#I truly cannot stand the idea that without empathy you are bad

[23sanguinity]

Fun fact: empathy is a lie and you do not need it at all to be a good person or to help someone

[aingeal98]

thinking of the differences in cass and bruce regarding their no-kill rules, and how cass’ rule is better in regards to the batman persona and what it stands for. death and bruce have an awful relationship, to say the least. he has gained nothing from death and murder, in fact it affects him so much that all he can do with death is just sit in its presence forever, without ever working through it (he literally refers to death as ‘a curse constantly hanging over him’ i mean that is not the most accepting mindset). with cass though? she can actively process death and even accept that it has happened. she isn’t like bruce, because she uses others dying to make her intense love and empathy stronger, while bruce just uses it to fuel anger and an onslaught of repressed negative emotions (which we all know can only last you so long before your whole body just gives out). i mean, the second bruces parents died, he separated the concept of murder from his life, (even though that is literally impossible, minhkhoa, ra’s, talia, selina, and basically anyone who has been in a meaningful relationship with bruce has pointed this out. i mean even a ghost martha wayne has told bruce there’s no avoiding death, only going through it). however, with cass? she literally was a murderer. one of the many reasons cass vows to never kill is because she actively sees herself in murderers, and thinks they all have the capacity to be redeemed, while bruce barely has an idea how to even process murder, let alone accept it or the people who do it (thinking of how he straight up denied that cass killed anyone, or was even capable of doing it, even with video evidence shown right in front of him, and im not even gonna get into the whole jason todd thing). cassandra could be a better batman simply because she can look death (specifically murders and murderers) dead in the eye and accept it, something that bruce cant even do. basically what im getting at is that, ironically, cass’ backstory of her being a murderer allows her to use the batman persona to its full unfiltered potential, something that even bruce is aware of. anyways here’s my cass should take up the batman mantle propaganda!!

I'm chewing on this like it's a five course meal thank you so much for this analysis there's so much to go through.

You're so right about their different mentalities like Bruce was ultimately a victim and his drive comes from both never wanting anyone else to suffer like that but also never wanting to be a victim again himself. And if does mean that his various complexes around death and crime can sometimes be very harmful to people he should be trying to save! Batman is a symbol and an ideal and no one, not even Bruce can truly live up to it.

Meanwhile Cass views herself as the perpetrator, the responsible party instead of a fellow victim tricked into killing a man. And her projection while again not in anyway perfect is definitely better for those around her than Bruce's because it's full of empathy and a belief for change. The heartbreaking part is that she's no less fucked up over the concept of death imo, she just directs it all inwards. Every life lost is a tragedy that Bruce and Cass both carry on their shoulders. The difference is Bruce views anyone who takes a life as having sacrificed a part of themselves they can ever get back, of ruining their life regardless of circumstances. And we really do get to see frequently in comics how that standard ends up harming innocents even as he tries to do good. Meanwhile Cass... Does actually hold quite similar views but she also stubbornly refuses to believe it's true for anyone else just because she cannot escape it being her own personal truth. They killed but they can change. They killed but they can turn their life around. They felt bad for a second there, I saw them. I'm going to help them because of that.

Part of it definitely comes down to the thematic cohesiveness of Cass's Batgirl run compared to Bruce's... Everything. But ultimately yeah Cass best Batman for multiple reasons and you can fight me on this.

[hannibalbabygirlifier]

i would love to hear more of your thoughts on Hannibal and Will's post-fall relationship (and maybe even Hannibal being more emotional in contrast to how most of fandom sees him, because i very much agree with you on that)!! honestly, feel free to ramble to your heart's content because i love all your takes on them <3

Yippie!! Wahoo!!

Okay on Hannibal being more emotionally driven than people think. The thing is I think he’s actually basically in emotional overload at all times. This is a man that feels everything INTENSELY at any given time. Art is life changing and euphoric to the point of sitting by it and recreating it every single day. Good music brings genuine tears of emotion. Love is akin to devotion for him, it transcends everything. He has very specific coping mechanisms and ways he has learned to be BECAUSE of this, the way people learn to mask the aspects of themselves that they feel are deficient.

So much of his hedonism is a combination of intense love of everything life has to offer and the fact that it’s a double edged sword. Feeling everything intensely equally makes it so he is unable to sit with unpleasant feelings or things. Having gone through the early years of his life with the constant of fear, pain, loss, hunger, cold, discomfort, magnified by 1000 in someone who everything is exceptionally intense for, there is a clawing hunger for only the best of everything, to not be having a bad time ever for even a second. He will not suffer boredom, humiliation, indignity, without a disproportionately volatile and impulsive response. He’s a ticking bomb easily set off, he’s just learned to hide it. Anyone truly apathetic wouldn’t care about the whole rude thing, it would fly completely over their head.

It’s a through line in every version of media made about him that one key component of his character is that he is very capable of love and that it’s a driving force for him. I think he has a much greater depth of feeling for people than average, and those he does love and consider family are on the receiving end of absolute devotion and adoration, but again, it is a double edged sword. With the ability to love that deeply there is also the ability to feel intense disappointment, alienation, disgust, etc about people. His love is above and beyond the average persons, but his feelings of dislike and therefor apathy are disproportionate as well.

Many of his kills aren’t completely random or unfeeling- they are people that inspire negative emotions such as politicians that try to destroy the nature and beauty in the world, doctors that are cruel and derogatory to their patients, academics that are deliberately exclusionary and condescending, in general people that in his eyes actively make the world a worse place. He cannot stand ugliness because what is a minor inconvenience to the average person is blindingly unspeakably ugly to him.

This isn’t to say he doesn’t still kill people that don’t fit in this category- there’s very much two types. Those he kills because they make the world a worse place and in his eyes don’t deserve the beauty of life, and those that are just in the wrong place at the wrong time. I think the second category falls into a weird place in terms of his empathy- I’m just spewing thoughts here but I think he has this weird thing going on that he has suffered about as much as a person can and still finds life joyful and even feels that he’s better for it, is even excited and compelled by the idea of his own death, that he just genuinely doesn’t think what he’s doing is that bad. He’s the boomer parent going “well back in my day I walked 50 miles through the snow to school” except it’s back in my day this this this and this happened and I’ve seen the ugliest the world has to offer and I’m keenly aware of it, so getting your arm chopped off and being gaslight really isn’t that bad, maybe you’ll even be better for it and see the world through new eyes/become something more beautiful for it! Isn’t that exciting! He even thinks death is exciting and a beautiful change in its own way, so it doesn’t phase him. The smaller fish is eaten by the bigger fish and the bigger fish will someday get got by the shark and as the bigger fish he is perfectly capable of empathy for the smaller one, even does see himself in its shoes, but sees it just as a beautiful cycle of life that will happen to him someday too and it isn’t at all a bad thing to have experienced it and been a part of something. How wonderful, for it all to have meaning. But in general I don’t think he does anything he does without empathy-he just does it anyways. “Extreme acts of cruelty require a high degree of empathy.”

All this isn’t to say that he doesn’t have times that he does shut off his empathy at will, or behave deeply apathetically, but it’s very much a learned skill. There is a feral dog, a volatile child, an open wound of a person deep down but age and rigidly practiced self control have given him the ability to repress things and control his reactions in a way someone who does not struggle with that simply never would. In the way someone who struggles deeply socially might practice and overcompensate to the point of becoming excellent public speakers and social butterflies, he has crafted himself a person suit that is calm, always rational, collected and emotionless to serve him as he makes his way through the world. He’s almost a matryoshka of person suits. The first layer the world sees is the charming kind social butterfly that is perfectly normal. The second, the unfeeling sociopath, the monster. But that’s just another suit intentionally stitched to serve him. The third, further down, as I said, is the emotional burn victim whom every metaphorical breeze is a severe sensation. He is a master of repressing pain- whether it be no reaction to physical torture or violence, or over a decade of repressed memories, he takes pride in being able to control the volatile beast within and letting it out just enough. He actually is pretty successful with this for a long time! But of course will bursts his way into his life and breaks down those walls just enough that it’s like dominos and his grip on all of it starts to loosen.

SO. Pivoting onto post fall relationship.

I do think there’s a total acceptance of that vulnerability at that point. Some people see him as still having walls or even being resentful towards will but I really don’t think he is. I think he’s just genuinely euphoric that they are together and that there is family and peace and unconditional love at last. I think one of his biggest driving forces is a desire for genuine true all accepting-unconditional love. If I did the worst will you still love me. He’s definitely the bitch asking if you’d still love him if he was a worm. That was really the whole thing with Abigail in season 2-if you think I killed her will you still be able to love me and accept me. The tragedy of it is without Abigail will probably would have been able to forgive everything else but Hannibal needed to know even if he did the worst, that nothing would be enough to sever them. So now that he really does have that I see him as a deeply content cat purring and basking by wills side.

I do honestly think it’s touchy as hell right away too. On the cliff a dam is definitely broken and there is a kind of physical contact and intimacy there hasn’t been before, and I think once they start touching there’s no reigning that back in. I definitely think a first kiss would be initiated by will because funnily enough even though he doesn’t have it early on, by that point hannibal almost has a strange insecurity with him-he is deeply vulnerable to rejection from him and I think would be afraid of pushing especially now. That being said, I think it would happen very quickly, within the first day, and it’s as natural as breathing. They’re already in each others space, clinging to each other for warmth, survival, coming down from the high of everything, treating their wounds, at some point it goes from just breathing in each others air to being connected. They’ve begun to blur. I’m extremely soft about them showering together, sleeping intertwined, in the days after. There’s just such a peace after the hollow ache that has been there for both of them for so long.

I do think it is an interesting stretch for will to spend with hannibal because he starts to see him in a much more vulnerable light. He starts to be more of just a man to him, a man that he loves, that wakes up from nightmares or has flashes of insecurity he starts to recognize, that has strange little fussy habits and preferences that make will feel fond.

I was talking the other day that I feel like Will will sort of enjoy getting things for him but he’ll be so particular about how hannibal gets only the best. He’ll grumble all the way about it but go out of his way to get exactly the right coffee beans, tea leaves, flowers, etc for him. And it’s not even that hannibal cares, he would love anything from will! But it’s important to will that his beloved has exactly what he wants and likes. Of course will is ridiculously possessive, we know that, and it’s only amplified post fall. Hannibal is the most precious thing he has and of how he treats his dogs is any indication, he is VERY particular about what hannibal gets. I also think he’s spent so long wanting/trying to hurt him, there’s a particular delight in wanting to please him, to see him delighted and it’s because of HIM. Oh and if he gave something that hannibal could wear, the fucking power trip of that kind of claim on him.

I think they teach each other things a lot too. I love will teaching him fishing, and loving Hannibal’s undivided attention and how much hannibal wants to be involved in wills interests, and in turn will dabbles in cooking and music and such. They often cook together, although hannibal starts burning things more often than he ever has in his entire life because will gets very randy about him in the kitchen. And there’s absolutely nothing to unpack there, no sir!

Of course they do murder stuff, I mean. It’s them. But I think less and less as the life they’ve carved out together is too important to risk drawing attention, so it’s a special date night treat rather than Hannibal’s manic look at me come catch me flurry in Europe.

They also psychologically torture each other but it’s mainly just for enrichment in their cage. Will knows hannibal will go crazy and start eating the drywall if he’s bored even a second so he deliberately instigates shit and causes situations just so hannibal has a project. There’s a lot more honesty though when it really matters, the mind games and lying are mostly just a weird sex thing for them, they know where they’re at at the end of it. Hannibal also is running Pavlov-esque experiments on whatever dogs will gets just as something to do and will is begrudgingly okay with it as long as it’s harmless.

Hannibal’s social life is bad because will acts like a deranged lunatic going “you know other men????” Anytime he mentions like. The mailman. But he’s okay with it because will is all that he actually needs and the only person he actually cares to talk to-as long as will still goes with him to parties and operas because if he doesn’t get his little nights out on the town he will kill everyone and then himself. Relationships, it’s all about balance.

[maxisanangrywell]

Okay, so. I've had to delete a ton of asks because of my Leftist Rant post which can be found on my page. A lot of them were rude, from both sides of the aisle, and I want to present you all with the fucking FACTS since people (Tiktok/Online leftists) think I'm making this shit up or being weak or a "nazi sympathizer".

So, let's proceed with the facts, shall we?

Nic Sumners, a 21-year-old cosmetic car repairman from Virginia, says he is pro-choice. But when he voted in the 2024 presidential election, he did so for Donald Trump.

Despite his personal beliefs, he says that Trump talks about the American people in a way that resonates with him, without—in his opinion—faulting him for his gender and sexual orientation.

“I’m a straight white man, and I feel like we take the blame for a lot of things,” Sumners says.

“Of course there are bad guys,” he adds, insisting he’s not one of them just because he voted for Trump. But what appealed to him about Donald Trump was that “his campaign was not coming after us. He was highlighting the American people, which we are. It doesn’t matter what color you are, what you may identify as. Since I wasn’t excluded, I resonated with it.” -- Galmour Article

Wow! Lookie there!! Oh, but there's more!

The macho energy of the Trump presidential run -- eschewing political correctness, "wokeness" or other forms of liberal handwringing -- won over plenty of Black men, despite the campaign's outright racism at times.

As Democrats embark on their postmortem, trying to figure out what went wrong, there won't be one simple explanation.

Among Black men under 45, about three out of 10 voted for Trump -- double the rate of the 2020 vote and blowing yet another hole in the Democrats' traditional base.

But "Black and Latino men could possibly overlook the racism of the Trump campaign because Trump appealed to their sense of machismo," Vigil offered. --

It's almost like what I was saying has truth in it, because surprise!!! I actually am in a very conservative family and talk to these people on a daily basis. Now my household, and immediate family is very left leaning with the exception of my brother. Everyone else, including AROUND ME is either far left or Trump supporters/conservatives.

Unlike you internet lefties, I don't live in an echo chamber and actually try to educate the people around me. While you're over there, complaining about being in a fuckig blue state, I'm here on the ground, talking to people and finding out WHY they didn't vote for Kamala. Each person says the same thing, it's largely not about abortion, or sexism or anything.

Young men felt PUSHED OUT by the Harris-Walz campaign, and Trump like the fascist his party is, picked up on that way to win. And he catered towards those men DESPITE the racism. And it fucking worked, we saw it fucking work in real time.

Am I asking you to grab a neo-nazi's hand and fucking sing kumbaya? No. Of fucking course not. Am I asking you to be kind and have the barest hint, the SEMBLANCE of fucking empathy? Yes. That's it, just be fucking KIND.

I don't know where most of you got this idea in your head that there needs to be a bloody violent revolution. That's not going to happen. If it does we will all be killed. Your glorification of violence will get you killed. Stand your ground in the face of hatred, but be fucking kind and educate those that cannot properly do it themselves.

You leave these people in these groups because they voted for that man, and guess what happens? They go further into it. They start believing it is truly them against the world. They don't break out of that. They go further, get more radicalized. That's when you have mass shooters. That's when you have those guys in ski masks walking down the fucking street waving a nazi flag.

It's not hard to understand, or wrap your mind around. If you did actual reading, if you did ACTUAL ground work, you'd see you can't just fucking cut them off like that and you should have been challenging their beliefs almost every fucking time they opened their mouths about it.

Is it exhausting? Fucking hell yes. It's emotionally and physically taxing. But you know what it does? Saves us from this shit that we're in now. Black women and Indigenous people have been doing this shit for ages. Now it's time for EVERYONE to fucking do it. Stop acting like a revolutionary, you're going to get us all fucking killed.

I'm so sick of this, genuinely. I feel like the smartest fucking person in the room sometimes because Hunger Games and Divergent mixed with the Handmaid's Tale has rotted your fucking brains. Read actual shit, like By any Means Necessary, Malcolm X. Or fucking Martin Luther King Jr. Angela Davis. Fascism in Big Business. Fucking ANYTHING. Read shit that was done by Nazi's, detailing their descent into fascism and how their entire family got swept into it and how they realized later they were the fucking issue.

Read shit from former KKK members, former Neo Nazis. You should be reading EVERYTHING. Not getting breakdowns on radicalization on people who have NEVER been radicalized. It's like someone rapping about being a black guy in compton while they live in Upstate New York as a White girl. They aren't speaking from THEIR lived experience. Of course they're going to fall into misinformation.

It's not fucking hard to be a kind person. You're not the mean girl or bullied nerd in highschool anymore. Grow the fuck up and be kind. Our very fucking humanity depends on it.

[ashesandhackles]

Deconstructing Harry: The boy we meet in Philosopher's Stone to the man in Deathly Hallows

I have often seen fans talk about how nebulous Harry is as a character, especially in the earlier books. They can't make sense of who he is as a character and other more colourful, more actualized personalities take over our attention from any traits Harry might display. Harry becomes more defined for a lot of people OOTP onwards where he displays traits that sometimes make him unbearable or unlikable.

Harry, as we are introduced in PS, has a very little sense of self. He is narratively self deprecating or plays down his presence or skills, not that he is aware he has any. He grew up without any presence of him displayed in the house - no photos, no idea about his parents or what they look like or what really happened to them and discouraged from asking questions. Harry as we meet him is neglected, rootless about his identity and longs for escape. For him, every day is a battle against Dudley, who bullies him or Vernon, thus setting a worldview that never truly goes away: him vs adults. But just because Harry doesn't attach traits or values to self, does not mean he does not have it.

It's an effective narrative tool though - for Harry to be our eyes of the world. Only in later re-readings can we get a grasp of the traits that become more pronounced as books go on. Also, it's not surprising that Harry develops a better sense of self when he is removed from an abusive home.

Let me begin with this:

1. Harry is a fighter

One of the things that struck me in later re-readings is that how much of a fighter Harry is, from the very beginning. He will not lie down and take abuse. The narrative presents it as no big deal, because Harry doesn't assign any importance to it - it's every day life for him.

-Verbal standing up-

See his reaction to Uncle Vernon and the letter fiasco. He stands up for himself, even if it falls on deaf ears. "I want my letter - as it is mine!". Later on, in the same book, a completely befuddled 11 year old Harry stands up to Snape too, but in a politer way: "I think Hermione knows the answer. Why don't you try her?". He gets less polite with Snape as books go on. Harry's humor is something he employs liberally with Dudley when standing up to him - "The poor toilet's never had anything as horrible as your head down it - it might be sick" and we see this trait manifest into the sass we all know and love.

