#and dont mind kind of rereading some of the same scenes

[kisscastellan]

BURNING TOUCH | C. STEWART

pairing ➵ cole stewart x fem reader

synopsis ➵ you’ve only ever seen him in flashes of golden, cropped hair. cerulean blue eyes glazing over the room but never quite meeting yours. you crave his attention, but when you finally get it in the form of a partner Op mission, is it truly worth it?

wordcount ➵ 12K

content warnings ➵ major secondhand embarrassment at times, mean!!!!! cole, mixed signals, reader lowkey doesn’t know how to drive, reader is so down bad it’s pathetic, cole is aware of your feelings the whole time and kind of takes advantage of that, cole being a manipulator??? you might dislike him so much you probably won’t root for them anymore lol…takes place before never fade, character death, suggestive scenes and mentions of s*x, cole stewart is warning enough

a/n ➵ this took so much out of me. i was writing this for the better part of the week, long nights of staying up and having my eyes burn and fingers cramp from writing. this better not flop or i’ll literally cry. i didn’t reread and fix any mistakes after 7k words in and i dont have a beta so if you see any mispelling or sentences out of wack, ignore it pls. i swear my fingers had a mind of their own and i barely planned this fic out and yet it came together?? i didnt notice how hard it would be to write a fic this long and not keep repeating the same phrases/words so sorry in advance, i hope you enjoy!

i know theres not a lot of us the darkest minds fans but to the few that are, i did this for you!!!! i hope there will be others coming across this fic that like it enough to dive into the world of tdm and join the fandom because we need more ppl

p.s i am obsessed with this song and i feel like it fits their situations so please listen to it wherever in the fic you see fit!!!

YOU’RE UNSURE WHY Alban has called you into his office. The sound of your ballerina flats echoes off the league’s facility walls. You wipe your sweaty palms on your pencil skirt, and when that doesn’t work to calm you, you curl your fingers into your palms, leaving crescent shape marks on your skin.

Did you do something? You don’t remember doing anything to break league policy. You were just some nerdy, IT girl! All you did was stick to the computer labs, hacking away for any information the league needed. You know they rescued you, and the other researchers from the quiet, leda corp base in Oregon. You know they needed the little research you guys had on IAAN—so much so they offered you a place at the league in exchange for your loyalty and skills, but did they finally have a reason to boot you?

You thought you were doing good, amazing even. You were the most qualified person down at the labs! They can’t just kick you to the side and let you fend for yourself after you literally betrayed the government for them.

And if they did..you wouldn’t see him again.

Ugh here you go, always having your trail of thought go back to that stupidly annoying, stupidly beautiful, stupidly everything you’ve ever wanted; the man of your dreams.

When you first saw him, you’re a hundred percent sure time stopped. No, literally, the time had stopped. The field agents that broke into the leda corp base you were stationed at had froze all the clocks in the facility and set them back at least fifteen minutes, giving them ample time to get in and out with the packages (aka the kidnapped researchers) while not alarming the actual leda corp workers, deceiving them into thinking they had more time on their lunch break.

You remember him carrying you when your legs gave out from all the running, which reminiscing back, you’re really embarrassed about. But that didn’t deter him one bit, he looked back at your crumpled body and hasted you onto his. Eyes jumping side to side as he takes turns in the facility’s building, watching out for any security or leda corp. It was like you weighed nothing to him, which was probably the case. Your evidence? His strong, muscled body rippled against yours as he ran to the league’s SUVS outside.

You never really saw him frequently after that. If his non official title of “league’s golden boy” was anything to go off of. Which meant he was always ever on the field, constantly being given ops to lead and complete.

But you were content! Especially when you see him all dirtied and bruised coming back from an op, sweat clouding his temple as he bit his bottom lip in controlled pain, a little stumble to his step as he made his way to get bandaged up. You think you might’ve died and then got resurrected when his gaze trailed across the room, and set his eyes on you. It was only for a second of course! But you swear you almost started stripping right then and there and possibly traumatizing a couple of psi teenagers along the way.

You reach Alban’s office, lightly knocking twice to signal your arrival. You wait for his voice to call out a “come in!” And let yourself twist the doorknob.

“Good morning, Miss ____. I hope you found your way quite well. If you may,” Alban stated, arm out to point you to the only other empty seat in front of his desk.

It was now you realized there was another figure in the chair next to yours, and to your sheer luck, it was him.

Did you manifest this? All those days of you quietly trailing him as he made his way around the base, hiding quickly behind walls and pillars when he turned with confusion at your aforementioned footsteps behind him.

Okay fine, maybe you were a little stalkerish. And okay, maybeeee you were a little creepy. But he saved your life! He was quite literally your knight in shining armour, or in his case, black tactical gear.

You realized you might have been gaping a little too obviously, lips parted in barely concealed adoration as you watch his charming, white smile falter in a little awkwardness at your blatant staring. Bemused blue eyes, looking between you and Alban, sending him a look presumably meaning ‘are you catching this?’

Alban clears his throat to break your trance, cutting the silence with conversation to ease the weird tension in the room. The weird tension you caused.

“I suppose you already know Cole?”

Cole goes to introduce himself, hand out to shake yours. When you touch him, you swear you almost let out a whimper. His hand, so firm and filled with aged callouses, held yours so gently you might delude yourself into thinking he wants you to have his babies.

“I’m Cole Stewart, and you must be the famous ____ Alban has been telling me about. I have to say, he didn’t mention you were so adorable.”

Ahh, there it is. That southern hospitality. Growing up, you weren’t particularly attracted to accents. You thought it was a bit cliche when you saw girls your age fawn over British accents of celebrity heartthrobs, but the way his words roll off his tongue, sweet like cornbread, you turn putty into his hands.

Which—you’re still shaking by the way. You let go of his hand, and bring your gaze from his lips. God, can you get any more embarrassing?

“I know I’m Cole! I mean, you’re Cole. I know you’re Cole! We, we met before. You and the league went on a covert op in Portland to rescue the kidnapped researchers and I..I was one of them! So yeah we met before. You actually saved my life, and I didn’t get to thank you for it—and I am still talking, okay, I’m going to shut up now!”

Apparently..you could.

Cole purses his lips and you swear he seems a little mildly uncomfortable. His cheeks look a little red but that could be due to the terrible air conditioning the league has.

Great, first words you speak to your self proclaimed soulmate and he already thinks you’re a grade A freak.

“Okay….,” Alban chokes, clearly experiencing a wave of second hand embarrassment. “Now that introductions are wrapped up, I wanted to tell you exactly why I called you in.”

You sit up straighter when you hear Alban go from friendly, to serious. Aware that this is no laughing matter.

“We know you were with Leda Corp for quite some time before we picked you up. Now, I know you’re not a field agent but because of this, I’m aware that you know your way around one of their facilities, and how they work. How they move.” You can hear the emphasis in his voice with how he makes the words he says leave a purpose.

“Cole here will be going on a solo op, deep undercover at one of Leda Corp bases in Pennsylvania . And I want you to go with him.”

You emit a squeak as you take in everything he’s saying. From the corner of your eye you can see Cole sending you a glance from the sound you made, and you can clearly see him doubting your part in this op.

Alone…he wants you to join Cole…alone. Pennsylvania ? That’s at least a little under two days from California, not counting the stops you’ll need for fuel and sleep, and said undercover mission at the actual base.

You’re going to be alone with Cole for at least a few weeks, and you don’t know whether to jump for joy or walk out this office, straight into the armory where the league keeps their guns, and shoot yourself.

Before you can celebrate, you hear Cole huff from beside you. Apparently, not happy with this arrangement at all.

“Alban, you know I’m not an idiot. I don’t need a partner for this. I know my way around computers and I’ve done undercover ops before with ease. Frankly, I think it’s dangerous if ____ comes along. She’s not trained and that could cause a hindrance.”

Damn, way to completely block your feeble chance at romance.

Alban fixes a stare at Cole, conveying him to back down. Not to argue with him.

Cole looks like he just might not listen, lips opening and closing before he finally licks them, and swallows. He slumps against his chair, and rolls his eyes so far back he resembles a bratty teenager.

“Of course. I’ll go with Cole and help in any way he needs. Not that, he needs any help other than for the mission of course—,” you whip your head to Cole who’s staring at you in perplexity from your accidental innuendo. “I mean, I’m sure you don’t need help for the undercover part either. That wasn’t some dig at you. I’m just letting it be known I’ll be of help. Yeah, that’s what I wanted to say.”

You’re out of breath by the end of your word vomit, observing back and forth between Alban and Cole. Praying to God to let the earth swallow you whole and never let you see the light of day, since distinctly, you cannot act like a normal human being.

Cole gets up without one last glance at you, and swiftly exits the room. Without a doubt thinking to himself you were the most incompetent, and bumbling fool to ever exist.

You’re not so sure he thinks you’re adorable anymore.

Alban sighs and raises his eyebrows in contemplation. Seemingly regretting his previous instruction.

“You’ll be heading out come morning, so pack light and have a conversation with Cole on your route. The league will be giving you a car and a couple of hundred for a few stays at a motel. Once in Virginia, there’ll be a safe apartment where you two will reside and you’ll both go from there.”

You nod and get up from your seat, tripping over the carpet below you. Your hands drop on his desk to steady yourself and you look at Alban sheepishly, who now is wondering how on earth you’ve survived in the league so far.

He stares across your shoulder at the door, indicating you to leave.

You make your way to the door, and walk out.

This day will haunt you for eternity.

“There’s no way you did that.” Vida grimaced, olive toned hand coming to brush through her electric blue locks. Sometimes, you find yourself jealous of the teenager. She didn’t care for what other people thought of her, and expressed herself freely. Something you’ve always wanted to do, yet you were caught up in your awkwardness.

You were the only adult Vida was friends with—other than a certain Cate Connor. Similarly, Vida was the only person you were friends with in the league. Everybody else were mere coworkers.

You sighed and grabbed your face in your hands, stomach churning in shame and anxiety, and to be honest a little bit of lust at the thought of your encounter with Cole. God, were you a masochist?

“Sadly I did, and sadly, I can’t take it back. Just please comfort me and tell me everything will be okay and that he doesn’t hate me. Oh my God, what if he hates me? He probably thinks I’m the biggest freakazoid to step foot in the league!” You cry out, fingers gripping down on your lower eyelids.

Vida’s face morphs into one of disturbance as she watches the pinks of your eyes fill your face.

“First off, stop doing that with your face. Before he walks in and really thinks you’re a freak,”

You gape at her as you follow her instructions, arms crossing in defiance.

“Second, it probably wasn’t even that bad. I haven’t met Cole but from the way these idiots act he seems like he’s pretty nice. I don’t think he took anything personally.”

You bite your lip as you think over Vida’s sentence, hands coming to cradle your abdomen.

“No, no it was definitely bad. He seemed annoyed and I made an INNUENDO! Vida, can you believe it? I literally made it seem like I’d offer up my feminine aspects! I don’t think you understand, Vida! I MADE IT SEEM LIKE I WAS OFFERING SEX.”

The blue haired girl jumps back at your volume, and lifts up her arms in an ‘okay.’

“Again, I’m sure it wasn’t that bad. It was a simple mistake.”

You cry out as you shout, “IN FRONT OF HIS BOSS.”

Vida finally allows herself to express her true thoughts on the matter, unable to comfort you in your situation. Her expression is one of horror as she says, “honestly, yeah, that’s downright fucking terrible. I’m actually feeling sorry that you exist right now.”

You dramatically slide down the wall of her room, basically sobbing to your heart's content.

“I don’t think I can do this..I never want to face Cole ever again.”

She watches you bitch and moan until she rolls her eyes and gets up from her bed, sitting across you to grab ahold of your shoulders.

“____, it’s okay. In a few days time he’ll forget about this and you’ll be skipping your way across the United States, hand in hand, eloping on the east coast.”

You sniffle, hands coming to wipe the snot from your nose. “Really?” You hopelessly mutter, face filled with pathetic love.

“No! Who forgets a first impression like that? I honestly pity the both of you.”

Your jaw is hanging open as you view Vida, she smiles innocently and brings up her ring clad hands to push up and close your jaw. Shrugging in mock sorry.

You don’t stop crying that night.

You feel a wave of deja vu wash over you when you see one of the familiar black, league suvs parked in front of the facility. A pretty blond sits on the hood of the car, arms folded across themselves as he waits patiently for somebody.

That somebody being you.

While Alban had insisted on you and Cole conversing over the plan for the op, tying up any loose ends to be as quiet and neat as possible, you two actually hadn’t seen each other since the meeting. Which you were partly grateful for and partly not. You were glad you didn’t have to see more of Cole yesterday after that horrific encounter, but now you have to face him with no idea on how to go from there.

Cole was dressed in all black, chest covered in a t-shirt and legs clad in jeans. His sparkling belt twinkled in the sunlight if you paid close enough attention, which you always did to anything pertaining Cole and finally the star of it all—his beautiful leather jacket. He really did look like he walked out of every teenage girl’s bad boy fantasy.

When he spotted you, he sent a dazzling smile. That honestly surprised you.

Did he forget about yesterday? Maybe Vida was wrong, maybe he didn’t care. Maybeee He had an epiphany and realized you’re the love of his life and he definitely dreamt about you last night too.

Cole hopped off the car and walked towards you with the posture of someone who has never felt a day of insecurity in their lives. Spine straight, shoulders back, head held high. Once he was in front of you, he moved to grab the duffel in your hand, and motioned for you to follow him to the backseat of the SUV for you to place your backpack filled with necessities.

Once he placed your pathetic excuse of luggage in the back, he swung the door closed and dusted off his hands together. “Well, that should do it.”

You eye him as he opens the passenger door for you and he watches as you buckle in, a glint in his eyes when he hears you mumble a “thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” he smirks. And closes the door after him.

You survey him from the windshield as he makes his way to the driver seat, buckling himself in and inserting the key to start the ignition.

He turns his head to you and gives you a pointed look.

“Ready?”

You’re ashamed to say you gawked for a few seconds before stuttering, “y..yes.”

Cole whistles out an elongated ‘okay,’ and drums his fingers on the wheel, before turning to you again and releases out,

“As much as it is flattering, no more innuendos, K?”

Your mouth drops to form an “O” and you continue to stare at him, petrified, as he nonchalantly pulls out of the driveway without a care in the world. Starting your route across the continental United States.

He did not forget about yesterday. Vida was right, and he did care. He didn’t have some sort of epiphany and you are not the love of his life. Instead of dreaming about you, he probably had a nightmare.

When you and Cole finally talk, it’s sunset. Eight hours into your journey. You’ve crossed two state lines now, California to Nevada, and now, Nevada into Utah.

It wasn’t hard getting past government checkpoints, since you were both adults and weren’t hiding possible psi teenagers in the car. So everything went relatively smoothly.

Cole had turned on the radio about thirty minutes ago, humming along to the song that was playing. Surprisingly, the track that was on was one of your favorites.

Wow, can he get any more perfect? Beautiful and great taste in music. Talk about a killer combo.

Cole clicks his tongue before he glances at you, blinking a few times before bringing his eyes back to the road.

“So, how old are you?” he probes, tone sounding seemingly disinterested.

“Twenty-five, although I’ll be twenty-six soon.”

He nods and contemplates answering your unspoken question, your overt curiosity of his age hanging in the air.

He appears to drop the conversation, and you believe that’s the end of your short lived schizophrenic romantic tension.

Until you notice the way he fidgets in his seat and his sultry voice fills the car.

“I’m twenty-one. Just turned though.”

Twenty-one?! There is no way this casanova of a man is TWENTY-ONE. You can’t believe you’ve been acting a fool for a younger man. Five years wasn’t a big difference, but you’re still feeling like a cougar.

“Oh.. you’re, you’re a little on the young side.”

You curse yourself for stammering.

“Well don’t let my age stop you now, sweetheart.”

You’re sure he can see you short circuit from his peripheral vision from the pet name he uses. You clasp your hands together in caution to keep them away from the button of your jeans, in case you start taking off your pants in a pink clouded judgement.

“Relax, sweetheart. You’re so jumpy it kind of makes me antsy.”

When you don’t reply, Cole continues.

“You know your behavior rubs off on people right? So, if you’re chill, I’m chill. Got that?”

You try to focus on his words, but your brain locks onto the word ‘rubs’ and shuts off. You know what you want to be rubbing on.

You bring a hand up to your hair, skillfully looping it around your fingers in an attempt to calm yourself.

“Sorry, I’m just a little awkward.”

“A little?” He deadpans.

“Okay, a lot. I wasn’t the most popular growing up so I didn’t have much peer socialization and I guess that stuck throughout the years.”

He bites his lip in thought, “I can see that.”

Wow, way to kick a girl while she’s down. Now that you’ve exchanged approximately a hundred and eighty-one words with Cole (yes, you’ve been keeping count), it’s safe to say he’s a bit of a jerk. He’s not the rudest person on earth, no, but he weaponizes his sweet smile and southern charm, to appeal to others when he’s really a hidden asshole.

“Sorry, not everyone wants to be a perfect Cole Stewart.” You reply, scoffing.

“Not everyone can be.”

You narrow your eyes, what the fuck is this? Gossip girl?

Does he think you’re in a shitty 2000s drama? Because if you were, it wouldn’t be gossip girl. It would be pretty little liars, and Cole’s devilish ass would be A.

If Cole notices he’s upset you, he doesn’t show it. And frankly, you’re not sure he cares.

“You’re a bit full of yourself. Has anyone told you that?”

Cole gives you his award winning smirk, blue eyes snapping to you and back to the road all in a second.

“Only everyone who’s ever met me, yeah.”

“Well it’s not cute.”

He throws his head back in laughter, and kisses his teeth in small confusion. Unsure of where your sudden hostility came from.

“Down girl, I’m kind of missing you from a day ago. Innuendos and all.”

And just like that, you’re back to that blushing, ridiculous mess he’d had you in since the moment you saw him.

Missing you? Oh my God, he said he misses you? Of course he’s teasing, but you’ll lock that sentence away for the next time you daydream about him. Maybe in a scenario where he comes back from an op, touch starved and a lonely mess. Begging for you and—wait, you still haven’t answered.

“W..what? You, what are you, huh..?”

He lifts his eyebrows in mock surprise. Looking at you and shaking his head, “didn’t know it’d be that easy to get that version of you back.

“Say, do you act like this around any other guys? Because I’d say I get pretty jealous, and I don’t like to share.”

You think your heart skipped a beat. No, no you’re sure your heart skipped a beat and you haven’t felt it pulse since you noticed and how are you still alive, is your heart still beating? Maybe you should tell Cole to stop by the hospital, wait, no, that’s dangerous. Maybe he can give you a once over? If your heart stopped you’d think he know, would he give you cpr? His large hands pressing repeatedly down on your chest, big enough to maybe cup one of your boobs? Oh god, now you’re thinking of him breathing air into your lungs and now you really want Cole to administer cpr—

“…Yahoo? Earth to easily flustered girl? Are you there? Or did I break you?”

And as quick as he had you, he lost you again with that.

BREAK YOU?

Cole is roaring with laughter right now. Finding large amounts of humour in your current predicament.

“It really is that easy with you, wow. I can’t lie, I am greatly amused right now.”

He’s driving with his right hand as he places his left elbow on the window, head placed on his left palm.

“Man, I’m beat,” he yawns. “Let’s grab a stay at a motel tonight. Although we don’t have enough funds to get two rooms, so please, keep your hands to yourself. Alright?”

“As if I’d ever put my hands on you!”

“Whatever you say, sweetheart.”

Booking a room at Rosa’s Inn was fairly easy. You and Cole posed as obsessed, newlyweds. Stumbling into the lobby, playing perfectly drunk on love with each other. It took a bit of convincing on his end, ‘we can’t let them be even a little bit suspicious, I’m not that old, remember?’

Living in a post-apocalyptic world where young people are scrutinized and taken to camps sure does suck.

Cole steps out of the room’s bathroom, hot steam pouring out from his even hotter shower. His skin is a hue of a rosary shade of pink, stray water droplets falling down his bare chest. He doesn’t seem to mind his semi-clothed state, as he tightens the towel wrapped around his waist and makes his way to his backpack. Pulling out a fresh pair of pajama pants.

“Hello? Put a shirt on as well!” You call out, face blooming into a blush.

Cole moves to face you, hands on his hips as he takes you in with his eyes. You’re bundled up beneath the blanket with a book on your lap. He’s not sure which number it is, but he thinks you’re reading Harry Potter.

“This is how I sleep, sweetheart. Don’t like? Don’t look. However, I really doubt the fact you don’t like it.”

You slam your book shut and place it on the nightstand, sticking your nose up to him.

“You sure do have a chatty mouth.”

Cole crawls onto the bed you now realize is not as big as you had originally thought, body mere inches from yours.

“Yeah, yeah. You should see my brother’s.”

You tilt your head.

“Brother?”

Cole winces, and you realize he didn’t mean to let that slip. You wonder if you should do the good samaritan move and let it go, but after all his bitchy remarks today—you won’t.

“I didn’t know you had a brother.”

He leans back against the headboard and closes his eyes, “there’s a lot you don’t know about me.”

You study his face. Not caring at the fact he can feel you analyzing him.

“How old is he?”

Cole swallows so slowly, you fear he might have a lump stuck in his throat.

“He’s seventeen. My liam, he’s seventeen.”

You're afraid Cole can make out the pity in your voice you try to drown out. “Seventeen? That would mean…do you know if he’s safe? Is he in a camp?”

Cole sits up and avoids eye contact, his tone clipped when he says

“Yes! No.., I don’t know. Last I heard he was in Caledonia. A camp in Ohio. There was talk of an escape but most of the prisoners were killed in the process.”

You bring your hand out in an attempt to comfort him, freezing in the air when you see him move away from your touch. You steadily bring it back down into your lap.

“I’m sure wherever he is, he’s fine, Cole. If he’s anything like you.”

Cole lets your words seep into the room. The fingers on his right hand fiddling with each other.

“What about you? Any siblings?”

You shake your head no and pause when you realize he probably can’t see you facing the other direction. Though with the way Cole acts, he has eyes and ears everywhere.

“No, no siblings. I’m an only child.”

Cole quietly chuckles, no sign of humor in sight.

“Must be nice, huh. No younger siblings to worry about with psi, old enough to not be inspected with paranoia in public. Lucky you..” you don’t take offense to the blatant bitterness he venomously spits out.

You move a little closer to him on the bed and you swear he takes a sharp inhale of breath.

“You’re old enough too, Cole. A few years older than the age cut off of IAAN.”

You survey him as he looks back at you and grins, the kind of fake one people do when they’re hiding something bigger.

“Right. You’re right. I was old enough.”

He lays flat back on the bed and pulls the covers up his body; you take that as a sign to shut off the lamp and follow suit.

While he faces up, you face towards him. On your side.

“Do you think our world will go back to how it used to be?” You say so softly, you’re unaware if he’s heard it.

Your breath hits his neck and if the lights were on, you’d see the goosebumps trailing his anatomy.

He turns his figure to face you and you’re so close you can practically taste him if you dream hard enough.

In the dark, your eyes make out his dead blue ones on yours. And it’s like you can finally witness all the traumatic wounds he’s acquired in his lifetime.

“It’s never going to happen.”

And just like that, your fantasy comes crashing down.

Because you know Cole isn’t talking about your world.

He’s talking about the two of you.

When he turns his back to you, you wait at least thirty minutes before you let yourself cry. Tears soaking the pillow beneath you. You try your best to conceal your sniffles, a few ugly snorts leaving your voice box.

If your eyes weren’t soaking in tears, you might’ve seen a not so asleep, and very much awake Cole tense up. His body seeking a path deeper into the comforter.

Two hearts breaking that night.

Ten hours and a state line later, you’re closer to Colorado than you are to the rest of Wyoming. Cole was speaking to you freely, last night’s blues long gone from his mind. You were even driving now, taking over to let his cramping arms rest. You suppose it’s for the best that he doesn't entertain you…entertain a relationship..a relationship with you. He doesn’t need you distracted for the mission and you need to be prepared for anything.

His attitude towards you now has mellowed you out a bit—you think. He hasn’t said a word to purposely fluster you and get your panties in a twist, which was progress in of itself.

The forest’s greenery is all you drive by on the deserted highway, misty air fogging the pavement.

Cole is curled on his seat, leather jacket off his shoulders; instead, it’s laid across his body—acting as a blanket.

He might be napping.

Or he might be avoiding an exchange with you.

Who knows? You’re just glad you don’t have to look him in the eye, because you’re not confident in your ability to hold back your tears.

Cole twitches in his sleep, eyeballs hastily moving underneath his closed lids.

You try to ignore his weird movement and focus on the road, but Cole’s soft breaths went from slow, to a heavy drag. Lungs pushing out more air than in.

He’s shivering now, not so much to wake actually wake himself.

There’s a car on the road. You admire the shining color of the ruby red sedan in front of your SUV.

You drive for minutes longer until you cannot ignore Cole anymore. What started as a shiver has transcended into consistent compulsing. Worry trickling your voice as you attempt to lure him from his warring slumber.

“I’m sorry,

I’m sorry…I don’t

…claire.”

You struggle to make out the words he’s articulating, his dialogue thick with sleep.

You’re scared and you don’t know what to do, don’t know how to wake him up without having your gaze leave the windshield. Hell, you don’t even know why you’re driving! You’ve never been a good driver to begin with. Cole is shaking so hard now you’re terrified he’s having a seizure. He speaks clearer now, still stuck in a state of sleep.

“Liam don’t leave, they’ll help us. You can’t leave. You can’t leave me. You’re all I have left now.”

You lift your eyes to him and let one hand grab him, shaking him to awareness.

“Cole! Cole please, wake up. It’s just a nightmare. It’s not real!”

You’re dubious as to if he can hear you from within his little comatose state, so you try again. Harder.

“Cole, goddamn it, wake up!”

You look back at the road and literally scream in fear as you almost hit the red sedan from earlier and pull off on the gas to create some distance.

“Fuck you, Cole! This is all your fault. If you don’t wake up, I’ll never forgive you. Wait, I take it back. I’m sorry! I will forgive you. I do forgive you. Whatever is happening right now in there, you got through it. So, please just wake up. You’re scaring me and I’m not good with this kind of stuff. I need you…so just please—”

His eyes splinter open, then immediately shut, flinching from the blinding, penetrative light of the outside world. He sits up in his seat and his jacket falls from his body.

“Alright, alright, woman. You can stop screaming now.”

You rotate to him in glee and relief, “Cole! Thank God you’re awake. You scared me—”

You should’ve paid more attention to the way Cole’s sleepy face goes from fatigued, to down right horror-struck. And you definitely should’ve paid more attention to the road as you whip back so fast you almost break your neck, but it’s too late. In all likelihood, you’re positive you lost your voice from the unholy screech you bestowed into the car. Your SUV collides with that same red sedan and slides off the road; into the highway’s ditch.

It’s soundless for what feels like forever, the only audible thing being yours and Cole's haggard breathing.

Soon, he breaks the tranquility.

“What was it you were saying about needing me?”

Eventually, you’re back on the road. This time, with Cole in the driver’s seat.

It’s been two days and a half since your early visit to the grave and you are at last in Kansas, 3,000 miles into your journey.

Cole mentioned stopping at a grocery store to stock up on quick food (and to siphon gas from nearby cars, which you were impressed with the first time you saw him doing it)

Your legs ache from being in a vehicle for more than twelve hours each day, but you couldn’t complain. Not after the shit you got you both into.

Cole parks behind the store, the car hidden from view. He twists the key and slips it into his now blue jeans pockets, turning to you to say,

“Go on ahead and find some food for us to eat. I’m gonna go and do my thing.”

You listen without a fuss, and keep conscious of your surroundings. Making yourself acquainted with the cars parked in front.

