#and this isnt even all ive deleted a bunch of stuff

[failure-girl-fuyu]

this is how much my artstyle changes btw

ignore some of the stuff on there 😭

[calcium-chan]

DRAWMEGLE DUMP FROM LIKEFORVER AGO

drawmegle was this weird little website that was like omegle, except for drawing and nominally fewer nazis?? tho at launch that was a bit of an issue lol (idk the creator went on vacation right after advertising or something? oops). i got sucked into it for like a day or two and ended up drawing a bunch of stuff. ive lost some of it because there was this weird glitch that just deleted my drawings before i could save them or anything. OH WELL. thats also the reason some of these are slightly unfinished. im also going to be cropping most of these to just my side, exceptions where its funny, or the other persons art was nice or whatever. just know that these almost all had people on the other side who were also drawing their own thing. also of note, i wont be posting these in order of creation, its mostly arbitrary tbh

this first one is of haru from dorohedodo. i had just finished reading the manga about a month or so prior, and i really loved this character a lot. disregard the amogus or whatever. dorohedoro is really cool and its really special to me now. not a fan of the anime adaption but what the fuck else is new (im sorry if you like the anime, i just didnt like the style very much). Q hayashida is brilliant, and she clearly just really loves women like a lot, thank you miss Q!

next is this silly drawing of knives chau. scott pilgrim takes off had just aired, and i was slightly enamored with knives for a bit, i kin the scott pilgrim girl fucking sue me. i also drew kim, but the drawing deleted and this was the last save i had WAHOOOOOO its so fucking over. scott pilgrim takes off was obviously really really good in my opinion, and its like the perfect way to adapt an original work in my mind. uh shout outs knives or whatever.

oops shitty cowboy bebop drawing. i like this one well enough for how goofy it is. jets fucking face still kinda gets me. i love bebop a ton, but i dont think ive ever drawn the characters despite that. theyre actually a ton of fun to draw, like their shapes are all super varied and they have distinct style about them. very good cast of characters. i didnt even realize or mean to, but i kinda gave spike a fucking granny face, oops

uuuuhthese pissing dogs are really funny, they were fun to draw, and seeing peoples reactions to this one in particular was cool. having even a little bit of ability to draw on sites like this where randos are looking at your work as youre drawing it is always kind of an ego boost. like none of these drawings are really that great, but for the medium im happy with them, and having people show up and go "woah" was always really flattering and it was fun watching the other people draw and interacting with them in some limited capacity.

ggggundam bullshit. i left the other persons side this time because i thought it was kinda funny. i had been rewatching the early part of turn A gundam, and it really reminded me how fucking cool that series is? loran is like top 10 gender non conforming mech pilots (there are a surprising amount honestly). and it always kinda takes me off guard when i watch any gundam because they were just so forward thinking in a nominally "boy" coded genre. shoutouts the fucking gundam staff frfr.

@oretal joined me for these next two!

a lot of the shit in the second drawing is probably totally incomprehensible to like anyone outside of a select group. were both have that like, 3ds era nintendo brain parasite, so a lot of these are just weird obscure game characters or memes, or just straight up OCs. most of these are actually oretals little characters which have kind of entered that inside joke canon of being so ubiquitous between the two of us (and honestly i assume oretals friend group at large) that i kinda forget "glasses girl" isnt a well known character. many such cases. thank you oretal for drawing silly shit with me! i really like your drawing of james and your madotsuki yapping about blunt rotations to uboa. very cool

uuuh quick fire round of stuff i dont like how i drew but want to post anyways. the first one is my irl husband, aki from chainsaw man. i love him a lot, kinda hate this drawing tho, i think it was the first one i did? the second one is basil from omori, im a big fan of little blorbos who peep the horror, and basil is no exception. my friend got me the little vinyl figure of him for my birthday so i end up thinking about him a lot and i doodle him every now and then. very good design. the last one is kiruko from heavenly delusion. i did not have much hype going into the show after my middling feelings on summertime rendering (they were both in the news for being on disney+ for absolutely no reason). i dont remember what got me to watch it, but by the time episode 2 ended i was stuck in big time. i ended up binging the whole series in like one night and it was such a good time. the prototypical calcium show is probably somewhere between heavenly delusion and made in abyss. its a rough watch at times, but if you have this specific brainrot, its probably one of the best in its league tbh.

second to last is this drawing of vriska homestuck. i kept the other side because it was really pretty. im genuinely quite pleased witht his drawing, its not perfect but for what it is i find it visually appealing enough to like it. vriskas design is probably the best in homestuck, at least to me. its been a long time since ive read through homestuck proper, but something about these little shits sticks with you pretty much forever. actual fucking deadly brain parasites you get from dunking your head underwater in an infested pool, dead within days.

OOPS ALL KUMI CHAN! it had to be alien nine, it could only be alien nine. i love alien nine more than i love any of my blood relatives. kumi is literally me, i love this stupid fucking series so much you have no idea.

[obsesseddoeyfan]

HOWDY, swampy:

1: How do you manage to stay so organized and post so frequently?

I go a few days without checking your blog, and there’s already a bunch of new stuff (you must be the master of organization lol).

2: What happened to your other blogs?

You have your main one, but were the others deleted? If so, what were they about?

I took a thing or two from highschool of how to organize myself and keep busy since i hate not having something to do. for the most part i try to at least answer 3 asks on good days and on bad days 2, unless i stream which then gets side tracked into doodles

2. My other blogs arent connected to this one. As a matter of fact my main blog for this blog here isnt actually my main. All other blogs were under different names, the most recent recent one was For Avatar The way of water. Its still kind of active though only to read certain posts, it may come back after the new movie. But ive had a variety , from minecraft, Mha, Avatar, Encanto etc... and i have another one in memory of Technoblade to keep my own feelings in check.

i dont think ill share them, maybe even the techno i may but i see no reason to show people the inactive or semi inactive tumblrs. they arent gonna come back that is

[lemedstudent2021]

KINDREEED I'M SCAAARED

I WANT TO DO THIS ART THING WHERE MERCH DESIGN FOR JANANI K. JHA (APHRODITEEEEE) BUUUUT I ALSO HAVE A BIG BIG EXTRACURRICULAR FINAL EXAM IN 9 DAYS

9 DAYS

MY PARENTS WON'T LET ME DO IT IF I FAIL

I'VE FORGOTTEN EVERYTHING I'M GOING TO CRYYYYYY

DO YOU HAVE ANY GOOD STUDYING TECHNIQUES???

