#One day I'll read it again and write a better analysis | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

riding-the-sunset-bird · 6 months ago

Note

Hey!

Since I started playing August last year I'd been lurking on the reddit (since I don't have an account) and always found the posts of the person who was writing "what choices determine Cove's X" so insightful and loved reading them

recently, i played the baxter DLC (still am not over it, it's my most favourite thing ever; i just love our pepe le pew) so I spent a lot of time on the reddit just reading up about him and what others thought bcs i LOVE deep analysis on characters that I've liked and I stumbled upon a bunch of your comments (which again, loved reading!) and I put a name to the comment

found the same username on tumblr and simultaneously found out you were the one who goes into the games files and wrote those posts I loved so, AH! Hi!

hahah my 'fangirling' and backstory aside, right after I played Baxter's DLC I felt like I didn't understand the reasons behind his actions? I know everyone talks about how he has self-worth issues and wanted to just be a memory but I don't get how that all correlated to completely detatching and not wanting to be a part of MC's life? Like did he care at all? If he didn't, why keep your number and the gift you gave him in one of the memories (Sightseeing?). But if he did care, how did he so easily at the beginning distance himself professionally? AND THEN REMINISCE ON ALL OUR MEMORIES TOGETHER BUT GO BACK TO PROFESSIONAL; LIKE WHAT WAS THE INTENTION

I feel like it is such a stupid question since it seems like everyone else gets it and the game explains it so many times but I just did not get it 😭

so if you could! could you help me understand it a little better? (and if you have talked about it before, no pressure to rewrite it all here I'd happily read another post of yours about it if you could kindly link it!)

i hope that makes sense haha, hope you have a lovely day and genuienly THANK YOU for what you do with your blog! its so great and even if you don't answer this ask i will LOVE reading everything you still put out!

-jaycee <3

*ahem*

Firstly--AAAAAAA >//////<

Thank you so much!! I do my best to help out so people can understand the code, and at times I just see it as something fun for me. So, when people enjoy them as well, it makes me so happy~

Also, I'd be delighted to answer your questions about Baxter! His DLC is absolutely packed so I get that sometimes it's hard to absorb it all. You asking someone for "help" and wanting to understand (rather than simply giving up or writing the DLC off) is admirable, honestly, not something to feel stupid about!

For me personally, I do believe that there are layers to it, and I'll try to do things in a different enough way/simplify them linearly in case that might help. Included will be quotes from the game to help things flow best.

All that said, let us now go on this journey into Baxter's mind together! ᕕ(ᐛ)ᕗ

(note that this got so long that I put a TL;DR/summarized version at the end, I just thought it was important to go into as much as possible; I also have a Reddit comment here that has a smaller/quoteless explanation)

Childhood and Early-to-Mid Teens

Let's take this chronologically. Picture a young Baxter Alexander Ward all the way back in Golden Grove. He's a rich boy with rich parents, and by rich, we're talking really rich. What already is so much to an adult is virtually limitless in the mind of a child, and it earns him a certain reputation amongst the population. Everyone knows the name of the Mr. and Mrs. Ward's only child, and it makes him extremely popular.

However, that doesn't mean he has true company, especially as his neighborhood situation is quite the opposite from the MC of either Our Life version, who are given one or two easily-accessible friends depending on the game.

"The land my family home was built on… I suppose you could call it somewhat remote. It's a fair-sized estate, situated a little ways off from the rest of the town. So, until I moved into college dorms, I'd go as far as to say that I'd never had neighbors before."

In other words, there's no one around his age nor does he have a sibling to play with. This isn't a big deal at first, given that he's young, innocent, and raised where anything he wanted was in his parents' budget. He's expected to act a certain way, certainly, but he can't understand the idea of needing anymore than what he has: he's the cute rich boy that has "everything" and that every kid wants to be close to.

So much so that it gives him an ego about it.

"What I do distinctly recall is that as a child I unequivocally thought I was better than other people. That those who met me were lucky, and I could pick anyone I wanted as company. The onus was on everyone else to impress. "If someone was boring or maybe I just didn't like the colors they were wearing that day, I could find a new playmate, easily. After all, I had the most to offer. "Naturally, what I was 'offering' was what my parents had. A big, cool house, exciting outings, the best toys. It wasn't until I was eleven or so when I developed my first stable friends. They might not have been rich like me, but they had their own charms. Those ties couldn't be replaced."

"I loved it when they would come and visit; there was scarcely anything better. They never got over their sense of awe, and I ate it up."

"Becoming attached to other people, especially those people, made me realize what I'd believed wasn't true. And it was so obvious. They were wonderful. I felt things I never had before. "All it took was being who they were. It didn't matter what their parents did. No fancy venue could top genuine comradery with their company. "And for whatever reason, I was in the club, and I was happy. The person who was lucky to be there was me. "I had wanted my friends to feel the same way towards me. To have that kind of incredible effect on another person for no reason other than that I was Baxter."

Thus, the confident boy Baxter sees in the mirror everyday, like a framed painting of the kind of person everyone wants to be, becomes distorted. Kids didn't flock to him because he was "Baxter," but because he was a rich boy who could wow them. He felt that even the friends he did manage to acquire only hung out with him because they were lovely people, because they also were not immune to being awed by his rich boy things, and because he got lucky.

Qiu - who's part of his friend group - being his first crush likely doesn't help matters. It's no longer about his own personal satisfaction, where he shows off and the kids involved do little more than stroke his ego; now there are kids who are the ones offering him something, and it's something he didn't even know he was missing.

This begins the initial spark of self-worth issues for Baxter, and it's a spark that snowballs as time goes on. He doubts himself, he doubts his ability to make his friends happy in the way that they make him happy, and he - when he's fourteen - goes so far as to doubt the impression something as simple as his hair gives off.

"The generous might say I could count it as black, or that it was 'black in the right light' as my parents placatingly put it. "The fact of the matter is that it's a dusty gray."

"Who would notice a color that wasn't exactly black? And why would they care, even if they did? "Me. I noticed. I noticed and it bothered me, so I dyed it. "Was it something I wanted only for my own preference, or was it because I believed if I saw it as an imperfection then that meant everyone else did? "Probably the latter."

(note that this is around the time that an MC might meet him in Soiree and potentially become his second crush)

So now you have a double-edged sword of sorts where Baxter wants to be good enough as he is, yet is actively covering up the parts of himself that he deems as flaws to be corrected.

In trying to craft this "perfect/better" version of himself, he's created a scenario in which he cannot win. Even if said version could make people happy, he is still not the real version of himself and goes on believing that any amount of joy he does create isn't even "him" doing it anyway.

This is already excluding the fact that his parents are *:･ﾟ✧ garbage ✧･ﾟ:* who always wanted him to act a particular way, and he knew they'd take issue with him if they didn't raise him personally.

"They understand care through the lens of control and protection. That's been their way ever since I was young. In that sense, they treat me no different from a child. "But, of course, they are quiet, educated, esteemed, and a tad old. As is their company, most days. That's not the environment to act as a kid. "That meant I've always been expected to behave with the maturity of someone their own age, or perhaps even older, somehow. "A bit of a paradox, isn't it? Do everything as an adult would while getting the respect an infant does."

"They're family and I'm their son. That is what matters at the end of the day, blood related or not. "I'm thankful for that as well. "Now, if I wasn't the boy they raised together in any capacity, then there would be problems."

Even the air of sophistication he has comes from his upbringing (though he's at least made that his own). There's the Baxter he actually is, the Baxter his parents expect him to be, and the Baxter he's trying to build up for himself to be someone he thinks can make those he cares for happy, all things that he tries to deal with himself as if that's at all manageable or healthy for him.

To the surprise of no one, things still aren't perfect. Without a trust that his friends like him simply because they like him, he doesn't realize - or refuses to contend with - the truth of the situation, and the age gap between them starts causing difficulties.

"I was older than all of them. As sheltered as I was, I got along better with kids not quite my own age. Immature as always, hm? "Life changed fast then, and the years between us became more noticeable with every day. I never reached a point where I felt like I knew what I was doing before suddenly, it was as if I didn't belong with them anymore. "That they didn't have time to keep me around with the differences in our schedules and priorities. And I accepted that. So, the friendships ended. We stopped talking as young teens, and I haven't even seen them since I left for college in 2015. "I thought they mattered to me, but when have I done anything for them? Why did I deserve to be liked and included when all I did was want that to happen and abandon them when it didn't?"

Now we're getting closer to the white-and-black-haired Baxter we know as, at the time he leaves Golden Grove, he's just one year away from his visit to Sunset Bird and simultaneously no closer to knowing what he's doing. He's broken off from his old, cherished, and only significant friend group, and now he's all the way on the other side of the country in Virginia by himself.

He's still chaotic, still kindhearted, yet has no clue that he deserves to have the kind of companionship he longs for. In the year of him being at college, he fails to make those kinds of connections, whether intentionally or otherwise.

"Instead, you could say I don't have many friends. I spend the majority of my time on my own, though I do attend parties and other gatherings when I am able. "I do not have anything quite similar waiting for me there. Don't feel bad about that. "It is only to be expected. I did move across the country. It is a fairly common phenomenon for those of us who do. I'm a regular fish out of water, if you will."

"It hasn't been easy to find anyone to reminisce with, not for a while. But then again, I only developed a sentimentality once I'd gone off to college. "I was too young and proud for that sort of matter before then. There wasn't anything in my life to harbor much sentimentality for. I suppose leaving was the catalyst. Isn't it always? "But once that part of my mind had developed, there wasn't anyone around to share the emotions with. My classmates and I… we don't have that kind of relationship."

His parents are also just as controlling as ever, only allowing him to enjoy his semester off from college under their rules and in a place they personally chose and are comfortable with. Baxter, who had no interest in going home to Golden Grove and thus agrees to the terms, can only make himself comfortable by finding his own ways of having fun, such as renting a car despite being underage.

"At a minimum, I can honestly say that I wish that I missed it, if that makes sense. I don't know how you feel about your hometown particularly, but you should at least be able to appreciate that I spent all of my youth there. "I'm not so jaded as to totally discount the place, far from it. But anything I liked about my home wasn't exactly exclusive to that locale. The US is a big country, and there are plenty of beautiful things to see wherever you go. "I've experienced enough to know that much, at least. So no, I don't miss it. And I won't be going back. "If my parents wish to see me, they'll have to be the ones visiting where I am.

"Mother and Father agreed to me vacationing on my own, but under the condition that they would have the choice of where I stayed. "California being fairly close by, and Sunset Bird being so quaint, not to mention our prior excursions to the area, they concluded that this was the easiest way to keep me out of trouble."

Basically, it's all going back to his line about expecting him to behave as an adult whilst treating him like a child. He's permitted to vacation by himself but only in a town as "boring" as Sunset Bird where there would naturally be very few teenagers around his age. His streak for being a bit of a rebel reflects that.

What he doesn't expect is to meet a new group of people and the MC in particular, who unintentionally challenges his negative view on himself.

Step 3

From the very beginning, Baxter takes immediate interest in the MC and Cove, wanting to make one of those "blissful, temporary relationships" that will last the summer. Already, we have something of note, which is the 50/50 success rate he ended up having: MC and Terry were all for the absurdly friendly monochrome man that swooped into town, whereas Cove and Miranda were more hesitant (and thus didn't spend as much time with him) because his directness tended to put them off.

"I care a great deal about what I say and that it makes the correct impression. Yet I am not always successful. My approach is off, really."

"Now, this may be a complete shock to you, but… I've been told that I can come across as a bit too forward. I know. It can be hard to believe. My intent is to be open with people so we can connect. It almost never works out that way, though. I've had to come to terms with the fact that I don't possess a knack for making friends. "It was obnoxiously easy when I was a child. Especially due to that aforementioned big, cool house. But now I keep finding myself at a loss for how to do it. With the hit-or-miss endeavor, the vast majority of the time I come up with a miss."

"And I've never been in a stable, long-term relationship. They've all been brief, and varying levels of disastrous."

Put more simply, Baxter knows what he wants but doesn't understand what people want out of him (believing more that they don't want him at all). On some level, he's flying blind and simply does what he can to put his best foot forward, not wanting to miss opportunities when they present themselves to him. He's someone who likes seeing people thrive and enjoy themselves, and it's even better if he knows that he caused it.

"I live for approval."

Thus, as the "perfect summer tourist" who wants to vacation and have a fun time with those that he can, he seeks to do everything possible to make it memorable. That doesn't mean that he goes out of his way to do things he doesn't want to or portray himself as this person who doesn't even resemble who he actually is, but he puts on an air of not having any flaws that would cause him to be any form of burden to others.

This is even excluding the parallel of a group of four friends that he's involved with yet feels distant from or like he doesn't belong in at the same time; history repeating itself and what not, though in his case it's more like a self-fulfilling prophecy, emphasized by the possibility of him asking the MC out on a summer fling.

"I don't care about what label you'd choose to put to it. I could be your boyfriend, or nothing at all. "And you can also change your mind without consequence, if you find out it's not what you imagined further down the line."

Baxter gives the MC every out he can to make things as convenient as possible for them, not only so that the relationship isn't serious and they don't have to worry about it, but so they can break it off whenever they wish. He knows full well that even the person he's presenting himself as won't please everyone and sets everything up so he can almost anticipate the ending if the MC gets bored with him because he fails to impress.

He's interested in them, attracted to them, and feels that he'll enjoy their company, but he only thinks he can do the same on the short-term; that small amount of time where people are still learning about one another where little else is hoped for beyond good things.

Another way of looking at it is based on Baxter's view of control.

"It might not surprise you to know that I can be a touch… particular. I know the importance of coherence, with individuals acting in a well-coordinated fashion. And I like things to function well-for systems to operate smoothly. "I confess, you could call me controlling, at times. Not with people, but with processes. Especially when it comes to enacting plans. I'd much rather act under my own steam than follow someone else's lead. "I'm only flexible with the personal, not the business, aspects of life."

His relationship with the MC is, on some level, a process. It's something for him to carefully plan out and calculate to make it the best he can for them. Getting more personal would involve him revealing the parts of himself that he finds distasteful and believes the MC will as well.

Of course, he doesn't anticipate growing attached to them, which brings in the "risk versus reward" aspect. This can be seen when Baxter initially agrees to have drinks with the MC in the morning that he hates so much, where the safe option would be to simply postpone until another day, except he wants to spend time with them as soon as possible.

In that respect, it's not unlike him struggling to decide on the type of ice cream he'd like.

"My problem is this: I'm unsure if I should get a dessert that's to my usual taste. If I do, I'd be certain to enjoy what comes from the ice cream truck. That would be nice. "But, on the other hand, this may happen only once. Perhaps it'd be more rewarding to get something new, an option that would be challenging to find in a common store. "Which will add more to the experience? Indulgence or novelty? I want to make the right choice."

However, his risks don't end up panning out well in his mind because he's unable to get past something so minor as forgetting his wallet, when all he and the MC had planned to do was have a nice time at a cafe in Drinks. In his mind, the Baxter he's trying to present had failed, and what else can he do at that point (under his perceived logic) but do what he remembers worked from childhood?

"It's a question of knowing the right people who know the right people. We could have even had full backstage access with the main cast if I'd asked. "I do try not to lean on that kind of thing too much, if you can believe me. I appreciate it might not look like it now. You could say it's a means for me to preserve my sense of independence. It's easy to be popular if you can foot the bill, and I don't want that to be what draws others to me. "But after all that, here I am, leaning on the same old crutch. Nothing has changed since I was six."

"I suppose that was part of the issue. I didn't consider myself appealing enough as a person to be worth the time. So, I wanted the support of an exciting or interesting backdrop for meetups. "But… it shouldn't matter that much where you are if you enjoy who you're with."

Baxter expects perfection out of himself in the same way that his parents expected things out of him, and the limitations follow accordingly. He wants little more than the MC's presence and it is up to him to "repay them" for it. When he was a child, he was the one everyone else had to impress, and now it's the other way around: he has to impress those he wants to be around.

Except he's only human, and aiming to be the perfect person for the MC all summer simply isn't feasible, which he takes with every ounce of criticism one can imagine.

"This whole situation… it's asinine. I haven't known you long enough to be causing this kind of trouble. I'm quite literally a stranger. And I won't even be here long enough for that to change. As welcoming as you all are here, that can't be forgotten. "This was-I was-only ever supposed to be a part of the fun. A worthwhile piece of summer scenery. Someone who added to the experience, not held it back. You shouldn't have to baby me! To sit there and spend your time making me feel better when I don't keep it together. "The mess I am in the mornings, the drama I cause in the evenings: the person I am when the show is over. Those aspects shouldn't be any of your concern. I don't provide that support to you, do I? And how could I when I don't know you? "No. It's not fair to make you worried or, worse, guilty over what happens to me. What matters is that when we're together it's for the pleasant parts of existence. The less ideal shades of life can be managed separately. "That's all I wanted."

Two things to note as well is that he'll say all of the same dialog even if he and the MC have experienced Hang or Planning (where Baxter can comfort them), and there's a dialog path in Sightseeing (i.e: the moment most players will play first) where he'll openly say that he hopes they count for "more than strangers."

(He's additionally rejected the idea that he knows the MC despite relishing every given opportunity to listen to the MC babble about even the most mundane things.)

So not only will he deny to himself that comforting the MC was worth enough to count (or unintentionally block it from his mind), but when it comes to things becoming more personal, suddenly he's "just a stranger/near-stranger." The MC can be comforted when they need it but not him, and he's just some nobody tourist when it comes time to put any value on himself...

whether that be the simple things like driving everyone around, to the stuff that takes effort to notice like him seeing that the MC wanted to ride in the passenger seat, to the more complex like literally saving Miranda's entire birthday party.

"I couldn't have devised a more pleasant way to spend my time here, even if I tried. And to be frank, I have tried. I didn't come to Sunset Bird totally devoid of any plans or ideas. "You and your friends have invited me to participate in an event with great significance to you. It's a profound gesture to show to a relative stranger. "When it's over, and I'm long gone from here, I hope you can all look back on this party for years to come-maybe for the rest of your lives-and treasure the memory. "And if I am a part of that memory, then that is satisfaction enough. Though perhaps I'm in danger of giving my contribution too much credit."

A hypocrite (I say this affectionately, I swear) of the highest order; there are rules for himself and no other rules for everybody else. The things he does are never enough whereas everyone else does plenty by simply existing and giving him the time of day.

Leaving the way he does with no contact and little hope of seeing each other again is the inevitable result of the process he'd put together for his time with the MC and his summer at Sunset Bird. From the beginning, he's had a time frame to keep to, an intent to not get attached, an expectation that no one would get attached to him, and an idea that he would leave as little more than a memory.

"Only lately it's been different. Incredibly different. I almost worry my luck won't last. It will all be over soon. "I wish… I could stay."

Except he does get attached, just as the MC gets attached to him (in what he can admit in Step 4 is the most stable relationship he's ever been in), and now all the control he feels he had goes out the window. That's why he has the potential to get upset if the MC keeps pushing his buttons by questioning him.

"I would've preferred it to have been an enjoyable time having my company while I happened to be here, that was the intention. It seems I've ruined that on the whole. I accept the blame for that. If I had behaved better this wouldn't have come to a close on such an abhorrent note. "However, I am not an irreplaceable part of your life. I was a tourist, a novelty. And now I'm not even that. So don't bother with this."

To him, everything is so obvious: he got "lucky" getting to hang out with his Golden Grove friends, who were simply so nice that they continued bothering with him at all despite his flaws. Considering how that ended, he expected the same where no one would bat an eye if he left.

The MC trying to hang onto what they have isn't a sign that he had done anything right, but that the MC is being their sweet, considerate self in thinking about him. He's had at least five years of criticizing himself, of trying to make people happy yet downplaying it when he does, that everything the MC says goes in one ear and out the other.

"I heard you then and each reasonable suggestion to salvage the situation, but I brushed you off as if you were the one being dramatic. Or that you were lying."

At some point between having his Golden Grove friend group to now, his priorities had changed. He'd given up on having true value to people and instead focuses on creating moments (an appropriate word to use given how the game works) with them. It's a natural progression from not believing he's important to not believing he could ever possibly be.

Even basic traits he does have that one will likely see as something to adore, he won't attribute to himself.

"Now, I do admit, though, that isn't what one might call a grand love story. It's simplicity itself. "I'm not the most romantic or sentimental person in the world. I know that can be at odds with my formality, yet it's the way I am."

He'll say he's not romantic nor sentimental while being one of the most romantic and sentimental people in the game, so either he's unaware of it or refuses to associate positive words like those with himself. On the flip side, he can falsely associate others with credit for things they've done without acknowledging the finer details that might negate his point.

For example, in the Wedding DLC, Baxter gives so much credit to Cove for "staying" and "trying" without understanding that Cove didn't have a choice on whether to stay or leave the MC initially due to still being a child (who absolutely would have left and in fact did try to leave in the Step 1 DLC). He's also one of the few characters who doesn't consider Cove "clingy," probably because he's just as clingy if not more so.

By unknowingly projecting his self-hatred onto the MC's view of him, he's come to the idea that the MC has already gotten as much out of the relationship with him as possible without things completely falling apart, and daring to want anything further is his own self-interest/ego getting to him.

It's even to the point of deciding that everything is his fault if the MC kissed him in Planning when they weren't dating.

"I must apologize for that. I shouldn't have done it. Even at the time I knew I shouldn't have. That was a bad idea. One that only managed to complicate our relationship further. "I shouldn't have involved you in more of my selfishness."

