#but I’ve struggled with gender labels for a long time (in myself and in writing characters)

[beta-adjacent]

If transmasc is an umbrella term for transmen, masc nonbinaries, etc and transfem is an umbrella term for transwomen, Fem nonbinary etc and trans neutral for those that feels they’re neither Fem or masc etc. what would be the equivalent to trans dynamic Alpha/Beta/Omega? Cause I know while biology wise it would fall under these terms it seems so restrictive and just focusing on the sex biological parts which may be the point of a/b/o, but like idk as an asexual I feel like they would be separate terms due to a/b/o not being the ‘normal’ human. Yknow?

I am not a linguist, so I wouldn’t be the person to turn to for crafting some new terminology, haha. But this did get me lost in some philosophy sauce so here’s the product of that:

For the sake of establishing a foundation, let’s say the following are the “original/traditional/common” transdynamic terms:

General: Transdynamic, adynamic*, dynamfluid/dynamifluid

Transition states (in the format of the primary notion “mtf”): atb, ato, bta, bto, ota, otb

Some thoughts on these terms:

The terms don’t have to solely equate to a change in sexual organs, because secondary biology isn’t exclusively sexual. You could focus on a surgery that stops the formation of a knot, sure. But you could also focus on HRT that alters the hormones that make you smell like your adab (assigned dynamic at birth?), which is arguably very non-sexual. I think it’d be hard to change the non-sexual without changing the sexual, but you can still make the non-sexual elements the emphasis. So I’m actually rather ok with the terms we have now if the argument is they seem too sexual, because they don’t feel very sexual to me

That being said, these terms do feel very biologically driven and limiting. You only have about 6 options in the transition states? That’s quite binary

*I don’t think I’ve actually seen the word adynamic used. Instead, authors refer to an adynamic person as a delta. And this classification is where the mindfuckery starts for me

Because tertiary dynamics cover a level of transness in secondary dynamics. By definition, a tertiary dynamic typically describes someone who biologically aligns to their adab, but not socially. Or, in some cases, they cover the “miscellaneous” category of secondary genders, ie experiencing all 3 dynamics, or none of the dynamics.

So now we have to question: how intertwined are the ideas of secondary body versus secondary instinct/soul? Below are some examples of people with this “body vs instinct” nuance:

Skye is a cis male. They were born a beta. Skye biologically feels no discomfort/dysphoria in their current body. But socially/instinctively, they have the soul of an alpha. What do we call Skye?

Dusk is a cis female. They were born an omega. Dusk feels extreme dysphoria in their body because of their dynamic, but their omega instinct feels calming/natural to them. What do we call Dusk?

Star is intersex. They were also born with mixed dynamic biology. What is the term for that? Would it be two intersex conditions (primary-intersex and secondary-intersex), or would we classify it as intersex and a tertiary dynamic?

Moon experiences all three dynamics at once bodily but does not relate to any of them socially/mentally. What do we call Moon?

Gender labels are limiting —regardless of if it’s primary, secondary, or tertiary— because they’re an attempt to classify something that often can’t be classified in a simplistic/binary way. Having labels to describe every complexity is impossible because complexity is infinite. Having umbrella terms is almost guaranteed to be limiting and/or reducing to the complexity itself.

Soooooo…… fuck labels! Or make them whatever you want in your verse, just stay consistent and, more importantly, make it meaningful when it’s not consistent. Include characters with nuanced dynamics and let readers struggle with the material alongside you

[scholarinbookland]

Clarifying My Blog Usage

So I’ve gotten some followers related to my Jimin rambles, and I’m happy to have you, because I’ll be rambling about Jimin probably for the rest of my life (notice how I got into Freddie Mercury 6-7 years ago and still am a huge fan).

So I’m using this post as a secondary mission statement, with the disclaimer that the main reason for posting this is to see whether I’ve correctly figured out the Read More and link-adding functions before posting my immensely long Like Crazy MV post series (I’ve split it up into three sections, pray for me because I am struggling with figuring out the changes to the Tumblr UI).

Currently I have all the free time in the world, and so I’m replying to comments constantly and love to see them. But I do have some clarifications and standards I’ll set in advance, since I’ve gotten some asks and hope to have more come in.

Shippers/Shipping/Sexuality: I’m about as anti-shipping as you can get without hating on people online or making declarative statements about celebrities I don’t have any personal connection to, but it doesn’t come from a place of denying that Jimin may have some form of not-straight identity. Until he says something outright (which I do realize is very unlikely), my assumption is not that he is straight, but that his sexuality is none of my business. Regarding asks like the one I already answered where we touched on the idea of FACE being a breakup-based storyline, I did my best to eliminate gender from the conversation about the theoretical ex-partner, and my conversational partner was also courteous in that regard. If I’m using feminine pronouns for love interests in any of my think-pieces, I’m probably referring to the characters Jimin is playing in his MVs, not the private life of Jimin himself.

I identify as on the asexual spectrum, which some people count as LGBT/QUILTBAG and others do not, so it’s personal when I say that I don’t approve of assuming ANY sexuality. I firmly believe sexuality and relationships are something even celebrities should have the room to figure out on their own, outing people is wrong, and that sexuality can be more fluid to some than a label you find and stick with from early on in your life. I do differentiate my opposition to shipping, however, from think-pieces about artistic output through a queer lens, which I don’t consider necessarily assuming an artist’s sexuality, and so I do appreciate posts like those.

About me: My perspective, as I indicated in my pinned post, is not perhaps that of your average Jimin fan writing long posts. I’m definitely not caught up on Jimin’s massive digital footprint, I haven’t watched any paywalled content except a bootleg of Are You Sure, and I first heard FACE and MUSE when they were both already released. So I’m doing a lot of detective work from the mindset of me not knowing much at all, and trying to amalgamate perspectives. The other perspective difference from other fans comes from my own life experiences.

The most relevant identity to my writing is that I’m an autistic woman. If you’re not familiar with that neurodivergence for whatever reason, I’ll lay out what it means to me.

I’m not great at social nuance and cues, I’m very hyperverbal/hyperlexical, I have sensory differences and associated health problems, and I have the comorbid condition called prosopagnosia commonly seen in autistic individuals. So when I say something about difficulty differentiating the faces of BTS members, this is not a microagression.

I literally can only pick out Jimin because of the unmistakable way he moves and holds himself, and his amazingly unique vocal tone. (Feel free to ask me about how I feel comfortable analyzing acting if you’re curious, but in short, I did a lot of occupational therapy.) The rest of BTS I can guesstimate based on height compared to Jimin or fashion tendencies, but prosopagnosia is a big reason why I’m not calling myself a BTS fan.

About my BTS opinions: I don’t have them. I enjoy most of the music but not the reality content unrelated to the music, performances, or cinematography. I don’t have a problem with any BTS members, but I don’t have much of an opinion on them. Jimin’s enough for me, and I’m not going to fake either loving or despising a group of 6 other guys I can only differentiate less than half the time. As long as Jimin’s happy in the group, I’m happy for him.

I’m also not rooting for the group to disband, as I know some solo fans of various BTS members are. I just hope he is able to find some downtime after he’s released from mandatory military service and doesn’t feel pressured into immediately creating content for fans, because that doesn’t seem fair to him or any BTS member.

Reblogs: As for reblogging things- I don’t necessarily check out the blogs of the people I’m reblogging from, and I only reblog when I feel I have something to add to the conversation. Otherwise, I just like the post and leave it at that.

Ground Rules: So if you’ve read this far, you know where I’m coming from. I’d adore more asks and comments, but the only hate I’ll tolerate in my inbox is directed at the company/executives, because I strongly distrust them as much as I imagine most Jimin fans do. Anything specifically about an individual BTS member besides Jimin I reserve the right to not respond to, because I don’t feel I have anything to add to conversations about them, unless anyone wants to educate me about something. I’ll leave that to blogs who are aware of who they are as people and artists.

I also welcome constructive criticism about how to improve the readability of my posts. If I’m using ten words when one could serve, let me know. If the grammar is off, tell me. If it’s incoherent, I’ll revise my post. And if you disagree, I love debates where I can genuinely be educated on facts that I’m mistaken about, but please let’s start from a place of understanding and not insults. So let’s chat!

[i-dont-know-what-im-doing-2024]

Transition Update (4/10) 🏳️‍⚧️

I thought it was time to write another life/transition update! I don’t know if these are actually interesting to other people but it helps me to write it out and to have a record I can look back on.

I have made a lot of progress recently with understanding/accepting/feeling comfortable with my identity and while I’m still not where I want to be and have a lot of imposter syndrome It’s getting much easier to imagine my future and living my life as a guy.

A few things that have really helped me (besides time) were going out of town for a few days because it made me feel removed enough from my day to day that it was a lot easier to focus on or feel connected to my identity, experimenting with a more masculine/less androgynous short haircut, working out/weightlifting because it feels masculine and because I’m hopeful the long term effects will help with dysphoria.

I’m also getting better about mentally remembering my own new name/pronouns etc. as it’s been a process even for myself to come to terms with those changes and feel more and more comfortable experimenting even if it’s just mentally.

Also, while being trans itself has been a lot to come to terms with it has made me feel so much more connected to my sexuality. I always felt so uncomfortable with calling myself straight and struggled to see myself in a ‘straight’ relationship even though I’ve always been a huge romantic. Basically from the time I knew it was an option I have been obsessed with mlm ships and connected so deeply to those stories in a way I have never been able to feel with other things and I didn’t realize how much it hurt to think I would never have that until recently. Even though I’ve always known I was attracted exclusively to guys something always felt so off and like I would never get the relationship I truly wanted.

It took years and a lot of trying to convince myself I fit into other identities to figure out that my gender was the problem with me feeling so weird about my sexuality. Anyway, since realizing this I’ve been kind of giddy realizing I can actually have the kind of relationship I’ve always wanted with having a boyfriend but also being a boyfriend and it’s helped me in such a massive way I can’t explain but it feels really good.

Of course that brings up tons of other insecurities about whether I’ll ever meet anyone, whether me being trans will be an issue, if this means I won’t be able to find someone until I’m further in transition etc. but overall, despite the fears, it feels way more joyful to imagine that then it did to have to think of being a woman in a relationship with a man.

That being said I also feel like I’ve come a lot farther with understanding my dysphoria and gender presentation. I do have dysphoria and I have noticed it significantly more since starting to come to terms with everything but it presents more as discomfort or dissociation than distress. It’s still not pleasant and it affects my life a decent amount but it’s not to the extent I heard a lot of people discuss pre transition that made me feel like I didn’t have dysphoria at all.

Finally about presentation I never really identified with the idea of being nonbinary even when I used that label (besides it just meaning not a girl) and I don’t feel any sense of identity with it now but I have been able to work out my feelings about clothes more. I was so feminine presenting before realizing and I felt really invalidated in my identity because I knew it wasn’t just compulsive and that feminine clothing genuinely brought me joy but I didn’t know how that fit into dysphoria and all those things. But after going shopping a few times I’ve noticed that I’m still drawn to feminine clothes just as much as masculine ones (not that clothes have a gender- this is just to help me organize my thoughts and get my point across.)

I do feel dysphoric wearing feminine stuff but it’s my body I feel dysphoric about and not the clothes. When I took a step back from my own anxiety and imposter syndrome and was actually out doing things like shopping I’ve been able to get a better feeling for my actual thoughts about stuff and overwhelmingly the thing I think the most is some variation of ‘Oh my god I love this- if only I had top surgery and I could wear it’ or ‘if only I was on hormones, if only I had muscles, if only I looked like a guy etc. While I feel a bit silly about that sometimes the clarity has been helpful in understanding where I’m at better.

Final update I started saving for top surgery, I will hopefully have decent insurance coverage depending on how access to gender affirming care is affected in CA but it’s still a chunk of money even with insurance (I’m guessing I’ll have to cover around 3k-3.5k out of pocket) I know that’s nothing compared to what a lot of people pay but my financial situation is complicated due to disability and limitations it places on me for work so I figured I should start saving asap so that down the line when I’m actually in a position to come out and get top surgery money can hopefully not be holding me back as much.

I still have so much imposter syndrome but I think this is the best I’ve felt about everything so far and it’s encouraging to feel like I’m making progress even when there’s still a lot I need to figure out.

