#but realized without context that meant nothing lol

[crehador]

so when food is too salty we might say "打死卖盐的" basically meaning "did you beat the salt merchant to death" but one time in an attempt to be a little polite and a little funny to the chef (my mother) i said "……是不是又跟卖盐的有矛盾了" meaning "are you... having a dispute with the salt merchant again" and now it's a whole thing in my family

anyway point being there has been another altercation with the salt merchant

[vaguely-concerned]

Ever since watching The Wire for the first time, my brain has doggedly kept working away at the Especially the lies of it all, and specifically at how much the structure beneath the different stories Garak tells contributes to the overall meaning of what he’s trying to say. While the contradicting narratives of course expertly obscure the factual circumstances of his getting exiled, using them also allows him to tell aspects and facets of the emotional truth I don’t think he ever could have, if he’d simply told the actual story of what happened. (It’s very Varric-core of him honestly.)

The first story — the ‘oh, you think you know me?’ story — says I have done things that would sicken you if you knew any detail of it. It’s clearly meant to scare Bashir away so he’ll leave him to die shamefully in peace already lol. But it’s also one of his (probably much-needed lbr) little lessons to Julian that are so frequent in the beginning, given while Garak still has some hold on himself — “Don’t be so quick to forgive me if you don’t even know what I’ve done; what would you do if this really were the sum total of what I am?” (And Julian seems to surprise him by going ‘Well, exactly the same thing, because no matter who you are I am a doctor. But I sort of take your point.’)

The second story — the letting the orphans go story — says I have failed to smother my soul in its cradle when it was required of me, and I regret that more than anything I’ve done. To my ears this is the one most shot through with active self-loathing too, which is interesting. He’s officially lost the control he’s been clinging to and it’s about to get ugly. His TL;DR is ‘Sentiment is the greatest weakness of all’, even all the way back here. (Which is the one lesson Julian steadfastly refuses to learn, which I think in turn does some serious rearrangement of Garak’s soul over the course of the show haha. Get uno reversed into the process of loving and being loved without shame asshole.)  This is also where he builds up to admitting to having any sort of need for companionship or closeness at all and — so much worse — that Julian’s role in his life actually has fulfilled some of that need, and he’s DRIPPING with defensive venom over it b/c well I get it Garak vulnerability is scary it can take a person like that. 

(I also feel there’s something honest and forbidden in ‘Suddenly the whole exercise seemed utterly meaningless’. I suspect ‘actually… why the fuck are we even doing this???’ is not a welcome sentiment in an Obsidian Order water cooler environment, no matter what you’re saying it about lmao. The very first seeds of him deconstructing the things he’s been taught about Cardassia and his work might be hinted at here, though they of course take a looong time to come to any real fruition.)   

The third story — the ‘Elim was my best friend’ story — says hey, remember that thing you said once, about how sometimes, you have to be loyal to yourself before you can be loyal to anything else? Well. guess what. I couldn’t even be that lmao. It also furthers that thread of being divided from yourself, split, that having ‘Elim’ as a separate person around in all versions of the story brings in. He’s in control of himself again, but he essentially hands his life and soul over to Julian to decide what should be done with them. 

I’ve done horrible things and it finally caught up with me, I’m getting what I deserve → I let sentiment master me and the fact that I’m too weak to do what’s needed of me shames me more than the evil I’ve done → I fucked up. I betrayed myself and everything I held to, all for nothing, and I have no one to blame for it but myself. But it’s very nice that you’re here anyway, Doctor. (Wow. I didn’t realize quite how isolated and lonely that last one was before right now. The way Tain has shaped him really has just… locked him completely into himself, huh.) We can also see a movement through from a completely professional context in the first story, to an intensely interpersonal and internal context in the last one — even his fake stories spiral in towards intimacy, which I think is what he longs for here even if he can’t quite like. Touch that without the stories as a buffer yet, it’s clearly like touching a hot stove for him to interact with it too directly. 

