#I know most of the issue is how hot and sweaty I am and also the steroid pack

[lastoneout]

I know this is going to sound batshit after all that nonsense I posted last night but legit I do need to be on a higher dose of ambien and I think I'm switching back to weed for a couple days at the very least.

[rainbow--panic]

Can I request an x reader fic with Arthur Morgan or John Marston (your choice) where the reader sings them an original song?

If you need a song for this, I got you:

I gatchu boo

also hello everyone I am back in business lol

--------------------

Pairings: Arthur Morgan x reader

Warnings:None

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The day was scolding hot in camp. Many of the girls had stripped down to their thinnest of clothing. On a normal day this would get the men gawking but not today.

Chores seemed to take forever to get done, beads of sweat dripped down your face, what you wouldn't do to jump into a lake right now. It would always be worse, you could be Arthur right now, forced to go and do business in one of the towns, getting into fights along the way.

Imagining him all hot and sweaty didn't help to cool you down, neither did the relentless teasing from the girls as they saw you drifting off into blissful thought. Its known to everyone that you have had a thing for Arthur, everyone also knows that Arthur has a thing for you.

The longing stares, soft touches, the way your voices calm each other, it was no secret. It was also no secret that you hated when he was gone for so long. He left three days ago for some business and you were still waiting for him to come back.

As the sun began to set and the cooler air slowly made its way in, the camp was greater to the sound of horse hooves clopping on the ground. It was Arthur, finally back from whatever Dutch had sent him to deal with.

He took the saddle and halter off his horse and grabbed some papers from his bag, giving them to Dutch. The camp remained quiet on his return, with the only sound audible was the Drunken reverend roaming about, Micah causing issues with Bill, and Arthur's spurs making a small clinging noise as he walked.

He had walked passed his tent and made his way towards yours, where you sat sticking up some of his clothing. He had mad his way to your side and sat down next to you.

"Hey cowboy" you began quietly. "How was your trip?" you offered a smile. He took off his hat and let out a tired sigh. "Same God damn shit as always I suppose." Letting out a groan as he rubbed the back of his neck.

You let out a small giggle as you moved the clothing from your lap and patted it. The ground was hard and the pillows were old and lost their comfort long ago, so in place of those you had offered your lap to Arthur many times before. He did not hesitate to lay his head on your lap as you played with his hair and began to hum.

"Hey sweetheart" he begun. "Mind singin ta me?" You smirked at this, it wasn't often that you sung, even quietly, but since you and Arthur started talking, you had seen yourself sing more as your voice drowned out all the thoughts in his head and made it easier for him to fall asleep.

"Are you, are you comin' to the tree? Where they strung up a man, they say, who murdered three Strange things did happen here, no stranger would it be If we met at midnight in the hanging tree"

Though not the most happy of songs or upbeat, it didn't seem to ever bother Arthur. This life was hard and rough, at any point anyone's life could come to an end.

"Are you, are you comin' to the tree Where dead man called out for his love to flee? Strange things did happen here, no stranger would it be If we met at midnight in the hanging tree"

Your soft hand raking through Arthurs hair, your sweet voice low and smooth, that is the one thing that could make Arthur forget all of that, the one thing that makes him feel safe enough to put his guard down.

"Are you, are you comin' to the tree Where I told you to run, so we'd both be free? Strange things did happen here, no stranger would it be If we met at midnight in the hanging tree"

The sun was almost gone and night was creeping up on the camp, but the heat was still very much there, but not in as strong of a force as it was before.

"Are you, are you comin' to the tree Where necklace of hope, side by side with me? Strange things did happen here, no stranger would it be If we met at midnight in the hanging tree"

Neither of you were worried about what everyone else thought when you two would be like this. Micah occasionally gets after Arthur telling him that its not a manly thing to do, that when he lays on your lap it makes him look weak, but Arthur works harder than anyone else in that camp, he deserves some downtime, he deserves this pleasure, and he could care less about Micahs opinions.

"Are you, are you comin' to the tree Where I told you to run, so we'd both be free? Strange things did happen here, no stranger would it be If we met at midnight in the hanging tree"

After a while of this almost religious act between the two of you, people around the camp began to stop bothering the two of you and just let you be. Arthur was usually more upbeat the next day anyways.

"Are you, are you comin' to the tree? Where they strung up a man, they say, who murdered three Strange things did happen here, no stranger would it be If we met at midnight in the hanging tree"

His breathing was calm, all the stress from the day washed away. Any bruises were healing on their own as he lay there, content in his surroundings. Whatever Dutch has in store for him can wait as he rests.

"Are you, are you comin' to the tree Where the dead man called out for his love to flee? Strange things did happen here, no stranger would it be If we met at midnight in the hanging tree"

Gentle snoring was heard as you absentmindedly stroke his hair, eyes closed as you lean against a tent pole. Arthur was out like a light once more as your medley had yet again calmed the beast. Cracking your eyes open, you cup his face with the hand that had stroked his hair. He was so handsome and rugged.

You loved him and wished that one day maybe, just maybe, the two of you could run away together and start a new life.

[therehearsal2022]

favorite first watches of august, 2024

hi ^__^ i lapsed in actually writing any reviews for this last month bc i was just so exhausted well maybe ill go back at some point i might do it eventually ill never know. i like movies more this month though <3 all of these are romcoms and so i chose photos of all the main couples in them. just kidding or am i

The Master - 5 stars

yayyyy my yaoi movie<3 very first thing i watched this month and i have thought about it every day since which probably doesnt mean anything, or itll change my world forever just like boogie nights did. i gave a more proper review on letterboxd but i looove you movieyy i love the difficult and traumatized main characters in pta's movies freddie is really interesting to follow his relationship with lancaster so special to me they're so interesting dog/owner moment <33 and amy adams is really really good in her role they're all just. such interesting characters pulling each other into their lives and trying to take control of their lives and each other. trying to be free in a way nobody really can be... i love how the cult is never portrayed as being like a grift to the people involved, you can tell lancaster and peggy really believe in what they're doing there, even if they shouldn't. and freddie and lancaster are so in love and doomed <33 it's a bit strange to go "i think the relationship between the sex-obsessed veteran and the cult leader is really romantic" but it is likeeee. it is. anyway i love substance abuse i love tragedy i love mental illness i love when guy is a guard dog i love you moviey oh also laura dern is in this and i love her lots hi laura dern so sweetie why havent i seen blue velvet yet :-( she's very lovely in this and amy adams is so good, they all give all really excellent performances but i'm highlighting them

Challengers - 5 stars

I LOVE YOU TASHI !!!!! good as hell good fucking movie jesus christ probably just like an objectively perfect and incredible movie huh. so fun watching it with my friend and the cinematography here is insanely good the score is insanely good it's so faggy it's so sweaty very sexy movie, i love tashi forever and her knee injury she's sooo me <33 and she's fujoing out she's sooooo me <3 justice for aromantic fujoshis autisticly obsessed with tennis she's actually the most woke character of all time if you think about it. and of course i love their bisexual faggot threesome thing and to be honest it was suicidemotifed i love her telling patrick to kill himself. zendaya is so good in this she has such good expressions i love you tashi

The Killing of a Sacred Deer - 4 and 1/2 stars

yay<3 also watched it with my friend yayyy so funsies also ok i get it now i wasn't totally fucking w/ lanthimos after the lobster (which i did like but i just felt like it wasn't very strong plotwise) i much preferred this though very much my kind of movie. colin farrell is so hot sorry and sorry but he and martin have a truly beautiful gay reverse-grooming manipulation thing going on i support 16 year olds manipulating married middle-aged men thats like my whole thinggg anyway yeah the family unit getting undermined and parental abuse/neglect and alcoholism and really strong stylistic choices w/ the cinematography and the monotone dialogue im obsessed with the dialogue in this it's such a good choice and there's so many long hallway shots <33 i love you hallways. the only thing i don't like is how hospital-oriented it is but like thats not an issue with the movie thats an issue with me yknow

I'm Your Man - 4 and 1/2 stars

doomed heterosexuality<3 alma is one of the top ten most beautiful women ive ever seen and shes sooo real so relatable, and what her and tom have is so tragic and romantic and it hurt to watch how they pushed-and-pulled against each other and each tried to be human in their own ways and even though the love was there they were so incompatible it just couldn't work they couldn't make it work. loved all the big open spaces it made it feel so empty and subdued, the score is beautiful, alma and tom's actors give such good performances and really it kind of haunts me. just really good. and sandra hüller jumpscare ily girl ive GOT to watch anatomy of a fall i need to See her

i don't normally do honorable mentions but today i will i also really liked But I'm A Cheerleader (4 and 1/2 stars) and Sorry to Bother You (3 and 1/2 stars) i love lesbians they were very sweet and it had shockingly good cinematography that i kind of didn't expect from it (my bad i thought it was going to be more like a silly romcom i guess) it was really lovely though. and sorry to bother you had such insanely cool art direction i didn't really enjoy the pacing esp. the last 30 minutes did not come across well to me and i honestly didn't like the ending, but it was a very creative movie visually and just other than that i liked it wish it just didn't lose steam at the end... ily detroit i loved her earrings the costume design was soooo good i also liked cassius of course too i liked a lot of it yayy movies

[dmitri-smerdyakov]

You're totally right about the tattoos thing. Sometimes people don't want to show their tattoos but can't cover them for some reason. Doesn't mean they still like them. How do these people think former gang members feel about their tattoos?

Exactly; I got my Beasts/Potter tattoos between August 2018 and April 2019 (I think it was April - it was definitely early-2019 when I got my last Potter tattoo), so I got them before it was obvious just how awful JKR is. I had no way of knowing then just how terrible she was back then, all I knew was that Potter and Beasts meant a lot to me and got me through my teens and early adult life.

There's a few reasons I haven't gotten cover ups or removals, but it is mostly down to money: I'm, to be blunt, poor as FUCK right now. I've spent the last two and a half years working at various schools through an agency that has taken hundreds of pounds off of my earnings, and the summer camp I usually get work at didn't need me except for two days this summer because they had so many returning staff and very few children (cost of living crisis, am i right?) I've spent the last month job hunting and despite sending off at least 100 applications, I've had two interviews and one scheduled one for two weeks; I've had to apply for Universal Credit because I have barely any money left, and even then that's not coming in until mid-September, and that's not going to be anywhere enough to get five cover-up tattoos, especially since the Leta flower is pretty big.

There's a few other reasons I haven't, but it is mostly down to money. And I'm sorry, but I'm not covering my arms from wrists to elbows with bandages (due to a personal struggle with MH etc), nor am I going to put body paint on my arms every single day or wear wristbands going up my entire arm. As for sleeves, it's not just because of the humid weather but also because of sensory issues related to my autism - if I get hot then it gets itchy and sweaty and uncomfortable etc. Besides, I don't want to cover up my other tattoos that mean a lot to me and that - frankly - look amazing as fuck just because of the Potter ones.

Thankfully, my Potter/Beasts ones are relatively small: Tina's wand, a Newt quote with his signature, the Deathly Hallows symbol and the tiny Potter glasses/scar are all pretty minimalist. The Leta Lestrange orchid (with her name above it and two words beneath it) is pretty big, but to be honest most people don't even realise what it's from. That tattoo is also bordering extremely closely to my Last of Us Part II tattoo, like the artist left about 1mm of space between one of the fern leaves and then the Leta tattoo (which is a testament to how great he is quite frankly because now it looks like I've got a little sleeve going on), so covering it would be very hard.

It's also worth mentioning that during this discussion, someone replied to the original tweet about Potter tattoos having a bigger regret rate than transitioning, saying that far right Nazi groups have apparently started tattooing Norse runes on their bodies and using runes in their bio/display name - which horrifies me because I have a Norse rune tattoo from the How To Train Your Dragon series, and the last thing I want is someone assuming I agree with Nazis all because I got a tattoo that says "Night Fury" and was taken from a family film about dragons and Vikings.

[fbfh]

rodrick heffley dating hcs

wc: 2.3k

pairing: rodrick heffley x gn reader

warnings: rodrick has really low self esteem, he also has adhd and dyslexia and general bad mental health, mentions of rsd, his parents are pretty shitty so yikes, brief mentions of parties/hookups/making out, barely proof read

song recs: teenage dirtbag - wheatus, cupid's chokehold/breakfast in america - gym class heroes

a/n: I can't get hyperfixated on diary of a wimpy kid again I can't watch all the movies just for rodrick I can't want to pounce on this man every time I see him.... and yet....

also this is exactly 6 pages in google docs what am i on

(aged up to 18+ for brief mention of hookups, otherwise sfw)

tags: @dustyinkpages @yesv01

First of all 

Rodrick is a scorpio

So that makes a lot of sense right off the bat

If we look at how he’s portrayed 

Which is through Greg’s perspective aka the most unreliable narrator of all time

We see an angry, angsty, aggressive rebellious teenager

He’s viewed as lazy, selfish, and manipulative, while being simultaneously “dumb” and smarter than he lets on

I saw a post that said maturing is realizing Rodrick wasn’t a villain, he has shitty mental health and a lot of issues he’s not getting help for

And yeah

Yeah that’s what’s actually going on

First of all I think we can all agree he’s dyslexic

Sweaty??? Loded diper???? D-o-r-e?????

Hello

Dyslexia has entered the chat

I think it’s also pretty safe to assume he has adhd

Maybe I am just projecting shut up

But I know for a fact this boy has had a monster energy dependency since he was Greg’s age

We know at this point that people with adhd and dyslexia (separately and together) often times have low self esteem for a variety of reasons

And my god there is no one with worse self esteem than Rodrick Heffley

He knows his parents think he’s dumb

They’re not good at hiding it

They might not have said it to his face but he knows

I get the sense that Rodrick isn’t really aware that all of his struggles are both diagnosable and treatable 

So until he learns that many years later 

He does actually think he’s kind of dumb

At least in terms of academics

But he can say at least he’s pretty clever

He definitely favors street smarts over book smarts yk

And that’s something that he relies on a lot

He’s taken the classic undiagnosed adhd + learning disorder rout of convincing himself school is stupid and doesn’t mean anything

Even though he actually gets really bad rsd

Especially through academic invalidation

So by the time he was around Greg’s age he’d already convinced himself that school is stupid and doesn’t matter

That no one else gets him

And what better way to back up that belief than fixating on rock and pop punk music???

In his eyes, all the greats had an up and coming early days “no one believed in our vision but us” era

That’s what Rodrick finds himself in now

So when his mom calls his hours and hours of drum practice noise and racket

And when his dad says all that rock and roll is melting his brain (even more than it is, is the implied rest of the sentence)

And when Greg refers to him as his “talentless brother��

It’s fine

Because the more people don’t believe him

The better his success will be

The further back he’s pulled, the further forward he’ll fly

Honest to god, green day’s discography is the reason he’s functional at all

If he can’t listen to american idiot or dookie or nimrod while doing it

He’s not going to do it

Pop punk and hot girls are the only sources of serotonin he’s been able to cling onto

That’s what’s keeping him going right now

A few more years he reminds himself

A few more years until he’ll have left and signed a recording contract and will finally get what he deserves 

I think he’s actually kind of scared of someone liking him

Like, actually liking him

The same way where he expects people to be disappointed in him but it’s okay because no one sees his creative vision like he does

He’s convinced himself that the girls in plainview probably aren’t going to get him

So besides his stint with Lyndsey

Which hurt way more than it was supposed to

(remember all that rsd???)

And a fling with that girl from Isla de Corales that burnt out as hot and fast and ugly as he expected it to

He hasn’t really had any actual relationships 

Besides the occasional hook up or make out session at a party 

He doesn’t want to admit to himself that he knows if a girl actually liked him enough to really get to know him they’d see past the punk boy persona to how fucked up he is

And they’d get scared off

Because who wouldn’t be???

(remember that low self esteem???????)

On a similar note 

His band mates may or may not be aware of this

But he’s kind of hiding all his good songs???

