#I need to rest...
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I need to stop being responsible for myself and having agency in my own life, this shit is killing me.
#Please please please please please please please please please someone just take charge of me#and tell me what to do in every aspect of my life so I don't have to think about it and I can stop worrying#please#please please please#I'm going insane#I'm so tired#I'm so scared#I'm so weak#I don't know what to do#I can't do it on my own#I need someone who knows better than me to just do it instead#I need to rest...#I can't be human any more.#It's too much.
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they should invent a me who is not exhausted by simply being alive
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I actually need to vent instead of treating this like some kind of regular blog. I feel trapped and unheard even though I have this thing to let it all out. Even though no one reads my posts or actually know who I am, I still feel like I might be exposing myself.
My family's been treating social media like a place where everyone hates me, even when I don't really have a relationship with anyone here or anyone interacts with my posts. I feel like everyone actually IS close to blocking me or tell me to kill myself (it's not like that would affect me much, but yeah.)
I feel even worse at the thought of one of my mutuals recognizing me and feeling like I'm a weirdo, before just blocking my main account. I haven't even revealed much about myself, neither here nor in my main account! I don't even know what I'm worried about. No one actually cares about me. No one would unless I posted worrying things, and, EVEN IF I DID, I'm sure it wouldn't be important for anyone but one person.
I have no personality, I'm not charismatic at all, I don't have a good sense of humor (neither irl nor online), I suck at comforting people, etc. There's no reason for anyone to stick around my account at all, I'm not special in anything. There's some people I follow who understands a lot, and that are really kind people. I love them for that.
But me? Pfft. There's nothing in me that people couldn't find in someone else. They already have people supporting them, they have friends who are better in every sense.
But why am I worrying? No one will give a crap. If they get to know me, they would get away, would block every of my accounts and would try to get away from me.
I not only have no personality, but I also have serious mood swings, SERIOUSLY. I could be ignoring them only because my feelings towards them changed all of a sudden, but then I would feel extremely attached to them again.
I hate myself for that. I can't control it and I hate it.
My mom told me not to have children or friends at all, that “why would I want to make someone suffer that way?" Yeah THANKS FOR MAKING ME FEEL WORSE. THAT'S WHY YOU WERE TOLD TO ABORT ME. THAT WOULD'VE BEEN BETTER THAN BEING COMPLETELY UNSTABLE BECAUSE OF YOU.
NO ONE IN MY FAMILY TREATED ME LIKE A HUMAN CHILD WITH EMOTIONS WHEN I WAS YOUNGER, AND YET THEY'RE THE ONES TELLING ME TO NOT HAVE ANY HUMAN CONTACT BECAUSE I'D TREAT THEM LIKE SHIT?
Holy shit I just hate this. I really want to express my love to someone, a partner or a friend whatever, but I CAN'T. I'm extremely unstable and they wouldn't like it.
My little brother exists tho...
I can't give up. Not NOW (It's not like I was giving up anytime soon, but I also just want to let myself rot in bed and stuff.), I can't do that to him.
I cannot kill myself. I don't want my family to tell him something like "you used to have another sibling but they killed themselves when you were a baby."
I DON'T WANT THAT. But I also can't let myself be the way I am now when he's older. I don't want him to see me like that. At all. I want him to have a better life, I want to encourage him during his infancy, to let him know that there's someone who will understand him in the future.
I know my family will only feed his brain with harmful things. I don't want that for him.
I'm staying here because I don't like the idea of giving up. I want to live, but not like this.
It will get better, but only when I finally get to get away from the thing that's harming me.
#vent post#personal vent#mentally unstable#Alright no one will read this but i needed to actually let myself vent#I need to rest...#THIS IS REALLY LONG NOW THAT I NOTICE HOW THE HELL
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[Ready for a new game?]