- Fight or flight-

He is remarkably good at "fighting himself out of tight corners" as Snape put it. And although Snape attributes it to luck and more talented friends, he is onto something about Harry's ability to worm out of tight corners. He lives moment to moment in a dangerous situation - relying on his nerve, very fast reflexes and athleticism. He is also able to notice things in an environment that will get him out of a quick pinch. You see this clearly in Department of Mysteries in Book 5 where he comes up with the idea to smash shelves, the mad idea to escape on a dragon, the ministry escape where he manipulates Runcorn's image (as he noticed how people were reacting to him) to create chaos and get the Muggleborns and the trio out, Chamber of Secrets when he instinctively understood the diary is the source of power and stabbed it.

Where does the athleticism and ability to spot dangerous situation come from? This boy has spent a decade cheeking Dudley and running away from his gang, spotting when he needs to get out of the way as "long experience had told him to be out of Uncle Vernon's arms reach" or "ducking when Aunt Petunia aimed a frying pan at his head". The instinct to see a dangerous situation develops over the course of the books in his adventures - to the point Harry unconsciously brings out his wand in Tottenham road without thinking too much about it. He is almost always wary and less quick to lower his wand.

When hiding/ escaping is not an option, Harry is not above physical fighting - despite how small and skinny he is in Book 1. Both he and Dudley fight for a chance to listen at the door when letter first arrives for Harry. Dudley wins the fight. Later on, Harry jumps Uncle Vernon from behind and hangs on to his neck to get his letter. He even does the same thing to the troll in the same book. ( Then over the course of series, we see him beat up Sirius in Book 3, Malfoy in Book 5, strangle Mundungus in Book 6 - all of these are related to his fury over the dead, so different context. But still).

- Manipulation/ Cunning-

11 year old Harry even tries sneakily - waking up early to get his letter (unfortunately didn't work). The other sneaky methods he has employed throughout the series is - not telling Dursleys at end of PS that he is not allowed magic at home, threatens Dudley with it in COS, not telling them Sirius is innocent to play up the threat of a murderous godfather to keep them accountable, and also the smooth way he negotiates with Uncle Vernon for Hogsmeade letter. ("Well it will be hard work, pretending to aunt Marge that I go to St Whatsits" ,"Knocking the stuffing out of me won't make Aunt Marge forget what I could tell her"). He similarly displays his negotiation and playing to what he knows about people with Slughorn in Book 6, Pettigrew in Book 7.

The scene with Slughorn is disturbing, with Harry coercing a drunk Slughorn to give up his memory. You can argue that this is the influence of Felix Felicis, but I think the potion acted more as facilitation. The disturbing way Harry brings up his mother's murder to unnerve Slughorn is his own doing. ("Voldemort stepped over my father's body towards mum" "I forgot - you liked her, didn't you?"). Again, in a life threatening situation, Harry plays to Pettigrew's latent guilt: "You are going to kill me? After I saved your life? You owe me Wormtail!"

2. Relational justice over abstract justice

Harry's concept of justice is relational and based on his high empathy for the underdog. He notices power dynamic in a situation and empathises with the victim. This is in contrast to Hermione, who has more abstract, bigger picture view of justice. It's no wonder that Hermione is the one who is the most political of the three.

His high empathy for the underdog and needing to stand up for them is because he feels responsiblility that no one should go through what he went through. He stands up for Neville in PS and encourages him to stand up for himself. When he sees his father bullying Snape, it is not about an abstract "this is wrong behavior". Harry goes further: "Harry knew what it felt like to be taunted among a circle of onlookers" , Harry focuses on young Snape's mismatched clothes because he himself knows what it's like to wear clothes that are not yours or ones that make you look ridiculous. His empathy extends to Voldemort too - understanding why he may not want to go back to his orphanage and desire to be in Hogwarts, wondering why Merope wouldn't stay alive for her son, his fixation with Voldemort's maimed soul in King's Cross chapter and later asking Voldemort to feel remorse (" I have seen what you will become otherwise"). Even his reaction to Dobby in COS - "Can't anyone help you? Can't I?" when Dobby talks about his slavery. Hermione is usually seeing the bigger picture, Harry sees the individual.

3. Pathological mistrust of adults

He is less likely of the trio to take an adult at their words or be assured by them when they say they are taking care of things. He has learnt, from a very young age, that he is always expected to take care of himself. And the times he does take things to adult, they consistently disappoint him - by patronising him or acting like he is a child, neither of which he has tolerance for or appreciates. This is why he takes to Sirius and Lupin, who exhibit neither of these communication patterns. In some ways, Mr Weasley too.

Umbridge's abuse of him for him is framed as a battle of wills between her and him, as if he is an equal. And he loses if he complains - "not giving her a satisfaction of knowing she got to me". Harry's worldview has always been - adult vs him.

His inability to trust adults even extends to the ability of adults he likes to look after themselves. While Sirius is understandably a wreck in OOTP, he has by and large followed Dumbledore's orders. This doesn't register with Harry (Ron points it out: "Sirius listens to Dumbledore even though he doesn't like what he hears") and Harry's fears about Sirius, excaberated by Sirius's tendency for recklessness, comes to play.

He even showed similar distrust in Lupin's judgement in taking a potion from Snape in POA ("Harry felt the urge to knock the goblet out of Lupin's hands" and tries to hint at Lupin that Snape will "do anything" for DADA job). And he shows this once again with the most magically powerful wizard he knows - Dumbledore. ("if I tell you to abandon me and save yourself, you must do so". Dumbledore has to insist on this before Harry nods reluctantly. It's also Dumbledore's wording, but this is a wizard Harry feels safe with almost entirely because of his power - and yet Harry cannot obey an order like this without reluctance). It's not about Harry's own ability to take care of them - he just innately cannot leave people to it.

4. Humor as a value and coping mechanism

Harry has an established coping mechanism by the time we are introduced to him - quip in the face of danger/ dark humor. There are repeated instances of Harry amusing himself with snarky comments in his head when things are really bad for him. Like in PS, when they are in the hut, Harry wonders if the roof will fall in and then thought that if it did fall in, he might be warmer. In the earlier books (before his growth), he seems to value Ron over Hermione simply because he is more "fun". Harry enjoys being around funny people like Ron, Weasley twins, later Ginny simply because there is some dark stuff happening with him and he needs "fun" people for semblance of normalcy, escape. In fact, this desire is so strong, he attaches it to his romantic relationships: Ginny is a "blissful oblivion" and times with her are "something out of someone else's life". His relationship with Cho failed because her coping mechanism is discussing her trauma and Harry's is escaping it.

-dealing with conflict with people he likes, small digression-

A part of his growing up in later books includes valuing Hermione as much he values Ron and we see it in display in HBP, where he is more willing to stand up for her to Ron (something he kind of did more quietly before in POA - "can't you give her a break?" ) and also get confrontational with her instead of using Ron as a buffer between them to fend off her more boisterous/ bossy tendencies. ("let him make up his mind" "skip the lecture" "don't nag" - Ron took the heat in earlier books. In HBP, Harry is more willing to be irritable with her in a day-to-day interaction - "I hope you enjoy yourself" he tells Hermione when she states her intention to investigate Half Blood Prince. Or when she tests the book - "Finished? Or do you want to see if it does backflips?" "Do you have rub it in Hermione, how do you think I feel now?" at the end of HBP. ) In OOTP, his best method to deal with her when she bothers him was lying, avoiding her nagging and if that doesn't work, explode and treat her to display of his temper. There is more to explore here, of course - even with regard to how he deals with Mrs Weasley in Book 4, 5 and the difference of him hugging her in Book 7.

5. Fascination with the dead/ a passive death wish

Harry feels remarkably little sense of betrayal knowing that he was set up to die by Dumbledore. His self sacrificing streak is rooted in his love, yes, but I also think Harry is a little bit too fascinated by death, not surprising considering most people he loved are dead. Him wanting the resurrection stone in DH, him obsessively spending time at Mirror of Erised (to the point he feels feverish and Ron thinking he looks strange) until Dumbledore stops him, him almost wanting to fail to learn a Patronus because he wants to hear his parents voice, the hearing of whispering voices in the Veil in OOTP which only Luna could hear apart from him, the scene at the grave where he almost wishes he was "lying under the snow" with his parents, the possession scene in the book of OOTP has him wishing to die so he can be with Sirius. You can almost argue the Harry has, in many moments, shown raw desire of death. In fact, him choosing to let go of the stone and not go looking for it is a big character decision for him.

I also want to address Harry's temper and how that develops over course of series, the implications of understanding the people he loved and put on pedestal are flawed - but I am afraid this post is already way too long. So I will leave that for some time later.

[theonceandfutureking6481]

BBC's Merlin Season 1 Episode 3: The Mark of Nimue Analysis

*SPOILERS FOR THE WHOLE SHOW*

First off I always look fondly on this episode, mainly for Morgana being hilarious and epic, I mean she has the best line in the whole episode:

Arthur: You could get hurt

Morgana: So could you.... if you don't get out of my way

This episode is also fun and interesting from the perspectives of plot, characters and themes. Sorry, this is extremely long, I have a lot of opinions about Merlin.

Gwen and Merlin

This episode is in many ways about Gwen and Merlin's friendship, it is the driving force behind all of Merlin's actions within this episode and is the stepping stone for this show considering how to find a balance between acting for the greater good without suggesting that the ends justify the means.

Merlin and Gwen are first off just very sweet, their friendship is really characteristic of this show's representation of friendship overall, just genuine love and consideration for others. It is also self-sacrificing, that's one thing about the relationships in this show they are so self-sacrificing.

When Merlin says to Gwen "I didn't like to see you upset." It reveals a wonderful fact of Merlin's characterisation that I would argue stays consistent for the whole show. His motivation is always grounded in how much he cares for the people around him. He cares deeply about his friends and they are largely his reason for doing the things he does. This line is a wonderful parallel to in season 3 when Merlin decides to let Morgana die (after he accidentally trips her down the stairs), but then in the end he heals her because he couldn't watch everyone's grief. Merlin cannot separate his actions from the people he's doing them for, and he can't stand to see people hurt when he has the power to fix it because the people he loves are his motivation, they are the reason he wants a better world. This show does establish (as I'll discuss further down) that what seems immediately right (healing Gwen's father etc) isn't necessarily the right decision to make for the greater good. This is some ways always questions the validity of Merlin's motivations and his actions, but I'd argue it more seeks to find a balance. Besides a Merlin who didn't act motivated by his love for others is not a Merlin that could have helped Arthur build Camelot.

Medievalism: duty and social obligation

Quick disclaimer cause I'm touching on a more scholarly issue here that I have limited knowledge of, so I will undoubtedly make mistakes and this is my opinion. Everything I write is my opinion, but that's more obvious when I'm commenting on the themes of a fictional world rather than making a comment on actual fields of study which is what I'm doing here.

BBC's Merlin is an example of medievalism, it is an engagement with the medieval era (or ideas/images associated with it) for modern times. I honestly don't know that much about medievalism, or the medieval era, certainly not enough to make an extensive commentary on its representation in Merlin. One thing I would argue is that Merlin's representation of friendship has its roots in idealised views of the virtues of the medieval era. For many people the Middle Ages represents a time of duty and social obligation, this on one hand does lead to a stringent class divide but it also finds its idealisation in the sort of friendship represented by Merlin. The premise in most societies that place great value on social obligation is that the needs of the community outweigh the needs of the individual, that people should sacrifice themselves for the community as a whole. Every society places emphasis on this in different ways and to greater or lesser extents and our view of it as being prevalent in the medieval era is largely an idealisation based in some historical reality but also our own desires about what this era represents. There is a kind of social responsibility in the relationships in Merlin, there is a great emphasis on loyalty which is part of this idealisation. However, Merlin makes it more personal than is often depicted. We idealise social responsibility and obligation, it is often tied into the social roles of people such as loyalty to a king, or paying back debts of honour which is a form of social obligation. Merlin is more about friendship, it takes our idealisation of medieval social obligation and makes it the obligation and loyalty we owe to people who love us and who we love. I will always say that fundamentally Merlin as a show is about love, and it emphasises what we owe to people in our lives in a way I believe echoes idealisation of medieval loyalty.

This idea can also be seen in Arthur's fundamental trust of others, his fundamental assumption that everyone around him is not seeking to harm him, and that people are generally good. This ties a bit into the idea of social obligation. Arthur's idealised world is one in which people have bonds of social obligation towards each other, that people are seeking to act in the interests of the community. It's an idealisation, both of the medieval era but also an idealisation in Arthur's own head of the world he lives in.

Morgana and Gwen

Their relationship is somewhat expanded on in this episode, and they are just so sweet. Gwen gives Morgana flowers to cheer her up and its just lovely. They have a very genuine and close relationship. Morgana also has great respect for Gwen, for the work she does, and she treats her with respect.

Morgana: "If she was a sorceress, why would she kneel on the cold stone floor every morning if she could make these things happen with a snap of her fingers, like an idle king."

Aside from being one of Morgana's many quality burns towards Uther, this also illustrates one of her greatest characteristics, her empathy and genuine respect and admiration for what Gwen does everyday. She doesn't see the class divide in the same way Uther sees it or Arthur pretends to see it.

Also interesting note I heard in a Merlin podcast (I can't remember which episode), it could have been the episode about this episode. It's called Destiny and Chicken (you can listen to it on Spotify and anywhere else you find podcasts- they even did an interview of Bradley James who plays Arthur at one point), and its very good. But, they said something interesting about the paralleling between the relationship between Merlin and Arthur and the relationship between Morgana and Gwen. Both are fundamentally important and genuinely caring relationships for the character. However, for Morgana and Gwen (unlike Merlin and Arthur) the class divide remains much more in place, Gwen treats Morgana like her friend but she also treats her like her mistress in a way Merlin just doesn't with Arthur (especially not so early in the show when he's not so admiring of Arthur). This isn't to say their relationship is bad or has problems, its just different whilst still acting as a parallel. I'm not sure exactly the extent to which I agree or what this says overall in themes but its definitely interesting to think about.

Uther: "A Good and Terrible King."

This episode shows Uther at both his best and his worst which is always fun because Uther is a genuinely interesting character. I got the line from my favourite Merlin fanfiction Coronation by rageprufrock, which you should definitely read, I'll link it down the bottom, it's not too long so you can read it in half an hour. It's a character study of Arthur more than anything else and its amazing, wonderful and deeply poetic. Uther is not a huge part of this fanfic, its about Arthur's character and his relationship with Merlin and his kingdom, I'm not even sure he actually appears. This line though perfectly tapped into how I always felt about Uther so it connected:

"He's been a good and terrible father, a good and terrible king."

I often think in characterising Uther we do tend to villainise him to an extent which I personally don't find accurate. This is obviously just my opinion, and I have a tendency to think the best of people so more intensely negative views of Uther are very jarring for me. He did terrible things and I truly believe he is the ultimate villain of the show but he is very human and he could be a good king and he loved his children more than anything else. We cheapen Merlin's point if we cast Uther as pure evil, everyone is capable of evil just as much as goodness. Uther is the tragedy (like Morgana) of a person who could have been good or at least halfway decent corrupted and destroyed by his own hate and ignorance. That's the point of the parallels between Uther and Morgana, we love Morgana and she was capable of so much good, but she corrupted herself with hate.

Onto this episode, Uther shows both his capability and goodness as a king in this episode as well as his hatred and ignorance. Uther's initial reaction to the fact that the plague is caused by magic is a concern about his own authority, which isn't entirely unfounded, but does reveal a huge priority of his which is control. He fears not being able to control, that's were his cruelty as a father comes from and to some extent his opposition to magic. This does not show Uther in the best light, but his actions later in regards to dealing with the plague show a decent king who cares about his people. This scene in which he tells Arthur to shut off the lower town perfectly illustrates this:

Arthur: But what about the people who live there

Uther: Don't you think I haven't considered it? What else can I do? I have to protect the rest of the city

In this situation Uther is right, there is very little other choice, he's making a hard call but it's one he has to make, and he seems genuinely distressed at having to make it. He does care about his people's well being, and he feels the burden of their protection, he can be a good King. Much of Arthur's story is in breaking away from the legacy of Uther, and rightly so, but Uther also taught him many things and one of those things is the duty Arthur has towards his people, it's a duty he takes even more seriously than Uther, but nonetheless he learnt it from him.

This however, as I've hinted, is not the whole story of this episode, Uther is also shown at his worst, and his worst is his ignorance and prejudice towards magic. He is willing to sacrifice justice and even sacrifices logical thought to his blind persistence that magic is evil.

Arthur: She's right Father. You hear the word magic you no longer listen.

Uther: You saw it for yourself, she used enchantments.

Arthur: Yes, maybe. To save her dying father, that doesn't make her guilty of creating a plague. One's the act of kindness, of love, the other of evil. I don't believe evil's in this girl's heart

Aside from what this says about Arthur. Arthur's comment about Uther hits right to the point of things "you hear the word magic you no longer listen". You no longer listen implies its a choice, and it is. Uther has made the choice for the last 20 years to choose to go on a dogmatic campaign of hate against magic because its easier than considering the alternative, that he was complicit in his wife's death. What Uther says immediately after "there are dark forces threatening this kingdom." is the argument used by so many people throughout history, used to justify so much hate. That there is an evil out there threatening the stability of life, that the world must be controlled and people have to live a certain way or risk destroying their own lives. It's an argument that justifies campaigns of hate and makes them personal to ordinary people who usually wouldn't care, and it is always a lie, that's not how the world works.

This episode thus shows Uther at his best and his worst, both a dutiful king and a stubborn tyrant. It's a tragedy of what he could of been, and shows how twisted up people can become when they justify their decisions with hate and fear.

Arthur

This is the first episode where Arthur really opposes Uther, he directly questions Uther's indiscriminate hatred of magic, and an episode where he realises to an extent he perhaps hadn't before some of the ways in which Uther has failed as a king. He also consciously acts in deception of Uther, because he can see Uther can't see sense. Arthur shows far more nuance of view than Uther does, understanding (even whilst still accepting as he will for a long time that magic is dangerous and it corrupts) that using magic doesn't make you automatically evil. To see the world the way Uther does is a conscious choice, you have to choose to be blind to the virtues of every apparent magic user you come across, you have to believe harmless spells are the signs of greater evil. Arthur is not someone who lets his own cowardice blind himself to reality, and so his worldview can see far more nuance than Uther can.

"One's the act of kindness, of love, the other of evil. I don't believe evil's in this girl's heart."

