base: 4 cases – Big is seen in Prison Island in Iron Gate and Weapons Bed, and is seen on the Space Colony: ARK in Lost Colony and Mad Space.

Trespassing: 5 cases – enters in Eggman’s base in Sand Ocean, Egg Quarters, and Hidden Base. He also ends up on a blimp in Radical Highway and under the road in Mission Street.

Reckless Endangerment: 1 case – Big hanging onto a blimp like that endangers everyone inside of the blimp.

Escape from Lawful Custody: 1 case – despite appearing behind bars in Prison Lane, Big later appears out from behind bars.

Total crimes committed: 11 cases.

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#9: Professor Gerald Robotnik

Age: n/a (unknown at time of death)

Nationality: unknown

Species: human

Anything the Biolizard does can be presumed to be a direct result of Gerald remotely reprogramming it, and so its actions will be added to Gerald’s (post-humous) list. Oh, and given Gerald lost his sanity before committing his crimes, it’s entirely possible for him to be posthumously declared innocent on grounds of insanity. Crimes committed 50 years ago will be listed in bold to note the time gap.

Reckless endangerment: 1 case – Gerald was blamed for a crime that never happened to cover up a separate crime G.U.N. committed.

Collective punishment: 1 case – while you could argue this should be “conspiracy to commit [x]”, the fact of the matter is that Gerald had already set all of the programming up for both the Eclipse Cannon, the ARK as a whole, Shadow, and the Biolizard. The plan was already in motion by the time he admitted/talked about it, and all he needed was someone to wake up Shadow. To me, that’s more than enough to sentence him for actively attempting these crimes, albeit posthumously.

Attempted mass murder: 1 case – same as above in regards to violating the Geneva conventions.

Attempted mass property damage: 1 case – ditto.

Assault: 2 cases.

Aggravated assault with a deadly weapon: 3 cases.

Attempted 2nd degree murder: 2 cases.

Assault on a minor: 1 case.

Attempted 2nd degree murder of a minor: 1 case.

Total crimes committed: 12 cases.

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#8: Sonic the Hedgehog

Age: 15

Nationality: unknown (born on Christmas Island)

Species: hedgehog

Resisting arrest: 3 cases – Sonic is constantly ignoring G.U.N. trying to apprehend him, the mistaken identity doesn’t matter as he began resisting by immediately assaulting government officers, which is, well, crime.

Assault on a government officer: 3+ cases – took out “everyone aboard” on the G.U.N. helicopter, and then later fought Spider Troop.

Destruction of government property: 5 cases:

1 Mono Beetle (cutting off as many from homing attack chains as possible)

Stripped off 1 piece of a G.U.N. helicopter

1 wooden boxes

1 Big Foot

Some metal casing

Theft of government property: 3 cases – stole that aforementioned strip of the G.U.N. helicopter, a pair of Light Shoes, and some of that aforementioned metal casing.

Jaywalking: 5 cases – I mean. Yeah. He kinda does do that. The G.U.N. truck chase doesn’t excuse anything, as he still runs on the road before it even arrives.

Speeding: 4 cases – well technically he’s not driving, he’s running/snowboarding. Can’t speed without a car.

Reckless endangerment: 3 cases – Sonic ran along the streets of City Escape on two separate occassions, once on an impromptu snowboard. Even assuming he didn’t hit anything, that’s still dangerous to everyone on the road.

Entering closed off areas: 2 cases – ignores “do not enter” signs twice; though it turns out you also need to be told to leave and then refuse to do so in order to be sentenced.

Trespassing: 1 case (+$5,000 fine, 1 year in prison, and 2 years probation) – runs down the side of a building.

Entering closed off areas: 1 case – the instance just before the G.U.N. truck is arguable due to signs providing conflicting messages.

Reckless endangerment: 1 case – okay see in this case a giant 2 lane truck is chasing him and trying to run him over, this is more acceptable.

Assault: 2 cases – Sonic charges at Shadow, assuming he’s being framed (incorrectly). He does so again later on.

Escape from lawful custody: 1 case.

Trespassing into a government space: 2 cases – clinging onto the G.U.N. rocket launch, and then later jumping into the president’s limo.

Resisting arrest: 4 cases – first the island’s blowing up, and Sonic and co. are just trying to not die from that; then Sonic’s trying to save Amy from Eggman, then Sonic’s saving the world, then everyone’s saving the world.

Conspiracy to trespass into a government space: 1 case (+$10,000 fine & 10 years in prison).

Conspiracy to commit hacking: 1 case.

Interfering with a government meeting: 1 case.

Complicit in hacking: 1 case.

Trespassing: 2 cases – given the existential threat Eggman is currently posing, any efforts to stop him should be completely legal.

Conspiracy to commit grand larceny: 1 case – ditto.

Conspiracy to launch a rocket without clearance: 1 case – ditto.

Grand larceny: 1 case – ditto.

Launching a rocket without clearance: 1 case – ditto.

Conspiracy to commit destruction of government property: 1 case – ditto.

Attempted destruction of government property: 1 case – ditto.

Resisting arrest: 1 case – hostage situation + trying to save the world.

Destruction of government property: 14 cases – there’s saving the world from the Eclipse Cannon, and also saving Amy from her hostage situation.

Theft of government property: 1 case – given the hostage situation he was in and the fact he was actively attempting to stop Eggman’s existential threat, stealing one measly Flame Ring should be excusable. Besides, we don’t even know if Sonic kept it afterwards, as next time he gets something similar he’s seen buying it.

Total crimes committed: 35 cases.

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#7: Boos & Boom Boos

Age: n/a (unknown at time of deaths)

Nationality: United Federation

Species: ghosts (formerly humans)

Given the Boos are a group of people, and not an individual, the charges will be doled out as 1 case per individual Boo involved.

Assault on a minor: 29 cases – pretty simple, whether they harm or grab, they’re still assaulting Sonic and Knuckles.

Attempted 2nd degree murder of a minor: 19 cases – most of these cases are from directly attacking, but some are from grabbing Sonic in close proximity to another hazard such as a trap or one of Eggman’s robots.

Assault: 2 cases – they attempt to grab Rouge too.

Attempted 2nd degree murder: 2 cases.

Reckless Endangerment: 2 cases – some of the “fright” Boos do so in the presence of traps, Eggman robots, or more aggressive Boos.

Aided & abetted assault on a minor: 1 case – a Boo holds an hourglass for King Boom Boo.

Aided & abetted attempted 2nd degree murder of a minor: 1 case.

