#I’m so desperate to explain
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Damn.

Ok so backstory
First: shadow.
Shadow was a freak of nature. The result of an affair between a hedgehog and lizard mobian (cross-breeding is very frowned upon) and as a result his father was executed and his mother was exiled from the kingdom.
Shadow was left abandoned on the street by the time he was 3. He was found by the Maria and taken in. Maria was a commoner, owning a fabric shop. She treated Shadow like a younger brother, letting him help around the store. However, eventually, the king caught onto the fact that Maria was housing a hybrid, and sent his guard to capture them both.
The two spent weeks stuck in the dungeon, starving and suffering. The king noticed Shadow’s attachment to Maria, and took advantage of it. The king began to not feed them at all, and only allowing them food if Shadow agreed to use his hybrid capabilities in order to wipe out the ‘criminal’ population of the city (aka anyone who disobeys the king or the ring system)
To this day, The king uses Maria as leverage whenever shadow steps out of line, and keeps her in an unhealthy situation, giving her just enough food and water to survive but not enough to remain healthy. Shadow despises this, and is planning to free Maria and himself (yup, you guessed it. This won’t end well…)
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Now: Amy
Amy was a normal mobian, living with her mother, father, and little brother.
They were really happy, that was until her father was revealed to be cheating on her mother with a Noblewoman. Once found out, Amy’s father ran away with their life savings. Distressed, Amy’s mother spiraled into a deep depression, resulting in her losing her job. Amy’s mother did her best to provide for her children. However, Amy’s little brother died from starvation.
Despite their loss, Amy’s mother continued to try her hardest. Amy grew up on scraps, but became extremely close to her mother.
Later on Amy became a merchant so her mother could finally rest. Unfortunately, Amy’s mother became ill, and Amy had to resort to stealing and scamming to pay for the ridiculous medical fees.
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And that’s all!!! Lemme know if you guys wanna see the design for Maria, or Amy’s family!
#panic’s incoherent ramblings#doodles#knights rambles#sonic’s incoherent ramblings#sonic doodles#amy rose#shadow the hedgehog#tails and the blue genie#sonic au#sonic genie au#backstory#infodump#PLEASE ASK ME QUESTIONS!!!! 🙏🙏🙏#I’m so desperate to explain#please my dudes in the audience#this took a while#😢😢😢
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today i’m offering you pre/Stanford Sam sketches🤲🏽🌸 tomorrow? who knows (my naruto brainrot is back I’m afraid………)
#sam winchester#supernatural#stanford sam winchester#samjess#spn#supernatural art#i can’t explain i just wanna cup his cheeks and say I’m so sorry kid😔#second sketch is sam arguing with john AGAIN#I thought it would be cool to draw him desperate and angry about his father#no self insert i promice#or not)0))#:')
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All the sanders sides fans who were around at like the HEIGHT of the fandom I’m talking like sweating while waiting for part 2 of Accepting Anxiety to drop I need you help me out
I need every single fandom controversy that you can think of documented here on this post or sent to me in my asks or dms I’m trying to reminisce the old sanders sides drama to my friends 💀
I know for a fact I don’t have all of it but I distinctly remember:
- The unsympathetic!Patton drama
- That one long post with all bunch of the popular fanders about how “if you think we’re a perfect fandom then you are very misguided”
- I feel like there was SOME kinning drama that was swept under the rug
But yeah please add or shoot me an ask or something just like any like wild posts/blogs/whatever you remember
#so sorry about all the tags I’m just so desperate to articulate how wild the fandom stuff to my friends#I told them I used to run a sanders sides blog in middle school and I had to explain the series to them 💀#we are all juniors in college#and here we are#gathered around the tv in my living room watching sanders sides#thomas sanders sides crit#ts crit#ts critical#ts criticism#thomas sanders crit#thomas sanders critical#thomas sanders#deceit sanders#janus sanders#logan sanders#remus sanders#roman sanders#sanders sides#virgil sanders#patton sanders#sanders side fic
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to complement this post
I think the red hair pirates would be obsessed with S-Hawk too! Especially the main group who've known Mihawk through his teenage marine hunting phase.
Benn would know they are walking on thin ice but look at him! He’s a little baby Mihawk! Look at his little uniform shirt tucked into his little shorts. Every angry and threatening expression s-hawk could make would mean nothing to a crew that has seen the real thing live and in color. It would just be adorable like look at his little frown! His glare! The threat of disembodiment in his eyes! Adorable
Mihawk is very uncomfortable with how much the red hair pirates fawn over and adore what is essentially a manufactured baby him. But yet also somehow touched? By it. He’ll kill everyone and then himself before he admits it tho
Yasopp, who actually did know a shorter 19 year old Mihawk, would ask him if he was that adorable but tiny (still can't comprehend that the seraphim are infact giant) as a child and if he had any pictures, and Mihawk almost takes his head.