day 11 definitelynottober - heart in your fist & week 1 weeklyhermittober - beginnings
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IM SO READY LETSGO SO EXCITED FOR THE NEW LIFE SERIES💥💥💥💥💥💥
#definitelynottober#definitelynottober2024#weeklyhermittober#trafficblr#traffic smp#life series#grian#bdoubleo100#bigbst4tz2#ethoslab#geminitay#goodtimeswithscar#impulsesv#martyn inthelittlewood#ldshadowlady#mumbo jumbo#pearlescentmoon#ok not tagging the rest bc theyre so in the back JKASLDJAJAWHAH#but also#zombiecleo#my art#i suffered so much with this piece but i really liked the idea KLASJDKAUEUEHE#maybe ill polish it more later URGH THIS TOOK SO LONGGGGGG#me: ok i need to catch up im two days late#also me: life series all members GO#HOPE U GUYS LIKE IT LOL#i didnt mess up the day count and only just realized now KLSADKLUEHUEJ. AS U CAN TELL THIS PIECE FRIED MY BRAINNNNNNN#edit again i did not completely forget this is also for weeklyhermittober.... trust.......................... KASDUEUEUHGl
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#I need the rest of the episodes#IMMEDIATELY#arcane#arcane season 2#league of legends#vi x reader#caitvi#vi x caitlyn#caitlyn kiramman x reader#sevika x reader#ambessa x reader#jinx arcane#ekko arcane#timebomb#jinx x ekko#I USED TO BE SUCH A HARD LIGHTCANNON SHIPPER TOO#jayvik#jayce x viktor#meme
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ARCANE LEAGUE OF LEGENDS S1EP1 ↔ S2EP9 (2021-2024) ↳ "I think the cycle only ends when you find the will to walk away."
#she walked away..... so that vi could move on.... gah my heart#one quick gifset this morning.... i'll see if i can make more tonight i need to rest#arcane#arcaneedit#arcane parallels#arcane league of legends#arcane season 2 spoilers#arcane season 2#arcane s2#jinx#jinx arcane#arcane jinx#powder#powder arcane#arcane powder#arcane season 2 ending#type: gif#media: arcane#s2 ep9#s1 ep1
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500 ena cigarettes
#ena#dream bbq#my art#ouuguuhhh#need more ena power...#i think ill use the rest of my break to learn new thangs#and by new thangs i mean. ill try to make some backgrounds#putting ena in environments... what a concept..
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Was looking at refs and since Viktor has two different leg braces I was wondering, do we think he wears them simultaneously?? The refs don't perfectly line up perspective-wise so it's hard to tell but parts of the one he wears during the Hexcore scenes look like they could maybe line up with the brace that he wears over his clothes, but also some parts really don't and look like they'd be super uncomfy. Also HOW does he take these on and off. Experts weigh in
#viktor#arcane#ig my assumption would be that he wears both simultaneously cause in the scene where he injects the shimmer#it seems implied that he just threw off his clothes and kept experimenting#so one might assume he was already wearing the smaller one underneath#tho it is a funny image to think of him just being like 'one sec i gotta go all the way home and grab my other brace to do this'#he can take off the back brace too cause hes not wearing it in the scene where he's in the hospital bed and you can see his shoulder#where the strap would be#but that one seems to make even less sense functionality wise#everything looks like its screwed together#or screwed INTO him#but only the top bolts on his spine are i think#in the close ups of his back brace model it looks like theres cushioning underneath the parts of it that cover the rest of his spine#so he can take it off. but HOW#what parts of it unscrew/detatch to pull open and off#does it not do that at all and he just has to shimmy it off his shoulder and all the way down his legs to get it off like a romper#the shape language of the designs are cool but like. tell me how it wooorrkkksss#forgive me if im just dumb and dont know at all how braces work and theres a very simple practical explanation for all this#any king who wants to infodump about mobility aids at me....the floor is yours#something to be said i suppose about the fact that zaunites have crazy prosthetics with wild augmentations that work flawlessly#and piltover's like. idk heres some fucking uncomfortable ass metal. salo gets wheelchair in non ada compliant place#they havent ever needed to adapt to accommodate disabilities etc etc#or maybe artists were just like 'heres a design' and everybody clapped and didnt give it a second thought#and then they just turned off the visibility on the mesh when they didnt need it knowing thered not be a scene where its taken off#dont even wanna THINK about what that rig would look like#like 40 different controllers#soft body and rigid hard surfaces needing to move together....#a cold chill just shot up my spine#<- guy who is only an animator and doesnt know how to rig#forgive the magic wand tool with zero cleanup. i am lazy
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you have GOT to remember when watching the new doctor who that the question is not is this good. doctor who is only ever actually 'good' once a season at most. THE ONLY QUESTION IS is it fun, camp, and has aliens. also remember the worst doctor who showrunner is always the current doctor who showrunner. now go watch the new episodes as god intended like you're ten years old and still remember how to experience joy and whimsy.