[fallouttboy]

doctor who is so back bitches

oh do i have so much to say about the 60th birthday. knowing that tennant was going to hold the role for at least that episode, i was slightly terrified that his tenure 2 would be nothing more than a nostalgia run, something to grab the attention of bored long time fans, or fans of just tennant’s doctor, or or or. but it wasn’t; it felt so incredibly fresh and well written, extravagant and modern in a way that i was truly scared would not shine through.

davies is a great writer (one of my preferred, tbh) and having his ability and skill back in the show is not only incredibly evident but refreshing and comforting as much as entertaining and, well, good. he was never one to shy away from serious but he writes comedy so well too; this episode particularly reminded me of older who, the goofier matt smith episodes and of course tennant’s own. and what is this show if not just absolutely silly and camp? let the time lord laugh. he’s been through enough.

i found myself cooing, looking at my dad (my dw watching partner of ten years) and exclaiming how happy and excited i was. i haven’t done that in many years. this episode captured my attention like the whimsy of series five and six, the charisma of clara and twelve, the bonding of rose and ten, the tragedy of ten and donna. it was captivating, emotional, engaging. i felt like a child again, staring wide eyed and on the edge of her seat as the doctor ran through a futuristic space ship with his best friends in tow, narrowly avoiding death or destruction or whatever the conflict entailed.

as a queer person, this episode meant so much to me. i’ve been struggling recently with my gender and identity, really taking the “non” in non binary to heart lol. i’ve always headcanoned the doctor as transcending gender, neither male nor female nor non binary, but if we had to put a label, i’d always made them non binary. they’re not human, simply an alien, a time lord, in the physical vessel that is akin to a human. we don’t know, shouldn’t know, what biological sex the doctor is. and it shouldn’t matter. the doctor is simply the doctor.

hearing the doctor himself confirm that (i am using he/him pronouns, as that is what is used in the show) was, for lack of better words, amazing. i never thought that i would see the doctor, let alone my doctor (10, or well, 10’s face), confirm that the binary does not apply to him. the moment with the meep, the “i use the definite pronoun” “oh, i do that” moment, was tragic in the best of ways. my heart sank in the same way it did when i saw my first queer on screen kiss; that is me, i am being shown a reflection of myself. it isn’t a sinking feeling of shame. it is a sinking feeling of relief. the feeling of the world being lifted off your shoulders. the feeling sisyphus would feel as the boulder finally made it to the top of the mountain: an impossibility. but it happened. the boulder stayed.

further, the exploration of non binary within the character of rose noble, how her transness was not the highlight but was not ignored. her transness was shown as important and a special plot point, but it was not about her. it was about the binary of it all, the doctor’s lack of gender binary, time binary itself existing, well, wibbly wobbly. the doctor was brought to donna. their impossible friendship became possible. why? the power of love, of family. just as it always has been.

had donna not had rose, she would have died. had rose not been out as non binary, the likelihood of donna understanding binary (or lack thereof) as well as she did would be significantly less. if donna did not love rose, it would have been for nothing. just as if the doctor did not love donna, or humans as a whole, everything he did, everything he wants to do, none of it would even have happened. love is truly the biggest factor throughout the whole of this stupid show. family, found or by blood, runs deeper than the relationships. love. respect. bonding. saving. selflessness. humanity.

[direautistichobbit]

The AMAB Blues: On Being Eternally “Questioning”

This essay, or whatever this rambling set of nonsense is, comes with a disclaimer.  That this needs to be expressed in the first place is part of the problem I suppose, but I am getting ahead of myself.

I’m about to talk about an big, messy issue that I have been facing as an AMAB person who is gender questioning.  Currently, I identify as Gender-Fluid; previously, I’ve experimented with Nonbinary and Autigendered.  To be perfectly honest, Autigender is probably the most accurate of those I’ve played with so far but I have to explain enough stuff about who I am that explaining an entire term is more trouble than it is worth, generally speaking.  I’m pansexual, but usually more attracted to femme presenting and directed persons, and I’m struggling to sort out how related to my own personal traumas that is.  None of them were sexual, to be clear.  Thing is that I am an exceedingly sensitive person, and a lot of masculinity is…not inclined towards sensitivity in the majority of Western culture.  You become a target for other masculine people to take out their aggression on to prove to each other how manly they are.  So I’m…always anxious around men.  At least a little.  For someone who is Demisexual, this has made the pursuit of relationships with masculine looking persons challenging.  I’m polyamorus, with all of my partners at long distance (one of them is moving away as I’m writing this, don’t worry, we are fine), I have been looking for people closer by.  It has not gone well.

With that subtext out of the way?   I’m also a white, masculine presenting person that (superficially) resembles something that is cisgendered (not even slightly, I’ve come to realize) and heterosexual (not that either) enough that my “passing” privilege is extreme.  I am neurodivergent (ADHD diagnosed, ASD self-diagnosed and largely agreed upon by past therapists/doctors)  but can mask well enough that I get the “peculiar”and “eccentric” kind of labels before I get the problematic ones.  I am not going to pretend that I don’t have a lot of passive advantages here, nor am I blind to the amount of privilege I possess in the vast majority of social situations.  None of what I am about to say detract from those who don’t have these benefits.  I’m not complaining that the gays are being mean to me; they aren’t.  The majority of them have been nothing but wonderful to me.  I’m talking about the issues I’m facing; I don’t discount the issues that others are facing.  Hopefully that comes across here: I’m not blaming the broader LGBTQ+ community for how I feel, the issues I face, or the circumstances that hurt me.  I am not trying to crowd out other voices; I’m just trying to express my own.

Cool?  Cool.

There are a lot of queer spaces where masculinity is, while perhaps not the enemy, regarded with suspicion.  I don’t blame anyone for that; as I already stated, it’s something I share.  White dudes can get away with literal murder, and I know it.  I’ve read about it.  I’ve become familiar with it.  I own it.  I recognize, and attempt to always dignify, the danger that I represent, in potentia, to a lot of people in the LGBTQ+ community.  I recognize that while my intentions are as fair and honest as I can possibly strive to express, there is no way to prove those intentions without someone having to risk an interaction with me. No one is obligated to provide me that chance to prove myself; no one should be either.  There is no way to say I’m “one of the good ones” and have it be taken at face value; even saying that you are a “nice guy” is a huge red flag just due to the sheer number of bad faith fuck-wits who have purposely and maliciously abused that.  I get it.  I understand it.  I don’t make excuses for it.  I don’t misunderstand it.  I don’t begrudge people for it. That doesn’t stop it from being extremely isolating and dehumanizing at times.  Especially when you aren’t sure if “masculine” or “male” is something you even want to be…because the truth is that I’m not certain that I do. Would I say I am Transfemme?  No…but it’s a question I also go to some lengths to psychologically avoid. 

I don’t try to feminize my voice, even experimentally; hasn’t stopped me saving every TikTok on voice feminization that I have come across.  I’m definitely more curious then I’d like to admit regarding the topic.  I own a few pairs of high heels, but have avoided going any further down that fashion/clothing rabbit hole.  The majority of my friends and partners do not subscribe to gender binaries.  I have a lot of crushes on Transwomen, but not because they are some representation of some fetish; I like them because they are wonderful people that I want to be closer with.  They’re cute and sweet and I just kind of want to get lost in them.  Also, yeah, I follow a lot of Transwomen and Transfemmes on social media.  Yes, I have a beard!  How did you know? I don’t know that the end result of this question is being a transwoman.  I also can’t say that it isn’t.  I just don’t ask the question, deliberately, because I can’t follow through with it.  I’m not in a position to do so and right now I suspect that “Unsure but questioning” is easier to take then “certain but unable”. My ex-wife and I are civil, bordering on friendly…but she is pretty much just slightly better then milquetoast liberal.  Better than average but really bad at questioning her biases or blind spots.  Do I think she would use being Trans against me in terms of custody of our child?  No, I don’t think so…but I also don’t know so.  My daughter is 9.  Am I willing to risk my ex-wife’s inability to emotionally regulate?  This is someone who has wished me dead in front of other (She thought I missed the pick up of our daughter,5~6 at that point, by oversleeping.  It wasn’t even my day to pick her up and she was the one who got the schedule wrong) so her emotional maturity isn’t something I can take for granted.  I have no idea what will or will not set her off. Due to a host of reasons, most of them related to COVID and the movement of Amertican society, I am looking at the possibility of needing to get on disability.  While I am a bit of an ambivert, I have gotten to the point where I don’t trust anyone I don’t know.  Shit is crazy out there.  I am legitimately terrified of anyone having power over me.  It’s complicated, but the short version is that my social anxiety has become legion.  If I move to make any alteration to transition, if that were what I decided I needed, it could affect a disability case to my detriment due to the biases of judges.  It could even affect my ability to get representation.  The madness that is some conservatives' idea of how “easy” the disability process is for their definition of “undesirables” is utterly stupefying, because the reality is much different.  

I live with my parents for a number of reasons.  My mother and father are…progressive, for the most part.  They mean well.  That said, they’re also pretty benignly ignorant about a lot of mental health and social stuff.  Not in a way where I have to avoid topics of conversation or humor them on Thanksgiving to keep the peace, mind you, but in a way where it makes explaining myself extremely tedious and painful.  Like I don’t think they would purposely dead name me or something like that, but my mother is also a very “grounded” person…and hearing her drone on and lecture me about elevated risks in society when I’ve studied them more then she has is a kind of personal hell I struggle to properly articulate.  My mother is my greatest ally and, also, one of the worst burdens on my mental health.  I’d be dead without her but I’m also frequently injured by her.  I survive, a lot of the time, by just laying low.  Restructuring my whole identity isn’t something I can “lay low” with.  

Also, there is a question of if I found out I wanted to be a woman or even just more feminine?  Well, would I look like a feminine person I even wanted to be?  With facial hair, I can pass for a solid version of ruggedly handsome.  I don’t suspect that, even with a more feminine face, there are many versions of femininity that I could pull off nearly as well.  The question of whether it hurts more to be a modestly attractive version of something you don’t want to be or an ugly version of something you do want to be comes up frequently.

So I don’t ask the questions that would give me the answers.  At least, for myself, in my heart of hearts.  Executive function issues can be a blessing in disguise, I suppose, because even in spite of everything I just said?  The question of my gender and how I view it feels pleasantly unresolved to me.  I can see the line of data and evidence, but not come to a conclusion because I haven’t done the work to find out.  I haven’t tried to feminize my voice or my appearance in a meaningful way.  It’s also still functionally unknown, even if highly suspected. Which brings us back to the central issue.

It’s one thing to feel rejected or regarded with suspicion when you are masculine in your presentation, you feel masculine, and you have to navigate the mess left by other masculine people.  It’s another thing to feel rejected or regarded with suspicion when you are masculine in your presentation, but don’t even know if you want to be but don’t feel you have the opportunity to be otherwise.  I feel like I carry the weight of choices I wouldn’t make on behalf of someone I’m not sure I even want to be.  I feel held accountable to things I wouldn’t do and never wanted to be a part of.  Not because I don’t want the consequence of being a male…but because I’m not sure that male is something I want to be.

But I look like I’m male…so they do.

I look through dating profiles of people who interest me.  I never hear back.  Lots of them have phrases about “mostly looking for femmes, but open to anyone!”, so the writing's on the wall when I get nothing but radio silence.  Marking down Non-Binary or Gender-fluid doesn’t functionally matter when your face isn’t the kind of face they are looking to get to know.  When people who I’m interested in talk about not being attracted to “mascs”....I know it’s nothing personal.  It’s not any kind of an attack or dismissal of me as a person.  It’s two people discussing the nature of what they are attracted to, and I don’t begrudge anyone for saying.  In another instance, someone who was local and who I was beginning to flirt with but a halt on everything because...my masculinity got to her.  She wanted time to unpack that.  She deserves it.  I would never want her to feel any kind of way about asking for what she needed.

Irregardless of whom I do or do not “blame” for these situations, even if I blame no one at all, it is still a fucking kick to the guts because I feel stuck being something unwanted.  It makes you question the attraction of the partners you do have; how long until they look at you like everyone else does?  When everyone else they are around or connected to is in some way femme or leaning that way, when do you get cut?  When do you stop being undesired....and it’s easy to question that when you cannot imagine even wanting to be yourself much less next to yourself.  Especially when you feel like that happened before. I was pursuing a woman once.  She was a transwoman.  I thought there was a connection, and she seemed to echo the sentiment.  Some point down the line, she exploded at me.  The reasons are still uncertain; some of it was miscommunication, some of it was some problematic word choices that I will absolutely own*, and some of it I still have no clue.   Whatever her reasons, she called me out as just another fetishist. A chaser.  Accused of creeping on trans-women and following them on social media for some fetishizing reason.  Liking memes and posts on facebook that weren’t mean for “creepy cis men”.  I had been wanting to tell her for a while that I was gender questioning.but never did; I didn’t want her to think I was doing so dishonestly to curry her favor or something.  So I was grappling with feelings that she, without realizing, invalidated. It set me back a lot.. We didn’t have a relationship; there was just some flirting and feeling each other out.  It was still traumatic, because I left the situation feeling as if she needed a reason to purge me out of her life.  She asked me never to contact her again; I’ve honored that, and have no plans to change that face.  I’d be lying, however, if I said that I didn’t want to cuss her out.  It felt she was looking for an excuse to villainize me, and she took the first one she got. She damaged me and my progress with my own identity more then any transphobic half-wit ever could, all for what feels like having some moral high ground.  It took me longer to get to the questions about being Enby or GF because of her.  I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive her for that.  I’ve been phobic about being seen as a “fraud” ever since.  That was approximately 3 years ago. Perhaps more.  It still hurts.  Still feels like what I am going to be seen as the enemy for what I look like, not for what I am. .