And you know what I find incredibly interesting the whole way through? Even on his deathbed, where he’s dying from the thing Tain had put in his head, he’s protecting Tain. He puts all the blame for where he is on himself (‘My future was limitless, until I threw it away’), even if he has to employ a strange twisty logic where he’s split himself into two to do it. Don’t get me wrong, Garak has done horrific things all on his own haha, but it’s notable that he almost isolates Tain from that. ‘Tain was the Obsidian Order. Not even the Central Command dared challenge him. And I was his right hand.’ Tain in Garak’s stories is this infallible implacable weirdly distant figure, even now. Indeed, as will make a lot of sense with the revelations further down the line, more than anything it seems the gaze of an abused child desperate for recognition looking up at an idealized (if not in any way nurturing) parent.‘He was retired at that point; he couldn't protect me’, Garak says, as if what he’d need protection from in the first place isn’t Tain himself lmao, as if Tain had no active part in any of this. He never lets blame touch Tain at all. At this stage he would rather consider himself a broken flawed tool than accept that the hands that have wrought and wielded him have ever had any fault in them. AND in the middle of it all, with plausible deniability, on death’s door and knocking meekly to be let in before he must finish the mortifying ordeal of being known and test the even more daunting possibility of being loved, Garak at the same time manages to drop the breadcrumb trail of clues to make it possible for Julian to find Tain if he so chooses and gets in the ‘sons of Tain’ thing too for future dramatic irony purposes. Truly he is the Michelangelo of lying. Every falsehood a multifaceted masterpiece. Elim ‘achieving a state of intertextuality in real life is possible if you work hard and believe in yourself’ Garak. I love him so much. 

I think all of this is why “I forgive you. For whatever it is you did,” works so well, because it too works on a structural level. It’s such a deceptively multilayered response — it has the syntax of a joke, in a way, and it is kind of funny even under the circumstances, but delivered with such earnest warmth and fondness. It’s both recognition and acceptance (forgiveness!). It’s saying ‘I finally understand enough of what you’re trying to tell me beneath and through all that, in whatever way you’re capable of, I see you’ and ‘my answer hasn’t changed (bitch)’. The forgiveness Julian offers here is complete — on principle, and out of personal feeling and empathy (only one of which Garak deigns to respond to during the second story, where he calls it ‘smug Federation sympathy’, placing it more completely on the principle side than it probably is. ‘Dude you’re my friend please don’t just lie down and die in a completely avoidable way on me, who else is going to not only tolerate but actually gleefully enjoy me being annoying as fuck over lunch’ seems to be the subtext that’s a lot harder to acknowledge and invite in for both of them. And yet Tain seems perfectly clear on the fact that Julian is Garak’s friend, which, y’know. Must be fun living with the knowledge that Tain has eyes everywhere looming over you every day haha guess you’d just have to tune that out.) 

Most of all — ’Don’t give up on me now, Doctor’... and he didn’t! He didn’t. Augh. Ow.

[meanbossart]

What is it about Astarion that DU Drow fell for? Which traits/habits/quirks/whatever were the ones that he first noticed/piqued his interest?

Oh boy, I mean, at first DU Drow didn't care for Astarion at all. He was extremely on edge around all of these people and Astarion's rather invasive strategy only put him off further - his insight checks may be awful, but he can still tell when someone is trying to suck up to him a little too hard. DU drow thought he was attractive, of course (see.: the narrator's comment about the quote-on-quote pretty corpse) but otherwise didn't think very much of, or very highly of him.

Once he got his confidence back, and after Astarion caught onto the fact that he needed to play hard to get to string him along, there would have been a little while where DU drow only saw him in the context of a trophy or conquest - but admittedly, he also thought Astarion was funny, and he thought he was smart - even someone as dense as him could see that the guy had read him perfectly, and proceeded to adapt as necessary to get what he wanted out of him - and DU drow fell right into it, willingly so. There would have been some mutual respect there between them from understanding each other's games.

Their ritual of letting Astarion bite him definitely planted a little seed of something too. I've talked about it plenty of times so I won't dwell on it, but DU drow enjoys the intimacy implied in allowing someone to hurt him. This was far from an emotional turning point in the relationship, but it did prompt him to start seeing Astarion differently (not better or worse - just differently.)

(I'm a little drunk and went on and on, enjoy LOL)

Then, after one or two intimate encounters, the Urge would have started taking too much of a toll - violent lust turned into lustful violence, and hence DU drow didn't want to have sex anymore out of a fear of losing control during the act; yet, he had learned to trust Astarion by then and would seek out his comfort and companionship all the same. Faced with the situation where sex is no longer an option, I imagine Astarion would have been caught off guard and let the mask slip more often than usual. Pair that with the fact that DU Drow is a surprisingly affectionate (in private) but highly withdrawn person, left him in the role of leading their exchanges. Astarion, I think, would have felt the need to talk; if for no other reason but to fill the air whenever they were alone together. Eventually DU Drow would have started talking back.

