#I am…. so tired… of talking to people…and needing to repeat myself constantly….

[remturtle]

Heartbreaking: local silly guy has to attend several professional appointments in one day!!! When will the injustice end?!?

[stealingyourbones]

Danny, being a halfa, falls under the strange category of people who can converse with the dead and act in their names. Most mediums simply convey messages. It was rare for someone to be able to fulfill a ghost’s dying request and have that act tied to the ghost’s core.

Honestly it’s annoying.

He doesn’t get any alone time anymore for homework or hobbies. The dead are constantly pestering Danny to help with their desires - which, sure, it helps them move on which means they’re out of Danny’s hair, but come on!! Give a guy a break! Just because he doesn’t need as much sleep as a fully living person doesn’t mean he can go without entirely!

“No Scott,” Danny repeated for the fifth time, “I am not flying to California tonight. Do you know how far that is? Literally the other coast of this massive continent. Meet me there in August like everyone else on the list.”

Spending the first spring break of college creating a map and calendar for Last Rites was not something Danny expected when he moved to Gotham.

Why did this city have so many ghosts?! It was ridiculous. And he thought Amity Park was bad? At least the ghosts here were mostly Shades. Not visible to anyone unless they were also dead-adjacent or had The Sight or a bloodline curse or a magical amulet… you know what? There were enough of those in this curse ridden city, why couldn’t these ghosts go find one of those people instead? Danny was exhausted.

So exhausted he didn’t notice the vigilante dropping down from the rooftop.

“Hey there kid, you alri-”

“Yeah yeah,” Danny waved a hand dismissively at the voice without looking up. “Wait in line like everyone else. But honestly you’d be better off coming back tomorrow when I’ve had some sleep.”

“Think maybe you outta get started on that sleep now, bud?” the voice behind him spoke in a calm careful tone.

One Danny had heard all too often since dying.

His head jerked sideways to stare wide-eyed at Nightwing, who tensed just a little as if expecting Danny to run or fight. Instead he let out a groan and slumped onto the park bench, rubbing his eyes to ease the burn of fatigue. He’d been coming out to this park at the corner of campus each night to keep the Shades from mobbing him all day long in classes, but they’d spread the word around Gotham that he was here and his precious spring break had become a non-stop line of requests and arguments. Made sense he’d caught the attention of one of the Bats. Should have expected it sooner.

Danny ignored all the voices around him and looked at Nightwing directly as he prattled off his usual list when someone caught him talking to thin air.

“No, I’m not hallucinating. I got all my Rogue Gallery immunizations the day I checked onto campus. I’m not schizophrenic. The only meds I take are for adhd and the occasional Tylenol. I’m not a danger to myself or others. Unless they attack me first.”

Nightwing nodded along, but tilted his head at the end.

“I’m talking to the dead,” Danny answered the unspoken question in a tired monotone, waiting for the usual skepticism or plea for help with lost loved ones.

“Oh. Okay then.”

“What?” That wasn’t expected.

“No yeah, that makes sense.”

Danny was sure his jaw was on the ground. “You… you believe me?”

“Well sure,” the hero shrugged and chuckled. “I can’t see ghosts myself but I know a couple magicians who work with one, and my little brother Robin has a ghost on his team - she’s actually visible most of the time so I don’t know if that’s a special skill or something else going on. But I’m glad you’re okay and don’t need any emergency medication. I know a couple 24 hour pharmacies that would help but it’s nice when they’re not needed. We don’t get a lot of mediums around Gotham holding court at night so you really can’t fault me for checking in.”

Danny was still floating in the relief of not being questioned or doubted. That hadn’t happened since Jazz found out his secret. She’d had plenty of questions about his halfa status, of course, but never called him crazy for talking to things others couldn’t see. Even Sam and Tucker would forget sometimes and give him strange looks before realizing he was dealing with a Shade, Wisp, or Memory.

He didn’t realize he was wobbling until Nightwing’s arms shot out to stabilize him.

Danny blinked up at the pretty face that was trying not to chuckle, held by strong arms, and so far past tired he might be getting delirious after all because his brain seemed to have lost its filter and he said out loud,

“You actually believe me. I think I love you.”

Then the horrifying embarrassment hit at the same time as Nightwing’s laughter. Which… sounded delighted rather than mean spirited?

“Well now it’s your turn to wait in line, cuz that’s the fourth confession I’ve had this week!” They both devolved into snorts and giggles, Danny still relying on those arms for balance, but when they’d caught their breath the vigilante said, “Come on, you’ve really got to get some sleep. I’ll walk you back to your dorm.”

Ignoring the whispers and grumbles of the Shades was easier with someone walking beside him.

This is so incredibly cute oml. It’s so rare to see the bats actually go with the flow and god it isn’t done enough. 12/10 immaculate, glorious.

The entire plot I can see so clearly in my mind dude:

Danny chatting to Nightwing as they walk to his dorm

Nightwing asking some casual questions about ghosts and Danny asking about vigilante work.

Nightwing informs the Bats of Danny as he might be a valuable asset in the future.

Nightwing helps free shades with Danny and he realizes why Danny is so incredibly tired all the time.

Nightwing managing to stumble into Danny every day of his break, slowly getting to know each other more and more and becoming really good friends (perhaps lovers 👀).

Wonderful stuff man ty for the ask!

[justthoughtseeee]

One more.

"One more petal", they say

"Just one more, one more",

I add another dark red petal, to the collection of petals.

"Another", and I repeat, following up with another petal, and all the petals suddenly wilt, returning to dust as if they were nothing at all.

If I keep adding petals, one day will it be enough? Will it fully show, how much I care?

I wonder to myself how I became so distant in a world full of people.

Beautiful people that could be just like me, people that stay silent, despite how much they want to speak. But once they do speak, feel the need to hide back into their shell.

Knowing they love to talk, but don't know what to tell.

The people who are wrongully judged, yet harm nobody.

A big part of me wants to be like the people who are well known, the ones who always have that 'somebody'.

But then I realize how the hurt felt. They treat you like a chalk outline of a body.

How much have I let the dark in, to the point it has shaped who I was?

Parts of myself, I carefully have to fix, while those I love and cherish continue that path of holding the sharp edges of glass, to a beautiful vase?

I'm a puppet, and also the puppeteer of myself. Changing each string, until it sings beautifully at my fingertips.

A melody promoting peace, as harmony speaks through my lips

Something I say feels always wrong to speak, sometimes I wonder how much it's just been on my head.

So much left unsaid.

A part of me has forgotten how to talk.

Where should I start?

Am I being too much, too little?

What can I say without feeling like I should immediately run away?

My emotions are like an alchemists bottle, full of chemicals, constantly mixing, full of a variety of emotions.

My brain brings in thoughts like a phone notification, if my brain was art it would look a lot like that one cluttered drore every house stores, full of life's daily commotions

I've become comfortable in silence for so long, I've grown used to being alone, it is so tiring, but sometimes I get out of my shell, and realize everything might be fine.

I hear about my family, and friends. The wonderful things they get to experience, and I get to hear about. Smiling, wondering why I didn't realize how beautiful life can be sometimes.

After all, how can a rose truly be a rose, without all of the thorns?

[skinamarinky]

oh and regarding the drama with the 50 yr old man at work. gonna try to keep it simple

backstory: one of my closest friends has known this man for over 20 years, knows a lot about him, therefore i know a lot about him and his situations

monday - my friend is talking to me a lot, this man keeps mumbling "shut the fuck up already" and "do you ever shut the fuck up". this pissed me off badly, so after a while i was like "do you have something you need to say?" and he was like "what?" so i said " do. you. have. something. to. say. to. him?" and he got quiet and said "no it's fine". he was silent the rest of the day

wednesday - we arrive at work. man apologizes for monday, says he had an argument with his roommate (a close friend of my close friend) and that he carried his anger to work. he then accuses his roommate of some pretty foul shit that was obviously not true (he lies constantly and they're usually pretty dramatic).

i immediately call my friend to tell him. he calls the roommate, who goes to my friend's house, and then they call me and i repeat the story. roommate goes off on man, and instantly he knows i passed his accusation along. he then proceeds to stare me down, pissed as fuck, for 15 straight minutes. multiple coworkers noticed and told me about this, and i noticed myself of course. immediately insanely uncomfortable, and i decide im gonna leave. start cleaning my shit up. he finally says "that was a LOW blow, a really low blow" and i said "you came in here to a room full of people and accused your friend and roommate of foul shit, that's not okay" and he said " i should be able to come to work and talk to people" and i said no, you can't just accuse people of shit like that, that's sick" and then i left. went outside to talk to my assistant manager (wonderful woman). minutes later, man appears and says he "needs to go take care of some shit". manager says "are you coming back?" and he said "if im alive" then left

since he left, i just took a 15 and went back to work

i am too tired to continue this story right now more tomorrow ..