I FORGOT EVERYTHING-THE TEACHER DIDN'T EXPLAIN IT ALL VERY WELL-AND MY NOTES HAVE VANISHED

-NYX T-T

WOAH OMG OKAY! IM HOLDING UR HAND LETS DO THIS:

i have no idea what it is ur studying (like if its memorisation heavy or practice heavy, history vs maths for example) but i can advise u as follows:

start with bismillah!! u got this inshallah >:D

aight first were going to get ur calendar and study material out and plan: if i understood right ur test is on day 9 so u have 8 to study? (ill go with that just in case u plan according to what u have):-

in those 8 days how much stuff (topics/ chapters) do u need to cover? some parts may be longer/ harder than others and might need extra time, dont forget to take that into account! take bio example; id study a topic a day (one for mitosis, the next for cellular respiration, etc. but if ur tight on time group similar stuff together) and solve questions to help the ideas stick *and* make sure ive gotten everything down; if i forgor something or found a question particularly hard its an indication to go reread and study further that area specifically.

plan realistically and play to your strengths; start with what will be the easiest for you. for example i loved molecular bio (cell stuff) and left ecology till last, but that might be just me lol. anyway you know best what works for u so go for it!!

if u have school atm take a break after getting home to switch between school and studies, keep taking breaks to stay sane (preferrably after milestones), drink plenty of water and dont lose sleep!! very rich coming from me i know lol but u must sleep. or else ill haunt u :3

breaks btw can be getting up to pray, doing a random chore, eating a snack or having a meal with family, regardless i advise getting up and moving to really freshen ur mind! daydreaming also works lol

assuming u have a book/ reference material; id say look at the objectives before every lesson, usually thats what teachers focus on because thems the objectives lol. its a place to start

next, again this depends on what ur studying, but i cant sing enough praises for mind maps & mnemonics. life savers fr:

the idea is to start with the bigger picture; what is this lesson about? what are we learning here? (more bio: if im studying the humble cell i first need to know the kinds of cells, whats in them, how they do what they do. this is ur first mind map thingy: to arrange ur thoughts) and then continue to work your way with the details, seeing if you can come up with words phrases imagery etc to help remember stuff. (so for example making a lil mind map of each organelle and its functions) plenty of stuff exists online too btw!! look for resources and maybe ask classmates if yall have a group or sum. khan academy has saved me many a time back in the day, so did crash course lol. the internet can be a godsend sometimes

now me, kindred, personally, i memorise via writing. if i want anything to stick i keep writing till it does (even quran!), so as i make notes and summarise the way my brain works is that ill start making connections to help me remember stuff bc my memory isnt the best and brute memorisation is a crime. anywya.

literally from todays test: to help me remember the type of mutation (deletion of 1p & 19q) associated with a type of tumor (oligodendroglioma) i make the connection delete and go from oligo. its simple but thats what sticks when im in the exam lol another one i remember form 2 years ago almost is MACE (yk the medieval weapon) is short for a bunch of antibiotics: macrolides = azithro- clarithro- and erythomycin. i forgor everything else about them lmao but the point is this is how i remember stuff. silly little acronyms and mnemonics go a long long way for me

cant stress this enough; make studying enjoyable for urself (yes im serious) try to have a lil milestone sheet or something in mind for finishing topics or days at a time to keep u going and motivated

my gremlin brain needs this or else nothing will get done lol. i doodle on my lecture notes (as yall are all too familiar with lmao) to help get the wiggles out and stay focused, but when im actually done for the day i allow myself a lil research break, teleport to tumblr, microwave the blorbos for a bit etc.

in this case maybe u can plan out the art u want to make; first break plan the art, next one find references, third break make a first draft etc. u know urself and ur habits better than anyone so work with and not against them!!

tl;dr: make a plan -> stick to the plan -> always deliver.

this was significantly funnier in my head aha.

[rn-pmount]

welcome to my blog :]

hiii im teddy, im 22 and im a nonbinary lesbian. he/it/she (if ur cool)

this blog is 18+. i do not really post ns/fw stuff but i would prefer adult only interaction, as i do rb some non sexual nudity and suggestive art.

i post *a lot*, i have a full queue that posts all day and i reblog with reckless abandon. i do not tag when i rb, tags are added later or while in queue for my own sorting reasons. i would tag things if anyone *needs* me to but i mostly quick rb so as of right now, nothing is tagged.

i run a really neat blog @teddys-digi-closet where i archive clothes i find online. i do rb everything posted there here (through queue mostly) so no pressure to follow both (or me at all lol) but im really proud of it so it would be cool if people checked it out :]

thats the general stuff, more cool deets about me + my current interests which will be half my reblogs will be under the keep reading.

divider made by me!!

i have headmates and they (mostly) all post here too. teddy is mostly our collective name so we are all good with being called it, teddy isnt really one person. those who mostly post here are winnifred, anna, theo and k 👍🏻

winnie, anna, and another headmate who doesnt post here also have blogs if anyone wants to hang out with just them more ^-^ but we are all pretty active on just this account. as i said above i dont post ns/fw here much but 2 of those blogs are for that so yea. if you want that stuff those are the blogs for you, hmu for the @!

i use to run my not so popular main: nurse-patsymount and the semi popular sideblog teddybearmombf before they were deleted, and even though its been about half a year, im still looking for a bunch of mutuals!! so if you remember me hiii

I'd love to make more friends, especially in person ones! not gonna doxx myself or anything but ive said on here before im from ontario, canada and i will always try my best to answer any dms! i kinda suck at talking to people online but im trying my best ^^"

right now (day this was posted) i am really into: fashion, history, fashion history, textile crafts (rn latch hook rugs and hand sewing), late victorian and early edwardian fashions and living, finding underground music, the 60s (mostly the fashion, architecture and decor), charli xcx, m.i.a., girls generation, fem&m, femtynal, 100 gecs, american dad, call the midwife, sending/receiving mail (moots wanna swap postcards? hmu!!)

okay uhmmm i think thats it! i also have a ko-fi if you would like to support me for funs or for my clothing blog ^-^ I also plan on selling prints of my art on there (or on a different site, i dunno yet!!)

[olderthannetfic]

I hope you dont mins me asking

But how would you suggest the best way to not be so anxious in fandoms these days.

It just seems like im going to be bullied out of fandom for even wanting to be in fandom. Regardless of the kind of content i like or how i like it. Its just seems like people who are in fandom dont want to themselves and not really about older or newer fans not wanting more new fans... Just.. They dont want fandom to exist at all anymore. If thta makes sense

Ive been in fandom for years but only recently bacame an adukt and now i really wanna start getting more involved.. I recently started a series oneshot fic thats gonna take alot of time.. But i havent even posted an actual chaoter yet and i am so afraid of gettijg a bunch of shit for it.

Its not meant to be anything explicit infact i made it very sfw bexause thats what i wanted.

But what of someone decides hey fuck you this sucks and now im going to make up reasons that your fic is (ableist, racist, homophobic stuff like that). And i just... I want to write.

Years ago i was in a much older fandom(transformers g1 if you can believe it) and it was so nice there. Maybe its because i was young but theres wasnt nearly so much anti bullshit that there is now especially in newer fandoms.

I know theres like block and ignore and delete comments but... I dont want to deal with it. And i probably know there isnt realky anytjing i can actually do about it

Its just so bad. I want to participate in fandom, but fandom is so terrible these days. Ive seen so many of my favorite artists fucking dissapear over being bullied for something they said years ago thats now considered "worthy of being tortured alive" for saying.

I just want it all to stop. I thought fandom would get better as it became more popular. Artists would have more freedom and stuff.

Instead im afraid im going to get bullied for a fucking teen rated gen fic with zero shipping, zero dark theme, and zero sex on the off chance someone thinks its not good enough. Suddenly its not appropriate for teenagers for some dumb reason

When i fucking was one two years ago. (like mate i was reading robot porn at ELEVEN)

Im so tired. I think the only good thing about the fandom im in is the fact the creators of the media are actually super chill and even supportive about fans selling fanworks and comms of characters and stuff

This was supoosed to be a simple question but ig im just so sick of how fandom is that i ended up ranting about it.

--

Getting more popular makes things much worse, not better.

But overall, anxiety is about you and your internal emotional state.

There was always danger of being attacked. It looks different now, but fear isn't more or less justified in the present day. The actual level of danger isn't the issue here.