There’s one car, two cars, red car, blue car—hold up, why were you reciting Dr. Seus? You must be losing your mind.

As you continue walking you abruptly stop. Red car? You leisurely twirl around and really look at the aforementioned tincan.

That’s definitely the same sedan you crashed into!

Call it a coincidence or fate, you just hope they don’t recognize you and demand a bill for reparations.

You’re in the abandoned supermarket, browsing the aisles as you pick anything that sounds even remotely filling. Stomach grumbling in anticipation at the calorie filled “dinner” you’ll be having with Cole tonight.

Hehe, like a date!

You’re giggling to yourself without a care in the world until you fix your gaze up and make eye contact with brown eyes. Eyes that are definitely not Cole’s. Eyes that flash blue and you’re sent thrown back, spine colliding into the very sharp edges of the shelves.

“Fucking shit…” you groan, eyes rolled back into your head from the pain. Stupid fucking super-powered kids, now teenagers are even more pains in the asses.

“C’mon let's go, Priya. Just—just leave it there’s no time!”

You move to sit up and again, you are sent down. Face pushed into the floor.

“Dude! What’s your deal? I won’t snitch!” You bark, teeth grinding against each other to stop the moans of pain from leaving your throat.

“Yeah right, like I’d believe anything an adult says.” The brown skinned boy snarls, his emotions so strong the veins on his neck are protruding from beneath his skin.

The girl he called out too, Priya, grabs his arms and pulls him back. Head shaking in disagreement at the unnecessary amount of force he’s using on you.

“Let’s just go, she’s not worth it.”

And with that, they disappear out of the store. A car’s ignition fading out of sound as it drives off.

You’re still on the floor rubbing your back when Cole walks in, his boots crunching on chip bags and soda cans in disarray. When he sees you he tilts his head in skepticism.

“What…,what happened here?”

You close your eyes and lay on the ground, in a moment to ground yourself.

“You don’t even want to know blondie.”

You wish that was the last time you encountered those kids who thoroughly kicked your ass, but of course the universe wasn’t on your side.

Maybe this is what you get for being nosy. You should really mind your business sometimes. Better yet, glue yourself to Cole’s back so he doesn’t have to wind up in the messes you cause.

It’s a day later when you see Priya and the boy again, their striking red car now outside of a stranded mall.

You were only supposed to walk in, do a look around for anything you needed and walk out as Cole siphons gas again.

In spite of that, you couldn’t ignore the sobs coming from above you as you sneakily hid behind many of the damaged counters. Climbing your way up the dead escalators with the sound of a mouse.

“It’s okay Priya, I’ll get us out of these. He won’t be back until a few minutes. Please, stop crying.”

Priya doesn’t respond and continues to choke on her own spit, the fear evident in how she breaks her voice bawling.

“After everything..we’ll go back again. I don’t want to go back to that stupid camp. Where we’ll be separated.”

The boy lets out a whine at Priya’s agony, desperately trying to say anything to help her feel better.

“We won’t! We won’t! Don’t worry, I’ll save us. I will.”

He stops his reassurances when he hears your footsteps. You know they’re thinking you’re probably the skip tracer who caught them, and you’re feeling extra bad you haven’t announced your presence otherwise.

The boy glares when he sees you and you haven’t seen a look of hatred that bad since you accidentally stole Callie’s science books in the fourth grade.

“You!” He hisses, anger taking over his senses.

“Me?” You exclaimed

“I knew you were a good for nothing skip tracer. You’re all such pathetic, lowly cunts.”

You bring your hands up in offense

“Woah, I’m no skip tracer. I’m actually going to be your white knight because I am releasing you.”

You walk over behind Priya and undo the knots in the rope, the girl immediately rushing to her friend’s side to mirror your actions.

When she’s done, they both rub at their raw wrists. You know they’re doubting your intentions but you don’t mind. It’s hard being a teenager in this world now.

Priya is the first to speak up. She’s clutching the boy’s arm into her chest from behind him. Her words are basically squeaking out of her.

“Why did you help us…”

You watch for a second and are simply unsure of what to say. You know why you helped. Because it’s wrong and kids should never be in those godforsaken camps. Yet you’re having trouble voicing it out loud.

The boy has enough of your silence and his eyes spark cerulean again, but doesn’t do anything but intimidate you. “Well then, go on. Answer her.”

“It was the right thing to do. Of course I’ll help. I don’t like or trust the camps. And I definitely hate skip tracers even more. So there was only one real option left to do.”

The two give each other a glance and seem to communicate with their eyes. You can see something deeper in them than friendship. The care he handles her with as he grabs her tiny hands into his, the admiration that practically bubbles out of her for him.

They look at you and give you little smiles, well at least Priya did. Curly haired boy just curled his lip.

“Well, whatever it was, thanks. You saved our asses right now.”

“Yay, time for celebration.” You joke as you pump your fists in the air, but that’s short lived as you hear the sound of frequency fill the room. The teenagers crumpled to the floor in pain, screams of terror in the air.

You turn to look at your intruder and get pistol whipped across the face, the force of it reeling you on the ground.

You can’t even bring yourself up to defend you and these vulnerable kids because you have a gun now pointed at you, with a very trigger happy man behind it.

“You bitch! These are my captures. My rewards. I’ll be damned if I let some thieving bitch steal my money.” He spits, saliva spraying your face.

“You are one sick son of a bitch, you know that?”

He eyes you with mock pity, thin lips frowning in sarcasm.

“Whatever darling, you should’ve stayed out of my way.”

He maneuvers around you to get to Priya and her boyfriend, and you just can’t. You can’t let anything get in between this sweet boy and his even sweeter girlfriend. They��re just kids. They don’t deserve to get seperated. And you don’t know what compels you. Maybe this moment takes you back to the night at the hotel. Cole opening up for the love he has for his brother Liam, the suffering he endures from the separation of his brother. You see the same look of love in Priya’s eyes, in her boyfriend’s. Not quite the same type of love, but love nonetheless.

That is why you get up, with all your might, and run towards him. Arms stretched out to do something—anything, to get him away from them.

He whirls around and brings his weapon back up, barrel an inch in front of your face

“Oh, no you don’t—”

Bang

You never knew what death felt like. You always thought it’d be something quick and fast, like a flash. Hitting you so hard you cannot recover. Then nothing. Just darkness. Not even misery.

You never knew what death felt like. And today, you don’t have to as you watch the bloodied body of the skip tracer fall to the floor. You’re confused as your hands fly to your face, dabbing it all over in happiness that it wasn’t blown off.

You peek up and see who you now want to be the father of your babies, Cole, standing there with a gun in his hand. A gun he had to use because you couldn’t stay in one place.

He tucks his firearm underneath his jeans, as he trips over to you. Legs moving so fast, he almost loses his balance.

Cole grabs your face in his hands and you’ve never seen him look so scared before.

“What were you thinking!”

It slaps you as you come to the conclusion you could’ve died today and tears well up in your eyes. Small drops of water streaming down your face.

“I don’t..I don’t know. I’m sorry, I’m sorry Cole. I’m such a fuck up. I don’t listen, I get us into car crashes, and now..now,”

He calms down as he considers your crying, hands now falling off your forefront and onto your waist. Pulling you into a hug.

“It’s okay. Really, It’s okay sweetheart. I’m not..I’m not mad. Calm down, okay?” He strives to soothe you, but it doesn’t help.

He hauls away from your ear to yell out

“Can somebody turn that fucking thing off?”

Priya and her boyfriend scramble to the device, setting it off. Sighs of relief leave them as their mind and ears recover from the attack.

If you weren’t so busy crying, hanging onto Cole’s body for support, you would’ve noticed the effect the frequency had on him. Almost like it hurt him. Same way it hurt Priya and her boyfriend.

The black boy, who you now know as Kalil, shocks you with a hug. You can feel a wet spot on your shoulder as he thanks you for saving his Priya, for saving him. When he pulls back, he schools his expression.

That tough boy act will never leave him as long as he has Priya around to protect.

When Priya goes to thank you, she squeezes you so tight you can’t breathe. You rub her back until she deems it okay to let go.

Cole waits in the SUV as you say your goodbye to the psi teenagers, and they make their way into their red car. Driving off into the beautiful Kansas sunset. Never for you to see again.

You watch Cole as he angrily paces back and forth in front of you in the rusty, dingy motel you found yourselves in. His shirt is clinging to his form as he lifts his arms to hold his face in his hands, the sleeves straining against his biceps.

You know he’s upset at you. You tried so hard to avoid his line of sight throughout this whole op. You don’t know when his attitude toward you shifted—where that initial southern hospitality went. Well, wherever it is, you hope it finds its way back because you don’t think you can deal with this aggravated Cole anymore.

And you know—you know you should be apologizing for almost getting you two compromised. Your near death probably traumatizing him further. Adding to the already heavy baggage he has to carry. But you can’t help the way your eyes unconsciously rake across his form, his booted feet all but silently stomping inside the room. You always knew Cole was stunning, hell that’s why you have a stupid, school girl crush on him, but the way he looks now, arms littered with scars, old and new, black cargo pants held up with a belt, you just can’t stop yourself. And you know you should be on your knees right now begging for forgiveness, yet here you are now imagining yourself on your knees for something completely different.

“I can’t leave you alone for one second without you getting hurt, can I?” He seeths, teeth gritted together as if he were in pain.

You lick your lips and bite down on your bottom, eyebrows downcast in shame as his disappointment fills you.

“I..I’m sorry, I, I didn’t know what to do—”

Cole cuts you off with a sharp look, boots padding over to stand in front of you. He’s never been this close to you before. Up close, you can see all the scars littered across his skin from years of training. His blue eyes are like the deepest depths of the ocean, light long gone from the world’s beating. You don’t know what’s worse, staring straight into his eyes maintaining the strongest of eye contact you’ve ever held in your twenty three years of living, or staring at his plush pink lips that you know are about to form a sentence that will hurt you deep into your core.

“That’s the thing! You never know what to do. You’re always going around and being reckless, almost getting us caught. God, I should’ve just pushed to do this myself. You’re irresponsible and you don’t know what you’re doing.”

With every word he spits out he takes a step forward, and you take a step back.

“You’re a liability! A nuisance. You could’ve gotten yourself killed, which you almost did. Hell, you could’ve gotten me killed. Do you not think about the safety of your team members?”

He keeps going, and going, and he doesn’t stop. Not until your knees hit the back of the motel’s bed and you drop onto it with a soft plop.

You look up at him and hope he can see the apology in your eyes. The sincere regret you’re trying and desperately failing to convey. Wet eyes shaking back and forth between his as you whisper, “I’m sorry.”

“I just wanted to help them. They were scared and they were hurt. And so, so in love. I couldn’t let anything happen to them. I just couldn’t.”

Something in his expression shifts as he watches you come undone at the seams, your face scrunched up in agony as if the mere thought of those two kids losing each other kills you.

Cole doesn’t know what crazy projection you placed onto those two kids, Kalil and Priya, is doing to you. Are you envious of their love? He doesn’t get why a grown woman is losing control over her dignity over an emotion so flickering as romantic love.

Cole knows you have a crush on him. It was fairly obvious the first day he laid eyes on you, wasn’t the first day you laid eyes on him. At least that’s what he thought until he introduced himself and you stammered out an ‘I know I’m Cole! I mean, you’re Cole. I know you’re Cole! We, we met before. You and the league went on a covert op in Portland to rescue the kidnapped researchers and I..I was one of them! So yeah we met before. You actually saved my life, and I didn’t get to thank you for it—and I am still talking, okay, I’m going to shut up now!’

Cole remembered thinking damn, you need an adderall. He also remembered the familiar feeling of burning in his veins, the fire flushing his skin a subtle red—he doesn’t know whether his psi abilities caused his blush, or if his blush—and by extension you, caused the flame to ignite his body.

You were pretty. There’s no denying that, maybe even beautiful. Your complexion was glistening with a little sweat in the dark room, whether that was from the adrenaline earlier, or the warmth of fire radiating off his body he now recognizes as his psi powers reacting to you, he doesn’t know. But that doesn’t stop him from doing what he does next. Maybe he should’ve given it more thought. You were four years older than him; closer to five—which wasn’t a lot but you were already an adult when the IAAN disease broke out. You’ve seen life, probably had your rebellious teenage phase, partying and drinking and all. Yet he felt so much older than you, it felt wrong. He felt the need to protect you, shelter you from broken and dangerous things. He doesn’t know where this feeling came from, but right now, in this room, he is the most broken and dangerous thing.

And as that last thought leaves him, Cole kisses you.

His lips move against yours, hungrily trying to capture all of your taste. He can feel your confusion from the way he went from a hundred to a thousand all in the span of five minutes, but he doesn’t stop. Your soft lips hesitantly start to push back against his and he feels your hands slide up beneath his shirt, onto his waist. He releases a sharp breath from the feel of your cold hands on his chest, palms no doubt feeling the burning sensation circulating his body.

“Cole, Cole you’re heating up..” You try to whisper into his mouth but he lets out a dismissive hum, his kisses distracting you from your remark.

“Ignore it,” he purrs. He should really back off you now, he can feel his control slipping from the hold he has on his red abilities but he can’t stop. He physically needs you against him, on him, he’s sure now that any other woman is completely ruined for him because of you.

He moves back to pull you up with him, off the bed. Cole breathes out a “jump” that you obediently listen to, legs wrapping around his taut waist. He’s still kissing you, not once leaving your form as he moves across the room to push you up against the wall. He can feel your lungs desperately grasping for air, as your hands slide up his biceps, neck, and finally to his head; fingers scratching at the roots of his military cropped, blond hair.

He finally lets go to inhale, head moving into the space beside your head. You take this as an invitation to wrap both hands around his nape, lips sensually placing open mouth kisses on his neck.

And he lets you have this—have the moment you’ve been fantasizing about since you met him. He lets you touch him, kiss him, as you slowly rock against his pelvis. He knows he’s whimpering like a teenage boy; like a pathetic virgin. But isn’t that what he is? Cole is twenty one, which made him fifteen when IAAN happened. And life wasn’t normal after that—he didn’t get to party, didn’t get to be a troublemaker teen. He feels inadequate for you—he doesn’t know how to please you. And God, does he want to please you.

Cole knows you’re experienced, well, enough experience to embarrassingly overshadow his lack thereof; if the way you’re making him feel is enough to go off of. He lets you keep going, wetting his neck and finally making your way back to his mouth, his eyes open in minor shock when you push your tongue down his throat but close again as he lets you lead. Cole can feel the hand he has pressed to the wall start sizzling, eyes opening to the burn mark he’s made on the tarnished wall. He feels you release him to inspect the sound and he can’t let you know he’s a red. It would physically kill him to give you the knowledge that he was unlucky enough to be the exception to the age cut off of IAAN. So what he does next honestly will take his ego a million years to recover.

Cole moves the hand on the wall to the back of your skull, locking you in place as he loudly pants into your mouth to distract you. If he was anyone but Cole, but the man you had an infatuation on, he knows this obnoxious moaning would be a turn off rather than a turn on. And he lets himself relish in it for a second, let’s himself obsess over the fact that anything he does—enchants you. And he allows himself to love it.

Cole tightens his grip on your thighs and hauls your bodies back, sauntering over to the bed.

You can’t actually believe this is happening.

You. Cole. You and Cole. You and Cole kissing.

This must be a reward from the universe for your good deed today. Thank you Kalil and Priya, you chant in your head.

Cole is the most gentle you’ve seen him. Paying extra detail to the way he handles you. He’s hovering above you like a hunter to prey, but in this minute he’s caring for you like no other.

His hands smooth down your sides, reaching the bottom of your shirt. He leans off your mouth to attach his lips to your ear, whispering, “do you mind?”

Mind? Do I mind? You almost tell him he can do whatever the hell he wants with you for as long as he pleases in a love induced hysteria but you choke out a “no” and he pulls your shirt off of you.

You watch Cole breathe you in, his flushed cheeks painting his pale skin. You think he looks a little shy but you brush it off, there’s no way Cole’s ever shy.

Cole grabs your hands and sets it on his hips, wanting you to mimic his actions.

And oh my God, you’re UNDRESSING COLE STEWART.

His shirt is off in the next second, your tops thrown to the ground. You graze up his chest, liking the way his abs constrict with his inhales. You take notice of his light pink nipples, the color complimenting the rest of his complexion.

He stops your gawking with his tongue, teeth clashing in a dominating battle.

What happens that night is both a curse and a blessing.

Something between you and Cole had changed.

You’re not quite sure if it’s for better or worse.

It’s now been a week into your way across the United States. Two days since that fateful night, and five since the beginning. You and Cole have reached your designated safehouse (re: apartment) and already called your rooms.

Now a matter of wait before you embark on Leda Corp’s doors.

Your Leda ID badges were waiting for you on the coffee table, stolen from two Michigan native employees who were supposed to start this month, but had received a call from their Leda to let them know they won’t be needing their services anymore.

That call being from the league. In reality, Leda will be needing services. Just not from those two.

Your ID reads “Inanna Sparks,” one of the mentioned employees. And when you tilt your head to catch a glimpse of Cole’s, you see a “Spencer D. Sparks.”

Huh, they must’ve been married.

You and Cole don’t talk for the two day wait period. It’s awkward and suffocating getting used to live with someone else, even when you know this will all end sooner rather than later.

You’re just begging for your first official day to start.

The first day on the job takes you back to the time of your capture. The ceiling in this base is higher, but all Leda Corp facilities look almost identical. You're dressed in a tight, office pencil dress. The cloth muted in color. Your lab coat hangs off your body almost perfectly, copying the perfect fit of your shoes.

When you had impatiently waited for Cole in the morning, heels repeatedly tapped the ground. You swear he paused from your outfit. No doubt taken aback.

Surveying his clothes, a blue button up tucked into grey slacks. An identical to your lab coat hanging from his shoulders.

“They sure didn’t hold back with your wardrobe.” He commented, blue eyes diverting back to his pockets to fish out the car keys. Undoubtedly trying to conceal the hunger that resides in his chest.

“Can’t say the same for you. You look plain.”

“Haha, very funny.”

You were doing a day’s work, fingers memorizing the smooth feeling of the keys. Everytime your coworkers call out to you to remind you of your break, you let them know you wouldn’t be taking one to appear as if you’d not want to disappoint. When you were really trying your damn best to get into their software.

Fuck, when did their system get so advanced?

You didn’t see much of Cole, or Spencer you should say. Spencer, your husband. Since he worked in another department, but you know you’ll be clocking out together. Making your way to your temporary home.

Twelve days into your op, you hit a breakthrough. You finally broke down their firewalls and made your way into their files containing everything they had on IAAN. And when you say everything, you mean everything.

Quickly log out your assigned computer and stand from your desk. Heels clicking the ground as you make your way out of the lab.

Where did Cole say he worked again?

You maneuver your way through the white halls, the smell reminding you of a busy hospital.

You turn a corner and bump into a solid chest, head banging against it so hard you see stars.

“Sorry!” You murmur, and keep your head down as you attempt to walk by them.

“Sweetheart, it’s me.”

You spin on your heel to face him.

“Cole! I was just trying to find you.”

“I know, I felt your want two miles away.”

You’re offended and lightly shove him back, his hands coming up to stop your wrists.

“I’m being serious. I think I found what we need.”

“You found the,” he stops himself. He analyzes the hallway before deeming it unsafe to conversate. Grabbing your forearm as he drags you to a room he’s somehow acquainted with.

Shutting the door behind him, Cole starts blurting his question.

“The cure. You found the cure to IAAN?”

You nod brainlessly, skull moving up and down in a swift motion.

Cole permits out a sound mixed between a laugh, and gasp. Overjoyed with your share of research.

He licks his lips and runs his hand through his now slightly longer, short hair.

“Okay, okay this is what we’re going to do. We’re going to sneak in through the back tomorrow and download everything we need and then get the hell out of here.”

Cole still looks in shock. You know he’s excited about the information. Already brimming with curiosity.

He notices you eyeing him and you feel sparks fly in the room. Your breathing is the only audible thing ricocheting off the walls.

And then he kisses you. He kisses you so hard your legs give out. That doesn’t deter him though, because he just moves to hold you up by your waist. Lifting you slightly off the ground, a singular stiletto slipping off your feet.

You hear the door swing open and a throat clear. Cole moves away from you after he knows you’re able to hold your own weight. You kneel down to fix your shoe, and move back up to hastily tidy your coat.

The man at the door is slightly older, glasses perched on his large nose. He looks disappointed and disgusted at your unprofessional behavior.

“Please, pick another room next time.”

And he walks out.

Cole spins around to you and feels the need to explain himself.

“I didn’t know what else to do. We would’ve look suspicious—”

You hope he doesn’t see the sadness in your face as you lift your arm up to stop him.

“I know..I know. It’s…okay.”

“..is it?”

Cole rolls his eyes, and you know he’s about to pick an argument.

“So what? You just let me kiss you and we won’t talk about it?”

You’re bewildered and are at a loss for words.

“It was for the mission what is there to say..you’re the one who kissed me.”

His features are enraged, mouth curled into a snarl. You know his fists are closed without even having to take a sneak.

“Oh, so was having sex for the mission too?”

Cole knows he crossed the line when you step so far back away from him, he thinks you’re ready to sprint out the door.

He knows he crossed the line. Distinctly because he’s the one that said nothing will happen between you. He didn’t even have to imply it your first night together. He practically painted a sign and attached it to your figure with the words Hey! yeah I’m talking to you loser! We’ll never be together!!

You purse your lips to hold back the water in your eyes.

You don’t even give him the satisfaction of a reply and walk out the door.

You and Cole don’t make up till the night after your break in of Leda Corp.

You guys make your way back to your apartment and you watch as Cole sews the flash drive into his jacket.

He lifts it into the air with a content smile, displaying a startling resemblance of rafiki with simba.

“And there we go. Covert op finished with a breeze.”

Cole finishes with hesitance, bothered by your lack of enthusiasm.

As if fed up with your attitude, he drops the jacket to stand up. Feet taking him to sit in the sofa across from you.

“Come onnn, what’s it going to take for you to talk to me again?”

“An apology, perhaps.” You glare.

He swings his head side to side and tongues his cheek.

“Okay, totally fair,

I’m sorry. I didn’t mean what I said and I was wrong and I shouldn’t have let myself get so angry.”

You know he’s guilty from the way you see the fidgeting of his right fingers. The noticeable tick you picked up on your first few hours driving together.

You face your lap with your hands clasped together. Not wanting to look at Cole in fear you’ll forgive him.

But he’s persistent, you’ll give him that. As he gets up to kneel in front of you, strong hands making themselves at home on your face.

“Please sweetheart, please forgive me.”

He plays dirty.

He’s aware of your feelings for him and he manipulates himself in ways to appease you. Not ever letting you escape from his grasps.

He plays dirty, yet you don’t care.

You lean in and he waits impatiently for you to connect. Cole smiles into the kiss and licks into your mouth, your tongues binding themselves together.

You kiss, and kiss, and kiss until the loud ringing of a phone pours into the room.

Cole ignores it and proceeds to lose himself in you, but you don’t. You delicately propel his shoulders back, disconnecting with a string of saliva.

“Cole..you should get that.”

He composes himself and nods once, then twice and then for a third time.

“Ye..ah. Yeah I should go do that.”

His feet catch on the carpet, staggering him.

You’re afraid the phone will stop ringing before he reaches it, but are pleased when you hear him answer with a breathless “hello?”

It’s quiet for a few odd moments before an alarmed Cole is practically yelling into the phone.

“Liam? I thought you were at a camp—”

Liam must’ve interrupted his sentence because Cole is quiet again. Eyebrows furrowed in concern for the boy on the other side of the phone.

“Just…stay low. Meet me here at this address. __ ___ ____ ___. Apartment 53. And please, for the love of God. Do not get caught.”

He hangs up and his hands move to play with his hair.

“Change of plans, we have to stay here for a couple days longer.”

When you meet Liam, you thought you were seeing double.

He stands paranoid next to Cole, untrusting of you. His blond hair is lighter than Cole’s. Straws of yellow reaching his ears.

You know he’s only acting this way because he’s down right terrified of adults. League agents in particular.

Cole rolls his eyes with irritation at his brother’s antics. Apparently uncaring of why.

“Lee, stop being weird. You’re scaring her.”

His brother fixes him with a glare so enraged, you’re afraid he’s going to pounce on him.

“I’m scaring her? You brought me into a house with a league agent. I’m the one shitting my pants!”

Again, Cole rolls his eyes and makes his way into his room. Not before calling out, “I’m league too, or did life on the run knock some screws loose little brother?”

You examine Liam as he regards his brother, no doubt pissed to oblivion.

“You are such a jerk.”

“This jerk is the reason why you’re not cuffed up, fifty miles away in a car making it down to a camp. You’re welcome.”

Liam gets quiet after that. Obviously thankful for his brother, but still mad.

Cole is back in the living room with his boots laced on his feet. Keys thrown back and forth between his hands.

“I’m going to go pick us up some food. You two, play nice.”

And with that Cole leaves.

You wished you had stopped him though. You wished you had done anything but call out a quick bye, words covered with fondness.

You didn’t know Liam’s presence would be Cole’s demise

The last time you and Liam saw Cole was when his lean body was shoved aggressively into a government van. Outcome from the fact that Liam was noticed by your nosy, elderly bitch of a neighbor.

You didn’t even get to stop Liam from running away with the wrong jacket.

The jacket with the flash drive.

It wasn’t long before Cole was back at the Los Angeles league base. Safely rescued by the infamous orange Ruby Daly and her blue teammate, Vida Bautista.

Cole was grateful for the rescue. He’s no damsel, but it would’ve been one hell of a pain in the ass if he had to get himself out. He’s glad he’s important enough in the league that they even considered retrieving him. If it was anyone else, he’s sure they would’ve been six feet under by now. Long forgotten by the same organization they endangered their lives for.

Cole was grateful to Ruby for the rescue.

What he wasn’t grateful for were her words of urgency as she kept repeating the same two words, tangles of her mind deep in his.

“The flash drive. Cole, the flash drive.”

And damn, he knows he should be trying his very best to think of that stupid little thing, but he’s finally back and he hasn’t seen a glimpse of you.

Now he’s imaging you. How you’ll react when you know he’s safe and sound. Maybe you’ll do a little squeal and jump in his hands, eyes sparkling with affection for him.

He thinks back to your three weeks together. The fighting, the bickering, the kissing.

When he remembers someone was currently into the depths of his mind, living the memories he’s replaying along with him it’s too late.

He blushes a crimson so red, and stutters out an apology you wouldn’t believe this was the same Cole three weeks ago.

He sees Ruby regard him in disgust and watches her walk out.

He calls out “sorry!” to Alban for his lack of participation in Ruby’s mindhunt and follows her out.

They pass the showers without her noticing he’s trailing behind her and he shoves her into the bathroom with the little force he can muster with his injuries.

Cole draws the curtain and turns on the faucet.

Ruby reminds him of Liam; the way these two are so paranoid beyond belief. He fights her off him when she moves to attack him. Which was his fault really, maybe he shouldn’t have been manhandling traumatized girls.

“Calm down! I’m here to talk about Liam!”

He can tell she knows her jig is up from her attempt to act clueless of this “Liam” he knows they both know.

He listens as she tries to scold him on something about bringing his brother back into the league. The infatuation she has for Liam is so plainly obvious.

He tells her his old address in North Carolina and sends this teenage girl on a wild goose chase for his jerkass little brother.

When Ruby walks her legs to leave, she turns to him with a scornful expression.

“Instead of teasing me about your brother, maybe you should put on your big boy pants and figure out whatever the hell you have with that girl. The girl from your op.”

She sadistically smiles at the way his features drop. He hates that this girl can enter and leave his mind as she pleases—literally.