Yet, I don’t actually know what I; I avoid asking the question about because opening Pandora’s Box is going to make it twice as bad, if the answer is what it looks like it is, because it won’t change what I am able to do about it.  I feel as if my options are to feel like a pariah and just struggle through it blindly or feel like a pariah after doing personal exploration to discover something that I can’t act on anyway.  I don’t suspect I am alone here.  That’s the thing; I am, comparatively, lucky.  I think I am in a uniquely privileged position to express myself this clearly and this cleanly.  I can speak to this in a way many AMABs don’t get to.  Masculinity is one hell of a double edged sword in Western society; you can do practically anything you want as long as do it without any emotions that isn’t anger, confidence, or grim determination.  If you are married, you can love your wife (and kids) in a noble and detached way.  You can only cry when kids are born, you partner leaves your, you parents die, or you get kicked in the testicles.  Even then it’s treated as suspect.  Everything else is socially and culturally forbidden.  I have enough emotional eloquence that I can express a pain that I suspect many others grappling with yet can barely identify, much less explain.  How do you deal with any of this when you lack the emotional vocabulary to feel half of it?  I can only speculate.

I guess this all leads to one point; your friends who are AMAB, in queer spaces, and are in a continual cycle of gender questioning?  They are probably going through some shit.  Probably a lot of shit.  All the time.  We are stuck in the fringe territory of overlapping identities and we don’t really have any way to go in one direction or the other.   Be gentle with those of us who fall under this banner if you can be. It’s lonely when you can even be yourself with yourself...and you can’t.  You don’t even exactly know who you are, and you end up scared that finding out could destroy you.  So you exist, perpetually, as a reasonable facsimile of who you think you want to be if you are luck...and who you need to be if you are not.

=-= =-= =-= =-= =-=

*For the curious, I used the phrase “pull up your big girl panties” in reference to someone I was dealing with at my job; a client at a day program for adults with developmental disabilities.  The individual in question became a very abusive person during her menstrual cycle, often attacking other clients and becoming extremely aggressive at the slightest annoyance or inconvenience.  Pushing, screaming, trying to bash people with her wheelchair and waiting until people weren’t looking at her to do it. While that behavior was very toxic and frustrating, I didn’t choose a good way to speak about this client, and I will absolutely own that there were better ways to express myself and vent my frustrations.  When the woman I was trying to build a relationship cussed me out on using that phrase, she accused me about talking about my ex-wife in this instance...which I wasn’t.  I have no idea why she thought that.

[somecunt]

As time goes on, I notice how unfulfilled I am, and disappointed with my reality.

It’s sort of always been this way, but I’m in the position now where I could escape it, to my knowledge, if I did try harder.

I’m a transgender male and could be considered within the nonbinary spectrum. If you’ve read previous posts of mine, you’d be aware that I’m uncomfortable labeling myself nonbinary, I am agender, however I feel the need to be simplistic at the moment, what I’m more uncomfortable with is simply the term, “nonbinary”. While, “nonbinary spectrum” for me is more accurate, as I feel it is more informative about the nature of what nonbinary is intended to imply, a spectrum of genders outside exclusively male and female(genders), not simply a 3rd gender.

I have not transitioned, not medically, nor socially, offline. I am stagnant in my own life. I’ve been losing myself, and being stuck more often in a deeper state of depression.

I’ve been fearful of getting a job, I’ve never had a job previously. I had my reasons for the first year and a half I had planned to have a break after I finished school before starting a job, cause once you start, you’re not necessarily in a position to stop, now it’s expected of you to do x,y, and z for the rest of your life. So I thought I’d, for a few months, let myself be. I ended up getting wrapped up in babysitting, and it was expected of me due to other people being irresponsible, this lasted around 6 months(Although excuse my poor memory). Babysitting drove me near insane. By the end, I had had a panic attack in my sleep, which woke me up, and I struggled to breathe, and thought I was going to die. I was afraid much more so due to the idea or dying due to suffocation, it seemed like a really terrible and painful way to go, so that was the scary part. So I had intended to take another break at least two months due to the extreme amount of stress I had been in previously. I can’t completely remember but even during this time I still had to babysit to some extent which kept me not fully there. Covid also happened, which started before the babysitting.

After this, the second break after the babysitting stretched very long and I would feel very anxious filling out job application, this is an issue I no longer have, It’s more exhausting mentally for me than anxiety provoking, which the exhaustion isn’t my excuse, I simply haven’t been on top of it. Besides during the times when it triggered my anxiety, that was quite hard to deal with, so I do use the anxiety as a partially excuse.

Also, this post isn’t intended as a, “my life is so terrible feel bad for me” there are parts of my life that for me personally were difficult to bare, and I do honestly at times feel like that, as well as that I’ve never gotten to fully mourn the difficulties in my life without someone criticizing me for it (This isn’t completely true but I do feel locked in a state of misery in relation to the past, so there have been times where I will routinely breakdown about the same issues), however I only wanted to write this out. So it’s not necessary to tell me how stressful any of this was, nor even to give me job advice. If you want to, you can give me job advice but I’m unlikely to take it, as I feel I know what is required of me to get started, I only haven’t.

What I especially do not need is comments about how other people have it worse, that’s not relevant to anything I’m saying, I never implied that I’m the only person ever to have hardship, and it’s one of the most unhelpful phrases or humankind. I want to vent and construct my thoughts without someone trying to piss on me.

It’s possible no one will see this post, which is also fine.

[systemexploration]

my friend who is a system thinks i might also be a system because i’ve been showing some symptoms. i don’t experience amnesia, nor do i forget important details about myself. i only forget small stuff, like day-to-day chores, meals i ate, and conversations i’ve had

my friend said they think i have it because i’ve mentioned dissociating a lot and i seem to have a blurred sense of identity (i’ve been struggling with my gender and sexuality for years. i’ve thought that i might be genderfluid or abrosexual but neither of those labels feel right to me)

i brought it up to my therapist, and my mom had me do a check up with a psychiatrist. both of them said i probably don’t have it, and my therapist said i’m young so obviously i’m going to be questioning my identity

but i feel like i might have it. i think i’ve had alters front before, and i think i have a few? i don’t know. i don’t if i’m making all of this up for attention or if i’m just crazy

first of all (/lh) if those are experiences you have had, you arent making it up! your experiences are valid whether or not they connect to being plural or being a singlet

long post below!

(for some reason i didnt write this in order of the topics you brought up) (also all this is /nm and /npa! i apologize if the way i word things comes across a little aggressive, i struggle with sounding serious but not mad sometimes)

but onto the main topic, i do agree that it is very common for teens (ik you just said you are young, im assuming, but also talking generally /nm /lh) to question their identity a lot! its part of growing up, figuring yourself out. our core, Mouse, went through many, many sexuality/orientation labels before settling on aroace. those werent a part of our systemhood btw, those were just part of Mouse's self discovery. a struggle with labels can definitely be a sign of being plural but also it can be part of the identity stuggle that a majority of teens face.

about the amnesia and forgetting things. amnesia isnt a need for being plural. having trouble remembering things is a part of being plural but it also is a part of being a singlet. there is a normal amount of short term memory loss for people but it can get to a point where there is a reason for it or something that is causing it. we have a friend with autism and adhd who experiences more short term memory loss that is considered normal. with plurals, there are many different ways memory is handled. it can go from headmates having their own individual memory all the way to memory being a thing all headmates can access. most of our memory is accessible but there are a couple things that only a few of us remember (we dont know what it is due to those remembering it purposely not telling us). we also can experience forgetfulness when we switch but it is usually only small things. so to sum that all up, amnesia isnt a plural requirement and forgetting smaller things may or may not be a sign of being plural.

dissociating is definitely a bigger thing than the last two topics. if you dissociate a lot then that is something that i would recommend looking into and bringing up with your therapist if you havent. people can dissociate a few times in their life without it being a result of something but it happening a lot is a sign of a reason being behind it. dissociation is a part of plurality (not required) but there are also dissociative disorders that arent DID or OSDD (though non disordered plurals can still dissociate.). i am not at all trying to say you have a dissociative disorder, i have no place to say that, but i do recommend talking to your therapist more about it and looking into stuff about it yourself!

and finally, if you think you have had alters front before then definitely keep researching stuff about plurality! try to pay more attention to when you remember things vs when you dont, your mindsets/personalities, and try to see if you can call out to anyone in your head to see if they will straight up respond! if you do feel like anyone is there but they are still vague, try to give them a name and refer to them as a separate person than you. that can help with clarity and communication. (all /nf)

overall, with the experiences you have talked about, there are definitely other things that can be the cause but that is the case with most mental divergencies. the fact that there can be other reasons doesnt mean that it is definitely not plurality. if you are more confident that it might be plurality i do think you should continue to learn about it! unfortunately i cant give you a yes or no about being plural, that is something you are going to have to figure out yourself /lh

absolutely feel free to continue to ask questions if you continue looking into plurality though!

Some helpful resources from @/the-plural-archive

[its-deputy-caleb]

okay this is kinda irrelevant bc i already have my pronouns in my bio but ima use this post as like a mini story about me if you wanna read and also just to solidify my own experience. (there’s a nice little message if you just wanna read the last few paragraphs) — anyway here is my

✨ I’m Coming out as non-binary post!! ✨

i think this break has come at a good time for me and while i can’t wait to get back to writing i definitely needed moment to finally come to terms with myself and i’ve been wanting to do this for a long time.

i feel way more accepted on here and i feel as though i can be honest and express myself and i’m now at a point in my life where i’m happier with myself and who i am to a point where i’m comfortable with the label/term of non binary and feel comfortable with all pronouns but more specifically they/them.

(if you wanna read more i’m just gonna put some of my personal experiences under the cut and i’ll use this as a trigger warning as i’m gonna talk about my past experiences with a verbally abusive family and my struggles with mental health)

*a disclaimer these are purely my own experiences, people have different ones but this is more just my interpretation of things pls don’t be offend <3 and a trigger warning because i’m gonna talk about some verbal abuse and mental health disorders next so please don’t read if it’s triggering.

The early years of high school were particularly rough as i’d come out as bisexual and my friends, family and other loved ones didn’t understand or were not accepting at all since i come from a heavily catholic conservative family and most of my high school experience had been at single sex religious schools which really ruined my mental health and is something i’m still recovering from.

However i realised soon that coming to terms with my sexuality was really only half of the problem as there was still a apart of me that still wasn’t okay and i sort of knew it but couldn’t place my finger on it. A friend of mine who already identified as non-binary took me to their house one day and actually showed me a binder and let me put on some of their more masculine clothes and they cut my hair really short. As corny as it sounds in that moment i’d never felt more like myself and i couldn’t stop smiling and they showed me this new idea of what gender could really be and i was really comfortable with identifying as ftm and transgender.

now before i continue i am completely aware that you don’t choose to be transgender and it’s who you are and it’s not about cherry picking but it’s something that you can’t change but i’m going to explain myself.

for years i was out and identifying as transgender with my friends who were mildly supportive but they were blessings compared to my family who made it their chore every day to dehumanise me and belittle me for my looks. They’d always misgender me, some even going to lengths as to call me ‘it’ from my own family. My mother told me i had to live with my father because she was so disgusted with who i was and my father was no different.

i felt like i was abandoned by my family because every single one of them had an issue with my identity one way or another and i won’t go into detail but it has left me with serious anxiety, depression and an eating disorder and i still struggle with all three of them.

despite this i kept my head up for years and endured every day because it is truly something that feels so right to me. But there was a time when i had to put my mental health first because i could not stand the things they said and so i got through high school in a single sex religious school without any trouble and kept my feelings hidden.

now whenever someone asks me if i prefer a he/him pronoun i experience so much trauma and anxiety that it feels almost wrong because i’ve been conditioned that way but i also don’t like she/her all that much either. So for a few years now i’ve been slowly exploring different parts of myself and i’m actually helping myself heal.

coming to terms with being non-binary makes me feel 1) extremely safe and happy and 2) i realised now that i like expressing femininity, masculinity and neither all at the one time.

it’s also made me reconnect with my family and it’s taken a lot of hard work but we’re slowly getting into better waters but i’m so much happier and healthier now that i’m an adult and independent. And i’d like to make it clear that i’m absolutely okay and happy and healthy (this is not a cry for help this is me just accepting myself and sharing it— i’m in a good place <3)

now i’m so independent and healthy with my life and i feel comfortable with myself for the first time in a long time. i manage classes, work and my personal life while fitting in my writing on here and i never hesitate to take breaks and put myself first because one thing all of this has taught me is that i deserve to take care of myself.