He keeps telling himself that it’s fine to just perform fluff and filler songs at first

Because once they get an audience

Once they get practice and a following

Once he knows the right people will hear him

Then he’ll drop the songs with substance

The ones where he really actually has something to say

Because if he posts diper overlode online and it gets 5 views, who cares

But if he posts a song that’s all his innermost thoughts to the hardest drum beats and guitar riffs and bass solos he can possibly come up with

And it gets 3 views and a comment that says it’s shit

It would kill him

Nothing can make him stop making music

Except maybe that

So once he gets into a more accepting, less harshly critical environment

It will be way easier for him to start dropping better and better songs

A little positive reinforcement goes a very long way with him

So by the time that you finally stumble into his life

However that happens

Maybe you saw him at Heather’s sweet sixteen and actually thought he was really good

You hunted him down a while later to tell him

And ask when their next performance will be

Or you heard him blasting his band’s cd at the pool for about 12 seconds before he had to shut it off

And you marched right over to buy one

And he fell in love right there

Or maybe you’re auditioning to be loded diper’s new guitarist or something

And he takes one look at you absolutely shredding 

And his stomach drops and his heart starts pounding 

Or some other meet cute

Or meet uncute knowing him

Goddamn you give him so much serotonin right off the bat

You figure out pretty quick that the way to his heart is making him laugh, quality time, and very gentle encouragement 

And making out

But more on that later

He’s kind of obsessed with you

Okay not kind of

Super

Really super obsessed

Really fast

But like he’s going to play it cool

In spite of how down bad he is for you

Even though he’s not very good at it

He’ll try to play it cool as much as he possibly can

He’ll definitely flirt

He’ll try all his lines and moves

“I’m in a band ;)”

“We play so loud we make people’s ears bleed ;)”

“I can comp you some tickets to our next show ;)”

“Oh yeah I’m a drummer btw ;)”

“A drummer in a band ;)”

Yeah that’s pretty much all he’s got

But unless you want to jump into making out

He really has no idea what to do after that

(Plankton voice) I don’t know I never thought I’d get this far

So if you really like him

Which you do

Actually dating him might be a little tricky 

I feel like what would probably happen is you two would just start by being friends who make out sometimes 

Like a lot

And then 

Eventually after a while

Making out with you will stop scratching that itch

He’ll want more

He’ll want you more

And he’ll start calling himself your boyfriend

Mostly because he really starts to hate it when other people flirt with you

Or stare at you too much

He knows he’s got it bad when he starts getting snippy and annoyed at his bandmates for trying to impress you

That’s when he’s like oh shit

Oh no I actually really like you

And I’m pretty sure you like me too

And if he said that to you  

And you said “yeah, yeah I like you a whole lot” and pulled him in by his necklace to kiss him

Everything is solidified in that moment

He’s yours now

Also if you really, really want to make his heart go boom boom

And get him really in love and obsessed with you

Which why wouldn’t you

Tell him he looks like billie joe armstrong with his messy black hair and eyeliner

Oh my god

His heart is 100% yours

Even more than it was before

God he will kiss you right then and there

He really has no idea how he managed to catch you

Or like

Why you like him

(remember that low self esteem?????????????)

He really never thought he’d be a good boyfriend 

But once it kind of clicked that being your boyfriend just means doing what he’s already doing with you

Plus a few extra things he already wants to do with you but wasn’t sure he could 

He was like wait

It’s that quick easy and free??????? Fuck yeah

He’s so excited

Like really excited 

And in spite of what he thinks

He is a good ass boyfriend in a really chill way

Like a lot of the stuff he does is under a very thinly veiled guise of like

Pfft it’s no big deal this is totally chill and casual 

I just love kissing you and making out with you at every opportunity cause you’re super hot totally not cause I’m kind of in love with you

I like struggling through homework together cause you’re hot not cause looking at you kind of makes me believe in myself a little and makes really shitty things easier to get through 

I try to keep you away from my family because they’re so annoying and you’re so hot not because I know my parents have historically sabotage everything that makes me genuinely happy (which used to just be rock but now is you and rock) and I don’t want them to say something to upset you

Or try to come between us because I’m not going to say this and I want to avoid this situation at all costs but I know if it came to an ultimatum most likely from my mom that I’d pick you

All of this is really just him trying not to jinx anything

Because look at you

Look at how great you are

The only two things he wants are a music career

Any kind of music career

And you

And he’s not going to do anything to jeopardize that

On the surface his feelings towards both you and his band might seem casual

But don’t test him

Cause he will do anything to protect those 

Also the fact that you genuinely support him

You actually like the music his band makes

It’s almost unfathomable to him

Like he thought it was going to be a long time before he found someone like you

He’s still in the early life section of his future wikipedia page as a rock legend

And god he’s so excited he found you this soon

He’s just so excited 

Being around you

Even just thinking about you is like someone slapped some jumper cables on him and revved the engine 

He’ll almost definitely act like what you two have is super casual and barely anything worth noting for a while

Mostly around his family

That way you can avoid a formal Meet The Parents moment

He’s not going to subject either of you to that 

After enough time passes his family is just kind of used to seeing you around

Rides to and from school

Hanging out during band rehearsals

Doing homework together 

Once you’ve reached I’m with the band status

He doesn’t worry as much 

They just sort of mentally put you in part of his friend group/inner circle yk

Which is great because now you can basically come over and spend as much time together as you want without any questions 

It’s a pretty good way to gently fold you into his life

The way you’d tenderly fold whipped egg whites into pastry dough 

I do have some unfortunate news

Which is if you’re dating Rodrick

Greg will probably get a weird awkward crush on you too

It sort of comes with the territory 

Thankfully you have about one interaction with him every six months or so

All of which are by coincidence or accident

So it’s not really an issue

Unless you’re a babysitter or tutor or something

That’s when things can get messy

But hopefully that won’t be an issue

For now at least

Cause for now he just wants to spend time with you

He just wants to listen to music with you and drive around in his van and kiss your beautiful face

He knows shit won’t always be this easy

So he’s holding onto these good old days while he can

Because he knows these moments with you right now

These early morning texts about weekend plans and homework answers 

Afternoons practicing the drums and trying unsuccessfully not to be distracted by how pretty you are when you watch him

Nights driving around in his van, going nowhere in particular 

Just so you can be together a little longer

Just so you don’t have to go home yet

So he can savor the feeling of your hand in his for a few more minutes

For one more song

These are the good old days

And there will be even better days ahead

And he wants them with you

[harlowsbby]

Urban ignoring you at an after party. You are just wanting to have fun with him and vibe. But he is enjoying all the attention and forgetting all about you. You eventually just leave in tears and head back to the bus. Jack and Neelam are there because jack was tired and just wanted to go ahead and rest. They try to comfort you and are pissed at Urban. But you are just tired of Urban mistreating you, you get a hotel and book the next flight home because you just can’t be near him. Jack and Neelam help you and try to get you to stay but also understand. By the time Urban gets back, wondering why you left and not realizing what he had been doing. Jack lays into him. Urban is in a panic.

You can take it from there lol

All for us

You tended to cling onto people and you told Urban that in the beginning of your relationship with him, of course he didn’t mind because he loved how much you needed him and loved him but eventually he was getting tired of it and wanted his own space and to be around other people without you hot on his tail.

Urban and You were at the after party he was hosting at in Washington D.C. you didn’t really know anybody at the event besides Shloob and the rest of the Private Garden so sticking to Urban’s side the entire night was what you were going to do.

“Urban come on man we’re taking shots at the bar it’s on the house!!” Nemo yelled over the loud music that played in the club.

“I’ll be there in a minute Nemo!” Urban wasn’t completely drunk just a bit tipsy and high off all the weed he smoked before the club and during the club. Partying wasn’t really your scene staying in and watching a romantic movie was your type of scene.

Just as Urban was going to get up and leave you pulled him back by his arm he looked at you with a confused and irritated look on his face.

“Yes baby?”

“Where are you going Urban you can’t just leave me here alone. I don’t know any of these people sitting on this couch.” You stated awkwardly and looked around at all of the either drunk or stick up girls around you.

He smacked his lips and sighed all night you’ve been on Urban and most times he loved how much you wanted him and only him but at the same time he wanted his own space.

“Baby please you’ll be fine you’re a big girl you can mange to sit here by yourself for a few minutes, I’m just taking a few shots with Nemo and the guys then I’ll be right back.”

“Why can’t I come with you?!” You we’re already standing up your purse wrapped around your shoulders and a smile on your face ready to follow Urban to the bar.

“Baby I love you I do I’d do anything for you but please Y/N I need my space, I despise that you always feel like you need to be around me, I am my own person. I don’t need my shadow following me around wherever I go.”

Ouch that one hurt you didn’t even know Urban thought of you that way, you didn’t know anybody if you were being honest and you didn’t really see the issue in wanted to be around your man and only your man but clearly he did.

“I’ll just uh I’ll just stay here then till you get back.” You hugged yourself and went to sit down on the couch before Urban had the chance to say anything else he was being pulled away by Sunni.

“Come on man you’re taking forever.” Sunni laughed and Urban frowned, he looked back at you for as long as he could before he got lost in the crowd of sweaty bodies.

“Was that your boyfriend?” One of the girls on the couch asked you, looking over at her your nose immediately crinkled up. She reeked of alcohol, her hair was a mess and you were pretty positive she was missing an eyelash.

“Yes it was.. why?”

“If that was my man and he was acting like that towards me I definitely would’ve broken up with him.”

“Well it’s a good thing that isn’t your man.” You barked back, tossing her hands up defense she turned to you and smiled weakly.

“All I’m saying if you seem like a really nice girl and the way he treats you doesn’t seem like he’s worth the stress and pain. If he really loved you like he said he does he wouldn’t have a problem with you tagging along with him.” You hated to admit that just maybe this girl was right, ever since you’ve gotten to this club tonight Urban’s been ignoring you and trying his best to blow you off and you were tired of it.

“Thank you so much that means a lot.” The girl gave you a soft smiled and nodded before getting up to find her friends, you sighed and closed your eyes before standing up as well trying to find Urban at the bar through the crowd.

“Where are you Urban.” You mumbled and began to tap your fingers along your purse it was something you did whenever you started to get nervous or overwhelmed.

After looking around the club you finally spotted Urban at the bar with Nemo and Ace. You struggled walking through the crowd of sweaty and drunk people but you safely managed to make it through.

“Uh oh here comes your shadow.” Nemo mumbled in his drink. Urban turned around and mentally rolled his eyes seeing you coming his way.

“Urban I’m staying with you and I don’t care what you say.”

Nemo and Ace snickered and chuckled at your demand, Urban’s face clenched and unclenched.

“No you’re not Y/N go sit back down and make friends or something you’re capable of doing that I’m sure.”

“You know it’s hard for me to be social and you know I have anxiety so leaving me alone isn’t exactly going to help me now is it.”

“Just let her stay Urban she isn’t bothering us at least.” Nemo spoke, you glared at him and turned your attention back to a now red faced Urban.

“Y/N I love you I do and I’d do anything for you but please leave me alone. You’re everywhere I go and it’s honestly really annoying. For the rest of the night do me a favor and act like you don’t know who the fuck I am.” Nemo and Ace ooo’d at his comeback while you were on the verge of tears.

You weren’t sure why he was acting this way but you were fed up.

“F-fine if that’s how you feel I’ll ju-just go wait in the suv.” Urban frowned and reached out to grab you and apologize but with your head hanging low you quickly made your way out of the club.

“Man you sure did tell her ass.” Urban thought he’d feel a sense of relief having you no longer by his side but the minute you left he regretted everything.

After awhile Neelam and Jack were getting tired of being out and had told everyone they’d be resting in the Suv.

“Y/N what are you doing in here? Are you crying.” Worry and concern evident in Jack’s tone he pulled you into him immediately with Neelam right across from his soothing your leg in comfort.

“What happened Y/N?”

“Urban is what happened he knows I have bad anxiety and even coming to the club I didn’t know anybody but obviously Urban and you guys but he kept saying how all I do is follow him around like a shadow.” Neelam frowned at your words because she had no idea why Urban would say something like that to you.

“What made him say that?”

“I don’t know Neelam but I would rather get my own hotel room for the night and leave in the morning.”

“You aren’t leaving Y/N.” Jack was a bit taken back by everything Urban had said to you because Urban was always so sweet and caring when it came to you, the last thing he wanted was for you to leave.

“I can’t stay here Jack especially with not knowing how he really feels about me”

“Well if you feel that’s the right choice we’ll stand beside you but at least let me pay for your room and flight.”

“It’s okay Jack I can pay for my own room and flight honestly.” Just as you were about to book the room Jack had quickly snatched your phone and put in his card information and booked your room.

“Jack why did you do that for?” You punched his shoulder and pouted, rolling his eyes he pulled you back into him and kissed the top of your head.

“I’ll let you pay for your flight and you’re my friend and this is the least I can do.” The car ride back to the hotel was quiet but a peacefully quiet. The entire time you just thought about Urban and your relationship with Urban.

Maybe he was acting out because he had too much to drink but it’s like they say a drunk mind speaks a sober heart.

When you arrived to your hotel room Jack and Neelam helped you check in a settle down before leaving you to be.

“Where’s Y/N at?!” Urban laughed and hiccuped, the beer taking it’s tole on him, Neelam was already off to bed but Jack stayed up waiting to make sure Urban returned safely.

“She left Urban.” Taking his eyes of his private garden ring Jack watched how Urban’s features went from excitement to worry.

“What do you mean she left?”

“Do you not know what you said to her earlier? How you called her your shadow and basically wanted nothing to do with her.”

“What.. what I would never say that to Y/N and you know that Jack.”

“Do I Urban? Because the Urban I know wouldn’t leave his girl or a girl in general to cry her heart out in a city she doesn’t know.” With that Jack got up and went to bed leaving Urban alone standing alone starring in the spot Jack once in.

I’m taking it all for love, doing it all for us.

[larry-22-blog]

Period Complications 5 x ADHD

Hi guys, thank you for all your feedback regarding the series, I hope you enjoy this one too, as always please add your input in, I love to read your comments and messages.

I try to take all the suggestions and include them in the story.

"I'm just so fucking angry! Why is it not fucking working!" I exclaimed in frustration trying to fix the bugs in my code, but I swear each time I fix one, another one just pops around the corner!

I hate this shit!

Who's idea was it to study Computer Science?!

It's bullshit!

I would be better off studying-- screw that! I would be better off not studying anything at fucking all!

I should have become a stripper or something! Would probably make more money selling feet pics to crazy people online than in this shit hole!

"You've got pretty feet… But they are for my eyes only" Erling chuckled from where he was leaning on the doorway, looking at me with his too-damn pretty face.

He's also not wearing a shirt.

Just some shorts. Some short shorts.

And he's sweaty and ---

Seriously why is he so damn hot all the fucking time?

"Awww thanks, babe!" He cheerfully said fist bumping into the air before moving towards me.

"Nope, out! Erling Braut Haland!" I said, trying to make him leave.

He shouldn't see me like this.

I don't want him to see what a mess I am.

Especially under stress.

"You're such a beautiful mess though, baby!" He exclaimed slowly coming closer to my desk, well, his desk. Since it's his house.

I just tried to kick the guy out of his own house.

"What's mine is yours, love, you know it!" He leaned forward from the other side of the desk, head resting on his arm as he watched me with a big smile on his face.

"Seriously what are you? Can you read minds?!" I asked frowning.

"Nah, you just tend to speak out loud when stressed or under pressure. It's cute. I find it quite endearing." He leaned and kissed the tip of my nose.

"Oh, oops!" I felt myself blushing.

"It's super entertaining too! Your mind is very funny, you go from one thing to another then back to the other thing and so on!" He chuckled, taking one of my trembling hands in his much bigger one and kissing the back of it.

"I can't help it… It's my ADHD brain going at 500km/h on a countryside road…" I sighed.

I hate the way my brain works sometimes.

Some other times I like it, makes me feel different but most of the time it's just frustrating and hard.

I feel so stupid most of the time, always thinking differently, always taking the long way around.

I just want a break from all the stress and pressure sometimes.

"Baby how can you say that, you're so smart, the smartest person I know, the most hard-working and selfless" he moved from where he was leaning over and came around the desk to where I was.

"I just feel like I have to work so much to make up for all these bullshit issues…" I feel tears filling my eyes.

"Baby…" he pulled me to his chest, hugging me tight as he leaned down so I could put my arms around his neck.

"Sorry, I'm all sweaty… I probably stink too" he said in my hair, kissing the top of my head.

"I love your scent," I said against his neck, on my tippy toes, hugging him tighter.

"You're something else baby" he chuckled.

"What do you say about a shower and then some comfy clothes, sneaks and Netflix and chill in our bed?" He proposed his accent peaking through quite a bit.

It's something that happens when he's tired or misses home or his family.