He further has a very positive view of others, Arthur will always see the good in people and that is a great strength in my view. In a lot of versions of the story Arthur's not just inspiring because he's good but because he assumes others are good too, he trusts people to do the right thing and I do believe that, that can inspire people to do the right thing. It's funny in Merlin Arthur's trust gets betrayed so many times but it never really hardens his heart, he continues to trust people no matter how many times he gets betrayed. This can be seen in his perception of Guinevere here, he will not assume she is evil because she has made a mistake, he can see the virtue in her actions, and he will assume goodness until proven otherwise. Innocent until proven guilty, in other words. It's its own form of justice, a justice Uther is forgetting, its a tenant of many legal systems and its a tenant Arthur clearly supports.

Arthur is also seeing his role as the king of Camelot in creating a Camelot that he would like to live in.

"Yes I am yet to be king, and I don't know what type of king I will be. But I do have a sense of the type of Camelot I would wish to live in. It would be where the punishment fits the crime."

It's not the Camelot he would wish to rule, its the Camelot he would wish to live in. Arthur wants to live in a just world, he wants his people to be treated with justice just as he would like to be treated with justice. This further illustrates that unlike Uther he is not letting anger or ignorance blind him to reality, he wants the world he lives in to be fair without exception.

Finding the Balance between The Greater Good and The Immediate Good

The Greater Good is a tricky concept, you can justify any amount of cruelty if it will lead to good later on, but do the ends justify the means? It's not really a question its ever possible to provide a definitive answer for. It's easy to say that they don't, that you should just do the right thing, the nice thing, the good thing in the moment but actions have consequences and doing the good thing all the time (especially in a position where thousands of lives depend on you) is not usually possible. Merlin tackles this theme, I believe, quite well, trying to find a balance between acting for the greater good and acting with what is immediately good, and this episode is a good example.

In a just and fair world you would be able to do good all the time, but this is not the case for everything, though you should never use the worlds not fair as an argument for not doing good things but I digress. Merlin's decision to save Gwen's father ultimately backfires on Gwen because the world is not fair, the world Uther has created mean even these acts of love are punishable with death. Because, for Uther, magic is magic, and magic is evil. Gaius was, in this situation, ultimately right, Merlin can't always do what is easy and what feels right because the consequences may not be good. In other matters like closing off the lower town, Arthur's initial response is concern for the people who live their, but Uther's right he has to make this one tough decision because otherwise he risks the whole city.

However, Uther's attitude to Gwen (aside from revealing his own stubbornness and prejudice) is an example of the greater good taken too far. He has absolutely no evidence that killing Gwen will stop this plague, but he's making that sacrifice anyway because it might, that is not justice or fair or anything resembling goodness. And he justifies his decisions with what I've already said is an age old argument- "These decisions must be made. There are dark forces threatening this kingdom." This is just another version of any easy choice, acting without regard to the greater good is an easy choice but so is ignoring what is immediately right in pursuit of some ambiguous goodness. He's confusing his own weakness and ignorance for strength.

The point Merlin is, I believe trying to make is that there must be a balance. Sometimes you have to pursue the greater good, but the ends don't really justify the means.

There is a reason Arthur and Merlin will create the Camelot of legend and Uther and Gaius don't, Merlin and Arthur aren't going to sacrifice their own goodness for the sake of the greater good. Merlin for one ensures Arthur never has to, its sad but Merlin in many ways makes the harsh and cruel decisions that Arthur never has to make. However, he also often doesn't make those decisions. He reaches a point where he wants to let people die, but he never actively attempts to kill Morgana or Mordred by himself unless it is an absolute in the moment choice between them and Arthur, and even though there is plenty of moral ambiguity about that and plenty of debates you can have about that. Fundamentally the point remains, Uther would have killed them and that's why he could never be the king Arthur would be or the influence for decency Merlin would be, the ends don't ever entirely justify the means. Besides if Merlin had thought that and killed Mordred and Morgana for their possible futures he would not have been the decent person he was and he could not have helped Arthur build a good Camelot, Camelot would not have existed if Merlin had acted entirely with the greater good in mind to ensure Camelot's future.

Other Stuff

Gwen's scene in the cell is so terribly sad, she's trying to be brave and her final request to Merlin is just so sad, "Remember me." She's so young and its the injustice and cruelty of Uther's kingdom that's condemning her, his own blindness to anything involving magic. We all want to be remembered don't we, especially when you die so young that you've barely had the chance to live. -----Also Guinevere will be remembered, she is a legend so there's something very bittersweet in this. She is not forgotten, then or ever

It's funny watching back to season 1, Merlin spends a lot of the time complaining about how Arthur will never recognise him for who he is. He wants recognition. But by the end of the show, yes of course he'd like recognition but he's learnt to just put up with never getting it. His priorities have changed so much.

There's this thing that happens a lot in season 1 and 2 (and I think a bit in season 3 but its less funny then) where Morgana persuades Arthur to do things by insulting him and its the funniest thing ever, and the first instance of it is here. I like to call these her 'epic sibling powers' cause they are just such siblings and its hilarious every time

"You are one side of the coin, Arthur is the other."- Kilgaharrah--> Just, yes.

Also when Arthur gets Merlin out of when Merlin confesses to being a sorcerer—> he's obviously making stuff up on the spot—> like he might sort of believe it (the stuff about Gwen) but fundamentally he's just trying to protect him without really knowing for sure why Merlin's lying

"One day people won't believe what an idiot you were."- Gaius--> Fun little nod to the audience who know Merlin of legend (as nothing like the BBC Merlin)

Also at this point we don't know why Uther really banned magic so there is an element of moral greyness to it all. We know magic's not evil, we know Uther went too far but at this point there is still a question about 'how too far' did he go?

Coronation by Rageprufrock (seriously read it. It's amazing): https://archiveofourown.org/works/5749

[mnxxlove]

Heeeey! I would like to request a Steve Rogers Imagine, with the prompts 17,20, 26,29. I really need Captain America in my life ❤️❤️❤️

IF YOU LOVE ME

Pairing: Steve Rogers

Prompts:

17; angst with happy ending

20; soulmates as friends

26; separation in battlefield

29; go on missions together

Word Count: 4902

Summary: It’s 2023, it’s been five years since The Avengers lost their battle, and Thanos won. Everyone did feel guilty and angry for it, they all wanted to avenge the fallen but it was already too late. Or at least it was, until Scott Lang suddenly appeared, and gave them the wonderful idea of returning back in time, thanks to the quantum realm.

Everyone has fought their battles and tried to win their demons, but Steve was blaming himself, and Nat, Bucky and Sam knew it. Ever since he got to witness, one of the most important persons that were in his life, to disappear before his eyes. It literally ruined him.

And he knew, deep down, that he would do anything for getting her back, and not losing her again.

warnings: a lot of angst, depression alert, overthinking, grief, fluff and light gore.

• Thanks for your request love 🧚

gif not mine;

The lights were turned off, the only light getting inside his apartment was the lightning coming from the furious thunders that would constantly collide to the countryside. He was standing, his left elbow placed on the freezing window, that was covered with millions of drops of cold water. His face was neutral, but he was feeling the exact otherwise…

There was no day in which he hadn’t spent it on blaming himself for what had happened. Not only her, trying to sacrifice her life all over again, just for him, but of him thinking that it was his fault. Steve Rogers, the man that was able of being capable of breaking and still recovering easily, hypocritical of everyone, even him, to believe so, counting on, that he has always felt the weakest, and the most vulnerable member of his team.

He tried to be positive, but there was no way he could be able to see the bright side of his current situation. A lot of people died, including her, and he could not help but to almost lose himself too. Steve has been all by himself, ever since he came out of the ice. Then, he met the people which later on, not only he would call them friends, but family. And then, there was her. She was a simple agent, but he knew she was more than just that. He valued her, not only for what she had become, but who she really was...

Y/n has always been there for him, every moment, every fight, every battle… And so was him, for her. But all changed a few years ago, back in two thousand and fifteen, when Steve got himself trapped in some issues that made him, Natasha and Sam to become the most wanted people from the Interpol. Even when she did not fight beside him at the airport, and she did not support him at the battle, Y/n changed her mind, to then helping him. At the end, her becoming as wanted for the Interpol as he was...

No phone calls, no messages for at least two and a half years. Then, Thanos happened, and the whole team got reunited, including her; something he didn’t expect. It’s not that he never expected her to appear, it only turned to be really unpredictable and confusing having her back. Even though they were fighting the battle of their life, it felt good having her with him, still, it didn’t last for so long... It was horribly painful to remember it, but he did it anyways.

Thanos arrived, he was giant, purple and way more taller and bigger than anyone could ever expected him to be. He was having a mischievous grin marked on his face. His pride and his ego were high, while looking at the ones who were possibly going to attack him. Wanda and Vision were with Steve, but so was Y/n. And although, deep down, Steve knew that he needed to do everything to stop him, and to not get to Vision, he then never thought about the consequences. Him and Y/n were one, if he moved she moved. It has always been good to have their own backs protected and watched, however, if anyone would get hurt or have any type of problems, they would be there for themselves no matter what.

And so, she was. It didn’t matter how worn out she felt, or how weak she was feeling, or the fact that she was bleeding, almost draining. She fought for him, until she couldn’t anymore. And just when things were turning to be under control, the great Titan snapped his fingers, and by consequence, making half of the living creatures of the whole galaxy to disappear and to turn into dust and ashes. But Steve, still didn’t know about it, until having her, staying unconscious, carried on his arms.

He was breathless, sitting on the ground having her cuddled. His eyes were filled with terror. Steve whispered her name a few times, while having one of his hands placed on her face, but there was no response back.

“I cannot lose you.” Steve’s voice stuttered, while he glanced at her, eyes scared. His fingers, taking off some strands of hair that were getting on her face delicately.

He wanted her to wake up, or at least make a noise, for him to know that she was awakened or at least, still alive. Even when he should’ve been hopeless, ‘cause Thanos himself, did attack her with the power stone, and punched really bad on the head, Steve wasn’t, he had faith. But then suddenly, everything stopped, there was no wind and the trees were no longer moving. There were no sounds and that made him to have a really bad feeling curving down his spine. His head got raised, he looked around, but he was alone, he had no idea where Wanda or Vision were, but still, Thor was there. Eyes full with blame and grief. He was barely blinking, and his face turned blank.

“Thor?” Steve gasped confusedly, but the God of Thunder didn’t even move from his place.

Pressing his lips anxiously, he then lowered his chin, and once he saw her fading into shattered dust, his eyes full with tears, widened in complete shock..

When Y/n was no longer there with him, he then looked at his dark gloves, now smudged with what was left from her. And that was the moment of realisation, when he was sure, that he lost not only the battle, but her as well.

There was no day in which any of his friends wouldn’t give him a call, or visit him. Nevertheless, Steve was tired of them trying to be supportive of something that had no solution or whatsoever. He truly wished he could’ve stopped her from saving him, making her stop running towards Thanos, just in case, he could’ve made anything for her, to not save him, to then, at end, saving her instead; or even trying to stop Thanos from snapping, but it was already too late.

“Steve…” Bucky’s voice sounded from outside of his apartment. He was calling for him to open up the door, but he did not move a finger. Steve did hear someone then, unlocking the door, but he did not even bother to look who could probably be, because he already knew.

“We know that you said you wanted to be on your own for a while. But it’s been weeks…” Sam sighed, just behind him.

His friends stared straight, at the yet broken man still staying in the same exact position.

“I know it has been a complete nightmare for you. We understand. But there’s no way you’ll get better, if you don’t try to move on, Steve.” Bucky’s words were hoarse and deep. Trying as best as he could to be careful, and to not hurt his friend’s feelings. However, on the other hand, Steve just decided to let out a deep sigh full with exhaustion. He was drowning, he knew it, but at the same time he didn’t care at all.

“What if I don’t want to move on?” The bearded man whispered, now taking off his elbow from the window. But still, standing just where he was at, still giving to them his back.

“You can’t be like this forever.” Bucky cleared his throat, now approaching, taking a few steps towards Steve. James was feeling bad for his friend. He wanted to help him, or at least, trying him to cope better with all the pain he was suffering. But it was impossible to make him feel any better…

Without saying anything else, Buck just pressed his lips in a thin line, while he looked straight up at him, empathy in his eyes such as Wilson’s were as well.

“I loved her, Bucky.” Steve admitted, his voice broken, such as if he was fighting himself for not to sob. His old friend looked up at him, and then closed his eyes.

“We know you did.” That was the last thing Sam said, right after Steve turned around on his feet, to then, walking straight to take a seat. Their friends followed him, having a seat just beside him, on the grey padded couch, he had on the living room.

They didn’t say anything back, afterwards. Sam either Bucky had no idea how to talk with him, without making him feel way worse than he was already feeling, and so it happened.

Someone’s footsteps approached rapidly to the entry, making them raise their chin at the same time, expecting someone to enter inside his place. It was Natasha, an expression of speechlessness, marked on her pale face.

“What's wrong?” Steve asked her, while taking a long sip from his almost empty glass of scotch whiskey. Nat still feeling shocked, she just walked towards where Steve was sitting, and without asking him, she grabbed his left hand, to make him, to get up from his seat.

“Where are you taking me? Nat…?” Steve repeated himself a few times. He was having a confused frown marked on his face. He was unsure of what was going on, but although he didn’t want to get thrilled about it, he did it anyway.

Nat made him to go downstairs, go inside the car and she brought them three to the Avengers base. Once they were in, Steve was starting to have a burst of feelings, just wanting to explode at the moment. So many memories, he couldn’t handle but to feel his heart ache for a bit, while walking and seeing the pictures that were framed all over the wall.

“Scott?” Steve told unsurely, while he looked at the inpatient man that was running in constant circles all over the place. Ant-man then, after hearing a familiar voice, calling from him, he stopped on both his feet, he looked up, then staring at the four people who were expected for him.

“I thought you were-” Steve added, his voice low but direct.

“Gone? Yeah, me too for a second. Until I went to see those bigass graves that were placed at the… “ Scott gasped ironically and then abruptly shut his mouth, blinking rapidly, his hands then trailing up, to his face desperately.

“Have either of you studied quantum physics?” Scott asked, afraid he had to make a whole explanation about it. Him noticing their confused faces, he then, decided to explain it and what he has been up to.

Every word he said was clear, but all they could understand was that there could be something they could do, after all.

“I’ve spent five years there, and it felt like hours, floating... Hope, my.. Well she's my... - Anyway, she was supposed to pull me out of there, but she didn’t!” Scott explained exasperatedly, while he gesticulated on the air with both his bare hands.

The man lost in time, explained how they could easily solve everything up, by trying to travel back in time, using the quantum realm as a bridge. The four persons, that were standing before Scott, stared at him in a mix of confusion and awareness. His idea sounded too good for not even trying to make it work, and although Nat and Bucky were hopeless, Steve and Sam had faith that it could work out.

The normal science class ended in an argument. Bucky did not want to risk anything, and so they all thought the same thing, but after all, that was the best idea they had in years. And it needed a try… So they decided to warn Tony about it, and if he could catch an eye on the project such as Bruce was doing, but although they thought it was going to work out. Stark did not believe the same thing.

Days and weeks passed non stopping, and it finally gave something in return. They’ve made a few experiments, in which any of them could volunteer to, of course. At first, seeing how chaotically bad it worked, the very first tries with Scott, their hope started to go down, but none of them wanted to give in, not just yet. After giving it a few more tries, they decided to take some time off and plan everything, so everyone wouldn’t have any type of ‘last moment’ questions.

“I honestly don't get it. We are going to go back in time to get the stones, but how does that not affect our current timeline?” Clint asked confusedly, leaving everyone speechless and not really sure what to say.

“We are going to travel back to two thousand and thirteen. The stones were in fact, in the same year all together, but not in the same place. Most importantly talking about the power stone, which it’s not even on this planet... The thing here is, if we do in fact, go back in time, and get the stones and we come here with them, It'll be just for a moment, nothing will affect the ecosystem of our current timeline, not even the one we chose to travel to, to get the stones. Because we will return them, just the second after we left with them. And that’s how we are going to win.”

“... We’ll get the stones, ok. But how are we so sure that this will go as planned?” Carol insisted, having her forearms crossed.

“That’s the thing. If we go back in time, the future which is our current timeline changes too, but if we travel back in time just the moment when we changed the past, we’are changing it as well, as returning the stones to their respective places.

However, if we go back to the battle in Wakanda, and we use the stones against Thanos, we’ll win in the past, which affects our current timeline. If we stop Thanos from snapping with the infinity gauntlet, we’ll win.” Tony added, walking towards Bruce, while pointing him with his pen.

“If we win, our current timeline will change… It’ll be as if nothing had ever happened.” Natasha told, her voice soft and careful.

Her eyes were bright, full of hope and life.

“There’s a chance..” Sam nodded surely of himself.

One of the things everyone noticed was that they were having two plans, the first one, on one hand, consisted in returning back in time, and going to different locations to take the stones and then getting everyone back. But the first plan was too risky. Nebula warned everyone that it was going to be impossible to get the soul stone without making a sacrifice, so, they all agreed for the worst, that it was basically in returning back in time but just at the right moment, way beforehand Thanos would’ve arrived in Wakanda. And then fighting side by side with the old version of themselves, and trying to get the soulstone from the great Titan’s gauntlet, use it against him and his army, and then returning the stones. And so it happened, it did slowly, but at least, it succeeded. The easy part was done, they had five of the six stones, and the only thing that was left was returning back to Wakanda. And Steve was not prepared. It was amusing and exciting. They were going to travel back in time, but still, he was not prepared at least not just yet. He was afraid that anything could possibly go wrong, but he would still try. For her, for everyone. One of their biggest fears, was that the old version of themselves wouldn’t accept or understand the situation, but surprisingly it did. It was weird, and it was so easy to guess who was who, because of how grown they already looked in comparison with the five year older version of themselves.Tony and Bruce bothered in explaining as many times, and as with many examples as were possible, their plan to win.

“But how’s Tony here? Where were you, when we were here?” The younger Steve said, then of sudden while staring at Stark in complete confusion.

“In a space donut, trying to control a teenager, having arguments with a magician and trying not to get hit by a moon. Thanks for asking.” Tony added to Rogers’ question, making him frown, being even more confused than before.

“Thanos has no idea that we have planned this... We have the stones, from a completely different timeline. The only thing we need to do, is to take his infinity gauntlet off his hand.” Natasha explained, her words clear as water.

“But you've seen it. He’s huge!” Bruce from the past added this time. His voice sounded altered and nervous.

“That’s my position. I’ll be wearing the infinity gauntlet with the stones we got, so it can be easier for us to win.” Carol told them of sudden making the old versions of themselves, to gaze at her. “I can do it on my own, but it’s better if he’s already distracted.”

