#and awesome! good to know! I hate to be the spoiling sort. ;

[lillusoire]

@luminexhotaru cont'd from [x]

An astonished blink takes his expression for a moment as she so quickly dismisses her own 'popularity'. "Make no mistake my dear Traveler I am plenty aware of my reception here in Fontaine. Though I assure you I'm not certain word of my act travels as far as the achievements of oh I don't know...dragon slaying was it?" The cheshire expression in his demeanor is one meant to tease her in that animated way he drew out his words. With a gentle bow he extends his arms making gesture towards allowing her the first step towards the cafe aforementioned. "--or perhaps one day I'll pull off a trick so awe inspiring it can sit beside the news of.... having a hand in abolishing the Sakoku decree aha!" he nodded confidently in jest, only serving to further taunt at the fact her popularity was quite a big deal. Taking stride, he showcased that he was quite well informed about her accomplishments. Then again, with the way news spread in Fontaine who wasn't?

"I digress..I'm delighted to hear you'll join me. Come to think of it it's the perfect way to get to know my representative defendant! I've always thought one's coffee order says a lot about them-- just over this way." he motioned toward the outdoor bistro just left of the curb. "Are you a bitter or sweet coffee drinker-- oh wait no! Let me guess perhaps tea? "

[lillaydee]

Shhh!!! Part 3

Celebrity!Joel Miller / F Reader

A reluctant celebrity contractor who has closed his heart for love meets a celebrity-hating Cafe on Wheels owner...

She HATES him. Thing is, he couldn't get enough of the coffee she makes...

Tag List:

@kirsteng42 @peelieblue @harriedandharassed @joelalorian @vickie5446 @inept-the-magnificent @maried01 @brittmb115 @peedrow @lovefreylove

Let me know if you would like to be added/removed from the tag list.

Dividers by the awesome @saradika

Header by Moi cause I learned how to use Canva! Yay me!

WARNINGS: Grumpy Joel (The Last of Us), Protective Joel (The Last of Us), Good Parent Joel (The Last of Us), Joel is Bad at Feelings (The Last of Us), Alternate Universe - No Cordyceps Outbreak (The Last of Us), Joel Needs a Hug (The Last of Us), Celebrity Joel Miller, Fluff and Angst, Eventual Smut, I'm Bad At Tagging, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Tags May Change, Hurt Joel (The Last of Us), Jealousy.

SERIES MASTER LIST

Part 2

You’re just gonna say it.

You fucking hate celebrities.

Particularly ones who barked at you thinking you wanted a selfie when all you tried to do was be nice to them.

And those who your ex went crazy for and dumped you over the phone for simply because she was a celebrity, and showed interest in him.

Fuck celebrities. Fuck them all.

Okay, maybe that was a bit much. They’re not all bad.

Growing up in Hollywood, spending time at a popular café all your life, you were used to seeing them around. You’d met all sorts. Sure, there were snobby ones, but then again non celebrities could be snobby too. Part and parcel of being in the service industry. There were also celebrities who were the friendly, kind, sweet ones, nonchalant ones, blend-in-the-crowd ones – all patrons of your late Dad’s. Some even knew him by name, some even went to his funeral.

BUT.

The ones that stood out to you were the ones who cemented your idea of celebrity. The rude and entitled ones. It was a one-two combo that made you want to shove your fist down their throats. These were the ones who were basically that one drop of vinegar in a communal bucket of milk. Just spoiled everything for everyone.

And no, you were not the only one annoyed by them either. You could still see the faces of the long line of people in the café when some assistant pushed their way to the front of the line, telling everyone they were ordering for so and so from that show, and if met with resistance, the celebrity themselves made an appearance, ignoring the insults and proceeding to hold the line, unable to make up their minds as to what to order.

Not to mention the restrictions to their coffee. You could understand being careful with what was put in their coffees for health and dietary reasons - after all, everyone deserves to enjoy their cuppa, but sometimes, the demands can be just ridiculous.

One seemingly clueless songstress demanded a latte without milk, adamant she was served some in Italy, no less. Are you sure you know coffee, hon? They have them in Milan, surely you would have them in LA?

What the fuck was latte without milk? Latte literally means milk. You didn’t even want to imagine what the Italians served her that made her think a latte without milk was possible.

And don’t even get you started about the super particular ones, the ones who insisted you go to a certain organic store for some organic sugar that cost you a few fingers, only to use exactly one teaspoon and not even finish the damn cup. Oh, and there was that one supposed teen star that wanted exactly 100 drips of espresso in her cappuccino. Like… what??? Who had the freakin time to count? Certainly not you, that’s who.

Oh, and the worst ones of all, the ones who you had literally never heard of before in your life, who thought they were such a big deal that they got annoyed at you for not knowing who they were. Those were the ones who would snap their fingers at you like you were their personal butler. No amount of money in the world would get you to respond to someone’s finger snaps. No sirree.

And lately, it’s the freakin influencers. I have 20,000 followers. If you comp my bill, I will post about your cute little café and you’ll get loads of new customers.

First of all, cute little café? 

Honey.

This one was one of 30 branches. And second of all… you didn’t even have enough time to serve the currently long line of customers you had because you were standing right there telling her she had to pay seven dollars for her girly ice blended. It’s okay. You’ll risk not having more customers. Of course, she went online and complained about you being a boomer who didn’t know who she was.

If you could shake her, she would be a cocktail right now.

Oh, and did you mention you went to high school with a famous actress who decided that since you two ‘went way back’ - she talked to you one time, called you Layla instead of Lily, yeah… sure… you ‘went way back’ alright - she didn’t need to pay for the coffee and pastries her entourage ordered, much less left a tip? She’s worth millions, and she wouldn’t pay for coffee.

Dave knew this irk you had with celebrities. And he found it cute – he thought living in LA was awesome, celebrities around every corner. He grew up in the sticks and was awestruck by the glamour of it all. Got all tongue-tied when one walked into his vicinity. He got told to ‘move out of my way, boy’ once by an elderly action star, and it was the highlight of his life – literally the first story he told you when the two of you met all those years ago, extremely proud of the encounter despite admitting that the man stared at him as if he was nothing more than gum at the bottom of his shoe. You had rolled your eyes and ignored him then, but he sort of pursued you, and before long, you couldn’t help but find him rather endearing.

The two of you dated for 12 years, but didn’t live together. He told you he was not into that, that living together was only for married people. And you didn’t see what the rush was, so you just went along with it. You thought you were happy, just living your lives in separate togetherness.

The two of you loved each other, of course, but you were very different people. He was a party guy, you were a homebody. Your idea of an ideal evening was a quiet night in, a good book, some nice, soft music, or a movie or two. His was hanging out with his much younger co-workers, coming home with a buzz at the very least, waking up with a hangover the next day, one that lingered longer and longer as he got older.

It was during one of those parties that he met Cleo. God knows what she said to him, because he called you at three in the morning, leaving a voicemail saying that he was head over heels in love and that your time together had come to an end. He sent his buddy over to your place to drop off your box of belongings from his place, and to collect his from yours. According to the guy, Cleo approached him, talked to him for a bit, and the two proceeded to make out for hours.

That must’ve been heaven for him. She was young and very much the ‘it’ girl back then. She was everywhere, on TV, the movies, the adverts, the whole shebang. He simply couldn’t resist her charms, his buddy told you. And despite his scepticism in cohabitating while unmarried, he moved in with her right away.

The sad thing was you didn’t even feel upset at first. You accepted that your relationship had plateaued some time ago. You had gotten to a point where you only saw each other on a weekly basis, and that, only for a couple of hours, and didn’t miss each other much in between. Gone were the days of endless texting and hours-long phone calls, the mushy dialogues and the inability to get your hands off each other. In fact, by the time he broke it off, the two of you hadn’t had sex in months. So perhaps the make-out session shorted his brain? You had no idea, and you didn’t even care. You got used to seeing him on the red carpet with her – well, not as her date, more like part of her entourage. She was always paired with some hot young star of the moment for the cameras, part of the publicity to keep her in the spotlight, he had told you.

When your Dad died, a year after the break up, he came to the funeral, stood next to you and Jenny, head hung in respect. After, he walked you to your car and gave you a long hug as you sobbed into his shoulder. He was a familiar in your life, you had known him for 13 years at that point. It was an intimate, vulnerable moment for the both of you. Even he was crying – his own father passed when he was just a toddler, and your Dad was kind to him. Your teary moment came to a screeching halt, quite literally, as Cleo screamed at you after pulling him off you, telling you to keep your grubby, coffee stained hands off him. She spewed post after post on her social media, snidely remarking on how some women couldn’t let go, warning others to beware of opportunists who would use the loss of a life as a manipulation tactic to steal other women’s men.

You hadn’t heard from Dave since, and you were not in the mood to contact him either, especially since he stood there like a chump as she made a scene at your Dad’s funeral. She, however, made it her mission to stalk your whereabouts for about a year, going to wherever your truck was parked, making a scene, buying coffee only to then leave a bad review, only stopping once your Uncle Bill threatened a lawsuit against her.

So, yeah, you hated celebrities.

As for your love life, you were beyond your mid-30s when you started dating again. You did go on a few first dates, only to come home after each one feeling like you would be so much better off alone. Going on first dates when you were pushing 40 was… interesting. It was astounding how much less crap you were willing to settle for, and how obvious the red flags were. One guy took you to an Indian restaurant and had to leave early because of… erm… indigestion. One completely ignored you and spent the entirety of the date trying to coax his wailing ex-wife on the phone - she had gone completely mental upon finding out he finally went out on a date. One guy kept receiving text messages from his mother, only to admit he still lived with her – she was just excited he was out on a date, you know? Just giving him tips on how to behave.

The last guy seemed completely normal and interesting, all the way until the end of the date, when he took your offer to split the bill, which was completely fine, you did prefer to pay your own way after all. Except, the bill that arrived was for eight people, not two. He had ordered take out for his six teenage children, who he had conveniently forgotten to tell you about.

So, you decided no more dates. You’re just gonna stay single. It wasn’t exactly abnormal to be single these days. You have your own business, a cute little apartment, you’ll be alright. Sure, you might die alone and not be found until someone complained about the smell, but that was neither here nor there. It’s not like your cause of death would be ‘death by singledom’. To your knowledge, at least, no one had ever died from being single. So you put your head down and focused on work, doing what you loved the most. Overcharge people for legal addictive substances.

You loved this new setup you had. Small business, you had a handful of regulars, you had something to do with your time, made enough to pay your bills. Less headache. Less stress. Less worries. You liked that you were busy for a couple of hours in the morning, and then had some time chilling and eating food from the trucks next door for lunch after the lunch rush. You liked that the kids from the rec centre came to hang out with you, despite the fact that they made you feel so fucking old.

And best of all, you liked that no celebrities came to buy coffee here from you, the lot usually only visited by the people working in the surrounding areas and the rec centre. You could use a life away from all that. But now, you discovered that a celebrity had just gotten a free coffee from you – a free coffee made of six shots of espresso that you gave him out of spite, just because he was rude to you.

Great. Just great.

“Hey Lil?” Ellie finally piped up, having served the final customer for the afternoon. You were wiping the tables outside, waiting for the lunch you ordered from the truck next door to arrive. “Can we talk?” She looked nervous.

You sat down after throwing the rug in the sink, washing your hands. She sat opposite you, fiddling with her shirt.

“I’m sorry about my old man. He’s a bit… well… he’s… you see… my old man’s kind of…”

“Famous,” you finished the sentence for her. Her eyes snapped at you in shock. “Frank told me. He didn’t know your Dad was famous either. Not that it matters, but how come you’ve never told us?”

“Well, he doesn’t like it if we do. And to be honest, we don’t like it either. Telling people about it, I mean. As soon as people know who he is, we all get treated differently. I get away with it a lot more than Sarah does. She has his last name. And she was seen with him a lot since he got famous. But Lil, Joel is not like that. He’s not that kind of celebrity. He doesn’t even see himself as one.”

You scoffed. Sure. Someone who didn’t see himself as a celebrity would snap at people supposedly wanting selfies. Ellie immediately went on his defence.

“It’s what usually happens. People would walk up to us as we were eating at a restaurant for selfies. Follow him into the bathroom, that sort of thing. Sarah told me people would come up all the time and just shove a camera in front of his face. And if he said no or get annoyed, it would be all over social media. Joel Miller was rude, all that. He didn’t choose this life you know. When he started this he was just thinking about Sarah, he wanted to give her everything he could. He never thought everyone would have a camera in their hands at one point, or that he would get this well known.”

“If he hates it so much, why doesn’t he just quit?”

She looked contemplative for a while. “Lil, it’s not that I don’t want to share, but having been in his life all this while, I just want to protect his privacy, you know? You have no idea how many times people in his life said something – something they didn’t even consider something, and the media just blew up as soon as they found out. When Sarah was little, Uncle Tommy got her one of those baby dolls that you could feed and change their diapers for Christmas, you know the ones? Well, she told her friends at pre-school that Uncle Tommy was giving her a baby for Christmas. Their parents heard and went to the news – apparently you get paid a lot of money for information like that back then, and suddenly the gossip columns were filled with the news that Uncle Tommy supposedly got someone pregnant and was giving his baby away. It was ridiculous. So I’d rather not say anything, you know?”

Tony from the next truck came over with the lunch you ordered for the both of you. As you unwrapped your sandwich, Ellie pleaded with you to forgive her old man again.

“Please Lil, he didn’t mean it. I think he was just worried I’d gone missing or something. I was usually waiting for him up front. It’s one of the reasons why I wanted to get a car. I hate seeing him worry like that. He’s busy, but he wanted to be there for me and Sarah, you know? Please Lil? He’s a good guy. I promise. He didn’t have to take me in, but he did. I have a good life now, because of him. I... I don’t know what would have happened to me if he didn’t step up.”

She was fiddling with the sandwich in front of her, looking so forlorn and hopeful at the same time, begging you to forgive her Dad.

Damn it. Now you felt bad.

Uh oh.

“Erm… I might have done something bad…” you told her, your eyes wide, your teeth showing in an attempt to cringe and show regret at the same time.

“What? What did you do?”

“He… uh… he came by this morning for a cuppa and I might have… erm… served him a lot of espresso instead of the usual americano…”

She spat her sandwich out, “He came in for fancy coffee?” She looked disbelieving for a second, "Which size? How many shots?”

You cringed, told her the largest cup you had, and held up six fingers.

"I did top off the six shots with water, though..." you added, still looking guilty.

She snorted and began howling with laughter. She finally waved her hand at you, “Man’s used to deadly potent burnt coffee. He’ll be fine.”

“How do you burn coffee?”

“He has this ancient coffee machine that’s only a year younger than Sarah. Refused to throw it out. That thing is beyond broken. That’s how you burn coffee. And short the house.”

You snorted. “Why doesn’t he just get a new one?”

