#SAUSAGES SCREAM WHEN YOU COOK THEM

[the-boof]

CHAT I JUST FOUND OUT SAUSAGES APPARENTLY SCREAM WHEN YOU COOK THEM

I’d feel bad for bacon if it had nerves

Or just about any food

And what if their nerves were accompanied by the ability to scream

[ducksido]

Aussie! Yuu

General Reactions

Grim:

“What do ya mean ya wrestled a kangaroo once?! What kinda wild place did ya come from?!”

Absolutely horrified when Yuu casually picks up a spider and yeets it outside like it’s nothing.

The NRC Student Body:

Confused but entertained by Yuu’s constant use of Aussie slang.

“Oi, mate, pass me that potion.” Mate? Are we friends now?

Slowly start copying Yuu’s lingo without realizing it. Azul starts saying "no worries" and doesn’t know why.

Crowley:

Keeps trying to get Yuu to "tame" magical creatures because he assumes all Australians are Steve Irwin.

Yuu: “I ain’t wrangling a fucking chimera, mate.”

Crowley: disappointed bird noises

Individual Reactions

Riddle:

Appalled at how informal Yuu is. "You called me what?! A 'legend'?! I—w-well, I suppose that’s acceptable..."

Dies inside when Yuu calls Trey "Trey-o" and Cater "Caito".

Absolutely loses it when Yuu casually drinks boiling hot tea without flinching.

Leona:

“So you’re from a place where the sun tries to kill you?”

“...Respect.”

Starts calling Yuu “Roo” just to mess with them.

Intrigued when Yuu tells him that Australians just don’t show fear when faced with dangerous animals because it makes them more aggressive.

Azul:

Horrified when Yuu tells him about box Steve Irwin and the dangerous sea creatures

“And you swim with these?!”

Yuu: “Yeah, nah, you just don’t step on ‘em.”

Azul, who has spent his whole life in the ocean: distressed octopus noises

Floyd & Jade:

Floyd thinks Yuu is the funniest thing he’s ever met. "A shrimp that fights back?! Hahaha!"

Jade is actually really interested in Yuu’s survival skills. "You regularly handle venomous snakes?"

Yuu: "Yeah, ya just grab ‘em behind the head like this—"

Everyone: SCREAMING

Kalim:

Loves the slang. Thinks "G'day" is the greatest greeting of all time.

“What’s a sausage sizzle? That sounds amazing!”

Will absolutely try Vegemite and pretend to like it even if it nearly kills him.

Jamil:

Watches Yuu eat absurdly spicy food and just nods in understanding.

“I see. You are immune to pain.”

HATES Yuu's bugs

Vil:

Disgusted when he hears Yuu doesn’t wear shoes outside sometimes.

“Your skincare routine is what? You just use aloe vera straight from the plant? I—well, actually, that’s not terrible…”

Reluctantly approves of some Australian remedies.

Epel:

Loves that Yuu swears like a sailor. Finally, someone who talks like him!

“Wait, so callin’ someone a ‘sick cunt’ is a good thing?!”

Adopts Aussie insults immediately. Rook is both fascinated and terrified.

Rook:

Enthralled. “Oho, mon chasseur, you live in a land where nature itself is your greatest foe! Magnifique!”

Thinks drop bears are real because Yuu refuses to tell him otherwise.

Constantly calls Yuu "mon kangourou bondissant" (my bouncing kangaroo).

Idia:

“Australia sounds like a survival horror game.”

“Wait, you just accept that there are huge spiders everywhere? You co-exist with them???”

Never setting foot in Australia, ever.

Ortho:

“Big brother, did you know that in Australia, magpies attack people during breeding season?”

Idia: logs off

Malleus:

LOVES hearing about Dreamtime stories and Aboriginal legends.

Yuu tells him about bunyips and he’s instantly obsessed.

“So, your homeland is filled with creatures that lurk in the dark and attack the unaware? …How delightful.”

Lilia:

“You eat what? Kangaroo meat? Crocodile? How fascinating!”

Probably asks Yuu to cook for him, assuming Australians have insane cooking skills due to their ability to survive in such a dangerous place.

Yuu: “Nah, mate, I just chuck a snag on the barbie.”

Sebek:

Thinks Yuu is insane for casually swearing at dangerous animals.

“HUMANS SHOULD FEAR SUCH BEASTS!”

Yuu: kicks a huntsman spider off the wall with zero reaction

Sebek: stunned silence

Ace:

“Wait, so you’re telling me that in Australia, if you see a random dog, it might actually be a dingo?”

Laughs his ass off when Yuu calls Riddle "Ridz" and gets collared instantly.

Constantly tries to get Yuu to teach him Aussie slang. “So if I call someone a ‘drongo,’ that’s an insult, right?”

Tries Vegemite the wrong way (straight from the jar with a spoon) and nearly dies.

Deuce:

Shocked at how casually Yuu talks about deadly animals.

“Wait, so you just had spiders the size of my hand in your house? And you just left them alone?!”

Starts calling Ace a "bloody galah" without realizing it’s an insult.

Lowkey impressed that Yuu knows how to throw a proper punch. If they ever get into a fight, he backs them up 100%.

Cater:

Obsessed with the slang. Uses it wrong constantly.

“Oi, mate! Let’s hit up Sam’s for some snags, yeah? No wuckas!”

“Cater, what the actual hell did you just say?”

Loves that Yuu calls him "Caito." Absolutely adopts the nickname.

Takes a Magicam pic of himself drinking tea while wearing a cork hat. #OutbackAesthetic

Trey:

Concerned about Yuu’s diet.

“So you regularly eat crocodile?”

Yuu: “Yeah, tastes like chicken.”

Accepts the challenge of making a proper Aussie meat pie and succeeds. Yuu is forever loyal to him now.

Tries a Tim Tam Slam and nearly ascends to another plane of existence.

Ruggie:

“Wait, so you had to fight ibises for your food growing up?”

Deep respect unlocked.

Also loves that Yuu can survive on cheap food like two-minute noodles. “You get it, dude.”

Learns about the Great Emu War and refuses to believe Yuu is telling the truth.

Starts calling Leona "King Ding-a-ling" just because Yuu does.

Jack:

Is the only one who isn’t fazed when Yuu talks about fighting wild animals.

“So you just learned how to handle snakes as a kid? Yeah, that checks out.”

Secretly loves it when Yuu calls him "Jacko."

Takes Yuu seriously when they warn him about magpies. “I’ll keep an eye out.”

Puts his hood up for the first time ever when Yuu says, “If you hear a loud swooping sound, run.”

Silver:

Falls asleep standing up outside. Gets woken up by Yuu yelling, “BRO, YOU’RE GONNA GET SWOOPED.”

Yuu fully believes Silver is part koala because he sleeps anywhere and is unbothered by loud noises.

“You remind me of a bloke I knew back home. He fell asleep in a tree once.”

Thinks it’s cool that Yuu knows survival skills but gets worried when they mention how often Australians just deal with dangerous animals.

Professor Crewel:

Hears about how Yuu has picked up snakes before and immediately gives them a 45-minute lecture on safety.

“You cannot just grab a snake by the head, Prefect!”

Absolutely bans Yuu from bringing any Australian creatures into his classroom.

Secretly approves of their blunt attitude. If they weren’t so chaotic, they’d be a model student.

Professor Trein:

“Wait, you refer to your teachers by their first names in some schools?”

Horrified at Yuu’s casual disrespect of authority figures.

Starts carrying a spray bottle because Yuu keeps swearing in class.

Lucius actually likes Yuu because they instinctively respect him like an Aussie street cat.

Sam:

“Ooooh, I like your vibe, little kangaroo~”

Absolutely starts selling Aussie snacks when he realizes how much Yuu misses them.

“I got some Tim Tams, some Milo, and even some fairy bread for ya~”

Yuu nearly cries tears of joy.

Sells Vegemite to unsuspecting students with no warning. Capitalism wins.

Event Characters

Neige:

Thinks Yuu’s accent is the cutest thing ever.

“Oh wow! You sound so cool when you say ‘G’day!’”

Accidentally eats Vegemite by the spoonful because Yuu forgot to warn him. Regrets it instantly.

Chenya:

Thinks Yuu’s chaotic energy is incredible.

“Wait, so your homeland is just one big Wonderland?”

Steals their hat if they ever wear one. "You don’t need this, right?"

Rollo:

Immediately assumes Yuu is more of a menace than the NRC students.

“What do you mean you used to surf in waters filled with sharks?”

His soul leaves his body when Yuu talks about deadly animals with zero concern.

“Surely you exaggerate.”

Yuu: shows a picture of a huntsman spider

Rollo: praying in French

Meleanor & Lilia (when younger):

Meleanor thinks Yuu is the funniest human she’s ever met. "You do what with a shoe?!"

Lilia, even at a young age, respects the chaos.

“So, you just... coexist with nature trying to kill you?”

Yuu: “Yeah, mate. You just don’t show fear.”

Meleanor: “I like this one.”

Other Random Aussie Moments

Yuu introduces everyone to Tim Tams. The entire school becomes addicted.

Someone asks Yuu what’s the most dangerous animal in Australia. Yuu: “The emus.”

Yuu doesn’t flinch when something big crashes outside. NRC students: “Aren’t you going to check?” Yuu: “Eh, probably just a possum.”

Introduces Vegemite to everyone. The reactions range from horrified (Azul) to pretending to enjoy it (Kalim) to “this is fine” (Leona).

Tries to teach everyone how to do a shoey. Vil bans it immediately.

Gets into a fistfight with a goose during a visit to Noble Bell College.

More Random Aussie Moments

Yuu kicks off their shoes and Trein looks personally offended.

They call the cafeteria the ‘tuck shop’ and confuse everyone.

Someone asks Yuu for an energy drink recommendation. Yuu: “Yeah, nah, get a Monster. Maybe a Red Bull if you wanna fight God.”

Rook asks Yuu to track something. Yuu: sniffs air “Yeah, mate, I can track that.” (Has no idea what they’re doing but commits anyway.)

During an event in a desert-like location, Yuu just goes full Aussie survival mode. They thrive while everyone else struggles.

Someone calls Yuu soft. Yuu: "Mate, I survived living in a country where even the plants can kill ya."

They try to ride a broom and end up treating it like a surfboard.

[kanyerealdaughter]

— ★ BLLK BOYS IN THE MOTHERLAND

characters - rin , isagi , ryusei , bachira , ryusei , reo , nagi , barou , chigiri , kunigami , gagamaru , zantetsu , hiroi , nanase. | pt II here! | all around the world event! |

—————————————————————————

RIN ITOSHI - acts aloof, but he’s low-key fascinated by the rawness of africa the landscapes, the survivalist mentality, the street football culture.

safari reaction - tries to act unimpressed until a cheetah sprints past the jeep. he flinches. “…fast.”

food experience - picks at things cautiously, he ends up liking bunny chow or piri-piri chicken. pretends it’s no big deal.

cultural experience - studies traditional football drills and techniques with silent interest. “ they play for survival. that’s real ego.” *cornball anywayss*

—————————————————————————

ISAGI YOICHI - is wide-eyed and deeply respectful. from the moment he steps foot in africa, he’s taking everything in the vibrant colors, the open landscapes, the rhythm of the cities.

safari reaction - “ this… this is like nothing i’ve ever seen.” he’s awestruck seeing elephants and lions up close, taking mental notes like he’s analyzing a match.

food experience - tries everything at once. surprised by how much he enjoys dishes like jollof rice or nyama choma. “ it’s spicy… but it works!” great now he’s on the toilet fighting for his life.!

cultural experience - joins in local soccer games and plays barefoot with village kids, totally immersed. “ they have insane spatial awareness.” *he gets cooked by them and gets embarrassed*

—————————————————————————

RYUSEI SHIDOU - is way too excited. africa’s wild energy feeds right into his chaos, it’s a miracle he’s not arrested for trying to fight a lion or hijack a rhino.

safari reaction - tries to jump off the jeep. “ yo, i’m gonna wrestle that zebra!!” *everyone yells at him.*

food experience - munches down chakalaka and hot peppers like it’s candy. “ SPICY = SEXY. GIVE ME MORE.” “ this is so sex.” he grumbles crumbs all over his face.

cultural experience - joins a tribal dance, shirtless and screaming. plays football like he’s in a warzone. “ this is where real strikers are born!” he never wants to leave.