[langdonmd]

i thought i was getting better, but i couldn't have been more wrong. i'm constantly hypervigilant, i dissociate, i have nightmares, i panic at the slightest trigger, i feel like i'm a problem and an annoyance. i'm so tired. i feel like an utter failure right now. i know healing isn't linear, that there will be times where it'll get bad again, and yet i'm mad at myself for not having the strength to fight the thoughts, to fight the trauma responses. i know it's stupid, especially given my physical health is bad and not helping, but the thoughts...

it's always that little voice at the back of my head that repeats over and over how i'm a failure, i'm unloveable, i'm a burden, i'm an annoyance. and i don't have the strength to fight it. i know it's linked to my ptsd and right now it's bad. therapy has made me cry more in the past few weeks than it has in months because i'm realising things and because it's bad, it's just bad.

so i shut down, i hide, i make myself as little as possible. because i don't know what else to do. i get triggered so easily that i feel like i'll just be a burden if it happens during a conversation. i barely go outside because the hypervigilance is so bad, i'm so tense that my muscles are sore afterwards. and then there's that voice that doesn't leave me alone so to avoid being any of the things it tells me i am, i just stay away from people. i cannot annoy them if i don't talk to them, right?

people expect trauma to have made me strong and often it's the case, but sometimes — like right now — i don't feel strong. truth is i need a hug and/or reassurance because i'm tired and i cannot fight the voice, i cannot fight the trauma. i'm not strong, i don't feel strong. i feel exhausted and alone. my own fault for feeling alone, but i don't dare to ask for reassurance. i'm too scared to do it.

sometimes i wonder what did i do to deserve this? and there's no answer. there's never an answer...

[pjplayground]

Symptoms of Me (vent post... kinda)

So, my mental health has been kicking my ass as of late. I haven't been feeling the best, and lately I've been beat to shit by my autistic symptoms.

So how did I vent? With Meet the Robinsons, of course. Because I feel so connected to Lewis/Cornelius, I headcanon that he experiences my symptoms as well.

I drew Neil displaying how my symptoms/trauma manifests. They're all just little doodles. I think it's important for people to see from multiple perspectives when it comes to mental health (especially neurodivergency) because everyone's symptoms manifest differently. I've wanted to make a post like this for a while, so... here you go.

This is me. (cw: brief mentions of trauma/abusive relationships)

I space out a lot. Often times I'll get lost in my daydreams, so much so that hours could pass by and I wouldn't have a clue. This happens a lot, actually. It's the reason why I'm only able to get one artwork done a day, because I constantly space out. Another little symptom displayed here is my fidgeting. As I write this post I am bouncing my leg.

Wanna know a physical sign of autism? Toe walking! I do this a lot. I do it because carpets and hardwood floors feel weird to walk on. If I don't have my house shoes or socks on, I'll toe walk everywhere.

Music is how I connect with the world. That's why I get inspired by music so often. Since I can't formulate my words on the topic of my feelings, music is how I do that. Music helps me understand myself by putting complex things I don't understand into simple to sing along to verses.

On the topic of music, it gets stuck in my head. Easily. I can put a song on loop for five hours straight and I would never get bored of it. When I go to bed, the song will play in my head, and I'll get excited because I can listen to it again in the morning. Because songs get stuck in my head so often, I would mumble under my breath the lyrics as a tick. The same could be said for my ticks in general. Small phrases or words will repeat in my head over and over again, and I'll say them aloud. Recently, "he's tired" has been on repeat for me. I don't know why.

Wanna know ANOTHER physical sign of autism? Frequent constipation/irregular and incomplete bowel movements. I am definitely guilty of this. I've been taking fiber gummies, but it's only helped a little bit. I still go over a week without going number two. This might be a bit TMI, but this is one reason why it was super difficult for my parents to potty train me. It would hurt to go, and therefore I wouldn't wanna do it. My parents weren't particularly... nice, about potty training me. I have trauma from it. Speaking of...

Because of trauma, I HATE using toilets. This kind of ties into my age regression as a coping mechanism a bit. For multiple reasons, I wish I had a better childhood. So, I regress to a mental space where I'm a happy kid. If I'm being honest? There are some days where I wish I could just go in a plastic potty and not use the toilet. Because of the trauma from potty training, yes, but also because they're loud. Loud noises suck.

Emotions? I don't understand them. To me, it's just noise. I see no reason for them, and I hate them. But it's only because I don't understand them, and this includes my own emotions. There are times where I'm crying, and I have no idea why I'm crying. I'll tell myself there's no need for me to cry here, and I'd curse myself for being "weak", when I'm just being human. I'd judge others for getting angry, because to me, it's so easy to just suppress everything and look at things logically. I had to teach myself empathy recently, because I didn't get it when I was younger.

I freeze when I'm in conflict. I remember everytime I'd get in trouble with my dad (he was emotionally abusive), I'd just sit there and cry, with the words stuck in my throat. I couldn't get them out, no matter how hard I tried. He'd yell at me and tell me to talk, and it would frustrate him when I wouldn't listen to him, and he'd just tell me off more. He didn't realize I was shutting down due to my autism (which was undiagnosed at the time - and still is because the American healthcare system sucks). It was hell. To this day, if I'm ever in a conflict, the words get stuck in my throat.

In general, my relationship with food is negative. I avoid certain foods like the plague because they trigger my very sensitive gag reflex. Most of the time it's a texture issue. That's why I have my comfort foods. They textures and tastes are perfect! You'll notice that they're mostly warm foods. These foods warm me up in a way I really like; It's a pleasant feeling. Box mac n' cheese is my all time favorite comfort food, too. I like it a specific way: It has to be the Kraft brand with the spiral pasta, and I like it with a little bit of extra milk. It makes it creamier. By the way, I don't know why I drew that burger with cheese, because I actually like my burgers plain. Just burger and bun (same with hot dogs).

I'll be okay. Just going through a rough patch right now. I have a new AU idea for MtR that I'll explain. Eventually.

[babblable]

So, I'm not deaf(?), but I just bought some hearing amplifiers because I'm poor and tired and figured I needed *something* to tide me over until I talk to my doctor on the 5 of August. Why did I do this? Well, over the years of my life I have suffered a lot of trauma, from my mother screaming at me for "ignoring" her and asking "what?" too much- to teachers doing the same thing for the same reason, all the way up til now, as an adult in a safe environment with unfortunately declining health in various ways due to childhood neglect, still asking those questions but getting affirmed with a repeated answer or a gentle "did you hear me?" Followed by a repeated answer if I responded to that with "no"! But!!! Because I've been able to hear 75% of things- level and quality of hearing those things having constantly been claimed unimportant by the adults throughout my childhood- I've just come to believe that my hearing is Fine and I'm just "being difficult".

Apparently, that was wrong and I only found this out because I work at a call center now and before a couple days ago, we shared desks.

And my deskmate? A small little elderly lady with no problems with her hearing.

I noticed one day that she always had the volume turned to half on the phone. Meanwhile, me, believing that my hearing Totally and Completely Fine, had to turn the phone volume to MAX and I STILL struggled to hear the customers who'd call in.

After a week of this, I decided "fuck it" and bought a pair of hearing amps on a whim.