[binalakai-archive]

in general actually now that i think about it. fandom as a whole is 95% the reason why i dont post my art online anymore/am very delayed when i end up doing it even if i do draw fanart. thats bc like. Dealing with reposters (esp back in my fionna n cake era i got rlly pissed off seeing my stuff reposted on TIKTOK of all places) on other social media or seeing shitty fucking discourse that ends up literal doxxing of mutuals ive lost contact with its like OR at its best its like... a dead tag with the last post being three months ago (usually with mos tof the stuff im into its this one)

i think my final straw honestly was watching how the "welcome home" fandom was handled. seeing how Parasocial people got with OC creators to the point of disrespecting someone's boundaries of "dont send me porn of my own ocs" or people straight up taking fictionkin to justify delusional harrassment over a story that isnt even OUT/FINISHED yet??? kinda hit too close to home to me with the deranged shit i had to deal with as a teenager haha. ahhaah.

but like literally. community online has lost its appeal. its just a bunch of hungry scavenger types n its like. unless the urge to get something out There to someone to listen to aches so bad that i have to reach out to hear likeminded people i like sticking to old school forums and private servers!!! at least if shitty beef happens its Contained n doesnt end up become like a Youtube Deep Dive or smth .

its tiring. im tired. im having late night thoughts onto what made me lose the motivation to keep in touch with an online space that used to mean the world to me but honestly ive found happiness elsewhere. n the only reason why im keeping tumblr atm is bc the thought of deleting it on a sour note/on the simple Urge to just give it the fuck up saddens me too much. i made too many happy memories here/it did genuinely HELP me at a time when i literally had nothing but ive feel like ive outgrown a lot of (modern) social media n im just trying to fit myself in the skin of something that feels suffocating to me.

[eldritchlani]

idk bro watch me spiral in real time 💀

-Behold, the longest pile of shit ever-

Mildly starting to think this whole thing was a mistake, and by beginning to post online, I've unleashed some ancient evil or a curse or something.

The only internet appearances I've ever had were like song timestamps on a small handful of yt playlists bc no one else had done them. I've only posted two comments on tiktok, one being a question and the other asking for oc lore bc their oc looked epic.

But like as SOON, i mean like the day after type of soon, as I actually start posting stuff, my life starts falling apart. 💀

And while yes, the interaction gives me a whole new type of dopamine, its kinda overwhelming. Which sounds stupid bc my account is tiny and doesnt get a bunch of traction. But it's still something I'm not used to whatsoever.

And its not that I don't post/interact online because of a fear of judgement or out of shyness, like I'm pretty confident irl when it comes to talking to people.

Ik it's just a lil pathetic, and I'm not looking for pity, but like I barely managed to get myself to join a small discord server I hardly even interact in, and it's even harder to stay in it.

There's nothing wrong with the server or the people in it, they are absolutely lovely people and made me feel welcome despite everything, i genuinely appreciate their niceness and everything else.

Even still, i just get this sinking feeling in my stomach, and istg it feels like I'm in fight or flight every time I'm about to send a message or hit post, even if its something completely normal and small. So I ignore them, which ik only makes it worse bc I feel even more alienated.

But I still force myself to stay in that server and not delete this entire stupid blog because it's probably good for me to get over whatever my problem is.

Speaking of this dumbass blog, the only reason I made it in the first place was because I had a small obsession over this one mha character and wanted to talk about him, then made like one post mentioning him and lost all inspiration.

Sad part is that this isnt even the first time this has happened. I have a whole ass private discord server where I'm the only member in it so I can throw my ideas and rants at the wall. Ik by now that my little obsessions only last a week or two before I move on and the excitement dies down like everything else before it.

Why couldn't this stupid thing stay in the discord server? No idea bro.

I should know by now that it doesn't matter what it is or how much I love it, I'm going to bet bored of it eventually, the feelings will fade, and I should just save future me the trouble and not even bother other people with it. That's why I don't post fanfics piece by piece, bc ik I'm going to drop it mid way through (if I even get that far) and might leave someone hanging.

Every hobby ive ever tried fails at some point or another, no matter how much I love it or how hard I try and stick to it. Feels like it doesn't matter what I do I always end up back in this awful limbo where I'm not really doing good, but I'm also not at my lowest. Ik its shitty, but sometimes I miss being at rock bottom because at least I had something to do, something to focus on and give a crap about, even if it was self destructive.

Why am I even posting this. I have a hard time answering honestly about how my day was to my closest friend, but ooh an entire sea of strangers and my feelings?? Totally fine, no problem.

Tbh it pisses me off a bit to think about, like what do you even think you're going to get from this? What do you want? What void do you think a stupid online space is going to fill in you? Is this some stupid plea for attention bc 'mommy didnt love me enough 🥺' when you were the one who screwed things over for yourself?

18 years and you haven't done a single good thing for yourself. You pass up every opportunity to better your life for no other reason than sheer laziness and you know it. But being self aware doesn't make things better or make you more of a good person. You're just a stupid jackass that happens to know what he's doing. Maybe that makes it worse tbh.

I've gotten to the point where I'm too tired to even argue with myself when I say I'm a bad person. Yes, I'm a horrible, evil, worthless sack of shit.

....Ok and?

I have like 70 more years of this crap before it's all finally over. I'm stuck here until further notice, so why be miserable about how awful it is the whole time. That takes more energy than I have to offer.

I'm an awful, evil, person, and I'm ok with that. I haven't broken my own personal moral code and I don't care if I've broken someone else's by not interacting with every single 'please don't scroll' on tiktok.

My heart goes out to every single one of those people. Every family, parent, child, and animal, but jesus fuck all I can do is keep myself alive rn ok? it is taking everything in me every single fucking day not to just end it.

Will I likely delete this by morning? Yeah. Am I still posting it? Ofc, why not, who cares.

....Future me cares. But they're a bitch so

[goatlingsvent]

🎗️yes, you could. and like i get that this was supposed to be some kind of big "gacha" moment but like. i dont know how else to explain that like, some people are kind and respectful. like i know the world is shit and on fire, and i know this blog is a gigantic cesspool of hate most of the time, but ive been in a lot of spaces with a lot of different people and like idk maybe i just dont hang around pieces of shit but for the most part we do actually try to accomodate people even if its inconvienant or annoying. but i guess what im finding out is that this community actually isnt as progressive and accepting as it pretends to be and is actually full of a bunch of shitty conservative assholes who suck as people i know someone who was triggered by hands and in a server of 80+ people we would all spoiler pics with hands in them. drawings, videos, real life pics of us holding stuff, selfies, literally any pic where you could see someones hands. and everyone just did it and it really wasnt a big deal and nobody really gave a fuck. it took pretty much zero effort, sometimes someone would forget and then theyd delete the pic and reupload it with the spoiler, it took like, less than a minute to correct. nobody bitched and moaned or complained. we just respected this person and their trauma and we spoilered the fucking images like normal people

🎱

[daedalusdavinci]

mass deletion

hey just doing my due diligence and letting ppl know that i deleted most of the old concept art off of my da, with a few exceptions (primarily the jdau and in their shadows series), and also deleted a bunch of old fics off of my ao3, including the hunted & caught series and most of my long hs fics. so if you go looking for something and its not there, my bad, that was me.

