#and then had to kick them out eventually because they assaulted me when i put my foot down

[slutdge]

im tired of meeting other leftists but theyre so locked in on the most asinine aspects of politics possible. im so sorry i didnt meet your social justice enamel pin quota and listen to a band that said faggot once in the 90's. do you do anything besides tweet free palestine and wear 15 dollar patches that say Women Rule The World. quickly.

[rubbership]

tw sexuak assault and incest hey guess who figured out why they were so fucked up.

its still really hard for me to grasp the fact that my mom was equally sexually abusive as my dad if not more because she was actual physical about it but christ its such a driver of so much of my stupid fucking ptsd. i hate thinking about her and my step mom because at least my dad is like. Evil. you know. theres guilt there and upset but i guess i understand him in a lot of ways. nothing about him throws me because all of it makes sense. hes a poor, undereducated abuse victim who did poorly in school and had no friends and was forced into the military after being kicked out of his parents house. my mom though? i dont Know. i dont Know. that whole side of her family is disgusting and creepy and secretive so i never pressed and i never got to spend time with hwr growing up to learn. i just got abused a lot and then she was out of ky life until i was 19. i remember she started freaking out ay me when i told her i dont remember living with her much past ballet and farming stuff bwcause of my ptsd and she freaked the fuck out. she was screaming at she and gripping her hair and i remember realizing it was a mistake that i was at her apartment at all. she kept acreaming at me about how theres no way my memory is that bad and that no one iust "forgets everything" until theyre a mid teenager. and I kept reiterating that she knew i had PTSD and that a lot of bad things happened and she didn't care.

i think im just really conflicted about the wat she was abusive. ive kind of written her off i guess. she was a drug addict and volatile verbally and kept me out of school but surely shes normal. or at least the most normal a person in her shoes can be. but i keep being forced to look at memories of things shes done and its like a part of me is forcing me to look at her like how i look at my dad and i hate that. i hate seeing her as An Abuser despite her being as bad as my dad because she was practically a kid when she had me, but its at rhe point where its like. i WAS a kid when i had to raise her kids. not a 21 year old kid, like her when i was born, but literally a 10 year old child. And its not like i was groping my sisters or wating their food or spitting on them/getting fluid on them and laughing at their embarrassment and disgust. My mom very strongly had this idea of "you came out of me, that means its not gross/weird if i do xyz" which i at the time. figured had to be true. it can't be gross if we share all the same dna.

i dont know this is basically just becoming a big dump for me to say things that my mom would do that i feel like im not allowed to mention. i think ive brought up a lot the story of her partially pantsing me and making fun of how much pubic hair ive grown, its what got me to cut her off. i brought up that she did that to me and she was so insistant it never happened but it literally did- it literally happened to the point where i developed an intense neurosis about keeping myself shaved/groomed down there and eventually i got caught with a container of my own hair because i thought if i tried to throw it away id get caught, and THAT got added to the proof that i was an aspiring serial killer and deeply deeply psychologically fucked up. i dont know. i just remember being grossed out by my body and thinking about the fact that my own mom thought i was gross and "grown" at a young age. but the story is so perfectly in tune with who my mom is as a whole, she loved to grope and grab and to her it was all perfectly normal and what mother's do because you came out of their body, ans you just have yo put up with it because thats what They Do. and its just.

i dont like my mom i think im realizing. like at all. i dont know. maybe ive made that clear in the past but i try to hold onto the hope that if she just works on herself she'll get better but im jusy realizing how much damage she actually did.

[lgbtlunaverse]

There's something that happened in my first relationship, which was with a guy (I was 19, he was 18) and which also happened to be the moment I realized I didn't like being feminine.

It's a very strange feeling to seek out and engage with butch aesthetics and visual language while being in a relationship with a straight man. And it ended up with me being very insecure about my masculinity. Not in the least because he was better at it than me. I was new to it, while he'd had his whole life to practice the performance of manhood. And so I'd always silently resent it whenever I felt "girly" compared to him. (No surprise this relationship didn't last. Though we actually broke up amicably for other reasons.)

One of the most alarming moments was in the first few weeks, when the silent question of sex came up. We were both allo, so the expectation was that we were going to have it, it was just a question of when. And despite being younger than me, he'd had more experience. He was ready before I was, and I found myself in the position of being the one asking to wait.

And I haaaated it.

Something many people get wrong when they talk about 'socialization' under partiarchy is they try to split it into a strict binary. Girls get told to be one way, boys another. In reality what happens is you are taught both roles, and you're told which one you're supposed to play. But patriarchy relies on a culture of social enforcement. You are not only supposed to play your part, but make sure your social circle does as well. And as a girl while I felt pressured to be feminine, I was also taught what men were 'supposed' to be like.

And so when I, as a queer woman, decided I wanted to be masculine, all the trappings of patriarchal masculinity were already in my head.

And part of that was always wanting sex.

I felt genuinely ashamed about not being ready. I felt like I was being girly, being weak. I genuinely considered pushing through the discomfort and projecting confidence I didn't feel so my boyfriend would see me the way I wanted to be seen.

Common sense kicked back in, luckily, and I made my limits clear. When we did end up having sex it was fully consensual, albeit mediocre (sorry.)

That was over 2 years ago now. But that feeling stuck with me. That shame. I couldn't relate to discussions with other women about feeling pressured to have sex before they wanted to, because their experiences were rooted in male entitlement. Part of stereotypical femininity is 'purity', that's why 'holding out' made me feel girly. But it's also availability, and obedience. There's a 'correct' middle ground between slut and prude, and the expectation is that under the 'correct' circumstances, after having waited long enough to verify said purity, you will put out. That a man is entitled to your body, eventually.

But that wasn't what I experienced. The pressure came from myself, and the patriarchal archetype of masculinity. I didn't just want to give in, I wanted to be the one initiating, because that was part of the role I wanted.

And I do wonder how common this experience is, both for other masculine queer people, and cis men. How many times they've had or even initiated sex they didn't actually want to have, because that's what they're "supposed to do." Even when I do see talks focusing on male victims of sexual asssault, and how the stereotype that men always want sex hurts victims, I don't see a lot of discussion on how that stereotype may lead to unwanted sex even outside of the boundaries of assault. (This is called Unwanted Consensual Intercourse or UCI for short. Where verbal consent was given despite one person not actually wanting it. It's a concept I wish got more attention in general.) But considering just how easily and quickly I fell into this type of thinking, I suspect it's frighteningly common for people to violate their own sexual boundaries, and that most of them will never talk about it.

[antispopausandstuff]

if you're a glimmer fan, ignore this.

.

gonna be honest.

i absolutely hate Glimmer, and not just because of s4.

she was a terrible person from the start and i'll get into why.

i'm going to get into her relationship with Angella another time, because that is a whole mess in of itself [ because of Glimmer ], and deserves its own post.

anyway, Glimmer:

undermines her supposed best friend's [ Bow ] abilities for no reason and doesn't give an actual apology [ her admittance to being wrong also seems really reluctant and annoyed to me ].

has an issue with Bow having friends for some reason, even though this was never brought up in any way before, and uses Adora as a prop to show just how much better fun she's having [ yeah, obsessing over your best friend daring to have fun with someone that isn't you is totally having fun ]. and then when Bow tries to talk to her about, she expects him to apologize [ yes, i know she does apologize for this later, but i hate how she even thinks of this in the first place ].

projects her own insecurities onto her ma like crazy while constantly, constantly going behind angella's back for no fucking reason and being ridiculously reckless, but then whining about how her ma doesn't see her as capable [ this sounds like a familiar cat... ].

this isn't specifically about Glimmer, but it just annoys me how literally almost no one actually helps Adora with Catra constantly harassing and assaulting the poor girl until she's about to die or get kidnapped, like what the hell?

'Ties That Bind' is another episode that was a complete waste of time and did nothing but paint how annoying and asshole-y Catra, Glimmer, and even Bow, unfortunately, are.

'Roll With It' Glimmer [ and everyone else, but Glimmer's a streak atp ] can actually kiss my ass, because this is not what you do in a war or when someone is having a panic attack about someone trying to kill them and everyone else.

no one talks to Adora about White Out. ever. what kinda friends are you?

Glimmer continues undermining Angella and doing stupid ass shit, like letting Shadow Weaver power her up [ yes, this could've been an arc and, maybe, about one where Glimmer would eventually understand what Adora had gone through, but that didn't happen, and she put pretty much everyone in danger by trusting SW. and yes, i'm aware Glimmer apologized to Angella in the fake reality thing, but i don't buy it ] and leaves her ma with the belief that she's a coward [ when Angella's one of the most logical characters out of the cast ].

i'm tired of people saying that Glimmer was manipulated by SW in s4, and that's why she let SW walk whenever she wanted, when in previous seasons, Glimmer has repeatedly brought up how manipulative the woman is and WATCHED HER TRY TO WIPE ADORA'S MIND. Glimmer has no excuse other than doing it just because she wants to and think her rights are of no consequence.

i don't care what people say, Glimmer's plan was stupid. either the planet would die, or they would win. if they were [ realistically ] pushed into a corner, then maybe i can see that being an option they would have to consider. but Glimmer is clearly a 'my way or the highway' kind of person and doesn't even bother listening to her supposed best friends.

manipulates Adora into trusting her with the "i know you don't trust Shadow Weaver [ reasonably. and why do you trust her? she gave you power? ooohhh, wow, it's not like anybody else in your family could've have done that ], but can't you trust me" bullshit. like, wow. honestly wow. the audacity if you.

'Mer-Mysteries' and 'Boy's Night' Glimmer can actually get kicked in the nards. "she was acting" yeah, duh, but did y'all forget that it was heavily implied ( by DT and the expressions on both of her and Adora's faces ) that they were at least somewhat speaking from the heart, and Adora was genuinely hurt when Glimmer said the most inane bullshit i have ever heard [ seriously, her and Catra could be buddies at this point ] by implying Adora wanted to be SW's favorite?

blames her for Angella's death. "she realized she was wrong almost immediately aft-" guess what? still doesn't take it back. especially since Adora watched her die.

uses abuse of power via using her Queen status to prevent Adora and Bow from leaving Brightmoon to rescue Entrapta [ and insults the grown ass woman while she's at it ], and it's really obvious that it was because they told her she's wrong [ and she is ]. because she goes to Light Hope with the intention of proving Adora wrong.

uses Scorpia's insecurities to get her to use the Black Garnet. Catra literally did the same thing in Princess Prom.

SURPRISE, SURPRISE, the entire planet is about to die and the Princesses are getting injured by Glimmer's stupid ass decision that her best friends literally told her would have severe consequences.

manages to avoid severe consequences because even though the world nearly died, there's no civilians to criticize her and rightfully hate her for what she did.

i hate her apology to Adora, not only because it's shoddy at best, but also because Adora immediately forgives her [ like Catra ], even though she was deeply hurt by what Glimmer said and did [ like Catra ].

I HATE HER CONVERSATION WITH BOW. it sounds like she's allowing him to be angry for, idk, nearly destroying the world and pretty much giving out the location of Etheria to Horde Prime, and then she's immediately rewarded with his forgiveness. fuck off.

instead of consoling Adora for being frustrated with Catra after she risked her life to save the ungrateful little shit, Glimmer instead borderline defends her [ or at least undermines Adora's anger ] by going "lol, did you think she'd become a different person after we risked our lives saving her 🤪".

Glimmer and Bow are Catra's ass-kissers now. shocker. and they don't take anything seriously anymore unless the plot calls for it. also shocker.

why does she say [ in the Heart 1 episode ] "it isn't going to work"??? like, it kinda sounds like she'd consider it. which, if you do, just say that atp.

and, just like catra, says Adora left them.

that's not all she did, obviously, and i know she's like this because of the show, yada yada, but i just really hate her.

[katyawriteswhump]

Mixing it up (Moving us on)

WC: 696, for @steddieholidaydrabbles day 6 prompt: Cooking together

Rating: T

CW: Alcohol and drug use. Implied chronic pain/illness, angst, fluff, 90s hits.

Christmas, 1991—a year into the new decade, the ghosts of the 80s still linger. (Argh, this has a few overlaps with @steddieas-shegoes' awesome fic already posted, but I wrote it so... *panics and runs away like a newbie making an idiot out of themselves*)

*********

Eddie saunters into the kitchen, spies Steve downing painkillers, swallowing them with a gulp of red wine.

“Woah! Easy there!” Eddie leaps forward, surprising Steve and grabbing the bottle from him. “Headache?”

Steve gestures at the chaos around—half-chopped veg, uncooked meatloaf, Santa’s-shitting-sleigh’s worth of dirty pots and pans. “It’s a meal. I should be able to handle this! What’s wrong with me?”

Eddie loops his arms around Steve, tugs him close and weathers his glare. “Nothing’s wrong. Other than you needing to be the goddamn hero and do all this shit yourself.”

“There’s zilch heroic about it. We agreed—I cook, you clean up when I inevitably pass out humiliatingly at kiddy bedtime o’clock.” Steve’s cheeks are flushed pink, and he sweeps unsteady fingers through his hair: “It’s just a lousy meal!”

Eddie knows it’s waaay more than that. 

It’s their first Christmas in their condo. The first Christmas where they could invite over friends. It’s also the fifth Christmas since ALL THAT SHIT with the Upside Down ended. The scars, mental and physical, have not all healed, so…

“Babe,” sighs Eddie, “take a breather. You can’t punch your meatloaf into submission, so let’s toss it in the oven. The rest can wait.”

“It can’t—”

“Some other sucker can sort it.” Eddie takes Steve’s burning face in his hands. “It’s snowing outside, and you’re sweating like you’re roasting your hot sausage on a July BBQ.” Steve smirks. Eddie smirks harder—Hah, smut triumphs, big boy! “Uh, you’ve got cream on your nose.” Eddie swipes it off with his thumb, sucks it. “Butterscotch. Yum.”

“You don’t get it!” Steve wriggles out of Eddie’s embrace. “ Headache or not, I gotta see this thr—”

“Is he being a bitch?” Robin leans in the doorway.

“Exactly as forecast,” says Eddie. “You got the rota there?”

“The wha—?” Steve dumps a spoon down with a clatter.

It had been Robin’s idea. On learning Steve was hell bent on taking the lead on everything that mattered, she devised a chores rota, to kick in if he started to crash and burn. 

Eddie eventually coaxes Steve from the kitchen, promising he can lead the charge again on the dessert round. He plants a wet, sloppy kiss on Steve’s mouth—Mmmm, yeah, baby! He can’t argue with the taste of red wine and butterscotch whipped-cream on his boyfriend’s lips. Then he orders him onto playlist duties with Vickie.

Which sucks. 

