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[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

On the subject of the period tracker meme in TWST…how do you think the guys would react, Miss Raven? Like what do you think their login lines would be or how would they react to you being on your period? Sorry if this is overstepping, in that case then please ignore. Don’t want to make you uncomfortable if this isn’t something you want to talk about.

[Referencing this post!]

I’m going to include Grim, the Ramshackle Ghosts, NRC staff, RSA boys, and Halloweenies here too because why not 😂 And these are going to be my general thoughts, since I think login lines are too short to capture the nuances of what I’m trying to explain! This is unironically some of my best work yet—

***Note: This is going off the assumption that Yuu has a platonic relationship with the characters (ie no romantic implications), similar to what is established in the actual login lines. I will also be assuming gender neutral pronouns for the reader, but there may be references to other menstruators that are women (such as characters' family members).***

Curiouser and Curiouser...

NRC Students

Riddle has the technical knowledge, but struggles to apply that knowledge when the situation demands it. H-He has never had to do this before! Riddle has his anatomy and physiology textbook out and reads directly from it as he tries to figure out how to best help you, double and triple checking the directions before handing you any medication or even a heating pad. Stiffly offers you tea and pours it for you himself. Offers to bring you any classwork you miss, plus homework. Being on your period is no excuse to not keep up with your lessons!

Trey goes into big brother/dad mode. Dotes on you. Bakes you cookies, pies, tarts, cakes, etc. to feed the munchies while you’re bleeding out. His food is also warm and comforting, like a hug. What are your favorites? Tell him, he’ll prepare them. Asks every other hour how you’re feeling or if you need anything. Gives an awkward laugh if you get into the particulars of periods. He’d rather not, he’s just here to make sure you’re okay.

Cater has tons of experience dealing with this kind of thing. When his older sisters were on their periods, they’d whine for him to go out and buy stuff for them—pads, snacks, OTC pain relief meds, you name it, Cay-kun bought it! He knows exactly what you need, so just leave it to him, okay~? Besides, he can’t just leave you hanging like this… even if you do look kinda cute and pathetic writhing like that!

Ace, UGH 💀 Quintessential teenage boy. No clue what a period is, doesn’t understand why you’re in pain—but claims that he, in fact, does know because (ah-HEM!) he actually has mad game and plenty of experience with women!! (He doesn’t.) Calls you while he’s at the Mystery Shop to ask for what pussy size you wear.

Deuce is in a similar boat as Ace. He kind of sort of knows what a period is but didn’t ever think about the particulars. Not the sharpest tool in the shed, can you blame him? Deuce hits the books to learn more about the subject (it’s what an honors student would do, right?) but is horrified to learn you’re “ovulating”. “D-Does that mean you’re going to lay an egg?! Are you secretly a chicken, Prefect?!” Tries to be polite and understanding about it, but comes off as awkward instead.

Leona has the tact to not openly remark on a woman’s time of month. He just kind of makes an unreadable expression and quickly looks away before you get any strange ideas. When he catches you alone, he makes some haughty remark that insinuates that he knows—and as you’re blanching with embarrassment, he (to your shock) casually tosses a bag of period supplies at your feet. There’s everything you could possible need in there!! You glance up, about to thank him, but Leona’s already sauntering away and waving a hand dismissively. “Don’t say I never do anything for ya, herbivore.” Now he’s off to nap peacefully—and, hopefully, you can too.

Ruggie just shrugs. It’s not really any of his business, now is it? The more time he spends loitering around here and lookin’ after you, the less time he’s spending making money at his part/time jobs! “Sheesh, looks like you’ve got it rough~ Glad I’m not you. I’d still have to work my tail off, bleedin’ or not!” Maybe if he’s feeling generous, he’ll save you some free food from whatever he can salvage from work. Want him to grab you something on the way over? Pay him for his time and effort!

Jack smells the blood at first and worries that you’re injured (n-not that he cares or anything). Once he realizes what that smell is, he’ll apologize and will make things right by dedicating himself to supporting you! Dutifully trails after you like a duckling that imprinted on the first thing he saw when he hatched. Quick to rush in and do things even when not asked to. Is okay with even carrying you around if need be—it’s a good workout for him, so it’s a win-win!

Azul shows up “randomly” with a care package he “just so happens” to have on him. Dramatically offers you the care package and thanks you for “taking it off of his hands”. Not-so-subtly also implies he can whip up elixirs that are effective at numbing period pain, or perhaps you'd prefer a massage from his strong octopus arms?—for a price, of course. He studied up on human physiology and had Jade snoop around for details on your cycle; this was all orchestrated well in advance and Azul intends on collecting on this favor at a later point in time. Does a smug little evil chuckle to himself as he walks away.

Oh, Jade knows. (See Azul’s section above.) He acts as though he doesn’t though. For example, he’ll hold something you need out of reach just to watch you squirm and struggle in discomfort to obtain it. Once you cast aside your pride and confess what’s going on, Jade will feign surprise and apologize. Brews you a relaxing mushroom tea to help with the cramps. Kindly offers his services, acts like the perfect, sweetest, most attentive butler you could ever ask for. (… Though you have unfortunately made the mistake of letting Jade into your quarters. He’s just waiting for you to doze off so he can rifle through your things and collect dirt.)

Floyd thinks it’s hilarious. Human bodies are so weird! You bleed every month? Hah, sure must suck. He’s so glad he doesn’t have to deal with that. Pesters you with a bunch of questions about how periods work. Asks if a band-aid is enough to deal with it. Laughs when you double over and coos about the poor Shrimpy. If he’s in the mood, he’ll give ya a lift—but it’s a bumpy ride, and he’ll attempt to parkour with you on him. Might cook you up some good grub too. It’s a gamble—are you willing to try your luck?

Kalim hears you’re bleeding and has a mild freakout about it. Hires the best medical team money can buy to examine you and to make sure you’re okay. Relieved to learn it’s just a period. “Hey, so… I’m glad you’re alright and all, but what’s a period?” he asks. Listens to you talk about it, but concludes he still doesn’t understand the intricacies. Gets the gist that you’re in pain once a month and resolves to totally pamper you for that week or so. Provides Oasis Maker water too--it's so refreshing! Whatever you want, just say the word and it’s yours! You’ll have nothing to worry about :)) Kalim’s sure Jamil won’t say no to lending you a helping hand too he’s being voluntold to.

Jamil is used to this drama/j from Najma. Very calm about the whole ordeal. Hovers and tuts like a mother hen, but more quietly judgy. Prepares delicious home cooked meals and pain relief remedies, fetches items + runs errands for you. Makes sure you’re comfortable. Even offers to plump your pillows. Basically feels obligated to do this on behalf of Kalim; wishes he were doing something else, but hey… this is preferable to having to deal with frantic last minute party preparations.

Vil is very mature and no-nonsense about it. Please, only a child would behave crudely over a natural bodily process like this. He recommends vitamins and yoga stretches for alleviating cramps and to reduce bloating. Blends you nutritious smoothies and plans balanced meals to keep your energy up. Vil also prepares essential oils to help you relax. Here’s a diffuser for your room, and he has these bottles of fragrance you can dab on your temples and wrists.

You don’t even need to say anything. Rook gives you That Look (TM) that tells you immediately that he knows what’s up. Probably knows your period is coming like a week in advance of it actually arriving. Unexplained period supplies show up on your doorstep. There’s a note and a rose with them. Someone has written you a lengthy poem about how the “crimson petals” are “peeling away from thine flower”, so please accept these items and take care of yourself! The supplies replenish themselves whenever you’re just about to run out, too. Rook knows you’d probably prefer your privacy for these matters—he wouldn’t want to make you feel self-conscious! … So he makes sure to make himself discreet when he hides in your walls to watch over you and ensures you’re comfortable.

Whoa, you bleed every month? That’s METAL!! Epel has heard about periods from the elderly ladies in Harveston. The way they talk about it, it’s like they survived a war!! That must make your gut super tough…! It earns you his respect. He looks at you like you’re some kind of VIP. Epel gifts you a bright red apple every day, saying that it will keep the doctor away. Offers to rush by on a (borrowed from Ignihyde) magiwheel/blastcycle to drop off anything you may need.

Idia blue screens and keyboard smashes in a panic. It’s already hard enough for him to interact with people face-to-face but now you have to go and drop this bombshell on him?! How’s an otaku to cope?! Sends you memes and funny videos via a messaging app. Can’t be bothered with going in-person. Might send candies or ramen cups via a drone. You can’t see how alarmed he is whenever he sends you a new text. Not because he’s worried, but because the idea of a period grosses him out. Why are organic beings so unhygienic?? Machines are so much cleaner and more efficient!!

Ortho rattles off facts about your cycle based on the data he has collected. Basically a living period tracker. (It’s scary how much he knows about your health.) Has a list of light exercises, relaxation techniques, and OTC medications loaded to fire off at you. Also advises you eat each iron, fiber, and protein-rich foods to restock on the nutrients you lost from shedding your uterine lining. Remember to hydrate too! Ortho’s just trying to be helpful!

Malleus is familiar with Briar Valley politics, not bodily functions. Ever curious, he listens to your explanation of periods, staring and nodding slightly all the while. Comes to the conclusion that the child of man is suffering immensely and that it is his noble duty as a Draconia to look after the less fortunate. Proceeds to breathe a line of fire to “gently warm you up”. Then attempts electrical stimulation, which brings about a massive lightning storm that has you dodging, rolling, and sprinting to avoid being hit. Malleus dials it back when he realizes his attempts aren’t that helpful. Sulks about it until you tell him you really appreciate the attempt, but just good food and good company is enough for you. He’s able to provide, using magic to make the cutlery dance and to float over some delicious-looking dishes. Sits across from you and says he will keep you company for as long as you may need.

Lilia is oddly very knowledgeable about periods (you figure 700 years of living and a few hundred years of travel must count for something). Unfortunately, he refers to periods as “the peak of one’s fertility” just to mess with you. Keeps you company while you’re in pain and grabs whatever you need, no questions asked. Tells you about how women "back then" managed their periods with cloth rags, cotton, and even animal fur or dried toads. Peasant women had to go without, as they couldn't afford cloth. Endless stories and songs, sometimes exposited to you while Lilia hangs upside down from the ceiling. Do not, however, eat anything he tries to feed you, even if he claims they are "time-tested herbal remedies"! One time he suggested acupuncture or acupressure--techniques he learned of from the east--for period pain cramps. You turned down that idea, which he said was "a shame", as he had been meaning to try it out.

Silver notices you’ve been looking tired and a little out of it lately. Asks if he can touch you, then proceeds to pat you down in various spots…?! He nods and announces you he feels you have a lot of tension in your body, so you should exercise to relieve yourself of it. (You think about letting him know what’s up, but you’d feel bad for “tarnishing” his pure mind.) Invites you to join him for his daily training. Is kind enough to stop and wait for you to catch up or to adjust the exercise to make it more doable for you. Plenty of breaks to drink water and to catch your breath. His animal buddies sometimes bring nuts and berries as snacks or flowers, which you press to your nose to recharge. You and Silver rest in the shade of a tree and end up napping the day away.

Despite coming from a household with two women and even reading some books on growing up, Sebek is still quite bashful and skittish on the subject of periods. He thinks of it as something weirdly intimate but will never confess that to you. Sebek instead shouts very loudly that “mere menstruation” is “no excuse” to not get up and work hard!! Why, he’s had to endure much more hellish training under Lilia-sama’s tutelage!! … You have him to thank for everyone in the school knowing when it’s that time of month for you. (He gets bonked on the head by Lilia and Silver and is told to apologize, which he does so very quietly.) Hands you a book about menstruation and tells you to study up.

Grim has no concept for what a period is. Acts all cool about it though and promises he’ll take the best care of his minion!! He proceeds to struggle using a can opener to crack open a tuna can (it’s your lunch). Spends the rest of the day acting as a heating pad and weighted blanket over your stomach region. Surprisingly very effective.

NRC Staff + Ramshackle

Crowley smiles and wishes you well—but he keeps taking progressive steps back as he talks, almost like he’s hoping to wander off without you noticing. The man is on a tangent about the weather and changes the subject every time you try to bring it back to your period. What? You say he’s dodging his responsibility to look after his students? N-Nonsense! This is a matter for the school nurse, not the headmaster! You want a magic lift to the infirmary? Oh, would you look at the time! Crowley has a very important meeting to go to. You’d better be on your way to the infirmary then, hmm? Toodles, and best of luck!

Crewel is similar to Vil, aware and mature about how to deal with it periods in his own way. Has a spare pair of pants and a sweater on standby for you change into or to wear over stained bottoms. Gives tips on how to wash period blood out of various fabrics so they don't stain. Cold water, hand wash, air dry! Commands Grim to be a good boy and take responsibility for his partner. "Tend to their every need until they are at full health again. Am I understood?!" Tells you to take it easy, you won't perform at your best in your current condition--but he still expects your homework to be in tomorrow! Willing to grant an extension if needed.

Trein thankfully already went through this crisis when his daughters had theirs for the first time, so he knows just what to do now. Refrains from assigning detention for lateness and lack of attentiveness; lets you off with a very sternly worded warning. (Lucius makes himself comfortable in your lap during the lecture.) Trein discreetly passes along some pads after the other students have filtered out of class. Offers tea and light sandwiches in the teacher’s lounge. Lets you know you can come to him if the boys are being mean to you. He’ll give them a good scolding! After all, upstanding gentlemen shouldn’t engage in such behaviors.

Vargas recommends that you join him for exercising. Physical activity can help reduce period cramps, so up and at’m, champ!! Have you tried having a few dozen eggs? Protein can do wonders for the body! Here, he’ll prepare them for you in a raw egg smoothie!

With big ol’ grin, Sam cheerily advertises his wares. He’s got all the feminine hygiene products you could ask for, any snack you could want, OTC medications of choice, IN STOCK NOW!! The Mystery Shock also offers delivery for an extra little fee if you’d like to save yourself some time (and your body some effort).

The Ramshackle Ghosts are old and dead, so they're... let's just say not that well acquainted with bodily functions. They understand that you're in a tough spot though, so they'll step up unlike Crowley to ensure you're okay! They'll do your shopping, float over to the main building to fetch any work you miss, and grab grub for you from the ghost chefs in the cafeteria. Anything Crowley asks you to do, the Ramshackle Ghosts will do in your place. They even sew together some old curtains and couch stuffing to make a pillow for you to rest on. Randomly poke their heads through the walls to check on you.

RSA Students

Chenya’s eyes keep wandering, and he’s humming some tune or saying something cryptic about the color red. It doesn’t sound like he’s really listening to you, but no—he’s actually been listening well this entire time. Here, chew on this unidentified plant he picked up! It’ll help mellow you out and reduce the pain. Trust him, he learned this from his grandpa! And once you’re nice ‘n cozy…! Nyah! You won’t mind if he settles in for a little catnap beside ya, would you?

Neige frets for your health (it’s no good to lose blood) and, with a kind smile, tells you to please relax! He’ll take care of all your chores for the time being. Neige gracefully tackles the cleaning, cooking, and other housework. He somehow manages to get it done despite also balancing school and his celeb gigs, and never seems to be bothered by it. Sings lullabies to help soothe you.

The Seven Dwarves do a a group huddle (Dominic leading) and debate about what they should do to help you. They try making music, preparing porridge, and offering you shiny rocks they found on the ground. Once they also picked flowers and swarmed your bed with them, as if they’re mourners at a funeral procession. They’re small gestures, but you figure it’s the thought that counts… right? 💦

Halloweenies (Halloween Event Characters)

Rollo frowns. Deeply. He does not understand why you’re telling him about this. “You ought to be keeping such sensitive health information to yourself”, he chastises you. Keeps his handkerchief pressed over his nose and looks the most disgusted and repulsed you've ever seen this man (save for when he's doomposting about Malleus Draconia). Might give you a croissant or some meds out of pity, but hands it over with his full arm extended to maximize the distance he has to stand away from you, or just leaves the items on a table and tells you to come fetch them. Says he will "pray for you."

Fellow never got a formal education, so what he knows about periods is limited to what he hears through the grapevine (ie various women he has conned). He’s aware it involves bleeding from… down there—he can smell it—but has no clue how to handle it. Has too much pride to confess to the truth. Acts like he knows what he’s talking about by playing up being a doctor. Has Gidel scribble in a notepad as if it is your patient chart while Fellow reads off your symptoms and gives you a random diagnosis he made up on the spot. Hands you an apple he finished eating (there’s only the core left) and pats you on the head, telling you you’ll be juuust fine~!

Gidel is too young to know what a period is. All he understands is that you seem to be in great pain, and he feels bad seeing you like this 💦 He sees you clutching your stomach or lying in bed; is it maybe a tummyache? Gidel offers you half of his loaf of bread. He gets tummy grumblies on an empty stomach too, so he knows what that’s like! Tries to do silly things like making funny faces and dancing to cheer you up.

Skully does not know what a period is. (I’M SORRY, bro lived like hundreds of years ago; am I supposed to believe they had pads back then, let alone menstrual cycle education for people???) He’ll listen to you explain, but his face gets paler and paler as you continue. Makes a shocked, wide-eyed expression, hands on his cheeks. A “why would God do this to women” look. Looks slightly faint after the fact, but offers to assist you with whatever you need; simply call for him, and this gentleman will come running!

[covenofagatha]

The Psychology of Love (Part 1)

The First Day

Your first class of Personality Psychology with Professor Agatha Harkness awaits

Word count: 3.5k

Warnings: very light smut, slowburn, teacher x student

“Can you believe we’re graduating college in the spring?” your best friend and roommate, Wanda Maximoff, asks when you sit down at the table in the dining hall with a plate of toast and a cup of orange juice. 

You shake your head, brain still foggy with sleep, and silently curse yourself for picking the nine AM class on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. It’s the first day of your senior fall semester and you already know it’s going to be rough. You really hope this is the kind of class that has optional attendance. 

Wanda is much more of a morning person than you are, with chipper green eyes and a glow to her pale skin. She was more than happy to sign up for all early classes and you wish you had half of her energy. 

“You have Creative Writing at nine and then Gender and Sexuality Studies at ten-fifteen?” you ask. Wanda’s an English major and you sometimes wish you had gone down that route as opposed to Psychology. It’s interesting, of course, but some of the courses you’ve had to take made you want to poke your eyes out with boredom. 

She nods. “What do you have?” 

Shrugging, you pull out your phone to look at your schedule. “Personality Psych at nine,” you say. “Physiological Psych at twelve. I really hope these aren’t bad.” 

“Did you look up the professors? I did—apparently one of mine was fired for making racist comments and then rehired by the university,” Wanda scoffs and your eyes widen. “He apparently sued, it was a whole thing. So I bet that class should be fun.” 

Her sarcasm makes you chuckle and then wince. “No, fuck, I didn’t look,” you say, inwardly kicking yourself. When you had registered for classes, there were only certain times that some of them were offered so you had to work around that. You didn’t get to be picky in your senior year, when you were down to the last few classes you needed to graduate. 

You zoom in on the professor’s name for your first class on the screenshot of your schedule—Agatha Harkness. Typing it into google, you say a silent prayer that she’s an easy-A teacher. 

Clicking on the first website, your face falls when you see that she has a two-point-nine out of five rating, with the average grade being a C. Difficulty level four out of five. Attendance mandatory. You scroll through the reviews and your heart sinks lower with each one. 

Barely any homework, tests are about ninety percent of the grade. 

I made two-hundred flashcards and still failed the final exam. Professor Harkness is a total hardass. 

I didn’t wear my seatbelt while driving to class in the hopes I’d get into a car crash. 

“Jesus,” you mutter. Some of them are a little better, saying that she’s a wicked genius, and that going to office hours will help. One of them says she has some unorthodox ways of teaching psychology and that she picks favorites—but it’s effective. 

You put your phone away, not even bothering to look up any of your other professors. Sometimes, ignorance is bliss. 

Wanda gets up to get some eggs and you bite into your cold toast, but you’ve lost your appetite. It’s your senior year and you can’t let your GPA tank this semester—you refuse to let that happen. If it takes going to office hours every day for the week before an exam, or buttering your professor up, you’ll fucking do it. 

“Nat and I heard about a welcome-back rager that one of the sororities is hosting tonight,” Wanda says when she comes back. Natasha is her girlfriend, one of your other best friends. You take all the credit for them getting together. Both of them had confessed that they liked the other to you so you had made a reservation for dinner for the three of you at a restaurant known for its romantic setting and then you had texted them about three minutes before to let them know that you wouldn’t be able to make it. 

Wanda didn’t come back to the dorm that night and when she had stumbled back in the next morning, her neck was covered in hickeys. 

Your nose wrinkles. “A sorority?” Not that you have anything against them, you just imagine their parties being very guy-infested. 

She laughs and rolls her eyes fondly. “It’s not what you’re thinking. They’re all invite-only and this is a queer sorority.” 

“Oh. Yeah, that sounds fun then.”

“Maybe you can get some action,” Wanda smirks, raising her eyebrows suggestively. 

Snorting, you take a long sip of orange juice to delay answering. Your love life has been complicated to say the least. Your first serious relationship was in freshman year of college, when a girl who had lived across the hall from you asked you out and no one had told you that it was a bad idea to date someone who lives that close to you. She was clingy and immature and you weren’t convinced that she actually cared about you—more just the idea of you. 

And you felt more from just a few compliments from women twice your age than you did the entire time with her. 

Looking back on it now, the whole thing was a bit of a mistake but you had gotten some experience from it and thankfully you had moved dorm buildings and hadn’t seen her again since. 

There had been some hookups in the past two years—drunk calls and makeouts in the bathroom at parties—but no one had caught your eye. 

“Yeah, we’ll see,” you say evasively. It just felt like something was constantly missing. You hadn’t opened up to Wanda or Nat about it, but you secretly longed for what the two of them had with each other. “It’s tonight?” 