She shrugged, but you could tell she was holding something back.

“So… he came in for coffee… did he apologize?”

“Nah… I was busy. I didn’t really give him the chance.”

“But you will let him if he comes again tomorrow?”

You couldn’t even pretend. You were touched by her pleas. Fine, you’ll give him another chance.

The next morning, Joel waited in the truck after dropping Ellie off for attempt number two to apologize to you. He had the script locked in his head now, determined to at least get the words out to you. Tell you how sorry he was for snapping at you. Thank you for giving his daughter a job. That he would never bother you again, just please, forgive him.

And while he was at it, he could get another cup of that extra strong coffee you gave him yesterday. He may have left feeling down and flustered that he couldn’t get the apology out of his mouth when facing you, but he did feel energized after that cup. He needed one, since his machine was still broken. Not because he liked the coffee or anything. He was still staunchly against overpriced, fancy coffee. He was just an average American who needed his morning cup of Joe. Which was why he was still in his truck instead of going out when Ellie did. Ellie and Sarah must never know he bought coffee here. The idea that they would tease him for deliberately getting fancy coffee was beyond a nightmare. Nope. So he was going to wait until Ellie walked in to class before going for another try. At an apology, not the coffee. He could do without that cup, obviously. But since he was here and all. Might as well.

He was about to leave the truck when Tommy called. They had another meeting with Angela that morning, to pick up their discussion from two days before. The current contract was for another year. He was already reluctant about this coming year. The show basically consisted of one main, large project a year, where the progress of the massive project was portrayed in every episode, along with remodels for other houses or office spaces which would be completed weekly. Smaller DIY slots were interspersed with the main two projects. All of which required shooting, him being away from home much of the day. Taking time away from the ability to take genuine contracts away from the cameras, honest work that gave him joy. Time away from his daughters.

The plan for the next year was locked. The main project was to basically remodel an entire mansion. He was sceptical about the timeline. This mansion had 20 rooms and 11 bathrooms. They usually build and shoot for nine months out of the year. This large project, along with the smaller, but still considerable projects and the DIY slots to boot, all to be filmed within nine months. He just didn’t see it happening. He knew for a fact that they will run long. He was getting tired of it all. Sarah would be home in the coming year. He wanted to spend time with her and Ellie.

“Tommy.”

“Joel, where are you?”

“Just dropped Ellie off. I thought I had another hour and a half?”

“You do. I just wanted to talk to you before. Come on Joel, just five more years. Think of the money we could make. We could demand more if we renew. I need the money to pay for everything Joel. You can’t just think about yourself here.”

“What do you mean you need money to pay for everything? You have money.”

“I’m not like you Joel. My house, my staff, my cars, I need to maintain them all. Not all of us live the way you do, Joel. Not all of us do our own chores and just have weekly cleaning ladies. And not all of us drive beat up pickups Joel. Some of us have standards.”

Joel was beginning to lose his patience again. He had had enough of Tommy’s whining. It was his choice to buy a mansion with more rooms than he needed. It was his own choice to have a fleet of cars, some of which he never even drove. It was his choice to buy thousand dollar wallets and a wardrobe that could rival the men’s department at any malls. It was his choice to buy a collection of watches, the price of some of them could feed a small country. And now he was complaining that he didn’t have enough, despite the millions he had earned. He was earning much more than Joel, in fact, never shying away from the modelling contracts and endorsements. And yet, it wasn’t enough. It was never enough. It would never be enough.

“I’m not stopping you from going on, Tommy. You go ahead. But me, I’m done. I want to spend my time with my girls. I want to rest, enjoy my hard work. Be away from the spotlight for once.”

“Come on, you think people would still want to watch if you’re no longer involved? It’s called ‘Build with the Millers’, Joel. We both need to sign on. Where are you even gonna go, Joel?”

“I don’t want to talk about this Tommy. My mind is made up. I have more important things to think about than money. Maybe you should grow up and find other things to focus on. Some things are forever. But looks and fame go away, Tommy.”

“That’s exactly why we need to get it while we can, brother. Think about it. Please.”

“Maybe no one’s told you this, Tommy, but money isn’t everything. It doesn’t buy you happiness. Tell me you’re happier now than you were when we were scrounging for contracts back when Mama was still around.”

“Think about the girls. Don’t you want them to be taken care of if anything happens to you? You want to leave them with nothing?”

“My girls will have plenty left to them, and even if they didn’t, they were raised to live without extravagance, Tommy.”

“So was I!”

“And yet, here you are, a greedy little boy, crying about how his millions are not enough!”

Tommy hung up.

Great. He knew what he was going to face later this morning, now. He looked at the old, cheap watch Sarah got him on his birthday when she turned 14. He smiled thinking about that year. It was 80 dollars, a lot of money for someone her age. She had stolen 20 dollars from him to be able to pay for the watch – she couldn’t save enough from her babysitting jobs by the time his birthday came around. No amount of gold plated Rolexes could rival the price of that watch.

The watch that was telling him he had a little over an hour to get to his meeting. Damn Tommy, he didn’t realize how much time he spent talking to him on the phone. He rushed out of the truck and walked around the building to get to your lot. There were two people in line. Good. He didn’t exactly have much time. Traffic could be really bad at this hour.  

A young couple ran past him and stood behind the second person in line. Great. Joel ran a little to get behind them. The older lady at the front of the line was taking a little time to decide what she wanted. You were so patient with her, he thought, his foot tapping slightly from the urgency he was feeling. The couple in front of him were starting to make out a little, Joel taking a step back to give them some privacy, though he was cringing a little bit at such PDA. You finished serving the lady. The man after asked for some complicated drink he had never heard of, and you went about making his drink, surprisingly quickly considering he couldn’t even pronounce the drink without scrambling his brain. The couple was starting to moan, the girl practically climbing the boy, right there in front of your coffee truck. Joel looked away, his foot tap-tapping a bit louder, arms crossed on his chest.

You finished serving the second man. But the couple wasn’t stopping. You called out to them, asking them what they could get for them. They didn’t stop. The making out got a bit more aggressive, in fact. Joel had had enough.

“Excuse me,” he said, nudging the boy’s foot with his boot. The couple finally separated, a look of annoyance on their faces. “You might want to order now, some of us have places to be,” Joel said, pointing at you.

The girl’s face morphed from annoyance to excitement. “Oh my God, you’re Joel Miller! I love you! Can I get a picture?”

“I’m in a hurry, please order,” he pleaded, trying hard not to lose his composure. The last thing he needed was for you to see him lose his cool again.

“Oh, come on, just one picture. I’ll be really quick,” she said, as she raised her phone and leaned into him, snapping a quick photo, his grumpy face just in the frame. She didn’t like it. She leaned in again, asking him to smile. He looked at you pleadingly, as she snapped yet another picture.

“What can I get you sir, miss?” you asked, a little louder, still with a smile on your face. You could see how annoying this would be for him. You could also see he was trying hard not to snap.

The boy ordered his drink. You keyed it in, looking at the girl for her order. She hummed and oohed for a while, unable to decide, so you started his coffee while you waited. She still couldn’t decide. Three more people joined the line behind Joel as she contemplated what she wanted, taking her own sweet time, all the while wrapping herself around her partner.

Joel found himself taking deep, deep breaths, willing himself not to lose it. He was so tempted to just scream at this young thing, so self-absorbed she had no problem invading his personal space, twice, and then taking her own sweet time inconveniencing those behind her. Two more people joined the line, making a total of six people she was holding up with her indecisiveness. After what felt like forever, she finally ordered an iced lemon tea. Joel swore he could see you almost roll your eyes behind your sweet, dimply smile, turning around to get it for her, while this girl, completely oblivious to the emotional turmoil she had caused, turned round and asked Joel for another selfie, since he wasn’t smiling in the first two.

You gave her the tea, and the boy paid, but the girl kept pestering Joel for another selfie. He ignored her, simply asking you to please make him the coffee you made him the day before, he didn’t know the name. The girl now asked you what he ordered. You ignored her, too, making his coffee for him. The boy finally had enough and pulled his girlfriend away from the truck, angry whispering at her for causing such a scene, as she sulked away, still unable to grasp how childish she was being.

When she finally left, you, along with Joel and all the customers in line heaved a sigh of relief. You quickly made his drink. He decided he would talk to you that evening instead, seeing as two more people had now joined the line, including a man who looked even grumpier than he was. You placed his drink on the sill, so he reached inside his pocket to get his wallet, only to realize it wasn’t there. He panicked, and asked you to serve the next customer first, running off to his truck before you could say anything.

When he came back, he went to the front of the line to get his drink and pay. The grumpy man drew an exaggerated breath and shouted at him.

“Hey Miller, get back here. Just because you are who you are doesn’t mean you could just cut the line!”

“I was just going to pay, I left my wallet in my truck,” Joel defended himself, his impatience and anger beginning to surface.

“I don’t fucking care. You left, you don’t get to just cut the line. We all have places to be.”

“It’s okay, Joel,” you gently said, “It’s on the…”

“I can pay for my own fucking coffee!” he snapped at you.

Oh… hell no.

“Fine,” you said, just as the realization that he had snapped at you, yet again, surfaced for Joel, his eyes closing, frustrated with himself. “One americano with six shots of espresso. That’ll be 40 dollars.”

His head snapped from taking his card out to looking at you. “What?”

“The espresso is five dollars a shot.”

“Six shots make 30 dollars, which is still robbing me way blind, by the way,” he seethed.

“That’s right. Ten dollars is a ‘fuck you, I don’t like you’ tax,” you raged right back, keyed in the price and shoved the card reader to his face.

(Shout out to @hiddenbabynyc for giving me this awesome tax line)

He tapped his card, a little too aggressively, took his coffee and huffed away from your truck as the grumpy man shouted profanities at him, congratulating you for getting back at an entitled celebrity.

Joel slammed the door to his truck closed, still seething. 40 dollars for a cup of coffee? You are nuts. A blind-robbing, coffee-riddled, hoity-toity nutcase. He was gonna have to talk Ellie into finding another job. No way was he going to let her work for someone as snobbish as you.

But… he did pay for that coffee, and his Mama taught him never to waste food. So he took a sip.

And just like that, his eyes involuntarily closed, and your dimply smile filled his head.

He could never go back there. But at least he now knew what coffee that was. He could get it elsewhere.

Or maybe, he could try and fix that damn coffee machine of his.

Part 4

[afsosville]

Time to over-analyze things with limited canonical information just because. Here are some of the reasons why Qing Jing may have been a hindrance to Shen Jiu's emotional development and solidified his corruption arc>>

Qing Jing was like the perfect peak to let all his mental wounds fester if you think about it.

Shen Jiu acting like nobility or an educated young master (as most disciples of Qing Jing are) is purely a coping mechanism. It literally screams masking! While the exact circumstances of how he got chosen for Qing Jing is unknown, we can assume he didn't have a choice since most disciples typically just follow their new master to wherever they take them from the selection grounds (with the exception of Bai Zhan lol). He was most likely hoisted onto the Qing Jing peak lord, as no master would've wanted him because of his fucked up meridians and late age. They acquiesced to take him anyway coz of Yue Qingyuan's/the sect leader's insistance. And because it's Shen Jiu, he would naturally do whatever it took to get to the top, and if he started acting like the very sort of people he hates, then so be it.

You can imagine how disastrous imitating his abusers is going to be (he's imitating noblemen in general, but he's definitely taking the Qiu's as a primary example). Shen Jiu clearly is trying to remove and forget everything about his past, and even accepts the rumours of him being a spoiled young master to cast away suspicion. He is coping hard. Not to mention, he was named QingQIU when he became Qing Jing's succeeding disciple. Listen I don't care if it was a bad coincidence or not but that doesn't endear me to Shen Jiu's shizun in the slightest (I'm only talking abt SJ's shizun in canon, not fics, the fics are great. But it's more than likely that SJ's shizun was negligent or abusive as well. Here's why I think that). Between all of this, there's no way he's processing any of that trauma when he's constantly forced to remember all of it. No wonder he slipped into the abuser role easily since he's literally out here actually being made to copy their behavior.

Qing Jing and even the rest of Cang Qiong were always hostile to Shen Jiu, even in his discipleship. These ppl went out of their way to run interventions on Shen Jiu when he's minding his own business. Yes I'm talking abt the whole brothel thing. There were doubtlessly so many disciples who went for the very reasons Shen Jiu was assumed of going for, so why is he the only one getting shit for it? Not only was going to brothels not even a crime worthy of conviction, it was even normalized to an extent. And it would've been so easy to figure out if he really was going for anything "lecherous" by just asking the women there. The fact that, that whole ordeal was never cleared up just shows they didn't actually care about the women or what he was supposedly doing to them. They only cared because it was Shen Jiu who was involved.

Shen Jiu being on any other peak would change things for sure even if it's marginally. Its probably just wistful thinking, but I know at least half of those peaks, even the fanon ones, would be better than Qing Jing at any rate. Again, Shen Jiu would claw his way up and try to succeed any way he can, so if he were put on another peak that would be a somewhat healthy environment for him, he would do well, regardless of the peak. Him doing well on Qing Jing doesn't mean anything other than showing off his awesome(horrible and problematic) coping skills. So really, I can't help but think Qing Jing wasn't a good fit for him, especially with Shen Jiu's specific brand of trauma.

I did a pole once asking if Shen Jiu would've done better on another peak, or if they were just curious to see him anywhere else, and I'm not surprised that the most voted for peak was Yin Hui, the fanon peak for espionage and assassins. Now I'm going to go another tangent why Yin Hui would be good for him later.

[3lliana]

BOBBY BROWN HCS PART 2!!

would have insane only child syndrome, and not like the spoiled type, like the lonely type where he feels like no matter how many people are around in his house hes still feels hes the only one who feels the way he does.

is really good with kids/baby sitting. i imagine him having a big family with some younger cousins hes had to babysit.

closest with tommy. real close with all of them but say something happens hes running to tommy.

HUGEEE EMPATH. especially towards animals.

dog person 10000% he would have a Rottweiler or a st. Bernard.

went to church from 3-11 and stopped going at 12-14 for a little bit, but went after some of his friends went.

would scream the most random things in class and blame it on his friends "OH MY GOD HELP ME!!!" "johnny why would you say that!"

his teachers either love him or hate him, no in between.

when his family first moved to California he lived in the more poor area then they did for a year or two (till he was about six) but his dad got a promotion and they moved to a better part of town. (where they currently live.)

(modern) he would play siege or cod. any kind of shooting game he would have installed on ANY device.

has a separate space where he parks his motorcycle in his garage because you know he does NOT play about that motorcycle.

when they first moved to the richer area of California (where they live currently) he thought the beach was AWESOME. he still does, but that was a new discovery.

was a "why" kid. "get your shoes on and get in the car" "why?" "because we have to go to the store" "why?"

is surprisingly good at drawing animals and people, moreso animals.

knows all about marvel, DC, any like super hero related thing hes an expert on.

therapist friend.

his favorite color is blue.

chronic caffeine drinker.