At this point in my life i’m so happy with who i am and while it’s not perfect because life never is i can truly honestly say that this blog has somewhat influenced some of the more recent decisions.

even something as small as seeing my favourite artists write a gender neutral piece or the fact that there are both male and female o/c’s and readers can be extremely validating and so i also want to take the time to say a huge thank you to have an audience and have people love my work but also a thank you for just letting me feel safe and accepted on here.

love you all <33

[itsclydebitches]

(WLW anon) I really don’t like the “bad rep is better then none at all”. I hate that. We should want good rep, because bad rep has been used time and time again by homophobes as to say we shouldn’t get representation. To me it’s not “gay can have the same flaws as het”, it’s “fix the flaws in the het”. Also I know Renora being independent was a good, I was just saying in comparison BB. Also, yes, they were separated, but also didn’t stop thinking about each other. Especially bad with Yang.

Indulge me for a moment because I want to take a trip down memory lane and list some—just some—of the queer rep that has been important to me over the years:

Ellen comes out both as herself and as her character… years later, she’s a hated millionaire who is criticized for how she treats her staff

The wildly influential Buffy gives us two women entering a loving relationship… except then Tara is killed off, Willow goes evil for a time, and Buffy comes under fire for Joss Whedon’s everything

The beloved and respectable headmaster of one of the most popular book series ever published is revealed to be gay… except it doesn’t count because it wasn’t in the text and now all of Harry Potter is cancelled because JKR is transphobic

Kurt is an unambiguously gay teen in a hugely popular TV series, acting as one of the first overt representations a generation has seen… except he’s way too stereotypical and Glee is a joke now

Orange is the New Black gives us a number of queer women, including one of our first trans characters… but isn’t it problematic that they’re all criminals?

Brooklyn Nine-Nine hosts an out gay captain and gives us a bisexual coming out story that resonated with many, myself included… except now we’re supposed to hate all the characters on principle because they’re cops

Korra and Asami walk off into the spiritual sunset together… but they never kiss or anything, so that doesn’t count either

Steven Universe gives us a queer relationship and a wedding… but it’s an issue that this is just a kid’s show and, really, does it count when the rep is embodied by space rocks whose entire species only creates a single gender? Feels like a cop-out

Same with Good Omens. Yeah, Crowley and Aziraphale clearly love each other… but you never see them kiss or declare their intentions. It’s great ace rep though! Unless you want to level the criticism that asexual characters are always nonhuman

A character intended to be a minor guest becomes a show staple and eventually declares his love for one of the two main characters… except then Castiel immediately dies, Dean doesn’t respond, and they never meet on screen again

I finished Queen’s Gambit the other day and the main character had a one-night stand with a woman! … but everyone is talking about how bisexuality is used to represent her lowest point, so that’s bad too

I could go on for literal pages. Some of these arguments I agree with (Dumbledore), others I’ve pushed back against quite strongly (Crowley and Aziraphale), but all of them are valid criticisms depending on what part of the queer community you’re in and what your expectations are. My point here is that it’s all “bad rep.” I mean that seriously. If anyone reading this is scrambling for the comment section to say why [insert media title here] is actually fantastic rep, I guarantee that someone disagrees. Or if they don’t, give it some time. Just wait until the characterization becomes offensively outdated, or another part of the story ruins the relationship, or it comes out that the author did something truly horrific, or the terminology changes and it’s labeled as “problematic” now… just wait. At some point, any rep we feel is good rep now will be criticized, cancelled, and dragged through the mud. The rep that I personally haven’t seen much push-back against—like the beloved Captain Jack Harkness in Doctor Who, or Schitts Creek that just won a ton of awards—is wrapped up in the criticism, “So it’s all just about able-bodied, cis, (mostly) white dudes, huh? :/”  Even the argument that queer characters need to be written by queer authors doesn’t hold up. I absolutely adored Sense8. “Wow, a gay main character in a loving relationship with another gay man, both of whom enter a loving poly relationship with a woman, another lesbian trans main character who marries the love of her life on screen, an entire cast arguably queer due to them sharing orgy scenes centered around the emotional intimacy they share, everyone survives, and this was written by two trans women! Great, right?” Well, not according to the wealth of opinions explaining how Sense8 is horrible rep, actually. Every piece of rep we’ve got is either currently flawed or will become flawed in the future.

So what do we do with that?

That’s where my “I’d rather have bad rep than no rep at all” comes in. For me, that’s not waving the white flag. That’s not an oath that I won’t expect better rep in the future (I do) or that I won’t criticize the rep we get (BOY DO I), but rather just an acknowledgement of reality. The vast majority—if not the entirety—of rep is “bad rep” in one way or another, but I’d still rather have it than nothing at all. Because I’ve lived just long enough and studied media just enough to know what nothing looked like. It was watching all queer characters meet untimely deaths. Before that it was watching queer characters be derided and treated as jokes. Before that it was nothing but coding, where queer characters didn’t exist except in our own headcanons and interpretations. Obviously “bad rep” covers a very large range of issues and “They haven’t even confirmed this relationship yet” is a bigger issue than “This queer character embodies one or two, mild stereotypes,” but ultimately I’d take any of it over nothing at all. And enjoying what we’ve currently got doesn’t mean I’m willing to settle for it indefinitely.

To use an iffy analogy, imagine there’s a factory. This factory makes plates. So. Many. Plates. Big plates, small plates, plain plates, decorative plates, plates for every possible occasion in your life—and everyone with a steak for dinner is pleased as punch. You though? You’ve got soup. You need a bowl. Your entire life you’ve been struggling to eat your soup off a plate (it doesn’t work) and listening to friends and family claim that the plate with a slightly raised edge could be a bowl if you squint (it’s not). To say it’s frustrating is an understatement.

But then, one day, the factory starts producing bowls too. Hurray! Except as soon as you get your hands on one, you’re told you really shouldn’t be using it, let alone praising it. Look at the state of that bowl! It’s cracked right down the middle, ugly as hell, shoddily made all around… you’re not really going to settle for that, are you? And no, you obviously still want the factory to produce better bowls, but at the same time, this is a bowl. You’ve never gotten one before and you can finally enjoy your meal, even if the soup leaks at times. Sometimes a lot. But you’re still feeling better about your meal than you ever have before. And what you then begin to realize is that lots of the plates are a mess too. They also have cracks, they’re also ugly, many are also shoddily made. The difference is that the factory is producing so many plates at such a rapid pace that every steak eater is able to get by. One plate breaks completely? You’ve got a thousand fallbacks. Don’t like the look of this one? A thousand other options. You disagree about what “shoddily made” means? Luckily there are enough plates that everyone can find what they prefer! But the bowls… there’s only a few. Some are really expensive. Others are only available for a limited time before they suddenly disappear. Your bowl breaks and you have to wait months, years sometimes, to get another one. You’re constantly told to go buy this one obscure bowl no one else has heard about and yeah, you like it... but you’d also like to buy one of the bowls everyone is already enjoying. You find yourself looking at the plates and thinking, “I’d like that. I’d like to have so many options that the flaws, while still a problem, are much more bearable.” You’re still going to demand that the factory get its shit together, you’re still going to (rightly) complain about the awful quality of your bowl… but it’s still nice to have a bowl, period. There are still things you like about it, even if it’s a mess: the color, the size, the beauty of the shape of it. Its potential. You’re still pleased you have something to enjoy and that helps serve the need you’re looking to fill, even if that something is imperfect.

That’s “bad rep is better than no rep.” To bring this very long response back to Blake/Yang, I don’t think their problems negate their benefits. Is their relationship currently non-canonical and filled with a number of writing issues everyone has a right to be angry about? Yup. I express that anger a great deal. Are they still half of a team on a very popular show that is (presumably) set to be canonized as queer? Yup. I’d much rather live in a world where big shows like RWBY try to include queer rep and fail in a multitude of ways—with the expectation and hope that they’ll continue to improve—rather than in a world where authors a) don’t care or b) are too scared to try. Because that’s where a “good rep or no rep” stance leads. The danger isn’t homophobes because they’re, well, homophobes. It doesn’t matter if the rep is good or not, they hate it on principle. But if queer authors writing for other queer identities, or allies writing queer identities, or even queer authors writing their own experiences (like in Sense8) continually come under non-stop fire for their attempts… there’s a good chance that many people won’t ever try. We’re already seeing that here on tumblr with young authors admitting that they wouldn’t touch [insert topic here] with a ten-foot pole because just look at what happens when you get it wrong. And authors will get things wrong because authors are fallible people forever unlearning their own ignorance. So though it might sound strange coming from a blog that has turned into such a RWBY critical space, I am glad that RWBY’s queer rep exists, despite all the frustrations that I share about it. I think a RWBY with various types of “bad” queer rep is better than a RWBY with no queer rep at all, particularly when “bad” or “good” is so intensely subjective. There’s a middle ground between passively accepting whatever we’re given, and tearing into rep with such ferocity that we end up rejecting it all. There’s a space where we can be critical of rep and embrace the parts that work for us, simultaneously.

I hope and expect the het rep will get better too, but… that’s never going to happen instantly. To quote RWBY, there’s no magic wand we can wave to fix all our problems. Rather, it will take slow, plodding, meandering, lifetimes’ worth of work to see that change occur and I personally don’t want to spend the one life I have waiting for that perfect rep to show up. Because it’s unlikely that it will. While we work, I’d rather find the good in what rep we’ve already got.  

[discoscoob]

You seem very fair and logical about the ship wars. I am a lesbian sylki shipper. I understood the frustration but chose to enjoy the story for what it is...which is still queer. I was more offended we finally got a lesbian rom com with KStew and the writing was...not great lol. Not to mention, the same rich white families appearing on screen. But that's just it. I'm a lesbian.

I don't fully identify as a woman and I land somewhere on the non binary spectrum but I haven't explored it so I'm pretty clueless about it. I would ship Lokius if Sylvie weren't around but I'm totally in love with Sylvie and want as much screen time of her as possible. My question is do you think the antis have base as far as the gender fluid complaint/trans complaints are concerned? I just want all angles to think more about it lol.

Thank you, I try my best.

I’m aware that there are people genuinely upset by the representation or lack thereof in the Loki series and their feelings are valid as long as they themselves are not encouraging biphobia or transphobia.

The show itself never promised us that there would be a same sex romance, that was written in an article by Pink News without any reliable source but I do believe they hyped up the genderfluid representation a bit too much for what it actually was in the end, which was just a single word on a profile.

How this relates to sylki as a ship, that’s where I struggle to understand the criticisms. I myself identify as bisexual and gender nonconforming, I’ve seen people say that sylki is bad representation because cis people say that genderfluid people should just date themselves and I’m not disputing that has ever been said, it’s just something I have yet to come across someone actually saying.

We have to remember that cis people watching the show, particularly uneducated cis people, aren’t looking at Loki as a walking talking label for bisexuality and genderfluidity and attaching everything he does within the show as representations for those identities, Loki isn’t even canonically labelled as either within the show itself, (he says he has experience with multiple genders but he doesn’t specify a label and his file states ‘fluid’ under his sex not gender.)

I’m aware Loki is canonically bisexual/pansexual and genderfluid in the comics and I think that they are both represented rather well in the comics as Loki is shown shapeshifting between different bodies to represent different genders, but let’s not forget that this isn’t possible in real life, genderfluid people in real life aren’t shapeshifters they can’t literally transform their bodies yet they’re still valid genderfluid people, so why isn’t Loki without his shapeshifting? It’s just a thought.

To me, Sylvie being a woman or female presenting doesn’t represent Loki’s feminine form or his genderfluidity, she is just a variant of himself who happens to be female.

Any genderfluid representation for Loki for me would have to come from himself, not another person. That’s why I don’t feel like their relationship is any form of genderfluid representation because it just isn’t.

I hope this makes sense.

[oneweekoneband]

i didn’t though

When I was twenty and tractable I listened to “Treacherous” and I believed Taylor Swift was telling me something, because “I’ll do anything you say / If you say it with your hands”, is not content meant for straight people, even though legally they, too, are allowed to hear it, and they do generally have hands. When Taylor Swift drank beers with Karlie Kloss at a Knicks game in 2014, I believed she was telling me something even more forcefully, because, really, why be at Knicks game if not just to kill time politely before fucking whoever you’re there with. When reputation was released and it contained “Dress”, a song about buying a certain item of clothing to look good for a person you love specifically not “like a best friend” so that after “all the pining and anticipation” they can remove it from your body and you can drink wine together in the bath, I believed Taylor was screaming a confession at me, and I was more than ready to receive it. When I heard from multiple sources just last year, amidst the aggressive rainbow-deluge of the Lover promo cycle, an ultimately false rumor that said Taylor was going to come out in a Rolling Stone cover story I, somehow, incredibly, brain as smooth as a baby’s ass, believed that too.