ill put more info about that under the cut, including what was deleted

ultimately, the stuff i deleted just wasnt sparking joy anymore, and im at a point where i feel like ill feel better having a more crisp account w stuff i can be proud of. i did like the art i had up, but ai is freaking me out, man, and id rather have less stealable content up so i wanted to condense. that said, ill address a few things in detail below

old pjo fics

i believe among these were takeout and summer heat. these fics are so damn old. theyre just so old. you know how it is with old fics, man. sometimes you just gotta prune so new stuff can grow. not to worry, tho, the jasico roadtrip stuff is all still up

hunted & caught series

i deleted the whole thing. all of it. i like it still conceptually but ive been thinking for a long time that i couldve done it better and id like to just clear room for me to revisit that idea in the future. if i do, i want to lean more into the monster side of things, i think, and make dave a whole lot less human and a whole lot more creepy. also these fics never passed 5 comments and most of them were from me and eri, so. didnt think theyd be missed.

aamfh (& aspec aspects)

thats right. i deleted one of my most popular fics of all time, and most of its sequels. you can see the full list of deleted shit on the masterpost. its old and my writing makes me cringe and its been haunting me for years that i didnt make different choices with it. i also took down all the concept art bc there was a lot of it and while i still like it it feels more appreciated in my private gcs with friends. dunno if its just bc ppl dont have da but i had absolutely no comments or likes on any of it and it seemed like no one would miss it. about the same w most of the sequels, they werent very popular.

tactical retreat

similar to ammfh, i just feel like ive outgrown a lot of the ideas that were running through my head when i wrote this fic. i dont regret as much, but i just dont care to have it around and visible online anymore.

level 2 & crow strider-lalonde-leijon

they were simply too cringe. while i stand by everything i wrote, more or less, and think they were written well, they were niche and cringe and probably ooc and best appreciated by my circle of besties who share my brainrot. its not my fault the world isnt ready for my genius ideas about sprites and doomed characters yet, but the fact remains that the world is not ready. half of my comments were always people saying smthn to the effect of "i dont usually like this stuff/i dont get it but this is cool" and i feel like those are pretty fair summaries.

that said im not deleting the guardians au. i dont care that its even less popular and even more cringe and way more confusing youre all just wrong and eridve rules. suck it. this is a theater with me and eri in it and no one else and im putting on the performance of a lifetime

other misc stuff

other deleted fics include forest fire (matches/two face), old friend (harvey/batman), and falling (erisol/davesprte)

other deleted art includes non-canon jdau art, mituna & latula concept art for hold me (accountable), concept art for hollow americana, concept art for spill, art of jake and dirk from in their shadows, all aspec aspects concept art, & all hunted & caught concept art. remaining art includes: jdau concept art (including jason character sheet, jason & harvey, and older jason & harvey), concept art for hal and equius from hold me (accountable), and concept art for jane, dirk, roxy, and jake from in their shadows

undesired tumblr drabbles have been made unrebloggable and had their tags removed, though i wont bother deleting them since its pointless on tumblr

concluding thoughts

if you have comments, questions, whatever abt anything i deleted, you can hit me up about it and ill answer. masterlists and tags and etc will all be updated accordingly soon after posting

[theraincloudcollective]

things have been wild but may be back

i gotta say looking back at everything ive put on this account before makes me want to delete it all but thats irrelevant

so updates on existing, been too the doctors and diagnosed with a bunch of stuff and the meds help mostly so thats nice, on t-blockers but not estrogen which if u dont know causes hormone deficiency makes anxiety and depression worse, or if u didnt have it before well u do now

so working on getting on that but since my last message i have joined several communities to really help me figure out who i am and made alot of great friends, i also have a better idea of my affection towards other so thats cool other then being panromantic makes platonic affection nerve wracking

also i guess im a collective now? or i guess we, we just end up using which ever comes out at the time and thats also been a massive thing that i only really feel safe sharing here as im not exactly someone who will be seen, also constantly fear that im faking it so das cool, im told if im afraid im faking something likely that means im not but easier said then understood

anyway the actual news that isnt venting, ive been writing a D&D 5e world from scratch for people to make campaigns in this is called the "Datalus Project" and while it will be publicly available eventually it will be a long time as this is a bit of a passion project to have something to do, meaning im going way overboard on new mechanics a new class and lore, factions, even currency

if ur curious in it i do technically have a discord i made for both streaming and datalus but itll take a while before i can actually do alot of stuff with it, if u wanna find the discord its something u can find in my twitch bio links just search for theRaincloud

anyway all of this beside, i hope the days are kind darlings, make sure to be kind to yourself and others and take care ~Queen Rainy iv

[dirk-has-rabies]

Gender variance and it's link with neurodivergency

Okay so this is it going to be another long one

All quotes will be sourced with a link to the scientific journal I took it from

Okay Tumblr, let's talk gender (I know, your favorite topic) my preface on why this topic matters to me is: I'm autistic ( diagnosed moderate to severe autism) I'm nonbinary trans ( in a way that most non-autistic people don't understand and actually look down on)  and I went to college for gender study ( Mostly for intersex studies but a lot of my research was around non-binary and trans identities) I will be using the term autism as pants when I have experience with however when ADHD is part of the study I will use ND which stands for neurodivergent and yes this is going to be about xenogenders and neopronouns.

autism can affect gender the same way autism can affect literally every part of an identity. a big thing about having autism is the fact that it completely can change how you view personhood and time and object permanence and gender and literally all types of socially constructed ideas. let me also say hear that just because Society creates and enforces an idea does it mean that it doesn't exist to all people it just me that there is no nature law saying that it's real and the “rules” for these ideas can change and delete and create as time and Society evolves and changes.  gender is one of those constructs.

Now I'll take it by you reading this you know what transgender people are  (if you don't understand what a trans person is send me an ask and I'll type you up a pretty little essay lmao,  or Google it but that's a scary thought sense literally any Source or website can come up on Google including biased websites so be careful I guess LOL) anyway to be super basic trans people are anyone who doesn't identify as the gender they were assigned at Birth (yes that includes non-binary people I could do a whole nother essay about that shit how y'all keep spreading trying to separate non-binary people from the trans umbrella)  some people don't like to use the label and that is totally fine by the way.

now autistic people to view the world in a way differently than allistic (neurotypical) ppl do.  we don't take everything people teach us at 100% fact and we tend to question everything and demand proof and evidence for things before we can set it as a fact in our brains. This leads to why a lot of autistic people are atheist (although a lot of religions and this is not bashing on religious people at all I am actually a Jewish convert)  this questioning leads to a lot of social constructs being ignored or not understood At All by a lot of autistic people and personally I think that's a good thing.  allistics take everything their parents and teachers and schools teach them as fact until someone else says something and then they pick which ones to believe. autistic people study and research and learn about a topic before forming an opinion and while this may lead to them studying and believing very biased material and spitting it out as fact it can also lead them to try and Discover it is real by themselves.

because of this autistic people are more question their gender or not fall in a binary way at all as the concept of gender makes no sense to a lot of us. “ if gender is a construct then autistic people who are less aware of social norms are less likely to develop a typical gender identity”

no really look: “ children and teens with autism spectrum disorder ASD or Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder ADHD  are much more likely to express a wish to be the opposite sex compared with their typical developing peers” That was posted in 2014. we have been saying this stuff forever but no one wants to listen. the thing is gender variance (being not cisgender or at least questioning it)  has always been closely hand-in-hand with autistic and ADHD people I'm even the doctor who did that study understood right away that it all made sense the whole time: “ Dr. Strang said they were initially surprised to find an overrepresentation of gender variance among children with ADHD. However, they later realized that prior studies have shown increased levels of disruptive behavior and other behavioral problems among young people with gender variance”  SEE YOURE NOT WEIRD YOURE JUST YOU AND YOURE NOT ALONE IN THIS!!