Y'all when I say I was blown away by the fact that the world is so much more noisy, I wasn't joking.

I thought that there was Silence outside when I'd pick up delivery orders, outside of the occasional car passing by of course.

But no. No no. My best friend, @chuubifrog, had to tell me that Silence Does Not Exist when I asked him about it and that the humming I was hearing now when going outside is a mixture of the wind, the cars from the highway which is more than 500ft from our house, the entire neighborhoods A/C units, a wind chime from a neighbor down the street and a cricket somewhere nearby.

"W. what the fuck do you MEAN there is no Silence???"

"I'm honestly surprised you've experienced Silence at all. This is what the world sounds like."

"no fucking wonder everyone's always so angry."

I ALSO LEARNED that SODA fizz makes a noise! That I was always thought of as being aggressive or giving an attitude because it sounded like I was slamming things when really, I THOUGHT I was being GENTLE based off the noise of what I was "slamming".

I learned that the dog we have isn't just annoying to hear scrambling throughout the house bc of his nails, but downright painful to hear. I learned that the vents at work are so loud I can't hear myself think very well and I'm m surprised that we all manage to speak over it.

I learned that the reason my mother and other people I live with tell me to turn things down so often is because I couldn't hear it unless it was loud, and that it was REALLY disruptive to everyone else!

I learned that my phone is fine, actually! It's NOT busted because I had to talk to people on speaker and have it close to ears to hear it on max volume! I just couldn't hear in general.

And so, I realize now that so many issues I had growing up would have been so easily solved if the adults around me had bothered to listen when I said "I can sort of hear it...(But not very well)" or "I can't hear it.." instead of playing the noise again and making me "focus" on it really hard, often times resulting in their increased anger when the answer remained the same, I chose to lie to please them or they gave up, claimed I was being difficult and marked me as having perfect hearing.

I walk a line, apparently. And that line is "not enough to be marked as disabled, but too disabled have good quality of life without aid". It isn't the phrasing I wanted, but it's what my brain could put together.

And I am now conflicted between the euphoria of being able to hear all the things that I couldn't hear before, being overloaded sensory-wise and sadness as I sit here wondering why it took 26 years of abuse, neglect, a safer environment, an elderly coworker sharing my desk and a really cheap set of knock off hearing aids for me to realize that I'm hard of hearing.

I'm choosing to see the bright side, but I'm also going to ask my doctor about it on the 5th.

For anyone else who may think they might be HOH because of similar reasons, try out a cheap set of hearing amplifiers from Walmart or something. If you can hear the wind or the soda fizz with them on after years of Silence, then you should ask your doctor about the subject.

[adambja]

Hi Adam

I don't know why I'm telling you this to be honest hehe,but as my fav blogger I want to ask you for advice.

So I discovered the law last two years and for 8 months I tried using subliminals each one month but no matter how hard I stuck to one subliminal it never gave me results.

Then last year I read motivation on loa and all in other bloggers post but I never manifested anything no matter how hard I tried,I tried to be the creator of my reality,I pretended to be living my dream life even though I was broke asf and my family was suffering,ppl called me stupid but I didn't care,even when I never got results I believed it would come soon,I literally kept convincing myself for a year,I worked so hard but nothing happened,I never Manifested anything,and then I heard about the void state,I didn't believed in it but then I saw success stories and I believed it immensely,I thought there's still hope for me,for months I suffered but I pushed through and tried to get into the void state every day and every night,I worked on my self concept,I applied the law in every way but then nothing happened and then my dad fell ill,I was worried and I kept affirming to manifest his health,I affirmed in tears and I was fed up.i wanted to pay you for a custom tape because I thought it might help me but then I had no cent on me,so I could only keep affirming and affirming but nothing happened and then my mum died,she couldn't keep up with all of these,I had no siblings so yeah,then the dad died too.but I still didn't give up I didn't want to but it's useless,right now when I see any blogger giving ppl motivation,it annoys the hell outta me,I know I might be wrong but the law never helped me so now I'm gonna be sent to an orphanage home tomorrow in which girls are constantly molested each time,I literally pass by and see guys trying to touch them and I don't wanna go there please I need your advice,I'm tired of all these you are the creator speeches it's annoying to be honest,I wouldn't say I didn't try enough because I did extremely well,my phone is the only thing supporting me right now pls I need you to tell me what to do,it was my dad's gift to me on Christmas,he worked so hard to buy me one.ive tried every method possible

Most of y'all think you've had it bad??? I've faced worse,I don't even have access to my own house because of my fucking family members y'all give up immediately you try something

I tried for over 2 years but I never got anywhere and I need help,I'm going insane,if there's anything you can do to help me please do if there isn't then it's okay

First of all

My name isn't Adam it's adambja baby it's A GIRL HERE AND THIS IS WHAT I CALL A TRAUMA DUMPING THAT'S it

I didn't read anything because I am about to sleep I am so tired but you are welcome to talk to me privately and we will see

I understand your frustration and all your feelings and all this anger about some bloggers here saying the same repeated things over and over!

It's not my responsibility either cause I am not even like them hopefully I helped a lot of people here!

But when you send me a message make sure you tell me about what you want from the tapes if you are gonna buy them BECAUSE I DON'T MAKE CUSTOM TAPES FOR FREE you gave me your whole life thing how would I even help you if you aren't paying me for your personalized tape or coaching!!!!

I CAN LITERALLY HELP YOU IN ONE MONTH WITHOUT ANY VOID SH IN YOUR NORMAL PHYSICAL REALITY I DID HELP A LOT OF PEOPLE WHO HAD THE WORST SITUATIONS YOU CAN EVEN IMAGINE!

This is the issue here guys

This is MY ISSUE okay? Stop trauma dumping instead tell me WHAT DO YOU WANT TO HAPPEN!!! NOT WHAT HAPPENED CAUSE IDGAF ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED I AM HERE TO MAKE YOUR NEW REALITY HAPPEN

Again the old story MUST BE DEAD!

Also baby you need tapes NOT TALK NOT WORDS YOU NEED TO REWIRE YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS MIND

How SHOULD I MAKE THE OLD STORY DEAD, ADAMBJA?

Just tapes THAT'S WHY I AM MAKING TAPES WITH BENEFITS ITS BETTER IN MANY WAYS

And that's what I am originally a coach for!

[axolozzy]

vent (tw for extreme ablism transphobia and overall terrible stuff idek if i should even post this im sorry i just really need to vent i will probably delete this later)

y’all i’ve finally gotten comfortable vocal stimming in front of people im comfortable with like my friends and family and now my mom all of a sudden thinks im hearing voices or that i have “multiple personalities”????????* like no i promise nothings “going on” with me and j don’t need to see a mental health professional im just stimming because im happy. what the fuck

*also i’ve literally told her for YEARS that it’s called DID and talking in different voices does not fucking mean someone has “multiple personalities” because this has come up SOO fucking much over the years and i’m getting tired of explaining it. i repeat things in funny voices because it’s fun. i’ve done it my whole fucking life it’s called echolalia it’s called STIMMING and she doesn’t listen to me whenever i explain that

so much for being comfortable being myself around people. “you never used to act like this” BECAUSE I WAS SCARED!!!!! BECAUSE I HAD TERRIBLE ANXIETY AND DIDNT WANT TO BE JUDGED FOR BEING WEIRD!!!!!! my parents genuinely think there’s something severely wrong with me now. they literally told me that. because i meow sometimes as a vocal stim. and so do LITERALLY ALL OF MY FRIENDS AND PEOPLE AT SCHOOL. PEOPLE IN CLASS TALK IN WEIRD VOICES AND MAKE ANIMAL NOISES TOO ALL THE FUCKING TIME!!!!!! ITS NOT FUCKING SERIOUS!!!!!! GOD FUCKING DAMMIT

i’m genuinely so fucking tired of this god who fucking gives a shit of im weird. i’ve been like this my whole life its not my fuckign fault that you didn’t pay attention and don’t remember. FUCK

my step dad’s a fucking dick too i genuinely hate him so fucking much i cant fucking take it anymore. NO!!!! IM NOT GOING TO FUCKING MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH YOU BECAUSE IT MAKES ME UNCOMFORTABLE AS FUCK. “why” because im autistic. “that’s not an excuse” yes it fucking is bitch its literally a symptom of fucking autism. no i AM going to keep calling myself autistic because thats what i am. no its not “putting a label on myself” because im actually fucking diagnosed autistic im not going to pretend it doesnt exist. because i fucking exist. im not going to “beat” my autism by suppressing all of my autistic traits because you want me to. “why?” DO YOU FUCKING HEAR YOURSELF???????