"Sounds like a plan, add some tea to the list and we are good to go," I said, kissing the top of his left pec as I moved away.

I let out an embarrassing loud squeal when he lifted me up and began carrying me upstairs.

"ERLING!! You have to stop carrying me around all the time!" I blushed into his neck.

This man is something else.

"Why? I quite enjoy it, no shush, go get the shower ready, I'll be back in a min with some clothes for us" he put me down in front of the shower and left running back to our room. I could hear him going through the drawers in the walk-in closet of the ensuite, smiling to myself as I started the water, making sure it was the perfect temperature as I undressed and stepped in.

I washed my body and was in the middle of washing my hair when I feel arms around my middle, pulling me back so our bodies are touching.

"I wanted to wash you!" He pouted, looking too cute for his own good.

"You can still wash me, come on, I'll wash you" I proposed, getting the soapy bath fluff nice and bubbly as I proceeded to press it on Erling's chest, washing his toned body. His chest, his arms, his back…

"You've got such an amazing butt… It's unfair!" I could not help myself so I squeezed it, loving how muscular and nice it feels. It looked so good all soapy.

"Hey! Hands of the merchandise!" He joked and I have him a playful slap on the right cheek as I moved back up, trying to get him to lean down to get a kiss.

"No kisses for you, you've been too naughty," he said, straightening his back so he put even more distance between us, smirking down at me.

"Well, I guess I'll just have to continue to wash myself then… Alone" I purposely turned my back to him, bending down to get my favourite shower gel and then proceed to wash my body, soaping up my chest and then looking up to see his reaction.

Well, I could have looked down also, there was definitely a reaction there too.

"Baby!! Those are mine too!" He exclaimed, moving his big hands on my chest, squeezing both my boobs, making me moan as he touched my sensitive nipples.

"Fucking hell, Erling!" I moaned as he moved behind me, pressing his front into my back, not letting go of my boobs as he played with my nipples.

"Love how sensitive they are, how sensitive you are…" he kissed my neck, holding me close as he played with my boobs. I could feel him pulsing against my back, he was hard. And so fucking big.

Everything about this guy is huge. Of course, his dick was also fucking huge.

I blushed at the thought.

"Erling please…" I begged.

I don't even know what I was asking. What did I want?

I just wanted him.

"Baby, slow down, we got all day" he chuckled.

"I want you inside me" I turned around pulling him down so we could kiss.

"No way in hell! Not going to happen on my watch!" He broke our kiss, putting some space between us and I looked confused up at him.

I couldn't help but feel insecure and rejected.

"You don't want to? With me?" I asked, looking sadly up at him.

"Of course I fucking want it! I love you, I desire you, can't you see how much you turn me on? I swear I'm always hard around you!" He groaned, using his hand to release some pressure on his very much still rock-hard cock.

I blushed, looking away.

"Then? Why do you keep rejecting me…" I whispered, looking up at him, into his lovely green eyes.

I love his eyes. They are such a complex colour, I swear they constantly change, depending on his mood.

"I'm not rejecting you, baby, I just don't want it to happen like this, it's your first time! It's supposed to be special, perfect! Not a fucking quickie in the shower!" He explained passionately.

I love how passionate this guy is about everything he does, and everything he loves.

I especially love it when I see him so passionate about me.

My man.

"I love you Erling. Thank you for loving me and taking care of me, always. Thank you for being you." I said hugging him.

"It's going to be perfect and special no matter what because it's you," I admitted, kissing his chest, right where his heart is beating so strongly.

"You're the same to me, we're perfect for each other, soulmate and all." He whispered, tightening his arms around me and kissing my forehead.

"Now, let's finish here," he said, starting the water again.

We quickly washed ourselves this time, to avoid distractions.

Erling finished quicker, he got out first, getting towels for both of us, before starting to dry himself.

He was a sight.

In all his naked glory.

His body was art.

"Take a picture, it lasts longer" he commented, not even turning around from where his muscular back is facing me.

I blush for the tenth time today.

Seriously what is his secret? Does he have superpowers?

How the hell did he see me?

"I have to be very aware of my surroundings baby, I'm a footballer, remember" he joked.

"I don't think I could ever forget you in your Manchester city home equipped even if I try. Wet dream material." I admitted, getting out of the shower and shivering because of the temperature change.

He immediately helped me, putting the big towel around me and a smaller one on my head.

"Awww thanks baby, glad to know you get off on me wearing the blue kit, got to wear it more often," he said, his cheeks a bit pink too.

"Or just don't wear anything, that would work too, for getting me off" I suggested, playfully.

"Oh shush it you, you would constantly blush whenever you see me partially baked! You would not resist me being naked around you!" Erling said while drying my hair carefully.

"No, I don't!" I slap at his arm.

Ok, maybe I'm a bit intimidated by him, especially naked. But like who isn't? Have you seen him?

He's a fucking God. A Nordic God.

"I love it when you do that anyways, don't worry. I find it very cute, the way you react around me" he admitted.

"Shut up" put the other towel on top of his head, pouting.

"Awww my little angry kitty," he said, leaning down to kiss all over my face, as I tried to stop him, giggling.

We ended up using the same drier for drying our hair, I let him have a go first Erling while doing my night routine then took it after he finished while he was doing his own night routine. Much simpler than mine.

"Let's get in bed!!" He suddenly said, lifting me up and walking out of the bathroom, ignoring my protests.

"Erling!!!"

"I prepared you some clothes" he gestured to the pile of clothes on the bed, one of his kit light blue shirts, which was a dress for me and a pair of short white yoga pants, together with some fluffy blue socks and for him just some white boxes.

"You're basically naked" I comment, dressing myself in his shirt, loving how big it feels on me, then going to the closet to get some panties, deciding on some white ones.

"Very nice sight baby" he commented from the bed as he looked at me since I left the door of the closet open. I was bent down to pick the panties and of course, he was watching.

I blushed and immediately pulled the shirt down to cover myself.

"Perv!" I walked back to the room, closed the window shades and joined him on the bed.

"Oh God, this bed is like heaven…" I moaned as my back hit the soft material of the sheets, pulling the covers over me as I moved closer to Erling, searching for his warmth.

I moved my freezing feet under his shins and I put my hands on his abs to warm them "Nooo, you ice cube! How are you so cold?!" He shivered but hugged me closer.

"I don't know… I'm always cold, but you're hot" I whispered, hiding my face in his chest.

"Even your nose is cold" he giggled.

"What should we watch?" He asked, scrolling through the Netflix recommendations.

"Something with Vikings" I joked, almost asleep. He was just so warm and comfy.

"Hey, don't fall asleep on me!" He nudged me, kissing my hair.

"But I'm sleepy…" I complained, trying to get even closer to him, pulling my covers over my head to hide.

"It's so early thought, what are you, a chicken?" He giggled pulling the covers down.

"I'm an old lady, let me have some peace. You'll understand when you get to my age" I pouted.

"Your age, baby you're 3 years older than me that's no old" he laughed and started tickling me.

Did I mention I'm very, very ticklish?

I absolutely hate being tickled.

"Erling!!!!!!" I squealed, but he was having none of it.

By the time our tickling fight was done, I was trying to catch my breath, my face was covered in tears from how hard I was laughing, while he was laughing his ass off at me.

"Awww baby I made you cry, come here" before I could react he moved around, hovering over me, not putting all of his weight on me, as he used his arms to support himself but still. He was so fucking heavy!

"Nooo! Get off me you giant! I can't breathe!" I groaned, trying to shove him off, "Aww baby, I made you breathless too, am I this pretty?" He playfully spoke, trying to sound like a girl, flipping his long blonde hair.

"You are actually, the prettiest girl out there" I kissed his nose, moving one of my arms around him while I used my other to run my fingers through his soft hair.

"Hey!!" He playfully protested, but I kissed his pout away, making us both smile dumbly at each other after.

"I love moments as these" I looked into his eyes.

"Me too" he kissed me.

We sat like that for a while, just looking into each other's eyes, smiling and kissing until Erling spoke "Let's go eat something, I'm so hungry"

"You and your appetite, baby, don't know how you can eat so much and be this fit, it shouldn't be possible" I admitted, admiring his body once again as he got up from the bed.

"I'm a Viking baby, we are not normal people" he offered his hand to help me get up but I just rolled over on his side of the bed, pulling the covers over me as I hugged his pillow. I changed the sheets this morning and he barely sat on the bed since then, but I swear it has his scent.

I love his scent with a passion.

"Stop smelling my pillow, I'm getting a bit jealous over here! Plus, you could have the real thing…" he smirked, pulling the covers from around me and pulling me up.

"You can be a brute sometimes, Erling Haland" I sighed, following him out of the room, well not that I had much of a choice since he was holding my hand, basically pulling me.

"Only for you baby" he lifted me up on the island-like counter when we arrived downstairs into the kitchen, kissing my nose and then proceeding to take half of the fridge out to eat.

"You're something else, Erling, I swear…"

Note:

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[spencestyles]

The Other Woman

summary: spencer and meave have a toxic relationship after saving diane and the new agent doesn’t help