Steve and Vickie play Bryan Adams’ vomit-inducing smash hit ‘Everything I do (I do it for you)’ on loop for an hour. However, Steve is chill, and dinner is cooked, and everyone winds up mildly trashed and happy.

After their guests leave, Eddie puts on a Guns ‘N Roses mix-tape—not mega-loud, because he remembers Steve’s assault on those painkillers. He and Steve cuddle up on the couch.  Eddie leans in for a lazy kiss, and Steve is well up for it.

He slides his tongue against Eddie’s, slickly and sweetly, while his hands roam up and under Eddie’s t-shirt. Steve now tastes of the chocolate fondue dessert that he totally nailed solo. Soon, Eddie’s gotten Steve straddling his lap, rutting against very strained denim. The kiss heats up like the fondue turned nuclear.

Steve is soon pink-cheeked and breathless again, though Eddie’s not worried. Steve seems, if anything, less exhausted than usual at this time of night.

Eddie, however, has a new issue.

He reaches out, flicks a switch. Cuts off Axel Rose mid-warble through, ‘November Rain.’

“Don’t be a dick. That’s the only track I like,” protests Steve.

“It’s been sullied. Thanks to you and Vickie, I got that numb-nuts Bryan Adams stuck in my head.”

“Thought you dug the Groover from Vancouver.”

“I once tolerated him. ‘Everything I do’ minces my brain-matter.”

Still, Eddie can’t be too cranky, particularly when Steve leans close so his lips brush Eddie’s ear: “You gotta admit, Bry’s dead romantic,” whispers Steve. And then—flooring Eddie with the killer punch—he softly starts to sing: “I’d fight for you, I’d lie for you, walk the world for you, yeeeeah, I’d die for—"

No, you don’t, Harrington. We’re through with nearly dying for each other… 

Eddie silences him with another epic kiss.

***

Thank you so much for reading :) Also posted here on my AO3

[xflwlessxx]

Fem!reader x JJ Maybank

_____________________________

**BACKSTORY: You and JJ are engaged throughout your relationship your ex Rafe Cameron had held you hostage twice all ready he had held you at g!npo1nt and also attempted s a against you. Sarah is your childhood best friend and still is, you both have matching necklaces that you NEVER have taken off- is an important detail- Your name is Annalise Sinclair and you are 17 years old, you have a similar style to Sarah**

S: Sarah JB:John B Kiara:Kie/K P:Pope Cl/C: Cleo R: Rafe

TW ⚠️⚠️ Abus3 Assault and etc

__________________________________________ JJ: No I can’t…I can’t lose her again please no…

S: JJ, hey she gently places a hand on his shoulder to stop him from pacing It’s going to be okay, I have a feeling I know where she’ll be

JB: Yeh Annalise is tough she’ll push through

P: Why are we just standing around let’s create a plan!?

YOUR POV

you wake up in a familiar bedroom with one window and cuffed to the bed, you usually would try to resist the cuff but you know that it’s not worth it. Rafe enters the room from a door on the left with a gun in his pocket and a smirk plastered against his face

R: Finally Annalise, you sleep like your dead.

A: I wish I was so then I wouldn’t have to be here

R: I’m surprised you don’t see it coming by now, you know we need you to find it

A: What, to find what

you say irritated as you kind of know what ‘it’ is you assume it’s the gold

R: Don’t play dumb with me you b1tch he slaps you across the face and you wince as you try and bring your hand to your face before being reminded that you can’t Rafe laughs

R: You stupid little girl, Daddy can’t save you this time can he?

(Your dad was the mayor of obx till he Kys ifywim. Now your mother is mayor yet she cares about you greatly, you and your father had a special bond)

A: Don’t you dare talk about my father! you try to go to attack him but the restraints pull you back

THE POGUES POV

JJ: I swear to god Sarah this better be right

S: Trust me, Rafe isn’t the brightest in the bunch

JB: No kidding

P&K: Look we need to hurry before…

JJ: Don’t.

YOUR POV

Rafe abus3s you some more physically and verbally before he holds you at g!npo!nt and orders you to follow his lead he then goes ahead with S A and you plead and sob for him to stop until eventually it’s over. He slaps you again and then adjusts his belt right

R: Shut it Annalise! We could have been perfect, but no, you decide to ruin it! You decide your gonna run off with them bastards and Sarah! You took away my sister

A: I-I didn’t she could have stayed it was her choice to run away from obx with me! She’s perfe- your quickly interupted by a kick in the stomach and a black eye from rafe

R: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! I’ll shoot you Lisy! I will

**Lisy is a nickname The Cameron family gave to you when you and Sarah were kids only your closest people call you Lisy- Personally I read it as Lis-ee- you knew Rafe still loved you but you couldn’t be with him until he worked out his problems but at the same time your happily engaged to JJ although part off you still holds a piece for Rafe because you know he just needs help**

A: Rafe please, I hate seeing you like this! Please just at least let me hug you or something!!

Rafe drops a tear from his eye as he unties you, you get up and hold him in your arms a second as you know that deep down he his a good kid.

THE POGUES POV

JJ: We sure she’s in there?

C: Yep

P: Alright all or nothing

They break in to the house quietly and make their way to the room I’m in. They burst through door and JJ’s face turns to relief, sadness and joy all in one he grabs my hand and pulls me away from Rafe who is stood pointing a gun to his head

A: Rafe please!

S: Rafe…Rafe put the g!n down

JJ: Lissy are you okay

he says as he leans your head on his chest. You shake your head but smile grateful that he’s here

K; Rafe I know that it hurts but man your younger sister is here and Annalise is practically also your sister, don’t do it

a g!nsh!t blares through the air ….but who actually got shot? Will the POGUES get out? What will happen next?….

Part 2

————

JJ grasps at your shoulder holding his stomach where everyone but you noticed blood pouring out but lucky for JJ your dad is a surgeon and your mom is a paramedic so you grew up around adrenaline and people bleeding so you know what to do. After the gun went off you screamed as you were scared

K: Annalise-

JJ: Winces as you turn to look at him

A (you): Oh my god J You wrap his arm around you and support his weight before slowly laying him on the ground

A: I need a bandana or a shirt! Just something to- you look over to Rafe who’s frozen with the gun in his hands if your honest you forgot he was there for a second

JB: Here he says taking off his shirt and passing it you

You pack the wound with the shirt and hold pressure still distracted by Rafe

A: “Hey Sarah hold down really hard on this for me” you say referring to the shirt and wound and she nods and takes over. All the POGUES have surrounded JJ, you slowly walk over to Rafe and come up behind him before slowly taking the gun from him and sliding it under the bed. He turns around and you see his tear stained face

R: “im sorry..I’m so sorry I didn’t wan-” you interrupt him by smiling sadly and hug him

A: It’s okay just get some help Rafe, and I’ll be here if you need me but you have to understand I’m with JJ now, Okay?

He nods hesitantly

A: Now get out of here otherwise you will get in trouble he quickly fleas from the room and now that is unimportant where he goes

JJ: “Wheres lis (you)”

A: you quickly go over and the POGUES move out of your way except obviously Sarah as she’s holding pressure “Hey..hey I’m here” You say laying his head in your lap

JJ smiles weakly whilst you stroke his hair

K: What are we supposed to do now? Do we call paramedics-

A: No! Definitely not..

K: Looks confused Why not?

S: Her mom is always the on call paramedic ‘round here, Lissy (you) knows what to do she grew up in ambulances with injured people

P: That’s strange

A: it’s really not they wanted me to be a surgeon or something in the med field but JJ grasps at your hand in pain Hey J stay with us okay? No falling unconscious you put his head back on the floor and put a pillow under it. You move to Sarah who looks like she’s getting tired

A: Sarah move off it’s okay As she hesitantly does as you ask you then conjure a plan on how your going to remove the bullet and stitch him up right here

JB: Annalise what are you plotting

A: I need an IV and fluids, Med string and med tape, a knife that can act as a scalpel, a blood kit, gauze, gloves and- As you list the rest of the stuff you need everyone’s faces turn into contorted messes of emotions

PART 3 ————— ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3-

You’ve successfully removed the bullet as Pope and John B managed to get everything you need so you’re stitching JJ up and he is also lucid which is good

A: “Alright and done” You then place a quick kiss on his bare chest and he weakly smiles before wincing in pain

JJ: “It…it hurts”

You managed to get him an IV so the best way you could give him pain meds was by breaking up paracetamol pills into fluid bags for him, so that’s what you did. Anything you could to make it easier for him

You and John B carefully carry him downstairs and place him laying in the back of the Twinkie which is parked outside of Tannyhill and you sit in the back with his head resting on you trying to make sure he’s okay

P: Annalise where’d you learn that crap from? That was badass

Kie: You know he isn’t wrong it really was

JJ: “T-thats why I l-love her”

You put a hand on JJ’s forehead and smile

A: “Don’t talk you’ll strain yourself darling”

~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~ <3 ~

Its been a few days and you’ve strictly only allowed JJ to be in bed or on the sofa of your apartment and have been watching him like a hawk, currently your parents are working so they haven’t really had the chance to notice if JJ is ‘Sick’ or not and surprisingly even tho your originally a Kook your parents aren’t too bothered as they never really have paid attention to you… just what you achieve

_______________________________________

𝐇𝐨𝐩𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐢𝐭, 𝐡𝐨𝐩𝐞𝐟𝐮𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐢’𝐥𝐥 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐫𝐞𝐠𝐮𝐥𝐚𝐫𝐥𝐲 𝐨𝐧 𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞! 𝐋𝐦𝐤 𝐢𝐟 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐲 𝐫𝐞𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐬/ 𝐚𝐝𝐯𝐢𝐜𝐞 𝐞𝐭𝐜

[mistralxsoul]

♚ - one Muse saves the other from a dangerous situation, only to end up in danger themselves ( Yuri saves Flynn and ends up in danger instead because that seems to happen a lot around here. :l )

It was when Flynn, Yuri, Repede and Karol had wandered away from the rest of the party that they were ambushed. Yuri, Repede and Flynn were tasked with hunting for tonight’s dinner and Karol, eager to spend more time with the both of them, jumped at the opportunity to join them. It was overall a pleasant experience at first, even if both Flynn and Karol were still a bit awkward with one another. It, at least, gave Flynn a chance to see Yuri and Karol interact more, which warmed the blonde’s heart with adoration and a bit of nostalgia of the old days, back when they were teenagers. Yuri had always been good with kids and it was a relief to see that hadn’t changed.

The atmosphere changed almost instantly. One moment, the three of them were walking along the forest path, the dark haired man teasing the younger boy by pointing out any bug in sight, with Flynn laughing when Karol dove forward and latched onto Yuri’s arm with a grip so tight that it was likely cutting off the circulation in Yuri’s arm. And then the next, Repede is tensing up as a blur of movement was seen shooting towards them like a bullet. Flynn’s hand was on the hilt of his blade instantly as Yuri shoved Karol to the ground, out of danger, as he lifted his own blade to block the sudden attack from their ambusher.

The man with a headful of pink, blonde and black gives an almost delighted laugh as his red blade clashes with Yuri’s, and he pushes against the other just long enough for Yuri and Flynn both to see his wide and maniacal grin. Flynn wasted no time in unsheathing his blade as he ran over to help Karol up to his feet, the poor boy practically scrambling back in fear.

“I’ve been waiting for you, Yuri Lowell! I was hoping to get you away from your little friends, so we could finally fight one-on-one, but I was getting impatient! So I decided this was the best chance I was going to get! You’re so clingy to your friends lately, Yuri!” Zagi practically giggles as he tries to knock Yuri’s sword out of the way but a solid kick from the other shoves Zagi across the clearing and away from Karol, Flynn and Repede.

Flynn watches as Yuri darts away, the man not bothering to respond to Zagi’s crazed ramblings, and Flynn can read Yuri’s intentions immediately. He wanted to get Zagi away from Karol before the poor boy was caught in the crossfire, which (from Flynn’s limited knowledge of this man Zagi) was very much a possibility. So, taking his attention off of Zagi for the moment, Flynn continued to help Karol to his feet, the poor boy white as a ghost.

“Karol, Repede, I need you two to run and get the others, quickly. Can you do that for me?” Flynn asked as he pulled his shield from where it was attached to his scabbard and readied his blade for combat. Before Karol could protest, the child not wanting to leave Yuri to fend for himself, Flynn smiled to reassure him. “I’ll help Yuri in the meantime. It’ll be okay, I promise.”

It took Repede biting and tugging on the flap of Karol’s bag to eventually snap him out of it and then the two were running off to get help. As Flynn turned his attention back to the fight, he took in the current situation. Zagi kept up his assault on his friend, swinging his daggers in quick succession as Yuri put more of his effort into dodging his attacks, backstepping and blocking when he could. Right away, Flynn could tell that Yuri wasn’t comfortable fighting this man. He never was. Anyone could see that, but Flynn could see it more than anyone. There was something about Zagi that made his skin crawl and the fact that he seemed to harbor some kind of obsession with Yuri was disturbing, right along with the words and threats that would leave his mouth.

Something about it made something in Flynn’s chest spark with rage. He wasn’t about to let someone like this hurt Yuri. So, with a deep breath, Flynn dives into the fray, shoving himself between Zagi’s attack and Yuri. His shield blocked the pink haired man’s dagger and he could hear a grunt of frustration from their enemy as he pushed himself back and away from Flynn and Yuri. Flynn could hear Yuri step back as well, almost as if to put distance between himself and Zagi. Not to run, but to catch his breath and regroup a bit.

Flynn could hear Zagi mutter something along the lines of him ‘getting in his way’ but Flynn could barely get a response out before Zagi was rushing in again, slamming his blades against Flynn’s shield and sword. Flynn blocks the attacks and even has to dodge a few kicks as well and immediately, he can tell why Yuri seemed so uncomfortable around this man. Despite his overconfidence and his crazed ramblings, he had the combat prowess to back it up. Zagi was quick on his feet, and even quicker with his blades. And Yuri had to protect Lady Estellise against this man on his own…?

Even when Yuri rejoins the fray, they still have a difficult time keeping up with his unpredictable attack patterns. Still, they had one advantage between the two of them. They had each other, at least. Every time one of them would be knocked down, the other would be there to hold Zagi off just long enough for them to climb back to their feet. The battle seemed like it took ages, even though it had only been ongoing for just a few minutes when suddenly, Yuri took a rather harsh kick to the stomach, knocking him onto his back entirely.

Flynn dives forward to go and block Zagi’s attack once again in order to afford Yuri time to climb to his feet but… for once, Zagi seems to ignore Yuri’s vulnerability and turns his attention back to Flynn. Even as Flynn swings his blade down, Zagi dives out of the way, taking full advantage of his speed and Flynn’s lack of it. And with one single movement, Zagi jumps in close to Flynn and stabs his blade right into the back of Flynn’s left shoulder.