Total crimes committed: 56 cases collectively.

Total number of Boos: 68

Average of cases per Boo: 0.8 cases per Boo (rounded down)

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#6: Miles “Tails” Prower

Age: 8

Nationality: unknown (born on Westside Island)

Species: fox

This is the first time that it’s relevant, but for the multiplayer I’m making the assumption that it’s inclusion isn’t a canonical event, but items made within it are considered canonical, especially since external media does provide an origin for some items (such as the Chao Walker and Dark Chao Walker).

Illegal weapons manufacturing: 1 case – the Cyclone, a personal mech that can transform into a plane and a car, is not a weapon you can just carry around. He also built the mech that Chao uses in the multiplayer mode. It’s only one case as the law is defined by the act of manufacturing weapons, not the specific number of weapons you make.

Entering a restricted military base: 1 case.

Aiding & abetting escape from legal custody: 1 case.

Destruction of government property: 54 cases – Tails has to destroy G.U.N. robots to progress in his stages. Including:

23 G.U.N. Hunters

2 Hornet-3s

19 Mono Beetles

10 caged crates

Resisting arrest: 1 case.

Theft: 1 case – stole the Boosters.

Hacking: 2 cases – accessed government computers.

Conspiracy to trespass into a government space: 1 case.

Conspiracy to commit hacking: 1 case.

Trespassing into a government space: 1 case – he and Sonic jump into the President’s limo.

Interfering with a government meeting: 1 case – he and Sonic interrupted the President’s attempted surrender, which caused Eggman to attempt to fire the Eclipse Cannon again.

Underage driving/driving without a licence: 1 case – from my look, I don’t see a separate charge for underage driving, to my surprise. Instead, the charge gets applied to the legal guardian/s. Tails seemingly has no legal guardians on account of having his own homes and labs, implying he’s an emancipated child, so that charge should still fall onto him regardless (as all of these other charges, in case you’re wondering).

Speeding: 1 case – clearly sped on the road to reach the President’s limo.

Reckless driving: 1 case – I mean when one of the optional missions is “don’t hit other cars” and another is “don’t hit walls”, even the game itself considers your driving dangerous.

Trespassing: 2 cases – given the existential threat Eggman is currently posing, any efforts to stop him should be completely legal.

Conspiracy to commit grand larceny: 1 case – ditto.

Conspiracy to launch a rocket without clearance: 1 case – ditto.

Grand larceny: 1 case – ditto.

Launching a rocket without clearance: 1 case – ditto.

Conspiracy to commit destruction of government property: 1 case – ditto.

Resisting arrest: 2 cases – first time he was trying to save the world, second time everyone was trying to save the world.

Complicit in attempted destruction of government property: 1 case – ditto.

Destruction of government property: 9 cases – given the situation, Tails is excused for attacking the robots trying to attack him.

Theft of government property: 1 case – given the situation, Tails using the Bazooka is excusable.

Total crimes committed: 68 cases

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#5: G.U.N. (short for Guardian Unit of Nations)

Age: varies

Nationality: varies

Species: varies, typically human

Now we leave the realm of mundane crime volume and jump into the truly absurd… And you can thank a singular truck for that.

As both their name and dialogue in Sonic Riders: Zero Gravity shows, G.U.N. is an international military, not beholding to any specific branch of government. However, perhaps as a requirement of being an officially recognised government branch, they do still need to abide by the local governments of any nation a particular branch is stationed in, as seen by the future G.U.N. Commander, Abraham Towers, obeying direct orders from the President and generally protecting his well being. This is all to provide important context for not only their current actions, but also the actions they performed 50 years ago (the latter of which will be in bold).

And, due to a majority of the robots being either controlled by an AI and/or remote controlled, it’s practically impossible to determine how many G.U.N. soldiers are truly involved, meaning I can’t present an average like I did with the Boos.

Lastly, as the G.U.N. Truck driver was responsible for a vast majority of these cases, charges for them specifically will be underlined.

Conspiracy to commit mass murder: 1+ cases – the ARK’s Indestructible Seal, a top secret plan detailing the closing of the ARK, involves killing the scientists who knew of Project: Shadow, and pinning it all as an accident caused by Professor Gerald.

Conspiracy to commit a false accusation: 1+ cases.

Conspiracy to falsify information: 1+ cases – the plan was carried out on the premise that G.U.N. knew nothing.

Mass murder: 1+ cases – Maria doesn’t even get singled out, she’s one of an unknown number of victims.

False accusation: 1+ cases – successfully pinned the blame for the ARK’s shutdown on Professor Gerald.

False arrest: 2+ cases – successfully captured both Professor Gerald and the finalised Ultimate Lifeform, Shadow the Hedgehog

Improper documentation: 1+ cases – until Shadow himself expressed recollection of being captured, it was unknown if Shadow was even the original or a clone, which proves that said capture was not properly reported.

Failure to comply with a lawful order: 1 case – I decided this has enough to be worth including, but not enough to be worth sentencing, as the President requesting Rouge obtain this information from G.U.N. implies that he tried asking them directly and got nothing. It’s plausible that G.U.N. (truthfully or not) claimed they couldn’t access it, and later that they couldn’t look for it due to fighting Dr. Eggman, so this is a grey area. And as said, I lean on the best case scenario for these rap sheets.

False arrest: 1 case – can’t apply to Shadow breaking out of Prison Island, since breaking out of jail is still a crime even if you’re innocent of the crime that got you sent to prison to begin with.

Animal cruelty: 1+ cases – holds the turtle hostage.

Aggravated assault with a weapon: 4+ cases.

Assault on a government officer: 1+ cases – oh yeah, Rouge is a government officer and isn’t even undercover yet during her first stage.

Spying: 4+ cases – the Gold Beetles are canonically reconnaissance robots. Now, spying on your own population is (as far as I can tell) fully legal, unfortunately. However, G.U.N. is an international organisation, and can & has acted in their own interests in the past and during this game, even spying on a United Federation government agent.

Assault on a minor: 3+ cases.

Reckless endangerment: 6 cases – Knuckles and Rouge could’ve died from these robots attacking them. Oh, and the G.U.N. truck driving through a populated city, including Big the Cat. Poor guy. Lastly, the G.U.N. Robots in Cannon’s Core still attack Sonic and co. despite them working to save the world (something Rouge can easily communicate to the President and by proxy G.U.N.). We can reasonably assume that G.U.N.’s still in control over their robots given the teleportation technology and the fact that Shadow 05 presents G.U.N. robots as good aligned (given that destroying them gives Shadow dark metre). G.U.N. failing to get these robots to stop attacking the 5 of them risked both their lives and the lives of everyone on the planet.