pairing: meave x spencer, spencer x BAU!reader

warnings: angst (lowkey), cursing, broken relationship, fluff

words: 4k+

~~~~~~~~~~

Ever since the team and I stopped Diane from killing Maeve, things were different. When I dreamed about meeting Maeve, I thought things would be perfect, we would be a match made in heaven. But after finding out important things she felt to leave out (like she was engaged), the spark was seeming to fade and just genuinely getting to know her personality. Of course our new agent wasn't any help either.

y/n y/l/n

She was different from any other girl I had met. She was smart and a great listener, she was determined to keep learning. She didn't try to outsmart me like Maeve had begun to do. Her biggest talent and asset to the team was her interrogation skills.

"Brian, I know how you are feeling," y/n said to the unsub. "You are upset your dad left you and upset that he left you with your mother."

"She was never a mother," Brian screamed. "That dirty whore didn't know her left from her right."

"The girls?" y/n asked. "Did they know their right from their left?"

"I wouldn't know, I didn't do anything to them," Brian said.

"Well I do, I looked into their background, all single mothers, husband left. They weren't dirty Brian, they were doin-"

"YES THEY WERE. They are all whores. I tried to help them, to help their children. But they were just like she was, a whore."

Since the first day she arrived, I've been enthralled by her presence. Maeve asked to move in around a month ago, I said no. She was so upset it was almost pitiful. It had been an argument that continued for weeks and was heated tonight at our at home dinner date. "Why, Spencer, why can't I move in with you?" She yelled at me.

"Because I barely know you," I yelled back, quickly calming down. "We may have been talking on the phone, but we have known each other in person for five months. I just, Meave, I'm going through a rough time at work. It wouldn't be good for you to move in right now." I made a large breath as Maeve roughly stood up from the table.

"Is there someone else?" Maeve asked. "That new agent, (wrong name), or whatever-"

"y/n"

"Like I said, whatever. Are you talking to her, is there something going on?"

"Maeve, there is nothing going on between y/n and I," I explained. "She is a new agent, she is young, she is like I was when I joined the BAU. I am just trying to help her get settled."

"Why can't JJ do that? She was young when she joined."

"Because JJ was the communications liaison then, she didn't become a profiler until two years ago."

"Whatever," Maeve said, grabbing her purse. "I'm leaving, I need to think."

Thank God

"Ok, we need to talk about this," I said. Maeve muttered something before slamming the door.

Moments like this made me question the relationship I created with Maeve. Maybe it's because I never really knew her. I knew her job and that she was smart, but I didn't know how clingy she was or bitchy and competitive. I don't blame Diane for being so upset. Why was she so upset about y/n, I mean y/n is gorgeous and smart. But she is so young, she's only 24. Tomorrow was going to be a good day, tomorrow I was finally going to make some decisions about Maeve.

Waking up the next morning felt like a chore. The sound of my phone going off was much worse than my alarm clock.

"Reid."

"Spencie, it's y/n," the angelic voice I was longing to hear was music to my ears at 3 in the morning. "We have a case, JJ called me and told me to call you. Which thinking about it is a little strange- wait that's not the point of this call. I need you to pick me up."

"Yeah I can come get you," I said rushing around. "I'll be there in twenty minutes."

"Thanks Spencie, I owe you big time."

Running around my room, I tried to pick my best outfit. y/n loved when I dressed in blue or purple, so I decided I would dress in blue this fine morning. My light blue button down and my tight navy pants, made me look a sexy professional as I would say, so would Derek (and hopefully y/n). I hated driving, but I would never tell y/n that, she is too cute when singing in the car for me to say no to her.

On my way to her apartment (which was very small and in a terrible area), I began to think about what y/n said on the call. JJ called me and told me to call you. Why wouldn't JJ just call me. I mean I do tell JJ about my problems with Maeve and my schoolboy crush on y/n, but she was so upset when I first said it.

"Maeve is literally your dream girl Spence, why are you trying to stop that? And for y/n, now I know she is smart and wow, she is hot, but Spence, she is 24. She still has a lot of growing up to do. Also, I didn't work my ass off to save Maeve for you to end things with her."

JJ was right, y/n was too young and too naive to know what she wanted. Hell, I didn't even know what I wanted. I fell for a girl over the phone and then realized she's not at all what I thought. I should have known.

Arriving at y/n's apartment building I texted her a quick 'here' before noticing her car tire had been slashed. The passenger door opened and y/n sat down handing me a large coffee in her typical reusable to-go cups. "y/n you didn't have to bring me coffee," I said.

"Spence, it's three in the morning and you are driving," you said with a straight face. "I brought you the coffee so you wouldn't fall asleep at the wheel and we would die." I laughed before taking a big swig of the drink and heading to the office.

"I saw your tire had been slashed, what happened?"

"I don't know, JJ called me so I went out to get my go-bag from the car because I left my good mug in it and I saw the tire was slashed. I have no idea how it happened or why, it's really annoying though, I just got new tires." The situation with y/n's tire was strange, I mean she lives in a complex where nearly twenty cars are out front if they aren't in the back lot. Why only her car? Maybe it was nothing special, just a coincidence.

y/n heard my phone ring and looked at the screen, "It's Maeve," showing me the screen. "Why is your girlfriend calling you at 3:30 in the morning?"

"I have no clue y/n, leave it to ring out. I'll get to her later."

This has happened before. When I drop y/n off from a case that ran late or after a night with the team. I get calls and texts from Maeve enraged. Does she honestly not understand we work together. We live less than six minutes from each other, so when we ride together it's not like either of us are going out of our way.

After spending most of the car ride singing to Taylor Swift, we arrived at Quantico and rushed to the elevators. We weren't late, but y/n liked to be early so she didn't look sweaty for the team.

"Why do you hate looking sweaty?" I asked her.

"Well, when our Unit Chief is a TOTAL dilf, I'd like to at least look nice," she said smiling. I frowned. "Kidding Spence, not totally, but I like to look nice because I am still proving my spot on this team and good hygiene is very respectable."

Of course she has a crush on Hotch, not that she has daddy issues or anything. But they are so close and the validation he gives her is a bit too much to be work appropriate. I'm honestly just so glad its not Derek she has a crush on.

"That makes sense, I'm going to call Maeve to she what she needed," I said stepping towards the conference room. "She's been calling me non stop." y/n nodded as she rubbed paper towels on her armpits.

Right as I was about to dial Maeve, her name flashed across my screen, "Hello."

"Spencer, what the hell," she screamed. "Why were you at y/n's at three in the morning."

"Maeve, tell me where I am right now," I said.

"You are at work Spencer," She answered. "But that is besides the point. Why did YOU pick her up?"

"BECAUSE WE WERE GOING TO WORK AND SHE LIVES SIX MINUTES FROM ME," I yelled, tired of her assumptions and bitchy, clingy behavior. "JJ called y/n and told her to tell me we had a case and her car's tire was slashed so she asked for a ride. There is no harm in that."

Maeve let out a large breath, "I don't want you around her anymore."

"What, I can't do that, we work together," I laughed.

"Quit," she said shortly. "Or tell Hotch that she is terrible to work with and isn't qualified for the team."

"Maeve, you are angry. I'm not quitting and y/n is very qualified at her job, Hotch wouldn't believe me."

"Then why do you help her if she's qualified?"

"I told you that last night, this conversation is over." I hung up the phone hearing her protests. I looked over and saw the team looking at me, they obviously had heard the interaction. y/n looked confused. Why was she being brought into this?

The team walked into the conference room, "Garcia, you can begin," Hotch said. Turning to me he said, "We will talk about this before we leave." I nodded. I didn't listen to Garcia presenting the case, but I looked at y/n. She looked like she had been crying, I don't know why, hopefully it wasn't me. After the presentation, Hotch gave us thirty minutes to gather ourselves before we needed to be on the jet.

He pulled me into his office, "What was that in the conference room?"

"Maeve thinks I'm cheating on her with y/n," I said. "It's not a big deal."

Hotch looked at me sternly, "Well it becomes a big deal when our newest agent tells me she should transfer because she doesn't like that she's interfering with your relationship. Now y/n cannot be transferred, she is an asset to this team and the team loves her. You need to sort your shit out with Maeve." I nodded and walked out the door over to y/n's desk where she was getting her small things together.

As soon as she saw me walking over, she began to walk away, "y/n wait."

"I'm going to see Penelope," She said, not looking at me. Even without looking directly at me, the tear stains were evident.

I looked over at JJ who had seen the whole interaction, "JJ what do I do?"

"Well Spencer, you need to either break up with Maeve or get over your crush on y/n," She said sarcastically. "In my opinion, you should break up with Maeve anyway. After hearing that phone call, I think she sounded toxic and manipulative. Give y/n some space, she just got a lot thrown at her. She thinks she's a homewrecker."

I sighed, "I know I need to end things with Maeve, but I feel so horrible."

"You feel horrible even though she treats you like that?" JJ asked, shocked.

"I just don't want her to think I led her on or I actually was cheating on her with y/n."

"You may not be cheating on her with y/n, but Spence," I looked up at her. "You like y/n, you can't deny that. y/n still is the other woman, whether its intimate or not."

JJ was right, I was about to walk up to Penelope's office when Derek reminded us we had to leave. Looking ahead, I saw y/n talking with Hotch. She looked upset and Hotch looked concerned, but when he looked over at me, he was pissed.

As we made it to the entrance of the jet, I told JJ and Derek I would meet them on the jet, wanting to talk to Hotch, "Hey, what did y/n say to you?"

"She told me this was her last case," Hotch said. "She gave Strauss resignation forms and is going to be an elementary art teacher. Now she isn't even transferring. Fix this now or you will be suspended from cases and you will be staying back and doing paperwork until I see fit. You and your relationship problems should not have led to y/n leaving the team."

To say I was shocked was an understatement. y/n was leaving the team. She was leaving because of me. Because I was so enchanted by her smile and the slight gleam in her eye.

Worst of all, she isn't even staying in the FBI. She is going to do the job she said she always wanted to do after the FBI. y/n always told me she wanted to stay in the FBI and then when it got to be too much, she wanted to teach art.

You may say I'm a terrible person for basically emotionally cheating on Maeve, but Maeve and I would never work in the long run. She may have been my back then, but she will never be my forever.

Walking onto the jet, I felt the hostile stares of my teammates. y/n sat at the corner of the jet, alone, reading her favorite book, Little Women. While the book is very boring in my opinion, I understand the appeal to y/n. A strong female lead who doesn't believe in the common standards in her time period. Much like Jo March, y/n was strong willed. She always put up a challenge to the ideas she opposed.

I unfortunately, was Theodore Lawrence in this situation. In love with Jo March, but I needed to show it to her. The only and strongest difference was that I am in a relationship.

I need to end it with Maeve.

That however, will be easier said than done. Maeve is much like Amy March: annoying, greedy, easily angered, jealous, and most of all the one that is settled for.

But no, I, Spencer Reid, will not settle for Amy, I am going to get Jo.

I was walking over to y/n when I was stopped by Rossi, "Don't make it any worse than it already is, kid." Appalled, I looked at him and then the team. Their faces all said the same thing only Rossi was able to make into words. I decided to sit not near them and not near y/n. I sat by myself and created a plan to keep y/n at the BAU.

The plan went as so:

1. Convince y/n to stay and explain relationship problems with Maeve

2. Break up with Maeve

3. Tell y/n what truly happened with Maeve (phone calls, kidnapping, and after)

4. Tell y/n feelings (and pray she feels the same)

This plan was definitely going to be easier said than done. The hardest part being breaking up with Maeve.

The case wasn't eventful and easy to figure out. The unsub was killing people who looked like his wife that left him at the altar. Not once did Hotch put me with y/n, understandably. Instead, y/n spent her time with JJ and Hotch.

I decided to not talk to anyone because I needed to devise my plan. I needed to break up with Maeve, but make sure I kept y/n out of it. That was going to be the challenge, Maeve was going to blame the break up on y/n. I decided to text Maeve a quick 'jet is landing. I'm coming over. We have things to discuss.'

I turned off my phone, knowing Maeve would start blowing it up. The jet landed and I went to begin step one, but Derek stopped me from going towards her further, "Pretty Boy, I know you want things to get right with Pretty Girl, but give her space. Just a little and sort things out with Maeve. After hearing what JJ and y/n have said about her, you should end things.

I nodded and sprinted to my car, seeing as y/n got a ride with Penelope. The ride over to Maeve's house was tense, even though I was alone. I couldn't stop thinking of the outcomes that could occur tonight.

Making it to Maeve's apartment, I kept reciting all the things I could say to her.

"I don't feel a spark anymore." Decent.

"You are a controlling bitch." Too harsh.

"I never really knew you." Getting there.

"I think we need to try new things." Fuck. I had made it to the door and I didn't know what to say without the possibility of hurting her. Breaking up with her is the only thing I can do to save my friendship with y/n. Its also the only thing I can do to save myself from this toxic mess of a relationship.

I knocked on the door and it was immediately opened by a very angry Maeve, "Spencer, finally you are here. You were taking so long I thought something may have happened, were you with y/n?"

"No Maeve, I wasn't with y/n," I sighed. "In fact we aren't even talking."

"Well that's perfect," Maeve said. "Why do you look upset about that?"

I looked at her surprised she didn't understand, "Because Maeve, she heard our fucking fight yesterday morning over the phone. She isn't talking to me because she thinks she ruined our relationship-"

"She did-"

"NO SHE DIDN'T MEAVE!" I screamed. "y/n is leaving the team because you are jealous of anyone in my life. First it was JJ, so I pushed JJ away. Then Derek, so I pushed Derek away. You have ruined all of my friendships with my coworkers and are now making work a living hell. y/n didn't ruin our relationship because it was already fucking ruined Maeve. How did you not see it?”

"What? Spence?" Maeve went to touch my arm.

I stepped away, "No Maeve, this is over. We are over. After we stopped Diane, I thought we would be perfect. But we aren't, we aren't good for each other at all. Whenever I accomplish anything at all, big or small, you fucking disregard it and talk about something you did. I am helping y/n, I like y/n. y/n is nice and she listens to my facts and she doesn't judge me for having feelings."

"Spencer, do you think I do that?" Maeve asked with a fake sweet act.

"Think? No Maeve, you do all of those things. Yesterday you told me to quit my job or tell Hotch y/n wasn't qualified. You should be supporting me. This relationship is not good for me. I am leaving, none of your stuff is at my place so you don't need to come over ever again." I quickly left the apartment, ignoring Maeve's pleas for forgiveness.

Sitting in my car, I quickly drove off to y/n's house. I needed to see her, to explain to her what had been happening.

YOUR POV

When I met Spencer, he was my mentor. Very quickly after that however, he became my best friend on the team. Since we lived so close together, it was common for us to carpool to and from work and work events.

I quickly learned about Maeve once I began to get closer with Spencer. Spencer's manipulative, psycho bitch of a girlfriend that was out to ruin my life. I had never done anything to try and involve myself in their relationship, but when they have problems it's always my fault.

After hearing Maeve and Spencer's phone call, it was a no brainer for me to leave the team. However, I knew that wasn't enough for me to get rid of the taunts I had been receiving from Maeve. And by taunts I mean she slashed my tire. I was offered a job at one of DC's most prestigious private schools to teach art and after the phone call, I decided to take it.

Now, I wasn't upset that Spencer didn't like me back. I was upset that Maeve was making him decide between us when nothing had ever happened. I thought Spencer was cute, definitely, and there were times when we were a little too touchy or flirtatious. But, I saw it as Penelope and Derek and I'm sure he did too.

I sat in Penelope's car trying to focus on the road whilst she was screaming at me, "WHY ARE YOU LEAVING? You can't leave y/n. You just got here and we like you here. Maeve and Spencer have had problems for a few months, it's not because of you. JJ and Maeve also got in a fight because he thought Spencer was too handsy with her and I've barely ever seen them touch.”

"Pen, I'm leaving because I have a great job opportunity," I tried to reason. "I was eventually going to take it, but I don't want to hurt Spencer's relationship." Penelope sighed, giving up her attempt to have me stay. We got our Wendy's before Penelope went to drop me off.

As Penelope drove up to my apartment, I noticed a figure standing in front of my house. It looked familiar.

Spencer

"Pen, so you think I can stay over tonight?" I asked.

"No, go talk to pretty boy, have him explain," Penelope responded.

I walked up to my apartment, Spencer looked at me. His face lighting up under my front porch light. He had flowers in his hands. Daisies. "Spencer, what are you doing here?"

SPENCER'S POV

"Spencer, what are you doing here?"

"If you'd let me in I think you need to know what has been happening," I said handing her the flowers.

"Okay, come in," She said grabbing the flowers and unlocking the door. "That you for the flowers."

"Daisies are your favorite," I said quietly. "You never told me, but you always said you liked the name Daisy for your daughter and I just assumed."

"You guessed correctly Spencer," y/n said putting the daisies in a jar.

I sat on her couch, the one I had sat on to watch countless episodes of Dr. Who when I needed to get away from Maeve.

"Can I explain?" I asked as she walked over with a coffee.

"Sure Spencer, but I don't think any explanation will make me stay," she answered.

I sighed, "Well you know the whole Maeve back story right?" she nodded. "Well after we saved her things were great. I was happy, so happy and so in love. But around the time I started to die down from the holy shit you just almost died phase, I began to notice all the flaws and toxic traits in her and our relationship."

y/n nodded, "And you couldn't see any of that before because you only ever talked over the phone?"

"Correct. Maeve, she is very smart. So smart that she often would say things to undermine the fact I went into the FBI and as she would say instead of something useful. At first I thought it was a harmless joke, but when she began to say things like that in front of the team, it crossed a line. When I confronted her, she accused me of lying, saying she never said anything like that. She has always been decently jealous, she was jealous of JJ and even jealous of Alex Blake. Blake's spot is the one you filled, she was like a mom to me. Now, she is jealous of you.”

y/n looked motionless, "Why is she jealous of me Spencer?"

I looked over at her nervously, "y/n we are very close right?"

"Yes, Spencer, you're like my best friend."

I nodded, "yes and Maeve didn't like that. She was very jealous of you because at one team dinner before you joined, Garcia showed us a picture of you from Instagram. When everyone saw the picture, everyone was like wow she is so pretty and you know, you are very gorgeous and I'm a bad liar so I agreed. Maeve and I got into a huge fight because of that. Ever since, she is like really jealous and then we sorta became a mentor, mentee relationship because you are so young and I was so young when I joined.”