So his conclusion in the Step 3 ending is that he's lost no matter what and genuinely cannot comprehend the idea that he had done anything right for the MC to want to stay in contact with him.

If the MC contently accepts separating from him, then that proves to him that he isn't someone worth sticking around for. If they instead get upset or want to stay in touch, then he has somehow done something wrong in the way he went about things and presented himself. It all goes back to being a scenario he's set himself up not to win.

"In short, what I'm saying is that I'm a fraud in all regards. You can't take any of it seriously, including what color my hair is."

"I don't deserve to have that kind of relationship with another person. That's why. I don't contribute anything. "Maybe I can impress others for a time, but how do you go beyond that? I can't say what it means to be significant as a person, to be irreplaceable. "And since I don't have the answer, I certainly wasn't going to assume I'd do it by accident. What does it take to add value to someone simply just by being there? I tried, but I never knew. "In my eyes there's a world of humans living freely among one another, while every connection I create is so fragile. If I make the wrong step I might hurt them, or be hurt myself, and if it's strained at all it will break entirely."

The sad part of it is that it makes sense, in a way. The things he did for the MC - baring perhaps that damned chocolate fountain - were almost effortless to him. He wanted to do them, so why would he think he did anything special?

One of the very few times he's willing to talk in any way bad about another is only if the MC uses Jude and Scott's relationship as a reason for why they could keep in touch. That's when his cynical side comes out.

"Of course, my rather reasonable prediction is that it will not last. Most relationships don't."

As things were that summer, Baxter viewed the MC as someone he would love to know, but not someone who wanted to know him because he doesn't think he's likable; that the slightest inconvenience to them - to anyone - would make him not worth keeping in touch with any longer. The MC also has friends who have been around longer than him, and he's never considered that he could have any role amongst them.

Tempting fate was never his intention, yet that's exactly what he does in believing they'll never meet again, drawn together as if the longing makes them magnetic to each other.

Step 4

As is standard with the inevitable passage of time and growing older, Baxter is slowly finding himself and improving as a person over the five years that he and the MC are apart. Some things change and others stay the same, whether for better or worse.

Though, any positives aren't particularly noteworthy to Baxter himself.

"I can say that I've improved some talents over the years and found a less eye-catching sense of style, but for anything meaningful there's been no growth."

Due to his self-worth issues, he never thinks what he does is good enough and is wholly focused on where he's yet to improve upon, even though he is fully aware about the parts of himself he has worked on.

"You don't need to worry. I'm not quite as sensitive as I used to be about mistakes. I will survive this, pride as wounded as it may be from these trials and tribulations."

"Part of the tragedy of adult life is learning to roll with the punches, so to speak. I suppose I should be proud of the fact that I can at least handle it much better than when I was younger. "Thinking about what kind of panic a younger Baxter would have been thrown into at the prospect of a missing shirt on an important day-"

Under that lens, it doesn't matter what he does or how he deals with the issues he feels are a burden to himself and/or others; there's always an asterisk - that he's attached to them - to act as a "yes, but..."

"I'm fortunate that thanks to my upbringing I happen to be well acquainted with formality and what it takes to authentically achieve it for an event. It's a unique kind of direct experience to wield. "Additionally, I deal well with the high level of control and detail-work one must take in a stressful event. "When it comes to work, I absolutely can make decisions. It's only in my personal life where I lack conviction. "And that's most suited in bursts with different people rather than a long-term position in a consistent group. You can easily get sick of someone who needs everything to be 'just so'."

Similar to the weddings he involves himself with as he graduates and gets a career as a wedding planner, there is an ideal final product to work towards, but one he could never conceivably be happy with because he's already starting from a place of seeing himself as someone worthless as an individual. It shapes said final product into something entirely unrealistic, never mind completely unachievable.

As for figuring out a life for himself, that goes hand-in-hand with where he ultimately chooses as his first place to live: Prism Vista City, which Mr. "Definitely Not Sentimental" ends up getting attached to.

"This, ahem, particular location was intended to be only a starting point. I was coming from the complete other side of the country, and I at least knew I enjoyed the area. "I expected to relocate once I had my bearings. It wasn't my intention to linger where I might not be welcomed. "But who could've guessed it was harder to pack up and leave everything behind once you had silly things such as an 'actual apartment in your own name' and a 'real career' tying you down? "Weeks passed, then months, and then, perhaps inevitably, I came face to face with one of the reasons I developed such a positive outlook on this state to begin with. "You know, it never ceases to amaze me. California is directly beside Oregon. I could practically walk there if I was industrious, and stupid, enough. "Despite that, being here is a wholly different experience than what I had being raised in the neighboring state. "Sometimes it seems as if I'm still a tourist. That I don't belong here, and everyone who passes by can smell the otherness on me. "Other days, I have the confidence to think I've found my own place in the world…"

That's one thing that never changes about Baxter in virtually all of his life: the desire to simply belong somewhere. What does change is how he approaches that want.

He wanted to belong with his Golden Grove friends, but fell out with them due to the circumstances and chalked it up to a failure on his part. When he wanted to belong with his Sunset Bird ones, he'd already decided himself that it would never happen to save him from any potential disappointment, and that simply being there for a summer would be enough.

In adulthood, he's given up on such things entirely. No more friends, no more flings, and even his most consistent contact - his parents - have been cut out of his life (though in the latter case, it's for the better).

"What happened, I do exactly… that to everyone who unfortunately crosses my path. "The acquaintances I made at college, dancing partners, the friends I had since childhood; my parents, though, that is an entirely different story. "The point of the matter is, excluding those I interact with regularly due to work, I have no relations whatsoever. That's simply the way it goes."

"To start, I haven't spoken to my parents in, mm, a few years now. That's what I meant when I included them in the list of relationships I haven't maintained. "Don't worry. It isn't a painful topic for me, exactly. Mostly I find it… disappointing. Frustrating? Certainly awkward. "Before I cause too much concern, they've never done anything to intentionally hurt me; my parents have always cared for my well-being. "And I can't deny how much they have done for me - all the opportunities and advantages I had because they provided them. They gave me the best they knew how and- "This is not as nuanced as I might be making it sound. "What a novelty it would be if I could speak favorably of my own family. Can you imagine? "That's not the case, however. "What I am trying to say is that my parents are, on the whole, good to me. And they do love me as their child whom they raised for nearly two decades. "Just as I still feel compelled to give them credit for the minimum, I'm certain they're telling their acquaintances endless excuses for why I'm so distant and unagreeable with them. "They haven't given up on me, in their own way. "But all that does not make them good people. "I can assure you that because they are not good people. I'm merely a rare exception to the unpleasantness. "My parents are selfish- they're sheltered. Even as adults."

"Imagining myself as not their son and not someone they loved seemed meaningless at the time. They did love me and that's what mattered. "Of course, it's not always enough, is it? "If I wasn't theirs, either through birth or adoption, if I was someone else's son, they… would hate me. "I know I'm foolish, on many counts. It took me a long time to realize that them being hypocritical shouldn't reassure me the way it did. "Baxter Ward could have as many 'shortcomings' or 'problems' as he did and it'd be fine because it was 'different' in that case. There were reasons, can't you see? "But they couldn't see that other people deserved the same kind of understanding. "And that some things weren't 'problems' in the first place…"

The true tragedy of it being that it's heavily implied that Baxter's parents did attempt to teach him or at least act in a way that would lead him towards a life without any meaningful relationships, which is what he got when he became an adult but not ever what he truly wanted.

"And their nonsense priorities and concerns are what my parents expected from me! "How ironic that I can finally see the silver lining of my lifelong struggles thanks to them. "If I never realized how poor my connections were, or if I never cared that my relationships were nothing more than associations based on conveniences, maybe I'd have been who they wanted."

Arguably, Baxter is at the most "successful" place in his life: he might not be rich anymore, but he's making his own money with a job that suits him, he has a nice apartment, and he's living comfortably.

Except he's not happy, and convinces himself that it's as good as he's ever going to get. It's both the highest and lowest point of his life.

"Of course, I wouldn't be able to understand the viewpoint of someone willing to commit themselves to another person for the rest of their life. "It's what makes for a good planner. I can get invested just enough in the premise to truly create something special, but I'm not attached to the real relationship. "And I'm not disappointed when it's over. "It's been years since I was careless enough to be hurt by anything. "I'd given up on trying for more than what I already had. Then I told others, and myself, that meant I was always content. But honestly, it made me bitter. "I didn't become the person I wanted to be. I didn't achieve the kind of life I'd hoped for."

He couldn't even maintain his relationship with dance, something he'd adored since he was young and now limits to lessons given to wedding couples.

"In a way, I fell out of love with that passion. "It became tedious and unsatisfying to do it with complete strangers, and I didn't have enough hours in a day to dedicate to a long-term competitive partner any longer. "But perhaps I should've tried harder not to give it up entirely. "How embarrassing… even my choice of hobby revolved around having a serious and understanding relationship with someone else. "The precise matter I've had a lifelong struggle to obtain."

As for the MC, Baxter misses them desperately, but goes about his life as though he doesn't. He's committed to viewing himself as someone who doesn't deserve them and that what he did was the right thing to do.

It would seemingly be "easy" then to let go of anything that reminds him of them, in hopes of either limiting the times that he finds himself thinking back to those moments or steering himself towards moving on, but he can't.

The MC's souvenir (if they gave him one)...

"I am fond of it even now. I've never been able to part with it. But isn't that what souvenirs are for? Keeping for the long term? "I'm being entirely reasonable for holding onto that after thoroughly leaving everything in Sunset Bird behind."

Their number...

"I had your number all along. "Of course, I never looked at it over the years we were apart, but didn't have it in me to delete it either."

Even the khaki shirt he wore during Mountain (if he and the MC were dating at the time and they invited him up to their room)...

"It remains my stolen property to this day."

He keeps all of them, unable to let go of the feelings the MC caused within himself but locking them deep inside rather than addressing them. He has the very method for contacting the MC at any time to reconnect, to explain himself, to apologize, to confirm or reject his own doubts over what happened, but he doesn't out of fear.

"I said it before- my concern was protecting my own feelings. Anything I did to that end felt justified. "The more time and experience let me reflect on my actions, I only became more convinced I should stick to my word and not trouble you further."

"I've also missed you over those five years. "And Terry and Miranda and Cove and that summer in Sunset Bird, but mostly, it was you who I thought of. "During that trip, I did feel wanted. "You made me feel wanted. And… important. "It was exciting and amazing, and felt impossible it could last. The shine would wear off eventually, as always. I didn't want to see it happen. "What if I seemed pathetic for being attached to people I met on a short vacation? You had your real group of friends who lived with you there already. "Or what if you stopped responding to me after realizing I wasn't that interesting? Or why would I have even assumed there'd be a reason to talk to me at all once it was no longer convenient? "I'm aware that's not a kind way to view you, but it wasn't that you'd done something to make me believe it would happen. It's my viewpoint for every situation."

Baxter never once thinks that the MC is a bad person, simply that he is the problem and even the best of people will "understandably" lose interest in him if there's any interest to begin with. As someone who likes control and has been conditioned to stray away from more personal relationships, it's advantageous to him to remain in his self-sabotaging mindset.

It's what he's used to.

"I can't afford to flitter off on vacations whenever the mood strikes the way my parents can, but I have a very comfortable existence. "It's nice, if lonely. "Of course, let's not pretend I have anyone to blame for that other than myself. I ended every relationship I had with my own actions. "It's the story of my life. I want to be liked, but I don't want to be important. "A suitor for a season, the planner at a wedding- it's that kind of role I'm comfortable in. "Perhaps that's why I'm drawn to people who are wanted by everyone else. They don't need me. I can be someone, I can't be 'the one'."

So when his Step 4 begins and the MC unexpectedly shows up back in his life, five years after Baxter expressed confidence that they would never meet again, he can barely handle it. Without his say so, he's being confronted with feelings that haven't faded, and ones he already thinks are ridiculous of him to have considering how short of a time he'd known the MC.

The best he can think to do is to put on an air of professionalism and brush the rest off. He'd already left, not contacted the MC for so long, and had remained determined to never see them again, so he doubles down on it.

"I'm merely an employee of your friends. Please feel free to ignore me entirely."

However, it's not tenable, because Baxter has never been someone with the impulse control to keep him in check. Even in the few days he knows that the MC will be around and then leave afterwards, holding himself back from doing what he wants isn't something he can keep up for that long.

In front of people like Jude and Scott who he doesn't know, it's at least easier, but around someone like Xavier who he has some form of friendlier relationship with (only a day after he'd conveyed to himself and the others that he's nothing more than the wedding planner), he's already dropping stories about the past.

"As soon as it comes to you it appears my reason goes out the window. Along with much of my dignity. "But that is how it is."

"Enjoying myself in your presence is the most natural thing in the world. Frustratingly so, at times. I find myself letting go of more than I intended to."

It's also not that Baxter doesn't want to talk to the MC because, if the MC tries to get him to talk during the ride back from the bakery, he deliberately makes it a game of rock-paper-scissors that they'd be guaranteed to win if they wanted to. He could've shut them down entirely if he didn't care, but he finds a middle ground of technically not agreeing outright while still letting the MC talk to him.

"The petty types of decisions that were best suited to be decided with randomness mattered little to me. "It was far more amusing to see who would use the advantage they had to win and who would be willing to take the loss, and why they seemed to do so. "At the bare minimum I'm not that much of a brat any longer. "As an adult, I use it mainly to get away with not making decisions of my own. Whoever is playing with me has the responsibility to win or lose because what they're up against is preordained. "I don't even need to choose which symbol my hand takes. It's easier that way."

Not that it means he's alright with it either. Baxter is already under the stress of planning a wedding in a matter of days and now has to deal with seeing the MC again, sometimes one-on-one. He doesn't want to be cruel to them, doesn't want things to be so difficult, nor did he want the MC to be "forced" to go with him to the bakery (on a suggestion he couldn't have known would lead to it), but that's what ends up happening.

"I'm not any less immature than I was five years ago, it seems. I've been incredibly rude to you, and that is inexcusable. "You're not unwelcome near me. Of course not. "However, I'm here to plan Jude and Scott's wedding. My priority is that only, and I don't want to get caught up in anything else. "There's no need to reminisce. I hope that's not insulting, it's honestly not meant to be a strike against your character. "You are a lovely person and have many wonderful friends. You don't need me to be an active part of your life."

"I apologize for what happened between us, I honestly do regret it. "I am sorry I hurt you. I am sorry I was unable to keep my word and have bothered you yet again. "I'm thoroughly humiliated and have attempted to get in your way as little as possible. Though I'm unable to quit outright; I couldn't do that to Jude and Scott. "We are both aware that I am fully incapable of making you happy. But in four days you'll return to your life blissfully free of my presence in it. "Please tell me, what can I do for you? I simply don't know…"

It feels terrible for him, but this is the cycle he's gotten himself into: wanting to stick to what he'd done in Step 3 under the belief that the MC would be better off without him, feeling nostalgic for the past to the point where it ends up coming out, behaving distantly as a result and hating himself for it, then apologizing just to do it all over again because he's constantly going against what he actually wants.

"Every time I'm arrogant enough to believe I know what I'm doing and that I'm in control- I don't and I'm not."

"From the moment you walked into that restaurant, my actions were nothing but self-preservation and damage control and, occasionally, reminiscing to an extent I was pleased with. "Yes, I had a 'professional commitment' not to let personal matters impede the work that needed to be done, but my distancing went far beyond that. "In the end, I was using their marriage as an excuse. "If not for that, then there would have been something else. Some trivial reason for keeping you at arm's length. That likely doesn't shock you."

Baxter is essentially shielding his heart from the very thing that would protect him from his own attacks on it. He goes so far that he considers texting the MC directly to be overstepping boundaries (even if it's for work), all after continuing to let go the most whenever he's reminded of times with the MC.

He's aware that he's attached and readily admits as much when it comes time to.

"Even I can admit I wouldn't do this for every client. "And somehow, that makes this worse. It's painfully obvious I have some personal investment, enough to merit this. "More than I intended to be. More than I ought to have. "I wouldn't have done this if you weren't here… "Even though Miranda was the client's sister- "I wouldn't have offered. It'd be overreaching, to do as much as I have. "I've gone beyond the line of pure professionalism more than once already. The cake is the icing on top."

"Well, naturally, it's against my better judgment to make anyone uncomfortable. "Of course, in such a tight spot Jude wouldn't have questioned any help he was offered. "But what would Miranda have thought? And Terry as well? If some strange man they knew long ago was getting that personally involved in their situation? "I wouldn't have crossed that line, no matter how much sympathy I had for Jude's position. "So, where did my confidence come from? Very simply- I thought you would understand. "That I had good intentions, that the odd lengths I went to was merely how I am, that it was okay to let me be involved. And if you did understand, everyone else would as well."

Deep down, he knows that he is not a stranger; that he knows the MC and trusts them on a level deeper than he thought possible before meeting them. The MC brings out the best in him while simultaneously revealing the most vulnerable parts of himself to himself, which gives him all forms of conflicting emotions.

"I… "It's odd, really. I'm the one who left. "And yet I haven't stopped seeing you as someone important to me. Important in my life. "It truly does seem as though everything I did was for no reason at all."

"It's been hard not to feel nostalgic, this past week. We've had quite a stroll down memory lane. Sometimes by happenstance, sometimes because I went out of my way to do so. "I have… fond memories of those days in Sunset Bird. Treasured memories. "Like most treasures, they're things to be taken out and admired from time to time, and then put away again. "Though, some are too delicate for even that. They should never be touched. "This evening is a reprise of something I never wished to relive."

To put it in another way, though Baxter cherishes the time he spent with the MC, anything that brings him back to such times confront him with everything he's tried to avoid.

Yearning for the things he'd tried to put behind him, the what ifs of things going differently, and the doubts of all he's done thus far based on his own conclusions...

"Back then, during my tourist phase, we took that brief trip to the mountains. On a hike, we passed a tree that had fallen across a stream. "If you can picture that, it was as if we were on opposite sides, and I couldn't take the path to you because it looked risky."

Not unlike his fear of the ocean, Baxter's biggest hurdle is that final step past the point of no return: taking the plunge and trusting in his ability to survive.

"It seems endlessly deep and unpredictable, with powerful waves and rapid currents. "And there are creatures lurking in there. Some of them are larger than me. It's unfathomable. You don't play with something like that. "If I enter that water, I'll never return from it. The ocean will swallow me whole. That's what I think."

It's only by the end of the wedding reception that he finally crosses that line and has the epiphany necessary to deal with everything that had happened: the opening of the oven to check the result of a baked cake rather than leaving it a mystery, the flick of the switch to look at a room he'd always kept in darkness prior, and the throwing of himself into deep water and realizing he can still breathe.

"In the past, I spent every moment around other people thinking of the limited span of our acquaintance. As if I wasn't seeing them at all, only the imminent departure. "Our arrangements fell in line with that. A clear timeframe, limited from the outset; predetermined rules set in stone. "It was that way five years ago. It was that way now. "We'd cooperate for a short period in service of Scott and Jude's wedding, and that would be that. I've said as much myself. More than once. "The problem is, as I only recently realized… "I forgot about that. "You see, I thought, completely and earnestly, that I didn't need to speak with you now, here, when I was feeling so… sensitive. "We could simply pick up where we left off later tonight or tomorrow. The fact that we no longer had a 'reason' to interact didn't come up as part of the consideration."

When he wasn't the one setting the rules, when he was the one caught off guard by someone he cared so much about reappearing into his life, when he was forced back into reliving past regrets and under the pressure of facing them all over again when their second/third time together was over, that ended up being when he found what he needed to talk to the MC. That was when he finally had to listen to what his heart was saying rather than constantly denying himself.

Perhaps even most importantly, that was when he had to face the fact that what he did - the suffering he put himself through for five years - had achieved nothing of value, and it's only through acknowledging it that he can keep it from happening again.

"When I left five years ago, that didn't make me happy. When I kept you at arm's length after meeting again, I was unhappy still. "If it doesn't need to be that way, if I was wrong, then… I don't know, honestly. I've never considered it a viable option until moments ago."

"It had been so long since I'd known what it was like to be included, to be around people who'll refuse to let you be left out, no matter how hard you try to weasel out of it. "Terry, Miranda, and Cove were too kind, but it was your gestures specifically that are at the heart of this matter. "Here's the truth: if you didn't ask me to dance again, in the afterhours of another event we helped create like you did then, it would have broken my heart. "That would mean definitively that I lost what we had. "But… if you did ask it would be more painful. Because that would mean- "It would mean even after everything, you hadn't let me go. That you accepted me still. "That you always would have, that I should've believed that all along, that the only thing I've done was hurt you and myself of my own accord. "It's horrible. I didn't want to know one way or the other."

The uncomfortable truth, a placating lie, or the blissful void of not knowing anything at all: those were the choices he had and he finally chose the uncomfortable truth, all for the closure the MC deserves and the potential prospect of a better future if he can only make it past the obstacles he'd set up for himself.

"But I can see now that I'm also wrong for making another decision for you. Even if the conversation went disastrously, you were owed a better explanation and an apology. "You had never asked me to leave you alone, I created that fiction. "I hope you can accept that I did care for you then- I care now. Of course, as ever, none of it counts for much if it's kept entirely to oneself."