—————————————————————————

BACHIRA MEGURU - is in his element. everything excites him the music, the wildlife, the art. he’s got a camera, a drum, and he’s trying to ride a zebra *which fails*

safari reaction - “ DO YOU SEE THAT GIRAFFE?! I’M NAMING HIM KEVIN!!”

food experience - tries everything, from mopane worms to grilled meat. “ my tongue’s dancing like i scored a goal!”

cultural experience - joins a drum circle, dances with locals, and plays pick-up street soccer barefoot with painted face. he even dance with the locals.

—————————————————————————

REO MIKAGE - treats the trip like a personal branding adventure. he’s vlogging, dressing chic even in the savanna, and soaking in cultural capital.

safari reaction - “ this is giving national geographic realness.” he wants pictures with every animal. every. animal.

food experience - “ i want to invest in this spice blend!” eats with elegance. might try to recreate african fusion dishes later.

cultural experience - genuinely intrigued by african football infrastructure. “ what if i funded a youth team here…?”

—————————————————————————

SEISHIRO NAGI - is jetlagged and overwhelmed. too hot. too much walking. but he warms up… slowly.

safari reaction - “ can’t we watch this on TV…?” but then he sees a lion roar and goes, “ okay… that was kinda cool.”

food experience - “ too much effort to chew.” ends up loving boerewors sausage. “ tastes better when you don’t have to make it.”

cultural experience - gets dragged into a dance circle by bachira. he doesn’t resist too hard. “ meh… not bad.”

—————————————————————————

BAROU SHOEI - barou shoei feels like he belongs in africa king of the wild, king of the field. he gets way too into it. barou lands in africa thinking he’s going to dominate street football and flex his muscles in lion territory. what he doesn’t expect? becoming ridiculously popular with the locals especially the aunties and girls who instantly clock his sculpted jawline, muscles, and long, dark hair.

safari reaction - “ if i was a lion, i’d be the one with the blackest mane.” he strikes power poses in front of lions.

food experience - devours grilled meat like a beast. “ this is food. not that weak stuff japan serves.”

one of the local chefs calls him “ lion king” and he may or may not blushed a little. “ tch whatever.”

cultural experience: during a community football event, barou absolutely dominates the fields. his physical presence make him the star attraction but then… the braiding begin.

a group of local women notices his long hair.

“ so beautiful!”

“ come here, handsome, let me braid it for you.”

“ he looks like a prince!”

“ i’m not some damn doll—!” but he’s already sitting on a chair while three women expertly work his hair into neat, traditional braids, humming and chatting.

the kids gather around to admire the “braided lion.” someone hands him a mirror cornrows going to the back. he stares at his reflection… and doesn’t hate it.

“…looks powerful.” he mutters.

*yes baoru is my favorite*

—————————————————————————

KUNIGAMI RENSUKE - feels like he’s on a hero’s pilgrimage. africa reminds him of survival, strength, and grit things he deeply respects.

safari reaction - introspective, arms crossed, staring out across the plains. “ these animals… they fight every day to live. kinda like us.”

food experience - respectfully asks what’s in everything before eating. like ugali and grilled meats.

cultural experience - volunteers to help with a kids’ soccer clinic. bonds with young players. “ they have real passion.. that’s what matters.”

—————————————————————————

CHIGIRI HYOMA - is moved by the natural beauty and the athleticism of local runners and footballers. he’s respectful, thoughtful, and graceful.

safari reaction - silently mesmerized by a herd of elephants. takes elegant pictures of everything well and him of course.

food experience - likes spicy food more than expected. “ it’s got a nice kick — like a good sprint.” might be a lil too spicy then he thought his face turned red almost like his hair color.

cultural experience - gets inspired watching young athletes sprint barefoot. “ i can learn something from this.” once he got mistaken for a young girl. ruined his mood for the whole day.

—————————————————————————

GAGAMARU GIN - dream vacation. he’s into animals, weird bugs, and eating food out of banana leaves. probably disappears into the jungle at one point.

safari reaction - leaps out of the jeep to track a meerkat. comes back with a snake around his neck. “ i named it steve.” *everyone freaks out* that he jumped out and came back with a snake.

food experience - will eat anything. “ is that antelope stew? cool.” he eats half the table’s food too.

cultural experience - gets into a deep conversation with a local shaman. plays barefoot and headbutts the ball like a wild man, but he’s living his dream life.

—————————————————————————

ZANTETSU TSURUGI - is constantly misunderstanding everything. he’s fascinated, but also lost 90% of the time.

safari reaction - “ that’s a jaguar, right?” *it’s a leopard* “ wha– they’re different animals??”

food experience - tries to act cultured but mixes up the dishes. “ this… uh… spicy pie thing? tastes like winning.” *it’s not a pie*

cultural experience - challenges local sprinters to a race. loses to a barefoot 10-year-old. “ i underestimated them…”

—————————————————————————

HIROI YO - is calm and introspective. africa’s warmth and nature connect with his thoughtful side. he’s journaling everything, taking photos of sunrises.

safari reaction - captures pictures of animals with quiet reverence. “ it’s so peaceful here.”

food experience - likes rich, warm dishes like peanut stew. “ it reminds me of comfort food, just different.”

cultural experience - helps organize a local youth match. watches the kids laugh and play. “ maybe football isn’t about ego all the time.”

—————————————————————————

NANASE NIJIRO - sunlight catches in his hair, and when he sees you looking, he grins like you hung the sky yourself. he is careful with this place, but he can’t help being curious and wide-eyed.

safari experience - gasps loudly, when a giraffe gets close and nearly drops his camera, asks you a thousand questions about every animal. *like you know everything*

“ the sunset feels like a dream.. and i don’t want to wake up.”

food experience - he literally tried everything once and goes back for more. declares grilled meat his favorite but steals your mango anyway. his eyes light up at every new flavor like it’s a goal scored.

cultural experience - he claps along to the drums, before he even knows the rhythm, he tries dancing and laughs at himself when he trips. listens to local stories, with quiet awe and calls them beautiful.

𖣂 KANYEREALDAUGHTER SPEAKS - if you see soccer no you don’t … it’s soccer to me💔💔 the caribbean is next!

words - 1.3k

» , ᴀ ᴋᴀɴʏᴇʀᴇᴀʟᴅᴀᴜɢʜᴛᴇʀ

copyright ©️. ᴘʀᴏᴅᴜᴄᴛɪᴏɴ . «

[brattypagansub]

A by no means exhaustive list of the times 141 didn’t understand meal construction

Soap calling dinner a bowl of sausage links

Simon with instant noodles at two am because he misses Johnny and couldn’t sleep (Soap was on an op and turned him onto the three minute ‘meal’)

Price eating an MRE because he’s too tired and lazy to cook something

Gaz eating a handful of snacks and calling it Gucci

Soap eating cheese at three am by fridge light because hyper focus

Alex Keller eating nothing but the homemade ribs in the fridge.

Simon deciding that a protein bar definitely counts as dinner

You know the saying ‘let them eat cake?’ Soap took that to heart and had three slices for breakfast last Wednesday

Every single one of them eats a piece of loaf bread as a meal

Price eating ravioli out of the can

They eat an apple for lunch sometimes but more often than not. Its used by Gaz or Soap to yeet at Simon and Price’s heads when they make them mad

Microwave Mac and cheese is apparently a go to meal for all of them

Now if you’ll excuse Laswell she needs to go scream into the void

[silverlullabies]

Harry Potter and the Coalition of Chaos (1)

Simon “Ghost” Riley remembers dying.

The bullet from Shepherd. The fire. The agony. The soul deep grief of failing Roach.

And then… a crib? A onesie?? A rattle???

What.

Or, in which ten elite special ops soldiers die, but wind up waking up as babies with the memories of their previous lives intact. And what the hell do you mean magic is real??

Or, in which:

- Puberty, Round Two: Electric Boogaloo

- A generous interpretation of “school rules”

- The Hogwarts staff reevaluating their careers, their life decisions, and whether mass resignation is a valid magical defense.

- The author wondering what Harry Potter would look like if it had anyone with an ounce of common sense

Featuring tactical cuddle piles, wand enhanced violence, emotional damage, weaponized childhood trauma, strategic snacks, and a Divination room that’s been converted into a legally gray war bunker.

Aka the Call of Duty/Harry Potter crossover crackfic nobody asked for but the author had fun writing anyway.

There was no glory in this death.

No last stand. No honorable sacrifice.

Just a blinding flash of pain, a lot of shouting, and then-

Crying.

A lot of crying.

Not from them, of course.

They were professionals.

They didn’t cry.

…Except maybe now they did.

***

Simon Riley opened his eyes to a light so offensively bright it felt like God had slapped him in the face with a flashlight and a grudge. His head lolled to the side with all the structural integrity of a half-cooked noodle. Alarm bells rang in his skull. His neck wasn’t working. His arms were flopping like overcooked sausages. His legs twitched with the violent impotence of a man used to drop kicking doors and now reduced to gently flailing in place like an angry rainbow trout.

No tactical control. No muscle memory. Not unless you counted the phantom echo of breaching a room with a flashbang, which had apparently been overwritten by the horrifying new experience of peeing himself mid-scream.

He was in a cot.

A cot.

Covered in pastel blankets. Wearing a onesie with a duck on it.

And someone-some deranged, cheerful someone-was cooing at him.

“There’s our little man, aren’t you strong!”

Strong?

STRONG??

He had killed men in the dark with nothing but a knife and poor impulse control. He had survived torture, betrayal, and a complete psychological collapse in a bathtub at 3am with only whiskey and spite to keep him company.

And now he was being called a “little man” by a man who thought peekaboo counted as a tactical maneuver.

Simon Riley, formerly known as Ghost, elite Tier One operator and human embodiment of ‘do not perceive me’, let out a shriek that could only be described as a multi-layered symphony of pure, unfiltered rage, the kind of existential horror you feel when you accidentally open your front camera, and a shrill, desperate “WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK” in B-flat.

From somewhere in the distance-possibly the kitchen, possibly hell- his new “mum” laughed.

“He’s so vocal!”

Vocal?

He was screaming for his life.

He tried to yell “WHERE THE BLOODY HELL AM I,” but what emerged from his mouth was “WaaAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!”

Which only confirmed it.

He wasn’t hallucinating. He wasn’t in a coma. He wasn’t being tortured in some weird MK-Ultra sleep regression chamber.

He was a baby.