y/n looked surprised. Did she not know the team thought that about her. However, y/n nodded, telling me to continue.

"Then I realized how close we lived and we started to carpool and hang out. This was when the aggressive texts and phone calls began. The team knew I needed to break up with her, but I didn't want to make it look like we were seeing each other, you would never like someone like me.”

y/n laughed, "She was jealous because we carpooled? Did you know she was the one that slashed my tire that morning, I got a clip of it on my Ring doorbell."

"Seriously? Sounds about right. Anyway, I broke up with her. She isn't what I want y/n. I want to be with you. And I know you might not like me and-"

y/n cut me off with a laugh, "Spencer are you serious?" I looked at her confused. "I have had a crush on you since I first met the team. I was heartbroken when I found out you had a girlfriend."

"Actually?"

"Spence, why would I lie to you?"

"Will you come back to the BAU?"

"I'll talk to Strauss, but I think if we want to do anything we should wait. I don't want people to actually think we were having an affair."

I laughed, "Definitely not. You were the other woman though. Kept me up all night thinking, dreaming. You infatuate me y/n y/l/n."

"Well I am very glad we got that done with," y/n said. "Watching you with Maeve was like watching the end of Derrick and Addison's relationship on Grey's Anatomy."

"What?"

"Never mind Spence, we will have to save this topic for another day."

—————

in light of the recent allegations against mgg, i will no longer be posting mgg content. however, mgg is not spencer reid, spencer reid is a character. please understand that at this moment i am working on a new username

* IF ANYONE HAS NEW USERNAME IDEAS PLEASE SEND THEM TO ME or i may just be changing to spencerscumslut

[pascalpanic]

Blood, Sweat, and Tears (Javier Peña x f!Reader)- Chapter One

Summary: You live in Bogotá in the ‘90s, and work odd hours. No, you’re not a DEA agent, but a nurse. These odd hours prompt odd habits, like working out at 2:03 A.M. after a shift. Odd hours attract odd people, and you have a chance encounter with one DEA agent by the name of Javier Peña. Warnings: language, blood and violence (both graphic), descriptions of death and gun violence Chapter 1 W/C: 2.3K A/N: you guys! I am so in love with this fic. I already have quite a bit more written and can’t wait for you to read it! I hope you love it as much as I do! Javi deserves some softness... but not too much. this can’t all be fluff when you’re Javier Peña. Okay, this is not super canon-fitting of Narcos, I’m just gonna be honest with y’all. This is between the time of Escobar’s escape from La Catedral and his final capture and death, but also… Connie’s still in Colombia. Additionally, I don’t really have a year in mind, it’s just somewhere in that period. Please note that this is not a very lighthearted story- it begins with a death, though not of a significant character. Javier and reader both have some trauma, so please check the warnings of each chapter before you start reading. If you’re continuing on, I hope you like it! For the most part, if I use italics here when someone is speaking, it’s indicating that it’s in Spanish. I’m okay at the language, but I don’t want to butcher anything, so… just imagine it. Otherwise, it’s just the way anyone would use italics I guess.

next chapter

Chapter One

You watched a woman you didn’t know die in your arms tonight.

 She was beautiful, all dressed up to go out and party, her makeup running down her face with tears. Her lips were the painted the color of the blood that trickled from the side of them, eyes glazing over as she coughed and coughed and ruined the beautiful dress she wore. The nurses had asked what happened, and she had told them, through gurgles of blood: she had slept with one of Escobar’s men. She got too close, learned too much, and they tracked her down. 

She flatlined not long after telling the nurses around you. You had stood in the corner, paralyzed at first. You were an experienced ER nurse, nothing was new. You had seen patients die, but something about her was different. Maybe it was the way she reached out to you right before her body went limp. You didn’t make it to her bedside in time to calm her, the panic holding you down, but you finally took her hand right as she took her last breath. 

After she passed, you threw up in the bathroom, shaking and clutching the toilet. The night air had grown unbearably hot and humid, causing your scrubs to cling to your skin, and the sweat from the heaving of your stomach didn’t make things easier on you. Lorena, a fellow nurse and your best friend at work, had found you and comforted you, rubbing your back and bringing you water. It didn’t matter. It couldn’t reverse what had happened. 

Now, you sit on a bench in the staff’s locker room, redoing the ponytail holding your hair from your damp face. Your shift ended a few minutes ago, but you don’t know what to do now. You don’t feel like drinking; that would only make the visions swimming in your head worse. You know you can’t go home, can’t attempt to find sleep tonight. You look up and spot a bag with tennis shoes and spare clothing and settle your mind on at least one thing: the gym could do you some good. You change into the clothes and put the blood-spattered scrubs in the laundry pile. 

As you leave, you give Lorena a little wave goodbye and exit the building. You’re hyper-aware of your surroundings tonight, and you groan as you look at your watch and notice that it’s precisely 2:09 A.M. here in Bogotá. The walk to your fitness club is short, but your step is slightly extra hurried and your hand is on your pepper spray the entire time, extra vigilant to the fact that a hit went down somewhere around here just a few hours earlier. Surprisingly enough, no one catcalls or bugs you tonight. 

The little gym is run-down and dilapidated, and there’s no working air conditioning, but it’s the only one near you. You paid the small monthly membership fee to gain access, and you were going to use it to get in shape, you’d decided. As you swipe in and enter, the tiny fitness center looks more depressing in the fluorescent lights, no daylight to sugarcoat the atrocities of the center. There are two of every machine, a punching bag and a speed bag, two weightlifting racks, and a couple of benches. 

It’s nice that you get to work out alone tonight, you tell yourself. Even better is the fact that you now get to control the music. Desperate for a taste of home, you flip the large boombox in the corner on and begin scanning the airwaves with the dial. There’s a station in town that plays American music, and you need it more than anything tonight. You listen carefully and nearly start sobbing again as you hear Billy Joel’s voice through the speakers. With a sigh of relief, you lock your bag in the rusty lockers in the corner and head to the treadmill. It’s a beat up old thing, but this is the one you always use. It provides a little bit of comfort tonight, the familiarity of it. You turn it on low and start walking. A few moments later, you up it to a jog, mouthing along to the words of the familiar song. 

As the song ends, you push the buttons enough to enter a running speed. Your feet slam into the treadmill harder than normal tonight, feeling as overwhelmed as when you left the hospital. Your body finally works up a sweat, the physical stress overwhelming the mental stress. 

As the events of tonight replay in your head to some other song from the late 80’s, your eyes start to water. Everything was so overwhelming, and your mind is just starting to process it. You finally allow the tears to fall, mixing with the sweat coating your cheeks. It’s hard to tell which is causing more of the mess, but you let yourself cry it out as you run for the next few minutes. 

The next song that comes on is Venus by Bananarama. You almost chuckle at the fact that it’s a few years old by now, but the song is comforting. It reminds you of home, of a time before you had issues like these. You slow down the treadmill a little, singing to the words aloud once you catch your breath enough. Daring to do a little spin on the rolling surface, you groove along to the music, chuckling a little

After the first chorus, you hear a creaking noise and whip around to find a man standing in the doorway. “Jesus fucking Christ!” You shout before you can stop yourself, hopping off the treadmill and onto the non-moving one before you get flung off. Your heart is pounding from the running, only intensifying the adrenaline rush from the scare. 

The man chuckles a little, but the smile on his face doesn’t reach his eyes. He’s tired- of course he is, it’s now 2:30 in the morning. “Lo siento,” you offer in Spanish, cringing at yourself and your reaction just now. “I wasn’t expecting anyone else to be here this late,” you stutter, still panting from the running. He shakes his head lightly. “You’re American,” he says simply. In English, in a beautifully American accented voice.

Your sweaty brow furrows, a glimmer of hope sparking inside your chest as you notice that he speaks like an American himself. “So are you.”

He nods at that. “That I am,” he says as he puts his things in a locker, snapping it shut behind him. He looks at you for a moment. You’re not working at the Embassy, or he’d know you. It was rare to find an American down here that wasn’t working for the government somehow. He shakes his head and runs a hand through his hair, looking at how tired he appears in the big mirrored wall. He’s curious, but he’s exhausted. 

You look at him for a moment. “You going to explain anything, like, tell me about yourself? Or do I have to go first?” You ask, hands on your waist as you hop back on the slowly moving treadmill, back into moving. He doesn’t respond. “Fine. I know you’re government. I’m not an idiot.”

He chuckles and tugs on his t-shirt, moving to the treadmill next to you and getting on. It’s been ages since you’ve held a conversation in English, and you missed this, missed how easily your first language flows from your mouth. “And you’re not.”

“Correct,” you nod, turning up the speed a little on the machine until you’re at a light jog. “My bigger concern was going to be why you’re here at 2-fucking-30, but I’m guessing I know the answer. You get called in around here for the hit?” He nods, starting the treadmill up and walking on it. 

“You don’t have to be so guarded, Jesus. I fucking hate Escobar, I’m on your side,” you scoff before turning up the machine until you’re running once more.

Javier shrugs. “Makes sense. How did you know-”

“She died,” you say quickly and firmly, keeping your eyes straight ahead and looking at the room around you. “Add that to your file.”

He nods, understanding a little more now. You knew her somehow. He doesn’t say a word either, cranking up the machine and heading into a jog too.

A few more minutes pass of the two of you silently running next to each other, the American music still playing throughout the gym. It’s a comfort to Javier too. Tonight was shit for the DEA- they had known Escobar’s men would be around here. They had the intel, they had everything ready, but the men somehow had escaped and left a victim in their wake. 

The frustration of everything, of the man being something close to home for you yet being a brick wall, threatens your eyes with welling tears again. “I just wanted to talk with an American,” you sigh and cross your arms, moving back into the walking stage of a treadmill. 

The man next to you gives a similar sigh, stopping his treadmill completely and offering you a hand. “Javier Peña.” You take it reluctantly, feeling the sweat of both of your hands mix, and tell him your name before retracting it and stopping the treadmill too. “So, what brings you to the gym at 2:30?” He asks, crossing his arms and leaning against the center part of the treadmill. 

“I’m a nurse. I work the graveyard shift. Bad night, a patient died because she got fucking shot for having a boyfriend and not knowing he was a narco, I need to get something out, I come here,” you shrug, unconsciously mimicking him by folding your arms as well. 

He nods at that. “I’m here for the same. Shitty stakeout, I’m pissed off, I come here.” He leaves out the part about his favorite call girl being taken, and how he needed another way to get the rage inside of him out. He walks off of the treadmill and to the weight rack, pulling a bench beneath the bar.

You turn again and turn the machine back on, slowly jogging. “I see. Odd hours to be here, that’s why I asked,” you say simply. “And to see another American at such a time. I haven’t interacted with one since I came here.”

Javier nods, adjusting the weights on the bar. “Yeah. Weird,” he nods. “And that you’re an American who isn’t working for the government and you’re down here. What, you got a husband who works for us?”

You shake your head, swallowing hard for a moment. “No, don’t have a husband in the first place,” you admit, adjusting the ponytail holding your hair up. “It’s a long story.”

“We got time,” he shrugs as he gets on the bench beneath the rack, looking at you in the mirrored wall. Even with the sweat and the stress of working out, he notices that you’re gorgeous. You have a nice body, and even your face is pretty while you’re working out.

You shake your head. “Fine, if you really want to hear it.”

“Might as well. It’s that or more of this fucking Wham! music, and I’m sick of George Michael.”

“First of all, first person here gets the music, so mind your manners.” This finally earns a chuckle from the man, and you want to smile but it just can’t come. “I came down here with a man. He’s a citizen here. We were going to get married, but he left me. That was a couple of months ago now,” you admit, the tears beading in the corner of your eye again. “My work visa was still valid, and I renewed it so I can keep working at the hospital. I don’t really have anyone down here except the girls I work with, but I like helping out. They need me.” He nods a little as he listens, breaking his focus as he starts his reps with the bar.

“And you’re government, so that explains everything I need to know about you,” you continue to babble. “One of the girls I work with has a husband who’s at the Embassy. Murphy,” you say offhandedly. 

Javier’s attention is caught, and he sets the bar on the rack. “Murphy?” He asks, and you turn your head to look at him and give him a nod. “No shit. That’s my partner.”

You chuckle slightly and look back at him, stopping the treadmill. “So you know Connie?”

Javi nods. “Yeah, great gal. She could do better than Steve,” he says, sitting up.

You laugh softly at that. “From what I’ve heard of him, I agree. She’s a really great girl, you’re right,” you nod in agreement, looking back at him. “She’s never mentioned you. She says her husband’s in janitorial, but we all know that’s not true. What, you guys CIA? DEA?”

Javier nods again. “DEA.”

“I see,” you say, folding your arms and leaning against the machine. “Can’t make you many friends around here. I learned pretty quickly to keep my mouth shut about being a gringa. They can usually tell though.”

“You’re right,” he chuckles and cracks his back.

You bite your lip as you look at him, your voice watery when you can finally speak again, suddenly overwhelmed by emotion again. “It’s nice to talk to someone in English again,” you admit with a forced smile. 

He can read your eyes easily. You’re a nurse, and you told him that the victim died. You saw it. “It is,” he nods, reading your pain and trying to show you he empathizes with it. Your eyes are beautiful, he notices as he looks into them. So much more hope and trust than anyone else he works with, but the pain in them is unbearable. He looks away, leaning back on the bench to lift again.

“So where you from in the States?” You finally ask when the silence is too long. 

“Laredo, Texas,” he chuckles. “Yourself?”

[setsuntamew]

Today it's time for "paper reviews with Killian" aka using fountain pens has made me utterly pretentious about what paper is in my notebooks. And since my favorite paper, Tomoe River, was discontinued at the end of 2021, I've been desperately searching for a replacement.

Which has lead me here! Endless Recorder is probably my favorite notebook on the market right now. The original uses 68gsm white Tomoe River paper, available in dot grid, square grid, lined, or blank- with a table of contents and numbered pages for all but the blank version. It's hard back with a buttery smooth cover, available in 5 different colors, and has two bookmarks inside. I prefer lined notebooks, which is much harder to find (compared to blank or dot grid) when it comes to Tomoe River paper, and they're just really well made notebooks.

BUT since the paper is getting discontinued, they switched to a new paper- 80gsm Regalia paper. Everything else is the same, but I'm very hesitant about change >_> The fountain pen community has touted Cosmo Air Light as a great replacement for Tomoe River, so I tried it...and absolutely hated it. So I've been very nervous about my favorite notebooks changing. Let's move on before I admit just how many of the originals I've hoarded...

New on the left, original on the right

The covers look pretty much the same - save for a font change - but the width is the first real sign that something's different. 80gsm paper is thicker than 68gsm, so the new Recorder is a bit heftier than the original. Same two bookmarks, though!

Original on the left, new on the right

The inside of the covers look almost identical, except for more small font changes. The ink seems more saturated as well, though I wasn't sure if that was just the lighting.

Original on the top, new on the bottom

The ink is definitely more saturated on the new paper. I'm not sure if it's because of the way the paper is made - I never promised to understand the science behind paper - but I do know it looks nice.

Original on the top, new on the bottom

The page numbers and lines are nice and crisp in both, and once again more saturated in the new version.

Original on the left, new on the right

And now, the actual important part: how does it write? I tested it with two pens & inks. The dark blue is shimmery with very little variation in color while the muted mint looks a bit different depending on how saturated it is. The pictures don't quite capture it (probably because I used my phone camera for all of this), though I can still talk about it.

For the most part, the new one behaved very similarly!! It's got just a bit more tooth than Tomoe River, though most papers do; TR is just incredibly smooth. The new paper is also wetter, somehow. I was using a broad nib in both pens, and while my TWSBI 580 is pretty juicy, it was particularly so on the Regalia paper. I'm not complaining, though- I like broad lines that show off as many dimensions of my inks as possible. It does mean that ink takes longer to dry- though part of the smearing also came from my sweaty hands. It was really hot the day I worked on this, and the air conditioning isn't working right in my house ><

So, I'm left-handed, which means I usually rest my hands on the paper in weird ways to avoid smearing wet ink. I've found that paper can hold onto oils from the skin and interfere with how ink lays on the page, and the amount it happens depends on the paper. It usually isn't that noticeable on Tomoe River paper, except in very dark inks (with obvious spots missing from words) and very light inks (where words can be much harder to read due to less ink being put down). My biggest issue with Cosmo Air Light was how prevalent this was. It was inescapable; it felt like if I even breathed on the paper, it would misbehave. Any time I want to use it, I have to rest my hand on a separate sheet of paper or risk angering the paper.

As for Endless Recorder's new paper, I am delighted to find that it doesn't seem affect it at all. I made sure to press my hand against the paper and write over it, and it doesn't mess with the ink in the slightest. It seems like such a small thing, but to me, it matters a lot.

Overall, I'm still fussy about having to change, but I'm looking forward to using Regalia paper more regularly- I just have to finish my current notebook. After that, I'm using my brand new Endless Recorder, and I'm hopeful it'll bring me just as much joy as the original.

Endless Recorder can be found on Endless Stationary, as well as many fountain pen friendly stationary stores. Their website currently has both the original and new version, but they won't be restocking the Tomoe River version once their current stock runs out.

[simpingforsoftboys]

Ways They Say “Ily” W/out Actually Saying It

Ft. Iwaoi and UshiTenSemi 

!G/N reader!

So this will definitely be a series! Next up is BokuAka and Kuroken followed by SakuAtsu and SunaOsaKita.

Iwaoi

Hajime always has a supply of yours and Toru’s favorite snacks/foods on hand at any given moment

He knows how much of a hassle it can be to have to purchase your fav. “pick me up” snacks on a bad day- so he takes restocking very seriously

Speaking of food

Every once in a while he’ll make your favorite meal for dinner- just because he has the extra time, he claims- but in actuality making you your favorite food makes him feel closer to you

He’ll also do your laundry and put it away too! As well as perfectly iron your work uniforms and/or dress outfits