#Mishanks#something about people being kind to the younger version of yourself when you haven’t known much kindness#I think it’s also a-hawk has his exact temperament maybe even worse cause he doesn’t even really speak#but they like him because of that not inspire of it which means they’ll probably like him too if he’ll let them.#little does he know they already do and lucky roux yasopp and Benn adore him#benn would have to repeatedly explain that that is a murder robot and not a baby bird#I think they should by whatever miracle find pictures of an actual baby mihawk and they hang it on the fridge next to Luffy's wanted poster#throwing thoughts to the void#I do like desperately need S-Hawk and Mihawk to meet#I hope they do because I’m so interested in how the warlords would react to that#like there’s a younger version of you that was created without your knowledge or permission#it’s essentially a mirror to your childhood that suffers all on it own and you’re told it has no autonomy#but you can see the hints of a personality they are trying to suppress#red hair#red hair shanks#red haired shanks#red hair pirates#red haired pirates#dracule mihawk#hawkeye mihawk#akataka#mihawk x shanks#seraphim#one piece seraphim#one piece memes#one piece funny#op#one piece#shitposting#s hawk
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in one of his radios, sasara offhandedly mentioned that whenever he’s up for a drink, without fail rei accepts his invite and it was to the point sasara wondered if rei had nothing ever going on lmao but rei trying to find happiness in a bottle is so 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
#vee queued to fill the void#my brain is desperately trying to get me to say something absolutely batshit about ichiro sasara rei and nayuta#but the amount of connections it takes to reach the conclusion is making me feel like insane#so i’m kinda sitting here looking dead eyed like pomni while my brain is throwing pictures and screaming character points at me LOL#it’d be so lit if i could figure out how to explain rei’s couple therapy tendencies are connected to a theorised on my part 1️⃣🎋parallel lo#just typing that made me feel like i was losing the plot LOL#c: rei
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gender rant in tags
#there is a part of me that desperately wants to identify as a man but i just can't#because i hate being associated what that means for people#like yes obviously being big and masculine and putting on muscle and weight is affirming to a lot of people#and that's fine#but i really do not know how to explain how much i do not resonate with that#and how much i equally don't resonate with femininity#i have spent years debating whether i want to medically transition#i know about all the literal physical stuff i just don't know if i want to bite the bullet and do it#and i go on tumblr hoping to find some kind of inspiration some kind of motivation literally anything to encourage me to do it#but literally every post about being transmasc is about being strong and hairy and typically masculine#which. again. is fine. but i literally never feel like my gender is one that even exists#so then i convince myself that it's best not to even try#when i still don't even know if i've decided that's true or not#i dont know#i don't even know where i'm going with this i just feel like i will never ever be seen in my life#and even if i make the jump to medically transition it will mean i may lose a lot of people close to me#so it's not ebven like it's just a gender question it's like well. do you want to feel Vaguely Dissatisfied but not in agony and keep the#things and the people that are closest to you#or do you want to try this thing that you may not even like and risk losing everything#i just wish i fucking knew#i would know if i thought i could be the person i wanted to be on T#but honestly i'm not convinced that i will ever be that person#i see trans people being happy and it just makes me fucking sad#and i fucking hate that#if you’ve read this far I’ll admit to you this was because I started crying looking at the tumblr forcemasc tag. because I’m normal#anyway. goes back to reading my stupid naval uniform book#mine#delete later
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Daddy loves me so much that my body just can’t contain it and all his love starts dripping out of my little pussy 💧💕✨🥰
#he explained it like this once and now i tell myself that when i’m lonely/horny#which is often :(#soaking wet and so desperately focused on him
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I genuinely CANNOT handle this like holy fuck
#like seriously#I’m fucking losing it over here#look at them#LOOK AT THESE BOYS#god fucking dammit#Nicholas and Seiji#NICHOJI#THE YEARNING#THE DESPERATION#I am internally chanting KISS KISS KISS#and nothing will make me stop#it is still so wild how nuts I get over this comic#dig my teeth in and shake my head like a raccoon#bury it in my heart and then just keep cradling it#FUCK#you don’t even know#I can’t adequately explain it#I can’t#fence comic
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#i’m genuinely confused about why people are saying buck only used eddie’s straightness as reason for not being in love with him???#i’m not saying you can’t or even shouldn’t interpret it that way… but not even considering the opposite… feels like a mistake#maddie said it wouldn’t be such a crazy idea and he fully says ‘except that i’m not’ and THEN follows up with just because people#want him to be pining for his straight best friend it ‘isn’t like that’#it wasn’t even a ‘but he’s straight so it wouldn’t work out anyway’ kind of vibe?#he said it wasn’t like that FOR HIM#and then… imo… explained his squirrelly behavior with tommy by actually saying he felt like he was being accused of cheating/lying about#secret feelings for eddie so he was mean on purpose#and the delivery was not at all shaky or panicked or desperate to get maddie to believe him#on top of that aisha answering that journalist saying this Opens The Door with ‘does it open the door or close it?’#i’m lowkey concerned that people aren’t even entertaining that that’s the case?#especially with fans starting to literally threaten ryan because they think he’s stopping it all somehow#they have just built into canon a ‘we told you so’ if this does not pan out the way they want#and they can and will use it if they don’t follow through with your interpretation
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ok real quick ik i just said i’d be quiet but i need to say: i am not a huge fan of the wicked movie. i do not expect to love part two. but from the teaser of no good deed in the trailer. i need to say. if they fuck up my favourite song of all time in any musical theatre show ever. i will be furious.