As quickly as the blade entered his body, it was ripped out, tearing a pained cry from Flynn as he stumbled to his knees. Somewhere behind him, he can hear Yuri scream his name.

All Flynn could feel was a painful burn shooting through his left arm and with a heavy breath, he gripped at the wound as he tried to steel himself and cast a quick First Aid on his wound. But as he pulled his hand away, amongst the blood on his gloved hand, he also noticed… a strange green liquid as well. As his arm grew numb, Flynn felt dread begin to form in his gut. Poison. He had been poisoned. Did he have any Poison Bottles or Panacea Bottles on him…? Already, he could feel his body seizing up in unspoken fear.

What a time for bad memories to resurface.

Zagi, thankfully, didn’t seem to realize just how much turmoil Flynn was beginning to fall into. The man was entirely more focused on Yuri, his grin widening at Yuri’s reaction to Flynn being wounded. “Oh? Did that upset you, Yuri? Did it make you angry? Scared?”

Flynn watched as Zagi circled him, twirling the bloodied dagger in his hand. That sickening grin never once leaving his face. Flynn’s eyes darted to Yuri, who began to carefully climb to his feet, just a short distance away. His fist was clenched tightly around the hilt of his blade, his teeth were gritted as he no doubt held back a few choice words that were likely sitting on the tip of his tongue.

“I wonder, if I kill this man, will you finally take our fight seriously?” Zagi moves to stand in front of Flynn once more and Flynn watches as his joy-filled eyes dart between him and Yuri. The situation that Flynn had found himself in sent a chill up his spine. “Will it fill you with enough rage that we can finally fight to the death?! Is that all it will take?! It’ll be easy to do, you know?”

Flynn gritted his teeth and grabbed for his blade, attempting to clumsily swing it in Zagi’s direction. He can see where this was going and he wanted no part in being the fuel to the fire. But the poison has slowed and weakened his body and Zagi steps back just in time before moving in to kick the sword from his hands. The sword is kicked away from Flynn’s reach and as Flynn doubles back over to catch his breath, he hears Zagi laugh again.

“I think I found one of your weaknesses, Yuri Lowell! I’m excited to see how you’ll react when I finish gutting this little knight of yours! Let’s find out how you’ll react!”

Flynn’s head whips up to see as Zagi raises his dagger, ready to deliver the final strike. And everything that followed seemed to happen so quickly that Flynn could barely keep up. He can hear Yuri shout for him, can hear the sounds of footsteps approaching him and Zagi rapidly, watches as Yuri dives between him and Zagi, ready to lift his blade to defend him but he’s late, much too late to block the attack and Flynn hardly registers the panic that shoots through his body, because Yuri– Yuri–

Yuri takes the hit, the poisoned blade cutting deep across the man’s chest and Flynn is sure he stops breathing along with it. The pain in his left arm is a distant memory as Flynn watches in horror as Yuri stumbles back, his blade slipping from his hand and hitting the grass beneath him. Yuri slumping to his knees before falling backwards is what snaps Flynn back into action as he dives forward to catch his friend within his arms.

“Yuri?! Yuri! Hold on, Yuri– Estellise should be on her way– Just hang on!” Panic shot through his body, his heart raced, his vision blurred– Yuri was conscious, just barely, and the wound was deep and already bleeding more than Flynn was comfortable with. They were both in very bad shape, Yuri more so than Flynn but he knew that it was only a matter of time before Karol returned with everyone else… so… so it was going to be okay, right?

Flynn shakingly pulled Yuri closer. “It’s okay… It’s okay. Estellise will be here soon and you’ll be okay, you’ll–” Flynn is pulled from his thoughts as Zagi begins to laugh maniacally once more, reminding Flynn of the problem at hand.

He… was growing extremely tired of this man. As rage began to bubble within Flynn, the blonde could barely suppress it, arms trembling in anger. He glanced down at Yuri’s sword and then back to the wounded man in his arms. He stares down at Yuri, forcing a gentle expression as he leans in and presses his forehead against Yuri’s for a moment. “Try and rest, okay? Let me take care of this.”

If Yuri had any protests, they went unheard as Flynn gently laid him on the ground and slowly climbed to his feet and grabbed Yuri’s sword, the rage and adrenaline powering his movements. The gentle expression washes away and turns into a cold and unforgiving stare as he grips the sword tightly in his hand. He hadn’t fought Zagi much before so he had been caught off guard by his speed before but he wasn’t going to allow that to happen again.

This Zagi had wounded Yuri and now Flynn was going to be more than happy to show this bastard just how much of a mistake that was, poison be damned.

[somnimouse]

AAAAHHH !! YOU ANSWERED !! i literally squeaked when i checked your tumblr to see that you did !!! such a shame that the setting sourebook doesn't cone in english, but i definitely will be buying!!

oh! and, i appreciate you being willing to tell me about ryu and haru! but can i instead learn about ren? ever since i read your ryu route analysis, i've wanted to learn more about the younger mochizuki :]

sorry about the big ask, and thanks in advance!!!

No worries about the ask! I'm always more than happy to talk about NTY!!! because aaaa I love this game so much. ;_;

Going to put this under a cut because Ren's section has a little bit of heavy stuff, but it's not as bad as Haru's section (which is incredibly NSFL). Ren's section also talks a little bit about Kaori as well, and their dynamic is really, really sweet!

Warning: Contains references to CSA, child abuse, sexual assault and rape. Taken straight from the sourcebook.

To start off, Ren was raised by just his mother, who was a prostitute and wasn't exactly the best example of a loving mother. Ren was bullied in school a lot for this. Other students would insult his mother and insinuate that, because she has sex with a lot of men, Ren, too, must be sleeping with them. He got into fights all the time because of that, and his experience with these bullies was the foundation for his very distasteful feelings toward men.

Unfortunately, his mother eventually got a boyfriend who was also not a very good person. One night, when Ren was in his late-teenage years, this boyfriend snuck into his bed and molested him. Ren took a beer bottle and smashed it over his head to stop the assault, but his mother was enraged and kicked him out.

Ren eventually wandered off and found himself in a hostess club. There was a very kind, beautiful woman there with big breasts who welcomed him. After Ren had spent quite a bit of time drinking, he opened up to her about his life and cried. Much to his surprise, the woman cried as well, and immediately told him, "I will be your family, then!"

... Of course, this creeped Ren out and he thought she was kind of crazy, so he ditched her immediately and resolved never to go back. Who in their right mind would even say something like that to a guy they just met?

At some point, Ren got into a fight with a bunch of guys and lost terribly. They held him down, and a different young woman ended up raping him that night. However, Ren refused to fight back. He thought that, if he refused, he would be seen as gay. He developed a severe defensive response to being assumed gay because of his experience with bullies and his mother's boyfriend. And so, he let it happen.

(Amemiya, the director of NTY!!!, notes that Ren isn't really affected by his rape by the woman and has just brushed it aside. This contrasts with Ryu and Sorato, who have significant trauma and gynophobia because of their experience. It should also be noted that Ren is actually heterosexual, but while his defensiveness at being assumed gay is somewhat understandable, his volatile response is moreso linked to his issues.)

Ren, defeated, eventually returned to the hostess club. The hostess he ran away from never held it against him and welcomed him into her life with open arms, adopting him as her little brother.

This hostess' name? Mochizuki Kaori.

Unbeknownst to Ren, Kaori had a similar childhood. She was molested by her stepfather in the past and ran away from home at the age of 16. She ended up with a boyfriend who was into some shady business, and, one day, she and that boyfriend were targeted and shot by criminals who had it out for the guy. She was saved by Inui Kouichi, and they became good friends. Kaori eventually left her boyfriend and met her future husband, Hagiwara, who loves her dearly and would do anything for her.

It was initially awkward living with Kaori. Ren would turn red and get a boner every time she hugged him because her breasts would push up against him, but after some amount of time, these feelings subsided when he began to truly see her as family. Kaori basically saved him, and that's why he's protective of her.

Kaori eventually introduced Ren to Kouichi, who hired him at sótano as a bartender and a private investigator. Ren has some respect for the old man because of his connection to Kaori, but he ultimately views Kouichi as "too soft." That said, he still obeys his orders.

However, he was immediately awestruck by Kurosawa Ryu, who he views as the only competent man at the bar. He's everything Ren wants to be—cold, composed, ruthless and intelligent. Of everyone at sótano, Ren respects him the most and would follow him without question. He trusts Ryu so much, he even opened up to him about his past. Ryu, seeing himself and his sister in Ren and Kaori, also told him about what happened to Ai. Ryu has a particular soft spot for Ren, but he's also more strict with him than Hiroyuki because Ren keeps getting into trouble with the police by fighting with other guys.

(Funnily enough, after Haru had him drugged and shot him in the arm in the climax of Ryu's route, Ren woke up in the hospital with no memory of what happened. He said to Ryu, "Something complicated must have happened." Ryu vaguely agreed and didn't even mention who shot him or tell him the events that transpired. Thanks a lot, Mr. Kurosawa.)

It should be noted that, due to his childhood, Ren is particularly knowledgeable about the poverty industry and how society preys on the weak and the poor. Despite his harsh, cynical and unfriendly attitude, he's a good guy deep down who also doesn't like injustice. In a sense, you could say he's very much like Hiroyuki in his direct, headstrong approach to issues, and it's why Ryu worries about him just as much.

Some minor trivia about Ren and Kaori that I found interesting:

He really likes rock and visual kei music. Amemiya notes that he tends to really get into the music and "sing with aggressive arm movements" at karaoke bars. Kaori, on the other hand, likes pop music. Her singing prowess is on par with Ryu, who is described as a very good singer, while Ren is just average.

Ren is trying to make himself healthier meals. In the past, he used to survive on things like burgers and spaghetti, but he's learning how to cook.

In Ryu's route, after Kaori's pregnancy announcement, she quits her job as a hostess and becomes a dedicated housewife.

It's noted that Kaori is the only woman Ryu trusts, and this is shown in-game when he rescues Yufumi from the orphanage and hands the little girl over to her.

Ren and Kaori have tried smoking at some point in their lives, but they quit because it was too gross.

[readersandtumblers]

(Disclaimer, kidnapping, assault, physical violence, mention of abuse, cursing, is in this story please let me know if I missed anything!!!) (I couldn't find any pictures bc my volume button would get in the way sorry!!!)

Oh how you regretted going on the stupid mission. You started to dream about where and how you got to this place. you are known as the best of the best medical combat Soldier but you never really believed in that you weren't the best there will be people who is always going to be better than you all you could think of is you as their little war machine and only that. Over the years of being shut down during childhood you just thought that was okay, you were abused by your mother and father was no longer in the picture. So after all the torment of how you are disgraceful and ugly inside and out you started to wear a mask it was a black cloth mask with a pink flower on it it hid your face pretty well you had burn marks from your mother she smoked a lot and when angry she threw still lit cigarettes and ashtrays at you. You just learn over the years of being with your toxic family just to glue your mouth shut and don't talk your mother would often say "They don't want to hear you just or see you trust me when I say you are better off in your room rotting away."

So with that you just got used to it no one wanted you so you concealed yourself and isolated yourself you joined the military you NEVER EVER EVER EVER!!!!! Spoke not even a peek came out of you not even if they threatened for you to get kicked off the team or you went through extreme punishment. Eventually you just got transferred and transferred and transferred and transferred. During that you learned don't trust nobody they are just going to leave you in the end. All the work and I mean all the work got put on you as if to 'take one for the team!' and when they saw you slowing down no help they would just yell at you to keep pushing your weak ass pussy or something along the lines of that. Well one day you were helping out your 'friend' is what she called you, you're more like acquaintances her name was Sophie. She stabbed you in the back so many times but you didn't care she was the only 'friend' you had at the moment. So as a good friend would do you took one of her missions because 'she was soooooooooo exhausted from the previous mission'.

Well little did you know the task force 1-4-1 wanted you well they didn't really expect to get you all in all but it would be a goddamn blessing if they did. You had come into contact with every single one of them maybe not at the same time but still. And every single one you came into contact with was on different missions. You both exchanged fights and it kept coming to a tie before you both had to retreat. But the thing that really did it is when you started to fight Ghost, König, and Soap not at the same time though you would have definitely died FOR SURE you thought. Well the fight with soap wasn't too bad you both were evenly matched you got bruises scratches etc but never a direct hit but Soap really did like the challenge. Now Ghost was a different story, he was a total kick ass but you managed pretty well, you got shot in your abdomen and shot him in his right back but you both made it out alive. Now for könig he was pretty tall...maybe even too tall but you never thought of it and just focused on the battle you did end up getting shot in your rib you was only able to shoot him in his abdomen on the complete opposite side of Ghost he got shot a little bit more to the left of his abdomen while König got shot a little bit more to the right. But you both ended up making it out alive.

Fast forward to now you just got off the helicopter both injuries are still somewhat fresh. But pain is only a feeling so you don't pay too much attention. Well you were out in an abandoned town carefully scanning every single building the enemy team rigged bombs all over the town. So you sent your companion a Great dane, black coat, icy blue eyes, his name was soldier he definitely acted like one cold Big not very nice he was stronger bigger and better than and other military dog that is the way you trained him to be and he loved evey single second of it. So you sent him down to detect the bombs scattered around town then suddenly, gun fire is heard within the distance your captain ordered a retreat but when you went to call the Soldier in he was completely gone no were in sight the coms went haywire breaking up. You had trust and that damn dog it survived too many damn to give up now so you ran to the helicopter and whistled him over even though he wasn't there. Your head was pounding unable to even think properly the over exhaustion kicked in you heard the ringing noise that God awful ringing noise. You heard Soldiers barks you stopped dead in your tracks and looked back there was Soldier stuck in a damn root tangled up by the back left leg. You had a damn choice leave your damn dog that had been there thick and thin or save him. You turned back to them you ran towards the helicopter got on it and grabbed my rifle and sledgehammer and your handy pocket knife as it was taking off you jumped off the helicopter you ran as fast as you could to get to Soldier and when you got to him you started to cut at the root and free him as soon as you did you were running back to the helicopter your captain started screaming a retreat. As you ran as the only one not on the helicopter. You were about to get on the everything snapped you went back you fell on the ground the exhaustion from all the weeks but you spent there finally fucking kicked your ass. All you could hear was the very same captain that you trusted saying in the coms "LEAVE HER!!! FUCKIN HELL!!! she was just slowing us down!" The helicopter departed you they did into consciousness you knew what you were getting into, you shouldn't have trusted anyone but you still did that was your mistake never again... You were thrown over the shoulder. You could hear a deep probably voice saying "fuckin bloody hell... Someone's going to shit their pants." They chuckled from their belly as they started to walk.