I have believed a lot of things. And it’s a nice diversion, to believe like that. But, more recently, I’ve found that the detective in me has turned away from this one. The only facts I’ll ever know about Taylor Swift are those she wishes to share, and speculating about what secrets she may or may not be hiding is a distraction from the real, joyful work of appreciating all these already literally, unequivocally, very gay songs. I’ve found, well, that I just don’t care anymore, which sucks, as I detest the squirmy idea that I might be growing as a person. But the truth is one really can write extremely, objectively homoerotic love songs yet be, for all intents and purposes, terminally straight. And like that poignant tweet about Lin Manuel Miranda tells us, you can seem gay, because of, like, your whole deal, and then it turns out you’re just annoying. You can even have a torrid love affair with your one-time supermodel best friend and in the end just want to marry some guy from The Favourite (Allegedly from The Favourite. I have seen that film three times and could not pick that man out of a lineup if my life depended on it.) and maybe there’s nothing to announce to anybody about it at all. Sexuality is complex and personal, and Taylor’s own sexuality doesn’t much matter to me, outside of how I always think it’s nice to know there’s yet another bisexual white woman out here in the world being even more irritating than me. (I say this strictly in terms of labeling; it ought to go without saying that Taylor’s various psychosexual obsessions with things like Amy from Gone Girl, and The Kennedys, and her house in Rhode Island matter to me immensely.)  It doesn’t matter because it has no bearing on the fact that she keeps dropping queer classics.

Anyway, yeah, most good Taylor Swift songs are gay, just like most good things, generally, and there’s a number of viable picks on folklore, except not “betty”, no matter what the collective banshee’s wail of the Internet tells you. The gayest thing about “betty” is that it’s Taylor putting herself in the mind of a skateboarding teenage boy, which, yes, admittedly, is a big homo vibe, but nowhere in or around this song are any people of the same gender identity smashing bathing suit parts together, or even thinking about doing so, and when there are so many better options available, I feel it is prudent that we have just the barest hint of standards. As queerness itself is malleable, wonderfully, painfully individual, and comes in no one standard format, so too is determining which song on a Taylor Swift album is the most gay a singular, complicated calculus we all must do for ourselves within our own hearts, and, of course, there are no wrong answers, unless it so happens that your answer is not “the 1”.

“the 1” made me lose my grip for a moment. A cool lament, calmly wrenching, right off it was sucking out my bone marrow and I wasn’t able to name why. (Well, except, obviously, that the twin unit of, “You know the greatest films of all time were never made,” and “You know the greatest loves of all time are over now,” is pure, not from concentrate, peak embarrassing & devastating & all the more embarrassing for being so devastating Swiftian lyricism.) Finally, weeks after the release, out walking the streets of Los Angeles midday, masked and fractious, lower back sticky, brain a little mean, buying a soda at the gas station just to talk to someone, it came to me that  “the 1” is a spiritual sequel to Red’s drum-heavy forever banger “Holy Ground”. The Taylor of “Holy Ground” reminisces frantically about a lost love, some near-miss from youth. That drumbeat is a racing heart. The animating nervousness of “Holy Ground”, the way you can almost hear the narrator’s limbs flapping wildly against her body when she says that she’s dancing, has from the beginning marked this song to me as a story of looking back on some sort of formless and magical teenaged queer encounter. “Holy Ground” is looking at a precious memory like it’s a firefly in cupped hands—small and special and easy to lose—being not entirely certain what the memory means, since whatever it was that happened back then, you never really talked it out. “Holy Ground” is about a love that for all its vitality did not work out, but it is appreciative rather than sad. “But sometimes I wonder how you think about it now,” Taylor sings, “and I see your face in every crowd.” 

“But we were something, don’t you think so?” asks “the 1”, imploring an ex to confirm her version of events, to agree that she’s remembering it right. Taylor has not ever struggled in her work with place and the self and matching the two against one another on the wriggling timeline of the human life. I was there I was there I was there. The question here is something else. Not was it real, but was it real to you, and do you remember now what that was like. Do you remember who I was then? What we were? The truth as it pertains to the heart of another is guesswork at best, and a troublesome kind. Memories break and bend, or weren’t even recorded right to begin with, every brain a dirty liar, and for two separate, imperfect creatures to share the responsibility of preserving one history together is a disaster. The hard facts then are grounding. Essential. “I thought I saw you at the bus stop / I didn’t though”.  Everyone has past romances that they still ask questions about, yes—I am not practicing my virulent heterophobia today—but none of my queer friends are without at least one were-we-or-weren’t-we in their past, a clinch with another that was incandescent and unnameable, long over but dangling forever there loose outside the neat boxes of friend or lover. To be a queer person is to exist already beyond and without the organizing structures of heterosexuality, and this can be difficult, dangerous, but in liminality there is freedom, and in years of painstakingly debating whether I wanted to be or bang so many various somebodys I have, along the way, put the pieces of myself in the order they fit best. So then there are loves where you aren’t sure if that’s technically what it was, if it’s what they’d call it, too. Or loves that were undeniably real, only we were too busy back then with trying to turn into ourselves to keep it. And loves from the very start, from walking together on colt legs, exuberant and unprepared, and the memory is a blessing, and the memory is guilt.

 “the 1”, to the ear, is softer and slinkier than “Holy Ground”, but the lyrics are dismantling. “Holy Ground” says, “And darling, it was good / Never looking down”. Full of longing, but cheerful and sure. “the 1” is older, resigned. On “the 1” Taylor mourns a love not only because it has ended, but because she can sense, from the safety of time’s remove, that it was a love which deserved better, could have been better, if things had been only a little different, if they’d felt brave enough to try just a little more. In this version of nostalgia, the golden haze of “Holy Ground” is ribboned by a vaporous shame, a regret. The song relates a story of a love that is farther out of reach and meant more than what the little girl of “Holy Ground” could have dreamt. “In my defense I have none / for digging up the grave another time / but it would’ve been fun / if you would’ve been the one”.

[erin-bo-berin]

Double The Surprise

MASTERLIST

Prequel to Thing 1 and Thing 2

Surprise! A new fic, two days in a row? I know, who am I? This was an anon request to do a gender reveal party of the twins from Thing 1 and Thing 2, so I made it sort of a prequel. I’ve linked the fic in case you haven’t read it. One thing to note, I included Diana, but in a more normal state so no Alzheimer's or schizophrenia. I’ve wanted to write something where she was free of any illnesses, so I added her in this like that. Besides, she’d DEFINITELY be there. Also, take a shot every time I say pink and blue, lord I was getting tired of saying that myself so sorry about that. Enjoy some Spencer and the team cuteness. Happy reading!

Spencer Reid/Reader

Rating: G (fluff)

Word Count: 3,285

You knew it was a mistake to let Penelope be in charge.

Not that she was bad at it at all, in fact she was wonderful. But when she had a secret that she actually wanted to keep a surprise, her lips were sealed tighter than your old jeans.

Penelope Garcia—the technical analyst at the FBI’s Behavioral Analysis Unit and your husband, Spencer Reid’s teammate, coworker and friend—was the best at planning parties. Which is how she had gotten you and Spencer excited about the idea of a potential gender reveal party for the baby you and Spencer were expecting this fall.

You were currently 21 weeks and a bit larger than normal, although your doctor wasn’t worried. She had explained it could be due to the baby being bigger—your husband was over 6 feet after all—or perhaps you were a bit further along in your pregnancy than she first thought. Either way, at the last appointment, she had assured you that everything was looking fine.

The last appointment was also when you were able to find out the sex of the baby. 

Since you and Spencer really wanted to have a gender reveal party with your friends and the other team members of the BAU, you had invited Garcia to come along to the appointment. She would be informed of the sex and also have the results handed to her in a manila envelope, for the baker who would create the cake.

You were regretting your decision though because you were currently dying to know what baby Reid would be. It was amazing though, Garcia hadn’t even breathed the hint of a clue.

She was the worst person to keep a secret, so it was ironic when she refused to give into your pleading.

The gender reveal party was going to be this upcoming weekend, still a few days away and you were struggling with the anticipation.

The party details and planning helped curb your desire to know, though.

When Garcia had first suggested the idea, not long after you and Spencer announced your pregnancy, you were slightly hesitant about it. You didn’t know much about them or if anyone would even come. With the help of Penelope and her promise to take care of everything, you started coming around to the idea.

She was an excellent party planner because even though she took care of everything, she left plenty of room for you and Spencer to decide on details and things you wanted. Many nights were spent laying in bed, the two of you looking at gender reveal party ideas on Pinterest.

You actually thought Spencer was more excited for this party then you were. It was nice to know he was just as excited for it, though.

“Do you think she’d cave and tell us what we’re having if we surprise her with a red velvet cupcake?” you’d asked Spencer, one night that week.

“It’d probably be tempting for her, but I doubt it,” he answered you, “In fact, I’m surprised she’s kept quiet this long. She’s the worst at keeping secrets.”

“I know. I had her pegged to tell us within a day,” you huffed.

Spencer chuckled, kissing your head.

“Just think, it will be worth the wait when we find out what we’re having on Saturday.”

•

Surprisingly, Saturday did come rather fast. Although at the same time, it felt like eons to you. 

You were bursting with excitement for the party, which was to be held at David Rossi’s house.

Garcia had given you and Spencer strict instructions to not arrive until after 2 pm. She, with the help of her boyfriend Luke Alvez we’re going to be setting up everything for the party to keep the final display a surprise as well.

You were just as eager to wear the new outfit that Garcia had bought for you to wear—she really had thought of everything.

You had to admit, the ensemble was pretty cute.

You’d dressed in the sleeveless maxi dress that was designed in an alternating pink and blue chevron style and white flats that were partially hidden by the long skirt of the dress. Your bump was fully on display in the outfit, but it just made the dress seem even cuter.

It also helped that it was extremely comfy as well.

The finishing touch for the outfit was a flower crown. Yes, a flower crown. Garcia went all out when she did things, that’s for sure. 

It was a thin band of flowers that sat nicely on your head. One side was decorated with pink flowers while the other half had blue. With the entire outfit complete, you had to admit, Garcia definitely had picked a cute ensemble.

Spencer had come in just as you’d finished getting ready and whistled, making you blush.

“Why if it isn’t the sexiest baby mama around,” he grinned slyly, wrapping his arms around you from behind, “You look beautiful, Y/N.”

“You look rather charming yourself,” you chuckled.

His appearance wasn’t that much different than it was from his work attire. His suit pants and dress shirt were the same as usual, but Garcia had gotten him a pink and blue chevron tie to match your dress.

“Not exactly something I’d wear every day, but I like it,” he smiled, “Ready to find out what our baby is?”

“More than ever.”

•

The first thing you saw when entering Rossi’s backyard was a sign on the iron gate door to his backyard. 

There were a handful of pink and blue cardboard, cutout circles hanging on the gate door, along with a pink and blue cutout onesie that said We’re here for the sex. It made you laugh. This definitely had Garcia written all over it.

“I’m sure Rossi is thrilled with that hanging on his gate door,” Spencer laughed.

He took your hand and pushed the gate open into a pink and blue wonderland. 

You gasped as the two of you walked further into the backyard. Not only was the actual decorations and set up amazing, but the turnout was just as shocking.

The entire team was there; Emily Prentiss, Matt Simmons, his wife Kristy and all five kids—you’d specifically told Penelope that all the BAU kids were welcomed, you had a special place in your heart for them, just as she did.

JJ was there with her husband Will and her two boys Henry and Michael. Tara Lewis was there as well, always ready for a get together. Of course David Rossi was there as well with his third wife Krystall that he’d recently married again.

Luke and Penelope were of course in attendance, but what surprised you most was seeing the unexpected and surprise guests that Garcia had most definitely arranged to show up.

Former Unit Chief Aaron Hotchner was there with Jack, who was now taller than you. They both greeted you with a hug and their congratulations. Jack said he was mostly excited for cake and you couldn’t argue with that.

Derek Morgan, wife Savannah and little Hank Spencer Morgan had made it too. These kids were growing faster than you would like because now little Hank was 4 quickly approaching 5.

“Pretty boy!” Morgan greeted, hugging Spencer tightly, “It’s about time you became a father.”

You greeted Savannah and Hank, who was in his mother’s arms, suddenly a lot shyer than normal. After speaking to them both for a minute, they too went back to socializing with the others.

What was most surprising was seeing your parents and Spencer’s mom, Diana Reid.

“Mom! Dad!” you exclaimed, hugging them.

