#back when I was enjoying spring
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April 29, 2024 - April is for visiting flower gardens✨
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I just think that for trans masc Shen Jiu specifically doesn't experience dysphoria or euphoria but a secret 3rd thing. Gender hate.
Man hates himself so much he's like of course I see myself as a disgusting man. Of course I hate myself so much to discard my woman hood and cut off my own breasts. Look how foul and disgusting I am to let myself blend in with men in society. And now that I'm seen as a man I am never able to interact with woman as I please.
Truly I'm a miserable selfish fuck
#svsss#svsss shitpost#shen qingqiu#shen jiu#scum villain self saving system#i just think man was born to make up excuses to why he is a miserable fuck even when hes enjoying himself#man saw himself with a bound chest passing and cried and felt rage and just didnt properly process shit#ifs guilt rage and envy all rolled into one#he hates men and even the idea of being a man but he craves and desires it and for that he is disgusted#he can lie under layers and layers of self justification but deep down its that he craves it like a rat addicted to cheese in a spring trap#and once he touches that trap he can never go back and will be forced to live with this awful acceptance and that is disgusting#bonus points if hes gay too so he just stack the self loathing like linkon logs
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started my morning by crying so hard for a solid half an hour that i gave myself a headache, happy sunday !
#i am going to shower and then make a nice drink and eat a kiwi and watch er while i get ready and then go on the train and read my book#and then i will go and visit the vintage shops in [redacted city] and then find a cafe to get a matcha and sweet treat and read some more#and then i will go and get tattooed and after i will just walk around with my headphones in and try and enjoy the spring sun#and then i will get the train home and read my book again on the journey back and when i get home i will make myself something to eat#and probably watch more er and then i will tuck myself into bed and rest#i will have a nice day
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#one piece#sanji#black leg sanji#everysanji#dressrosa#ch801#wanted poster update!!#and we're also done with dressrosa. wild#well ig that's what happens when he doesnt show up for 70 chapters#i made a note to myself as i was skipping through on the wiki for chapters i want to come back to#namely law's backstory and the law/luffy vs doffy fight#man i'm getting nostalgic for the first time i read one piece...#i really got into it in high school esp as a freshman#and i binged so much of it over spring break on a shady manga pirating app LMAO#but that would have been like march 2016 (9 years ago now!!! holy shit!!!) while wci i think was releasing#i remember dressrosa was pretty recent at that point so like regardless of how you feel...#idk dressrosa has always been an arc i've enjoyed personally bc of when i read it originally and i want to reread it in full but this blog#doesnt rest!!! i cant take the time to do that rn while queuing sanjis unfortunately#but bc wci is a sanji centric arc i probably will slow down to actually read some of it#you'll probably get my thoughts on it in the tags as we go too#i have a lot of thoughts and it ties in to why i dont want my posts here tagged as v*nsmoke at all#i've seen some of you fuckers talk about that in my notifications dont think i dont see you#i have my reasons for that. and its bc the vinsmokes suck major ass and sanji is not one of them#i plan on doing more full panels for that and maybe i'll bring back actually adding captions on some of those posts#sound off in the comments if you want that
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i've been dipping my toes into experimenting with borders, lately 🌿
#pose from a 1958 walter wyles illustration!#xanlow#fe laslow#fe xander#fire emblem fates#fire emblem 14#feif#fe14#something nice and green as spring gets closer....#so some background on this is that it's actually fanart for a fic i havent written yet#its my idea for the outfits they'll be wearing. or at least something they own! i might end up changing laslow's shirt but idk its cute too#its for!!! my next longfic!!! which perhaps is ah bold of me when ive just put stigmata on a hiatus#but it isn't like ive been working on this instead of stigmata so!!!#i was juggling two ideas around for a while and i rly was going back and forth but ive 100% settled on this one now#the title is chapelle ardente and ive actually shared a brief wip of it in an ask game from a while back#but spoilers so that's all i'll say hehe!!!!#i hope i get a chance to share that fic w u guys cause im excited for it c: for now. um. enjoy the contextless fanart. dfjdksjf#dots draws
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#feh#personal#her new alt is actually the worst thing i've seen in feh in a while#like. like#why?#how?#of anyone??#y'all could've added peony in her place if you needed a book 4 unit#or if she's going to be on the banner#give her an outfit like veyle's#or like any of the other Okay feh spring alts#i just. i know they might want to do something nice with the story#but how are we supposed to actually get anything from that if she's drawn Like That#i might have to design a spring alt for her myself just to get over it#i don't think i can do a really good job by any means but i made one for yune back in the day#and whatever it is i can GUARANTEE it will be better than her canon feh spring alt#mae as well i do not enjoy but i just. it's less glaring to me like that's not new for feh exactly#neither is this but. just. it's not just about how i perceive her age it's about her personality and how she would never EVER choose to be#dressed like that#freyja's whole lore is like “oh but when i grew into a beautiful woman the suitors couldn't come fast enough”#she's never been happy. she would never dress like that on purpose#i already don't like HER spring alt but i know why they dress her like that as i mentioned before#eitr is effectively still a child she literally doesn't know who she is or what her purpose is i am NOT happy about how she's portrayed her#i could go on and on about freyja's lore for hours but the point is she wouldn't Want to wear this and that is terrible#that should be reason enough to be upset about this#it certainly is for me. i won't force anyone to feel a certain way but i won't bend on this