That was the last thing that was said, after a big tremor made the building in which they were in, to shake because of the constant vibrations of the ground. It has already started. Proxima Midnight was there, wanting for them to open the floodgates. And so it would happen at some point.

It all happened the same way as it did in the past, or at least it happened. Steve has promised to himself that he wasn’t going to talk with Y/n but not himself, and so he did explain him and made it clear that he should be aware of it, and stop her in time, so he then should go instead of her to Thanos.

“Save her, before he tries to save you.” That was the last thing, Steve ever told him directly. Which left him in complete shock, being specifically, in complete silence. His chin lowered while wondering why would she do it, so. And then he remembered that he would do it for her, because he loves her, and he would prefer to save her than seeing her in pain. He loved her, fondly, and so did she.

The battle went normal, meanwhile the whole team from the past, we’re fighting against Proxima’s army, the Avengers were all placed separately around the whole place. Meanwhile, Carol was waiting for anyone’s signal to then appear. But although they seemed prepared, they were frightened and not so ready after all.

Everyone looked to their right and to their left repeatedly, but they didn’t know when he would appear. But once Steve started to hear his own voice behind him, he knew it was time. The story was respecting itself, but this time they needed to do the right thing.

“On my position, Danvers.” Steve’s hoarse voice sounded through Captain Marvel’s transmission-earpod

“Copy that.” She added, flying straight towards where they were.

But not until Thanos would appear and then approach, she would make a move.

Suddenly, the leaves up in the trees started to slightly move, with the delicate yet suspicious breeze from the other time.

“He‘s approaching.” Sam warned, sounding again through everyone’s transmission-earpods

And he wasn’t mistaken. A sudden purpleish portal appeared from the mere nothing. And when he was already having stepping the ground with his big feet, and was able to see who were going to be the very first victims which he was going to attack, the great Titan noticed that something was wrong and that it didn’t make sense that he was beholding. There was a second copy of almost everyone, and he then wondered if it was a magician trick, such as the one, Doctor Strange did on Titan.

“What the hell?” Thanos mumbled, a confused yet concerning frown marked on his face.

“Now.” Steve told, making the great Titan raise one of his eyebrows incredulity, while both his eyes narrowed.

And then, when he least expected it, everyone stared to distract him. To then Danvers, making one of a glorious yet biggest of her entrances. She flew, straight up to him, making him almost fall.

Both her forearms, choking him from behind while the rest of the group helped her, Thor cut one of his arms off, which made the great Titan let out a rough scream full of pain. He was surrounded, no one could help him. And by seeing how scared he was acting, he deep down really thought that it was going to be his downfall. But then, a few creatures approached, making everyone to stop keeping him distracted to basically fight back.

It all happened so fast, meanwhile some of them still tried to keep him held, while the other half fought, Carol and Thor had a plan which anyone except from them, knew about. One Thanos was about to break free from them, Carol did free him, to then trying to get the infinity gauntlet from the person who was catching an eye on it.

“You. Give it back to me, now.” Thanos told, walking towards Y/n threateningly. The girl just looked at him in a mix of fear and insecurity, not actually knowing what would happen if she didn’t do anything to stop him. And so, she tried to. But, even before Thanos thought of acting, Steve came and went straight to help her just on the right moment, when Thanos was going to exactly blow her with his big armoured fist, changing the events of the future.

The soldier got himself in between, both his hands grabbing Thanos hand, stopping him from hitting her, but, then, him getting punched instead.

“Steve!” She screamed in horror, that he could possibly be dead, by how he fell to the floor. As much as she wanted to, she still stayed still for him, even when all she wanted to do at that moment, was to cup Steve’s face with both her bare hands, while she would caress not only the beard but the scar that was placed right up, in one of his cheekbones.

Everyone did notice about that whole scene, and so they tried to help her, while Wanda did kill all the aliens that wanted to approach. Thanos again, had her just right where she wanted her to be, and he could not wait but to kill her already. But Steve couldn’t let that happen, he was not going to give up. And it wasn’t even an option he wanted to choose. So, he raised one of his arms, while starting to run just straight forward to them. His heart beating way harder than ever before. And so it happened, and once he felt that his fingers touched the wooden material of the body of the big hammer, he ran even faster, and he then cut the Titan’s head in half, leaving everyone in complete shock. But she didn’t give a damn about the situation. She only cared for him, who was still unconscious, lying on the floor.

“Steve…-“ Y/n’s stuttered, her voice low and once her eyes gazed him, she then felt how her heart skipped a bit. She called for him, but he didn’t respond, not even move or make a sudden mumble, which concerned everybody.

The man that wasn’t from that time, kept his eyes locked on her and his own body on the ground, and he felt such as if he was watching a movie, a tragic one, in which the main protagonist did not have the chance to bloom as something else, although they both knew what their feelings for each other were. It was tragic, but also quite too poetic. He travelled back in time, he saved the world, his world, and the girl he loved the most. And even if there weren’t any chances for him to wake up, he was satisfied. But she was broken, a lump formed on the inside of her throat seconds after her feet tripped on the ground to then, bending on her knees to have him closer to her. Y/n glanced at him, she was having a face while she tried so hard to not to cry, but she then burst into tears, anyways.

Everyone looked at him, both his fists were tighten, while he could not help but to stare defeated. He did save her, but if she did lose him instead, he knew it would be her absolute downfall. No one could do anything, only wait. And so they did.

“If I don’t wake up, I’ll desapear, once we get back…” Steve murmured, his voice shy but clear. Making everyone to raise their faces to look straight at him. But when he was already mentally getting prepared to say goodbye, they all heard the button from Steve’s room sounding, letting everyone know that he woke up, after all.

“We should go, now. I’m ok. I woke up! Let’s go.” Steve sounded bossy and dry, a way for making them to follow him outside the building.

He was scared and feeling really insecure of what was probably going to happen, but he needed to leave. And so, he decided to press the button from his suit, not even caring or bothering about the possible consequences of that. He acted selfish, Steve knew it. But he felt pressured, and overwhelmed. He needed to go, leave that place. And so he did it without hesitation.

Once he arrived back to his current timeline, he then noticed that he didn’t end it up on the Avengers compound Base, such as he expected. Instead, he landed on grass. Having a confused frown formed on his face, he then turned on his feet and stared just behind him. There was a house, a little one. And he could not explain exactly why, but it made his heart jump. Then he understood what it could possibly be. Feeling the sudden urge to run, his feet trapped on the floor rapidly, to then approaching to the entry. He walked upstairs towards the door, his pulse getting faster every step he took.

“Y/n?” Steve asked unsure, his heart on his throat.

Suddenly some footsteps approached to the entry, and once he saw her reflection through the glass of the door, his eyes turned cristal. He wasn’t going to look back now, he couldn’t.

“You’re here.” She said, her words sounding soft and little, to then unlocking the door, and opening it for him.

He glanced, she looked way more beautiful than he remembered.

And it was at that moment when he took a step towards her. He placed both his hands on her cheeks, making her to raise her chin, to stare at him in the eyes.

“I missed y-“ Y/n was about to say, but Steve’s lips made her to shut her mouth abruptly.

“I love you.” Steve affirmed, just when their lips got separated, now making her smile. Suddenly, he heard some sounds, it was rapid but little. Footsteps approached fast, and then, he felt how someone grabbed him by one of his legs, making him to immediately lower his head, to look who it was. But once he did, his eyes widened in tears.

“Daddy!” The little boy said, his voice high pitched.

Steve looked at the boy and then to her, then he saw how she carried the one he thought it was his son and placed the boy from around three years old on her arms. Making him to see that she was wearing a shining golden ring on her finger... And it was at that precise moment when he remembered what Tony told him.

“Time is irrelevant in the quentum realm. And if we get the chance to deafest Thanos, will change the future, our timeline... Who knows? Maybe we return back home, and everything’s been changed to better.” Stark explained, unsure of himself while grabbing a water bottle from the fridge.

“...Or worse.” Steve added which made the other man to let out a sigh of tiredness.

The Steve who said that, would have never imagined to be so wrong, but happily, he were.

[hamliet]

Pain, Fear, Death, and God: Fyodor and Gogol as Two Halves of Kirillov

God is the pain of the fear of death. Whoever conquers pain and fear will himself become God.

-Alexei Kirillov, Demons

So remember how when I first read Bungou Stray Dogs I started screeching incoherently and turned those screeches into a somewhat-coherent meta on how Fyodor in BSD was modeled after Alexei Kirillov from Dostoyesvky’s Demons? 

Well, here’s the follow up.

As I said in my previous meta, Demons is (tied with Crime and Punishment) my favorite novel of all time, and Alexei Kirillov is my very favorite character of all time, in any fictional medium, ever. He’s a walking bundle of paradoxes, existential angst and stunning compassion. But Demons is not necessarily a popular novel by Dostoyevsky standards and so Kirillov, despite being written about by literary critics and Camus, is somewhat obscure. That Asagiri is so clearly inspired by his character is shocking and thrilling for me; I’m pinching myself. 

The tl;dr version of Kirillov is that his whole schtick is that he wants to kill himself to prove that he is free and thereby can escape. It’s far more nuanced and complex, as I’ll go into, but essentially both Gogol and Fyodor’s philosophies and goals reflect this.

Gogol does not want to kill Fyodor because he hates Fyodor; rather, it’s because Gogol and Fyodor are two halves of a whole. They are a paradox together, embodying Kirillov’s complexity. Like Kirillov, they are suicidal, because killing one of them is like killing themselves. To achieve their goals, they both need to die. 

Fyodor reminds Gogol that he is human and can connect; therefore, Gogol wants to kill him to assert his free will, as he views connections as a cage. Similarly, while we haven’t gotten much insight into Fyodor’s thoughts on Gogol, I think it’s highly likely Fyodor allowed Gogol to kill himself (he thought) because he clings to his beliefs at the expense of his (very much there) empathy, and it’s better for his goals if people who provoke his empathy die. Basically: Fyodor allowed Gogol to “die” not because he doesn’t care about him, but because he does. 

For a brief background: Demons itself is an allegory about how people who become consumed by their ideas become possessed by said ideas; thus, they become devils or demons. The actual title of the novel, Бесы, is difficult to translate, hence why it has three different titles in English: The Possessed, The Devils, and Demons. The word “Бесы” in Russian refers to the ones doing the possessing, which is why the latter two are generally considered to be more accurate translations of the title. In particular, the novel demonstrates the tragic consequences of Russian nihilism and singles out moral nihilism. (It’s also looked to as a rather eerie novel, because almost everything it wrote about happening in a--then fictional--political revolution is exactly what happened in Russia a few decades later.) 

As I wrote in my previous meta, Fyodor, like Kirillov, is “consumed” by his ideas, something Kirillov laments in Demons. Fyodor’s consumption with his ideals means that he is willing to sacrifice everything for his goals. Gogol, too, shares this trait. 

Where they differ is in motivations for their respective plans, motives they share with Kirillov. Kirillov’s master plan is to commit suicide for two reasons: firstly, that he has free will and will thereby inspire society to live freely, and secondly, because he sees life as nonsensically painful and thereby not worth living. The first reflects Gogol’s personal aims, and the second Fyodor’s.

Let’s discuss Kirillov and Fyodor first. Kirillov believes that mankind invented God (keep in mind the context this was written in; God=Russian Orthodox Christianity) to go on living because of the absurdity of life. 

Listen: this man was the highest on all the earth, he constituted what it was to live for. Without this man the whole planet with everything on it is--madness only. There has not been one like Him before or since, not ever, even to the point of miracle. This is the miracle, that there has not been and never will be such a one. And if so, if the laws of nature did not pity even This One, did not pity even their own miracle, but made Him, too, live amidst a lie and die for a lie, then the whole planet is a lie, and stands upon a lie and a stupid mockery. Then the very laws of the planet are a lie and a devil's vaudeville. Why live then, answer me, if you're a man.”

Fyodor's disgust for the world and determination to save it from the sin of abilities reflects this same attitude. Life is wrong, so it should cease to exist. Abilities are wrong, so everyone with one should cease to exist. The reason is, most likely, strongly based in how painful Fyodor’s ability has been for him.

Kirillov laments:

“God is necessary and so must exist… But I know He doesn’t and can’t… Surely you must understand that a man with two such ideas can’t go on living?”

...

“If there is no God, then I am God.”

If Kirillov is god, then he is the ultimate master of his fate. Kirillov is very aware of his own limits, and so he thinks this absurd and life pointless. 

That conversation continues (Kirillov’s responses are bolded):

“There, I could never understand that point of yours: why are you God?”

“If God exists, all is His will and from His will I cannot escape. If not, it’s all my will and I am bound to show self-will.”

“Self-will? But why are you bound?”

“Because all will has become mine. Can it be that no one in the whole planet, after making an end of God and believing in his own will, will dare to express his self-will on the most vital point? It’s like a beggar inheriting a fortune and being afraid of it and not daring to approach the bag of gold, thinking himself too weak to own it. I want to manifest my self-will. I may be the only one, but I’ll do it.”

This very much reflects Gogol: killing his high moral power (connection and empathy) through the man who identifies himself as a god (Fyodor) to prove his independence and freedom. 

But we’ve kind of already seen where this ends:

Gogol you’ve literally shown yourself terrified of dying (which Kirillov is as well). I know Gogol was likely acting in this scene, but given the themes of BSD and Gogol’s character, plus the fact that he did, in fact, choose not to die, I think this is likely somewhat reflective of his true feelings.  

But again, Kirillov asserts:

“I am awfully unhappy, for I’m awfully afraid. Terror is the curse of man.… But I will assert my will, I am bound to believe that I don’t believe. I will begin and will make an end of it and open the door, and will save. That’s the only thing that will save mankind and will re-create the next generation physically; for with his present physical nature man can’t get on without his former God, I believe. For three years I’ve been seeking for the attribute of my godhead and I’ve found it; the attribute of my godhead is self-will! That’s all I can do to prove in the highest point my independence and my new terrible freedom. For it is very terrible. I am killing myself to prove my independence and my new terrible freedom.”

As Gogol outlined, what disrupted his plans was Fyodor’s empathy for him, and his empathy for Fyodor. Their connection literally saved his life (hence I kind of doubt their connection will kill them in the end). He cannot die without killing that connection. 

Two things almost disrupt Kirillov’s plans. Firstly, and chiefly, it’s his empathy for others. Kirillov is noted to be a character who is extremely kind, good with children, and unafraid to risk himself to help others. When Kirillov finds out his friend betrayed him and is planning to use Kirillov’s suicide to get away with the murder of a third friend, Kirillov is horrified. He refuses to go through with his suicide at first, screaming in horror that his friend is dead and that he unwittingly enabled his killer to end his life. When he does ultimately go through with it, he states that it is because “I want to kill myself now: all are scoundrels.” He goes through with it because his human connections are failing. 

Even the novel’s most villainous character concludes “I agree” when Kirillov is called “good.” Kirillov will stop at nothing to help his friends, and he believes all people are good and will become good if they are just told they are. However, the tragic irony of this scene is that the person speaking to Kirillov--Nikolai Stavrogin--is very much a literary example of a psychopath. (Those of you who follow me know I don’t use that word lightly.) However, Stavrogin does not want to be this way; he wants to feel, he wants to be bothered by the terrible sins he’s committed. What he’s asking Kirillov, essentially, is to understand this and call him wrong for what he did, which absolutely no one does in the novel:

“Everything’s good.”

“Everything?”

“Everything. Man is unhappy because he doesn’t know he’s happy. It’s only that. That’s all, that’s all! If anyone finds out he’ll become happy at once...

“And if anyone dies of hunger, and if anyone insults and outrages the little girl, is that good?”

“Yes! ...They’re bad because they don’t know they’re good. When they find out, they won’t outrage a little girl. They’ll find out that they’re good and they’ll all become good, every one of them.”

“Here you’ve found it out, so have you become good then?”

“I am good.”

“That I agree with, though,” Stavrogin muttered, frowning.

“He who teaches that all are good will end the world.”

“He who taught it was crucified.”

“He will come, and his name will be the man-god.”

“The god-man?”

“The man-god. That’s the difference.”

Stavrogin’s examples are based on things he’s done. Kirillov isn’t aware of these deeds, but he does know his friend’s mind better than most of their other friends. The problem is that Kirillov refuses to truly act on this empathy, to accept that men can be scoundrels and good, because he wants what he believes (that all are good) to be so. Kirillov’s too consumed with his desire to end the world (hello Fyodor) to save mankind via proving himself free to actually use his empathy to help his friends. In fact, the murderer points out to Kirillov that if he’d focused more on his friend, he might have been able to prevent the murder. 

A similar attitude is reflected in Fyodor’s desire to destroy ability-users (i.e. end the world) and in his interactions with people. He doesn’t put his empathy into forming actual connections, and those he has he deliberately does not invest in (such as when he kills the kid in his introductory chapter). He kills ability users paradoxically because he cares about them and about other people. I wrote about it a bit in this meta here:

Fyodor... lives very much in a world of black and white. He makes Goncharov happy all the time, unable to experience pain or negative emotions. He believes all ability users are a sin and should be destroyed. He’s an idealist in a lot of ways, believing in absolutes (which is also a hallmark of a childish perspective...).  he wants to... force every single ability user to feel his pain (that their abilities are a sin) by wiping them out. In short, Fyodor wants empathy despite refusing to listen to the feelings of others. (He understands their feelings; he just chooses to emphasize his pain over theirs.) 

Unlike Kirillov, however, whose last scene is renowned as “the most harrowing in all of literature” (I can’t even describe it; it has to be read) I think there’s pretty good reason to hope that Fyodor and Gogol will not end up taking each other out. Because the thing about Kirillov, the reason his character resonates so much with me, is the second reason his plans are almost disrupted: it’s how desperately he wants to live. He just wants to know that his life matters. The way Kirillov expresses these desires is absurd in a lot of ways and certainly hyperbolic, but it’s a desire reflected in most of BSD’s characters, and in, well, a lot of us in real life, too. 

Empathy and genuine human connection are the greatest powers in BSD’s world, as we saw recently through Atsushi getting the location of the page from empathizing with Sigma by telling him what he most wanted to know: that he mattered. 

Sigma now knows, to an extent, that he matters. At least, he’s been told as much.  

Gogol states that Sigma is key to his plans succeeding: Sigma’s ability can tell him Fyodor’s ability, which will enable Gogol to kill Fyodor. Except... Sigma’s ability might just work in an way that cultivates empathy post-connection with Atsushi. If Sigma can trust that he matters, despite having been created by the page and having been abused and subjected to all manner of lies and exploitation, he might be key to Fyodor and Gogol’s conflict resolution rather than to them actually killing each other.