5% autistic people who did the study were trans or questioning. it was also equal between the Sexes fun fact. that may not seem like a lot till you realize that the national average is only .7% that's literally over 700% higher than the national average. That's so many! and that's just in America.

 in Holland there was a study in 2010 “ nearly 8% of the more than 200 Children and adolescents referred to a clinic for gender dysphoria also came up positive on a assessment for ASD” they weren't even testing for ADHD so the numbers could be even higher!

now I want to talk about a  certain section of the trans umbrella that a lot of autistic people fall under called the non-binary umbrella. non-binary means anything that isn't just male or just female. it is not one third gender and non-binary doesn't mean that you don't have a gender. just clearing that up since cis people keep spreading that. non-binary is an umbrella term for any of the infinite genders you could use or create. now this is where I'm going to lose a bunch of you and that's okay because you don't have to understand our brains or emotions To respect us as real people. not many allistics can understand how we see and think and relate to things and that's okay you don't have to understand everything but just reading about this could be so much closer to respecting us for Who We Are from you've ever been and that's better than being against us just for existing.

now you might have heard of my Mutual Lars who was harassed  by transmeds for using the term Autigender (I was going to link them but if it gets traction I don't want them to get any hate)  since a lot of people roll their eyes at that  and treated them disgustingly for using a term that 100% applied correctly.  Autigender  is described as " a neurogender which can only be understood in the context of being autistic or when one's autism greatly affects one's gender or how one experiences gender. Autigender is not autism as a gender, but rather is a gender that is so heavily influenced by autism that one's autism and one's experience of gender cannot be unlinked.” Now tell me that doesn't sound a lot like this entire essay I've been working on with full sources…..

xenogenders and neopronouns are a big argument point on whether or not people “believe” in non binary genders but a big part of those genders is that they originated from ND communities and are ways that we can try to describe what gender means us in a way that cis or even allistic trans people just can't comprehend or ever understand. Same with MOGAI genders or sexualities. A lot of these are created as a way to somehow describe an indescribable relationship with gender that is so personal you really cant explain it to anyone who isnt literally the same as you.

Even in studies done with trans autistic people a large amount of them dont even fall on a yes or no of having a gender at all and fall in some weird inbetween where you KINDA have a gender but its not a gender in the sense that others say it is but its also too much of a gender so say youre agender. And this is the kind of stuff that confuses allistic trans people and makes them think nonbinary genders are making stuff up for attention, which isnt true at all we just cant explain what it feels like to BE a trans autistic person to anyone who doesnt ALREADY know how it feels.

In this study out of the ppl questioned almost HALF of the autistic trans individuals had a “Sense of identity revolving around interests” meaning their gender and identity was more based off what they liked rather than boy or girl. That makes ppl with stuff like vampgender or pupgender make a lot more sense now doesnt it? We see that even in the study: “My sense of identity is fluid, just as my sense of gender is fluid […] The only constant identity that runs through my life as a thread is ‘dancer.’ This is more important to me than gender, name or any other identifying features… even more important than mother. I wouldn't admit that in the NT world as when I have, I have been corrected (after all Mother is supposed to be my primary identification, right?!) but I feel that I can admit that here. (Taylor)” and an agreement from another saying “Mine is Artist. Thank you, Taylor. (Jessie)” now dont you think if they grew up with terms like artistgender or dancergender they would just YOINK those up right away????

In fact “An absence of a sense of gender or being unsure of how their gender should “feel” was another common report” because as ive said before in this post AUTISTIC PEOPLE DONT SEE GENDER THE WAY ALLISTIC PEOPLE SEE IT. therefore we wont use the same terms or have the same identities nor could we explain it to anyone who doesnt already understand or question the same way! Participants even offered up quotes such as “As a child and even now, I don't ‘feel’ like a gender, I feel like myself and for the most part I am constantly trying to figure out what that means for me (Betty)” and also “I don't feel like a particular gender I'm not even sure what a gender should feel like (Helen)”

Now i know this isnt going to change everyones minds on this stuff but i can only hope that it at least helped people feel like theyre not broken and not alone in their feelings about this. You dont have to follow allistic rules. You dont have to stop searching inside for who you really wanna be. And you dont have to pick or choose terms forever because just as you grow and evolve so may your terms. Its okay to not know what or who you are and its okay to identify as nonhuman things or as your interests because what you love and what you do is a big part of who you are and shapes you everyday. Its not a bad thing! Just please everyone, treat ppl with respect and if you dont understand something that doesnt make it bad or wrong it just means its not for you. And thats okay.

[yoonlixstars]

skz reaction to their s/o feeling insecure

genre:  fluff, smut? and more fluff

Pairing: skz x reader

word count: idk

Note (please read): someone went anon and asked me that write like a 14 year old, and how old am i. im sorry, i think i lied to you guys. (not like i am famous) i am a minor. im not 15 nor 14 nothing like that. i guess you could say im good at writing? im not saying my age in an app where so many people could see it, and i know maybe tumblr isnt for minors, but i really like writing these storys. and even tho i contain like smut and few bad words, i dont want you to think i am disrespectful and mean. i responded to the person, but then i deleted it. but if the person is reading this. you have your answer:) and i hope it doesnt change anything. anyways. on with the story. enjoy! 

Chan

Chan would be extremely sad

knowing the way you feel about yourself

He’d come come up to you and tell you like

“your body is beautiful, i don’t get how you could be insecure?”

he’d try to tell you bunch of stuff

but you’d still be insecure

until later he’d come up to you

eyes puffy and red from crying

so you’d ask him what’s wrong

and chan will just respond with a like 

“babe you don’t know how much it hurts me to know you think of yourself like that.”

what he said would bring tears to your eyes

and then you stop being insecure

because he helped you love yourself

Minho

lets all be honest on this one

he would be like

“okay fine, if thats how you think about yourself then ill bring you back to your senses.”

and...

yea a lot happened that night.

Changbin

do i even need to say it?

Noisiest Bitch™

to tell you your beautiful

like

fr tho

hed be yelling like

“Y/N! Why do you say THAAAAAAAAAT, *scream* YOUR BEAUTIFULLLL! *scream*”

once again

Noisiest Bitch™ (no offense changbin)

PERIODT.

Jisung

would act super dramatic

Drama Queen™

but Hyunjin is still our drama llama:)

i feel like he would act very heart broken and betrayed

hed be like

“y-y/n, i-i feel b-betrayed.... w-why a-are y-you insecure? Your beautiful the way you are!”

so you just have to call yourself beautiful

or his drama act would go on:)

Hyunjin

would be very sad

like chan

but he’d noticed you weren’t eating well

so hed ask you like

“are you okay? You havent been eating well these past few days.” He just kept on asking you questions

so you basically had to say what has been bugging you

and once youd tell him

his face would become serious

and he wuld just stare at you blankly

hed tell you like

“tomorrow, were going to have a serious talk....”

and yea..

(dont take it the wrong way, they just had a talk)

Felix

he’d be very sad

but later hed take you out

to the mall

to buy ice cream

or to even buy you some clothes

until youd feel better

(why is Felix so cute I-)

Seungmin

(cutest piece of human ive ever seen-)

okay

hed just put on a k-drama for you?

or some funny videos

and you two would just stay there for hours

until youd feel better

and after he would bake you some cookies!