(modern day) would always have a Celsius or some sort of energy drink on/with him.

had to get braces when he was like 10 but absolutely refused and hated the idea and said they would make him look "weird" so his teeth just are a bit crooked.

has a scar on his lip from when him and the gang were messing around at the beach when they were like 14 and he fell and bit his lip hard.

they all go to the same country club that Johnny goes to.

summer is definitely is favorite season and he HATES being cold. (but will sleep with a fan on??)

(bonus jimmy hc!!) Jimmy's the type of kid to say "the teachers target me!!" while throwing a desk 30mph across the classroom.

[ilovescaredysquirrel2]

So I watched that Under the Boardwalk movie and it's surprisingly amazing? + my thoughts on other upcoming movies

Okay, when my friend texted me the trailer I was shocked to find out it was by Nickelodeon and Paramount (When I think of Nickelodeon I think of perverted jokes in trashy sitcoms and cartoons) but when Nickelodeon actually has something good, I'm surprised! I feel like I have sort of a love-hate relationship with Nickelodeon stuff as I do with Disney, but there's more stuff by Nickelodeon that I love more than there is Disney, and I mostly have more nostalgia for Nickelodeon (I'm not like other people 0w0). There was literally one foot joke in the movie! Just one! Not filled with dirty jokes either, and it had a good message!

The message and the songs were actually amazing and the characters were adorable and sweet! They actually had amazing character development, which I wasn't expecting from this movie. Armen and Ramona had a cute relationship with Armen being the scared one at first but then turns to being the braver one, and Ramona being the wildcard and adventurous one but ending up needing rescued in the end. They could have done the whole "damsel in distress needs rescued by guy" type of thing that I get sick of seeing in old Disney movies, but they didn't! Ramona's sister, Shelly was adorable as well, and she was deaf and couldn't hear but she didn't let that stop her from trying to save her sister! I also love how the big tough guy Bobby had a soft side and didn't pick on Armen like we would expect him to. Like, the big tough strong crabs were actually Armen's friends and supported him even though he wasn't like them. Also, can we talk about the villain? Like, it was cool to see the posh spoiled rich boy be the villain but also just a guy you gotta hate (he tried hitting on Ramona, Shelly, and their mom which was weird). Like, they combined the snobby spoiled rich mama's boy traits with also making him a womanizer and full of himself. Almost like Victor Quartermaine but without the lip fillers, and more of a flirty womanizer. (spoilers; even the villain, Meiko, got redemption in the end). I also liked how they showed the humans in the story as well. They didn't try and make the humans seem all evil but still had the dumb human antagonist who gave them different shells and tried to sell them, but that's only a minor part in the movie and not the main conflict which is a plus! Like, I don't like when animal movies try to make all the humans seem evil (I kind of like how the movie Barnyard, which is also Paramount and Nickelodeon, did kind of the same thing where the animals weren't afraid of being eaten by humans, they were just trying to hide from them).

I also noticed other details I thought was cool, besides the fact that they made fun of... you know who **cough cough dirty dan**, with the one foot joke. Or at least I hope they were making fun of him (at a scene where Armen and Ramona were in a photobooth together they were going through filters and Armen ended up as a foot and Ramona was laughing at him). I also love that this movie was a musical and included songs that fit in with the "cheesy teen beach musical" type of vibes, but they also made it take place in New Jersey and the conflict was focused around the sea crabs coming up and bothering the land crabs. It was also a good anti-racism type of symbolism because they were both crabs, and it's not the same as what Zootopia or Sheep & Wolves did and use other animals (although Sheep & Wolves is still a great movie). Like, I can't ship a fox and a rabbit but I can ship a sea crab and a land crab because they're BOTH CRABS! I noticed a lot of other little details in it and I'm really proud of Paramount on this one! I don't understand but I'm curious to know if they have an animation studio in Italy, since I saw the Italian flag in the background of some scenes. If they do have an animation studio there, then that's awesome! If not, it's still fine, I'm just curious! I'm an American and I support other countries when it comes to them making animated family movies. Just to see a smaller foreign studio make a movie that's better than what Disney puts out...

Also, I'm still pumped up about Butterfly Tale and I'm furious that it won't be released in the U.S any time soon. If you're in Canada, please go see Butterfly Tale and give that smaller studio some support because Butterfly Tale looks like an amazing movie and my friend loved it! And idc about this knock off Chicken Run sequel dawn of the nugget or some crap, I still consider Chicken Run a DreamWorks movie and I don't want Netflix and Sam Fell to ruin what was once amazing. This Chicken Run 2 looks so dumb and they ruined the movie, this is totally a knock off, no telling me otherwise. DreamWorks isn't working on it and Aardman only works on it because they're being forced to by Netflix. At least I can still support DreamWorks by going to see Trolls 3, but the villain designs look hideous (at least we get that Broppy romance), and i doubt that it'll beat Under the Boardwalk or Butterfly Tale.

nyway, tell me your thoughts on what I said in either of these paragraphs and feel free to state your opinions, even if you don't agree!

[dufferpuffer]

James also acts very poorly when he was a teen, what would you say the differences and similarities are between him and Draco? (I do feel like jkr was definitely drawing parallels with him, Draco and Dudley. Especially when we see 11 yr old James on the train, the way he talks about sorting is very similar to how Draco did, just they fall on different sides, but the arrogance is still there. Also I feel Dudley’s gang in the beginning of ootp is another parallel to the marauders behavior in swm) (I also find it interesting that James bullying is more extreme/cruel/violent than Draco’s even though Draco has more of a reason to be prone to violence than James (he seems to actually be adverse to it, like in HBP)

'as a teen' - honestly I think James acts poorly as a bloody adult lol

Dudleys gang = Marauders is so big brain, you've blown my mind, that's actually awesome And pulls Harry right in to being comparable to Severus

I think the biggest difference in the upbringing of Draco and James, both raised bullying, rich, spoiled Purebloods - is James was raised with the idea that it's what you DO that gives you worth. While the Malfoys just believe they have worth, for WHAT they are.

James goes around and fights the bad guys. Sirius chooses to ditch his 'bad-guy' family. Remus chooses to 'be a good werewolf'. I don't even know what Peter did to be fair - they were just mean to him. Lily is a talented Muggleborn in a time where that's dangerous.

Severus? No matter how much they beat him down he keeps doing more bad stuff, he digs his heels in and becomes 'worse'. Which means he is choosing to knowingly be a 'bad-guy' Because James, as a kid, seems to see the world in B&W. He can say hurtful things to his friends because he proves himself as good. He can hurt Severus because Severus is bad. He has never had to understand context and differing viewpoints. Maybe that changed a little from the prank: His friend doing something quite bad to Severus, Remus and Dumbledore... but was still a good guy. Draco just... IS good. BORN good. He can sit on his high horse and sneer at people because he was born one of the 'good guys'. It's annoying to him when someone born a 'bad guy' gets so much attention... and for what? A stupid scar? (thats something he and Harry would agree with: Harry hates the attention he gets for his stupid scar, too.)

Draco doesn't need to prove anything. The idea of getting his hands dirtied is grotesque - he is too good for that! Draco can whinge and complain about a broken arm because that dangerous dirty half-giant is a menace to good society! Thats all I feel about it right now, uh... cool ask :) makes me brain brr

[shadowsandsunset]

Spoilers for s7e5 9-1-1 under cut:

So I'm watching live and I am missing parts because of a tornado warning but:

Opening? Funny as hell. Poor Eddie. His poor balls.

Karen and Hen preparing for a baby with Chim and Maddie and then not getting a baby? But a little girl age 9? Interesting.

Buck being awkward and closeted with Tommy.

Eddie interrupting? Marisol moving in? Ooooof.

Tommy being like "I don't think you're ready" ow my heart. He's absolutely right to do so. Love Tommy!

Hen and Karen meeting the little girl.

Tornado warning. Ugh. Btw, I'm out of the path of the tornado warning, it's further south of me but I'm getting the warning anyway.

Buck going to Maddie for advice and then playing the pronoun game "this person".

Maddie catching on... "Now you're more than an ally"

Then.... "it's the same Tommy... Eddie's friend..." With a frankly judgy stare Lmfao

Maddie is giving good advice even if taken off guard but being supportive like we knew she would be. Maddie is awesome.

Then Eddie and Marisol in bed in the next scene...her boxes everywhere.

Also hello shirtless Eddie, welcome back, good to see ya.

Marisol was almost a fucking Nun??? Eddie making jokes about being spanked...

Back to the little traumatized girl with Hen and Karen. Karen and Hen are such good moms. This poor kid tho. I don't know what has happened to this kid but goddamn, my heart.

Ooh Buck what are you doing with Eddie... Eddie is being weird about the nun thing lol and talking about his reservoir of Catholic guilt

"like sea monkeys" "no"

Something something tornado warning

"I haven't been able to...you know...since I found out"

"which is why you're so pent up"

Buck backing out of telling Eddie about his recent sexual exploration...

Hen and Cap talking about the traumatized girl. This is heartbreaking. The whole situation is heartbreaking. Poor Denny, he's such a a good kid. But like...why isn't this girl in therapy of some sort? Shit. Like...shit. I hate the US healthcare system. But something is going on and like...idk.

Again, this tornado warning is annoying. I'm missing half the convos and my closed captions aren't working properly.

Hen and Karen are struggling, which I understand, and I think they're trying but with cases like this...

Now Eddie and Cap are talking about Marisol... And his commitment issues... I swear to God Cap was going to say "military, your job, ... Buck" lmfao

"I would probably go to confession, wouldn't want to get on her ex's bad side...the Lord"

Dog attack? Parallels to the little girl? Ooh, heavy handed metaphors...

Wait, does Hen just know dog CPR? Cool.

Oh yay, the dog doesn't die! Hen is now committed to helping the little girl.

Mara is the little girl's name, Athena is helping... The girl's parents were criminals, died to OD. The girl called 911. This poor kid.

Buck and Eddie... Ooof. I'm not spoiling this. I love you all. Ok.

I will say Eddie didn't seem super surprised about it but the fucking tornado warning drowned out half of the scene. I am pissed. I'm going to have to rewatch this later.

Buck is the cutest little bisexual and I love him. I really do.

Eddie...and Marisol. Nuns. Moving In. Not moving in. Blah blah don't care. Sorry not sorry.

More with this new kid and Karen. God, Hen is lucky AF. Karen is amazing and I want to marry her.

Buck and Tommy! Yes. Yessss. Awwww. I love them. Buck is growing up! Tommy is fucking amazing. He's so gentle and kind and and awwwww.

The boys showing up for the wedding like that... lmfao. Omg. We gotta wait two weeks for The Hangover: 9-1-1 edition.

This episode is not what we wanted for Buddie but uh... There is still time? Maybe? There's always fanfiction.

Also? Tommy? I like him. I hope we keep him.

Also? Friendship is never a consolation prize. If they ever end up together or not, the love is there and that matters. The love always matters.

[gogodollie]

not sure if anyone has asked this b4 but..

what pet do you think nihil and imperator prefer?

YAY AN ASK🩷

okay i’ve thought about this a lot and i’ve come to the conclusion that:

nihil + imperator as a couple own a cat (or at least a few of them in their lifetime).

nihil comes across as a dog person and he probably does love the energy that dogs have but as we know, he doesn’t have the greatest attention span or ability to care for others and unfortunately a dog is just too much work for him. i could see him maybe having a family dog as a child, maybe some effort from his mom to teach him responsibility that obviously didn’t stick. nihil is the type of person that says they hate cats and thinks they’re mean BUT the cat is always around him and laying on him and he’s always feeding it treats (despite imperator telling him that he’s going to make her cat fat).

sister on the other hand, when she was younger, loved snakes and spiders. anything considered scary really. between the religious implications of it all and how awesome she thinks it is that people are scared of them, sister holds a lot of affection for weird things. they just suit her! they don’t require holding or walks or anything like that and they don’t have any fur to ruin her clothes- they suit her lifestyle and needs perfectly. she pimps out the enclosures with satanic motifs and sigils and stuff and spoils them rotten (as she does with anything close to her cough cough copia cough). definitely forced nihil to hold her prized tarantula once even though she knows he’s deathly afraid because she thought it was funny and a good bonding activity (more like a relationship test). sister unfortunately had to rehome her beloved freaks once copia got a bit older and was absolutely horrified watching her live feed her snake so after a disastrous meltdown and crying fit, she knew it was time to pass them off. older imperator is a bit softer now and does find comfort in her pet cat (the cute tuxedo cat in rhrn) and enjoys the company, especially with copia and nihil touring.

i think the first cat they acquired was actually a stray that nihil caught under their deck and he begged sister for days to keep it. he even got the ghouls to join his effort to convince her too. sister finally agreed but they’re maybe not the smartest and hadn’t bothered taking it to the vet or noticing anything might have been off about their new pet sooooo when it decides to give birth on nihil and imperator’s bed a good week or so later once it feels safe enough, imperator is pissed. like sleeping on the couch while nihil has the cat birth bed type of pissed. it’s an extra thing to deal with that she does not have the time for especially when this was all nihil’s idea in the first place. anywho they get their shit together and manage to pass off the kittens but keep the mama because sister sort of has a soft spot for her now although she still brings up the incident. when their cat eventually passed, sister did in fact have its skeleton preserved and still keeps it on display :-)

[thessalian]

Thess vs Las Vegas, Again

I didn't want it to keep annoying me so I tried the stupid Gizmo quest again. And that was ... cooler than expected.

Right. Is it going to let me jump now? ...YES! Except that was the wrong way.

Not angled right.

FUCK.

OKAY THERE WE GO! And up the stairs we go!

Ah. Half a code. Greeeeeeeat. This is probably going to be more Playing With Crates thing, isn't it.

Yeeeeeep.

I mean, on one level, the things they've done with physics in this game are really remarkable. On the other hand, THIS IS ANNOYING.

Okay. Finally got everything stacked the way I need it to and-- Oh, fuck off ENTIRELY!

I get you wanted to make it a challenge, Guerilla, but if you want us to drag the crate, you have to not almost entirely obscure the hitbox with random set dressing!

FINALLY. Oop, outside. Well, sort of. In the dome, not in the vents. But with the way it's lit up with everything rebooted, I grant it's hard to tell.

Oh. They were used to change the lights for the holidays-- so the clovers were for St Patrick's Day, the eggs were for Easter, the hearts for Valentine's Day, the crescent moons for ... what, Eid? They included Eid? Fantastic.

WOO! Okay, heeeere gizmo gizmo gizmo...

Aaaaand we have candy canes. Christmas. Huh.

Okay. Now for Morlund's burner.

More messing with the physics THANK YOU FOR THAT.