Wanda hums. “At nine. So Nat will come over around then and we can pregame and then head over? Can’t be too early.” 

You shake your head at how egregious it would be before laughing. Natasha plops down next to Wanda, out of breath, before kissing her girlfriend on the cheek. They giggle to each other and you push your chair back. 

“I should probably get going. I can only imagine what my professor would do if I’m late,” you say. 

One of your general psych professors taught you that there’s only one type of person who goes out of their way to do a survey or write a review: someone who feels incredibly strongly about it. For each person who wrote a bad review about Professor Harkness, there’s surely five people who did just fine in the class with no complaints. That makes you feel a little better and you smile at your friends before trekking across campus. 

Her classroom is in the Psychology building, which is possibly the furthest one from the dining hall, and by the time you get there and walk up the flight of stairs, your calves are burning and you have to make an effort to control your heavy breathing. 

But you have five minutes to spare and the room is empty, so you lean against the wall next to the door on your phone. You’re already getting notifications of assignments for this week—why do you have five things to do for one class? A ball of stress starts to coil in your stomach. 

“Nervous habit?” someone asks, and it takes you a moment to realize that they’re talking to you. You look up, surprised, and find an older woman, maybe late forties, with curly dark hair that’s tossed over her shoulders, dark blue eyes that pierce into yours, and large, black glasses resting on her nose. She’s wearing a navy dress with a black blazer and smart brown shoes. Her eyebrow is posed expectantly and you realize that you’ve been chewing on your thumb nail. 

You clear your throat and straighten up, a feeling that you can’t quite name growing inside you. “Sorry?” 

Her lips slowly stretch into a smile and you catch a whiff of her perfume—a unique blend of warm vanilla with a dark coffee and something extra that adds a little spice. “Are you here for class?” she asks. 

“Yeah, um, Personality Psych,” you answer, feeling like you’re missing out on something. She looks absolutely delighted and steps to the side of you to open the door to the classroom. The pieces slowly click into place and your mouth drops open. “You—you’re Professor Harkness?”

She smirks. “Not who you were expecting?” 

She is not who you were expecting at all. The reviews made it sound like she was a mean crone deriving pleasure from failing students left and right. Not an attractive older woman.

You swallow roughly. 

Professor Harkness tilts her head to the side and you brush past her into the classroom, muttering a “Not really,” her scent lingering in your nostrils. It’s a small room and you sit at a desk in the second row on the left side, where the lectern is. You’ve found that it’s easier to focus when you’re close to the teacher. 

More students trickle in and sit behind you or to the side of you. No one takes the desk in front of you, though, so when Professor Harkness sweeps through the aisles of chairs and stops at the front, you’re in her direct line of sight. Her eyes twinkle when they land on you and you squirm.

“Welcome to Personality Psychology,” she announces at nine on the dot. “I am Professor Agatha Harkness. I have a PhD in clinical and behavior psychology. I’m sure many of you have heard or read that this class is difficult.” 

Out of your peripheral vision, you see some people nodding and nervously chuckling. 

She slams a hand down on the surface of the lectern, making everyone jump. “They are correct. But, let me tell you something. A lot of the students that take this class think it will be easy. They hear ‘Freud’ and they think ‘Oedipus Complex’. They hear ‘biological approach’ and they think ‘nature versus nurture’. Of course we will cover that—but we will also go very deep into what each theory pertains and includes. People fail because they think there’s too much information so they give up. What’s the solution?Try.” 

You wonder if she saw the review from the person that said they made two-hundred flashcards and still failed. 

Agatha moves to the desk next to the lectern to log into the computer. Quiet chatter fills the room, people introducing themselves to each other, but you dig in your bag and pull out a notepad and a pen. Your psych teacher in high school taught you that writing down information helps your brain retain it better than typing, so you’ve grown accustomed to taking notes by hand. 

She presses a button and the screen at the front of the classroom turns on and projects the syllabus. Agatha quickly goes through it, making note of the three exams and two research presentations that are scattered throughout the semester, and someone raises their hand. 

“So we only have five grades?” he asks, a nervous tremor in his voice. You’re right there with him—it will be very hard to bring your grade back up if you do bad on a test. 

Agatha stares him down. “If you do well on each one, you won’t need more than that.” The boy stammers but she moves on, telling everyone that attendance is indeed mandatory and that she won’t be posting the slides for notes online. You inwardly groan, hoping that your fear of failure will outweigh your lack of motivation. 

When she closes the tab with the syllabus, you hear rustling behind you and you turn slightly to see a girl packing up. A quick check of your watch shows that there’s still thirty minutes left.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Agatha says. “Did I dismiss the class?” 

The girl freezes before slinking back into her seat. “No, sorry, I just thought—” 

Agatha laughs humorlessly and you flinch. “Well, you are dismissed. We’ll see you on Wednesday unless you drop the class first.” The girl’s mouth drops open, eyes glassy, but she holds her head high as she walks out of the door.  

If you were her, you’re not sure you’d be able to come back. 

“Alright, let’s get into it,” Agatha says, clicking on a new tab and opening a slideshow. There’s a quiet ugh among everyone—of course she’s making you take notes on the first day. “What is personality?” 

No one moves an inch, no one says a word. 

She scoffs and stands up, perusing the room. You’re sure everyone is doing the exact same thing as you—looking anywhere but the professor. Raising your hand to your mouth and biting your fingernails, you feel her eyes on you and you reluctantly meet her gaze. 

“It’s the way you think and behave?” you offer and she smiles pleasantly. A feeling of warmth spreads through you at the validation. 

She clicks to the next slide. “Very good. The definition I want you to know is that personality is first and foremost a construct. It’s an idea that we created. It’s a person’s overall, individual pattern of behaviors, emotions and thoughts. There are five basic approaches to how we can look at personality.” 

You furiously scribble that down. You’re one of the only people who’s writing notes and she thankfully waits for you to look up before continuing. 

“We have the Trait approach, the Biological approach, the Psychoanalytical approach, the Phenomenological approach, and the Behavioral approach. I’m sure some of you are familiar with most of these, but over the semester, we’re going to really dive into how each of these approaches views personality and what they think is the basis for it. There are a lot of different ways to assess personality, some a lot more legitimate methods than others.”

Someone raises their hand and Agatha nods at them. “The Trait approach is where we look at the Big Five personality test, right?” 

Agatha sighs and clicks to the next slide. “Don’t ask questions you already know the answer to in an attempt to appear smart. It doesn’t work.” You stifle a laugh—she sees and winks at you and your cheeks flush. 

She continues talking a bit, giving you a bit of information about each one, before telling everyone to take out a piece of paper. 

“Draw a picture of a house and your family, whatever it looks like to you,” Agatha instructs. She sets a timer for five minutes while she walks around and glances at people’s work. 

When she gets to you, her perfume invades your nostrils as she bends over your shoulder. You can feel her hair brush your back. She hums in your ear and your stomach heats up. 

“This is an example of a projection test. You can tell a lot about a person based on how they drew the things,” she says, sitting back at her desk. “How intricate they draw the house. If it looks like the place they grew up in. Where they put themselves compared to the rest of the family. Who is even included in the family. I’m not going to collect these, but if you do want me to take a look at them so you can judge for yourself how accurate it is, stay after class. If not, then you may go and I’ll see everyone on Wednesday.” 

You’re the only person who doesn’t immediately rush out the door and you slowly make your way up to her, paper in hand. Her eyes flick to yours and she smirks, like she knew she could count on you. 

She holds out her hand and you give her your drawing. The lines on her forehead crease and she nods, analyzing it. You shift and scratch your head and resist the urge to bite your nails because of her comment earlier. 

Agatha puts the paper down on the desk, faced towards you. “The house isn’t detailed—just a square with a door and four windows and a triangle as the roof. Maybe you’re just not an artist, or maybe you never really considered any place home.” 

It feels like all the air gets sucked out of your lungs. 

“There’s space between you and these people,” she points to you and then to your mom, brother, and father, “but there’s also space between your parents. Or that’s who I’m guessing they are.” 

You nod. 

“It seems like you don’t feel very connected to them, or to your home. Maybe their home specifically?” She looks up at you, lips quirked up. “So, projective tests—total nonsense?” 

Chuckling shakily, you meet her eyes. “Total,” you joke. 

Agatha leans back in her chair and studies you. “What made you want to study psychology?” 

“Oh, well, I don’t know,” you say lamely, shifting your weight from one foot to another. “I guess I just like knowing how people think. What about you?” 

There’s a dark glint in her eyes. “Understanding people, the way they think—” she gestures to you in agreement with your answer, “—it gives you power over them. You know how to get inside their head, you know how to get what you want.” 

The air seems to thicken around you two and her perfume makes you dizzy. “What do you want?” you ask, voice barely above a whisper. Her eyebrow twitches up. 

“Right now, I want a coffee,” she asserts, standing up and handing you back your paper. Whatever spell, whether real or imagined on your end, is broken and Agatha smiles. “I’ll see you Wednesday?” 

The unspoken question is if you’re going to drop the class, if you’re scared off by her demeanor. You meet her gaze firmly. “I’ll see you then.” 

“Have a good rest of the day, y/n,” she says, walking past you and out the door, and you stand there, agape, realizing that you never told her your name.  ~~~

“I’m Natasha Romanoff! I’m friends with Stacy,” Nat yells over the pumping music from inside the sorority. The girl at the door nods and moves to the side to let you, Nat, and Wanda into the house. 

The lights are a deep blue and you see people in the corners doing shots and playing beer pong, there’s girls making out in the middle of the floor, guys outside in the pool. You turn to say something to your friends, but they’ve already gone off somewhere else and left you standing there alone. 

So you go and fill a cup up with beer from the keg and take in the scene, perfectly content to just be a wallflower for the night. You’re not even really sure why you came, but you had nothing else to do and now the drinks you had earlier are settling pleasantly in your stomach, making your veins buzz and your head float.

“Hey!” someone says loudly and you look to the side to find a girl with dark hair and blue eyes standing there. “You look lonely.” 

You laugh and take another sip. “My friends left me. They’re probably hooking up in a bedroom right now.” 

She leans in closer and you find yourself mirroring her. “Do you want to go look in the bedrooms and see if we can find them?” 

“What? Why would I—” She raises an eyebrow and it clicks. “Wait, are you hitting on me?” She nods and you down the rest of your drink. You’re about to apologize and walk away when you inhale and smell something. 

Vanilla, coffee, and a hint of something else. 

There’s a flicker of heat in your stomach and you reach out a hand to cup her cheek, bringing her closer to you. 

It’s her. You can’t explain it, but energy thrums under your skin and you pull her mouth to yours. The scent fills your nose and your mouth and you moan. She pushes you against the wall and you don’t even know her name but you don’t care. 

Your tongue licks into her mouth and she whimpers, hands frantically sliding down your body and around your waist. You’ve never done anything like this before, never this reckless, but there’s something about her that is driving you crazy. 

Her fingers fiddle with the button on your jean shorts before sliding in, her smell the only thing you can focus on and it hits you. 

It’s the same perfume as Agatha was wearing in class. 

You should stop because it’s so fucked up but you’re too wet now to just walk away so you wrap your arms around her to bring her closer. 

And when she slides a finger into you, in a hallway in a sorority house amidst fifty other undergraduates, your professor is all you can think about.

Part Two

@lostbutlovely33 @diorrxckstar @whoreforolderfictionalwomen  @katekathry @onemansdreamisanothermansdeath @tayasmellsapples @natashashill @mybraininblood @mysticalmoonlight7  @cactuslover2600 @loveem0mo @readysteddiero-nance @lonelyhalfwitch @lesbiantortilla @crescendoofstars @sol-in-wonderland @ahsfan05 @gbab09 @sasheemo @agathaharness @live-laugh-love-lupone @chiar4anna @fuckedupforkhahn @lowlyjelly @sweetmidnights @n3bula-cats @m1vfs @agathascoven1

[cloverapple]

Thank you for posting! Reading your stuff is a lot of help, and your shifting method is awesome sauce i've been using it for the past two nights (the reasons for why I didn't shift i'm self-aware of and will proceed accordingly, not writing it down here because i feel like it's unneccesarry and don't think you can say much abt it) what I was curious if you could give advice about is: fear of shifting? Don't get me wrong i really want to shift. Been on this journey for years for a reason! And i think soon i'll finally do it, as i've never been as consistent, putting in actual work, as I am and as I do now. Last night, when body was truly asleep and it was just only me, I did my thing trying to shift. And suddenly this weight settled on me, as if the world was too big and too heavy, and i immediately thought "I can't do this" and rolled over with the decision to just simply sleep. Today i talked with a friend about this, and he said it's probably "a fear of shifting, a fear of responsibility", and honestly I agree with this take. Of course I will try again tonight, and will keep doing so until I can push through this feeling and actually shift, but i was wondering if you had a word of advice? Thank you <3

• The way I see the fear of shifting is like: that fear you felt right before the shift wasn’t a failure, it was a sign you were right there.

• Think about it: why would your mind suddenly scream "I can’t do this!" and slam the brakes when you were on the edge of what you’ve been working toward? It’s because, on some level, your subconscious knew shifting was about to happen.

• It accepted it as real, as possible, and that’s exactly when the fear kicked in. That fear isn’t about shifting being impossible, it’s your mind clinging to the familiar, trying to protect you from stepping into something that it's your current reality. Our brains are wired to favor what we know, even if what we know isn’t what we want. It’s like standing at the edge of a cliff with a parachute—you know the parachute will open, but the ground beneath your feet still feels safer.

• So, no, you didn’t fail. Don’t look at that fear as a blockage because it’s not. It’s a precedent to progress, a signpost that you're on the brink of success. Fear is just your mind’s way of saying, "This is real."

To work through it: First, understand that fear is just another form of anxiety—and anxiety, at its core, is the same physiological response as excitement. The only difference is the story you tell yourself about it. When you feel that fear creeping in during the day, don’t shove it down. Let yourself feel it, but flip the script. Visualize the moments you’re genuinely excited for in your DR. Happy, comforting, exciting things that make you want to shift. Feel how easily that fear morphs into anticipation. Emotions are malleable, and once you start associating that tension with excitement instead of dread, you’ll find it easier to move forward.

What you really need to do if fear is your issue, is let go. Stop putting shifting on this towering pedestal. Yes, it’s amazing, but it’s also normal. The more you treat it like this huge, mystical event, the more your mind will see it as something to fear. Shift your perspective. Talk about it like it’s just another part of your day, think of it as routine, affirm it as something natural. Trick your brain into seeing shifting as regular and unexciting, and it’ll stop resisting. Because at the end of the day, shifting isn’t some impossible feat. It’s just you becoming aware of another space you already belong in.

• But let’s go even deeper, to stop that freeze response from hijacking you the next time you’re at the doorway to your shift. We’re going to eliminate the fear before it even has a chance to rise. (yes I'm giving you optional homework because I'm the worst 😁)

The "Normalize Your DR" Exercise

1. Document Your CR Routine. Write down your current daily schedule in your CR. What time you wake up, eat, work, study, relax, everything. Create a schedule.

2. Now create a parallel schedule for your DR. You could do this for the day you're going to wake up in your DR, or next day, depends on what you scripted and feels better for you. What are you doing at each hour? How does your morning routine look? Who do you see? Where are you?

3. Sync CR Time with DR Time. Match your CR schedule to your DR schedule. For every hour in your day, mentally check in with what you’d be doing in your DR at that exact time. This repetitive syncing normalizes your DR in your mind. It becomes part of your routine, not some distant, unreachable dream that your mind fears shifting to.

4. Visualize Throughout the Day. As you go through your CR, take moments to pause and visualize your DR. The more your mind gets used to the idea of being in your DR, the less foreign—and therefore less scary—it becomes.

I hope you can take something from this. Good luck! 💚🩷🫂

[strbymacaroon]

Silent Love: Ch. 1 - New Roommate(s)

⊹ ׂׂૢ་༘࿐ Chapter One

Master-List: Here!

Read on Ao3: Here!

.・゜゜・ ｡･ﾟﾟ･ ╰┈➤ Sukuna x Reader

⁎̩͙ ⁑̩͙̩͙ ⁂̩̩͙͙ Sypnosis:

When moving out of your dorm and leaving your eccentric roommate goes to shit, you're offered by one of her friends to move in with him... for free! That is, if you don't mind living with two completely opposite college boys.

However, life isn't that easy, and there's a hot asshole around the corner to piss you off. Especially when he's always up late at night when you're studying, purposely trying to get on your nerves in the most perverse way possible.

You hate him.

⁎̩͙ ⁑̩͙̩͙ ⁂̩̩͙͙ Genre:

College/Modern World AU. Multiple parts.

Shameless Smut, Thin Walls, Mildly Dubious Consent, Roommates Fluff and Crack, Slice of Life, Kinda Slow Burn, Oral Sex Vaginal Sex, Slight Age Difference, Degradation Fake/Pretend Relationship, Dirty Talk, Dirty Thoughts, Enemies to Lovers, Spit Kink, Angst, Hurt/Comfort.

⁎̩͙ ⁑̩͙̩͙ ⁂̩̩͙͙ Word Count: 14,003

･ ｡ﾟ☆:  *･ November 13th, 2023 ☽ .* :☆ﾟ.

Monday

“He was so big.” Nobara shivers, a small smile gracing her lips. “I know he was totally texting other girls behind my back and shit, but that dick was dicking.” She points aggressively at nothing, merely trying to make her point stronger. 

“Ew. Can you not tell me that right now? I’m eating.” You turn away from her, twisting your fork in your noodles, “I was gone for a week, and this is what you do in my absence. You should be ashamed of yourself.” You take a bit of your food, but immediately follow it with a sip of your Sprite. Adding a cough with a very suspicious word that rhymes with shut. 

Nobara playfully glares at you, “No girl, you signed up for this when we became friends, you need to know.” Nobara leans her head down on the table, biting her bottom lip. “I’m telling you, I miss my stink-stink.” She pulls out her phone, “Maybe I should text him…” 

“I don’t want to hear you crying about him anymore.” You scold, pointing your fork at her accusingly, “I can’t deal with your sobbing when I’m trying to go to bed because he broke your heart again.” It’s the reason you're moving out, actually. 

That's being mean, it isn’t the reason why you’re moving out. But, it definitely is one of them. 

A playful smirk slowly builds on Nobara's face, “It won’t be my emotions I'm crying over.” She laughs as you roll your eyes. 

“Okay, that’s enough for brunch today.” You shut your Panda Express box closed, “Call me when you're no longer in heat so you can help me pack.” You grab your tote-bag, slinging it over your shoulders. 

Nobara pouts, “Awh. I can’t believe you’re leaving me already.” She pushes herself away from the table, trailing behind you. “I mean, I’m not stopping you, but who would want to leave me?” 

Obviously you do. 

“Are you moving in with your parents in the meantime?” Nobara asks, tilting her head at you. 

You shake your head, “No, I already have an apartment contract. Rooming with this random girl who goes to a different school.” You sigh, “It’s a bit far for my comfort, but the view to the city is gorgeous. Couldn’t pass it up.” You’re going to have to deal with taking public transportation from now on, but that’s a new risk you’re willing to take. 

“Yeah, my new roommate is moving in on Monday.” Nobara sighs, “I don’t even know her name yet…” 

“That can be a good thing, maybe you’ll make a new friend to tell you sex stories to.” You smile at her kindly. 

“No, I swear if you cut me off after you move out I’ll go and kill you myself.” Nobara accuses, a finger pointing at you scoldingly. “You have to have lunch with me everyday now that I can’t see you.” 

You may be mean, but you’re not that mean. “Of course not, I would never leave you. I wouldn’t give up your answers for Anatomy and Physiology.” You tap her nose, grabbing her hand and pulling her next to you. “Also your wallet for amazing food.”

“Good to know all I’m good for is homework answers and food.” Nobara groans, yet tightens her hand around yours nonetheless. “Next time I swear I’m going to let you figure things out on your own. No more puppy eyes when you don’t want to do the homework, or when you’re hungry.” 

“That could be a good thing. Except the food part.” You mutter, an amused smile slowly building on your lips. “I’m sure my future patients will appreciate me learning the curriculum rather than copying someone else.” 

“Agreed.” She leans her head on your shoulder, hugging your arm. “Hopefully you’ll be able to pass the final without me. I don’t know if I’ll be able to pass life without you.” 

You lean your head atop of her’s, sighing softly. “You’ll be okay, next thing you know your next roommate is going to be reenacting you when you tell her your sex stories.” Sure, Nobara is a hard person to get along with and can be quite brash, but you still enjoy her friendship nonetheless. 

Nobara pauses for a moment in thought, “Wait? Do you want me to call my friends? They can also help you pack.” She smiles wickedly, “We can make them do the heavy stuff because we’re just..” She dramatically places the back of her hand to her forehead, “Weak little fraile women who can’t do anything without the fear of breaking a nail.”

You look at your nails, seeing that they were freshly done, a cute white set with small jews sparkling in the sun. “That is a genuine concern of mine, though.” You lower your hand again, being careful not to snag it on your bag. 

“Even better.” Nobara smiles, tearing her hand away from you and pulling out her phone to open her messages. “Here, I’ll call them and ask for help.” She clicks someone’s contact before you can even answer. 

“No, please don’t.” You tell her, watching as her finger hovers over the call button. “I don’t even know these people and I’m asking them to do stuff for me, that’s going to make me feel bad.” You press your lips together, “Maybe if they were my friends… but it’s okay, I’ll have everything done.” 

Nobara waves you off, “Nonsense, it’s not like they have anything better to do.” She laughs, “Hell, they’re probably just laying around waiting for me to call them to give them something to do.” Her finger presses the call button, you immediately cringe. 