A small, soft, baby.

In a duck-covered onesie.

Who had just pissed himself and couldn’t lift his own head.

“Christ,” he thought furiously, eyes wide with horror, “this is it. This is hell. This is divine punishment. This is purgatory, but with rattles.”

He flailed again. Useless. Tiny fists batting the air like a malfunctioning Roomba. He wanted a gun. He got a pacifier. He tried to sit up. He rolled. His body squeaked.

Unacceptable.

“Babies,” he thought, unblinking, “aren’t stupid. They’re just trapped.”

He stared at the fuzzy mobile above his crib, the soft tune of Twinkle Twinkle playing like a funeral dirge for his dignity. The spinning sheep mocked him. The pastel clouds laughed. One of the plush stars looked suspiciously judgmental.

“They remember,” he thought darkly. “They remember dying. They remember taxes. They remember the mission that went wrong in Kazakhstan. They remember crying, not because they’re helpless, but because they know they were once gods.”

And now?

Now he couldn’t even hold up his own fucking head.

But the worst part- the absolute cherry on this cursed sundae-

He was alone.

No comms. No backup. No squad. No Laswell barking orders. No Soap mouthing off. No Price.

Just him, his existential spiral, and a stuffed giraffe with dead eyes.

And so, Simon Riley-operator, monster, myth- lay back in his duck-patterned prison and let out a howl that shook the nursery.

Continue on my AO3

[roccoparondi]

One of Those Nights (Sonny Corleone x Reader)

Summary: You’re Sonny and Sandra’s go-to babysitter, and when Sandra’s out of town for the weekend, Sonny needs all the help he can get.

Note: College-aged female reader, but no other descriptors are used. I listened to Donna Summer while writing this lol. Anyway, my first Godfather reader-insert fic! Do not interact if you're under 18, a terf or radfem, or post thinspo/ED content.

Word count: 1.8k

Warnings: Implied age gap, power imbalance, cheating. Sexually explicit content involving unprotected sex and Sonny's canonically huge cock. A little bit of praise kink. Do not interact if you're under 18.

Your eyes fluttered open from your half-asleep stupor at the sound of the front door’s locks clicking. Sitting up on the couch, you quickly smoothed out your blouse and skirt. You just barely made it into the kitchen when Sonny got in.

“Sorry I’m back so late. I wanted to be home to put the kids to bed—“

You shook your head, smiling. “It’s fine, Mr. Corleone. Frank and the twins are already asleep. There’s some sausage with peppers and onions in the icebox if you haven’t eaten. I can heat it up quick on the stove for you.”

“Jesus, you’re already doin’ us a favor staying the weekend while Sandra’s outta town,” he said, shedding his tie and undoing the first few buttons of his shirt. “And how many times do I gotta tell you, you can call me Sonny.” He playfully pinched your cheek. “I’m not that old yet, am I?”

“No,” you giggled. “Sorry, Sonny.”

The kitchen's layout was almost second-nature to you at that point, having done plenty of cooking for Sonny and Sandra's sweet kids when you babysat them. You grabbed a frying pan, setting it on the stovetop and pouring in a few drops of olive oil before turning on the flame. By the time you got the plate you saved for Sonny out of the refrigerator, the oil was sizzling, and the scent of sweet peppers and onions filled the kitchen again when you’d scraped the contents of the plate into the pan. 

Sonny was quiet behind you, save for him tapping his freshly lit cigarette against the porcelain ashtray on the kitchen table. You knew the sound well. His gaze burned through your back to your rapidly beating heart as you became increasingly aware that you were alone with him, the man who you lusted after in quiet guilt, because he was married and you were his children’s babysitter, for Christsake. 

After a few minutes, the sausage with peppers and onions appeared thoroughly reheated, and you transferred the meal back onto the plate. You grabbed a nearby loaf of crusty bread, cutting a piece for him and placing it with the rest of the food.

“Thanks, sweetheart,” Sonny said, grabbing the plate from the counter.

“Anytime.”

You returned to the living room, tuning the radio to the station that was broadcasting Lights Out, a late night horror show that always sucked you in no matter how hard you tried to remind yourself it was only a radio story. At least it’d get your mind off of Sonny, out of the gutter–or into a different one at least. You sat on the couch, fidgeting with your hands as you let yourself get lost in the host’s voice as he told the latest tale of terror.

You nearly screamed when Sonny appeared in the living room with his plate of food and asked, “You listen to this garbage?”

“It usually scares me into staying awake.”

He snickered to himself, taking the spot on the couch next to you. “For what?”

“My roommates and I play it in the dorm during finals to keep us up when coffee doesn’t cut it.”

“How’s college goin’ anyway? Straight As, right?”

“I made the dean’s list last semester.”

He shook his head. “Smart and beautiful, whatever lucky guy ends up with you is gonna have his hands full.” He glanced at your chest, his eyes lingering on your breasts for a moment before going back to his food. “Your cooking might be a little better than San’s. Don’t tell her I said that.”

You smiled, keening at his compliment. “Your secret’s safe with me.”

“You didn’t have to stay up for me, you know.”

“I know, but I wanted to.”

“Why’s that?”

You faltered. “I just wanted to see you.”

He smiled, amused by your answer. “You’re sweet. Gonna give me a toothache if you keep that up.”

“Is that so bad?”

Sonny shook his head as he set his plate down on the coffee table. “‘Course not.” He got up to turn the radio off, the sound of his voice engulfing you in a warm haze, “Don’t get a chance to be alone with you enough.” He placed his hand on your knee when he sat back down, rubbing his thumb against your stocking-clad leg, the feeling frustratingly electric as the thin fabric was all that lay between the skin-on-skin contact you craved from him.

Your lips parted, trying to conjure up a response, but only managing a shaky breath and a weak nod of agreement. 

“We don’t gotta do anything you don’t wanna do, doll,” he whispered, his voice low.

“I want you, Sonny,” you assured him. 

He kissed you with a passion you swore only existed in movies, not the hesitant or sloppy handling you’d experienced from past boyfriends, but the certainty of a man who knew exactly what he wanted. Heat rushed over your skin at the confirmation that he wanted you, his hands on your body, sliding up your skirt as he grabbed your ass, pulling you closer to him so that you were practically straddling his lap. You steadied yourself on his biceps, giving them a squeeze, letting yourself feel him, acknowledge your desire for him that had been latent until then.

You moaned into his mouth, his tongue capturing the sound, claiming your expression of desire as his. And who else would it be for? You’d always found him handsome and charismatic, always were a bit too curious about what was behind each vaguely flirtatious comment or sly wink he’d send your way when no one else was looking. 

“Sonny, where–where should we–”

“We can do it out here, but you gotta be quiet. You can do that for me, right?”

You nodded eagerly.

Hunger glistened in his dark eyes as he smiled wolfishly. “Attagirl.”

A whimper escaped your lips at his praise, the way he made you feel naked with just his gaze. You unbuttoned your blouse, letting it slip from your arms and tossing it aside onto the floor. Sonny pulled you onto his lap, burying his face in the crook of your neck while he kneaded your breasts through your bra. Soon, that wasn’t enough, and he pulled them from the cups, his hands on your soft skin as he squeezed. His thumbs brushed over your nipples. You gasped. You wanted his hands on you like that all the time, had imagined–secretly hoped, even–that he’d do it one day while you were in the kitchen or in the narrow hallway to the bedrooms, that he’d grope you, kiss you, do something to make you stop feeling so crazy about him. In that moment you realized getting what you wished for only made you want him more.

His lips burned deliciously against your skin, and you groaned at the gentle bites he left on your neck and shoulders. You rocked your hips against his, feeling his hard cock straining through his pants, desperate for more friction against your pussy. 

“You feel that? You feel what you do to me?” he murmured against your tender skin.

“I need you,” you whined. “Please, Sonny.”

“Alright, doll. Lay back for me, alright?”

You did as he asked, shifting off of his lap to lie back on the couch. You watched intently, hungrily, as he unbuckled his belt, pulling his cock free from his pants, slowly pumping his length in his hand. You nearly choked. Sandra had made jokes about Sonny’s size before, ones that made your face heat up in embarrassment at her talking so crudely about him, but you’d always thought she was exaggerating. 

“Oh my god,” you breathed, silently wondering if he could even fit inside you, an almost morbid curiosity only further fueling your desire.

A tender concern spread across his face as he searched yours for any sign of hesitation. “You sure you’re alright with this?”

You nodded. “I’ve wanted you in a bad way for so long.”

“How bad?” he asked, his voice husky and low.

Your lips nearly touched his as you whispered your answer. “Shameful.”

He kissed you again, this time with an intensity that nearly knocked the wind out of you. His fingers dug into the waistband of your panties and stockings, pulling them down so you could kick them off, ending up with one leg hanging off of the couch, exposing your wet pussy for him. You buried your fingers into his hair, the kiss desperate and wanton, your mouth open for him in a soft gasp as his pushed his tip inside you. 

It wasn’t enough, the primal part of your brain screamed. You needed more. Digging your nails into his scalp, you lifted your hips, taking more of him in you.

“Don’t hold back, Sonny. I can take it,” you said.

He licked his lips, staring at you for a split second before determining you meant what you said. He filled you, your pussy clenching around his cock as he thrust into you, finding a rhythm that would’ve been painful if you weren’t already wet for him. 

“Y’know, I used to get off thinkin’ about this,” he grunted, “bending you over the kitchen counter or up against the bathroom door.”

“Sonny–I–”

“You know how long I’ve wanted you? Now I’ve got my pretty college girl coming apart for me.”

“Oh my god–fuck–Sonny–” Your heart was pounding in your ears, eyes struggling to stay open as his thrusts became deeper, more erratic. He was close, his cock twitching inside you, hitting that spot you’d only ever reached with your fingers before. No faking it, no having to do the heavy lifting yourself. 

He had to put his hand over your mouth when it hit you, white hot pleasure bursting in your brain, pulsing through your pussy as you grabbed at him, digging your fingers into his arms to ground yourself, feeling as though you’d lose control of your body otherwise. Your moans were muffled, incoherent nonsense as he fucked you through your climax to reach his. With another hard thrust, he came inside you. Overwhelmed by the sensation, your hips bucked and your pussy clenched hard around him, milking his cock as he came.

“Look at you, takin’ it all–fuck–” Sonny hissed out through gritted teeth, trying to maintain what little self-control he had as to not make too much noise. “So fuckin’ good for me–”

You whined at that, your overstimulated, fucked-out brain going into overdrive. You wanted to be good for him. You were good for him. 

You weren’t sure when it got so still, so quiet, but the only sound in the room was your and Sonny’s heavy breathing. He pulled out of you, your pussy feeling achingly empty. You looked at the ceiling, mildly aware of Sonny staring at you.

“How're you feeling? I didn’t hurt you, did I?” he asked.

“I’ll be lucky if I can walk tomorrow,” you said breathlessly. “But that was great. Really I–I don’t know what else to say.”

He caressed your cheek, bringing your attention back to him. “I’m gonna get you a towel, alright, sweetheart?”

You nodded, smiling a bit when he kissed your forehead before disappearing down the hall to the bathroom. And there were still two whole days left before Sandra got back. You smiled wider.