Crate crate crate ... vent vent vent... LEAP. At least it's not as stressful as Cauldrons.

Oop. MORTE LE DRAGON! (Yes, the spelling is the same in French and English, but the pronunciation is so much not.)

Could those squeaky annoying pains in my ass have come out at the major impact? You know, DRAGON HEAD?!?

I. HATE. FIGHTING. CLOSE. UP.

Anyway. Got it. Stemmur first.

So basically if you put Stemmur, Abadund, and Morlund together, and then squished them a bit, you'd have one full Varric Tethras. And Oseram are what you get if you put together every dwarven stereotype in the known universe. Bling, ale, and forging.

Oooooh, I get to pick the holiday that shows up? ...What's Bodhi Day? I'd prefer do one I know but isn't quite so ... Western. Eid al-Fitr was more recent than most of these others, so I'll go with that one.

...Woooooooooow.

EDIT FROM THE FUTURE: Bodhi Day is "the enlightenment of Gautama Buddha". Huh. Wow.

Anyway. Off to Morlund. Here you go, Morlund--

Wait.

Waitwut.

Yeah okay, fine, I will ride your flying machine if--

He made a hot air balloon?!? Oh, that is awesome!

Stormy and some kind of machine... Do ... do I get to kill a Stormbird? DO I?!? ...I mean, assuming I survive this crash. Which I will assume because I don't think this is like Baldur's Gate 3, where one bad decision can just insta-gib you.

Yes, Morlund, I will get you out of your predicament but I will loot first!

Ah, so we need the burner because you are going to try this again. Maybe when I've fixed ELEUTHIA. So let's--

STORMBIRD! STORMBIRD YAY!

Still pretty good at hitting those weak spots, even when it's throwing a literal thunderstorm at my face-- Oop.

HA! Last sliver of health down by a shot to the neck right as it was about to breathe bullshit at me! Yes, Morlund, that was epic; thank you for your enthusiasm. It's nice to see my hard work appreciated now and then.

Morlund, you are adorable and I love your enthusiasm. You and your troupe are why I love the Oseram. Ingenious, intrepid, enthusiastic, loyal little freaks with hearts as big as their ale kegs.

(Okay fine there are some shitty ones like Ulvund and the Sons of Prometheus, but the latter don't count because they're more Sylens' people than any known tribe and the former ... well, he's probably mor an outcast than anything else right now. Those bad apples are being removed before they spoil the whole barrel.)

(Side note: YES THAT IS HOW THAT PHRASE WORKS. When people talk about, for example, the police forces only having "a few bad apples", the saying is, "A few bad apples spoils the barrel". So you remove the bad apples before they can do that. Or, in the case of most law enforcement, probably better to just set the whole barrel on fire, but never mind.)

Right. Pick up some side quests at Camp Nowhere before hanging it up for the night. 'Cos Talahna and... oh, hi, Porguf.

...Really.

......Really?!?

Yeah, that's better. Please try honesty with me, Porguf. I promise you I react to it better than steaming piles of bullshit. I will return the property you stole if I can but I gotta talk to my friend first and--

Talahna? There is more shit I don't know and you have zero idea how much I hate that but since the story demands it and I was heading in the direction of the Jungle Zone anyway, I will help you. But I want some NPC codex-dump out of you when we get there, okay? It's only because you are my friend that I'm going to trek around someplace called "The Rot".

That was the point at which I decided I was pretty much done. Yeah, I'm going through this game slowly and I definitely won't be doing a 100% completion run (I dislike melee pits and combat charger racing) but it's a pace I can manage and I'm having fun and that's all that matters.

Now I am going to raid my newly filled fridge for protein.

[fractoluminescence]

I keep getting the urge to start a blog or something that just analyzes awesome fics, but I also don't want to risk bringing attention to fics from people that weren't the target audience, since they wouldn't have explicitly looked for them, yunno? I could ask the authors, but I'm mostly on AO3 and too many wouldn't see the comment by the time I lose interest... I'm even more on the fence about it since so many authors, even ones that have a lot of experience, might not be be comfortable with their works being dissected and possibly criticizes in certain aspects. It'd all be in good fun, I'm not fond of dunking on works in the first place and tend to focus on the strength of a work, but if I want it to be usable as a learning resource of sorts I can't completely gloss over the downsides of fics either. I also risk spoiling a lot of the plot and stuff, and I know I don't follow the advice of watching a movie before listening to someone comment on it in a lot of cases, so I would assume a lot of people would do the same for this...

Hhh, I dunno. I love dissecting fics so much. But if it's gonna come with negative effects for other people, I don't know if it's worth it. The last thing I want is risk damaging the very thing I am trying to celebrate...

I could take suggestions for people's own fics, because that way I'd be sure the author would agree to the whole thing, but I struggle to keep up with things like this, since I tend to write long posts on a whim. I worry that the suggestions would just pile up and most of them would never get looked at by me at all...

There's also the issue of fics that are prime examples of what not to do. The only person who can decide that a story wasn't worth writing is its author imo, but that doesn't stop some fics from being paragons of massive flaws that could be used as studies for other people to avoid the particular issues they display. But again, I'm not very comfortable with the ethics of that. Some of the authors for these fics could be young, or insecure, or have a relationship to their writing that is very personal, and certain types of flaws could send a lot of hate their way. But referencing a fic without naming it or describing it enough that people can look it up can make the criticism so vague at times that it no longer serves the purpose it was written out for.

I just. I've been thinking about this for months, and all I can come up with is that if I ever do really start trying to help advise fic writers in their journey to improve their craft, I might have to vaguely refer to things I have witnessed at most without ever giving concrete examples. But it might work, who knows. Or I could use my own writing, but there are only so many flaws and successes I can demonstrate with the writing of a single person.

Man, I dunno. Would love to have second opinions about this, if anyone has any

[kustas]

please give matryoshka rant

A weird case of a character who's individual traits work, if not are awesome, but who in context bothers me a lot. Warning: I will indiscriminately freely spoil here major plot elements of the source material.

To sum up what this character is like: she's a sort of deuteragonist to the titular character. She's on every cover next to him and has a lot of screentime. She's a short little fat woman who is almost entirely mute, this by choice, she can talk but just doesn't do it. A defining aspect of her is in how she acts - she has completely alien priorities which manifests mostly in a total lack of care for most of what makes a human's daily life. Not talking is an example: you don't need that to survive, and she just does not care about how it makes her appear. She makes do without, so it's good.

Like most of the cast, she's a testtube baby with hard to define superhuman abilities, being likely the most powerful of the artificial humans of the story, albeit harder to judge because of the aforementioned IDGAF queen trait making her manifest it less and more discreetly. She is canonically the only female character of said artificial humans. She is also one of the only female characters of the entire series, with a few more or less minor side characters.

The author of this series has noteworthy issues with including female characters in his stories (according to the interview I'd taken the pic from, because he finds them hard to draw) so having any female character with some plot significance does represent an effort. But...man...her not talking and not participating in almost everything means she has no active role. Mind you, this is a manga where you do NOT get to hear the character's inner voices so if they don't talk, you don't know what they think, they just stand there. She's a in a relationship with the titular character which by itself is very sweet, but it makes her as the Only Girl, the "main" character's partner. Her design is very fun and works wonders with her (nick)name, but chilling and eating being the two things she bothers with is extremely uncomfortable with her being a short fat woman. Her unbothered nature is by itself a fascinating character trait and it results in a lot of characters treating her like an idiot which would be great if she wasn't, again, the only woman in this story. She gets a happy ending of getting to fuck off with the guy she loves and start a family which is extremely significant lore-wise because by nature, the artificial humans of the setting are not allowed any of these options, but a nuclear family mom ending for your token woman feels sour.

None of this comes off as intentionally malicious but it's a lot of factors that pile up. I honestly hated her character at first for this and it took a beloved friend of mine who finds her extremely extremely relatable to open my eyes. I'm not a woman myself and I ain't fat either so I'm probably not in the right place to imagine any "fixes" for those issues, although having literally any other major characters be women without changing anything would have, imo, fixed a lot of the issues. The in-world justification for all the artificial humans being male is bullshit anyway

[olderjodijournals]

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Made $30 yesterday on MT! And it was such simple work that took no time at all.

I recorded my language lessons. It still amazes me to know I can sit and listen to hours of words and dialog in Italian, Portuguese, German, and of course Spanish, and know what they’re saying!

Still waiting on whether or not they’re going to accept my manuscripts, though I’m still doubtful. Just going by the odds. Even if it’s not a full-length novel to be printed into paperbacks or hardcovers or a lot of money at stake, it’s still NOT easy to get a publisher to accept a manuscript!

Later…

It was so nice to go to bed with 21¢ in my account after I transferred money to the card, then to wake up to find I had $33 in the account! I’m nearly $100 ahead of my goal. I was thinking I’d only be able to make $80 - $100 a month, but I’m making closer to $150 a month, so I can’t complain there! And today I’ve got $10 in the making for writing articles and comparing machine-translated sentences. It helps make up for the 5-hour barking sprees I have to deal with nearly every fucking day. It’s ridiculous. Just totally ridiculous that we “happen” to get hit with this every single place we go, common in the West or not.

So Mitch, who is what that writer I’m friends with prefers to go by, was truly correct in saying that writing is 10% imagination and 90% perseverance, after saying he wishes I wouldn’t sell myself short. Right now I just want to wait and see what the publishers say, and then I’ll focus on whatever I feel is best to focus on, depending on whether they accept/reject my manuscript. I just know they’re SUPER picky! But even if they tell me to take a hike, I’ll always write because it’s what I enjoy doing. No one keeps a journal for 22 years and writes 17 stories that doesn’t like writing!

I’m just picky myself as to who I share them with. I prefer to mostly share them with friends than post them for free. It’s easy to share my life as opposed to sharing stories because of the work involved in writing the stories versus journals. It’s hardly any work to write in my journal that I made some chicken and mashed potatoes and worked out afterward. Writing a story, however, takes a lot more work. And so to get paid for it for once would be awesome!

I’ll be keeping my fingers crossed. At this site, stories are sort of like ebooks, though they’re free to read. The only difference is that the authors get paid for their work as opposed to volunteering it. There’s no downloading or printing involved, though readers can print whatever they want. At least the writers don’t have to worry about going “out of print!”

Today, however, I’m not writing much. I hate to pass up good money when it’s available so I’m working on and off throughout most of the day. I like both good and slow days at work. The good days are obviously good because of the money. But the slow days allow me to catch up on other things.

My story on the free site still has 4 stars but is up to 1594 views. Who are all these people reading these stories?! LOL

It’s so nice to once again feel hopeful, happier, and like I have a reason to get up each day. Hell, I don’t even hate my sister so much anymore (not that I want to be buddies)! For a while there I felt so stuck in a rut and like there was nothing to look forward to. I feel traces of those old feelings of the peace that comes with having extra money like we did during those fun times in Maricopa and Oregon. I really wasn’t kidding when I said we usually have money. Since starting my online journal, however, I’ve done nothing but bitch about money, for the most part, so I can see where one may think otherwise, but seriously, I’m a spoiled bitch who’s used to having money to pamper herself with. Only this time around she’s going to do more saving than pampering!

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

My brain is saying, “Get to work!” My PMS-fatigued body is saying, “Just laze around in bed all day.”

I’m doing a mix of both, glad to see it’s a slow workday so far. Especially after making over $40 in just two days. Since I took my next German lesson (I’m 54% through German 102 with a score of 91%) I might do some writing.

Thanks to Swagbucks, our new deep fryer is on its way!

We’re now also on Step 2. Step 1 was to get the Mac back. Step 2 is to get some things we need and want. Then Step 3 will be when we start saving up a storm, hoping to cover our asses should our lovely government decide to cut our checks before the jobs return to those of us lost out here in the Sierras.

I still exchange messages with Mitch every so often. I don’t know him, but the more we chat, the more he seems like a really great guy. Dedicated to his work, his kids, friendly, honest, etc.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Hey, wow! I got a birthday card today from Eileen. How sweet of her to remember and to care. My birthday isn’t actually until tomorrow, so if anything comes to the mail place then, I won’t know about it till next week. We usually go every Thursday. However, our new deep fryer is scheduled for delivery next Tuesday, so we’ll go then.

I’ll turn the ringer on the landline in case my parents call tomorrow. We usually keep it off with all the sales and wrong-number calls we get.

When ordering the deep fryer, we had to have a certain amount of purchases ($30, I think) to qualify for free shipping, so Tom grabbed me some patchouli incense.

Amazingly, my story is now #2 on the list and now with a rating of 4.44 out of 5 stars and 1990 views. Am I really that good?! Well, as long as the publishers at the other site think so, that’s all that matters. They’re the ones with the money.

We’re going to freeze this Saturday night – ugh! That’s bad enough, but I’m sure glad we’re not up in K-Falls. They’re now hitting the single digits!

Mitch posted my journal link on his site. I got a kick out of how he says “For a unique insight into US trailer life…” Yeah, it’s unique, alright! laughs

My story at the erotica site that posts for free now has a 4.36 out of 5-star rating and is now the 9th story on the first page, but is not on the Top Ten Story list.

Haven’t heard anything yet from the publishers on the erotica site that pays its authors.

Anyway, Mitch is super cool and is working with a well-known illustrator right now, doing some layouts, as well as working on his own novels. He also does some editing and reviewing for some of my writing as well.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Knowing I’m now past the halfway mark in my life (at least I should be) is both strange and comforting to know. Perhaps there’s a degree of comfort since life and the world in general seems to have more bad in it than good. Here, two consenting adults can’t marry each other if they’re the same gender, but in some other countries, they marry off 8-year-olds – WTF??? And then there’s the story of this escaped cop killer whose friends and family gave him hundreds of dollars on the run, yet if I, a law-abiding citizen, suddenly needed hundreds of bucks, no one would give me shit. So that’s the bright side to being over the halfway point, along with the fact that each year I get a little smarter. :)

While my face may look its age, my body sure doesn’t! It looks about 15 years younger. I’m definitely in killer shape for 44!

Eileen sent a ‘Happy Birthday’ message this morning. Tom’s still asleep. Not sure what we’re going to do today. It’s only 9am here now, so I’ve got time to decide. We talked about getting each other birthday/holiday treats somewhere but might wait till the end of the month and take advantage of the sales they’ll have then.

My story dropped from 2nd to 4th place but jumped in views to 3233 views. I wish the publishers at the other place would hurry up and either accept or reject my manuscripts!

My French bread pizza should be ready in a few minutes, so bye-bye!

Later…

Today turned out to be relaxing, but fun. I coaxed myself away from work and we went out for a couple of hours. We first went to Kmart where I got new slippers. They’re girls’ slippers, but cute and comfy. I also got some perfume knock-offs, caramel candy and mango gum. Then we picked up the mail since we were in the area. There was a nice card with $20 from my folks. We took it to KFC!