"It's… a little hard to approach what I've sowed over the years. So many mistakes. "And even now, when I hope to make things right, to make things last, I'm forced to admit that I'm ignoring the reality of the situation. "This doesn't come down to what I want at all. I don't have the right to put myself before you. I never did."

"I suppose that is the true story of my life: me not understanding a thing and getting it all wrong at every turn. "But rather than dancing around this, I'll say it directly: not trying to stay in touch with you is something I've regretted for a long time. "I will always regret the days I lost, even now that we've reconnected."

That doesn't mean everything is magically fixed, nor that he won't fall into some old habits. He has to catch himself when he automatically excludes himself from the MC's meeting with their moms, and he'll still be apologizing and criticizing himself long after the MC has forgiven him.

"You've never allowed me to wallow in my misery, except for when you had to. When I made you have to because you couldn't get a hold of me. "But when I see you, I'm reminded of what it is like to be seen. "How it feels to have someone who knows you, cares about you, has memories with you, who wants to make more memories together. "And I tried to undo that- "Twice. By keeping you as far away from me as I could."

"Unfortunately, I've yet to think of a good reason why this admission isn't another of my patently bad ideas. It isn't as though I've been thoughtful in return. "I can't stand doing anything in the morning, even if I can pretend to, for my clients. As you know, I can't afford elaborate trips these days. "My only remaining social contacts are limited to the wedding industry, not performative theatre or owners of fancy cars or the like. "I've never been a good partner, even a good friend, to anyone who has crossed my path."

"My few victories were hollow and I'm still sorry I took that out on you at the start of this."

Nevertheless, he has no desire to run away from the MC now, because he never had a desire to run in the first place. He just needed to understand that it was okay to want, and that he wasn't the worthless person he thought he was so he could stop projecting how he felt about himself onto how people feel about him.

This makes way for Baxter to experience a lot of things that most people would have long since had at that point in their lives: he gets excited simply by having a person hanging out at his house, is incredibly pleased to have someone he can be (dance) with, and he's so amazed that he can have these things in his life that he's actively eager to prove to the MC how much he'll be sticking around, to the point of being ready to visit them at the soonest time possible.

"Hallelujah. Admittedly, a part of me was convinced I wouldn't go through with it. What if you thought I had lost my mind to follow you right after we barely reestablished a connection? "But having this last day together, knowing it was the last, was the final push to pursue what I actually wanted."

His story, essentially, is about a fall from issues of self-centeredness just to pendulum swing into ones of self-worth instead. It's about balancing on a tightrope of bringing short bursts of happiness to others while trying not to let his ego take hold of him again. It's about denying himself what he wants and refusing to hear otherwise before finally recognizing that he deserves to be happy.

That's Baxter Ward.

TL;DR:

Baxter starts as an egotistical child - encouraged by his rich parents and the kids constantly impressed by his showing off - but that changes when he obtains genuine friends and learns the value of real relationships.

Realizing that he'd relied only on what his parents had to make connections with people, Baxter doubts his own worth as a person and is unable to imagine that people would feel differently about him than he feels about himself.

Baxter falls out with his friends due to the age gap and not having time for each other, coming to the conclusion that he'd not done anything for them.

Under the belief that he has no inherent long-term value, Baxter goes on flings and seeks to create fun moments with people rather than anything that would require revealing more of himself than he feels is attractive to others; this has the side effect of making him highly critical of himself over even minor mistakes.

Baxter goes to Sunset Bird meets the MC, who (along with the MC's friends) makes him feel a sense that he might actually be someone important to others, which he then actively tries to convince himself out of due to fear of risks/the unknown.

After leaving the MC on no contact, Baxter continues to miss them, but feels like he would only bother them further if he saw them again even if it were just to apologize.

Baxter ends up seeing the MC again in his Step 4 and is confronted thusly by his unfading feelings. This leads him to try and maintain the distance he'd created in an attempt to protect himself, yet he's unable to keep himself from letting loose every now and then because it goes against what his heart wants to push the MC away.

Though horrified by the idea that what he'd done in the past might have been a mistake and preferring (at the start) to go on without knowing, Baxter ultimately reflects on his actions and acknowledges to himself why he's been doing what he's been doing, and that he doesn't want to let the MC go again without laying everything on the table.

#((When you see how long this post is you'll understand why it took me so long jdfkgdfg.))#step: 3 #step: 4 #dlc: baxter #baxter ward #((100% used this ask as an excuse to dump like 95% of Baxter's Bax-story into one post.))#((Hopefully this all makes sense and I didn't just ramble incoherently fjkgjdfg.))

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fumifooms · 6 months ago

Note

Do you think Kui retconned Kabru and Rin as a couple? It seems so strange how Kabru treats her if he views her as a sister

Rin & Kabru relationship analysis

Skip to the keep reading cut if you only want my Kabru & Rin thoughts. Tldr of the preamble is that I don't think Kui retconned anything but I don't think Kabru and Rin were ever meant to end up as a couple, but that doesn't mean that there's no way anything deeper or more complex is happening here. Under the keep reading is my pretty full analysis of Rin & Kabru, which I'll still cover in my full Kabru party analysis eventually.

1) People do debate about whether or not Kui changed her approach to a lot of her characters halfway through the story, Kabru, Thistle and Chilchuck to name some of the biggest ones. I've heard it be an explanation for the shapeshifters even, that it's a meta joke on how characters' old behavior and appearances have now become out of character. I personally believe nothing has been retconned, that all the characters are coherent and, perhaps more importantly, that regardless of later intent the early writing makes the characters more interesting and layered. Not that the idea of there being or needing retcons has no merit at all, for example forest goblins are in-world common knowledge to be found on the second floor, but we also learn later that "goblin" is a slur against half-foots, and knowing Dunmeshi's philosophy about humanoid monsters it's odd that they never ever come up again if they exist. The anime -and iirc adventurer's bible- kept there being goblins on the second floor of the dungeon, so much like Thistle's early appearance I have to believe it's a part of canon that's not meant to be retconned, ie that's canon and accepted as such, with some degree of intent. We do know that the climax of the manga was going to happen differently with what Kui was planning in the earlier manga days, with demon king dunlord Laios, too. Regardless of all this, for better or worse we have what we have now, and we must take it all into account as the whole picture of the work's story, setting and cast– starting to pick and choose what's actually canon from the canon story is just giving up and letting the world burn lol.

2) Kui is fearless when it comes to presenting us with complex layered relationships without feeling the need for them to explain themselves or offering full closure. Marcille canonically sees Falin as a friend. Laios' succubus was undebatably Marcille. Mickbell sees Kuro as family. Were the Touden parents bad parents? Is Maizuru? Is Milsiril? Ambiguity in Dunmeshi's case is a feature and not a bug, and perhaps this short story of Kui's shows why she prefers not to cast moral judgement as a narrator on various acts and characters. There's this very neutral approach to her writing where the cast does its own thing and she just tells us what happens, and as I said closure isn't a given. I've talked about the matter of whether or not Chilchuck's wife accepts him back before, something that bothers and lingers for a lot of readers, but an example that haunts me is Mickbell and Kuro. It's explicitly stated that Mickbell continues to "still being worked hard by Mickbell" after canon, and though we have one hint of how it might get better with Kuro learning common slowly but surely, there's no 1) conclusions as to what their relationship is exactly and 2) discouraging or encouraging framing for it, there's chiding but ultimately whether the relationship is more healthy than it is unhealthy and more salvageable than unsalvageable and "worth it" isn't answered. What happens will happen, and we just have to come to an answer that satisfies us on our own :') Or hey, how Falin only starts finding herself in post-canon! It offers a nice end to her arc in canon of having a very malleable unpresent identity, but it starts another of self-exploration growth that is left open-ended. So, it's not because a relationship feels wrong or unfinished that it wasn't well-written or intended.

3) Kui doesn't lie but characters can. Characters can be unaware of things or even wrong, even with their own feelings, like Chilchuck saying he doesn't care about the party etc etc, or more widely Marcille thinking orcs are scum, or people at large in Dunmeshi believing in a modified truth of history, a version of it without the demon. These can be wrong objectively, but furthermore they can be disproved by the text, the way that Dunmeshi shows us orcs can be communicated with and peaceful etc etc and every character's racism ends up narratively or implicitly discouraged and disproven, kobolds included. The story is told by us through the characters and their actions, so it's their flawed perspective and incomplete information that we have.

So, okay. Relationships are very complex but Kui doesn't tell lies, there's no info or moments that really have been retconned. The reader is left to make their own interpretation of canon.

... OKAY LAST TANGENT but we have to acknowledge something about canon quick too: This is gonna sound ironic considering what I said earlier but while all extras are made to be in-character they're not all canon to the storyline, so to speak. There are sort of three types of extra comics context I can think of, there are comics set in pre or post canon, like the one about the way Marcille was welcomed into Laios' party, or Falin's answer to Toshiro's proposal, which we have no reason to not believe happened in the canon timeline. Daydream Hours extras are exceptions because they're usually looser than Adventurer's bible extras, for example the comic about Milsiril visiting Kabru has a "what if" phrasing to the blurb, implying it didn't happen. Then there are extras set vaguely in time that if during canon could simply happen off-screen, like Chilchuck's extra about hearing the party members going to the bathroom, a lot of monster tidbits also fit into this, which again I have no reason to assume haven't happened. But now we get to the last type, the one set at a precise moment in canon that is impossible. My go-to example is the tidbit about werewolves, it's set during the Laios vs Lycion fight with Kabru present, and those chapters in the story had quite tight plotting, it makes no sense to consider that extra within the reality of that moment, it breaks the tone and story continuity and timespan of the scene, it can't be canon to the canon storyline. This is to say that again, although in every extra the lore is correct and characters are in-character, some extras are not "canon" to the story's timeline and can't have actually happened. And since it happened with one extra that didn't have any disclaimer of being different than any other, it does put other extras' canonity into question a bit too. Ultimately, what we get in the actual manga is above everything else in both relevance and credibility. This is about extra comics, but I don't call into question all the extra info through text we get in character blurbs and about the Dunmeshi world within the Adventurer's Bible at all, especially since it was specifically made to inform us more about canon. This is all just something to keep in mind, when talking about Dunmeshi canon.

Okay, now. In terms of rin & Kabru's relationship, as for what we see of it...

The quickest summary of how they see each other:

Rin's line reflects how she follows him out of worry, thinking that his ambitious manipulating ways will fail him and get him in trouble eventually, and how that worry is out of care and love. Kabru's line... Is more ambiguous, but we'll get into it.

We don't see Kabru and Rin interact a ton, but we do see him bring her up/think of her unprompted this time, which reveals a bit of how he sees her/feels about her and what his priorities are.

He "wants to help her get away somehow", and this out of what? Duty? Charity? Care? The companionship they once shared? Sympathy, knowing how it feels like to be under inadequate care by elves? Kabru is empathetic and wants good for people, cares about people and community, is rather concerned by the greater good instead of individualistic gain etc etc, so this attention isn't necessarily uncharacteristic on its own.

What makes their bond unique is the history between them.

It's implied they spent a lot of time together growing up, which led to Rin wanting to stick with him. Perhaps as some trauma-fueled-bond hero, but in her own words mostly because she's worried he'll get into trouble if he's left alone. She expicitly loves him romantically, started presumably before canon and presumably hasn't stopped by the end of it either.

We see his priorities here. It's notable that besides Rin being the sort of by default second most important kabru party character, she's also the one he thinks of first, understandably since he knows her best. Like above, he speaks very matter-of-factly and coldly about it though, and he seems surprisingly apathetic. It's not the thought of hostages that drives him to eat those monsters and keep strong, it's the thought of learning the mystery of dungeons and how to prevent Utaya tragedies

This moment below may seem like nothing, but it's also pretty telling of their dynamic:

Rin in the moment negatively assumes he's only frivolously interested in Namari, and although Kabru doesn't shut it down instantly with a "this isn't about personal interest" he does imply clearly with "friends" that his intent isn't to woo her (the fantranslation uses the word lovers instead iirc, so the original japanese word might be more revealing. Considering how Kabru sometimes teases Rin and provokes her jealousy on purpose like with the mermaids, it's not impossible the word was an euphemism). Rin ambiguously disbelieves this and/or disapproves. It does feel like Kabru keeps this sort of persona air when answering her, so it's not entirely hard to understand- it's true he was keeping his real reasons and intent secret: only later on does he give his party the "Laios party" spiel and mention Namari was part of it.

This can also be seen as an example of the chaperone "big sister" effect of her nagging, and of her recurring bad faith towards him. Rin chastises Kabru for behavior and stances that are understandable, like telling him he shouldn't just smile and gloss things over when being belittled, but she does have the habit of being easily jealous and lashing out because of it. But again, if you see it from her stance, your childhood friend always thinks he an handle everything alone and acts like he has the fate of the world resting solely on his shoulders, and he keeps shutting you out and leaving you to guess for his intentions, and being someone under his leadership on top of a friend makes this more alarming and frustrating. Loving him as you do, knowing him for as long as you have, you'd wish Kabru was open with you and that'd create frustration.

Yet despite everything there's trust here. There's familiarity and a degree of comfort, even when Kabru always refuses to fully open up. A promise from Kabru means something to her, it's worth something, she does trust his word and morals even when she knows he can be dishonest. She's used to Kabru, and through thick and thin she wants to be there to support him in his goals and look after him.

But below, his priorities are reaffirmed. He literally pushes her out of his way in that first page, to get to laios who represents his goals, and then figuratively by brushing her off. I think it's very interesting that the look her gives her feels alike to the look he gives Laios shortly before, those sort of empty eyes. They make me think it's his mask-on "business mode" look, and when it's a matter of business things have gotten serious and he will not entertain irrelevant matters. Like Rin's feelings. My first instinct's always been that his look at her meant a resounding "shut up", but it's true it could also easily be a "come on, catch up", especially since he goes on to explain that they mustn't have meant harm in the first place.

It's not only the look that's cold though, because you'll remember, "catching the culprits" was the promise Kabru made to her, the one she trusted that made her agree to their party's plan at all in the first place. Even though the phrasing wasn't precise on that front, by giving up on confronting or punishing Laios' party at all he's breaking his promise, and doing so very dismissively.

It's the distance of it, in how cold he is to her, how distant from him and pushed away by him she feels. It seems to say that yes, the teases he does are meaningless bones he throws at her, the moments they share are below him and below his goals, this is what's important to him and this is how Kabru wants to treat her when push comes to shove. With harsh chiding of his own and then calm explanations, as if while she's heartfelt with him he's indifferent with her.

Although, like how in the end he doesn't want to kill Laios despite it being the safe choice, there's much to say on wether or not he would actually throw her under the bus in the end even if cornered. He always steels himself for the worst, but he's also more talk than bite when it comes to truly being effortlessly ruthless and he prefers to find peaceful and humane solutions. In the end though, the hostage situation more or less tips the scale both ways, even if it'd be easy to say he was simply hiding his concern.

Okay and now to quicken things up this is where I start dividing interpretations as "good faith" as in believing Kabru's explanation that he has a strictly sisterly attachment to her, vs "bad faith" where there is potential for considering romantic interest on his end.

To start with the least questionable:

"We're talking about how cute your smile is, Rin." Good faith: He's complimenting his friend, wants her to not feel insecure, wants her to feel more confident and likeable desirable, because he's nice or because he cares about her. It does make her happy in the end, after all. Knowing it would, he might even have said it just to demonstrate his point to Mickbell with her reaction. Bad faith: You know she likes you, isn't this weird to go out of your way to say? He's not lying exactly, but they were moreso talking about her attitude around smiling, and he could just as easily have deflected or said "Oh, nothing much". Bringing up her appearance or how cute she is could also have made her self-conscious, she's not really the kind that likes public attention- but he knows her the best and it shows, after all. In the end, it doesn't sound like something you'd just tell someone you know pines after you that you want to turn down or discourage from pursuing you.

"When she furrows her brows, I assume she's smiling inside" is also weird to me. Sure she does have this weird situation with emoting going on, but claiming Rin is never angry is factually wrong and always dismissing that anger feels belittling. But this approach to reading Rin and interacting with her would explain why he always teases her, I suppose.

But this is kinda what I mean when I say they are close, in a way, the way he knows how she is with smiling, the way he's comfortable saying things like this to her despite not being someone you just have to interact with occasionally. There IS familiarity there IS intimacy, it's just odd and inconsistently applied.

Kissing her: Good faith: This is an urgent dangerous situation and kissing her is the quickest and most direct way to shut her up, which in his situation he does not have the luxury of time or ressources to think through solutions better. We don't fully know the details of incantation magic's workings, had he slapped his hand over her mouth maybe her lips could have continued moving and chanting so she could have still finished her spell, compared to kissing where it stop both lip movement and sounds from coming out. Plus, kissing her has the added effect of heavily shocking her. In a 'what if' bluray bonus comic Kabru's party faces shapeshifters and he suggests everyone get naked as a quick solution, so it is implied there too that physical intimacy and privacy aren't something he puts above practicality. Bad faith: Gag her. Hell, shove your finger down her throat. 'Master of human anatomy and psychology' here decided he had no other choice than kissing her. In that 'what if' extra I mentioned, Kabru did find another much less practical way to deal with the shapeshifters and went through with that instead, knowing no one would be happy getting naked. Also "It's too bad she looks like a monster", hello what? Neutral: Perhaps he chose, because either way in any case he did choose to, to kiss her precisely because he's mr. master of psychology, because knowing it was Rin he decided kissing was the best approach specifically because it's her, knowing it'd shock her etc etc, regardless of it being tactful or not or if it'd hurt her or even encourage her love for him.

"It's too bad she looks like a monster." Good faith: It's a neutral enough statement that he could mean a couple of different things with it, including wishing he could see her reaction better or speak with her more easily. If we go with the "I wish I wasn't kissing her as a fishman" angle, well, he really hates monsters to a traumatized degree so pseudoincest may be preferrable over monsterfucking. Fair enough. Bad faith: The fantranslation translates it as "it's a shame" instead of "it's too bad", which does lend itself to a less neutral reading, but wether that's reliable and telling or not would depend on the original japanese sentence of course. He could have meant "I wish she looked like anything else but a monster", but "I wish she (at least?) looked like herself when I kissed her" is the most direct interpretation, and then, well. That's pretty damning. To me it sort of feels odd that'd have been the phrasing if that was the case, especially since Kabru especially has noticeable reactions to monsters like shaking, horrified faces and dramatic thoughts. This is his internal thoughts and "Too bad she looks like a monster" feels very casual- the same type of casual that he has when deflecting not being interested in Namari to Rin, aka him being more playful. "I wish she looked like herself when I had to kiss her", like man. Okay. There's a lot of leeway you can give him but it's still odd.

Good faith: ??? I do struggle with this one. A friend of mine has the interpretation that this is an epic own of sorts, that by "always like this" Kabru meant "unable for me to hear you" so he likes not hearing what she says. Reardless, wether his assumption is accurate or not, Kabru is taunting/teasing when he says "look at me, not the mermaids", to what could have very well been just Rin noticing his staring and telling him to focus, and "You'd be cute if you were always like this", and like always he's very casual as he does it, says it like it's nothing, so it could mean nothing deeper. Bad faith: Why do you have to say any of this, what do you think it accomplishes, this counts as flirting in most books. It doesn't make her mood better, it doesn't shut her up, so I can only imagine Kabru simply enjoys doing this, it entertains him for one reason or another. Why do you keep calling her cute why is this a pattern that is forming. Neutral: Presumably, Rin is also unable to hear him since they all wear the earplugs. This would mean that beyond his gesturing, his words aren't meant for her to actually hear.

So.

My honest reaction:

Kabru what is this............. Huh. Kabru. What do you mean

The issue

It's less intimidating when analyzing each piece of interaction one by one to slowly form a wider picture, but it's still quite the puzzle. Because ultimately, what he feels for her aside, he is both pushing her away and encouraging her crush on him. He is both keeping her out and leading her on. He is both trying to keep a distance and throwing her bones to latch onto. And huh. Why though.

He's too socially savvy not to know Rin likes him right? Right? He even teases her about being jealous. He has to. He hassss to. And then obviously he has no intent of reciprocating. Especially since he's a huge flirt with anyone and Rin makes it clear she feels jealous.

Then, it feels kinda cruel...? You don't have to flirt, or taunt her because you know she likes you, and blow her off like that without ever having a serious talk. And like I said, shove your finger in there instead of kissing her. Did he do it because he prefers her being kissed over her puking? Was it out of pity? Throwing her crumbs of attention? Is him wanting her out of the elves' grasp just pity? Is it soooo easy for Kabru to tease her and kiss her despite having no feelings of his own, borderline mocking how deeply she loes him and what it means to her? Is doing all this "for her sake" too, like bringing her along was? Just. Free Rin. Free Rin of this.

In the end, what side of "does Kabru like Rin or not" you fall on pretty much depends on wether you favor a consistent "good faith" reading or a consistent "bad faith" reading, which impression you got while reading. But I hope I was able to show that both sides have reasons to think it and both are coherent interpretations of canon, neither are just being dense or difficult for the sake of it. A Kabru interpretation differs almost person to person. Personally I think the ambiguity itself is telling, which is why I usually land with a weird ambiguous situationship characterisation with them, they're a third secret thing and Kabru's feelings for her are complicated imo. He doesn't love her but he doesn't not love her etc. Dungeon Meshi largely lets the reader come up with their own interpretations of details, Kui herself said interpreting characters however is readers' freedom, and the story also avoids romance in general.

Although, there's debate as to wether he even leads her on at all, and personally I think it's pretty undeniable regardless of his intent, if anything even just going by effect.