The phone rings once, before the line is picked up. Nobara looks to the side, “You busy?” You can’t hear the other side, but she smiles and quickly adds, “No you’re not, stop being like that. Come help me pack after class.” She ends the call, shoving the phone into her back pocket.

“I hope they don’t come.” You whisper, only to pause, “Oh my god! Shit, I completely forgot I’m supposed to meet up with my professor right now!” You pull away from Nobara, panicking, “I’ll be right back, I’ll—I’ll meet you at our dorm!” You shove your food into her hands before quickly dashing off, your skirt bouncing with each step.

—

You’re out of breath, but slam the doors or your lecture hall open, catching the attention of the white haired professor. You’re quick to glance at the time, seeing it was almost two minutes past your professors office hours. 

You pray to Satan's right ass cheek that your professor is still here. 

Your professor passes you a quick glance, before singing, “Office hours ended two minutes ago.” He continues collecting the papers on his small desk and putting them in his bag. “But, I’ll humor you since I know you’re not the physical type.” 

You’re aware of how hard you’re breathing from running, the words come out jagged as you drop your bag to the floor, “T–Touche..” You move to his desk, picking up a few papers and handing it to him, although it’s in your better interest. You lean your body on the desk. 

“So…” He draws, blue eyes flickering from his desk to your face, “What did you need help with?” There's a hint of playfulness behind his voice, but it’s equally as mocking. 

Ugh, you hate Professor Gojo. Okay… that’s a lie, he’s really nice to look at, but that’s all. “I’m sure you got my many emails and noticed my empty seat, but I couldn’t be here for a solid week.” You pass him a meek smile.

“Why were you out?” He asks, tilting his head to the side. You’ve always liked that about Gojo, how animated he is. It adds an interesting draw to his lectures. Seeing his hands flail dramatically around to emphasize any topic he was teaching. 

You look to the side, instantly avoiding eye contact, your heart tugging at the thought. “Uhm… F-Family emergency..” You wave your hand, as if the topic was a fly you were trying to rid, “I was just wondering, what I missed? We do anything important?”

Professor Gojo places his hands on his lips, looking at the roof in thought. “Hm, I don’t think you missed too much.” He grabs his black sunglasses and pushes his hair back with them. “Just a month-long project that takes up thirty percent of your grade.” 

Your eyes widen, your heart falling to the pit of your stomach while your jaw falls slack. “You’re joking.” You take a step back, it feels like you’re going to faint. “Oh my god. Please don’t say that.” Why didn’t Nobara tell you anything about this?!

Professor Gojo smiles, “Not lying, unfortunately.” He flips his sunglasses to fit comfortably on the bridge of his nose, “Your grade is totally tanked.” He tilts his head to the side, white silky strands falling with him. “Unless you can make up a week of lost time in a month.” He thinks, “It’s the thirteenth, so, it might be possible.”

A week worth of work, that doesn’t even include your other classes. Work you also need to catch up on. You quickly try to calculate the workload for the other classes, but immediately feel worse when you do. You’re sitting around twenty hours, maybe even twenty five hours of work. 

It’s manageable, you’ve done it before your freshman year when something similar happened, it may be the reason why your life ends early, but definitely doable. Also something you definitely don’t want to do either.

For a brief second, you're tempted to pull down your shirt and ask him, ‘Is there anything I can do to fix my grade?’ Like those weird pornos or fanfics you and Nobara view to pass time, but you immediately think against it. 

One, that isn’t going to work. This isn’t a fanfic. 

Two, you’re pretty sure Gojo is gay, and married. 

Although, if you were to tell Gojo that last one, you’re sure he would be offended. Yet, immediately follow it up with pictures of his gay partner. Why do you think that? You’re pretty sure you’ve seen it happen before. Like, seventy-six percent sure. 

So, you cringe and ask, not seductively at all, “Is there anything I can do to fix my grade?” You’re sure Gojo is aware of your shiny GPA, something which many of your college professors attempt at tainting, but can’t with how determined you are to keep up your grades. 

Gojo looks at the roof again, thinking for a moment. “I can assign you a different project, or I can just assign the original project to you.” He looks at his desk, pulling open a drawer and searching through the papers, “Which do you want to do?” 

“Is this a final?” Your question is a bit blunt, but Gojo picks up it’s purely fear talking. 

“This is the only thing I’m grading this before your final. Meaning, it’s due…” Gojo leans forward, looking at the calendar on his desk. “The eighth of December. And don’t worry, it’s a project just going in as an assessment grade.” 

That’s right, finals are right around the corner, on the eleventh of December. Meaning, if you procrastinate on this project, or somehow fall behind, you’re sitting–at most–a weekend of studying for your finals. 

God, this makes everything so much more stressful for you. 

He wiggles his shoulders, “I wanted to give my students a break to study.” He cups his face, “Aren’t I an amazing person?” 

No. Your eye twitches, “Yeah, such an amazing person.” You sigh, moving away from his desk and grabbing a chair. “What was the assignment?” You prop it right next to his chair, grabbing the staple of paper and skimming through the stipulations of the project. 

“You’re popular, right?”

No one is popular in college, people just won’t shut up. “Define popular.” You grimace. 

Gojo doesn't miss a beat when saying, “You have many friends, right?” 

You don’t miss a beat when saying, “Define many?” 

Gojo gives you an indescribable look, “What do you mean describe many? What else would that mean?” 

You look to the side, “Well, if I came to lecture and ate five cheeseburgers, you’d be like, wow, that’s a lot of food. But, if I told you I only had five friends, you’d be like, wow, that’s not many friends.” You reason. 

Gojo doesn’t look disappointed, but he’s not necessarily proud either. “Well, you.. don’t, right?” He passes you an empathetic look. 

“Of course not.” Gojo sighs in relief, “I only have two.” Gojo ignores your remark and snatches the paper from you, ignoring your playful grin. He’s quick to explain the project, but with each stipulation you feel your stomach tying itself into knots. 

Partner work? 

Mental Evaluation? 

A project where you pick a student to physically and mentally evaluate their day to day life for a week. Learning about their eating habits, working habits, study habits, and personal life. Then, write an essay about your studies and your personal evaluation on their health, life, and personal character. Gojo assured you that this paper should be told to the participant, however does not have to be shared with them, and will not be shared with anyone other than himself. 

The project seems evasive… you wonder if it’s even allowed. Which seems right up Gojo’s alley. He was always in people’s business. But, a grade is a grade, and you're not going to complain. He’s one to assign something much harder to teach you a lesson about complaining.  

Gojo grabs a pen and writes something down in your packet, “I’m already aware you want to become a physical therapist, so I’ll put that down as the hands on part of your project.” He doodles a small version of him worshiping the rubric, “However, since a handful of students already chose to do medical physical therapy, I’ll have you do sports physical therapy.” 

You feel your stomach turn again. Sports? You haven’t played a sport, more or less exercised, since your highschool days. Even then, you weren’t in a physically demanding sport such as volleyball or soccer, you did marching band. 

Which you could argue was extremely physically demanding, but you regress. 

Gojo adds your name to a shared spreadsheet, adding your name to the sport physical therapy colom. A small shiver of relief soars over your body when you see the name Maki. Thank god. At least you know someone. You’re pretty sure you have her number, too. 

Gojo looks at you again, resting on the palm of his hand. “It doesn't change much. Instead of choosing a random student, now you have to choose a student athlete for your project to be based off of. It’s simple, and shouldn't take more than a few weeks. For you at least.”

It’s nice for Gojo to have faith in you, but you don’t have it in yourself. “Thanks.” You take the paper from him, again looking through the packet again. It seems simple on paper, the most difficult part seems to be finding someone willing to be the participant, but you’re sure you can manage.

Hopefully. 

Gojo waves you off, “I’ll see you in class.” 

You’re already off, grabbing your bag and shoving your papers into it. Off in a rush to the next place demanding your attention. Which feels like overwhelmingly everything this past week. 

—

You smile, your hands signing, “That’s cool, you are really good at drawing.” You use a pink crayon to continue your drawing, a simple picture of the young girl sitting across from you. She’s in elementary school and incredibly shy, often choosing to stay by your side when it’s playtime. You don’t mind.

She smiles at you, grabbing her sparkly notebook and writing a quick, “Thanks.” Before quickly pushing it away and continuing to color the sun an interesting shade of purple. You take a small mental note, the sun should be purple, it’s pretty. 

You continue to braid her long hair, being careful not to tug too hard and accidentally mess up her artwork. You use a hair tie with a pink bow to tie it off, making sure all the strands are secure before pulling two small strands to frame her face. 

You move to the left of her, telling her, “Now we are matching.” She awkwardly giggles at that. 

“Where’s the president?” 

Your head whips around, looking for whoever called you. You immediately know from the way they’re addressing you, it’s a parent. You place a hand on the girl's back, standing up and making your way to the impatient parent. 

You pass her a kind smile, “Can I help you?” 

“I’m here for my child.” She seethes at you, her eyes moving up and down your frame, “Is that even appropriate for working with children? Do they pay you to dance on a pole and dress like a–” 

“I’m not getting paid.” You tell her, holding your hands behind your back, “I’m the president of the ASL club here, we teach people about ASL and the language, we also volunteer here when the School of Deaf Children have a small field trip to our school.” You smile brighter, “I don’t get paid to do anything.” You reiterate.

She gives you a look between disgust and jealousy, which you can’t blame her. Not everyone can be intelligent and as beautiful as you. “What’s your child’s name? I can grab them for you.” You call for a member of the club, telling them to bring a clipboard with the sign out sheet. 

When they do, you give the items to the mother and search for her son. You click your foot on the floor three times, the vibrations sending a silent call for the boy. He turns his head and looks at you, watching as you point behind you at his mother. He sighs and gathers his things. 

You laugh and move back to the mother, taking the clipboard and skimming over the information she added. You ignore how she misspelled his name, actually, that’s a lie, you erased it and fixed her mistake. You do ignore the nasty glare she gives you. 

“He always enjoys being here with us,” You watch as the little boy tugs his things to you, feet dragging on the floor dramatically. You place a hand on his head, “I’ll see you on the next field trip.” 

She scowls at you, but softens her gaze on her child, asking him about his day. There’s a genuine smile on her face while she talks to her child, so you don’t let her words get to you. 

“Don’t know how you do it.” Her voice is sharp, pulling you to look at her. “Especially after meeting with Gojo, you’re a trooper.” There’s a hint of playfulness, although you can barely pick up on it due to her RBF. 

You laugh dryly, “Oh, I–I don’t know, I’m just…” 

“Your flask is sticking out of your pocket.” Maki points at your torso, her face as emotionless as ever. 

Your eyes widen with fear, looking down at your torso only to notice you don’t have pockets. You pass her a hard glare, “Ha ha. Very funny.” You lean your weight on one of your legs, “I would be dead if found with something like that, especially here.” You gesture to the children behind you. 

Maki laughs, “So..” She starts, “I’m sure you’ve finally gotten the project.” 

You groan, looking back at the club working with the kids. “Ugh, yeah.” You roll your eyes, “I don’t know what’s worse, that fact it’s thirty percent of my grade, or I have to humiliate myself to a random athlete to pass it.” You sigh.

Maki’s eyes light up for a moment, “Wait, you’re also doing athletes? I thought you would be in “physical therapy” where you can just choose random friends.” She tilts her head, “Isn’t that what you’re kinda known for?” 

You mush your eyebrows together, “Wait, what do you mean?... Known for?” You pause, “Wait, don’t tell me that how people know me?..” 

Maki laughs, before mockingly saying, “Oh, wait? Is that the girl who wants to become a physical therapist? You think she has the answers?” She crosses her hands over her chest, “Something someone has said to me while doing work.” 

You pout, “Why can’t I be known for how cute I dress, or something?” Why couldn't you be known as that mysterious hot girl in lecture? “Whatever, I don’t care…” You do care, you care a lot. “But, no yeah, Gojo said there wasn’t any room, so he put me in the physical therapy for athletes slot.” 

Maki cringes, “Rough. But I wouldn’t worry, it’s just a few people in our class.” You let out a sigh of relief. “You know what’s rougher? Actually finding the athlete, luckily my little brother is one so I got a free pass.” She laughs, cupping her mouth, “And I don’t have to embarrass myself following a random boy like a puppy.”

You feel your eyes widen, “Shit, we really have to follow them around?” You sigh, “I don’t even know any athletes, I don’t even know where to start…” You look at one of the kids running around, making sure to keep an eye on them in case they trip. “I feel like I’m going to embarrass myself by asking a random one to help me.” 

“I think Gojo is plotting.” Maki says, “He’s bored and wants something exciting to happen, so he decided to make this stupid project where we’re forced to be close to someone twenty-four-seven.”

You laugh, a decently sized crowd passing behind you and Maki. “Sounds like Gojo.” You cup your mouth, as if anyone were interested in your conversation and whisper, “I heard he assigned a boy and a girl together back when he first started teaching and now they’re married working on campus.” 

“Oh yeah, have the girl’s lecture class.” Maki looks at the sky, “Gojo fiends for drama, but we all know this.” She turns over her shoulder, wondering about the loud and obnoxious conversation behind her, only to notice the large crowd of boys. She softly groans in annoyance. 

You quickly eye them alongside her. 

“Football boys,” She mutters, clearly agitated. “Hate them all, so glad my brother isn’t one of them.” 

“Should I ask one of them to do my project?” You tilt your head, watching as they slowly move away from you, their loud chatter getting more distant. “Maybe if I pull down my shirt enough someone will say yes.” 

Maki scoffs a laugh, “Yeah. That could definitely work.” She looks back at the group, her happy expression falling for a moment, “Just don’t get the pink haired one. He’s a dick.”

Your eyes snap back to the group, you didn’t even notice a pink haired guy, “What, why?” You don’t recognize him, which means you don’t have any classes with him. 

“Some asshole.” Maki scowls, turning back to look at you. If looks could kill, the guy would be six feet under. “He’s a football player who doesn’t know shit about the real world, got everything handed to him while growing up.” 

“How do you know that?” 

“Because he talks about it in class.” She shakes her head, “You should hear him, so full of himself, and won’t shut the fuck up.” She pivots a foot behind the other, “He’s rude, too. The only people he’s somewhat nice to, are his professors.”

You laugh, “That’s how it is sometimes, Maki.” You look back at him, he’s tall and built, “Besides…” You smile at Maki’s disgusted face, knowing what you’re going to say. “If he’s hot, he could do whatever he wants for me and I’d thank him.” 

“You’re hanging around Nobara too much.” Maki turns on her heel, “Whatever, if you choose him as a partner and fail, I’ll be the first one to tell you..” She smiles over her shoulder, “I told you so.” 

You’re not going to, but you say, “I doubt it.” You turn back to the kids, wanting to put your full attention on them again, but pause. Your eyes travel to look back at the man, skimming over his body again. 

Maybe you can die on this hill, but assholes are hot. 

Then again, you don’t know any assholes in your life, so you can totally be delusional and be reading too many fanfics for your own good. But, Nobara does, and she loves her asshole, you think. So, they can’t be that bad, especially if they look that good. 

Whatever. You have more important things to obsess about. 

—

You’re about to enter your room, when the door swings open, slamming into your face. You whimper, stumbling backwards into the wall behind you. Both your hands cupping your face in pain, your cute bag falling to the floor. 

“Oh my gosh! I’m so sorry.” A pair of hands make their way to your shoulders, “I didn’t think anyone would–holy shit, Nobara!” The person shouts, “I accidentally killed someone with the door!” Their voice is boyish, but in some weird way that is what makes it charming. 

Someone else rounds the corner, your guess is that it’s Nobara. “You killed her?” She pushes the boy away from you, her hands wrapping around your shoulders as she crams you in her neck, “Poor thing’s had a rough day, and this is what you welcome her home to?!”

“I’m so sorry!” The boy responds, he sounds very ashamed. 

“Keep it down, it’s three, everyone’s trying to nap right now.” Another boyish voice perks up, he sounds more monotone than the first one. As if he also had woken from a nap, “Try bringing the body inside before panicking.” 

“Good idea, Megumi.” You feel a pair of hands grab your waist and hoist you up, throwing you over their shoulder like a sack of potatoes. You don’t know if you should be offended, or flattered. “We’ll check for a pulse when we’re inside.” 

Nobara's voice pops up again, “Wait! Be careful of her skirt! You’re going to flash people!” She scolds, and you pray to everything that is almighty that there isn’t anyone in the dorm hall. “Megumi, you grab her bag!” 

There’s no way this is happening. You move one of your hands to press on the fabric of your skirt, pressing it against the high of your thighs. “I got it.” You tell her while the man carries you into the room, Nobara shutting the door behind the two of you. 

You take this time to finally look at the other man in your room, not the one carrying you, just to specify. The man has jet black hair, part of you wonders if it’s dyed, and pale skin. His eyes look a bit lifeless, but you can’t blame him, it is college after all. If you can remember correctly, the man holding you like a potato-sack called him Megumi.

You’re dropped on your bed, your hair fluttering around your head. For a moment, you feel like time has stopped, the boy in front of you smiling widely. You want to laugh at the irony, a part of you thinks, what a small world? Then, you remember you attend a college, and the only people who walk around at that college are the students who attend that college. 

Wow, who would’ve thought, right?

So, the first thing that leaves your lips is, “I like your hair.” To give yourself some credit, it’s what you found the most interesting part of his backside.

The boy tilts his head, his hand moving to run it through his pink tufts, “Thanks.” He leans on the bed next to you, he’s still looking at you as he says, “I like you.” He smiles again, grabbing one of Nobara’s pillows, “You’re light, by the way.” 

Flattered. That, or he’s just freakishly strong, which seems more plausible. Still, his words strike a place in your chest, either that or you really need to talk to more people. You turn to Nobara, “I like him, why haven’t you invited him to our dorm before?” 

Nobara gives you a look, and that answers your question. She juts her thumb at the boy sitting next to you, “Yuuji’s been the one taking your stuff to my car.” She cocks her head at the other boy in the room, he’s enamored by something on his phone. “Megumi’s been actually packing your things.” She winks, “He ended up only using like three–four boxes with his packing skills.”

Your face lights up, “Really? That’s awesome!” That means you can return the other six you bought from Home Depot for way more than you should’ve. “Thanks, you just saved me like twenty bucks.” 

Megumi gives you a thumbs up, before looking back at his phone. Now that you’re really looking at him, he looks really familiar, you just can’t put your finger on it. You could swear you’ve seen that RBF somewhere before…

Nobara furrows her eyebrows, marching over to Megumi and grabbing his face, “Hey! Look at me when I’m talking to you!” She puts her hand on the back of his head, forcing him into a subtle bow. “When I introduce you to someone, actually look at them, jerk!” 

Megumi seems to pout almost, giving into Nobara’s demands and bowing, giving you a half-hearted, “I’m Megumi Fushiguro, it’s a pleasure to meet you.” Even when Nobara removes her hand, he stays in that position. 

You find it a bit cute. 

“Wait, we’re saying our full name?” Yuuji tilts his head so he’s practically nose to nose with your face, “I’m Yuuji Itadori, it’s nice to finally meet you.” He looks back at Nobara, “She doesn’t shut up about you.” 

A pillow hits him directly in the face, and Yuuji dramatically falls with it. Acting if he had gotten shot with a gun. Nobara points her nose up, “What you get for running your mouth, I-ta-dor-i.” She says his name with so much conviction, you were almost offended by it. 

Yuuji lays on the bed, his side touching the small of your back, “When will my suffering end, I slave away putting heavy boxes in your car, only for you to stab me in the back like this.” Yuuji grabs the back of your shirt, “You would never do this to me, right?” He sniffles, his hands crawling to hold your torso in a hug. “You would always have my back, right?!”

You snicker, one of your hands moving to cup both of his. You give him a somber look, shaking your head, “No. I would never do this to you, Yuuji.” You hold his hands tighter, “Absolutely never.” You whisper.

Yuuji blinks a few times, letting his head fall on the bed with a soft thud. “The light?... I–I see the light, I don’t want to–I don’t want to go.” 

You stifle a laugh, turning your body to face him, “No! Don’t leave me!” You throw yourself over Yuuji, “I can’t do this without you!” You have no clue what “this,” even is. “I can’t lose you, too!” You’ve never lost anyone before, well.. that’s if you don’t count the plushly you lost at the mall one time.

Yuuji falls slack against the bed, sticking his tongue out and mumbling, the most realistic death sound of, “Bleh!” You finally burst out in laughter, pulling away from Yuuji to clutch onto your stomach. 

Yuuji quickly props his head up on his hand, “Anyway, I’ve been dying. When are we going out to eat, Nobara?” He passes Nobara a careless smile, as if he hadn’t put on the most cringeworthy act with you as his co-actor. 

Nobara gives him an indescribable look, one that borderlines anger and disbelief. 

Megumi blinks a few times, “Well, at least they get along just fine.” He gives the two of you a small applause. Which the two of you deeply appreciate.

Nobara blinks alongside him, whispering, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen her talk this much when she’s with me.” She doesn’t know to be offended, or weirdly proud that you’re finally talking to people. Albeit, she would’ve preferred if you became more social outside the comfort of your bedroom, but hey, baby steps. 

You turn over your shoulder, peering at Yuuji again. “I can order some pizza, and when me and Nobara go to my new apartment, you can pick it up and bring it over.” You grab a piece of your hair from his back, you’re guessing it came off when he carried you. 

Yuuji blinks at you with a bit of sparkle in his eyes, “I think you’re my new favorite person.” 

“Are we friends now?” 

“Best friends.” Yuuji clarifies with full seriousness. 

You loudly laugh, slapping your hand over your mouth as you turn away from Yuuji. “Oh my god, he’s so fun.” You let yourself fall on his back, laying down while looking at the ceiling. 