I.N

idk how he would react

lets just say hed be happy :)

[stvllioner]

TW: MENTIONS OF DISCOURSE, GR//MING, P/D/PHILIA, ASS//LT, C//NSENT, D//RK CONTENT.

- this isnt under a read more because i want people to read this, but please read past this/tread carefully if you cannot handle such topics. this is not meant to be interacted with.

I'm not sure how to really go about this. I've been overthinking if I should address this and bring up some stuff while I've been gone, so sorry the absence. I deleted the tumblr app a few days ago and I downloaded it again today so i could post this. I really don't like making posts like this because it cuts the vibe that I've been trying to portray that everything is okay and it makes me feel really disconnected to you guys. I am sorry for the abrupt absence and cutting off any source of communication between us. I knew if I left any form of direct line of talk to me that I would receive hate and I just mentally decided that I cant sit through being harassed right now.

Have you guys ever paid attention to the same people who always have a statement to say or is always in discourse? It's very telling how everyone can post about me, but I shouldnt dare post about them. I'm tired of not being able to post about what I want without people vague posting about me, bringing me up every time they start another discourse with another writer or directly talking about me. My days on here are starting to feel the same. Its good then it goes bad. Good goes bad and bad goes good. It's not even tiring, annoying, or angering -- its repetitive. When I'm not saying anything people create fake stories about me, and when i speak about it im the one starting discourse. Don't get me wrong, I'm nowhere near perfect and I have made my own mistakes. But why the fuck am I always being told to be the mature one, why am I the one who should've done better, why do you people expect so much from me. It's the fact people are always quick to say, "no one cares about you, youre fishing for attention" when they're the ones who vague and interact with me while ive been minding my business for months now. Hm. The fact people have me proudly blocked but still harass me anyways shows a lot about themselves than it does for me. How its such an issue that im a minor until it comes to demonizing, tearing down my character, gaslighting, lying and bullying. I'm a literal example of how their friend group manipulates their followers and exiles people from fandoms for not kissing their ass. except now its in your face.

Consider this my last post about this discourse. I'm not going to waste my time on people who fail to digest other peoples thoughts and opinions time and time again because theyre weak narcissists. If I so choose to decide to shit post my opinions or argue with someone, none of you should be aggravated or moved by it because youre not even supposed to be on my page. If its not something serious i will not be wasting energy that i can be using to build on myself as a growing person than on miserable old ladies that have to use fanfiction to have excitement in their pity, depressing and lackluster lives. If people so do choose to create stories or vague about me, I do not care. So I ask respectfully to people who do lurk on my page to not attempt to message, post or vague about me please. This includes sending anons to yourself to make shit happen.

Past that, something got me thinking. My (older) friend had showed me screenshots of adult writers (no one i have spoken to) that were very excited to write underaged reader with adult characters. There are other instances where writers (that you have probably read from) on here openly made reader underage while aging characters up as adults/with adults. There are many more but there's really no point in listing them nor do I really care. But least to say, the same people who are gung-ho over these pedophilic themes/stories are the same people who support predatory people.

I've been thinking about whether or not i should continue writing for the students anymore. Granted, I still think they're attractive because one snap of the fingers cant stop that. I had been teetering on this thought for awhile because of how borderline pedophilic the people are here towards my age group. I enjoy writing but not to the point of willingly being in a straight line of sight where people who are well over 16 are harassing me and lurking on my page, especially to other minors solely because they are my friends. Backtracking to the statement before, I honestly dont know if I will either stop writing or just for the students as a whole. It shows that clearly some people are using their attraction to teens with the excuse that the characters are fake. The rapid normalization on dark problematic "kinks" is disgusting and vile, and the fact that its discourse now to shame said interests is appalling. Concluding that combined with my experiences here, i feel unsafe.

***(TRIGGER WARNING)*** I dont talk about my personal life on here that much cause I dont see the need too nor do i think its anyone's business. Paired with the fact that the people i have trusted personal information with have used it against me, I will be preventing myself from opening that door. Besides that for now, I have sparsely shared I've been assaulted before. This is my first time really opening up about this and i kind of find it necessary now. Coming from someone who has been a victim of assault and CP by people my age and well over, writing nsfw has been the only way where I could feel comfortable with sex in general. I won't get into details because mentioning this is triggering already and can make people uncomfortable. It feels like anywhere I go, I'm constantly putting myself in a position to be abused. The same people who told me I didn't have to worry about my age and be judged for it, exposed the minimum comfort of keeping myself private online to demonize, judge and hurt me. People call me "extra" for being distraught about my face and age being posted because they think im trying to be sneaky which isn't the case. Its the principle that they KNEW I wasnt ready to share said things, and coming from someone who is inherently a private and closed person, she knew damn well what she was doing when posting screenshots of me on Tumblr. There is no excuse for it. The same writers who write dub/non-con can BARELY understand basic consent and its fucking terrifying. This site was the only other place I could cope without being criticized. To see people who some i was close to proudly lie on my name, (adults) say that i sent them pornographic content without their consent is so very hurtful. To watch people supposedly be victims and then use their own trauma to invalidate my own was so fucking humiliating, disgusting and nerve wracking. Although I knew I made the terrible decision to interact with stories, I have never initiated any NSFW discussion with anyone in DMs unless they did it with me first and a few times -- and trust me raise your hand I'll show you the proof. I was sure that everyone I talked to regularly knew that I was a minor, and to my general consensus, people were under the impression I was 15/16 (which I was and am).***

Whether it be victim blaming from the grooming discourse, I've been met with racism, harassment towards my friends, people wanting me to harm myself and be assaulted. I fear what will happen when i will turn 18, if the harassment will escalate and what not. A big part of me is that I'm still here anyways because it pisses people off and I don't care when I receive hate. I can take it but I don't want it. A good conscious of me knows that I should be doing what's best for me but at the end I'm still attached to my ego-self with the added fact that I sincerely enjoy interacting with my followers and posting stories.

I just don't know how the options look. I'll probably be updating my blog rules as of right now. I've been writing more sfw lately because of this and it'd be nice if you guys supported those until I properly decide. I still have plenty of requests of a bunch of characters (mostly Bakugo and Dabi) and original stuff (all sfw & nsfw) that I really wanna share with you guys. But I just ask that what I do modify that you will respect it like you would to any other writer on here.

Stay safe, keep your mask on, and thank you.

[tumblunni]

UUUUUUUGH i think i give up on Lobotomy Corporation

It sucks cos i love the style ans the world and the monsters and the deep lore but just yhe gameplay is too difficult and not really the sort of thing i enjoy

I had a similar experience with Oxygen Not Included, i racked up SO MANY hours playing it in early access and then they added so much more complicated features in the final release. Stuff that require math skill and rememberibg a million things at once and multitasking real fast in a real time gameplay. And it just throws you straight in with no learning curve and a bad tutorial thats just a text dump of nonsense. I know i could probably understand this gameplay EVENTUALLY and ive definately managed to master way more complicated stuff in other games before. Hell ive even been able to grasp a game that made up complicated new words for basic gameplay concepts! (SMT and all its megidoloan stuff) But they introduced concepts gradually once you had a chance to grasp the first damn concept, and gave you ANY GODDAMN DIRECTION WHATSOEVER! I know i struggled on certain smt games that lacked a decent turorial and was only able to get better at it after going thru more newbie friendly ones. Like not even necessaerily the easier ones just the ones that ACTUALLY EXPLAINED

And now ive just lost all goddamn motivation to go look up videos and ask friends and stuff to learn better, cos WTF MY GAME WAS ERASED

Fuckin hell the lack of explainyness is so much!!