All I can safely say is that this is not the behavior of someone smartly turning someone down.

Potential 'why's

BUT you could almost say he's purposefully trying to hurt her by being jokingly flirty and casual about it all, which could be to push her away and discourage her from pursuing him, wether it be for her sake or his own. It is a ship post, but I explore this stance a bit in my previous kabrin post if you're interested and unafraid of shippy brainstorming.

Or, inversely, maybe to him leading her on is a way to spare her feelings. Maybe he feels guilty about her liking him, or maybe he feels like he has to repay her somehow. Where his behavior when teasing her in early canon is rather provoking, most often I'd call his demeanor towards her placating if anything. We do see that Kabru prefers letting people down easy, except when shit is serious in the dungeon I guess, and he tries not to rattle people.

Personally, my favorite niche reading is I think it's his way of avoiding confrontation. He doesn't want to lose her, so he gives her just enough hope to hold onto so she'll keep following him, unknowing that Rin follows him out of a sense of duty of her own rather than romantic hope, because he always underestimates people's like of him like Laios does, assumes that people like him less than they seem because even when they do it's a version of him that's tailored to be likable. So he does this to keep the status quo going and keep her interested without having to reciprocate or commit.

I do think he also takes her for granted a bit. "Whenever she frowns I imagine it's a smile instead" what are you talking about. Like I said earlier, it feels weirdly dismissive and belittling to treat her anger as if it was something else, even assuming it to be joy- and there's merit to calling the anger Rin often shows a misdirected feeling, because yes, it's out of worry and care and love and she has a hard time emoting outside of a harsh-seeming scope etc, but is this what's going on here? His words leave me equally intrigued and concerned.

And like, her caring anger coupled by her nagging and scolding and looking after him unconditionally, I'm sure she does frustrate him sometimes and makes him feel stifled especially with his background at Milsiril's, making the big sister comparison very understandable... ... BUT THEN WHY LEAD HER ON.

What he could feel

Okay so first of. "She sort of feels like how it'd be like to have a big sister" and "I see her as a sister, I strictly see her as if we shared family ties and she was the blood of my blood" are different. Kabru being like "Man, I wished she looked like herself when I had to kiss her" does not feel like a brother-sister thing to me, personally.

But hey, going with the opposite angle too- "She's like a sister to me" can be an easy shorthand to say "I care about you but I don't see you romantically or sexually at all" and it can be "you are deeply important to me and our bond would remain no matter the distance or time we are apart" and even "I can't imagine my life without you (no romo)". In many languages like french, the word soulmate instead literally translates as 'sister soul', as in a twin soul etc etc-. A husband and a wife, too, are family. This is to say that both familial love and romantic love can run very deep, with a similar intensity just in a different nature, platonic or romantic. Kabru doesn't necessarily feel very strongly towards Rin even with the sister angle, but what I'm saying is that if it isn't just a catchphrase to let Rin down easy, whether something he would tell Rin or just something he tells himself, then it's not entirely out of the question Kabru would mix up the nature of that affection he feels for her. Maybe being childhood friends, he thinks it makes sense for it to be what he feels for her. I don't think this is necessarily farfetched because we see that Kabru neglects his own needs heavily for the sake of his goals, he doesn't recognize or acknowledge his needs for social connections or things like sleeping, cooking and keeping his living quarters orderly. I think it's in character for him to dismiss outright that he could be in love with someone, and even for him to suppress it, because he can't let anything be more important to him than preventing more Utaya tragedies. If you subscribe to the idea that Kabru wanted to be Laios' friend at the back of his mind, this is in line with that.

Regardless of the "truth"/intent, I agree Kabru treating 'his sister' Rin the way he did in canon is really mega major weirdo of him though.

He sees her as a sister, or he believes he does. With a romantic angle, it could mean: Denial, repression, having a bond that feels as deep and immutable. Leading her on because: wanting her near but still pushing her away, being interested and scared to admit it, thinking he shouldn't let himself have this, not interested but still wanting the safety net of her.

Again with my own interpretation, I think he loves her the way one loves a safety net. What I and others may mean when we say that we think Kabru doesn't love her but he also doesn't not love her. I think this is why he's both taking her for granted and caring, dismissive and considerate, her "brother figure" but also the guy who will flirt with her without a second thought. A safety net the way one is comforted by a big sister mayhaps, who's disapproving yet always unconditionally there to help. But family and comfort are so closely tied together, it's unsurprising they get entangled sometimes, a lot of behaviors can be seen as both romantic and familial and it's just a matter of the facts and perspective, because in the end what they are both is loving- and canonically, Rin loves Kabru romantically and Kabru cares for Rin like a sister.

Conclusion

I've said before that I think you can call them each other's best friend and that that's sad, and I stand by it. I think it's easy to argue that Rin is the one who knows Kabru best currently in his life, and the reverse is true for Kabru knowing Rin best. It's lonely, for both of them I think, Rin's kind of tough love is not working for him and Kabru is not filling Rin's emotional needs.

The reason why Kabru might feel like he has to get Rin out of the elves' grasp is because she has no one else, at least no one else that was deemed important enough to have been referred to or implied at all. And Rin calls him out for his shallow behavior and his unhealthy habits. They're close enough and weirding others around them enough that people like Mickbell notice when they heatedly do their song and dance and argue but hey, this is just another monday, and how Mickbell asumes she cleans his place up for him because that's what intuitively makes the most sense- it's the first thought, the most intuitive. Rin would do anything for Kabru and devotes herself to helping him, after all.

Reminder that this is the guy we're talking about:

I think her concern is worried tbh, he doesn't know what a DUST CLOTH is and he's pretty unhealthy, forgetting to eat and drinking to go to sleep, overworking himself. He'd easily work himself into an early grave. He neglects himself. I've said before in my Kuro x Kabru post that I think Kabru focuses so much on the bigger picture and saving the world that he forgets that he himself is important too, that he's truly special to some people, that he's even some people's hero, not just the world's, and I think to a degree it's good that Kabru has someone there to ground him and scold him when he's being thoughtless or overthinking, to try to show him that he's loved and valued, in her own way which he claims to understand so well like he does her smiles.

Kabru's a character where fan interpretations especially differ, he's hard to read when it comes to the details, so his relationship with Rin is very much a grey zone, especially when trying to precisely pin it down. I think though that it is a mistake to say that Rin isn't special to him in some shape or form.

I talk about human connections as a big theme of Dunmeshi sometimes, as this thing everyone needs but may deny themselves or deny that they do need and want, and Kabru and Rin are part of that theme, to me.

Post-canon, Rin and Kabru continue to see each other, presumably semi-regularly, which is an implication from an extra that we don't get with the other Kabru party members. They stay in touch, because what tied them together was never work but a personal tie.

This ask took long af to write up but it's gonna make my Kabru party analysis easier later yay. Little preview of the chart i made.

I'll remind that Mickbell and Kuro's relationship is also stated to be of a familial nature. Contradictions aren't always mistakes, people are made of them! Just like how ambiguity can be a narrative tool, complexity and dissonance can be a feature and not a bug.

#Ask #Spoilers #Dungeon meshi manga spoilers #Dungeon meshi #Kabru of utaya #Rinsha fana #Kabrin #Meta #Analysis #feel free to argue in my notes this is a very layered and subjective topic and i guess not everyone sees his behavior as flip flopping #just don't expect me to reply i feel like i was pretty extensive here #hm wait i should have swapped the red or green with the blue in my chart for colorblind folk i'm stupid #well i did again lose all my files with my ipad breaking so this is what we got ig...!#i need a smoke after this kabrin kabrin you are so wtf. (I do not smoke)#ask asked on the 14th #btw in my head after all is said and done here I do see them as just staying friends forever and mellowing out with time becoming normaler #the preamble is very much Fumi Rambles but not the second half so i won't tag ig. why do i take this so seriously #Kui did go out of her way to make Kabru weird about Rin. Narratively and behavioraly these did not need to happen

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ineffable-suffering · 2 years ago

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Why Aziraphale is an unreliable narrator

Part 2: The Story of wee Morag

This is Part 2 of 3 total metas. Here are:

Part 1, in case you want to read about my analysis of the Story of Job first

and Part 3, in case you're impatient and want to jump ahead.

Fair warning though, for the sake of understanding some of the references, you're probably better off reading this chaptered meta chronologically. However, every part should work just as well as a standalone! I'll do my very best to make it so.

Alright, off or on you go beyond the cutty cut!

I'll start this second part off with a very brief summary of the main take aways and points from Part 1, which go as such:

Memory, as opposed to a third party's narration, is not a factual, objective retelling of a story or event. It's mingled and mangled with emotions, imaginations and exaggerations, projecting both the feelings and impressions you had back then as well as those you might have now in the present time back on whatever it is you are remembering. (Which is why we need to put everything that Aziraphale is remembering into the context of what he might have felt in the past, as well as what he's feeling right now.)

While this doesn't mean his (or anyone's) memories are lies, it does mean they're a very subjective and sometimes factually distorted representation of what actually happened, which, in our case, gives us a lot of subtext and a lot of not-there furniture to figure out and look at.

So, let's continue with S2E3 and the Story of wee Morag. We start our flashback with a scene of Aziraphale writing his diary entry on the 10th of November, 1827. Immediately, it's firmly established that this is once again not an outside-point-of-view narration, but rather what Aziraphale remembers and wrote down.

One thing that immediately stuck out to me here, is how helpful and kind Crowley is to Elspeth, pretty much from the very beginning when they meet her in the graveyard. Not only does he take on a Scottish accent so she won't perceive him as English (as she does with Aziraphale), but he also helps her drag the barrel that has the fresh body in it and, in the end, even pulls it all by himself while Elspeth simply follows behind them. Here's a rather poor-quality picture, for reference:

Now, we know that despite not showing it very often, Crowley has always been very fond of the humans and never really put himself on a pedestal simply because he's an immortal being himself. He likes humans, just like Aziraphale does. But, just like this story will tell us, Crowley knows that on top of liking humans, you can't just put them into boxes of good and evil and expect them to always do what is supposedly the "right" or "divinely good" thing to do. (Which is what differentiates him from Aziraphale in the way he understands and treats them, as we're shown in this minisode).

Him immediately and unspokenly helping Elspeth with dragging the barrel therefore might also be a first sign of a tiny projection from present day Aziraphale, as opposed to what Crowley might have actually done (probably just walked beside her, like Aziraphale) because he has the knowledge that Crowley really was so very kind to her in the end, wasn't he? And that he's kind to humans in general. ("Not kind! Off my head on Laudanum!" Sure, babe.)

Most of this minisode, in my opinion, is actually there to establish how Aziraphale's view of morality and good vs. evil used to be quite flawed and elitist –– and how Crowley has always been there to gently nudge him towards questioning his black and white view of heavenly right and hellishly wrong. That's why I think there's not as many hints in this minisode about Aziraphale's memories not being an accurate portrayal of what happened, as there are in the Story of Job or the magic show in 1941. (And, fear not, the latter will definitely be the most hint-heavy one). Alas, there's still a few bits and bobs in the Story of wee Morag that stuck out to me, that make a brief yet good case of the whole unreliable narration thing.

First of all: The way Aziraphale describes all of it in his diary is so different from the way we see him actually remembering it. It's almost like he tried to write this entry (and possibly all of his diary) as a bit of a thrilling short story, with himself as the main character. Which makes sense, given the fact that he adores books and would certainly be keen on dabbling in the art of capital-w Writing himself. It's yet again hinting at the fact that sometimes people (and angels) try to polish and bedazzle stories (and memories) to make them seem more exciting and adventurous, often to distract from the not-so-fun parts of it.

Like when Aziraphale's diary narrates:

"It was with heavy heart we arrived at Elspeth's destination. I was determined to thwart her monstrous plan!"

... and yet we see Crowley and Elspeth casually walking down the alleyway, very obviously not heavy-hearted in the slightest, while Aziraphale nervously scurries on behind them, very obviously not determined to thwart. (Timestamp-wise, it's around 17:38 in S2E3, in case you want to see for yourself.)

We get another cinematographic/auditory hint at the fact that Aziraphale's memory is heavily influenced by what he's feeling that very moment, when Dr. Mister Dalrymple –– FRCSE, thank you very much –– shows him the tumor he removed from the seven year old boy. You can see the shock and horror on Aziraphale's face once he learns of this child's cruel fate. We then proceed to hear Mr. Dalrymple's voice grow sort of echo-y and far away as the sad music swells up and drowns out his voice almost completely. It's awfully similar to what it feels like when really horrible news are broken to you and you dissociate and drift into a state of shock. Here's the clip of it, so you may listen for yourself:

It's clear that this is a very subjective portrayal of what Aziraphale is going through during this part of the memory. He's deeply horrified and saddened about the little boy having passed away so early in life – and we hear and feel this shock with him. Through him, because this is his memory. Whatever it is he's feeling and thinking, we're feeling and thinking it too because we're seeing it through his lense.

Another (less sad) hint at a possible exaggeration is the abnormally deep hole Crowley makes the two graveyard watch keepers fall into. I'm pretty sure he's very much in charge of his miracles, making this random slip-up seem a little silly – which is why I'm also pretty sure the "Might have slightly overdone it on that hole" is a wee bit of a meta hint at this just being another one of Aziraphale's dramatic bedazzlements of this story. For the *flings feather boa around neck* drama!

You know what else might be exaggerated? Hm, I dunno, maybe Crowley growing into the size of a tree for no apparent reason. Sure, yes, he's pretty high on Laudanum which is making him a bit loopy. But apart from that, it does seem an awfully big cinematographic euphemism for him being the metaphorical (and, once again, for the drama of it) literal bigger person in this scenario. He's the one who ends up saving Elspeth and who manages to secure a safe life without poverty and grave robbing for her. While Aziraphale was so tangled up in his own moral journey and main character-ism, missing that wee Morag was seconds away from death already, Crowley is the one who actually ends up growing stepping up for the human in need and saving them for good (pun intended).

In a way, it might just be Aziraphale's view of/feelings for Crowley in this very moment. Watching the demon outgrow what, according to Aziraphale's heavenly logic, is supposed to be a foul fiend, bestowing evil upon humanity – and growing into someone who does the exact opposite and saves Elspeth instead. Another larger-than-life character development, in Aziraphale's eyes. Literally.

Let's switch back to the topic of the diary entry one last time, so I can make my final point of the this minisode's unreliable and a smidge over-dramatic narration of Dr. McFell. If you pay close attention, Aziraphale starts the entry we're all getting to experience with: "Last month, Crowley and I both happened to be in Edinburgh." Which means it didn't actually happen on the 10th of November, but rather at some point in October, 1827. Once we see Crowley get hydro-pumped back to Hell after rescuing Elspeth, the minisode ends with, presumably, the last sentence of Aziraphale's diary entry: "And that was the last I would see of Crowley for quite some time."

Take my hand and let's look at where the furniture isn't: This very clearly means that Crowley couldn't have been gone for more than a month, at best. Read again: "It happened last month and that was the last I would see of him for quite some time." This, albeit indirectly, clearly implies that when Aziraphale had sat down to write the diary entry, he had already run into Crowley again. Otherwise his phrasing would have probably been more along the lines of "... and I haven't seen Crowley since" or "... and Crowley has yet to return from wherever it is Hell's currently keeping him".

What's the point I'm trying to make? Good question. I guess my main point of storyteller Aziraphale being a bit over-dramatic in his narration is simply backed up by this, since A Single Month would barely pass as "quite some time" for an immortal being like him. And yet that's how he puts it, in his little Confidential Journals of A.Z. Fell, Vol. 603.

And another point that has absolutely nothing to do with the topic of this meta (but I'm still gonna make it 'cause this is my memory post): The meeting at St. Jame's Park in 1862 that so many, post-S2, took to be their first run-in after the Story of wee Morag, actually wasn't that at all. They saw each other at least once only a month later, as Aziraphale's diary lets us know. Which explains why he wasn't very surprised or concerned when he met Crowley in London, 1862. If there really had been 35 years in between those two events, the first one ending with Crowley being sucked back Downstairs to receive more than three decades worth of hellish punishment, wouldn't Aziraphale have been at least a tiny bit worried or more interested than:

Just saying.

Alright, let's string this inflated hot air balloon of a post back together so we can outline some invisible furniture. This time with only two humble points:

Crowley through Aziraphale's lense Backed up by how we are introduced to Bildad the Shuhite in the Job minisode (suave, cheeky, smart, passionate in shoemaking and obstetrics), it's growing quite clear that Aziraphale's memories and impressions of Crowley are very fond and impressed ones. He sees him as someone who's not only witty, funny and cool, but also as someone who has figured out way sooner and faster than him that nothing's ever black and white. Not God's plans and not the human's choices either.

Aziraphale as a bit of an exaggerating adventure author With the direct parallel we get of inkslinger journalist!Aziraphale in the present day, it's quite apparent after this minisode that Aziraphale's memory is not only deeply influenced by his emotions, but that he also tends to have a bit of a dramatic touch to him. Although, you gotta give it to the guy: A month without seeing the love of your life, even if said life is eternal, can indeed seem like "quite some time".

Well, would you lookie here, we've reached the end of Part 2! What a journey it was. I hope you forgive me for the fact that I drifted off-course a few times. I just can't seem to reel in my silly little observations, even if they've got nothing to do with the point I'm trying to make. But hey, doesn't that just make me a little bit like Aziraphale's storytelling, in a way?

I'll let you be the judge of that.

See you in Part 3! And in case you haven't snuck a peak yet: here's Part 1 again.

Ta!

#good omens #good omens season 2 #gos2 #go2 #good omens 2 #good omens meta #ineffable husbands #aziraphale #crowley #good omens analysis #aziraphale is a storyteller #but not a very accurate one #story of wee morag #my own meta #aziraphale the Drama Queen #shakespeare who #unreliable but beloved story teller aziraphale

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meimi-haneoka · 1 year ago

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Cardcaptor Sakura Clear Card Special Chapter: Comments and Analysis

WELCOME BACK, CCS FAAAAAAAAAAAANSSS!!!!!

Oh my god 3 months went already by from that December 1st and chapter 80, didn't they?? Feels like yesterday 🙈But we're finally here, finally ready for the release of the definitive, last SPECIAL CHAPTER of Cardcaptor Sakura Clear Card!!!! After this, no more CCS for at least a while!!

Why do you see me so euphoric?? WELL, THERE IS MORE THAN ONE VERY GOOD REASON 😂 But let's not jump the gun and let's introduce this post properly: this time around, I won't be posting pictures to "illustrate" the analysis/commentary, because this special chapter was treated differently from the other ones. It didn't get, in fact, a free release on CLAMP's Youtube channel, in any language, and wasn't even uploaded for digital purchase on Comic Days like all the rest of the chapters. The only way to obtain it was via the April issue of Nakayoshi, either with the physical or digital version. Since it is clear to me their intention to keep this gem of a special chapter away from the internet jungle, and since lately I used only the screenshots from Youtube to illustrate my analysis, this time around I won't be posting anything (aside from the color page, which was released by the official account themselves).

AND! I won't be mixing analysis and summary, because I have already conveniently prepared some screenshots with a detailed summary of the chapter for the people who were curious to know, but didn't get to see the chapter yet or did see it but couldn't read Japanese. I have already posted these screenshots on my Twitter account, and I'll put them here too under the cut (please don't repost them around or in other social media), so you can immediately get a broad view on the content of the chapter (I don't have to point out translation mistakes, haha 😅), and then, afterwards, I'll write my commentary. And there is SO MUCH to say!!

But before starting, we can't break the tradition right at the LAST ROUND of our chapter commentaries, right?? So off we go, with the GIF OF THE MONTH!!

Yes, I think this is the GIF that can represent this chapter the most. 😂

The Color Page

This special chapter is composed of 33 pages, and of course I can't avoid starting my commentary precisely from the color page!!

I admit it, I hoped for a color spread with the four main characters of Clear Card (hence, including Kaito and Akiho too), but since the other two appeared with their own color page just in chapter 79, we'll gladly take this single color page with SyaoSaku too!! ❤️ The JP text reads "We've been together till now, and we will always be! Featuring a long-awaited special chapter!!" Syaosaku look absolutely adorable....and so, so happy!! Looking at us, from a wreath made of cherry blossoms, of course dressed in their image colors pink and green, in a "pair look"...I think their shiny smiles conquered the hearts of the entire fandom (saw many comments about it) and it is certainly a perfect introduction to a chapter that is, indeed, completely made of this happy, leisurely, warm atmosphere. I feel like it tastes even better, after all the anxiety they made us go through, right? I'm pretty sure that was CLAMP's goal all along, giving us this little reward after all the hard situations they've put their characters through. This color page looks like Sakura and Syaoran are saying "goodbye" to us, holding their hands in a lover's hold, but seeing them so cute and happy definitely soothes the sad feeling 🥲 Until we meet again...hopefully!

Letters From Around The World

But it's when the chapter starts that we get our first surprise: the time skip is of one entire year!!! We left our little heroes at the end of the first year of Tomoeda Middle school, ready to go in spring break and then start the second year...here, Sakura says she's in her spring break of the next year, ready to become a 9th grader!!! I almost couldn't believe they actually went that far, I knew from CLAMP's podcast that there was a timeskip, but I expected just some months! Although....I have to say the characters don't look that different, Mokona said she made them a tiny bit older and she kept true to that, because it's barely visible! 🤭 But if you compare them with how they looked at the middle of the story, of course the difference is visible.