You feel your body collapse for a moment, the aching and stress from the day crashing down on you. Sure, there’s a human below you, but you could be on a bed of pins and still find some form of relief by laying down. 

Like Megumi said earlier; It’s three, everyone is taking a nap right now. That should be you right now, sleeping on your uncomfortable-comfortable college assigned bed alongside your collection of stuffed animals you won from an arcade, and the dozens of blankets you bought from Target with the mindset of: One more couldn’t hurt. 

“If you want, I can move?” Yuuji asks. 

“No.” You tap his back a few times, as if you were a Dad patting a massive dog. “I’m already comfy. I wanna’ take a nap.” You sigh, closing your eyes for a moment, and in the moment it feels like heaven. You really need a nap. 

Yuuji nods with conviction, “Okay, I won’t move.” He quite literally freezes, you’re sure he’s not even breathing from how still he is. 

Your sentence breaks in cracks of laughter as you say, “You can breathe, babe.”

Yuuji clearly lets out a long sigh. You laugh again. 

You want to lay like this forever, but you have an apartment waiting for your arrival. Besides, you’re going to feel even better when you’re laying down in your new bed in your new room. Suddenly, you’re bubbling with energy. 

You collect yourself before pushing yourself off the bed, reaching for your bag, “Here, I’ll go check I have everything in your car and order the pizza.” You turn to Yuuji, “I can tell you when to pick up.”

Yuuji nods, giving you a thumbs up. 

Nobara follows after you, grabbing her keys. Yet, before she leaves the room, she points at both of the boys and says, “Be good.” Then, shuts the door behind her with a smile. “Now, let’s hope to come back to a room with two living men.”

You tilt your head to the side, “Have they tried to kill each other before…?”

Nobara looks to the side thinking, “They have. A good handful of times, actually.” She laughs, thinking about the two boy’s bickering at times, “Yuuji can be something else, and Megumi needs his time alone to function. Sometimes, it’s like trying to make peace between a dog and a cat.”

“Impossible?” You ask with a smile.

“Exactly.” 

You give a humorous laugh, “Is Yuuji the dog?” 

“A big dog.” 

You laugh again, but your conversation with Maki pops into your head again. This time, you voice your thoughts, “I like Yuuji, he’s fun. Cute, too.” Nobara shivers, as if the thought of Yuuji being cute physically revolted her. “But, Maki said she doesn’t like him.” 

Nobara thinks for a moment, “Maki’s the junior in our class right?” You nod in confirmation, Nobara stays silent for a moment, still thinking. “Weird. I didn’t know she knew Yuuji. To be honest, I thought she was the type of person to hate underclassmen.” 

You can’t disagree with her, “Huh. She really does give that vibe?”

“We all have our personal vendettas.” Nobara shrugs, looking at the sky. It’s starting to get dark, the sky blending into hot colors. “I know Megumi doesn’t like Yuuji, but he won’t say that out loud, so who knows?” 

“That can’t be true.” You shake your head, “They look like they get along.”

“They should, or that means freshman year had to be hell for them…” Nobara presses her lips together, “Now that I think about it, I don’t even know if he likes me…” She shrugs again, a cheeky smile building on her lips “But everyone loves me, so I doubt that.” 

“Of course, who wouldn’t love you.” You internally roll your eyes, “No, but seriously. Yuuji seems kind of cool. I just don’t understand why she would say that.” You smile to yourself, “He’s strong, has nice hair, is nice to look at, and he’s really nice. I just don’t understand why she would call him an asshole.” 

“Woah, ew. Don’t say that about my brother, that makes me want to barf.” Nobara pretends to gag, grabbing onto her stomach. 

Your eyes widen in surprise, “You guys are related?!”

“No.” She snickers to herself. 

When the two of you reach the parking lot, she reaches for her keys and unlocks her car from the short distance. Popping open the trunk with her keys, and the only thing you can see is the organized boxes filling her car to the brim. 

You quickly check over all the boxes. Eyeing over everything packed, just to make sure you weren’t leaving anything behind. “Damn, you were right about Fusiguro, these boxes are packed.” A part of you wants to pay him, but you by no means have the money. You almost didn’t have the money to pay for the boxes. 

You sit on the ledge of the trunk, picking your phone from your bag. “I swear, I’m going to get the greasiest, cheesiest, diabeaty causing pizza ever for you guys.” You turn on your phone and immediately notice the text message and missed call from your new roommate. 

Nobara cups her face, batting her eyelashes dramatically. “Awh! Babe, you didn’t have to, that’s so romantic.” She wiggles her shoulders like a love-sick teenager.

You unlock your phone, checking the message. “You know I take care of my babygir—“ You blink a few times, your words dying. A horrible pit in your stomach twisting and turning uncontrollably, practically eating you alive. Your heart is dropping uncomfortably. 

Nobara notices your sudden mood change, and is quick to voice on it. “Hey, are you okay?” She looks at your hands, trying to see what could upset you. “If you want I can buy the pizza?…” 

You quickly turn off your phone, placing it face down on your lap and letting out a long sigh. You silent for a moment, your hands cupping your face as you whisper, “Shit.” You feel like crying, but you also feel like screaming in rage. 

“Wait, what happened?” 

“My—“ You groan, clearly annoyed, “Fuck, my roommate just said the room isn’t mine anymore.” You lean back on the boxes, resting your weight on it. You’re trying to form the words, but there’s so much going on in your head you don’t think you’re making sense. “She said I can’t come anymore.” 

Nobara furrows your eyebrows, “Wait, what?” She tilts her head to the sides, “What do you mean you can come anymore?”

For some reason, her question pisses you off, and you grab your phone. “Here.” Your voice is stern, clearly annoyed, “Read.” You flip the screen to her, showing the long paragraph you received from your roomma– ex-roommate. 

Nobara eyes skim over the screen, quickly trying to take in all the information before looking at you with an empathetic face. “Oh my–is this even allowed? Don’t you have to sign a contract to move in with them?” She sits down next to you, “I’m pretty sure it’s illegal to break the binding if you already signed the papers.” 

You feel a bit stupid about your answers, and for some odd reason that pisses you off. “I–” You sigh, leaning your head back on the boxes. “I didn’t sign anything just yet, she just said I could move in today, and we’ll fill out the papers when I’m there.”

Nobara blinks a few times, “Oh.” Is all she says. She doesn’t know exactly what to tell you, but she knows enough not to tell you how wrong you are. You’re clearly upset as it is, and she doesn’t want to add fuel to that fire. You’re already stressed as it is, so she says, “Uhm, do you want me to help you unpack?...” 

You shake your head, “No.” You can’t unpack, Nobara is quite literally having a new roommate move in within this week. “Okay, no, it’s fine. I’ll figure this out.” You have a small idea of what you can do in the meantime. 

“Figure this out?” Nobara gives you a look, her lips pressed together in a thin line. “Babe, that’s something you say when you realize you have a test next class, not when you don’t have a place to stay.”

You sigh deeply, “I know.” Still, you’re trying to figure out what you can do in this situation. Your parents are out of the picture, not literally, they’re just too far, and you can’t stay with Nobara. You can try and move into a hotel, and pray your parents are willing to send you a bit more cash while you desperately try to find a new place to live. 

You nod to yourself, coming to a decision. “Okay, I think I’m just going to stay at a hotel in the meantime.” You open the safari app, and quickly search for hotels in your area. 

Nobara pulls you to your feet, shutting the trunk closed and locking her car again. “Okay, well my new roommate doesn’t come until Wednesday, so you're free to stay the night until she comes. Technically it’s still your room.” She grabs your bag, tugging you along with her as you desperately search for a place to stay. 

—

“The pizza says it’s going to be ready at five.” You think that’s a suspiciously long time for a pizza to get ready, but don’t question it too much. It just gives you more time to find a place to stay. “You can pick it up and bring it here if you want, Yuuji.” 

Yuuji blinks at you, “Are we no longer allowed at your apartment?” He sounds hurt in a way, but you’re a bit too embarrassed to tell him the truth of the situation. 

You thickly swallow, “Uh, well…” 

“Roommate kicked her off the lease.” Nobara says without batting an eye, “I told her to contact a lawyer, but we all know we’re too broke for that. Unless someone wants to pitch in some money.” She looks at you and passes a discreet wink. 

You deeply appreciate her and her ability to read your thoughts.

Megumi shakes his head, “I can call my Da–” He pauses, clearing his throat, “I can call Gojo and ask for some money.” He looks away, averting his attention at a wall. It could be the bad lighting, but it looks as if his ears are red. 

You have to reign in what Megumi just said, but you aren’t given the time when Nobara jumps into the conversation. “No. She doesn’t like Gojo, can’t imagine how she’d feel if she borrowed money from him.” 

Megumi looks at you, his eyes narrowing slightly. “You don’t like Gojo?”

“Uh…” You give him an awkward smile, scratching your cheek lightly. “Not really…?”

Megumi nods, his lips pulling into a subtle upside down smile. It looks almost approving, “Me neither.” You didn't know you could end up liking someone with just a simple phrase, but here we are. 

Yuuji pulls on your sleeve, drawing your attention back to him. “So, what are you going to do?” He looks at you with puppy eyes, as if he were in the same boat as you.  

You pass him a somber smile. “I don’t know, I think I’m just going to crash at some random hotel in the meantime.” You shrug, trying to brush off the topic, but the pit in your stomach doesn’t go away. “Hope for the best, you know?” 

Yuuji practically lights up at that news, he quickly grabs your hands and tugs you into him. “Wait! Does that mean you’re homeless now?!” He seems excited about that, and you wonder if Maki was right about him being an asshole. 

You awkwardly laugh, your smiling faltering, “Uhm, yeah?…” You blink a few times, looking at your hands, then looking back at his face. You quickly pass Megumi and Nobara a worried face, as if you’re trying to say, please help me.

“Do you want to live with me?!” 

No. 

Your lips part, a small noise escaping your throat, but no real words really leaving. Yuuji is pretty fun to be around, but you don’t think moving in with someone you just met is a good idea. Besides, what if the hotel is a better option than the random house he’s offering you to live in. You don’t know how tidy… or dirty his house is, and you can’t just go to his house, scope out the area and be like, ‘Actually, I think I’m going to pass.’ 

It’s rude and puts you in a really awkward situation, a situation you really don’t want to put yourself in. Then again, you really don’t have the money to stay in a hotel, anything you could possibly have in your bank account will be drained, quickly. 

You don’t have the money, or the mindset to drain your bank account. In fact, if the number ‘ZERO’ hits your bank account, your life would’ve been long done awhile ago. There’s no way you’re living to see your personal downfall. 

You press your lips together in thought, “Uh?..” You look at Nobara, and she doesn’t seem to know what to say either. “Are you okay with that?—How much are you going to be charging me?” You have to ask the real question, then you can worry about being a good person and asking about Yuuji’s feelings. 

“Hm?” He blinks a few times, then quickly looks at Megumi, “I didn’t charge my ex when she lived with me. How much do you normally charge your roommates?” It seems like a genuine question, and Maki barks at the back of your head, ‘I told you!’

You softly pull your hands away from Yuuji, blinking at him in confusion. “Wait, do you not pay for your apartment?” You tilt your head at him, blinking in confusion. 

“I don’t.” He places his hand on the back of his head, looking at Megumi with something you can’t quite decipher. “My–” He pauses, making a face at Megumi, “My roommate does.” His eyes perk at that, almost as if it were a revelation. “That’s right, I have a roommate.” 

“So, I’ll be living with two guys?” Your eyes bounce back from Yuuji and Megumi, you can’t say excitement is what you’re feeling right now. No, it’s more desperation and dejection. 

“Mhm!” He pulls you close to his side, and you’re now starting to realize how touchy Yuuji is, but you don’t really mind. “It won’t be that bad, you’ll have your own room and there’s a kitchen.” He looks around the small dorm, “Which I think is already much better than the dorms…” 

You don’t… know. “I don’t know. I don’t want to bother you, and I don’t know if I’m going to have enough money..” 

Yuuji shakes his head, “You can just stay for a month or two, just until you can find your own place.” He places his head on your shoulder, giving you some of the biggest puppy dog eyes you’ve ever seen. “And I won’t even charge you.”

“Deal.” Not even a second thought. 

A smile splits your face, excitement blooming in your chest. A free place to live, your own room, and a kitchen? Maybe you could be in danger by living with two men you just met today, but it’s only for a month or two. Free housing is free housing. 

Yuuji jumps up, clearly happy by the thought of living with you. “Hooray! Let’s go!” Yuuji grabs your hand again, pulling you harshly behind him. “I’ll help you unpack and everything.” 

You feel a small blush dust your cheeks, definitely a big puppy. It’s really cute. 

—

Yuuji’s house is so nice. 

Your eyes are sparkling at the sight, the living room, the kitchen, your bathroom, and your bedroom. Everything is decorated so nicely and smells like heaven, as if someone has just cleaned the room. 

You turn to Yuuji, hands holding each other, “Oh my gosh, your place is amazing! This is so nice!” You move to the couch, sitting down on it, practically melting into the seats. “This is heaven Yuuji, absolute heaven.” 

Yuuji wobbles over to you, flopping over your thighs and stretching over the couch. He’s a bit sweaty from moving all your boxes to your room, and clearly exhausted, but you don’t at all mind. You still move your hands to his head and run your fingers through his pink tufts. 

“You did such a good job, Yuuji!” You practically beaming in your seat, smiling with a bit too much enthusiasm. ”You installed that lock on my door too, right?” You push his hair out of his face when he twists his head to try and look at you. 

Yuuji nods tiredly, moaning out an exhausted, “Mhm.” 

“Awh! Thank you so much, that means so much to me!” You look to the side, watching as Nobara appears from the hall and passes you a thumbs up. A small confirmation of Yuuji’s words. “If you want, you can go grab the pizza now, I’m pretty sure it’ll be ready by now.” 

Yuuji springs out of your lap, energy regained at the thought of food. “Pizza!” He is quick to grab Nobara, pulling her out the door and singing, “Pizza, pizza, pizza, chow-down!” You think it’s adorable. 

Megumi walks out of the hall, looking at Yuuji, then looking back at you. He’s silent for a moment, before softly asking, “Do you want me to stay?” 

You’re a bit shocked by his question, “Uhm..?” To be completely honest with yourself, it would be nice to have the house to yourself for a moment. That way you can try and get a hold of the layout without the judging eyes of your new friends. You’ve also been dying to take a shower in a room without anyone else showering. So, you shake your head politely, “No thank you, it’s okay. I need a moment to myself.” 

Megumi furrows his eyebrows ever so slightly, tilting his head, “Are you sure?” He looks at the hallway, then back to you, “I can stay, it won’t bother me.” He shrugs, but his voice has a hint of care to it, as if he’s trying to put his words in the most friendly way possible. 

You shake your head again, “It’s okay, I’m just going to shower.” Your eyes light up for a moment, “Wait, actually, I have a question.” You push yourself off the couch, moving to stand at the entrance of the hallway. Megumi moves after you. “Which room is which.”

Megumi points at the closet door on the right, “That’s your restroom.” He points at the door at the end of the hallway to the left, “Across from your restroom is your room.” He looks back at you, nodding to see if you understood the information. 

You flash him a smile and nod back, “Perfect, thanks for showing me.” 

Megumi nods, turning on his heel and waving you off. Nobara at the door frame, waiting for him to catch up. She cups her mouth, “We’ll be back in a few, get unpacked in the meantime.” She blows you a kiss and closes the door behind her. 

You roll your eyes and move to your room, pushing open the door and really observing the place. If you can recall correctly, this room once belonged to Yuuji’s ex-girlfriend, which is a bit obvious. There’s a hint of a feminine touch to the furniture and leftover decorations. The window is one of the biggest indicators to such, the curtains being a bit flowy and soft.

The bed is another big indicator. The mattress has been stripped of anything that seems comforting, but the bed frame holds some form of cute touch. It’s white with silver jewels bedding into the leather, creating a patterned ridge. 

The floor is bare, but you don’t mind, you made sure to tell Nobara to pack your pink fluffy rug. However, it has small specks of nail polish. The drawers match the bed quite well, all being white. The desk–or vanity–is something you don’t understand why it would be left behind. It’s gorgeous. There’s even a mirror strapped to the wall a bit above it, a button in the bottom middle to turn on its LED lights. 

You nod to yourself, not bad. 

Sometimes, life is all about risk, and you clearly struck gold with this leap of faith. A cute room, a nice house, and you don’t have to pay rent yet? Could life get any better? 

You squeal to yourself, moving to your boxes and opening the one with your skin care products, hair cleaning products, face cleaning products, shaving products… Honestly, everything you couldn’t use back in the dorms. You’re about to finally care for your skin, mind, and body. 

You're quick to grab your sleeping garments, but find it a bit hard to hold everything so you grab your towel and throw all your things inside, then grab the corners and pull them up. Making a make-shift sack and throwing it over your shoulder. 

Life can indeed, get better. 

Especially when you can take a shower alone. 

You’re giddy making your way to the bathroom, opening the door and closing it behind you. You’re picking your favorite at home, or headphone only playlist, and blasting it on speaker. Picking out from the many girly shampoo scents and propping them in the shower as you swing your hips to the beat of the music. 

You catch a glimpse of the shampoos already in the shower. They’re a bit… They look exotic to put it simply. A brand you’ve never seen before, in fact, the amount of body care looks a bit larger than your own. You feel a bit embarrassed placing your Bath and Body Works body scrub, but they smell so good. 

Even now, your sore bare body underneath the steaming hot water, you’re no longer embarrassed. Your tense muscles relax underneath the jets of the water. Just enjoying your sweet sweet life living in a real house and not a small dorm. You raise your face to the water, rubbing out your face wash, “Fuck, I needed this.”

You flinch when the sound of louder music plays over your own, your eyes snap to the door. You push your hair out of your face and softly sigh. Looks like your friends are back already, and as much as you want to stay in the warm shower, you’re really hungry.

You turn off the water and reach for your pink towel, wrapping it around your body and placing the rest of your face care products on the counter of the sink. It’s a bit of a shame, music you’re unfamiliar with drowning out your favorite–private–playlist. 

You eye the room again, only to furrow your eyebrows. Wait… You feel a bit of dread enter your body, looking around the room with a bit more conviction. 

Oh no, oh no no no no no…

Where are your clothes?! You could’ve sworn you put them in your makeshift sack with everything else–wait, you internally groan, no you didn’t. You placed everything back on your bed and forgot to put it back in your towel. Whatever, it’s fine you’ll just quickly run to your room and grab some clothes, then join your friends for food. 

You grab your phone and reach for the door, peeling it open and peaking your head out. But, you are a bit disappointed at the lack of pizza filling the air, and laughter. The only thing getting louder is the music.

“Hm.” You blink a few times and stand on the tips of your toes, the cold floor sending an uncomfortable shiver down your spine as you step onto cold tiles. Megumi’s words echo in your head, ‘The room across the restroom.’ So, as you walk forward and put your hand on the dorm knob, you feel a bit of panic resonate with you as it doesn't open. 

“Shit, did I lock it?” You cringe at yourself. Oh my god, that’s a horrible way to start off living with Yuuji. Getting locked out of your room, naked. For some reason, that thought makes you shake the door knob with more desperation. 

You tug your hand back when the door knob… jiggles back! Have the door knobs evolved?! 

You flinch when the lights of the room flashes on you, the door slamming open. 

Your eyes widen, your jaw dropping subtly. 

The tall man looks you up and down, his forearm pressing against the frame of the door. His face is one that can only be described as disgust and disdain. In fact, he’s so fucking tall, he is quite literally looking down at you. 

You feel so small. 

And, he’s completely shirtless, yet his arms are decorated in a tattoo that seems to stretch from his arms to his torso, chest, then to his face. The only thing giving him some form of modesty being the gray sweatpants that hang dangerously low on his hips. You can see his v-line and the veins that lead to his…

You snap your eyes back to his face, feeling your burn up, when your eyebrows furrow. The interesting color of his hair is pulling your attention.

Wait a minute…

You narrow your eyes, taking a step back in shock. Another puddle of water pulling to the ground with each step, the bangs that frame your face sprinkling your shoulders with water droplets. 

No way, no way.

An unsure noise leaves your throat, a mix between a whimper and soft cry. “Uh… Y-Yuuji…?” You tighten your hand around your towel, and that realization hits you like a fucking bus. You’re naked. You’re wearing nothing but a towel in front of Yuuji, and he looks absolutely disgusted by you. 

But…You know it’s not Yuuji, it can’t be. Yuuji is a massive puppy, expressive and vibrant, naturally pulling everyone into his circle. He would never even think to look at someone the way this man is looking at you. He's touchy and a bit oblivious, but that’s part of his charm! The Yuuji in front of you is…?

His hair is a bit different, less saturated and messy. His dark natural roots peeking out from his undercut, and he looks… older. In fact, he even looks older than you. His tattoos stretch from his neck, to his face, sharp and crisp lines. 

His eyebrows are pulled together in a glare, a nasty glare, a small wrinkle forming at the side of his nose in disgust. His head is ever so slightly tilted to the side. 

Your eyebrows twitch together, and you find the situation ironic. In fact, you almost want to laugh. Out of all the nice things God had given you today, he wanted to sprinkle in one more surprise. 

This man looks like a…

The man takes a step forward, the music in his room blasting even louder. He was close, way too close. If he wasn’t scary before, now that you have to crane your neck back to look at him, he’s terrifying. He narrows his red eyes at you, letting out a harsh, “What the fuck do you want.” His voice is raspy and deep, clouding anyone he would talk to. 

You blink at his language and rudeness, shocked by his attitude. You part of your lips, they feel a bit glossy from the water, but…a scoffing laugh leaves your lips. 