“Mom!” Spencer said, hugging Diana, “I’m so glad you could make it.”

“You think I was going to miss my grandbaby’s first party? I think not,” she grinned.

After greeting your parents, you hugged Diana yourself.

“It’s so good to see you Mrs. Reid,” you kissed her cheek.

It had been a little bit since you’d last traveled to Las Vegas with Spencer to visit her, not long after you’d married. Before that, you’d seen her at the wedding.

“Oh honey, you know I told you to call me Diana,” she beamed, “You’re the Mrs. Reid around here. How are you feeling?”

She rubbed a hand across your belly and you smiled.

“Feeling rather large, if I do say so myself,” you chuckled.

“Well there’s a good reason for that,” she winked, making your brows furrow in confusion.

Garcia was just on her way over to the three of you as Diana spoke and suddenly, she sped up, rushing over.

“Diana! How about I get you some punch and refreshments!” Garcia exclaimed, leading Diana away.

She turned to you and Spencer as she led his mother away.

“Take some time and look around before we do the reveal!” Garcia hollered.

“Come on, I wanna check things out,” you told Spencer.

You were beaming so big that he couldn’t help but chuckle and indulge you. He was pretty curious to check out everything too.

First off, there were pink and blue balloons everywhere. 

At the table where the food and refreshments were at, were gold letter balloons that spelled out the phrase Oh baby. 

The actual food spread was rather impressive too. There were finger sandwiches of chicken salad, turkey and ham, mixed nuts, vegetable plates with dip and of course, much to your delight was Alvez’s homemade salsa and guacamole, along with chips to dip. You’d be eating good this afternoon, that’s for sure.

The sweets were all gender themed, which was an adorable touch.

There were blue and pink chocolate covered strawberries, blue and pink cake pops—a mustache on the blue cake pop sticks and a bow on the pink ones—and hilariously enough, there were M&Ms in two bowls. One with peanuts were labeled Nuts and the other with plain was labeled No Nuts, hence the mystery of the baby’s sex.

“That’s ingenious,” Spencer commented, laughing, grabbing a handful of some.

There were blue plates with matching napkins and pink plates with pink napkins, along with alternating blue and pink jars that held the opposing color of plastic ware in them. 

At the very end of the refreshments table sat two huge glass jugs with spigots filled with blue and pink drinks. The blue was named Bouncing Blue Punch whereas the pink was Sweet Pink Lemonade.

“Wow, Luke and Penelope really went all out,” you gaped, amazed.

“And you haven’t even seen the best parts,” Garcia said, seemingly appearing out of thin air next to you, “Come on!”

She tugged on your arm excitedly, dragging you to another section of the party. You laughed, trying to keep up with her, looking behind you at a grinning Spencer who was following behind the two of you.

The first thing she had to show you, made you tear up thanks to the damn pregnancy hormones.

It was a canvas of animals in a little hot air balloon and the “balloons” were made up of thumbprints from all the guests, in the color of their guess of the baby’s gender. Even the kids had all done one.

There were a variety of pink and blue thumbprints, each one signed by the person. At the bottom of the canvas it read: Oh the places you’ll go.

“We all made our guesses and I put this together a week ago so it would be dry and ready to display for today,” Garcia beamed.

“I love it,” you said, your hand covering your mouth, still shocked at how beautiful it was, “Spence, this is going up in the nursery for sure.”

“Definitely,” he nodded, looking at it himself.

“This is amazing. Thank you, Garcia,” you breathed.

“Oh honey, we’re just getting started on the tour. Come on, there’s more to see.”

The next display was another interactive guessing game.

This was a chalkboard that read Twinkle, Twinkle, little star. How we wonder what you are!

One side of the board represented the boy votes and the other represented the girl votes.

“This is where everyone was able to vote as they came in with their guess,” she said.

You looked closer. So far a girl was winning by two.

“I also included two more interactive little games,” Garcia said, leading you to two more chalkboards.

One had Guess The Date written on it and the entire month of September written out. Your due date was approximately September 25th, which was listed at the top and sticky notes covered the dates of different attendee’s guesses on when the baby would arrive.

“Oh that is super cute,” you laughed.

Your eyes scanned over the numerous guesses.

Some had guessed as early as September 6th and others had guessed as late as September 30th.

“Pinterest, I’m telling you,” Garcia quipped.

The next board had a list of girls and boys names. Underneath the board and easel on each side was a basket, in the matching colors, slips of paper inside.

“This here is where the guests have tried to guess what your number one name for a boy and a girl is,” Garcia explained.

“So that explains why you asked for our top name for a boy and a girl,” Spencer mused.

“Yup.”

You looked at each column. There were a total of five names on each side.

The boys’ column included:

Carl

Aidan

Luke

Alexander

Matthew

The girls’ column included:

Daisy

Abrielle

Gabriella

Penelope

Paige

“Penelope? Luke?” you chuckled.

“Hey, for all they know you could be naming a kid after us!” she protested.

You smiled, seeing yours and Spencer’s top two picks on the lists—Abrielle for a girl or Alexander for a boy.

“Last but not least,” Garcia beamed, “You gotta see the cake. It’s amazing.”

The three of you walked to a table in the middle of the party where there were two chairs and a cake resting on the table.

“Obviously since it’s baby Reid, you two will be the center of attention,” Penelope said.

On the table was a beautiful cake decorated with blue and pink icing roses. One side was strictly pink roses and the other blue. The finishing touch was the various sized edible pearls that had been delicately placed in the center of each flower.

You audibly gasped.

“Penelope, it’s gorgeous!”

“Isn’t it though? I was in awe when I picked it up,” she commented.

“So the inside will be the reveal, right?” Spencer asked.

“Yes sir,” she smiled, “You guys ready to find out the gender?”

“Yes, please!”

You were practically bouncing on your heels like a child eagerly awaiting candy.

“First, I wanted to give you guys a little gift,” Garcia said, rushing over to the table where Luke sat, holding a gift bag.

“Garcia, you know we said no gifts!” you protested.

“Yeah, I know. But you know me,” she scurried back over, handing you the bag, “I can’t keep huge secrets.”

“What are you talking about?” you laughed, opening the bag.

Inside was a simple, cute, white baby onesie.

On the front, it said We’re having a baby! with the word baby scratched out.

“Why’s the word baby crossed out?” Spencer asked, peering over your shoulder at it.

He seemed to be just as puzzled as you were.

“Wait, there’s something else in the bag,” you observed, reaching in to pull out the second object.

It was a second white onesie that read Make that TWO babies!

“I couldn’t keep such a big secret obviously, so I told the entire team and they wanted to chip in on a present to announce it to you—this isn't all the gift though.”

You were stunned beyond belief and absolutely overjoyed.

“Twins?! Spence, did you hear that? We’re having twins!”

You turned to see your husband as white as a ghost, starting to sway.

“I-I-I think I need to sit for a moment,” he stammered, falling into the nearby metal folding chair.

“Spence, you okay?” 

You rushed to his side—as fast as your pregnant body would let you, that.

“Yeah, fine,” he muttered, still looking dazed, “Everything just started spinning there for a moment.”

Garcia was by his side with an unused paper plate, fanning him, just in case he was actually going to pass out.

The rest of the party’s eyes were on the spectacle, all of them clearly amused.

“Who knew the kid could create twins! Even his sperm is brilliant,” Derek hollered.

Everyone laughed at that and the fact that Savannah immediately stuck a sandwich in his mouth to quiet him.

“There are kids here, Derek!” she whispered loudly.

“Twins, huh?” Spencer asked.

The poor thing looked dumbstruck. 

“You sure you’re okay Spencer?” you asked, worried.

It’s like it took him a moment for it to finally sink in because he turned to you, a big grin on his face.

“Y/N, we’re having twins!”

He grabbed your face, kissing you, not caring about all the onlookers. You turned scarlet when he pulled away, a tad bit embarrassed that everyone was watching, but you were just as happy as him, so you couldn’t complain.

“My baby boy is going to have twins,” Diana smiled, coming over to wrap her son in a hug, “I was so excited when I heard that I almost ruined the surprise earlier!”

“Oh so that’s what you meant?” you asked, laughing.

That was definitely a good reason for you to be larger than normal. Your body was home to not one but two babies for the next little while.

“You knew, mom?” Spencer asked.

“Oh of course, Penelope called everyone,” Diana answered.

“You know I can’t keep a secret!” Garcia exclaimed, “This was my biggest one yet! It was the only way I could make it without bursting.”

“Speaking of everyone else,” JJ said, bringing up another, slightly larger gift bag, “This is from all of us, Hotch and Morgan included.”

“You wanna open it?” you asked Spencer.

He shook his head, indicating you could, so you did.

You pulled out a long, wood, plaque that read:

Our family is growing by

4 feet

and

2 hearts 

At the bottom, there was an engraving.

Reid Twins

It was absolutely perfect.

There were definitely tears on your end as you made your rounds hugging everyone and saying your thank yous.

You made your way back to the center table to Garcia, who you gave another huge hug.

“Thank you so much for putting together such an amazing party,” you said.

“It was my pleasure,” she smiled.

“Cut the cake already!” Both Jack and Henry hollered simultaneously, making everyone chuckle.

“I can’t argue with that, now can I?” you responded.

You managed to pull Spencer away from the conversation he was having with some of the guests and you both put your hands on the knife, cutting through the cake. It reminded you of your wedding reception, but this was ten times more exciting; you were expanding your family with the man you were in love with.

The entire backyard counted down.

“THREE!”

You looked over at Spencer, a big smile on your face. At this point, you didn’t think much more could surprise you than the news of having twins.

“TWO!”

He winked at you, silently reassuring you that no matter what the result, you two would raise these babies as a team.

“ONE!”

You both lifted up the slice, revealing a two layer cake; one layer was pink and one was blue.

“It’s a boy and a girl!” Spencer cheered.

You were pretty sure this day couldn’t get any better. 

You and Spencer would soon be welcoming fraternal twins; Abrielle Jade Reid and Spencer Alexander Reid. 

Little Abbie and Alex were going to be incredibly loved.

TAG LIST: @dreatine​ @reid-187​ @groovyreid​ @reidslibra​ @suvikamahes98blr​ @fuckthealarm​ @iamburdened​ @cindywayne​ @queenofmischief​ @tinyminy88​ @sundippedprincess​ @missprettyboy​ @hushlilbabydoll​ @sammy-jo1977​ @haileymorelikestupid​ @lemonypink​ @multifandommandy​ @teamkiall​ @redbullchick​ @ifeelloved​ @one-sweet-gubler​ @nanocoool​ @delightfullyspeedyearthquake​ @unsteadyimagines​ @ughitsbaby​ @inkwiet​ @pennythetechgoddess​ @capt-engr-ssa​ @sixx-sic-sixx​ @spencersdolore​ @reidsstudies​ @disney-dreams-world​ @chocolatecalzoneherringbonk @mggwhore​ @andiebeaword​ @cupcake525​ @be-the-bravest​ @gretaamyk​ @likelovers @hopebaker​ @prisonreid​ @httpnxtt​ @daviddoughboy​ @pastathighs​ @marvels-gurl​ @blushingspencer​ @pretty-boy-gubler​ @victorzsaszmydaddy​ @inlovewithamess​ @im-inlovewith-mycar​

[withluvgen]

My songbird - Warren Worthington X Reader

Words: 1,601

Warnings: Angst. Mentions of abuse and death. 

Request: Hi!! could I request a Warren x reader where him and reader have sort of the same mutation (reader's wings are like crow feathers) and they met before the whole Apocalypse thing and they reunite after and Warren cries cuz he thought he would never see them again? Thank you!

A/N: I tried to make this gender neutral because the pronouns used in the original request wasn’t gender specific either, so I just thought it would be better if I did it this way. Also, parts of this fic may or may not be based on Hawks from My Hero Academia, as well as some content of him I saw on tik tok (mostly just the songbird thing).  Anyway, I’m sorry this took way too long. I just had a lot on my mind and couldn’t think of a way to write this until now.

REQUESTS ARE OPEN!!

---

When Y/N met Warren, they were delighted to have met someone that looks like them. Warren had a beautiful pair of white wings that looked like they were as soft as clouds. He looked ethereal. While Y/N on the other hand, has wings as dark as night and weren’t quite as large. Warren looked like a literal angel, while Y/n looked like they grew crow wings on her back. This didn’t really make them feel insecure in anyway, they were honestly really proud of their wings as they can do something that Warren’s cannot.

Y/N had the ability to telekinetically control the feathers on their wings and can sense things through them. It wasn’t really much of a game changer when it came to the cage matches but to Warren, Y/N’s wings were amazing.

The two of them became friends easily because of what Y/N had said to Warren. Looking back, it was a bit cringey but hey if it made the curly haired bird boy stay, they’d gladly say it again.