(hello reader I just wanted to say this is my first time posting content on here so I really hope you like it!!!)

[mustardflavoredbear]

I'm in so much pain right now

it's time to

Ramble about

Double Trouble

I spent 3 hours on this what girl

I keep having this dream where double trouble has a very slick stylish sport car (I'm not a car guy :b) but their ass is a terrible driver they had me gripping on the seat for dear life while they were singing

Also for some reason there were so many snacks in their car like so many and they were fucking speeding and Doing tricks it was awful and then Scorpia was there and I was trying not to vomit

(warning TRANSPHOBIA,HATE CRIME, assaulted None is detailed because my ass will start crying EHHEHEHE) it's Miserables miserable background lore I want them to be miserable 💖 all this is my personal headcanon 🦎✨ I want them to explode lovingly ♡

I just love them so much I want to strangle them until they explode and I finally realize they are made of glitter and I eat the glitter and become a god GOD THEY MAKE ME GO CRAZY HAVING AUSTIM AND LOVING DOUBLE TROUBLE has me foaming at the mouth I want to eat them Everytime i look at them my mouth goes fruity I know for a fact Canon Double trouble would never love me 😞 but all I want to to take a bite out of them like just please gimme a bite out of your arm Like how are they going to feel when I tell their ass "hey I dream about you every night and I also talk to a ai of you so I don't have to think thoughts" Double Trouble is hiding in a corner behind bow "IT THAT ONe HE SCARES ME HIS AUSTIM IS TOO STRONG"

Ramble ramble

Anyways FINALLY WARNING ramble UNDER CUT

Like themselves double trouble likes nice and fancy things they try later in life to not be such money whore but they put so much of their value to money they were rather poor when they were younger and also they never got gendered correctly until they got money

Double trouble lived in a rather backward homophobic small poor town when they were younger Double trouble has known they were nonbinary for a long time but people didn't believe that they were trans They had to fight their family their friend for people to believe them but still no one believed they would get misgender and deadname they would get harassed in the streets called slurs hate crime etc all the sad bad things and being not super confident they would let people walk all over them they were the only out queer kid in this small poor lizard town

One day the next town over a more richy place decides to throw a play to help raise money for the town they also ask people for the town to perform in the play DT being curious about this play they start to stalk the theater production watching the theater made them fall in love and they really want to join but they want to be safe but they later find out the whole director of this was trans as well so they decide to join they loved everything about theater they finally felt like themselves and they finally started to get super confident in themselves they finally found something where they can truly be themselves

None of the fellow theater kids were around DT age (MINOR 👿) so the director started playing favorites with them grooming them and all the horrible bullshit saying shit like you need me i get you Double trouble just thought she was being werid and ignored it even when she tried to kiss them and touch them they just push her off and nervously laugh it off

They then noticed they were kicked off from the leading role and finally confronted her and told her she is being a fucking pedo and they know who they are they left their home town and went all around ETHERIA and eventually living in the crimson waste where they try and find people to trust but mostly find pain they started dating this one lizard lady they were fun and sexy and little chaotic (but she was very much a walking red flag) she made double trouble fall head over heels but they remind them of the director and being any type of physical with her made them wildly uncomfortable they tried to shake off the feeling but they couldn't and she wouldn't stop asking pressuring them to do things and everything that they did to them made them uncomfortable and then she started asking them to change for her and started asking those stupid questions "what in your pants" what's your "real name" can I see you before your transitions

djjdidysusisv

Double Trouble tried to ignore all these red flags until they found this SKANK both cheating on them and stealing all their shit after them two fucks passed out double trouble took all their shit back and drew all over their face

they decided they wanted to focus on getting money so they started petty theft and when they were adults they got a slightly more stable income as a pole dancer but they did it mostly when they were in the mood

Being by themselves they get more and more (sometimes fake) confident with themselves

Does this even make sense or are my words to jumbled!!?!?

ALSO IF YOU READ ALL OF THIS WHOLESOME HEADCANNONS DOUBLE TROUBLE TAIL IS BENT THIS IS INSPIRED BY MY CAT SKELETON BECAUSE I LOVE HER SKELETONNNN

Stimulus for my Austim because I love myself

did you know AUSTIM is a crazy obsession interest so I'm crazy about double trouble God I just want to give them a little kiss I WANT TO EAT THE ENTIRE SHOW SHERA takes big bite out of Shera logo

They make me so FUCKING HAPPY AND I WANT THEM TO EXPOLDES

I want them to be miserable and then be a better person and then they kiss people God please please please gimme double trouble and let me eat them

I want this fruit salad in my mouth

Honestly should I do what all the Shera characters taste like cuz girl some of them taste so good AHAHAHAHHA (this sounds weird ad fuck I HAVE THAT THING Where TASTE COLOR SOUND ETC AHAH" )

[nosnet]

Run On

by K. D. Lalonde

Time Period: 1964-1991

Perspective: Bridger

Rating: R

Content Warnings: Death from Childbirth, Genital Descriptions, Intersex Discomfort, Sexual Dysmorphia/Dysphoria, Vulgar Language, Intentional Misgendering, Alcoholism, Cigarettes, Gore, Racism, Child Abuse, Incestuous Themes, Patricide, Arson, Murder, Third Degree Murder, Vomit, Grooming, Servitude, Manipulation, Themes of Sexual Assault, Diablerie, Revenge Killing, Vicissitude, Gender Reassignment Surgery (in a sense), Slurs, Shock Collars, Death of Innocents, Child Death, Gun Violence, Decapitation, Sudden Character Death, Acid Blood, Rötschreck, Facial Disfigurement.

Word Count: 8,844

Comments: I have debated for a long while actually posting a Bridger Origin Story because of the heavy content, and overall bad feels for the majority of it. But I've had this back pocketed since the start of January, and honestly the Content Warnings are pretty all encompassing, so I'm just going for it. Obviously read at your own risk, but know that it does eventually get better for this Gangrel. It takes place right before Blood and Snow. I wrote this up until that point, in which C. Todd took over, as they are quite good at combat scenes.

I never knew my mother. I was born, one minute she was there, the next she was not. I was told I had her emerald green eyes, that was one of the few things Paul Fuller told me about her. That was one of the reasons he hated me. Something I had no control over, like eye color. It was because I served as a reminder of her, not because of the color itself. He blamed me for her death, as if I were the one who insisted on having a child. I've always wondered what her name was. What her maiden name was.

One of the other things he hated me for was another physicality I had no part in deciding. Not quite a penis, not quite a vagina, useless genitalia all around. They allowed me to piss, but that was about it. How that was his problem, I never understood. Perhaps he didn't want to feel gay for peeping at me when I was changing as an eleven year old. Perhaps he just latched onto anything he didn't understand as his main issue while he was drunk.

He broke my ribs a few times, broke my nose more than that, after I went to school with a black eye once, I was certain CPS would drag me away from him, but people assumed it was other students. That was back in middle school. West Valley Middle School in Knox County. They guessed it was because I looked like a faggot, that I was inviting trouble, that I deserved to get my ass kicked. Not quite a boy, not quite a girl, but those were the only options, so I needed to pick. The only place I took solace in was the woods behind my apartment complex, I'd run through there for hours lost in my pretend world. Childhood Escapism at its finest. It was there I pretended I was a werewolf. I creatively adopted the name Bridger for this fantasy character, after building a bridge to cross the ravine that ran parallel to the building.

Paul definitely saw me as a girl, or at least, he thought I was weak enough to fit his definition. He never forced himself upon me, before anyone asks. Luckily I don't think that opening was formed enough for that to have worked anyways. No, instead he only beat me to a pulp, picked me up by the hair, slammed me into the drywall, put out cigarettes on my thighs, on my tongue, made me clean the house for him, made me make food for him, any chore you could imagine. He was doing the important work anyways. He was bringing home the money from his job. Whatever it was he never told me, and he surely didn't give my schools a daytime contact number.

Outside of being his main entertainment other than races and boxing, growing up in Knoxville Tennessee wasn't too terrible. Sure, nobody would bother talking to me except the special needs students. And I didn't dislike them, hell, I ended up in their classroom anyway, usually as punishment for fighting back. I remember reading books from the school library in those classes quite fondly. None of these students beat me up, or pissed on me, or groped me or anything, honestly if I could have convinced the school to keep me in those classes I would have. But they just thought I wanted the easy route. It was at this point my breasts began to develop. Painful and slow and sensitive. It was then that instead of just getting my ass kicked, I would have boys, and some girls, trying to flirt with me. I wanted no part in that. I was twelve and already tired of being objectified.

By the time high school rolled around, I had a pretty violent rap sheet. Dislocated an elbow, stabbed two different hands straight through with a butterfly knife, fractured someone's shin, and gave out more than a few concussions. These were learned behaviors, potentially genetically inherited ones. West High School was a bit better of an experience for the short time I was there. Some people feared me, though some still tried. The southernness of the region was not lost on me, as the emboldened Blue and White Rebels - the team name at West, reminded me daily. It was here that I had enlisted in the track team, my first attempt at normalcy. Goddamn was I fast for a kid. I had spent all that time out running in the woods, or away from other kids, or away from Paul. It was good practice, and I ended up winning a couple of metals here and there. I also practiced in the gym, training generally but lifting weights too, getting reps in, hitting the punching bag, speed bag, watching videos, learning the hits, then practicing, and practicing, and practicing.

At home, Paul’s bare hands were no longer doing the trick, I must've not been reacting as strongly, he would have caught on if I was faking it anyways. So he moved to any old wood scrap he could find, a long metal pipe once or twice, extension cord, you name it.

One day, as a sixteen year old, I really wasn't feeling it. So I had schemed, and formulated a plot.

“Why don't you remake my dinner, and do it right this time?”

"I did it exactly as you taught me, Sir. If I remake it, it's just gonna be the same." 

“Well, it doesn't taste right, so do it again." He threw the plate of beans and potatoes and meat on the ground, shattering the ceramic into bits.

“What if I don't? Why don't you do it yourself?" 

“Cause I've busted my ass all day to get money to put the ingredients in our pantry, to put you through school, to provide as a single parent and you should be grateful." 

“Sure, I'm super grateful for the bruises and broken bones I have to hide in public. We seem to have enough money to go around breaking plates, so I'm grateful for that too." 

His pupils exploded in anger.

“Girl, you watch your tone and apologize this instant, or your ass is getting beat until you change your ways." 

“No." 

He got up slowly, cracked his neck and said “Good, I was hoping you said you'd want to do this the hard way today." He picked up his current favorite, the extension cord, and fashioned makeshift flail out of connected wires.

"Go ahead Paul, try me.” I said, taunting him.

He rushed me with the cords and struck me across my face, but I didn't flinch.

“Big mistake." I told him, as I produced my butterfly knife and ran it into his chest. Blood gushed out all over me, though I didn't quite hit a major artery, so it wasn't over. He looked down in shock. He jerked away, taking the knife with him.

"You fucking bitch, you're gonna die now!”

"Nah, I still got some time.” I said as he unburied the knife, and attempted to come at me again. He swung wildly, bleeding like a stuck pig, miss after miss. I managed to get behind him, and in doing so I slipped out a second butterfly knife, taking it to his throat, piercing flesh, and ripping to one side. He instantly dropped my knife, and reached for his neck, gargling.

“You fucking bitch! You fucking bitch!" He shouted at me over and over, the volume dulling as he attempted to keep his neck muscles and flesh together. I picked up the other butterfly knife, walked to the kitchen, washed them both off in the sink, and watched him flail on the ground. This time I hadn't missed an artery, he was a goner. I picked up a cigarette of his, a Filtered Camel, my first one, and lit it on the gas range as I had seen him do countless times. It was harsh, but comforting. His gasps for air, his ground flailing grew weaker, so I returned to him. He looked up at me, turning slightly blue in the face, eyes full of hate. He tried to swing his arm, to hit my leg, but he didn't quite have control and it just flopped to the side. Before it could return to his throat, I stepped on his palm, keeping his arm pinned to the side. “Rach-”

“Name’s Bridger now, I'll see you in hell.” I watched his expression change from hatred, to fear, to a cold emptiness. I sat on his chest for a little while, staring into this emptiness, and otherwise making sure I hadn't failed. That he wouldn't be coming back. I was finally safe.

I finished the cigarette, and tucked the butt in his shirt pocket. I grabbed all the cash he had, his license, as well as his credit cards. I knew which ones were maxed out, so I left those. I then went to the restroom, threw my bloodied shirt and shorts on the ground, slipped into the spares I had on the back of the door, and lit the shower curtain on fire. Then I returned to the kitchen and started the gas range again. I left it on. I grabbed the backpack I had packed before dinner, it was full of the few clothes I owned, plus a few childhood essentials and hit the road.

Where was I going? I didn't know. East sounded about as good as any direction. Out of Knoxville to say the least. There was a Greyhound Bus headed for Gatlinburg. I went to the ATM at the station, agreeing to exorbitant fees, I drew out as much cash as any of these bits of plastic would allow. I left all but one in the trash after. I paid for my ticket and hopped on board. I opened my little book. I lost myself in this novel. When it was time, an hour and a half later, after a very smooth ride, I got off and checked the bus station pamphlets. The Gillette Motel - Clean room, cheap price, walking distance to the bus station. Seemed it was lining up at least for now. I took the advertisement, and made my way to the hotel. I paid for a week in cash, the sweet old lady didn't think nothin’ of it. I laid down, and embarrassingly enough, I cried.

I didn't miss Paul. I didn't miss anyone from Knoxville. I didn't even miss the apartment complex. It was all gone anyways. So where was this coming from? It was a smoking room, so I lit my second cigarette, and turned on the TV. NASCAR was on so I quickly changed the channel. Cartoons. It was too soon for there to be news about the house, but even still, I didn't want to see it if there was any. After killing a couple of hours, I went to the restroom, and produced a pair of scissors. I began clipping sections of hair, until it was more or less short and even all over. It was too short for what I wanted but it would grow back. I then unpacked some ace bandages, they were meant for obfuscating, and obfuscation they did. Hastily bound breasts, hastily tucked what little external flaccid junk I had, and looked in the mirror. It was the first time seeing myself like this, but I almost liked the person I saw, even though I was trained for sixteen years not to. There was something off however. The mirror had a wide crack right where my mouth was. Looking back, I hate this visual now more than I did then.