and this guy worked in mental health for 17 years. he worked at a psychiatric hospital for 17 years. he never went to college or learned anything about mental health at all. he thinks he knows more than me about my fucking disability when he says the most outdated offensive shit ive ever heard about autism or DID or schizophrenia. he doesnt listen to a word i say because he’s “older than me and has more life experience” and therefore he automatically “knows more than me and im wrong.” he doesnt listen to anyone actually. he literally says to people not to correct him when he’s wrong because he doesnt like being told he’s wrong to being told what to do or think. he’s “not going to change his beliefs for anyone” even if he knows his “beliefs” are literally just fucking factually wrong or actively harmful. he purposely makes people feel like shit if they stand up for themselves against him. he purposely makes me feel like shit because im the only one in this fucking houses that dares to disagree with the shit he says. he’s a republican he’s obsessed with trump and blasts conservative transphobic racist news channels on the tv right outside my room at night so it keeps me awake and doesnt turn the tv down when i ask because apparently he has hearing problems but has never once got that checked out. he deadnames me and says “because of his adhd he’s not sure he’ll ever remember to use the right name so he’s not even gonna try.” and he says he loves and supports me but is constantly saying the most ableist transphobic shit to me and says he’s just giving me a hard time because he loves me. he has said on multiple occasions with a straight face that “fat people piss him off and they’re the one type of people that he doesnt feel bad for being outwardly hateful and discriminatory towards.” he tries to make me feel guilty for not believing in god. he’s anti abortion. he doesnt want me to get gender affirming care under his roof because he thinks its weird and disgusting and doesnt want me to get a dick even though i have told him a million fucking times i never want bottom surgery and i dont know why this is any of his fucking business anyway. he constantly tells me my online friends aren’t real friends and when he knows i love talking to them he purposely turns the wifi off. he asks me why im acting so weird and i say its how ive always acted alone and with my friends and im just being myself and he says “stop acting like that.” “why. im not going to change who i am for other people.” “well i want you to around me.” KILL YOURSELF IM SO FUCKING SERIOUS. GOD FUCKING DAMMIT I HATE HIM SO FUCKING MUCH

he’s a manipulative bastard and whenever we get into arguments, SOME FUCKING HOW a few hours later were happy and forgiving eachother and im the one saying sorry. he’s an asshole to me and everyone around him, he’s an asshole to my mom. they are constantly fighting but always deny it. i cant fucking take it anymore

sorry for this vent i know people dont follow me to know about my personal life i know i shouldnt say this stuff but i dont fucking care im so sick of this. i woke up this mornign feeling more excited happy and motivated than i have felt all week and it was ruined the second my mom came in my room saying that the way i act (my literal vocal stims) make her think there’s something severely wrong with me. i love her more than anything in the world she’s the best mom ever but what the actual fuck??????? anyway i hate my stepdad and even though i dont believe in hell i hope he fucking burns

[withlovewendy]

Ada Lingam...

It's been a long journey in this housewifery life of mine, this year marks my fourteenth year of being a stay at home mom, the longest job I've had in my 37 years of existence, and recently I really got to thinking.. and ranting, and just loathing this life of mine. I know a lot of ladies would love to be in my shoes, and all I can say is the grass is always greener on the other side. I too am full of envy, of how they can take charge of their life, have a purpose to fulfil, be financially supportive or independent instead of someone like me.. Truth to be told, I think my biggest problem is I don't have a purpose in life, or anything that makes me want to achieve for myself. Because my life is all about living for others; my kids, my husband and all the cats in my life. What about me? What do I want to do? Rain or shine, holiday or no holiday, weekday or weekend.. my life is exactly the same. The expectations of me are of the same. So what's my life for? I am too free but not free at the same time that I am able to constantly dwell in this type of "too free nothing to do" kind of thoughts that my mental health has been.. not the best. There is this guilt of being too free but you know you are an essential part of the family. The downside of being a stay at home mom is... the things I do might see minimal but without someone like me micromanaging, multi tasking, jack of all trades, nothing in the family will be able to function.

Just take a day in my life as an example, from the moment I wake up, I am expected to get the kids up, while quickly scramble something up for a quick breakfast, and the usual rushing, nagging, screaming, threatening, dash out of the house to beat the morning rush hour traffic as best as possible. And at the same thing, laying out my tasks of the day, what do I need to cook? What essentials do I need to stock up? Is today a stayback at school day? Am I following my husband out for work today? Will today be dinner at home or out? If yes, what can I cook in 1-2 hours upon arriving home...

So many things my brain is just constantly spinning.. and it's been like this since the kids grew up. Things are more serious now with hardknocking homework involved, serious pep talks about why the dismal score during the recent midterm exams.. it's not just going to kindergarten to play and learn ABC's anymore..

I find myself constantly hovering at my kids doing their homework or rallying them back to their homework while I myself am scrambling all over the house preparing dinner or cleaning the house, it's a never ending ordeal..

So what am I here for? Am I just a multitasking servant?

Many times, I saw people so engrossed in work on their laptops and iPad's looking all serious and focused with something to achieve and here I am.. just doom scrolling on Instagram or Facebook while waiting for my husband to work until it's time for the school pick ups. The unproductive useless feeling that I am consumed with.. like I could be like them, working on something that generates income but I am just.. wasting my time way. With zero productivity.

Can I just say I am so tired.. so so so so so tired.. of just constantly being stuck in this bubble. Yes, it's a dream for many but this dream of mine is just a neverending loop of tasks, that constantly repeats itself in multiple facets and angles.

I just want to wake up and not do anything, I want to have food ready for me instead of people expecting me to get food on the table, I want to stop making decisions and telling people what to do.

I am just... tired of my job.

[lovebeyondbars]

Support & Prison Relationships

Welcome everyone to another post about how we navigate our long distance prison relationship. In this post, we’re talking about support. More specifically we’ll be talking about how we support each other and how people support (or don’t support, as the case may be) us. Lets jump right into it.

How do you support each other while being apart?

Laura: Supporting each other is about sustaining connection over distance or during times when physical presence isn’t possible. It's practical, emotional and intentional. Our time together is planned out; it’s honoured; and it’s sacred. We laugh, joke, hang, chill, debate, commiserate, play, talk, listen… Eric regularly asks me how I’m doing in myself mentally, physically and spiritually. He will check in regularly to let me know he’s thinking of me. He’s reassuring, he’s emotionally accessible and he’s communicative.

In addition to emotional support, I try to offer practical support too (much easier to do in my position than in Eric’s position!)             I do my best to send Eric videos and photos of things I’m getting up to make him feel included in my day to day life. I will message him to tell him when I’m at my destination when travelling so he knows I respect him as a husband. I do my best to answer questions or send information that he doesn’t have access to himself that will help make his life easier.

Eric: Long or short distance, support is a key leg in a relationship. Sometimes we forget that support is more than financial. Emotional and spiritual support is important, too. And I am all about the team. Team comes first, then me. So, if Laura is not feeling good, I'm not feeling good. So, I am constantly giving her temp checks, and encouraging her to be the best version of herself. I will also say that I do push Laura to extend herself. Again, the team is more important than any one individual to me. Laura does do a great job at including me in things. I find it cool and impressive. In many relationships like ours, women will often decide to do things without including or checking in with their partner, and there is often potential for fiction or disruption.

What does “showing up” for each other actually look like in your relationship?