[kekaki-cupcakes]

Heeey

Hope u're doing well

Please can I request a connor stoll x reader one shot where the mom (the reader) is going out with friends after all the pregnancy period, and it is the first time Connor is taking care of the baby all by himself for the evening

Have a good day

Can't believe that this was the request that brought me out of my writing slump lol. I have so many requests that I'm trying to write for right now and I figured people would rather have a short blurb than nothing at all, so this is only like 0.8k words. Sorry babes, hope you enjoy. Xx

pizza night--- Connor Stoll x reader [parent fic]

»»————-　★　————-««

-First of all Connor would be literally the best dad ever.

-I mean, like, obviously your baby would grow up knowing far too many swear words and probably ties people's shoes together when they're not looking, but no ones actually surprised.

-You would be able to take the cutest photos of your baby asleep on his chest in front of the tv or dancing in the kitchen while dinner cooked [you know when little kids stand on your feet and you hold their hands to dance? He would do that]. 

-He’d also for the first time not steal from a lolly shop when he takes the baby and lets them pick out the lollies from the pick and mix tubs. He’d hold the baby up like Simba at the start of The Lion King. You know the scene. 

-But that’s after the baby stops crying every night and can wear shoes that totally have little wings drawn on them. 

-When you’re laying on the couch eating ice cream with sprinkles and Connor is cleaning up baby vomit or something and your friends start spamming the group chat to get your attention, you’d just ignore it to begin with.

-Who wants to go out when there’s a screaming two week old baby at home and you’ve got cramps absolutely everywhere? To go and talk about babies when you literally never want to explain why you chose the name you did and why the baby is wearing a Lightning McQueen onesie [Cecil].

-But Connor hears the pings of your phone and [after turning it off so as to not wake the baby] he decides that you're going to have a great night out with your friends who would have to promise no baby talk or strenuous exercise. 

-So you’re all dressed up in comfortable clothing and flat shoes [no post pregnant person is walking around in stilettos, and you might be amazing, but you’re not that amazing], ready to go out for a night of gossip and drinks, or pizza and relaxing, depending on your mood, when you realize that this would be the first time Connor is on baby duty without you pottering around the house somewhere or napping. 

-He promises that everything will be fine and if the baby doesn’t go to bed he’ll just call Clovis over. 

-He then had to promise that he will not in fact put a spell on the newborn and will be very responsible and baby you don’t have to worry he’s been watching youtube tutorials on this stuff for eight months and seven days. 

-On a completely unrelated note, you found out you were pregnant about eight months and seven days ago.

-So you’re pushed out the door into your friend's car and Connor realizes he should probably take advantage of the fact the baby is sleeping in the other room to prepare for what would hopefully be an uneventful night.

-He mixes together the milf formula and leaves it in the fridge before ordering pizza. Take out or baked goods that his siblings dropped off while they zoomed around the city going to and from whatever it was they were doing had become the go to for meals since baby duty became the main concern and most food burnt on the stove in minutes. 

-Connor always orders meatlovers, but picks the sausage bits off and puts mushrooms on top. 

-It’s the best.

-Unfortunately babies can’t eat the greatest pizza ever, so after doing the washing and tidying up the utter chaos of your three bedroom house [one for you and Connor, one for your kid, and the spare room for Travis. Connor had one at Travis’s apartment too], ringing the hospital to book in that check up appointment for a few days away, paying the pizza delivery girl, and sitting down for approximately four minutes until the baby began crying, he took the milk out of the fridge and went to the living room. 

-Connor held the baby with one arm, wiping drool off the tiny onesie, and turned on the TV. Luckily for him, your baby loved watching the colors move and make noise. 

-You were adamant about not raising an Ipad KidTM, but he figured Netflix was an exception. 

-He looked down for the baby's reaction when pausing on each movie.

-A bored gurgle at Lightning McQueen [Cecil would riot], a blank stare at Taylor Swift’s new movie, and then a screaming fit when he played the trailer for The Hunger Games [probably not a good idea to begin with] and he moved onto better half of his favorite movies. 

-He pressed play on an all time classic.

-Connor’s child needed to have impeccable taste, or he just might ignore them until they tried to take over the world.

-Too soon?

“Life moves pretty fast, if you don’t stop to look around once in a while, you just might miss it.”

»»————-　★　————-««

[boyslit-moving]

HSR Cooking Headcanons!

found a big document of these i never finished but i think they're fun. doesn't include everyone but a vast majority of Belobog+Luofu characters

Trailblazer - not so great with a stove. Pom-Pom has PTSD flashbacks when they offer to help prepare meals and the Trailblazer is thusly shooed from the premises. they're used to foraging snacks and treasures in the trash anyway

March 7th - ADHD disaster. she can whip up desserts mostly but the kitchen looks like a tornado happened afterwards and she'll rope someone into helping

Dan Heng - this boy grew up in a prison and then spent his adult life on the run from his murderous ex, when did he have time to learn to cook? naw, if he's not on the Express it's takeout and fast food for this poor meow meow

Pom-Pom - the esteemed head chef of the Astral Express. they are the ruler of their kitchen and no recipe is beyond their grasp. you might wonder how they can reach the counters and grip utensils when they are so small and bunny-like but Pom-Pom is very good at what they do, so you don't have to worry at all!

Welt Yang - he's an ok cook, like many dads, but he's got a tendency to lean on parental shortcuts like frozen French fries or chicken nuggets (not that anyone ever complains about this)

Himeko - she's best left to her coffee brewing, let's just put it that way.

Kafka - also a disaster, but she has little interest in cooking for herself. this is also the reason the trailblazer can't cook - she wasn't able to teach them

Silver Wolf - no interest in cooking beyond TV meals or reheating leftovers. takeout, gamer supps and snackies take priority 

Blade - somewhere in his muddied floodwaters of memory there's the capability to cook, but it comes and goes and the pain in his hands make it difficult to grip utensils and other implements with the fine motor movements required to chop and whisk and flip. He used to cook for his husband occasionally despite Dan Feng having a personal chef as high elder

Gepard - he does his best… things like breakfast eggs, toast, sausage, noodles, these are easy to accomplish. anything too fancy is a step too far. he's really too busy to practice.

Serval - generally competent. she had to learn to feed herself after getting kicked out of the architects and staying on her own. she's adventurous, always trying new flavor combinations and changing recipes for fun

Lynx - a true outdoorswoman, knows how to forage and trap game and cooks a mean stew. it's unconventional fare, though, and not to everyone's sensibilities. 

Pela - a good cook. sticks to the recipes religiously, and very good at baking because of her precision

Natasha - "knows" how to cook but while she's great at the chemistry behind making medicines, food takes a backseat. grin and bear it if she asks you to try something she made, you don't want to make her sad. she tried really hard for you after all.

Hook - isn't allowed to cook without supervision but she makes an enthusiastic sous chef! helps Dad make dinner and sets a lovely table

Seele - abysmal but I can see her being interested in improving in order to cook something nice for Bronya. when asked why she's suddenly interested in learning, however, the lady doth protest too much. you don't question it further though because you don't want her to make you a knuckle sandwich.

Sampo - unfortunately my own biases cloud my judgement here because I love a man that can cook. but Sampo does seem like the sort of guy who operates on comedy law and that's something I am familiar with. option 1: he closes the door to the kitchen and refuses anyone's help. there's an unholy racket, a cloud of black smoke, some coughing, a Wilhelm scream, and then a few bars of whistling. when he emerges, it's with a pristine plate of gorgeously prepared braised meat and carmelized vegetables with delicate garnish. option 2: he puts on a bit of a show. it's like that cooking porn anime, and onlookers find they have to look away periodically or loosen a tie to keep themselves in check. finally, when he lifts the lid over the plate… the censorship committee has ordered it pixelated so it can still air in the same time slot. (both of these scenarios happen within the same week)

Bronya - she's too busy! she's always working or training or sleeping. luckily, Seele is hard at work learning to cook for her wife hard-working friend

Qingque - Maybe instant noodles, maybe the Xianzhou equivalent of box Mac and cheese. Otherwise she's patronizing the food spots in Aurum Alley and getting takeout ordered to her desk so she can be seen working through lunch (she's not actually working tho)

Fu Xuan - she makes a mean pot of tea but she's so busy she has no time to cook. She subscribes to box meals (like Hello Fresh, etc) so she can feel like she's not surviving on takeout and restaurant meals. She definitely has Girl Breakfast and Girl Lunch though (her favorite bubble tea and two cups of extra sugary tea for that afternoon pick-me-up, respectively) which is not great. Watch out for gastritis, sis.

Jing Yuan - he's got dad grilling vibes but I can't see this man seriously cooking. at best there'll be weaponized incompetence before he's shooed out of the kitchen, chuckling. since he's the general however I have to assume he has a personal chef. 

Yanqing - tried to cut vegetables with his swords once and was summarily banned from every kitchen

Jingliu - I'm not even sure she eats anymore. Doesn't she just feed off of ambient malice or something

Luka - Mr. Meat Boy knows his way around a grill and a campfire, but try to sully it with vegetables and you're getting the biggest glare he can muster. A boxer can't live on meat alone, and considering you're nihility path, do we think a vegetable may cause less despair?

Guinaifen - does this girl live somewhere? Like in an apartment or something? She seems to be always out and about, busy streaming or performing or meeting friends to do either of the previous. She probably eats like Qingque does, grabbing something from the Alley whenever her tummy grumbles, but otherwise we are on 👏 the 👏 go !

Topaz - this girl is BUSY busy, she's ordering Grubhubs and Doordashes and having her order from the caf delivered by drone bot while she works through lunch. likes big meetings in the conference rooms though, because there's usually pastries and coffee

Aventurine - much like the other hardworking folks, he ends up with a lot of Space Doordashed lunches and late-work dinners. He attempts recipes from internet videos sometimes, for fun and the love of the trend. He doesn't super know what he's doing but it always turns out marvellously.

Ratio - Few things are outside Dr. Veritas Ratio's wheelhouse, and because a healthy diet is required to maintain a healthy body and mind, he's well versed in cooking techniques and healthy eating. Occasionally will stoop to making something less healthy like french toast to spoil Aventurine with.

Ruan Mei - In my head she's got the 'tism that makes her dislike all but like 2 or 3 textures, and those textures are generally desserts she's learned to make for herself - smooth puddings and pastes, soft dough. I suppose the Lifeform Oven isn't technically cooking, however…

Mme.  Herta - [Automatic Reply] I'm busy. The cafeteria is open for this purpose. [This user cannot be replied to.]

Asta - there's a reason Arlan makes fried rice so well 🙃

[saphira5]

141 x (Platonic) Captain Reader Short - Labor Day celebration

Y/n was enjoying the nice day, the sun was being shielded by clouds. A small breeze blowing every now and then. The breeze is caring the nice smell of barbecue, around the base.  

Y/n was on the roof of the base, cooking some beef and pork ribs. Also 12 chicken legs and plenty of kielbasa sausages. Y/n family loved barbecuing; they couldn't go two weeks without a barbecue. Y/n was about to flip everything when the door behind y/n opened.  

Y/n turns and sees Kyle, y/n smiles at him "hello Kyle, what brings you up here".  

Kyle chuckles and smiles wide at y/n.

"I smelled the barbecue, it smells great", Kyle walks over and looks at the food. Y/n turns it, and then y/n looks at Kyle, "I CANNOT miss barbecuing on Labor Day".  

"I remember, you got in so much trouble for barbecuing on base".  