False arrest: 2 cases – arrested Sonic the Hedgehog due to mistaken identity.

Reckless driving: 1 case.

Vehicle size violation: 1+ cases – it might be made by the military, but even the military needs to be able to drive on the road without causing widespread devastation. Anyways, the exact sentence depends on the weight of the G.U.N. truck, which I can’t know with certainty, but can estimate. Its height, in comparison to the cars it runs over, is roughly 3.6 times wider. The average car is 1.94 metres wide, while the average semi-trailer truck (what the G.U.N. truck appears to be) is 2.5 metres wide, 3.6 times 1.94 is 6.984 metres wide, making the G.U.N. truck 3 times larger than a semi-trailer truck. Applying square cube law, that should make the truck 270,000 pounds. As the California weight limit is 80,000 pounds, this makes the G.U.N. truck 190,000 pounds over the weight limit. If you have a better calculation, please let me know.

Speeding: 1 case.

Attempted 2nd degree murder: 1 case – tossing a truck this big on one person is clearly an attempt to kill.

Property damage: 185+ cases – the G.U.N. truck, in one 30 second segment, breaks through the wall Sonic just went under (it clips through it, but realistically that wall is just gone), destroys 98 cars, 1 bin, 72 trees, 2 ramps, 1 street light, and 4 traffic signs. On top of that, I’m also going to assume 2 houses get damaged every time the G.U.N. truck turns (which it does 3 times), purely due to its sheer size. And it’s likely committed more violations, given we see it driving in from the area Sonic was just in, it likely destroyed everything in there too.

Assault on a minor: 1 case – the right to self defence on a false arrest is not enforceable, except for particularly egregious examples. Now, I’m no expert, but attempting to run over someone with a truck so big it cannot fit onto the road properly, and did widespread damage to the immediate area in an attempt to run them over would count as particularly egregious.

Total crimes committed: 215+

Total crimes committed (50 years ago): 8+ cases

Total crimes committed (current day, sans G.U.N. truck driver): 22+ cases

Total crimes committed (G.U.N. truck driver): 188+ cases

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#4: Shadow the Hedgehog

Age: unknown (chronologically 50+)

Nationality: United Federation (G.U.N. created weapon)

Species: hedgehog/Black Arms hybrid

Realistically speaking, after Shadow is confirmed to survive post-SA2 (and gains his memory…), he has a solid argument to avoid being sentenced for any of these crimes, by virtue of a mixture of government conspiracy and the fact that his memories were tampered with by Professor Gerald, with evidence in Gerald’s diary itself, and thus he can argue he was coerced to commit these crimes. A moot point, since he’d likely be fully pardoned after Heroes, but the argument remains.

Resisting arrest: 1 case – we don’t actually get any evidence that G.U.N. ever made any attempt at a formal arrest on Shadow in SA2 or supplementary material (other games will be covered if/when I get to those specific games), so there’s no grounds to argue he was resisting arrest. Even if they did, the military’s actions in this game are blatantly corrupt in hindsight, and are far more than enough to warrant an exoneration for such a charge.

Theft of government property: 1 case – Shadow being an artificial lifeform created by G.U.N. gives credence to the idea he was owned by them, but as above the corrupt nature they attempted in order to capture him should be more than enough to exonerate him.

Escape from lawful custody: 1 case (7 years in prison) – Escaped from Prison Island. Yes, breaking out of prison when you were put in for a crime you didn’t commit is still a crime in and of itself.

Assault on a government officer: 1 case – attacked the pilot of B-3x Hot Shot.

Destruction of government property: 37+ cases – Shadow has destroyed a fair number of robots, machines, and other government equipment. This will also included every single robot in White Jungle, as regardless of if Shadow personally destroys them or not they’ll still be taken out in the ensuing explosion. However, non-robot equipment will be excluded from White Jungle due to their cost being negligent in comparison, unless Shadow directly has to destroy it.

Conspiracy to commit grand larceny: 1 case – plotted to steal more Chaos Emeralds with Dr. Eggman.

Conspiracy to commit terrorism: 1 case – plotted to use the Eclipse Cannon with Dr. Eggman.

Grand larceny: 1 case – stole a Chaos Emerald from a bank.

Theft of government property: 1 case – stole the Air Shoes (not to be confused with his shoes, which are also called air shoes).

Resisting arrest: 4 cases – continues running even as G.U.N. robots chase after him.

Collective punishment: 1 case – plans on inflicting a punishment on the entirety of the human race rather than just those who were responsible for the raid on the ARK/Maria’s murder in the first place.

Jaywalking: 1 case – Radical Highway might be the most unsafe highway imaginable. But it is still a highway, and Shadow clearly has no regard for staying off said highway.

Entering a restricted military area: 2 case.

Conspiracy to commit usurpation: 201 cases.

Conspiracy to commit destruction of government property: 1 case.

Conspiracy to commit destruction of a government base: 1 case.

Conspiracy to commit 1st degree mass murder: 1 case.

Aiding & abetting destruction of military property: 1 case.

Aiding & abetting grand larceny: 3 cases.

1st degree mass murder: 1 case.

Destruction of a government base: 1 case.

Complicit in aggravated assault with a lethal weapon: 1 case.

Complicit in assault on a minor: 1 case.

Complicit in attempted 2nd degree murder of a minor: 1 case.

Assault on a minor: 1 case – Sonic attacked him first, so it’s self defence.

Complicit in hijacking of radio signals: 1 case.

Terrorism: 1 case

Mass destruction: 1 case.

Mass manslaughter: 1 case.

Mass reckless endangerment: 1 case.

Mass emotional damages: 1 case.

Holding a hostage en masse: 1 case.

Inducing public panic: 1 case.

Aiding & abetting attempted usurpation: 1 case.

Stalking of a minor: 1 case.

Complicit in attempted 1st degree murder or a minor: 8 cases.

Intimidation: 1 case.

Assault on a minor: 1 case.

Attempted 1st degree murder on a minor: 1 case – while he didn’t know it was Sonic specifically, he knew someone was approaching the Eclipse Cannon, and was going to guard it, likely with lethal force (and in both languages he expresses intent to kill towards Sonic).

Uttering threats: 1 case.

Collective punishment: 1 case – needless to say, all of humanity didn’t assault the ARK 50 years ago, nor did they kill Maria. A large majority of them wouldn’t have even been alive back then.