Laura: For me, this goes a step deeper than the above. It’s about being present, consistent, and dependable in both easy and hard moments. it’s in the small, repeated ways we say ‘I see you. I care. I’m not going anywhere.’  Have you ever been talking to someone who is only half listening because they’re on their phone, gaming or watching TV? It doesn’t happen here. Probably because Eric hasn’t got access to any of those things. Juuuuust kidding! Seriously though. When we’re busy; when we’re tired; when things seem hard; we always show up. We can have the difficult conversations. We sit with each other in pain, we don’t disappear when conversations are hard or inconvenient and we apologise and take accountability for our errors.

Eric: Laura's right. Even from a distance, it's important to move beyond surface level things. A lot of relationships--including prison focused ones--are all about the "sweet nothings" and that's fine for a couple of months, but getting down to brass tacks gets rough because there was never a point of discussion. Every relationship should have a culture, and it should be discussed explicitly. What does it have to do with "support?" Well, the deeper conversations we love to have, often reveal things about a person you wouldn't otherwise know. From there, you can fine tune the sort of support the person needs. One method can't cover every person you engage with. And no, no, no she ain't joking, she has a SIMS version of me that is somehow better looking than me.

Are there specific things — letters, words, habits — that help you feel truly seen and heard by your partner?

Laura: Annoyingly (but endearingly) Eric is incredibly sensitive to subtle changes in communication. He knows when I’m feeling upset about something - even if I think I’m doing a good job of hiding it. He will give me an opportunity to express how I’m feeling and if I’m not quite ready to do so, he makes clear that he’s willing to hold space for me whenever I’m ready. I’ll refuse out of stubbornness for all of 10 minutes before spilling my heart out and monopolising the entire conversation. Kind of like I’m doing now… It's a good job Eric is also a phenomenal listener then, eh? He doesn’t listen to talk, defend or attack. He listens to truly understand my perspective and protect the unit. He never belittles my feelings, even if he doesn’t necessarily understand or agree with them.

Eric: Funnily enough, I will say that it is one of the few positive things prison has given me: I am ultra-sensitive to people's subtle shifts in mood. Can save your ass in here...can save your relationship out there. And Laura does kinda find it annoying (why, babe? Why do you find it annoying? hehheh). I mean, the feeling between an angry wife and a dude trying to drop you in the yard is about the same, so...

One thing is do know is festering emotions are a no-no. I'd rather we be mad for getting everything out, than staring at each other across the table imagining what we woulda/coulda/shoulda said. And that is how we support each other: we talk, and we listen more. Laura is definitely a good listener.

When one of you is struggling, how do you offer support from a distance? What helps in those hard moments?

Laura: Offering support to someone who is struggling whilst incarcerated is interesting in the sense that a lot of us don’t have and won’t ever have that same lived experience. It’s not like you can say ‘oh man! That happened to me once and I hated it! I know what you’re going through!’ We can empathise, but only to a certain extent. I try show support by being a safe space for him to express his feelings without judgement or fear of me telling others, by being truly present and validating his feelings without using platitudes.

Eric: Sure, sure. Laura can't quite understand what I may be going through, but all situations kinda engender the same emotions. Frustration is frustration, anger is anger, etc. So, Laura is really great at attacking root causes of issues and asking me questions that make me think about why I am encountering issues. My support can come in the form of sparing her the more major prison drama, because I know the worry can often be serious for a woman who has to go to sleep at night, and work in the morning when she isn't entirely sure of what is going on with her partner. When Laura is struggling with things, she talks, I listen. Period. Now, I am naturally a fix it guy.  I don't like to talk about things; I like to get it done. With Laura, I have come to understand, that sometimes a person is on the way to fixing a thing, but she might just want her friend as an empathetic sounding board. She has moments where she will just send a "flare" and if I can drop what I am doing, it immediately gets dropped. And we'll have a chat.

Who has been the most supportive of your relationship, and how have they shown that support?

Laura: Some of our closest friends are in very similar situations and they’ve shown massive amounts of support. They know what it’s like to experience the distance, the stupid rules, the judgement (from a prison wife perspective) and the time. Being able to lean on our friends has made our relationship stronger but also our friendships too. I’m looking at you P and J!

Eric: Sure! It is definitely our friends who support us the most. They understand us the most because they are exactly in the same situation that we are.  So, we commiserate. More specifically, our friends P and J, and Emmanuel and Emmanuella. For instance, P was integral to me finding Laura, as I was doing a lot of whining about companionship, and had just about given up looking. She forced my hand.

Have you ever received support from unexpected people or places? What was that like?

Laura: 100%. I remember the absolute fear and dread I had when thought about how I was going to tell my mother that I’d met an incarcerated individual online and that I’d decided that I loved him and wanted to be with him. I skirted around the conversation all damn day until it became unbearably uncomfortable and I blurted it out. Initially she was against it, but she got with the programme. She likes him now!

Eric: Unexpected support came from my sister. She was the most understanding. She said, "Be safe.  All I want is for you to be happy." It put me in the right place mentally.

Have there been moments where you felt a lack of support — from family, friends, the system? How did you cope?

Laura: Definitely. People hear the word ‘incarcerated’ or ‘prison’ and forget about all of the good qualities they like about you. There’s an immediate suspicion. That you’re stupid, you’re naïve, untrustworthy, that you ‘agree with’ your loved one’s crime. People forget about your kindness, your compassion, how smart you are, your work ethic, your integrity, how thoughtful and logical you are or how supportive you’ve been. You’re no longer your own person. You’re the ‘girl whose partner is in prison’, to be whispered about and ostracised; especially seeing as my partner is doing a long bid. I’ve even had some people audibly GASP. People want you to be committed, loyal and understanding but only to people they deem suitable. I cope by communicating with Eric when I’m feeling a type of way, and I have a small close-knit group of people in a similar situation that I can seek support from.

 Eric: Lack of support is an interesting point. You can always want your life to gel, and sometimes it just doesn't, and that's OK. For one thing, my partner is not a citizen of this country. The system I live in is good at capitalizing on this in trying to limit things such as phone, visits, packages, and mail. The talking point of the State is rehabilitation and how maintaining family connections is an important focus. Except, that is not the case in practice. It can be tremendously frustrating for a guy like me who thinks a lot about what makes logical sense.

The second issue is my parents, who I love dearly, but are very unidirectional in how they live their lives. Where I would like for them to just be happy that I am happy, they are more concerned with their rules and principles. They are unflinchingly religious, and their view of marriage outside of the faith chafes at me because it seems rules are more important than relieving some suffering in a good and healthy way. I cope through my relationship. We support and hold each other up, Laura and I. We are our own validation, to an extent. I also constantly reinforce the notion that my life is my own, despite my circumstances.

How do you respond to people who judge or don’t understand your relationship?

Laura: Eric will be sighing and shaking his head about this but, I respond terribly. One of my flaws as a person is that I care about what people think about me. I care even more about people misunderstanding my partner, because he’s the best person that I know. This is the healthiest, happiest, most secure relationship that I’ve ever been in. When people judge or don’t understand, historically I’ve felt like I need to GET people to understand. But now I’ve learned to compartmentalise my life. Some people don’t know anything about my private life at all; some people know that I’m in a relationship but don’t know that he’s in prison. My close circle does and we talk about it openly.

Eric: No. Not so much shake my head as trying to squeeze that part of her out like a tube of toothpaste. There is no unit of measurement that could capture how little I care for other people's opinion. A person who doesn't care about me personally, as family or a friend, cannot rent space in my mind. But I don't necessarily have to deal with the same issues Laura does. It's not as if people here are saying to me "you're dating a nonfelon?! Gasp!" The only thing I can say I am dealing with is the extremist notions men in prison can often espouse. I often get comments about the fact that I am a Black man with a White woman as a partner. However, all of the shock and sidewise glances are for me and not for Laura, so, again, I can only imagine how difficult it is for her to be defending her position based on attacks meant for me. I do try my best, though, to support her by trying to get her not to defend me so vigorously.

If someone wants to support a person in a prison relationship, what would you want them to know?