Y/n laughs "I deal with British people and their tea, at least let me barbecue and drink coffee". Kyle laughs hard, y/n smiles. Then the door opens again, y/n turns and sees the Colonel. Y/n puts the tongs down quickly and tuns and salutes the Colonel, Kyle is still laughing hard.  

The Colonel begins making his way over to y/n. Y/n hits Kyle on the arm, he looks at y/n. He turns with a shocked expression on his face, he salutes the Colonel.  

"AT EASE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING",  

"What do you think, Colonel Norris". 

 Norris stands in front of y/n, "WATCH YOUR MOUTH, CAPTAIN".  

Y/n gets an inch from his face "SAY IT DON'T SPRAY IT, COLONEL".  

The door opens again and out comes the rest of the Task Force 141, Captain Price, Soap and holding up the rear is Ghost. All of them walk to the Colonel, they salute. Norris turns away from y/n and looks at Price, Soap and Ghost. "At ease", each of them puts their hand down. Norris turns back to you, "BABCUE PITS AND OUTISDE FOOD ARE PROHBIITED AT THIS BASE". 

 Norris pokes y/n in the shoulder, y/n grabs his finger roughly. Y/n then gets in his face and screams at the top of your lungs "WHO THE FUCK DIED AND MADE YOU GENERAL".  

Y/n dislocates his finger, the Colonel makes a hurt noise. "What is going on here?", y/n turns and sees the Brigadier General. Everyone salutes him, even Norris, "at ease, everyone".  

Everyone puts their hands down, the Brigadier General walks and stands beside Norris, looking at y/n.  

"I had given y/n permission to Barbecue, it is Labor Day after all". Norris looks at the Brigadier General puzzled, the General looks at Norris with a smile.  

"Labor Day in America is in September. Continue on, y/n", the Brigadier General nods at y/n.  

He then walks back to the door, but before he leaves "come with me Colonel", the Brigadier General turns his head a bit, "save me some", "of course, Brigadier General". Norris walks over to the Brigadier General, the door closes behind them.  

Y/n turns and grabs the tongs, y/n begins flipping the meat, chicken and sausages. Y/n then looks at Kyle, he looks at y/n shocked, "we meet in Afghanistan, I cooked some barbecue for him because it was his birthday. Whenever he sees me, he always asks for some barbecue".  

Y/n then looks at Price, Soap and Ghost. "You are full of surprises".  

Y/n chuckles a bit, y/n walks to the chair near the door. Y/n seats down, Price seats on y/n left, next to him is Soap and then Ghost. Y/n looks at Price "I agree, that is why I always have another surprise up my sleeve". Kyle walks over and seats on y/n right. "It's going to take some time, but it's worth it", y/n looks at the Task Force.

Each smiling at y/n, you would trade anything to stay in this moment.

Post 9/22/23

[cooking-pol-martin]

W.A.P.: Wet Ass Pol

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, you fucking with some wet-ass Pol Bring a bucket and a mop for this wet-ass Pol Give me everything you got for this wet-ass Pol

Let's start at the beginning, way back to when I first watched the series of YouTube videos in which a bunch of streamers recoil, plead, and beg Pol Martin to stop doing unholy shit with a microwave. Later, after the eye-bleeding stopped, my family and I would discuss both what was the most horrific recipe, and what the funniest response to said horror was. I was always partial to "What's he going to do with that banana??" Now, after making "Sausage and Bean Cheese Casserole," the quote "It's not enough! That's not done!", as screamed by WayneRadioTV, is rapidly rocketing up to my favorite.

Before I put the knives in, I want to say some good things about Pol Martin, and also semi-justify my choice of this recipe, which is not auspicious sounding in the least. The good thing: this recipe is part of a section of Easy Cooking for Today, vol 2 called "Rush Hour Cooking." One of the things I appreciate about Pol's cookbooks is how accommodating they are for the reader's time and budget. We don't always have the time or money to mess around with slow food*, and I dig that he devotes whole sections of his cookbooks to weekday meals.

While Noam Chomsky once famously declared that a native speaker of a language cannot make a grammar mistake -- something I think is true, especially when talking about dialects like BEV that get maligned as "slang" -- there's something seriously wrong with the phrase sausage and bean cheese casserole. So, the cheese is made from beans? Is that the takeaway? Because no, there isn't bean cheese, and also this isn't a cheese casserole with sausage and beans in it. Also, it's not a casserole in any way I understand the term. But the ingredients weren't horrifying, and I felt like I should take another run at his microwave recipes after the non-failure of the tomato soup.

There are words I don't want associated with my food. A short, non-exhaustive list: seepage, turgid, moist, quaggy, pulpous. This recipe checks alllll of those boxes. Watching the videos again, it struck me how wet ass Pol's recipes consistently are. Like he puts flour or corn starch into the sauces he's microwaving, presumably to thicken them, but that shit doesn't fucking work in a microwave. So then he just pours a bunch of salmonella over microwaved chicken livers or whatever. Here's your disease sauce on top of rough-chopped wet pepper chunks and chicken tartare! Another potential favorite quote from the YouTube series: Chunks of oversized bell pepper and wet make this much better.

I fucking love the use of wet as noun.

Except in food. I don't love that.

Okay, so let's start into the recipe. It opens with vegetables, which is legitimately fine. I chopped up celery and onions, drizzled them with oil, and popped it in the nuker. Next came a shittonne of meat. A hallmark of Pol's recipes is a weird mixture of different meats. The recipe for lasagna rolls had veal and ham, a combo which must have made sense in the 80s but is madness now. Here, it was ground beef and sliced smoked pork sausage, which is honestly fine though.

Now, I've had success with recipes that microwaved ground beef, but it was almost always as a prelude to actually cooking that shit in the oven. Unlike cooking with radiant heat like a normal person, cooking vegetables in a microwave only makes them shed liquid which then just sits there and doesn't boil off. But cooking meat? When I pulled out the dish after four minutes on high it looked like this.

That's not enough! That's not done!

I don't actually want to get trichinosis, so I put this back in for another four minutes. I am willing to stunt-cook 1980's recipes, but I'm not willing to die for it. Also, can you see the accumulation of wet? The meat sweat seepage? The turgid suppuration, like from a fleshy gash? Dear reader, bring a bucket and a mop for this wet-ass Pol, because it's only going to get wetter.

Now comes the enwettening. Pol had me pour two whole ass cups of clamato juice over this cursed concoction, making it inextricably wetter. There is no coming back from this. We're deep in eldritch levels of wetness. Give me everything you got for this wet-ass Pol.

Before I wind up this wetness though, I want to tell an anecdote about Canada. I had never heard of clamato juice -- which is tomato juice with a hint of clam -- until I went to the Winnipeg Folk Festival in the mid-90s. The legal drinking age in the US was 21; it was 18 in Manitoba. I was of legal drinking age in the States, but my two friends with me were not, so they made some choices. One of them was to order a Blood Caesar, an apparently Canadian drink like a Bloody Mary, but with clamato juice instead of tomato. (Coincidentally, I just watched the Letterkenny episode with the Caesar contest -- in which they competed to make the best Bloody Caesar -- and everything on that show is super Canadian.)

This was on the way back from the folk fest, so we were strung out, hung over, and well sick of one another. My friend who ordered the Bloody Caesar swore up and down it was amazing after we razzed her about it. It was only later, when we'd gotten showers and hydration, that she admitted she actually hated it, at which point it turned into something of an inside joke. So I was amused to see the dreaded clamato in one of Pol's recipes, because its inclusion is both dated and extremely regional. I love regionally specific idioms, the kind of thing that people from a boutique in-group use without knowing it's not legible to anyone outside that ethnicity/region/interest group.

Once this egregious shit came out of the microwave, I got a slotted spoon and poured this over spaghetti noodles. We legit talked about whether to use a slotted spoon or a normal one, because we had to contend with the wetness. I went slotted. Also, I'm going to admit the noodles were gluten-free noodles, because I had a medical thing a while back and had to avoid gluten. Since my recovery there's been a lot of gluten-free stuff in the house that I need to use up. Then I rolled up a forkful of this not-casserole.

I'm going to be honest: it took me a hot minute to put this in my mouth, despite the fact that I was super hungry. It just doesn't look good. But I did and it was ... fine. 100% ok. Bland and uninteresting, but not spit-it-in-the-garbage terrible. I even had a few bites before deciding to be done with it. Like so many of Pol's recipes, it reminded me of my childhood, not in a good way or a bad way, just in a way. The impression I had was of grade school lunch rooms. Not salty, not seasoned, just an uninteresting mix of starch and protein designed to be wolfed down by a bunch of kids in a too-short meal time.

I'm on my 11th recipe in my cooking Pol Martin project, and I realize I keep grappling with the concept of nostalgia this whole time. I'm a Gen Xer, a tiny, in-between generation that has often defined itself by a weird kind of oppositional nostalgia. We were all-in with the post-punk grunge thing and pretending like we weren't corporate assholes in our 20s, but I think that ended up being mostly a bunch of posturing and bullshit. The most relevant things the Xers have given to the world are the Karen -- I graduated high school with four people named Karen Johnson -- and Elon Fucking Musk. It's probably not a surprise that a whole generation raised on Reaganomics ended up being mostly awful.

Pol's recipes have been redolent of a certain time, and I love that about them. I love that I've been transported to memories of my childhood, of people and places that are dead and gone, that I didn't know I remembered. I've had really intense memories of my beloved Grandma Dory, and she's been gone long enough that that feels like a gift. I feel like nostalgia is perfecting, smoothing out the jagged edges so you only remember the experience of being a child, which is itself a wonder, especially at a remove. And that perfection is a danger, especially on a generational level, because those times weren't actually good times: like everything in a life, both the sweet and the bitter season everything.

But nostalgia can be fucking dangerous. It is memory without shame, reverie without accountability. I was born the year Nixon had to step down as president for doing things not half as awful as the current administration has done this afternoon, and something worse will happen tomorrow. But just because things are worse now, doesn't mean things were good then. We lived in real fear, and the fear I feel now has the same bitter truth: our leaders do not have our best interests at heart, and in many ways are specifically trying to hurt us.

Don't even get me started about Reagan. I lived through that shit so don't come at me with some bullshit hagiography unless you have receipts, and you don't. You can't; they don't exist. He was awful and a lot of people died. I sat in hospital rooms while family friends died of AIDS, and I legitimately don't want to talk about their horrible fucking families of origin because it's too depressing. That's Reagan's legacy: and entire generation of gay men decimated. For a start.

Phew.

You know, a lot of these little write-ups of stunt-cooking some French-Canadian chef's recipes end up with me frothing at the mouth about something or other in the past. I'll admit, some of this is me: I like a good mouth-frothing. But there's also something about food, about preparing, cooking, and eating together that allows me to access a deeper, non-linguistic substrate of memory. And all of that is inextricably bound up with my larger experience of culture and history. I ate a table with my parents and sister, and we inevitably discussed our days, from the prosaic to the political. While I don't love remembering the bad things, those bad things sharply define the boundaries of the good. To quote my beloved Ursula K. Le Guin: "Light is the left hand of darkness, and darkness the right hand of light."

So. Where do we go from here? The funny thing about this recipe is that is has such potential. Clamato juice in a casserole is actually really interesting, and I could see using it as a liquid for some starch -- like rice or noodles -- that would soak up all the wetness. (In fact, that's what I did -- added some rice -- because with a little starch, this makes perfectly balanced dog food. That's how bland this was.) Honestly, I'm half-tempted to restructure this recipe to be actually good, because the ingredients are all there, it just doesn't come together. We'll see what I get up to in the days ahead.