I’ve received a slew of birthday wishes from real friends and cyber friends, and am now on a sugar high that’s quickly turning into a sugar crash. Tom’s already passed out, LOL! Think I’ll go join him.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Spoke to my folks after yesterday’s entry, but not for long. They didn’t say much but sound like they’re doing well. I thanked them for the card and money and that was pretty much it.

I love my new slippers, girly or not with their purple furry pom-poms. They sure are comfy and do a great job of keeping my feet warm.

It’s so nice to wake up to a quiet, peaceful morning. But I know Jesse’s going to take off sooner or later and leave us with at least a few hours of barking.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Oh, no! Oh, no, no, no, no. Why oh why does the past always come back to haunt me? Tom thinks it’s hilarious, of course, but getting half a foot of snow, even if it’ll all be melted off in an hour or two, does NOT sit well with me! I so did NOT come here for this shit! We should’ve gone down further like to the Central Valley or something. Even LA would be better than this. After all, there are too many people here anyway. All the natives are probably getting a kick out of this since you so seldom get even a dusting here.

Tom said yesterday that they were predicting 3-4 inches as low as 1000 feet which is right about where we’re at. So I woke up to pee at 4:30 and the place was glowing like it does at the crack of dawn. At first I was confused as to why it’d be that light that early. Then I realized that of all the times the weather forecast is wrong this, unfortunately, was not one of them. So I dove back under the covers till 8:30, shortly before Tom got up. He was laughing and saying how cool it was and how he loves variety. And I wish it were 100º every day!

It’s melted somewhat since at first the entire face of my howling coyote was completely covered with snow. Now it just has snow in its mouth. Half the shed’s roof is now exposed, too.

The only good in it is that it kept Jesse out of work, giving me three quiet days in a row instead of two. Not cuz of the snow itself, but because he couldn’t get out. He said all morning long he could hear trees snapping under the weight of the snow. These kinds of trees, which differ from what’s up in the high country, weren’t exactly made to take a lot of snow, which turned out to be more like 5-6 inches. So Jesse’s been cutting and dragging trees away with the ATV for the last few hours since there were fallen trees all along the drive. Fortunately, we didn’t have to be anywhere today.

My story fell to 12th place, then jumped back up to 8th place. It now has over 3000 views and still no word from the publishers.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

All is well except for the weather. The summer may’ve been longer, but this winter’s definitely been much worse. Snow and temperatures in the 20s are practically unheard of around here. The snow couldn’t melt completely yesterday because the sun wasn’t out long enough. I don’t think it’s even going to finish melting off today, I’m sorry to say. It’s been sunny all day, but it barely made it over freezing. I can’t believe it got this cold this fast. It totally sucks! We left the sinks dripping last night. I wish we’d gone to San Diego. Although Tom has a point in saying that he doesn’t know that he’d have been able to get so much overtime like he was getting back in the motel in order to qualify for so much unemployment. Had it not been for that we’d be getting closer to $200 a month instead of $300 and there’s no way we could’ve made it on that. Especially without knowing about MT. Still, this weather sucks! I didn’t come here for cold and snow!

Later…

I was only able to write the above paragraph when the power went out. It was out for an hour and a half. Fortunately, it came back on before it could drop below 68º in here.

Ah, electricity. Can’t imagine life without it, and when I think of those who don’t have it, I realize God doesn’t hate me so much after all.

Incredibly, my paragraph remained intact, but hey, a $1200 Mac ought to be good for saving and backing up stuff, right?

It was an amazingly quiet day today. I didn’t think Jesse worked, but Tom said he didn’t think he was home when he went out earlier himself. But the guy let us know he was home when the power went out, of course, and took the opportunity to go engine-gunning and ATVing around here if not just so he could be heard, then maybe gathering firewood. As I said this is a hell of a winter we’re having. We’re not supposed to have much of a winter here in the first place!

Now he’s out there sawing. sighs There isn’t much light left out there so hopefully he won’t be buzzing away for too long, though I could always turn the sound machine on if he gets too distracting.

Anyway, I’m just glad it wasn’t the -1º it was in K-Falls this morning!

Heard about 4 shots fired today too, but couldn’t say where it was.

Tom brought the Nikita doll to the post office to be shipped off to Australia now that we finally got paid for it.

Got a letter from Rosa, along with a beautiful birthday card she made me that probably arrived on my birthday or the day after.

Our new fryer came today and it’s way nicer than the other one. We made French fries today. Can’t wait to make chicken wings next!

My patchouli incense also arrived, along with a couple of samples. This time it was lavender dishwashing liquid that smelled lemony (yuck) and Olay body wash.

Later…

God, it’s taking me forever to write this entry! I got hungry and had to go have some fried rice.

Now I’m hearing shots again. Who the hell would be shooting in the dark? There were about a dozen shots this time, but it’s definitely not loud enough to be the people in back. No one in their right mind does target practice in the dark, so maybe a coyote or something is threatening their livestock.

At least Jesse’s packed it in for the day.

Okay, time to call it an entry and move on!

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Another freezing night in the 20s. Yup, we should’ve gone to San Diego. This is supposedly our last night of freezing for a while, though. There’s a storm out over the Pacific that’s supposed to rain on us for a few days starting on Friday.

The Klammers were -6º this morning, LOL! We should now be above freezing. Since it’s to get a little warmer today, hopefully the remaining patches of evil snow will be history after having to see the shit for three days!

My story keeps jumping and dropping. Right now it’s in 3rd place with over 3457 views.

I still won’t believe anything till I see it actually happen, but Tom says they’re talking about lowering the Medicare age to 55 and expanding the Medicaid income range to 42K. That would be wonderful since in this day and age I not only doubt will ever own a place again, but am just about positive we’ll never make over 42K. I doubt we’ll ever make over 30K. Like it or not we were meant to be as poor as I was meant to be short and he was meant to be tall. I’ll live and die a very poor woman, but I won’t always be uninsured. I just don’t think we’ll be insured anytime soon. I’ve gone this long without doctors and dentists. So why start now? I do have to make an appointment for an eye exam and glasses, though, which I’ll probably do next week.

I should have the rest of the not-so-fun times at the duplex posted in my Oregon blog either today or tomorrow. Then it’s on to what would be one of our best times in life. Cold, but fun.

Friday, December 11, 2009

The eye exam is over, and after hours and hours of barking, I’m now enjoying nothing but the sound of the rain falling on the roof. And the snow has FINALLY melted!

I got both good/bad news from the eye doctor today. The good news is that there’s nothing seriously wrong with my eyes other than the farsightedness that usually comes with age. Also, my eyes do well with corrective lenses and can see 20/20 with them.

The bad is that I need glasses all the time and so he recommended both distance and progressive lenses. We’re going to start with just the distance lenses first and see if I’m comfortable enough with just those. If I feel I need progressives, we’ll get them online where they’re cheaper.

The exam was $58, the frames were $20, and the prescription itself put the final total up to $141. A little more than we expected, but well worth it to see better without having to use these cheap, heavy, bulky reading glasses I’ve been using. I just have to wait a week for them.

I ended up picking out pink metallic frames that are flexible and scratch-resistant. I got kids’ frames because I’m so small that the kids’ frames fit my head/face better than the adult frames. They had some ENORMOUS frames that practically cover half your face – yuck! If your glasses are the first thing you want people to notice about you, they’re the ones to get. I, however, not only never liked the way oversized glasses look, but always thought those were for hypochondriacs and sympathy junkies that want you to really notice their need for glasses and to feel bad for them.

I’d love to one day get up the nerve to try contacts. To be able to have different colored eyes each time I changed them would be awesome! I loved the bright blue, violet and deep brown shades they had. Anything’s better than these puke olive green eyes I’ve got. They’re as bad as gray eyes.

The receptionist did the first part of the exam where they test the pressure behind your eyes by blowing puffs of air in them and that sort of thing. I was glad I’d already picked out the frames I wanted by the time the doctor used the drops to dilate my pupils to check for glaucoma since that made my vision even blurrier. Fortunately, it’s been cloudy and rainy so I didn’t need to use the sunglasses they gave me.

We were going to grab a couple of wireless speakers for $100 or so and put one in the kitchen and one in the bathroom for listening to music in those rooms, but instead I think I’ll just crank up the stereo when I want to hear it in other rooms or use the iPod if Tom’s sleeping. So that I can shower in peace when the dogs are at it, I threw the sound machine in there. Sleeping with the white noise from the radio keeps things like the motorcycle and our insanely loud microwave from waking me up, so I don’t really need it in there anyway.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

There’s been tons of Turk work, so I haven’t done much writing of any kind, though I finally took another German lesson after slacking off for a while. I’m 60% through 102 with a score of 91%.

My story is back to #2 and has over 5000 views.

Tomorrow or the next day I’ll be making a huge incense order. Along with some old favorites, I’ll be getting:

Anyway, Mr. King of the Hill kept his damn dogs quiet Saturday, but Tom said they went crazy for a couple of hours before I got up. He doesn’t mind the noise being from Arizona and having grown up with excessive barking, but I’m sure it would’ve driven me crazy. It’s highly distracting and annoying to most of us who grew up where most dogs are house pets. I did hear a little of it after I got up. Tom said it sounded like there was a huge dogfight, but we haven’t seen the dogs from in back, and it’s hard to believe Jesse’s dogs would suddenly attack each other. I think they just don’t like being left alone, for some reason, between late October and mid-April. I don’t know what the connection is, but I’m positive that all the barking has to do with his not being there during those months because when he is there during those months, it’s quiet. And it’s almost always quiet from mid-April to late October, whether he’s there or not. Still, I WISH somebody would MAKE this cock CONTROL his own fucking dogs!

It rained like crazy for two days. I think it’s drying up now, though, and is to be in the 50s all week.

I decided not to get any more of that special toothpaste. I don’t want to do anything to delay my teeth from rotting and falling out so I can be done with the damn things and the pain they bring once and for all.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Been busy making money off of criminals, LOL! Yeah, today’s job is comparing mug shots.

Placed my $88 incense order (including shipping) and after getting a few more things we could use, it’s off to save up a storm. That should be fast and easy enough if I keep making the kind of money I’ve been making lately.

Still have that mysterious pain on my lower right side. The only thing that shoots the theory that it’s connected to ovulation is A, it always comes a few days prior to mid-cycle, and B, we’re supposed to rotate sides every month. Yet the pain is coming almost every month now, at the exact same time of the month, is getting more intense, and lasts for three days. It starts off mild, then gets worse and worse, then it suddenly disappears. Last time I slept it woke me up.

Tom said it was quiet all day and I said, of course it was, I slept most of the day so Jesse was probably home. Yet he said his truck wasn’t there when he went out walking, so who knows for sure what’s going on?

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

You know you worked out hard when the shower feels sooo good upon entering it! I realized that a part of why I’ve been up a few pounds isn’t just because of overeating, but because I’ve been slacking off with the exercise. For some reason, I tend to stick to running better than riding. I guess I just like running better. So I ran about a mile and a half, then rode an additional mile and a half.

I ate my way up to 128 pounds, even though I look 10-15 pounds lighter since I’m muscular. I’m going to try my hardest not to go over 1000 calories today.

Been making decent money, said hello to Eileen, who says she loves her new lifestyle being so close to Boston and who was in NYC for shopping, eating and shows, and am going to get in some writing tonight.

The motel dreams have shifted to apartment/tooth house dreams, whatever the hell that means.

It made it into the 60s today. I just hope it doesn’t snow again or get into the 20s! That’s so not supposed to happen here!

Gotta do 100 or so ab crunches.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Here I am in my little pink Kidco glasses. There are both good and bad I can say about them. Well, there’s still nothing like not needing glasses in the first place. I miss those days! But they’re never returning so I just gotta deal with it. I still don’t like the feeling of something sitting on my nose even if it now weighs 17 grams and not 27 grams. The other negative is that I will need the other glasses the doctor recommended because these glasses are really best for long-distance and just walking around in or going out. Everything sure does look great at a distance! My long-distance vision wasn’t as good as I thought it was. I thought it was still 20/20, but it wasn’t quite there after all.

The only problem I have with these glasses is reading, but after wearing them a while and letting my eyes have time to relax and quit naturally trying to squint and focus, the monitor isn’t so blurry. I will still need reading glasses for reading fine print or doing things like sewing, so we’re going to get a pair online. While I wore these glasses, I held up various pairs of reading glasses to get a sense of what would be best for reading. These, plus weak reading glasses, seem to be good enough for me. We found a place online where we can get them for just $15 - $20 including shipping. And even lighter ones too, at 13 grams.

Swapped a few messages with Eileen like we usually do every week or two. She too, agrees with me as far as the injustices of the world go and is really into meditation. She teaches a meditation class each week.

Not much else going on. Just working and doing the things I usually do.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

My story keeps bouncing between 2nd and 3rd place and now has over 7000 views.

We’re back to not needing heat in the afternoons. It got in the high 70s in here yesterday, but we’re going to get some more rain soon enough.

We ordered a cheap pair of reading glasses online. They’re pink too, and they’re also kids’ glasses.

I’m relieved to know they extended unemployment benefits and that we’re set at least till the middle of summer, but I’d rather the damn jobs come back to this area! How many more months – or years – is this shit going to go on? While I hate being stuck in a rut of any kind, being stuck jobless in the peaceful woods in a cozy little trailer sure does beat being stuck in motels!

Wish I had more to say, but I don’t. Guess I’ll get back to work.

Monday, December 21, 2009

I lost 3 pounds in 2 days since I started doubling up on the oolong tea and running more. My story fell to #11. The first 10 must have super high ratings because mine still has a 4.41 rating out of 5 stars. Once again I don’t have much else to say. Life hasn’t been boring, but it’s been slow and predictable.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Paul, AKA Mitch, the UK novelist I mentioned before who befriended me on Bookmania, has been working with me. He edited a small portion of my story for me to show me a better way to do it and OMG! He did a fantastic job!

Later…

Got paid $10 to enter a lingerie contest for a $100 GC! My picture was accepted and submitted just now. I’m wearing a sparkly bra in the picture. Hope I win! A woman can always use new bras and panties. It’s a random-draw contest that ends at the end of the year.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

My story is back in 2nd place and I decided to submit another one just to see if it does as well. It hasn’t been posted yet.

Meanwhile, I’m in a state of neitherness and neverness right now, you could say. I’m neither fat nor thin. I’m neither happy nor sad. I’m neither well off financially or broke. I could go on and on with more “neithersome” situations, but won’t bother.

As for my state of “neversome,” I feel like there will NEVER be jobs in this area and we will NEVER get ahead. This forced welfare bum situation we’re in really gets old, and being stuck on unemployment is about as close as you can get to being just that! A government-supported bum.