These were long nights of just looking up at the sky and going through things that happened that day, what led them here, what the companions are doing, talking shit about whats-his-or-her-name, often just straight up gossip. Astarion eventually realized he could say whatever he damn pleased in front of DU Drow and nothing seemed to phase him, and vice-versa. DU drow enjoyed his bluntness, his earnest impulsivity that matched his own, he laughed at his jokes (as well as some things that weren't meant as jokes) he enjoyed his teasing and his reactions when he said something putrid in return, he liked the way he smelled when he was clean and he liked his stink when he was filthy, he watched him fidget with his own clothes and hair until Astarion gave him a weird look and aggressively asked what he was staring at. He enjoyed when Astarion got angry at something he said, because it felt very genuine - and he didn't use to think of him as a very genuine person.

Astarion was the first to notice something was wrong with him - so DU drow felt comfortable talking about it openly. On the other hand, DU drow never pressed Astarion about his past unprompted - instead just letting him talk about it if he so wished and without trying to milk it for more details when he did choose to do so. Because they spoke a similar language of violence and operated under the same hedonist-based beliefs, it was easy to talk to each other even when there was friction between them - similarly, they were both always willing to move past and quickly "forget" when someone said something truly hurtful.

I don't know if there was a key moment where he realized this had turned into love; that was probably a word DU Drow dropped quite unabashedly sometime after they got to Baldur's Gate, and before they faced-off with Cazador (to no reciprocation or acknowledgment then, not that he minded). But sometime during act 3, DU drow simply assumed that after this was all over they would still stick together.

[fairytwles]

hi babyyyy

sending asks bc you’re about to answer a bunch! i was wondering if u have any lottienat or jackienat (or jackielottienat :o) headcanons or anything i love them so bad

love u!

hi baby gorgeous!!!!

i love love love answering asks feel free to send more if u want <3 (if that's what u meant by the first sentence lol) and yes ofc <3 i have a bunch of jackienat headcanons BUT give me a day or two and I will come back with LottieNat headcanons i PROMISE

jackienat

nat 100% made jackie mixtapes before they were dating in order to "get jackie listening to some real music" but really made them so she could put her feelings out there without actually saying anything.... she would put so much thought, love and effort into them but would never admit it

she never necessarily wanted jackie to figure it out since she never thought jackie would feel the same way, it was just something she did so she could get some of the weight off her chest

jackie's oblivious so she never got the hint lol

jackie learned how to make a mixtape (with the help of shauna) and put some of her favorite music on it to give to nat (mostly top fourties pop)

she decorated it with glitter stickers and wrote nats name in a pink paint marker

nat adored it

pop music isn't really her thing.... like at all

but she found herself playing it over and over and over again

she got one of the songs stuck in her head one day and was unconsciously humming it during class

van made fun of her for it when she realized what song it was and nat has never been more embarrassed in her life.

jackie realized she liked natalie (and therefore liked girls) late in her junior year of highschool, nat was giving her these mixtapes and she adored every last bit of them

she always wanted to talk to natalie, but never had the guts to truly try to be friends with her... of course they talked because of soccer, but not really outside of that...

(i headcanon jackie as a lesbian for context) She slowly realized she never truly liked jeff that way but was too scared to break up with him because she didn't think anyone would love her the way he did, she thought she could push through and everything would work out and it made her feel so guilty

she thought about nat often but didn't do anything about it,, the thought of dating her was nothing more than a dream to jackie.

jackie made the first move (completely accidentally) by asking nat after soccer one day if she wanted to go look at CD's and records and casettes with her, that she wanted to look at some more of the music nat put on the mixtapes for her (is this a readable sentence??? idk its 3am)

nat completely freaked out internally but obv said yes

jackie had no idea where to go so nat figured it all out

they spent an hour in the store just talking and laughing as if they were already best friends for years

and then they both went to a cafe afterwards (which was not in the original plan) because neither of them wanted to leave each other yet

I HAVE SO MANY MORE THOUGHTS BUT ITS 3AM AND I GOTTA GO TO BED

so this has to be cut short :((

I love you more!!! the lottie to my jackie <33 thank u for the ask this was so fun

[revclver-jesus]

How do you feel when people say that Takaya is just using Jin and Chidori?