*I once went to dinner at the house of a relative who is a devotee of the slow food movement, my small children in tow. While I appreciates the general sentiment behind slow food -- traditional recipes, done in the time they need -- I don't fucking appreciate having my kids freak out because they've been waiting two hours for some nonsense to come out of the oven. After that horror show, I always made sure to bring enough snacks to keep the inevitable hunger meltdown at bay. I hate when ideology gets in the way of practicality.

[earthtoharlow]

Maybe Jaylas first Mother’s Day with Ariel

Series Masterlist

Ariel woke up to the sounds of loud whispers and giggles filling the bedroom

“ssh, you gotta be quiet, you’re going to wake her.” She heard Jack whisper

She was happy the blanket was over her face because she wasn’t able to hide her smile when she heard Jayla’s sassy reply.

“But isn’t that the point? She can’t eat her pancakes while sleeping!”

Jack couldn’t help but laugh to himself “You’re right, but daddy has to place the tray down first.”

Ariel heard Jack place the tray down, and felt Jayla crawl on the bed.

“Ok, it’s go time, J!”

She braced herself for the impact of Jayla jumping on top of her. “HAPPY MOTHERS DAYYY!!” Jayla’s voice echoed through the room as she screamed in her ear.

“Oh my goodness!” Ariel said, wrapping her arms around Jayla.

Letting go from the hug Ariel sat up against the headboard, as Jayla cuddled up next to her. Jack watched the two with a smile at the edge of the bed.

“We made you breakfast.” Jack said, giving her a sweet kiss on the lips before placing the tray over her lap.

There was a stack of pancakes, sausage, and eggs. Ariel jokingly sniffed the air, “wow and I don’t smell anything burnt!”

Jayla grabbed a piece of sausage from the tray and giggled as she bit into it. “Yeah, mommy I made sure he cooked it correctly!”

Jack huffed quietly

Ariel had officially become Jayla’s legal guardian for a year now ever since Jack and her got married. Jayla still wasn’t sure what to call her most days, so she switched back and forth from calling her “Mommy” or “Ariel.” It always warmed her heart when she hears Jayla call her mom.

“You did a great job, sweetheart. And hands off my sausage!”

Noticing Jack was still standing at the foot of the bed, she padded the spot next to her, motioning him to join them. “C’mon dad, join us!”

The three of them spent the rest of the morning in bed, watching morning cartoons (as requested by Jayla) and sharing breakfast with one another with Jayla surprising her with flowers and a homemade card.

Happy Mother’s Day! Thank you for being my bonus mom! I love you very much!

Love, Jayla

[cherryluvrx3]

meat lovers amirite??

Dave Strider x Reader x Karkat Vantas

Chapter 1

[masterlist]

“Christ it’s always so goddamn hot..” Dave grumbled behind the cash register and wiped some sweat off his forehead. It was another Wednesday afternoon that was spent working for the best (not true) pizzeria ever, Pizza Hut. It was early march and even though it wasn’t necessarily hot outside, the heat inside the place was stuffy and unbearable.

It also didn’t help that they had hot pizzas being cooked, going in and out of ovens that let out little bursts of heat whenever they were opened.

“Yeah it’s even worse now that the air conditioner’s broken-“ “AND THAT WE’RE- SORRY I’M, COOKING HOT ASS PIZZAS!” Karkat cut off John, who was mopping in the front, with a yell from the kitchen.

“Stop complaining and get back to work, doughboy!” John shouted back. “DON’T MAKE ME COME OUT THERE!” Karkat yelled and the two were about to start their usual bickering.

“Guys wait, shut up there’s a call coming in.” Dave shushed the both of them and picked up the phone while Karkat grumbled to himself.

“Hi this is Pizza Hut, what can I get you?”

“Yeah hi! Can I get 3 pi-“

“Wait, for pick up or delivery?”

“Oh, uh delivery but yeah can I get 3 pizzas? One pepperoni, one sausage, and one meatlovers.”

“Alrightt… anything else?”

“10 breadsticks and 20 Cinnabons?”

“ Damn- I mean- ok anything else?”

“Uh.. yeah so like…”

They paused and he could hear murmuring in the back.

“Yeah?”

“Can you um.. can you hehe- send your uh, cutest delivery boy?”

…?

“…Haha what.”

“That’s it ok bye!”

The call ended and Dave just shrugged off what he just heard as another one of the harmless pranks he’d hear as someone working the phones and finished putting in the order.

He looked over to the keys that were for the delivery car before thinking, ‘hmm.. it’d be nice to stretch my legs and get some fresh air’ and then snatched them up, swinging them around his finger in a cool nonchalant manner.

“Heh John guess what?” Dave called to John who was now wiping down the windows.

“Yeah?”

“I just got a call requesting “the cutest delivery boy” you know what that means?”

“Uhh.. no?.. what..?”

“That means you can’t go.” Dave snickered to himself and went to the back while John just yelled out an offended, “What’s that supposed to mean!?”

———

“Ugghh!!” I screamed into a pillow right after I clicked the end call button while my friends just laughed at me. “Hey! You forgot to order wings!” Terezi complained. “Oh no! I’m not calling again!” I told her while I felt my own hot cheeks. Roxy, the evil witch who was the one that set me up to humiliate myself, giggled next to me, “Oh my god! Haha! At least he seemed like- chill about it?” Roxy patted my shoulder as I just sunk deeper into the couch, pouting.

“C'mon that’s a good thing! Means it probably won’t be that awkward when you open the door!” “WHAT?” I snapped my head to look at her in surprise.

“Well.. think about it! You’re the one who called! You should open the door.” Nepeta chuckled from her spot on the carpet. “NO??? That means I shouldn’t have to answer??!” I whined as I shook the little cat girl by the shoulders. “Chill your motherfuckin’ grill little mama… it’s not that serious.. besides, if you play your cards right, you might be able to hit it off with pizza boy and finally land a boyfriend or some shit..” Gamzee said also from his spot on the carpet.

“I don’t think I’m getting a boyfriend from this Gamzee..” “I bet he’s gonna be ugly anyways.” Terezi snickered before going back to chewing on one of my pillows ew.

“Well it’s nice to be optimistic right!? A knight in shining armor-“ “You know damn well no pizza delivery boy is a knight in shining armor.” Roxy laughed while Nepeta pouted, “Well we’ll see when he gets here!”

———

About 15 minutes later, the doorbell rings and I get practically shoved to the door while the others hide behind a corner to watch. I pat down a few stray hairs- why am I so nervous? I’m literally never gonna see this guy again, I might as well rip the bandaid off, open the door, give him money, grab the pizza, wait.. wait wait wait - I hung up before he could tell me the price. Ugh now I have to have a conversation with him- oh god fucking damnit..

I open the door and right as I’m about to speak my voice cuts out. Okay, the dude isn’t devastatingly hot but he’s fairly cute, which is wayy more than what I was expecting from a Pizza Hut delivery boy..

“The cutest delivery boy is here.” He says with a smug tone, presenting himself like he’s the best thing since sliced bread.

Oh.

Oh god eugh ..

He’s a prick…

[the-most-humble-blog]

💀 WELCOME TO THE ANNUAL HIVE CITY LOWER SECTOR C ORGANIC FRESH MARKET, MUTHAF—KERS!

(A Completely Nonofficial, Highly Illegal, and Morally Indefensible Warhammer 40K Event.)

🚨 FRESH MEAT, HOT OFF THE BACK ALLEYS! GET IT WHILE IT'S STILL TWITCHING! 🚨

Attention, hungry heretics, morally bankrupt mercenaries, and desperate citizens of Lower Sector C!

It’s that time of year again—when sanitation codes take a backseat, the Arbites turn a blind eye (for a price), and our fine vendors bring you the freshest, juiciest, least-questionable meats from across the Underhive.

We’re talking real, organic, farm-to-table cuisine— Except, well… the farm is a battlefield, the table is covered in bloodstains, and "organic" just means it was breathing a few hours ago.

This isn’t some overpriced, high-society Terran charcuterie board. This isn’t your sanctioned ration-pack nutrient sludge. This is the raw, the real, the highly-illegal, and the barely-dead.

Welcome to Lower Sector C’s Premier Organic Fresh Market.

If it bleeds, we can butcher it. If it twitches, it’s probably extra tender. And if it fights back? That’s your problem now.

🔥 THIS YEAR’S FEATURED SELECTIONS – NOW WITH 25% LESS RAT HAIR!

🐀 GENESTEALER GROUND ROUND – The perfect mix of DNA corruption and illegal protein. Eat enough, and you might just start seeing through walls.

🍖 HIVE MUTANT PRIME CUTS – Don’t ask where it came from. Don’t ask why it glows. Just enjoy the extra arms growing out of your chest.

👀 DEEP-FRIED EYEBALL POPPERS – Now with extra crunch! (May contain residual memories.)

🦴 ADEPTUS MECHANICUS “BONELESS” WINGS – Tech-priests say “the flesh is weak” …so we turned them into wings. No refunds if you find metal bits.

💀 CORPSE-STARCH CLASSIC™ – All the essential nutrients, none of the identity. Don’t think about it. Just chew.

🔪 FRESH “VOLUNTEER” SAUSAGE LINKS – Only the finest free-range, non-consenting, and questionably sourced meats! Just don’t ask about the casing.

🔥 SERVITOR STEAKS – Tenderized by years of brutal labor and complete loss of free will. Delicious with a side of Mechanicus Tears™.

🍔 THE “UNIDENTIFIED” BURGER – Listen, buddy, do you want to eat, or do you want a fucking backstory?

💀 PREMIUM BLACK MARKET DELICACIES (FOR WHEN YOU’VE ALREADY SOLD YOUR SOUL)

For our most discerning clientele, we offer an exclusive VIP menu that only the most morally depraved (or desperate) dare to try:

🔹 Bargain Bin Clones! – The meat grows back! Perfect for second helpings… or third. Or fourth. Or fifth. (Warning: Some customers may experience an existential crisis.)

🔹 Eldar Tartare! – They think they’re too good to die? Prove them wrong. Served with a delicate side of shattered pride.

🔹 Kroot Mystery Meat! – Kroot eat us, we eat Kroot. Circle of life, bitches.

🔹 Ork Chops! – Extra green, extra mean, and may try to regenerate on your plate.

🔹 Tau-Tofu Hybrid Steaks! – No, they don’t taste better. But they sure as hell beg harder before you carve them up.

🔹 Servo-Skull Soup! – Brain freeze? No, that’s just its last recorded thoughts bleeding into your psyche.

🔹 Dark Eldar Pain Jerky! – Marinated in the screams of its former owner for extra flavor.

📌 RULES OF THE MARKET – FOLLOW THEM OR BECOME INVENTORY

1️⃣ No Refunds. If it screams when you cut it, that’s between you and your conscience. 2️⃣ No Questions. If you gotta ask, you already don’t wanna know. 3️⃣ No Witnesses. If you see something you weren’t supposed to? You didn’t. 4️⃣ No Crying. Unless it’s to add extra salt to the broth. 5️⃣ No Snitching. You leave with food, not information.

🚨 And for the love of the Emperor, if you hear something rattling inside your meat bag… cook it well done. 🚨

💀 FINAL WARNING: GET IT BEFORE IT GETS YOU.