I was so happy to see that the chapter started right away with a letter from Akiho: a letter or a videocall was definitely among the type of content I wanted to see in this chapter, because of course I still was quite preoccupied about the difficult journey Akiho and Kaito embarked on, so I wanted to see how they were faring. The amount of letters Sakura accumulated over the span of this year tells me that they moved around quite a lot, and she had always something to share with her "long-distance sister" 🤭 Kero praising Akiho's skills and even feeling some sort of "reverence" for her insane talent to find all the crazy and rare books was so funny and nice!! 😂Sakura is adorable, feeling all proud about the talent of her "sister" 🤭 Loved that they actually mentioned the place where Akiho and Kaito are currently at!! (cause they didn't reveal where they'd go first, in chapter 80, and I guess we'll never know). I appreciated SO SO much that they let us see that Akiho didn't drop, but actually continued to practice her sewing skills like she was doing before everything went down the drain with the Alice in Clockland play: moreover, finding out later that this skill is also helping her greatly with the true ambition of her life made me incredibly satisfied. How cute of her to send outfits for Kero and Suppy, even from far away??

I was quite surprised to find out that Akiho sends all the rare books to Eriol, and then laughed my as* off at Kero saying he's selling them off (the way Kero phrases it in JP makes it look a QUITE shady activity 😂). This shows there's a continued collaboration between the "group" in England and YunaAki, and it's very nice. They're not only "taking" support from Eriol, Akiho also does return the favor, providing Eriol with the books he needs.

And then....got really emotional to know that Kaito wrote a letter to Sakura, back when they left one year ago 🥲 I DID feel like some kind of acknowledgement or apology from Kaito to Sakura was missing from chapter 80 (but honestly, with everything they had to explain, where they could fit that?) and so this little mention completely fixed that sense of "he made a mess and barely managed to apologize to Akiho before leaving". Kaito isn't an ass*ole so of course he would've done something like that, and a letter seems perfect for an introvert boy of few words like him. I imagine the letter wasn't really long either. The little moon on the sealing wax...❤️The fact that Sakura is storing that single letter together with Akiho's letters in a specific box makes me almost cry. She cares for those two so, so much! 😭 Sakura wishes to receive more letters from Kaito and I really hope he will open up to her along the way, because he could benefit ENORMOUSLY from her advices and perspective! Also THANK YOU CLAMP for giving us a little "still" of those two next to eachother from the moment when they were leaving Tomoeda, with the suitcases and all 🥲that last faraway shot of all four of them together in chapter 80 was so great, but I wanted to see them like this too!

The SyaoSaku Date

Aaaaaand then we get to the long awaited, craved, coveted SYAOSAKU DATE!!! 🤣 I can't count how many people I've seen wishing for this....to be honest I was going to be ok with any kind of sweet moment between the two, but gotta admit that a carefree afternoon watching a stage play and then taking refreshment at a café gives this sense of normal, complete fun that was missing a bit for them. They are dressed in a very fancy way (loved that Sakura isn't wearing her usual long one-pieces but something different, with puff shorts! A sign of her growing up?) and even though they're not exactly wearing a "pair look" (too corny, maybe?), they are well matching eachother's outfits. And of course we find out that Tomoyo made Sakura's cute outfit and even the decorations on Syaoran's collar! The fact she was the one asking Syaoran to wear them at the date is kinda funny, like some sort of guidance into looking like a couple, thanks to the matching decorations! Tomoyo really takes care of everything....yes....everything. 🥲 The mention of Sakura's wedding dress of course made me go "OH MY GOD" and made me realize that if Tomoyo is already mentioning that.......we aren't *that* far away from that day (I always imagined SyaoSaku marrying early, since they're soulmates and got together so young!! 😆). Truly an emotional, sweet moment that was reinforced by Tomoyo's tender expression in the flashback. Her resolution to devote herself to learn to design even normal everyday outfits, or date outfits, everything that could accompany her dear Sakura everyday, reminded me that Tomoyo found her very own way to be with Sakura, and she's perfectly content with that. Tomoyo's happiness is seeing Sakura happy, and she will do anything to achieve that. ✨

Syaoran and Kaito's Friendship

And then my blushy blushy Sakura changes topic and suddenly throws me on the floor in a fit of laughter, because seeing Syaoran's confused look while he was trying to make sense of the pictures Kaito sent him on his phone WAS HONESTLY PRICELESS. 😆 My god, how long have I wished to see them like this? Moving their timid steps into a friendship (since their girlfriends are like sisters and Sakura literally saved Kaito's derriere), being their awkward dorky selves...they surprisingly get along so well and Syaoran doesn't seem to hold resentment towards him, which is GREAT for me!! He's learning from Sakura to just let go of hard feelings, when you've found out the person who acted in an oppositive way was just in a very desperate situation and had actually no ill intentions. And that makes me incredibly happy. Kaito needs all the support he can get, to make the right decisions in his life, and I can totally see him finding a particular connection with Syaoran, due to how they're both moon boys, who would give their life for the person they love. I think precisely for this, precisely because Syaoran can understand to a degree Kaito's situation and behavior, he wouldn't feel judged and would feel more free to establish a connection with him. I was k*lled with laughter and endearment when I saw that Syaoran felt confused, but still tried to understand Kaito's peculiar way of communicating with him 😂 And guess what? I think he doesn't realize it, but he's totally starting to get it! 😂The way our wolfie boy snaps that picture IMMEDIATELY as the cat passes by, and how he only framed the ear, really shows how in the end he's speaking "the same language" as Kaito 😂 Seeing Sakura so excitedly think to herself that the two became such good friends made me scream "SAME SAKURA-CHAN, SAME!!!" 😂 All in all, seeing these two having such a relaxed, comfortable date talking about their friends and stuff that happened lately made me completely feel that one year that elapsed, and now they act totally like a couple that's been dating for quite some time. 😊 Ooooh thank you sensei, really. Thank you so much for this scene. 🙏

The Moon Is Really Beautiful, Right?

BUT! The real reason why CLAMP will always have my heart and my gratitude is hidden in the next scene. 😂

Oh my god, the screams I've belted out when I saw them. And when I've read THAT. But let's go in order, let's go in order and not jump the gun! We're in Germany, Akiho and Kaito now seem to be living in an apartment in a nice building! They're still talking in keigo, and still calling eachother "Akiho-san" and "Kaito-san". 😊

Kaito SMILES genuinely at the picture Syaoran sent him!! And answers, to an observant Akiho, that he's having fun!! 😭HIM! The one who couldn't understand what was fun in interacting with others!!! He looks honestly so radiant and happy, a sign that his mental recovery is going strong. And that he's slowly expanding his "trusted people" network. 🥲🙏Also, he looks younger than ever!!! 😂

It made me INCREDIBLY HAPPY to see that Akiho didn't drop the "hobby" she had started in chapter 26 (ages ago!!), remember this scene?

I remember how much I loved to know she had started learning how to do this, because together with my friends, at the time, we all thought this could easily become her aspiration in life......and guess what?? CLAMP confirmed she wants to take on a job revolving around books and book repairing!! This is all canon!! T___T oh my happy tears.... There's a sense of pride in seeing that this journey for Akiho isn't only revolving around finding the cure for Kaito's shortened lifespan (which hurt his body terribly) and restarting his "stopped time", or finding Momo and the Alice in Clockland book, but she's also got the mental resolution to do something for herself, for what she wants to do in life, something that is completely disconnected from Kaito. Again, I cannot reiterate enough how this girl doesn't have an unhealthy codependent relationship with Kaito, and she's completely capable of thinking about her own future, aspirations and wishes. She wants him with her, and she could never live happily without him, but the love of her life isn't the only thing that exists for her. It is incredibly satisfying to see her working hard for her own future, where she'll be able to contribute (especially financially) to their livelihood. I can see Kaito helping her and assisting her with that. The other day I was dreaming away with my friends about Kaito and Akiho managing a "book cafè" together somewhere, how impossibly sweet that would be?

Seeing this volitive, ambitious, strong-willed Akiho once again filled my heart immensely. And I wasn't the only one, apparently.....

Oh god, you have no idea of the SHRIEKS I belted out when I saw Kaito saying "the moon is really beautiful, right?" in full daylight. Like. It is absolutely unmistakable at this point what kind of love he feels for her, and while I always knew, I'm sure the character took his own sweet time and personal introspection to reach that conclusion. If you remember, I've always said it and reiterated it at the end of chapter 80: Kaito won't understand things overnight, it will take a long time. And one year, at that age, is enough of a long time to come to terms with one's feelings and understanding what exactly they mean. They lived all that time together as two "equals", no more butler/boss bullsh*t, so they had even more opportunities to see eachother's true colors. And Kaito couldn't help but fall even more in love with Akiho, to the point that seeing her working so excitedly for her future made him gently overflow with that feeling....and said that sweet quote of Natsume Soseki that we all know, by now, what it means. I think the mere fact that what made his heart explode was seeing her so independent and strong, is a good sign that Kaito's love for her is the healthy and supportive kind, too. He doesn't love her and feels attracted to her soul because she's a weaker, younger, malleable being that he can dominate (as a toxic relationship would portray), but at the contrary, because she's free and strong and wonderful on her own. The more he sees her shining, the more that feeling grows. Throughout this scene, he looks at her and talks to her in such an intensely sweet way, you can totally see he's smitten with her.

The most popular reply to someone who confesses with "the moon is beautiful" is the equivalent of "I could die for you/I can die happy now", in Japanese. And Kaito had been unconsciously replying that way, with his actions, the whole damn time during the serialization of Clear Card. But since he took it way too literally, things were really heading to tragedy. Nobody wanted him to die for real, and yet, subconsciously, that was the only way he had found to give outlet to an enormous amount of feels that he couldn't express (because it wasn't appropriate, and nobody would ever love him, and he only caused her pain, and he had to let go of Akiho anyway at the end of it).

So considering all of THAT, this "I love you very much" he said now (he added とても, "very", like Akiho did ❤️) in this way, makes me think even more "yes, you finally understood what was the best way to convey it!" and therefore, it represents another character development for our moon boy. 🥲

There's debate over whether he had already understood what Akiho had meant, in chapter 48. I stand firmly by my convinction that, even if he was informed of the Japanese folklore tale around it, he quickly dismissed it as "no, she's meaning it literally for the moon", since he couldn't really believe that anyone would ever take interest in him, and was sure he would've always been alone. Otherwise, if he really understood and believed that Akiho was in love with him, I don't think he could've ever said that "I thought you didn't need me to be happy". It doesn't make sense. But everything that happened at the fake moon, and all her angry tears, and all her resolution to find a way to cure him, made him finally see that she really meant it in that way. ❤️So his own acceptance and introspection could finally start, and....it brought to this. ❤️ If you want to know more about the popular phrase "the moon is beautiful, right?", I invite you to check my first Clear Card Trivia post, focused on the literary and musical references portrayed throughout this story!

And LOL, I couldn't help but noticing several things in how this scene played out: first, he immediately "runs away" blabbering about the breakfast being ready, a very similar way to how he "ran away" in chapter 52 when Akiho could see right through him and was trying to express her support and feelings to him. This is definitely an indication (taking into consideration also how he acted when he was little) that the reason why Kaito walked away back then, slamming the door, had a sprinkle of embarrassment embedded in it, too. Yeah. I mean, look at the face he's making here, just before he notices, puzzled, that his hand is shaking:

He's smiling so tenderly, among the pain he's feeling because of his poor health. He even laughs! He's happy he heard that! But he just couldn't stay hearing any longer, back then. Now, in this scene of the special chapter, he literally throws "the bomb" and runs away without hearing her answer or reaction 😂😂😂this is definitely embarrassment, and I'd like to think there's even a hint of teasing streak that I've always seen between the lines in his personality. It came out particularly with Syaoran and Momo, but Akiho isn't excluded from this dynamic! 😂

And excuse me, but Akiho's reaction literally made me roll on the floor laughing!! 😂The poor girl is probably so used to live abroad, and Japanese folklore isn't probably coming up immediately in her mind anymore, despite it's a phrase SHE used HERSELF back then! 😂Or maybe it's because she didn't really expect it from him, and so she took a moment to connect the dots. Either way, it was extremely funny! And I can't absolutely avoid pointing out how our girl isn't blushing like mad anymore, but just slightly.... I mean. It must have been quite clear to her too, by now, that her feelings were in some kind "reciprocated", be it for what Sakura said back at the fake moon, his decision to go back to her, and his decision to reveal his true name, hence giving her his most vulnerable part of himself... This isn't a shock for her, and she probably waited patiently, patiently, for him to finally say something like this. So maybe, more than embarrassed, she's surprised that the day finally came! 🥲 Goodness. This really puts all my worries to rest, Akiho will truly be happy. And it makes total sense that CLAMP made him say this now, and not at the end of chapter 80. As I said, more time was needed. This entire scene leaves me with a sweet, soft, comfortable feeling, and it's totally how I've always imagined their relationship to be. Also....no more of that "he loves her as a daughter/sister" crap, not canon-wise at least. 😊

One last thing I have to point out about this scene, which curiously reconnects everything together, is that recently CLAMP have announced the themes to which their upcoming exhibition will revolve around: among them, there's LOVE (of course!), and among the decorations surrounding the featured character on the key visual (Sakura, for now, but there's at least another one coming!) there are a couple of birds too. Birds are, in this sense, a symbol of love in CLAMP's language. I couldn't really help but noticing all the birds flying outside the window next to Akiho, the moment Kaito says that "the moon is really beautiful, right?". Basically, CLAMP were trying to scream it all over the place, however they could. 😂

"Momo-san?!"

It was so nice to see Yukito and Kero-chan gossiping about Touya right in his face, with the complete intention to tease him 😂in that sense, Yukito really seems like a sweet and harmless character, but don't be fooled! His teasing power is over 9000!! 😂Touya's killing glare made me crack up! He's so done for, now that both Kero and Yukito can tease him in the open! 😂😂😂

But please, please, let me scream about MOMO!!! Oh my god I would've never accepted a special chapter that didn't feature her!! Aaaaahhh I'm so glad to see that she's fine 🥲 The conversation between her and Sakura made clear to me that she isn't that free to move how I imagined her to be. Certainly, she decides where to go and who the book stays with (and when to leave), but the impartiality imposed on her role doesn't allow her to act freely like she wants, unless she pays a price. And she decided to pay a price, not to see Akiho and Kaito, but to go and thank Sakura herself first. Because, as her "those kids" suggests, she of course still feels some kind of maternal instinct towards them, and as any mother would do, she wants to thank Sakura from the bottom of her heart for having helped and saved those two. Even her body language (the position of her hands) portrays that. And excuse me, but I A B S O L U T E L Y loved how CLAMP clarified once and for all, addressing directly the complaints of their own fandom, that Sakura wasn't forcingly dragged into a matter that wasn't related to her. Everything she did, she decided to do it because she felt it touched her personally. From the moment she became Akiho's friend and came to care for her, everything that happened and everything that she was involved with was related to her too. This wasn't "somebody else's business" anymore. Because Akiho is one of her most beloved friends, no matter how "fast" that happened. Some relationships bloom almost immediately, because the connection is just that strong. And so, this turned into just another expression of "your happiness is my happiness", with Sakura acting according to what her heart suggested. As Kaito is Akiho's most beloved person, Sakura couldn't help but care for him too, because doing so would've made her friend happy, in a wonderful "circulation of love".

Special mention for the scene with pregnant Lilie, oh my god I didn't really expect this either. How long ago I wrote that Tumblr post about cosmos flowers and the origin of Akiho's name? A couple of weeks ago? It's like CLAMP answered my curiosity, with this scene. I still keep my interpretation in my heart, but I also love the logic "it is a flower that keeps the same name in many countries". Of course. "Wherever you'll go, you'll always be your unique self". (And now I want to cry, mama's heart is so big😭) The way Lilie keeps her hands over her womb made me tear up. The ring isn't there anymore, a sign that she probably already gave it to Momo (understandably, since once Akiho would be born, she wouldn't really have much time left). The baby bump isn't that noticeable, probably because she's at the beginning of her pregnancy. Who knows if she kept seeing little Kaito while she was pregnant. 🥲Who knows if in the scene where she's telling him about how wonderful it is to have something you love, especially a person, she was already pregnant with Akiho. 🥲

Momo and Sakura's final words made me understand that Momo cannot go back to Akiho and Kaito till the circumstances and the moment is right. Whether it depends on Akiho's wish, or the right cosmic arrangement, it's surely not in the short term. Especially considering the limited scope of Momo's agency. It cannot come from Momo (unless she pays a huge price), it needs to come from them, strongly enough. I also want to think that, again as an acquired mother figure, Momo wants those two to find their own way, identity and figure out their relationship on their own, without her interference. I'm sure she's keeping an eye on them from faraway, though. 🥲Even though this still feels bittersweet because I wanted to see them reuniting in canon so badly, it gave me lots of hope for the future. Momo is just waiting for the right moment, and she'll be ready to embrace them when the time is right. Maybe, who knows, we'll see that reunion in another series or in a special publication in the future?

The End

And then....the final scene 🥲NOW it is finally clear what Ohkawa meant in that one Twitter Space, when she mentioned that there was a reason why they never featured Sakura's birthday!!! THEY NEEDED TO KEEP THE EXCLUSIVITY FOR THIS!! 😂 I'm so glad they did, really...it's so sweet to see her reaching 14 years old (the "standard age" of many shoujo heroines! 😂) and seeing Syaoran giving her a present, with that strikingly sweet smile full of love...but most importantly....the breathtaking final double spread 🥲🥲🥲🥲 The way she pulls his hand close to her chest, to her heart, while saying that Syaoran will be forever and ever her most important and special person.....really, this chapter is meant to k*ll us all with feels!🥲and I love how CLAMP keep finding ways to portray their physical displays of affection without resorting to the classic, most wanted (but also probably considered not appropriate yet) "kiss". The very final page is a direct parallel of a page from chapter one, where Sakura was going to school alone and looked back down the street to admire the cherry blossoms in full bloom.

Now, she's not alone anymore, but actually hugging the love of her life on her special day! Really, what a wonderful and fulfilling way to give the final touch to this amazing story! 🥲 Her very last line also contributed to this. Sakura leaves us again, 24 years after the first ending, with words of positivity for the future, and love for her important people. This wraps everything up nicely, but it still keeps things quite "open-ended", hopefully in the eventuality to return to this wonderful series in the future. Sakura is growing up, as CLAMP wished, and it might be possible to see her dealing with more "grown-up" situations, magic and non-magic wise. But one thing is for sure, her relationship with her loved ones will always take top priority. ❤️

Well well well, we came to the end of this looooooong commentary for this special chapter too. I can't help but thank once again all of you who followed my posts all these years, and commented with your POVs on the story.

As I've said multiple times, Cardcaptor Sakura gave me so much ever since I was a kid, and this sequel was no exception. This special chapter, in particular, overflowed with things I wanted to see, and I'm sure I'm not the only one thinking so. I once again want to congratulate CLAMP for wrapping everything up nicely, and thank them from the bottom of my heart for these almost 8 years of emotional journey. 🙏

See you around with my other tumblr posts, and let's look forward to the release of volume 16 on April 1st, and hopefully, news about the anime sequel of Clear Card!!

#cardcaptor sakura #card captor sakura #clear card arc #ccsakura #ccs spoilers #sakura kinomoto #syaoran li #akiho shinomoto #yuna d. kaito #syaosaku #yunaaki #special chapter #translation differences #how come this post is so freaking long even without translation differences?#well dammit I had A LOT TO SAY #and even some itches to scratch #aaaah the satisfaction #😊so happy

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intuitive-revelations · 2 months ago

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Live analysis of Wish World!

Sorry for the wait! I'm with family so haven't been able to watch the episode until now. I almost skipped the live reaction aspect of this for this episode, but have managed to work out a system with my laptop + ipad that works so I can write and watch at the same time. I also can't add any screencaps, as I can't PrtScr on this keyboard. Given all this, I'll think I'll hold back on most of my overall thoughts and theories for now, and save that for later this week.

Spoilers below. Again, I think I've been partially spoiled on this episode, but we'll see how this goes:

OK. Straight away it's 1865, so our third member of the unholy trinity is somewhere here?

And a baby, straight away, hm.

Luck? Is the Rani experimenting with the universe's new superstition?

"Sturm-und-drang" Thought that was going to be Gallifreyan for a sec, before I relistened and turned on the subtitles. "Storm and stress"?

Yep, doing something with superstition.

"It's older than that, darling." DARK TIMES MENTION?

"Your child is the fountainhead of a power from beyond this universe." May be spoiled on this being something else, but... Timeless Child link? Or Pantheon?

Hm, the word play with VIolets was a lot better, since it felt intrinsic. The Rani using similes and metaphors feels a lot more arbitrary.

Actually, I think I might discuss that spoiler now. If this goes back to Omega, is the "wish" thing linked to his ability to shape the anti-matter universe, now being applied to N-space too?

This domestic setup feels so expanded universe-y, like the The Natural History of Fear or something, with our main cast projected into a very different kind of story.

Poppy! So we're "casting" her as the Doctor and Belinda's child here?

Yep, and Conrad is the voice of this reality reshaping.

"Doctor Who and the Deadly Wish" Very 1st Edition Philosopher's Stone cover there. Kinda surprised we didn't go in on a Target cover instead. Is there some anti-JKR commentary to be had here, with crypto-fascist Conrad reading it?