He looks like an asshole. He’s an asshole. You cover your mouth with your hand, and turn away. A hot asshole. The hot asshole from earlier today. It really is a small world. However, your humor to the events is short lived. You’re quickly reminded of what situation you're in, naked in front of a hot asshole. 

The furrow in his eyebrows deepens. 

“You look like Yuuji.” It’s a silent whisper, one that receives no reaction to the stranger in front of you. He doesn’t even take a step away from you, he’s still too close for your comfort. 

Oh my god. There are two Yuuji’s. Then, light a light bulb, another realization hits you. Oh my god, I’m going to be living with two Yuuji’s. But, you quickly pulled out of your thoughts by another sound.

“Who’s there?” A voice perks from the music, it sounds feminine, and a bit too scratchy for your liking. In a way, it sounds hoarse, or strained. “Is it your brother, I’ve always wanted to meet your brother!” She squeals excitedly, “Let me see him, please!”

Brother? You mimic your thoughts with words, “B-Brother?” You dumbly ask, desperately trying to connect the dots in your head. Wait, you thought Megumi was the one who lived with Yuuji, that’s why the two of them made eye contact back at your old dorm. 

Did you completely misread the situation? You cup your mouth in shock. Megumi isn’t Yuuji’s roommate, his older brother is. The hot older brother who happens to be the asshole from earlier, and now. 

Oh my god. I’m so stupid. 

A blonde woman comes barreling from within the room to the door frame, she’s wearing nothing but a black shirt too big for her. The moment she lays her eyes on your bare frame, her smile twists into something deeply uncomfortable. 

You swear, you can hear the water droplets from your hair hitting the ground from how quiet the three of you are. This is such an unforgettable situation. You pull your hand away from your mouth, passing the women a small smile and a wave. 

She doesn’t wave back. She looks at the man, but he’s not looking at her, his eyes are trained on you. Caught by the way your chest is glistening from the light of his room and the water from the shower, your neck bare and fresh. How your shoulder rises and falls with each soft breath you take, your hair sticking to your face and shoulders. He can smell the sweet scent of your body wash from here. It smells nice.

You smell nice.

Your eyes are something else, though. They’re practically sparkling from the little light emulated from his room, catching every reflection and giving them life. They’re wide and full of shock, you’re most likely trying to process who he is. That idiot Yuuji most likely didn’t even tell you he had a brother. 

You thickly swallow, your throat bobbing ever so slightly. 

He smirks to himself. You’re not too bad looking. 

“Who is she?” The blonde asks with a bit of force, trying to pull his attention away from you. However, despite her question, and her hands moving to grab his arm, he still isn’t looking at her, he’s quiet, way too quiet for your liking. 

He finally shrugs, discreetly pulling his arm away from her hold. “Don’t know. Who cares.” He finally pulls away from your frame, looking at the woman, “Probably one of my brother’s annoyin’ ass friends.” 

She tilts her head to the side, “Oh.” She lets out a small laugh, but it seems more mocking than anything. “Thank god, I thought it was one of your crazy exes trying to get back with you.” She glares at you, “Such a pathetic attempt to use, too.” 

He takes one final look at you, “Yeah.” He looks at the girl, pushing her to the side as he walks back into his room. “Just like you.” He scoffs to himself, turning over his shoulder and whispering at her, “Crazy bitch.” 

She pouts, turning on her heel so her blonde said flips behind her, “Awh! Don’t say that Suki! You know you love me.” She passes you a final satiated glance, “Here, let me make it up to you. Tell me about your tattoos or something!” 

Sukuna’s quick to respond with a pinched expression, “Shut the fuck up. Stop acting like you're my girlfriend.” Then, she slams the door on your face, and you flinch from the intrusion. 

You cringe a bit, not at all liking how addressed a girl as a ‘bitch.’ If something could make you turn your head in disgust in less then a second, it’s called a girl a bitch. Except when you do it.

You glare at the door, “Bitch.” You think back to the man she addressed as Suki and add, “Asshole.” You look at the door to the right, and make your way there, twisting it and sighing in relief when it opens. 

You laugh at yourself, “Thank god..” The first thing you do isn’t change, but open one of your boxes and grab your stationary. Placing them on the vanity. You're quick to grab a quickly sticky note, scribble your name on it, and slam it on the outside of your door. 

No more accidents, and no more random hot, older brother, asshole man. 

—-

Nobara is peacefully sleeping on the couch, bundling herself in more blankets than one person needs. Her chest slowly rises and falls in a rhythmic order, you can even hear her softly snoring. The day had been draining, not only for you, but also for her, so you weren’t going to pester her to stay up and watch the crappy horror movie Yuuji picked out.

Megumi is sitting across from her on his phone. His long lashes flutter with each gentle blink he takes. He, unlike everyone in the room, seems a bit more tense. Narrowing his eyes when something unfavorable happens on screen–like a jumpscare–then quickly follows it by doing whatever on his phone. 

You have a sneaking suspicion that he’s actually really scared of the movie playing, but that’s just a hunch. 

You’re sitting next to Yuuji on the floor, actually–no, Yuuji is laying on you. While you run your hands through his pink tufts, your body is watching the movie playing, but your mind is somewhere else. Not somewhere else, on someone else. 

Yuuji opens his mouth, softly humming, “Ah.” 

You reach over his head, grabbing his pizza slice and lowering it to his mouth, allowing him to take a bite. He does, and you return it to the plate on the coffee table. Grabbing your drink and taking a sip. 

“You have a brother?” 

Your question is so quiet, it doesn’t even disturb the peace. The movie is still playing, Nobara is still sleeping, Megumi is still on his phone, and Yuuji is still laying on your lap. He looks away from the screen, his eyes boring into the bottom of your cup. 

“Yeah.” Yuuji gives you a halfhearted smile, he’s clearly uncomfortable by the topic. “He’s my older brother, I think he’s graduating next year.” He looks at the TV, then back at you, you notice how he’s holding his breath. “Did he…? Did he say something to you?” The question seems unsure. 

You shake your head, “I saw him leave his room when I finished showering.” You pass him a comforting laugh, hand running through his hair. “I thought he was you for a second, until I looked a bit closer.” You wish that was the end of it. 

Yuuji lets out a breath, nodding his head. “Good. He can be…” He sighs, looking back at the TV, “You know what, forget about it. He just sucks, so stay out of his way.” He pulls himself up, “Just stay with me, and you’ll be fine.” 

You think for a moment, wondering if you should ask Yuuji the question bubbling in your head, but ultimately decide to force it out. “Do you… not like your brother?” You ask him, sneaking a blanket from Nobara and wrapping it around your shoulders. Your hair is still a bit damp, wetting the blanket. 

Yuuji rolls his eyes, but it’s playful. “Does anyone like their siblings?” He leans on the couch, propping his arm up and using his hand to hold his head. “We’re just like everyone else, just a bit more… bleh.” Yuuji sticks out his tongue, and you softly laugh. 

“Gross.” You mutter, wrinkling your nose. “But, I get that. I think you’re the nicer one.” You look to the side, thinking for a moment, “Actually, wait, I think you look the nicest.” 

Yuuji laughs, “Thanks.” 

You look at Megumi, “I thought he was your roommate.” You press your lips together, “I thought I was going to be living with you two. I didn’t think it was going to be you… you know.” 

“Oh shit, I’m so sorry?” Yuuji slaps his hand over his mouth, “I totally forgot too—shit, I thought you knew…” He thinks for a moment, remembering how the two of you quite literally met today. “I—I don't know… how though. Shit, that’s so shitty of me.” 

You shake your head, “No, no. It’s okay, I should’ve asked more questions, as a roommate and as a girl. This was kinda’ my own doing for assuming things.” You laugh to yourself, “I also got swept up in the whole free housing thing.”

Yuuji laughs with you, “I would, too. That's why I agreed to move in with my brother, actually.” He rolls his eyes, “A free place to stay, is a free place to stay. Even if I have to deal with an asshole.” 

“I got that vibe from him.” You reach over to his shirt, fixing his collar to fix his neck more comfortably. “But I can’t say that to his brother.” 

Yuuji silently thanks you, before shaking his head. “Nah, don’t worry about it. I could care less what you say about him. To be honest, I don’t even talk to him anymore.” He shrugs, “My room is too far away from his to really hear if he’s doing anything, too.” He laughs, “He could secretly be a murder, and I wouldn’t know.” 

You giggle, your hands moving to rest on his shoulder. You take this time to lean forward and softly kiss his head, “Thank you for letting me crash with you for a while, I really didn’t want to stay at a shady hotel.” You smile at him when pulling back, “Totally saved my ass.” 

Yuuji shakes his head, waving you off. “Stop. Don't even start. I’d do anything for my new best friend.” He loudly yawns, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hands. “But, I’m getting tired, I think I’m going to crash.” He pushes himself off the floor, searching for the remote and turning off the TV. 

Nobara is quick to get up, one of her eyes still shut as she awkwardly says, “H-Huh, what?...” She frantically looks around, “I’ve been up.” She is quick to crash down into the pillow again, gaining a small laugh from everyone in the room. 

Megumi shakes his head, pushing himself off the couch. “I’ll take her home.” He glances at you, “Go to bed, I know you still have to set your bed up.” 

Sure, you’ve spoken to Yuuji the most this entire day, and spoken to Megumi the least, but he is genuinely your favorite out of the bunch. You pass him a quick smile, but it’s strained and full of exhaustion. “Thanks.”

Megumi just nods over his shoulder, searching for Nobara’s keys. Then, pauses, looking back at you, “Also, just a word for advice, Itadori’s brother…” He starts, “His ex would always complain about him… being really anxious at night, so just wear some headphones or… go to sleep early.”

You giggle, “I’m sure I can handle a bit of music at night.” You point at Nobara, “She used to play the weirdest shit late at night.” 

“Yeah, but I don’t think…” Megumi stops himself, “I’m sure you’re going to be fine.” But, his tone, the unsure expression he’s passing you, you can’t help but think… 

Obnoxious how?

—-

Honestly, the day could’ve been better. Way better, but it could’ve been worse, way worse. Still, you appreciate how the day has ended. Your sheets laid out and covering the mattress, your blankets and stuffies decorating your bed to make you more comfortable in your new surroundings. 

You’ve taken some time to put mostly everything in its respective place. Like the fluffy carpet, and small coffee table in the middle of the room, since you prefer to do your homework sitting on the ground. And the pictures and posters you have of friends, family, shows, and celebrities. 

The room was starting to slowly look more like home. 

You blink a few times, pressing your glasses to the bridge of your nose—something you don’t wear outside the comfort of your room—and focus on the small text in the booklet Gojo had given you. 

You can confidently say you understand what the project is asking of you, but there’s so much to do, and so little time to do it, you don’t even know where to start. You feel overwhelmed. Not only that, but finals are creeping up way too fast for your liking. 

“This is a problem for tomorrow, or… today? Whatever. It’s too late.” You whisper to yourself, shutting the booklet and leaning back on the palms of your hands. Looking at the ceiling with a blank expression. You’re tired–exhausted, it’s past twelve and starting to hit the single digits of the AM. 

You still have to catch up on all your other missing assignments due to your sudden leave. You close your eyes, pushing yourself off the ground and stretching. There only seems to be one solution to your problems. 

You reach for your computer, propping it onto your table and pulling up the show BoJack Horseman, clicking onto the first episode while scrambling around for your backpack. 

Time to pull an all-nighter.

You can still hear the music from Yuuji’s brother's room, it’s a bit quieter, but you still add a bit of volume to your computer, trying to drown out the noise. And, it’s nice for the first hour, maybe even the first hour and a half, your writing progressively getting more fit with each assignment you finish. Your eyes are feeling heavier, and BoJack’s life choices are getting dumber. 

You feel like you can fall asleep sitting up, but you jump at a small bump. Your ears perk up to the sound of… something you can’t quite put your finger on. Actually, the best way you can describe it, is if it were late at night and you stubbed your toe, yet you were desperately trying to stay quiet.

Hm. In your mind, that seems pretty spot on, yet… you’ve heard this particular nose before. It sounds familiar, really familiar. Maybe from a late-night movie, or a sound from a—

“Ah! O-Oh my god, p-please—please.” A pleasurable cry. 

It’s silent again, the sound of BoJack Horseman death to your ears. 

A shiver shoots up your spine, forcing your body to shoot itself up. Your eyes widening while your face begins to burn with embarrassment. A small whimper leaves your throat, another shiver shooting down your body, it feels electrifying. It feels dirty. 

There’s no fucking way. This can’t be happening, this isn’t real. Today isn’t real. You feel your face flush, ever so slightly turning your head over your shoulder to look at the wall behind you. “It’s probably just a movie..” You tell yourself. “They’re watching a weird movie.”

A gruff voice barks back, “Move your fuckin’ hand and take it.” She cries again, but it’s a bit more muffled compared to her last cry. “Or I’ll move it.” He sounds a bit pained, almost gritted when said, before a small mocking–yet, approving–laugh follows. “Yeah, you can take this dick, can’t you?”

This time, something deep within your blooms in your stomach. A fluttery, almost tingly sensation building deep in you. You feel your finger twitch, blinking at the wall, your freshly decorated bed catching your attention. 

Of course your bed is pressed right against his wall, and of course the walls are paper thin. 

Your ears perk again at the sound of a forced squeal, a scream of, “K-Kuna’.. W-wait, it feels..” But, her sentence is cut off by another moan, this time more deep and tired. What follows, makes your hips twitch. 

“Fucking amazin’? I know.” He groans under his breath, a cocky laugh leaving his mouth, “C’mon, use that dumb cunt of yours to fuck yourself on my cock.” A small bump lands on your wall, much like the sound of a head falling back on it. “Yeah, fuck. Just like that.” 

His words are filthy, and drive you a bit crazy. Your mind is clouding with ideas of… him. Kuna, Suki, that’s what she said, those are the two things she called him. Is that his name, Yuuji’s older brother? Are those her nicknames for him? 

Kuna? 

Suki?  

You hate that, you want to scold yourself over fantasizing over a stranger. You’re not fantasizing, you’re just trying to piece together what could be happening on the other side of the wall. How he looks when flushed, half-lidded and body surging with pleasure as he fucks. The noises he’s producing when spending special attention on his sensitive tip. How filthy words leave his mouth with a cocky smile, no care in the world as he tries to embarrass you–

You gasp. No, you didn’t just think that. You didn’t think about Yuuji’s older brother, a stranger, a asshole, fucking you. That’s impossible, you’re not a fiend, you’re not a pervert, and you're not thinking about how hot he looked standing over you. Looking down at you with a scowl as you suck his cock. 

Your throat bobs, your mouth salivating. The image of his veins, his happy trail, his v-line, leading down to the print in his sweatpants. You bite onto your bottom lip, lightly slightly sucking onto the skin until it’s a bit swollen. 

You mush your thighs together, turning back to the table. Closing your eyes and trying not to think about… no, you’re just trying not to think altogether. Trying to ignore how your body is burning, your panties sticking to your throbbing pussy.

“Get off–” The sentence seems a bit more quiet than before, the whole sentence not translating well to your ears. You’re thankful for that, is what your head is screaming, but your body is desperately itching to hear every dirty word he says. 

“Hands… knees.” His voice sounds strained, but still collected. 

You flinch when something bangs against the wall. It’s thankfully not hitting your wall, but it sounds incredibly close. Wait, is that?... Is he…? Is that the headboard hitting the wall? The bed lurching forward with each of his harsh thrust. 

This time, it’s far too clear for your mind to ignore her quiet sobbing, yet she mumbles small encouragement for Yuuji’s older brother to, “H-hit that.. s-spot.” Babbling profanities you weren’t previously aware of, to scream obnoxiously in your face about how good she feels. 

Then, the banging stops. A more human bump hitting the wall, followed by, “That shit’s getting on my nerves.” 

“Use a pillow, you don’t need to hold it–ah!” 

This time, you don’t hear the headboard of his bed hitting the wall. You only hear the creaking of the mattress hissing uncomfortably under the weight of two people. You wonder what he did exactly to prevent the noise. 

Press his hands above his head board onto the wall, then continue to fuck her senseless. Or, does he only have one hand pressed against the wall, only grabbing onto the top of the headboard and using it to add more strength behind each stroke. Sending the annoying girl deeper into her spiral of pleasure. 

You feel your eyes water ever so slightly… and–you may be perverse, or a dirty girl. But, you don’t care, you really don’t fucking care. Especially not when your pussy is desperate for some harsh attention, a big mean man to fuck you senseless. To spread you open and toy with your sensitive and drooling cunt. 

You… you wish that girl is you. You wish you are her. Crying over a cock that makes you feel so good, you don’t care if anyone is listening. You wouldn’t care if he was forcing you to take it to quick or hard, his hands grabbing your hips and forcing you to fuck his cock with your overstimulated pussy. 

No, stop, I have shit to do. You don’t have the time to be stupid over boys. “Where are my headphones?” You need to do work, you need to have conviction and discipline. The moment you wake up tomorrow, remembering all the things you thought about the previous night, you’re going to jump off a cliff. 

You just need some clarity, some sleep. That’s all it is, you’re exhausted, and the idea of… No, don’t even start. You softly sing the opening tune of BoJack Horseman to yourself. It may be stupid, but it keeps you concentrated on the task at hand.

You need to do homework, you are too far behind to get distracted. Even now, while desperately looking for your headphone–it’s in one of these boxes, it has to be–you’re ignoring the noises from the other room. Did you lose them? Did you really lose them the one time you actually need them? 

Fine. 

You’ll wake up early tomorrow, find your headphones, and finish your assignments. You scramble for your lights, flicking them off and diving into your bed. Your computer is still open, Netflix asking the annoying, ‘Are you still there?’ But, you’re not paying attention. 

Your eyes are shut, a pillow wrapped around your head while you’re slowly growing more annoyed. It’s so obnoxious, vulgar, rude… You don’t even know how to describe the situation Yuuji’s older brother is putting you in. 

It’s dick move. 

Wouldn’t it be common courtesy to try and be quiet. It’s such an awkward situation for you, such a weird situation to be in. It’s infuriating. A part of you wants to loudly knock on the wall and scream at them, but the other part of you wants to give Yuuji’s older brother the benefit of the doubt. 

He’s probably just unaware. 

You’ll tell ‘Kuna–hopefully his name is ‘Kuna, you really don’t know–tomorrow when you run into him. Or, tell him to be a bit more reserved, or ashamed, of what he’s doing, and how hard it is to focus on work when people are obnoxiously fucking in the room right next to you. 

Besides, you genuinely can’t stand the idea of dealing with that every single night while trying to do your work. It sounds like a pain, a hassle that will never let you sleep or study undisturbed. That’s too weird, that’s too annoying. 

But, you know the real reason. 

It’s why you’re desperately rubbing your thighs together. While trying to force yourself to sleep. 

Next Chapter: Ch. 2 - Sexual Tension.

[ashcoveredtraveler]

So I have an idea, I don't know if I will use it, but I am certainly going to play around with the idea.

What if Lurien and Xero are related?

In my stories, I base Lurien's design on a Scarlet Tiger Moth while I base Xero's design on a Madagascan Sunset Moth and baldfaced hornet, but that side of his heritage isn't as prominent. Anyway, I was looking at both moths and thought they looked similar enough with the majority of their bodies being black with spots of colors on their wings that they could be related. It would certainly be an interesting dynamic.

So timeline wise how would this work?

[TW: violence, character deaths(by murder and childbirth)]

I always imagined Lurien to be way older than many others in Hallownest as he is an important figure and the Pale King would like to keep him as long as possible so he placed spells to make him age way slower. I have also been playing with the idea that moths have a longer lifespan than many other bugs. So, a moth could physiology and mentally be in its yearly adulthood, while many bugs could be halfway through it. I am making this point to create an understanding of where everyone is in life.

So Lurien's grandparents would be Xero's great-grandparents. The family already had fertility issues, so it was a surprise when Lurien came to his parents as early as he did. Lurien was the only grandkid/kid/nephew of the family for a long while until he was almost around adulthood when his aunt and uncle had their daughter. This child would eventually become Xero's mom.

Lurien was ecstatic with this new family member and offered to help with babysitting as fertility issues weren't the only health issue they had, and still had to work. At the time, Lurien was currently working and slowly getting his education. The aunt and uncle see this and pay Lurien, but not as much as if he were to work normally. That didn't matter as the child was a bright light in his life. (I don't have a name for Xero's mom yet, so I'll just refer to her as Xero's mom or the child or Lurien's cousin)

Lurien was basically a third parent to this child, feeding her, helping her with her homework, and taking her to outings. He watched her grow up and even got close to some of her friends, taking care of them when they visited him(the most noticeable friend being the Seer).

As the years went on, Lurien got further into his education and everything seemed well.

One night changed that.

Lurien was at home along with his parents when intruders broke into his home. These intruders have been staking Lurien, unhappy with his successes. They intended to hurt him and take away those he loves. During this attack, they killed his parents and cut off his wings. Before even more could be done, the Seer intervened, attacking the intruders. She was able to get damaged before she was overpowered, but before any serious injuries came to her, Lurien's cousin came in and helped defend her cousin and friend. As soon as the intruders realized more bugs were getting involved, they escaped, never facing justice.

The experience was degrading, but the aftermath of the event was even more so. Wings are everything in moth culture, and if you don't have wings or broken wings, then you have no value.

He only stayed in the Resting Grounds for a week more until he made a decision he would regret for the rest of his life and leave the life he has known behind. Not even contacting anyone about his departure. Not even his cousin.

Lurien changed his name to what it is now and purchased many clothes and masks that hid his identity as a moth and almost started anew. At this point, his knowledge surpassed the education he was receiving and decided to take a placement test to get him further along and actually receive a position at one of the government buildings in the city.

Lurien was efficient in his job and got a promotion after his promotion. He was one of the few government officials who didn't care about profits for himself but cared about the citizens of Hallownest even if they didn't like what he is.