Attempted terrorism: 1 case – the reason Eggman gets charged with this and Shadow doesn’t is pretty simple: Shadow knows everyone is going to be killed, while Eggman didn’t.

Attempted mass murder: 1 case – this isn’t a genocide charge since it isn’t targeting a specific demographic of humans, but rather all humans.

Attempted mass property damage: 1 case.

Total crimes committed: 288+ cases.

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#3: Rouge the Bat

Age: 18

Nationality: unknown (presumed United Federation)

Species: bat

One complicating factor is that Rouge was an undercover agent, not working for G.U.N., but working directly for the President, with a specific goal to achieve. So if she commits a crime in order to maintain her cover to achieve her goal, as assigned by the President himself, is that permissible? Does that get struck from the record? Looking it up, it counts as a crime if she took up arms/aided the enemy against her own during times of warfare. Which… yeah, she did. I don’t know, I’ll list them here regardless, but she might get a Presidential pardon after this game since she did accomplish her primary objective. If a crime is in italics, then committing it was part of her spy duties. If you don’t count those, then Shadow takes the #3 spot instead.

Illegal border crossing: 1 case – Knuckles is constantly on the lookout for intruders to his island, and Rouge still came on and stole the Master Emerald regardless.

Burglary: 1 case – technically Knuckles doesn’t have a defined house, but surely if Rouge got onto the island in the first place with the sole intent of committing a crime then she should get this charge regardless.

Grand larceny: 7 cases – Rouge steals the Master Emerald, then when it gets broken into pieces she steals 6 of the fragments.

Stalking: 1 case – puts a tracker on Dr. Eggman to follow him into his base. I’m not sure when she was able to do that, but apparently she did.

Destruction of government property: 2 cases – Rouge destroys two G.U.N. Hunters. However, these G.U.N. Hunters were holding a turtle hostage, so destroying them would be defensible as preventing animal cruelty.

Trespassing: 1 case – infiltrates Eggman’s base.

Destruction of private property: 4 cases – Rouge destroys 4 of Eggman’s caged boxes.

Theft: – steals 3 of Eggman’s keys to infiltrate his base, and the Pink Nails that were in there.

Entering a restricted military base: 2 cases – Rouge infiltrates ARK independently of the rest of the gang, and then infiltrates Prison Island with them.

Conspiracy to commit grand larceny: 1 case – plotted to steal more Chaos Emeralds with Dr. Eggman.

Conspiracy to commit terrorism: 1 case – plotted to use the Eclipse Cannon with Dr. Eggman.

Conspiracy to commit usurpation: 201 cases.

Conspiracy to commit destruction of government property: 1 case.

Conspiracy to commit destruction of a government base: 1 case.

Conspiracy to commit 1st degree mass murder: 1 case.

Complicit in aggravated assault with a lethal weapon: 8 cases.

Complicit in assault on a minor: 8 cases.

Complicit in attempted 2nd degree murder of a minor: 1 case.

Grand Larceny: 3 cases – and here’s where Rouge stole 3 Chaos Emeralds.

Aided & abetted 1st degree mass murder: 1 case.

Aided & abetted destruction of a government base: 1 case.

Aided & abetted destruction of government property: 13+ cases – just like Eggman, every robot in Security Hall that Rouge doesn’t destroy personally will still be destroyed with the island’s destruction, so they’ll be counted as part of this list at bare minimum.

Assault on a government officer: 1 case – fought against the pilot for R-1/A Flying Dog.

Destruction of government property: 1 case – destroyed Flying Dog.

Complicit in hijacking of radio signals: 1 case.

Complicit in terrorism: 1 case

Complicit in mass destruction: 1 case.

Complicit in mass manslaughter: 1 case.

Complicit in mass reckless endangerment: 1 case.

Complicit in mass emotional damages: 1 case.

Complicit in holding a hostage en masse: 1 case.

Complicit in inducing public panic: 1 case.

Complicit in attempted usurpation: 1 case.

Espionage: 1 case – I mean- it’s the entire reason she’s here.

Stalking a minor: 1 case.

Speeding: 1 case – clearly sped on the road to reach Tails’s Tornado-2.

Reckless driving: 1 case – I mean when one of the optional missions is “don’t hit other cars” and another is “don’t hit walls”, even the game itself considers your driving dangerous.

Complicit in 1st degree attempted murder: 7 cases.

Hacking: 1 case.

Resisting arrest: 1 case – Rouge ignores G.U.N. robots trying to apprehend her during the events of Mad Space.

Assault on a minor: 1 case – while it’s ambiguous who specifically started the fight, the fact remains that she’s stolen Knuckles’s Master Emerald fragments, so even if Knuckles began the fight it’s to protect and reclaim his property.

Attempted grand larceny: 6 cases – maybe, if you squint, this could be part of her duties as a spy to sabotage the enemy, but it’s pretty clear she’s doing this because she wants the gemstones themselves.

Resisting arrest: 1 case – everyone was saving the world.

Total crimes committed: 292+ cases.

Total non-undercover crimes committed: 11 cases

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#2: Dr. Ivo “Eggman” Robotnik

Age: unknown (at least 60+)

Nationality: unknown (presumed United Federation)

Species: human

Was there ever any doubt? I mean, seriously, this man was the mastermind for most of the game and most of his robots commit 2 crimes each by just existing. For the rest of Team Dark, plotting to take over the world accounts for most of their crimes, but for Eggman… well let’s just say that’s just a footnote.

Counting up the total number of Eggman robots in Sonic Adventure 2, there are 9 in Egg Quarters, 43 in Hidden Base, 15 in Pyramid Cave, 18 in Death Chamber, 2 Egg Beetles, 1 Egg Golem, 1 Metal Sonic (in the multiplayer), 1 Egg Robo (in the multiplayer’s kart racing mode), 1 Egg Walker, and to top it all off that little custom pistol he has, for a grand total of 91 robots, mechs, and weapons. Just purely from making and using these weapons Eggman has committed:

Illegal weapons manufacturing: 1 case (yep, all 93+ weapons would fall under a singular case).

Animal cruelty: 84 cases.

Possession of unregistered firearm: 2 cases.

Usage of firearm without a licence: 1 case.

You read that right, 260 crimes just from Eggman’s gear – we haven’t even gotten to Eggman himself. Speaking of which:

Theft of government property: 4 cases – Eggman has stolen from the government: Gerald’s diary, the Jet Engine, and the Large Cannon. Also technically, he stole Shadow, who was made for the President and is/was thus United Federation property.