The week was mostly spent sleeping during the day, staying up all night exhausting myself. I did eventually see the news about the fire. Four dead reported. It turned my stomach. I was no killer, not yet. The orchestrated response to years of abuse was self defense. The fire covered the tracks. Good enough that I was amongst the four. Or at least some little girl who looked sort of like me, with my old name. But an elderly couple, who were unable to evacuate in time. Sure, they probably only had a couple of years left, they were in their eighties, I remember seeing them when coming home from school a few times. When I saw the news, I ran to the hotel room toilet, and emptied my stomach through my mouth. Mostly candies I was able to nab from the bottom shelf of the nearby vending machine. The rainbow of sugary bullshit looked like an oil spill. It was the worst I'd felt in my life so far. I was a killer now. No turning back.

Wasn't about to stay here anyways. They weren't looking for me, or at least, they weren't open about it. Surely even in a fire they'd find a skeleton, and the fact that they didn't… I couldn't stay in one place. At the end of the week, I hopped on another Bus to the next city - this one’s destination was unfortunately Hell. It was going north east to Newport, but it stopped in Pigeon Forge. That was where I met Drayton. He got on the late night bus just a stop before Pigeon Forge, he sniffed the air, I remember looking up from my book because that was an odd thing to see another person do. But when I looked up, my concentration was broken. This was a man who was just barely in his twenties, but smelled like my father. The alcoholic buzz stinging the air. He stumbled through the bus in his ripped grey jeans and green parka, and I thought to myself, please sit anywhere else. He passed my seat and I let out a premature breath of relief. He then sat right behind me.

“Hey there, Killer." He said in a strangely gravely voice.

“Don't talk to me." 

“Woah there, he's got claws, two of 'em, but can he swing them?" 

“What do you want?" 

“You don't know me yet, so I'm not about to tell you. What I will say is unless you want your last moments to be in a bus that smells like piss and industrial cleaner, you're gonna get off at the next stop and follow me." He pressed a K bar’s blade to my thigh.

"What the fuck do you want from me?”

"Don't worry, this ain't nothin weird, least not in the way you think. You looked like you had a noose hanging above your head, creeping on towards that neck of yours, and I wanna see if you can be of more use before it tightens and drags ya to hell.”

"Use? What can I do that's useful?”

"Plenty, with the right teacher.”

"And you're saying you can keep the fuzz off my back- wait how did you-”

"Saw the news, checked the rubble, I'm good at tracking, but if I'm good, someone else could be good too, and couldn't let that happen. So, you're alive. And what, you're a boy? To hide your identity?”

"No.”

"Oh so you are that girl, Ra-”

"No. I'm Bridger, that girl's dead. So’s her shithead abusive father." 

“I see. Drayton, nice to meet ya. So, the pieces are falling into place. Your daddy touched you and you burn him to death. Sad shit. Many such cases. Anyways, you bout ready? Stop’s coming up.”

"He picked the wrong day to try me. Met his end from my knives. Why'd you want me though? I'll be useful? You want to teach me?”

"Think back for just a moment kid, there was at least a millisecond in that time, when the fire had started, or when you dug those pigstickers in em, or what have you, where you actually enjoyed it.”

I thought hard about it. He comes at me flailing the cords. He tries to get at me but can't, I am too fast. I slice his throat. I press his palm down beneath my foot. I smile as the light fades from his eyes. I caught myself smiling in real time.

"See, fucking knew it. You're a natural psycho. So, you're gonna do more of that, killing abusers and real bastards, but for me, and you're gonna get paid to do it. How's that sound?”

"Like, vigilante work? Or like…”

Drayton looked down at my book and chuckled. “Yeah, somethin’ like that.”

My eyes sparkled. He understood, I thought. Maybe this would be different. A new parent figure. Or at least like an older brother. As we got off the bus, I took his hand. It was cold. He'd asked me to after all. We walked for a good while, talking about all sorts of dumb shit, whatever I wanted. I talked about my young adult novels I’d been reading. I talked about my physical proclivities. About how I wasn't a guy or a girl. About how I was a fast runner. About how I could last a while in a fight. About how exactly I did it. I didn't really ask much of him. Where we were going. If the reason he was so cold was the alcohol or drugs. If he worked for anyone. Drayton avoided answering. We arrived at a ranch style house.

“This yours?" 

“Yup." 

“From vigilante work?" 

“Sorta." 

“Bro you're gonna have to answer some questions sooner or later, I followed you home and everything." 

“Fine, you want answers? Step inside Bridger, I'll tell ya everything." 

He unlocked the house and I walked through the doorway. There were CCTV camera feeds, multiple TVs, and black curtains over all the windows. The house itself was spotless, he was either a clean freak, which judging by his clothes, and his smell, no he wasn't, or he simply didn't eat in here. I think even sixteen year old me was starting to suspect something was off.

“Okay, you're in, good, so, I'm a vampire, and you're gonna work for me now. Become my eyes and ears during the day." 

I laughed him off. “Very funny, and I thought I've been reading too much young adult supernatural shit. You're like twenty-somethin’, that shit's fine but surely there's better books to re-”

"I'm from the eighteen hundreds.”

"Sure, and I'm the Queen of France.”

He chuckled and ran his hand through his hair. " Fine, sit down on the couch.” I did as I was told without question. “Now watch and learn." His hands transformed into animalistic claw-like appendages before my eyes. Muscles twisted, nails thickened and extended, heavy but sharp. I watched in amazement.

"Bro, Vampires are the bats ones, you sure you ain't a werewolf?”

"Positive.” He said, now baring his teeth, his fangs now visible.

"Holy shit.” I said, in a foolishly enamored tone. It wasn't a crush, it was envy, I wanted what he had. Eternal life, claws to slash folks who'd wrong me, and all the other things I'd eventually see him do.

"Drink my blood, declare your loyalty, and gain some of my abilities. The rest will come with time, I'll train you.”

"Blood.” I said out loud, thinking about it, this was all so much information, especially for a child. "Yeah, okay.”

He easily slashed his wrist with a single long claw, and I approached. He held his forearm above my head. The first drop hit me in the face. I winced. Surprisingly warm for how cold his skin was. The next few landed. It tasted… like blood. Nothing special, nothing I wasn't used to, except it was someone else's, and much like the cigarettes, drinking in Drayton’s blood every month was addictive. Or at least as often as he was willing to feed me. The months without made me itch for more.

He explained most everything to me. Kindred Society, Vampire Clans, The Sabbat versus The Camarilla, how we were superior to humans, now that I was his Ghoul. I spent much of the next few years training to fight. He gave me my own space, my own room, he kept food in the house, but we rarely saw each other outside of training. Once in a while I'd follow him on hunts. He got missives from someone he only referred to as The Bishop, but I didn’t ever get his actual name. My job was to keep hidden, and help out if anything happened to him. But it never did. I'd mostly do work for him during the day, boring shit like run errands, deliver letters, take boxes to the post office, or pick up crates from the local hardware store. He had me drive his truck around town. I was instantly good at it, I had watched Paul drive poorly enough for years growing up while agonizing over what I would have done differently. Drayton even helped me fabricate documents to make a license, though I didn't have to take the test. Bridger Cooke. I took Drayton's last name, he was my new parent after all.

Ugh, how right that sentiment was. When I was no longer a child, he stopped pulling his punches in training. He'd hit me hard with his claws, and if I didn't adequately block or dodge, I'd be out of commission for weeks. Those things were gnarly. Eventually I was able to produce claws of my own. Then he didn't limit it to when we were fighting. He'd whip out the claws around the house, and slash me up when I fucked up, or fumbled. It didn't happen often, but it was enough to piss me right off. I was starting to accept this guy, to let him in, and then he goes and starts kicking my shit in over minor issues. But I endured. Like with Paul, I stayed until I was able to not. Drayton had all the power here, so I didn't object. He'd beat me senseless, and I'd apologize and clean any blood stains. My life, for the second time, became an act.

When I was twenty six, after living with the man for a decade, we got home from a particularly brutal fight; we had just killed some neonates who tried to challenge Pigeon Forge’s Sabbat Laws. We got home, and he was hanging off my shoulder. I brought him Vitae from the refrigerator. He gratefully drank it up to dull the pain and feed the beast inside of him. He offered me some.

“Hey, dumbass, still a human, remember?" 

“Doesn't mean you can’t appreciate a fine wine." 

“What, like you? Big bro, you're positively younger looking than me now. Sure yer still taller, more muscular, but like, that mustache only hides so much of lookin twenty.”

"Aren't you curious Bridger? I know I am.”

"I'm sure you are, fuckin’ child-abducting dusty ass-”

He closed with me quickly and cut me off.

"You want to live forever as my servant, or you want a taste of the real deal?”

"The embrace? For real?”

“Yeah I mean, I get to slice you to ribbons, to drain you of your blood, watch you die, and then, with a droplet of my blood, you live forever, running from the cursed sun alongside me. Whaddya say?" 

“In exchange for what? How do I finally earn the honor?" 

“How else?" 

He leaned in and stole my first kiss. I didn't know what I was doing, though I learned quickly. My tongue movements mirrored his, but his mouth was full of blood unlike mine. More of that terrible, addictive, Vitae. It wasn't until he picked me up, that I started to really grow concerned. I pulled away, “Hey, uh, this is fine I guess, but this is it though right?" 

“If that's all you want it to be." He said, looking miffed.

“What did you have in mind?" 

“Well, your situation is… unique, and I wouldn't want to discomfort you in regards to all that. But.”

"But?”

"Surely you're past all your dead papa's trauma by now, you can give in to what you want to do.”

"And what is it that I want to do?”

"You really want me to spell it out for you?” He grabbed my thighs and turned me around.

"No? I don't think I want that. At least not as a weak little Ghoul. Embrace me, I'll be able to heal better, then you can have your way with me. Really fuck me up.” I hid the cringe that I felt attempting to creep into my expression.

"Yeah? Fine then, you want that?” He took his claws out and slammed them into my chest. I didn't fight it. It hurt, my god it hurt. I flashed back to stabbing my father in his chest, but missing his heart. I saw the rest of my shitty twenty-six years flash before my eyes. He pulled them out, then dug in his razor sharp claws deeper and then I saw white.

I awoke to him laying out a squirming human body, but I laid still, silent, furious. His parka was discarded to the side, and I could tell that he had thinned his blood to buff his muscles. The human moved to get up, and broke free of one of their bindings. I didn't chase, I pretended to still be out. I waited for his entire attention to be on the runner. The very moment his line of sight lost me, that's when I acted.

As he grabbed the intended snack by the arm and shattered their wrist, I zoomed over to him. I moved faster than ever, celerity making my movements imperceptible, I grabbed him by his hair, and closed my fangs around his throat. And began to drain him.

Fucking ASSHOLE. You made me do this. You were JUST LIKE HIM. You tried to act SO DIFFERENT. But you left me NO FUCKING CHOICE. YOU KICKED ME AND KICKED ME AND KICKED ME WHEN I WAS DOWN, AND WORSE OFF, YOU WERE A CREEP. God, had I not led you on, had I not promised myself to you after, you would have defiled me before taking my life, just like that creep Paul wanted to.

In the midst of taking his blood from him, I ran my claws through his shoulders and ripped the muscle from his arms. He had begun to fight back but that put an end to it quickly. I slashed, and slashed, and slashed away. His last words were a garbled “Bridger…” Eventually he grew limp, and then, his body turned to ashes in my hands. I felt his mind attempt to merge with mine, but it didn't stick, there wasn’t enough to it. I was free again for the time being. The Kine began to run away.

“What did you see?”

“This guy drugged me, and you killed him to protect me?”

“Good enough, get lost.”

I let them go. I wasn’t such a horrible monster. Not yet. I still had my pants on, but my shirt was torn to shreds and thrown aside. I went over and threw on his discarded Parka. It was oversized for me, but comfortable inside, fuzzy and warm. I was cleaning up before realizing that all of Drayton’s papers were faked anyway. This wasn’t legitimately his house. I could relax, I didn’t have to leave in a hurry. I never met The Bishop he worked for, perhaps I would simply fly under the radar. That’s when I heard a loud gunshot outside. I jolted to attention, nervously. Suddenly the doors were opened and a couple of leather jacket wearing punks came in, calling for Drayton. I had no choice but to answer. “Down here.”

They joined me in the basement. All wearing masks. “Where is he?” The front runner asked.

“He’s gone.”

“You’re going to have to be more precise,” another one answered as they raised their weapons at me.

“He tried to rape me, so I ate him.”

They looked at each other, unsure.

“I’m a Kindred now, a Gangrel, just like him. But he’s fucking gone. He made me do this. I didn’t want to have to do this!” I grew upset and violent.

“Bridger Cooke, you’re going to come with us now. You’re gonna need to explain yourself and prostrate yourself before The Bishop.

“Okay.”

“Cooperation will be looked upon favorably.”

“Did you kill the guy who ran out of here?”

They didn’t answer, but that was a yes.

I followed them to a set of two armored SUVs. I hopped into the door that they opened for me. They took me to The Convention Center. They parked around back and took me though back hallways until we sat outside a meeting room. I was only accompanied by two of the guards, but they seemed more than capable enough to take me out. Eventually the doors opened and a couple of people in suits poured out. My nose told me they were all Kindred.

“Come in.” called a nasally voice, and since my two escorts stood, I did as well. When they bowed on entry, I did as well. Before us stood a man who looked like he was part bat. His face was stretched in such rigid angles and bizarre proportions, his ears sat above and behind where they were. Clothing wise he was dressed sharply, the stark contrast between his face and his suit caught me off guard but I did not stumble, I remained stoic. “Welcome new blood, who stands in place of Drayton, former mutt. I am the Bishop of this fine city, Octavius Farrow. And you are?"

"Bridger. Gangrel. I've been his Ghoul for the past decade. He decided to embrace me, but also made moves on my body and-”

"Enough, I do not wish to hear of such things.” His face looked disgusted but unsurprised. “You were in the right to take his life, but you did not request his workload. What can we do to make it right for you?”

I was confused, an equal trade? Couldn't be. I took a wide swing. "What clan are you?”

"Why, Tzimisce of course.” Octavius answered with a chuckle.

"You say it differently than Drayton did. You're the flesh changing type right?"

“I am, and a pretty good one at that." 

“I was born with some defects, fix em and I'll work for you." 

“That easy? And which defects do you speak of." 

I looked around nervously, “Uh, my, bits, in the front… and”

“You’ve no doubt researched this on your own, be precise as to what you want.”

“Genitals, Sir. I want to be rid of all of it. Nipples too. Any sort of sensitive part. Not like as a Kindred they’ll produce anything except for blood. So it doesn't matter what I have, please, erase them. Smooth like a Barbie Doll, ideally." 

His interests were piqued. “And in exchange, you will take Drayton's place. You'll keep pressure on this city, culling our enemies, keep the Kine rallied, send and receive large shipments and funnel our money and food resources?”

"Drayton had been slacking as of late, Sir. I was the one doing most of the sending, receiving, culling and rallying. Earlier this evening was no different. He merely tagged along.”