Laura: Treat them like they’re in a normal long-distance relationship and support them like you would anyone else! Ask questions rather than assume. It’s helpful for you to understand someone in a relationship with someone in prison experiences a number of complex situations that normal relationships don’t experience. Be a safe space for your friend and check in on them regularly.

Eric: Hear us. Understand us. Understand that prison is not a pleasant experience. Not that it should be, but the undercurrent of hatred and extra judicial suffering makes incarcerated individuals insular and mistrustful people. Do not be the person who makes an individual open up, only to close the door on them or not validate their feelings or concerns. One thing Laura is very good at is validating how I feel, then advising or exhorting when necessary. I can be emotional sometimes, and then invalidate my feelings, with the intent of resetting my mind for the sake of protecting myself. Just recently, Laura called me out on it and said, "you know you don't have to do that, right?" She assured me that it was OK for me to feel what I do, and sit in it with her.

What kind of support are most needed in your relationship — emotional, financial, logistical? How do you manage them?

Laura: I think that we should be transparent about the financial burden prison takes on families. It’s hugely expensive, even if the person in prison does their best not to rely on you. Stamps, phone credit, saving for visits, packages etc; costs can build up very quickly. Without money, there is limited communication. Some prison wives have spent tens of thousands of dollars to maintain their relationship and they take the lions share of that responsibility because their partner can’t. It’s important to raise because I think people should think about the political and social implications it has on many communities in terms of families and rehabilitation.

Eric: I will say that emotional support is most important. We tend not to think so, until we reach that oasis where we think we are safe. Not all incarcerated people are as the narratives would have people believe. Most, though, are emotionally stunted or crippled. I would say doubly so for the men. Some, if not most antisocial behavior we see with incarcerated individuals and their partners are emotional trauma based. For instance, Laura's second favorite incarcerated individual is a guy she dubbed "The Biscuit Brute." He constantly yells at his partner over petty concerns, such as missing items from a package. He comes across as a spoiled jerk, but if you know about his childhood, you understand that he is living his trauma. And his wife is not, unfortunately, equipped to handle his trauma. I am not condoning his behavior, or any similar behavior, but sometimes pointing something out is a start to healing. Emotional support is essential.

Financial support is indeed expensive. How people on the inside can support their partner is not being a burden. Granted, while inside there are things we need because everything in prison is just bad. But I tend to live a very spartan lifestyle in order to spare both Laura and anyone who is supporting me financially. Additionally, appreciate what they do, by being wise with your expenditures. I try my best to either stretch sent money, or hustle (not illegally!) in order to make more so I don't have to ask. Laura and I often have financial discussions, and while I tend to aim those conversations to the future, she also like to throw in today's issues. We always plan, and try to readjust those plans based on what we are presented with.

What advice would you give to someone who wants to better support their incarcerated partner — or their partner on the outside?

Laura: I make a concerted effort to make sure Eric is included in all of life’s day to day dramas. It can feel silly, knowing he’s in a very dangerous environment seeing and hearing the craziest stuff and here I am complaining about my commute! However it brings him OUT of that environment for a period of time, and that’s important. Include your partner in decision making, tell them about the office gossip. Oh! And send pictures and videos. I’m not very good at this, but Eric enjoys it when I remember. You are your partner’s window to where they want to be and that’s a great honour and privilege.

Eric: I'm not going to say much here because Laura nailed it. It is a simple matter of including us in in even the most mundane events. You'd be surprised what we would be happy to help with, see, or talk about. Our world is very small, and we always look to expand it through our loved ones. I love it when Laura sends videos and flicks. The other day, she sent me videos of snacks in a supermarket aisle. You might think it is cruel, but it isn't. I love to see more than the things I see day in and out.

How do you balance being a source of strength for your partner when you're feeling drained or overwhelmed yourself?

Laura: Honestly? I don’t balance it. I’m a strong, independent, fierce and stubborn woman. I will carry my burden when it’s heavy and I will carry Eric’s load too.  I will carry it until I’m tired and I’m drained and overwhelmed and then carry it some more. But when I hit that wall? I’m running to my fiancé crying. He knows if I’m coming to him like that, then he needs to pick up the load for a while. And vice versa. I will carry whatever Eric is too tired to carry until he’s ready to pick it back up himself. What I would say though, is self care is important. Eric and I don’t talk every day. So those evenings that are my evenings only? I’m watching trash TV, I’m having a long soak and an early night.

Eric: Puh-lease! Laura is soft (that's right. I said it: Soff!) She thinks she can carry all this stuff, and she can, but when you're used to not having a truly supportive partner, you HAVE to. Don't get me wrong, she can handle her business, but I have to remind her that it does damage. Frankly, she handles more than someone should, but she definitely has become much better at coming to me when she is really feeling it. And I try my best to hear her, give advice where she wants it, or back her play. Another point is that the conversations about wanting, and needing support is important because we can't be there for each other physically, yet. What you say matters in these moments because works can be like a hug or a salve.

Have you had to set any boundaries around support — either with each other or with others?

Laura: I have with others. I do not, will not or nor will I ever share our personal disagreements with others. Eric is not in a great environment and I never want people to use what we’ve got going on as something to use against him; on either side of the wall.

Eric: Sure. I don't discuss our issues with other people. When it is minor things I talk to one person and that is my brother J. Even then, I mostly stay away from mentioning what may be bothering her, and ask basic questions about what I can do to help her. Overall, how we support each other stays between us because information--personal or otherwise--can definitely be used as a weapon against both partners.

What have you both learned about the meaning and power of support through this experience?

Laura: That you can surpass all obstacles with the right person by your side.  

Eric: Simple. This sort of support is what should look like in relationships regardless of where the people are located. Good and deep support should not be limited to a certain type of relationship.

If you’ve made it this far, thanks for reading. We appreciate you. We’re keen to hear your views and answer questions. Comment below or email us at lovebeyondbars@outlook.com for a chance for your question/thought/opinion to be featured on our blog.

Join us again next month where we’ll be inviting you in to another aspect of our life!

[user00142]

September 15, 2024 9:50PM

I’m so tired of this never ending cycle, these old repeating thoughts, and self-sabotaging behaviors. At this point, I no longer hold the same hope that I used to. I’m barely keeping myself afloat. I hate what I see in the mirror. I waste each day by being on my phone or maladaptive daydreaming the entire day. I’m hung up on my ex who only talks about sex with me. I’m not who I want to be. I’m nowhere near where I want to be. I’m miserable all the time and I constantly feel like I also make the energy in the room miserable just because I’m in it. I feel like the people who know me dislike me because I’m not a great communicator, nor am I friendly. I say words that I don’t mean. I’ve ruined my friendships because I don’t maintain the relationships I have. When I was a child, I imagined my older years to be full of life. Now, all I do is sleep and daydream. I wasted my youth daydreaming of a perfect world. I’m so fucking sick of myself. I’m everything I despise. I want to fix myself, reinvent myself, kill this version of me and wake up anew. These days I feel like I’m too far gone to ever truly be whole again which is so fucking dramatic btw because I have it easy in comparison to other people who actually have real problems. I’m privileged to be able to go to college, to get an education without having to work while studying, I don’t gotta worry about my tuition, my meals, etc. I am able-bodied, I am fortunate, I am young and I have so much ahead of me. So, why do I feel so black and white? Perhaps it’s because I’m constantly giving attention — power, to all this negativity. Sure, I struggled a lot with social anxiety as a kid; I have low-self esteem, I got bullied for being ugly, I felt unpopular and irrelevant because I only had small circle of friends while my friends had other friends. But I’m not there anymore. I’m not 13 anymore. I don’t feel as socially anxious to the point that I couldn’t talk to people, even my own family. I’m not 14 anymore, I’m not in the classroom sitting with my friends as they tell me about my flaws and pick me apart with their words that were like daggers to my skin. I’m not 15 anymore — 15, when my dad went to his hometown saying he was going to start a business there, but he didn’t come back and ended up having a child with another woman. I’m not 16 anymore, I don’t feel as scared to tell my mom that I love a boy. I’m no longer 17 — no longer at that time when I didn’t want to break up with my boyfriend but I felt like it needed to be done because my mom losing her job made me realize how poor we actually were and it made me feel like I shouldn’t have that much fun in life, that I needed to stop having my head in the clouds. I’m no longer 18 and definitely not 19. I’m 20 now and I don’t want all those negative experiences to define my 20s because this is the time when I should have fun, when I should live my life to the fullest and make each day count. I just wanna let go of this heaviness here, burn it all down and scatter its ashes in the wind because I’m 20 now, and at 20, I should rise like the fucking phoenix. 