And with a bounce of her black curly hair, she walks out the showers.

Cole takes this time to himself. Leaning back on the stall.

He doesn’t get to relax for long before the curtain opens again and he sees you.

“What were you doing in here with that girl? You know she’s sixteen right?”

God, how he missed you. You with your feelings, not all of them innocent but all so sweet. You with your jealousy. You with your little bursts of anger.

You could almost punch an already beaten up Cole for the way he laughs at you. Not taking you seriously.

“Relax, I was filling her in about Liam. Showers are the only place not recorded.”

You’re embarrassed at your over exaggeration and drop your shoulders.

“Oh.”

“Yeah..oh.”

You move to place a hand on his shoulder and for the first time, he lets you. You move it to his face and he leans into your touch.

“I’ve missed you.”

You don’t understand why Cole denies himself of this. Of your love for him. You know he wants you too, otherwise he wouldn’t have happily participated in all of your frivolous activities.

You see the moment he pulls back. Shields himself from feeling any longer.

And you can’t take it anymore.

“Why are you like this?”

“…Like what?”

“Like an asshole! Are you playing with me? That has got to be the only explanation. You let me kiss you and touch you, you get mad when we don’t talk about it and when we do, you get mad at that too. So what’s it going to be this time?”

You must’ve hit an already exposed nerve because Cole looks close to strangling you.

“Why can’t you understand we can’t be together.”

“And who’s saying that?”

“I’m saying that. I am. Sweetheart, take a look around. How can we focus on us, when the u.s has turned to shit and we’re fucking with the government every second of the day.”

You stubbornly turn to the water droplets sliding down the wall, your wet clothes sticking to your body. The small container you both are in is fogging up with steam.

“That doesn’t stop other people so I’m not sure why that should stop us.”

He stands to his full height, and he’s still so mad. You don’t like when he’s mad. Especially at you.

“Because other people aren’t reds!”

Chills cover your body despite the heat of the shower. A puzzle scatters in your broken relationship with Cole, yet there is finally that one missing piece, waiting to be put together.

“But..you’re twenty-one?”

He laughs, though he doesn’t find it all that funny.

“Unlucky me.”

You shake your head and motion to grab him, but Cole doesn’t let you. He walks backwards, minding his step to not slip on the water.

“Cole, I don’t care what you are. I love you, and I’ll always love you. And even if you don’t love me back, I don’t care. I just want you to allow yourself to feel what you feel for me.”

Cole’s in torment.

He doesn’t like hurting you, he doesn’t know why he does it. He’s scared of losing control. Every Time he’s angry, he can feel the little flame in his chest waiting to explode in a hot fire.

“I’ll hurt you. Hell, I’ve already been hurting you.”

“Cole, you can hurt me till my heart physically cannot handle it anymore and I’d still choose you.”

You know that’s what breaks him because he runs to you. Pouring all his desires into you as you become one. His bruised hands are roaming on your body, anywhere you’ll let him.

And that’s everywhere.

You love Cole.

Cole saved your life not once, but twice. Your own personal knight in shining armour anywhere you went.

You love his short hair. The color of the sandy beach. And you love his ocean blue eyes even more. His thin lips and high cheekbones, strong arms and long legs.

You love everything about him.

You love Cole.

And Cole loves you.

© kisscastellan | all rights reserved

[shubaka]

3 and 17? 👀

3. Describe the creative process of writing a chapter/fic.

I usually just start with a general idea -- sometimes it's just a concept and sometimes there's a specific scene I want to explore. Then I'll try to find one major thing I want to tell in the story.

Next ... I just... start writing lmao. As i write more ideas come to me, and when they do I will add notes to an outline or in the same document as place holders so I can go back and flesh them out later.

I do a lot of "yes, and..." while I'm writing so a lot of the time I'm just like "oh, okay, I guess we're going here. Okay." So I dont get too bogged down with outlines. It changes every time I sit down to write, but there are obviously a few essential scenes that I am actively writing towards, even if hey end up changing in some way because of the new, unexpected things that pop up while writing. I'm basically just winging it 70% of the time, but that's part of the fun.

With multi-chaptered fics, it's essebtially the same but I try to keep better notes, especially if I realise something may affect a future plot point or character's understanding/motice/etc. And I'll end a chapter whenever it feels right. I dont really go into the chapter with a specific plan, just a general idea of what I want to accomplish and then wing it lmao. Does this sound stressful??? (This is also why I could never give an estimate on the total words or chapters for a fic) Anyway, I find being less rigid and more open to playing around with it keeps things more fun and motivating for me as a writer.

17. What do you do when writing becomes difficult? (maybe a lack of inspiration or writers block)

Hmm, sometimes the best thing for me to do is just stop and take a break from it. But if I am really set to work on that particular fic then I might reread some past scenes I wrote, to see if there's something i can pull from and explore further.

Sometimes I'll think of what kind of scene I want to write next and just come up with one line of dialogue or one descriptive line. It can be the beginning, middle, or end of that scene. Write that one line. Edit it. Reword it. How do those nuances change the feeling of it? Think of what emotions I want to draw from it, or what emotions I want it to lead the character (or the reader) to. How do I get there? Maybe if x happens right before/after? And just kind of build off of that line by line. I don't know if I'm explaining myself very well, but I hope that makes at least a bit of sense!

Some other things I might do:

Work on another wip

Do some fic prompts

Rewatch a bit of the show (or movie or read a bit of the book) -- sometimes seeing the characters and their mannerisms and hearing their voice will kickstart something in my brain

Go make myself something to eat -- something that takes a while to prepare and kind of makes you slow down while you do it? So either you get to give your brain a break and then refuel or your brain wanders and you suddenly get a new idea (plus you get food)

Go for a walk or heck go take a shower. There's something about those moments when I'm relaxed and just letting my mind wander to whatever it wants, that I'll get hit with a fleeting idea that I want to run with.

Just stop and accept it's not a good writing time/day for me. And that's okay! There will be other days to write.

Thanks for the ask! 💕💕💕

[blinder-secrets]

Lion Tamer - part 10

one | two | three | four | five | six | seven | eight | nine 

4,211 words

warnings: nsfw, language, canon violence + blood

ao3 link

If Arthur was anyone else, anyone else in the bloody world, he’d have thought he was dead. But he wasn’t, he knew that, because men like him didn’t go to heaven, and women like her would never be in hell. Cause there she was, lying at his side, all golden, like the sun shone out of her fucking chest, as close to an angel as he’d ever be, and so he mustn’t have died yet. He was alive, more than ever, while she was next to him. He’d done some good then, somewhere along the way. Something had led him to this waking paradise. Banked his deeds in exchange for the wealth.

‘Mornin, love,’ he drawled, stretching up to push life back into his limbs. He moved like an old man now, sometimes, just in the mornings. Cracked like splintered doorframes.

She peeled her eyes open to look at him, smiling once they’d focused. He’d never touch whiskey again, he thought, not while he had that in front of him. She put more fire in his heart with half the effort, none of the cost. ‘It’s the afternoon,’ she whispered, ‘we slept all morning.’

And thank fuck we did. His fingers went to her hair without planning to. ‘Good,’ he said. Bloody good, enough mornings, enough work. Time didn’t exist in that room, not to them. They needed the laziness, deserved the peace, they’d spent years waiting for it. ‘Bout time we had some fuckin’ rest.’

He swore too much. Maybe that’s what she thought, why she was staring. He tried not to fidget under her gaze because, well, really, deep down, he knew she’d never think anything malicious, he hoped, not about him. He was just worrying ideas into her head, yeah, putting reason to the gaze that she slung across his shoulders, his chest. She still was shining and it wasn’t just the window behind her, wasn’t the cream silk of her slip. The one that had melted through his fingers like ice, like water, brushed his nose when he went down her body. If he tried hard enough, he could find the taste of her on his tongue still.

Say something, then, Arthur, fill the quiet. ‘Feels like heaven,’ he confessed, thinking of her, thinking of the night before, thinking of everything at fucking once.

Then they’d talked, and talked, and she’d put their schedule together. Decided what they should do, which was good because he hadn’t considered it at all. Had thought they would just stay in bed, go somewhere to eat, then be back in the hotel again. Making a home in the over-priced room he’d booked. Then he could finally have her, properly, see her take him in, beg for him, ask for more. He’d wanted that forever, really, thought about it enough times that it almost felt like they had already. Like he had fucked her before and they’d just never spoken about it. But that was all in his head, all just a fantasy, and now it was real, an actual possibility, he was living it. He’d pinch himself but the heat of her lay against him was enough.

She kissed him and his chest tightened, the blood ran from his head straight into his underwear; how she hadn’t felt him, he didn’t know. He forced a gulp and put his palm to the dip above her arse. I want to listen, he thought, I want so badly to pay attention, to be gentle for you. He tilted his head to breathe in the scent of her neck, because that’s where it was strongest, that’s where she smelt most like herself. And his lips went to her skin like she had a fucking magnet beneath.

‘Don’t know how long I can be a gentleman for,’ he told her. It was the least he could do. He was an animal, right, a bloody chauvinist pig like the rest of them, but he wanted her, wanted her so bad, the least he could do was confess it. Honest. He was always honest with her and he was trying, he was. He’d been as good as he could.

She said something back, but all he took from her words was a ‘yes’, a please, so he put his teeth to the edge of her ear, and her breath hitched so sweetly that he thought he might cum on the spot. It was now then, fuck, it was happening at last.

But the fucking phone rang and he knew in an instant who it would be. Who in the world had the bloody seventh sense to always be there at the exact, wrong, moment, to always kick his shins right before the winning penalty. ‘Fuck’s sake,’ he swore. ‘I should take this.’ If he didn’t, he’d just ring again, and again, and he would never be able to enjoy himself, or her. The ringing wouldn’t stop and it wouldn’t help his rhythm, wouldn’t let him find ecstasy, as he knew he would, in her beautiful, sweet, wet—

‘Yeah,’ he said into the receiver, sharper than he intended.

‘Arthur?’ Tommy clarified, as if he could sound like anyone but himself.

‘Yeah.’

‘I need you to do something for me, brother.’

‘Alright,’ he said, agreeing because it was inevitable, it saved time. ‘When?’

She stood from the bed, shutting herself into the bathroom instead of lingering to listen. He looked at the woodgrain while Tommy explained.

‘Alfie Solomons,’ he started, sighing between the words, ‘has asked to hold a meeting, a dinner, of sorts. Tonight. He wants to meet you.’

‘Me?’

He hummed a confirmation; he was probably setting a cigarette into his mouth.

Arthur scoffed, shaking his head a fraction. ‘He’s fucking mad, Tom.’ He’d seen the man only from afar, but heard enough from the boys they had working with him to know that he wasn’t normal, wasn’t right in the head.

‘We’re all mad, Arthur. It’s just how he does business.’

‘Yeah, well, it’s not how we do business,’ he grumbled. They were a collective, a trio. He never went into meetings on his own, never without the support, without at least one brother on his flanks.

‘Go with Billy, alright, our man from the bakery. He’ll meet you outside at six.’

‘Billy? Bloody Billy?’

‘I’d go meself, but there’s something I have to do.’ He exhaled. The smoke may as well have poured through the phone and into Arthur’s ear. ‘Just a couple hours, Arthur, then you can get back to your holiday.’

He was seeing a woman too, of course, it wasn’t something, but someone. He thought they didn’t know he was slipping away, to her house in the country. Dossing about with the maids and the toffs like he was one of them. He put a fuck over his brother, threw the bad jobs to the foot soldiers so he could play between her tits.

‘You should be there,’ Arthur said, tutting. ‘Makes no sense, it being just me.’

He sighed. ‘You wanted more control, brother. Now’s your chance.’

Prove yourself, he meant, prove your worth. Pull your weight. ‘I know,’ he agreed. He had asked for more opportunities with the expansion, but he would never have asked to be dealing with Solomons alone. He rubbed at his brows like he could work will-power into the skin. ‘Right,’ he said, ‘I’ll handle it.’ Because he could. He would.

Tommy coughed into his end, chipping the noise against the side of Arthur’s head. ‘He’s one for theatre,’ he said dryly. ‘Probably just wants to make an impression, alright, and have you running back to me with the gossip. That’s all. Just a fucking show, for sport.’

‘Yeah,’ Arthur laughed, ‘well, you better be fuckin’ right, Tommy. Sending me in blind.’

She was back from the bathroom, bumping against the mattress as she waited. He looked at her once and then pulled away again because she looked like snow, for one dizzying moment, she looked like fucking snow. Not literally, but in feeling. One glance at her had the same effect as a line, as a fresh-filled bottled in his palm; his brain fuzzed in anticipation, excited before he’d even done anything, before he’d even rubbed it on his bloody gums.

‘And don’t fucking fight anyone, eh?’ Tommy nagged in his ear. ‘Keep it civil.’

‘Yeah, alright.’ He was nodding, rattling words out to get it over with, to end the call. ‘Best behaviour,’ he agreed. Then the line cut and he put it back on the stand so he could focus on her again, so he could get the reassurances out of the way, and make her gasp in his ear like she had before. If he didn’t hear that again, his head might blow off, he thought, his teeth might chew themselves to gravel.

‘Fuckin’ showgirl, you are,’ he told her, once she was on his lap and around him like wildfire.

It was a novelty still, thinking things about her and then getting to just say them, to bark them carelessly, knowing it wouldn’t cross any line because the line had gone. Gone up in the smoke, away from them at last. He’s always thought she was a blinder of a woman; he’s always looked at her and felt curses pool in his skull, hot-phrases of compliments dying to go out and all over her. Now he said them freely, now she said intoxicating things in return.

‘Will you have me then?’ she asked and he felt like he’d put his head through the fucking mirror.

Like she didn’t know the answer already, like he wasn’t hard against the back of her thigh. Panting, yanking on the bit, he felt like he did when he lost his calm, but this time it was welcome. This time, she was the stoke beneath the flames. Her hand was in his hair, running through it and back again, rough enough to send goosebumps down his spine. He dragged her over him before he went mad with need.

‘You want it?’ he asked, not bothering to sound polite. He was done with being polite. She melted between his hands, went limp and let him do as he pleased. Let him grind her over, and over, and over on his cock, and there it was, that noise again. That chirp in his ear, the sound of her composure splitting, snapping in a soft ping like thin glass. Like fucking crystal vases. ‘Yeah? You like that?’

He wasn’t a genius, but it didn’t take one to know the answer was yes. Yes, yes, fucking yes.

She liked it, and she kept on liking it until he felt like he was the king of the free world, and she was the country. She was the gold beneath the dirt, the water in the rivers, the stars, the fucking stars, that were spinning behind his eyelids as he lay over her, as he panted into her collarbone. Spent. He was bloody spent. He wouldn’t be able to fuck again, he thought, not after that. Not after what she’d taken from him. He pulled his hips back and they both shook slightly, both worn out and delirious, sensitive like they were having withdrawals.

‘I think,’ she said, taking a breath big enough to lift him, ‘that you have something to say to me.’

‘Eh?’ His brows pinched. He was still a ghost behind the pleasure, sunken in euphoria, slowly coming back to reality. ‘What?’

‘You said—‘

‘Oh, right.’ He knew now; it had shot out of him like a fucking bullet before, in his head one minute, into her chest the next. ‘That.’

‘Yes, that, Arthur.’ She was smiling. Her cheeks were still hot, her mouth still swollen from all the kissing. He’d never kissed a woman as often, and as hungrily, as he kissed her.

‘I do love you,’ he said. ‘A lot. Like, a fucking lot.’ He laughed with it but only because it seemed stupid, silly, to feel the way he did about her, and so strongly, and so freely already. But it wasn’t that new, not really. It wasn’t a feeling that either of them hadn’t felt before. It was as overdue as what they’d just done. Just as sweet, even with the delay.

She put a palm to his face and he wondered for a moment if she cared that it was damp, that he was sweating like he’d run a marathon.

‘I love you too,’ she said lightly.

And he said, ‘say it again,’ because no one had ever told him that and meant it. But she looked like she meant it, he knew that she meant it. ‘Say it again,’ he insisted.  

‘I love you.’

‘Again.’

‘I love you.’

He kissed her, lips to her jaw, her cheek, her temple. ‘Again,’ he said once more, addicted to the sound of it already. He wanted it over and over, until he was drunk on the feeling. Until it was the only noise in his head.

Later, outside the gallery, Arthur waited until the cab had taken her round the corner, and out of his sight entirely. She was safe, and she would stay safe at the hotel. He could do his job in absolute certainty that nothing would happen to her. Not that it would, anyway. She was too smart for that, too tuned in to her surroundings. Always seeing the smoke before he’d even smelt it. That was enough of a comfort to be able to portion her off, just for a bit, tuck her away in his head so he could think clearly. So he could focus. So he could be Arthur-fucking-Shelby, the one man military, the self-contained arms of the Blinders.

He hailed another cab for himself and gave the driver the address, or the almost address, to Solomans’ bakery. He wouldn’t drive right up to the door, sitting like ducks in a tin can, he’d be dropped on the street once over from it. Find Billy and walk in like he owned place.

He could do with some snow, he thought. Just to smooth the cogs, polish the senses. If Billy had any on him —and if he had any mind, he would— he’d take some of that. One boost of the powder couldn’t hurt. They put it in the horses to get them out of the gate and, well, this was one hell of a bloody gate. If Tommy was right, he had nothing to worry about, if he was wrong, he would need all the cocaine he could get his hands on. Tommy had intuition where he had blind rage but, for once, he wasn’t ready for a fight. He wanted it to be easy. Wanted to be back in the hotel like he was a man on holiday, like he’d stepped out for a paper and now he was back again. Ready to make peace with the soft between her thighs.  

Billy was where he was supposed to be, ginger and lumbering, towering above Arthur’s head. He looked nervous; whether it was for the meeting, or for himself, he didn’t know. Didn’t bother to find out. If he was worried about working with Arthur, he should’ve never come in the first place.

‘You got snow, lad?’ Arthur asked, before saying hello or anything else.

‘Snow, Mr. Shelby?’

‘Cocaine.’ He fidgeted with his coat, straightened his tie, waited for his partner to find some fucking common sense. ‘Do I look like a copper, Billy?’

He shook his head. ‘No, sir.’

They didn’t have time for pratting about, he needed the fix, the spark, the ignition. ‘Then stop playing fuckin’ dumb,’ he said, ‘and give me the bloody stuff.’

The bottle was pulled out of a pocket and put into Arthur’s waiting hand without further hesitation. Right, then, they were off. The evening was well on its way. Turning on heel, the pair walked the remaining distance, only stopping when faced with the large double doors to the most elaborate booze-front in London.

They were greeted by a lad taller, but younger, than Billy, who led them through the barrels without saying a word. Arthur tipped a pile of snow onto the edge of his fist as they went and then brought it up, sniffed it in, shot it right into his fucking brain. Felt the zing, the relief. The flash of white behind his eyeballs. He had missed it, he had. He wished he didn’t, but he did and, God, it ran round his skull like a hare on the dog track. He was the winner, now, he’d take the prize. The curly-haired jewish boy looked at him, watched him wipe the excess from under his nose, but said nothing. Good, good, not for him to judge. He knew that well enough. Anyone who worked for the type of people he worked for, just like the Shelbys, knew not to say a damn thing about anything. You had to be trained well to survive in the underworld.  

‘Gentleman! Welcome, welcome!’

There he was, the man he’d come to meet, the eccentric that had asked for him specifically. Alfie boomed into the room, arms wide, like he was a friend and they were much awaited. ‘Mr. Solomon,’ Arthur acknowledged, dipping his chin as the group came to a stop.

‘You must be Arthur.’

‘That is right.’ Alfie took his hands into the both of his; they were cold by comparison. Arthur was running hot already, full with the fire, burnt from the snow. ‘Pleasure to meet you, sir,’ he said, though the baker was still trilling his name over and over. Like Arthur was the fucking royal guest, and maybe he was. Maybe his presence in the club scene hadn’t gone unnoticed. His name preceded him at last, his work put notches in their fucking bedposts.

Alfie pulled forward, tucking their joint hands into his chest. Preening like an eager mother-in-law. ‘I’ve heard so much about you,’ he said, in that unusual voice of his.

It was a warm welcome, in truth, a polite one, and to his luck, to his bloody luck, Arthur was very good at being polite. Fucking wonderful, in fact. He’d already asked Billy what to say in the hallway before. The word bounced around in his head, rattling in excitement. It was ready to come free, to impress, he just had to say it.

‘Shalom,’ he told him, leaning forward too, rounding the syllables, plopping it from his mouth into the small gap between them. ‘Let me just say…’

Alfie looked to his partner, wide-eyed, in surprise, he thought, but the good surprise. Probably impressed, really. Probably didn’t think a Shelby would have the fucking good manners to say it.  

He shook their hands and said again, ‘Shalom.’

It was a strange gathering. Just a handful of them, sitting round a table that was really just four smaller ones, pushed together in a line, under low-hanging lights. He hadn’t seen a crumb of food, but they had rum by the barrel and that was enough. That filled his stomach plenty.

He hadn’t been listening much, not really, just repeating the odd word and agreeing like a good little boy. Like a nice humble gangster. He laughed to himself between sips. If she saw him now, what would she say? What would she think? Bet you never expected this love, grace like a fucking politician. A diplomat. He sat, pleased with himself, and watched it all happen, followed Solomon’s strange, choreographed show behind the cocaine-curtains in his head.

He didn’t come through the noise until they walked a bloody goat into the room.

It was white like snow, like clouds in the blue, like the sheets of their hotel bed, with her hand all knotted up in them. He blinked once to put his thoughts straight. Looked at Alfie like he had been paying attention, very close attention to the droning. Pretended his head wasn’t thumping, fizzing, wasted. ‘You’ve named it?’ he asked, catching only the last half of the sentence.

‘We fucking did, yeah.’

He looked to Billy. Billyboy, Billy with his hair like fire. Billy who was still fucking bricking it. ‘They named the fucking goat,’ he lowed. Pay attention, son, act like you care. This was important to them, to Solomons, this was the chain between the anchor and the hull.

Alfie continued, ‘The evil fucking Egyptian pharaoh—‘

‘The fucking enemy,’ Arthur added.

‘That’s right,’ he agreed.

They were singing, going hand in hand, running in sync like clockwork. This is how you do business, Billyboy, this is why Tommy sent him. Arthur, with all his roughness, still had the fucking mouth, the right good brain on him to partake, to converse intellectually, like. To sit amongst kings as an equal. He had Alfie with him now, on his shoulder. Parroted words off each other like chums, like longtime friends. Relations, you see, Billy, they’re a craft. An art. He had sculpted this exactly as he should have. Sit there and watch.

‘You know what we called it?’ Alfie asked, eyebrows lifting.

Arthur leant back, puffed his chest, sang like the crow at dawn. ‘Yeah, what did ya call him?’

‘Tommy Shelby.’

It happened at once. So quick, Arthur was acting on instinct and nothing else. He burst forward and the bullet came across the table, shot out from Alfie’s hip, right into Billy’s chin, the soft underneath, the money shot, the dead fucking ringer, and rope went around Arthur’s neck; held him back, pulled him tight. Choking, choked. The spit balled on his lip. He tried to swear, but it cut through as a gasp, a wheeze. He stuttered like a pig in the slaughterhouse, thrashing before they hung him up to bleed. The bastard had been lying, tricking, planning it from the start. It wasn’t business, it was a trap. A fucking trap. He’d walked right into it, sole after bloody sole, led by his hand into the belly of the beast. He went to curse him again but the words broke apart, shredded into a roar.

If he had to go, it wouldn’t be in the basement of a bakery. Not at the hands of men without respect.

He was reaching for Alfie, clawing at him, knees pushing the table and rattling the silverware. They had to use two men to get him back, to drag him to the nearest support pole. They wrangled him, rope cutting, twisting and burning at the base of his throat, until he was rod-straight against it. He couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t fucking breathe. His fingertips were trapped between the threads and his neck, helpless, unable to pull a gap big enough to let air through. He’d felt it before, he didn’t want it again.

Fuck you. Fuck you, Solomons, fuck you, Tommy. Fuck the rope. Fuck the goat spilling blood over the floor. Fuck the lot of it, and then some. He would kick his way through the dirt before they put him down like this.  

‘Yeah?’ Alfie taunted, only approaching now Arthur was contained, strung up like meat. He dipped his head. ‘What was that?’

‘Fuck you,’ he snarled back.

Alfie’s knee went into his gut, hard into the tissue, the pool of rum; Arthur would’ve collapsed if he could’ve. The pain was bad enough. He groaned, whined, dripped spit and blood down his chin. His hands went forward, grasping at Alfie’s coat for some relief, some purchase.

‘That’s right, let’s take a load off,’ he said, lifting Arthur by his ears. Up as if he was nothing.

And then the air came back, pouring down his throat like liquor, blood going up and into his head in the same rush of feeling. He could think again, he could, his brain was pounding, pulsing against the skull. It was there. Kicking still. Angry noise replaced with a word, with one image, one light beneath the dark. Her. Her, he would live for her. His feet would touch the fucking ground again and take him back.

‘So,’ Alfie drawled by his ear, talking though he wasn’t listening, didn’t care, ‘the evil, Egyptian scum, was finally cleansed.’ He brought a rag to Arthur’s forehead, stained red, and dabbed it onto the skin between his brows. ‘With the blood of the Passover goat, mate.’

It was put to his mouth, wiped through his lips. He tasted the sourness, the copper, but he still didn’t care. He was thinking of her, clutching to the idea of it. The golden sun on her arms, the lift of her cheeks, the pull of her smile, the sound, the words she said, the soft, oh, the soft. Keep that, Arthur, hold that. One breath forced after the other. They couldn’t hurt you if you weren’t there, not in your head. He put himself into her hold and stayed close to her heart. Heard the drum of it between the chaos.  

Alfie was kissing each of his cheeks like it was a greeting, and not a seal of death. Not an X on the line.

‘That’s from Sabini,’ he said and, after that, there was nothing.  

Read part eleven >>

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taglist: @theshelbyclan​ @woeisbutwoe​ @random-stupid-stuffs​ @sanktaalinaa​ @peaky-arthur​ @murderousginger​ @isaiahdurag​ @inceptenet​ @fanngirl19​ @queenoftheworldisdead​ @bellamybellamyblake​ @caelys​ @ourlordandsaviourmrstark​ @meltingicequeen​ @hufflepeople​

[spushii]

LITERALLY SO GLAD THAT THE FEELING INSANE OVER THIS SERIES IS MUTUAL FR ITS BEEN ABSOLUTELY TEARING ME APART id love to hear your thoughts!!!! *_* I have been itching to read more posts about it but also trying to avoid spoilers rbdbdbjf

I just started nona yesterday, I finished harrow few days ago but god that one fucked with me good I needed a bit to just let everything that happened sink in. like ITS SO GOOD it’s so much darker than the first book and I still don’t have the words to express how much I genuinely enjoyed the second one it’s literally so fucking great. I was almost tempted to reread harrow after I finished it but I wanted to read all three before any rereads lol but the attachment I have to these characters is insane I just fucking cling to them so badly I am so unwell. love gideon, my best friend gideon I miss her sm…

SQUEEEEEEEEEE IM SO HAPPY YOU LIKED HARROW!!! its such a phenomenal book its so. um. Harrowing. lol. im going to have a really hard time articulating just all of the Shit That I Think About with this book series because there really really is so much.

getting right into the meat of my thoughts i guess. i really love how Gideon's bit with Ianthe at the end of HtN recontextualizes the bit of the pool scene where Harrow talks about the first time she saw The Body. where it really does feel like in that moment Gideon simultaneously realized that she was in love with Harrowhark and that Harrow would never feel the same. And i think it allows you to glean some of the genuinely a little bit selfish motivation behind Gideon's suicide. There were a lot of things that motivated Gideon to kill herself so Harrow and Camilla could live, but i think a significant portion of it was her not wanting to live a life indebted to Harrow in a way she would never be content with (Connecting mostly to Harrow asking her to return to the ninth house and care for it ((and by extension, The Body)) in her stead, in the event of her death), which is to say in the grand scheme of things, the choice between Living for Harrow and Dying for Harrow was a very easy one to make for Gideon Nav.