Entering a restricted military area: 3 cases – pretty simple, he assaults Prison Island twice, and takes over the ARK.

Burglary: 2 cases – Assaulted Prison Island twice, both times with full intent to commit a crime.

Destruction of government property: 84+ cases – As an absolute bare minimum (not counting Weapons Bed since everything there would get destroyed later on anyways), Eggman destroys:

36 G.U.N. security doors

4+ G.U.N. robots – 1+ in Iron Gate (implied, cutscene), 1 in Lost Impact (guards the elevator upwards, impossible to avoid without taking damage which I figured is too far beyond the realm of believability), 2+ in Weapons Bed (the + accounting for Eggman’s intent to cause a distraction)

2 wooden G.U.N. boxes

8 G.U.N.… storage silos? Empty missiles?

35 caged boxes

1 G.U.N. storage metal slider

6 metal G.U.N. boxes

That weird drill thing in Cosmic Wall

Complicit in assault: 1 case – stood by as Shadow attacked B-3x Hot Shot, even calling its destruction “spectacular”.

Aided & abetted unlawful escape from custody: 1 case.

Attempted grand larceny: 1 case – attempted to steal the Master Emerald from Knuckles even while knowing it’s not what he needs.

Desecration of archaeological ruins: 1 case – hidden his base inside of the nearby pyramids, including re-sculpting many of the statues to match his face.

Desecration of a graveyard: 1 case – yeah a pyramid is a tomb, and as the various Boos inside show, Eggman absolutely learnt that and continued with it.

Unlawful claim of territory: 1 case – the pyramids are, obviously enough, not actually Eggman’s, he just built a base inside of it.

Complicit in grand larceny: 1 case – didn’t make any attempt to take away Shadow’s Chaos Emerald, and even proceeded to collect more for Shadow’s plan.

Assault: 1 case – Eggman’s robots attack Rouge during Egg Quarters. I call it assault and not reckless endangerment, as the robots are clearly placed to keep people out of Eggman’s (illegal) base.

Aggravated assault with a lethal weapon: 13 cases – combine the assault and assault on a minor charges together, as Eggman uses weapons for all of them.

Assault with intent to kill: 13 cases – ditto.

Conspiracy to commit grand larceny: 2 cases.

Conspiracy to commit terrorism: 2 cases.

Conspiracy to commit usurpation: 201 cases – according to this graph, there are 201 recognised nations during the year 2001. While this list is not definitive, as the number of officially recognised nations varies depending on which nation you’re in (and 2001 is over 20 years ago), I am using it as the closest available estimate for how many there are in the Sonic canon version of Earth during Sonic Adventure 2.

Conspiracy to assault a government base: 1 case – self explanatory

Conspiracy to destroy a government base: 1 case.

Conspiracy to commit 1st degree mass murder: 1 case – those government soldiers on the base.

Aided & abetted grand larceny: 3 cases.

Aided & abetted destruction of government property: 246+ cases – at bare minimum, every robot that was present in Iron Gate & Weapons Bed would be added here. I will not count non-robot debris in these levels as their individual costs would be negligible regardless of if Eggman destroyed them personally or not. The true volume is likely higher. I counted a combined total of 66 robots in Iron Gate and 180 in Weapons Bed (not counting two robots that I had to destroy)

Aided & abetted 1st degree mass murder: 1 case – according to this website, the average number of military personnel assigned to a military base can vary from a few hundred to several thousand. Again, assuming best case scenario for Dr. Eggman, we’ll say this military base had 200 soldiers stationed (this should balance out its overall size and importance with this military’s reliance on using military drones for direct combat).

Aided & abetted destruction of a government base: 1 case.

Assault on a minor: 12 cases – attempts to kill Amy, Tails, Sonic, and Knuckles a total of 9 times throughout the campaign. In addition, his robots collectively attempt to kill them an additional 3 times collectively as they assault his base.

Attempted 2nd degree murder of a minor: 4 cases.

Attempted destruction of personal property: 2 cases – attacked Tails’s Tornado 2 – judging by the aftermath, he was seemingly unsuccessful. Same with the follow-up, where Tails was able to use the Tornado after his fight with Eggman regardless of who won.

Hijacking of radio channels: 1 case

Terrorism: 1 case

Mass destruction: 1 case – destroying the moon should have global ramifications, causing untold amounts of damage and death, alongside emotional torment en masse. Technically we can’t charge for the destruction of the moon in and of itself (besides the few spacecraft that have been left on the moon, which are negligible in comparison) as there are no laws against destroying the moon and it isn’t considered any nation’s property (if such a situation happened in real life a crime and a charge would likely be decided in the following court case, however we obviously lack the precedent to decide such a case), however the destruction to Earth that happened as a side-effect can be charged.

Mass manslaughter: 1 case – ditto to above.

Mass reckless endangerment: 1 case – ditto to above.

Mass emotional damages: 1 case – ditto to above.

Holding a hostage en masse: 1 case – According to this website, the population of the USA during 2001 is 285,470,493. Subtracting 1/25th to account for Alaska and Hawaii (a severe lowball) reduces that number to 274,051,673. This should be enough to qualify for a mass hostage situation.

Inducing public panic: 1 case.

Attempted usurpation: 1 case.

Coercion: 3 cases – attempts to make the President surrender to the Eggman Empire, makes Sonic go to him with the Chaos Emerald and give it to him, and attempts to convince Tails and Amy to give him the Chaos Emerald via threatening their lives (and, depending on the story being played, seemingly succeeds).

Stalking of a minor: 1 case – co-ordinates with Rouge and Eggman to track Tails’s location, with the intent of stealing his Chaos Emerald.

Uttering threats: 2 cases.

Attempted 1st degree murder of a minor: 9 cases (including the final room of Crazy Gadget).

Holding a hostage: 1 case.

Intimidation: 1 case – repeatedly emphasised that he will kill Amy while Sonic’s on his way to the meet up point.

Illegal usage of explosives: 1 case – tried to kill Sonic with one.

Grand larceny: 1 case – yeah, giving Eggman the benefit of the doubt, the only Chaos Emerald he conclusively stole in this game was at the very end of the main story, after fighting Tails.

Attempted terrorism: 1 case.

Resisting arrest: 1 case – everyone was saving the world.

Total crimes committed: 593+ cases.