WAIT WAIT THAT SAYS I.M. FOREMAN?! (On one hand, yay how can I link this to the EDA character. On the other hand, how dare you put them in the place JKR's name would be.)

"Uncle Connie" Hmm... given Poppy's the Doctor's child here, how can I link this to Brax?

"Once upon a time, the TIme Lords were really clever people from the planet Gallifrey. But one of the Time Lords ran away."

Amma?

What was that big tease RTD gave? "Tables don't act that way"?

Ruby :)

"My name is John Smith" The return!

Doubt. Interesting. So a post-truth-y sort of thing? This feels like it could get pretty poitically disjointed, given Conrad is a conspiracy theorist, but let's see how this goes.

Mel :D

And great skeletal beasts. I know I'm not alone in thinking of Faction Paradox here.

"The people who lived on the Earth were called humans. Doctor Who had lots and lots of human friends." The past tense is fun. Makes me wonder if it will be literal in some way. Also very TARDIS wiki.

"They loved him, they'd travel with him, but sometimes they'd leave him so they could go and fall in love and marry and have babies. And then the Doctor was all alone." Hm, what interesting contrast, after that moment with Mel. What are we getting at here, especially with something so reductive? Is this something to do with the Doctor wishing he could have that life?

"But he travelled on with bravery in his heart, looking for his next best friend." And now we see Shirley. (Also, heart singular? Almost could be interpretted as a "First Doctor had one heart" confirmation.)

Susan Twist!

Hmm, this retro environment feel quite HP-like actually. Like the Ministry of Magic. Hm...

"But then a sad day came along. All the Time Lords were killed, and Doctor Who was the only one left." This is what I've been waiting for, with the Rani back.

Ich, so sexism is alive and well here. Very cool Conrad.

"You're a beautiful man." "What's that supposed to mean?!" Oh God. Yep we're going there, and it's not just flavour.

"Unified National Insurance Team" lol

"And Doctor Who .wished it was like the old days, when he had a faithful companion at his side, but sadly those days were gone." The old days huh? Also, are we really going there, with the Doctor's subconscious wish warping reality and causing Belinda to be stuck with him, like theorised?

Belinda's family!

"Good little girl, good little wife, then good little mother." Triple goddess?

"And as Conrad says, that's what we're here for." Again, very cool Conrad.

Interesting having Poppy here, but clearly a lot more convention in terms of her childhood intelligence. How does that happen?

Ooh, is Belinda breaking out of this?

"It turned out, Doctor Who wasn't the only one left. A Time Lady had survived." Hm, are we going in some "repopulate the species" direction here? Seemingly not conventionally, given the Rani isn't herself acting as the Doctor's wife here, but there's implications from Conrad's lines here.

...what's she riding?

Seal of Rassilon spotted!

Hm, what with these helmetted people? Thought they were passenger-forms for a second.

Wait, the Rani wants people to doubt?

"Is it ok out there? Is it working?" Hm? So Conrad a) seemingly isn't in as much control as he seems, and b) is trying to accomplish something specific.

"Sometimes I forget about the weather and South Africa gets flooded." So reality is flowing through him somehow? It's almost like he's trying to take care of everyone, but is also clearly malicious in other ways.

Ah right. Clear mummy issues. That makes sense.

"The boy who wants the world to be better." Stop trying to make him sound earnest.

THE GIGGLE!

Hm, so the vindicators still have a part to play? I wonder how accurate or not my episode one onwards theory is.

"Tonight, we will find him. The One Who Is Lost." Gee I wonder who that is (disclaimer: I already know who that is). Interesting that this name echoes "The One Who Waits". Are we pulling Omega into the Pantheon too? I kinda hope not, as really can't fit with having a history with the rest. Not like Sutekh with the Titan Comic parallels.

"And then the great work begins." Rebuilding Gallifrey maybe?

"Many years ago when Gallifrey was young, the Doctor and the Time Lady had been terrible enemies." Uhh... 'young' is an interesting choice of phrasing. I'm guessing this is just for the narrative, but taking this literally, this feels like a Fugitive / Morbius Doctor sort of thing. But the Rani doesn't fit into that (unless we really are getting "Time Lord reincarnation is more common than we think" theory confirmed, like I said on that one Chibnall-related post.

"But the Time Lady knew they could be great friends, if only Doctor Who knew how clever she was!" Hmm... this feels interesting. Hopefully we're not making the Rani's research all about the Doctor, are we?

Also, what does this refer to? Ancient Gallifrey (as mentioned above)? Academy era (this arguably could fit best, if we take this as a sort of meet cute of how Ushas joined the Deca)? Classic era? Now?

"So one day she stepped out from the shadows..." "He said her name out loud. And he said, "We shouldn't be enemies any more..." NO, PLEASE LET ME HEAR ALL THIS! ... also by name, do we mean "Rani", "Ushas" or somehting else? I hope Conrad's background speaking is included in the script, whenever Writersroom releases it.

"The disabled, the dispossessed, the ones who don't fit in." Once again, very cool Conrad.

"It's like a glimpse in the corner of my eye, like I can remember something, then... it's gone." Perception filter?

WAIT, are we seriously about to link back to 73 Yards?!

"It's perception bias. He's not disabled, so he can't see us." God I love this. This is such a clever way to use this reality warping actually. Of course Conrad's biases enforce gender roles, homophobia, but he doesn't give a shit about disabled people, for better or worse.

"We're going to bring down God." Huh, so who did the Rani/Flood overthrow to get us to this point?

"But the Time Lady had an idea. She said, 'It's not over, because I know a secret, hidden away.' And the secret came from the depths of Time Lord history. A secret so old and so terrible, everyone had forgotten. But the secret was beginning to wake." OH?

SUSAN! SUSAN! SUSAN!

(Why does her appearing on the screen in white feel so "The End of Time Woman"-core?)

Also, no way, is this going to link back to her origin?

"But the secret was beginning to wake." Dark Times / pre-rationality? The Timeless Child? Omega's betrayal?

"And the Doctor said, 'Tell me the secret'. But the mysterious Time Lady was clever and wise, and she knew that Doctor Who was weak. " Again very curious when this story, if real, actually occurred. It sounds like it must have been right before the episode, but how does that work with the previous episode's cliffhanger?

ROGUE?!!!

'Hell dimension'. So he's not in a Land of Fiction then. So much for that sequel idea.

"Tables don't do that." There we go.

"I miss you. Well... more than that. I love-" And of course Conrad interrupts this!

"I warn you, Doctor. This secret will change reality forever."

Oh, I didn't realise the cups were literally falling through the table. So it is a matter of projection, isn't it? The matter, in a sense, isn't actually there? (Or the force of electromagnetism itself has technically vanished with the surrounding loss of rationality?) Again, reality being held together by the mind, ala the Antimatter universe.

(Also, quite TV Movie esque, with matter's properties changing from the Eye of Harmony being open. Who do we know who was involved in those Black Hole experiments?)

Nope, Belinda is still suppressing then.

OK, I know it being UNIT is what's important, but I chuckled at the "relic from the other world" being a fucking iPad.

Rassilon mention! President Eternal huh?

Hm, the Rani's characterisation is interesting. It's clearly paralleling the Master in some ways, with the emphasis on their history etc. but she also thankfully doesn't actually feel like them at all (though the discoball is cutting it a bit close). Sure it's a bit of a far cry from Kate O'Mara's Rani in some some ways, but I actually really like it. This feels like someone who really was close with the Doctor once upon a time. It also makes sense she may act in a way that builds off those old bonds, given they are both, effectively, among all that's left of Gallifrey. Regardless, Archie is VERY good. I hope we keep her.

The way she's testing him is specifically very Rani though. It shows her inate academic curiosity.

Also, tbf, there are actually a few tender moments between the Rani and the Doctor in previous stories. They're easy to forget, but they are there. Like when she's disguised as Mel and clearly, for a moment, sympathises with Seven as he bemoans the nature of regeneration (one reason I like the interpretation, which I've seen some others share, that the Rani was actually scared of regenerating and hestitated for a long time). Or when the Doctor momentarily begins to wonder if they can be friends again (or maybe more? he doesn't finish the sentence), before dismissing the thought. It's a shame their dynamic is so often slept on tbh.

"We danced once upon a time, you and I, with the city burning around us! People said we were lovers. Can you remember if that's true? Far away in time and space. Were we?" I'm sure people are annoyed at this, and I can see an argument that it's a shame the Rani being being brought back so quickly leads to something romance related, a bit like the discourse around Best Enemies being depicted so strongly once the Master became Missy (I got the unfortunate implications of it all, but disagree it was intentional or anything - it was Moffat's first time writing the Master and I think he just wanted to depict their relationship explicitly while also introducing us to an on-screen cross-gender regeneration, and doing both together just happened to look a bit bad). But the Rani is clearly just teasing the Doctor's lack of memory.

Yay, Kate O'Mara :D

"Yes! I had a different face. So did you, a long time ago." Hm, who danced with her? Logically, it would make most sense to be Six or Seven, but this honestly sounds quite academy era-like? Could this be seen as evidence for O'Mara indeed being the First Rani?

"Because the tragedy is... we were never enemies. Every villain you ever thought wanted death. I only wanted life!"

"But this planet is a lie. This whole world is a wish." Yep, the planet's already gone isn't it? I'm so curious how this all comes together, it feels like the Rani's playing every side. She (presumably) wanted the Earth destroyed (by the TARDIS and the Vindicators?) but is also here holding it together? There's a gamibit here.

"But he made so much of this happen. He stirred the gods, Belinda. He woke the most ancient of powers."

"Desiderium - the god of wishes" Ok, this works for me so far.

"The Vindicator. Hidden in plain sight. Do you remember?" Plain sight is a bit much (we payed plenty of attention to it) but ok. This is what I'm waiting for.

But how does this work to amplify Desiderium's powers? Unless the Rani somehow planted it in the TARDIS, it must be via it's intended purpose, right?

"It crisscrossed the universe, creating a web of power to bring you back here." A Web you say? 👀

Or am I wrong, and it'll be more of a ritual thing, ala the fairy ring in 73 Yards?

"A billion supernovas" wait, is this based on what Rassilon did when Omega was lost? With the energy of the black hole flowing through him, how he changed the laws of physics and created the event horizon?

Kind of? She's using his doubt. Literally the Doctor's own Observer Effect.

"Omega" YEP there we are.

"Omega. The First Time Lord. The creator of the Time Lords. The greatest and most terrifying Time Lord of all."

OMG she's not acting to restore rationality per say (though in a way, using the Doctor's doubt could be seen as doing just that, re-imposing logic on a reality that has ceased to make sense) she's doing this to tear down Rassilon's work, isn't she?

When you think about it, this is the consequence of the Doctor's overthrowing of Rassilon in Hell Bent. The Time Lords finally began to see him for what he was, and the Rani may well have been among them. Only she filled the void of what once was likely a great hero of hers, given his impact on Time Lord science and rationality, with someone else.

And of course she wants to help Omega. The Deca loved him, Morbius, other fearsome Time Lord leaders of legend.

Side note - I can't believe they're actually showing us Omega's seal again too!

The Series 4 version of the Doctor's Theme! Have we even heard it since Eleven regenerated?

Ooh, the purple hues of everything disappearing are very similar to the threshold (I've been thinking about it every time they've said that word) and the portal the Timeless Child was found below. Is that just what portals out of N-Space look like (remember, the Master implied that Gallifrey was in the pocket universe when he destroyed it)?

"I have a daughter. Poppy is real. Do you know what that means?" HUH? THAT'S WHERE WE'RE GOING TO END IT?!

OK, as I said I'm not going to say too much right now, as it's late and writing is a bit inconvenient atm. I'll be saying a lot more later next week.

What I am going to say now though, before I see any other reactions to this? HOLY SHIT I LOVED THAT EPISODE. Low key, might be one of my favourite penultimate episodes (Heaven Sent is still top though obviously). Admittedly it leaves SO many questions open, so we're dependent on it sticking the landing and not copping out of all this, but my hopes are so high right now, even with the bad taste Empire of Death gave me previously. That's not to say it's perfect (there's a few RTDisms in there, with obvious reveals and such, plus things like Rogue kinda coming out of nowhere, but maybe he's back next episode?), but the fact we're actually kinda hinting at all this deep lore, FINALLY some consequences actually making good use of post-Time War Gallifrey (even if it's not around, and to be clear, I did like 90% of the Timeless Child/Division arc too), and giving us compelling characterisation of the Rani?

You've got me Russell, don't let us down.

#Doctor Who #Wish World #Fifteenth Doctor #The Rani #Doctor Who Spoilers #DW Spoilers #DW Theory #DW Meta #I am slightly scared given what I have heard in rumours regarding the next episode and the show's future #but avoided most details #and have been slightly assuaded by recent news #anyway with regards to the 'deep lore' stuff #I don't think I've been this excited since we got the Anchoring of the Thread in Flux

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ilikekidsshows · 6 months ago

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Ok. Something I see in the ml fandom sometimes is really starting to bother me. It's not common, per se, but I've seen it enough times now that I'm about to lose it. But people don't deserve me yelling at them/on their fics, so I'm venting here instead. XD As always, feel free to ignore this/not respond if you'd prefer. I'll try to be vague, but I also understand if this is...too specific.

So. With that out of the way. I get near livid these days whenever I see an 'Adrien as an abusive romantic partner to Marinette' AU. Like to an extent I understand, it's an alternative universe. Non canon. Exploration of a "what if." Don't like don't read, yadda yadda. And generally I just...move on.

But also. At the same time. It just makes me so ANGRY. To know this exists. That multiple people can have the absolute gall to take a *canon* abuse victim. Who is sweet and patient and kind (genuinely, but also because he has to be, if you subscribe to the fawning interpretation). And turn him into a manipulative abuser, the unambiguous villain of a story. (And yeah, I've seen the argument that abuse victims can sometimes go on to become abusers themselves, but that doesn't really justify writing Adrien specifically this way? It's still...grossly out of character? Not to mention a bleak and insulting trajectory for his journey as a victim?)

But even better....they take a character who is canonically being gaslit, more or less, by his girlfriend into glorifying his abuser and downplaying the abuse he experienced (I know the term isn't exactly correct but gdi calling it mere "lying" is also an understatement). And then say, you know what. What if we do a switcheroo! And make that same girlfriend -his- abuse victim instead! Let's once again make it about how terrible *she* has it, because canon doesn't already focus on Marinette being upsette enough apparently. It just...leaves such a poor taste in my mouth???

To be clear, these aren't Marinette salt fics, some sort of weird "see how -you- like it" thing. No, these are "Marinette is a victim who will ultimately triumph" stories, not necessarily written by people who even dislike Adrien (if the stories were explicitly Adrien salt I wouldn't have read/come across them in the first place).

And yeah, I understand fan-fiction is often OOC and/or can be a way to deal with one's IRL struggles. But dear GOD does it piss me off like nothing else when someone chooses the *canon victim* to be the Big Bad that the self-insert character gets to overcome. It's plain insulting, is what it is. Long story short, leave Adrien alone and choose a different freaking character to be the abusive jackass!

....you know, I'm think ultimately it wouldn't bother me so much, if it weren't for fandom's much more widespread tendency to indulge in Marinette wangst and act like she's the epitome of human suffering, often at his expense or while ignoring his struggles. So I guess this sub-genre of abuser!Adrien is the straw that broke the camel's back for me.

Anywho, rant over XD I think I've calmed down a bit, so if you read this, thank you for providing a space for me to vent and I hope it wasn't too annoying!

---

This blog does double time as an analysis and vent blog, so sending in pet peeves is completely allowed and even encouraged. Yeah, like, even if Adrien wasn't an abuse victim, seeing a trend of “abuser AUs” for any character you're a fan of is annoying. When something annoying gets combined with this fandom trend being basically the culmination of things pushed in canon, it turns downright aggravating.

Because that's really the thing that makes it more than just another case of basic “well, we need someone to mistreat our lead so that she can overcome hardships”; it has its roots in something actually harmful going on in the show and fandom. Adrien's victimhood constantly gets sidelined, or he's demonized for his trauma responses, so a fic trend where he continues the cycle of abuse just comes across as even more victim blaming.

Meanwhile, Marinette's petty grievances are treated as signs of how she's the biggest victim on the block, she's suffering so much more than the literal abuse victims, so a fic having her be literally victimized by the very abuse victim whose victimhood she commandeers in canon is both very expected for this fandom but also really aggravating.

I’m saying I get it.

#ml salt #ml fandom salt #dats chats

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drowninginredink · 4 months ago

Text

20 fanfic author questions, because i was tagged by @seanwinchester and @spnyuri. They both actually tagged me on @schizosamwincester, but I talked a lot about non SPN stuff and i wanted to tag non SPN people so I'm doing it on my main instead.

1. How many works on AO3?

48, apparently. Damn that's a lot. Also there are some on my old fanfiction.net that I should really upload to AO3 at some point and still haven't, so I have written more fic than that.

2. Total AO3 Word Count?

89,208, but again, I will mention that there's a 32k word fic that's only on fanfiction.net. And again, I should really get around to putting it on AO3.

3. Top 5 fics by Kudos

Follow My Lead (Smosh)

You sound absurd, even if you're right (Supernatural)

Sister (Supernatural)

Should I explain myself? I'd rather read the dictionary (Smosh)

Don't you think you would feel better then? (Smosh)

4. What fandoms do you write for?

Currently I've been very Supernatural brained, but I've written for A Series of Unfortunate Events in the past and will definitely again in the future. Whenever I stop writing about supernatural for 5 minutes. My Smosh RPF phase is decidedly done, but I just have the feeling I'll write one more fic in it one day? Don't ask me what. And then way back in high school I wrote To Kill a Mockingbird and Harry Potter (*vomits*)

5. Do you respond to comments?

When I remember that according to social conventions i really should, yes. I do have a tendency to be like "oh that's a short comment. It doesn't require a response" but I'm trying to be better about that and still thank people for one sentence comments.

6. Angstiest Ending?

Oh that's hard. That's really hard. Because that isn't the same thing as saddest ending. Angst is a bit more self centered and a bit less valid. I could answer saddest. But angstiest? I write too much angst to know the answer to that. And I don't know which type of angst is more angst. Right now I'll say "Like flies from your face" (Supernatural) but I don't love that answer.

7. Fic with the Happiest Ending?

Oh that's easy. My Smosh phase was the one time in my life I wrote stuff that wasn't even a little depressing. It's either "Follow my Lead" or "Don't you think you would feel better then?" which are both linked above.

8. Do you get hate?

Not on my fic. Got some on tumblr a while ago now, but never on AO3 or directed at my fic.

9. Do you write smut?

Hell yeah! Not a ton because smut is really another kind of action scene and writing actions is the thing I like the least, and also because a lot of my ideas are sexual but the flow would be ruined by in-depth sex scenes, but I have and I will again.

10. Do you write crossovers?

Nah. No shade to those who do, but that is not how my brain works. I predominantly write fic as a form of literary analysis, which means I don't have a ton of use for fully changing the setting of things these days.

11. Ever had a fic stolen?

Not like, completely stolen, but there was that time someone's fic had a very specific idea that mine also had, and they left kudos on my fic so i know they read it, and then when someone asked about it they denied ever having read it. Which, I would have been perfectly fine with all of that and taken it as a compliment if they credited me. It's the not even mentioning me, and then denying they'd even seen it, that I took issue with.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

No. I mean if anyone wanted to I'd let them, but God I'd never ask anyone to do that much work.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic?

God no. I could never write with someone else. Absolutely not.

14. All time favourite ship?

I'm aro as all hell so the real answer to this is no ship. No ship is the best ship. Write more gen fic I'm begging you. Especially gen fic that isn't about friendship. Write character studies! Write about acquaintances! Write the weird liminal relationships that we don't have words for.

... but anyway if I haaaaave to give a real answer deanjohn.

15. WIPs you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

Oh my God so many. I'm a 20 WIPs at a time sort of person, which means I'm fully aware a decent chunk will never actually be finished. My real one that got away, at least at the moment, is this guy wrenching death fic I was writing for Smosh, and then life stuff happened so i was not in the emotional state to write a death fic, and then stuff changed so the ending no longer worked. Like, on the one hand it is very good that Smosh *finally* started giving Tommy Bowe his due and in real life I'm very happy about it. On my other, the bittersweet ending where he quit because he realized staying for friendship was bad when he could lose them at any moment and went somewhere that treated him better and had an entire career he never would have had if Spencer didn't die is ruined. And i apparently am incapable of thinking of a new ending, so it is doomed to be a forever WIP I guess.

16. Writing strengths?

I have a very consistent voice and style. Most things written by me take the same tone and shape. I have a good sense of what things come out well when written by me and how to pace and execute them. I have a unique style — you're going to recognize my writing most of the time. I think it's a style that sticks well in people's heads.

17. Writing Weaknesses?

Action. Good lord I hate writing any kind of action. And while I write actual dialogue well, I never like any of my dialogue tags or the other prose around it.

18. Thoughts on mixed language dialogue?

What a weirdly specific question. I honestly can't say I really see it done very often, except in the kinds of porn that I am not reading for the quality of their dialogue. But uh, go for it if you want?

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Is it exactly a fandom if there were only 4 of you writing it, all on fanfiction.net in 2018? Well, we count it. I read To Kill a Mockingbird in School, went "haha, I bet weirdos have written fanfic of this," immediately discovered it was in fact a goldmine for hurt and angst, and that was it for me. I've been a fic writer ever since.