It wasn't until many years later that he became Watcher of the City.

At this point, he became brave enough to try to contact his cousin. That is how he found out that she died mere weeks before.

Heartbroken, Lurien searched up all he could about his cousin. He found out that her parents died and inherited their house, that she got a job as a dancer-she always had the prettiest wings, she got married, then died of childbirth.

Lurien looked deeper, looked into her husband- a wasp, and found him living in her house with a nymph who survived. This nymph is of course Xero.

It then became an obsession, checking in on the family, checking in on the last of his bloodline, but never visiting him.

This would go on for years, looking from afar, getting information as much as he could.

If you guys read my backstory for Xero[Here is the link which also has every Dream Warrior backstory] he eventually got betrayed and attacked by many bugs, getting burned alive and almost dying. He lost part of his wings and was shunned just like Lurien. Despite knowing that his cousin was in much pain, Lurien didn't reach out.

Now that this is the point where the timeline can deviate between what happens in AU's.

In the timeline where Xero gets infected by the Radiance and attempts to assassinate the King killed, Lurien is devastated. He blames himself. He knows he is cowered and should have supported his cousin as those who are vulnerable and emotional are more likely to get infected. He keeps this guilt, sealed away with it when the Vessel plan is set into motion.

If I were to incorporate this idea for my other AU's/fics Lurien just keep it a secret and would not reveal it to anyone. His only problem would be the Seer. She has met him on multiple occasions and if she were to listen to his voice for a long time she would surely know it would be her friends cousin.

After writing down this idea, I think this is a nice idea to play around with. I don't know how much I would actually get to use it as there is already so much going on in my stories.

[trofysisters]

Университет Антона, Вероники и Влада. Часть 1

О чем может мечтать парень, поступивший в университет? Конкретно Влад мечтал о любви всей жизни и рождении детей, (What can a guy who entered the university dream of? Specifically, Vlad dreamed of the love of his life and having children,)

поэтому приглядывался ко всем встречным девушкам. А вдруг одна из них - его судьба? Соседка Вероники, которая тоже положила на него глаз, начала проявлять признаки ревности, ведь ее он заметил раньше других. (so he kept an eye on all the girls he met. What if one of them was his destiny? Veronica's neighbor, who also had her eye on him, began to show signs of jealousy, because he noticed her before the others)

Поскольку Вероника смогла поступить на бюджет благодаря физическим навыкам, она решила тренировать брата на случай, если тот провалит экзамены. Спортсмены университету нужны, не отчислят. Правда попасть мячом в корзину Влад так и не смог. (Since Veronica was able to enter the budget thanks to her physical skills, she decided to train her brother in case he failed the exams. The university needs athletes, they won't expel him. However, Vlad was never able to hit the ball into the basket)

Вот Антон знал, что для успешного окончания семестра нужно написать курсовую работу, и в начале учебного года уже мог не волноваться об экзаменах. (But Anton knew that in order to successfully complete the semester, he needed to write a term paper, and at the beginning of the school year he could no longer worry about exams)

А когда он увидел, что курс лекций по физиологии ведет его отец, у Антона от сердца отлегло, точно сдаст. (And when he saw that his father was teaching a course of lectures on physiology, Anton felt relieved, he would definitely pass)

Влад по примеру старшего товарища делал задания, но учебной аудитории предпочитал мастерские. (Vlad, following the example of his older friend, did his homework, but preferred workshops to the classroom)

Коллега менеджера не забывала о своем несостоявшемся пасынке и приглашала Антона на прогулки в город. Конечно, в компании был и папа Антона. (The manager’s colleague did not forget about her failed stepson and invited Anton for walks in the city. Of course, Anton's dad was in the company)

Заодно на соревновании танцоров он смог выиграть денежный приз. Но может так его отец с коллегой решили помочь бедному студенту? (He also managed to win a cash prize at a dance competition. But maybe his father and colleague decided to help the poor student?)

Едва вернувшись домой, Антон чуть не оказался в объятиях незнакомца в костюме коровы. После пережитого шока он понял, что любит преследующую его девушку. (Having barely returned home, Anton almost found himself in the arms of a stranger in a cow costume. After the shock he experienced, he realized that he loved the girl pursuing him)

Не менее ошеломительным для него оказалось увидеть, как пожилая женщина - мама близнецов - делает стойку над бочонком с пуншем. Просто Вера приехала навестить детей и прочувствовать студенческую жизнь. (No less stunning for him was to see how an elderly woman - the mother of twins - did a handstand over a keg of punch. Vera simply came to visit the children and get a feel for student life)

Первый семестр все окончили великолепно, только Веронике придется изучить технику, чтобы хорошо закончить первый курс. (Everyone finished the first semester brilliantly, only Veronica will have to study mechanics in order to finish the first year well)

Отпраздновать успешную сдачу экзаменов студенты отправились в Ледовый дворец в Симбири. (The students went to the Ice Palace in Simbir to celebrate successfully passing their exams)

С тех пор, как Давид стал мэром Областного центра, он начал развивать периферию и активно зазывать горожан в новые спортивные комплексы. (Since David became the mayor of the Regional Center, he began to develop the outskirts and actively invite citizens to new sports complexes)

Однако не стоило забывать об учебе. Пока близнецы слушали лекцию по информатике, Антон вновь писал курсовую работу. (However, it was not worth forgetting about studying. While the twins were listening to a lecture on computer science, Anton was writing his term paper again)

Одним из обязательных предметов была музыка. К счастью, Влад умел музицировать, а Вероника - петь. (One of the compulsory subjects was music. Fortunately, Vlad knew how to play music, and Veronica knew how to sing)

В студенческом кафе голодный студент попытался украсть у Влада еду, но тот с достоинством сумел ее вернуть, тем самым обратив на себя внимание одной студентки. (In a student cafe, a hungry student tried to steal food from Vlad, but he managed to return it with dignity, thereby attracting the attention of one student)

Только Влад на нее даже не посмотрел, ведь Вероника обещала его вечером познакомить с его будущей невестой. Влад был заинтригован вплоть до момента, когда увидел на пороге сестру Коли. Филя, конечно, хотел бы видеть Влада своим зятем, но между ребятами разница в 6 лет. Фаина еще совсем ребенок. А вот Веронику разница с Колей в 2 года совсем не смущала. (Only Vlad did not even look at her, because Veronica promised to introduce him to his future bride in the evening. Vlad was intrigued until the moment when he saw Kolya's sister on the threshold. Filya, of course, would like to see Vlad as his son-in-law, but there is a 6-year difference between Vlad and Faina. Faina is still just a child. But Veronica was not at all embarrassed by the 2-year age difference with Kolya)

На этой вечеринке об Антоне все забыли, и он демонстративно сел читать энциклопедический словарь. Зато Вероника считала, что они все здорово повеселились. (At this party, everyone forgot about Anton, and he demonstratively sat down to read an encyclopedic dictionary. But Veronica thought that they all had a great time)

Да компания стариков и то проводила время интереснее. Коллега менеджера вновь позвала Антона на прогулку, в этот раз в кинотеатр. (But the group of old people had a more interesting time. The manager's colleague invited Anton for a walk again, this time to the cinema)

На премьеру фил��ма пришел Ксан Ксаныч, который решил поинтересоваться у Антона, что тот думает о возвращении своей матери, надолго ли она в их семье. (Ksan Ksanich came to the premiere of the film, who decided to ask Anton what he thought about his mother's return, how long she would be in their family)

Время приближалось к сдаче годовых экзаменов, но Веронику больше интересовала физиология, чем чтение скучных учебников. Впрочем, она рассчитывала на хорошую оценку на семинаре. Да и кто занизит оценку спортсменке? (The time was approaching for the annual exams, but Veronica was more interested in physiology than in reading boring textbooks. However, she was counting on a good grade at the seminar. And who would lower the grade for an athlete?)

Влад не хотел учиться, а хотел жениться, но чтобы не вылететь из университета, он попросил однокурсницу написать за него курсовую работу. (Vlad did not want to study, he wanted to get married, but in order not to be kicked out of the university, he asked a classmate to write his term paper for him)

К тому же, наконец выпал снег и можно поиграть в снежки, точнее, Вероника закидала более физически слабого брата снегом. (Besides, it finally snowed and they could play snowballs, or rather, Veronica threw snow at her physically weaker brother)

Один Антон корпел над выполнением учебных заданий, чтобы успешно закончить второй курс. (Anton alone was working hard on his school assignments to successfully complete his second year)

Помимо успехов в учебе его ждал успех и на любовном фронте, хотя во время первого поцелуя у него сердце ушло в пятки. (In addition to academic success, he was also successful on the love front, although his heart sank during their first kiss)

Пусть разными путями, но все ребята оказались в списке лучших студентов университета. (Although by different paths, all the guys ended up on the list of the best students at the university)

[artsyannierose]

Nene’s Dead Corpse and her ghost bf

randomly made a crap ton more sense to me

why?

fricking school (screw school I hate you (no not rly I’m just stressed))

Anyway I’m a biomed class where unit 1 is studying medical investigations forensic science style

and one of the things is like, what happens to a person after the body has been dead for a while (post mortem or sum, see im learning :D)

Things like algor mortis, livor mortis, I’ve heard of. In fact I’ve even studied the clouding of the corneas before, but it never got to me till today

maybe it’s cause I cannot for the life of me study forensics without my wild imagination giving me nightmares or just panicking when I’m alone but aNyWays

I tend to imagine characters associated with death in these scenarios so I don’t lose it in class💀

*cough* Nene *cough cough*

So as I was taking notes on the slideshow, some of the images of clouded corneas reminded me strangely of something familiar, but at that point I couldn’t tell. There’s something haunting about the eyes (or maybe it’s just my over-analytical brain loving small details like this) they’re GORGEOUS

LIKE

IDK THEYRE PRETTY

Maybe it’s ‘cause the true color of the iris is completely visible in all its glory, without the pupil obscuring it

(something like this?? A little vivid tho lol)

but like

there’s no

life

no reflection, no emotion…nothing (which is so hauntingly beautiful leave me alone I’m a sucker for this now)

it’s literally just an eye with nothing but color

and then it hit me…it’s exactly the look Nene had when Mirai fast-forwarded her time

you can see in the image it’s just her plain magenta eyes with a fuzzy de-saturated blob in the center…aka clouded corneas

And that honestly made me realize that in this scene she’s not—she’s not even unconscious

No she’s literally, physiologically dead

THAT IS A CORPSE HE IS HOLDING

she is literally a dead body this hits me so hard😭😭

and I can imagine algor mortis kicked in by then, her body was probably cold to the touch

so imagine how he felt, and I’m aware people have analyzed his emotions but just think about it

he’s always seen her so full of life and hope, and now all he has left is an empty shell of her, cold and dead with no life left inside

…just like him

the more I think about it Hanako is just an animated corpse

he has no reflection in his eyes most of the time because he is ✨dead✨

I mean Mei, Mitsuba, and Hanako don’t have a little white reflection dot like Nene and Kou

Or maybe I’m overthinking it and Nene’s eyes are just super reflective

even for someone who presumably took his own life, he probably never saw tsukasa’s body start postmortem and actually feel dead bc it looked extremely bloody ngl (I’m guessing he killed himself right after 💔)

and now he’s holding someone he cares about like this for the first time and I’ll bet that scarred him

and he figured out that never, never ever did he ever want to see his sweet assistant like this again, lifeless in his arms

and so after that, cue Hanako in his villain era who basically became a yandere the entire picture perfect lmao

and he was unbelievably adamant about it too

I mean honestly if I held anybody I knew lifeless like that I’d be scarred for life and crying for days

seeing the light drained from someone’s eyes is so interestingly sad to me

Look at the difference:

Happy

vs Sad/Determined

vs Depressed (ig??)

vs Dead

She still has so much emotion in her eyes

and then d e a d

literally looks like a porcelain doll

wait she looks so pale in the last image compared to the others now that I think about it

I love aidairo’s eye for detail it’s so fun to figure out

Well anyways thanks for coming to my Ted Talk essay atp-

IT’S PAST 1 AM AND I SHOULD BE STUDYING FOR SAID BIOMED CLASS AND HERE I AN GOING ON A TANGENT ABOUT A FICTIONAL CHARACTER’S EYES

send help

anyways excuse me while I grab a box of strawberries to munch on and cry my eyes out all over my homework before I sleep-

[sadie-bug345]

the gang as classes i’m taking this year 🤓☝️

is this a way for me to flex my fucked schedule? yes.

ponyboy:

AP Lit

ARE WE SURPRISED

likeeeee this is pony to a T

we’re currently reading the crucible (my school starts HELLA early in the year)

and pony is surprisingly vibing w the salem witch trials

a good amount of homework for this class, but since the majority is reading pony’s got that down

he does get super bored when they’re just taking notes though like his imagination just runs free

johnny:

APUSH ?? 🧍‍♀️

uhhh this was one i don’t really think would fit johnny but i only have 6 classes and calling “lunch” a class is reserved for steve

honestly this class is super quiet except the table i sit at with my friends so i think if johnny was with the gang (PRETEND THEY ALL GO TO SCHOOL OKAY🤨) or at least ponyboy he’d have a good old time

lots and lots and lots of notes but johnny kinda likes just independent work like that ykwim

group projects with random people suck the SOUL OUTTA HIM

darry:

sports med 2 ⚽️🏀🏈⚾️🥎‼️

darry would love this class at first solely cause there’s the word “sports” in it

this class has like 15 people in it, most are kinda jerks but he gets through it

when it comes to helping out the athletic trainer on game days after school, darry is THERE and he’s PREPARED

years of momming around teenage boys has prepared him to….tape some random kids wrist i guess

dally:

anatomy and physiology 🧍‍♀️☝️

HEAR ME OUT

first of all, i’d love to study human anatomy w him any day of the week💀🥰🤭😏😼

SECOND OF ALL, i think bros psychopathic tendencies would come out during dissection labs /j

in all seriousness though i feel like he’d be totally fearless when doing those typa labs like everyone’s kinda grossed out and scared (irl we gotta dissect a RABBIT😭🫢) and dally’s just like

”idk what yall are on about, mannn🙄”

also it’s a notoriously easy class at my school so that’s up dally’s lane for sure

two-bit:

pre calc🫢

NOW HEAR ME OUT AGAIN

the only reason i say this is because this year we got a new teacher to teach my pre calc class and she’s from some eastern european country and has an accent just like Grus from despicable me😭😭😭and that class is SO QUIET

and that’s kinda where two shines like he’ll yell out so much random shit in that class and it’s so hilarious to…

pretty much only his friends 🧍‍♀️ but that’s kinda the fun part though

lots of homework but you’re delusional if you think two-bits gonna actually do that

soda:

photo 2

the majority of the time spent in this class is just messing around on your computer which soda loves

like bro will find the most outta pocket and weird stuff to photograph

but also he gets real artsy with it sometimes just cause he’s messing around

surprisingly it turns out super good sometimes

he’s the king in general of being just as shocked as anyone that hes succeeding as a whole

steve:

LUNCH

bro struggles through the entire day just for these 20 minutes istg

like bro endures so much in classes he doesn’t understand with people he doesn’t like just for those moments😭😭

honestly that’s me during seasonal depression winter

hes the type to stop everyone during lunch and just rant about all the weird shit that happened throughout that day

like he’s def the type to see someone get jumped or do something weird in class and think

”man i gotta tell the gang about this at lunch”

actually doesn’t mind school food…😭

OK IDRK WHAT THIS WAS THIS KINDA SUCKED BUT ANYWAYS MY INBOX IS OPEN BYEEEEE🥰🥰

[buttfrovski]

hi! I recently saw one of your current posts about your grades and as a struggling allied health study with science classes HOW DO YOU MANAGE STUDYING?? Ive been having a hard time and if you have any advice on how to study or anything that would be great! And also I checked ur art and u have such a cute artstyle <3

LONG RANT!! (also college specific cuz trying to pull this off in highschool is tough)

one thing i do is skip lectures. if i don't find them helpful, i don't go. instead i go to the library and do homework. if i have participation points, i go to lecture and do my homework in lecture haha-

my schedule spring semester, because i had to go to most lectures for points, was 3 lectures 9-12 (skipped my 1pm). so between those hours i would grind out my menial/busy work assignments while in lecture. they were easy topics tho so i didn't have to study much. summer semester was similar.

this fall semester was brutal tho- but i did skip a LOT of lecture. 9 AM lectures on MWF, 8AM lecture and 1PM recitation on T, 1-3PM lab on W, free on Th. Everything else i skipped. But most days I would go to the library and lock in. My homework for STEM classes was usually only quizzes. But yeah- that's generally how i blocked my time. for the first half of the semester i rarely was doing school work past 12-1.

It's also important to not study at home. I ended up having to at the end of the semester cuz the library got so damn loud- but having that "third space" is a life saver. esp if you have ADHD. it's like conditioning your mind to go into study mode.

NOW- in terms of how i studied- i stopped taking notes. instead- i would just make flashcards, and that kinda doubled as "note taking." i would pull up the lecture objectives/study guide list and the lecture slide show, and make a flashcard set. just to make sure i combed through everything.

my real life saver was youtube. to make sure i understood thing CONCEPTUALLY, that where the whiteboard would come in.

since u say ur in health i assume you'll have to learn physiology. so i think the most important concepts to make sure u master are

-G coupled protein receptors

-Endocrine stuff in general

-Parasympathetic and Sympathetic is huge!

-Action Potentials/Muscle Excitation

-Fick's and Boyle's law. High concentration to low, high pressure to low.

These came up over and over in all the different systems so having such a strong understanding from the start was great.

But yeah. Sorry for how long this is. I was very passionate about my classes this semester. Overall- know yourself. Know what works for you- when your energy spikes in the day- what assignments might drain you and need special attention- etc

But don't procrastinate. Coming from a recovered chronic procrastinator- it's not worth it haha

[suicideassistance]

omg the fact that you have a phd in pharmaceutical sci is soo cool! (pls help me with my homework)

do you study pharmacokinetics in a biology sense or is it more focused on drug formulation in a chemistry perspective? i’m actually looking to study something similar in the future, any thoughts on the field are greatly appreciated!

also, i’m happy that you’re slowly coming back <33

~🦢

We use chemistry and biology, as well a multitude of others. For example,

We need biochemistry to understand how the drugs interact with biological systems— to confirm or correct its targeted suitability. This is one way we determine the effectiveness. The next being physiology, which helps to understand drug interactions with the body.

Organic and medicinal chemistry are used to understand and synthesize drug designs and molecule modification. Essentially— "cooking" the drug. And then, of course— pharmacology. Understanding the mechanics of drug interactions.

There's some math and engineering, as well. Though I'd recommend chemistry, biology and medicine above all. I wish you the best of luck on your journey.

Just remember, It's only hard for those who fear failure. After time, a lot of it will feel natural. And what doesn't, will excite you.

[golmorehotgirl]

please please please share some of your viera headcanons I BEG OF YOU

First off I want to say sorry for how long this has taken to respond to! Secondly I am so sorry for the massive lore dump I am about to give your poor unwitting self. Also I'm pretty nervous about sharing as I've only ever talked about these with like one or two other people before fdafdasf

So to start off with some things to know! 

I like to follow lore as closely as possible and use it as a good framework to go off of but also I’m not afraid to throw things out or modify them if I feel they make no sense (looking at you f viera starter gear for a jungle and mountain fairing people they tried to legitimize rather than just say you wanted to honor Fran and have them serve cunt and go.) 

Eastern viera are south asian inspired to me, specifically Nepal, Tibet, and Bhutan for Veena and Sri Lanka, Bangladesh, and Myanmar for Rava and that the Skatay range is pretty much just the Himalayas. I can talk more about why I think this if you want! 

I can’t promise there isn’t some blending of Bosmer lore from the Elder Scrolls in my headcanons! As a longtime ES fan and specifically Bosmer lover I can definitely see where someone was looking at another’s homework when it comes to the two. 

Majority of my headcanons are for Rava as that’s what my one character I’ve made is so where my brain decided to fixate and what I’ve spent the most time thinking about!

I’ve been thinking about this for so long I don’t really remember what’s my own headcanons and what’s canon lore so if I reiterate canon lore just help grandma get back to her room.

So let’s get started!

History and Physiology

Were originally shapeshifters that through a mass exodus (not sure on reason yet!) were removed from their ancestral lands before taking refuge in Golmore by the Wood and entered into the Green Pact with it. That is when they were given their forms we see today and thus consider their forms sacred and it blasphemous to change them. (Do you know how insane I felt playing Endwalker on release and getting the Ancient’s transformation lore??? Literally the Leo Dicaprio pointing at the TV meme LMAO.) Their leporine ears were also part of their new forms to better hear the Wood with. (Still deliberating on if I want to include the superstitious in-game lore on them being able to hear the spiritual realm with them or not!) 

At some point the viera we know as Veena broke off and migrated North to the Skatay range. 

This is also why they can transform but I believe it’s an Eastern Viera trait only for now until we get more lore on Shetona and how they got over to Xak Tural! Although transformation is a last resort to be initiated only when their jungle homes are truly on the brink of destruction and thus the Wood will release “mist” that will cause the nearby viera to transform at various levels depending on how close they are to it. (I’m of two minds on if aether and mist are two different things as if they aren’t how could Viera players like…..do anything lmao so for now I’m choosing to believe they are two different things!) The lowest form of transformation is what we’ve seen in FF12 where Fran enter’s a “frenzy” state. The entirety of transformation is, understandably,  quite frightening for Viera as once they go past a certain threshold there is no returning to their previous state and they will stay in this frenzied anomalous state completely losing their consciousness and only knowing peace with death. Thus this is rarely talked about outside of hushed whispers and believed by most to be a sort of old wive’s tale. 