I got stumped on getting past goddamn day three and then i accidentally clicked 'retry from memory repositorium' instead of just 'retry' and theres fuckin not even a warning that that awkwardly worded option means DELETE SAVE FILE AND RESTART THE ENTIRE GAME :(

Apparantly it keeps all the data files youve completed for abnormalities youve already seen, and all the weapons and equipment you got. But destroys all of your characters and wipes the levels from the one single default dude that remains. :( i just finished kitting out a full team and got a bunch of the appearance modifier rare drops and stuff :( i already miss my cute birb wings :(

Ehh im sure once ive calmed down i'll be able to start over again but man that really pissed me off. And it sucks cos its clear the game's confusingness isnt really an intentional decision to explain things poorly but just a not very accurate translation from korean. Theyve improved it from the early access version but its still super confusing and i feel bad that i cant understand it cos theyre clearly trying their best and probably affording any sort of professional dubbers was out of the budget of such a small project. I hope it continues becoming popular!!

[somnilogical]

petty bitch

[22:58] somni: this body is really pretty 2 me rn [23:14] somni: that lasted 16 minutes [23:59] somni: okay this is super petty but im kind of annoyed that porpentine

>talks big about the experience of being ugly and gross >has a fleshform thats amazingly pretty

i feel so betrayed??? (i dont actually feel betrayed, i just feel i want to be pretty)

i wanna be pretty so bad

i wish i could stop wanting to look pretty and okay

ill probably end up having an abstract n dimensional figure if i have a form. idk if id still use a vision analogue in simspace

liike non-passing -> passing as 10000-dimensional representation of parts of my psyche

i kind of wish i could look nice in the middle(edited) 24 March 2018 [00:00] somni: kind of sad but at least i look better than i did before hormones [00:42] somni: okay

i think ill acknowledge petty and hug her but not let her front because letting things front makes them stronger? [00:43] somni: i think. ive read this no strong experience corroborating it with 2 sec of thought [00:45] SmolDuck: I think uhhh It’s important to try to like make sure all your subagents have their needs met and letting them front can lead to them taking care of their needs and then going to bed and leaving you be, while keeping them from fronting can lead to them going crazy and driving you nuts [00:45] SmolDuck: it can also lead to them sabotaging things tho so [00:47] somni: i knoooow mertl i originally wrote ‘fork’ [00:47] somni: because i also thought that and wasnt sure!! [00:48] somni: this is actually a hard choice for me,!,! [00:48] somni: but specifically petty i will ask her what is up [00:48] SmolDuck: sounds like you might want to gather experimental data by trying each path and seeing how it goes [00:48] somni: and not go autobloodlet [00:49] somni: hmmmmmm its haaard to be systemic about this thouuuugh thats a cached thought and may be #invalid [00:50] somni: (all thoughts are valid ooohh bb im so sorry for saying that omg. what was i thinking) [00:51] somni: i think the cached thought might be inaccurate [00:52] SmolDuck: nodnod [00:52] SmolDuck: outdated [00:52] SmolDuck: obsolete [00:53] somni: i want to try reinforcing things that i want to be stronger hmmmmmmmm [00:53] somni: merrr and talk privately with the other voices?

that would annoy me if people did that tho [00:54] somni: less so if they listened and changed policies based on my input? [00:55] somni: idk i dont like to declare things conserved quantities, because particular kind of zero sum thinking can cause lock in…. in most people i dont think it would lock me in because im actually good at noticing this

but it does seem like these two things trade off(edited) [00:56] SmolDuck: Hmmmmm [00:57] SmolDuck: Gentle reminder that this is not at all a private location for talking to your voices [00:59] somni: this is true [01:00] somni: the voices are #screaming tho and i gotta process

so like i thiiink that i want to be able to shift between these states depending on a thing but i d k what the thing is [01:01] SmolDuck: External cue? [01:02] somni: like between the states of letting everymodule out and trying to reinforce what ecosystem i want to have (who i want to beee) [01:03] somni: im keeping this post https://radimentary.wordpress.com/2018/01/16/the-solitaire-principle-game-theory-for-one/ in the back of my mind as a guiding framework when i say this(edited) [01:05] somni: and have been thinking of incentivizing and reinforcing parts of me i want (different but not disjoint from what i find pretty) [01:10] somni: i was also thinking of the process by which i passively gain most of my updates in personality traits and aesthetics and beliefs

where you have:

evaluate {laugh, aesthetic response, ooh i like it!} inspect for coherence with other parts (okay i often skip over this but also sometimes do it here instead of later) mirror the thing i like reinforce pattern by imitating independently let other people who have the pattern do discernment on your imitation, take criticism [01:11] somni: –

its like getting minor updates on all your programs nbd. passive growth / expansion [01:13] somni: –

but this is like directed towards growth and change which is different from being okay with and acknowledging the parts you currently have… except its not?

not really? not the way i do it

i mean yes its a different process but i d k if the two actually trade off in me when i do this thing

i was. autocompleting from memories of others subjective experience reports [01:13] somni: hmmmmmmmm [01:15] somni: i could probably both accept parts of me while reinforcing other parts at the same time [01:15] somni: meeevvvvvvvv okay so the thing nathan said is also a good observation that we also noted [01:15] somni: wanna address that [01:16] SmolDuck: wait which thing [01:16] SmolDuck: I say a lot of things [01:16] SmolDuck: fully half of them are framed to sound insightful but are actually kind of bullshit [01:16] somni: I think uhhh It’s important to try to like make sure all your subagents have their needs met and letting them front can lead to them taking care of their needs and then going to bed and leaving you be, while keeping them from fronting can lead to them going crazy and driving you nuts [01:16] SmolDuck: oh, yeah that one I endorse [01:16] somni: me too! [01:16] somni: i think!! [01:17] SmolDuck: ……uh [01:17] SmolDuck: if you did disagree, what would your disagreement be? is maybe a good way to find out [01:18] somni: let me think

ummm i might want to ask the subagent what its going to do [01:18] somni: if it fronts and talk with it [01:20] somni: but idk why do the council of elders have to be in concordance before i do anything

they dont thats literally not how you work

but i mean like in the ideal, or like in this ideal

we talked with person about how we have the council of all the parts of you, they talk it out and give their cases and then if their cases dont agree with you, you throw them out and do what you wanna do(edited) [01:21] somni: um! ！！ [01:21] somni: there are like three different alerts saying that’s wrong [01:22] somni: >yeah but one of them is our sim of nathan’s reaction so we can throw it out [01:22] SmolDuck: I endorse that [01:23] SmolDuck: if you want my reaction I can give it to you directly [01:23] SmolDuck: if you don’t want my reaction, toss your simmed version [01:23] somni: omg okay i miiight endorse this way of choosing

it is consonant with the way of choosing where to live where you have a bunch of spreadsheets and crunch the numbers and if in the end you dont like what the numbers say, throw them out and move where you wanna [01:24] somni: but its important to deliberate first because figuring out what choice you want to make is not always clear [01:26] somni: but also sidenote most choices branch out and then converge to roughly the same endpoint and for these you can actually do whatever you want without consideration as long as you can identify this sort of structure well [01:29] somni: um this is related to impulsive longsightedness where you mentally model the state of your body 1 day in the future and see that you are more or less safe invariant over a wide range of actions. so you are free to do fun and weird stuff. (that often looks really impulsive and reckless to people who are running shortsighted or people running 24hr!longsighted but who occupy a different epistemic state. but ime most of the objections and autoresponses come from people running shortsighted.)(edited) [01:32] somni: –

ooookaaay coming back to… what was the thing before the branch?

how to choose!

you have a bunch of voices in your head! how do we determine how fronting works and whats a good idea and how to pursue goals

and whose goals matter and how the system will grow and change and what parts of it to practice

okay stating it right here, evermodule’s goals matter [01:32] somni: >matter

like every module gets to be heard [01:50] somni: hmmmmm

this looks like a Project

okay!

so i want to be able to direct my growth #VALID

i also want to be able to tend to the parts of me [like id tend to a garden] #VALID

i dont have to maintain and reinforce things i dont want to grow in to #VALID what?! how is this valid??