Fyodor matters despite having an ability that seems to make him unable to touch people--because he can touch people with his empathy. (His empathy is, of course, literally what draws Gogol to want to kill him.) Fyodor’s empathy with Gogol has already physically saved Gogol.

Gogol matters even if he is understood by someone, because empathy is a strength and not a weakness. Someone understanding him doesn’t make him matter less, and being bound by feelings isn’t actually a bad thing. His connection with Fyodor has already saved his life.

Both Fyodor and Gogol have now saved Sigma at some point. Sigma’s design, of course, is literally split with two different colored halves of his hair, indicating that the artist likely means to symbolize the clash of two halves (see: Q, who represents how soukoku (Dazai and Chuuya) are two halves of a whole in terms of their best and worst traits). However, they exist in one person, and Sigma seems reasonably stable for someone with his situation. 

Additionally, Fyodor and Gogol both are also somewhat modeled after Rodion Raskolnikov, the protagonist of Dostoyevsky’s Crime and Punishment, whose name literally means “split” in Russian. (Actually, Kirillov is very much a more internal, tragic version of Raskolnikov.) Like Kirillov, Raskolnikov is a paradox embodied: he’s stunningly empathetic and kind (rushing into a burning building to save orphans), but his philosophy is that it’s fine for him to kill others because he’s a “Napoleon” (special figure; “man-god,” to use Kirillov’s term). 

But what is split is ultimately made whole in Crime and Punishment. Raskolnikov meditates on the raising of Lazarus from the dead and essentially resurrects himself, redeems himself. 

I highly doubt Gogol and Fyodor’s story will end with them dead because:

It’s BSD and nobody stays dead unless you’re Oda or a red shirt; 

Gogol and Sigma have already served us fake-out deaths, so it’s a lot to ask your audience to buy another death from the same character (killing Fyodor is essentially Gogol killing himself);

them surviving and having Fitzgerald-esque redemption arcs very much fits with the themes of Dostoyevsky’s works and specifically with the book after which Fyodor’s ability is named;

resurrection seems to be a motif with everything involving Fyodor, from Cannibalism to this current arc.

[konako]

The language people use around Harper from HS has made it clear to me that a lot of people who say all the right feel good shit about Pride and Coming Out Day never actually gave one single second's thought to what it's actually *like* to be closeted, and what's actually so painful about it. It's *rarely* the fear, it's the self loathing, it's the situations it sends you into & the person you have to turn into to negotiate them. I'm horrified at how little understanding there is of that story-

(discussion about Happiest Season and coming out)

- It's just been so eye opening. People know all the right buzzwords, but they were never actually using any real empathy, there was never an effort to actually imagine the situation from anyone's POV. How did they think people were in the closet and yet somehow not lying to anyone or asking anyone else to? You can't. That's the awfulness of it, it makes you into someone who lies, and then has to lie to cover the lie, and it feels like you're hurting everyone to save yourself -

- I don't think the movie is as fault. People just never gave it any real thought at all. Now it's funny to out do each other on how shitty they can be about Harper, and they've no idea what they're telling other people and or revealing about themselves in the process, because like all the positive stuff they say around coming out, it was all just a thoughtless performance to each other, no actual compassion involved.

Yes, anon. Yes. I understand you. I’m with you.

Maybe I’m lucky, and I’ve been following the right kind of people, but here on my side of the dashboard, I didn’t see anyone trash-talking Harper (and by extent the people who relate to Harper). Neither did I see it on my twitter feed. But I believe they exist. Oh, that’s sad. I’m sad to think how many of them there are.

And that’s true! I think what people on the other side of this coming out discussion don’t realize is that, hey, it’s not just a movie, all right? There are people out there still in the closet, afraid of their family’s reaction, of their community’s reaction, of the consequences of it to their lives, their careers. You shame Harper, you shame all of them. 

And I’m surprised! I thought Harper was very sympathetic in her struggle, even if the movie tried very hard to turn her character around without warning, just to justify Abby’s frustration. Harper was checking in on Abby constantly. She was visibly worried. She felt bad for her, and the situation she put her in. She apologized and tried to be with her, whenever she could. 

And for a while I was there with Abby: uncomfortable (because that family is uncomfortable and because lying is uncomfortable), but nonetheless standing by Harper and doing whatever she needs done to survive the days. Harper needed the support. She didn’t need more judgement, more threats of leaving, more threats of losing love and acceptance and a home. She didn’t need Abby’s selfish anger, she was under enough pressure as it was.

And the story, I think at least in the beginning, tried to have us on Harper’s side, by showing us the intricacies of this family, and how not being perfect in their eyes rewards you with apathy, disgust, impatience and neglect: Jane was the example of that. “See, this is how Harper will be treated, if she comes out. See? That’s what’s adding to her fear. See? Her hesitation is rooted in palpable evidence.”

That’s again painfully true for many people in the closet! They pick up the clues that the family may be judgmental and react with prejudice, and they hide deeper, afraid that that’s going to be them eventually. How could Abby (and those who relate to Abby) live with that family for a couple a days, watch the interactions, experience the judgement and the toxic perfectionism first-hand, and not have any empathy for Harper? She grew up in the middle of that, that’s coded into her, that a big part of her fear! How can her partner, of all people, disregard the traumas and difficulties of her significant one, in her search for the ideal relationship? That’s selfish, imo.

I know the movie tried to get us on Abby’s side. I was a bit disappointed with how hard they tried. That scene with Harper waking up and, out of the blue, accusing Abby of keeping tabs on her and being smothering and shit? Manufactured drama, to make Harper look worse.

I’m not excusing what Harper did, throughout her life, in her desperation to keep her secret. She hurt Riley, she might have hurt a lot of other people. But she recognized this. She was eventually honest (or as honest as she could be), with her ex-boyfriend. She was trying. The girl was trying. And that was the point, at the end. You cannot be perfect. 

Anyways, sorry for rambling. I feel your frustration, anon. That sucks for us, as a community. And I hope those who are in Harper’s situation, or in the closet for any reason, don’t feel discouraged and ashamed even further. We understand your fear, we understand your struggle. Truly, take your time. <3 

[the-lupine-sojourner]

A Bond Not Easily Broken [Thorn Oakenshield/Elf!Reader]

Here is another request! This one is from @queenofmankind​ who is a very very sweet person and a joy to work with. :) I tried to include everything from our discussions, Queen! 

Anyway, this fic is loosely based on the song Gemini Feed by Banks. 

Alrighty! Let’s get into it! Please note that this is being put up with not much proofreading cus I’m tired lol. 

I do hope you guys enjoy it anyway! :) 

God Bless and Good Day!

~The Lupine Sojourner

You never would have thought it possible, but now there was no denying it. 

Your love, your One, was a surly, easily angered Dwarf King leading an attempt to reclaim Erebor from Smaug. 

The trouble was, he didn’t care about the fact that the pair of you were likely supposed to be as One being before Iluvatar. 

Thorin had been nothing but bad-tempered, gruff, and passive-aggressive toward you from the moment you’d joined the Company. 

Balin had told you Thorin held an old grudge against the elves for failing to come to the inhabitants of Erebor’s aid when Smaug forced them from their home.

While that was a tragic tale, seeing the way he acted toward you soon banished any empathy you had held for him. 

At first, he had the sense to at least grumble about you when you were on the other side of the camp where you could barely hear what he was saying, but within weeks he’d taken to insulting you and all elves to your face. 

You tried to fight fire with fire, but that only enraged him more, so you tried to give him a better impression of elves by being nice. 

You would set up his bedroll for him, make sure he got the first helping of the food, and fill his waterskin for him, among other things, but he’d only gruffly dismiss you with a ‘Thank you’ that was anything but sincere. 

At the peak of your frustration and anger at the dwarf leader, you’d turned to Balin, who’d been a boon, accepting your role in the Company (something of a negotiator/ambassador from Rivendell) with the good grace you’d hoped for from Thorin.

You and Balin had discussed the emerging bond between you and Thorin, and you asked him if he was aware of the bond. 

Balin shook his head. “If he is, and he likely is, he’s not going to be easy to win, lass. He feels he has been betrayed by Elves and his heart is hardened toward them.” That information helped you understand where Thorin’s attitude toward you came from, but it did nothing to ease your anger and frustration. 

You yourself had been orphaned at a young age when orcs and goblins had attacked a band of elves who’d been searching for a new place to settle. Lord Elrond had heard of the tragedy and offered you and the few other survivors sanctuary at Imladris.

Why could you rise above your past when Thorin drowned himself in it? Couldn’t Thorin see the damage he was inflicting on himself by continuing to hold on his grudge?

You soon decided that, since Thorin was not acknowledging you, you decided to get to know the others in the band, to various degrees of acceptance. 

Fili and Kili, Thorin’s nephews, were a charming pair, you found, and you felt at ease around them, often riding or walking beside them and talking about many different things. 

You would sometimes notice Thorin glaring at you and the boys from the head of the Company, but you didn’t understand why he was so opposed to you talking to his nephews and thus continued your friendship with them. 

And then, when you and the Dwarves had finally arrived at Erebor, it all came to a head. 

He became positively nasty, lashing out at any who dared question him, and to you he was downright harsh and cruel. 

No longer was he passive-aggressive; he was not hiding when he insulted you and your race. He even targeted you specifically more often, and his words were like knives in your heart. 

No amount of talking and pleading from you and the Company could snap Thorin out of his foul mood. 

Bilbo, that dear little Hobbit, had done his best to comfort you, but even he was dismayed at how intense this ‘Gold Sickness’ Balin spoke of gripped Thorin. 

That evening, after the gruff but honorable bowman from Laketown (Bard, wasn’t it?) had tried and failed to negotiate terms for honoring Thorin’s oath that ‘all would share in the wealth of the mountain’, Thorin was in the worst mood you had seen yet. 

It had been a foolish idea for you of all people to bring Thorin supper, but there you were. 

“Leave it there. Begone!” Thorin barks, nodding toward a table nearby. 

You set your jaw as you set the bowl down. “A simple ‘thank you’ would be appreciated.” You grumble without thinking. “Honestly, Thorin, I don’t know why you seem to hate me, but- -” 

“Did you not hear me?” Thorin growls, rudely interrupting you and stalking closer to you. “I said ‘begone’!” 

“I heard you. I am not leaving. You have no right to treat me the way you have, king or not!” You had suffered his ill will long enough. It was time to fight back. “I have tried to be gracious and give you time to adjust to my presence, but you have only grown worse! This mountain has driven you mad, Thorin. We’ve all noticed it. You are not yourself!” 

“And what do you know about me, wench?!” Thorin roars, eyes narrowed dangerously. 

“I know enough!” You retort hotly. “I know Fili and Kili admire you, though I can’t see why!” 

“Do not speak to me of my sister’s sons!” Thorin snaps, drawing away contemptuously. “The traitors.” he grits his teeth, whirling furiously on you, “I have seen the way you ingratiate yourself to them, and my company. Even the burglar has fallen to your charms. They shall soon see your true nature and break off your friendship, but at present they are still blind and foolish.” 

You back up a step. That...that had hurt more than you thought it would. “And just what, may I ask is my true nature, since you apparently know me so well?!” You demand, all pretense of control of yourself long gone. 

“You and your kin are all oath-breakers and cowards!” Thorin’s voice had risen in bitterness and fury, his eyes blazing with hatred. “Elves claim allegiance and swear fealty, but when the moment arrives for that oath to be fulfilled, you turn your back! You leave those you swore loyalty to suffering and in need!” 

“I’m from Rivendell, you asinine Dwarf!” Your voice, too, had become bitter and harsh, the bottled hurt and emotions now flooding out. “It was Thranduil’s decision whether or not to help you defeat Smaug! Given his previous battles against dragons, he elected not to risk his subjects to dragonfire and slaughter! You hold a grudge against Thranduil, and perhaps it has some merit, but you cannot extend that bitterness to all elves, and you know it!” 

“Elves are always the same! Lord Elrond claimed to know my grandfather, and yet no aid came from him when we had to forsake our home and flee!” 

“He was too far away to offer aid!” You counter, pointing out what you thought was obvious. 

But Thorin was too far entrenched in his anger to even notice you had spoken.

“The elves care for nothing beyond their affairs! Oathbreakers, every one of them!” 

“I have stood by my oath to offer my services, in case you have forgotten!” You thunder, unwilling to stand by and be insulted.

“For my gold, no doubt.” You shudder subtly at the way Thorin’s voice became something of a hiss, “You and Thranduil are so alike, only offering aid when it results in riches or favors. There is no true loyalty in elves.” 

The insult to your sense of loyalty, which you had always tried to uphold, was the final straw. 

You draw up to your full height, eyes filled with furious tears and hatred. You could no longer believe that Thorin was truly your One, your love. 

Fate must surely be mistaken. 

“Then you will not be surprised when I take my leave.” Your voice was icy, concealing the hurricane of hurt and fury beneath it as you spoke with forced calm. “From the moment I decided to travel with you, you have been nothing but cruel and filled with hatred toward me. I have stood it thus far, but no longer. Do battle with Thranduil and Bard if that is your desire. Be slaughtered with your entire Company. I no longer claim allegiance or affiliation with you, Thorin Oakenshield. I sever my ties to you and your company.” You turn on your heel before the tears fell, cursing him in Elvish inwardly though your treacherous heart was almost willing to turn back, to see what effect, if any, your words had on Thorin.

His guttural, enraged Khuzdul, which you assumed was his own curses to you, made up your mind for you and you stalked from the room, tears falling down your cheeks and sobs wracking your throat as you retrieve your belongings hastily, unable to bear staying in Erebor a moment longer. 

“Where are you going?” You jolt and spin to see who had spoken, the pack slipping with a dull thud to the floor. “You can’t just leave.” 

Poor Bilbo was standing there, confusion and hurt in his eyes. You embrace him. 

“You, Fili, Kili, and Balin were my only comfort on this venture, but I was wrong to leave Rivendell, I was wrong to think- -” You shudder at the thought of rejecting your one chance at love, but it had been made so painfully clear Thorin had rejected you first, so there was no hope for your happiness now. “I can’t stay.” You croak, voice half-strangled by a sob as more tears flow. “This place is torturous! I can’t stand it!” 

“Please don’t go.” Bilbo’s voice breaks what little was left of your heart after Thorin had shattered it. 

“Oh, Bilbo. I wish you the best of luck, but I cannot remain here. I cannot.” You lean down and retrieve your pack and the last few items, shoving them inside and securing the flap over the sack before slinging it onto your shoulders. “Please give my regards to the others.” With that, you string your bow across your shoulders and force yourself to leave without looking back, even though everything in you longed to find a way to stay, if only for Bilbo’s sake. 

=#=#=#=#=

You chose to sneak into Thranduil’s camp rather than simply walk in, not expecting to find Gandalf in the camp. 

You’d been passing Thranduil’s tent when you heard the wizard’s voice. 

From there, you wait til he emerges and ask to speak to Gandalf privately.

“I see things did not happen as I intended.” He muses sadly when you explain yourself. “I had hoped he could resist his petty prejudices and the Gold Sickness, but they were more persistent than I realized.” 

“What do you mean?” You ask. 

“Have you not felt the thread of fate connecting you to Thorin?” Gandalf asks. 

“Like a shackle.” You confess, tears brimming afresh at all the things Thorin had said and done in his rejection. “He has rejected it.” 

“I am not so certain, but that remains to be confirmed.” Gandalf comments shrewdly. “I am truly sorry you could not find happiness, [Y/N].” 

“I was a fool to think I could love him and he love me in return.” You were so exhausted from the day’s events you couldn’t bring yourself to feel much of anything anymore. Gandalf’s kind arm went around you as your eyes begin to drift closed. 

“Do not give up hope just yet, my dear. Thorin Oakenshield may surprise you yet.” Was the last thing you heard as sleep overtook you. 

=#=#=#=#=

The next morning was agony. 

Your heart, that treacherous organ which had been trod on and abused so harshly, yearned for the Company, and perhaps to continue attempting to get through to Thorin despite your words yesterday. 

You noted in despair that overnight the dwarves had barricaded the entrance, doubtless on Thorin’s orders, so any entrance to Erebor was now impossible unless Thorin wished it. 

The Company had foolishly shut the secret door once Smaug had left and now the only other entrance to Erebor was barricaded.

You couldn’t go back to the Company if you wanted to, now.

There was, perhaps, a part of you that had said the harsh words in the hopes that it would come as enough of a shock that Thorin would break free of the sickness that gripped him and beg you to stay.

You had hoped, should he have broken free at your words, that he’d become the dwarf Fili and Kili described from their childhood. 

That version of Thorin, surely, wouldn’t have treated a lady, much less his One, the way the present Thorin had. 

You hoped he might have gone after you, but it seemed Thorin was as cold and impassive as ever.

There were only two options in regards to the fragile bond between you and Thorin; you could either miraculously work it out and come to realize how happy you could make each other (highly unlikely) or you could sever the bond and live without the feeling of being with your One the rest of your very, very long life and perhaps even in the Grey Havens, should you be premitted to journey there.

When the thought of snapping the bond occured to you, you paled, clutching your aching heart. It seemed even now your heart clung to hope in Thorin, but you couldn’t see why.

But still, perhaps your heart knew things you did not, so you decided to wait it out, refusing to sever your one chance at love.

=#=#=#=#=

In the course of the day, things took an ill turn when it was revealed that the Arkenstone had been delivered to Bard and Thranduil as a bargaining chip for the promised gold. 

Thorin, if it were possible, grew even more foul tempered, demanding the return of Arkenstone and vowing death to those who held it. 

His eyes then glared over the army of elves and fishermen gathered before Erebor, and somehow he spotted you standing in the first few ranks of elves, unable to help yourself. 

He grew so livid you thought for sure he would explode from the sheer force of his anger. He cursed you and all elves so thoroughly, tears sprang to your eyes. 

“I was right about you!” Thorin roars, “Oathbreaker! Coward! Traitor!” He heaped insults in english and Khuzdul onto your head in utter contempt and fury as you stood shaking. 

It’s then something happened that turned the tide of events yet again. 

Bilbo spoke up. “I gave it to them.” Is all he said. “Leave Y/N out of this.” 

Your heart clenches as the dwarf king’s fury and wrath were unleashed on the poor Hobbit. 

Bilbo bravely stood his ground, berating Thorin for being so cold and cruel to you, and the company, and remarking that the dwarf he had met at his house would never have acted this way. 

That was the final straw, Thorin declaring that Bilbo should be thrown from the ramparts. 

You squeak in horror, tense seconds creeping by as no one moves to execute the unthinkable command. 