The Upper Hive Lords are feasting on golden platters while you’re down here licking the grease off a corpse-ration wrapper. Wake the fuck up!

This isn’t a dinner party. This isn’t a charity. This isn’t a negotiation.

This is the Hive City Lower Sector C Organic Fresh Market, motherfucker.

You eat what you can, when you can, however the fuck you can.

Because if you’re not chewing? You’re on the menu next.

🔥 LAST CALL BEFORE THE ENFORCERS SHOW UP!

🔪 Buy 2 Servitor Steaks, get a free side of last week’s mystery gravy! 🐀 Rats are half-price (but full of regret)! 💀 Find a toe in your soup? That’s a sign of luck! Probably.

💀 REBLOG if you’d take a bite. 🚀 FOLLOW if you know exactly how bad this place smells. 🔥 LIKE if you’ve got the stomach for Lower Sector C. 💬 COMMENT your order, but don’t expect a name for what you’re eating.

[canonicallysoulmates]

J2 Gold Panel DC Con 2023

To start off the panel Jared notices that a fan's shirt says the only thing they're putting jeans and boots on for this weekend is food, whiskey, and Jensen Ackles, and he says he takes his jeans off for Jensen...sir in front of everyone 👀

First question comes from a fan who got them candy but Jensen throws Jared's so Jared has to go get them 😆 For anyone confused this is because the fan got Jared Twizzlers since he said he liked them at the last con but Jensen doesn't like them and prefers red vines.

What snacks do they eat when watching the football game?

Jensen answers chips and salsa.

Jared says he has a funny story, when they worked together they did an ep about a lucky penny, and one Sunday Tom Welling who was still doing Smallville went over and they did a BBQ, and Tom brought some family salad recipe that had Doritos in it and some maui ribs and some other stuff, so they eat then a couple days later Jared comes home late from work or something and he's a little hungry so he goes to the fridge and sees the Maui ribs that Tom had brought over. He snacked on them, went to bed, and didn't realize until the next morning that the ribs had been raw. I literally screamed when he said this, as y'all can guess he was dog sick.

And Jensen says the problem is that Jared didn't realize they were uncooked until he asked him about them! They lived together at the time so Jensen got home looking for the ribs cause he wanted to cook them and when he asked Jared about them Jared replied he ate them well he knows Jared and he knows he isn't going to fire up the grill when he's hungry he just eats but he still asks how he cooked them, and that's when Jared tells him he didn't cook them he just ate them.

How do you make a mistake like this??? 😭

So, poor Jared is sick as a dog, and the next day they're filming in Squamish, the whole ride there he's trying not to throw up. He gets there, they look at him, and send him to his trailer. Then they call a nurse to give him a shot of vitamin B and some other stuff so most of the coverage of them when they're in the booth talking to each other when Jensen is talking it's not to him he was in his trailer for like 8hrs throwing up and with diarrhea.

Jensen says he was like "I don't want him projectile vomiting unto me, get him out off here and get a stand in and put a wig on the guy."

Then he jokes that he realized how much better the experience is so for the next 8 seasons he didn't work with the guy and Jared quips but they still lived together. x

Something interesting is that Jensen says they were roommates for all of s4, but Jared says 5 as well and Jensen's like no, it was only one season but that if Jared wants to stretch it into 2 that's fine and Jared goes 4 to 12. Like seasons 4 to 12. And I just find it a very interesting exchange especially Jared's reaction when Jensen tries to deny that they lived together for more than one season he throws his hands up and goes 'fine, fine' like how one does when you know someone is lying about something or remembering incorrectly but you're not gonna argue with them about it.

If they could give each other stripper or porn names what would they be?

Jensen and I had the same confusion cause we both thought this person was saying board games 🤣

Jensen first understood board games, then it was porn games and he was like who ordered an extra sausage on their pizza to which Jared raises his hand and Jensen goes "it's a spicy meatball" and Jared replies "two of them". 😂

Jared says Moosetacular has a certain je ne sais quoi and Jensen says Mooseknuckle. Jensen asks if there isn't a certain formula to figure out your porn name and the fans give different answers but Jared says they're doing the name of their first pet and the name of the street they grew up on so he is Booty Montclair. That's actually fantastic. And Jensen is Pudgy Midway. x

Did Jared ever get his knee fixed?

Jared says no but he's there and loving it. He's treating it with physical therapy and rehabbing it. Jensen says Jared is learning to live with it much like he did with him. And can I just say he does not look happy he even kind of cuts Jared off when he's finishing answering the question and picks out the next fan to ask something. I think he wishes Jared would take care of it which is understandable, he's probably worried about him, but I gotta say I understand where Jared is coming from for not having the surgery sometimes the remedy is worse than the sickness. x

Is cereal a soup?

Jared says no. Jensen says technically yeah, it's just grain soup, or multigrain soup.

Jared says that you cook soup but the crowd points out gazpacho which is an uncooked, cold soup.

Jensen says he doesn't know if there are milk-based soups, there is cream sometimes in soup but it's traditionally in a broth base, there has to be some sort of broth but someone mentions clam chowder and that has a cream base so Jensen says the fan is right.

Jared asks the fan what they think and they say it is a soup like a hot dog is a sandwich and that's when he loses the crowd and also Jensen who says no. And Jared pats Jensen's chest to calm him down. x

How often do they think about the Roman Empire?

They both know they're being asked this for a reason but Jared doesn't know what the reason is, Jensen does because he had been asked this the previous night for the first time. He answers several times a week. But he hadn't thought about that until he was asked.

Jared says he doesn't think about it unless maybe if he's in Rome but Jeensen tells him to think about all the things that he does think about that are related to the Roman empire so he might not even realize that he's thinking about it.

For context, the reason they were asked about this is because it's a TikTok trend right now to ask men how often they think about the Roman Empire because apparently, men think about the Roman Empire a lot. x

Have they ever been star-struck meeting another celeb?

Jensen says Jared is a big fan of Pearl Jam, and they went to a charity concert where the lead singer of the band, Eddie Vedder was performing and they got the chance to meet him, after he played, in a very intimate setting probably no more than the people in the room at that moment. So they walk up and someone introduces them, and Jared just stiffens up and Jensen's trying to play it cool, and Eddie in true rock and roll fashion is smoking a cigarette. Jared, who does not smoke, asks if he can get a drag of the cigarette, Jensen just turns to look at him, and Eddie slowly hands him the cigarette so Jared grabs it out of his hand, takes a puff of the cigarette, coughs, and goes to hand it back and Eddie goes "you keep it" so Jensen told him it was nice to meet him, walked Jared to the parking lot and they left.

Jared says he left, went home and flew back to Van at like 6am and was like "I always wish I wouldn't act like that" x

If there were a movie made about their lives who would they want playing them?

Jensen jokes Barry Watson would play Jared. Jared shares the story about how one time Sandy was flying from LA to go visit him in Van and the guy she was sitting next to asked what she was traveling for, she said she was going to visit her boyfriend, guy asked what the boyfriend does she tells him he's filming a show called Supernatural that just started, and the guy says he has seen it and asks if her boyfriend is the short one or the one from 7th Heaven. He thought Jared was Barry Watson.

Jensen goes Meryl Streep cause she can do anything.

Jared says Meryl Streep and Daniel Day-Lewis could play Jensen better than Jensen. x

Next fan challenges Jensen to rock, paper, scissors.

Jensen wins with scissors. x

What is a sports moment they wish they could go back and change or are still mad about?

Jensen says he has two. First, when he was in the 9th-grade basketball team there was a very important game and they needed a win. He stole the ball and had a breakaway layup on the other end, he thought he was gonna be king of the school but he airballed it which means he missed the shot. He wishes he could take that back. The second moment was in his senior year he was on the baseball team and he was batting against a guy who went on to have a very long career in the major leagues. The guy was Kerry Wood, he's a pitcher and he was throwing 90 mph as an 18-year-old.

So they have a runner on first and he looks down the third base coach to get his signal cause they give him a signal on what to do and basically through signals they told him he was gonna send the runner to steal second but they needed him to swing away to rob the catcher from throwing him out on second base so he was supposed to swing the ball but Wood's threw a 90+ mph fastball that he never saw. The runner got thrown out on second base, Jensen struck out, and the coach was not happy.

Jared says he thinks it says something about them that they don't remember game-winning goals cause what he remembers is when he was like 11 or 12yrs old- if you get fouled in basketball while shooting you get two shots but sometimes the foul count is at like 8 and you get a foul dribbling which means you get a one-one so you get the first shot and you can get a second shot so he got a one-one and shot the free throw and missed which meant the ball was still in play. But everybody is standing around waiting for him to make the second shot which he wasn't entitled to but he realizes nobody was aware the ball was still in play so he tells his team mate who the ball had bounced over to to pass it to him and he drives straight down the lane and he missed the layup so the other team got the score.

As somebody who knows nothing about sports this was very confusing.

Also, Jensen was trying to ask Jared a question about this and Jared wasn't understanding so Jensen just slaps his arm to get his attention. x

And that was the Gold panel! Real quickly I want to mention that according to the fan who recorded this panel Jensen was checking up on Jared prior to going on the stage to make sure he was okay because this is a very emotional con.

For those who may still not know Krista, also known as Kreespa, who has provided the fandom with wonderful panel recordings over the years was sadly diagnosed with terminal cancer and this was the last convention she was attending so it was dedicated to her. That's why you'll see them wearing a green shirt that says Kristacon on it.

J2 Gold Panel DC Con

[frodo-cinnamonroll]

Tears of Fear: Part 1

Plot/Summary: Requested by @almost-gabrielle. Y/N is a loyal hobbit traveling with Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pippin, and Strider. At first, things go alright, but when the six of you camp at Weathertop, the Black Riders find you, and Strider isn’t there to help. Frodo is wounded and time is running out as you try to make your way to Rivendell.

I decided to make this into a two-part series because of its length.

Warnings: wounds, quite angsty, fluff

Paring: Frodo x Fem!hobbit!reader

Word count: 2.2k

A/N: This is an excerpt (that I haven’t written prior to writing this fic) from my fanfic series The Heart of a Hobbit. Therefore, I do not consent to any part of this being copied in any way (other than reblogging, of course). Thank you for understanding! Enjoy! :)

—----------------------------------------

I awoke that night to the sounds of a crackling fire and hushed voices. The night air that brushed my face was cooling. I yawned gently and opened my eyes. Frodo was there, still asleep and bundled tightly in his blanket. I rubbed my eyes and sat up stretching. Sam, Merry, and Pippin all sat around the fire. I smelled meat being cooked.

“What’s the time?” I asked groggily.

Merry shrugged. “I’m not sure but we’ve got food.”

“That’s what’s important,” Pippin said with a nod.

“Didn’t Strider say not to make a fire?” I said in a worried tone.

“See,” Sam said to the others, “I told y—”

“It’s not been going for long!” Pippin interjected. “We’ll put it out soon after we eat. What’s a little warmth anyway?”

I sat down near them with a small frown. “I don’t like it,” I mumbled, “but I’m not in charge.”

However, I gladly took the food that the others offered, feeling famished after all the walking of the day.

A few minutes passed when Frodo stirred, blinking sleepily. He then sat up, a worried look on his face.

“What are you doing?” he said, deepening the apprehension I felt.

“Tomatoes, sausages, and some nice crispy bacon,” Merry said.