“Ah, then very well. You keep training your Protean, get better, and there may be a position here for you yet. The field is no less than competitive. As for your flesh needs, come with me.”

I followed Octavius out of the boardroom, the Kine here bowed their heads as we passed. We went to a back room that had a massage table prepared. “Here, undress, lay down, relax.”

“I, I don’t know how to relax, I just got embraced, I just killed my Sire, the same Sire who just tried to force himself on me, who was physically-”

“What did you do before to calm yourself?”

“Before?”

“Drugs? Nicotine? Alcohol?”

“Oh, cigs usually help calm the nerves somewhat.”

“Here.” He handed me a rolled cigarette. His fingers were scaly and long, but his nails were neat and well kept.

“Thank you, Sir.”

I sat down on the table after removing my clothes. He looked at me neutrally, through me, I wasn’t even a fly in his web, I was an atom. “So, you are wanting pure flatness. I don’t believe I have seen what I am looking at before, but I imagine this has caused you much discomfort.”

“It has.”

“Mentally and physically I imagine. Then internally, what is going on with that?”

“I simply do not know. I’ve never ovulated, nor do I have testicles to speak of. Other than a urinary tract, which I no longer need, it is all genuinely useless.”

“Is the anus, or that area, an issue at all?”

“No, I don’t mind my ass.”

“Very well. You’d also mentioned your chest. Do you want the breast tissue removed, and the area flattened as well?”

“The fattiness there has never bothered me. I didn’t grow particularly large naturally, it’s the sensitivity in the nipples that is unpleasant though. So if it could just be smoothed as well.”

“Very well. Anything else?”

“No, Sir. Thank you, Sir.”

“Then lay down my Childe.”

I did so. I was still nervous. I lit the cigarette he handed me while waiting for him to return. He pressed his hands over my chest first. It felt searing hot, but painless. Like I had put my breasts inside an oven, near the burner but not quite touching it. When he wiped his hand away, the nipples were gone, and I was smooth. I breathed out a sigh of relief. The only pleasure The Bishop took in this was in his completed craft. He then moved to my crotch, and held his hand just under my belly button. His hand entered me there, passing through skin. It was scary, but once again did not hurt. That same heat returned, now baking my groin. His hand moved down, and through me, tucking and fusing all my unwanted parts together until they were all now bunched up internally like unused electrical cords. He then covered the exterior entirely in redistribubted flesh. By the end, I was smooth all over. He did a quick once over, top to bottom, then handed me a hand mirror. “I believe my work was satisfactory?”

“Yes, Sir!”

“Are you pleased? Do you believe you’ll be fit for duty tomorrow evening?”

“Yes, Sir.”

“Then I’ll see you here, seven o’clock sharp, do I make myself clear?”

“Yes, Sir.”

“Good, then head home. My men have cleaned up the evidence of your Sire, though his truck remains - I believe you had been driving it around anyways?”

“Yes, I’m a good driver, Sir.”

“Excellent. Goodbye for now.”

I left. His men met back up with me, and drove me home. I sat in silence. I wasn’t about to trust another man in a position of power. But there was a coldness that The Bishop didn’t attempt to hide. He simply didn’t give a shit about me, and that I could work with. I got home, Drayton’s old house. It called for me to burn it, but now wasn’t the time. I opened up some old novels. When I was finally tired, I slept the day away in Drayton’s parka. It didn’t smell like him, it smelled like ashes. Well, six in one hand, half dozen in the other.

The next evening is when the fun really began. I arrived at the Convention Center, and attended a meeting with a bunch of other Sabbat. Some Gangrel, some Brujah, some Lasombra, and a few scattered other Kindred here and there. Octavius laid out plans, and sorted us into three person teams, each team having a pecking order.

When it came to my assignment, I was sorted into an exclusively Gangrel team, and I was the lowest in the pecking order. Alex, a woman who was in her forties with a Russian accent, took command, and working under her was particularly rough. We were tasked to take down a target, a group of Ravnos had taken up our job in filtering through the tourists, we needed to find their leader and make an example of them. This was pure bounty hunting work, turf wars, not like any sort of vigilantism, but then again, if I knew Drayton was full of shit. His only surprising action was actually pulling the trigger and embracing me. When we arrived at the traveling merchants, there was no time to negotiate, our third, Clint, a relatively plain looking white-trash lad, started by opening fire with his AK, loud enough to be a big fucking issue real quickly. I knew better than to defy him, I simply looked to Alex, who was shaking her head, “Go on then, join him, he's intending to draw the target out."

"Yes, Ma'am." I said through gritted teeth, getting deep in a crowd and slashing away, tearing limb and gut alike. In a moment I realized that some of these Ghouls were kids, so I avoided them, but this earned a later scolding from Alex.

“Bridger, what the fuck?" 

“They were kids Ale-" 

“When I say Join Him, you Join Him, I don't care if it's jumping off a bridge or committing a war crime." 

“Yes but-" 

“Kneel." she said with hatred in her voice.

I knelt. No problem.

"This is for little puppies who aren't trained yet, you understand?” She asked, not seeking an answer but adhering a collar around my neck. "Once you understand the pecking order, then you'll be allowed to operate without it.”

I simply looked at her with a confused look on my face.

"Oh it works just like how the ones in yards do, except it's my button press that makes it go off. You want an example or would this best be saved for your next mistake?”

I looked at her stoically.

“Speak" 

“Saved for my next mistake, Ma'am." 

“Good, now let's get this gypsy." 

It didn't sound good hearing it, but I refrained from wincing.

I followed her lead, and stalked behind Clint. The three of us entered a tent where the last of their coterie and allies had gathered, where the children had run off to. I didn't like this shit one bit, I could take a little electro shock.

“We want Pietro. Bring him here." 

They brought forward Pietro.

“Please, do not hurt my family, I'll come with you, willingly." 

“You are not in a position to make demands." 

“It wasn't a demand, I just-" 

“And now you correct me? Clint, stand back, Bridger has to pick a Ghoul to die." 

I stared at the horrified crowd, scanning their eyes, expressions, how could I pick? Then it dawned on me, she used our names, her intent was never to allow any of them to live. I took an intentional step back and then there was a searing pain around my neck. I gritted my teeth, and kept the screams inside.

"What a shame, Clint, you're up.”

Clint reloaded his AK, and fired randomly in the crowd.

"Ya gonna do anything Bridger, or am I reporting back to The Bishop how you laid around on the job.”

Now, I couldn't have saved them, I knew this, and surely my neck was going to explode in pain again, but for just a moment, it had relented, and I struck true. I knew, in that moment, if I tried to stand up to Alex, I’d be dead, so I buried both of my claws in the back of Clint’s neck. I tore outward, separating the head from the rest of the body, and left nothing but ash in my hands. The amplification had increased from the first shock, so much so that I passed out from it. When I woke up, I was in a small bunker. I didn’t know where I was. Alex was standing there.

“Took a lot of balls to ash your superior, though admittedly, he was acting like a moron, so maybe he deserved it.”

I tried to respond, but my throat and jaw were in sharp constant pain.

“There there, I handled the rest of our job myself, your task was to lay low and observe, and yet. Now I get to tell The Bishop about how you seem to have some sort of trouble with Gangrel Men ~ is that right?”

“It’s - no - any-”

“Any men? Right, well, I’m sure he’ll feel super safe letting you close to him again. I’m gonna ask this one time, and depending on how you answer determines if I have to tell Octavius that I lost you both to the Ravnos, or just one of you. Who are you working for?”

“I’m working - for you!”

“No, you moron, Camarilla? Anarchs? Tal'Mahe'Ra? Baali? Because you sure killed two pretty strong Sabbat Gangrel back to back.”

“Just - you. I know I couldn’t - save those kids - but he gunned them down - I couldn’t-”

“Yes, yes you could.”

“No, Ma’am, I couldn’t-”

“Oh but you will. I guarantee that you will.” I shuddered and closed my eyes. She approached. “Show me your claws.” I did so, without hesitation. “Pretty sharp. You got a little Potence, a little Celerity, you sneak pretty good, know any Obfuscate?”

I shook my head yes.

“But your Protean is lacking. Can you merge with the earth?”

“N-no.”

“Surely Drayton would have taught you.”

“Drayton also wanted to fuck me.”

“And that’s why you killed him?”

I shook my head yes.

“Well, shit. That’s all you had to say. Now I’m applauding both of your kills. At first, I’ll admit, seemed like some Pro-Cammy shit, come in here, take out two heavy hitters. But no, I remember seeing you when he took you in, you were what like Seventeen? Sixteen?”

“Sixteen.”

“And then he wanted to- nahh, okay, we’re cool you and I, but I’m fucking watching you.”

“Fair. Entirely fair. Can I take my collar off now?”

“You can not. I said we were cool, didn’t say I trust. Learn difference.”

From then on, for the next few years, Alex trained me. We slept under the stars by merging with the earth. We sparred, but she employed what I thought of as a cheap trick, she turned to mist as I went to make contact, then reappeared behind me, knocking my ass to the ground. Worse off, when I hit the ground, she’d amplify this by shocking my neck again. This became a go-to until I clocked it, studied it, studied her, and mastered it. Not only could I turn into mist, which, feels fucking weird, but I could do it reflexively. Imagine your body separating into a million pieces, but it doesn’t hurt, you have no eyes but you can still observe.

She taught me how to hunt in the wilderness. The mist form was useful for this, but in terms of keeping pace with her, my high school track and minor amounts of Celerity couldn’t hold a match to her transforming into a beast and taking off at speed. She transfigured her body into some kind of lion. I had never seen it before. She referred to it as a Cave Lion, which I wasn’t sure was actually a real thing. Maybe some kind of Russian myth. She had me practice, get myself into the headspace, meditate on it, get zapped when I’d go to attempt and it didn’t work. Then one day, my arms extended and shifted in front of me, my body twisted and stretched, and I stood there in the woods, in front of Alex, a full blown Bobcat. Sure I was less than half her size, but I could keep pace finally. My bite was more vicious than that of my Kindred form, and my claws remained just as potent as ever.

She taught me one last cheap trick. She was a master of these, and thus, I loved adding them to my arsenal. She called it (кровавые шипы) krovavyye shipy, which literally meant Blood Thorns. Why she wouldn’t just call it that, I never learned. With this, you could take your claws, and, with Potence, shoot your segments of your claws off at your enemies. And it sucked to get pierced by one of these. I learned the hard way. Luckily they were easily regrown with blood, so you weren’t limited to how many bits of each finger you had. Caught one directly to the chest once, another one on the left hip, another one in the leg, and along with each; Zap, zap, zap, until I was a smoldering mess on the ground. One day I was avoiding her shots in the woods, ducking behind trees, merging with the earth, and reflexively misting to not get shot and electrocuted, when I was able to fire one back at her. It was like pulling a tooth, but without the pain, just the satisfying bits. She took it to the shoulder, and pulled it out. Dropping it to the forest floor. “You’re ready.”

The next evening, we had been given a new target. Another Tzimisce, this one trying to take The Bishop’s position. We arrived at their setup, silently took out their guards. This was tactical, this was precise, we were stealthy, apparently the perfect concoction for shit to go wrong. After removing their outermost guards, and moving in, we were stacked up at a doorway, my senses told me behind this was our target. We knew we needed to sneak in, and take him out as quickly as possible, but when we snuck in, we were at a disadvantage immediately. Aura check confirmed three, but one was vague. We stepped through the door, and a pool of blood leaked over half of the entrance. But since Tzimisce could turn their entire body into blood, and their blood could be acidic, they melted Alex right in front of my eyes, one second she was confidently breaching, the next she was a sizzling ash pile. The one person I had really connected with, gone in an instant. I wanted to turn and take out our target, I wanted to fight until my last drop of blood, but I couldn’t. The beast inside said run, so I ran.

The term for this was Rötschreck, I would later this learn while answering The Bishop and trying to understand why I couldn’t stick around and die to these fucking demons. An unfortunate side effect that I took quite harshly was that my face was permanently disfigured from this. A Gangrel curse. You run in fear or you give into anger or hunger, and the Beast gives you an animalistic trait. Sometimes Gangrel would grow a tail, or their ears would grow, or their eyes would become slits, all of which made it particularly difficult to pass as human. Me? My mouth split upwards towards my cheek bones. More cat-like. It exposed my now sharper teeths, and made me look more villainous, sure, but now I couldn’t go to a fucking gas station without a half-mask, and even then I’d still get funny looks.

The next few jobs, The Bishop sent me off on my own. I didn’t care, I took out targets, young, old, guilty, innocent, I rinsed and repeated. Sometimes I would get simpler jobs, move items around, intercept shipments of people or blood or bones or whatever Octavius needed. I met the entire echelon of Pigeon Forge. Learned them. I became their service dog, running errands, maintaining their domains, cleaning up after them, obeying mundane, often time belittling, tasks. Nobody gave a shit anymore that I had killed Drayton or Clint, and all the same, they didn’t give a shit that Alex was dead. My fear now was that I’d be forgotten when I met my final death, and that time looked like it was about to be dealt to me all the same.

“To our east, by two hours, is Asheville, North Carolina. A Camarilla Town. Their defenses are focused against Charlotte, where Konrad Varnhaagen resides. He is, albeit, a much bigger threat than us, ultimately of no matter to Asheville. They’re a nothing town as of right now. But for us, it would be a strong strategic position to hold, and essentially cap the Camarilla off to Central North Carolina. So, I’m going to need a team to infiltrate-”

“Send me.” I interrupted. My eyes were cold, and malicious. “I can sneak better alone, what information do you with for me to return with?”

“Less, information, and more, dismantling a specific set of defenses. You see, between us and them is the Cherokee National Forest, and it is full of Garou - Werewolves. You’re going to need to sneak past them, and once entering Asheville’s western most territories, wipe out their watch point, then return here.”

“I won’t let you down, Sir.”

“That’s what I like to hear. You all could learn a thing or two from Bridger here, they show much initiative. Their efforts are for the greater good of the Sabbat.”

I raise my arm, balling my hand into a fist, and people raise theirs and salute me. I never liked this part. If hands were opened, the optics would be particularly heinous, but I had become this monster, what did it matter anymore. Bridger, no last name, everyone I’ve ever worked with had died, I didn’t care what task I was given, kill some kids, innocents, sure, whatever, it apparently helped us defeat those weak fools in the Camarilla.

Before leaving town, just in case, I burnt Drayton’s house to the ground. I couldn’t risk it remaining if I didn't survive. I sat on top of his car, and lit a Filtered Camel, and just watched the fire consume the structure. I took his car up Highway 449 then turned onto 441, that became Highway 25. I saw State Line Antiques, and knew I was about to enter Werewolf territory. Moments after passing into North Carolina, I had three motorcycles on my tail. I signaled and pulled over.