{{ You mean like that one hot take that drove me up the wall? lmao I am going to give you the full blown dissertation here i go-- let's call this essay

The Most Commonly Misunderstood Thing About Takaya's Character: or Why Team Strega Is Not Literally A Cult lol

When people say that Takaya is just 'using" Jin and Chidori, what they're implying in most contexts is that Takaya is incapable of forming attachments and his motivations are fairly shallow-- essentially Takaya is not a complex villain and should be dismissed as purely selfishly motivated and malicious. He's a "simple" villain.

Now I realize....... that I might be biased as that girly that's written him on a dedicated blog for multiple years now, but purely objectively speaking, removing all my own headcanons, using only the information provided to use in canon? It's just thoroughly false, tbh!

First I'll go into why he isn't purely selfishly motivated and then I'll explain his relationship with Strega because I can prove the motivation with just Reload as an example, let alone the novel. Takaya, in Reload especially but even in the original game, I would argue has a full blown character arc off screen. At the start of the game he does appear to be more selfish, he has no real motivation and is just living out the last of his life doing underhanded assassin work-- nothing's really challenging him. But as the story progresses, Takaya begins to express a meaningful ideology-- he develops a greater concern for the world around him and expresses a full blown motivation. He says, in protest to the choices of the protagonist in one of his social events, and I quote: " Choosing to turn a blind eye towards your own power, to the grief of the fallen, to the unchosen and the unloved." Its clear he is not talking about himself here, as he mentions grief for the fallen. Takaya is expressing that he feels grief for something-- he is sorry about something that has happened to someone else, and it bothers him enough to nearly scream about it.

I think, often times, people dismiss what Takaya says as insincere almost automatically without any indication that he doesn't mean the words he's saying besides perhaps being vain and dishonest in other scenes, but these social event scenes are clearly meant to be interpreted as him being unusually earnest. By the end, Takaya is not just trying to keep his own power, but, as he says " this is not just my will but the will of all people. " which all culminates into Takaya's final character arc moment, where, in his final boss, he says the line " I will throw away my pride! " before using an evoker instead of trying to summon without help, implying that he is finally sacrificing his ego to better fight for what he believes in. If he was fighting for a positive cause, this would be a heroic moment, but it is still concrete evidence that his motivation is no longer meant to be seen as purely selfish. He is now fighting for " the will of all people ". He cares about the " the fallen, the unchosen and the unloved."

So what about Jin and Chidori? To put it simply, Takaya is not some puppet master that breaks them down emotionally and treats them like tools. They're his friends, and he happens to have a leader's personality, so they follow him, much like the protagonist he is designed to mirror. Its a lot easier to guess how he feels about them when you don't assume the worst and look at all his canon interactions with them. And even easier to tell if you can manage to read any english translated pages of their strega-focused novel ( which we can assume is fairly canon since Reload references it with the child turned into a large shadow ).

In the novel, as far as I've seen ( its only partially translated ), team Strega is extremely informal and lighthearted around each other. There is no sign that they fear Takaya, as they are willing to tease each other and disagree. The opening scenes of the book quickly establish a sort of family-like dynamic, with Takaya having an older brother-like role. He teases Chidori ( in a bit of heavy handed foreshadowing ) that she will understand why people fall in love when she's older-- of which Chidori sort of says gross and "as if" and rolls her eyes at him. Jin, being the narrator perspective, shows no sign of intimidation when around Takaya, something that would bleed through into their every interaction-- especially the establishing scene introducing the cast-- if that were the case. I feel, even if the novel is not canon, the writer would be instructed not to write Takaya so friendly if he was meant to be a heartless manipulator regardless.

In the game, the most manipulative thing he ever does to either is when Chidori is pulled back into Strega. Takaya tells her that there is nowhere else she can go and reminds her that death is not to be feared in a way that sounds like he's repeated this mantra often enough he knows she can guess it. This seems spooky, but the tension is immediately alleviated by the flippant and kind of sassy way that Chidori assures them she remembers Takaya's advice. This is not how you talk to your cult leader and this is not a cult, this is something closer to a gang or a club-- at worst, a coven of witches ( considering their team name is "witch" in italian.). They simply have an in-group and out-group sort of mentality, a shared since of identity, and a shared view of the world to go with it, which is to be expected when you've been openly shunned and mocked by the average person ( as seen at the start of the first scene with Shinji ) But this scene, when compared to all their mundane and lighthearted interactions, doesn't imply anything more severe than the leader of your misfit club reminding you why we don't hang out with the normies. You're "one of us" and a level of loyalty and commitment is expected when you otherwise always act as a group.