I dont have as much analysis for this but god i think all the fucking time. About Gideon the First attacking Harrow in the bathroom. and the subsequent Everything. It's just so fucking. Bleak. Reading it is physically exhausting. It's so. oh my god. I don't even know what to say. Fucking "Harrow, do something normal." I'm Going To Kill Myself. Im Going To Kill John Gaius. The fact that she KILLS him and it doesnt even KEEP. THE FUCKING. THIS. HARROWWWWW

HARROWHARK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE NORMAL IN MY LIFE AFTER IVE READ THIS

I do love John. as much as i hate him i love him as well. He's such a fucking coward. such a worthless piece of shit. such a suffocatingly interesting character. I love when Harrow tries to ask him about Alecto and he goes on about fucking "You'd make a hell of a daughter, Harrowhark. I sometimes indulge in the wish that you'd been mine." LITERALLY FUCKING WHAT. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOTU WHERE AM I.what if you had a crush on a girl but you had an even bigger crush on her dad's dead ex-girlfriend and then her dad told you that he wished you were his daughter. i feel so fucking abnormal

EDITING THIS POST BECAUSE I FORGOT I WANTED TO TALK ABOUT WAKE. WHAT THE FUCK RIGHT???????????????? god i think forever about how much Gideon Nav loved her mother. how much she clung to the belief that she was loved. Has Gideon Nav ever been knowingly loved by anyone, in her life? Maybe Aiglemene loved her, in a way. But Gideon wouldn't have known that until it was far too late to treasure it. Harrow certainly loves her, but Gideon can't believe that. Not with The Body in the way. Not with Harrow, to Gideon, seeming so disgusted with her final act of devotion that she destroyed her own mind to be rid of the knowledge of it. Magnus treated her kindly, but kind is a far cry from love. But she loved her mother. Held the belief so desperately-yet-gently close to her chest, that her mother loved her too. Loved her enough to come crashing and burning through the Ninth planet's atmosphere and dying herself on the way down. Loved her enough to protect her life at the expense of her own. Imagine, then, for Gideon to learn that she was a tool. A key. Her destiny in life was to die within the first days of her birth; a blood sacrifice, as her mother willed it. Her mother hadn't brought her to the Ninth House in an attempt to save her, she'd brought her there on her way to kill her. Its So. God. Fuck this fucking book. Has Gideon ever been loved? Every truly been loved by anyone in this world? If she has, she doesn't know it.

[popculturebuffet]

Scottrospective: Scott Pilgrim Gets It Together! or Days of Summer

Hello all you happy scottaholics! Welcome back to those of you who’ve read the rest of this retrospective and welcome to those of you just joining us. This is the Scottrospective, my look at all 6 volumes of Scott Pilgrim, the game and the movie. It’s all the video game refrenes, slice of life story telling and boob punches you can handle!

It’s been three months since I left off with “The Infinite Sadness” , and while I intended to cover this one for Valentine’s Day, my schedule got away from me and with March being full up, this ended taking till April

I”m not too put off by it though as the hiatus between these two reviews is fitting for this one both in story and out. In story there’s a couple month time skip between books, while out.. this book got delayed a few times.  

This is notable to me at least because this was the first volume of the series I bought when it came out. As i’ve brought up before I came into the series via the Free Comic Book Day Issue and the second and third volumes, picking one up later. I still have my original copies despite no longer really needing them thanks to having the color editions in general. Always will provided something dosne’t happen to them. So this was my first instalment that I got to read fresh and got to wait for and be hyped about and i’d saved enough money that I was able to pre-order it. So the experince of waiting and waiting for the book only to keep seeing it slide back is vivid in my mind as is the frustration I felt having the one thing I COULD NOT WAIT FOR, keep going further and further back. 

So with this long wait and the fact I bought this one when it came out, as I would for the next two which didn’t get delayed thank god, this volume naturally means a lot for me. When I wrote Scott Pilgrim fanfiction, this volume’s status quo is what I based it on. It was the coolest to me and the one I loved to reread the most. It has the most contained story, the most character growth at the time, and the best art due to Bryan’s style having finally hit it’s stride. Not that the art for volumes 1-3 is bad mind you, but it’s very clear his style was changing and shaping into what it is now with each one and while it’d change a bit more, this volume is where the style and quality everyone thinks of when they think of this series and the kind you see on various art done from it comes from. 

So as you can tell i’m excited for this one. Before we get started there WERE two shorter comics released between this one both for Free Comic Book day, the first of which, Free Scott Pilgrim, is the reason I got into the series and the second, the Wonderful World of Kim Pine .. was both delightful and sets up Kim moving in with Hollie for this volume. Originally I intended to cover these in this review.. but I realized they wouldn’t of helped the pacing and this review is going to be way longer than my standard as is.

So instead I came up with the compromise. I did review them.. but as bonus reviews on my patreon. For just one buck a month you can read them and help me reach my stretch goals which now include reviews of Lost at Sea, Seconds and SnotGirl, aka Bryan’s OTHER comics. You can find my patreon THROUGH THIS LINK HERE if your intrested in the exclusives or helping me reach my reviews. I also intend to do an exclusive of Monica Beetle, a short comic Bryan did starring Scott’s dad in the 70s at some point so keep your eyes peeled for that, as well as the three strips he did of Style, the comic that gave us the prototypes for Lisa and Kim. 

I will talk about their connections and setups for this volume briefly: FSP sets up the next ex as a ninja, with Roxy having a bunch of posters come to live and pummel our boy, while Wonderful World has Hollie tell Kim she can move in with her. It’s not much, hence why i made these exclusives but they are good stories, so check them out. And with that JOIN ME UNDER THE CUT, as we enter Scott’s world once more as he grapples with the past, employment, and saying the L-Word... which might be Lesbians. I don’t know. Find out bellow!

So we open Two Months after Volume 3 with a beach birthday party! Complete with Kim in a swim suit!

But it’s for Julie who lobs a volley ball at Scott’s head when he and Ramona try to make out. 

I also dont’ know if “Manfiesting out of all the world’s collectives sorrows” counts as a “birth” necessarily but whatever. I love a good beach story. It’s just a fun setitng for swimming, romance and battling a giant crab with the help of the bird what lives in your backpack.

So after the beach our heroes get dinner and Ramona sweetly calls Scott the nicest guy she’s ever dated. He responds with “That’s sad”. Blunt, but entirely accruate. Julie calls it pathetic and tries to counter Ramona RIGHTFULLY saying “who the hell asked you?” something that really should come after EVERYTHING Julie said with “Back off bitch i’ts my birthday”

So later that night Sex Bomb-Omb has a beach sing along, and I can’t help but notice Neil’s hairy legs. 

I mean yes it does make since for a 19 year old to have leg hair, but of all the characters besides Stephen, the ONLY other character we’ve seen it with to give it to, why the character you specifically single out as “Young” it’s just a weird choice I never noticed before. 

But anyways Julie has to whine about it because she’s Julie, she can’t stand other people being happy and complains the song...

One of my faviorite moments of the series. Knives puts a nicer spin on it, she’s here too and not over with Neil because, as we’ll find out later they broke up, but she just asks if Knives should be drinking. She shouldn’t but for fucks sake lady she was just trying to talk. I also do like that despite Julie trying to control Ramona’s love life, you know the thing the VILLIANS are doing, Ramona cannot stand her now.. and honestly probably never did. 

But Julie, SOMEHOW turns out to be right for once as Kim and Knives have disappeared later that night, and Scott elects to go look for them. Also Ramona says she wants to marry kim while drunk after Julie asks if she does. The throuple is strong with these three... serioulsy that’s my one true pairing for all three now. I mean it ballances out their collective flaws, it’s cute and Ramona is just as into her boyfriends ex as she is her actual boyfriend even when she’s not hamered. Why the fuck not?

Scott instead finds the two making out. I will confess I shipped these two when I was younger.. but I don’t. Not because their gay or anything or because I found another ship for them but because the age gap is still just as wide as it was for Scott. The game did not get this memo and made them a couple which is... ehhhhhhhhh. I mean I wouldn’t mind either being bi, but it just brings up the same problems even if their both hammered. I also question why this scene exists. No really outside of one face punchingly dickish comment from Scott later, this never comes up again and it doesn’t effect Kim’s or Knives character any. Why have this? it’s clearly not fanservice, it’s just a thing that happened. And while Scott Pilgrim as a series does have some of those, as does life and that’s fine.. this is a bit too major, i.e. Kim and Knives, two of the main cast, making out, drunkenly or not, to just.. gloss over you know? I feel Kim would feel majorly guilty for this, as she has the most active moral compass of the main group, and Knives would be massively confused but it’s just.. forgotten because I dunno. In a story that’s otherwise pretty stellar this stands out as an utter waste of potential. I’m not saying have them hook up, gay or not it’s still not better than what Scott did, but have them at least talk about it and have both grow or something from it. Sheesh. 

So we cut to.. another day. Maybe the next day I dunno but it’s August. Point is Scott and Wallace are grocery shopping and Wallace notes they can’t get fancy mayo as their barely in budget. I would’ve glossed over this scene... but @panur​ pointed out back around the Infinite Sadness review that this scene reveals something very intrestng: Scott.. is kind of a fincial burdern to Wallace. Before this while Scott mooched off him it wasn’t all that clear that Wallace was struggling. 

But here we notice that outside of some Havarti, it’s just the simplest stuff imaginable: turkey, bread, boxed mac and cheese ramen noodles... it’s nto BAD stuff, I have all of that in my house and it’s good stuff... but it’s not the kind of thing that you need to carefully budget for. Now granted part of this probably is Wallace as he likely spends a LOT on drinks, condoms and two 2 liters of diet soda a day.. but while he really needs to adress his alcohol issues, the rest is fair. He should be allowed to have as much sex and diet coke as he wants it’s his money. Same with the havarti. He earned it if he wants some really delcious cheese with herbs, seriously Havarati is the best, then that’s his bidness. But the rest of the time he’s barely managing to get  a basketfull of cheap food.. because he has to provide for Scott. It’s clearly something Scott dosen’t get and something I can relate to not getting. It took me a while to get how hard it is to budget for a full family, let alone two people on one income like Wallace has to. But Wallace is working on a nice job... but still a call center or something. He can’t pay for everything and the finccial stress is about to give as their landlord wants to meet with them. And as we’re about to learn things were even worse than we thought. 

Our heroes head home where we get a truly iconic conversation when, over margeritas (again proving my point that while Scott certainly isn’t HELPIGN wallace’s finacials, it’s not all on him)

This will be imporant later.. both the Lesbians part and Scott’s struggle saying it. he tried earlier on the beach but couldn’t get it out and Ramona clearly didn’t want to hear it as she kapt sshhhhing him.. playfully of course but still. 

So some time later it’s moving day! Kim is moving into Hollie and Josephs, and Scott, Stephen and Jason are helping. You might be wondeirng who the hell Jason is. He’s Kim’s boyfriend. I do not likes him. Not because he’s kim’s boyfriend, getting upset because a fictional character you fancy is dating is just patently stupid. I’ts like getting upset a celebrity crush is in a relationship: you had no chance anyway why. I wasn’t even bothered as a kid. I don’t really like him.. because he has no real personaliy and no real baring on the plot and I struggle to think why Bryan included him other than for a really annoying plot twist next time, which does not help my liking him knowing what’s coming. 

But while our heroes help our heroine move in, and Scott is suprised Hollie is there despite Kim having told him a minute ago she was moving in with her, something I can relate to sadly, we get something vitally plot important; Stephen passes Joseph’s room.. and notices he has a small recording setup in his room. Stephen quickly begs him to record the band’s album and Joseph agrees if only because he finds Stephen hot. Eh i’ve seen better relationships start on less, fair enough. And yes I said relationship more on that in a bit. 

So after a brief scene of Scott and Ramona having lunch where Scott fails to know her age and when Ramona says he could just ask.. hea sks and she dosen’t tell, not a bad scene character wise just not very plot important and probably should’ve bene swapped in order with the previous scene, we get to the next day. There’s a heat wave so Wallace orders Scott to go to the mall maybe find a job. He emphasises that. 

Instead Scott just sorta bums around thirst but nto having any money.. until an old face shows up. 

For those who forgot like Scott has, it’s Lisa Miller from the Volume 2 flashback, the girl who had a crush on Scott and was close friends with him and Kim. After a tackle hug  and some panic Scott eventually remembers.... if in a curiously unique and self serving way

At the time this was just hilarous. Now it’s very clear foreshadowing for the big twist in Volume 6. The two catch up while Scott is very clearly attracted to her but very clearly dosen’t want to be, with Lisa wondering where kim is, finding about Ramona, etc, before offering Scott lunch as the two catch up and Scott is very conflicted about how he feels. It’s nice visual stuff as he’s blushing, something more clear in the color version and trying to desperatley sort things out. As for why Lisa’s here she’s moving to the states soon, but is staying with her sister for now. 

So after an incdental scene with Wallace we catch up with Knives, who has broken up with Neil. And after some talk about Clash at the Demonhead, Tamra notes Knives apparently put a big x on her shrine of Scott... which baffles Knifves as she sure as hell didn’t do it and is still, sadly, obessed with Scott as ever. Granted Tamra isn’t at all helpful here claiming she did it even when she says she didn’t, is clearly confused and while yes we don’t know who else would care Tams, that just makes it all the more creepy. Stop gaslighting your bestie, she’s already got enoguh issues. She dosen’t need thinking she might have a split personality on top of the stalking, obession over a guy who has no intrest in loving her back, and attempted stabbings. Knives dosesn’t get a ton of focus in this one sadly. She kind of takes a back seat, and while sh’es not GONE from the volumle and someone close to her does impact it, she dosen’t really have any personal progression, negative or positive, like she does in every other volume, a shame since her personal jouney is one of the most intresting of the main cast. 

Anyways that night Scott hangs out with Lisa, having not gotten around to telling Ramona she exists yet and plays a game of find the Kim Pine. She goes to Neil’ and Stephen’s place for practice, but finds no one there and Neil being a dick... get used to that it’s going to get about 80 times worse soon enough. Though we do get this classic panel i’ve gotten some use out of 

He goes to Kim’s place, but she , Hollie and Satan’s Misterss have all left to Sneaky Dee’s, the local mexican place, for something to eat and Stephen is either high or doing.. something with Joseph. 

Yeah i’m not hiding that Stephen turns out to be gay in the final volume or cheating on Bitch and a Half with Joseph. And even if I hate Julie with the power of a frozen sun, I still dont’ think cheating on her is kosher. He could’ve just broken up with her and while part of it was likely confusion, and he could also be bi and not decided which one he wanted to be with, it’s still a dick move.. and later makes him a hypocrite but that’s a rant for next volume. 

So our heroes FINALLY find Kim, along with Hollie and Mouthface. And a nice thing I like is that Kim and Lisa are just.. increidbly close, happily catching up and making plans to hang before Lisa leaves, that despite Lisa having feelings for Scott the two ended up as close and She and Scott did and i’ts sweet to see. it’s also just.. rare to see Kim GENUINELY happy. I mean look at her

It’s not like she HASN’T smiled across the series but normally she’s just so miserable, likely because her best friends are a grumbly asshole who forces them to hang out with a raging typhoon of bitchiness, and an insenitive asshat who she never got closure with. This is the first decent human being whose not Ramona or Hollie, and that last one’s not going to last, in a while. It’s genuinely sweet to just see her.. enjoy the moment for once, honestly engaged with someone. Ramona shows up and finally meets Lisa, who apparently was on Degrassi.. I mean she says candaian show no one ever watched, and I watched that plenty but i’d like to think she was on there for a season or two. I liked Degrassi.. I honeslty miss it and think it could use some form of revivial and think porting it to netflix was a smart decision.. what wasn’t so smart was not having the other seasons leading into it on there. Need to watch more of it. 

So the next day Ramona stumbles into Scott’s dreams and both are annoyed, with Ramona suggesting he get a job. This finally gets him to try. He asks about Wallace’s work but understandably, he dosen’t really want scott there and asks if he even knows. So Scott sets out to ask his other friends for jobs, while Knives shows up saying she’s “totally not stalking him” but someone is following HER, a mysterious spiky haired dude in a black leather jacket, shades and with a sword on his back. Whu-oh. 

He tries Second Cup, with Julie annoyed that Stephen’s recording.. it’s hard to tell if she’s annoyed because she’s a bitch or because Stephen is both gneuinely annoying right now and clearly screwing around behind her back. My take?

But Scott realizes maybe getting a job at his Sister’s place of work who also works with his arch enemy might be stupid and backs out. He next tries Kim’s, but backs out of that too, admitting to kim it’d be stupid and Kim lists off all the reasons (His lack of resume, the fact them working together would be stresful and his ountain of late fees) why that’d be stupid, but in a jovial way. For once i’ts clear that while she’s still taking the piss out of them she isn’t mad at Scott.

In fact she genuinely helps him get a job, taking him to Stephen’s work since hers is dead right now anyway, a vegan place.  While Scott naturally compares things to a job system as he’d start as dishwasher while Stephen taught him prep, Scott agrees to genuinely take this seriously and Stephen’s boss decides “eh why not” when he asks her to employ him. Scott is gainfully employed baby! God I miss that. Seriously i’m not pimping my patreon for shits and giggles. 

But as he celebrates and Kim wishes she could punch his life in the face, they run into some trouble on the way home: Katana man who slices a motherfucking bus in half and chases them, with Scott reluctnat to fight because he has a sword and Scott does not, which is valid. He does escape though using subspace. He and Kim part awkardly and he returns home to Wallace throwing a party with two intresting charcters, a woman and a man of color, one of the few in the entire work, who are never seen again. 

The next night is practice.. or rather recording, and we start to see Neil get edged out, with him unable to come due to exams and clearly not happy about it, and Stephen just kind of ignoring anything he cares about like the dickhead he is. It dosen’t get any better as “recording” ends up just being Scott, Ramona, and Ratfaced Knacker watching bored with Joseph and Stephen work. Eventaully Scott and Ramona decide to get out of there as things are getting tensed between thing one and thing bitch, and leave.. and take Julie with them for some reason. 

So the three have dinner with Lisa, Kim, and Jason before The Mummies Curse thankfully leaves. Jason thought they were friends. 

We also get this exchange. 

I mean.. she is the better option. She his THE option. But before we can get the obvious answer of 

Stephen comes in with Knives. He smuggled her in. This leads to problems when Scott returns from the bathroom to find Queen Bitch throwing a bitch fit about him having brought her and screechs at her when she dares to talk to him “How do you even know my name?” Well Ted Cruz, you see when someone is an actually thoughtful and likes other people, they keep track of things about them and don’t constnatly tear them down or assume their partneer is automatically bonking a 17 year old instead of you know, actually forming something of a friendship and not shutting her out sensing she needs this friend group. Some people are not vacous piles of vitriol who care about nothing but themself and seem to go off at the slightest thing. 

Scott takes Ramona home but finds a drunken barely awake wallace so no sexy times. Not that he could anyway as the next day is the meeting with Peter their landlord. 

Peter reveals they’ll have to clear out by the 27th as their lease was for one year and their paid up.. as in only the first and last month. The two part melacholy knowing this sucks and isn’t a great situation. Then it’s time for Scott to work work, angelica, work work, eliza and peggy. After grueling day, can relate, he runs into  a wisp on teh wend and steels himself for a fight.. okay he bitches about it being too hot but it’s Scott. so it’s expected. He does get a hit in on his mysterious persuer.. and that’s when we meet Roxy.

Via boob punch, something Scott’s not proud of but in his defense, as Roxy keeps complaning about it, he was blindly struggling for a hit and din’t know the next Ex, or any of them, were female.. not that Ramona didn’t suggest it loudly enough by empahsising “exes” but scott’s a bit of a fuckwit. She mentions “everyone allways remmebers you”.. which is kind of ominus and tells me she tried to hook back up with ramona despite her having a boyfriend and she rejected her. Still on good terms though. But this confusing encounter ends with Roxy vowing she’ll get him next time gadget, next time. 

So we get some assorted slice of life scenes with the band, lisa and what have you as Scott tries to get in touch with Ramona but she keeps avoiding him. THat’s not worrysome at all. And Lisa brings up high school while drunk and clearly hits on Scott. He sidesteps it with her drunkness.. but this clearly isn’t over or going to stop being a problem. 

Speaking of problems Wallace makes Scott confront the truth: He either needs to find a new place to live or commit to staying, though Wallace is trying to nudge him toward asking Ramona to move into her place. Scott starts thinking it over, it being very hard especially since, as Stephen points out this was his very first place of his own.. but Stephen also points out these things are temoporary.. right before Scott ducks from katana guy. 

At work Scott wonders who it could be, though it turns out Stephen’s met him before, as he’s brought his family in here. So he’s PROBABLY not one of the exes.. but it leaves the question why he wants to cut Scott in half like Dewey Cox’s brother. But it turns out he’s nto the only enemy Scott’s casually running into as Roxy is there too.. with Ramona. 

The two talk, clearly about Scott and Lisa with Roxy trying to convince her he’s cheating and Ramona rightfully trusting Scott: while he IS attracted to her, he’s been fighting it every step of the way. Scott storms over to find out what’s going on and while Ramona is more distracted by his new job, she eventually realizes Roxy did attack him and he simply dscribed her poorly when he mentioned the incident over the phone. Scott is confused as he dosen’t get it. Is she with one of the exes what? After some hiinting from both parties, and Roxy rightfully mocking him for not getting the obvious... he finallyg ets it in the grandest way possible. 

So Roxy gets ready to fight and Scott can’t because sword, and gets fired in the background as he hides in Ramona’s bag and Ramona prepares to step in. Roxy screams at her for trusting him and defending him when Ramona.. just dosen’t her boyfriend to be bisected by her ex. A fight insues and a damn cool one at that. I honestly wish the movie had taken more from this, but simply didn’t have time leading it to instead be more like the envy fight with a bit of the Winfried Hailey fight from Free Scott Pilgrim. 

Roxy chases her and Ramona rightly points out Scott can’t run forever but takes him into Subspace.. where Roxy heads them off, having “taught you everything you know bitch” leading to a cool fight in the wintery version of subspace. Again why THIS wasn’t used instead I have no real idea. We also find out she’s a half ninja but she eventually leaves afer Ramona presses that button.. but Rammy is actually apologetic about it and Roxy’s “I hope you and your 24 children are happy together comment” is telling. 

Upon this readthrough of the volume.. I realized Roxy is the most layered and intresting of the exes next to Gideon himself. None of them are out and out terrible, but most of them have pretty simple motives: to kill Scott, ???, profit. Or in Todd’s case to kill scott, bang around and be a dick. But Roxy.. genuinely wants Ramona back. She’s the ONLY one who does: Gideon kinda does, but only in the sense that he wants her for his collection. But Roxy geninely still loves her, admitting so during this fight. And it’s not like she has no chance: out of the 7 exes she’s the ONLY one who parted with Ramona on anything resembling good terms. While intrestingly we don’t find out WHY they broke up, Ramona didn’t cheat on her like she did everyone else she was with. The two have coffee and hang out and Ramona geninely dosen’t even consider until Roxy tries to attack Scott that she’d really try killing him and tries her best to talk her out of it. But what holds Roxy back is her anger: She’s so bitter about the fact Ramona is bi or pan, so dedicated to viewing Ramona’s very orintation as a betryal (though Ramona calling it a phase dosen’t help and the movie RIGHTLY has Roxie comment on it and fly into a rage over it), and so driven to make sure the woman she loves dosen’t get hurt again that it blinds her to the fact Ramona dosen’t love her the same way anymore, and that while Scott is objectively a dick, and a cheater, and a greasy buttcrack pooflap, he is not a terrible person. A meh one sure, but he’s got good to him. She’s so biophobic she simply can’t see he’s a harmless moron.. well harmless to Ramona even with the cheating. He’s killed two people at this point and will kill again. Also she apparently has issues with only being a half ninja but this is never adressed. Point is Roxy’s really grown on me and is now probably my faviorite ex.  

Scott and Ramona talk it over on their way to Sneaky Dees and Scott finally asks to move in and gets a yes. His response is downright adorable. 

So at Sneaky Dee’s Young Neil is just a bit absolutely irate with Scott.. which isn’t fair as them not playing things is entirely on the blocky face asshole. Yell at him.. which he does, pointing out that they haven’t played shows in forever, and that the lady who owns Sneaky Dees not only runs shows, in the upstairs space, but has been asking them to play. Kim is rightly curious about this and to both Stephen just keeps saying “We’re recording right now.” And some of you may of wondered why I hate him. Well while he’s not exctly stellar in the first half in the second Stephen becomes goddman insufferable, slowly destroying the band for his affair and not giving one iota of a shit what anyone else wants. He’s a selfish, egomanical cheating prick. And yes I get it their recording an album.. but doing live shows would give them extra practice, MONEY, even if likely not a lot and exposure for said album. I get professoinal bands stop touring for a bit to do an album but you are not a professional band, and said bands still often iron out the album on the road. God you suck.

But while Scott sidesteps this argument he walks into another where Ramona confronts him about lisa about liking her.. and he rightly says if there was anything, which there was not it’s in the past. And while yes he is a cheater, she does not know this yet. This plot honestly would’ve worked better if she learned about the knives thing sooner, but instead she just comes off as paranoid for listening to Roxy about something that isn’t happening. Yes Scott’s been shown to be attracted to her.. but he’s been ashamed of it, fighting it and in denial about it, and is clealry all in with Ramona. Being attracted to someone else on a phsyical level does NOT mean your relationship is doomed. 

Things get worse as he goes home to ruminate.. and instead sees a man’s Penis. And Wallace..is at his second most unsymapthetic, not letting Scott get a shirt or a bus pass or something like a decent human being for no goddamn reason. Usually when Wallace is a dick to Scott, Scott’s earned it and badly needs a slap in the face. Here he’s just being a prick because.. the plot needs him to? I dunno it dosen’t work for me. It’s in character, I just don’t have to like it. 

So with no other options.. Scott ends up at Lisa’s. And so we get the last temptation of Scott. Lisa admits, embarassed that she’s been wearing sexy dresses and what not specifically to attract him, with Scott also mentioning how things are rough, Lisa tries to fight it herself pointing out he’s with ramona.. and when Scott points out they didn’t do anything in the past Lisa points out they should’ve.. and maybe they should now. 

We fade to black as Scott ends up in a dream and finds Roxy, who naturally has the same skill and tries to Freddy Kruger him before he wakes. He finds Lisa but they didn’t do anything: Scott pushed her away and babbled about how much he loved Ramona instead. As i’ve said.... his heart was never with LIsa... and even when he was so close to giving in he couldn’t. It’s a tangible sign of growth: He screwed around on Knives with Ramona, and given how bad things were getting with Ramona, it would be oh so easy to once again ditch a relationship the minute he found something else and oh so understandable. But... he dosen’t. He loves Ramona even if he hasn’t said it, he wants to make this work, and he’s changed. She’s changed him. He’s not quite a good man yet.. bu he’s getting to be good enough. Love turned him from a skeezy dumbass into a far more loveable dumbass. Ramona’s gotten him to stop dating a teenager (even if again he cheated), face his past with envy to finally move on and now get a job. He’s realized just hwo much she means to his life and world and so he goes to tell her. 