He’ll even wash your guy’s shoes and polish them too, but not say anything about it 

If ya’ll don’t thank him, he won’t be sad, but he wants to at least hear that you noticed!

Toru is an Olympic athlete and you’re their lovely s/o- he’ll be damned if you two look anything less than like a model off a magazine

One last thing is how he lets you two cuddle up to him in the morning- after his second alarm has rung- and during his morning run time

It’s the way that he holds you two close and steady in his strong arms, letting you hear the thrum of his heartbeat and/or his calm breathing

Hajime won’t show his love verbally, most of the time it’s shown through little acts of service/skin ship

He’s a quiet but domestic sort of lover

Toru is... pretty lazy in terms of household chores

He’s not really one to care too much about mundane things

His love needs to be shown in big, extravagant ways

Like he’s the type to take you to the beach in summer, just to rent a gigantic lounge float- the type that’s main use is for day drinking- instead of taking you to a bar

Yes it’s relaxing but at this point why not just go to the local pub or something? It’d be cheaper- oh right because he needs to show Instagram that he’s an exceptional lover *cue eyeroll*

Nah, it’s actually because he wants to give you the best of both worlds- that of comfortable luxury and drunkenly passionate intimacy

Sometimes it annoys you and Hajime with how open he is with his love life on social media

But I promise it’s only because he loves you two so much and feels the constant need to brag about you

He does show it in smaller ways too

Like by holding the door open for you two, carrying your bags when shopping and paying for your purchases before you get the chance to even try

He’ll also take note of you and Haji’s current interests and occasionally buy you something *really* nice that he thinks you’ll love

He’s an open guy, but for you two he’ll willing indulge in the quiet moments of life

It’s okay if the rest of the world doesn’t see these moments- the ones where it’s just you three- like when you’re all in a bubble bath sipping that expensive champagne that costs way too much- and enjoying the way the tubs jets massage your back muscles. 

Or when it’s 3 in the morning and he wakes up feeling hot and sweaty, only to find himself trapped between the loves of his life- and not having the heart to wake you up

Not even when Hajime drools on his shoulder, or when your hair tickles him through his shirt

Toru is loud and outspoken but it’s his quiet moments that really show his love for ya’ll

UshiTenSemi

Wakatoshi doesn’t really perceive things like most people

This includes romantic actions

He’ll do something if he feels it needs to be done- not out of love, but because it’s the most logical thing to do- and you three know that

I think his unspoken way of telling you he loves you is when he goes out of his way- logic be damned- to do something specific

Like that one time you wanted to buy the newest gaming console but all the pre orders were sold out, making the only way for you to get one “first come first serve”

This man decided that for you, it was okay if he didn’t follow his routine to a ‘t’

He said goodbye to his sleep schedule and awoke at 2:25 in the morning to make his way to the nearest Yamada Denki to stand in the freezing cold for nearly 6+ hours until the store opened.

He beat majority of the crowd and got you your console, even though he was 51,896 yen poorer, and his sleep schedule would take the rest of the week to get back on track, he decided it was all worth it to see that wide smile on your face

When he’s home he’ll wash some fruits and veggies for you guys and serve them to you on little snack trays to curb your appetite until the next meal 

Speaking of food- he definitely cooks a light breakfast for ya’ll before he leaves for morning practice

Husband material right here-

Toshi’s love is like gravity in a way

There’s set laws of nature that applies to it- unquestionable and unchanging; something you’re perfectly understanding of- but the slightest change of it is so noticeable that it leaves you in a state of surprise, making you appreciate all that he had done before in a new light, and looking forward to seeing more of it during your daily life.

Satori is a sap and for what-

Like he’ll make all of you delicious little chocolate treats (but Wakatoshi’s is made differently so that it’s more healthy... because he’s an athlete and needs to watch his diet)

On that same note Eita can’t have much chocolate either... since it’s actually able to cause phlegm... oh well more for you I guess

When you oversleep he wakes you up by digging his long, w i g g l y fingers into your sides and TICKLES you

It’s a really nice way to wake up actually- laughing your sleepiness away

He loves seeing your laughter induced teary eyed gaze and wide smile in the morning- it fills him with more energy than a triple mocha frappe.

Something else he likes to do is have you lie on top of him and trail his fingers up and down your face

I mean this guy probably has A L L of your facial features memorized- but he really just likes to look at you- and see you gazing back

That last one is something only you and him do- Eita gets too flustered if Satori even tries, and Ushijima would just... kinda smile oddly, stare, and lay really still? Yeah as much as he loves your awkward miracle boy- it’s not as fun when he’s still as a statue and not relaxed

When he’s not being cute, Satori is dragging you three into his random adventures

Like it could be literally 1 am and he is up and raring to go to the beach

Ofc he won’t force anyone to come with him- but it’s not quite as fun without someone accompanying him

Occasionally he can convince Toshi and Eita to join- but for the most part it’s just you and him

Ya’ll always have a blast and make a bunch of fun memories

Did I mention that he comes to you first before your other two partners when he wants to go adventuring? Because he does-

Sometimes you go to watch the sunrise in his car but binge watch anime while waiting for the sunrise

He’s a spontaneous, fun lover- and he has the most fun when it’s with you

Eita is... surprisingly romantic too?

Like damn he writes love songs about your foursome RELIGIOUSLY

Hell over the course of your 5 or so years together he has written nearly 7 full albums dedicated to ya’ll-

Guess you’re an inspiration or smth

Even if you can’t sing WHATSOEVER this mans rose colored glasses effects are so prominent that he could listen to you for hours on end

No but seriously he is so obsessed with everyones voices (not that he’ll say it but like it’s obvious at this point)

I mean ya’lls vocal ranges are just so different!

Obvi Toshi has a bass voice, Satori has more of a baritone one (though he really does try to pass off as a tenor for some reason)- and then there’s you- it’s so interesting to him to hear you guys talk to each other (and sing-) because of how your voices overlap

He’s the type to buy you roses whenever he’s feeling extra appreciative and maybe a new set of lingerie or some silk night wear

I don’t know why but despite his extensive collection of leather EVERYTHING, he really enjoys seeing you in expensive, clothing

And then he won’t shut up about how attractive you are XD

Oh but he’ll also buy all four of you matching silk robes too so you can be comfy together

But don’t be posting about it on social media or anything- these are for your eyes ONLY! No one else should get to see his partners like this but him

Don’t even get me started about date nights

Because he’s insisting that everyone wear something of his

Dude you only have leather clothing wdym-

Unfortunately there’s a slight issue since everyone’s different sizes so he does the next best thing

He commissions custom made leather jackets for ya’ll

They have your initials and everything

Black leather with white and lavender print- reminiscent of Shiratorizawa days long passed

Eita appreciates all of you in his own cute ways, and loves seeing little bits of him on you because it makes him feel connected to you even more

[sweetmidnights]

Cool for the Summer (Emily Prentiss x Olivia Benson

Words: 1.6k

Summary: Emily Prentiss and the team go to NYC to help Olivia Benson and the Special Victims Unit catch a perp. Emily and Olivia seem to have some… tension.

Warnings: implied sexual themes, short but graphic confession to r*pe (it is marked by *)

Requested by: @reids187iq : IMAGINE OLIVIA BENSON AND EMILY PRENTISS IN THE SAME ROOM. I WOULD PAY GOOD MONEY TO SEE THAT

(pretend the caption to the gif does not exist)

“Benson, I swear to god. You cannot go into that interrogation room just to yell at the unsub.” SSA Emily Prentiss of the FBI’s Behavioral Analysis Unit scolded Detective Olivia Benson of the NYPD’s Special Victims Unit. Her dark, curled hair was settled on her shoulders, grazing the bare skin of her arm that was exposed from her red tank top.

“Listen, all of your psychology mumbo-jumbo works fine for you, I’m sure. But here in the city, we do things differently and it gets the job done.” Olivia’s chest was heaving, her golden brown hair hanging delicately around her collarbones and sticking a bit to her forehead where the sweat had accumulated in the heat of the city’s latest power outage.

Just moments ago, Emily had all but ran into the interrogation room and pulled Olivia out by the back of her shirt, hissing in her ear, “That’s enough,” as her spindly fingers dug into the flesh of the detective’s tanned bicep.

“Mumbo-jumbo or not, that unsub will shut down completely if you back him into a corner. He’s a typical sexual sadist who thrives on inflicting pain on others. We have profiled him as having intense neglect issues from years of psychological abuse at the hands of a mother figure. You running into that interrogation room and yelling at him will only serve to push him back into a state of silence and dissociation that he learned to employ in order to survive in his household. That is why he keeps the women drugged as he assaults and murders them-- he needs them to be as powerless as he felt growing up as he takes out his unresolved anger at his mother.”

Emily was pacing the floor and wringing her hands together as she watched the unsub sit completely still, almost as if he were a statue. His breathing was calm and deep, his eyes shut and lips minutely shaping themselves into what Emily could only assume was a sequence of numbers-- a tactic often used by anxiety patients to ground themselves in a moment of panic. She could feel more than see Olivia sidle up next to her, watching intently as the man continued to silently count.

“Okay, so then what do we need to do?” Olivia’s voice was still rough, remnants of her overenthusiastic yelling when the unsub got a little too cocky. Out of the corner of her eye, Emily saw as a bead of sweat dropped from Olivia’s jaw onto her chest, running down into her cleavage tantalizingly. She quickly shook her head and pushed that thought away, she was here for a job and not to be swooning over the sexy detective she had been paired with for the case.

“Here’s what I am thinking. He seems to have an intense hatred for women, particularly early-middle-aged women like us. I’ve got to believe that when his mother was around our age she began the abuse or in some way the abuse worsened and that is why he is targeting women in this age bracket and not his mother’s current age bracket. If we go in there and play upon the fact that we are women, we might get him to break.”

Olivia quickly interjected, “Okay, so like rubbing it in his face that we are powerful, strong women who he cannot tame? Women who don’t need men?”

Emily nodded her head, “Yes, something along those lines. What we need to do is both demonstrate that we are more powerful than his mother ever was while also tantalizing him in the process. I know that appealing to his own sexuality will not work, his hatred for women is too strong. If it comes down to it, we could also start flirting with each other and make him feel like we are outcasting him, remind him of how worthless he felt without antagonizing him, we most likely can get him to brag about his accomplishments and even where he is hiding the last girl.”

Olivia’s face flushed at the thought of flirting with the agent, even if it was for interrogation purposes. Both women steeled themselves, shared a look, and entered the interrogation room.

“Hi, Jeremy, how are you doing today?” Emily started sweetly, smiling at the unsub and sitting down in the seat furthest from the door. Olivia loomed next to the closed door, hesitant until Jeremy looked at Emily.

“Olivia, why don’t you come sit down and apologize to Jeremy here? I know you didn’t mean to be so harsh with him earlier.”

Olivia took that as her cue to sit, carefully pulling her chair back and sitting with her elbows on the table, hands clasped in front of her face. “I’m sorry. Jeremy, I shouldn’t have gotten so angry with you. I truly should have known better, I’m so much more intelligent than needing to berate you like that.”

This perked Jeremy’s gaze from Emily to Olivia, his eyes carefully scrutinizing her, looking for signals of deceit. Content with what he saw, he leaned back in his chair but didn’t relax his jaw or shoulders.

“Do you want to hit the weight room after this, Emily? I want to try for a PR on the deadlift, I’ve nearly gotten Elliot’s record beat.” Olivia smirked at Emily and the raven-haired woman stretched a pale arm out to grab at Olivia’s bicep.

“Are you sure you need to go workout again today? You nearly knocked Derek unconscious sparring with him earlier.” Emily’s voice conveyed awe but also a hint of flirtation, leaving that playing field open should they need to use it.”

Without breaking each other’s gaze, Olivia chuckled. “That’s only because he’s a man and he could never measure up to the strength of a woman. He’s a little crybaby and it’s important to me that everyone knows it.”

Jeremy sat forward once more, seething at the women talking so arrogantly about their abilities and so unfavorably about the men in their lives. “You girls have no clue what you’re talking about.”

Emily snorted at Jeremy’s response and finally looked at him, “What, Jeremy? Do you not believe that either of us could kick your ass any day?”

The greasy man sat back with a huff, crossing his arms across his chest as best he could chained to the belt at his waist. “No, I don’t. You’re just a couple of bitches who think they are better than men. Newsflash, there is nothing either of you could ever do to measure up to a man and you both know that you cannot live without men.”

“Oh, can we not?” Olivia’s questioned with mirth. “I think Agent Prentiss and I are both intimately familiar with just how unnecessary men are.”

A tanned hand reached to wrap around a porcelain one on the tabletop, Jeremy unable to look away from the display of affection. Emily shifted closer in her chair to put her head on Olivia’s shoulder, looking up through her lashes at the older woman.

“You are everything I could ever need, baby. Especially considering just how useless men are, especially this one.” Two sets of dark eyes flicked to the unsub who seemed to be seething with rage.

*

“You bitches don’t know anything!” The man began to shout. “I wasn’t useless when I was dragging those poor excuses for women back to my apartment, huh? I wasn’t useless when I fucked them so hard that they bled all over the carpet, huh? No, I was the man and I gave those filthy girls exactly what they deserved. Maybe women should think again before they treat men like the dirt beneath their shoes!”

*

Red in the face, the man’s chest was heaving as he finished his tirade. Both Emily and Olivia traded smirks as they continued on with their performance.

“Oh, you’re the man, alright, Jeremy. I’m sure all the guys in Sing-Sing will get a kick out of you.”

With an outstretched hand, Olivia helped Emily to her feet, resting a hand on the small of the pale woman’s back and shooting a wink over her shoulder at the seething man.

Outside the interrogation room, all of the other agents and Elliot seemed to be staring at the two women who were completely oblivious to the world around them.

“Elliot, I’m gonna go grab a shower to cool off.” Olivia barely let her gaze leave Emily’s as she left for the crib. The pale agent could feel Olivia undressing her with her eyes and felt heat flush her cheeks and leak down into her underwear.

Almost as if she hadn’t realized that everyone was standing right there, Emily followed Olivia out into the bullpen and up the stairs to the crib. Faint sounds of growls and giggles could be heard before the door slammed shut.

“I don’t even want to know what those ladies are about to get up to in there,” Elliot said, shaking his head.

“Yeah, same. I’m not sure I would ever recover,” Derek offered back.

“Recover from what?” Spencer added, confused.

“Oh, Pretty Boy, let’s just not go try to find Emily for a while, okay?”

A snicker could be heard crackling over the cellphone in Derek’s hand. “Has our sweet Emily finally succumbed to the charms of Butchy McFabulous over there?”

The group cackled as Derek responded, “Oh, baby girl, you don’t even know the half of it.”

“I wonder who’s the top and who--”

“Penelope, enough.” JJ chided, not willing to (pretend to) speculate on what exactly Emily got up to in the bedroom.

With that, the group dispersed and did everything they could to not think about the sinful activity happening just above their heads.

Olivia and Emily, however, certainly would never forget their hot, sweaty day in the 1-6.

[ladyblogger-margie]

Will “Ironhead” Miller – NSFW Alphabet

***Female Reader

A = Aftercare (What are they like after sex)

Will prides himself on his excellent and gentle aftercare. It doesn’t matter if your session is rough or soft, he will make sure to take care of your every need. He will clean you up first of course, then he’ll pepper you with sweet and gentle kisses and hold you close. If the weather is hot and you’re both too sweaty for a cuddle, he’ll still find a way to be close to you by tracing patterns on your skin with his fingers or lips. He wants you to feel safe, to feel at home with him.

B = Body Part (Their favorite body part on themselves and on their partner)

Will doesn’t want to admit it, but he is very proud of his chest. It’s perfect for cuddling, but also really strong. He never misses chest day at the gym and if you want his attention all you need to do is touch his chest and he’s all yours.

His favorite part of your body is your hips. He loves grabbing onto them as he pounds into you of course, but he also loves holding them gentle as you dance together in your living room, or tracing his fingers along them while you’re making dinner and he has snuck into the kitchen to sneak a bite.

C = Cum (Anything to do with cum - I am a disgusting person)

Will loves to watch his cum drip out of your wet pussy after he’s fucked you. He’ll watch your body tremble and pulse as it pushes his cum out, then he’ll push it back inside you to watch it all over again. He’ll repeat the process as long as he can. But sometimes when he can’t help himself he’ll scoop some of his cum out of your pussy and put it into your mouth, gently and tell you to suck it off his fingers.

D = Dirty Secret (What do they secretly want)

He wants you to peg him. He will not tell you that until he really, really trusts you. He’s not sure if this is something he’d ever feel truly comfortable enough doing with someone. But when you’ve been together a long time, and you finally admit that it’s something you’ve always fantasized about too, and you talk it out together, he lets his inhibitions go and his secret fantasy is realized.

E = Experience (Do they know what they are doing?)

This man absolutely knows what he is doing. Though if you try to change up the routine or try something knew it can knock him back a bit and he’ll need your guidance to get comfortable and into the rhythm.

F = Favorite Position (Self explanatory)

He loves when you sit on his lap with his cock deep inside you. He loves to press your foreheads together and look deep into your eyes as he slowly bucks into you. You may think you’re in control since you’re technically on top, but really he sets the pace and the general intensity. He loves that from this position he can cling to your hips and rock you on his cock.

Though he also does love doggy style. This position really gives him unrestricted access to your hips and a great view to watch the cum drip out of your pussy after he finishes. He’s mostly slow and gentle, but he does let go from time to time which makes you feel absolutely wrecked.

G = Goofy (Are they serious during sex or goofy?)

He’s a pretty serious guy when you guys are intimate. He wants you to feel good and wants to show you how he can take care of you. That being said, if something happens then sure he’ll giggle with you and make you feel comfortable. However, he does that with the intention of strengthening your bond and deepening a connection.

H = Hair (Are they well groomed?)

This man is one of the most meticulously well-groomed men there is. His facial hair is always immaculate and neatly trimmed which matches his pubic hair. He’s never hairless, except across his chest – he doesn’t want anything to hide the work he’s put in to shape his chest just right.