#/ post. ◞ ‘ … reign /#i understand it could be a trailer version#but i do not vibe with it#i do not fuck with it#i hate it#actually#so if that’s ends up being even a little bit#like what it will be in the movie#i’m gonna rage#i have ngd tattooed on my arm#i will be so mad and so upset if they fuck it up#it’s not a ballad#it’s not meant to be sung slowly or with mourning#it is a battle cry#it is female rage#it’s desperation and devastation and it’s resigned acceptance#it needs to sound like war drums and electric guitar#i actually feel sick thinking about what they could do to it#i mean it is mourning but it’s not#it’s not a Ballad yk????#idk how to explain what it isn’t#and what it sounds like they’re making it#idk i have a lot of thoughts rn and none of them are good
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hm. after all this time i still get angry about this so i think it’s about time i make a comic about how i feel about personality disorders
#yapzone#i used to make comics about b/pd and even though i dont identify with that dx anymore and had it wiped from my record#the diagnosis did impact me in a PROFOUND way#tl;dr of my feelings is that a PD is majorly an excuse for a doctor that ignores your pain#or considers the source of it not enough to justify the way you cope#like. in retrospect i think some of the incredibly angry and unstable ways i reacted in relationships#were pretty justifiable considering how fucking awful it was to live in the world without the meds i’m on now#well. not ‘justifiable’ but it was understandable how i came to cope the way i did#of course the world feels unsafe and everything takes x3000 times the effort and the way people talk to you is unclear#and you’re pushed into being an outcast for reasons you can’t understand#like of course i get sent into a panic every time something bad happened in a relationship. i HAD to be hypervigilant.#i could only figure out facial expressions by looking at individual facial features and desperately clinging to tone#i had people say to me they think they have some symptoms of bpd and it’s like of course you do!!! of course you fucking do!#it is a trauma response that doctors deem you had no right to develop because they don’t believe you#and then make it a pathological problem#so every time you have a relapse you go down the pit x10 more because you just got dx’d with Bad Person Disorder#like fuck!!!!! fuck!!!!!!!#it was all bullshit and i should’ve known when my psych who diagnosed me said that ‘people outgrow this disorder’#THEN IS IT A DISORDER ? why do we treat people with a cluster B dx like they’re just bad people who are like that#idk for fun?#it’s dehumanizing. it’s a great way to say ‘it’s hard to treat this patient and i don’t like their tone so they’re just fucked for#some reason. throw them in inpatient’#idk i think we should notice how some of these PD’s very easily are explained by other dx’s but doctors are like#‘nah you’re [minority] you can’t have that you’re just irrational’#i don’t knowwwew i don’t knowww!!!!#the programs they put me in to treat my bpd made me so much worse and ruined my relationships with people because#the whole message was just ‘you’re inherently irrational and can’t trust yourself in any way’#so i never learned to communicate. i learned to keep everything down and let people walk over me. i gave them that permission by saying#oh no i have bpd im irrational my feelings dont matter. you’re fine you can never do anything wrong to me#and if im upset with you and i dont like you and if you make me feel unsafe then that’s my problem i need to fix
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Thinking of when my mum was saying “oh I don’t think either of these two will ever make me a granny 😔” when she took me and my brother to see my gran and my brother looked So ready to throw me into the deep end with some crack about me and how I definitely won’t bc I’m queer and I’m so glad he didn’t bc the three hour long phone interrogation from hell that mum put me through when he mentioned it to her once before is NOT something I wanted to have to endure an inescapable in-person repeat of and certainly not with my gran also likely to join in on it…
it’s honestly a saving grace that mum seems to have just. Completely discarded everything she learned about me from that phonecall and has just either forgotten I’m queer or actively chooses to just completely disregard it bc. Man.