Yes, he is very cold and indifferent to the sight of his team members getting hurt-- or hurting themselves, for that matter, but the reason for this is obvious. In Reload, Takaya plainly expresses that he is feeling attachment ( for the protag at the moment ) but is avoiding his own capability for attachment intentionally. That scene was meant to establish that he can feel attachment, that he isn't as cold as he pretends to be, to encourage the viewer to see him with a little more nuance. What causes a man to force himself to be colder than he really is? What can cause an avoidance toward emotional attachment? Maybe...... watching 100 children die after being orphaned and stolen away to live underground for years? lmao

And so, when Takaya watches Chidori do self harm or literally sacrifice her life, for one-- he's not going to parent her, they don't have that kind of relationship, and he would be a hypocrite if he tried to encourage her not to do what she wants to to her dying body-- and two, of course he doesn't mind if Chidori dies, he's expecting that to happen anyways. His one greatest gift is his uncanny ability to accept death and the death of others. Mourning you openly is not how he expresses emotion. Especially when he sincerely believes death is a blessing. Its just the way she died that he's a little annoyed by. ( And why shouldn't he be honestly-- the girl threw her life away on the first nice guy she met at the mall just to make his work harder from his perspective, lmao ) BUT. In the comic version of that scene, Takaya does let himself be cut across the chest purely because he hesitated to shoot when he saw Chidori's spirit protecting Junpei. So... that might imply something.

However, if there is any greater evidence against any who claim that Takaya does not care about Jin especially... Takaya's final words, in multiple renditions of the story including the movies and Reload, are to say that he wishes Jin was with him as he died. If there is anyone that Takaya cared for, at least one single character in the entire game, it is above all Jin Shirato.

In the movies its very obvious, with the sad closeup shot of him looking beaten and washed up as he wishes Jin could be here to see it all end with him. I have the scene as an icon ! Look at how emotional the framing is !

So yeah, that's how I feel, it just drives me crazy when people remember Takaya as just Some Asshole lmao-- he IS an asshole! But he's no Chairman Ikutsuki, he has a lot of complexity to him beyond being the guy who killed Shinji, and not everything he does is black and white. There is highly plausible reason to believe Takaya cared for both of them in his own way, but the ever loyal, best friend, Jin Shirato, especially so. }}

[sevi007]

Warning! I will be blogging about my first Tales of Abyss playthrough here. If you don't want to see it or be flooded or smth, blacklist "sevi plays tales of the abyss"

@magicmetslogic get tagged!

Soooo started Tales of the Abyss now! (I kept thinking it's called Tales of Abyss, without the "the", RIP me) Must say, this immediately felt incredibly different of a premise to Vesperia (the only Tales I have finished til now) and Zestiria (which I... maybe barely passed the prologue, lol). I think a lot of that is because of Luke and his situation. Getting into that later on.

But! Let's start from the top.

Absolutely gorgeous opening for one, really loved it. I probably got spoilered without realizing it, but with no context, that's not terrible. I remain blissfully unaware!

It immediately felt a bit faster paced story-wise. A bit more emotionally taxing on the protagonist, too. To start, I open the game and get immediately met with red-headed, hot-headed Luke (who is fittingly spoken by Yuri Lowenthal, who voiced Tidus in FFX) and Ithink he's an upbeat headstrong guy - which he is but -

I barely leave his room to get thrown a skit immediately:

I hit the mental breaks when I read that because what. What. You just kept your kid inside like a pet or something?

I mean, in Vesperia, Estelle had a sheltered upbringing as well, and was certainly a bit on the naive side, but she at least was acutely aware of the world outside of the walls of her prison. Luke is not even given that, which you realize approximately two minutes into the game since his only contact to the outside world seems to be his swordfight trainer Van. I am absolutely flabbergasted. This is damaging to a kid!

(And no, this is no normal response to your kid getting kidnapped. Protecting him is one thing. Putting him on house arrest a whole other. I suspect it's not just a security thing but there is more going on here.)