[pwblogarchive]

April 2002

April 2, 2002

“it’s an amazing relief”

the morning you wake up and realize you are just as shitty of a person as they all thought.

i laughed out loud.

April 2, 2002

“bat those suicide eyes that make me so crazy.”

there’s a part of me that secretly hoped my plane would crash, killing me instantly on impact- the drama proves irresistable. i need some kind of hook to drag me out of it- some hook to drag me straight to hell. do not pass go. do not collect 200 dollars.

i have the same dream every night.

please wait up for me tonight.

April 9, 2002

“and i don’t have the right stuff”

you threw away something perfect, now watch me do the same- i’ll show you just what a vindictive asshole i can be. someday this will all be funny.

i think all this is driving me insane. and the funny thing about my mom making me go talk to this doctor is i find myself lying to him so he doesn’t think i’m too wierd. on top of that everytime he suggests that something might be a problem in my life, i make it one i magnify it- just so he doesn’t feel dumb. i want to grab him and say don’t waste my time just give me pills that make me feel not so alone.

i’m sorry. my wrists are sore from being thought about too much. and maybe i’m not so trustworthy.

April 15, 2002

“i want to fall in love tonight”

lots of stuff to report- we are actually practicing on tuesday. we have a show at rubes may 10 with Figure Four. we will do a full u.s. tour this summer. i have been writing for a new e.p. simply titled “Girls” which we will hopefully record this fall, on it at least: death to the last romantic, (farewell to)a switchblade love affair, and the don juan complex. the new stuff is way different, better in my mind. check back for more info.

a lyrical sampling to get you in the mood:

the don juan complex- my heart is fast and broken in the back of vans, our limbs are tired and clumsy between these sheets. i choked on “please save me” just before i tasted her lips- she never heard a sound. i’ll die in the corners of this kitchen at every party. oh god, this is such a drag and my wrists are sore from being thought of too much. one thousand friday nights- no love is safe. you can’t imagine what you’d wish for if you remembered every single wasted moment twenty-two times. one thousand friday nights- no love is safe. i’ll begin my last note: “i’m sorry mom, i tried, but noone should ever feel this way. and i’m sorry girls but i’m still an awkward boy and you can’t make me not alone.” and end it: “p.s. i hate you”.

see you soon.

pete

April 24, 2002

“did i mention that i’m real?”

i’m confused. i am 22 and i have no masterplan. sleeping in the bedroom that i grew up in is wearing thin but i have no urge to move on. i keep making the same mistakes with the same people and they keep letting me start over. you would think they’d know better by now. i think sometimes people forget there is real person here. i know i do.

i think i’m gonna make friends with my friends enemies. it seems like maybe we hate the same people.

trouble loves me- why don’t you?

pete

April 29, 2002

“‘most people go through life in a kind of quiet desparation’ voltaire”

ash grey clouds block the sky, ensuring that God won’t see my thoughts.

the ultimate peeping tom.

the calls of vultures are cloaked as sparrows and mockingbirds.

i can tell the difference.

she takes a drag off of a lonely cigarette. and this reminds me of how i sometimes feel like if she makes it there i will storm the gates and torch the place.

this is how i spend my first night in hell.

the rest of the week will be spent filling out online personality tests.

i cheat. i take them until i get the personality i like.

monday is for self-sabotage.

i have the cure’s “pornography” on repeat in my head constantly to remind me that this is okay.

the pillbox resembles the barrel of a gun.

MTWTHFSSU

i imagine that these bullets i am swallowing are you- one for everyday of the week i feel alone.

tuesday is for not living up to my potential.

tragedy and turbulence are beautiful.

wednesday is for avoiding friends phone calls.

well maybe not beautiful but at least inevitable.

thursday is for staying up all night and regretting the past three days.

do you ever miss the sun at night or only despise it for abandoning you.

it’s so fucking fickle.

imagine a corpse that is bored with it’s own funeral.

this is me.

friday is spent sleeping off thursday.

i know you don’t read this.

but a part of me still hopes you do.

saturday night is spent alone by the phone- god i wish it was wednesday.

at this point i switch from the cure to bjork’s “hyper ballad”- this is the soundtrack to who cares?

sunday is spent wishing i will wake up someone different on monday.

her perfume is a mix of cigarettes and post-coital sweat.

but somehow it only reminds me of how the people at the crucifixion must have felt.

satisfied but desperate and somehow unaware of what they had just created.

[despair-to-future-arcs]

Thanks Fuyu!

*one explanation later*

Wait... so Peko is a hitman for the clan and was order to protect you? Is that why she reacted like that?

Yeah, mostly as I order her to not reveal our relationship to anyone else and luckily no one in our class has found out, given they are working on their talents or just avoided me because I kill their friend...

Until you did that is, your the only one that found out about our relationship and I feel it be no point hiding it.

I see... so that's why...

Then... is that why you were avoiding me? Because of you killing Hatomi and me replacing her?

...I won't deny it, the reason I avoided you is because you being here would be a reminder; that I killed the person that killed my sister and because of that everyone avoided me while Peko felt she fail of not protecting Natsumi, and you had to deal with the brunt of it which I'm sorry you had to deal with all that, that was unfair.

So yeah, if curious why your buddy from the Reserve Course isn't with our Class, that's why.

I see, but you constantly gave that order to Peko and yet she was place in the class - that doesn't make sense.

Well you can thank that to my old man for doing that, I always hated relying on my family's influence and I often told Peko to just leave me alone, it was always like that since middle school, I fucking hated it.

But thanks to that, my dad had found out and order Peko to not follow my orders anymore until I stop being empathetic towards a tool and I can't say I blame him for it; I did cause my sister's death in the first place but I don't want Peko to get hurt and thrown out.

So no, Peko had no choice in the matter - my dad choose a random kid and from my class and he picked your friend, so don't be mad at Peko.

I see... okay, thank you for telling me...

But still Fuyuhiko, I think you should come along with me and explain to my friend, as say she probably would want a proper explanation and I think she deserves to know too.

And why the hell should I? I don't want to explain this again and you already got the information so you can do it?

What? But Fuyuhiko, I think you need to explain this to her because I feel it would be better if you did it instead of having me being the messager.

And why should I have to? Look, I already told you the reason and I don't need to explain shit!

So go and explain to her and why the fuck should I even do, you already know so no point repeating myself!

OH MY GOD, NO WE AREN'T DOING THIS! I AM NOT PLAYING MESSAGER THIS TIME, YOU ARE GOING TO EXPLAIN THIS TO LOTTIE AND TELLING HER WHAT YOU TOLD ME!

Wh-What...?

I am sick and tired of you guys not willing to explain yourselves or even talk, let people figure this shit out when newsflash; no one is a fucking mind reader, you seriously expect someone to figure this out or to explain for you! You have a mouth so freaking use it!

What the actual fuck?! How dare you talk shit to meet you lazy ass otaku, you want me to beat the shit out of you for talking back to me!

Then go ahead but remember, my friend Lottie is assuming the worse of Peko; she thinks that Peko is nothing but an entitled little shit that bought her way in and I'm sure you don't want that, do you?!

If you gave an actual shit about Peko, how about instead of asking ME to explaining it to Lottie; you do it, after all you claim to care for Peko then how about act on those words? THEN TALK TO HER, THAT'S IT!

...

Look, the reason the parade is happening is because no one is explaining anything to the Reserve and frankly, I can't blame them for it. All they want is answers so if you really care for Peko, then I recommend you and her come meet with Lottie to explain the situation tomorrow and I expect you both to be there.