I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment?)

Will Miller is so present. He is known for his ability to track numbers and his devotion to order, and all that does is make him more attentive. He knows that if you do an extra sun-salutation during your morning yoga routine it’s because you had a bad dream, and if you sneeze twice in a row it means you’re getting sick. He knows you in the small ways. That includes when you two are having sex. He knows every inch of your body and what every sound you make actually means. He knows you completely.

J = Jack Off (Do they masturbate?)

When he was single, he was a twice a week masturbator mostly as a way to relax. He has a routine and he sticks to it. However when you showed up in his life, he rarely does it anymore as the two of you take care of his needs together. There is the occasional time when you’re out of town for work and you sent him a particularly naughty photo or text message and he just can’t help himself.

K = Kink (One or more of their kinks)

He loves to tie you up. He’ll tie your wrists to the headboards, or behind your back and bring you apart slowly. He loves to tie you up starfished on the bed and leave you there while he does the dinner dishes or makes a couple of work calls. Then when he’s good and ready, maybe, maybe he’ll let you cum before he fucks you. The whole time though, he tells how proud of you he is, and how you’re his good girl.

L = Location (Favorite place to do it)

He loves to fuck you in front of a fireplace on some blankets and pillows. He loves the strength of the floor beneath him with the warmth from the fireplace that helps create a thin slick of sweat over your body which he kisses and licks up with pleasure. He loves the act of collecting the blankets and the pillows together and laying them out just so.

M = Motivation (What turns them on or gets them going?)

Will loves when you caress his chest, if you want him to take you, then and there, all you need to do is sneak your fingers underneath his shirt and across his ripped chest. If you can’t get your hands on him, bending over in front of him with no underwear on will absolutely set him off. He loves, loves your pussy.

N = No (Something they will not do. Turn offs.)

He will not slap you. That is a hard rule, he’ll compromise with some playful spanking if you ask, but a slap on the face is something he will never do. The violence of that is too triggering for him and he’s afraid to let go that way around you, afraid he may actually hurt you.  

O = Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skills, etc.)

He loves, loves to give oral. He loves making you fall apart with his mouth. He will live between your legs if you let him. He will spend hours and hours with his lips on your clit and around the lips of your pussy. It’s not always about pulling an orgasm from you, sometimes it’s just to help calm your mind. Though he’ll never deny you a release if you beg.

P = Pace (Are they fast or rough? Or slow and sensual?)

Most of the time Will likes things very slow, very sensual. He is never in a rush and just wants to stay in the moment with you. He likes being able to look back at your time together and genuinely remember the soft touches and gentle caresses. He loves to slowly pull an “I love you” from your lips as he stares into your eyes as he fucks you softly.

However, sometimes a good fuck is absolutely called for and that’s when you’re left with bruises on your hips from the grip of his fingers. His pace is so hard and fast you will not be able to walk after he’s finished with you.

Q = Quickies (Their opinions on quickies rather than regular sex)

He is never going to turn down a chance to be close to you, but quickies aren’t really his style. He loves to take his time with you and quickies just leave him wanting more. Generally quickies are just him eating you out whenever he gets a chance.

R = Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc.)

He is surprisingly not a big risk taker himself, and doesn’t feel the need to experiment much. He likes his routines and knows he’s good at the skills he’s already developed. Though if you asked him, he’d try (almost) anything as long as you both agreed on a safe word and talked through things first.

S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go? How long do they last?)

He’s in pretty good shape, but he is starting to get a little older. He can normally get two rounds in pretty confidently though. Though sometimes they blend together into one marathon session that leaves you both exhausted and totally spent. One thing is for sure, he is never finished until you’ve cum at least twice.

T = Toys (Do they own or use toys on themselves or partners?)

He does not own any toys, that is until you two take the plunge and invest in a strap to use together (See D = Dirty Secret). He does love that you own a vibrator. He insists you bring it with you if you ever leave town for work or any other reason. Then when you two talk on the phone in your hotel room he loves to listen to you use your vibrator.

U = Unfair (How much do they like to tease?)

Will loves to tease. One time, which you will never ever use against him, he came just from spending all afternoon teasing you. He will tease you by sending very detailed messages about what he will do to you when you both get home from work. He loves to edge you over and over again until you’re crying and begging for your release. Also see K = Kink.

V = Volume (How loud are they? What sounds do they make?)

This man is dead silent. Sometimes you can surprise a soft moan from his lips and if your session is a little more wild than usual – which usually happens after a stressful experience or thanks to either really good or really bad news – he can’t help but grunt through his exertion. If he calls you a good girl, it’s so quiet that the first time you said it you weren’t sure he intended for you to hear it.

W = Wildcard (Random headcanon for your character)

He has serious abandonment issues. This leads to some hot and cold behavior towards you that can be frustrating and confusing at first. Once you get to know him better though, you start to be able to read his cues and better understand this behaviour. It can also lead to him being clingy with you. Most of the time it’s actually really sweet and adorable, but every now and then it leads to a fight. The way you guys make up though, it’s almost worth the fight.

X = X-ray (Let’s see what’s going on in those pants)

Will is PACKING. They do not call him Ironhead for nothing. He’ll generally tell people the PG version, that he is stubborn and that’s what led to the nickname. You even believed that version too, until you two finally hooked up and he showed you the real truth. He was thick, like you’re not sure how he’s supposed to fit, thick, and yet he’s got some serious length too and that’s what really lead to the Ironhead moniker.

Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?)

He does his best to compartmentalize all aspects of his life. This helps him maintain his sex drive as a secondary impulse. Before you, he had a simple masturbation schedule and didn’t turn a thought to it beyond that. However, once you showed up and helped him relax a bit more, he opened himself up to be more vulnerable and along with that, really unleashed his sexuality, much to your pleasure.

Z = ZZZ (How quickly do they fall asleep afterwards?)

He never falls asleep before you if he can help it. He wants to make sure you’re comfortable and taken care of before he can even think about falling asleep himself. One time though after a rainy day when you two spent all afternoon fucking in front of the fireplace he did drift to sleep while you ran your fingers through his hair. You let him stay there until his stomach rumbled with hunger so loud he woke himself up.

[jinmindeulle]

hot chocolate | jyh (1)

part 1/3

𝒑𝒂𝒊𝒓𝒊𝒏𝒈 jeong yunho x reader, yang hongseok x reader

𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒅 𝒄𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒕 2.4 k

𝒈𝒆𝒏𝒓𝒆 angst, fluff / enemies to lovers au, tv news au, newsanchor!yunho x newsanchor!reader

𝒘𝒂𝒓𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒔 mentions of sex and cursing

main masterlist | ateez masterlist

＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚ 　˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚＊ ＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚　 ˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚＊ ＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚ ˚

“Taeki is retiring”

Y/n snapped her head towards her co-worker, choking a little with the last bite of her lunch “Are you serious?”

“Yep” Minsoo nodded “They are even throwing him a surprise farewell party or something like that. Hyunsung is sending everyone a message, so you’ll probably receive one”

Just as she finished her sentence, y/n’s phone vibrated in her pocket, signalling she had indeed received one “You’re right” she responded, staring at the invitation like it was a lottery winning ticket “And who is replacing him?”

“No idea, but I guess we’ll know in a few hours” she shrugged, and finished her sandwich “Ready to go back?”

Standing up from her seat, y/n followed Minsoo out of the restaurant, continuing their conversation about how insufferable their boss had been the last month because of that new forecast lady who was still adapting to the Seoul Morning News. But her mind was elsewhere now.

She had always dreamt about being a news anchor. Ever since she was little, she admired those people on the T.V. who knew a lot about what was going on, and was fascinated with how fast they talked and never messed up. She had always enjoyed watching the same beautiful lady sitting on her fancy desk, wearing trendy clothing and styling her hair accordingly. Her make up was always on point and the smile that she wore on her face made little y/n feel as happy as she (supposedly) was.

So hearing that there was a vacant for the job of her dreams was something to be excited for. It was not like she didn’t like her current job, of course not. Developing the stories that Taeki presented every morning was a big deal. She liked to do her research and bring the public different views about diverse topics, stories that could make them reflect on their own lives, or just to make them aware of crucial matters like climate change, her latest report. But that didn’t change the fact that she was made to be in front of the camera. Her bright smile and outgoing personality made it clear from the start, and every co-worker of hers knew that sooner or later, she would end up being the morning news’ anchor.

“As you may have already heard, our news anchor Taeki is about to retire”

Every Friday, Mr. Jung held a meeting in the conference room with every department. Even though the Seoul Morning News had always worked well and rarely gone through rating issues, Mr. Jung believed that with no unity, the programme would rapidly fall from grace. These recurrent reunions were basically to inform everyone about what was going on in their own department and what was about to happen the following week in terms of interviews, reports and mini-documentaries.

“Next week is his last one here, so naturally we are looking for a replacement”

Y/n felt how Minsoo’s elbow pocked her side with enthusiasm, and she looked at the woman with wide eyes to make her stop.

“Sorry” she whispered “It’s just that Jaehyun is looking at you again. I think he fell in love” Minsoo giggled.

Y/n wished he just stopped for once and for all. Yeah, it had been a fantastic experience. Nothing would make her forget how good she had felt under his gorgeous body, under his hot touch and sweet scent. But it had been just that, a one-night-thing only. And she didn’t do one-night-things more than once with the same man, except for Hongseok. She would never get tired of him. But Jaehyun was another matter, and apparently he didn’t understand it, or maybe he didn’t want to understand it.

“…that’s why I have decided to propose the job to some of you whom I believe would be the best replacement. Of course you will have some tasks to develop, as well as some interviews and you’ll be tried”

Y/n quickly forgot about the burning look that Jaehyun was giving her upon hearing her boss’ announcement. Her heart started pounding on her ears, and her hands felt sweaty in a matter of seconds.

“Every director of each department have proposed candidates for the job and two names were always included in those lists. I know you all, and I am aware of who has potential for this job. That’s why I have decided to give the opportunity to both of them”

Her heart sunk. Her chance of being one of those two candidates was too slim. The number of people working for the Seoul Morning News was abominable, and off the top of her head she could name at least twenty people who would fit the job perfectly.

“I don’t want to waste more time. Jeong Yunho, from the Sports Department. Lee Y/n, from the Daily Reports Department. You are our candidates. May the best win” Mr. Jung grinned.

The girl’s eyes watered as soon as she heard her name leave her boss’ lips. Her surroundings felt like being on slow-motion. Some of her friends in other departments cheered for her from afar, clapping with passion and waving at her. Those who were around her congratulated her with smiles, some of them with envious eyes. It was too much for her to process. But that was not the whole issue.

She was competing against Jeong Yunho. The it boy from Sports, the man that every one loved and admired because of his intelligence, his fresh, easy-going personality, his perfect, bright smile and beautiful eyes. Jeong Yunho, her eternal enemy, who was looking at her from his seat with a lopsided grin and mocking eyes.

“So that’s why you were so eager to see me, huh?”

“I needed to celebrate” she giggled, making herself comfortable against Hongseok’s warm, naked chest.

“I always knew you were going to be the next Seoul Morning News’ anchor” he responded with a hoarse mumble, bringing her closer to his body and letting her tangle her legs with his.

“I’m not it yet” she sighed, drawing circles on Hongseok’s pectoral with her index finger.

“But you will be” he kissed her temple.

“I wouldn’t be so sure about it, Hong. You know Jeong Yunho. He’s going to try to destroy me if that gets him the job. He was always like that on college, especially when we were competing”

Hongseok stayed silent for a while, and if he hadn’t kept caressing her exposed lower back she would have thought he had fallen asleep “But you are as good as he is, if not better. I know him, yes, but I also know you. You are the perfect person for that job and your boss knows it. So don’t doubt yourself, okay, Y/n? Just trust the process and you’ll see”

“Can I kiss you for that?” she lifted her head from his chest and smirked at Hongseok, who quickly brought her head closer with his arm and sealed their lips together.

“I will never understand how you go about your life like that knowing that you can have Hongseok as more than just a hook-up but you don’t do anything about it” Minsoo murmured to y/n right after waving Hongseok goodbye.

Y/n shrugged, fixing her already messy bangs “I guess I am not used to commitment. I mean, we see each other more than I see my family really. But you know that I don’t just do sex with him, right?”

“What? Do you go on dates and kiss each other goodnight with your friend-with-benefits?” Minsoo chuckled, stopping by the elevator and waiting for it to come.

“I wouldn’t call them dates, but we do kiss” y/n mumbled, playing with the end of her red dress.

“You kiss Ho-?!” her friend screamed, and y/n had to put her hand over Minsoo’s mouth to shush her before he could hear them from her apartment “Friends with benefits don’t do that, y/n!” now inside the elevator and all alone, she could yell all she wanted.

“We do” y/n giggled, and turned around to fix her lipstick “And it’s not weird, you know. He sleeps with other people and I also do. It’s just that I like the way he makes me feel. It’s like having a boyfriend that doesn’t care about whether you fuck other guys or not”

“Is that an open relationship, then?”

“Maybe. I dunno. But I like how it is now and I wouldn’t change what I have with him for any other man”

Twenty minutes or so later, y/n and Minsoo walked out of the taxi right into the party hall. Most of their co-workers were there already, drinking and conversing with one another. Taeki hadn’t arrived yet, so for their luck, they were on time.

“Wow, look at you, doll”

“And that’s my cue to leave you alone now” Minsoo smirked, waving at Hyunsung, the party host, and running away from the scene as fast as she could.

“Fuck me” y/n mumbled, closing her eyes shut. She plastered a fake smile on her face and turned around, meeting Jaehyun’s stunning face. “Hi there”

“I didn’t know you were coming. I would have given you a ride” he smiled, shoving his hands inside his pockets.

“Yeah, Hyunsung was kind enough to invite me. And it’s alright, my friend brought me and Minsoo” y/n lied, trying to bring Hongseok up as her only way to get away from his offers.

“Oh, you mean the guy that you are seeing?” Jaehyun cocked his head, suddenly interested in y/n’s love life, like he always was.

“Yeah, that guy” she enthusiastically nodded “He’s picking me up later as well” she mentally slapped herself, because she knew that Jaehyun would be around the whole night, and of course he would see how she called a taxi when she decided to leave. Besides, Hongseok was covering a co-worker of his and had to be on the Night Show’s building until 2 a.m. at least.

“Well, if that is not the case you know I can always take you home” he smirked, licking his lips.

“Thank you, Jaehyun, I re-”

“Excuse me! Hi, I’m Jeong Yunho from the Sports Department, how are you doing? Can I take her from you just a little bit? Okay, thank you!”

The tall boy didn’t even bother to hear an answer from Jaehyun and simply took her by her arm, brining her to the other side of the room.

“What the hell was that?!” she asked him, looking at his hand that was still holding her arm hostage.

“Oh, sorry” Yunho released her from his strong grip and crossed his arms over his chest “I just wanted to congratulate you. It’s a big thing what you are doing” he grinned. But y/n knew that grin, and it didn’t entail pure intentions.

“Oh, yeah? Are you, Jeong Yunho, congratulating me, out of all people?” she scrunched up her face, demonstrating how suspicious he was appearing to her.

“Why not?” he scowled.

“C’mon, Yunho. You’ve always disliked me. Since when do you talk to me? I don’t recall a single civil conversation with you, even in college” she imitated his pose, folding her arms “And back then, we just talked when professors paired us up to work on assignments”

“Because you would always be around Yang Hongseok, and I never liked that guy” disgust was evident on this face, a rare sight to see. None of the people around them had seen Yunho like y/n had in all those years of sharing not only every single class, but also the same workplace for almost two years. He was not the angel he pretended to be.

“Then you wouldn’t want to know that I still hang out with him”

Yunho stayed silent, just looking at her with an unreadable expression. Y/n quickly realized that the boy was trying to mess up with her right from the beginning, playing all friendly and stuff so that he could get the position in the blink of an eye.

“I know what you are tying to do here, Jeong. You have always wanted that spot but you are not the only one. So I’m sorry to crush your dreams, but I’m fighting for it too. Just don’t play dirty. You deserve to be the next news’ anchor? Then show it”

“I’ll play fair. Just remember that I always won back then” he smirked, his eyes shining with greediness.

“Get over college, Yunho” she grinned, tiptoeing so she could whisper in his ear “And never underestimate me”

＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚ 　˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚＊ ＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚　 ˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚＊ ＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚ ˚

[szynkaaa]

I more or less watched The Boy!!! And by watching, I mean I skipped more or less through the jump scare parts because I cannot do horror movies at all. I haven’t watched one since 2015 and The Boy was like the first horror movie after five years

Full disclosure, the ONLY reason I started watching the movie was because someone posted a gif of Greta standing close to Brahms who was all sweaty and breathing heavily n I was like “oh shit who dat he hot” and here I am 

Can anyone explain the sandwich scene to me? So Greta was scared shitless and locked herself in her room, but why did Brahms make her favorite sandwich for her?

I did some digging for interviews and generally what people have been saying about the movie, took some screenshots from youtube to put my thoughts and musing together too! 

Can anyone explain the sandwich scene to me? So Greta was scared shitless and locked herself in her room, but why did Brahms make her favorite sandwich for her? 

So first of all, let’s start with a low resolution photo I found on IG of James Russell without mask:

which brings me to my first musing/thought/question? 

It’s all under the cut, very screenshot and text heavy, you can find more Brahms drawing at the bottom though  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