20. Favourite fic you’ve ever written?

Uh... You know what? Honestly? If I really think about it? One of my first ones for To Kill a Mockingbird. I don't think I've had the chance to write a death that good since. I just put it on AO3, since I'm talking about it now. Not Even a Nightmare

Yay tags! Absolutely no pressure to anyone because I know this is extremely long. @ven10 @weirdthoughtsandideas @buncoreclown @idjits-areus @ebenelephant @lumalite @70snasagay @incesthemes

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dudewhy3 · 8 months ago

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Continue yours and Myrtle's discussion about Armin being a Twilight fan, what if it's a plot twist, and it's ARMIN who introduced Mikasa to Twilight?

Like, he was *analysing* everything and reading books and watching movies, but was ashamed of it, and Mikasa once spotted him writing another long essay about, "The more Edward loves Bella, the more he thinks he's in danger: principles of the selective abstraction and polarizes thinking", and so he introduced her with the saga after this.

BONUS: before AruAni became a thing, Armin heard Annie playing and singing Paramore - Decode, and he was mesmerized by her voice, playing and beauty, and so he was so smitten with her, that he didn't even notice that Annie was, in fact, smitten with him, too. It took them a while before they became a couple, but when they did, Annie plays Decode only for him :3

HI ANNAAAA, AND OH MY GOD YES!! THIS IS SUCH A GREAT IDEA AAAAAAGH, thank you for sending it in!! <3

It turned out rather long ahaha, so i'll put it under the cut. Please do beware of the angst ahead :3

So in a high school au, let's say Armin was 16 this year. That would mean that he was born in the same year the first Twilight movie was released (2008), just 3 weeks before. So, imagine his parents, a young couple, new parents to a little bundle of light, huddling up on the little couch in their little apartment, trying to ignore the cold, switching through channels to make the time pass. They randomly get to a channel streaming Twilight, so they watch it all. And little Armin doesn't cry once, he just stares at the screen with those big eyes of his, as if he understood everything that was going on. For the next 5 years, each November they would watch the release of another Twilight movie (except for that one time in like 2010 when they released it in June). And after the saga was complete, they'd watch it all in November, maybe even on Armin's birthday to make it more special. Until the day he turned 10, and his parents didn't come home– they never came home again, it was just him and his grandfather. Yet every time he missed them, he put on a Twilight movie, and the grief would get a little more bearable.

So as he grew older, he grew more attached to the saga. He started analysing everything about it, every little detail, because it made him feel closer to his parents. But he never shared those ideas, because they were so intimate and he was already getting bullied enough- so, he kept them in a little notebook. Until one day in math class when he was about 13 or 14, he was scribbling down ideas for that essay you mentioned- "The more Edward loves Bella, the more he thinks he's in danger" (which is such a cool title btw, love it). And Mikasa peeked over his shoulder and read a bit, and she was so engrossed with it that she didn't stop pestering him until he showed her the movies.Which was life changing for Mikasa, because she now finally had something she truly loved, but also for Armin- someone liked his ideas; he got to share his love for the series again, and it made him happy. So he finally found the courage to share his analyses and ideas, and they were well recieved by the fandom.

But he never finished that essay, not until he met Annie. He met her just as you said- he heard her singing once and was irrevocably in love. Except, i head canon that Annie would be such a distant and quiet person in high school, it would take a LOT to get close to her. Not only is she aloof, she's also extremely direct- so all his efforts to sit with her or strike up conversation ended up in her berating him for bugging her. Besides, there was Bert too, always two steps behind Annie in an almost stalky manner, but she seemed to indulge his presence better than Armin's.

So, Armin gave up on trying to pursue her. He accepted the fact that he was the Jacob in this situation and that his Bella has chosen the giant vampire, and drowned himself into his theories and analysis. He found that essay in his drafts, and decided to work on it again. "The more Edward loves Bella, the more he thinks he's in danger: principles of the selective abstraction and polarized thinking". It helped to put his own feelings and love somewhere.

But the bullies found it. They found his notebook, tore it all up, gave him one hell of a beating. Armin was left bruised and broken and with a ruined notebook. His work, his life's purpose- gone. He didn't know what to do, so he picked himself up, gathered the pieces of paper that used to be his essay, and started walking astray through the school. Until he heard soft guitar tunes coming out of the music room, and found Annie there, playing her guitar, wearing a scowl on her face. Somehow, her scowl only deepened when she saw him.

"I didn't know where else to go." He couldn't go home and worry his grandpa, and he couldn't go to his friends either, or Eren would have caused a scene. "Is it cool if I stay here? I promise not to bother you."

Annie looked him up and down, examining him thoroughly, her eyes widening the slightest bit at the sight of his bruises. "It's whatever," she finally said.

So they sat in the music room, each doing their own thing. Armin put his essay back together, and Annie carried on with her song. No word was spoken between them that day, or the next day, or the next week, yet there was peace in the quiet and comfort in the silent understanding passed between them. But Annie's silence turned into nods of aknowledgement and later into quiet 'hi's. Armin's turned into little smiles and stolen glances, and occasional "hey do you want some chips?"s. One day, two months into this arrangement, as she was taking a little break from her guitar and munching on his chips, she asked about that essay of his.

"How come you haven't finished it yet, don't you have a deadline for it?"

And so, feeling extremely self conscious, Armin beat around the bush and said that it was this silly character analyses for a show he liked.

The next day, Annie was playing another song, but he didn't recognize it at first because she played it in little sequences, never in full length. Eventually, maybe three or four weeks later, she asked him to put his essay aside for a minute and just listen, and she played Paramore's Decode, both guitar and voice. Armin was left absolutely mesmerized, so much so that he didn't know what to say, staring at Annie with a big dumb smile on his face. But the more he stared, the more self aware Annie became. She flushed a deep red, picked up all her stuff in a hurry and left.

That was the moment Armin realized he was completely smitten. He went home, sat down at his desk- and decided to finish his essay that very day, give it to Annie in the morning, and confess his love through it. Which is exactly what he did. He was an absolute zombie the next day, having barely slept, but when he made it to the music room his heart was beating like crazy against his chest.

Annie got flustered when she saw him. "This is my room, I found it first. If you're gonna sit there and mock me for what I play, then you can stick your nose right up your-"

He thrusted the papers in her arms. "Just read this," he demanded.

Annie looked between him and the papers with skeptical eyes, but eventually sat down and started reading through them. Armin sat next to her and carefully watched her face as she read, taking into account every little change in her expression.

When she was done, Annie sat the papers neatly between them.

"Okay. And?"

"What do you think?"

"What does this have to do with me?"

Armin took a deep breath in, building up his courage. He couldn't back out now.

"This is how I feel about you. What do you think?"

#the amount of knowledge i have on this saga is sorta concerning actually #but i had so much fun with this!!#thank you anna for the creative boost #asks and answers #armin arlert #aot school castes #aruani #aot school castes x twilight #aot x twilight au

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owlchimedes · 6 months ago

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Any study/homework tips? Especially when it come to writing a essay?

I can definitely share what works for me! I generally feel that there are 3 types of essay assignment, so I'll break this answer into parts. I'm assuming your essays are untimed and can be written in advance.

General Persuasive Essay:

Could be a unit assignment, midterm paper, or a chiller final. Generally 2-6 pages with moderate sourcing (3-5 new sources per page).

Personally, I like to assemble all my arguments first. Think of it like a pearl necklace -- imagine what you want your essay to prove ("X is Y") and then gather thoughts and evidence supporting that: quotes, articles, journals, statistics, etc. These are your pearls. Once you have enough of them to meet the page count -zip- all you need to do is thread them together with explanations and transitions.

For me, this looks like a very messy trash document filled with nonsensical shorthand and meticulous citations exactly how I'm supposed to use them in-text for the paper and for the final bib. If your teacher wants Chicago, or MLA, or APA, be sure to use that from the get go. The best parts are that 1) you know exactly where to go to double check something, 2) you don't need to look anything up again, 3) you've already written your bibliography.

For me, a doc might look like:

"72% of people can detect fake statistics" (Example, et al. 2025 404-405) ... "what, you egg?" (Macbeth 4.2.94)... [NEED MORE SUPPORT HERE] "cat's toe beans can absorb 5.44 lbs/cm of force" (Akename, F. in Purrrfect: A Science Tail 2013 p. 102) [TIE BACK TO 3RD PARAGRAPH]

You get the idea. Messy, but helpful. I like to copy-paste each 'pearl' into a clean document that holds the actual essay as I write it. You probably won't use every piece of evidence you have, but it's better to have a lot to choose from than to be staring at a blank page trying to write. Collecting evidence this way is particularly helpful if you know ahead of time that you need to do a paper, because then you can add tabs or highlight materials as you read them, cutting your workload in half. Generally, unless I'm totally unfamiliar with the field, I try to roughly know my final essay topic on the 2nd day of class and then start putting things in the messy doc when I find them. If it's not in the syllabus, ask your teachers about the final prompts. The worst they can say is no.

One of the great things about the process is that it skips the paralysis of a 'draft'. There is no draft here because there is no writing. Ideally, you should have 0 of your own words on the page -- only pulls and quotes. You'll paraphrase and rearrange things later. Don't copy paste directly into your essay; even with citations, that's plagiarism. Don't use first-person unless your teacher explicitly says it's okay.

Once you have all your content, structuring it may seem difficult.

I taught the TISAS model (also sometimes known as TISAC). This stands for topic sentence, introduction, supporting evidence, analysis, & summary (or conclusion). For clarity here, I'll use TISAC.

The TISAC is a simple paragraph structure model for beginner writers, but can also apply to longer and more complex writings. The standard 5-paragraph paper form taught in most middle- and high-schools is a simple nested form: TI TISAC TISAC TISAC C. The pattern of topic sentence and introduction, three evidence paragraphs, and a final summary is clear. More complex writings may add more evidence to the same point: TISAISAISAC. Thus, the amount of evidence and analysis can be endless, but must always be bracketed by clear topic sentences and conclusions. You can also vary the amount of information on any one topic; all paragraphs do not need to be the same length. More supporting evidence often leads to stronger persuasion or proof, though if there is enough of it, a reader may require mini-summaries to keep track of what it going on: TI TI(SAISAC TISAC)C TISAC C. It's clear that these elements can be combined endlessly to whatever length and complexity is required. Overall, TISAC is a straightforward set of building blocks that serve both beginner and advanced persuasive writers.

The format of the above is TISAISAISAC.

Introductions and topic sentences benefit greatly from the use of transition words, which flag to the reader (and to you) exactly what you're trying to do with the information you've presented. All evidence should be cited correctly. Obviously, TISAC is a little cramped on style and not perfectly suitable for heavily data-based work or more lyric, narrative, or artistic writing. Keep in mind though, 'evidence' can be a graph, an image glossary, an appendix, or many other formats.

Reflective Essay:

Unlike the persuasive essay, this type is entirely first-person, focused on YOU and your own thoughts, experiences, and takeaways. These tend to be the first and/or last assignment in a class, and are usually 1-5 pages with minimal to moderate sourcing (1-3 sources per page).

For course/project reviews, make sure to cover all the topics in ASSASSIN: Anticipations, Surprises, Strengths, Awkward points, Struggles, Show an example, "In conclusion", and Next time.

You can organize your thoughts chronologically or by theme. Longer papers work better as chronological.

Get a sense of what your teacher likes. If a prof. is proud of a certain thing, don't bash it. If they expressed disappointment in an outcome, agree with them. Don't come off as smarmy, but this is the easiest way to an A.

Do not use AI. In general, don't, but especially for reflective papers. AI is trained on models of the external world --it has no clue about your private internal world or what the class was like. It's guesses will be wrong and it only takes one or two incorrect details for your professor to realize you didn't write the paper. Even with careful proofreading, it's not worth the risk.

Research Essay:

These tend to be longer papers, possibly a course final or graduation checkpoint (qualification exams/thesis), meant to show how well you know the literature and materials as well as your ability to argue. Usually 5-100+ pages with moderate to max sourcing (4-10 sources per page). I use the same general process as for any persuasive essay, but make sure to use a reference management software instead of a single document. Mendeley, Zotero, RefWorks, and EndNote are the ones I've noticed most among my peers. Zotero was a godsend for my thesis.

Lab reports are a whole different beast, so I didn't discuss them here. Good luck!

#essay writing #essays #essay help #essay tips #studyblr #gradblr #thesis #senior thesis #study tips #long post

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emeraldhypothesis · 4 months ago

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for the ask meme: jack atlas!

Oh Jack's a good one. This now means I got half the rivals done in day 1, yay me!

Why I like them/why I don’t

Jack to me is the writers fully realizing how they want to handle the Kaiba Rival archetype as a singular character. If Edo, Manjoume and Ryo were all a shared trial run across GX, Jack is the finished prototype. He's one of the few rivals I think is fully allowed to embrace how Kaiba wasn't just an antagonist, he was an actively malicious person when we meet him in the manga, willing to do anything for power and glory. Jack in contrast to the GX Rivals, is allowed to be like that, which especially stands out after Manjoume was just a school bully. He steals Yusei's ace, straps Rally to a boat and betrays all of his friends to get out of the Satellite and escape his past, and it doesn't really eat at him that he did this until Yusei reappears and makes him face his sins by stripping his mantle of King away from him in front of the whole city.

I love his arc especially after Carly basically beats him over the head to be a better person, which has notable effects on how Jack talks to people afterwards and pays off with him trying to save her in turn when she's a Dark Signer. It gives Jack a really profound arc that visibly moves him and changes his perspective on why he fights, allowing him to fight Godwin with Yusei and Crow not just as allies, but as reforged friends.

And then he's made very silly and that's when Jack becomes the best character in the entire fucking show. No joke, I love how Jack is made a silly idiot in the fluff episodes, it really expands his character and helps make a lot of the domestic slice of life stuff land. (maybe that's what Arc-V Jack was missing)

What I like about their appearance

I love that his riding suit is much more sophisticated and sleek than Yusei and Crow's gear. I read once that an analysis of Jack's clothes indicates that Neo Domino racer suits were made to more resemble F1 racers and their suits, while Satelite characters like Crow and Yusei more resemble traditional bike racer gear with the bigger emphasis on leather and crash pads.

I love his stupid bike too, that you wouldn't be able to see out of unless you were a madman like Jack.

Do I prefer their dub names or original names?

Same in both languages. Performance wise, I think I'd have to give it to the Japanese, but Ted Lewis does great as Jack- incomprehensible accent and all, and he's very charming in the role, but holy crap Takanori Hoshino leaves no crumbs in his wake. He gives Jack the full emotional range across his arc, and his "ORE NO TUUUUUUUURN" cry is always legendary.

OTP

It's Scoop. Come on, no contest here, they're basically as canon as this franchise can let them be by the time of Dark Signers. They're very adorable together and I do wish Carly got to be more involved in Jack's slice of life episodes because seeing them contrast would have been everything.

NOTP

Don't really have one.

OT3

Even if I don't think a lot of Jack and Crow's chemistry beyond them being the team's comic relief, I think that the boys all live together in a single shared living space for the entire second half of the show writes the doujins for me.

Favourite card they use

RDA would be cheating (shoutout to Scarlight though, I have a Royal of that in Master DUel), so I'll just say Vision Resonator is very cute.

Favourite moment they were in

It's really gotta be either Jack fighting Dark Signer Carly, or him facing the Crimson Devil to seize the power of Red Nova Dragon for himself. I'm also fond of him blowing up the garage that one time and his job-hunting montage. Jack in general benefits the most I think from the slice of life episodes post-Dark Signers.

Least favourite moment

Did we really need Jack to duel Yuya again near the end of Arc-V? It's not even like Jack gets a Level 12 Synchro out of it or anything to show his own journey. I'm a bit colder on Arc-V Jack.

Would I fuck, marry or kill them

Carly tired killing him, it didn't stick, and then I like to imagine she put a ring on it as a result, so he's unfortunately spoken for.

#jack atlas #emerald ask meme #ygo ask meme #scoopshipping #ask meme #jackatlas

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sunriseverse · 3 months ago

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spare thoughts on ppl with strong preferences for fixed shipping dynamics (e.g. only ship top!A and bottom!B only)? its super widespread in my current fandom and personally i think it's clown behaviour like u guys are closing yourselves off to more interesting dynamics but i keep that opinion to myself lol (can't b a hater in public)

everyone's going to hate me for this (except my friends)(who know and agree with me)(because we are right) but frankly the Fixed Shipping/Sexual Dynamics thing is soooooo fucking annoying it was annoying in 2013 it's annoying in 2025. especially because 1. Real People aren't usually that fixed? in terms of what they prefer during sex? and 2. 96% of the time i can 100% see an argument for ANY sort of preference because characters are complex!!!!!! and nuanced!!!!!!!!!! and 3. it's been said before and i'll say it again, so often the Fixed Sexual Roles thing is just a reinvention of heterosexual dynamic bullshit. not that top/bottom is itself heterosexual but you can only see so many "soft nerdy quiet bottom"x"strong loud masculine top" before you're like hm. you guys are just reinventing gender dynamics but For Gay People.

and like the thing is i HAVE had situations where i was like hm. okay i think that character x is a top/bottom. but then i'll go into fandom and everyone is INSISTENT that x is a top/y is a bottom and i'm like well man i think it's nuanced. i don't think it's Always Like That!

i think 90% of what annoys the hell out of me is that, like i said, people do it in such a stereotyped way so often? especially among newer or younger fans. (which isn't to say Ye Olde Fans don't have strict dynamic preferences but at least they tend to not get annoying when you write something that they don't agree with (i mean CURRENT ye olde fans because back in the day (so when i got into fandom in 2013) this was definitely not the case.). at least in the space i've curated for myself. heavens knows what's going on out in the great wide internet).)

often i'll scroll through tags and read None of the fics because of this TBQH. if you're tagging your fic about how x is such a nerdy sweet soft poor weak bottom or whatever i'm not reading that shit. come up with better character analysis or at LEAST investigate and form proofs for WHY you think that character is a top/bottom before you write anything.

(actually my number one complaint about 90% of fanfic is that people aren't writing How Would Character X React To Y Situation but rather writing how they WANT character x to react to y situation. unfortunately nearly all my complaints come back to characterisation because it's so rare to read a fic where a character is a top/bottom in a way that isn't wildly ooc. many such cases!)

(my number one solution for this is character analysis. write meta. literally do Anything but follow fanon blindly. okay rant over.)

#ask #i guess we're just dishing out hot takes tonight. well i'm not complaining!#fd anon #c.txt

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chaggie4ever · 3 months ago

Text

Preface for upcoming multi-part fic: Fallen Wings

Hi there! Thank you for taking the time to read my very first fanfiction period! I've been lurking on AO3 and Tumblr for some time now devouring people's works. There are far too many for me to list here but between my obsession with this fandom and Chaggie, and inspiration from these works, here I am! This is quite the ambitious project that I have been planning out for the better part of 2025, currently planned to be seven lengthy parts. I am very busy with work but hope to put each part out all together for binge-reading as this is clearly the way we consume media these days and I myself search for completed works typically :)

This is obviously an adult cartoon made for adults, but children that have slipped through please skip this one. There will be blood and gore and language and LOTS of explicit sex. I will allude to nonconsensual mostly, with a few more written out parts because it is important to the plot. I was originally just going to write a bunch of smut one-shots but then came to think how my girl Vaggie is neglected in the fandom and while many works have remedied this, none have gone quite the direction I envisioned. I have lots of analysis of her on my Tumblr too if you're interested. I've never been quite this obsessed with a fictional character before so this is largely how I'm trying to work that out of my system. So there will absolutely be smut but we have to do some world building and actual plot first. I'm also trying to stick to some biblical stuff verbatim and challenge as much as I can as a "born again ex-evangelical" Unitarian Universalist.

I have a whole outline on where I want to go with this project, titled Fallen Wings as a whole with part 1 Before the Fall, Part 2 After the Fall, Part 3 season 1, Part 4 Post-Exorcisms, Part 5 Princesses of Hell, Part 6 Defense of Hell, and Part 7 Revelations as the working titles. I will focus on my headcannon of Luggie (Vaggie+Lute) for part 1, then Chaggie after this. All events from season 1 are cannon for this story, and part 4 onward may have some spoilers from season 2 leaks and eventually may diverge from the real series as I write faster than they do :) No there will not be poly. I am in a happy monogamous very gay marriage with my own wife and this is what I'm most comfortable writing. I will sprinkle other LGBTQIA stuff in and hope to more fully develop all of the main characters as well but it will mostly be from Vaggie's perspective with some Lute and Charlie. Main ships will be Chaggie and Huskerdust. Still deciding if I want Radioapple or to actually respect his Ace cannon.. They are just kinda perfect together but I also like Lucilith so we'll see.

I have a military background myself and am a psychiatrist so there will be some shameless Prozac scripts for the characters who need it and some deep delve into trauma and emotional and physical and sexual abuse because this is my jam. I will also try to put warnings for noncon and some trauma stuff ahead of time so that those who need to can skip those parts and still enjoy the work :) I tend to write sardonically and sarcastically, and my own political and religious views will likely become obvious, but I hope to capture as many aspects as I can of each character to fully flesh them out.

Also if you find the first few chapters less interesting please persist through! These are written a tad differently than my normal style for world-building and historical stuff (chapter 2-3), but I promise you will get to the smut (ch7) and actual dialogue (ch4) and hopefully some funny bits :) I'll try to sprinkle in my favorite fanart/scenes and songs that make me think of the characters as well (the link is the credit). Each title is based on a song that fits the theme of the chapter, with lyrics at the end.