I believe they live longer than the 300 year estimate given to us by the game as this is outside scholar’s conjecture and never stated by a Viera themselves (how in the goddamn hell is Fran still around LMAO.) With those that live closest to the heart of the Wood living the longest. 

Living beyond their natural lifespan is possible by a process of binding yourself to the wood and as the process continues the viera will lose more and more of their own consciousness but this is all still lore WIP! (I think the endgame of this would be like the spriggans from Skyrim but this is NOT a common practice and is considered to be a very extremist thing that most wouldn’t ever conceive of doing.)

Many would believe hearing to be their strongest sense but I believe it is their sense of smell.

Like in the official viera dancer promo image that included very finely rendered hair that looks like a down soft fuzz on their body I shared on tumblr, (link) I believe they do have a body hair like that! As well as baby hairs around their scalp that can descend into facial esque hair which I’ve also talked on tumblr about before! (Link)

A large part of their communicative style is nonverbal and expressed through subtle ear movements, nose twitches and head bobbing. Non viera aren’t able to pick up on these thus giving them the “strong and stoic” impression we’ve gotten of them so far and explanation for their more laidback emotes. (Tavi after leaving Golmore and after being able to get entry to Kugane had no trouble fitting into the more subdued style of their culture due to this but when coming to Eorzea was hit with the “you’re so strong/silent/have such an air about you” and it’s like….no!!! She’s so expressive and fun but they were able to pick up on a lot of it between that and her not knowing the language. Thus she had to pick up, what felt like to her, Disney channel theater kid level theatrics to get Eorzeans to finally understand and pick up on her emotions. This is why when she finally met another source viera through Fran and then Erenville they were both like “…….sis you good….what in the hell is wrong with her.”)

Culture

“As it was, so shall it be” A common platitude in their society that embodies their archival like society. By nature their existence is one to uphold their way of living and their environment as it is.

They view themselves as separate from “man”, different beings and on the same playing field, but children created by the wood. So in the few instances Tavi is referred to as “child of man” she’s like “first off I’m no child of man so go ahead jot that one down.”

By extension they view the majority of the outside world’s conflicts frivolous and “the folly of man.” 

There is no currency as they are a communal society.

There are as many different and varied tribes amongst them as there are on the Azim Steppe but they are all united and live relatively harmoniously with one another through their shared upholding of the Green Word and their higher purpose of preserving the wood. 

Extensive massive underground caves with entire jungles within them exist (think Son Doong cave) there are rumors of viera that live down in them that have completely black eyes and will steal children who misbehave (the last part is conjecture on the part of exhausted viera trying to make their children behave and most likely started as a way to keep any over adventurous kids to stay out of them.) (This is also probably the source of Tavi’s deep unease of caves.)

They do not believe in themselves as having dominion over the land and wildlife as the rest of the world does and view animals as on the same level as them to be respected for their place in the environment.

They are a nontheistic people who believe the Wood that they commune with to be a guardian spirit.

They practice what would be closest to our irl religion known as Jainism (modern day Tavi is Jain!) 

They are an ascetic people and eschew possession and materialism and despise egotism.

Do not have beauty standards like we do. (Tavi would tell you that “pretty” and “ugly” are concepts she never even considered or thought to apply to herself or another prior to living in the outside world. She just …was.) And to comment solely on another’s appearance rather than a specialty or skill that they are proficient in is seen as a rather large insult. (As in commenting on someone’s height only as if that is all they can contribute to the society.) 

Personality stereotypes based on ear shape and position on the head similar to how we do with hair colors!

Due to white/silver hair being the most common viera born with different hair colors (black specifically) most would consider lucky.

They are all trained in basic combat in order to 1) protect themselves against the elements 2) protect the jungle in case of invasion. Some go on to be much more martially inclined though.

Their basic combat they are taught is closely tied to the rest of their culture as it’s heavily inspired by in real life Kalaripayattu which is a martial art that not only encompasses fighting but yoga, dancing and performing arts. 

That said, music and dancing are important parts of their culture! One of the things I really loved in Shadowbringers and thought they did well was that they really dispelled this stern and stoic idea we’d been given of viera with how silly they let some of the Viis be. Idk I just think they’re a very lively and jovial, colorful society. 

Once a viera reaches adulthood they’re given the option to continue to take the pact of the Green Word and continue life within Golmore. If they choose not to, they are allowed to leave on good terms and most will allow you to return if you choose. It’s only if after taking the pact that you leave that you are considered an oathbreaker and are stripped of even being a viera and not allowed to return. 

I still think they are very rare in the outside world excluding little enclaves (Old Sharlayan for example and certain parts of Dalmasca.) Most people in the outside world will go their entire life not seeing one (and imagine them to be fables if i’m being honest.) Old Sharlayan is the most popular place for them to immigrate to, outside of Dalmasca of course, and they are welcomed there for their specialized knowledge on a wide variety of subjects. For those that are academically inclined archivist and preservationist roles are especially popular due to their long lived nature. (see the in-game lore of the vieran sommelier who saved the cellar of Dalmascan Red from being lost in the Garlean invasion.)

Gender and Sexuality

They are by default a genderless society and only recognize sex. My dream if we ever do get to explore Golmore is that their clothing/animations and emotes will be freely shared between the sexes! 

The most common pronoun in their language and the one used by most is a gender neutral one. 

Names are inherently gender neutral although if a child decided to change their name upon developing their sex they may.

I’m still doing a lot of research on intersex people in various cultures to decide where they would fit in their society but I firmly stand by the fact they would not be ostracized or shunned and more than likely given the choice to decide how they want to live. As I said, still a work in progress!

Sexuality is not strictly defined as it is for us, it’s really a culture of do what makes you happy and it’s your own business.

That said, queer experiences are very much the norm just by default of the way their society operates even if just on a strictly platonic level. (And they were roomates!!!) 

Lifestyle

No aetherytes are allowed in the entirety of the Golmore jungle as they disturb the natural aether. (Tavi herself only uses them if absolutely necessary as it’s an uneasiness she still has yet to shake.)

The first thing Viera do upon waking in their tribe is to start their morning off with communing with the Wood through guided meditation where they receive any major tasks that is required of them by the Wood (ridding of pestilence, fauna that needs cleared or felled, etc.) After this the tasks are dispensed out to those most suited to them and the rest of the day is spent however each individual viera sees fit outside of any pressing matters needing to be attended to within the tribe.

Meditation is a very important activity practiced by all!

Relationships and Reproduction 

Romance is decentered and viewed more as an optional side quest as opposed to a main goal of life. 

The most venerated relationship in their society is that of mother and child as it symbolizes the relationship betwixt viera nd the spirit of the Wood itself.

A maternal relationship doesn’t even necessarily have to be with that of a biological mother either, it is quite common to see a viera be closely bonded and/or mentored by a an older viera who didn’t give birth to them. (Tavi and her biological mother were very close and considered to be oddly close even by their standards if that tell you anything! Tavi herself would tell you the most important person in her life is her mother and the person she loves most (and vice versa really.)) 

The closest thing they have to what we consider to be marriage would be devotional tattoos (as tattooing and piercing are big in Eastern Viera society) and it is a very serious practice taken by two people regardless of sex that is not to be taken lightly and isn’t even undertaken by most. It is a process using a very personal form of tattooing and is thought to bind your souls together so you may find one another in the next life as they believe in reincarnation and it is an important part of their beliefs and society. (If Tavi were to explain this to you she’d say at this part “this is why it’s so serious and not common!! Imagine binding your soul to another and finding out you can’t stand them in a couple years!!! You’d be stuck finding them over and over again!!!” She is a silly and fun girl to listen to.) 

Pregnancy isn’t considered appropriate until well after reaching adulthood so well into their 40s.

A natural contraceptive exists there in the form of a herb consumed as a tea.

Being as long lived as they are and prioritizing living harmoniously with their environment and not to take more than needed and overtax resources children are brought into their world at a much slower rate compared to the outside world. As they have to decide if their community can handle the additional resources needed and more importantly, that it won’t place too much of a toll on the environment. Living completely harmoniously with the environment and never taking more than you can give to it is of tantamount importance. (I will also use the in-game source here of there being such a small population even within Golmore to reaffirm this.)

I disregard the “male viera visit villages every 3-5 years” as it doesn’t make much sense to me as I don’t believe viera are suffering casualties frequently enough to have to replenish villagers at such a rate and with their extended lifespansI don’t believe they’d be having children every 3-5 years. Especially in a matriarchal society that eschews romantic love and our ideas of a nuclear family, I do not believe a large portion of women would willingly choose to have children every 3-5 years especially as there is no societal pressure to do so. 

It’s not uncommon for a female viera to go their entire life not seing a male viera especially if none were born within her village and she had no interest in child-bearing. (Tavi herself had only one twice due to her childhood friend developing as male and being picked up by one.)

Childhood 

Vieran children are fed sap from the Wood upon birth as this is a form of colostrum for them and this practice is a major part of what makes a viera a Rava. It is also a natural source of immunity to most diseases as well as offering a few other buffs. Sap also acts as a sort of camouflage for them as it gives them a distinct scent of the Wood thus most animals will not attack unless provoked and is a way for Rava viera to immediately recognize one another. (This is how Tavi knew upon meeting Erenville he wasn’t from the East but our charitable queen kept that to herself.) Many viera believe sap to be their Lifesource and is included in a lot of their culinary dishes. 

Viera are not considered to have reached adulthood in their society until their 30s.

Children are looked after by the community and considered to be a blessing as they are seen as a sign the village is very prosperous.

Children are seen as very sacred as they are literally the future of the tribe and a fundamental part of the community going forward. Because of this and the fact that they aren’t born as often as elsewhere they’re fiercely protected. (Tavi’s mom was a very proficient healer and as such doubled as a midwife and was quite envied as she got to be the first to touch and golf the newborn! I believe everyone wants to see their newest community member and is eager to hold and love on them. Keep in mind everyone has a hand in raising them so it’s in a way everyone’s newest child!)

Taught from a young age to be able to completely survive in the wild and elements as life in Golmore is relatively peaceful but just as in real life, if you do not respect nature and your place in it, it will not respect you. 

These are just the ones I came up with off the top of my head but I will keep sharing as I go forward!

[eatmangoesnekkid]

Belly dance Week 16 Observations: "Opening Up New Worlds Via Egyptian Belly Dance"

I can't believe that I have been taking belly dance lessons for 4 months now! Woohooo!!!

I have mentioned before how any woman or non-binary person interested in amplifying their connection to the feminine must consider taking belly dance classes or any class where you get to broaden your hip-to-ass consciousness and its range of motion. If you can't afford classes YET, visualize yourself being able to. Use your imagination to walk yourself through your ideal day and bask in your belly dance lessons from here! When you are moving through lack/scarcity, it is not something to be ashamed of. It just means that at least 60 percent of your "free time" must include you colluding with the slow-footed or quantum leaping unseen realm and transcendentally playing in the prophetic dreaming space of your imagination to inspire a shift in consciousness. Anyone who has survived anything knows that even when you hit the bottom and life strips you of everything, you always have your imagination.

This is good news. We have always been more than survivors.

As a dancer (pole, aerial, and belly dance), I sense how the female form is nothing short of a creative canvas, a medium for sound, light, and expression to enter and exit and favorably impact anyone we encounter. We are always receiving and giving through our inner wisdom, so when we grow our dance skills, we gift observers with more light from our presence and heartfelt connection with our whole body, and not merely attempt to robotically connect with another from the limits of our mind/intellect. The better we learn to care for our body, the more deeply we can understand our inner workings and create new dreams through the portals of our body as a kind of moving prayer. For example, we can create an artful love story through our shaking in ways that enhance our health, quality of moon time and pelvic bowl, and vitality.

As someone with 3 Bachelor degrees, Accounting, Chemistry and Biology, through my university studies I learned the basics of physiology and anatomy—the muscles, tissues, blood and bones, but there is nothing like having a hands-on, body-based dance rites of practice with nightly homework that can only be done while dancing to ambient music and gazing into a full length mirror . What I have learned in my lived experience as a belly dance student for 4 months is that the human body, human potential, and performance optimization rest in understanding the fascial system as part of our own self-care. And belly dance or any other form of dance helps us to get to know our creative wisdom, our womb wisdom, more intimately.

Our spiralic female body needs movement like it needs air and water. We are naturally receptive beings and movement helps us to open, awaken, and let go the accumulations. When we belly dance or routinely move our hips and belly in multi-directional ways, we naturally unwind the fascia in every area, which decreases our body’s tensions, stuckness, aches and pains, and mystically unlock and realign us to our magic and miracles. When our body is working more harmoniously, we are naturally more magical and miraculous in this reality. That is because everything orients from inside the dark and radiates outwards eventually, like a seed becomes a flower, you see.

You must get to know this nebulous word called "fascia," pronounced "fas-sha." Not only is it valuable to your body, it secretly holds a lot of old narratives, inherited trauma patterns, and the results from “harmful” programming and the accompanying choices made in earlier years. Fascia is so valuable, earthy, and ancient that without it, our bones would just fall straight onto the ground. We would not be able to walk, stand, or move. Fascia is what holds us together. Literally. Pray to it. It is spider web-like substance, an intricate, a 3-dimensional net of connective tissue, a root chakra energetic, and the support system of our entire body. Like a spider web, when there is a blockage somewhere, the whole web will shift and pull towards it and create other irregularities in the webbing i. e. body.

In belly dance, our movement geometry is rarely linear. We unwind in spirals, waves, circles, breasts shakes, spinal undulations, gyrations, hip drops, belly rolls, figure-8s, shimmies, and other wild uncoilings which instinctively create more lubrication in our fascia. More lubrication eventually leads to new body narratives. And new body narratives leak wide open into new life narratives. Even when there appears not to be forward progression, we have the wet pussy energy flow to stay 100 percent devoted and confident in our passions, medicine, and purpose.

India Ame'ye, Author

[xtaketwox]

It Looks As Though You're Letting Go - Chapter 5

Fic Summary: Everyone is born with an arrow on the back of their hand which points to their soulmate at midnight on their eighteenth birthday. After her parents' disastrous marriage and her father's subsequent depression following her mother's death, Nesta realized a soulmate is nothing more than guaranteed heartache and ruination. On the eve of her eighteenth birthday, she packs up her car and leaves her family and life behind forever. What she doesn't count on, however, is having a soulmate like Cassian, who may be the one to prove to her that a soulmate is what she needs.

Fic Rating: Explicit

Warnings: Parental Death in this chapter.

Chapter Word Count: 6006

Based on this prompt

Read on AO3 Fic Masterlist

Chapter 5

Five Years Later

Cassian threw his keys on the side table when he walked through the door. It had been a long day. Not for the first time did he question his decision to get double masters degrees. But he was almost done. So long as he didn’t have a mental breakdown before reaching graduation, he only had a couple more months left. 

After Nesta removed herself from his life, Cassian had thrown himself into work, school, or really anything that kept his mind off how much he missed her. In the intervening years, he had gotten fairly decent at keeping her off his mind, though the pain of missing her had never dulled. It was part of what prompted him to seek a double masters in exercise physiology and business. The semester after that disastrous summer, and every semester after, he had taken as many undergrad classes as he could cram into a semester and had finished his undergraduate degree in three years. His advisor had suggested he shoot for three years to complete both masters programs, but he had largely ignored that advice, too keen to keep himself busy. If he didn’t fuck it up now, he’ll have completed both in two years.

Mor and Azriel frequently teased him for becoming so academic, as if Mor and Az weren’t themselves rapidly working their way up the Night Industries corporate ladder. He let the teasing slide, however, since he knew they didn’t mean anything by it. He saw the worry behind their eyes, the worry he knew they tried to hide from him. Early on, he had tried to tell them he was fine, but he had never been good at hiding his feelings from his friends.

Cassian toed off his shoes, rubbing his eyes as he tossed his shoulder bag on the floor and padded to the kitchen. He heated up some leftovers and grabbed a beer, sitting on the couch and turning on the tv, an indulgence he rarely had time for these days. But he had successfully made it through his midterms and needed at least one night to decompress before immediately returning to the daily homework grind. 

He was half-asleep, nursing the last of his beer, when his doorbell rang. He frowned, checking his phone to see if he had missed a text from Mor or Az as he stood. 

Cassian unlocked the door and opened it, freezing when he saw who was on the other side. 

“What are you doing here?” His tone came out more accusatory than he meant it, but the shock of Nesta Archeron standing in front of him had rendered him braindead, apparently. He hadn’t seen Nesta in person since she had all but admitted she loved him and then broken his heart. 

Despite his best efforts, in the years between then and now, he had let bitterness creep in. Logically, he knew it wasn’t him she had rejected, not really, but that didn’t make the pain of that rejection hurt any less. It hadn’t helped that Mor, Az, and even Rhys—on the rare occasion he could get away from the clutches of Amarantha long enough to hang out with them—had at different times expressed irritation towards the woman who had hurt their friend.

When Nesta said nothing, Cassian opened his mouth to tell her to leave, but stopped when he finally took in her appearance. Her lips were pressed in a firm line, her eyes were red-rimmed as if she had been crying, and she was hugging herself, her fingers digging into her arms as she stared at his chest.

All anger and bitterness melted away. “What happened?”

Nesta closed her eyes, her knuckles white on her arms, her voice hoarse when she spoke. “I—I should go. I don’t know why I came.”

She turned to go but Cassian reached out and grabbed her arm. “Please. Tell me what’s wrong.”

She froze, staring down at his hand, her expression hollow, and he resisted the urge to demand that she tell him what happened, his heart pounding as he waited. He thought maybe she wasn’t going to answer, but after a long silence she looked up at him, and his pounding heart squeezed at the tears pooled in her eyes.

“My dad died.”

~~~~~~~~~

Feyre had called Nesta a couple hours ago, her voice choked as she informed Nesta of their father’s passing. It had happened suddenly, and even though Nesta had spent the better part of her life hating the man, the words had hit her as though someone had punched her in the gut. She wasn’t even sure she had responded to Feyre before hanging up her phone. 

She had stared at the floor for a long time, unaware of how much time passed. Whatever she had thought she would feel upon her father’s passing, this hollow aching void in the center of her chest hadn’t been it. She supposed she had never given much thought to the idea of her father’s eventual passing, despite the fact she knew it would happen some day, and despite the fact that she had already lost her mother. 

Suddenly, Nesta hadn’t wanted to be alone at the house anymore and had gotten into her car and started driving, with no idea where she was headed until she parked and realized she was in front of Cassian’s apartment building. She had considered leaving immediately, perhaps going to her new friends Gwyn or Emerie instead, but hadn’t wanted to have to explain her life to them. She had kept her past closed off from her new friends, too wary of scaring them off with the callous abandonment of her family to entirely be herself around them. 

She supposed it made sense that the first person she would go was to Cassian. Despite everything, he was the only person in her life that she had ever let close, had ever let see the real her. Even after so much time, he was still the only person who felt like home. 

Seeing him now, the force of it took her breath away, mixing with the pain of loss to create a jumble of emotions Nesta couldn’t even begin to work through. 

So she didn’t. Nesta took a deep breath as Cassian gently pulled her inside, shoving all her feelings deep down where she wouldn’t have to examine them. She brushed the back of her hands across her cheeks to rid them of tear tracks. 

“I’m sorry,” she said, looking around. Although she had Cassian’s apartment saved in her phone, she had never been, had been too worried when they were friends about how intimate it would feel to be in his space. Ironically, her boundaries hadn’t mattered in the end. She had fallen in love with him anyway. Somehow, she had never accounted for the eventuality that becoming best friends with her soulmate would lead to love and they had both paid the price for that mistake. 

Nesta was somewhat surprised by how cozy Cassian’s apartment was. None of the furniture could be described as nice or expensive, but it was clean and had a lived-in quality to it that loosened something in her chest. He had a couch off to one side facing a television on the opposite wall, with a wooden coffee table and matching end tables, and two armchairs on either side. A well-loved dining table stood between the small kitchen and living space. A hallway off to one side led to what she could only assume was a bedroom. 

“Can I get you anything?” 

She turned towards Cassian, who looked to be doing his best not to look concerned. She swallowed, her throat thick, and shook her head. “No.” Her voice came out in a rasp. 

He gestured toward the couch. “Have a seat.”

She glanced at the door, wondering if this had been a bad idea, and then walked over and sat in the center of the couch. She placed her hands in her lap, resisting the urge to fidget, and stared at the coffee table. There were scratches and water rings all over it. From the corner of her eye, she saw Cassian sit in the chair to her right. 

“I don’t know what I’m doing here,” she said without looking at him. 

Cassian was quiet for a long moment. Long enough that she thought perhaps he wasn’t going to respond.

“I do,” he said, his deep voice quiet.

Nesta looked up, frowning, although she didn’t feel any of her usual ire. “Oh? Care to enlighten me?”

A corner of his lip twitched, as if he found her snark amusing. Or maybe that was relief she saw in his eyes. “You came here because I’m the only person you feel comfortable with.”

Nesta pressed her lips together, unable to deny the truth of those words. Even five years later, Cassian was still the only person she could be her true self around, the only person she didn’t have to hide from. 

“Is that so?” she said, not wanting to let him know how right he was, though her dull tone masked her sarcasm. “And how exactly do you know that? We haven’t seen each other in five years.”

Something flitted across his gaze at that, but he quickly masked it with a smile. “I know because that’s exactly how I feel.” At her raised eyebrows he continued. “I mean, I’m plenty comfortable around Mor, and Az, and Rhys, but…it’s different when I’m around you.”

Nesta swallowed at the pleasant warmth that spread through her at that, leaning back into the plush cushions of the couch. They fell into a not unpleasant silence, Nesta staring at her hands as she tried to keep her scrambled emotions from taking over.

“Are you going to the funeral?” 

The question was asked quietly, but it felt as if Cassian had shouted the words. Nesta looked up to the ceiling in an attempt to keep the tears pooling in her eyes from falling and shook her head.

Cassian was quiet for several more moments and then asked, “Are you sure?”

Nesta nodded, unable to stop herself from sniffling. She didn’t know how to explain that she didn’t deserve to go, that she didn’t deserve to cry over his death when she had spent his last years pretending he didn’t exist. Her sisters had stayed, had taken care of him, and her presence there could only serve as a reminder that she had abandoned them all. 

“What can I do to help?” 

Nesta shook her head, shaking loose the tears which grew too large to keep from falling. Without saying anything, Cassian moved to sit beside her, wrapping his arm around her and tucking her into his side. 

Nesta knew she should tell him to let go, but instead she turned her face into his chest, inhaling the faint scent of soap and cologne as her shoulders shook, silent tears staining his shirt. 

Being with Cassian now felt as if no time had passed, as if she had never driven him away.