Riggghtttt after going to get his job back and works a shift, with steven wanting to punch his life in the balls. Stephen shut the fuck up. Just because Scott is lucky and your stuck dating satan’s scrotum does not mean you get to punch his life int he balls. Kim does, because he’s put her through more shit but not you. 

He goes to second cup to talk to Stacey.. only to end up at the wrong one where Knives also now has a job... and we finally get an answer to who the mystery katana guy is...

Yup turns out wielding giant weapons in vengance runs in the family. As for how he knows about Scott her aunt mentioned her boyfriend, everyone freaked out and obviously while her mom was mentioned as knowing in volume 1, they did not tell her dad whose brain turned into an engine of vengance and defaced the shrine. While part of it is apparnetly racisim for Scott being white the fact is he clearly saw Scott’s photograph. The guy is 5 years older. I get him being protective. Still dosen’t justify cutting off his head. His balls maybe but not his head. 

And then Scott ran, once agian finding a subspace entracne.. and this time we see inside ramona’s head and well...

Yeah.. that’s.. kind of fucked, and Ramona isn’t happy scott saw that, though she backs down once Scott explains..a nd then gets upset over him staying at Lisa’s but before SCott can tell her he loves her it turns out Roxy stayed over. So yeah, Ramona might of cheated, she tells him to alk it off and he runs around in a psycadelic haze of emtoinal confusion. And meets.. someone new...

Scott snaps out of his funk and ignores his doppleganger heading back for Ramona... whose fighting Mr. Chau. Scott left the door to Ramona’s head open and he followed him through Subspace. Scott lures him into the house and away from her only to run into Roxy. This leads to both of his attackers fighting and her wondering if Gideons ent him “Why does no one ever belivie in me?!” 

She soon realize no i’ts just unrelated and calls Scotto ut on hiding behind not having a sword and behind her being a woman, caling it a flimsy excuse. I mean she’s tring to kil lhim. It’s okay to hit an enemy combatant. Scott realizes he has to stop running... and get real with ramona leading to a truly epic, romantic and heartfelt speech and given how far he’s come and just how heartfelt it is it’s a real sign of how deep he feels. Sure we’ve seen genuine chemstiry between the two.. but htis moment is a shit.. from a simple relationship.. into true love. 

I may of only had a few but Relationships are not easy, They take work, they take time, they take patience and theyt ake love.. but if your willing to work with someone, look past some flaws and help them with the rest.. then it’s worth it. And Scott has finally realized it and for the first time in a while is running TOWARDS something difficult, actually working on this relationship and talking with his partner instead of running finding someone else or wallowing. He’s truly grown up. While he still has miles to go.. he’s taken about 50 steps forward with this. And as such given the kind of unvierse we’re in, as Ramona is genuinely touched by it he levels up a glowing sword with a heart shaped hilt coming out of his chest.. and realizing what’s happening he pulls it out....

So Scott faces off with roxy and in an awesomly short battle, their sords clash.. and he bisects her. 

Scott then honestly talks down Mr Chau who leaves after a nod, and Ramona tells Scott she loves him two. The two make out and all is well.

One make out fades into another, as we cut to Scott moving in with Kim and Blockhead’s help. Well kinda they only had one box but they owed him one. He and wallace comiserate over the end of their time as roomies. They’ll always be friend but it’s truly the end of an era. Also Wallace gets off another bit of dickery as he’’s very glad it all worked out for scott...

 Now there’s the Wallace I know and love. Dickish but just the right loveable kind of douchebag with that swagger. 

Back at Knives house she’s apparenlty into somebody though who I have no idea, Mr Chau give sher his blessing and she.. apparenlty doesen’t know chinese. I dunno. As I said her subplot this go round was her weakest overall. 

And so we end with the whole gang gathered to see Lisa off. It’s a REALLY nice shot, and one of the only times Wallace is seen with the Sex Bomb omb side of the group. Oh sure he goes to their shows and what not, but generally their never in the same vincinity so while there’s no interaction I still find this neat. Seriously the whole main cast is there, it’s a really lovely shot

Also Jason and Hollie.. who are getting awfully chummy. Whu Oh. And of course Craphole and Mouth Face are as likeable as ever. 

So we jsut get a genuinely nice sene. Except Stephen and Julie reconciling. Fuck that. Please move on. And as everyone fondly wishes Lisa adeu and wish she stuck arond the res tof the series we end on Scott and Ramona snuggling, Scott asking her her birthday and finding out she’s 24, and they both will be come september. Scott wishes this moment could last. 

They probperly snuggle as the volume ends on a high. 

Final Thoughts:

Yeah.. Gets it Together is, on rexamination, DEFINTELY my faviorite of the 6. Besides personal value i’ts hte best contained story, contaning lots of character development, great character moments, jokes, and EASILY the best art so far, with goregouness and creativty abounding. 

There is a problem here or there: Stephen and Julie’s subplot feels underbaked, and not just because I hates them, and there are several scenes that don’t further plot or character stuff. Ther’es also stuff that could’ve been expanded on.. but given this is still a pretty meaty graphic novel, it’s understandable why it wasn’t.. though it is why I’d love a streaming series since while the movie is excellent, a full series could expand on stuff from the books more Brian simply didn’t have time for. Knives also didn’t get a lot to do. 

But their drowned out by tons of great decisions: Lisa was a wonderful additoin to the cast and I genuinely wish she’d stuck around, adding in some energy, blending well with the Sex Bomb Omb crowd, and having great dynamics with everyone and her arc with Scott is heartbreaking,knowing she can’t have him but wanting him anyway having never gottne proper closure on the man she’s always wanted. She’s a heartbreaking character and its nice to see her end in a decent place and on good terms with Scott, having let him go for both thier sakes. 

And while Lisa is a highlight everyone is on their a game here for the most part apart from knives, girl hitler, and captain dumbass: Scott grows signfigantly but is funny as hell, Wallace has an intresting arc trying to nudge Scott out without being overt about it, scared to really confront him, Kim is in a happy and serene place for once and it shows. The villians are also intresting: While Mr Chau is a tad underbaked, he’s sitll a cool imposing presence. I do think he shoudl’ve had more to do with the plot.. but is still just so freaking cool it papers over that and him just.. disappearing after this like poor Lisa. 

Roxy is far more intresting, having clearly more going on than we see and while I wish we’d got her backstory, she’s easily the most engaging of the exes, being the only one to actively compete with Scott (All her and ramona end up doing is making out a little it turned out), and have bigger stakes than just “The glasses wearing douche asked me to beat up my exes boyfriend and I was like alright. 

All in all Gets it Together is really magical, the series high point, and just damn fun and it was a pleasure to go through

Next Month on Scott Pilgrim: It all falls down as we take a look into what once was my least faviorite Album, vs the unvierse. Two perfect assholes try and murder scott with Robutts, his relationship and band crumble and things get sad so very very sad. 

Next on this blog: More LIlo and Stitch! The Proud Family come to Kauai and get into a fight with our heroes. Also wizard kelly... who if nothing else is now far more tolerable now i’ve had to spend another volume with the wicked bitch of the west. Touche universe touche. See you at the next rainbow. 

[saintobio]

hello !! this was such a good chapter 😩 i have no regrets reading it first thing in the morning HAHAHAHA

i just wanted to say that it’s so funny how like,, the stuff gojo’s been complaining about the way he’s being treated this chapter,,,, is exactly the same way he’s been treating yn the entire time,,,,,, but he’s not ready for that conversation🤡📸

AND THE BORA BORA THING !!!! miss girl that whole interaction had me missing toji so bad i reread every scene in the givenchy store just to be called mrs zenin again 🤓

thank u for this long, beautiful chapter ai! and please get some rest :( i was reading through your asks the other day, and now i just wanted to let u know that i (and i’m sure others too) don’t mind waiting for you if you ever decide to take a break for the sake of your health ok :( please take care of urself!!

@tobeeeoh said

Heyyyy thanks for the new update of SN!! AMAZINGGGG CHAPTER AS ALWAYS HNGGGHH😭 istg sera always comes in at the worst time ASSDHSHAKAL

the one when y/n deleted her photo from gojo's phone left a crack on ma heart. GOJO WOULDNT BE ABLE TO SEE HER PHOTO IF SHE LEAVES AND HE DESERVES IT😤😤

okay now i read your schedule and AGAIN!! pls find time to rest and take care of yourself hun❤️

@brokennerdalert said

Where to begin with Satoru? I cant even with him! I mean he's getting better(kinda? Bitch doesn't know what he wants. He needs to make up his mind) I have to say it but I lowkey hope something happens and MC ends up with Toji. And Satoru will come groveling back and MC being the QUEEN she is, is gonna be like 'ew. no bitch, be gone' And then he dies alone. The End

@atsumusoup said

Gojo got some mad mommy issues 😮‍💨 but ig I understand 🙄 very much looking forward to that Bora Bora trip for some dramarama tho 😗

@miyarins said

we really said girl boss this chapter <3

but your power to make me feel such emotions is immaculate. i love u

@lcveaesop said

HELLO??? THE NEWST CHAPTER?? HELLO??

GAAAAA i'll make this quick ik there's gonna be alot soon in your inbox but i just wanted to say i really really REALLY LOVED THIS CHAPTER FOR A LOT OF REASONS!

We got to see more of gojo's pov, y/n's conflicting feelings as to how to treat him (WE'RE CONTEMPLATING SELF-RESPECTIVE DECISIONS Y'ALL) sera can suck ass, and oh my gof sowiaja the childhood scene😭😭 (im a sucker for childhood aus and this hit the spot) lots of thoughts for your series, i truly didn't mind thw wait! good job but pls don't pressure yourself to write more!

@burguhndy said

I was out here reloading my feed waITING FOR THIS!!! the TWO SMUT SCENES????? GOJO BEING NICE??? SERA BEING THROWN TO THE SIDE LIKE THE MISTRESS SHE IS 😭 ???

the funniest part was that i started reading this fic on google chrome whenever id search random jjk fics to read but i got so intrigued that i downloaded tumblr and made an account to keep up like 😭😭 i feel 13 again

ALSO ALSO hope youre doing well! You are a great writer and i hope you are getting rest. Please dont listen to those mean ass anons, they obviously don’t understand that you’re a real person with real shit to do in life. Anyways bye <3

@dumplingzumispam said

as someone who's been in mc in a gojo sera relationship (minus the marriage and getting together before gojo sera),, it kind of hurts when people call her dumb or they say why can't she leave lmfao😭 like i wish it were that easy tbh,, especially when they're consistently hot and cold but choose to prioritize the side once they come back in the picture

they build you up and make you think you're the only one in their eyes just to bring it down with some genuine act of love towards the side.. it's like a constant battle between mind over heart where yk u should leave but u want to stay in hopes that things will get better

also,, take ur time with the updates :) prioritize ur health whether it is physical or mental🖤 u should come first before writing,, we care about u and ur wellbeing 😚 it's okay if we gotta wait a long time bc regardless of how long it takes u to post,, ur works are true masterpieces

HELLO BESTIES <333 thanks sm for reading the last chapter and i am sosoo glad that u guys liked it !! i loved reading these reactions and feedback :’) and i will def need to rest moreeee hhhhhh

[queenestarcheron]

acomaf review

so i recently reread acomaf and i made a post about everything that i liked/didn’t like (more of the latter). i also started another one so some of that is repeated in here. i have referenced page numbers but they are all from the uk paperback edition so i don’t think they will be the same for everyone. it’s all chronological. there will probably be typos since i wrote this on a whim pls ignore them. this is quite anti rhys so if that bothers you just ignore this and pls don’t attack me for my opinions.

(pg. 24) feyre says "I don't know if I can handle them calling me High Lady." implying that she doesn't even want to be in a position of power in prythian. is that the trauma talking? tamlin also says that there is no such thing as high lady which makes no sense bc high lord power is hereditary so it should be able to go to women too. also this makes rhys making feyre high lady make no sense.

(pg. 29) poor lucien i cannot believe his brothers did that to his girlfriend

(pg. 48-49) feyre threw a shoe at rhysand and all im saying is that, if nesta threw a shoe at cassian, they would try and flay her alive

(pg. 73) rhys says there can be high ladies... but there never was one?? how does he know they can exist? it doesn't add up. again, if a person could just be given the high lord power, then what is the point of having the high lord bloodline

the 90 pages in between are just feyre getting upset and rhys saving her from the spring court

(pg. 163) i am diSGOSTED "You know I'm always happy to tangle in the sheets with you Amren ... I know how much you enjoy Illyrian-" seriously?? i don't think this is a normal friendship dynamic. also we hear about how dangerous amren is but cassian literally just made this comment and she did nothing. and we dont see her do anything to others at all. the only thing to suggest that she's a powerful being was the end of acowar

(pg. 169) amren calling the illyrians "barbarians" does not sit right with me

(pg. 209) "They might not be happy about it, but I'll make Nesta and Elain do it" you'll make your sisters risk their lives and status? to help the fae? the race that enslaved humans for centuries? okay feyre. everyone's right, youre a great sister

(pg. 215) rhys offers feyre sex with cassian? how are the nesta stans the ones that don't gaf about cassian when his own friend (who he considers a brother) says this about him? i don't think after 500 years of knowing him and liking him nesta would say any of this

(pg. 229) cassian gets mad at rhys for endangering feyre's life for no reason and then rhys says "you would do the same" like nO SIR NO HE WOULDN'T

(pg. 246) feyre says nesta looks older in her eyes. she's obviously been affected by her sister running away with the fae and her and elain even thought she was dead. don't try and tell me that she doesn't care bye

(pg. 255) cassian's dinner table speech about how feyre died for the fae and nesta should stop being a bitch. um, sir your people enslaved hers for CENTURIES? and you want to play the fucking victim? okayyy sure. have fun with that

(pg. 280) rhys doesn't make his people play the tithe but he lets them live in tents in snowy mountains? while he lives in comfort? and im supposed to support this guy? hard pass for me

(pg. 288) rhys stalks about keeping velaris a secret and says "My people do not seem to be suffering much from it." basically ignoring the people in the hewn city and illyria as his people? tehy are all hated by the rest of the courts and apparently rhys is just cool with that bc velaris is fine.

(pg. 326) all i want to say is that cresseida deserves so much better

(pg. 361) okay lol jurian was "obsessive" in his pursuit to free his people. why couldn't he just be chill about it? his people could wait you know. he didn't hav eto go batshit crazy. it's not like they were servants their whole lives and were being treated like they weren't people.

(pg. 377) okay so this is when cassian comes back from giving nesta the letter (wings and ember) and he says something about how the family is full of "bossy, know-it-all females" my mans you invaded HER PERSONAL SPACE and asked her intrusive and inappropriate questions. she literally did what any other woman would have done.

(pg. 386) rhys fully says "neither side is innocent" when talking to the mortal queens BOI THE FAE KEPT THEM AS SLAVES WHAT DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND STOP TRYING TO SOUND OPPRESSED OMG

(pg. 393) they are talking about how miryam and drakon fell in love when she was still with jurian and apparently it's jurian's fault bc he was too obsessed with liberating the humans? you can say what you want about them fighting for the humans but it's clear they really don't give a shit

(pg. 398) feyre hears mor's story and says that she understands why rhys can't forgive nesta. she actually just compared what mor's family did (trying to marry off mor and nailing a note to her body and leaving her at the autumn court) to what nesta did (was mean to feyre when their family was in poverty and didn't stop feyre from hunting). chilee wut

(pg. 415) the court of nightmares scene and all i want to say is DID ANYONE IN THE HEWN CITY CONSENT TO SEE THAT. also their high lord using women like objects isn't exactly sending his people the best message, especially the youthful ones. like if their ruler is doing it, then why shouldn't they? rhys is kind of making it worse for women ( at the very least he isn't helping AT ALL)

(pg. 443) mor says that she hates the illyrian mountains and says that they should be "burned to the ground", completely forgetting about all of the people there, the culture and the fact that she has 2 and half illyrian friends

(all of chapter 54) rhys tells us his sad backstory and a bunch of excuses but never apologises for his actions utm. am i supposed to excuse sexual assault because he was emotionally distraught? bc im not going to do that

(pg. 548-553) nesta stands up A LOT for the humans and tries to convince the queens to give them the book. we see a lot of her humanity in this scene. don't tell me she's just a cold bitch please read with your eyes and see for yourself. ALSO THE NESSIAN BIT ON PAGE 553 LETS GOOOO

(pg. 559) feyre talks about how nesta feels everything too much and i just want to ask where this feyre was in acofas when her sister was off in the deep end with her ptsd

(pg. 589) jurian is called a monster for literally no fucking reason omg give my guy a break

(pg. 606) lucien helps elain when she is fae and on the ground soaking wet. this is all before he finds out that she is his mate. this is why we stan <3

please feel free to comment on/challenge anything ive said. you can try and come for my favs if you want but it probably won’t change my mind. i might do acofas later. 

[fragileizywriting]

Hii, how are you?! I wanna ask number 7 "Was there a scene/ part you enjoyed writing most from this fic?" But like, from all the fics?! Like, what was the scene/part you enjoyed writing the most, ever, from any story of yours?! I changed the question bc i wanted to ask about your favorite part from each fic, but that may be too much and i dont want to bother you, so im asking in general, im sorry lol and sorry if i didnt make myself clear i have a sag mercury literally idk how to communicate

hi!!! how are you!!!!! i hope the new year has been kind to you so far!!!

you're not bothering me at all, don't worry, i love this question so much!!!

what was the scene/part you enjoyed writing the most, ever, from any story of yours?!

this is such a hard question to answer!!! i've been trying to figure it out for like, forever!! i usually enjoy writing most of the things i post (unless i mention it in the fic itself) but maybe i guess it would be the first chapter of eight for two? kitty!marinette is one of my favorite characters of all time, so it really just worked for me.

i think about her almost every day, which is such a shame considering idon't write her very often at all these days-- something about the first chapter just flowed. it was quick. it was snappy, and punchy, and i was really in the groove to write it. i was super impressed and proud of myself, for sure, and honestly i think it's the best thing i've ever written ever. which is strange. but i think that's when i peaked, tbh, nothing can top it for me (unless i actually finish the fic.) the entire fic is something so personal to me that i have a hard time sitting down and actually writing it, which is a shame, because the last chapter is something that i literally want to write down so badly D: i dream of that last chapter. hoh.

i wanted to ask about your favorite part from each fic

i think i had the most fun writing wing showin' when i first wrote it back in april? march? i was really needing some love-comfort to write, and that one really hit it on the head for me. (i haven't read the entire series through, but i've reread the second chapter so much because of the cuddling. where there be cuddling, there be izy!) fallin' is in the same boat. luka feeling upset and me feeling upset is such a good pairing, i'm telling you! we work great as a pair.

also, the first chapter of DL of course, was insane for me because i wrote the whole thing in a day. i blinked and there was a fic in front of me. i had completely pulled the story out of thin air. to this day, i have no idea what happened, but i'm really glad-- last year january was an amazing thing for me. i wrote, like, 100k+ words in a month for no reason at all. i hope to get close to that this year, too! that would be really nice.

my favorite part from locker talk was writing the third chapter!!! it just worked!!! i had found my groove!!! i was really happy with it!!!

bad days are always going to happen, but it's nice to have favorite things to read and write. some of these fics i wrote while going through some pretty heavy stuff, so when i think back to the entirety of last year, i can't remember what i was doing during that particular chapter, but i remember certain lines coming from me personally. like i said in the beginning, fallin' was rough. really rough. writing was the first thing that came to mind when i was having a bad day-- and when my long-term relationship ended, it was even harder. september was rough, but i remember writing comfort givin' just because i had to write it and get it out, and i really enjoyed writing it. like, a lot, it was so therapeutic!!!

i had a blast writing fire lily petals, especially since it was a challenge to write 5k words and publish every two days, that was a lot of fun-- even if i haven't finished it (yet!)

there's so many things i want to finish, and yet so little time!! i want to write every single story i think about and share it with y'all, even if it's not your interest, but this ADHD is so bad that if i do that i'm never going to get any of my fics done. i have to focus. i'm telling the truth when i say there's so many little oneshots i have that i can't work on because i've got Bigger Stuff Planned!!

thank you for asking anon 🥺 and you made perfect sense, don't worry!!! have a good week~

[skswriting]

(dis)connected

Rating: T for suggestive content Pairing: Jeongguk/You Words: 12,359 Summary:  You don’t know if you and Jeongguk will join the group of people who have married one of their connect partners, but what you have right now is fun and carefree.  Yeah, you like him, and it seems like Jeongguk likes you, but the two of you have never physically met up, and neither of you have brought it up.  You’ve thought about it, but you always chicken out at the last moment, and he’s never even hinted at it, so. But you’re not worried about it today.  You just want Jeongguk to come back.  Who could possibly be at the door? AN: okay so i want to point out to everyone IMMEDIATELY that i originally had a different idea on how i wanted this to go (i.e. cheating which is not something i like writing about/reading) and decided that because i DONT like that i wanted to change the plot HOWEVER... because of this some of the dialogue i think in the beginning kind of still alludes to this?  i think i caught most of it, but god knows im shit at rereading my stuff so im sure i missed something.  i also think i really started lacking towards the end and for that, i apologize, but i still hope you all enjoy it! Warnings: there’s the beginning of a strip tease at the beginning, and of course when i write there’s always cussing, there’s also some pretty severe miscommunication (in my opinion, y/n is definitely an idiot but we all have our dumb bitch moments), there’s a small scene about an almost panic attack, and there’s mentions of a car accident that leads to a hospital stay but i don’t mention too much about the implications of that if things like that make you uncomfortable.  i think that’s it

You sigh as you flop down on your bed, feet aching and back sore.  It’s been a long week and you just want to relax, letting your body melt into the mattress.  The city is still sounding out around you, horns honking and the occasional voice drifting up to the window you left open to let as much natural air as you can in.  Gumdrop is staring out the screen, chittering at the pigeons roosting on your fire escape.

The loud vibrating of your phone causes you to groan as you kick your heels off, reaching into your purse to grab it.  You know who it is without looking at it and while you’re excited to talk to him, you’re still exhausted.

“Hi baby,” Jeongguk greets softly when you answer, the sound transmitting through your earpiece clearly.

You can’t stop the slow exhale you let out, melting even more at his voice, “Hi, Gguk-ah.”

“Oh no, you sound tired.  Long day?” Jeongguk asks and you can almost picture him biting his nails.

“Yeah,” you say simply and he hums in understanding.

“We don’t have to connect if you don’t want to, we can just talk like this: old fashioned,” he teases and you laugh a little, slowly getting to your feet.

“No, I want to, I miss you,” you say honestly and you can hear the smile on his face, “Let me get changed and I’ll login.”

“Wait,” he hurries to stop you, just as you’re reaching for the hem of your blouse, “Can I… can I watch?”

You can’t stop the surprised laugh you let out, “Gguk-ah, that’s naughty,” you say, even as you reach for your eye inserts, located right next to your pleasure-morph (i.e., dildo).  Priorities.

Jeongguk sounds unashamed as he coos at you, “I can’t help it that you’re so pretty.  I’m logged in.  Figured we could spend some time in my room today?  Unless you wanna stay at yours, I’m good with either.”

“No, yours is good, I like the way it smells,” you admit, wincing at the small sting of the inserts as you blink them in, getting comfortable.

Your vision slowly fades as the nanotech slowly works its way into your system, gradually bringing up the virtual login screen.  You hum as you see Jeongguk has sent you an invite and you click it, the bits of Jeongguk’s room and Jeongguk himself starting to pixelate in.  You can’t help but reach out and touch him, even if the nanos haven’t yet reached your fingers so you can’t yet feel him yet.  But he comes to you, little by little, until his warm skin is right under your fingertips, his smiling mouth meeting yours as he kisses you softly.  Lovingly.

“Hi baby,” he says again, a mere murmur really, pulling you close to him as he breathes you in.

Just like that all the exhaustion in your body leaves you as you slump into Jeongguk’s strong embrace, nuzzling against his neck as you hug him back.

“Hi Gguk-ah,” you whisper, head spinning from moving too quickly after logging in.

He’s quiet for a moment, humming a soft tune as he pets at your hair, rocking the two of you from side to side.  He holds you until you pull back first, kissing your forehead and then your mouth again, hand sliding down to grip the nape of your neck.

When he lets you step back, his grin turns into a pout as his eyes slide down your form, landing on your feet.

“You already took your heels off,” he whines, tugging childishly at your shirt, “you started without me.”

You cackle as you bat his hand away, letting your hair out of your ponytail and immediately snapping his attention back to your face.

“I didn’t think I was going to have an audience,” you chide and he huffs, crossing his arms as he plops down on his bed.

“You know I love watching you get undressed.  It’s like… watching a present unwrap itself in front of me.”

You roll your eyes, popping the first button of your blouse.  Jeongguk licks his lips at the hint of breast he sees and you shake your head at him.

“As many times as you’ve seen me naked, you still act like this,” you sigh out, like it’s an inconvenience, even going so far as cocking your hip out, “Honestly, Jeongguk.”

“Baby,” he whines, leaning back on his hands, “leave me alone.  It’s not my fault you’re the hottest person I’ve ever seen.  Get naked!”

You shake your head good naturedly, moving your hands back to your chest when he chimes in, “Wait!  I wanna guess what you’re wearing underneath.”

“It’s nothing special,” you furrow your eyebrows, popping another button just to be contrite.

“Shut up, it’s always spec- oh shit, I see black.  Oh God, is it the lacy one?  Or the one with the sheer strip on the cups and the little jewel in the center?  Fuck, that’s a good one,” he groans and you laugh when you see his cock already starting to get hard, chubbing up in his sweats, “Are you wearing matching panties today?  I think I’d lose my mind.”

“Why don’t we find out?” you purr, a lick of arousal shooting through you when you see him shiver at your tone.  You pop another button.

“Baby,” he gasps, hand flying down to his cock, cupping it in his hand, “Don’t tease.”

“I’m not teasing,” you pout, popping another button.  You have two left, but the way you’re holding your shirt together won’t let him see under it yet.

He bites his lip, squeezing his hand around his cock as you undo the last two.  You turn around, giving him a look when he whines softly, the look softening into something coy as you let the blouse slip down your shoulders until it flutters to the floor, leaving you in your bra and skirt.

“Lemme see,” he practically begs.

You hum as you pretend to consider it, tapping a finger against your chin as Jeongguk gets to his feet, approaching you slowly.  He kisses the top of your head and then your temple, eyes closed as he trails kisses down your neck, biting at your shoulder.  His hands come up to cup your tits and you finally moan, his fingers tweaking your nipples through the material.

“It’s thin,” he comments, eyes still closed, sucking a mark into the dip of your collarbone, “It has to be the sheer one.”

He groans when he opens his eyes and sees he’s right, kneading your tits faster as you shake in his hold.

“Feels good Ggukkie,” you pant, reaching up to thread a hand in his hair.

“Keep going,” his voice has dropped a little, hands insistent as they roam over your tits, fingers dipping into the cups to roll your nipples between them directly.

“Any guesses on panties?” you’re breathless, Jeongguk’s eyes gazing down the slope of your breasts and stomach to the way your other hand is teasing the waistband of your skirt.

“Not matching,” he says, almost immediately, “Or you wouldn’t be asking.”

“I wouldn’t?” you grin, pressing your ass back into his cock.

“No,” he sounds confident, as he reaches up to your back and undoes your bra, running reverent fingers down your arms to help you take it off.  The full heat of his hands on your sensitive tits has your back arching, “Is it the green pair with the lacy back and little bow on the front?  The pair that make me want to eat your ass like a sundae?”

You giggle, turning your head to nose under his jaw, “Let’s see.  Undo the zipper.”