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Now we can wrap up with- huh? What do you mean he was only #2? Oh… But then that means… #1 is…

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#1: The Population of Central City

Age: varies

Nationality: varies, typically United Federation

Species: varies, typically human

Congratulations on the combined population of Central City, by working together you all managed to commit so many crimes that you all collectively placed 1st! Wow, what an unsafe city! I’m going to break these up per stage to make it more digestible, but the totals will all be combined together.

City Escape

Road safety violations: 67 cases per day gone without being fixed – With a total of 16 roads sloped 45 degrees, 8 ramps plopped in the middle of the road, 31 abrupt 45 degree shifts in elevation, 10 crossroads without traffic lights, and 2 un-fenced cliff ends for roadways, the “City Escape” portion of Central City is a disaster.

Disability accessibility violations: 20 cases per day gone without being fixed – with 16 roads sloped 45 degrees, alongside 4 sets of stairs without an accessibility ramp, the disabled cannot navigate this city at all.

Traffic violations: 12 cases – now, since we want to avoid sentencing something ad infinitum, this specific violation requires an upper cap. So, I decided to use Mission 4’s time limit of 3 minutes to serve as that upper cap. There are a total of x stop signs that cars will just blatantly ignore and drive past. Starting at 1:18.19 and ending at 4:18.29, a total of 4 cars ignored the first stop sign. Assuming a similar pace for every stop sign that we can see cars violating it, the total value comes out to 4 stop signs and thus 12 violations.

Missing signs: 1 case per day gone without being fixed – there are three sections with “do not enter” signs leading into them, where the bulk of violations lie for non-road sections. However, these signs are only placed on one end (the entrance from Sonic’s perspective), making them all too easy for a clueless civiliation to enter from the back end, endangering themselves in the process. It’s also the reason these violations aren’t being removed, as it’s entirely feasible for someone to not realise that they’ve entered these areas.

Structural safety violations: 71 cases per day gone without being fixed – With 63 easily accessible dash panels (possibly more, I might have missed one during the GUN truck sequence with how fast that goes), 6 easily accessible drops without a protective fence (including the two road drops above as they’re also dangerous for pedestrians to be walking near), and 2 springs in accessible locations, it’s a blatant hazard for anyone to be walking about. This is both assuming the 45 degree slopes aren’t considered hazardous for able-bodied people and ignoring the final on foot area, as both ends are labelled well enough to feasibly indicate it’s off limits (presumably for plans on changing the construction).

Improperly placed signs: 1 case – the above mentioned fence has a “do not enter” sign and 3 “pass under” signs on the same side of the exact same fence. No matter what, their placement is contradictory.

Radical Highway

Road safety violations: like a bajillion cases – the road is clearly under construction, so it being unsuitable for driving is excusable. We can’t charge them for safety violations…

OSHA violations: 63 cases – That’s right baby, we’re charging them for OSHA violations! No means to get to the construction site (1), higher entrance is accessible only via blatantly hazardous means (spring, pulley, etc.) (11), no means to get to another area of the construction site (2), easily accessible drop without adequate guard rails (temporary or otherwise) (33), unguarded rockets (3), and accessible giant roller without guard rails (3).

Unsafe road construction: 13 cases – a 45 degree slope was built into the road 7 times, a loop-de-loop was built into the road 4 times, corkscrew built into the road 2 times.

Mission Street

Road safety violations: 2 cases – 2 instances of the road just ending. The rest at least seem to be clearly inaccessible to civilians, so…

OSHA violations: 18 cases – given the same aesthetic and the fact the road’s all sorts of messed up, I’m assuming this is also a road construction. As such, there are no means to exit the construction site (2), high falls without sufficient handrails (temporary or otherwise) (11), no means to access another section of the construction site (1), higher entrance is accessible only via blatantly hazardous means (spring, pulley, etc.) (3), unguarded rockets (1).

Route 101

For this stage and route 280, I’m assuming them having no support railing underneath at all is purely an abstraction born from the fact that these games are from 2001, since otherwise they’d instantly fall down as they’re not attached to anything for immensely long periods.

Road safety violations: 2 cases – there’s 1 ramp on the road, and 1 45 degree slope… it’s… Well, not perfect, but believably illegal. Insanity.

Route 280

Road safety violations: 12 cases – ah, here’s the cartoon level of safety violations. Straight up 5 massive holes in the road, 2 ramps in the road, 3 parts of the road without any walls to avoid driving off the bridge, and 2 45 degree slopes.

Total crimes committed: 652 cases collectively.

Total number of citizens: 782,223 (presumed, based on the population of San Francisco circa 2001)

Average of cases per citizen: 0.0008 per citizen (rounded down)

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In conclusion.

…

Central City is an unsafe disaster and every major character is a wanted criminal.

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CREDITS:

The whole document: Numbug

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#Sonic Adventure 2 #Knuckles the Echidna #Amy Rose #Big the Cat #Professor Gerald Robotnik #Sonic the Hedgehog #Miles “Tails” Prower #Shadow the Hedgehog #Rouge the Bat #Dr. Ivo “Eggman” Robotnik

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reclusiarch-orm · 11 days ago

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Vagueposting someone you have blocked is dishonorable behaviour ngl. Either it's fight openly or NO fight! You never hear of it when i fall out with someone because after i block them i shan't ever refer to them again. Vaguely or not. Because they cannot see it and therefore it's unfair.

Like talking about someone in DMs is fine that's normal human gossip but vagueposting and attacking someone openly who is never gonna see it.... why? what is the point there? virtue signalling ad infinitum.

the behaviour just looks like, you want to propagate your impression of that person to others, but you don't want them to be able to contradict you. you don't want them to be able to defend themselves or clear a misunderstanding up. because your comfort or whatever. but it's god damn dishonorable. why do people feel entitled to maintain their own comfort and STILL engage in the "fight"? pick one for fuck's sake.

if you block someone because you don't like them, then you've removed them from your feed. remove them from your mind also. this shit is silly

#i get doing it once immedeately after the incident #but like #consistently? bro #brother sister my love whatever #let it go or unblock them and play out the fight you clearly want but are too cowardly to actually have #fighting without being hit back isn't fighting it's just being a little rumour and slander mill #goofy as fuck #vagueposting

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tallyhallfacts · 2 months ago

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Tally Hall Fact!:

After running a poll¹, I decided to read the comic Evil Hall.

Evil Hall was not good. I feel as though I have to preface this with a personal anecdote.