And then next mental break: What the hell is Flynn Scifo doing here?

I'm joking, I'm joking. And yes I have been informed that technically, Flynn is a copy of Guy since Vespy came out later. But still. With my minimum knowledge of Tales, forgive me for immediately drawing connection to Versperia at every turn. And the likeness is startling! XD He seems to be a good guy that Guy (pft) so for now, I like the boy.

(Stop climbing outta windows like a thief though!)

Ah. Really glad I decided to explore the rooms a little. This is...

Well. I assume this was meant to be one of those anime-typical jokes of "haha, he's afraid of this or that" but... call me old-fashioned or a snowflake or whatever the correct term is but I don't think this is very funny. These two quite literally have him cornered, and he looks outright terrified of them. And instead of backing off - or Luke rescuing him - we just have to leave again? Uff. Don't like.

Never quite liked making fun of things others are afraid of, not even if it seems silly from outside.

... Oh wow. Luke is even more sheltered than I thought. This seems to be general, public knowledge, and he got nothing? Does he not get any kind of schooling while on house arrest?

From their reactions, this is not something he is supposed to know but forgot, but more like, nobody even told him. That's... okay. I seriously question his parents right now as well as Van for not teaching him even basics of the outside world.

(On the other hand, in a sense of dumbing it all down for a new player, this is quite genius. Given that Luke needs to be explained everything, so does the player learn at the same time. but still. Questionable decisions all around.)

Utterly. Questionable. Decisions.

Yes I'm already going full on protective mama bear mode on Luke. Give me a caged, sad kid who tries to put on a loud and confident facade and I immediately go "mine" XD

And now, for that faster pacing...

Ma'am I JUST finished the tutorial would you please refrain from killing me til I got to practice some more!

[spasticspaceshp]

Idk who's going to bother to read this rant but maybe someone will and relate to some parts of it so here goes.

The asexual and aromantic experience is wild when you have nothing but love to give.

For context, I generally don't use any specific labels because it's just a lot of work to explain, but using the more generic ones, I know a few things about myself.

I'm non-binary, polyamorous, and land *somewhere* on the ace and aro spectrums. I only use pangender as a term cuz I'm biased to the flag. It looks pretty, and it's close enough. I've debated if I'm trans, but I'm not uncomfortable in my body so I haven't bothered to pursue anything, and I'm only ace/aro because there is just a complete lack of drive/attraction/instinct whatever it can be called, in my body and psyche. I am a soul in a vessel here to experience things, but attraction is not one of them, apparently.

I'm a sex positive ace though. And I know all the technical terms I fall into but it's just complicated. I don't really use any kind of term for sexual preference, but I know I like men, and can develop sexual attraction under the right circumstances, and I like women aesthetically, but I can't say I'm NOT sexually attracted because I've never been with one. And the weird fear about trying is exactly the same fear I had about men. So ya know.

But I want to love. To be loved and especially to give love in return. I don't make a lot of friends cuz I don't get attached, with the exception of getting adopted, and my best friend who I chose all the way back in 2nd grade. I'm in my early 20s now and her and I live together, so you can see that it means something.

I've also recently started dating this guy who is exactly in the perfect sweet spot of everything I am attracted to, and not just visually. (Who actually cares about appearances anyway?) He's very sweet and kind to me, has a perfect balance of similarities and differences to myself, highly values communication and listens to what I have to say, understands my needs and how I function, and overall matches my energy. (He's very mellow but I'm working to bring out the crazy side I know is in there, lol.) To be honest it's damn near one of those too good to be true things. He's also poly, not entirely cis, and completely embraces my gender identity, or lack thereof. He's devoted and healthily obsessive and possessive and it's mutual. We also completely agree on our stances about kids and marriage, which is that we want neither. (At least not getting married on paper, he absolutely wants to wife me and I'm not mad about it.)

What makes me feel almost guilty, or honestly more like I'm defective, is that he's had all these realizations and transcendent moments that you would expect out of finding the person you're meant to be with. But I haven't. Don't get me wrong, I completely share the sentiments, I want him just as much as he wants me, and the devotion is mutual, I just haven't felt it. I know I love him, I know that I'm happy, I know that what we have is extremely promising and healthy. I just feel like I'm missing what everyone else gets to experience. I've talked about it with him too and he's so very understanding. Maybe I'm just terrified of myself. That I'll ruin it without even knowing, simply because I'm not designed to have this. I also know that thinking that is bad for manifesting.