It was excruciating and I was absolutely bricking myself thinking my brother was about to put me through it again
#He actively smirked at me and I shot him a look I can only describe as absolute pleading desperation#Mum always makes that same crack about not being a granny and then pesters me about when I’m gonna get a boyfriend and it’s like#genuinely just easier to try to field those questions awkwardly than to be honest about myself#I tried to explain the Ace side of myself to her and she couldn’t understand it so. The rest is just not worth the stress#I think there are aspects of myself I’ll never be able to explain even to the more understanding sides of my family#they’re always just gonna think I’m A Girl bc explaining being Agender is just never gonna get through to them#Which is why although I’m really much more a they/them I just let ppl still use she/her as like. A vestigial pronoun#that I’m never going to be able to shake ppl from using for me. I’m glad at least that I don’t associate it too much with gender#but it would be nice if even one member of my family could switch entirely to using they/them for me bc. Like. That’s actually me you know?
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sometimes i think about my spn oc and how i rewrote everything about amara to interact with the story i was trying to tell about her. there were some really neat ideas in that i need to recycle for something one day. like, in the show proper, they just let amara take over a human baby and that’s fine, but amara’s not Meant To Be Here. this entire universe is one constructed in her absence. saying she can possess a human body should be like saying if you took a person and sent them to a universe where 1+1=3, they could just figure out how to function within that.
which in story took the form of Amara being something that could not be Understood, only Rationalized. a force locked outside the narrative who could only get inside and destroy things if given a role within it. by the Winchesters as A Monster To Face. by Chuck as Wayward, Unreachable Sister. and by miss oc as. simultaneously a projected creature to be saved, an amalgamation of injustices done to herself (and others) that would never be righted but could be made up for by being a part of this. and as something impossibly powerful that could be both protection and purpose.
and the Darkness wasn’t any of those things, really, but to have agency in her own story required new shackles, but ones she was always straining against. she wouldn’t fit inside the confines of a human mind, let alone a body, at least not well enough to leave it Intact. like lucifer burning through nick, but Worse. because the burns were an expected outcome of skin not strong enough to hold him. humans were built for angels, some were built better and some worse, but they’re meant to work. putting amara in human skin should disconnect the skin and mind and soul from the reality her brother built itself, i think. slowly. bit by bit.
and at the same time, i’d gone and written the kind of wild scenario you really can only write for your thirteen year old mary sue, given that spn oc the part of herald/high priestess/failed vessel. which she pursued with wild abandon like that would fix anything wrong with her <3
in the end, running alongside the borrowed family theming of the original show was my own theme of “how much self-annihilation will you accept to make your point. are you accepting it, really. or are you seeking it.” not just physically, in letting something unmake the base components of what you are as it tries to fit inside you or in it constricting and suffocating itself beyond self-recognition to get inside in the first place, but, obviously, it’s supernatural, how much selfhood do you cede to your family. is it worth it.
it was interesting, if nothing else. let thirteen year old me cook. she had ideas.
#spn oc#don’t mind this i’m rambling about nothing i felt nostalgic about her (<- my oc)#there was also an explanation in the mix for why amara was called amara in this au too despite. you know. not being a baby.#and it was like. a vessel’s desperate attempt to separate itself from the thing inside it by naming it something other than itself.#like a last moment of self-preservation. the opposite of lucifer using nick’s face and us all agreeing to think of it as his. you know?#and amara means beauty.#it’s a very human need. to name things. and the thing is that humanity itself is antithetical to what amara is. in this au.#not because of any inherent quality of it. but because it was not made with her in mind.#i keep bringing up lucifer but he’s such a good comparison case of what thirteen year old me was trying to construct here#and what i can better explain now that im. not thirteen. but its that. lucifer has beef with humans because they have common ground.#the only reason he can hate them is because they’re recognizable to him. terrible little cockroaches. but something he understands.#amara as i conceived of her could not hate or love or understand humanity. or the world. or anything as we know it. because it was not made#to be seen by her. it was made with the express purpose of her never encountering it.#when i was thirteen i wanted her to be so much more alien than she was. unfortunately this is supernatural and supernatural deals in#Just Some Guy forever and ever <3#but it was my story so i made her fucked up and weird and beyond comprehension.#except. of course. when forced to bend into a shape that makes her Not her.#i don’t think proper envesseling would have been a process either her or the oc survived. not because they’d die but because they’d get.#stuck? i think? that was what the intent was. that they’d get melted together like plastic toys.#chuck had a nice smooth envesseling in this au because these toys are made for him.#and angels need consent and angels get bleedover from their vessels because the toys are shared with them but they’re closer to being toys#themselves too.#i’ve rambled enough honestly no one cares about this but me aksjfkjfks#what was i talking about. right! the naming!#the naming of amara is a nail in her coffin because she is named and it is so human to be named and to be perceived and to be shaped by that#perception. even without malicious intent. even to be looked at as destruction itself and be named beauty.#in the same way you kill what something could be by learning what it is. the way a unicorn dies when you discover how rhinos were drawn.#does that make sense? that’s what kills her. bit by bit.