Once on a cold early April morning, I set out to my local Goodwill with the intent of purchasing a digital camcorder (to replace my old one that died of a torn ribbon cable). Unfortunately, there were none available; however I still left with a large haul. Amongst my universal remote, Xbox 360 games, and books, there was a “Special Edition” copy of the Adam Sandler movie Click. I purchased it with the intent of having it on display, because of its infamy.

Later that day, out of sheer boredom, I decided to actually watch the movie. Upon inserting the DVD into my computer, and navigating the menus, I had begun to watch the movie. In sheer horror, I stared upon the screen, eyes glazed, due to the utter lack of humour. The entire movie was Adam Sandler trying to be funny, and failing at it, ad infinitum for an entire hour. An hour that I could have been doing anything else with, but alas I wasted on watching this movie. I did not laugh, chuckle, giggle, or anything like it similar throughout the entire movie.

I would deem it one of the least funny pieces of “humorous” media I have ever watched, yet somehow Evil Hall has managed to dethrone this highly coveted spot. I admit that I will laugh at literally anything, but reading Evil Hall was like watching a train crash and explode before my very eyes.

The premise of “Tally Hall but evil” is comical as a standalone bit, but this entire comic was that premise dragged through a bottomless pit of burning coal and rusty nails for a millennia. I cannot fathom an apt set of words to describe how much I hated having to read Evil Hall. It is an incompletable task within the bounds of human language.

In my will, I have a clause stipulating that my hypothetical next of kin should reread Evil Hall, and figure out if there is a good way to put into words how much I did not like reading this accursed comic.

Evil Hall is not a good comic.

[1]: Refer to https://www.tumblr.com/tallyhallfacts/785285095570456577/tally-hall-fact-i-would-like-to-make-it-clear-i

#tally hall #tallyhall #realtallyhallfact

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andyartworks · 8 months ago

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#my art #digital art #my oc art #my oc #oc #practice art #practice #ad infinitum wb #sketches #sketch art #practice sketches #drawn with reference #reference used

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burningvelvet · 2 years ago

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Some thoughts on the topic of Byronism, Byronic Heroes, Byron himself, and Mr. Darcy, Mr. Rochester, and their respective authors...

This was inspired after I was tagged in a post (thank you @bethanydelleman !) asking whether Mr. Darcy should be considered a Byronic Hero or not. I start with my response before delving off, but I refer back at the end and it all ties in.

On Mr. Darcy: to Byronic, or not to Byronic? That is the question...

Whether or not Mr. Darcy should be considered a Byronic Hero is a complex question, as is the concept of the Byronic Hero itself.

I think there two versions of Darcy, and general pop culture tends to conflate them. There is Misunderstood Darcy (pre-"redemption" arc; aka what many think of him pre-Elizabeth's discovery of his true personality) and then there is True Darcy (post-"redemption" arc; "oh he's not rude, just socially awkward and proud"). Misunderstood Darcy has aspects of the Byronic, whereas True Darcy isn't Byronic at all.

Is Darcy Byronic? I recognize that he has Byronic elements that would make the general populace view him as Byronically aligned, so it doesn't bother me too much if people call him such, but without fully going into the debateable qualifications of the Byronic Hero, I don't think he is truly Byronic.

My interpretation of "Byronic" as a concept:

"Byronic" is not an easily defined term. A lot of academics have their own preferred methods of classifying the Byronic and there is no one fixed definition or interpretation. "Byronic" originally referred, of course, to the themes and tropes presented in the characters of Byron, who was one of the best-selling and most influential writers of the 1800s.

However, even applying the term "Byronic" solely to Byron's own corpus is an act of over-generalization. Many of Byron's purported "Byronic Heroes" are drastically different from each other or have little in common, as Byronist Peter Cochran noted in his review of Atara Stein's "The Byronic Hero in Film, Fiction and Television" (https://petercochran.files.wordpress.com/2012/07/stein-green-lapinski-ii.pdf).

I believe there are two main types of Byronic Hero: the Broad Byronic and the Byronist's Byronic.

The Broad Byronic is the modern pop cultural conception of Byronism which has been applied to practically every rebellious anti-hero. You can find thousands of articles analyzing why thousands of characters are or aren't Byronic, from Jack Sparrow to Batman to Luke Skywalker and ad infinitum. If you try hard enough, anything can be Byronic.

The Byronist's Byronic is like the Orthodox Byronic, the more traditional sense of the term. Academics who take the stritcer Byronist's Byronic approach mainly focus on Byron's direct literary descendants, like the Brontës and Pushkin, who were thoroughly obsessed with Byron and whose works/characters are directly and obviously inspired by Byron's own works. Heathcliff and Eugene Onegin are the most commonly cited examples and are Byronic by all standards.

Over time, "Byronic" has taken on a life of its own, leading to what I dubbed as "the Broad Byronic." I personally believe there is sort of a Byronic spectrum wherein I would place Heathcliff on one end and maybe Mr. Rochester on the other, considering his salvation plotline, which I feel is huge to his character and which Heathcliff lacks (as he openly declares at the end, he has no regrets for his actions).

Peter Cochran's interpretation of the Byronic Hero

Peter Cochran was a writer, professor, & one of the best Byronists (scholars of Byron) & I often defer to his opinion. His website is a haven for Byronism. His interpretation of the Byronic Hero is very much representative of the orthodox Byronist's Byronic.

In his essay "Byron's 'Turkish Tales': An Introduction," Cochan provides a brief analysis of the Byronic Hero, which I have sectioned out the most relevant parts of:

"Much has been written about him; what few writers say is that he has so many facets that it's misleading to treat him as a single archetype. [..] The Byronic hero is a human dead-end. He is never successful as a warrior or as a politician [..] he is never successful as a lover. [..] The Byronic Hero is never a husband, never a father, and never a teacher [..] He bequeaths nothing to posterity, and his life ends with him. He is to be contrasted with the Shakespearean tragic hero, who has to be something potentially life-affirming, such as a father (Lear) or a witty conversationalist (Hamlet) or a great soldier (Macbeth, Coriolanus, Antony) or a lover (Romeo, Antony). If they were not such excellent people, their stories would not be tragic. The Byronic Hero is not tragic: he's just a failure, and leads on to the Superfluous Man of Russian literature - as Pushkin demonstrated, when he created the Byronically-fixated Eugene Onegin. [..] The Byronic Hero must never be witty, or be brought in contact with a critical intelligence [..] if he were, his tale would lose its imagined grandeur [..] In his gloom, failure, and rejection of humour The Byronic Hero aligns not with the heroes of Shakespearean tragedy but with the villains of Shakespearean comedy: Shylock, Malvolio, and Jacques. [..] I would suggest that The Byronic Hero is either a closet gay, or a poorly-adjusted bisexual - a problem that Byron would have known all about."