So at the end of the movie, we are shown a Brahms with a broken mask and his face being burned, indicating that he was in fact in the fire.

I assumed first that the fire was created by the parents to fake their sons death and then he had to live hidden inside the walls? 

But I’ve also heard apparently it was Brahms who set the fire to fake his own death or maybe an eight years old kid really was trying to burn himself down?? 

My other theory is that his parents made the fire and tried to kill Brahms and it did burn him but he survived, and the parents didn’t wanna go to jail sooo to hide everything they made their son live in the walls

i mean the responsible thing would be to turn their kid in and have him treated and stuff;;; listened to a murder podcast about two cases where kids murdered enough kids and how they are doing now interesting read Brahms made me think of those two cases 

I also do not think that the previous nannies were killed. Like, c’mon. You’d report a person missing and sooner or later it would go back to the Heelshire mansion and if the body counts piles up? Can’t look good and I doubt that the Heelshire wants the police investigating them close up. 

Also, when the mom was like “He’s chosen you if you’ll have him” to Greta? Is it just me or the wording or does it sound like a marriage proposal/arrangement xD 

Brahms is a brat and he sees the people around him as his possession or to toy around. But I also do think that he has some abandonment issues but not in the sad tragic kind of way lmao. Even if he was the one controlling and manipulating his parents from behind-the-scene (quite literally I suppose?), he was still told as a kid to live in hiding and that no one can know he is alive. I don’t know much about the human brain, but I can imagine how damaging that must be to his mental growth and set him back in some way? We don’t know too much about his relationship with his parents - but I assume that he must have still loved them in his own twisted way. Can’t imagine that he would have been indifferent about his parents suicide. 

The scene before Greta manages to back out - first he uses the child voice to beg her to come back and promises he will be good. That’s his manipulating Greta, but when that doesn’t work and she tries harder to open the door, he becomes more desperate to keep her there and then completely loses his temper and threatens to kill Malcolm if she doesn’t return. I’m pretty sure homeboy would have killed him anyway. And then later when she returns and he is all heavy breathing and smelling her hair and then jumps up when she shouts Brahms? Idk I def think there is some sort of abandonment issue going on. 

I don’t think he is a child stuck in a man’s body or manchild or whatever. I think that he does know how to take care of himself - but he just chooses to manipulate people with the facade of a kid to do his bidding and cater to his needs. 

Anywhomst, but clearly Brahms is also a very manipulative and controlling person based, based on how the mother was reacting on the destroyed bedroom, she really seemed to be at the end of her wits and just breaking down with her “you promised you’d be good”. It was very heartbreaking to watch and also scary because it really makes you realize just how much power Brahms holds over them?? idk maybe it was just me.

Next point: the CGI mask  + the burns 

So according to some interviews with the director stated that at the first test streaming, people weren’t really scared of Brahms because he was too handsome so they had to slap a mask over his face. The face was done after everything was filmed. I’m thinking the face burns were also added post-production when they were adding the cgi mask. Otherwise, James would have needed to go through the makeup department for some wicked face burns and it would have been visible during the filming and test screening too? Which would imply that at first the fire was supposed to be just  a cover story that their son is dead and it was changed later

Observation/thoughts on Brahms Heelshire

Love how he stands there with his hands behind his back and then nods when Greta tells him to go under the cover

James Russell is 191cm tall. So like. Brahms is really fucking tall. But I notice that most of the time he stands with a slight hunch. Could be due to him crawling through the walls and crawling out of places that requires him to do a lot of crouching. His bed in his hideout made me really sad, I’ll get to it later. 

Since James didn’t get many lines in the ten minutes that he appeared, I do think that his eyes did all the acting. They stand out even more with the mask on, there is just this crazy look on it. I also noticed during my rewatch that he doesn’t seem to blink much or at all. 

Oh yeah, he also peeped on Greta and Malcolm making out on the bed and then cockblocked them. We been knowing that he made a Greta doll and very likely jerked off to it. We also been knowing that he very very very likely wanted to bone Greta at the goodnight kiss scene still waiting for the maskeless kiss scene gimme gimme. I also highly doubt that Brahms has much first-hand experience with kissing n stuff. High key thinking he was trying to do copy Malcolm and do what he observed lmao

When I first watched the scene, I assumed that the hole behind the mirror has always been and it’s just another one of the hidden passages Brahms to slip in and out, but now that I’m looking at the shape of the holes, it seems to me more like the mirror and brick wall were broken at the same time?? If that is the case holy shit boy is s t  r o n g. I mean, he also punched through the closet door like no big deal so really what have the parents been feeding him. 

I’m also leaning toward the fact that he ran there because Greta screamed loudly. I don’t think he was in the room as them when everything went down there, it seemed more like he heard the scream and had to nyoomed over and then punched a way through to get out of the wall. And then went on to attack Cole. He must have known that Greta wanted Cole gone, since that what she whispered to the doll before going to bed. 

Tbh, I fully expected him to murder Cole in his sleep, but Brahms wrote a warning message in blood to tell him to get out soooooo like. Cole you were warned and now you gotta live with the consequences ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Brahm’s sleeping corner

This scene was shown at the end after Greta and Malcolm escaped. We also see them briefly during the part where Greta and Malcolm are trying to find a way out and stumbled into Brahms’ hideout. I’m not sure why the rules are slapped on the walls. It seems to me that Brahms is very very very set on that the rules / routine should be followed. In the movie, he called Greta and suggested to her that she should follow the rules, to which she then started doing it.

I headcanon that that’s the routine that he grew up with as a kid and it’s just very very very very very hard to break out of it - not that he is trying to break the routine. 

I’m failing to find a good way to put my thoughts into words, but I guess the rules and routine is sort of his coping mechanism? 

I suppose if you had an OC that you ship Brahms with and want to change stuff around the house, the OC would have to very slowly introduce new rules and routines. Baby steps, yknow.

Brahms has a violin hanging there! Honestly I would be surprised if Brahms didn’t know how to play at least one instrument. The family also has an old ass piano/clavichord (?) and Brahms loves classical music soo yeah. Love me a boy who appreciates classical musical hehe

I suppose the egg boxes are there to soundproof the room more - maybe so he can play the violin? 

There’s also music sheets hung around his attics, it’s not clear on the screenshots but when you rewatch the scene and shove your face close to the screen. Some are hanging next to the violin and there are some taped on the wall next to his bed and porn too

nice to see he has a fridge and microwave, I was concerned that he wasn’t well fed and that leftovers might not be enough, but then again. Dude is 191 cm so clearly he has been drinking his milk

Didn’t take a screenshot of his vanity, but there is a crocodile magnet stuck to the mirror hehe. I do think that he shaves and stuff, otherwise his beard would be much longer??

We can see more music sheets stuck to a pillar on the right. 

Loving the christmas lights that he has hanging there above his bed. It’s cute. 

On the shelf he has a bunch of tupperware and empty bowls. Most of hte things are neatly organized. We can also see some books and a pen

There’s some sunlight streaming inside - I do hope that Brahmsy stays warm during winters.

Here we can see more of the food that he has there - there is also a sink but I didn’t snatch a screenshot of it. I think those are potatoes in the pot? Maybe he does know how to cook some basic stuff, I do wonder if he has a functioning kitchen up there. Probably not for fire safety reasons lol

Yall see that thing on the note sheet covered pillar? Ngl, that’s a whole ass aesthetic right there.

He got a few potted plants up there. Took a closer look at them and it seems like they were healthy. So he knows how to take care of plants, which is nice to know I suppose?

Yes, we all know what he was doing with the doll and what the tissue balled up tissue implies. However, has anyone noticed the size of the bed??? 

If you scroll up a bit to the screenshot of Greta seeing the doll, it looks t i n y. The make shift doll takes up more than half of the space. 

Yall. this breaks my heart. Dude is a beanstalk. I’m pretty sure the bed is from when he was a kid shoved by his parents to live inside the wall, does he have to sleep there in his adulthood too??? 

Even though Brahms strikes me as someone who probably doesn’t sleep much or during normal times, that bed must be so tiny for him. He must be sleeping with his knees bend and shit unable to stretch out :((( 

Brahms: is a psychopath that smashed the skull of a girl and very abusive tormented his parents and then Greta Me: omg he needs a bigger bed that poor thing :(((

Brahms’ DIY corner 

Ah yes, Brahm’s little DIY/creative corner. 

Homeboy got lot of animal traps, cages and taxidermies hanging around, pointing strongly toward that it’s a hobby of it? 

Also at the end where we see him fixing up the doll, we can get a better shot at his desk, and I gotta say the threads and stuff are all very nicely organized. Brahms’s table looks more organized than mine does lmao. 

So we know he is a crafty boy. Not sure how difficult taxidermy is but I imagine it does take a lot of time to learn? Well he had all the time in the world anyway.

So yeah, that’s a wrap. Congrats if you made it to the bottom of my incoherent thoughts and ramblings, have a bonus drawing of Brahms wearing different masks: 

[tigerdrop]

Cringe is dead, talk to me about the funny half-life men and their relationship

okay here is my essay. it is titled These Guys Actually Like Each Other, and Gordon Freeman Is Just Kind Of A Dick*

(disclaimer: these are just my 2 cents. dont take me too seriously! im just some guy online who has watched this shit too many times.)

first things first. these guys actually like each other. this is a key aspect of their relationship. benrey, obviously and textually, digs gordon freeman - you dont flirt that heavily with guys you arent into, and so much of what he says and does is geared around making gordon crack up. thats pretty gay.

but the counterpart to this is that gordon freemans pretty fucking gay for benrey, too. you may say, “oh, but word of god says its not requited!” and to you i will say: bull shit. gordon is uniquely obsessed with benrey compared to all the other characters. if gordon didnt like the fucking guy, he wouldnt giggle with him and share in-jokes with him and bring him up every 5 seconds when benreys not around. thats concern, bro. thats worry. thats real shit

but i cant blame people for thinking that gordon freeman genuinely doesnt like benrey. benreys partially responsible for some of the worst things that have happened to him, the Arm Thing among them. and gordons very insistent afterward that he doesnt like benrey. he even goes so far as to try to kill benrey a couple times. to this, i must argue that gordon freeman is just kind of a dick.

lets talk facts here. canon. Lore. from the moment we hop into gordons shoes, we can see that he is a jerk to every npc on his way into black mesa. this is his default: a dude who just runs his mouth and says rude shit. he calls tommy a freak within 5 minutes of meeting him. he infantilizes the guy and barely considers him a real scientist. he doubts that bubby is a real name for like no fuckin reason. in “real life”, this is because its funny, and wayne is trying to make a funny half-life stream. in a textual sense, this is because gordon “hlvrai” freeman is a dick. this is the way he acts, consistently, throughout the series.

(brief aside: this is why the whole “gordon is a nice guy and a great dad” characterization baffles me. the way he actually acts in canon is, in short, bitchy and lacking in self-awareness. and i love that for him, i really do. it makes the moments where he just tries to be a nice guy stand out. but thats the thing: his intermittent moments of decency and kindness are not the whole of his personality! this dude kind of sucks most of the time!)

the way that gordons general asshole attitude extends to benrey is complicated. in fairness, benrey makes it his job to annoy the shit out of gordon as much as possible, and that warrants a negative attitude, but gordons pretty paranoid and ends up blaming benrey for nearly everything that happens to him, regardless of if its warranted. this is a pattern he exhibits both before and after the Arm Thing. its a little bit of a dick move! especially considering that, prior to the whole “betrayal” subplot (which was not exactly planned very far in advance), benrey is no more malicious or annoying than anybody else gordons having to travel with.

(okay, this is kind of a subjective evaluation, but still. my point stands that benrey is not any more of a hindrance to his progress than anybody else in the science crew, and neither is he particularly more violent or murderous. hell, gordon freeman has probably killed more guys than benrey. benrey just tends to get.......special treatment.)

all that said, i am still convinced that gordon really fucking likes benrey. please consider with me the following: it would be remarkably easy for gordon to just ignore him and do what he has to do, but he doesnt. he could stop engaging. he could stop thinking about benrey. he could stop bringing benrey up to the rest of the crew every time benrey leaves to do his own thing for awhile. but he doesnt. and, again, yeah, the extra-textual reason for this is “two guys are doing an improv comedy thing and bouncing off of scorpy is kind of the point”, but within the text it reads to me as gordon not being about to get the dude off his mind.

and this is in addition to all the times we see gordon being genuinely nice and receptive toward benrey! its in the little things: laughing the hardest and longest at benreys jokes. only ever reciprocating that stupid underwater “BBBBB” thing with benrey. trying to catch benrey when he falls, despite his insistence moments earlier that benrey should hop in the wack ass crystal generator and get hypermurdered. fondly remarking that benreys sweet voice sounds beautiful. his sort of flustered responses to most of benreys overt flirting. none of this is the way normal people react to a guy they hate. this is all fuckin gay to me, man.

its this combination of the outward insistence that gordon hates benrey with his inner eagerness to be around him and think about him and engage with him that gives off strong “repression” vibes, to me. for whatever reason - pride, embarrassment, resentment - gordon maintains a front of hating the guy and wanting to kill him for a lot of the series, but it doesnt gel with the way he fucking giggles and plays along half the time that benrey starts fucking with him. its a game, and that game is one of the only ways gordon knows to manifest affection for him.

(remember “oh my god, hes got a knife!”? that was the gayest shit i ever seen in my life. tittering like a schoolgirl while benrey chases him around like “im gonna get you haha”. insanity.)

the cool thing about repression is that you can have it manifest in a lot of ways! and this is where things like “headcanons” and “my own personal affection for repressed bisexual men” come in. a lot of how i characterize their relationship is an extrapolation of a lot of things like gordons canonical insecurity issues/anxiety, gordons whole anti-bootboy thing screaming “internet wokeboy who means well but probably has a lot of repressed baggage” to me, etc.

how do you get massive amounts of sexual repression out of what you see in canon, you might ask? well. if wayne would stop having gordon talking about being jerked off by the suit, or talking about chugging a 40-gal drum of potion and having to hold his piss, or worrying about being eaten by benrey the moment he sees benrey at setscale 10, maybe i would have a higher opinion of gordon “hlvrai” freeman and whatever latent psychosexual issues hes got going on. but here we are

i havent even touched yet upon how benrey feels about gordon. this one is helpfully made a little more plain by the fact that benrey very much wants to suck his dick in canon. (i dont even have to go into details. we all know.) but IMO the best part about this ship isnt just that they dig each other, but how. benrey gets overtly flirtatious in the second half of the series, but IMO his preferred method of flirting is just fucking with gordon: chasing him with knives, shoving him around in a bathroom, trying to get scans of his feet. but all in like a slapstick, giggly, fun-and-games sense, you know? at least when it works.

a lot of the time, though, it doesnt work out that way. he clearly just likes doing it whether or not gordon responds positively. which is, you know, Weird. not very nice. but also in line with the way everybody else treats gordon freeman. gordons kind of the universes chew toy in any given universe, and the same holds true here. hes kind of helpless......subjected to 4 demons attempting to make his life as difficult as possible. in a way its cathartic.

sorry. i got sidetracked. anyway, benrey very much likes to mess with him and unnerve him and demean him and i will be perfectly frank with you: that is hot. i have problems and illnesses and one of them is that i am a masochist who goes crazy for that kind of thing. calling gordon a “dirty lil boy” and telling him to “look at the mess [he] made” is some straight up kink scene shit.

i like to imagine that a lot of this behavior isnt caused just by the guy who played him wanting to be funny and antagonistic, but by benrey as a character not really understanding what constitutes “pushing a joke too far”. hes not human, and whatever he is doesnt have a very normative way of understanding the world around him, full of people who actually get hurt for real and die for real. benrey expresses what seems to be genuine surprise and distress after the Arm Thing, as if he didnt know that his actions would have serious consequences. and it doesnt seem to fully sink in afterward, either.

it reads a lot to me like hes used to video game rules and treating people around him like NPCs. if they get hurt, its no big deal, because its not real. he likes jamming random buttons on gordons interface and seeing what comes out. its probably a lot of fun for him, the same way that seeing a streamer or a youtuber suffer for our amusement is fun. its like, you know, in my opinion, gordons very cute when hes frazzled. hes also cute when hes laughing. pushing gordons buttons has a 50/50 chance of either of these things. and this is how he ultimately flirts with gordon: by pulling his pigtails.

but at the same time, benrey does legit care about gordon and knows some boundaries. benreys the one most often shooting at enemies to protect gordon, and he spent most of the last act trying to convince gordon to turn around and not fight him because they were friends (best friends, to be specific). he just lacks a lot of the emotional intelligence it would take to express the feeling of “he digs gordon and likes seeing his face get all red and sweaty regardless of the cause”. and gordon lacks the emotional intelligence it would take to express the fact that he doesnt know if he likes or hates benrey and hes scared as hell that its the former

because, lets be real. unironic benrey-liking is a sign of problems disorder. just look at all these words ive written about it.

can you imagine? this bizarrely powerful, non-human entity that can shrug off gunfire and grow to the size of a building has decided that youre his new plaything. benreys the bored guy booting up skyrim and fucking around in the console, and gordons the hapless favorite follower that hes taken a liking to. its a really fun dynamic IMO

after all this, its safe to say my title is a little misleading. the asterisk stands for * and So Is Benrey, Actually. they are both kind of awful dudes who thrive off of teasing each other and they deserve each other. and i am crazy about it. thank u for coming to my TED talk