...Fine, okay okay - I'll come and talk with her. Is she really assuming the worse of Peko?

Yeah she is, she kept calling her some really awful names and it's not like the staff are gonna say anything so I think it be better if you told her instead of me, it might help matters.

Right, okay I'll go get Peko and will come talk with Lottie.

Thank you, I'm sure Peko is upset and as say - we can talk with her about it and hopefully clear the air.

[leautjie]

check in to check out

I've always been somewhat creative. It has always been something that came very natural to me. When I was still a child, my mother would often ask me if I'd like her to tell me a bedtime story. And, according to my mother, I constantly told her no and opted for a crayon and a piece of paper instead.

To be honest, I lost my creative self a lot when I started indulging myself in the opinions of others. Since I was young I've always cared what people thought of me - not out of self-pity or out a need of fitting in, but genuinely because I couldn't hear myself speak. Physically and mentally.

I was born with a slight hearing loss, which not only makes me feel delusional whether I'm in a group setting (I am unfortunately one of those individuals who will keep on asking you to repeat yourself), but placed me at a slight disadvantage at a young age. You see, when a child cannot hear herself speak, how do you expect her to engage with the children on the playground?

I think that was when I first felt how it feels to be alone. But not necessarily lonely, just alone. I'd often just sit in a corner of my preschool and just look, and think. Nothing profound, but just think and dream.

This story is not being told to evoke pity (but if you feel sorry for me, be my guest to hug me when you see me, I do love any form of attention xx) but rather to get to a mental point that I had to reach when I was younger. You see, being so young and so so so quiet, I had no one to physically and emotionally speak to. Not to sound like a generic ChatGPT response, but being creative was my only outlet.

I started doing my postgraduate diploma in Marketing this year. Within this diploma I am doing an elective called Creativity in Business. I thought that this module would be much similar to my undergraduate program, Digital Design. However, to my delight, the first half of this elective focuses on the creative self. It focuses on the psychology on how the majority of society rejects their inner child, and often loses their childlike creativity. Something that I had to struggle with, and overcome, these past few years is making peace with my younger self. For the longest time I neglected her. I decided that she was a weird child that needs to be left in the corner of the playground. I mean, this is how I could sense (as a child) how I was being treated by my peers. It was only until recently, during a quiet camping trip to the Cederberg, I sat and slowly started inviting her back in. I felt my creativity flourish, my own self development thrive, and my sense of self strengthen.

There is much to still say about this topic, and in relation to my first blog post here, this page is not be taken as a professional blog. It is also definitely not a piece of media that is made with structure nor logic nor reason. However, I do like to think that this page is somewhat the zeitgeist of who I am. This post does have a sudden end, it is I grew somewhat tired of talking about this subject, but I would like to conclude with the notion of welcoming your smaller self's identity back into your mind space. It might bring you much solitude and will show you have to live more creatively, boldly, and even stupidly joyful.

[miniaturetalekitten]

1.) So that my blog won't be empty, for all of you I will show my post, I wrote it in June! I'll also post drawings, most likely unfinished, if I feel like it.

1.) Чтоб мой блог не пустовал, для всех вас я покажу моё сообщение, я писала его в июне! А также, если захочется, я оправлю рисунки, скорее всего, незаконченные.

2.) Summer is here, it is already going slowly, slowly, smoothly, not in a hurry, and I am not particularly at a fast pace, in my own moderate way. The difference is that whatever the weather is waiting for me, I can have fun myself, become the same weather condition, while not losing my own spirit, which has led me to a state of enthusiasm, somewhere I really want to talk, somewhere in the silence to lock my brain, quieting that in the back water is always something happens.

What am I starting my text about? Just like you, I like just chatting, even though I don't reach the top at times, I'm tired, I barely draw or study hard, it still matters when I need it, and now I'm ready to be a newbie again, like I was when I discovered this wonderful world - Tumblr a long time ago. Looking at all these people, I again do not want to repeat, but just to feel what it would be like to be so tiny, who has not yet created your blog, your home, and because all of this would not be, if I had not dared, just recently was this "today" and in me clearly woke up something, probably I am just as happy, happy, just as interested in people, but only from a distance, I feel so much better.

And I was more pleasant when, unexpectedly, someone noticed me. Just like that, it's so simple, as if some strong magic suddenly flashed at the strongest moment, it was just the first experience, if you're not alone. Oh no, I'm not ready to have it all at once, no, I was at that time more comfortable knowing only one thing - that in this life, I will not experience loneliness, even though I may be far from people. (not always)

What do I mean by all this? I was happy to create my new blog, where I can be real, open and learning though not much knowledge, but the facts from which I still can't get away, from the fact that Tumblr has become my almost favorite place, added to that all the people, all that have written to me, sent me answers under the posts, or just turned their eyes, no matter which post has more likes, it concerns you too! From the beginning I wanted and want to thank you again, and not only, mentally I thank every person who at least once saw my work, yes, it sounds a little crazy, this is my personal truth, although I'm not constantly, well, not so often I subscribe to someone, to be honest it's hard for me to do it a little, let it not too prevent me from being just a person, being someone who secretly likes to follow the works or those I subscribe to...

And you.

Thank you for everything, thank you for your circling communication, which is addictive, and for everything, not so demanding when you were last on my page, the main thing is that I'm content to live with everyone around me, and that I can really support and fandom I love the most, and be a watcher~

2.) Лето наступило, оно уже идет медленно, медленно, плавно, не торопясь, я не особо в быстром темпе, по-своему умеренно. В отличие в том, что какая бы погода меня ни ждала, я могу сама развлечься, стать таким же погодным состоянием, при этом не теряя собственного духа, который и привел меня в состояние восторга, где-то очень хочется поговорить, где-то тишина запирает мой разум, успокаивая тем, что взади всегда что-то происходит.

С чего я начинаю свой текст? я люблю просто поболтать, хотя иногда я не достигаю вершин, я устала, я почти не рисую и не учусь, это все равно имеет значение, когда мне это нужно, и теперь я готова быть снова новичком, каким я была, когда открыла для себя этот чудесный мир - Тамблер давным-давно. Глядя на всех этих людей, мне снова хочется не повторяться, а почувствовать, каково было бы быть такой крошечной, которая еще не создал свой блог, свой дом, и ведь всего этого не было бы, если бы я не смела, совсем недавно было это "сегодня" и во мне явно что-то проснулось, наверное, я так же счастлива, счастлива, так же интересуюсь людьми, только на расстоянии, мне так лучше.

И мне было приятнее, когда меня неожиданно кто-то замечал. Вот так просто, как будто какая-то сильная магия вдруг блеснула в самый сильный момент, это был первый опыт.

О нет, я не готова иметь все это сразу, нет, мне было в то время комфортнее знать одно - что в этой жизни я не испытаю одиночества, хоть и буду далека от людей! (не всегда)

Что я имею в виду? Я была счастлива создать свой новый блог, где я могу быть настоящей, открытой и узнавать хоть и не так много знаний, но факты, от которых я до сих пор не могу уйти, от того, что Тамблер стал моим почти любимым местом, добавило в чтобы все люди, все, что мне писали, присылали мне ответы под постами, или просто обращали взоры, неважно, у какого поста больше лайков, это касается вас!

С самого начала хотела и хочу еще раз поблагодарить, не только, мысленно благодарю каждого человека, который хоть раз видел мои работы, да, звучит немного дико, это моя личная правда, хотя я не постоянно, ну не так уж часто я подписываюсь на кого-то, если честно мне немного тяжело это делать, пусть это не слишком мешает мне быть обычным человеком, быть тем, кто тайно любит следить за произведениями.

А ты.

Спасибо за все, спасибо за ваше кружащееся общение, которое затягивает, и за все, не такое требовательное, когда вы в последний раз были на моей странице, главное, что меня устраивает жить со всеми вокруг меня, что я действительно могу поддержать и фандом, который я люблю больше всего, и быть наблюдательницей~