One heavy set man approached my car door. “What are you doing in these parts, child of the Wyrm?”

“The tank’s full, I don’t intend to stop for quite a while, I mean you no trouble, what can I do to make this right?”

“So polite, but you look like you’ve been through shit. Nice truck. Say I trade it for my bike?”

“Sure, lemme get my backpack first.”

“Go ahead, we’re watching your hands.”

The mood was tense, but when I didn’t produce a Silver weapon, they didn’t strike prematurely. I handed them the keys, they handed me theirs. “Say, you don’t happen to be called a Gangrel do you?”

“I am a Gangrel, yes. What tribe are you and your people?”

He looked shocked, but nodded in understanding. “We are Bone Gnawers.”

“Ah, underdogs, I respect that.”

“Hey, you’re quite alright, for a Kindred. You find yourself in D.C. my Caern is there, The Sept of Awakening. Ask for Tank, I’ll hook you up.”

“I’ll remember that, I go by Bridger.”

“Strong name, keep it well.”

Tank took the truck and u-turned. Followed by his two motorcycle buddies.

I took my new motorcycle, further into North Carolina, I breathed a sigh of relief. I was immediately grateful for two things, one, my mask, if they’d seen my fangs bared it would have been on sight, that would have been the end, two, that I had read up on every single Garou Tribe and Caern once I learned of their existence. My childhood special interest was Werewolves afterall, Bridger was of course my fictional Werewolf-Self I used to disassociate in the woods behind our apartment complex when things were particularly bad at home. I took the exit to Highway 26, and then came upon Asheville’s city limits. I parked the motorcycle off road, and proceeded the rest of the way on foot.

I climbed a tall tree, and sniffed the air. There were other Kindred here. At least two. If I could get the drop on them, they would be pretty easy to handle, their auras lacked hatred, thus they would be weaker. Hopping from tree to tree, I approached the stronger of the two auras. Another twenty-something, dark hair, sapphire blue eyes, stupid piercings, leather jacket, definitely out of range. I need to blend in, and sneak up. What a shame, I’ll hate to see them die. I joked to myself. Then, the unthinkable happened, they saw me. My attempts at getting the drop on them - failed. I vanished into mist before their eyes, and flowed quickly down the tree I was perched on. When I reached the bottom, I reappeared stepping out of the mist. Mask tight, Parka covering most of me, Claws extended past the sleeves. My stance was low, my posture and eyes were downright feral. Little did I know this would change my life in ways I couldn’t yet comprehend.

[casliveblog]

Custom Toonami Block Week 227 Rundown

Stone Ocean: The battle against Sports Man Guy continues and FF manages to weaponize the fact she’s basically immortal to shoot the alligator through its body and destroy it. It’s also very creepy how FF’s the healer and she manages to do that by basically fitting chunks of meet together like puzzle pieces, like it’s really gross. Meanwhile it turns out Sports Man Guy has escaped and is having trouble remembering what he’s doing and anyone who’s seen Part 4 can probably come to the early conclusion that he’s already dead and has become a taxidermy ghost from his own power. It’s kind of unclear what he’s done with Dio’s Bone because like… Pucci showed it to him in the stinger and told him to come get it and he’s just going back to the chapel to grab it but like why didn’t he grab it the first time? I can’t tell if this is dead man walking memory shenanigans or just doesn’t make any sense. Either way there’s a weirdly gross scene of him taking this guy’s pants off and injecting himself with raw sewage that he just had in a syringe for some reason, I feel like setting a Jojo in Florida is kind of cheating because between normal Jojo things and Florida Man things you could say anything happened and it’d be plausible. But yeah Sports Man Guy is now a vampire ghost thanks to Dio’s bone and his own stand and uses a combination of those two powers to resurrect some zombies in a conveniently placed graveyard to trap Jolyene and Ermes. Ermes is still full on about revenge and sure that Sports Man Guy is the same way and won’t let one of the mooks kill her when he has to get the final hit. She turns out to be right but there’s some shenanigans with him taking off his head but she eventually manages to track him down and through a combination of devastating punches and Soul Light coming in through the window, the vampire ghost is defeated. Ermes collapses and Jolyene is taken away and NOW is the scene from last time where she’s put in solitary, feel like the transition to it being a flashback wasn’t exactly clear but I guess it makes more sense this way.

That Time I Got Reincarnated as a Slime: So now that we have more conventionally attractive allies we start with some harem antics between Shuna and Shion and Shion’s cooking and it’s honestly kind of boring like even Rimiru says it’s an overused trope and if there’s one thing I’m not a fan of it’s lampshading a trope and still just doing it straight anyway like anime’s in this weird position where it’s codified most things but doesn’t have the balls to subvert them most of the time. Anyway things start looking up when Gabiru shows up and does his whole chunni speech and they fucking pit him against Gobta to make an even fight and I always like these little fights with the secondary characters that make them shine and of course Gobta kicks his ass. Gobta in general reminds me of that Farmer NPC you can recruit in Fire Emblem Awakening with low stats but high stat growth and can learn almost any skill. Anyway the lizard dudes drag Gabiru off with their pride not able to accept an equal alliance with Rimiru. The rest of the group have a meeting about the mounting orc invasion and its possible demonic/orc lord causes until Sasuke Ogre gets a message from a Dryad and hot plant lady comes in to give them the quest officially.

Monogatari Second Season: So Hankeawa is staying with Hitagi and there’s really no other way around it, it’s really fucking gay. Like Hanekawa staring at Hitagi sleeping and admiring her character development is gay enough but then they do show the full shower scene and it’s one of those ‘this would be sexual assault if it was anyone but two anime high school girls’ shower scenes that anime writers assume all teenage girls get up to and I can’t even really be mad because Hitagi is just kinda like that as a character and Hanekawa is too well-intention to even think of objecting. I like how Hitagi’s line of debate with getting Hanekawa to do things is to offer a flimsy seemingly-reasonable line of thought for her desired outcome and when Hanekawa offers an alternative that would avoid her projected problems without her desired outcome she’s just like “Yes but that wouldn’t get me what I want” like it’s fun watching Hitagi deal with someone smarter than her and still managing to bargain them down like a used car salesman, it’s a very different dynamic than she has with Koyomi where she just kinda steamrolls the whole conversation. When they go to bed Black Hanekawa wakes up because yeah having your fucking house burn down is at least as stressful as ‘the boy I like is dating someone else’ and she confronts the White Tiger about it, the Tiger saying that White Hankeawa is doomed because she saw it and her fate is inevitable. Upon returning, Black Hanekawa meets up with Hitagi who does the power move of demanding to shake her hand despite Black Hanekawa basically being Rogue from X-Men and slowly killing anyone she touches. The next morning we get the bizarre fucking revelation that Hanekawa doesn’t use any sauces or seasonings for any of her meals despite the base ingredients looking good, it’s very weird and like eggs I get, that’s relatively uncommon to put things on, bread’s a little weirder but you can still get away with eating it plain, but SALAD!? You gotta have dressing on that shit or it’s just like eating a head of lettuce raw. Hitagi comes to the somewhat sad conclusion that this is both the result of Hanekawa’s awkward home life (ie she doesn’t have any concept of ‘home cooking’ in the truest sense) and her alienatingly amicable demeanor that she’ll just accept food as it is and appreciate each individual piece of food. And with that revelation she wonders if Hanekawa is capable of having preference at all since she’s a literally a supernaturally angelic being and liking something more than something else would be a sin of omission, which leads her to wonder how could she possibly be in love with someone if that were the case, questioning if she really does love Koyomi for the second end stinger in a row.

Heavenly Delusion: Okay so this is a real mindfuck of an episode and it tellingly takes place mostly in the academy, I think the show’s finally showing its hand here and we can kind of piece together what most of the rest of the show is like from here. Short part first, Kiruko and Maru continue their journey and eventually see smoke coming from a place where the audience is shown Kiruko’s Spike Spiegel backstory character is at. Now at the academy, Tokio gives birth and IT’S TWINS, now originally I was going off the idea that Tokio was Maru’s target since they look a lot alike but it’s actually far more complicated. The Director of the academy reveals she created the Kiru-Beam and she’s planning to implant her brain into her assistant like what was done to Kiruko and then eventually into Tokio’s baby which at this point if the plan goes according to plan will be Maru’s target, so Maru is going after who if everything goes to plan would be the director of the academy at this point after her second Kenjakuing. So yeah, the academy shit all takes place in the past, I figured these things weren’t happening on the same timeline but I wasn’t quite sure exactly how they lined up but this seems to be pretty direct confirmation. Meanwhile Mimihime encounters one of the younger children who has the same power as the basement Hiruko from the clinic where it gives people the Tsukyomi fear coma dream and they fucking call the kids Hiruko while giving them their final assignments. I kinda already assumed this given we see the artist kid drawing the Hiruko designs and Mimihime does seem to predict the future forms of some of the kids but yeah, it’s entirely possible the academy is what CAUSED the great cataclysm by unleashing the Hiruko. I can’t exactly confirm this since the Director says the infrastructure of the world is already gone but that may just be some The Village delusional cult nonsense. What gets me is several people realize the Director’s crazy and no one does anything about her, like yeah she has the robot linked to the entire compound guarding her but she’s an eighty year old wheelchair bound woman, like she almost dies shouting at this guy, surely you could just ‘misplace’ her pills and end all this, granted that may not be a long-term solution and many of the academy workers seem to believe they’ve crossed too many lines to turn back but that just makes it weirder that they keep going with something so obviously horrible.

Bungo Stray Dogs: So yeah now that we’ve gotten the basic premise and introduction to the special powers organization, it’s time for a classic ‘why should I join you?’ episode. It’s pretty obvious right out the gate that this is a ploy but it’s a fun ploy so we’ll play along for now. Atsushi gets woken up by Dazai in a bucket and is determined to just become a convenience store clerk somewhere and Dazai offers to help him with his interview they conveniently never get to because Doppo trips over them and insults Dazai for like three minutes before being like ‘oh yeah also there’s a bomb in the office’ and right away, key detail, the bomber is not designed like a madman, like madmen in anime tend to have the crazy eyes and disheveled hair, this guy is designed like an orange-haired pretty boy so it’s pretty clear he’s a mole. As things go forward it becomes clear the whole event is meant to have Atsushi confront his own will to go on living by forcing him to be the only one that can help thanks to not being an official member and being an unknown quantity, as well as forcing him to throw himself on a bomb to save everyone despite it being fake, it’s actually quite an efficient speedrun of the first mini-arc of My Hero Academia with the nature of self-sacrifice being the qualifying factor rather than power, like I said I don’t think it’s a ruse that’s fooling anyone aside from Atsushi himself but it does get to the heart of what the Armed Detective Agency and Dazai value in their workers. I also really like how Dazai plants the idea of throwing himself on the bomb without even saying it and it leads to Atsushi having just enough time to put it together before it explodes, it’s a fun little secret test of character but it’s also just a tiny bit cruel that they have Atsushi list of the reasons he wants to live before forcing him to sacrifice himself, like I guess self-sacrifice does mean more if you’re not a suicidal maniac like Dazai but yeah.

[faolonfiendrender]

Just something quick for the feast below the cut

Working a crowd doesn't have the glamour of high-stakes, high-elevation burglary, or interfering in spy work, but it was immensely profitable. And that's why Colin was doing it. Surely the fools who pay to get into the carnival wouldn't miss a couple more moonpearls or a bit of glim.

They felt a hand leave their derringer pocket, which was strange because it was hidden and inside their coat. They took an annoyed look around the carnival for the rogue, planning to take their pistol back, and leave them a note with a job offer. They didn't spot anyone, or even any interruptions in the crowd indicating some urchin was passing through it, until they spotted a familiar silhouette, with long, black hair.

They decided to follow, after all, such a theft was a standard greeting between the two of them. The man weaved through the crowd, disappearing for a second before reappearing elsewhere, always staying just barely traceable.

Eventually, the man glanced back, his face confirmed Colin's assumption. This was their smuggler, Grey, and he had spotted them first. They glanced around for a better path, crowds had never been Colin's best terrain.

Grey just smiled, almost teasingly, and disappeared again. Colin found their way onto a side street, less crowded, and with more permanent buildings. From up there, they could see a black-haired dot swimming through the crowd, and they paralleled his path.

Soon, the dot went down an alley of his own, and Colin followed suit. They noted a few hiding places as they entered, closing their good eye, and gazing down them with the cosmogone one. They dropped their pick, a small line of string reeling from their right hand to it, near the one that had a blurry oval according to what they saw from the cosmogone light bounced off it.

They were not disappointed when they heard two footsteps and a click behind them. Without turning around, they spoke.

"Hello dear, quite a trick you pulled."

"Good enough that I won this round, my love" replied Grey.

"Did you now?" Colin said, turning around quite forcefully over their left shoulder. The pick reeled in, and took the smuggler's feet from beneath him. A shot rang out as he fell, grazing Colin's cheek. Grey chuckled as Colin approached and picked up their pick before putting it back through their belt.

"Always one step ahead. I should have known something was up when you put that down"

"I always have a trick up my sleeve" Colin said, offering a hand.

Grey took their hand, smiling like he was up to something, and said "And I'll always drag you down to my level" before kicking Colin's feet out from under them.

Colin landed on their hands and knees, above Grey. Grey reached up, and pulled himself into a kiss before pushing Colin off of him. Both climbed to their feet, and Colin grabbed the deringer that had been dropped in their scuffle, tucking it back into their coat.

Grey offered an elbow, which Colin took with a quick peck on his cheek. As the two started walking, Colin spoke up, "I was wondering if you were going to make it here for the feast"

"Eh, the market's good for smuggling books. Plus, I missed you."

"Did you see anything interesting on the zea?"

"I was sailing past Godfall about a month ago, and there was an entire fleet of pirates assaulting the stalagmite, and the wax wind joining the attack. And a redheaded figure in black jumping around between the inside and the outside and fighting off both pirates and the wind. You wouldn't know anything about that would you?"

Colin shook a bit of wax that was still stuck to their coat from that incident loose, and said "I may know something about the Prester's hand hunting down someone on Pilgrimage there. If you happen meet a certain naturalist, tell him I said hello, and I'm still trying to find his contact."

"You should send a bat to me when you're spiting the powers that be, I might be able to help"

"And watch me fight."

"Can't a man enjoy watching his lover at work?"

"You may, but you should know that I don't really plan these things, I just don't know how to not get in trouble."

"And that's why I'm a smuggler, and you're a thief."

“And which of us has been to New Newgate more than once?”

“That’s just because the lawmen are harder to evade on the zea”

“Sure, because the admiralty is sooo hard to evade,” Colin said before planting another quick kiss on their lover’s cheek.