~~~~~~~~

Nesta had fallen asleep against Cassian, her tears soaked into his shirt. He stood, lifting her into his arms and walking her to his bedroom. He laid her down in the middle of the bed and began pulling off her shoes and socks. He hesitated a moment before unbuttoning her pants and sliding them off. He left her shirt on, pulling back the covers and tucking her into them. She hardly stirred. 

He walked back into his living room, pulling a hand down his face. He felt helpless, his heart aching at her tears. He could only imagine what she must be feeling. She didn’t know he knew about her life before, and he didn’t know if it would do any good to tell her that he knew what had happened during her childhood. It seemed like exactly the sort of thing that would drive her away, make her feel that he had betrayed her privacy. 

He debated grabbing another beer from the fridge, but decided he’d rather keep a clear head in case Nesta woke up and needed him. He sat down on the couch and turned on the tv, but stared blankly at it. His gaze found her purse by his door and he debated seeing if he could open her phone, if only to let her family know she was safe and maybe call into wherever she worked, but decided to leave well enough alone. Nesta was an adult, he reminded himself. She didn’t need him taking care of her. 

But god did he want to. Cassian scrubbed at his face again, rubbing a tight spot on his chest. His emotions were running haywire, a mix of happiness, sadness, and bitterness all vying for attention. 

He had tried not to notice how beautiful she was, knowing that the death of her father was not the time to be having those sorts of thoughts, but he couldn’t help it. Nesta had always been beautiful and five years apart hadn’t changed that fact.

He had contemplated dating many different times in the intervening years, of trying to find whatever happiness he could, but every time he had opened a dating app he felt nauseated. He knew it didn’t make sense, but it felt as if he were somehow betraying Nesta by even thinking it. He had started heading back home whenever he could find the time, going to nightclubs with Azriel and Mor. There had certainly been plenty of willing women, but no matter how much he had tried to, he couldn’t stop Nesta’s face from appearing in his mind and had always ended up gently letting the women know he was unavailable.

Seeing Nesta now, it was as if the last five years had been nothing but one long nightmare. He loved her just as much now—even more perhaps—as he had five years ago. Being in her presence again released a tension in his shoulders that he hadn’t even realized he’d been carrying. Knowing she was sleeping in the next room left him feeling like he could finally take a full breath of air. 

Was this just a consequence of the soulmate bond? Cassian thought perhaps, but he also thought it was just Nesta. Soulmate or no, he loved this frustrating woman, and there would never be anyone else. If his experiences over the last five years hadn’t already made that abundantly clear, seeing her now, feeling himself relax in her presence would have convinced him. 

He leaned his head back at the realization, feeling equally elated and morose. Was this what love always felt like? A combination of joy and absolute hell at the way someone held your happiness in their hands? Or was it simply loving Nesta—complicated, prickly, beautiful, wonderful Nesta—that felt like he had left his heart beating outside his chest.

Had she even missed him? Had she gone through as much hell as he had over this separation? The bitterness he worked tirelessly to keep at bay reared its head. They could have spent the past five years together, could have been happy if not for her own stubbornness. Cassian rubbed at his eyes with his index finger and thumb. 

He couldn’t let himself think like this, or it would ruin any chance he had at convincing Nesta to give them another shot, to at least remain friends, even if they both wanted more. He didn’t know if he could survive watching her leave again. 

~~~~~~~~

Nesta woke slowly, enveloped in warmth and not wanting it to end. She hadn’t slept that well in years. Her fingers brushed against the soft cotton of the pillow at her head before the previous evening came crashing back into her and she froze.

She peeked an eye open, praying she hadn’t done something truly stupid, her breath whooshing out when she realized she was alone in the center of the bed. She sat up, combing her fingers through her hair as she remembered the previous night. Embarrassment burned hot through her at the emotion she had shown, at the tears she had wetted Cassian’s shirt with. She cringed at the thought of going out there and facing him. 

Nesta pulled her knees up, wrapped her arms around them, and leaned her forehead down. She took a deep breath, forcing the rising panic down. When it seemed to help, she took several more deep breaths, willing the panic back down into the little box in her mind that she locked all the emotions she didn’t want to examine too closely. 

There was a soft click as the door opened and then Cassian said, “Oh good, you’re awake.”

Nesta steeled herself and looked up, her breath hitching as she took Cassian in. In truth she had been too distraught and emotional to really look at him the night before. His hair was in a messy bun, as if he had slept with it pulled back and hadn’t yet fixed it. He wore no shirt, his abundant muscles on full display, and a pair of loose-fitting sweatpants. Nesta forced herself to look up at him, to ignore the rush of memories from so long ago. He had been no boy then, but he had filled out more in the years since their first tumble into bed, and she wasn’t so stupid as to try to convince herself that it wasn’t the sight of his expansive muscles that made her mouth go dry.

Cassian seemed to be waiting for her to respond, but no words would come, so she merely nodded. He gestured toward a dresser off to the side. “I left your pants there on top of the dresser.” He nodded to the floor. “And your shoes and socks there. If you want to shower, you can grab a shirt and pants in the dresser there.” 

When she didn’t respond, he cleared his throat. “I was going to make an omelet. Did you want one?”

Nesta closed her eyes at the thought of eating and shook her head. 

“I’ll leave you to it, then,” Cassian said, shutting the door quietly behind him. 

Nesta looked at the dresser. The smart thing to do would be to dress and leave, to pretend that she had never come. 

Except…

She got out out of the bed and headed to the dresser, pulling open a drawer to find neatly folded shirts. She stared down at them as her mind emptied of all thought. Perhaps it was exhaustion, perhaps it was grief, or perhaps it was simply being here, but Nesta was frozen, unable to move as she stared at the shirts in front of her. The smart thing to do would be to leave and go back to her life, the life where Cassian was nothing more than a person from her past, but she wasn’t feeling particularly smart at the moment. 

After what could have been one minute or ten, she grabbed a shirt at random, pulling open another drawer to find his boxers. She bit her lip, but didn’t let herself think too hard before grabbing a pair and heading into the hall toward the bathroom. It took a solid five minutes for the spray to warm up, but Nesta just stared at the water in a trance, her thoughts a jumble. Blinking several times to break her trance, she stuck a hand under the spray and, finding it warm, stepped under it. 

Nesta stood under the showerhead, letting the water wash down her, feeling it cleanse the dried tears from her face, the warmth loosening the tension in her shoulders as the water beat down. She grabbed the bottle of shampoo on the side of the tub and poured a generous amount in her hand. As she scrubbed it into her scalp, the scent—Cassian’s scent—drifted toward her, filling the space around her like a hug. She inhaled deeply, something tight in her chest loosening. 

He had no conditioner, so she skipped that step and moved on to wash her body using the bar of soap on the side. She forewent the rag, rubbing the bar between her hands and then rubbing her hands over her skin. She swallowed when thoughts of Cassian using this same bar of soap filtered through her thoughts and shoved them away quickly. 

She rinsed off quickly and shut off the water, grabbing the towel hanging there. She had forgotten to grab a fresh one, if he even had more than one towel, and chose not to think about the fact that Cassian had used this towel before as she squeezed the extra moisture from her hair. She stepped out of the shower and dried off, pulling on the t-shirt and rolling the shorts several times to keep them from falling off her hips. That left them so short that it looked like she was only wearing the t-shirt. 

Hand shaking slightly, she grabbed the brush next to the sink and started the delicate process of combing out unconditioned hair, braiding it down her back once it was detangled. She didn’t have the energy to wind it in her usual braided crown. 

When she was done, she stared at herself, at the hollow look in her eyes and wondered again what she was doing. She should just leave, she repeated to herself, hoping if she said it enough times, she would convince herself to do so. Cassian was a weakness, one she had smartly extricated from her life five years ago, even if doing so had hurt herself more than she cared to admit. 

When she could no longer stand the sight of herself in the mirror, Nesta opened the door and stepped out. It was a matter of three steps to reach the living space and kitchen. Cassian was sitting at his table eating his omelet when he looked up and his fork froze halfway to his mouth. Nesta stood at the entrance to the hallway, unsure what to do now that she had finally left the bathroom. 

After several long moments, Cassian shoved the fork in his mouth, looking away as color bloomed on his cheeks. “There’s coffee in the pot if you want it. And I know you didn’t want the omelet, but I made you some toast and left it by toaster there.”

Nesta glanced over to the toaster to find a small plate with two slices of buttered toast on it. She walked over to the coffee pot in a daze, grabbing the mug Cassian had left next to the pot and pouring herself a cup. Usually she preferred milk and sugar, but today she felt like black was more appropriate, relishing the way the bitter drink made her wince. 

“There’s cream in the fridge and sugar next to the pot,” Cassian said from the table, where he was trying to pretend like he wasn’t watching her every move. Any other time, she might have called him out for it, but the hollowness inside left her without her usual biting retorts. She merely shook her head and walked over to the toast, grabbing the plate and walking silently to the table.

She sat opposite Cassian, but didn’t look at him as she raised a piece of toast to her mouth, gingerly biting off a corner, testing whether she could handle food. When she swallowed and didn’t immediately feel nauseated, she took another bite, washing it down with more of the bitter coffee. 

“I have to get to class, and I have work after that,” Cassian said gently, “but please feel free to stay for as long as you like.” He paused and Nesta looked up at him when he inhaled deeply, as if steeling himself. “I’d love it if you stuck around at least until I get back.” Even though she made no move to object, he rushed on. “It’ll be late, ten at the earliest, but I don’t like the thought of you alone at your apartment.”

“I’ll be alone here,” Nesta said, her first words of the day coming out at a rasp. 

Cassian swallowed. “I know. And I really wish I could be here, but—”

“It’s fine, Cassian,” Nesta said, quietly cutting him off. “You have a life and can’t just stop everything because your ex dropped in unexpectedly.”

“You’re a lot more than my ex, Nesta.”

She looked down at her toast, unwilling to let him see how much those words affected her, warmed her in a way she hadn’t felt in five years. She picked up her toast and took another bite. After a moment, Cassian stood, grabbing his plate and taking it to the sink. 

“Can you promise me you’ll stay?” 

She looked up at him, saw the way he was tensed, as if waiting for her rejection, and nodded. “I’ll stay.”

Even if it was a terrible idea to stay, even if it surely meant they would both be hurt further in the end, she would stay.

~~~~~~~~

For the first time in five years, Cassian wished he had nothing to do, no responsibilities waiting for him. Going to class was a complete waste of time, as he couldn’t stop thinking about Nesta long enough to pay attention to the lectures. The hollow look in her eyes, the way she hadn’t even attempted to fight with him over staying for the day, left him worried. After his first class he sent her a text.

How are you doing?

After he sent it, he wished he hadn’t. How was she doing? Her dad just died, that’s how she was doing. He could only imagine what she was feeling, after so many years of avoiding her father. He wondered what he’d be like when his own father died. The difference, he felt, was he had never held any love for his father. The man was a bastard who had ignored him until Cassian’s mother’s death had forced his hand. Nesta’s father, however, had surely loved Nesta. While Cassian still held on to the resentment he felt towards the man for letting his daughters care for him, he also felt like he understood how devastating losing your soulmate would be.

Cassian had spent five years without Nesta, and while nothing particularly bad had happened in those years, they still felt like the worst years of his life. That was saying something, considering how shitty his own childhood had been. He didn’t even want to think about how it would feel to lose her more permanently. 

His phone, gripped tightly in his hand during his next class, lit up as the silent text alert came through.

I’m fine.

He stared at the words, trying to figure out what tone they were meant to be in. Somehow he suspected they were spoken in the same hollow tone she had spoken in this morning. He wanted to reply but didn’t know what to say. Nothing felt like the best response at this point. 

Cassian was still staring at his phone when commotion around him alerted him to the fact that class was over. He gathered his things before making a phone call to work. He hadn’t taken a day off in five years, so he didn’t feel bad about taking this one off. He told his boss a family emergency had occurred and left it at that. Then he texted Nesta, letting her know he was coming home after his last class. He couldn’t stand the thought of leaving her alone any longer than necessary. 

A couple hours later, he unlocked his door and walked in, eyes immediately going to where Nesta lay on his couch, curled in a fetal position with her hands under her head, staring blankly at the sitcom on the tv screen across from her. She hadn’t answered his text about coming home after class and dread had been building inside him with each passing minute, worried something had happened. He wasn’t exactly relieved to see her lying on the couch with a blank expression, but at least she was safe. 

Cassian set down his bag, tossing his keys onto the side table. “Hey.”

Nesta moved her eyes from the screen to him, but didn’t say anything. He didn’t know what to do, whether to give her space or to go to her, but seeing the hollow look in her eyes, the fetal position she was in, he chose option two. He sat down by her feet and gently tugged on her hand. She didn’t resist, sitting up and allowing him to tuck her into his side. 

Neither spoke as they both stared toward the tv he doubted either of them were paying attention to. He wrapped both arms around her, his thumb brushing against her arm as she melted against him and the rightness of it nearly took his breath away. 

Without stopping to think about whether or not it was a good idea, Cassian repositioned them so that they were both laying on the couch, Nesta’s back against his chest. He pressed his lips gently to her hair, their legs tangled together as he ran his hand down her arm and laced their fingers together. Something in him eased, a tension he had been carrying around since the moment he opened the door the night before. 

He knew he was flirting with danger, with his own sanity, by allowing his guard down around her. When she finally got over the shock of her father’s death, she would almost certainly pull away again, leaving him bereft once more. He knew this, but he also knew she needed him, had come to him because she felt safe around him, and that was worth his sanity. He had known for the past eight years that he would do anything for Nesta, even let her flay open his heart. So he lay there, knowing his time with her was limited, but also knowing it was worth the eventual pain to know he was there for her when she needed him.

He closed his eyes, exhaustion from the previous night’s fitful sleep hitting him, and fell asleep holding Nesta.

~~~~~~

They both slept deeply that night on the couch. Nesta wasn’t sure which of them fell asleep first, but being wrapped in Cassian’s arms, she felt safe for the first time in a long time. Not that she had exactly felt in danger without him in her life, but in Cassian’s arms it felt as if nothing bad could touch her. 

She would have scoffed at her own line of thinking—she didn’t need anyone’s protection—if it hadn’t felt so true, if she hadn’t slept so soundly that she hadn’t moved the entire night. Only when her eyes fluttered open did she realize Cassian had woken up before her, was brushing his fingers up and down her arms, his touch featherlight. She tensed and his fingers stopped. 

“Good morning.”

Nesta forced herself to keep from shivering at the rough morning quality to his voice. As much as she didn’t want to, she forced herself to pull away, to sit up. Cassian’s sigh was quiet enough that she suspected he hadn’t meant for her to hear it. 

What are you doing? she asked herself as she rubbed the sleep from her eyes. Once again she berated herself for her selfishness in seeking out Cassian. She already knew she would have to tell him goodbye again. Nothing had changed. Her father’s death did not erase the fact that his final years had been muddled with the pain of losing his soulmate. 

Behind her, Cassian stood, stretching with a groan that had Nesta’s toes curling involuntarily. “I’m going to take a shower.”

She nodded to let him know she had heard, standing with her back to him. There was a long pause before he padded away and a door closed quietly. 

Nesta looked around. She should leave now, while he was in the shower. 

Her fingers dug into her arms, hugging herself closer as two desires warred within her. She should be smart, should end things now before they both got hurt again. She closed her eyes, jaw clenching against the pain that speared through her at the thought of another five years passing before she saw Cassian again. 

She couldn’t be this selfish though. She had to leave. It wasn’t fair to him, or to herself. Her desire hadn’t changed. She would never allow herself to love a soulmate. It would only end in her ruination one day. 

Nesta ran through all the reasons why leaving was a good idea as she hurried into Cassian’s room, quickly pulling off the clothes she had borrowed the day before and pulling on the jeans and shirt she had arrived in. She headed back into the living room, noting the shower had turned off, and rushed to grab her shoes.

“You’re leaving?”

Nesta closed her eyes, her hands stilling on the laces of her shoes. She heard as Cassian moved closer, and resumed tying her shoes. “I should get back to my apartment. I can’t take another day off work anyway.”

When she could delay it no longer, she stood, avoiding the judgement she knew she’d find in Cassian’s eyes. Before she could take a step, Cassian put his hand on her shoulder. 

“Wait.”

She took a deep breath and then turned back to him. Cassian let his hand drop from her shoulder as she did her damnedest not to stare at the his muscular torso or at the hand currently holding a towel around his waist. 

She crossed her arms, willing herself not to flush at Cassian’s upturned lips. “What.”

“Were you just going to leave and go back to not talking?”

“That was the plan.” 

She forced herself not to look away when hurt flitted across Cassian’s expression.

“We could be friends again,” he said, a note of pleading in his voice. 

Nesta tried to shove away the elation, the hope, but it flared in her chest anyway. “Nothing’s changed,” she said, forcing herself to sound unaffected.

“Is that your way of saying you still love me then?” Cassian said with a smirk. When she merely stared at him, Cassian blew out a breath and looked away. She was considering turning back to the door when he looked back. “I know nothing’s changed, and I don’t think it ever will, but I don’t see why that means we can’t be friends.” When she opened her mouth to explain exactly why, he hurried on. “We can have all the same rules. No spending time alone in private, no touching or kissing. We can stay just friends. Plenty of people love their friends.”

She didn’t bother to point out that there was a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone as she stared him down. The hope she was trying so hard to shove down expanded further. This was a monumentally stupid idea, and yet…

The loss of her father, the reminder that she’d abandoned her sisters and had no close friends, her friendships with Gwyn and Emerie still too new, made it too easy for her to want this. Made it too easy to brush aside all the reasons why this would never work, would only hurt them further down the line when the soulmate bond made it unbearable for them to remain just friends. 

And yet.

“Fine.” Her voice sounded brittle to her ears, replicating how she felt in her soul. 

Cassian blinked a couple times, clearly surprised she had agreed. “Fine?”

She nodded, hugging her arms closer. “Yes. We can be friends again.”

Cassian’s eyes dropped to her lips and her mouth went dry. His expression tightened as he looked back up. “I’ll text you later then?”

She nodded. “Fine.” Wincing at her tone, she added, “I’ll talk to you later then.”

She grabbed her bag and walked out of the room before she could act on the strong urge to kiss her soulmate.

[crankycalcifer]

What is good therapy? (part 2/?)

Therapy should be more than worksheets and "homework" assignments.

Sometimes, high quality therapy involves exploring and practicing a particular skill or set of skills (like coping strategies or new ways of communicating). This is good. We have lots of research that shows that changes in behaviors can positively impact emotional experiences, physical health, relational satisfaction, etc. However, changes in behavior are not a panacea; there are real limitations to what changing behavior can accomplish.

For example, many of my clients have childhood histories of trauma. These usually involve their parents/primary caregivers and they usually have lasting and far-reaching impacts on how they form and keep relationships (attachment style, level of physiological arousal in stressful situations, beliefs about self-worth, etc.). Changing behaviors, like increasing self-advocacy, is good. It could even help someone to feel like they are the kind of person that is worth self-advocating for. They might even be surprised at changes they see in others as a result of their changed behavior. However, this is rarely sufficient to create new beliefs about oneself or about how relationships work.

Often folks need a combination of new information/psychoeducation, changes in their behavior, and new experiences to help activate their emotional selves.

For example, I often assign my clients a thought project or behavioral experiment in between sessions. Sometimes I ask them to do something that I am pretty sure they are not going to do (e.g. "I want you to consider buying yourself something from the store that you really love, not because you need it or it has a practical function, but because it brings you some amount of joy and bring it in next week). We talk about how they are not going to do it and I give them permission not do it. I assure them that if they don't do it, I will not be mad and it will not change the way I feel towards them or interact with them. They usually come back the next session and want to avoid talking about it, because they didn't do it. When I ask them about it, they get uncomfortable and don't know how to respond. They feel bad, maybe even guilty. In the therapy relationship, I am often seen as the authority figure and they have let the authority figure down. Am I going to get mad? Am I going to apply more pressure? Will this harm the relationship in some way? All kinds of past relationship patterns can suddenly rush to the surface and start to clamor for attention or rush in to protect some vulnerable emotional part of the client. I see this happen and use my role as the therapist to provide a different experience. I channel a nurturing energy and remind them that their value as a person is not found in their productivity, that I am not mad in the slightest, that I completely understand that they may not have had the information or skills they needed to complete this task. I am warm, compassionate, kind. I demonstrate with my body language, my word choice, my level of attentiveness that our relationship is safe and that they are allowed to say no to things or not complete things without fear of punishment. Sometimes client's get angry with me, an experience that I welcome. I often apologize, ask for more information, take responsibility for what I did or didn't do and model holding myself accountable.

Therapy is at its most powerful when the therapist and client have a genuine relationship. For this relationship to be genuine, you need more than worksheets and behavior modification. You need care and the ability to take risks in ways that are safe.