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found this in my notes damn that's a great idea i will never actually write lmao
#someone give me my spark back i'm too stressed to enjoy writing rn 😭#actually the truth is my motivation is just so tied to the weather and i'm fucking OVER THE WINTER#so when spring comes i might come back to this
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idk if it’s good or bad that my mental health increases drastically when im back at work
#I love having breaks from work#im so fortunate to have them#but my mind goes rampant when I have breaks from work and it makes me feel like I have no purpose#and that I’ve missed my true calling and that I’m not living up to my potential#but then I get back to work and im like YAY WORK I LOVE MY JOB PLANNING FOR THE SPRING#all my problems seem further away when im working#which is great I just wish I could enjoy my rest time without fighting demons#I need to secure work for this summer bc a. money and b. mental health#lol#cadence rambles
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#GIIIIIIIIIIRL#gotta finish the postgame of black and white and then play the sequel#want to replay totk but also am feeling like going back to botw bc it’s been a while since i fully played it#also spring/summer nostalgia (when i first played both those games)#i never finished my most recent skyward sword playthrough#still haven’t gotten around to tales of vesperia#want to start a new file on violet… literally i have almost 400 hours just on my first one#i guess i’m having too much fun to calm it quits but also i wanna restart and reexperience it too#missing link will *probably* come out this year#i might be able to convince my sisters to pool our money and save up for a ps5#bc they would enjoy it and i wanna play kingdom hearts for realsies#peach rambles
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sleepy and v fed up w this blasted reading for japanese history class tomorrow. give me 45 minutes to finish this article and i will be back to talk about kissing or something
#for the blissfully uninitiated: hello i am history student#which is a fantastic thing to be but also a significant pain in the [REDACTED] when it wants to be#the professor for this class is almost unbearably terrible which does not exactly make me WANT to do this reading#but the exam is in like 2 weeks lol#so yk. i have the hardest life of anyone on earth etc etc#god forbid i actually do the degree i asked to do lmao#also i up early this morning to drag myself to the immigration bureau for a visa amendment#which meant a decidedly unpleasant hour on the metro during rush hour :(#its bc im applying for this english TA position in spring#its literally only for 5 days and tbh i wouldn't mind doing it for free bc i am sad like that and enjoy teaching for fun#but it IS paid - and paid work is Not Allowed under my student visa#so even though i literally have not even GOT the job (applications close today) i still had to go and apply for permission to work#watch as they dont hire me lol#oh i should mention - for those who may not know i am in tokyo this year#i am british and i usually go to uni in the uk but im on a study abroad year this year#i came to japan in sept of 2023 so ive been here for coming up on 5 months and i will be going back home in august on 2024#its weird to think that im approaching the halfway point#tbh i should really just make this a separate post but whatever#coming to japan has been very strange but a good thing i think
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goddd i miss having motivation so bad it's been literal ages since i've finished any drawings and it's so frustrating
#i think a lot of it is burnout from college tbh..#my spring semester was exhausting#i was spending like 20 hours on my studio class a week outside of our actual classes it was so bad#still tho#its summer ive had so much time#and yet#hghhhh#i miss when id draw like every day so bad#all that motivation and like.. creativity#tbh i think its bc my main interest rn i dont rlly do art for#i mean i do graphic designs and my commissions and stuff#and i really enjoy it#but i miss drawing#and im so rusty that i cant rlly just jump headfirst into drawing from real life references (aka kpop my main interest rn)#and i know i should just ease back into it and do some sketches whenever i have the time but#ive got such a weird like.. mental block about it#where the longer i go without drawing the more anxious i get about starting up again#its stupid#anyway#sorry#tw rant
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Martin’s screen is still intact after a win I am shocked
#we’ll ignore its a sprint#but bro does enjoy hitting that thing when he wins#source: i watched old highlights in the spring break and he did the same back then#motogp
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HAIKYUU MOVIE WAS SO GOOD AND EVERYTHING I WANTED
#personal#BABY KUROO WAS SO CUTE AND ENDEARING#I FORGET HOW MUCH I LOVE ANIMATED HINATA HE'S MY BOUNCY BOY MADE OF SPRINGS#HINATA I LOVE YOU SM...#the pacing was very brisk and kept you hyped but i loved that they interspersed it with their memories#SEEING HINATA AND KENMA'S FIRST MEETING AGAIN... AHHHH...#HINATA'S SCREAM OF JOY WHEN KENMA SAID HE ENJOYED VOLLEYBAL AAAAAAAAAAAUGH#also they had pov shots esp in the end that were SO COOL#the ending is just as jarring as it was when reading. well it felt shorter bc 1.5hrs and i was reading as it came out but like.#the game just Ends. i'd like to think it's intentional bc hinata is like okay next serve... wait#also ALSO i normally don't stay after credits but bc everyone else stayed my group did too and AFTER CREDITS SCENE???#DECLARATION OF WAR AGAINST HOSHIUMI???#I'M SO READY!!!!!!#how are they gonna animate the rest of hq in one movie though. i have no fuckin idea#that game is so fuckin long. you're gonna need to feel exhausted karasuno is fucking wiped#oh well however it's done i can always go back to the manga#haikyuu my fucking beloved i love you so much.