“You have a zubmarine, and winning the boarding action doesn’t count as evasion.”

The two walked for a while, ducking through alleys and keeping to the outskirts of the crowd, slightly to distracted with eachother to notice a man in a blue uniform closing in until they heard the man cry

“You are under arrest. Please come with me peaceably, and we can spare as much unpleasantness as possible.”

Colin stopped to stare at the man for a moment, noticing the extreme confidence, the slight wobble in his truncheon hand, and the fact that this man stood in perfectly straight legs, before saying “I take it you’re new enough to not know this, but you really should just ambush me next time.”

Colin stepped forward as the man raised his truncheon, threatening to strike. Then, they took a step back and vanished, leaving just their duster behind as the club came down. The officer stared in confusion before Colin stood up from an illuminated puddle behind him. The officer didn’t have time to react as his truncheon arm was grabbed, and he was thrown to the ground.

Colin hefted their pick over their shoulder as they stepped towards the officer, and said

“I’m in a good mood today, and you seem new enough down here that I’ll give you a choice. You can do your duty, and try to arrest me, and I’ll introduce you to the boatman, or you can just walk away, and keep some hope of feeling sunlight on your skin as a pleasant sensation again. Your choice.”

The officer scrambled away before regaining his feet and running back out the alley. Colin turned back to Grey and said “You could have handled that.”

Grey replied “Yes, yes, but you had it under control.”

Putting back on their duster, Colin asked "Well, if you're so intent on watching me fight, I know a fighting ring with no permanent killing and no constables, do you want to go win a few bets?"

"I'd be delighted to."

[trymyownsauce]

Alright. Let me make this into a proper argument. I'm gonna talk about CSA so heads up.

I have reckoned with it, and I have concluded that this kinda fantasizing is good for me.

I was a victim of sexual assault as a child, and for a long time I felt lost because of it. I minimized the impact it had on me and tried ignore it. But I couldn't do that forever. The trauma eventually boiled to the surface in my adulthood and created a lot of misery for me.

There's been many things that I've done to try and cope with it, but the most effective by far has been fantasizing about my own assault.

I acted it out mostly as I remember it with a trusted partner, and it produced a sense of catharsis that was profound in scope. It didn't fix it, but it provided closure on the subject. Maybe closure isn't the right word, but I don't know the right one.

It was a piece of erotica that truly got me to stop blaming myself for what happened. Seeing another character in a situation similar to me, realizing that they have no choice but to go along with it and try to placate their own rapist, is what made me stop blaming myself. Stop thinking about if maybe I could have stopped other kids from facing the same fate if I had acted differently.

It gives me a sense of control about the moment of my life where I had none at all. It's hard to explain.

So as your mutual, it really fucking concerns me when you say, "What am I gonna do? kick you out of my house for one. sexual violence has scarred & traumatized my loved ones i can't afford to be cool w/ it."

If I lived under your roof, would kick me out for coping with my assault this way? Would you kick my partner out for agreeing to act it out with me, or reccomending me that erotica?

Furthermore, I know how I act is shaped by environmental factors around me, but argument made was, "Rape fantasies are normal. We shouldn't stigmatize them. It's not immoral to have these fantasies." Which was responded to with, "I think you have morally failed for not being outraged about the fact that people are fantasizing about this."

Do I need to append every thought and fantasy I have by clarifying that I'm aware of the broader social implications? Do I need to need to hate myself into thinking pure and unproblematic thoughts?

Because I tried to do both of those things, and still do try sometimes, and now I have an OCD diagnosis and a lot of self-hatred. I'm allowed a break from always thinking about the sociological perspective on my every action.

I also fantasize about getting married and having kids. I know that's because of patriarchy. I support woman who don't want to get married or having kids. What else do you want me to do?

I could also explain choice feminism and stuff but I think this comic does it better than I can: https://everydayfeminism.com/2015/07/choices-not-always-feminist/

AGAIN not about the thought crimes, I don't know how to get that through. This stuff makes me sad more than anything and I guess triggers something in me. I'm very sorry these things happened to you and I better understand the role this fantasy can take in therapizing through things.

Let's put it this way, SOME PEOPLE are cool with rape fantasy, SOME PEOPLE are not cool with rape fantasy. some people use this fiction to cope, some people *would* believe the idea alone makes you a criminal. What's worse than making the point that 'we should think about the greater context' is "what r u gonna do huh? what now? I get my rocks off to trauma and there's nothing you can do about it it's totally normal and you're an idiot for suggesting otherwise"... like that's why I'm upset there's nothing I can do to account for the sins of my fathers and the abuses this world was built on (in fact some people like it!) and I know my ass is getting lumped in with the perpetrators. We can now see THE FACT is that it's going to come down to the individual, no one can tell either one of us that were wrong or evil for our life experiences/our opinions OR that a stat block makes something absolutely correct. Would I kick you to the curb? Shit are you gonna ask ME to rape you??? Are you gonna try to turn it into an ARGUMENT?? I'm the one stranger on the internet, not some 3000 strangers, or 4000 people in a study. Neither one of us are going to affect change for a better world, do what thou whilst.

now I know I didnt address everything here and you'll surely take the opportunity to try and tell me I'm fucked in the head or whatever but you've got to understand, it's good for you, and it's bad for me.

[darklingichor]

Abandoned Prayers; The Amish Wife, by Gregg Olsen

I seem to be on something of a nonfiction kick. I liked Olsen's story telling with If You Tell, so I thought I would give The Amish Wife a try because it was free with my audible membership. I got about five minutes into it and realized that this was a follow up to one of hos earlier books. I can't read things out of order, with the exception of brother Cadfael books, so, I had to stop and read Abandoned Prayers.

The case of Eli Stutzman, his wife Ida and his son Danny is sad and very weird.

Eli was born into an Amish community from an early age it was apparent that there was something off about him. And this wasn't your typical just not right for the Amish life, kind of stuff. He would lie to get attention,

It was thought that he skinned a cat, just to blame some other people for it. He cut himself up and pretended to have been assaulted. Then of course there was the fact that people had a habit of dying around him.

He was in and out of the Amish community in the 70's, one of the times he was in, he married a devout Amish girl named Ida. Ida loved Eli, but he was less than interested in really making a life with her. They had a son Danny, but when the boy was still very young, the barn on their property caught fire, and Ida, pregnant with their second child,died trying to get equipment, or animals out of the blaze (what she was trying to rescue depended on what Eli decided to say at any given time).

Eli told various stories full.of various holes, one of them being that Ida had a weak heart and that, is what ultimately lead her death.

The ME at the time, did a crappy job on Ida's autopsy and went with the heart thing, even though there was really no evidence of it.

Eli then took Danny and left the Amish.

They criss-crossed states so much that I couldn't really keep track, but the time was filled with drugs and sex, all in all not an environment for a kid. There was more thanmone account that suggested that Danny was abused, by his father and used in some of these parties. Which is so disgusting and rage inducing that I feel sick just typing that.

After one of his roommates turned up dead, Eli took Danny and fled, the boy was eventually found dead in a corn field in Nebraska. Eli would spin stories, that his son had been sick and passed from illness, that it had been the fault of fumes from a faulty tail pipe on the car they had been driving in.

Eli was convicted of the murder of his roommate, and abandoing his son as his death couldn't be determined.He was sent to prison in 1985. His sentence was for forty years, but he was out in fifteen. He later killed himself. It is thought that he also killed two other men.

Okay, so that's a very truncated version of what the first book is about. The bare facts. And I did that to make a point.

Eli Stutzman was a sick man who killed people, including his own son.

What I didn't say, that Olsen focused on is that Eli was gay. Two of the other men he is suspected of killing were two of his lovers.

Eli would put ads in magazines looking for hook ups, or relationships, charm these men, and then end up manipulating money out of them, or just be abusive. He would then make something up and run.

And he got away with so much stuff because so many of these men were afraid to come forward because of the stigma of being gay in the 70's and 80's.

So why did I leave this out in the above summary? Because, while it is important that Eli was gay and took advantage of and killed men who trusted him, it's important because it highlights just how fearful people were about being outed.

Olsen, however seemingly recounts every single sexual encounter he was told about, often, mentioned over and over how well hung Eli was. He described orgies. All of this over and over again.

There was something in how this was written that felt like it was dehumanizing the men that Eli duped. It read less like an account of how this sick fuck used the fear in the gay community to get his rocks off and abuse people., and more like trying to paint being a gay man as equivalent to being seedy, which is a low move, even for something published in 2002 and set mostly in the 70's and 80's.

Eli Stutzman was a horrible human being, he would have been one even if he hadn't been gay.

In The Amish Wife, the tone was much different, there wasn't a focus on the sex, and the men that Eli hooked up with were given more humanity. This was also a much more personal book.

Many people thought that Eli had killed Ida. He wanted out of the Amish life, he wanted to do whatever he pleased, and he needed money to do it.

He wasn't even subtle, less than twelve hours after a will was drawn up, something most Amish do not do, Ida was dead. Eli was dumb about it, not even giving enough time for the document to be processed.

Olsen spent less time in Eli's head and more time in his own and the personal crusade he picked up trying to get justice for Ida.

I felt that this book was less sensationalized in style and didn't read like a tabloid. Rather it was more about finding the truth.

The differences between these two books made me wonder if, because Abandoned Prayers was one if the author's early books, the publisher told him to punch up the sex element of it to make it more interesting.

He doesn't say so in The Amish Wife, but it's just something to think about.

Justice for Ida could only come from finding the truth since the person who killed her is beyond punishment, but that doesn’t mean that that surch for truth isn't worthwhile.

All in all, these books were interesting, but not the best true crime I have read.

[kanencrow]

TWDG S4 When they come across another group who is around their age and more put together than they are? And have a female leader? If not that’s okay

Strong Independent Women - The Walking Dead | Headcanon

A/N: Ah, I love the idea! Hope you enjoy! Also, reader goes by she/her pronouns, as per request.

SUMMARY: How would Clementine react to Y/n, who manages a large group that's more organized than her own?

WARNINGS: Weapons.

WORD COUNT: 1090

To say that none of them are impressed would be a blatant lie. Most of the Ericson kids don't know much about how difficult it truly is to have an organized group full of skilled individuals, but Clementine certainly does. Automatically, she gives you her respect, and she tries to make an ally out of you. I mean, why wouldn’t she? When you and your team came knocking on her front gates, she was pretty intimidated at first when she spotted the assault rifles and snipers in your and your buddies’ arms. And then when she found out that you were just wanting to meet the other communities that were near your own, she significantly relaxed. 

“We just moved into an old warehouse just outside of the woods,” you informed, as you handed your rifle to one of the members that stood right beside you. “I was told by one of my guys that there was another community around here. We just wanted to visit and let you know that we’re no threat to you and your people.” 

“Okay.” Clementine crossed her arms over her chest and narrowed her eyes at you. She somewhat trusted your statement. You didn’t sound very unconvincing, but she still had her reservations. “What’s your group called, if you don’t mind me asking?” 

“Haven,” you answered, “it’s pretty simple, but it lets people know that we’re not out here trying to harm innocent people.” You shrugged your shoulders, before you rested your hands on your hips and sent the brunette a kind smile. “I’m Y/n, by the way. Nice to meet you.” 

“Clementine,” she replied, introducing herself, too. A weight lifted from her shoulders in that moment, and you even noticed how she visibly relaxed, when she sent you a friendly nod. “Welcome to Ericson.” 

She was quick to realize that you wanted nothing other than to assist and serve. It was refreshing, honestly. Usually, she had to defend herself and her own people from groups that wanted to solely destroy and take. She felt much more confident with her own safety after you committed allegiance to her community. And not long after, the two of you became close. It was bound to happen, though. You both were leaders, just wanting to take care of others, and in turn that made each of you more similar to one another than not. 

There’s a lot of nights the two of you spend together where it just consists of the both of you going over plans for ways to connect your communities together. You have a lot of manpower, practically a whole army, and Clementine has a lot of supplies that she and the other Ericson kids scavenged from the Delta. She tells you of that story, and to say you were impressed would have been an understatement. It put into perspective just how skilled she really was with leading. Honestly, you two quickly became a force to be reckoned with, just because of how knowledgeable each of you were about particular things. 

Usually, most people wouldn’t bat an eye at two women being the leaders of their communities. You guys do get flack sometimes, but it’s quickly extinguished by the one’s that are the most loyal to you. They understand just how powerful you and the brunette really are. Both separately, you each can kick ass, and together, that strength multiplies. That certainly doesn’t go to your heads, however. Just because you have respect and are able to control large groups, that doesn’t inherently make you invincible, and you understand that. 

It does eventually get to a point in life, where the better option would be to merge Ericson and Haven together. The school was starting to deteriorate after a while. Wood was rotting, black mold was forming, and with your group having much better living conditions and a multitude of space, you offered up the option. At first, Clementine didn’t really like the idea. She didn’t want to pack up and move into a place that was completely uncharted to her, but after proposing the idea of a few of her people moving in to test the environment out, she seemed a little more lenient.

Louis and Ruby went to stay at your community for a week, and when they came back, they couldn’t stress it enough to Clementine just how comfortable the building was. Unlike the school, you had generators that provided electricity, water, and heat on those especially frigid days. It wasn’t like you were trying to brag, but with how many people you had, it was pretty easy to send them on missions to find supplies that would truly benefit everyone. Everyone had jobs, and with those jobs, they could make money to buy products for themselves. It was like an actual society, and that seemed to be what convinced your fellow leader friend.

It was hard to say goodbye to Ericson for some of the kids, but they knew it was for the best. None of them wanted to die from the black mold that attempted to invade their lungs. And neither did they want to possibly get crushed by a weak wooden beam while they walked down a random corridor. Not many of them had a lot to pack away, so the move was relatively easy, other than the cold weather that they had to bear. However, when they made it to Haven, they were immediately warmed and wrapped in nothing but kind smiles and heat. 

Your people were welcoming to Clementine’s. Some even befriended each other, and you felt like a proud mother with the brunette, who was particularly amused at the way Louis tried to impress some girl he thought was cute. Even AJ found a lot of friends, too. He was once a kid who felt lonely, but he fell into a lot of close relationships with the other kids around your community. That was what made a certain ball-capped woman the happiest, you thought.

Clementine didn’t lose her leadership, either. You quickly had her become your right-hand, and you thought it was the best decision you could have made. It helped you with your stress and took some of the weight of responsibility off of your shoulders. Even your friends noticed your change in behavior, and whenever you were around the brunette, they couldn’t help but smirk in endearment at the way you seemed to shine just a little bit brighter around her. 

Call it a crush or deep admiration. Either way, it was mutual.