Thorin then grabs Bilbo and prepares to carry out his own orders, Bilbo leaning precariously out over the edge when Gandalf materializes next to you, magic increasing his voice’s volume as he strides forward. 

“If you don’t like my bulgar, please do not damage him! Return him to me.” The wizard’s presence seems to shock Thorin enough that Bilbo slips away unheeded. The dwarves tug Bilbo to the side and attach a rope to the wall, sending Bilbo down to Gandalf before Thorin could remember his wrath at the unfortunate Hobbit. 

As Gandalf remarks at how poor Thorin’s performance as King Under the Mountain was, Bilbo races toward the wizard and you, who had stepped up to offer comfort to your friend after what had just happened. 

Bilbo buried his face in your abdomen in fright, shaken at nearly being killed by a dwarf he had called friend. 

Once you had clung to the hope that, given time, Thorin’s heart would soften toward you and he would accept you as his One.

Now...that hope had withered near to the point of death. Soon enough, it would succumb to the bitter venom Thorin had unleashed on you and it would die and you both would forever live with no other lover, no other person that you could love like your One. 

Then, as tension rose higher still, an army of dwarves arrived, with a particularly rowdy dwarf at the head. As Thranduil ordered his army to face the newcomers, Gandalf explained that the rowdy dwarf was Thorin’s cousin, Dain, Lord of the Iron Hills. 

And that, of the two dwarves, Thorin was the more reasonable.

You swore under your breath. There was absolutely no chance of peace now.

After a brief skirmish that quickly turned into war between Thranduil’s army and the dwarves’, there arose out of the earth a monstrous creature Gandalf called a ‘wereworm’, a nasty thing that ate earth greedily and left a tunnel in its wake. 

It disappeared to continue it’s feast, and from the exit in the tunnel emerged a grotesque army of Orcs, some of which rode large evil wargs toward the dwarves and elves, who had stopped fighting in shock at this turn of events. 

The battle was grim and gory and all around you was pain and death until the sound of a bell tolling out offered a brief respite. It came from the mountain and out of the hole the bell had made in the barricade came Thorin and his Company, charging the army of Orcs as the remainder of the Dwarf army regrouped around the King. 

The battle continued on and, though you fought as well as you could, you knew it was only a matter of time til you were overcome. 

Then you saw Thorin and a select few others (Dwalin, Fili, and Kili) riding toward Ravenhill, where the Orcs’ commander was stationed. 

Shortly after that, despite your misgivings, you find a mount on the strange goats the dwarves rode and take off after them. 

If the dwarves had not cleared the way, you would never have made it. 

You watch as Thorin searches for the orc commander in vain. You stayed back, having left your mount at a distance so you could come upon the group stealthily. 

You had no idea how Thorin would receive you, and you didn’t want to find out yet.

The orc commander (or so you assumed) then appeared, just as the group was preparing to retrieve Fili and Kili from the tower they’d been scouting, the large orc dragging Fili by the hair. 

Your heart was pounding as you grab an arrow in your quiver. Sighting along the shaft, you released it swiftly. The arrow sunk into the orc’s chest, near the shoulder, not where you wanted, but it was enough that Fili was released to drop a worrying distance. 

Luckily, Fili was able to survive, with a few minor injuries, by rolling. You sent another arrow into the commander during the chaos you created. This time, the arrow sank into the orc’s throat, and he gurgled, then fell. 

That had the desired effect; the orcs retreated, dragging the body of their leader behind them. You jog out to meet the others and find Thorin staring at you as if you were a ghost. 

You pressed forward, unwilling to stay and see what reaction he would have next as you race to find Kili. Fili was searching too and you soon found him. 

You brought the boys back to the others, who embraced them and were generally thrilled to see the dwarf princes alive and well. 

“I thought you disavowed yourself from myself and my company.” Thorin’s voice was shocked, but not angry, coming from behind you. Your heart hammered as you make yourself slowly spin. 

“I...saw you ride up here. Something came over me. I’m not sure what.” You explain, unsure how to take his reaction. The orcs were still retreating, and behind you you see the large eagles that had borne you from the orcs after your escape from Goblin Town arrive and make quick work of the orcs before they could regroup and decide to attack again. 

You were suddenly free to talk further with Thorin, or leave. 

For some reason, your feet refused to move. You felt rooted to the spot. 

“I owe you my gratitude and sincerest apologies.” He murmurs softly, more softly than he had ever spoken to you. You take a step back. This was a new side of Thorin and you weren’t sure how to proceed. “You saved my sister-son. But, the way I treated you within Erebor and at the gate this morning...it disgusts me to recall.” You know he means it but...there’s a part of you that tortures you with the thought that this isn’t real.

“It wasn’t entirely you in Erebor. That gold...the sickness…” You're unsure what you’re saying, but Thorin sighs heavily, head hanging in what might be shame. You weren’t sure. 

“Aye, the sickness was there, but many resisted. Had I been stronger, I would never have yielded to the sickness. That, and I owe you still more apologies for my actions and words toward you along our road here. I have never once treated you as you deserve, and for that I am forever ashamed of myself.” 

“Thorin…” You can’t help wanting to comfort him as he bares himself to you. 

The others retreated, offering you and Thorin what privacy they could. 

“No, please, Y/N, let me finish.” Thorin mumbles, genuinely contrite. “I have always strove to be an honorable dwarf, respectable, a worthy leader of my people.” 

One of the things I admire about you, you muse inwardly. 

“Mahal knows I’ve made a fool of myself many times, and failed to uphold the standard I wished to achieve. I refused to see the reason in the elve’s actions after Smaug came, allowing myself to be consumed by bitterness and hatred for far too long. I unleashed that bitterness and prejudice on you and I can never make amends for it.” He slowly takes a step forward. 

Your heart begged you to embrace him, but your mind, still hurting from all the terrible curses and words Thorin had hurled at you, bade you stay where you were.

“If you would allow me to start anew, I should like to regain your trust and show you the way dwarves display their love.” His hand slowly reaches for yours and you can’t find it in you to resist. 

You even allow him to lay a gentle, feather-like kiss on your knuckles, your skin prickling pleasantly at the sensation. 

This was all you wanted, to love and be loved. 

“...I think...I think I would like that, Thorin Oakenshield.”

[linkspooky]

The Characters of Nisiosin (1)

Trickster - Kumagawa 

Nisioisin is a prolific writer famous for the many distinct characters he creates, and writes with a unique sort of empathy that lets them be their weird and crazy selves without judgement. Okay, with plenty of judgment. This is the start of a new series I’ve been working on which analyzes some of the common themes that appears in Nisioisin’s works with more depth, as Nisioisin is the type who reuses, and recontextualizes old ideas a lot. 

The first thing we’re going to be taking a look at is Nisioisin’s take on the Trickster type character with Kumagawa. I’ll be doing Deishuu Kaiki, and Ii (Boku) to follow up. 

 A. Defining the Trickster. 

Before we determine what a Trickster is we have to define what an Archetype is when it comes to character writing. 

In theory, Jungian archetypes refer to unclear underlying forms or the archetypes-as-such from which emerge images and motifs such as the mother, the child, the trickster, and the flood among others. History, culture and personal context shape these manifest representations thereby giving them their specific content. These images and motifs are more precisely called archetypal images.

In other words they are ideas and images that reoccur in stories all around the world. For example a character like Loki has several things in common with the christian idea of satan even though they come from two different mythologies, both subvert the ‘father-figure’ king of their respective heavens, and both are responsible for kickstarting the chain of events that lead to the apocalypse scenario in both religions. 

Archetypes are characters that follow certain pre-determined patterns we all recognize. Luke Skywalker is what most people would recognize as the hero of the story, Obi-Wan Kenobi is the mentor, just by thinking of ‘hero’ and ‘mentor’ you already have a pre-conceived idea of how the character is going to act in the story. This is a good guideline for analyzing the similiarities between the characters Nisioisin uses in his works. 

The Trickster, Jung says, is an aspect of the shadow archetype, at least in its negative traits (see "On the Psychology of the Trickster-Figure".  Examples of the trickster are Satan, Loki, etc.)

The shadow is an archetype that consists of the sex and life instincts. The shadow exists as part of the unconscious mind and is composed of repressed ideas, weaknesses, desires, instincts, and shortcomings.

If the Hero is what everyone thinks a good guy is, then the Shadow is playfully the opposite of they. They are what everyone thinks a good guy isn’t. They represent the repressed aspect of our minds, and exist to call into question the common order. 

The trickster, obviously, deceives, often playfully, sometimes painfully.     The Fool is a shadow figure distressed by some unconscious lack of power, often driven by greed or an inordinate desire for fame (all archetypes), who projects his or her inadequacies against scapegoats as described above.  The Fool is not always negative, of course.  A relatively benevolent form of the fool is the Clown, who is more aware of his or her trickster aspect, perhaps, than is the fool.  [Source.]

The trickster is what the hero is not. They are the shadow the hero casts. While the hero’s domain is the light, the trickster often works in the dark, behind the scenes sneaking around in the shadows. The hero is often straightforward, the shadow deceives and obfuscates. The hero is conventional and the trickster unconventional. 

In mythology, and in the study of folklore and religion, a trickster is a character in a story (god, goddess, spirit, human, or anthropomorphisation), which exhibits a great degree of intellect or secret knowledge, and uses it to play tricks or otherwise disobey normal rules and conventional behaviour.  he trickster crosses and often breaks both physical and societal rules. Tricksters "...violate principles of social and natural order, playfully disrupting normal life and then re-establishing it on a new basis."

[SOURCE.]

To simplify there are four rules I am going to set as reoccuring in Nisioisin’s use of the Trickster Archetype: 

Introduced as a Villain

Subverts Expectations

Lying, Liar who Lies

Inherent themes of Nihilism

1. Introduced as a Villain

Appearances can be deceiving. It is the trickster’s goal to deceive your expectations, and in that they subvert the natural order. In most stories the hero is good and the villain is bad. Straightforward so far, yes? Nothing is straightforward when a trickster is involved. Kumagawa Misogi is someone who is introduced and built up as the ultimate enemy of Kurokami Medaka. A girl with a noble goal of trying to make everyone happy. Therefore anyone who opposes her would have to be ignoble, right?

Kurokami Medaka brings out the best in people, and Kumagawa Misogi brings out the worst. That is the simple, black and white comparison that we’re given between the two of them at the start of the manga. 

Kumagawa is so inhuman when we first meet him that for the first 52 chapters of the manga, when other characters refer to him and as he’s built up as an antagonist his face is always obscured. He’s not even seen as human in the eyes of others.

However, this simple idea is subverted by the manga itself. Medaka and Kumagawa are compared not as opposites but rather as complemtnary forces who not only have several things in common with one another, but also play into each other. 

Kumagawa is someone who can uniquely understand Medaka’s point of view in a way other people cannot. He’s not someone who opposes Medaka, but rather someone set up to oppose her. Kumagawa is not only aware to some extent that Medaka is the hero of the story, but he’s chosen to make himself the villain. 

2. Subverts Expectations

The entire point of Kumagawa’s arc is that even the absolute scariest types of people the minus, aren’t true villains of the story, even when they don’t want to be sympathized with, even when they don’t want to be saved, they are deep downs still people. 

Kumagawa’s arc intentionally sets up the idea that some characters are natural villains who don’t want to be saved, only to subvert that idea in the end. Tricksters are subversive, they exist to flip standard notions of good and evil, black and white ideas on their head. They are transversive, once they have played their role in the story it is impossible to think of things the same way again. 

Kumagawa is a character who exists to subvert what we call traditionally binary opposites. That is ideas that we think oppose each other. Winners and losers, strength and weakness, talented and untalented, all of these ideas tie strongly into Kumagawa’s character.

Ajimu brings up Kumagawa’s bitterness towards the status quo. The people who are happy are the ones who are currently in power. They are the ones who are able to work hard, they are the ones who are able to have friends, they are the ones who always win in the end. 

Kumagawa’s original goal is to flip those ideas on their head. To show that even people who are outside the power structure, outsiders like him, are able to have friends, to work hard, and to win. 

By doing this he subverts the natural order and turns it around. This is what comes to a head in his fight with Medaka. Usually it would be the winner is the strongest, but the idea is flipped in that fight it’s proven the one who loses more and climbs their way back up is the strongest one.

There is strength in weakness and weakness in strength and these ideas never play in the straightforward ways we think they will. That’s why Kumagawa who identifies as weaker than anyone else, is able to easily subvert the balance of power tip it in his favor and overcome strong people. 

3. Lying, Liar who Lies

Basically Kumagawa lies as compulsively.. He says everything in [brackets like this] and it's like always speaking and using airquotes after everything you say. It makes everything he says sound completely insincere. It’s also a pun for ‘To Show Off’ meaning he exaggerates everything he says in order to look cool. 

Kumagawa will just blantantly lie at times for no reason other than to lie. One of his habits is to claim things aren't his fault when they obviously are. His introduction is screwing everyone to a wall, and then standing there covered in their blood go [I'm not the one who did this, it's not my fault.] His introduction is him rattling off lies mainly to confuse people and make himself impossible to read. 

The key word is once again these expectations. The trickster uses lies as a mean of controlling the expectations of others, playing around with them and he gains some measure of power over this. A trickster is often not very traditionally powerful and has to rely on his wits to get by. 

Kumagawa's life is pure chaos and basically everything ever will go wrong for him, so he tells lies to have some kind of illusion of control over that chaos. People who see life as a story do so to give themselves agency, to trick themsleves into believing they’re the ones telling that story. 

Kumagawa pretending that the world is a manga, gives him the illusion that he can read, and anticipate the world like he would a weekly shonen jump manga. When in reality the world is what it’s always been, complete chaos. Kumagawa tells himself that lie to obfuscate himself because he finds safety in those lies, in no one knowing who he truly is. 

He finds his identity in those lies, which is why he intentionally plays the role of the villain when he could be a hero. Kumagawa will lie about his identity, first to be a bad victim, to be an ugly victim, he pretends these things have value because it's all he has. He only has negative experience of the world and the trauma he’s asquired so far and that’s what he finds familiarity in. Kumagawa finds identity in being the world's biggest loser. 

4. Themes of Nihilism

Kumagawa is a character who directly confronts Medaka’s assertion that she was ‘born for a reason’, by asserting the opposite. That there’s no goal in life, no point to being alive, and therefore humans are born for no reason. 

While that seems like a wholly negative statement at first, the point of Nihilism is to question established ideas and power structures. It’s to dismantle what we are told matters, and what we are told has meaning and instead come to understand our own meaning. 

If Medaka is an existence desperately trying to give meaning to life, then Kumagawa is trying to reject the assertion that life has meaning. It’s understandable why. The values that are said to hold true for everybody else have never once held true for Kumagawa. If you work hard you’ll win. Bad people are the only ones that suffer. If you ask for help you’ll get saved. Kumagawa has witnessed all those things he is told should be true about the world proven as falsehoods, and because of that his response is one of rebellion against the order. 

Nihilism is a step on the way to existentialism. 

In the most basic terms possible it's like. Rejection of societal meanings and values that you are told about -> Rejecting everything which leads to moral nihilism (nothing has meaning boo hoo) -> Realization that if everything is just made up value you can make up your own, and that you're not freed from society's obligations and can pursue what you want (sunglasses nihilism, party time).

Kumagawa as a character is firmly in the middle step. He’s a character who rejects everything, because he finds his identity in his rebellion against traditionally held notions. 

Kumagawa is a character trying to reject what everyone else tells him is meaningful, and instead trying to create his own meaning. He’s trying to find the positives in a life that’s literally nothing but suffering. That’s the point of his whole complex about minuses, that people who have everything go wrong for them still have a reason to smile. 

 Basically Kumagawa's philosophy becomes, if I can endure all of this and still keep on laughing and smiling, then you can too. Even living the worst life possible where you can't accmplish a single thing, and can't amount to anything, you can still find something to laugh and smile about.

It’s a philosophy unique to him, and one that he could only come to by challenging the established norm. Not only does Kumagawa’s nihilism help the minuses, but he also ends up helping Medaka herself as she’s the one who has to let go of the ‘reason that she was born’.

Just like Kumagawa, Medaka has to go and seek out her own reason. As in the end the two of them as a pair, hero and villain, are not opposites but rather two sides of the same coin. They are complentary forces that contain parts of each other. 

They are both ultimately, whether trickster or hero, very human characters. The roles in the story they play only serve to flesh out their humanity. Which is another theme in Nisioisin’s writing, but we’ll continue that in the next posts. 

[the-rolling-libero]

Here are some thoughts on MAG 184, with a large helping of Very Obvious allegory, vaguely connected images, and a dash of ant communsim.

this isn't the first time we've been ants in the face of the powers, and my feeling that we're supposed to be coming back to this image of helplessness, of ignorance of the full picture, is reinforced by this line:

which is referencing the idea central to the anthill image, that we can’t fully understand the powers, even as we glimpse them-- that our conceptualizations of them are a bit fundamentally ‘bull’. And ofc we have this bit, which is pretty explicit-- but it changes the meaning of the whole thing.

Not only are we seeing the anthill metaphor brought back and reminding us of humanity's ignorance in the face of the powers, but I would argue this line turns Leto's experience into an allegory for the avatars-- specifically, Jon.

If the ants are taken as human, Leto is placed above them as the stand in for the fears. This is the natural way of the apocalypse-scape, where the avatars are more than ever invested with real, tangible power over the general population. If we are ants, Avatars are the new kid with a kettle come to burn us away through the various domains of the apocalypse. But Leto isn't trying to kill the ants. He's trying to reduce all the harm he can-- but of course, he can't help but be what he is (what he’s been made by his placement in the anthill?).

This is not the behavior of the Avatars that we know-- none, of course, bar our good friend Jonathan Sims, of I’m-Doing-My-Best Fame. It's been a prevailing thread through his journey that he's tried to reduce all the harm he can-- sometimes poorly, sometimes incompletely-- but if you don't see Jon in "he holds his arms in close and tries not to move" idk what podcast you've been listening to.

Further, the way that Leto's experience as an “Avatar” in this passage is related repeatedly to Knowing.

Though there's a twist of corruption in there, this absolute knowledge, their senses attuned, connected as one-- this is where Jon is now, connected inexorably to every single person in the hellscape. He can see their thoughts, truly know them in every way. And of course there's this bad boy:

He can feel them and considers their fear and their pain; not exactly the absolute empathy that Jon is going through, but a state of heightened awareness that I would argue still connects with Jon’s experience. This is who Jon is at this moment; Leto is standing in for Jon. And I would be far from the first person to note the similarities of Jordan to Martin, with his quest for the Queen.