But MT is continuing to supplement us quite well. We’re actually only making about $150 less than he made in Oregon, and he made good money there. Only catch is that our rent is now $825 and not $450. Still, I made $12 in less than 5 minutes yesterday by simply taking a picture of myself in lingerie, then having Tom take one of me standing outdoors holding up a sign saying, “Merry Christmas, Crystal. Auburn, USA.” Don’t know what this was supposed to be for, but it was an easy job and so I did it after writing the words in thick dark block letters on a piece of white cardstock.

Read up on slander/libel laws. Slander is a very hard thing to prove the same as discrimination. When you’re dealing with what’s mostly hearsay and opinions, things can get tricky. That’s why I can’t sue the media for the pack of lies they printed about me or the people who told them the lies. I can’t prove what they said is bullshit like one can prove that the Statue of Liberty truly exists. That’s easy. But when you get into people’s opinions, it’s a lot tougher. It isn’t merely an opinion that the Statue of Liberty exists, but a visible fact. So you have to A, prove beyond a reasonable doubt that the person’s belief or opinion is true. Then B, you have to prove that it was directly responsible for hurting the person’s business, reputation or health in some way.

Go out and buy a lottery ticket. You have a much better chance there!

Same goes for child abuse. Suspicions and past accusations won’t get you very far. The social workers aren’t stupid; they know what’s going on. But unless a parent or guardian smacks a child right under their nose, it’s almost impossible to get one’s kids removed from them, and their past won’t usually give you much ammo. People have tried to use my own past against me and I myself tried to beat a few others over the head with their pasts as well and it didn’t get us anywhere in the end.

Again, try the lotto instead.

If your record has been expunged of any convictions or judgments, that’s what you need to show in cases where it matters. Court documents always remain online or at least publicly accessible in some way. No matter what you may’ve been vindicated of, there will always be a record available on the case itself.

I can totally understand the feeling of having intense anger, resentment, frustration and more that can have an accumulative effect on one’s life as each incident and or trauma adds up. I have been attacked, put down, ripped off, lied to and nearly raped in the late 80s. I often think it may be a good thing that I was half the bitch I am today and half as brave, for I may very well have gone out, gotten a gun, and shot some of the assholes that fucked me over, particularly the would-be rapist I cried AIDS to, thus landing my ass in prison no matter how many people may’ve agreed with my actions at least from a non-legal point of view.

I not only have to live with the evil deeds done to me but with my own mistakes as well. I lied about being raped as a kid when all it really was was a case of bad sex. The guy couldn’t even get it in there, and I, unable to say “no” was left feeling ashamed as kids often feel after having sex or trying to, even if they consented to it in the first place. Still, it’s something I’ll always have to live with, though unbeknownst to me at the time, the exam I had afterward would’ve shown that I was still a virgin.

My maternal grandmother was not at all a nice lady and definitely a lousy mother. Her meanness led to one equally mean daughter and one equally mean son. Yet I have to live with the fact that I made prank phone calls to her just days, maybe even hours, after my parents discovered her dead inside her home, just 6 months after losing her husband, my grandfather.

So while I may have learned a lot in life and have been tested by the government to be well within the genius range, I’m no stranger to many of the fuck-ups and emotions that many of you have either asked me about or have talked about from your own experiences.

I know I shouldn’t do this, after all, I was totally naïve to the law, especially in Arizona, but I still beat myself up for not “fighting back,” so to speak, and feel like I let the sickos we lived with fuck me over. Full disclosure: No, the truth will NOT always set you free. And no, cooperation and kindness won’t always be in your best interest. Yet “You should’ve kept your mouth shut,” and “You should’ve fought back,” and “You should’ve represented yourself,” and “You should’ve researched your rights and insisted on going to trial,” and “You should’ve never gone to court in the first place,” still runs through my mind even to this day.

“Quit kicking yourself in the ass for what you didn’t know because it’s done and over and can’t be undone or changed. What happened to you wasn’t your fault. You did nothing wrong and you certainly wouldn’t have deserved the sentence you got even if you had written the damn letter. You were naïve to the law and the law took advantage of that,” is what I should tell myself, but it’s just not always so easy.

I’ve been asked what I think you should do and how I think you should feel in light of traumatic or tough experiences. Well, first off, no one can tell you how to feel as there is no right or wrong emotion, but I can say this much: Don’t try to sugarcoat the wrongdoings of other people. If they fucked you over, they fucked you over. Period. If you feel you’ve been victimized – that’s enough. Never bother trying to justify it or make excuses for it. What happened, happened.

No, I wouldn’t take in any children if a friend or relative had kids they no longer could care for for whatever reason. Since deciding, in the end, to skip motherhood so as to keep my freedom, taking in other people’s kids would kind of defeat that purpose, selfish of me or not, LOL!

Oh, and yes, I removed my extended autobiography because I am a better writer than I was 8 years ago when I first began it. Therefore, I think it can be better written and so I may rewrite at least parts of it. I just don’t know when.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

I joined the Valleyhead group on Facebook, but the group seems fairly new and I don’t recognize any of the names of the members.

I must be getting more interesting, LOL, since every time I tweet lately I get a new follower.

Raley’s, one of the local grocery stores here, has an awesome site where you can see exactly what’s in stock, what things are going to cost, and even read nutrition labels if you’re counting calories. It might actually save us money this way as opposed to going to Wal-Mart which we have to go all the way into Roseville to get to. The convenience alone would be worth it.

My story is now #4, even though it has a higher rating than the #1 story which has been broken for ages. It’s a strange site at times.

I signed a petition against vetoing the legalized gay marriage in DC, but I don’t see what good it will do. As soon as they get their rights, the bigots take them away. It’s only a matter of time before they’re once again denied their rights nationwide. This is why I no longer get excited when a new state grants them equality. Why give someone something just to take it away? People are awful. Just awful. It’s why I have just a few handfuls of friends. Not everyone out there is bad, but most people make me sick to my stomach. Rats usually make better friends than people!

So the balloon hoax parents got just days in jail while I got months for a fictitious letter. I wish I HAD written the damn letter! Better yet, I wish I’d written hundreds!

Friday, December 25, 2009

On this sunny, green, warm Christmas I’ve decided to add the crazy places I was in as a kid to the My Childhood section of my autobiography which I’m rearranging and editing.

Then again, I wouldn’t go so far as to say it’s warm. It’s 78º inside, but only 60º outside.

I was just stepping out of the shower when I heard the bulldozer. What in the world Mr. King of the Hill would be doing on that thing at 9am on Christmas was beyond me. He took off shortly after in the truck and left us with the dogs. I had to put things on to drown them out. I figured he’d go somewhere today.

When I got up and the rats were begging it looked almost like a choreographed dance with the way they were swaying back and forth in time together. It was hilarious!

I learned how to make my own egg drop soup. All you do is beat an egg, then slowly pour it into egg drop soup mix once it starts boiling. I always wondered how they made the stuff.

So it turns out that there was this link I didn’t notice the first time around at the Valleyhead group on Facebook. It actually took me to another Valleyhead group on Classmates where I recognized a few names. I sent a friend invite to a couple of them and wrote a note on my profile page there saying that since I couldn’t leave links there, they could look me up on Facebook and that I had a link to my journal there as well.

Then today I got a friend invite on Facebook from a name I didn’t recognize at first, then I realized that the person’s nickname was familiar. When I saw the picture I knew it was Marie D. I was too young and naïve to realize it at the time, but she was gay. We were never really friends, but we never had any problems either and so it was really cool to get her friend invite.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Just thought I’d do some writing and then some proofreading before either Jesse gets noisy or his dogs do. Whichever comes first.

Duewi is Marie’s nickname which I referred to as M in my last entry online. I let her know I don’t use last names and that I’d refer to her only by her nickname.

Anyway, you know you shared a certain hell together when you run into each other 26 years later in cyberspace and are instantaneously good buddies! Guess it’s something only those who went through what we went through could understand, but if Duewi were suddenly homeless and on the streets around here, you bet I’d go pick her up! Well, Tom would have to help since I don’t drive, LOL!

She said the last 8 years have been great for her, before that a distant memory. She asked if I remembered her and as I told her, I have an impeccable memory, so yes, I do remember her. I also remember Tammy and Judy, two different girls she used to hang out with. I even took hers and Tammy’s picture before Tammy left.

Like I said, we weren’t pals in any way. We were never roommates nor did we have any classes together that I remember, but we always got along.

She’s the only Valleyheader so far that I’ve been in touch with. I once looked up a few names, but I either didn’t get any hits or I got too many to be worth going through.

Later…

I hear Jesse sawing away at something right now. Why can’t the guy ever take a day off and stay home and INSIDE on weekends? I prefer him to stick around so the dogs don’t go crazy, but when he does, he makes a racket himself.

So anyway, I’m so happy to have Duewi as a friend! She is so cool. What’s more is that she’s surprising as hell, too. Yeah, I guess she wouldn’t mind my saying this, but when I asked if she remembered me, she said, “Sure I do. I had a huge crush on you.”

I was both shocked and flattered, alright. I had absolutely no idea she liked me. I knew she didn’t dislike me, but I thought I was just there as far as she was concerned. Just another spot on the wall.

She lives in New York now and understandably she prefers the East with it being more accepting of her lifestyle. It’s definitely more liberal there than here in conservative Cali!

She remembers my singing and playing the guitar, saying that despite the craziness there I could really break out that guitar and get singing! Yeah, music was pretty much all I had to keep my sanity, LOL!

Anyway, Duewi was what I’d describe as cute and tomboyish. She was tough but not mean. I always liked her smile. She’s Italian but doesn’t speak it. She had “the look” unlike my more feminine self and I can see where girls would’ve thrown themselves at her like crazy while short fems like myself were usually more of a hit with the guys, unfortunately, LOL! Bet I could still go hang out in a lesbo bar for hours and still not be approached. Hey, at 4’ 11”, 124 pounds, why would I?

During the time I was actually at Valleyhead, which was from ages 16-18, I was too young, dumb and naïve to put two and two together as far as who was gay. But once I got older and came out myself, I could look back and recognize which staffers and students were gay. There were actually several staff couples that formed there. Mary, the one I had a crush on, took up with Annie. Debbie, my therapist, took up with some guy and they got married. I know my other therapist, Lisa, was gay, along with Ellen, the owners’ daughter, and Jennifer. Duewi said she ran into Ellen after she left Valleyhead and was still in MA and learned she’d not only gotten with Jennifer but liked Duewi as well.

Well, like I said, I had no idea she liked me. Maybe that was because I was too busy paying attention to Mary. It’s kind of funny after all these years when you think about it. Duewi liked me while I liked Mary who liked Annie all the while Ellen liked Duewi!

She remembered a lot of the people and their names, saying the staff was cool to her, but she didn’t like some of the students. There were a few students I didn’t like either, but I thought some of the staff were crazier than some of the students. Donna, Margaret and Barbara were a nightmare! Other than Mary, Lisa and Michelle, one of the teachers, no one else really stands out as far as staff goes.

There was a little confusion for a minute there when I mentioned being the crazy window jumper and she said she “pulled me in in room 7, the room we shared.” I said, “It couldn’t have been me. I was never in room 7, never shared a room with her, and I assure her no one pulled me back when I flew outa room 13’s window!”

She got me mixed up with a girl named Doreen. I guess she too, tried to jump, desperate to get out of there. Then she ran away instead, never to be heard from or seen again. As far as I always knew, no one knew whatever became of her.

Anyway, it was really cool to chat on Facebook like we did. She too, lives in a trailer in the boonies with some girl and her sister.

It’s too bad we can’t run over for a visit. She is just so way cool. I meant it too, when I said I was flattered to learn she had a thing for me. She’d have been my last guess as to who I’d end up getting back in touch with from Valleyhead. I’d have guessed Denise, Stacey or Ethel. We hung out the most and were often roommates.

It’s as fun to have so many cyber friends as it is not to have so many friends close by in physical form where they could really be a pest. I still wouldn’t mind meeting a few of them in person if only for a day. My top 3 picks would be Duewi, Eileen and probably Paul.

I finally heard from Mary. Even though I figured she was just depressed, busy or both, I always worry when too much time passes between letters.

They threw her in lockdown for trying to send her lawyer a birthday card. That’s pretty fucked up, but I guess with her being new and all that they just had to prove a point.

She asked for my email so she could send me recent pictures of her. I guess she’s got internet access there. She’s enjoying the story I’m sending her. I’ll have two more to catch her up on after this one, then the scenes I’ve been working on with Paul.

She wants to write erotica with me as Gothic Beauty and share the earnings so she can have canteen money, but as I’ll have to tell her… A, I never heard back from them, and B, I’d hate to take risks like that. If the prison ever got wind of it that she was making money her ass would be grass and they’d be the lawnmower! I wouldn’t mind posting a story of hers on the free rating site, though, and it wouldn’t have to be lesbian erotica not that she’d care either way.

She’s looking forward to getting a degree as a paralegal and taking the first step toward becoming a victim’s advocate. She’s learning Spanish, too.

It turns out that Selena’s killer was just some sicko pretending to be her killer. Yeah, I knew they were just putting her on and that the real killer was in Texas.

So life is going a lot better for me these days. I just wish it wasn’t so cold!

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Almost didn’t get to make an entry today between chatting with Duewi and doing a million other things, too. PMS has had me totally dragging and just trying to keep up with things has been tough. I haven’t had time to study languages or do much proofreading, but I will definitely have the new version of my autobiography posted on Blogger or MD or both in a month or two. I did update the Oregon blog, though.

I also managed to get some work done today as well as some laundry, and we went to the store to pick up a few things. I’m going to make egg drop soup again tomorrow. It is sooo good!

Jesse’s truck wasn’t visible when we came and went yet the dogs were amazingly quiet. Maybe someone else was there like his kid.

Ok, now onto the fun part of my day. Duewi. Sweet, hilarious Duewi! When I woke up this morning I had to ask myself if yesterday was just a dream, but when I saw her note waiting for me in cyberland I was grinning ear to ear, glad to see that the good-looking Italian named Marie with the shiny black hair that most people call Duewi was anything but a dream. I STILL can’t believe it! She’s totally the last one I would have expected to reunite with even if it’s 26 years later and in cyberspace. I’m still shocked to learn she had a crush on me all this time too, and that I didn’t see it back then. I don’t know why, but while I’m very good with people and sensing who’s aggressive, who’s mellow, who’s honest, who’s not; it seems I’m totally clueless when someone likes me unless they practically spell it out for me.

She’s totally my type too, so I WOULD learn about this long after getting married, LOL! She’s tall, dark and definitely tough enough for lil’ ole me to feel safe with. I got a kick out of how she said she could’ve bench pressed me when I first came into Valleyhead all anorexic at just 85 pounds, starved by my wonderful foster mom. Yeah, I believe it, too. I was pretty skinny.

She’s studying criminal justice. I told her I hate cops but love a babe in uniform, LOL!