“We saved some for you, Mr. Frodo,” Sam said.

Frodo rushed to his feet and stomped out the flames. “Put it out you fools! Put it out!”

“Oh, that’s nice!” Pippin said, looking distraughtly at his tomatoes. “Ash on my tomatoes!”

Not a moment passed that Pippin had spoken when a terrifying and all-too-familiar screech filled the air. It took me a second to overcome the paralysis that froze me in place, but the five of us scrambled to the edge and peered below. Although it was a dark night other than the wavering rays from the moon, I could see even darker shapes moving through the mist. They seemed like voids with legs and swords.

Frodo drew his sword and the rest of us followed suit.

“Go!” he said.

The five of us ran up the weathered stone stairs to the summit of Weathertop. A thick mist crowned the edge of the hill like a net holding us in. The moon now seemed like a spotlight pinpointing our position. We formed a small circle, facing outwards. I gripped my sword as tight as I possibly could, holding it in front of me as if to ward off the monsters in the shadow by some hidden courage that I could not feel. But my sword wavered in my trembling hands and I fought back the tears of fear in my eyes.

Looking this way and that, I awaited any moment that the Black Riders would lunge out from the darkness. Then I heard my own frightened voice saying over and over.

“What are we to do? What are we to do?”

“Hold on,” Frodo said, grasping my hand and gripping his sword ever tighter. “Strider will come. He will. We just need to hold on.” But he didn’t sound like he believed it. I didn’t either. I knew Strider didn’t want harm to come upon us, but he was not near, so he could not help us. None could help us now.

Then my blood froze again as the sound of a sword unsheathing sang from my left. Then my right. And all around.

Shing!

I wanted to scream, but I couldn’t. The terror within me made my mind seem to run wild. I saw the dark hooded figures come forth, the metal of their boots clinking like the sound of heavy chains. They spoke no word yet it seemed far worse than if they had. I felt a burning sensation of cold hard fear in my mind.

There is no escape. The thought said. No escape.

And now a tear did fall down my cheek as we backed closer into our circle. The Black Riders lowered their swords as if getting ready to skewer a boar. Helplessness welled up inside of me.

“Get behind me Y/n,” Frodo said, but his voice was distant and wavering.

Then Sam jumped forward shouting, “Back you devils!” with ferocity and loyalty.

Then my senses seemed to gain ground in my mind again. The Riders were here for Frodo and the Ring and I couldn’t let them get either.

Sam charged and was thrown aside in an instant. I planted myself straight in front of and let out the best battle cry I could summon, though it sounded nothing more than a last shout of terror. The Riders hesitated for half a moment, but nothing more. The foremost met my sword with such strength, or perhaps intimidation, that my sword cracked and flew out of my hand. My desperate eyes had hardly turned back to the enemy in front of me when I felt cold hard metal surrounding my throat. I was lifted above the ground, all air leaving my lungs. I choked and the fear took over my mind once more as I struggled, more tears falling.

“No!” Frodo yelled.

I was dropped, gasping and searching for breath. I could not stand. All felt cold. The Riders advanced, and although Merry and Pippin tried to barricade their way, they were removed easily out of the Riders’ path and thrown to the ground. Frodo stumbled backwards, dropping his sword. He struggled away from the Riders looming ever nearer. He looked like a helpless creature. Trapped. My heart burned within me but I had no strength. I saw a glint of gold in the cold moonlight then he disappeared.

A momentary vision of ghostly kings surrounding a small halfling flickered before my eyes and was gone.

“Fro—” but my throat seemed to tighten and I sank to the ground, looking up at the Riders. 

If only I could distract them. I crawled towards a jagged stone, straining with every muscle in my body to grab it. I felt it cold in my hand, but before I could raise my arm, a lot of things happened. I heard a muffled cry that sounded like it came from under the earth. Strider leapt out of nowhere, a torch blazing like his eyes as he charged on the Riders. He fought them off with more ferocity than I had imagined he could show. For a moment he seemed like a mighty king of valor protecting his people. My struggling breath eased, though not fully.

But my attention was turned when I heard a more distinct and present cry not far away. Frodo lay on the ground, breathing ragged breaths, his eyes wide. My strength restored, I ran over with Sam right beside. The agony on Frodo’s face dissipated all fear of the attacking Riders, and a new fear rose within me. All five of us were kneeling next to Frodo. Sam took one of his hands and I took the other, putting my hand on his forehead. I saw the slit in Frodo’s cloak where the Black Rider’s blade had pierced him in the shoulder.

Strider fought off the last Rider and Sam cried, “Strider!”

Strider ran over quickly, kneeling.

“Help him, Strider,” I said. I was fighting back tears.

“He’s been stabbed by a Morgul blade,” Strider said, picking up the knife. The blade turned to dust and Strider threw the hilt to the ground in disgust. “This is beyond my skill to heal. He needs Elvish medicine.” Strider picked up Frodo, who gave a strained cry.

We all stood, following  Strider. I kept in step as well as I was able as we made our way down Weathertop.

“Grab the pony, Sam,” Strider ordered. Sam did so and we jogged into the forest.

“Hurry!” Strider called, holding a torch high. He held Frodo like a sack of potatoes over his shoulder. I could hear Frodo whimpering and it broke my heart even more.

“We’re still six days from Rivendell!” Sam said. “He’ll never make it!”

I shook my head. “Don’t say that.” My voice broke.

“Hold on, Frodo,” Strider said.

“Gandalf!” Frodo cried distantly.

A tear fell down my cheek. I clenched my jaw and ran faster.

After what seemed too long, we reached a small clearing. There were three large, frowning statues forming a circle.

“Mr. Bilbo’s trolls!” Sam said.

Strider gently set Frodo down on the ground. Sam and I knelt beside him and Merry and Pippin stood with torches Strider had given them. I took Frodo’s hand and brushed some of his hair from his forehead. He was sweating.

“Frodo,” I said. “Hold on.”

Frodo wasn’t responding. His eyes were wide and his pupils small. They were searching unseeingly above. I fought the tears that threatened to spill again.

“Look, Frodo,” Sam said quietly. “It’s Mr. Bilbo’s trolls.”

Frodo started coughing. He winced and moaned. Sam put a hand on his forehead.

“Mr. Frodo?” he said. He turned toward Strider who was searching the ground with the light of the torch. “He’s going cold.”

“Is he going to die?” Pippin asked.

“He’s passing into the Shadow World,” Strider said gravely. “He’ll soon become a Wraith like them.”

Frodo gasped, struggling. Not but a moment later, the Black Riders’ shrieks sounded, and it was much closer than I would have liked. I kissed Frodo’s hand, holding it to my chest. My own were shaking.

“They’re close,” Merry said.

Strider turned to Sam. “Sam, do you know the Athelas plant?”

Sam stood like a soldier ready to go into battle. “Athelas?”

“Kingsfoil.”

“Kingsfoil, aye, it’s a weed.”

“It may help slow the poisoning. Hurry!”

Sam and Strider hurried off, looking for the right plant. I began to shiver, not because it was cold, but because of the fear building up inside of me. Then I heard a faint sound that caused me to freeze. Hooves not far away. I held Frodo’s hand tighter, waiting for a Black Rider to appear. But then Strider and another person on a white horse came forward. She was beautiful and had long dark hair. Her skin was pale and fair. A light seemed to shine faintly from her as she and Strider knelt beside Frodo. I stood, giving them space to work, watching with worry.

“Frodo,” the lady said. “I am Arwen—I’ve come to help you. Hear my voice, come back to the light.”

Frodo’s breaths were uneven as he turned his head to look up again.

“Who is she?” Merry said.

“She’s an elf,” Sam said in awe.

“He’s fading,” Arwen whispered to Strider. She pulled back Frodo’s shirt on the left side, revealing his wound. The flesh was black and I could see the darkness spreading in his veins across his shoulder. Strider tore a leaf of the kingsfoil off the main plant with his teeth and placed it in the wound. Frodo gasped. I wrung my hands and bit my lip as I watched.

“He’s not going to last,” Arwen said. “We must get him to my father.”

Strider picked Frodo up, carrying him towards Arwen’s horse. I followed, standing at a short distance. Strider set Frodo upon the horse and he and Arwen spoke softly together. I tried to catch what they were saying but most of what they said was in elvish.

“What are they saying?” I heard Pippin ask.

“I do not fear them,” Arwen said now. Strider took her hand and squeezed it.

“As you wish,” Strider said. He stepped back as she mounted the horse, sitting behind Frodo who was slumped over. “Arwen, ride hard. Don’t look back.”

“Where are you taking him?” I said, no longer holding back my tears.

“To Rivendell,” Arwen said, “to my father. It is his only hope.” She gave me a brief smile but it offered little confort. She nudged the horse forward, saying something in elvish, and it took off.

“What are you doing? Those Wraiths are still out there!” Sam cried.

My heart pounded and I attempted to run after her. “Wait! I must come! Wait! Frodo!”

Strider held me back.

“I have to be with him! I have to help him!”

“Shh,” Strider said, kneeling in front of me and holding me firmly. “There is nothing you can do. He must go. It is the only way he will survive.”

“But I have to—” I wept, struggling. “I can’t leave him. He needs me. I need him. I can’t—”

Strider wrapped me in his arms. “Hush, child. Providence will likely succeed.”

“But I have to be there if I need to say goodbye,” I continued. “I need to. I need…” But I could say no more in my weeping.

“You will see him again, alive in well with Providence in our favor,” Strider said, his voice strained. “It is beyond you now, but you will see.”

I leaned into Strider, shaken by my sobs. “Frodo,” I whimpered as tears soaked my face. “Frodo, no. Frodo. Frodo.”

[qprsmackdown]

Sausage and Pearl (ARENADUO) vs Georgia Warr and Rooney Bach (Alice Oseman's Loveless)

Arenaduo propaganda: they're fighting buddies they built an area together Pearl stayed with Sausage as his friend even after he got possessed and evil, Pearl died in Sausage's arms, they're part of a larger found family and when Pearl turned into a goddess Sausage became her angel (Also, this is nepotism because arenaduo are my girlfriend's favorite characters. @felicityphoenix5 come look its your guys. Plus a vote for arenaduo is a vote for aromantics -🦊.)

Georgia and Rooney propaganda: Honestly my words can't do them justice, so imma just put in a quote from the wonderful Ms. Rooney herself: "Georgia, I am never going to stop being your friend. And I don’t mean that in the boring average meaning of ‘friend’ where we stop talking regularly when we’re twenty-five because we’ve both met nice young men and gone off to have babies, and only get to meet up twice a year. I mean I’m going to pester you to buy a house next door to me when we’re forty-five and have finally saved up enough for our deposits. I mean I’m going to be crashing round yours every night for dinner because you know I can’t fucking cook to save my life, and if I’ve got kids and a spouse, they’ll probably come round with me, because otherwise they’ll be living on chicken nuggets and chips. I mean I’m going to be the one bringing you soup when you text me that you’re sick and can’t get out of bed and ferrying you to the doctor’s even when you don’t want to go because you feel guilty about using the NHS when you just have a stomach bug. I mean we’re gonna knock down the fence between our gardens so we have one big garden, and we can both get a dog and take turns looking after it. I mean I’m going to be here, annoying you, until we’re old ladies, sitting in the same care home, talking about putting on a Shakespeare because we’re all old and bored as shit.” Like if that doesn't scream QPR, I don't know what does.