Anyway, enough of my monologue and thank you again for reading! Please comment/subscribe! I take praise and criticism shamelessly :) I have the same name on Tumblr as well.

#hazbin hotel #chaggie #vaggie #charlie morningstar #charlie x vaggie #hazbin hotel vaggie #lute hazbin hotel #lute #hazbin hotel chaggie #vaggie hazbin hotel

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girl-lostconnection · 3 months ago

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Rust in pieces analysis and questions. (I'm so damn excited, I love being your anon and tysm for personally asking me to read one of your masterpieces, I'm giggling and kicking my feet. I feel so special, but you'll feel disgusted with me very soon, I'm twisted.)

Before starting, I want to apologies again, my last two asks were pitifully written. I promise I'll do better with this one.

Let's start.

Simon sees the eerie fascination rookies have with his blood; their eyes hungry whenever a rare thing happens of him getting injured — their eyes trained on any trickle of blood. There is a strange, awful hunger in them. Bleeding Ghost is bleeding god..

Your way of describing situations makes me lust over them, I can feel and see the scene in front of my eyes.

I imagine how a rookie must feel- seeing THE ghost, injured, bleeding, I'd also be hungry to see more, to see the blood tickle down his uniform and bath in it.

Author, if it was for me, I'd comment every single word you write, but I don't think that you'd enjoy reading so much of my silliness and notice how hungry I am for your attention.

Rookies come and train and go, but rumour stays morphing into morbid legend, which is more lies than truth. It makes him god, it promises death. Antsy pups twitch out of his way whenever he returns to stretch out in his bunk. Mask does little to ease their wariness — Simon never takes it off and it drives pups mad.

You make me feel like one of those rookies, seething, ready to attack, or ready to leisurely die at his hands.

Seeing god so close- I'm so greedy. If I were them, i'd act on impulse, or fascination, like Icarus, that flew too close to the sun.

He was pretty once. A long time ago. Once he could be even called beautiful. Once he didn’t need to be Ghost.

My poor baby.. </3

I won't lie, that's not my thing, if I were to see his current self in this fic without mask, I'd probably cry in disgust, but that makes him even more desirable. 'm a sick fuck

Ghost meets you in the middle of a bustling city and remembers how to breathe, wind knocking on his chest from inside out, awe reverberating through his bones — light shines down on you and your lilies, highlighting you for him. Just for him. So, God truly is out there somewhere and now is Simon’s turn to make a wish, eh?

Giggling. The only time he could ever meet me is when I buy my hair dye, or when I'm crashin out with friends.

I don't think he'd be that mesmerized by me and to imagine myself with lilies that big is silly.

Anyway, yes, yes sir, it is his turn to make a wish and pray for me to be part of his numb and still life.

Tha’s alright, luv, you probably had to wait long enough for him and got bored, did you not? Good thing he’s here now.

I'm deathly bored with my life and i'm helplessly waiting for my man, please find me soon.

I'd also get taken by author if you'd like to.

“Who’s yer bird, L.T.?” Simon pushes the restless sergeant away, grumbling under his breath but the question lodges itself in his brain, burns through the fabric of his consciousness, lights up the dark place of Simon’s head. My bird-my bird-my bird-my bird, echoes in his head and something fires up in the cold hearth of Simon’s heart. And he feels like living another day. Another deployment. For you. Another day in this mortal hell with its rust and salt, with its recoil and searing pain that comes with stray bullet nestling itself in Simon’s thigh. Simon gets written off on medical leave until further notice and it doesn't bother him much for the first time since he got into the military. It doesn't matter anymore, not when he has you to come back to.

I chuckled, I can see Ghost grumble out of annoyance from the medical leave, but also mutter quietly under his breath "lovely, m'birdie s'gonna see me"

You have a lovely place — cozy, though a tad small for his tastes. But he will take care of it. Neighbouring flat is easy to vacate and what’s one wall down if it would give you some more space to decorate? Soap could help with that. Frankly, Johnny would help with digging up another grave or three if Simon asked. And if you feed the pup well after all his hard work, Johnny will do just about anything for you too. The lad’s not picky and always fucking hungry.

B. e. a. u. t. i. f. u. l.

Gimme Ghoap x reader and I can feed the pup.

By the way.. if you ever feel like writin more Ghoap, I crave the angst, so bad. Ghoap x reader but reader feels left out and leaves. Best trope, obvious trope, please don't let reader ever go back to them.

Ghost waits for you in the dark of your kitchen, slowly plucking petal by petal off your peonies.

MY PEONIES, YOU MONSTER. I'LL TAKE YOU OUT ON SIGHT-

She loves me-she loves me not-she loves me-she loves me not—

NOOOO, YOU DESTROYED MY PEONIES TO FUCK WITH FATE.

I'VE GOT A GREEN THUMB WITH FLOWERS AND YOU DESTROY THE ONES I FINALLY BLOOMED !?!?!? YOU'RE DEAAAAD.

I'm sorry, had to get silly. Honestly, everything is delicious and I dinnae what to comment and what-not..

No harm done, right, luv? You can buy new ones tomorrow. Something brighter than all this red.

A LOT OF HARM WAS DONE. #youreonmykillinglistfuckyouMYPEONIES

He can be good if you let him.

Start with NOT killing my peonies, bitch.

Ghost pulls out a switch knife from one of your pockets and a pepper spray out of your coat. First gets tucked in his jeans, second gets tossed in the trash.

Are you in my walls?

I always bring with me a pocket knife and pepper spray.

I feel very called out. #toopersonal

Simon doesn’t mind your twitching in the slightest, too busy with slowly undressing you. Carefully and thoroughly, savouring every layer he pulls off you.

You yearned to talk about the depth of the fic, or the depth of my walls.

At this rate you are going to turn him into a daft rabid dog Price always said he was. And then you’d need to call his team in and they will need to put him down. Rabies isn’t curable and Simon’s blood is poison, so suffocation it is.

Simon = dog is my roman empire.

Do you know what angry boys do with their pretty porcelain dolls? They smash them head down, sending shattered pieces of prettily painted face flying all over the tiles.

I'm just stunned, my brain is going numb, you write so so good about these things bb. Should I be worried, should I like to know why?

Flower shop you leave with a huge bouquet in your hands, big bright flowers giving you a chance to hide your face when Simon’s fingers curl around the nape of your neck. You are getting back on your legs and Ghost can hear the turn of gears in that bright head of yours. He can feel that you get to thinking again. Smart desperate girl, he only hopes you won’t slip the moment you take a step away from him.

Hope will be the last thing to die. Yuh uh.

Rust Simon gets to everyone, luv. Even to you.

Okay so, I admire you.

I absolutely adore how you write.

This fic made me go numb and that's something.

Moving onto the questions..

-Will he someday get bored of reader?

I'm sure he will, feed me angst baby. Let us run mad.

-Our future relationship with tf!141? Will they help reader to run away? Will they cage her even more? Spill the beans <3

I hope that they'll help us out, or dinnae..

-How will reader change? Will she give in, or kill him?

-Any fun facts?

< This whole fic was scrumptious, kinda in daze from how dark it was, but loved it. Gimme 14 more of 'em.

ANYWAY, I'm sorry, you probably wanted me to be more like the other asks I did, but my brain is melting.

-🦭anon

POOKIE. YOU ARE HERE. IM SO SORRY I DID NOT SEE YOUR ASK UNTIL JUST NOW.

God, I’ve been literally pacing around waiting for it to come in and then somehow it didn’t show up in my notifications and I never saw it. Jesus, I thought you read the fic and didn’t like it much so there were no ask. BUT HERE IT IS. Tumblr tried to eat it. Thankfully to no avail.

Anyways, let’s dig in, shall we? I waited for this meal of an ask to come in like it’s the second coming of Christ.

I feel so special, but you will feel disgusted with me very soon, I’m very twisted

Don’t worry about that. I won’t😌🙌

Before starting, I want to apologize again. My last two asks were pitifully written. I promise I’ll do better with this one

Again, don’t worry about it, bb. I liked all your asks. So like it was said before, you have nothing to apologize for. Your asks are cool and you are very very fun

I imagine how a rookie must feel- seeing THE ghost, injured, bleeding, I'd also be hungry to see more, to see the blood tickle down his uniform and bath in it.

Oh, yeah, definitely. Also I dropped the small hints that at this point Ghost’s myth works against him. Because they separate his wounds, his blood, the Ghost himself from an actual human under the mask. They consider his blood a lucky charm but not an actual man training and fighting alongside them.

Author, if it was for me, I'd comment every single word you write, but I don't think that you'd enjoy reading so much of my silliness and notice how hungry I am for your attention.

Bb, I’d enjoy every second of it, you have no idea how excited I am to receive this ask and to see the size of this big boy and actual comprehensive analysis and reaction to the fic I was writing this obsessively? Seal, you are matching my freak so hard, you have NO idea how much I like reading you. So don’t overthink it, it’s all good. Please, type away

Seeing god so close- I'm so greedy. If I were them, i'd act on impulse, or fascination, like Icarus, that flew too close to the sun.

Again, really interesting (for me) thing is how their perception of Ghost is warped. Ghost himself is unreliable narrator, his self loathing and self destructive tendencies warp his own perception as we can see throughout reading. But rookies do have very mixed feelings towards him.

Mask does in fact drive them mad and Ghost think it’s because he doesn’t take it off. In reality, it’s a similar thing some people have with masked creators — rookies don’t want him to take it off. They just want to get inside of it with him. They have a fantasy of him, a very hard very bloody chair they use as his throne and actually want him to sit on it. Because that’s canon, right? That’s how the story went, didn’t it? That’s the Ghost, yeah?

I won't lie, that's not my thing, if I were to see his current self in this fic without mask, I'd probably cry in disgust, but that makes him even more desirable. 'm a sick fuck

I’m ngl, Seal, the man is a freak, he’d probably like your tears. But that was actually the point of my description of his face. My Ghost is rarely pretty in the conventional sense, because a person doesn’t need to be pretty to be hot. Like you said, you’d cry in disgust but it makes him even more desirable.

Also! There was a moment where Ghost in fact used his face as a “punishment”, but remember again — he is unreliable narrator and his perception of himself is warped. I’m not saying he actually looks like a supermodel, but I’m not saying that he is that grotesque under the mask either (though it would be fun, I should write him like that sometime)

Giggling. The only time he could ever meet me is when I buy my hair dye, or when I'm crashin out with friends. I don't think he'd be that mesmerized by me and to imagine myself with lilies that big is silly. Anyway, yes, yes sir, it is his turn to make a wish and pray for me to be part of his numb and still life.

Honestly, it was a very self-indulgent thing for me to write so I understand why big lilies and other stuff might read a bit silly or smth like that. But yeah it was self indulgent and I self inserted a bit here and there, but that’s why god has given me the ability to write.

Also, Ghost here believes that you are his fate not because of lilies (but he counts them as another factor for a fateful meeting), but because it is you. If you were buying the hair dye, he’d be just as enthralled and probably stalk you over the supermarket and tell himself that it’s not coincidence that he went for bleach this day.

So yeah, it is you as a Reader who matters, not the actual reason for meeting. He would be very much mesmerised with you even if you looked like hell or was freshly out of depressive episode.

I'm deathly bored with my life and i'm helplessly waiting for my man, please find me soon. I'd also get taken by author if you'd like to.

He is on his way, do not worry😌🙌also I’m booked for spring and winter, but autumn is free so if you feel like getting stolen away in October — *folds fingers in a phone gesture and shakes it* I’m gonna hit you up

I chuckled, I can see Ghost grumble out of annoyance from the medical leave, but also mutter quietly under his breath "lovely, m'birdie s'gonna see me"

First of all, the accent is so perfect. He absolutely would. And remember the way he went “my bird” just before the mission? He’s already obsessed. He just needed a reason or like a sign from the universe. He saw the bullet wound as one.

Gimme Ghoap x reader and I can feed the pup.

I actually do have a Ghoap fic (quite a few tbh).

It’s in the Ghoap folder. Would read a bit less cooked than this one, but I do like “The Big, The Bad and the Wolf”. There is also Acceleration AU, but beware it lacks the last part. I’m getting to it. Slowly.

Babylicious…*looks you in the eyes, smiling like a maniac* seal of my inbox, you read the Grief series already? No? Let me know what you think about it if you get to it (no pressure. It’s hurt no comfort, pure angst, poly!141 x Reader, Reader dies btw)

MY PEONIES, YOU MONSTER. I'LL TAKE YOU OUT ON SIGHT-

He’s real sorry, but they were also such a dark red:((((

And petals were so soft and then he thought about the fingers that touched it, had to eat a petal, and then kind of go “she loves me-she loves me not” with that shit because he was waiting for too long:( he got bored

NOOOO, YOU DESTROYED MY PEONIES TO FUCK WITH FATE.

He did😔man never learns

I'VE GOT A GREEN THUMB WITH FLOWERS AND YOU DESTROY THE ONES I FINALLY BLOOMED !?!?!? YOU'RE DEAAAAD.

He payed for new once the very next day if it makes it any better🥹

I'm sorry, had to get silly. Honestly, everything is delicious and I dinnae what to comment and what-not..

Oh, that’s totally fine by me. I like seeing the thought process

A LOT OF HARM WAS DONE. #youreonmykillinglistfuckyouMYPEONIES

LMAO, not in his perception of reality. But frankly speaking in his perception of reality he’s welcoming home his wayward wife from work and not a woman he saw like once on the street in the middle of Manchester

Start with NOT killing my peonies, bitch.

They were dead when he came, luv😔a true miracle it happened. Probably got the bad batch, but he’s real sorry for your loss

Are you in my walls? I always bring with me a pocket knife and pepper spray. I feel very called out. #toopersonal

Lmao, maybe. Next time check the dark corner further away from your bed, if there is a face in the dark. Maybe it is me. Maybe not. Also a glimpse of someone’s face in an impossibly small vent? Also could be me, I lurk in many places (I’m sorry, I take pleasure in horror concepts)

You yearned to talk about the depth of the fic, or the depth of my walls.

AUDIBLY CACKLED. That was very funny, Seal. I’m sorry, my self inserting fic may have self inserted you too

I'm just stunned, my brain is going numb, you write so so good about these things bb. Should I be worried, should I like to know why?

I don’t know, pookie. Should you worry, should you like to know why?👀

But about the doll part, it was so satisfying to write to be honest, because I could picture it so clearly, almost the the point of seeing how separate pieces would break off

Hope will be the last thing to die. Yuh uh

No, bb. Simon will be the last thing to die🙂

Okay so, I admire you. I absolutely adore how you write. This fic made me go numb and that's something.

Thank you so much for reading it. It is such a pleasure to receive your analysis and be able to talk about my work with you. Really, I’m super happy you liked it. Also I hope it’s a good thing that it made you go numb?👀let me know if not

< This whole fic was scrumptious, kinda in daze from how dark it was, but loved it. Gimme 14 more of 'em.

Thank you! And yeah, it is significantly heavier than most previous things I wrote and it was kind of a step out of my comfort zone. But I wanted to write something of the kind for a while so honestly, I regret nothing. I loved the end result and I enjoyed the work process. It consumed me a bit but yk what they say, to be great you need an obsession (kinda cocky of me)

Also, just for clarification, if at any point you realise that smth I recommended or wrote is not your cup of tea or it’s like too heavy for your tastes — you are under no obligation to read them. I’m happy to discuss other things and you are very fun in on yourself. I’m saying that just in case, because I’d hate to make you read stuff you wouldn’t enjoy for the sake of chatting me up about it.

You are cool and I’m a bit like Ghost, I enjoy you for your presence, demeanour and for how interesting it is to talk with you, not for your engagement with my things. Sounded better in my head but I hope you get what I mean🥲

Now, onto your questions

-Will he someday get bored of reader?

In short, no. Simon is simple man with simple tastes and again, he sincerely believes they are destiny. He doesn’t plan to divorce or part ways, he doesn’t plan for them to ever separate. He expects to die before them due to job or smth like that, but that’s about it.

Important note, Simon believes that Reader is perfect for him. Not that he’s necessarily perfect for Reader. He considers Reader a gift from the universe, his perfect person, his soulmate. Thing is, he doesn’t expect to be loved back — he expects her to fight and to run and to fight again but meaner. But he also feels like he knows her well (real condescending of him but it is what it is).

Simon thinks that Reader is meant to be his. That he is meant to be theirs, regardless of whether or not they want it themselves.

-Our future relationship with tf!141? Will they help reader to run away? Will they cage her even more? Spill the beans <3

I honestly didn’t think much of them, but hm, out of all of them maybe Kyle would help Reader to run away if he got obsessed with her in turn.

Other than that, no, they aren’t helping. I’d say they are not entirely supportive of Simon’s ways but they know Simon longer than Reader and they are Simon’s friends and Simon’s team. Not ours.

It would sound really dark but you know how if you start digging, than wives or partners of men who worked/are working in law enforcement had such a hard time getting help because their husband’s ARE the people you’d usually go for help. Because their husband’s friends are the help and they are determined to protect the husband? Yeah?

So consider that, 141 is a tight knit highly specialised unit. Most of them if not all, are war criminals. All of them have messed of perception of how relationships and things supposed to go, they just wary in degree of mmm in a way…depravity? In short it depends on how fucked up they are, but all of them are fucked, it’s just that the degree of it varies.

-How will reader change? Will she give in, or kill him?

It’s my favourite question so far because I actually thought about this one while writing the fic. Short answer she will. Will she give in? Yes. Will she try to kill him? Yes.

I won’t specify how would things go in the future, it’s up to you and me to imagine how we’d react and change in this circumstances. But, I can share what I had in mind while working on this fic.

It’s difficult to crack on how to react to Simon. At least it would be for me. Because as much as he’s a foreign object in the body of Reader’s life, he’s also not the killing blow or a torture of penetrating the tissue again and again. He’s just there.

Yes, he’s eerie. Yes, he doesn’t talk much or when he does it’s crude and short and in that thick accent of his. He isn’t nice in a usual way.

But he isn’t cruel either. Simon doesn’t consider himself abusive, he doesn’t hit Reader, he doesn’t mock her, he doesn’t make a point by humiliating her. He doesn’t think he hurts her. Not intentionally at least.

But he also doesn’t think that it would be a bad thing to alienate her from her usual circle of friends and family. He doesn’t think that him appearing like a sleep paralysis demon in her kitchen hurt her. He doesn’t think that not asking for permission to undress or bathe her, hurt her. He doesn’t think it was hurtful.

Also even things he does deem hurtful are highly subjective in his perception of a situation. Does him grazing his teeth on her neck hurt? Does him leaving a hickey on her boob hurt? Would it hurt if he bit down on her while cuming? Would it hurt if he sank his teeth in leaving a scar? Is it hurting? Does it hurt if he takes a bite out?

Simon is fucked up. In many ways. Just because he doesn’t think he isn’t hurting her doesn’t mean he isn’t. But he does try (in his own way and perception of it) to be good and to do right by her. Simon doesn’t think he’s abusive (again). Simon thinks he can try and be decent for her (but decency is also highly subjective, you know).

So my Reader, she would try to kill him, but she never would kill him. And he knows it. She wouldn’t kill him even if he gave her the knife and spread hands out.

She wouldn’t kill him because she is a normal inherently good person as an antipode to how fucked up he is. And that’s another thing he absolutely eats up. Slurps up like a smoothie. She is good and she is kind and she is nice.

He isn’t. Well, he tries to be better but yk, at some point she’d need to match his freak.

Also as much as Simon is eerie and tense, he does try to be better. He tries to be good for her. He tries to be nice. He would do things she likes, he would eat food she likes, he’d go to places she likes (to an extent). He has his limits and he does need occasional hours to decompress but other than that he doesn’t mind if his love takes the lead.

He’s the epitome of “me and my girl never fight. She says to shut up and I do”

-Any fun facts?

Shit, I forgot so we are gonna quickly edit the post and hope it’s gonna be fine.

So yeah, I have a few! The fic itself was inspired by two separate poems by Serhii Zhadan because I was reading him at the time.

The pink curtains part was inspired by actual curtains my family members has in her living room. I absolutely adore them and they make the whole place look like magic. I have never been more in love with light than when I am in that room with pink curtains.

Ghost is really fucked up and if you’d dig deeper the things would just get darker because I used the knowledge I have about unhealthy controlling relationships and people who can’t help it and carved him out. Yup. Still delicious since it’s fiction. But yeah, I drew inspiration from things I encountered in actual life for some of his behaviour and reasoning

Big lilies and big bouquets is something I do and something that is a tradition for my family. All of us love flowers so we do buy whichever we liked on our way home if we saw any. So yeah, walking with big bouquet is a real thing that I do pretty often

I made a Pinterest board for this specific fanfic and also there is a very delicious collage for it, you are welcome to check it out — I love it personally.

The doll part was real vivid for me and honestly, if you’d asked I’d probably be able to describe to you exactly the way doll looked down to the dress and lashes

ANYWAY, I'm sorry, you probably wanted me to be more like the other asks I did, but my brain is melting.

Seal, im in love with this ask. This is amazing ask. I had so much fun reading it and even more fun answering it. This is like an early Christmas/Birthday present. This was super great, thank you so much for reading Rust in Pieces and for taking time to write the analysis.

#call of duty #cod mw2 #girl.asks #seal.asks #seal anon

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