I guess my hair was a trigger since she likes long brown hair and it was definitely pretty long back then. Not as insanely long as I usually had it from my late 20s to early 40s, but it was still below my waist. Anyway, she had to be discreet about noticing me so that Tammy, and then Judy, wouldn’t catch on.

Thinking back on it, this would explain Tammy and Judy’s coldness. They were never rude or mean to me, but they didn’t seem friendly at all when I’d be polite and say hello to them upon passing each other around the school and grounds. I was the “other” girl who didn’t know she was the other girl, LOL! I always figured she saw me as a little priss and basically looked at me like an older sibling might see a younger sibling that they didn’t want tagging along.

I am just so flattered that she feels the way she does about me, even though, as she herself says, it’s too late. But it will never be too late for Duewi to have a place in my heart forever and ever. eyes begin to water As well as in my very wild and creative imagination. grins

To know that she’d come and get me in a heartbeat if I were suddenly alone and homeless and within reach is quite an honor. I started to wonder why she never looked me up when I was still living there, alone, lonely and bored out of my mind most of the time like I was, but that would be kind of hard to do with an unlisted phone number, wouldn’t it?

She not only has the looks I like but seems like a great person as well. She still smokes, but she seems like a very easygoing person with a great sense of humor. She said she had a mean streak as a kid, though, and even did a few days in jail for an assault she didn’t remember. I guess she used to drink. But a connection high in ranks helped spring her out. I told her about my own little stint in jail as well.

With the way they had me doped up like a guinea pig, I don’t remember anything in particular she and I talked about other than when she asked me to take hers and Tammy’s picture. I asked her what she remembered us talking about and she said it was mostly about music since we had that much in common.

I asked if she remembered my deformed and deaf ear and she said yes, and when others would bitch about it and the trouble I had hearing, she’d tell them to shut their fucking mouths, LOL! Aw, how sweet.

I don’t remember the white quilted robe I was supposed to have worn a lot, but I do remember those bright red Chinos and a bright yellow pair as well.

Even though I think 125 pounds is too much for me, she assures me she’d follow me around like a puppy if she saw me on the street. Aw!

While I’m selective about what I write about that we discuss, I’m sure she wouldn’t mind me mentioning crazy Lisa. She wasn’t the scariest one there, but she was certainly the craziest. I guess she threw a toilet cover at Duewi and Duewi pinned her down until the staff could deal with her. I can totally picture Lisa doing that too, and then Duewi holding her. Duewi was never any chicken shit wimp. She was gutsy and tough. I, on the other hand, would be running so freaking fast in the opposite direction of some nutjob hurling a toilet cover at me! Definitely not something I’d have stuck around to do battle with, LOL!

Let’s see… what else? She too, is on 10 acres and her nearest neighbor is half a mile away. Ours is too, when you get Jesse out of the picture.

We exchanged a few jokes. I loved hers: What do two women need to get married?

The answer: A liquor license.

I’m too damn tired to think of anything else and do any more writing, so I’m going to call this an entry, which is plenty long enough, and probably end up meeting Duewi in some rather wet dreams tonight.

Monday, December 28, 2009

I’m too tired to make much of an entry, so I’ll just quickly say that Paul wished me a happy new year, and as always, it was nice to hear from him. He’s sort of down on his luck right now, so I’m trying to encourage him to keep his chin up and not hesitate to do what he’s got to do to get by.

As for my tall, dark, Italian hottie, we chatted and flirted again on Facebook, LOL! Oh, what we do in our x-rated imaginations! It sucks that she can’t just drive over, but we will always be buddies in cyberspace and in our hearts. Well, maybe a little more than friends, LOL.

She sent me a picture of her at Valleyhead with two other girls. They looked exactly as I remembered them to be. She also sent a couple of more recent shots. Damn, she aged well! Most people get fat with age, but not her. Her trailer’s a lot nicer than this piece of shit, too.

She shared more of her life with me.

Made pretty good money today, so I’m going to take a little break and unwind to some music.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

FedEx failed to deliver my package today. They do this every time I get incense.

Today hasn’t been as hectic as yesterday because there wasn’t much work today and I haven’t chatted with Duewi. She just emailed me on her lunch break at work to say hi and let me know she’s hitting the books and averaging A’s and B’s in criminal justice. And I let her know I’m proud of her! I don’t care for her taste in music, but I too, love forensics and stuff like that. It’s very fascinating. The Manson case still intrigues me even to this day.

Duewi.

I can’t get that girl off my mind!

Maybe I can credit most of it to PMS, but I’m kind of bummed out right now knowing we can never see each other, not that I’m not excited about keeping in touch even if it can only be online.

Getting in touch with Duewi has brought a slew of “what if” questions racing through my mind. You know, those “what ifs” we all hate, but can’t help pondering at times. We all experience them – what if I had been rich? What if I had had kids? What if I hadn’t? What if I were still single? What if I married younger? What if I’d had a different career? What if I’d been straight/gay? What if I’d lived in a different state or never moved? What if, what if, what if???

I think we also go through a lot of phases where at the same time we wouldn’t give up what we do have in life, we also wish we could have other things as well, even if we never will.

Like sweet, sexy Duewi.

I love my husband and wouldn’t trade him for the world. I always swore I’d kill myself if he died before I did, and I would. Like most guys, he doesn’t know what the hell he’s doing in bed even if they like to think they do, but he’s incredibly smart and has always loved me just as I am. Not many people let other people be themselves to the degree that he does.

But no matter how content we may be, we sometimes wonder what might have been. What if I’d known of Duewi’s crush years ago? She believes I wouldn’t have broken her heart. Is she right? I’d like to think so, LOL! As unstable as I was, I wasn’t ready for a relationship until I was older, and I always did say that I was glad I didn’t meet Tom any younger (I was 27), even if I wish I’d always known him. I was also more attracted to other fems until my early 30s or so, then I started swinging more towards the more masculine type. Not super masculine that you have to ask yourself, is that a guy or a girl? But the ones where you can pretty much tell they’re gay, but not have to second guess what body parts they’re sporting. Us short fems like the idea of a taller, tougher woman they can feel safe with, same as straight women tend to want that in a man.

And so I will be left to forever do two things – wonder what might have been if Duewi and I could’ve been together at some point in our lives, and also be frustrated, and a little sad, that we’ll never see each other again. sniffles Oh, how I wish I could hug her! But it will only be in my mind that I picture us in various scenarios – hanging out, talking, taking a leisurely country stroll, listening to music, and yes, even the fun stuff.

I can’t think of anything I’ve learned about her so far that I don’t like except that she smokes. But as was the case with myself and many others, she’ll quit when she’s ready to.

I’m friends with some VH girls I never met, but a Valleyheader is a Valleyheader, and there is a degree of sisterhood between us either way. To me, they are all my sisters considering the hell most of us went through at VH, and even though some of them weren’t very nice. I didn’t experience some of the horrors others have come forth to say they’ve experienced, but even when nothing bad was actually happening, VH was a very sad, depressing and stressful place to be. The atmosphere was truly suffocating and totally dismal.

But with Duewi I feel as if I’ve known her forever. She’s surprised me, too. A lot of people who have a rough childhood tend not to be very smart when they get older, but Duewi’s actually pretty intelligent.

I don’t know if I’m just another chick she’s attracted to in her mind, or if I’m special and unique in any way, but she sure makes me feel like I’m special and unique. :) I like that she doesn’t seem to be into me just because of how I look, but because of me as a person. I used to hate that when some guy or chick just couldn’t see past my skin and would only go on and on about how hot I was, how I was the stuff fantasies were made of, etc. Don’t get me wrong, we like to hear this stuff. But some of us don’t want that to be the only thing we hear.

It flatters me to know that Duewi would defend me if someone tried to hurt me. Even she said she’d hunt them down, LOL, and I believe she would, too! So you better not try it cuz I’ve got major protection on my side!

I also wonder things like whether or not the crush lived on after VH or if I was put on the back burner of her mind until I jumped out at her in cyberspace. Guess I’ll have to ask her sometime.

I’m still kind of surprised a class action suit was never filed against VH. Shutting them down was great, but suing them would be even better.

Now that we’re doing better financially, even if I’m starting to think Tom will be on unemployment for the rest of his life, we’re probably going to go ahead and purchase a dental plan after all, though not for another month or two. He found a plan for $270 a year that includes exams and X-rays. And dad was right, too. Dentures would be $500 with this plan, though there are other plans that are cheaper but with dentures that cost twice as much. I forgot what fillings and extractions are, but it wasn’t much. Either way, I don’t think all my teeth can be saved forever. The enamel is just way too soft.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Today ended up being a bit hectic for me, but not with work. Work was slow, but I was tied up with other things that I didn’t even get a chance to work out. For one, Jesse came down to inform us he’s to be laying down fake grass that they gave him at work in some areas to keep weeds from growing. So who knows how many days I’ll have to deal with the noise and distractions that’ll bring? Plus, he and his brothers and dad are going to cut and drag up some dead trees from down in the ditch in back of our place. No one lives down there or walks through there, but CA is picky about removing dead trees and keeping up on stuff like that.

Jesse says he’ll be at the bar partying, he says, and will be brought home in a taxi. I’d say by the way he was acting he’s already gotten a head start, too! The guy ain’t usually so jovial, LOL!

So it was a busy day, but it sure smelled good because my incense arrived.

I also got a nice card and a letter from Rosa. She says my letters always put a smile on her face and she’s hanging in there, doing the best one can do with so much prison time still ahead of her.

Got another nice surprise on Facebook from Maria, another girl from VH who asked if I were the one who used to sing and play guitar. I said yes, and she said we wrote a song together, but I thought she left before I did, even though the name did sound familiar, and told her that the song I wrote with the girl was called Carry Me Away. She sent another message saying she didn’t leave till a few months after I got there and that she was sure that was the song we wrote together. Although I no longer have the tape we made of us singing together, I still have the lyrics and I sent her a copy.

She confirmed that that was indeed the song she had me sing for her December graduation (they did graduations in December, June and August). I forgot about that, too! I remember writing the song (well, she did the lyrics and I did the music) but forgot that I did it for her graduation. I wish to hell I still had the tape! Our harmonizing came out beautifully. With her being a soprano and my being a contralto, we really complimented each other’s vocals nicely.

She said it really put a smile on her face and was glad to be in touch. Me too, and it was nice to finally be able to give half the credit to her, so to speak since I didn’t create the piece myself. I just never remembered her name!

The only thing I missed out on today was Duewi, but I know we’re not going to be able to catch each other every day. We can at least do emails every day, though. She said she wished I was just a hop, skip and jump away, but her dreams would have to be enough for her. As I told her, not being able to see her isn’t enough for me, but it is because it has to be. It may be a waste of time to do so, but I’ll always hope she’ll one day be able to visit if only for a day or two, but if that’s just a dream, then so be it.

I can totally see how easy it’d be for one to fall in love with a wonderful person such as she is. So no, it isn’t just a lust thing for me, but there’s definitely a lot of that in the picture, LOL! We let each other know what we plan to do in Never Never Land which she says she doesn’t like to wake up from. Tonight we are having a moonlight swim. One kiss leads to another, and then another… I’ll keep the rest a secret!

So 2009 wasn’t such a bad year after all. Yeah, there was some financial stress, and yeah my crazy sister and her kids drove me almost as crazy for a few months in cyberspace, and yeah Tom’s still jobless and collecting unemployment, but it sure was fun otherwise! I learned 3 new languages, even if I have a ways to go to achieve fluency. I found Rosa, then I found Eileen, and then came the icing on the cake – Duewi!

But what does this New Year hold for my hubby and me? Good things, I hope! And I hope this is the decade we once again own our own home and this time it’s forever.

[skokepoke]

So called free thinkers will always somehow place tales of legendia dead last in their best to worst lists 😒 It’s not even that bad. It’s got the best musical score and the cast is easily one of the best. Legendia deserves a remake of sorts to incorporate the first half with the character quests for a seamless experience. And it needs to let us explore more of its world because it’s easily one of the more interesting and thought provoking ones in the franchise. I like the idea of the Earth-like humans coming in a giant boat/spaceship to a different planet to escape certain extermination and colonizing it thereby ruining the native peoples’ planet because that’s something that could have happened in real life at some point in the solar system’s life (also because human history). I think about it from time to time. For all we know we could be aliens from Venus or something!

And then they’ll always say tales of the abyss is the best story-wise. The only good thing abyss has is gameplay! It boasts a weirdly weak cast and the worst main character you’ll ever see. Luke was only good in the beginning when he was mean. Then, when he becomes emo, he becomes very annoying and hateable because the way it happened had nothing to do in particular to his character prior! He had no idea what was gonna happen for real! We see him at the beginning being rude and irresponsible, but the Akzeriuth thing did not highlight any of these aspects you’d think would lead to him changing. It was Van manipulating Luke for years until that specific point which finally somehow led to him wanting to change! Huh?!??? What??? How?! It wasn’t even his fault! What was even the point of showing us such a cartoonish image of a rich spoiled brat for that long if it wasn’t even gonna matter?! Who thought this was a good idea?! Luke stans eat it up, but it makes zero sense! I miss rude Luke! It was so sloppy! And then the rest of the cast was so weirdly mean about it to him! He didn’t know! Wtf?! Like, I guess it was to drive the point about Luke being a bad person, but that was actually Van’s fault and they never treat him as such.

It’s so try hard! And we have at least 3 characters keeping secrets from us, the players. There’s too much going on! They should have just made Tear the main character instead and cut some others. What do the rest matter in, essentially, a story about a sister hunting her vengeful brother. Did she really need a love interest in Luke of all people??? I dunno, it just went everywhere I never really imagined. I played this when I was, like, 10-12. I was young, but I was still analyzing because that’s what I like to do. I actually do like Anise and Jade individually a lot though. They were pretty fun to me. Jade is pretty ridiculous though, but I liked Anise’s personal struggle as the classic traitor of the party. It’s a lot of pressure for a 13 year old girl. But, shhhh 🤫, because grown-ass male ‘Tales of’ fans hate her guts, and I’m not supposed to like her or something. At least her “gold-digger” antics make sense to her personal struggle, but whatever.

This topic is, like, a yearly thing for me because something will remind of it, and I can never find people who think the same as me about it, and it drives me up the wall. My siblings have to hear me rant. Nearly every comment is about how awesome Luke’s transformation is, and, uhhh, no, it’s not lol. Despite all that, I have fond memories of tales of the Abyss. Specifically the gameplay. I actually like the fields of fonon thing because it goes well with multiplayer, and I like couch co-op a lot. My younger sister and I liked to set each other up this way. Fun stuff. If they ever remake it I hope it keep that feature, but I also hope they keep multiplayer. This is one of the few games I went above and beyond to collect almost every secret thing and whatnot. Even when one of my files got corrupted I started all over again.

