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Things that my (very old, but surprisingly spritely) grandma says to my two dogs

“You’re not listening! I’m gonna have to put you in THE ROOM. Alright?”

“Tweet tweet. Tweet tweet. Listen to the tweeters, Snickers.”

“Damn squirrels are gonna be the death of me.

“MARS. Be his friend.”

“Everybody likes the rubadubdubs.”

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My favorite fucking website

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price and gaz have an erotic shaving kink and LOVE shaving their partners. finds how trusting their partner is with them wielding a sharp razor around their intimate parts extremely attractive and loves to fuck you post shave.

simon and soap are bush defenders until the day they die. they would rather die in the magical rainforest from lack of air than be face to face with a hairless cooch. soap lowkey keeps a ruler handy because he wants to measure your pubes each time you see him so he can track your progress. simon is just happy to have someone crazy enough to let him near their cooch.

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I really honestly wish I could gripe about Generative AI without sounding like one of those "the immigrants are stealing our jobs" blokes

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The Illuminati and Bermuda Triangle are most definitely having sex

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All my OC’s are depressed dad core because I’m a depressed dad at heart 🫶🏻🫶🏻

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My computer was like “let’s finish setting things up!” After I reset it and I was like “sure, I have time in my hands” and I hit continue and then it said “YOU’RE ALL SET”??!!?! I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING

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THIS SCARED THE ABSOLUTE SHIT OUT OF ME THIS MORNING

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GUYS GUYS GUYS THEORY

FORTNITE LIONEL MESSI LOOKS LIKE METRO MAN

AND METRO MAN LOOKS LIKE MARKIPLIER

AND BOTH MARKIPLIER AND MESSI START WITH M

MESSI AND MARKIPLIER ARE THE SAME PERSON

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Why Wikipedia talking like “she worked alone for fifteen summers”

Just use years bro I’m so tired I just need the info it doesn’t have to be pretty

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I guarantee one of the 141 vapes and Price is so embarrassed by them enjoying that fruity shit instead of a classy high class cigar..:until he secretly takes a puff of raspberry or iced mint one of the guys left and he cannot get enough of the taste…so he ends up secretly buying his own and sneaking puffs in his office.

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WAIT

If I took videos of the sausages screaming but like kept it a black screen then posted on the dark web

Would people like buy it if I marketed it as the screams of the innocent

Or I mean like saying I’m torturing people but I’m actually just cooking sausages

I’d feel bad for bacon if it had nerves

Or just about any food

And what if their nerves were accompanied by the ability to scream

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But like what if apples shrieked and cried when you devoured them

I’d feel bad for bacon if it had nerves

Or just about any food

And what if their nerves were accompanied by the ability to scream

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CHAT I JUST FOUND OUT SAUSAGES APPARENTLY SCREAM WHEN YOU COOK THEM

I’d feel bad for bacon if it had nerves

Or just about any food

And what if their nerves were accompanied by the ability to scream

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I’d feel bad for bacon if it had nerves

Or just about any food

And what if their nerves were accompanied by the ability to scream

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WHAT IF THEY LOVE THE ARMYYY RAAAAHHH

(Much love)

papa.

if you were to ever have children, would you expect them to go into the military?

- roach lover

fuck no. on the off chance i ever have kids, i'd want them to pursue something they love. not the bloody army

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Me when my boyfriend (THIS IS AN ONGOING JOKE. HE’S IN CANADA WE CAN’T DO NOTHIN)

Party cock is in the mouth tonight