#i am saying this to myself because i havent been able to watch them yet#and i need to remember the core values of dr who before i watch it#i REFUSE to be one of those people that cant enjoy it because its changed#or because its too rubbish#as if thats stopped me loving 90% of the rest of dw#doctor who#fifteenth doctor#ncuti gatwa#space babies#dr who#dw#🌌#squids bullshit
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Guilt.
(God these two- how dare they occupy my mind 24/7)
#mmelart#cookie run kingdom#pure vanilla crk#pure vanilla cookie#truthless recluse#shadow milk crk#shadow milk cookie#shadowvanilla#pureshadow#vanilla milkshake#They're so nice to draw aughh I just adore them#Also we all love some Smilk angst but I think PV deserves to cry to after everything that's happened#Like omg he needs a break please let him rest for five seconds without making him suffer#(okay I'm lying keep the angst going I love it)
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coming home
#ohhhh to have a pretty pregnant wife waiting for u at home everyday in a pretty renaissance dress#the only time Vivienne was a sit at home do nothing wife cause she had a FKN horrendous pregnancy#straight up nearly killed her#actually definitely would’ve killed her but lucanis bought up every healer in Thedas worth their salt to keep her ALIVE#and her ass got stuck on bed rest for months!!!#she sure as fuck nearly went nuts!!!#mmmm I needed my rook to be vulnerable for ONCE because she’s always been so cool and collected#and who better than to render her life in mortal danger than her son#also YES I remain on my shaded spectacles first talon bullshit!!!#someone recommended pince nez glasses and my god their brain is huge they were so right#dragon age veilguard#my art#lucanis dellamorte#dragon age#datv#rookanis#lucanis x rook#rook#lucanis dragon age#rook dragon age#rook mercar#Vivienne rook mercar#dragon age fanart#me: draw something with normal fucking light#also me: over my dead body 🔫
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the new baby you take care of is the cutest baby you've ever met. (a lil dubcon, baby trapping, 18+)
he has a big head with a tuff of little blond waves, and he has the brightest brown eyes in the entire world. he smiles at every face you make at him, and he takes a bottle like a champ and will nap for hours as long as you're quiet.
his father has a strict schedule set for him. when you met that big man for the very first time, you were speechless. your teeth had clacked together with how fast you tried to close your gawking mouth, but it was impossible not to with how much he towered over you, nearly touching the top of the doorway.
he is methodical, down to every minute. tacked onto the fridge, he had shown you his son's current schedule, which he emphasized with a dead glare must be followed to a T.
two feedings in the morning followed by a nap. another feeding. a longer nap. another feeding. another nap. all separated in increments of 45 minutes, with instructions on how to use the bottle warmer and how to measure the formula.
his son does not cry. his father had told you, if he cries, y'r doin' somethin' wrong. and he was right. the baby only cried when he was hungry, and he would fall into a dead sleep as soon as you gave him a bottle.
it's odd, to take care of someone else's baby. especially this man's. there's no woman in the house, as far as you can tell. the whole house is decorated very minimally, cozy and in shades of warm greens and cool blues and browns. there are no heeled boots by the door or pretty fur coats, and whenever you pass by his bedroom, only one side of his bed ever looks lived-in. there are no pictures on the walls, no makeup in the bathroom drawers, and no pads or tampons under the sink.
just a big, unfeeling man and his big, adorable baby.
but you think that your actions to get this big, unfeeling man to like you are starting to have the wrong kind of implications.
it starts with dinner. you start to make it, using the ingredients from his fridge to make stews and buttery mashed potatoes and roasted veggies. the image of you stirring a pot with his baby on your hip has not left him, and whenever you don't have some kind of meal cooking when he gets home, you answer to someone curt, annoyed, and cold, even to the touch.
then it's the decorating. you thought his couch was a little bare, so now there's a few throw blankets laying across the back of it. there's a vase of pretty tulips on the coffee table. you're growing herbs on the windowsill, little pots of thyme and rosemary and basil. you leave house shoes by the door now, and even when you're not there, he sees those fuzzy pink slippers in the foyer, and he can't help the way he chubs up just seeing them when you're not around.
you start to bring some extra changes of clothes. after the baby spit up on you more than once in a day, you bring a duffel bag with you once a week with extra changes of clothes. he snarls when he sees your clothes in one of his drawers; pretty black panties and matching bras, all laid out under your lounge wear right next to his fucking socks.