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So bonkers how my general ability to do tasks has changed since new playlist and tv show. No longer pulled into spending one million hours stuck on The Apps either, I’m doing things. The power of feeling happy and excited…….
silly. but I’ll take it!!!!!!!!!!
#I’ve also actually been switching my brain off to rest too or it feels like it. maybe the key is enjoying breaks so I can task switch more#easily. IDK! I think part of it is that life just feels easier when you feel happy instead of somewhat desperate and like the world is out#of reach 😅#anyway I’m doing good 👍 if I can work out how to feel like this often then that would be so nice.#flip side is kind of bleak post that I have Not been doing well and things are not good for. a while. but I’ve been staying afloat!!!! and#u know I’m constantly putting effort in!!!!!!!#if that effort had guaranteed benefits then wow. we would be in a different stratosphere hahahaha#like I know what the problem is! being ill all da time and not being able to leave the house or socialise or do stuff that’s fun and#interesting and novel and fulfilling is so bad for you. alas. the disabilities.#another drs appt next week though!!!! hoping the new tests and referral to new specialists gets approved no problem! 🤞#u know I am doing everything in my power to make a positive chance that’s also physically possible for me! even if I’m coming at it with#very little expertise or ideas of what’s out there! there’s gotta be more options! there’s gotta be someone who can help or#at least explain more!#even if they get to the bottom of things better and say it’s never gonna get better. maybe I can be eligible for more support then!#it’s gonna be okay!!!!!!!
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would it be sacrilege of me to say that i am kinda hashtag Underwhelmed by the percy jackson show
#first off. the directing is just not that good.#like you could have taken the unique story and made interesting choices that make the story feel more exciting but so far it’s just so basi#basic shot composition basic camera movement fairly basic lighting#also like i can understand changes from the book. going from a first person novel to a show is difficult and you have to make changes.#but also some of them are just like nonsensical. why would you change the claiming from a moment of victory for percy to whatever that was#<- well okay not really victory. more confusion and fear and desperation with a tad bit of victory#(also the claiming symbol looked bad and i’m salty about that)#i liked that annabeth had it figured out though that was fun. the introduction to her character kinda slayed#oh my god also the decision for that scene where luke is telling percy abt him annabeth and thalia to Not have any broll type shots overtop#-of the explaination actually Showing what luke was saying was lame#i get that they don’t have the actor for thalia chosen yet but you could have easily done it to where you only showed young luke+annabeth-#-and just thalia’s like sillohuette or hand reaching out or whatever#also again about the claiming scene they just took away all of the hints toward future twists. the hellhound summoned by someone in camp-#-and the hints toward the Big prophecy :(#anyway overall it’s awesome and it’s so fun to see pjo on screen. it’s just a bit lacking imo ☹️#oh and the reduction of gabe into an almost comedic character rather than as an absolutely foul person that percy and sally have had to-#-suffer just does not work for me. it’s such an important detail thematically and also gives so much more context and meaning to percy and-#-sally’s lives and relationship. i think it’s so important but they changed it to something more palletable :(#ash rambles#ash.txt
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I need to make a chart or maybe Google slide thing for people explaining every getter character but then I get hit with “how the fuck do you summarize some of these guys across canon when some of them get retroactively changed” because doing slides for like every ryoma would be pointless since you can really sum down most of his counterparts as “angry karate guy”- but then you get to Saotome, Go and Kei in Armageddon 💀 (and where the fuck do you put Musashibo)
#meg text#getter robo#I’ve been thinking about doing this shit just so I can describe getter to people who read my fics easily#not that I’m desperate but I don’t mind explaining shit if people will never watch or read it#but then I get to arma canon and I’m like “oh god”#the green hair siblings i love you but you’ll never be weird to fucking explain to people#and without spoiling it- that is actually necessary info for the AU to know#even if I’m not going the complicated route arma went LOL it’s just simply their siblings
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