“Oh hey you must be new here?” Y/N said as they looked out of the cage they were in.

“Tch.” Warren coldly responded as he sat on the ground hugging his knees.

“What’s with the attitude, bird boy? I was just being nice.” Y/N sighed before continuing. “Look, I know it sucks to be stuck here, but believe me it helps to at least make a friend or two. That way you wouldn’t be alone in this.”

“I don’t see the point of being friends if they’re just going to make us fight each other to the death.” He responds, head rested on his knees.

“Well aren’t you an absolute ray of sunshine?” Y/N chuckles “Those of us who’ve been here long enough to survive aren’t really pitted against each other. And seeing as you’re here in the same cell room as me, it’s least likely we’ll be fighting each other. Plus, we don’t really fight to death. Most of us anyway. We mutants got to stick together you know?”

Warren looked up from where he was sitting to finally take a look at the mutant who was talking to him. From behind the cell bars, he took in their features and noticed a pair of wings on their back, much like his, but they were smaller and a different color. Y/N noticed Warren staring and they smirked at him.

“Take a picture, bird boy, it’ll last longer.” They said with a wink. Warren’s face turned a light shade of red from the embarrassment of being caught staring.

“I-I wasn’t…” he started before Y/N’s laugh cut him off. Their laugh, it was something entirely different. It was enough to change the atmosphere in the room. He felt a warm feeling inside of him just from hearing them laugh.

“I was just teasing. Anyway, I don’t think I’ve introduced myself?” They asked before reaching out their hand to him. “I’m Y/N Y/L/N.”

“Y/N.” He thought to himself. The name suited them. He looked at their outstretched hand and took it. “Warren Worthington III.”

“Well, Warren, looks like you and are going to be really good friends.” Y/N said as they stretched out their wings. “After all, birds of a feather flock together, right?”

“That was stupid.” Warren laughed for the first time since being caught. He could tell that something about this mutant was different.

It was about a year later, Warren and Y/N had become a little more than just friends, but neither of them dared to address it or put a label on whatever they were. They were just two people who cared so much about the other, and besides their current situation wasn’t exactly ideal for a relationship.

But after Warren’s fight with Nightcrawler and all the mutants in the cage fights managed to escape, Y/N was separated from him. The last time Y/N saw him was when he struggled to fly out of the cage and into the night sky, only hearing about him days later on some news channel that he had joined the mutant called Apocalypse.

--

A few months later Y/N was flying around the night sky of Westchester when they saw a familiar winged figure standing near a lake. Y/N knew the place to be Xavier’s school, they were on their way there to seek refuge, knowing well that Professor Charles Xavier took in mutants. Y/N had hoped to find a new home in Xavier’s, what she didn’t expect was the person they once thought of as their home was standing on a few feet away.

They didn’t bother at first to go near the figure they saw by the lake, they thought it might just be a trick of the light or something. Only landing at the doorsteps of the mansion. The vast door opens to reveal a handful of mutants running about. It was late at night so Y/N didn’t expect to see other mutants until the next morning.

“You must be, Y/N?” A red headed girl asked.

“H-how did you know?” Y/N asked in surprise.

“The professor knew you were coming.” She smiled. “Come on follow me.”

Y/N followed the girl to what seemed to be an office at the end of the corridor. The mansion looked even more stunning on the inside than it did on the outside. As the red-head lead them inside, they were greeted by a bald man on a wheelchair. “That must be the professor.” Y/N thought.

“Thank you, Jean. Hello, Y/N Y/L/N, I am indeed Professor Charles Xavier.” He said with a smile on his face. “Came a long way, haven’t you?”

“Yeah. I started in Germany and flew from country to country just to get here.” Y/N said as they stood awkwardly in the center of the room, next to the red-head named Jean.  “I’ve been through a lot, honestly, and when I heard about this place from some other mutants, I knew I that this is the place I should be. I’m sorry if I just came here so suddenly, I just had to get away from all the violence.”

“I see. You are more than welcome to stay here with us, Y/N. In fact I think you may find some familiar faces.” The professor smiled and as if on cue, there was on a knock on the door. “Come in.”

“You wanted to see me professor?” Both Y/N and the boy were in shock at the sight of each other.

“YOU?!” They both said in unison.

“How did you get here?” Y/N asked the boy. “Last time I saw you was when you were in the cage fight with- the day we all got to escape that hell-hole.”

“I was brought here by the person who saved me, Mystique.” He said as he paused for a bit. “It’s not just me who is here. Someone else from the cage fights.”

“Warren?” Y/N said jaw dropped as they saw the familiar winged boy for the first time in months standing by the door. He’s changed. His wings no longer had the beautiful white feathers that Y/N adored, they were now matched the look on his face cold and metallic. But after seeing Y/N in all their likeness, the expression on his face seemed to soften.

“What are you doing here?” Warren said as he came rushing to wrap Y/N in his arms.  The professor nodded to Jean and Kurt, signaling them to take their leave.

“I flew here. I didn’t know where else to go.” They said as they melted in Warren’s embrace.

“I’m so happy to finally be with you again, songbird.” Warren said and Y/N’s heart fluttered at the sound of his pet name for them. “You don’t know how much I’ve missed you. I swear, I wanted to look for you after I escaped but my wings they- I lost them. They were beyond recovery and when Apocalypse came I- I’ve done some terrible things in the past few months without you and I thought that what I am now was the universe’s punishment for all that I’ve done. I can’t erase or undo what I did, and my wings and the tattoos on my face are a constant reminder of that. Every time I look at myself, I’m reminded of what I’ve done. But that wasn’t the worst part of it. The worst part is that I thought I’d never get to see you again, but here you are. I’m sorry.”

Y/N stops for a moment as they look up at Warren and see that he’s been crying. They wiped his tears with their thumb and cupped his face in the process.

“Hey, none of that. We’ve all done some terrible things in our lives, but it’s what we do to make up for them that matters. You being here means that you want to change, right?” Warren nods as he leaned in to their touch. “I don’t care what you did, or how you ended up looking like this. I don’t care about any of that, Warren. I knew how badly hurt you were that night. I came to find you but when I saw you on the news, I knew you had to do what you did. You don’t need to apologize for anything, Ren.”

“I’m just so happy that you’re here.” Warren said as he pulled them in for another hug. Wrapping his arms around them tighter, as if he was afraid that if he let go, they would disappear.

“I’m not going anywhere.” Y/N said as they buried their face in Warren’s chest.

---

[x--daughters-of-darkness--x]

Life Is Proud: Life Of Agony’s Mina Caputo: “I don’t like being called transgender or transsexual… I’m a beautiful human being”

Pioneering Life Of Agony singer Mina Caputo opens up about letting go of the past, spirituality, and the Pride movement during the third instalment of Kerrang!’s Life Is Proud campaign.

“You’re setting off landmines inside of me!” says Mina Caputo. We’re 35 minutes into a filmed interview which we are conducting as part of Kerrang!’s Life Is Proud campaign in celebration of Pride Month.

Our conversation thus far has embraced everything from the work of psychologist Carl Jung and his study of the dark side of the mind through to the disinformation of modern media, and on to the liberating impact of artists such as Robert Plant and Freddie Mercury.

The ​“landmines”, though, consist of a few questions about Mina’s remarkable career and her own journey to find herself. They do, indeed, trigger explosions – delivered with her customary frankness and forays into deeply emotional territory.

Mina’s story starts in Brooklyn where she was born in December 1973. At the age of one, she lost her mother to an overdose. Her father was also an addict – ​“I grew up pulling dope needles out of my dad’s arm,” she told Kerrang! last year – and when he OD’d she had to identify his body. Both moments, she says, armed her to face the real world, providing her with ​“spiritual juice” as she also began to seek solace in music.

Raised by her Italian-American grandparents in a brutally traditional atmosphere, Mina experienced a sense of gender dysphoria from a young age – something she carried with her when she formed alternative metal band, Life Of Agony, in her teens. Her sense of alienation increased as the band’s popularity grew and she continued to feel at odds with the bristling machismo, muscle-flexing and sheer violence within the East Coast scene.

“Life Of Agony were a very different band from the jump,” she says. ​“But that time taught me to protect my neck. It taught me how to be afraid of my own unique authenticity. The first five or 10 years of my career, we were abused. There were lots of comments, like I’m a gay junkie, because I looked differently and I sang differently. We were left out of scenes and we were left off bills. But I knew why: because were bad-ass and we rose to the top really, really fast. People didn’t like that. Other bands didn’t like that.”

For Mina, her quest to find herself had become a key issue which she had to address. In a conservative scene, her experimentation with her image and sense of sexual exploration came at a price.

“I started painting my fingernails and toenails with Jonathan [Davis] on a tour with Ozzy Osbourne and Korn [in 1996], and that was seen as rebellious!” she smiles. ​“And I started going onstage wearing a big women’s fur coat and getting so much shit for just being different – and for being someone unlike the scene had ever really seen. I was a trendsetter, a physical trendsetter. And being in that scene, it was horrifying.”

Things came to a head following the release of Soul Searching Sun, Life Of Agony’s third album, in 1997, when Mina finally decided her only option was to leave the band. Against all odds, LOA would reform in 2003 and continue to release a string of acclaimed albums, their story documented in the no-holds barred documentary The Sound Of Scars.

“I felt afraid, I felt like dying,” reflects Mina on the struggles she endured as she quit the band. ​“I felt like my cellular structure was continuously dying and I wasn’t alive or living, I wasn’t sharing my true self. I was definitely afraid. It took me to quit the band because I wasn’t being true to myself. I had to get away from my band, the label, everyone I worked with.”

A hugely varied solo career spanning over 10 albums and endless collaborations followed, but Mina still feels that history weighs heavily on her.

“No-one wants to let go of my past story. Every lame rock journalist starts of the article in the same way because there’s no more creative writing anymore. Everyone’s cutting and pasting. ​‘Mina Caputo – once Keith Caputo’,” she snorts.

“Everyone has to keep reintroducing the fact that I’m a freak, born anatomically a boy. No shit! I’m a different creature. I’m not trying to be a boy, or trying to fit into your dickhead masculine world! Nor am I trying to fit into the genetic female world. I don’t give a fuck! I don’t give a fuck about fitting into your marginalised soulless, fear-based spiritually bankrupt world. I’ve gone my own world, my own internal world. I’ve got my music. I’ve got small selection of friends. I’ve got my money. I’ve got my divine protection. I’ve got my studies. I’m not a stupid motherfucker! I study quantum physics! I study Hopi American prophecies! I study philosophy. I’m well-equipped for this fucking world!”

Mina’s bravery in the face of adversity remains inspirational. Experiencing the distrust of ​‘otherness’ during her childhood, she has battled against prejudice most of her adult life. And, yet, she admits that her decision to come out as transgender in 2011 was far from easy.

“It was very, very scary,” she reflects. ​“I didn’t tell a lot of people until my body started to change and I couldn’t hide it anymore. For the first year of hormone therapy, I kept it hidden.”

She is also honest enough to admit that, even a decade on, she still suffers from moments of self-doubt.

“It’s not like, ​‘I’ve arrived! I’m fucking whole!’” Mina says, triggering another explosion. ​“I battle with things every day. Some days I think about going back to living as a guy. The pressure of the world, of politics, of the garbage surrounding me – if I let it get to me, I can get sick. My immunity will collapse if I let the world fuck with my power and who I am. And it’s a good thing that I’ve been doing yoga for 30 years. I’ve been meditating for just as long. Thank the ancient gods and that I’ve downloaded the wisdom codes to give me the strength to carry on.”

Mina’s self-preservation and spirituality is evident in most of her interviews, and yet her quest has also contributed to her ongoing sense of frustration with the world she sees around her.

“I think I am a gentle and considerate human being and I believe in true equality. I want everyone to be in love with their lives and the planet itself,” she nods. ​“That’s what life is about, but there are people and organisations that try and get in the way of that so I get frustrated and angry about that.

“Society, the political paradigm, all of it – it’s one big farce, one big façade! It’s very inorganic and anti-life. I don’t care if you’re Democratic or Republican, nobody is leading with love. Nobody!” she continues. ​“Even in Britain. Your policies around trans people – and it’s the same in America – they’re trying so very fucking hard to continuously disempower the human species!”

The idea of codification is something that Mina frowns upon, so how does she view the Pride movement as a whole?

“Pride is a very ego-driven ideology and I work really hard to cut the strings of my ego,” she explains. ​“Pride means different things to different people. The LGBTQ community wants love from the outside world, but I think the LGBTQ community needs to start loving on one another. We’re never going to get respect from the rest of the world if you don’t do that. You have gay guys constantly coming down on trans girls, you’ve got trans girls coming down on trans girls, you’ve got a new fucking word every day and you can’t say this or you can’t say that.