the toothbrush next to his in the bathroom. the multi-colored chapsticks in the drawers. tampons and pads organized in the cabinet, your moisturizer next to his shaving cream. he smacks his fist against the wall when he sees the finished package of your birth control in the trash because wot the fuck are y'doing taking those things when y'know i want another--
he can see you in the baby monitor. swaying in the dark of his son's room, the baby's head on your chest as you rock him softly. you're singing a little, a gentle hum to soothe him enough that his eyes start closing. he groans a little when he sees your eyes shut as you kiss his son on the forehead, cooing at him as you pat his little back and tell him to have sweet dreams.
you're making brownies when he comes home that night. his son is seated in his high chair, clapping his hands, and you're smiling at him and cooing in that baby voice you do as you take the warm brownies out of the oven. when you see him emerge from the darkness of his living room, you smile at him, taking off the oven mitts.
"hi, simon," you say softly, and his pupils dilate when you slip a hand over his son's head to soothe him. "i made some dessert, hope that's okay. thought you might wanna try my new recipe."
simon comes into the kitchen as you take his baby out of his high chair. you hoist him up against your hip, and when simon comes closer, you giggle as tilts his head to the side and stares down at you both. you tilt your head back a little, blinking up at him, and the flutter of your lashes is enough to have him rock hard in his cargos as his hands curl into frustrated fists at his sides.
"i'm gonna put him down for bed, it's a little late," you tell him. you hoist his son up a little higher on your hip, picking up his little chubby arm and waving up at simon. "say goodnight, daddy."
simon grins under his mask at the soft lilt of your voice. you try not to squeak when one of his big hands slides around your waist to hold you at your back, and he bends down to kiss his son's forehead through his mask.
"goodnight, my boy."
you try not to linger on the idea that he may have grabbed your ass as you walked away. no, his arms are just so long, they grazed you while you passed by him.
the baby always goes down nice and easy. one bottle later, with a full stomach, he's rubbing his little eyes and fussing in your arms as he tries to fall asleep. he's a mover, simon's little one--always grasping around with his arms and flopping onto his side in the bed. oftentimes, after a nap, he's facing the opposite direction and on the other end of the crib when you come to get him.
so you shouldn't be surprised when as he's falling asleep, his little grubby hands reach for you and pull.
your eyes widen when you hear the pop of buttons. you look down, gasping, when you see his son has grabbed onto the front of your blouse and pulled the first few buttons out. they clatter onto the floor in a mess, and you're not able to see where they go with it so dark in his room.
"oh, god!"
you try to be gentle as you set the baby down in his crib. he immediately sticks his thumb in his mouth with his head lolling to the side, and you try to pick up anything you step on as you hurry out of the room, trying to hold your shirt together.
it's useless. you're standing there in the hallway, hastily shutting the baby's room closed, tits out at eight in the evening.
"tha' why he so good ta ya, mama?"
your eyes bug out of your head when you see simon there. he's standing at the end of the hallway, arms crossed over his chest, and his eyes are focused on your poor open blouse. the bra you're wearing leaves nothing to the imagination--just mesh with underwire, and when simon comes closer, there's virtually nothing separating you when he reaches up with that gloved hand and cups one breast, thumb smoothing over your nipple before he tugs on it gently.
"wha--simon--"
"thinks y'r his mum, pretty tits out like tha'," simon hisses. "'f ya wanted it so bad, why didn't ya just say?"
"simon--"
he tsks, using both hands this time to grip your blouse by the edges and tug it down your arms. it falls around your elbows, and he takes the straps of your bra with it, until it's pooled around your waist and your tits fall free.
"fuckin' hell," he breathes, and your lips part gently as he hikes up his mask and spits on your nipples before sucking them into his mouth. "mmmph..."
you arch your back as he rips the rest of the buttons off with one smooth tug. your blouse falls, and your bra follows it, until you're in nothing but your skirt, backing up into the darkness of his bedroom as he kicks the door shut. you scramble to get him back on top of you when your knees hit the edge of the bed, and you're laying down--grabbing around his shoulders as you try to guide his mouth back to your breasts where he can suckle on them with that filthy mouth of his.