>so look if i grow into new things and go in new directions, old things that are depricaded kind of iwhrvissh… i want to say fade away but idk what happens. they stop existing as much. stop being as available and salient?

i think there’s an important distinction between actively going around optimizing for killing parts of you. and like growing outwards into something new and the old stuff doesnt get that much reinforcement anymore because you cant hold on to everything, and even of i could i don’t want to?

some old parts are depricaded because they are clearly inferior on all fronts from their replacement, some because im not that interested anymore

maybe this is deathism? (mer what is it doing that causes harm though?) i may want to keep more in the gtf but not everything. though rn i want a memory with no non-con deletions [02:01] somni: -

okay

i want to be able to reinforce stuff i like and grow  directedly

um does this mean things that want to cant go out to play sometimes?

wait okay i think we are talking about different things because there are a lot of desires and stuff that you cant make die by not feeding them? the will to masturbate under t being one of them

i feel there’s a distinction between the thing you are talking about and other sorts of values and desires that are embedded in people.

um im addressing both the hard to get rid of and the more ephemeral things like 'hi im workethic bot!’…. my work ethic, when i have it does not sound like that but okay. and also 'work ethic’ isnt a native concept??? it isnt part of us yet but i know it as a thing that is part of other people.

maybe its part of us but havent really processed what 'work ethic’ is in internal terms when people use it. i think we have something different than the median meaning of work ethic but also it could be projected down to 'work ethic’ for legibility and people would still be able to follow most sentences i would output with the concept. …. given that i also worked to make the other stuff 'legible’. i hate the word 'legible’ now!!!

>why tho?

it is overused and i feel like you papered over subtleties there and there are more good details. buuuut ill think about this later. [02:07] somni: -

okay!

back to what i was thinking about. i think that

>i

k, lotsa agents up in this skull

stilll we think directed growth is nice and i think im okay with letting parts be deprecated

so a core problem here is that fronting does more than one thing!!!

so far im tracking two things i think fronting does:

(1) lets a module take full control of the body so it can get its needs met (2) reinforces the strength of the module [02:08] somni: -

autoquestion: (can we seperate these things?) are there other ways to let a module get its needs met besides fronting? are there ways to reinforce the strength of modules without fronting?(edited) [02:11] somni: @SmolDuck also im on 20 mg moda which i think accounts for a bit of why im Like This. but ooh! what do you think about the separability of the things? [02:14] SmolDuck: Hmmmmm [02:14] somni: ill take some l theanine to help CALM and help the comedown process go smoothly

(i think im coming down a bit) (im p sure this is moda comedown qualia) [02:15] SmolDuck: It depends on the need [02:15] SmolDuck: Seraph does better the less they front, currently [02:15] SmolDuck: the little one needs gentleness and respect [02:16] somni: nodnod [02:17] SmolDuck: if their need is like, 'attention’ they might need to front to get that fulfilled [02:17] SmolDuck: if their need is 'feeling safe’ then they can do that without fronting [02:17] SmolDuck: in my personal experience, ymmv, ianad, etv [02:18] somni: (i think im only a little more than median fragmented but of people in my fragmentation reference class im a LOT more self-aware of the thing) [02:18] somni: nod

hmmm [02:21] somni: you are very focused on taking care of parts and this is good and a thing to do…….

i dont think im as attached to parts-as-they-are but like parts that are anthropically called into existence because they can optimize over a thing (like if a module for containing anxiety isnt good at it, it sort of dies and is replaced with a new pattern; whatever anxiety containment module i have after a bit is a result of an iterative process like this*)

hmmmmmm

i do care about their welfare, but i think i care about them differently?? its hard to put my finger on(edited) [02:24] somni: *i also have spiritual feelings about this wrt people. where problems form voids in space to be filled by people who have shaped themselves to solve the problem [02:25] SmolDuck: hmmmm [02:26] somni: <i <l<3ve3 my spiritual feelings3 [02:31] somni: liike i think okayness works differently when parts of you keep getting replaced and this is standard operating procedure

whereas your parts seem like humans who eat soup and live in a village together and talk

and less like theyll quickly die and be replaced with another thing when the problem shifts [02:31] SmolDuck: nod [02:31] somni: wow okay i have low confidence in this model of my structure but it is like 1/3 right [02:31] somni: maybe 2/3? [02:32] SmolDuck: ………idek if any of us like soup [02:33] somni: hm i meant soup as a stand in for comfort and eating [02:33] SmolDuck: Ahhh [02:33] SmolDuck: I think we like clam chowder [02:35] somni: also im on moda so a lot of the descriptions will be biased towards mania / inducing in me a visceral sense of motion i thiink (die and be replaced is motion-y) [02:35] SmolDuck: ahh [02:35] somni: oooh…. everyone likes clam chowder? [02:38] SmolDuck: yeah [02:38] SmolDuck: some things, we all like, cause they’re pleasant for our body [02:40] somni: wheeew

this is better than last time

wait last time was 50 mg; okay i feel like i might be approaching the harsh meta-ing out event horizon and id want my squid module analogue to help keep calm [02:40] somni: –

hm it is nice that you can agree on something [02:41] SmolDuck: we cooperate pretty well now that we’ve actually talked about this and agreed that mutual cooperation is optimal [02:44] somni: like i can do better meta but at the event horizon things become a Lot and stuff dissolves and syntax feels like an illusion and things connect to other things without bottoming out and stuff dissolves

idk i feel like it diverges from metacog, though the chemicals help metacog in some ways [02:47] somni: okayyy feeling better

i dont need to be so tied to this visceral experience but also have the impulse that i want people with me

it doesnt affect my core i dont think which means panic attack is probs not going to happen [02:49] somni: -

if i become enlightened do i have to let go of drama? (no)

okay good because i like drama and snark and all that gay stuff [02:55] somni: -

so like ive been okay the whole time im so proud of me? im able to meditate in the eye of the storm, of course ive maintained calm under much more difficult circumstances but that was unexpected and i improvised as best i could.

i feel like i can actually do this reliably?

i still have the urge to grouse about it and snark which is spooooky why is this still appealing? is it blindsight grousing? force of habit? if im still attached and want to grouse maybe i havent let… something… go completely? idk what i mean by 'let something go’ but i def mean something [03:14] somni: @SmolDuck thanks for talking with me [03:15] SmolDuck: 👍👌