He breathes out heavily against your wet skin and causes goosebumps to scatter.  He hisses when his own hand brushes his cock in search of your zipper, but he finally manages to tug it down, and the sound is almost deafening.  You have a hold of the skirt still so it doesn’t fall immediately, even though it’s tight enough that that wouldn’t be an issue.  But you know Jeongguk is a dirty cheater and would try and shove it down.

Jeongguk makes a confused sound as you step away from him but you smile to yourself, glancing at him over your shoulder as you shimmy your hips, the fabric shifting down until-

“Red,” he breathes out, mouth dropping open as he gapes at you.

He groans as you continue to shimmy your hips and push the skirt down at the same time, letting the material pool around your feet as he gets a great look at your ass.  Because you’re wearing a thong.

“You’re so hot,” he says, almost to himself, “God, look at you, like a fuckin’ wet dream.”

Despite yourself, you blush.

“This isn’t what I had planned, but c’mere,” he commands and you listen, turning around and padding your way to him.

His arms slide around your waist and turns you smoothly at the same time, crowding against you until you fall onto his bed with him on top of you.  You whimper when the hard planes of his body press entirely into yours and your legs fall open to let him settle more comfortably between them, cock rocking up against your leaking pussy.

“Wanna fuck you,” he groans, attaching his mouth to the side of your neck, “Is that okay?  Are you okay with that?”

“Yes, yes, yes,” you chant, “Want you to fuck me so hard I forget my own name.”

Jeongguk growls, reaching down to tug your panties to the side as he reaches into his sweats to carelessly pull his cock through, when a knock sounds out.  You both stop, Jeongguk pushing himself up to look confusedly at the door.

“Is that- is that logged in or real life?” you pant, trying to catch your breath and bearings from the 180 change in mood.

“Real life I think but… I wasn’t expecting anyone,” his face shines with sincerity and apology as he turns back to you, ‘Stay here, I’ll be right back.”

You pout, sliding a hand down your stomach and thumbing your clit, eyelashes fluttering, “Hurry up or I’ll start without you.”

He responds with a panicked look and a hurried kiss, before he reaches quickly for his eyes as another knock comes, “This could not have been worse timing!”

You giggle as he unlinks, his nanotech disappearing in a blink.  Contrary to your teasing, you don’t play with yourself.  You do settle yourself more comfortably in his bed, burrowing into his pillows as you kick his blankets to the end of the bed so your skin is pressed against the cool material of his sheets.

This… thing… with Jeongguk isn’t weird so much as it was unexpected.  Connecting by all means isn’t weird and is in fact revolutionary, allowing people to meet up and hook up (“connect”) through a sort of VR world, where only consensual sex is allowed and there’s no worry about pregnancy or diseases.  A lot of people even tend to meet their spouses through connecting now.  The sex toys are fantastic and you’ve clocked many hours with your pleasure-morph with it set to Jeongguk’s specifications (he’s told you with no discretion that he doesn’t think he’d survive without his pleasure-morph of your own sweet cunt.  His choice of words, not yours.)

You don’t know if you and Jeongguk will join the group of people who have married one of their connect partners, but what you have right now is fun and carefree.  Yeah, you like him, and it seems like Jeongguk likes you, but the two of you have never physically met up, and neither of you have brought it up.  You’ve thought about it, but you always chicken out at the last moment, and he’s never even hinted at it, so.

But you’re not worried about it today.  You just want Jeongguk to come back.  Who could possibly be at the door?

You don’t get your answer because Jeongguk’s room disconnects, the bed sinking down and disappearing beneath you. You blink at nothing, the login screen flashing in front of you as you try to gather your bearings.  You hesitate in disconnecting, confused as to what happened.  Maybe Jeongguk accidentally disconnected in his haste to get back to you?  But, after a minute of hovering in nothing, a little ball sinks in your stomach, and you disconnect yourself, letting the nanotech draw back into your eye inserts before you remove them.

You’re laying on your bed, still dressed, Gumdrop still yelling at the pigeons on your fire escape.  The city is still moving down below and it’s disorienting to you, for some reason.  You keep expecting a message from Jeongguk, as you disrobe and shower and make dinner and wash your face and get ready for bed and-

Nothing comes in.  You settle into bed, feeling quite pathetic as you check your phone in an almost obsessed fashion, but there’s nothing.  Gumdrop curls up near your face and you appreciate her awareness, petting through her fur to hear her sweet purrs.  The little ball has only grown.

-

There’s nothing in the morning, or in the afternoon, or even for the next three days.  You feel the worst the first day, still riding the high of the sudden disconnection, and by the third day you’re just… sad.  Being ghosted by Jeongguk was not a thought you had ever entertained.  You figured if you and Jeongguk ever stopped disconnecting it would be because either of you met someone or just got bored.  But just to be dropped like this cuts more than you thought it would.

As you’re playing with a laser pointer with Gumdrop, your phone chirps.  You’ve resigned yourself to not hearing from Jeongguk and it’s probably just Seokjin sending you pictures of his dinner again, so you’re not eager to get up and check it when Gumdrop is having the time of her life.

You remember to look at your messages as you plug your phone in for the night, and it’s like someone kicked you in the stomach when Jeongguk’s name pops up.

from: ggukkie ♡

Please just give me time, baby, please.

You sit there for a moment as Gumdrop claims the middle of your bed, purring as she makes herself comfortable because honestly, what the fuck does that mean?

-

“Yeah fuck him,” Seokjin says easily the next day when the two of you are meeting for lunch.

“Seokjin,” you chide and he shoots you an unimpressed look from over the top of his rice bowl.

“No, fuck him,” he says a little more vehemently, “First the unexplained disconnection, which, by the way, can physically make a person sick, and then he ghosts you, the most cowardly thing you can do, and then he sends you that vague ass text?  What the fuck does that even mean?  Give him time?  For what?  To get his foot out of his ass?”

His voice has started raising in his anger and even though it’s slightly embarrassing, as people throw him confused looks, it’s completely overshadowed by the appreciation you feel for him.  Seokjin has always been fiercely protective of you and had actually beat the fuck out of one of your ex-boyfriends when he started becoming abusive.

“I know,” you sigh, glancing down at your own food and realizing you’re not that hungry, “I just… I just want to know why.”

“Closure,” he nods, sagely, before loudly slurping up some noodles.

You nod, deciding you at least want one of his dumplings.  Seokjin must realize how terrible this whole thing has made you feel, because he doesn’t even try to stop you, and it makes you smile almost sadly.

-

from: ggukkie ♡

I understand you’re upset, but please just let me explain.

It’s been about a week since his last text and a week ago, during lunch with Seokjin you would have jumped at the chance to let Jeongguk explain.  Now though, you’re mad, and you don’t want to hear it.  You’re too old for childish games, especially with someone you weren’t even officially dating, and you’ve decided to let it go.  You swipe his message away, deciding that instead of connecting you’re going to go out to an old fashion bar.  You’re not planning on hooking up with anyone, because you’ve stopped taking your birth control since it started really messing with your hormones, but you want to enjoy the vibes.

You text Seokjin asking if he wants to meet you, but he apologizes and tells you he already made plans with his family.  He sends you an encouraging selfie and you laugh, but you make it your lock screen because it’s a really good picture of him.

The bar is about half an hour from your apartment and it’s surprisingly packed considering the popularity of connecting.  But you guess sometimes you can’t beat face to face interactions.  A few people give you once overs as you walk in and you give them polite smiles in return, but now that you’re here you just want a drink.

The bartender serves you your drink quickly and you smile at him as you turn in your seat, surveying the space.  A lot of people are walking around, taking advantage of the darts and pool tables set up, laughing and drinking with their friends.  It’s nice to see.  While you’re an advocate for connecting, even with your unsavory disconnection with Jeongguk, it still lacks intimacy.  You and Jeongguk have connected all over the world, logging into a beautiful hotel in Paris and a quaint little house in the suburbs of Japan and a skyrise apartment in New York, went snorkeling in the Bahamas and hiked to Machu Picchu and went on a cruise to Alaska, all in the time you connected.

But none of it was real.  You sigh heavily as you take another drink while the bartender passes by and catches it.

“Rough day?” he asks, stopping in front of you with a few bottles in his arms.

“No, it’s just been… yeah, a rough day,” you end up going with, followed by a small self-deprecating laugh.

“Do you want something else to drink?  Something a little stronger?” he asks, nodding at your almost empty glass.

“No, same thing, please.  I’m just looking to relax, not get shit-faced.  I really don’t want to deal with a hangover,” you grimace and he laughs, throwing his head back and almost losing his balance.  You worry about him for a second, but he quickly straightens himself, turning an almost blinding eye smile on you.

“College kids come in here and blow through a hundred dollars just in liquor and it makes me not miss my partying days.  Let me stock these and I’ll get you a refill.”

He’s cute.  You’re not interested, in the slightest, but you have eyes and you know he’s cute.  He throws you a quick wink and hustles off, talking to someone just down the bar.  You nurse the last bit of your drink, enjoying the music and chattering behind you, letting yourself sink into the atmosphere.

“Jeon Jeongguk!”

You pause for a moment, glass raised halfway to your mouth.  No way.  There’s no way life works like that; you’re not so lucky to get your serendipitous moment.  You turn to look at the woman who’s just stormed into the bar, mouth twisted into a fierce scowl.  You try not to be conspicuous and only follow her with her eyes, trying to see where she’s headed.  It has to be a different Jeon Jeongguk, it just has to be-

Your breath catches when you see him.  It is him.  Jeon Jeongguk.  Your connecting partner, who ghosted you almost two weeks ago, and who looks super unhappy sitting in a booth by himself.  He looks even unhappier to see the woman, his face morphing to match her scowl.

Your breathing has quickened as you watch them, the woman sliding into the booth across from him and flinging her hands around.  How did you not see him when you walked in?  You may have been slightly distracted, in your night of slight grieving, but you know you gave the place a once over when you arrived.  You’ve spent two weeks mourning the lack of Jeongguk’s presence and then cursing his existence.  How could you have missed him?

You have to leave.  You have to go right now, before he somehow sees you.  You don’t want to talk to him, you absolutely cannot talk to him.  If there’s one thing you know about yourself, it’s that Jeongguk’s doe eyes would make you commit unfathomable sins.  If he looks at you now, in this moment in time, in this place, you’ll cave.

You have to go.  You have to leave-

You stand hastily; too hastily.  The man sitting beside you, who’s been pounding back beers like it was his last day, is standing too and you run right into him, sending the both of you tottering.

“Sorry!” you gasp, trying to straighten him and yourself as you realize how loud your collision had been, “I’m so sorry!  I was just trying-”

The guy is grumbling at you, eyes bloodshot as he glares at you, and the hair on the back of your neck is standing up.  Not at the look the guy is giving you, you could care less about him, but because you hear angry shuffling behind you.  The voices are whispering rapid fire at each other and you think you can hear what sounds like hands gripping at clothes and quick footsteps and-

“Y/N…?” his voice sounds exactly the same as you remember.

Your eyes squeeze shut, heart slamming into your ribcage.  You feel bile rise to your throat as your fight or flight instincts kick in, and you want so badly to run, to not look at him and pretend this isn’t happening.  You’re so close to doing it, to running out of the bar and away from him, but you can hear a little voice in the back of your head that sounds suspiciously like Seokjin.  “Fuck him.”  The more you think about it, the more you agree: fuck him.

You turn slowly, to see Jeongguk standing just a few feet behind you, eyes impossibly wide and fingers twisting the hem of his shirt.  He’s dressed casually, more casually than you, and you’re not sure if it’s a trick of the light, but his cheeks look a little sunken in.  The woman who had charged in after him is standing behind him, fuming, physical steam almost coming out of her ears as she tries to get his attention.

“Jeongguk,” you say, your tone much more cool than you feel.

Jeongguk must be able to tell because his eyes bounce around your form, seemingly unable to figure out where it’s safe to look, “How, um… how have you been?”

“Jeongguk,” the woman behind him hisses, reaching out to grab at his arm, and he roughly shrugs her off, sending her a fiery glare over his shoulder.

“I’ve been better,” you say, a tad cold, “I would ask how you’re doing, but I don’t honestly care.”

He flinches and immediately grows desperate, reaching out towards you, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, Y/N baby, please, just let me explain-”

You smack his hand away from you and the hurt on his face is so palpable it manifests in your own chest, “I don’t want to hear it, actually.  I’m over it.”

You’re aware that the three of you are starting to cause a scene, the woman still trying to get Jeongguk’s attention and Jeongguk resolutely ignoring her, entirely focused on you.  You’re getting a bit embarrassed by all the attention, but you realize this is something you need.  Seokjin had said it best: closure.

“I don’t blame you, I don’t!  But please, baby, just-”

“Stop calling me that!” you snap, “You - you lost that right, Jeongguk.  Do you know how foolish I felt?  After we disconnected?  Three days, Jeongguk, wondering and worrying if you were okay, and when you do text back it’s to ask for time?  Time for what?”

You run a quick hand through your hair, huffing out a laugh when you pathetically feel tears spring to your eyes, “I deserved better.  I understand we were just connecting, or whatever-”

“No!” Jeongguk lurches towards you, a seemingly mindless reaction because he seems surprised by it, but recovers quickly, “Don’t say that, please.  It was more than connecting for me, you have to believe me!”

The woman behind him lets out an indignant huff, apparently tired of being ignored and watching whatever is happening between you, “That’s enough Jeongguk, honestly.  Do you hear how pathetic you’re being right now?  Let’s just go home and talk about us and-” she reaches for him, again, but Jeongguk bodily dodges her hand.

“Ina, take a fucking hint!” he growls, turning on his heel to stare her down.  Ina rears back, eyes widening in shock at the vicious tone he’s taken with her, “What part of “we’re not getting back together” do you not understand?”

Her face clouds over and she snarls out, “How many times do I have to say I’m sorry?!”

Jeongguk’s laughs, but there’s absolutely no humor in it, “Sorry?  You cheated on me!  You can’t say sorry for that!”

“Hey!”

The handsome bartender from earlier is leaning threateningly over the bar counter, his cellphone in hand, “Take it outside before I call the cops for a public disturbance.”

Ina looks like she’s about to snap something at him, but you stride over to the counter as you pull some money out of your purse, thankful that Seokjin had been an old man and paid you back for buying his lunch with cash.  Who even carries cash on them anymore?

“I’m so sorry,” you say in a quick, hushed tone to the bartender, “Keep the change, a tip, we’re leaving now.”

“Are you okay?” he asks you, quickly, before you can leave, stopping you with a gentle hand on your wrist, “Do you need me to call you someone?”

You realize you’re shaking, and you give him a genuine smile at his concern, “I’m okay, thank you.”

He doesn’t let go for a few more seconds, but finally nods, watching the three of you intently as you stalk out of the bar, Jeongguk following desperately behind you and Ina stomping after him.

“Y/N, can we please-” Jeongguk tries but you continue to stalk down the road, “Please!”

“Jeongguk, just leave her alone, it’s obvious she doesn’t care about you!”

The words fly out of your mouth before you’ve even thought about them, “Don’t you fucking tell me how I feel about Jeongguk!  You don’t know me!  You don’t know anything about Jeongguk and I’s relationship and from what it sounds like,” you spit out, glaring at her, “you don’t care about Jeongguk either.”

You didn’t realize how close you’d gotten to Ina until Jeongguk is stepping between you, hands held up placatingly.  You wonder what you’re hearing until you realize it’s you, that you’re panting heavily, almost like you’re about to have a panic attack.

“Baby, look at me,” Jeongguk says softly, “It’s okay, don’t worry about her, just look at me, focus on me.  Regulate your breathing or-”

“Jeongguk,” Ina says behind Jeongguk and Jeongguk turns sharply to face her.  It makes her mouth click shut with an audible click.

“Ina, shut your goddamn mouth,” he growls, sending a fearful shiver down your spine at the absolute malice in his voice.  When he turns back to you, his face has smoothed back out and his voice has softened, “Count as you breathe, let’s do four counts okay?”

Jeongguk talks you down, holding eye contact as he walks you through the counts, not touching you but his hands clearly available if you need them.  It’s a little embarrassing, but it’s not something Jeongguk hasn’t seen before.

“There we go.  Feeling okay?” Jeongguk asks sweetly, eyes tracing over your face like he can’t get enough of it.

“A little tired,” you admit, before you take a conscious step back, “I should probably go home.”

The desperation returns to Jeongguk’s eyes at the deliberate space between you two and the way you’ve closed your body off to him with your arms crossed in front of your chest.  He ignores Ina standing behind him, who hasn’t said anything since his outburst but hasn’t left either.

“Yeah, it’s late,” he says, voice resigned but the sadness evident on his face, “Do you want me to order you an Uber?”

You shake your head, pulling your phone out to do it yourself, and Jeongguk doesn’t take his eyes off you, ordering his own Uber.

“Y/N,” he says, and you brace yourself for more begging, but he just says, “Would you… would you please let me know when you get home safe?  I won’t even text you back or anything, I just- I just need to know you get back okay.”

You look at him for a moment, really look at him.  In the bar you had been eager to get away from him and so you had noticed the sunken cheeks and the casual clothes, but now, you really take him in.  His hair is longer, curling cutely around his ears as he pushes it out of his eyes.  His tattoos are real, not a customized skin he purchased for connecting, and though most of them are hidden, you can see the ones inked across his knuckles and on the back of his hand.  His eyes are round and sparkly in the shitty street light, boring holes into you as he refuses to look away from you.

This is the Jeongguk you’ve been connecting with for weeks, months, with the sweet eyes and sweeter voice, and you can feel the love you have for him throbbing almost painfully in your heart, desperate to understand.  Desperate to ask why?

You give him a minute nod, letting him know you’ll do that, and he doesn’t even try to hide the relief on his face.

“Thank you,” he murmurs, raking his hands through his hair again.  You realize how oily it is and you wonder if he’s been taking care of himself properly.

Your Ubers arrive at the same time and though you don’t want to, the sadistic part of you lingers for a moment, digging through your purse with a thinly veiled excuse at making sure you have everything, to watch them leave together.

They don’t.  Jeongguk opens the door for Ina and gestures her inside.  She looks smug, like she’s won something, and you wish you could see the look on her face when Jeongguk shuts the door without getting in.  He gestures something to the driver and the Uber takes off, and you get a sick sort of satisfaction seeing a brief moment of absolute incredulousness on her face as she passes under a lamppost.

You turn to look at Jeongguk, who’s watching you with his hands shoved in his pockets.  You feel so confused and you’re so tired from the rush of adrenaline your almost panic attack had given you, that you can feel tears welling up again.

“What about you?�� you ask, voice shaky, and Jeongguk frowns at you.

“I’ll just get another one.  Please go home, it’s late and you sound tired,” he steps closer, hesitantly, and you allow it.

“I am tired.  I’m so tired, Jeongguk,” you sigh, wiping some moisture away from your eye, before you open the door and slide inside.

You don’t look at him again, as the door shuts softly.  But you’re weak, and you’ve always been weak.  As the car pulls away from the curb, you turn in your seat to see Jeongguk standing under a solitary light, watching your car drive away with his hands still in his pockets, and you cry.

By the time you get home, you’re so exhausted you can barely keep your eyes open.  You do a half-assed job of cleaning your face and you don’t bother putting on pajamas after you undress so you just crash onto your bed.  Almost all the tension in your body flooding out of you as you sink into your duvet.

You glance at your phone, plugged in on your bedside table, and drag it to you.  You sent him a simple text, just a home, and there’s a little read checkmark beneath the phone.  He said he wouldn’t text you back and he hasn’t and even though he kept his word, it hurts, and you cry again.

-

You didn’t drink so you wouldn’t have a headache but unfortunately, crying yourself to sleep has left you dehydrated and with puffy eyes.  You thought you were over it but seeing Jeongguk in person last night had just smashed that little glass jar you were trying to bottle your feelings in and you don’t know what to do.  And what the fuck was Ina’s problem?

You lay in bed, staring at the ceiling as you toss your phone back and forth in your hands, deliberating.  A few texts couldn’t hurt, could they?  You have questions, and you want answers to them.  Closure.  He said he wanted to talk, so, you’d let him talk.

Hopefully you’d come out of it in one piece.

Your text is simple enough, just I have questions, and it warrants an almost immediate response.

from: ggukkie ♡

Of course baby whatever you want to know, ask

Now that he’s opened the door, you’re drawing a blank, because there’s so much but how do you ask?  How do you ask him why you weren’t good enough?

from: ggukkie ♡

Can I call you?

That feels like too much, like you’re opening yourself up to him for him to take advantage of you.  But… you press the phone icon before you can second guess yourself and you’ve barely gotten it up to your ear when it connects.

“Y/N…?” he asks, almost sounding afraid, like someone is playing a trick on him and it’s not actually you on the line.

“Jeongguk,” you greet and he lets a deep exhale out in response.

“Sorry, I just… need a second,” he whispers, voice shaky, and you wonder for a moment if he’s crying, or close to it.

You don’t say anything and the silence stretches on, burrowing under your skin and pricking at your nerves, your heart beating wildly in your chest.  You hear a few sniffles on his end and it confirms your fear, that he’s crying softly to himself.

“I didn’t think you’d talk to me again,” he finally admits, still whispering, voice stuck in his throat, “I thought watching you leave last night that that was it, that it was officially over for us.”

His words have your own tears springing forth and you’re so tired of this, this game you two have been playing for the past few weeks.

“Why?” you sob out and Jeongguk breaks down on his own end.

“Baby, please don’t cry,” he begs but it makes it worse, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

Gumdrop meows loudly from the living room and you hear the jingle of her collar as she pitter patters down the hallway to you, spurred on by your cries.  She’s already purring by the time she jumps up on your bed, headbutting into your hand to pet her.

“Who is she?” you ask, hands curling into your comforter.

“Ina’s no one,” he’s quick to assure you, “She’s an ex, and an ex for a reason.  Ina doesn’t mean anything to me anymore.”

“She doesn’t seem to think so,” you bite out, “She followed you to the bar and she must have followed you for a reason.”

Jeongguk is silent for a few moments and your heart plummets.  Finally, he lets out a shaky sigh.

“My brother got into an accident, that day,” he finally says, voice void of any emotion.

It feels like someone crushes your heart with a sledgehammer, knocking the air out of you.  You don’t say anything, can’t, and Jeongguk continues.

“The knocking was, um… my mom,” Jeongguk stops for a moment, choked up, “She came to get me, so we could go to the hospital.  It was a pretty serious accident and we’ve been trying to clear up a lot of things with insurance and his work.”

“Gguk…” you cry, pressing a hand to your eyes as Gumdrop cuddles up in your armpit, purring up a storm.

“Mom and dad have been staying with him as much as they can,” he continues, “and I’ve… I’ve been taking care of his daughter.”

You feel awful.  This whole time you’ve assumed that he was ghosting you, when really he had been dealing with some serious family issues and you… had been a complete asshole to him about it.

“Is Jeongyun okay?” you croak out, turning onto your side and curling around Gumdrop.

Jeongguk is silent for a moment, before he says softly, “He suffered some pretty serious spinal injuries and they’re… they’re not sure if he’ll ever be able to walk again…”

“Oh Gguk-ah,” you sob, pressing a hand over your eyes like that’s going to staunch the tears.

“Yeah…” he says simply, because what else do you say when your entire world is crumbling down around you?

“How’s his daughter?”

“Confused,” he says, “she’s only six and we haven’t let her go visit him, so she’s constantly asking where her dad is.  I’m just… not sure what to tell her, and I don’t know how to explain the situation to her.”

“That’s understandable,” you assure, “I couldn’t imagine trying to comprehend how hurt my dad was.  What’s her name?”

“Iseul,” he tells you, and you can hear the smile in his voice as he says it, “she’s beautiful, and funny, and smart.  Looks a lot like Jeongyun.”

“And… and her mom?”

“She decided she couldn’t handle taking care of a child and she and Jeongyun decided it was best if she wasn’t around at all.  The agreement works for both of them, I think she moved out of the country for her job actually, I’m not sure.  Iseul doesn’t seem to care, but we’re waiting for her to start asking about her one day, especially now that she’s started school.”

“I’m glad things have worked out for them.  It’s good to hear that their split sounds amicable,” you say softly, patting at the residual tears on your cheeks, running your fingers down Gumdrop’s spine.

“Yeah,” Jeongguk heaves out a heavy sigh, “it’s been tough.  We all try to pitch in to babysit Iseul when Jeongyun has to work, so I see her a lot.”

“Are… are you with Iseul now?” you ask, wondering if you’ve put Jeongguk in an uncomfortable position demanding answers when he’s trying to take care of his family.

“No, mom and dad watched her last night.  But moms dropping her off tonight so they can go to the hospital.”

You hum, letting the silence drag on.  It’s almost nice… nostalgic in a way that memories shouldn’t feel only being two weeks old.  But it almost feels normal, like how you and Jeongguk used to talk.  If you had known Jeongguk had lived close by, you might have asked to meet in person sooner, but you had grown so comfortable in what you two had that you hadn’t wanted to rock the boat.  Now, you kind of wish you had.

You can’t help but ask, “What does Ina have to do with all this?”

Jeongguk groans in disdain and you want to laugh, as you can imagine the arm he has thrown over his eyes, “She’s a pain in the ass.  Mom must have told her mom about the accident and Ina must have thought this would be our way of "reconnecting."”

Jeongguk huffs and you smile a sad little thing as he continues, “Our parents have been friends for years and they finally introduced us at the start of college when they learned we got accepted to the same one.  We didn’t date immediately, we actually didn’t start until our senior year and well… you heard last night.  She cheated on me.”

You frown on your end, and he continues, “It’s been a few years and I’m over it, but I guess she’s not.  I don’t really care though, I have no interest in being with her.”

You nod, aware he can’t see you, but unsure of what else to say.  He’s answered all of your questions and now you just feel like a fool.  All of this could have been avoided if you had just asked, but instead, you had let yourself make assumptions and caused yourself, and Jeongguk, unnecessary pain.

“Baby…?”

“Sorry, I’m here,” you whisper, pressing a soft kiss to Gumdrop’s head, thankful for her support.

“What are you thinking?” he asks, softly, almost like he’s afraid of what you’re going to say.

“I’m thinking that I’m a fucking idiot,” you chastise yourself, and Jeongguk hums in discontent over the line.

“You’re not an idiot,” he counters and you snort a self-deprecating sound, “it’s okay, I understand-”

“Shut up, it’s not.  Gguk-ah I’m so sorry, I should have- I don’t know what I should have done.  Listened?  Gave you time like you asked?” you’re back to crying, softly this time, frustrated with yourself.

Jeongguk coos at you, “Baby, it’s okay, I’m not mad.  I just… I just miss you.”

“I miss you too,” you admit, “so much.”

“If- If you have time, I’d like to connect-”

“No,” you cut him off and he trails off, heaving a sigh.

“Ah, sorry, I must have misunderstood-”

“I want to see you, in person,” you finish and he trails off again, “we have to live semi close to each other, if we were at the same bar last night, right?  I’d like to actually see you again, if you’re okay with it.”

“Okay with it?  Baby, I’d love to see you in person again.  Tonight, if you want,” Jeongguk offers and you’re surprised, to say the least.

“But, you’re going to have Iseul tonight,” you remind him.

“And?  Y/N, I don’t think you realize how much you mean to me.  I wanted to introduce you to my family one day anyway, why not start with her?”

You’re quiet for a moment, and Jeongguk misinterprets the silence, “If you don’t feel comfortable with it, we can meet up somewhere-”

“Do you want me to bring anything?” you interrupt, and you can practically see the smile on his face.

-

“I don’t go out with you for one night and all this shit happens,” Seokjin gripes in your ear piece and you giggle, bundled up on the subway as you head to Jeongguk’s apartment.