The endings for our two characters leave me thinking about the sort of ending a tragedy like tma might have-- the sort of ending they're leading us to expect, at least, with this episode.

For Jon: overwhelmed by his inability to act without destruction, trying to save people incapable of saving themselves, perhaps even tortured specifically by them (bc how else are we supposed to understand him being constantly aware of all the pain in a world ruled by fear?)

and for Martin, a bit longer--

Leaving the other behind on a quest that he knows, deep down, to be futile, defined and condemned by the hope that carries him on.

The fact that Jordan is chosen to become an Avatar of the eye by forces he cannot control in the end is also an interesting little tidbit hint for Martin-- maybe a divergence? A choice he’s currently facing, the two paths of torturer and tortured that he’s been refusing to really choose between the whole time? I don’t think this episode is showing us the future-- that would be a more obvious hand than the writers tend to play. I think it’s showing us some possibilities, setting up expectations for what ‘endings’ in this hellscape look like. I sure hope there’s a third option-- but Magnus Archives so far has been a story about no decision being right, a game you can’t win. It would take a fundamental upheaval of the whole system to change things.

In regards to that, I think there's something to the idea that since the ants are actually the avatars in this situation, despite the metaphor going the other way, the narrative might be hinting at the possibility of people subsuming the fears into themselves, maybe eventually toppling the powers (or simply changing them). Is there anything to this reversal, or is it just the device we need for the episode to work?

Really makes you think! :^)

[ichosepoorly]

White Person to White Person

C’mon in here gang. Let’s have a little chat about what all this noise is about. 

America.

What a time we’re having.

There is room for growth here. Perhaps there should be mandatory growth of empathy and change that needs to be respected and considered if you want to step outside yourself and think about where we, as a country, have failed. Maybe just consider it as that’s an unenforceable demand.

We have all failed. I certainly have failed more times than I can even fathom or truly comprehend but I am learning and learning and learning to be better in the ways that I can.  But we as a society have failed to keep true to the very heart of justice. The term “Bad Apples” keeps getting lobbed around in a context that means “Not All Cops” but perhaps you remember how that idiom ends? “One bad apple ruins the bunch”? We have failed. 

The police have failed.

This is not a controversial statement and not one that should elicit a knee jerk reaction to defend them.I know we have been programmed to do so. But let’s look at it objectively. The police have failed and are continuing to fail in their use of unnecessary force and the targeting of people of color.

 If every branch of the tree has rot at it’s core then one or two “Good apples” cannot stand a chance (or to be allowed to by perhaps the Boss Bad Apple I don’t know how apple trees work) make the change that’s needed. Are there good people on the police force? Probably? I hope so since I have family members who are police. Are they stopping their fellow officers from being violent against people who are “innocent until proven guilty” as is their creed? Maybe they are. But this isn’t about them. This is about the lack of accountability for these actions that has been ever present in “the force”.  But gee willikers if it hasn’t been front and center lately. You can’t deny that. Or... hey maybe you can. Conspiracy theories are flooding out of the White House faster than empty bottles of instant tanner so maybe it’s easy to listen to them than see what’s out there. And it is out there. You don’t have to look far to find it. Maybe you should. Look up at the very least what the police have done to peaceful protesters and children.  First Amendment Rights are being smashed in the public eye and that’s the bare minimum of what you should be mad about. It’s easy not to look for them. It’s hard to look at them. And that’s how you know it’s important.

Defunding the police sounds like a scary prospect. But can you look around you? Look behind you and look within you. Is what we have now working? It’s not. Clearly it’s not. It is a broken system. Is it really justice if it only applies to people that look like you? You can’t expect something broken to work and then get mad at the idea of it getting repaired or even replaced in a new way. If you slap another bandage on a severed arm that sucker’s still gonna be severed. What we have been doing, what has been done, is not working. We need change. It’s uncomfortable to see these things and be aware of these things and feel like everything is falling apart. But the foundation has already cracked. You grieve the illusion that was, because it’s what you knew. What you know. But this discomfort is a daily reality for so many people before these past two weeks. 

Think about that. 

Think about the unease and the anger you feel right now. Every eye roll or angry tweet you start to type and delete. Think about how many people have died at the hands of a broken system that have just been swept under the rug. Imagine being that angry at the people who are opposing you and the rights you think are at stake... and think about that. Think about how that feels and shift your mental mirror to the mother of Trayvon Martin, Sybrina Fulton, who is now running for office in Florida (and Lord I hope she wins). Think about the world she’s lived in since her son was shot in cold blood for buying Sprite and Skittles and being a 17 year old black man. Think about the children of George Floyd who’s father’s life cost as much to the four men who murdered him as a counterfeit twenty dollar bill. His life was worth less than twenty dollars to these men. Breonna Taylor’s life was worth even less to the plain clothes police who broke into her home without announcing themselves and shot her when her boyfriend attempted to protect them from what he assumed (and rightly so) were armed intruders. Think about the reality where this happens on your street, where people you love are killed by the men and women who are supposed to protect them and it’s not on every channel on the news. Think about that.  Because it is reality. Because it happens more than any of us have ever heard and that’s the problem. If not for cameras on each of our phones and social media would we even hear a peep about George Floyd’s death? I think we both know the answer.

The system is broken.

Defunding the police means more money will go towards patching the holes in a broken system. Education and housing? Yes? Those need more money we can agree? Good. Getting people well who currently do not have the resources to do so? Gosh that sounds like a good place to drop some money to me! Maybe Defunding sounds like “Disbanding” to you. Which isn’t the case. At least not everywhere. If the answer isn’t defunding the police, there’s really only one way to find out isn’t there? Then think about the “I told you so” you can shout in my face like my Uncle at Thanksgiving if it fails. But... again... what we have? It’s broken.

You say “Let's arrest and hold accountable cops who abuse their power in any way, shape, or form toward any citizen they're bound to protect.” and you’re right which is the fundamental failing in the system but no one is arguing that the victims of the crime with lighter skin tones should be denied justice. This is about the continual and targeted attacks of POC of a system that does not respect them, that does not treat them as they would a white person. You cannot deny that you see the patterns here. If “Black Lives Matter” makes you think that none others do then that’s a heck of a mirror into your own failings my friend and I tell you that in kindness. Justice for a continually abused and wronged group of people rising up again and again and again and again and again asking us to consider their suffering and loss on par with ours, that they matter as much as our own should not offend you. It should knock you back on your heels and make you wonder how the ever livin’ heck we let this go. How we didn’t hear them before. How we haven’t done more. How even trying  to offer them a “You absolutely matter!” can set people off about how a profession is just as important as or even more important than human life.  Listen to what they’re saying.

Not. Me. 

I hate even writing this because mine is not the voice that needs to be heard right now. But I cannot ignore that it fell across my lap and not address it. 

White person to white person.

Sit down and listen.

Listen.

Listen. 

LISTEN.

Listen to the people in pain. Listen to the people who are screaming in droves in every state (EVERY STATE if that isn’t amazing I don’t know what is we can’t even agree what to call a deli sandwich of a certain length. (it’s a sub. I will fight you) ). Listen to the people who are mad as hell and suffering. Listen to them and learn. For every life that has been lost to get here please just listen and learn.

Black Lives Matter.

Let’s show them we agree.

[didanawisgi]

Anatomy of a Sheepdog

Book Excerpt; Grossman, D., with Christensen, L., On Combat: The Psychology and Physiology of Deadly Conflict in War and in Peace, WSG Research Publications, 2004.

​Reprinted countless times. Feel free to distribute as long as you attribute Lt. Col. Dave Grossman as the author and that it is an excerpt from his book, On Combat.

On Sheep, Wolves and Sheepdogs (From the book, On Combat, by Lt. Col. Dave Grossman)

“Honor never grows old, and honor rejoices the heart of age. It does so because honor is, finally, about defending those noble and worthy things that deserve defending, even if it comes at a high cost. In our time, that may mean social disapproval, public scorn, hardship, persecution, or as always, even death itself. The question remains: What is worth defending? What is worth dying for? What is worth living for?” - William J. Bennett In a lecture to the United States Naval Academy November 24, 1997

“One Vietnam veteran, an old retired colonel, once said this to me: “Most of the people in our society are sheep. They are kind, gentle, productive creatures who can only hurt one another by accident.” This is true. Remember, the murder rate is six per 100,000 per year, and the aggravated assault rate is four per 1,000 per year. What this means is that the vast majority of Americans are not inclined to hurt one another. Some estimates say that two million Americans are victims of violent crimes every year, a tragic, staggering number, perhaps an all-time record rate of violent crime. But there are almost 300 million Americans, which means that the odds of being a victim of violent crime is considerably less than one in a hundred on any given year. Furthermore, since many violent crimes are committed by repeat offenders, the actual number of violent citizens is considerably less than two million. Thus there is a paradox, and we must grasp both ends of the situation: We may well be in the most violent times in history, but violence is still remarkably rare. This is because most citizens are kind, decent people who are not capable of hurting each other, except by accident or under extreme provocation. They are sheep. I mean nothing negative by calling them sheep. To me it is like the pretty, blue robin’s egg. Inside it is soft and gooey but someday it will grow into something wonderful. But the egg cannot survive without its hard blue shell. Police officers, soldiers and other warriors are like that shell, and someday the civilization they protect will grow into something wonderful. For now, though, they need warriors to protect them from the predators. “Then there are the wolves,” the old war veteran said, “and the wolves feed on the sheep without mercy.” Do you believe there are wolves out there who will feed on the flock without mercy? You better believe it. There are evil men in this world and they are capable of evil deeds. The moment you forget that or pretend it is not so, you become a sheep. There is no safety in denial. “Then there are sheepdogs,” he went on, “and I’m a sheepdog. I live to protect the flock and confront the wolf.” Or, as a sign in one California law enforcement agency put it, “We intimidate those who intimidate others.” If you have no capacity for violence then you are a healthy productive citizen: a sheep. If you have a capacity for violence and no empathy for your fellow citizens, then you have defined an aggressive sociopath–a wolf. But what if you have a capacity for violence, and a deep love for your fellow citizens? Then you are a sheepdog, a warrior, someone who is walking the hero’s path. Someone who can walk into the heart of darkness, into the universal human phobia, and walk out unscathed. The gift of aggression

“What goes on around you… compares little with what goes on inside you.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Everyone has been given a gift in life. Some people have a gift for science and some have a flair for art. And warriors have been given the gift of aggression. They would no more misuse this gift than a doctor would misuse his healing arts, but they yearn for the opportunity to use their gift to help others. These people, the ones who have been blessed with the gift of aggression and a love for others, are our sheepdogs. These are our warriors. One career police officer wrote to me about this after attending one of my Bulletproof Mind training sessions: “I want to say thank you for finally shedding some light on why it is that I can do what I do. I always knew why I did it. I love my [citizens], even the bad ones, and had a talent that I could return to my community. I just couldn’t put my finger on why I could wade through the chaos, the gore, the sadness, if given a chance try to make it all better, and walk right out the other side.” Let me expand on this old soldier’s excellent model of the sheep, wolves, and sheepdogs. We know that the sheep live in denial; that is what makes them sheep. They do not want to believe that there is evil in the world. They can accept the fact that fires can happen, which is why they want fire extinguishers, fire sprinklers, fire alarms and fire exits throughout their kids’ schools. But many of them are outraged at the idea of putting an armed police officer in their kid’s school. Our children are dozens of times more likely to be killed, and thousands of times more likely to be seriously injured, by school violence than by school fires, but the sheep’s only response to the possibility of violence is denial. The idea of someone coming to kill or harm their children is just too hard, so they choose the path of denial. The sheep generally do not like the sheepdog. He looks a lot like the wolf. He has fangs and the capacity for violence. The difference, though, is that the sheepdog must not, cannot and will not ever harm the sheep. Any sheepdog who intentionally harms the lowliest little lamb will be punished and removed. The world cannot work any other way, at least not in a representative democracy or a republic such as ours. Still, the sheepdog disturbs the sheep. He is a constant reminder that there are wolves in the land. They would prefer that he didn’t tell them where to go, or give them traffic tickets, or stand at the ready in our airports in camouflage fatigues holding an M-16. The sheep would much rather have the sheepdog cash in his fangs, spray paint himself white, and go, “Baa.” Until the wolf shows up. Then the entire flock tries desperately to hide behind one lonely sheepdog. As Kipling said in his poem about “Tommy” the British soldier:

While it’s Tommy this, an’ Tommy that, an’ “Tommy, fall be'ind,” But it’s “Please to walk in front, sir,” when there’s trouble in the wind, There’s trouble in the wind, my boys, there’s trouble in the wind, O it’s “Please to walk in front, sir,” when there’s trouble in the wind.

The students, the victims, at Columbine High School were big, tough high school students, and under ordinary circumstances they would not have had the time of day for a police officer. They were not bad kids; they just had nothing to say to a cop. When the school was under attack, however, and SWAT teams were clearing the rooms and hallways, the officers had to physically peel those clinging, sobbing kids off of them. This is how the little lambs feel about their sheepdog when the wolf is at the door. Look at what happened after September 11, 2001, when the wolf pounded hard on the door. Remember how America, more than ever before, felt differently about their law enforcement officers and military personnel? Remember how many times you heard the word hero? Understand that there is nothing morally superior about being a sheepdog; it is just what you choose to be. Also understand that a sheepdog is a funny critter: He is always sniffing around out on the perimeter, checking the breeze, barking at things that go bump in the night, and yearning for a righteous battle. That is, the young sheepdogs yearn for a righteous battle. The old sheepdogs are a little older and wiser, but they move to the sound of the guns when needed right along with the young ones. Here is how the sheep and the sheepdog think differently. The sheep pretend the wolf will never come, but the sheepdog lives for that day. After the attacks on September 11, 2001, most of the sheep, that is, most citizens in America said, “Thank God I wasn’t on one of those planes.” The sheepdogs, the warriors, said, “Dear God, I wish I could have been on one of those planes. Maybe I could have made a difference.” When you are truly transformed into a warrior and have truly invested yourself into warriorhood, you want to be there. You want to be able to make a difference. While there is nothing morally superior about the sheepdog, the warrior, he does have one real advantage. Only one. He is able to survive and thrive in an environment that destroys 98 percent of the population. There was research conducted a few years ago with individuals convicted of violent crimes. These cons were in prison for serious, predatory acts of violence: assaults, murders and killing law enforcement officers. The vast majority said that they specifically targeted victims by body language: slumped walk, passive behavior and lack of awareness. They chose their victims like big cats do in Africa, when they select one out of the herd that is least able to protect itself. However, when there were cues given by potential victims that indicated they would not go easily, the cons said that they would walk away. If the cons sensed that the target was a “counter-predator,” that is, a sheepdog, they would leave him alone unless there was no other choice but to engage. One police officer told me that he rode a commuter train to work each day. One day, as was his usual, he was standing in the crowded car, dressed in blue jeans, T-shirt and jacket, holding onto a pole and reading a paperback. At one of the stops, two street toughs boarded, shouting and cursing and doing every obnoxious thing possible to intimidate the other riders. The officer continued to read his book, though he kept a watchful eye on the two punks as they strolled along the aisle making comments to female passengers, and banging shoulders with men as they passed. As they approached the officer, he lowered his novel and made eye contact with them. “You got a problem, man?” one of the IQ-challenged punks asked. “You think you’re tough, or somethin’?” the other asked, obviously offended that this one was not shirking away from them. “As a matter of fact, I am tough,” the officer said, calmly and with a steady gaze. The two looked at him for a long moment, and then without saying a word, turned and moved back down the aisle to continue their taunting of the other passengers, the sheep. Some people may be destined to be sheep and others might be genetically primed to be wolves or sheepdogs. But I believe that most people can choose which one they want to be, and I’m proud to say that more and more Americans are choosing to become sheepdogs. Seven months after the attack on September 11, 2001, Todd Beamer was honored in his hometown of Cranbury, New Jersey. Todd, as you recall, was the man on Flight 93 over Pennsylvania who called on his cell phone to alert an operator from United Airlines about the hijacking. When he learned of the other three passenger planes that had been used as weapons, Todd dropped his phone and uttered the words, “Let’s roll,” which authorities believe was a signal to the other passengers to confront the terrorist hijackers. In one hour, a transformation occurred among the passengers–athletes, business people and parents–from sheep to sheepdogs and together they fought the wolves, ultimately saving an unknown number of lives on the ground. “Do you have any idea how hard it would be to live with yourself after that?”

“There is no safety for honest men except by believing all possible evil of evil men.” - Edmund Burke Reflections on the Revolution in France

Here is the point I like to emphasize, especially to the thousands of police officers and soldiers I speak to each year. In nature the sheep, real sheep, are born as sheep. Sheepdogs are born that way, and so are wolves. They didn’t have a choice. But you are not a critter. As a human being, you can be whatever you want to be. It is a conscious, moral decision.