On Mr. Rochester and Mr. Darcy

In his introduction to Charlotte Bronte's Jane Eyre: Modern Critical Interpretations, legendary literary critic Harold Bloom explained that Mr. Rochester is Charlotte Brontë taking the Byronic Hero, killing him, and then rebirthing him. I fully agree with Bloom's interpretation:

"[Rochester's] transformation heralds the death of the Byronic hero [..] Rochester is, in this sense, a pivotal figure; marking the transition from the Romantic to the modern hero [..]"

I would argue that what Austen does to Mr. Darcy is a lighter, pre-Byronic attempt at doing what Brontë did with her transformation of the Byronic in Mr. Rochester. Women growing to sympathize with rude men and then (directly or indirectly) inspiring them to change for the better. Women taking the Byronic and not just going "I can fix him," but instead "I'll tell him off, and then maybe he'll fix himself." Like Darcy, Rochester has two versions, pre-redemption and post-redemption. This is not Byronic, but their pre-redemption selves are, with Mr. Rochester being much, much more so than Darcy, and being considered an archetypal Byronic Hero (rightfully so in my opinion, his come-to-God ending aside).

Also, what Darcy and Rochester are redeemed for differs greatly; I'm not equating their moral or personal failures, and I know that Rochester clearly has more of them (if any anti-Rochester, pro-Darcy fan is out there, pls don't kill me for comparing them).

On Austen and Byron:

Austen started writing P&P when Byron was 8-years-old, so she definitely wasn't influenced by the actual Byron in creating Mr. Darcy. However, Austen did read Byron's work later on, or at least his poem The Corsair, which was his best-selling work at the time and which is one of his most cliché "Byronic" works. She did write some works, like Emma and Persuasion, after reading The Corsair, but I haven't read these yet and I'm not the biggest Austen scholar, so I don't know if she was ever actually influenced by Byron or not. I'm positive that people have analyzed this before. Lots has been written on Austen/Byron. They also shared a publisher, though they never met.

On Byronic (the writer) VS Byronic (the writer's characters):

To further confuse us, "Byronic" by its literal definition can refer to the Byronic Hero OR Byronic as in Byron the Man. Many conflate these things, but they are separate. This adds to the case of the Broad Byronic. Many of Byron's contemporaries created characters that were direct and obvious tributes or parodies of him, including Mary Shelley's The Last Man, Percy Shelley's Julian and Maddalo, and Thomas Love Peacock's Nightmare Abbey. They all knew Byron personally. Mary Shelley openly put Byron into several of her novels, as explained in "Byron and Mary Shelley" by Ernest Lovell Jr. and "Unnationalized Englishmen in Mary Shelley's Fiction" by William Brewer. Other notable examples of this are Caroline Lamb's Glenarvon (Lamb was Byron's ex) and Dr. John Polidori's The Vampyre (Polidori was Byron's doctor) in which both titular characters were/are clearly known by readers to be caricatures of Byron. The Vampyre was the first vampire novel, and was not only a caricature of Byron but also based on Byron's short story Augustus Darvell. So all modern "Byronic" vampires, including Dracula, are really Byronic as in Byron the Man, although they sometimes may overlap with the Byronic Hero. As I said, easily confusing!

As many academics (and Lord Byron himself) have noted, many of Byron's fans wrongly conflated his characters with himself. Although many of Byron's works were indeed semi-autobiographical, he himself said that they were not intended as actual depictions of himself, and that he was annoyed when people thought so. Many fans who met him would write they were shocked to find he was nothing like the Byronic Heroes of his works. He was humorous, he smiled often, he was somewhat of a dandy and much of a rake (self-confessedly), he was an aristocrat, he was considered by many to be effeminate, etc. -- all elements that are not typically expected of the Byronic Hero.

In reference to his drama The Deformed Transformed (which contains the characters Satan and Caesar) Mary Shelley wrote to him in a letter:

"The Critics, as they used to make you a Childe Harold, Giaour, & Lara all in one, will now make a compound of Satan & Caesar to form your prototype, & your 600 firebrands in Murray's hands will be in costume." [John Murray was Byron's publisher]

Here, Mary mentions how many of Byron's readers expected him to be just like his characters Harold, Giaour, & Lara, who fans assumed were his self-insert characters, as they each had strong similarities. However, these characters were more similar to "alter-egos" than actual "self-portraits." My personal interpretation is that Byron was writing these very similar dark anti-heroes and villains in order to channel the darker aspects of his subconscious, or what Jung would call his Shadow Self, to try to purge or subdue it. Though he lived before the field of psychology officially existed, Byron was very interested in all things psychological, and he used his writing as a method of self-therapy (see: Touched with Fire written by psychologist Kay Jamison, which contains one of the most thorough & reliable psychoanalyses of him).

As Bloom explains in the essay I mentioned, and as countless other academics have explained, Charlotte Brontë and many other women in the early 1800s were obsessed with Byron and his works. Byron's English-speaking fan base has always been primarily female, especially in the beginning of his career. Byron's fans wrote him letters revealing their differing interpretations of him and his Byronic Heroes (but again, most didn't really differentiate between the two).

Likewise, I think the Brontë sisters may have conflated Byron with his Byronic Heroes. Mr. Rochester is such a strong example of Byron the Man and has so many similarities to him that when reading Jane Eyre I felt like I was reading Lord Byron fanfiction. It's clear that Charlotte Brontë was familiar with his biography. For example (one of countless), in chapter 17 Rochester sings what he calls "a Corsair song" -- as I mentioned earlier, The Corsair was one of Byron's greatest hits, and Jane Eyre is set around the time The Corsair was published, and Byron also wrote songs and was also known for his good voice.

Although the Brontë sisters were each influenced by him, they took their own individual spins on the Byronic, and their works reveal the dynamicism of these themes. In my opinion, Emily employs the Byronist's Byronic most raw and faithfully (and maybe even takes it further), Charlotte punishes, redeems, and transforms the Byronic with much influence from Byron the Man, and Anne presents the Byronic most critically and realistically, asking "what if the Byronic Hero were real, and really got married -- what would that look like?" and having perhaps the most (Broadly) Byronic heroine ever, who is also later redeemed by the end, and has her veil of Byronic mystery removed much like Darcy did.

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