Jeongguk doesn’t live particularly close to you, but it’s not a long subway ride.  He, apparently, had picked that bar because he thought it was far enough from his apartment that Ina would leave him alone.  And well, that didn’t exactly work out for him.

“Yeah it was a wild night, I’ll say that,” you agree, purse snug in your lap.  Jeongguk had told you not to worry about bringing anything and you feel vaguely weird being empty handed.

“Are you sure about this?” Seokjin asks you, “About giving him another chance?  I don’t think he’s lying but…”

You smile, always appreciative of your best friend, “I am.  I should have just heard him out in the first place and these past two weeks would never have happened.  I’ve missed him, so much Jinnie.”

“I know, I just worry about you.  I’ll still fight him if you need me too!  I haven’t been going to the gym for nothing you know,” you can just imagine Seokjin exaggeratedly flexing his biceps and you laugh, perking up when you hear the announcement for your stop.

“I know and you’re getting so thick I think I’m starting to find you attractive,” you tease, fighting your way off the train.

“Starting?  Ha!  You’ve always found me hot, don’t even try to lie.  Hopefully Jeongguk knows he’s always going to be second fiddle when I’m around.”

You roll your eyes good naturedly, “How does Mina put up with you?”

“I dick her down good enough that she can ignore anything else I say.  Also, I cook.  Do you know she got mad at me the other day?  Told me I’m trying to fatten her up so no one else will want her, as if she still wouldn’t be the hottest babe in town, honestly.”

You smile at how in love Seokjin sounds just thinking about his girlfriend, “You are so dramatic.  I’m going to go before you wax poetic about Mina’s ass.”

“Hey, I love her for more than just her body!  Did I tell you she beat me at thumb wrestling the other day?  She also kills all the bugs I don’t want to touch.  She’s going to be the mother of my children all while being a boss bitch at work.  Oh!  She’s applied for a promotion and she’s a shoe in.  If she doesn’t get it, I’m going to burn her work down,” Seokjin drones, sounding so serious for a moment you don’t doubt that he will.

“I’m sure she’ll get it, she’s so good at her job!  They’d be dumb not to give it to her.  I’m going to check in with her later, and I’ll talk to you tomorrow, okay?  It’s half-priced smoothies, don’t forget!”

Seokjin makes an exaggerated moaning sound and you laugh, hanging up on him.  It’s a ten minute walk to Jeongguk’s apartment from the subway and the closer you get, the stronger the butterflies in your stomach stir.  It’s not nervousness, but excitement.  You’re so excited to see Jeongguk you think you’re going to be sick.

HIs apartment doesn’t have a buzzer, so you walk in and up the stairs.  Thankfully, he only lives on the second floor, so you aren’t wheezing by the time you reach his door.  You bite your lip as you ring his doorbell, immediately hearing what sounds like someone running.

The door swings open quickly and you barely have time to open your mouth before Jeongguk has hoisted you into the air, crushing you to him.

“Oh,” you gasp, arms wrapping tight around him as you’re knocked off your equilibrium for a moment, “Gguk-ah, what-?”

He has his face buried in your neck, staying still in the doorway and leaving you two looking like a couple of idiots to anybody who could potentially walk by.  But you don’t really care about that when you register how warm he feels under you, his hair brushing against your nose and smelling like strawberry shampoo.  His sweatshirt is soft in your hands and you run a hand up and down his back when you feel him shaking against you slightly.

“I’m so glad you’re here,” he whispers wetly into your skin.

You squeeze your eyes shut, feeling the tears well up in them as you hold onto him tight, glad to be there too.

When Jeongguk finally sets you down, his eyes are red rimmed.  He’s close to tears but he’s smiling, his hands coming up to frame your face and tilt it towards him.

“Hi baby,” he sighs, eyes darting across your face, thumps sweeping under your eyes lovingly.

You thought it would feel weird, seeing him in person, actually seeing him instead of connecting.  But it doesn’t.  Nanotech is advanced and the body under your fingertips doesn’t feel any different in the flesh than it did simulated but knowing it’s Jeongguk, that it’s really him, causes your heart to beat faster.

“Gguk-ah,” you smile, though you’re a little embarrassed at how intently he’s staring you down, trying to hide your face.

“Aw, is my baby getting shy?” he teases, pulling you closer to him so he can shut the door, “That’s so cute.”

“Stop,” you whine, letting Jeongguk help you out of your windbreaker and step out of your shoes, as he laughs at you.

He pulls you farther into his apartment, which looks so clean you think you could eat off the floor.  Jeongguk leads you to the living room, softly pushing you down onto his couch and practically diving onto you.  You squeal a little as you two bounce and it morphs into a giggle as Jeongguk wraps tight arms around you, turning his head so he can place his ear right on top of your heart.

It’s a position you’ve been in many times with him.  Jeongguk is an avid post-coitus cuddler, wrapping himself like an octopus around you as he basks in the afterglow.  He liked the closeness, he told you once, the retained intimacy afterwards that helped with his headspace.  You never minded because you like cuddling too, and you like running your hands through his hair and brushing soft fingers down his cheek and neck.

Jeongguk sighs heavily on top of you and you can feel the tension slowly easing out of his body, his arms going lax and his slow blinks, staring unseeingly at the TV.

“You look tired, Gguk-ah,” you say softly and he hums into your neck, pressing the softest kiss against your skin.

“I… didn’t sleep well, last night,” he admits and your heart aches, knowing you were the reason, that you were adding unnecessary stress to his already stressful situation.

“Take a nap, baby,” you encourage, and Jeongguk glances up at you.  Jesus Christ, those eyes; they hold the entire galaxy in them, “I’ll wake you up before Iseul gets here.”

“Mom’s dropping her off at five,” he mumbles, already starting to drift.

You kiss the top of his head, squeezing him a little as you say, “Okay, I’ll wake you up half an hour before then.  Sleep.”

Jeongguk doesn’t say anything, but the smile on his lips is sweet.

It’s a good two and a half hour nap, and you spend the time just (a little creepily, you’re willing to admit) watching him, eyes tracing over his face like you can’t get enough.  And you truly can’t.

Connecting is safe, for sexual reasons, but there’s still the chance that people alter their connecting appearances.  Jeongguk hadn’t done that and you can’t believe that he’s actually this handsome, all tan skin and toned muscles, hair a deep chestnut color and eyes as big as a doe’s.  You thought he must have purchased some sort of skin or body modifications, though you believed he was truly handsome, but this is a whole other level.  You hope he’s not disappointed learning you hadn’t customized yourself, either.

Jeongguk snuffles against your skin as you run your hand up and down his back, under his shirt, skin warm under your palm.  He’s starting to wake up, without you having to disturb him, and you smile as you kiss his temple.  He smiles sleepily, blinking loving eyes up at you.

“You’re still here,” he rasps, voice scratchy from disuse.

“Of course,” you whisper back, pressing a kiss between his eyes, before nuzzling your noses together, “of course I’m still here.”

He hums happily, basking in the kisses you scatter across his face, making exaggerated sounds as you do.

“Time to get up,” you remind him, “Your mom is going to be dropping Iseul off soon.”

“She has a key, she can let herself in,” he grumbles, burrowing further into your arms, trying to mold himself to you so there’s no space between you.

“Gguk-ah,” you laugh, smoothing some hair behind his ear.  He still looks tired so you don’t push it, “your hair has gotten long.”

“Mhm.  I’ve never had it this long, but I think I like it.”

“It suits you,” you gather some of it up in your hands and snicker a little, “look, apple hair.”

Jeongguk just smiles a little wider, letting you mess around with his hair, not even fighting you as you wrestle the hair tie off his wrist.

“Man bun…” you murmur to yourself, snapping the hair tie in place, “you look like an e-boy now.”

Jeongguk pinches your side in retaliation as he finally starts to stir and stand and you squeal, squirming away from his hands.  You watch him stretch upwards, his fingertips brushing the ceiling as he cracks his back.  You let your eyes linger on the strip of skin that shows when he stretches, knowing the ink on his hip is hidden beneath the waistband.

Jeongguk doesn’t call you out on your gaze, but he does smirk at you as he muses up the hair that you didn’t put up.

“Want something to drink?” he asks, scratching at his stomach as he starts towards the kitchen.

“Sure.  Water, please,” you request and you see him nod as you sit up on the couch, wiggling your feet under one of the couch cushions.

Just as Jeongguk hands you a glass, there’s a knock on his door.  Before he can even say anything, the door is opening and a soft, little voice is calling out, “Ggukkie!”

A wide grin blossoms on Jeongguk’s face and he turns around just as a little body barrels towards him, knocking her face against his knees a little roughly.

“Woah!” Jeongguk wobbles a little from the force, “Hey, Itsy.”

This must be Iseul.  You smile as she lifts her face to beam at her and you can see the family resemblance.

“Gguk, can you help with these bags?” it must be his mom calling out from the doorway.

You’re up before Jeongguk can address her, patting his shoulder as you pass by.  Iseul gets a little shy and hides back in Jeongguk’s legs, barely reaching his waist, peeking up at you in curiosity.

Jeongguk’s mom gives you a startled look as you take some bags out her hands, giving her a small smile, “Here, let me help you.”

“Oh, thank you…”

She’s delivering groceries and you take them to the kitchen, helping her pile them on the counter before you shoo her away, “I can put these away, go see Gguk-ah.”

She surveys you for a moment, but you’re adamant and she eventually concedes.  Jeongguk’s apartment isn’t that big, so you can hear what she says when she reaches him.

“Gguk, who is that?” she’s trying to ask quietly but her voice gets back to you anyway.

“Mom, that’s Y/N, I’ve told you about her,” he laughs a little and you smile to yourself.

“Y/N?!  And you didn’t tell me she was here?!  Gguk, I would have brushed my hair!”

He laughs louder at her, “Mom, you look fine, and I’m sure she doesn’t care.”

“Still…” you can only imagine the pout on her face from her tone of voice.

She mainly brought quick dry goods, so once those are put away and you store the milk, you’re done.  You’re a little hesitant about going back out to meet them, but you’ve avoided talking to people long enough.

Jeongguk’s mom offers you a brilliant smile once you exit the kitchen, and hurries forward to take your hands, “Y/N!  It’s so nice to meet you!  Gguk has told me so much about you.”

You blush a little as you take her in.  She looks tired, probably from the stress of her son being in the hospital and trying to navigate that situation, but you can see the resemblance to Jeongguk, mainly in the eyes.

“It’s nice to meet you, too,” you cut your eyes to Iseul, who Jeongguk is now holding in his arms, and decide to not say anything about Jeongyun, “I hope it’s okay that I hang out with Gguk-ah and Iseul today.”

“Of course!  I wish I could stay and chat, but I have… something to do.”

You nod, completely understanding, and she continues as she squeezes your hands, “But I’d love for us to have dinner together someday, all of us.  Anyone Gguk is so smitten with is someone I want to get to know.”

“Mom!” Jeongguk whines, making Iseul giggle.

You’re surprised when his mom pulls you into a hug but you lean into it, as she rocks you two in place for a few seconds, “I have to get going now, but we’ll talk about that dinner.”

“I’m looking forward to it,” you tell her honestly and her smile widens, if possible.

She turns on her heels to press a kiss to Iseul’s cheek and then Jeongguk’s, “You behave yourself.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll make sure she does,” Jeongguk nods at her.

“I was talking about you,” his mom teases and Iseul giggles at her, patting at Jeongguk’s arms to let her down, “I’ll pick Iseul up later tonight, make sure she eats dinner before I do.”

“I got this mom, go,” Jeongguk nudges her along gently and she lets him, giving you a little wave before she’s out the door.

Iseul is a sweetheart.  She’s a little shy around you at first, but she warms up quickly when she sees how comfortable Jeongguk is around you, making you a trustful figure in her eyes.  She has a bad habit of sucking her thumb and trying to talk around it, but she’s a cute kid that has Jeongguk wrapped around her little finger.

She insists on helping you two cook dinner, which means she sits on the counter and demands to taste test every few minutes, happily swinging her feet.  Jeongguk keeps sneaking little kisses, even though you reprimanded him the first time for PDA in front of his niece.  Iseul doesn’t seem to care about that, but she does demand her own kisses that Jeongguk willingly covers her face in.

Iseul wants to take a bath and Jeongguk doesn’t hesitate, leaving you two in the living room to draw it for her.

“Ggukkie is a good uncle,” she suddenly declares, snuggly settled in your lap and twisting the ring on your finger.

“Yeah?  You guys have fun when you’re together?” you ask her gently, stroking a hand through her hair.  It’s long; you wonder if she’d let you braid it once she was out of the bath.

She grins as she leans into your touch, “Yeah, Ggukkie is fun.  He lets me stay up past my bedtime and eat ice cream when gramma says no.  He’s also the only one who will play airplane with me.”

You hum, hearing Jeongguk padding back to the living room.  Iseul perks up at the sound and slides off your lap, tugging on your hand to pull you up.

“Okay Itsy, let’s go.”

You’re surprised she wants you to go with her, but you help steady her as she shucks her clothes off before she practically swan dives into the tub.

“Itsy, careful!” Jeongguk scolds, settling down on the floor and pulling you down beside him, “If you break your neck, gramma will have mine.”

She grins at him, smacking the water a few times before she turns a sweet gaze towards you, “Y/Nie, will you wash my hair for me?”

You’re soaked by the time Iseul has decided she’s done, letting you wrap her up tight in an oversized, fluffy towel as Jeongguk brushes gently through the tangles in her hair.

“Iseul, can I braid your hair?” you ask and she gasps, clapping her hands.

“Yes!  Daddy can’t braid.”

You do two french braids and braid them into each other in the back, before you roll it up and pin it in place.

“When we let it down when it dries, you’ll have the cutest curls.”

“Princess curls?” she asks, tilting her head in the mirror as she looks at herself, “Can I have my tiara?”

“Your tiara isn’t here, babe, it’s at gramma’s,” Jeongguk informs her, hoisting her up into her arms, “c’mon, let’s get you dressed.  You should still have some pjs here.”

“Pjs?  It’s not even bedtime,” she frowns, but doesn’t put up a fight as he walks out of the room.

“So?  There’s never a bad time to wear pjs,” he argues with her, and you snicker to yourself as their bickering tapers off as they enter his bedroom.

For a little girl who claimed it’s not bedtime, her drooping eyes deceiving her.  She looks adorable dressed in some Ponyo pajamas, something Jeongguk proudly claimed he picked out for her.  She’s curled up in Jeongguk’s lap, sucking gently on her thumb as she tries to pay attention to the cartoon he put on for her, snuggled under a blanket he had wrapped around them.  You’re watching them fondly, the way Jeongguk strokes from the nape of her neck down her spine and then back up.  The way he’s humming softly and pressing periodic kisses to her forehead.

She doesn’t last long under his ministrations, her eyes drifting shut one more time and not reopening.  You watch as her body goes lax in his hold and her breaths even out, her thumb slowly falling out of her mouth.

“Works every time,” he smiles, standing up gently so as to not jostle her, “I’m going to go lay her down, I’ll be right back.”

You smile and nod, watching him turn the corner of the living room.  You clean up the toys Iseul has strewn around the room, folding the blanket back up and turning the TV off.  You check the kitchen, just to make sure the dishes from dinner are actually done, and just as you turn back into the living room you see Jeongguk standing in the middle of it, back to you and hands in his hair.

You’re not sure what he’s doing but you’re quiet as you sneak up behind him, before you wrap your arms around his middle.  He jumps and turns his head towards you, bottom lip caught between his teeth.

“You okay?” you ask quietly, not wanting to wake Iseul.

“I- yeah.  I um, thought you had left,” he says, just as quietly, if not more, almost like he’s afraid to admit it.  Your heart pangs for him, aware of what you’ve done to him.

“I’m not leaving, not this time, not again,” you promise him and Jeongguk grabs ahold of your hands, holding them to his chest like a lifeline.

You stand there for a few moments, just holding him to you, breathing him in softly.  You’ve been such an idiot.

“I’m really sorry, Gguk,” you start and Jeongguk goes rigid in your arms, “that I was so selfish and never let you explain.”

“Y/N…” he breathes out and you shake your head against his back, letting go of him so you can slowly turn him to face you.

“I didn’t mean to make your trauma about me,” you reach up and place your hand on his cheek, trying to convey to him how sorry you are, “I made an already shitty situation that much more difficult and I am so, so sorry Gguk-ah, that I was so selfish, and that I didn’t stop to think about you at all.  About what might have happened and about how you were feeling.  And I just- I can never make it up to you, but I can start by never leaving you again.”

Jeongguk places light hands on your waist, eyes hooded as he stares down at you.  His eyes trace over your face, a small smile on his face.

“I love you,” he tells you and you start crying, “Aw, baby, don’t cry.  Is me loving you really that bad?”

He’s teasing you and you push his chest lightly, though it doesn’t even phase him, “Shut up!  H-How can you say that after what I’ve done?”

Jeongguk hums to himself as he pulls you to him, letting you bury your face in his neck as you sob, “You may be right, in that it was selfish, but I guess, in a way, I understand.”

You’re shaking your head but he’s shushing you, tangling his fingers in your hair, “Jeongyun’s accident made me realize that life is short and that anything can happen.  Being away from you for so long is not something I ever want to do again.  I can forgive you for the past two weeks, as long as we agree that we have to talk, about anything and everything that bothers us.  You can’t shut me out like that again, okay?”

You blubber into his neck, nodding your head, wrapping your arms tightly around him.  Jeongguk holds you, seemingly content to just have you with him.  He’s humming to you, like he was humming to Iseul, and you don’t know what the song is but it’s soothing.  When you pull away from him to wipe at your face, he does it for you, pressing kisses after the tears are gone.

“No more tears, baby,” he tells you, before he kisses your mouth, your lips fitting together snuggly, “there’ve been enough tears in the past few weeks, I can’t bear to see anymore.”

You nod and he wipes the last few dripping tears off your face, pressing more kisses to your face as he sways you both back and forth.

“Can’t believe I had to take care of two babies tonight,” he teases and you splutter, pushing at his chest again.

“Don’t make fun of me!” you whine and he laughs, loudly, before you shush him, reminding him of Iseul.

“Why did you clean the living room up?” he asks, leading you back to the couch.

He doesn’t have to push you down; you sit down and make grabby hands at him and Jeongguk eagerly goes, smiling happily as he settles comfortably on top of you, threading your fingers together and pressing a kiss to the back of your hand.

“I figured since Iseul was down for the night, I’d leave,” you explain.

“No,” Jeongguk pouts, “didn’t you just tell me you’d never leave again?”

“I-I meant your life and you, I didn’t mean… your apartment!” you sound a little scandalized and Jeongguk grins against your skin, scraping his teeth across it.

“Nope, too late, you live here now.  I’ll call my landlord in the morning and get you added to the lease, rent is due by the fifth.”

You just laugh at him, bundling Jeongguk in your arms and trying to smother him in your chest.  He takes it in stride, biting tiny marks into your skin that he admires in the low light.

With a small kiss to your sternum he says, “I’m serious, you know.”

“About what?” you ask, brushing his hair from his eyes.  His bun is still in tact, but it’s getting loose and you tighten it for him.

“About moving in.  You could, if you wanted,” he says, no trace of humor in his voice, “tomorrow, if you wanted.”

You blink at him, toying with the tuft of hair on the back of his head, unsure of what to say.  You finally come up with, “But my lease isn’t up for three more months.”

“Then in three months,” he says, immediately.

“You don’t think that’s too… fast?” you ask, tentatively, keeping a hold on Jeongguk’s hair so he can’t turn his head and look at you, though he tries, “We’ve only just physically met.”

“I feel like I’ve known you forever,” he mumbles, “don’t let me guilt you into anything, but just think about it.  If you don’t want to, just renew your lease, I’ll understand.  But I want you here, with me.  I don’t care that this is the first time we’ve actually met, the things I feel for you don’t exist in the vacuum of connecting.  They’re real and they squeeze my heart so tightly sometimes I feel like I’m suffocating.  I don’t wanna be without you.”

You tuck your face into his hair, wetly telling him, “I’ll think about it.”

“That’s all I ask for,” he squeezes you in return.

You hold each other until you hear his front door opening, and you panic, not wanting his mother to see you two wrapped around each other.  Jeongguk whines at you, keeping you held down in place.

His mom laughs when she walks into the room, Jeongguk pouting petulantly up at her while you give her a wide eyed stare.

“Iseul sleeping?” she asks tenderly, shutting the door softly behind her, “Is she in your room?”

Jeongguk nods, “Yeah.  She’s been asleep for about half an hour now.  She ate dinner really well and took a bath.  Her hair is still probably wet.”

She hums as she pads down the hallway and you immediately start poking Jeongguk in the stomach.

“Get up you ridiculous oaf!” you hiss, trying to push him up, “Your mother is here!”

“This didn’t bother you when Iseul was in the next room!” he retaliates, and his octopus arms somehow find space to tighten even more around you.

“She was sleeping!” you counter and you continue to push at him, but you do nothing more than tire yourself out and he doesn’t even budge an inch.

“It’s fine.  She’s walked in on my jerking off before, so this is pretty tame,” he says, casually, and you groan.

“I hate that.  Why would you tell me that?” you complain, collapsing back onto the couch.

You can hear Iseul and his mom coming back down the hall, Iseul’s little voice laced with sleep still as she recounts exactly what Jeongguk had told her.

“I hope she doesn’t rat me out about the ice cream,” he suddenly whispers, body going rigid for a moment as he thinks of the ass reaming he could get if she tattles.

“Did you have a fun time with Ggukkie and Y/Nie?” his mom asks quietly, stopping in the living room with Iseul tucked securely in her arms.

“The bestest time,” Iseul nods, grinning at the two of you, patting at her gramma’s arms to be let down.

Jeongguk finally sits up to accept her hug and you take the opportunity to quickly sit up, crossing your legs underneath you.  Jeongguk gives you a disgruntled look, even as he pulls Iseul into his lap and presses a kiss against her temple.

“Glad I got to spend time with you today, Itsy,” he tells her, booping their noses together and she giggles, “I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”

“M’kay.  Bye Ggukkie, love you.”

“Love you too, baby,” he smiles softly at her, setting her gently back on the ground.

To your surprise she toddles over to you, climbing clumsily into your lap and wrapping her arms around your neck.

“Bye, Y/Nie,” she sleepily kisses your cheek and you practically melt against her.

“Bye Iseul, sleep well, okay?  I hope you like your princess curls in the morning,” you tell her, kissing her cheek in return, and she smiles happily, patting at her hair.

“C’mon baby, we have to get you home.  You have school in the morning.”

Iseul doesn’t fight it, just goes back to her gramma and lets herself be bundled up for the weather.

“Okay, gotta get munchkin home.  I’ll see you two later.  And Y/N, I was serious about that dinner.”

You grin at her, nodding, “I was too.”

She grins back at you and waves.  Iseul copies her and waves too and when the door closes, the way Jeongguk body tenses has you springing up.  You’re glad you did because Jeongguk pounces on the cushion you were just sitting on, looking surprised when you’re not there.

“Hey!” he turns to you, “Where are you going?  Come back.”

“Gguk-ah, I have to go home,” you say placatingly, “Gumdrop is waiting on me.”

He pouts as he follows you to the door, almost completely plastered to your back.  He hinders more than he helps as you put your windbreaker and shoes back on.  He’s still pouting when you finally shrug him off, letting him pull you into a frontal hug.

“Now who’s the baby?” you tease, thumbing at his lower lip that he bites lightly at.  You act affronted but still accept the kiss he gives you, even if it lingers, “Gguk-ah I really do need to go.”

“Fine.  But come back tomorrow.”

“Gguk-ah, I work tomorrow,” you laugh, chiding him a bit, “we can have dinner tomorrow, okay?  You can come over and finally meet Gumdrop.  I just want you to know that if she doesn’t like you, though, we’re over.  Her word is law.”

Jeongguk lets out a disbelieving laugh, pulling you into another kiss, hands framing your face sweetly.  You smile as you indulge him, pressing repeated kisses against his willing mouth.  You internally roll your eyes when you feel his hand creeping down your back, settling on your lower back.

“Okay, stop trying to distract me I have to go now,” you admonish, pushing him away from you as he looks very close to stomping his foot.

“Damn, I was hoping the longer I kissed you the easier it’d be to get you out of your clothes.”

Now you really roll your eyes and Jeongguk laughs at you, “Fine, fine, fine.  Dinner, tomorrow.  I’ll meet you at your apartment.  What kind of treats does Gumdrop like?”

“Treats?  Why?”

“Gotta bribe her to make sure she likes me,” he shrugs and you scoff, “Text me when you get home, though.  Are you taking the subway back?  Should I drive you home?”

You shake your head, smiling, “No, Gguk-ah, it’s okay.  I’ll text you when I get back.”

He nods and finally lets you go, watching with a frown as you open the door.

“Don’t worry Gguk-ah, I’ll see you tomorrow.  I promised I’d never leave you again, didn’t I?”

He nods, still frowning, but you understand it’s going to take him some time to heal from this, even if he has forgiven you.  You can’t begrudge him for that, but you can only try to assuage his fears.

“Tomorrow,” he nods, final.

-

Gumdrop absolutely loves him, which is almost insulting, except you can’t fault her; you kind of love him too.

[clumsyclifford]

for ur fic i can’t be just friends, numbers 1, 5, 15?

GREAT CHOICE i just reread that fic the other night

i can't be just friends (you're messing with my head)

1: What inspired you to write the fic this way? helen's old jalex fics!! no, seriously. this one comes to mind. the way helen wrote alex in particular spoke to me back when i started the (my) fic, and full transparency, i don't really care for that iteration of alex anymore (hers OR mine). he was kind of a dick as a result of being young and scared, which i get. that's how helen's old jalex had always been written, with alex being too much of a coward to admit his feelings whilst jack is both comfortable in his sexuality and prepared to forgive alex and give him all the time he needs and basically let alex walk all over him. so i wrote mine like that, but that's a big character imbalance that i don't really like writing anymore. it felt like alex had all the big flaws and jack had none and i don't believe people are like that in real life. but anyway. that's what inspired it.

5: What part was hardest to write? the ending, reason being that i wrote it significantly later than any of the rest of it. the whole body of the fic right up until the scene where jack confronts alex and is like "you're avoiding me" - all of that was written around roughly the same time, when i was still in the mindset of "this is a jalex that i want to write." and then i left and came back to it some time later but i had come to the realization that i did not want to write this jalex in this way and i had to find a way to redeem the characters and tie up the arcs and the plot in a way that i liked and was satisfying both narratively and for me as the author. so that jack could make it clear how much alex's behavior had hurt him and alex could actually redeem himself. honestly maybe i oversimplified it, but at that point i mostly just wanted to finish the fic so i could be done writing it.