[splishsplashyouropinionistrash]

welcome welcome, it’s been a while.

but we’re back now with tumblr’s favorite show: AFTG Hot Takes, where i spew paragraphs and paragraphs of bullshit instead of working on my WIP.

without any further ado, i am proud to present: every AFTG ship, ranked.

this is your friendly reminder that these are just my opinions. if you like a ship i don’t: great! if you don’t like a ship that i love: also great! i’m always happy to hear people’s thoughts, and i love a good friendly debate, but please remember that i’m 17. i’m not here to argue with you about why your ship is the best. i’m just here to have fun.

these probably aren’t all the ships that are out there, but this is everything i’ve seen so far. if i missed one, let me know!

24. Jean/Riko

this one… ew. ew ew ew. every ship with riko is so ew, i cannot begin to explain, but this one is the worst.

i’ve read too many Nest fics to not gag at this tag, cause it’s never consensual.

23. Kevin/Riko

just no.

moving on.

22. Kevin/Thea

y’all know i hate this ship by now, but for newcomers: it’s predatory and neglectful. very very ick.

21. Andrew/Roland

this one… where to start?

i’ll probably make a full post ab it soon, so for now, let’s just say that it’s very similar to Kevin/Thea. The age gap at the time that things started between them… the morals and legality are murky at best.

20. Andrew/Kevin

i’ve said it once, and i’ll say it again: they. aren’t. good. for. each. other.

Kevin doesn’t respect boundaries. he pushes things. and boundaries are the absolute most important thing for Andrew. they just don’t work.

19. Andrew/Neil/Kevin

i very vehemently despise this ship, for the same reason i hate Andrew/Kevin. i think it’s so important for y’all to remember who these characters are and not just ship them because they all have dicks and are nice to each other sometimes. that turns into mlm fetishization real fuckin quick.

18. Neil/Kevin

this is one that i can almost sort of see. if i hadn’t accidentally spoiled andreil for myself, i would have assumed this was canon during my first read.

but it’s just… i love the fact that they’re friends. i think their friendship can be so amazing, and i love reading fics where they’re that close. i don’t think every friendship in media has to turn romantic.

17. Kevin/Jean/Jeremy

remember what i said about kevandreil? apply it to this one too.

ik it sounds like i just hate poly couples. i don’t. i just hate ships like this, that really wouldn’t be healthy but people put together anyway because oh gay people yay! it feels gross and fetish-y and i am not here for it.

16. Kevin/Jean

this is a ship that i can see happening pre-canon, but i’m not the biggest fan of it simply because there’s no way it could be healthy. they went through a lot together, sure, but traumabonds are notoriously unhealthy.

15. Kevin/Matt

this, again, feels like just putting two characters together because they’re nice to each other occasionally, but really? they aren’t. correct me if i’m wrong, but Matt and Kev only have one canon interaction that i can remember, and it’s literally Matt punching Kev in the face.

Not to mention, Dan and Matt. Dan and Matt! i love them too much to accept this.

14. Kevin/Matt/Aaron

listen. again, i don’t hate poly couples. i really, really don’t. i just…

Matt literally… just doesn’t mesh well with Kev or Aaron. at all? i don’t understand the thought process behind this.

13. Renee/Jean

i don’t… i don’t hate this one. i just don’t like it. i feel like both Renee and Jean have wayyy better ships (not to spoil anything, but they both make top 5 in different ships)

i don’t think they’re awful, per se, i just don’t really see the chemistry.

12. Allison/Seth

this is an unpopular opinion, i know. but i’ve read a few “Seth lives” fics that redeem him, so i can’t hate him. i can’t, you can’t make me.

believe me, i don’t like it either, but i don’t run this city, the rats do.

anyway, it’s not awesome and i like Ally’s other options better, but it could be good! it could be great! i read too much redemption fanfic!

11. Kevin/Jeremy

i’ll be honest, it’s not my favorite to read when Jean is also in a fic, but if we’re talking in general?

i adore. fics where Kev is falling all over himself trying to talk to Jer are my bread. and. fucking. butter. quicksand has destroyed me. absolutely ruined me.

10. Aaron/Katelyn

starting off the top ten with one of my favorite minor characters ever, this ship is up here because i love Kate so much.

i read too much fanfiction, i know, but i just think she’s so cool?

honestly, i really don’t think Aaron deserves her. she’s that cool. i love her so much. that’s my lady. my babygirl. simply adore.

9. Abby/Wymack/Betsy

i like this one, i really do. all the Fox parents together? it’s perfect. i love it. enough said.

8. Kevin/Allison

listen. i’ve said i didn’t get it before, but honestly? i change my mind. i like this one. i like it a lot.

their personalities would mesh so well. they’re both dramatic, they’d be the funniest fucking couple in the world. i like it a lot.

7. Abby/Wymack

it’s a classic. i ship it, you ship it, the Foxes ship it too. we all ship it. they’re made for each other, and that’s all i have to say.

6. Matt/Dan

if you don’t like this one, you’re lying. they are. the definition. of love.

they’re so cute? so cute? i have no words?

your honor, i love them.

top five time!!

5. Nicky/Erik

god, these two.

if you know me at all, you know i have a soft spot for Nicky. i relate to his story so much, and i hate how dirty Nora did him.

but god, these two. they are love. they are perfect.

i have no words. i just love them so much

4. Kevin/Aaron

i love this one. you know i love this one. everyone knows i love this one.

they’re both assholes, and they’re both hurt in different ways, and i love when they heal together. when they help each other and lean on each other and just- ugh.

i like watching them heal, and i like watching them do it together. (plus best friend’s brother anyone?? a classic trope)

3. Renee/Allison

i love them so much. i love them so much.

they balance each other out so well? they’re so perfect for each other?

also, we need more wlw couples in media in general, and especially in this series.

i love them so much.

2. Jean/Jeremy

you know. you know i love this one (thank you Hoax, and thank you gus_47. you have ruined my sleep schedule and i have never been happier)

grumpyxsunshine, guys. healing together. i love when people heal together. i love it

also, round of applause to us in the fandom for creating an incredibly popular ship between two people who literally never interact in canon. we did that. i love that for us.

and now, for #1.

1. Andrew/Neil

they are love. they. are. love.

it’s a classic but it’s perfect, and i love them so much. no i will not elaborate (this time)

well! thank you for reading, start a (friendly) fight with me if you want, and drink some water

hugs and kisses <3

[welcometogrouchland]

I'll admit- I really wasn't in to the hunter possession thing at first. I thought it was just putting hunter through the ringer AGAIN for no good reason other than to make him cry and as an excuse to merc flapjack. And I couldn't even think of a good reason why they'd do that in the first place.

But, after giving it a second watch (I was watching a very low quality stream when it came out and straight up missed scenes and dialogue) I have begrudgingly come to admit that it works. It's not the direction I would've gone with but it works (LONG thoughts under the cut, but with a TL;DR)

Hunters desire at the beginning of the series was freedom, and now that he actually has that freedom in the human realm he... doesn't know what to do with himself. He seems sort of reluctant to return to the demon realm at all, since Camilla and Luz have become such a stable family unit for him, but gravesfield still isn't his home.

Hunter still misses parts of the EC, namely the person he was as the golden guard- intimating, fearless, self assured, if thoroughly unhappy. He's still trying desperately to define himself in opposition to other things (namely Belos and Caleb) as he slowly discovers his interests. He may be happy but he's just floating through life with no direction at the moment.

Until Belos rears his ugly head again and hunter FINALLY states the things he wants- to study wild magic and be a normal kid who plays flyer derby and goes to hexside (and has an awesome surrogate family w/ the nocedas). He wants to stop his uncle from hurting anyone anymore- now that he doesn't have to worry about protecting himself, because as Luz said earlier, keeping him safe is her job now, their job.

hunter says earlier that he's "not who he's supposed to be, but he likes who he is". Refuting belos is meant to be him cementing that he's not Caleb, not the golden guard, not a vessel or a toy or a tool, he likes the part of him that wants all these things.

So does possession hunter hit better for me now? A bit yea. Again, I probably spoiled myself with my rampant imagination over the last couple of months- and I really would've liked to see more of Belos on his own terms. But at the end of the day it's not antithetical to hunters arc like I first thought it was. It's not a step backwards, it's closure. He recognised Belos was evil and that he didn't deserve what happened to him, now he knows what he does want and he's got people there to help him get it.

But now that hunter has different desires (and I hate hate hate to say this but...) It kind of makes sense for him to maybe carve a new palismen in place of flapjack that represents this change. Flapjack got him this far and a desire for freedom and love will carry him through the rest of his life as he gains more specific goals and wants.

(Also- tangent, even though Belos name drops Evelyn when killing flapjack, he also shouted "CALEB!" In kings tide when he saw the bird. I think flapjack in general reminds him of what he lost, and Belos naming Evelyn is him saying goodbye to her influence, attempting to twist the knife one last time as he again tries to exert control over his brothers image and their relationship. All this to say, no matter who carved it, flapjack is a symbol for both freedom and the wittebane brothers strife. Hence, it's painful and not 100% necessary but reasonable to want to move on narratively)

There's still all the unresolved threads re: Caleb and the Clawthornes and also WHY DOES BELOS WANT BACK INTO THE DEMON REALM. WHAT DOES HE WANT. Belos felt a bit...directionless in general in this one but again I'm holding out to see how his plotline is resolved since it wasn't resolved in gravesfield like we all suspected.

but like that one early review article said, this episode is just act one of the larger feature-length story that season 3 is gonna tell. A sort of owl house movie. Which is both frustrating since I don't think anyone was expecting that (we all had 3 act structure in mind but not this literally I don't think hsvsjfj) and even though I'm happy the releases are being paced in order to maintain hype and conversation within the fandom, I know things won't feel complete til all 3 episodes air.

That's the biggest flaw of Thanks to Them to me- an episode I otherwise really adore, ESPECIALLY in terms of Camilla and Luz's arcs. It's sort of trying to have its cake and eat it too- it knows it can't just be 44 minutes of set up, but it can't be it's own self contained story either. So it's conflicted and thus starts slacking at the climax for me. But it left me so excited to see where the show picks up next with reunions, lore, arcs concluding and reveals!

uhhh TL;DR: belos!hunter was jarring for me at first but I've come to accept it as part of hunters closure even if it's not in my top favourite ways you could've done that, and even though the episodes ending left me wanting, I'm excited to see what season 3 looks like as a whole!

[reflections-in-a-critical-eye]

(sent through here in case you don’t answer notes. replies? idk, i’m new to tumblr. feel free to disregard if you do reply to those.)

Are you willing to engage in a convo/elaborate on disliking Taehyung? I can see that you already have somewhere, but I’m new here so I can’t find that. All that I have gleaned is that his actions have bothered you somehow? To be honest, I would like to critique one of your posts by saying that I think you saying “I don’t have the energy for him, I’m trying to be nice” is, like, harmful? Rude? Maybe a bit weird? Yes, I am Taehyung-biased, but I would still be saying this if you said that to Jimin or Minho or, idk, Harry Styles. I just think it’s an unnecessarily mean and even threatening thing to say to someone without being a bit more upfront about your reasoning. I think it would be helpful to link those old posts you made, though I get that that’s not possible for every ask. Anyway, I guess I’ve become the Taehyung-likers in your inbox (or whatever this thing is called) that you don’t have energy for lol, but I genuinely would like to know your reasoning. Thanks for all the other posts, too, your queer Bangtan analyses are very cool and awesome.

Hey @raspberrytaegi

I saw you sent this same message in the comments. I decided to answer here because it's easier to write. This was during my break, so now I finally decided to actually answer your questions.

In a way, I understand where you're coming from, specifically because it appears that you only recently opened up your blog and you somehow stumbled on to mine and you happened to see me dismissing something that was Tae-related. Now, there was a context to that. Some of it is obvious from my blog, other stuff was more personal in a way. This is not me justifying myself because as you will see in what I will explain down the line, I don't think it's necessary for me to do so.

Me saying I don't have the energy for him was right before I went on a break and put the blog on hold. My initial plan was to wait until right before Christmas, but I just had had enough of anything BTS and the 90 percent of asks that were piling up in my inbox. If I came across as rude in that ask, I was just the same in the other ones I responded during those days because I simply didn't have the patience anymore for nonsense. So, there was that.

For anyone who has been following me for a while, they sort of know what my stance is in regards to Tae and I've never been shy about it. I can't link all my posts about him because it would take too much work and time that I do not have. I also wish my tagging system would be more consistent, but if you are interested, you can check the "tae", "taehyung" "V" tags on my blog and you could probably find some more. And what you will find is that indeed, I'm not a fan of him. But I also don't subscribe to this idiotic mentality of what this fandom would call anti, hater or whatever else label is out there. Which means, I don't have a hate boner for him. I may be biased and that influences the way I perceive him, but I'm also not going to drag him for the sake of it. I had anons saying his friendship with the Wooga squad is fake and just for the show they made which was something that I did not agree. I sort of live posted during the Grammy awards last year and 80 percent of my posts was me enjoying Tae doing his thing. His first trip to Paris was on my radar as well and in a good way. I also talked about the "dating scandal" back in September and how the fans are being shitty towards the entire thing (in way more words anyway. If that is of interest to you, I tagged it under the ship name).

At the same time, I'm not a fan of his behavior. I think he can be shady some times and this is something that would get me stoned on twitter. He can come across as rude and spoiled and that's something that personally doesn't work for me. I also don't expect everyone to agree. Some things that I don't like might be the same reason why others are his fans. They like how Tae is more serious and quiet, I see it as unwilligness to be professional (in some group video messages and even Run BTS episodes. Everyone can have a difficult day and not be in the mood at all, but it's a job where they play games. That's it. And it's not a one time occurence. If it was that case, I probably wouldn't have noticed).

I don't understand his tendency to lie. Especially when there's intention (or it comes across as that). This is a behavior that is seen by his fans as Tae just being himself, he's cool like that. Fine. But not to me. He posts a fake tattoo just because, he says he's having a collab for a Christmas song but that didn't happen and it came out of the blue, and so on.

I don't hate the guy, I just don't vibe with him at all and he's the type of person that I can't be a fan of. That's it. It's not a crime. And I'm also not going to judge you for coming to my inbox and wanting to understand why I think that way because you're Tae biased. I get it. I also don't get some of the opinions written about Jimin and Jungkook so I understand your position.

I also don't mind the passive agressiveness in your ask about me not having the energy for a Tae-biased fan. I "judge" my anons mostly on how they choose to express themselves and the willingness to understand different point of views, not based on who they stan. If someone is at least mostly reasonable (which you were), we can have a conversation.

Lastly, I saw that you liked some of my other posts, thank you! Seeing that you didn't immediately sent me a hate post and being able to see beyond an dismissive answer to an ask I answered played a big part in me being open now in having this conversation.