If you want to be a sheep, then you can be a sheep and that is okay, but you must understand the price you pay. When the wolf comes, you and your loved ones are going to die if there is not a sheepdog there to protect you. If you want to be a wolf, you can be one, but the sheepdogs are going to hunt you down and you will never have rest, safety, trust or love. But if you want to be a sheepdog and walk the warrior’s path, then you must make a conscious and moral decision every day to dedicate, equip and prepare yourself to thrive in that toxic, corrosive moment when the wolf comes knocking at the door. For example, many officers carry their weapons in church. They are well concealed in ankle holsters, shoulder holsters or inside-the-belt holsters tucked into the small of their backs. Anytime you go to some form of religious service, there is a very good chance that a police officer in your congregation is carrying. You will never know if there is such an individual in your place of worship, until the wolf appears to slaughter you and your loved ones. I was training a group of police officers in Texas, and during the break, one officer asked his friend if he carried his weapon in church. The other cop replied, “I will never be caught without my gun in church.” I asked why he felt so strongly about this, and he told me about a police officer he knew who was at a church massacre in Ft. Worth, Texas, in 1999. In that incident, a mentally deranged individual came into the church and opened fire, gunning down 14 people. He said that officer believed he could have saved every life that day if he had been carrying his gun. His own son was shot, and all he could do was throw himself on the boy’s body and wait to die. That cop looked me in the eye and said, “Do you have any idea how hard it would be to live with yourself after that?” Some individuals would be horrified if they knew this police officer was carrying a weapon in church. They might call him paranoid and would probably scorn him. Yet these same individuals would be enraged and would call for “heads to roll” if they found out that the airbags in their cars were defective, or that the fire extinguisher and fire sprinklers in their kids’ school did not work. They can accept the fact that fires and traffic accidents can happen and that there must be safeguards against them. Their only response to the wolf, though, is denial, and all too often their response to the sheepdog is scorn and disdain. But the sheepdog quietly asks himself, “Do you have any idea how hard it would be to live with yourself if your loved ones were attacked and killed, and you had to stand there helplessly because you were unprepared for that day?” The warrior must cleanse denial from his thinking. Coach Bob Lindsey, a renowned law enforcement trainer, says that warriors must practice “when/then” thinking, not “if/when.” Instead of saying,“If it happens then I will take action,” the warrior says, “When it happens then I will be ready.” It is denial that turns people into sheep. Sheep are psychologically destroyed by combat because their only defense is denial, which is counterproductive and destructive, resulting in fear, helplessness and horror when the wolf shows up. Denial kills you twice. It kills you once, at your moment of truth when you are not physically prepared: You didn’t bring your gun; you didn’t train. Your only defense was wishful thinking. Hope is not a strategy. Denial kills you a second time because even if you do physically survive, you are psychologically shattered by fear, helplessness, horror and shame at your moment of truth. Chuck Yeager, the famous test pilot and first man to fly faster than the speed of sound, says that he knew he could die. There was no denial for him. He did not allow himself the luxury of denial. This acceptance of reality can cause fear, but it is a healthy, controlled fear that will keep you alive:

“I was always afraid of dying. Always. It was my fear that made me learn everything I could about my airplane and my emergency equipment, and kept me flying respectful of my machine and always alert in the cockpit.” - Brigadier General Chuck Yeager Yeager, An Autobiography

Gavin de Becker puts it like this in Fear Less, his superb post-9/11 book, which should be required reading for anyone trying to come to terms with our current world situation:

“..denial can be seductive, but it has an insidious side effect. For all the peace of mind deniers think they get by saying it isn’t so, the fall they take when faced with new violence is all the more unsettling. Denial is a save-now-pay-later scheme, a contract written entirely in small print, for in the long run, the denying person knows the truth on some level.”

And so the warrior must strive to confront denial in all aspects of his life, and prepare himself for the day when evil comes. If you are a warrior who is legally authorized to carry a weapon and you step outside without that weapon, then you become a sheep, pretending that the bad man will not come today. No one can be “on” 24/7 for a lifetime. Everyone needs down time. But if you are authorized to carry a weapon, and you walk outside without it, just take a deep breath, and say this to yourself… “Baa.” This business of being a sheep or a sheepdog is not a yes-no dichotomy. It is not an all-or-nothing, either-or choice. It is a matter of degrees, a continuum. On one end is an abject, head-in-the-grass sheep and on the other end is the ultimate warrior. Few people exist completely on one end or the other. Most of us live somewhere in between. Since 9-11 almost everyone in America took a step up that continuum, away from denial. The sheep took a few steps toward accepting and appreciating their warriors, and the warriors started taking their job more seriously. The degree to which you move up that continuum, away from sheephood and denial, is the degree to which you and your loved ones will survive, physically and psychologically at your moment of truth.”

[priorireverte]

This is the admin application for LILY POTTER. Please note that there is not the expectations that all applications been this long; I am aware that this is somewhat excessive.

OUT OF CHARACTER:

NAME & PRONOUNS: Emmy, she/her

TIMEZONE: Pacific Standard Time

ACTIVITY LEVEL: On the dash daily, aims for two long paragraph posts a week.

ANYTHING ELSE: Hoping to have a lot of fun!

CHARACTER DETAILS:

NAME: Lily Ruth Evans

BIRTHDATE: January 30th, 1960

GENDER, PRONOUNS, and SEXUALITY: Female, she/her, Panromantic, Heterosexual

BLOOD STATUS: Muggleborn

HOUSE ALUMNI: Gryffindor

OCCUPATION: Returned, no employment yet (Unemployed before death as well)

FACECLAIM: Sophie Skelton

CHARACTER BACKGROUND:

POSTBELLUM:

Finding herself in a world where twenty years have passed by without her would be hard enough. Catching up on world events, figuring out how technology has changed (at least the Wixen world is somewhat stagnant on that front, something she never thought she’d be grateful for), learning the story of the war that followed after her. Then there is the struggle of grappling with how the baby boy who she’d help in her arms not so long ago was now a full grown man who hardly needs a mother anymore. In some ways, having so many lost friends coming back with her is a comfort. At least she isn’t alone in that.

Yet on top of all that is having been dumped into this new world from the thick of the war. The expectations of peace pair ill with her extreme caution and jittery unease. So many expect her to be fine, when she’d not had any time to truly mourn all of those she lost—a list that is only longer now, with James, Sirius, and Peter all gone. (Peter, another subject she’s broken her heart on that people want her to be au fait with; she still cannot understand it.) Lily has only just begun to heal while so many around her are years, if not decades, ahead of her.

PERSONALITY:

As someone who is at her best when connected to people, Lily strives to ensure the comfort and happiness of all those around her. Her empathetic nature thrives off of that happiness, and she struggles to be comfortable and at peace when she knows others aren’t. That connection to other people can sometimes slip into dangerous territory when she starts defining herself by those relationships. It leaves her open to taking on their woes as her own, overburdening herself, as well as putting her in a position where being pushed away or having her help refused can deeply damage her sense of self-worth, depending on how close she is to a person.

Of course, having come of age in the middle of a war she has had to grapple with not being able to help or be there for everyone. It has worn Lily down, damaged the cheerfully optimistic outlook of her childhood, leaving her calloused, a bit jaded, and thoroughly exhausted with trying to be hopeful. She has had to become more careful with her inner self and what she gives away.

Her sense of closeness with someone is a large factor with Lily for the simple reason that there aren’t a huge number of people who she is really close with. While always a friendly, welcoming person, she has never had a great many actual friends; people she would confide in, lean on for support, turn to for the sort of help she so readily offers others. Thus the few she has are a big deal, and she clings to them, because she knows what it is to lose those precious few. As much as that steadfast loyalty is a defense against the outside world, it leaves her innerly vulnerable to the faults she overlooks in those loved ones. They slip past her judgment, and she will make excuses for them, justify their actions even against her own moral instinct, to a very far limit. That too is something the war has strained, with mere existence pushing her towards those limits, let alone having to grapple with the less savory parts of her friends.

It would be easy to think that Lily, by virtue of being ‘the pretty one’ in the family, was blessed with not having to concern herself with her appearance. In one way at least, that is true; she isn’t concerned with her hair or her face, doesn’t spend time fretting over the less than easy things to change. Yet she grew up in a bored factory town, where everyone knew everyone and appearances mattered within the strict hierarchy built around the factory company. What you wore, how you behaved: these things were taken as reflecting on the family as a whole. Don’t talk back to the child of your father’s superior, that will get you in trouble! Let the foreman’s wife take the last eggs at the grocery, lest your husband lose a shift at work.

That awareness of what other people think and perceive only sharpened for Lily at Hogwarts, under the constant scrutiny a Muggleborn endures. It took her a long time to be able to break free of trying to earn that approval of her peers by being the best, well behaved, friendly person she could be in the eyes of others. That approval, being well liked, keeping things genial and going smoothly is something she craved until she was forced to realize it simply isn’t feasible because of who she is, unless she wanted to sacrifice a large part of who she is. Lily had to grow up and let go of a lot of her insecurities, and build a defensive shield around the others, as a matter of survival.

With that awareness of perceptions and the judgments that come with it, it has to be said that Lily applies different standards to herself than she does other people. She values her actions, what she does, over what she says. Perhaps because she is aware of her flaw of not always thinking before speaking. Yet with others, she tries so hard to take them at their word, believe that shows their true intent over what actions they take. She wants to believe people, trust in them, adhere to her idea that people are good.

This is why, in part, she turned a blind eye to Severus Snape’s questionable actions for so long. He would explain himself, manage to make it sound not so bad, and Lily would discard her judgment because he didn’t mean to do bad, he told her as much! And she knew him, deep down.

Understandably, that instinct to take words at surface value has been scorched and damaged. She's wary, cautious of doing so, but oh, how she wishes she could once more. Instead, she has had to become more realistic in her estimations of people.

A desire to believe people innately tend towards goodness does not mean Lily is free of judgment. She can, and does, scrutinize people and weigh what they say and do and judge the goodness of that for herself. Her empathy doesn’t always extend to others that she sees as being in direct conflict to her morals and ideals and goals, and that leaves her open to dismiss people out of hand for those differences. Granted, a lot of that is tied to her ideals being forged in the fire of a life as a Muggleborn, of an existence of constantly being attacked. It leads to her stubbornly digging her heels in at a challenge, to get defensive rather than hear another side out when she’s already preemptively passed judgment based on what she thinks she sees.

One of the worst ways these critical evaluations can surface is in her deep rooted capacity for envy and jealousy. Regardless of whether it is because she believes she deserves the thing she is envious of or thinks herself unworthy of it, getting a handle on the streak of irrationality and pettiness that can erupt from her when faced with self-discontentment is something she struggles with. Partly because she would prefer to pretend it doesn’t exist. Everything is justified, even in the depths of those irrationalities. Lily would never even think of herself as a jealous person.

BRIEF OVERVIEW OF FAMILY:

While the Evans may have fallen in the middle class of Cokeworth, that placed them only at the upper edge of poor in the larger scheme of society. A shift manager might be someone in the hierarchy of a small factory town, but meant very little outside of it. Lily grew up with that dichotomy of existence, always aware of that dual standing, of the expectations and visibility. It was something she deeply internalized and operates on her subtly, never so much a conscious influence, but powerful all the same.

The Evans were a warm, close, essentially good family. They were helpful to their neighbors, went to church, were charitable. They didn’t really think twice about Lily’s friendship with a boy from the ‘wrong side of the tracks’; it was only Petunia who worried about these things that would only be a source of concern for the parental Evans if the pair had been older. Of course, by then Lily and Severus were beyond the pale, wondrous others. In many ways, Jonathan and Fiona Evans stopped trying to parent their younger daughter once they knew she was a witch. How could they impose morals on their daughter who half-inhabited a world they knew nothing about, and were frankly in awe of? To be fair, they took a largely equal laissez-faire attitude towards their older daughter once she reached teenagedom as well. Thankfully they’d instilled a sturdy moral foundation and compass in their daughter, so she could largely self-regulate through their passive parenting.

HISTORY:

Despite Jonathan Evans' job as a shift manager at the factory Cokeworth was build around setting the Evans family solidly in the middle of the town's society, in truth they were bottom of middle class at best, the difference between the poor floor workers and the managers amplified a thousand times over by the small snobberies and strict social hierarchy of a small factory town. That didn't make the family any less of a happy one. Jonathan working long hours while Fiona stayed home to raise their two daughters. Petunia, the elder, was perpetually trailed by her shadow that took the form of her younger sister Lily, who adored and idolized her big sister. It wasn't a life without stresses, but they got by, even as work slowed, workers got laid off, tensions in the town rose, and strange things started happening around little Lily. It was the last thing that concerned the Evans' the most, unsure of what was happening and what it would mean for their daughter, scared of what would happen if others found out. Petunia, picking up on this in the way children do, no matter how oblivious their parents consider them, encouraged Lily to refrain from such strangeness, trying to suppress and hide all those odd things, like the garden blooming two months early or a tantrum causing cookie floating out of the jar to waiting hands.

The relief from those worries came from an odd place; a grubby little boy from the other, wrong side of town. Severus Snape opened up another world to Lily, one where what she did wasn't cause for concern or anxiety, but something that made her remarkable and special. As those bursts of uncontrolled, unwanted abnormality dwindled, only Petunia seemed to not be won over by him. Lily, though, adored him; he became not just her guide to that mystical other place, but her best friend, someone with whom she planned a thousand wonderful futures with.

None of those plans approached the tarnished reality she was soon present with. From day one, things were different than she'd thought they would be. While to her, being sorted into a different house from her best friend didn't seem something to be concerned over, it quickly became clear to her that plenty thought otherwise. Always eager to please, Lily threw herself into being the best she could, becoming someone pointed to as the model of an ideal Muggleborn. Yet nothing she did was ever enough for this world she had dreamt of for so long to accept her. Something had to give.

All those tension gave way on a sunny day after her final OWL. With one word, Lily realized the futility of her efforts. Her dearest friendship shattered, she was left hurt, lost, broken and unsure of herself.

In the subsequent year, because life must carry on, Lily re-evaluated and reflected on everything her life had been built upon. No longer allowing herself to be define by what others wanted her to be, Lily reconsidered so many of her hard held ideas. Old opinions shifted and new friendships formed—most notably and remarkably with James Potter, who she'd so long damned as nothing more than an arrogant prat.

Seventh year ended and instead of finding her life beginning, Lily ground to a standstill. Unable to find a job, for no one wanted the liability of hiring a Muggleborn, she followed James and their friends into the Order, despite, or perhaps because, of the small number of Muggleborns in their ranks. She could no longer run from the war that she had found herself in the middle of as a young girl.

Lily lost and won and mourned and celebrated; she lived more in a few short years than anyone should ever have to. In the midst of such unfettered living, accidents were bound to happen. Finding she was pregnant, Lily and James decided to get married; the only way to live, after all, was without hesitation for there might not be a tomorrow. All too soon, that fact was brought to bear on the young family. A threat against baby Harry forced them into hiding; an imperfect solution. Not even eighteen months old and Harry Potter was orphaned, Lily's life sacrificed for the son she loved more than anything in the world.

OOC EXPLORATION:

WHAT ARE YOU MOST LOOKING FORWARD TO? The concept of this game is one that has been near to my heart for a long, long time, and I’m very excited to bring it to the tumblr rp community!

ANYTHING ELSE? I’m not clever enough for pinterest boards or spotify playlists. That’s what blogs are for, and I’ve got a few with years worth of writing Lily on them. (Which is also why this app is so excessively long)

[robert-c]

Reconciliation

I started this blog, and especially its political content, with the idea that there were mostly good people on both sides and that (with the exception of a small group of extremists) most of us could agree on the kind of country we wanted, even if we disagreed on the best way to get there.

It was my hope that by careful exposition of facts and logical development of philosophy that I might have a part in pointing us all that way. While that is still the end result I believe in, one where sensible debate over the facts can be had to determine the best path forward; I’m no longer confident it is something I will see happen.

The strident, at times even violent, way in which defenders of this president behave, despite his attacks on the separation of powers, the truth, and anyone who disagrees with him, have made me doubt the good will and the ability to reason of his core supporters.

I’ve tried to understand how they feel alienated and left out of the world. Such feelings surely feed the sense of victimhood and even betrayal they feel. But my empathy is blunted by the nature of their loss. It seems the loss is that their casual use of racial and ethnic slurs, and presumption that their religious beliefs could and should be imposed on others is no longer commonly and quietly accepted.

I’ve tried to relate to the idea that their lack of education has left them particularly vulnerable in an economy that is both more technical and knowledge based than the days of sweat and muscle. I can feel for them, because as a boy who was more brain than brawn, I felt left out. Brains were all I had to deal with a world where “manhandling” machines and athletic prowess was considered the basic requirements for success as a man. Nevertheless, none of us can deny or resist these changes, any more than people could, or would have wanted to, resist the emergence of factories mass producing goods that were cheaper and therefor available to more people. Those factories put many small craftsmen out of business, but that is just what happens when we move from buggy whip makers to auto mechanics. I wish I had the wisdom to find an answer that was easy and acceptable to them.

Likewise I’m disappointed in some on the extreme Left. While I agree with most of the end results they’d like to see, giving in to violence only provides the Right with exactly what they need. I know there are reliable cases of Right wing groups or individuals fomenting violence that would appear to have come from the Left. I’m even willing to believe that there is more of that behavior than we know. Nevertheless, as understandable as the outrage is, giving in to violence only validates the Right’s lies. Fear, and especially fear of violence and anarchy, is one of the main things that holds them together and attracts support for their methods. In times and places at least as bad, if not worse, Dr. King managed to eschew violence and retain both the moral high ground as well as force the racist reactionaries to reveal their true selves.

Learning, growing and changing are the constants in life. Attempting to stop it is both ultimately futile, and destructively suicidal. I’m sorry if that is hard work, but life has always been hard. Our ancient ancestors knew this, and making our creature comforts easier to obtain doesn’t change the basic truth of it.

Things cannot remain the same, and that is just a fact of Nature. The emotional and religious attachment to the idea that they can, only makes the destructive nature of this next change more inevitable.

The United States of America was founded with a flaw, an inherent contradiction, in her existence – slavery. It took almost a hundred years and a devastating war to end it and set us on a path to live up to our ideals – a path we have not yet completely followed. The adamant stands of those defending this president make me fear that another civil war is inevitable. The rights of people of color, as well as those of any sexual or religious preference, are at stake here and I just don’t see any sort of compromise that could be acceptable to that core group.

Some say that the American Civil War wasn’t about slavery. They claim that it was all about the Constitutional question of States Rights and the different cultures of the north and south. That’s at least partly true; there was a culture clash, because southern culture was all about an entire way of life that depended on and was sustained by slavery.  

But here is the point I hope we can all understand. I don’t believe that anyone in either the North or the South would have preferred to have the death and destruction the Civil War brought, versus some other solution. The egos and absolutism of the South forced the solution into a literal life or death conflict for the country and hundreds of thousands of people.

The horror of a new civil war is that it won’t be state against state, it will more likely be neighborhood against neighborhood. And that doesn’t leave many, if any, safe places to flee. The model for this kind of civil war isn’t the 1860’s, it’s modern day Syria and Jordan. Fueled by individual fanatics, instead of governmental chains of command there is virtually no way to stop it, to receive a surrender that is respected by all parties.

I remain committed to the defeat of this wannabe tyrant, but I fear that his hardest core of truly deplorable, racist supporters will not go quietly back under the rocks that they have crawled out from. The energizing and validating of their points of view have given them a peek at power they previously could only dream about.

That means it is up to the rest of us, who may not completely agree on policies or programs, to oppose their agenda because it would eliminate dissent, liberty and the due process of our republic. Only an overwhelming defeat of their candidate and his ideas might convince them that they have no chance of taking over.

In the 2016 election many people voted for Trump without expectation he would win, or even without much approval of his platform. It was a protest vote, a message that they wanted to shake things up a little. Well things have been shaken up. Now it is time to vote for Biden, even if you aren’t completely on board with his ideas. Like before when you were voting against “business as usual”, now you must be voting against Trump and Trumpism, or you may not get a vote again.

My pledge is that if Biden is elected I will continue to write in this blog about how we can find solutions together; the reasonable group of conservatives and progressives.