15: What did you learn from writing this fic? ill tell you honestly, i learned that i dont like writing characters this way. theyre lewd in a way that may be realistic but is not really my style, and i dont particularly enjoy writing a sexuality crisis that comes with so much denial. once again i know it's a realistic thing that happens but it's not for me. i don't like the idea that alex would be in any way disgusted by being attracted to jack. or in general that anyone would hurt someone else in that specific way. it's just not my cup of tea. there are so many more interesting ways, in my opinion, for a relationship to have problems, ways that give both characters depth and complexity. so i don't really do this one anymore.

caveat, i feel like i just dissed this fic a lot of times, but to be clear i really really love it. it was an exercise in writing something very far out of my wheelhouse. and with the way that i wrapped it up, ending it with more perspective than i began, i'm happy with the way it turned out. i'm GLAD i waited so long to write the ending so i could sort of try to remedy the shit i put these kids through in the thick of things. and i'm proud of this fic, it's got a lot of good stuff. so yeah

fic asks

[nnobara]

this is the anon from before, hope u don't mine me following up w a response but ur tags weren't too much bc i also agree as well the change in his style for that arc didn't hurt it imo at all! more specifically the part everyone talked abt the most, the rough sketch that begins when maki crushes two guys throats(wonderful)and ends when jinichi starts going after her. it's like, who knows if he ever would've tried this if it weren't for his state of mind at the time- but where he chose to give himself a break in the chapter, which panels/how many, he placed it perfectly. to me it flowed naturally as, from that point we were seeing thru ranta's pov as he's activating his ct, he sees her kill the 2, then he gets traps her in a literal eye(that we're seeing thru!!), and then from there on we're back to a general view normally. not that he needs an excuse for how to draw his story, but if we didn't know anything at that point abt how he was tired behind the scenes he could've gotten away w it as a creative risk. didn't seem out of place in my reading :-)

hi! no no i dont mind at all! yes that very part! while i did see that there was smt unusual w the panels i didnt even register those were rough drafts until ppl on socmeds brought it up and later gege confirmed it himself since it just seemed appropriate? in delivering the chaoticness and brutality of the situation no? it also looked like it was done deliberately since just like what u said only happened during that ranta guy in action.

it's like, who knows if he ever would've tried this if it weren't for his state of mind at the time- but where he chose to give himself a break in the chapter, which panels/how many, he placed it perfectly.

!!!!!! now now we literally have the same thought?? i was thinking of putting them on the previous answer but i didnt really know how to phrase it exactly so thank you so much!!! its like... 

...you know while he probably failed to meet his expectations and things were rough for him (like tell me again how many he had to draw that week only? 20 pages for a chapter, a lead color page, a colored spread... hell) yet its not everyday we get to see this style of his right? ive came to think that it was really something to treasure while i reread that chapter on the days of jjk hiatus

and your last two sentences, very true. tho he eventually said it himself he submitted rough drafts when he couldve just said it was just his artistic choice.. guess he received quite some call outs atm (which was inconsiderate considering his insane workloads) which he answered w another call out ajsjjdk never change gege

anyway thank u for sharing your thoughts!! it was nice to look back at things now it was quite uproar at that time with every kind of comments and responds ppl had abt that rough drafts that i didnt get to think for myself on what i feel at that time lol (just simply praying that gege was not ill or stuff)

[sleevesareforlosers]

1 4 and 18!!

1) is there a story you’re holding off on writing for some reason?

oh, god, yeah. like so many. mostly bc of like. time/energy constraints (i know two of these would be big multichaps and thats SUCH a daunting prospect for me rn) but anyway. abbreviated list of things i keep meaning to write:

- newsie/chimp centric twitterverse followup (but a prequel, actually i think)

- android au how kobra joined the crew

- comics-era the girl through cherris eyes

- postcomics a) vaya and the girls mom meeting/hanging out (ive got a bit done of this but like. not even a full scene) and b) exploration of vamos like, healing and stuff and c) something vinylocity that um. isnt minors dni

- more with angie, just in general. probably something between sing and the comics

- also more with mad gear, like backstory/early mgatmk days/deeper exploration of zone culture by virtue of him being a zones cultural icon

- just-out-of-the-city venom sibs and jet (but this one is also hard to write bc like. kobra is literally fourteen and he does a lot of unhealthy shit and itd be a hard one to navigate safely)

4) favorite character you’ve written

i feel like the obvious answer is kobra but honestly vaya and mads have such cool voices in my mind and theres a few ocs that idk. i never really plan on doing anything with them but they are neat! king mohilla. somethin about him aint right!

18) were there any works you read that affected you so much that it influenced your writing style? what were they?

oh its SO deeply embarrassing but there was this one fic i read a Lot when i was like. so mentally ill in high school and i tried to reread it the other day and had to stop because it was like. exactly the same kind of sentence structure i use when i write. literally terrifying. im not saying the title but i prommy its not like. infamous or freak shit or anything its just embarrassing

theres also things that like. didnt necessarily influence my writing style in a technical way but more in a like "laid the groundwork for settings that i like to write in" way by which i mean: media that fueled my fixation on the desert and thats like. ari and dante, spirit, the third percy jackson book, a fair amount of the killers nd patd (unfortunately), the x files, star wars, stargirl, night vale, the days of anna madrigal

also lets toss in lord of the rings bc fuck if i dont love the kind of love they all had for each other

send writing asks!

[mousehole5000]

okay im rewriting tgcf (only in my head im lazy) here are my notes on hua/lian specifically this is long bc fuck it. major spoilers obviously and same trigger warnings as the content of the book

disclaimer disclaimer disclaimer that i dont know anything about the cultural background of anything in tgcf or story tropes etc etc this is just I Think It Would Be Neat If..

there’s not really any reason to keep hc as a kid in the backstory BUT in the story in the intro (which i like narratively) it still says that it was a child who xie lian caught. it’s one of those things that got added to the legend to make xie lian seem even more noble, there are also probably a few other inaccuracies in the intro that get found out as the story progresses. in actuality hc was kind of a known troublemaker to the city guards or whatever or had been in the past. maybe his mother just passed after a long illness and his tumble off the wall was intentional. either way he’s kind of pissed at xie lian for saving him. xie lian is concerned about his health so he has to stay at the palace for a while he recovers and only interacts with xie lian a few times. there is a point where he says out loud all the things about the divide between the rich and the poor that have been illustrated by the scenes with mu qing. feng xin tells him to shut up but mq goes dead silent bc he kind of agrees but can’t say and does have his loyalty to xie lian (its a whole thing) and the resentment begins

also i think young hc’s personality is similar to his personality in the present but a bit more reserved and he’s got like this plucky streak or something. also he is unquestionably gay

anyway hc sneaks out of the palace and xie lian catches him obviously but they have a brief little heart to heart where xie lian is like “look you can go if you want here take this money food” etc and demonstrates that he has actually listened to what hc has to say and hc is like “wow no one other than my mom has ever listened to me in my life so thats what that feels like i kind of like it” and he probably is a bit awestruck by xie lian in different ways and after that is like “okay this kingdom sucks but.. that guys not so bad”

sad ironic sense that if xie lian hadnt ascended until he was older he may have actually be able to do something about the problems in the kindgom but alas we have a cycle to perpetuate

the “take me as the meaning of your life” scene still happens p much the same but xl doesnt recognize hc who is actually now at his lowest point. hc tried to find ways to make things better for people like him but he simply did not succeed (maybe his were efforts quashed by the corrupt authorities? its implied probably) and he’s more disillusioned with the kingdom and life than ever but still is holding on to those memories of xie lian as proof that it doesnt have to be like this but that thread is slipping until!! whose fucking voice is that??? thats right its the one person you ever believed was truly good and went and proved you right by ascending to the heavens at age 17!!! guess its time to stan him forever

anyway hc joins the army but legally or whatever and tbh i would have hated the flower cave scene regardless of anything i just hate any sort of s*x pollen trope or anything so thats gone (they can have a wound tending scene or something tho thats the good shit) and instead we have HL getting overwhelmed by some other demons or something together and xie lian protects hc and they both get injured very badly (maybe hc would lose a limb but im not sure how that would work once hes a ghost so thats on hold for now until i figure it out) and xl is fine but this situation ends up being part of why mq kicks hc out of the army but yes hc still ends up dying on the battlefield anyway </3

the wuming stuff is the same i think but also at some point xl is despairing and says something about that guy he saved from falling and wonders what happened to him and fire ghost wuming is like !!!!! (wait does this happen in canon? honestly it should)

in mount tong’lu i was tempted to actually have hc have a similar moment to the bamboo hat scene with the humans who are trapped in there but im not sure if i just want it to be the same as xie lian’s story... also i like the idea of hc needing to hang onto his devotion to get through his first few centuries of being a ghost so maybe he’s just inspired by xie lian’s sacrifice with the sword and the souls and thats why he claws his own eye out as a sacrifice

so this can go one of two ways from here!!! both are me projecting hardcore so take them with a grain of salt im not saying im right about the way relationships should be these a re just my thoughts <3

1. (the not fun one but it still has a happy ending) the story more or less continues the same as canon. pure and simple devotion is what carries hc through the centuries. we get to see some ghost city antics and its fun but there is nothing complicated about the devotion hc just wants to find xl and protect him. hualian eventually meet. they get along pretty well!! eventually there are cracks. when you hold someone in your mind for so long you have expectations for them that no person can meet consistently. hc thinks that since he’s seen xl during the worst time in his life that he can handle anything but it turns out that as amazing as xl is, he is also just a person and sometimes he is wrong or irrational or annoying. xl is so happy to have someone who will listen to him talk that he kind of neglects to really get to know who hc is as a person and hc is kind of like “huh i didnt expect this but im kind of hurt. i genuinely thought that i just wanted to serve and protect you but actually im my own person and this is weird” but he doesnt say anything he thinks he has to stick to his promise and it gets kind of uncomfortable!! maybe his luck goes haywire bc his faith gets rocked for the first time ever and they end up having to talk it out but their relationship is stronger for it <3

2. (i think this one is fun) hc struggles with waiting. he does it but its hard. he has doubts and when all his efforts to find xl are fruitless he starts to grow bitter and curses the day that xl saved him. his faith burns low but doesnt go out. then ghost city!! hc realizes that he can finally help people like him, even if theyre ghosts now and hes grateful for the chance to do this and grateful to xl and resigns himself to waiting. but its still hard!! he realizes that his luck is tied to his devotion and gets kind of pissed about it!!! he tries to remember all the good things about xl but its hard!!! his search becomes more about repaying a debt so he can be free than anything else, he just wants to help the common people spirits with no strings attached (this actually allows him to keep his luck bc he has the same wish as xl and thats what makes him a true believer!! is this corny? does it make sense? i dont care) and so eventually when he finds xl he’s like okay how quickly can i repay this debt/how can i keep my powers but then xie lian is... so good... and hc actually really likes him he remembers why he swore his devotion in the first place. now hes conflicted!!! dont worry they fall in love tho <3

wow this was really long if you read this hiiiii. anyway when i reread ill try to pay more attention to yin yu and he xuan for hc’s 800 years. hua cheng we’re gonna get you some friends and lore i swear to god

[thatgazebobullshit]

IT CHAPTER TWO REVIEW

This is v long and heavy on the spoilers, so read at your own risk

.DISCLAIMERS

1. I saw this in the Spanish dubbed version because of reasons. I will be rewatching the original version but, because I still haven’t, there may be some things that I’ve missed because of the translation. I also didn’t hear the changes in the kids voices which made the “they haven’t aged” thing they tried to pull a tiny bit more believable.

2. I have read the book. However, I read it about 8 years ago and I while I’ve reread some parts, I’ve never read the whole thing since. Because of this, there were a lot of scenes that I felt weird about, as I couldn’t tell if they had just made this really random thing up or I just couldn’t remember it.

3. These are just my opinions, please don’t take them personally. I love all the characters with my whole heart and I do think the actors did them justice.

THAT BEING SAID

Let’s start with what I liked

1. The cast

They all did a fantastic job. Every single one of them. Even the new little kids killed it. (The scene with Pennywise and the girl in the bleachers was one of the best moments/jumpscares in the whole film for me). Obviously Bill Hader was a standout, also I’d only seen him in SNL so I didn’t know what to expect, and he definitely impressed me. But we can’t forget about James Ransone. I couldn’t get enough of him. He captured Jack’s Eddie so so so so well he deserves every bit of praise he gets.

2. The flashbacks

I don’t know who the fuck said there were too many flashbacks, but they’re wrong. I get wanting the focus to be on the adults but the flashbacks gave us a bit more insight on the losers dynamic outside of the whole “this clown is trying to kill us so we need to stick together”, and I liked that they showed more encounters with It, because there is no way he only tried to get to them once all summer. Eddie’s scene with his mom was really good too, I liked it a lot more than his scene in the first movie with the leper. Also they were cute as fuck. Don’t get me started on the hammock scene.

3. Adrian and Dom

I loved this scene. It was a great beginning and it gave me hope for the film. Really well done, very similar to the book and heavy on the reddie references, which you know I love. Also very sad, but I knew what was going to happen so it didn’t affect me as much.

4. Richie’s arcade scene

This scene hits hard. Finn Wolfhard’s acting is 10/10. He just wanted to play with the cute boy Bowers leave him alone.

5. Mike calling Eddie

I’m a bit bitter that they didn’t make him a choffer but I’ll admit that making him a risk analyst makes sense. His conversation with Myra was on point. It said so much in very little time. How unhappy they are, the mommy thing, just great. Also the car accident and him being like “I’m fine”. Wonderful.

6. Benverly/Reddie scenes

The parallels. Amazing. Beverly drowning in blood while Ben drowned in dirt, very effective. Meanwhile Reddie just being husbands. 10/10. The pomeranian bit might have been my favourite in the entire movie, not gonna lie.

OKAY NOW TO THE THINGS I DID NOT LIKE

1. Mike

Yes, Isaiah did really good. But Mike character was just so... bad. Just really annoying. The scene where he drugs Bill just didn’t sit right with me. It just wasn’t Mike and I was really frustrated with his character any time he did or said something, I’m sorry

2. Bill

Again, really great job on McAvoy’s part, but, again, I found the character very annoying and unnecessarily reckless/stupid at times. The scene with the sewer and the kid was just uncomfortable to watch and a bit cringey. Also the whole blaming himself and going after It alone got old very soon.

3. Most of the “scary” scenes

There were a few good jumpscares here and there, but in general the actual scary parts of the movie fell kind of flat. Young Richie’s encounter with It would have been really cool if not for the horrible, horrible cgi on Finn’s face. The scene with the naked grandma looked promising in the trailer but it ended up being pretty meh. Also the photographs and her talking about Pennywise like it was her father and them showing him as a person dressing up as the clown... very misleading and completely unnecessary.

4. The final battle  

So many things wrong with this part. Where do I begin. For starters, why would they include the super weird ritual that I can’t remember if it was in the book or not, if it was just gonna be for nothing. Literally the whole getting the objects was such a big part of the movie and all they do is put them in the fire and scream for a while and then it’s like “well guess that didn’t work” and then they are in the same exact place they were as children. The objects did NOTHING WHY WOULD YOU MAKE IT SUCH A BIG DEAL I DONT UNDERSTAND. And do you expect me to believe that while all of them had their weird adventure (Bill with young Bill and the Benverly/Reddie scene) Mike was just there????? Hiding behind the rock???? The whole time????? Eddie’s scene was nice and I wouldn’t have mind the changes if HE HADN’T DIED FOR NOTHING. Like are you telling me that ALL THIS TIME all you had to do was BULLY THE CLOWN TO DEATH. WHAT THE FUCK. That was soooo underwhelming. Very unsatisfactory. Seeing a bunch of adults just shouting CLOWN, YOU’RE JUST A CLOWN to this thing that’s supposedly this great evil was just, so bad I cringed the whole way through. As you can see I’m still bitter about it.

So yeah, that is all I have to say. Had its moments. Enjoyable, scary at times but also kinda disappointing.

Oh and the whole “horror version of brokeback mountain” is a load of bullshit. There is so little Reddie please don’t go in there expecting this big gay romance because you only get glimpses of it and they never delve into Eddie’s side of it. So yeah, glad R+E happened, but it does, unfortunately, seem kind of one-sided the way they went into it.

[oppressiveliberator]

What are things Ghetsis likes to do in his spare time? Does he have anything in particular that he really enjoys doing that most wouldn’t know about? (Like. Knitting or some hobby type thing like that.)

Hobbies, huh. . . .

Ghetsis is a very goal-oriented person. Back when he was Plasma Boss and all, he wasn't really one for many hobbies--he certainly enjoyed doing things in his free time now and then, but by the time he'd adopted N, he was putting most of his free time into Plasma and advancing his goals and such.

But like I said, he did enjoy things now and then!

((snip snip unless you’re on mobile in which case as always I am sorry--maybe i should start putting these into multiple posts instead of singular big ones?  lmao

Also brief mentions of I think abuse, Pokémon abuse, torture??  i don’t think there was anything else triggering in there but i’m also too lazy to reread it lmao))

Ghetsis loves to read. He most enjoys nonfiction--true crime, history, religion, culture, Pokémon, human psychology, science, world news; Ghetsis really loves just about anything that can teach him something new. He's all about doing lots and lots of research, too, and he's actually well versed in old languages, too, especially old Unovan. He made a cypher for translating(and even taught Zinzolin how to read it a bit! In fact, Zinzolin is the one who has the Old Unovan linguistic work he's done atm because he can't let go of his boyfriend's old things) But he also likes a good fiction novel--crime, historic, alternate history, adventure, thriller, horror. . .he's picky about fantasy and science fiction and romance, but he'll read them now and then too.

While he's not really that into it, he does watch a lot of TV lately. He has days where he's pretty much immobile, so something he can just lie down and watch is nice to at least keep him from just sleeping all day. His taste in TV and movies is pretty similar to his taste in books. However, he's not much of a TV person and it's more something he just kind of accepts as what he 'has to' do nowadays. Sometimes he just. Doesn't have the energy to turn pages in a book. But entertainment is always better than boredom.

In his current state, Ghetsis doesn't really do much daydreaming or quiet contemplation, because ultimately it leads to a heavy slew of negative thoughts and emotions and makes him feel terrible. But in the past, he spent much of his time thinking about the world, plotting, planning. Lately if he does anything it's daydream or dissociate but. The latter isn't really, y'know, a hobby or something he really wants to do.

Music! Is one of his highest interests!! The Harmonia family is a very musical and artistic one, so he was surrounded by music and taught to sing and play instruments since he was in diapers. He doesn't think of himself as being able to play instruments nowadays. . .even though he still played now and then when he lost most usage of his arm, so long as it obviously didn't really require both hands or a need for both could be worked around. At present he's more into listening to music than anything--and his tastes are far more variant than you'd expect, as he's able to find some enjoyment in most any genre. He's started to sing more lately, too, although since his voice is often poor, he hates to do it and have to hear how terrible he sounds. But after Bede told him not to be discouraged over it and that some practice would surely restore his voice to its former glory, he's been singing to himself a bit more in an attempt to get his vocal chords back in decent condition.

(The unexpected part of this is when you find him singing old pop songs. . . . . . . .)

Ghetsis is, despite being antisocial as far as his personality/mindset/comfort levels, actually quite outgoing and enjoys people's company and talking to them, watching them. He loves social events and crowds and being around people--although he also hates it because, well, everyone is below him and the world around them is usually disgusting. But he quite likes company, especially from interesting and intelligent people, and he's playfully flirtatious too. While he prefers to do the talking and teaching, he's not against listening if somebody catches his attention and, again, Ghetsis has an insatiable desire for knowledge. Oh and socializing doesn't always have to be positive, either! He l o v e s to harass his protags. He likes to disturb people and make them afraid and uncomfortable and upset. He'd probably be an internet troll now and then if he bothered with internet socializing.

(Also, Ghetsis fucks to survive is a hedonist. So having people around means getting laid when he wants to. And how can he say no to being attended to and having his body worshipped and pleasured? To the power that comes with controlling someone else's pleasure, making their whole body respond with a mere touch, sometimes even less?)

As of late he also quite enjoys taking walks when he can--and while he's still beginning to accept it, he has started taking his wheelchair out(though, not in the regular world, only in the magic plane he’s hiding on) if he can't do his own walking and just enjoying the world outside. He. . .misses it.

He actually is very well travelled and he loves travelling, visiting new places, learning new things in person, going on expeditions and to archaeological sites and ruins and historic places. . .! Up until BW he travelled a good amount and enjoyed the bounties and interests his the world had to offer, practical or not. He likes himself a good time and experiences. Of course it lessened when he acquired his kids, especially N. And nowadays he hardly even leaves the house, let alone the region, though with the way his magic hideaway works(rather, doesn't work) he can wind up travelling by accident simply because it isn't stable enough not to move around.

And, of course there's magic. Ghetsis habitually draws little magic circles and things here and there, little spells to store magic or discourage nightmares or encourage remembering things. If he's idly tracing something on a table that's probably why. If he's idly tracing something on a person, that's probably why--in particular, he'd 'bless' N with safety when he went outside, or put magic on him that would ideally 'lock' his mind somewhat so he wasn't influenced by the outside world and had his plans ruined. Ghetsis does rituals every now and then(there used to be some cultish stuff in Team Plasma. . .maybe. . .but rituals aren't necessarily cultish, just like regularly done things) and magical cleanses, protection for his own spaces, charging the crystals and things he has around, and practices little bits of magic here and there just so he knows he can still do it. Now and then he tries to learn or develop new magic, but he's really not in the best condition for good magic usage. It certainly doesn't stop him but, y'know, tries to keep playing with fire to a minimum lest he burn his house down.

Of course, these are mostly things he does at present. . .with the strokes and the weakness in his body and the problems with his cognition and mind in general. . .his options are lessened in his opinion. His depression and lessened will to live make it hard for him to do even those things--let alone some of the things he used to do.

Sports are among the things he'd done in the past--namely basketball(just kinda happens when you're over 6ft tall.) He gave his old ball to N to teach him to play, but back then he could still play, one arm or not. Nowadays he has trouble even sitting up let along standing, running, and he's still accepting that he needs a wheelchair now and then when he can't get around so easily himself, so wheelchair basketball isn't something he'd even consider trying. Playing basketball? Tennis? Hell, any sport? He can't even consider it. He hates watching sports now. Whereas he used to love to do so because he could watch Unovan teams VS other regions and feel proud and cheer for Unova and so on, but now he can't stand it because it makes him think of how he used to be.

One of the things he did a lot up until the end of BWB2W2, was, of course, train his Pokémon, care for them, sometimes even play with them. They needed exercise and enrichment, and keeping them in fighting and killing shape was a high priority, both for enjoyment/entertainment and for the sake of having strong Pokémon. But now his Pokémon are all gone. . .and he resents all Pokémon for it and his hostility towards them all has increased. If anything at present, he takes even greater delight in hurting Pokémon than he had in the past.

Public speaking, debating, evangelizing, convincing people of Plasma's ways, giving and writing speeches was also a hobby he enjoyed. Usually, however, he winged his speeches, simply spoke from his cunning heart. Of course, if he tried to do something like that today. . .well, someone would call interpol and it'd be a whole thing. . .he does talk to himself a even more than he used to now, but it's not the same.

Punishing and teaching Plasma's members and anyone they decided to. . .host for a while, so they could learn the truths and come to know Team Plasma's might and perspective. . .being able to torment captives, seeing the hope leave somebody's eyes, god. He misses power. He misses victims. He misses taking out his frustrations on somebody locked in his dungeons, beating them and spitting on them and showing them how above them he was, torturing them--. . .expressing his power, he never really gets to do it anymore. . . . Harming others. . .even less. . .and what power, authority, strength does he have to at present anyways. . . . .

Training members of Plasma and their Pokémon, using the Pokémon they'd liberated for various behind the scenes work like building the castle, abusing people and Pokémon alike, really he found such bliss in it. Yes, it was something he kept quite quiet about or explained away until Neo Plasma--after all, nobody knew of his plans and intentions until he was defeated--but that didn't mean he didn't enjoy it.

Unexpected things. . .hm. he's pretty adventurous so I'm sure he's tried lots of things, but ultimately discarded them as things to do often for one reason or another. Knitting he can't see himself doing, one hand and all.

When N was younger, he actually took care of the human dolls and toys he gave him, since n mostly cared about the pokémon ones and was neglectful towards the human ones. Which was what was intended! But it irked Ghetsis's sense of perfectionism to see them all messed up, so he'd do their hair and dress them and so on just so they were in order and not a messy pile in the corner.

Ghetsis liked visiting dig sites and such, but he also enjoyed personally going on expeditions now and then too! He'd been planning one to the Abyssal Ruins for some time, but it never came to fruition. . . .

Since he was so well researched and did lots of discovering things himself, he’s written academic papers and things of that nature too.  Spreading his knowledge is always great.

Sciences piqued his interests sometimes, although that may not be a surprise. It's probably even less of a surprise that he was interested in experimentation on people and Pokémon--he was usually eager to let Colress do as he pleased as a result.

OH RIGHT ALSO! COLLECTING STUFF!! In particular things relating to or supposedly relating to legendary and mythical Pokémon and extinct ones too and history/legends and other unique things--stuff like feathers from legendary birds or orbs or gems said to strengthen or summon them and stuff like that. . .! He has a raw keystone, but he's not super aware of what it is since Mega Evos only really have recently come into common knowledge and he wasn’t in Kalos to learn about that in particular at the time, so he just thinks it's a cool kalosian rock with a strong life energy.

Tbh idk about any unexpected hobbies for him. . .tbf i also have like. No hobbies of my own. So this is kind of a hard question for me because doing things in your spare time??? I can't even bring myself to do things when o have to do them! Lmao.

He's abandoned a lot of his hobbies and interests. It kinda comes with being old and disabled and depressed and losing your will to live. He's feeling a bit better as of the start of the blog recent--so he's getting a bit active again, but. . .he's still not used to being "incapable" and it gets between him and doing anything for fun.

But hopefully this answer satisfied! And if not, if you're curious about anything in particular, send another ask my way!!

[kosmicdream]

I wish I found this blog sooner, after a certain point I became completely unable to follow all the new characters/sideplots in FFAK and it's nice to have some supplemental material to help me keep track :,)

Aw No problem. I know FFAK is a lot to handle and it kind of nose dived into lore around chapter 10 and went into superdrive with scenes flashing by in chapter 11 and so forth. I did this intentionally because there’s just too much information to give at once, i get impatient waiting. The biggest difference between later chapters and the earlier ones is that I just didn’t clue you in to much of anything really as the same characters slowly meandered around and then later on, i was shuffling thru diff scenes/characters super fast without fully revealing details-- especially inbetween events as i was changing timelines. so it gives an uneasy feeling of “wait, i dont get it, what just happened? AHH” when things are linear, even if you dont know all the details of what’s going on, its always harder to reset the mind when you’re in a totally different time period or a character is at a completely different age. ffak kind of requires you to sit and think about what’s going on sometimes cause it can be difficult to just quickly click thru pages and really “get” whats happening. I would say that doing this is somewhat of a manipulative storytelling technique?? i suppose??  as readers can often feel overwhelmed and uneasy experiencing it, but I enjoy knowing that i actually DO know all the details and instead i can focus and highlight on the more emotional/symbolic parallels in character arcs vrs just like, just forwarding information in a more normal way. Doing this just is taking the focus instead on “knowing everything” to a feeling that links and bonds these characters together in these moments/memories/experiences. I also know i will be sharing basically everything at some point, so its kind of a bit of a flaunt to show off stuff without giving the full picture until a later date lol. Eventually, i like to think there are moments when the readers connect the dots of information and then its sort of an exciting thing to discover...!! sometimes revealing information this way plays out more successfully than other times, but i kind of think that if a chapter is terribly confusing its worth waiting a couple more chapters before it starts to make more sense. :D or maybe do a fast reread of the chapter before. kind of like how ch8 (with crimson’s weirdness) makes more sense once you read up to ch11. the info eventually sinks in and then its like “oh, so that’s what happened!"I think around chapter 15*  the first arc of the comic will be completed and things won’t really be as confusing... lore wise anymore from there on out...? this is just the most difficult leg of the journey. (meaning, there is not really a lot more like... big story elements i will be including that hasnt already been touched on in some way already.) i basically tried to spend ch12 just connecting as many strings of plots and information as i could, which made it pretty slow for me to complete. OMG.. i kind of got off track. anyway i just wanted to say im glad the additional information helps! sry its not more well organized. its too much work for me to figure out how i’d do that so i just try to .. not think about it... kosmic is tired!!!!!!!

(*this is my guess, according to my scripts atm- my process is a flexible one and each chapter is so long it takes me months to complete, so by the time i reach the end of a chapter my goals shuffle a bit to accommodate any improvements i might find along the way.)