"knew it--" he rasps. "fuck, i knew it--"
your eyes squeeze shut when he ruts his hips against yours. your panties are ruined, slick wet and digging uncomfortably into your folds, but the scratch of simon's jeans have your back bowing at a hard angle, your fingers sliding between your bodies as you reach for his zipper. you gasp when you feel him under your hand, straining against denim, the girth of him tying your stomach in hard knots as you think about what it'll take to get you open enough for him to slip in.
"keepin' me fat," simon murmurs. "holdin' my baby like tha', wot did ya think was goin' ta happen, eh?"
"h-huh?"
"'m gonna make you fat, too, swee'eart," he says, smoothing his hand over your tummy. "saw those little pills in y'r bag. it won't take today, but we'll try again tomorrow, yeah?"
you're drooling as he fucks you. your hips are hiked up, your skirt flipped up as his thighs smack against your ass. you're not privy to the way the fat of you shakes every time he's buried to the hilt, but simon appreciates it, tongue out as he watches you push back against him to try and get yourself filled quicker. he traces your spine with his fingers, leaning over you as he watches your fingers dig into his dark sheets and grip for dear life as he gives it to you fast and deep. it's a mess of wet between you, and you know the bed underneath you will be soaked by the time he's done with you, but you can't think about that when the very thing you've been wanting since the day you met him is so close, so within reach.
you haven't taken a single one of those pills since the first week you met that fat, beautiful baby. maybe simon didn't take too close a look at the dated little pills in your bag and in the bin, the little calendar you used to mark rotting away in a forgotten pocket, gathering dust.
when simon comes, your mouth is filled with saliva, and you gurgle between barely-lucid giggles as your hips sink into the mattress. he's saying something, but you don't hear it. instead you reach down with your fingers and stuff them inside, trying to gather as much of his cum and keep it. when simon tries to cum in your mouth later, you nearly bite his dick off.
how dare he try and waste it?
#i can't write rn but i've been thinking about this a lot lately#a baby did this to me the other day but there was no big giant masked man to save me after#the rest is just self indulgence cause i need to be nasty about him all the time#simon ghost riley#simon riley#simon ghost riley x reader#simon riley x reader#simon riley x you#ghost mw2#ghost cod#ghost call of duty#ghost mwii#ghost x reader#cod#call of duty#simon riley smut#simon ghost riley smut#simon thoughts#dark!ghost#dark!simon
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I really wonder if trauma theorists who say things like "Humans are the only animal that will be in a fright state when physically safe" or "the rest of the animal kingdom doesn't get PTSD" have ever, like
Do you think they've actually ever met an animal?
#staranise original#psychology#child abuse tw#ptsd tw#animal cruelty tw#so much of what we know about the nervous system and behaviour comes from animal studies!!!#the physiological toll of even fairly brief upsetting events on baby rats is evident for the rest of their lives#my cat has been spoiled like a princess for a decade straight#and if you reach out to pet the top of her head with your hand palm-down she WILL smack you#no matter how happy she is with the rest of the interaction#she LOVES being petted on the head if you approach with your hand behind her ears#seeing that A L W A Y S causes her to react out of sheer reflex#even with me#tell me that's not a trauma response#actually don't#I need to go wrap presents
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after six hundred strike
*odysseus and poseidon are both still on the rocks in the middle of the sea*
odysseus: ok, let's just agree to both say we're sorry
odysseus: on the count of three
odysseus: one..two..three
poseidon:
odysseus:
odysseus: see, now i'm just disappointed in the both of us
#odysseus: listen man... i just need a way to cross the rest of the water#odysseus: then we never have to interact again#poseidon: *still full of holes and bleeding* do i look like a joke to you?#listen ody's raft was destroyed by poseidon/the storm#the storm may be gone#but he still needs to cross the rest of the waters to ithaca#so what better way than the god of the seas?#even if you did just stab him repeatedly with his own trident#poseidon epic#poseidon#odysseus epic#odysseus#epic the musical#epic the vengeance saga#epic: the musical#six hundred strike
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In Bloom
#vash the stampede#trigun#trigun maximum#trigun art#las!art#i had ridiculous amount of fun with this one#seriously#more experimenting#more anatomy studies#good boi just chillin#he needs the rest too#u_u
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epic magma doodle hour
#need to draw bill a million times#i keep forgetting how much i love his design#doing that for the rest of the day#gravity falls#ford pines#stanford pines#bill cipher#billford#myart
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