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here's another rus update. i think the time offline has been good for it. [Video: Russet, grinning widely and giggling as several tiny baby Noibat use him as ledge to launch off of, shaky wings figuring out gliding and then flapping. The little Noibat keep hopping back to Russet to get pet and then launch themselves again, going further and further each time. Russet seems overjoyed.]
#pkmn irl#drayster posting#russet's spring break#//god i cannot emphasize enough how russet is so totally unaware of everything going down on bba rotomblr-#//like. i gave my little guy a break. and it is going to be crushed when it returns from break to find out so much went down...#//have you ever had like. a really good day. and then the entire experience is poisoned because of something terrible at the end?#//yeah. yeah that's what russet is going to go through. i am. so sorry.#//of course. russet will. still try and pretend that everything is okay. because russet does not want people to worry about him.#//russet is... very hypocritical. god what a character.#//anyways yeah. enjoy happy russet for now lmao. he's. he's going to be a mess when he gets back on rotomblr#//also hey. if ur reading this. i'm probably going to have russet return to the account either friday or saturday evening. :3
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Seriously though, if i can just survive until monday i'm gonna spend the whole entire day writing and hopefully finish that one thing i'm working on because i'm getting sick and tired of only getting to write 2 or 3 sentences at the time when i can find a few minutes, it's lowkey driving me insane
#like i have a lot of school stuff to do during spring break but i deserve a day to just write as much as i want#i might even be able to start on sunday depending on how long i spend on that one paper i'm gonna send in late#(my bro prof already said it was ok so that's all good)#but yeah it's been years since i enjoyed writing so much and it feels amazing#kinda frustrating that it happens when i have so much things to do and not back when i had nothing but free time#then again i was dealing with accute mental illness back then so i honestly don't feel like blaming myself for it
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#I know I have seasonal affective disorder#and I know winter depression me is the worst version of me#I Know#and I hate her more than any of you do I promise#but every time I say something dark and someone goes ‘it’s November/december though. you don’t really mean that’#it makes me want to hit them with a bat#I don’t own a bat. and on top of that I’m a pacifist so obviously I will not#but I know what time do year it is! I’ve known it’s coming since September because that’s when my brain chemistry notably changes#because like . I do mean it. in this moment I mean it deeply and it Scares Me so can we take it seriously rather than say oh it’s just SAD!!#and I’m scared out of my mind so to go dismiss it as ‘just’ a winter thing is so patronising and it makes me SO mad#like trust me …… I’m aware we’re being dramatic because of circadian rhythms#but that doesn’t make it less terrifying or real in the moment#extra bat hitting tendencies @ my mum who simply says ‘okay try and be calmer’#NEVER IN THE HISTORY OF ANYBODY EVER HAS THAT WORKED#idk man everything feels bleak and unsafe and terrifying and Heavy and I’m not much fun to be around at all right now#but I mostly don’t enjoy being in my own company in these months which makes me want to retreat even further because why put that grey cloud#on my friends?#and it’s bad usually but it’s even Worse this year after surgery recovery and if I’m honest burn out and a full ptsd meltdown-recovery#was supposed to go back to work after this weekend but started crying just at the idea and told the company doctor and thank God#she said that I should just recover mentally too now and come back after the holidays#but bro ………….. there’s too much going on and I’m Stuck i’m just Frozen in pure fucking full blown Fear#it hasn’t been this bad since 2020 which . ha ha ha ha#anyways . reminders that things will lighten up in the spring: sure yes#discrediting what I say as ‘you don’t mean that because it’s winter’#start running :)
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