“If Pride gives people a feeling of wholeness, then it’s a good thing. I know it makes a lot of people happy. But you’ve got to create your own circle in a sense rather than be defined by someone else’s narrative.”

Describing herself as ​“a lone wolf”, Mina concludes our conversation by pointing out her issues with the labels ascribed to individuals by society.

“I don’t like being called transgender, or transsexual, or trans-this or trans-that. I’m a beautiful human being. I’m a gender-creative child. I’m very different. I don’t subscribe to these one-dimensional ideas. My mind is too vast, my mind is like the Dao, you know? I wear my heart on my sleeve all the time and that’s what being genuine and authentic is all about,” she offers as one of her parting shots. ​“But if you’re asking me how I am? I’m full of love, full of harmony and thankfulness. What else do you want?”

[twinklecheeks]

Friends With Benefits (Jeff Wittek Imagine) Part 6

Summary: Jeff and Y/N have been hooking up for a while. The whole vlog squad assumes they’re dating and Y/N does too but Jeff doesn’t like labels. He eventually starts to express interest in Natalie.

Note: Planning on making this a multiple part series, depending on how good it does.  You’re 21 & Latina in this (maybe) series. Also, I’d like to apologize for the typos, if there are any. I’m just illiterate lmao.  

-I’d also like to say that I am SO sorry about not updating the series in 8 months. I started writing this the week school started last semester. I attempted to do it during Thanksgiving & Christmas break but I didn’t have the energy to do it. I know that we’re all struggling in quarantine and going through withdrawal because David has only 1 video in almost 2 months. I’m going to *TRY* to update this 2 times a week.

Warnings! Pregnancy, smut, nsfw, 18+

Don't read this if you don't like smut

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5

Word Count: 1.5k

You and David have practically been dating soon after the gender reveal and finally made it official but you don’t plan to announce it on social media anytime soon. He’s been helping you a lot. Since you’ve found out you were having twin girls, you went straight to planning on how the nursery would look like. Everytime David comes over, he brings stuff like baby toys, clothes, the whole shabang. I know that David isn’t the father but he’s very excited about the babies. You thought your first trimester was difficult and it was but there’s a big problem when in the second trimester…. You’ve become horny 24/7; before pregnancy, you had sex often and you loved it. But since being pregnant, you’ve been deprived of it! You bought a bunch of dildos and vibrators cause you just couldn’t handle it anymore. You would rub yourself, fuck yourself with the dildo or use the vibrator several times just to get through the day.

Texting Kylie:

Y/n: “why didn’t you tell me the second trimester makes you super horny”

Kylie: “GIRL STOOOP. Looking back on my pregnancy, that was the funniest part. Your hormones are just all over the place. I used toys and it helped but I also was with Travis”

Y/n: “I’ve been using them but it doesn’t feel the same as actually fucking someone.”

Kylie: “Why don’t you ask David? ;)”

Y/n: “Whaaat noo! I can’t”

Kylie: “Why not? Isn’t he your boyfriend? It’s not like he would turn you down and plus, it’s not like you can get more pregnant than you already are.”

Y/n: “I mean true but idk. I just feel weird. I’m fat and pregnant with twins. I love my girls already but why couldn’t they just be one baby”

Kylie: “blame Jeff’s super sperm”

Y/n: “I also blame myself. We were fucking all the time, anytime, anywhere”

Kylie: “Anywhere?”

Y/n: “Yeah… remember Zane’s earthquake challenge video at target? Jeff and I may have had a quickie in one of the dressing rooms…”

Kylie: “What the fuck”

Y/n: “Yeah. I know. Not my proudest moment”

Kylie: “but girl i’m serious, ASK DAVID”

Y/N: “Ugh fine. But if he says no, I’m moving away and changing my identity because this shit is embarrassing”

*On the phone with David*

Y/n: “Heyy, can I come over?”

David: “Yeah, of course. Are you okay?

Y/n: “Well… technically yes but… ummm…. I’d rather just discuss this in person”

David: “Sure”

*Y/n arrives at David’s house*

Y/n: *Gives David a quick kiss* “Hey Dave.” David: “Hey babe. You sounded a little weird on the phone.” Y/n: “I mean you’re not wrong… I just have a little tiny problem and I’m going to lose my mind if it isn’t resolved” David: “what’s the problem?” Y/n: “Ugh this is so awkward I don’t want to ask” David: *David wheeze laugh* “Dude just tell me”, Y/n: “Okay umm… i’msuperfuckinghornyandi’mwonderingifyoucanhavesexwithmeifnoticompletelyunderstand.” David: “Can you please say it slower cause I only understood like 2 words.” Y/n: “I said that I’m super fucking horny and I’m wondering if you can have sex with me if not, I completely understand…” David: “Like, how bad is it?” Y/n: “Ooo boy it’s baaad.” David: “Well, we’re technically together and I wasn’t sure if you were thinking about taking that step because you’re pregnant.” Y/n: “I’m open to ANYTHING rn. I just need to be fucked HARD.”

David: *Grabs y/n’s hand and leads her to his room* Y/n: “Is Natalie home? I don’t want her to hear us.” David: “Don’t worry. She’s at Todd’s.” Y/n: “At Todd’s?” David: “Yeah, Todd had a thing for her before Jeff did and he basically went for Natalie when Todd told him that he was going to ask her out.” Y/n: *pulls in David for a needy kiss and moans* David: “wow you really are horny.” *Pushes y/n on the bed and takes off her shirt* Y/n: *unclips her bra* “Do anything that’ll make me cum please.” David: *looks at y/n’s tits and sucks on the right nipple* “Wow. Your tits have gotten… wow.” You cry out in pleasure, letting your head fall back, your mouth open. They were so sensitive that every twirl of his tongue made your pussy even more wet. Y/n: *smirks* “You’ve noticed?” David: “okay... I may have had wet dreams about you.” Y/n: “good.” David: *gets undressed and pulls off your pants* “you have no idea how much I’ve dreamt about eating you out.” Y/n: “please. Do something.” David: *His fingers reach your clit.”  Y/n: *You gasp at the feeling of him pressing down on your clit* “mmmm oh my god. Please suck on my clit.” David: *David twirls his tongue around your clit and fingers you* “babe you’re so wet. I can’t wait to fuck you sensless.” *David sucks your clit and fingers you faster* Y/n: “please don’t stop. I NEED to cum.” David: *feels her walls pulsate and she squirts on him* Y/n: “oh my god. Please make me cum like that 10 more times tonight.” David: “are you sure you want to do this?” Y/n: “I haven’t been this sure about something in a long time.” David: *aligns himself with your center and slowly thrusted into you.*  Y/n: *moans, almost screams* “holy fuck. I know your going slow not to hurt me but Dave, I want you to fuck me until I can’t walk.” David: *he hears you out and the lust took over and started pounding into you fast and hard* Y/n: “DAVID OH MY GOD PLEASE KEEP FUCKING ME I’M SO CLOSE.” David: “Shit I’m close too babe” *pounds y/n as fast as he can and cums inside her.” Y/n: *cums right after* “oh...my…” David: *pulls out and sees his cums drip out* “Damn. I don’t think I’ve ever cummed that hard.” Y/n: “If you keep fucking me like that, it’s going to be hard for me to keep my hands off you haha.” David: “I would not have a problem w/ that at all.”

(it’s getting close to thanksgiving and Jeff decides to fly home to Staten Island early and the only people who kind of know about the situation are his siblings)

Jeff: “Hey ma.” Jeff’s mom: “Hello Jeffrey. Natalie couldn’t come?” Jeff: “yeah no. We’re kind of on a break rn.” Jeff’s mom: “Oh well that's too bad. Hopefully she’ll come for Christmas.” Karyn (Jeff’s older sister): “hey Jeff. Can you help me out w/ shopping? I have to go to Manhattan” Jeff: “Sure.”

*On the Staten Island Ferry*  

Karyn: “Okay so now that we’re alone, can you actually tell me what the fuck did you do.” Jeff: “Excuse me? The fuck you talking about?” Karyn: “I know that made up bullshit about y/n getting knocked up by a rando and Natalie asking for a break is a damn lie. Y/n was in love w/ you but you ignored all the signs and Natalie, she would only ask for a break if you were being a fucking idiot. I’m your older sister. I know when you’re lying.” Jeff: “Ugh fine… Y/n is knocked up w/ my kids and I basically said some horrible stuff that wasn’t true. As for Natalie, she was there to see me say all those horrible things and she dumped me on the spot, in front of the whole friend group…” Karyn: *stares at Jeff dumbfounded* “Excuse me did you say KIDS as in PLURAL??!” Jeff: “Yeah… She’s pregnant w/ twin girls…” Karyn: “Oh Jeffrey why the fuck did you act that way. You’re such an idiot. If mom and dad found out about this, they’d literally murder you.” Jeff: “I don’t know… I think it was because I got into something so serious less than a year after being dumped by Cierra; I panicked and I sabotaged myself. I know I’m wrong but I already fucked everything up. Everybody hates me.” Karyn: “I thought you changed Jeff when you got out of Prison.” Jeff: “What do you mean you *thought*” Karyn: “You have trouble w/ responsibility. When we were at your trial, you said you were not guilty, even when you got to prison, you still said you weren’t guilty but you were.” Jeff: “That’s different.” Karyn: “How?? You’re refusing to accept responsibility for those 2 babies. Jeff, you’re almost 30 years old. It took you 4 years after you got out to come to terms with what you did. Is it gonna take you until your 34 to realize you fucked y/n and those twin girls over? What is she gonna say when they ask for their dad huh? Sorry, daddy didn’t care about you? You either fix things with y/n ASAP or I’m gonna tell mom and dad.” Jeff: “what the fuck are you 5?! Why we gotta bring them into this?” Karyn: “so they fucking knock some sense into you Jeff and you know they are 100x worse than I am. I ain’t doin’ nothing to you rn because we’re in public. Imma give you until New Years... if you don’t tell them, then they gonna hear it from me...”

Karyn was never afraid to tell Jeff and their other brother how it is. Jeff knew that Karyn was right but he had no idea how he could possibly apologize for being a horrible human being to you. Will Jeff apologize before New Years? Will y/n forgive him?  

Comment if you want to be on the taglist!

Taglist: @elvlogsquad​ @siemprestan​ @zavidzobrik​ @galxydefender​ @iminlovewithenchilidadas​ @ilsolee​

[canarypoint]

Hey! I hope your day is going well!

I saw your rb about wanting to date only women and nb people. If you’re not comfortable or simply just want to ignore this ask feel free to do it. Do you feel attracted to men but only want to date women/nb people or you’re just attracted to women and nb people?

When I was figuring out my sexuality I thought I couldn’t be a lesbian if I was still attracted to nb people, but once I discovered that lesbian means non-men attracted to non-men I felt more comfortable labelling myself as lesbian! When I identified as bi men made me uncomfortable with that label since they still thought I was attracted to them

hi! my day has been pretty okay, i got some writing done for a project i've been working on for a while that i was scared of losing interest in, and i'm currently catching up on the flash, so i'm doing pretty good! hope you're day has been good, too!!

this got unnecessarily long so i'm just adding a cut for anyone who doesn't want to read it, so it's easier to scroll past lol

i'm completely okay with answering that, and i wanna make sure anyone reading this knows that i'm always open to discussing labels and sexualities (assuming it's appropriate/not offensive/the obvious stuff lol), so i'm always here for that! as for your question, i'm actually not sure?

like don't get me wrong, yes i can see that men are (at the very least aesthetically?) attractive. i mean just look at grant gustin (lol sorry again, watching the flash s7 so he's kinda on my mind rn). but am i attracted to them in that way? i'm not really sure...

i've had "crushes" (i'm using that term loosely rn) on guys before. sometimes multiple guys at once... but i've never been in a relationship with anyone, and i know that sometimes i can confuse romantic feelings with platonic feelings? (or at least that's what i did when i first started discovering i was attracted to more than just the opposite gender/sex, i don't know which word to use, sorry about that).

as for the other kind of attraction that i will not mention on this blog at this time... i just don't know.

what i do know, is that i can't see myself dating a guy. i can't see myself going on dates or any of that sort of thing with one. a girl or a nb person (is there another term for that)? yes, definitely. so i know, that regardless of whether i'm bi or a lesbian or some other label, i prefer to not date men.

but overall? yeah, i'm just not sure, and i'm not sure how to figure it out.

it's to a point where i can't even read fics about male character(s) x reader, unless it's a poly relationship with a woman involved (like for example, i can read buckynat x reader, but i can't read stucky x reader, if that makes sense?). but even then, i find myself struggling to focus on the parts centered around bucky (or whoever the male character is) and reader.

sorry, this probably wasn't the answer you were looking for at all, but it's the best i can give. feel free to reply if you want (trust me i'm more than okay with it), or if anyone else reading this wants to join in, i don't mind!