Like just listen. (I'm also into witchcraft and astrology,) And my literal human design works against some of the things I want. I want to sleep next to him, all the time, but I have genuine trouble sleeping next to another person even just in the same bed as me, let alone within elbow distance. Sometimes it's hard if they're even in the same room. And that fact was literally stated in one of my readings. There's something in my autistic little brain that can't seem to let my breathing match theirs, and it's a natural thing for humans to do, but it somehow drives me crazy. I want to kiss and hold and have sex and all those things, but I'm difficult. Finding satisfaction in intimacy is a literal challenge, even with help from toys or other stimulus. He's been so patient and understanding with that too and it's done wonders for the shame trauma I grew up with, but it's also just frustrating, because I feel constantly inadequate or like I'll accidentally give off the impression that he's not enough. And that's not true. (Even if there's some things he could stand to learn.) It's all just that typical asexual "I feel broken" kind of angst. But it's still a very real experience that haunts me. I'd love to believe that going on T would fix me, but I know it's not true.

Honestly I kinda lost where I meant to go with this. It's very TMI, but he says I feel like home to him, and while I don't think I feel the same thing, wording wise, we both agree that even though it's been almost 3 months, it feels like we've known each other for forever. Please excuse me for being a sap but genuinely I'm like, yah I found it. Cliché romance novel shit and everything. It's been very soft and comfortable so far. I still have to egg him into actually biting me like he means it, but at least I know I'm safe with him. He lets me show a bit of dominance too, so there's not any kind of power imbalance, and I'm so very excited for whatever future we get to have.

Idk. I think I had a lot of other sappy poetic shit to say that I forgot about, but I guess the overall message is that when you know what you want, it doesn't matter if you're ace, aro, anything in between, or nothing at all, you can find the love you're looking for. Have some faith in yourself. You're not broken, you're not missing anything. Whatever kinds of relationships you have, platonic or romantic or anything else, the right people do exist. You just have to first be sure of yourself, and sure of what you're looking for.

Yada yada yada, I'm gonna go take a nap.

[prettyingreen4chris]

rant

hello followers, mutuals, & viewers

I am usually not one to post about this stuff OR involve myself in this drama (which I am not trying to do) but this needs to be spoken upon. Many people have written about this, now including me. I am not a huge tumblr creator and do not have many followers as I joined in March '25, bur I feel the need to speak about this.

The people involved include the following

@mattscoquette @cvnntagious @chrattho1

@sosasturns @snoopychris @whore4mattsturniolo

While all of these creators have publicly apologized many times, it shouldn't have been something posted to begin with. Throwing around the r-slur as if it meant nothing is not funny, nor is it cute in any way. This is not something you should joke about and post to be 'funny' and 'out of context'. The 'r-slur' is a derogatory term that has been used to insult and demean individuals, particularly those with intellectual and development disabilities.

It is extremely offensive and hurtful to people with these conditions, their family, caregivers, and advocates. Using the r-slur is not only disrespectful, but it also perpetuates harmful stereotypes and stigma about people with disabilities.

It is very frustrating to see stuff like this, and I do not get how someone can think it's okay to throw around the slur as if it's some casual joke. Just because it was posted as part of some group chat that thinks they're funny- it does not in any way mean that it is harmless. The fact that they were able to laugh about it and share it, as if it were no big deal, is very messed up.

I see that some people might be like, “Oh, it’s just a joke, lighten up.” But here’s the thing- words matter. They can have a bigger impact than most people realize. The r-slur isn’t just some word. It hurts. It's not some funny, edgy thing to laugh about. And by sharing screenshots of it, you're just continuing that cycle of harm.

People with disabilities, their families, and their communities deal with stigma, discrimination, and hate every single day. They don’t need some random group chat or 'meme' making light of the struggles they face. It’s honestly so disrespectful. Posting a screenshot of someone calling another person a racist slur or any other derogatory term and just be like, “lol, here’s a funny moment from the group chat”? is very hurtful and messed up. The r-slur is no different. It’s harmful, and it perpetuates this gross stereotype that people with disabilities are less than, that they don’t deserve respect, or that it’s okay to make them the butt of a joke.

And here’s another thing- just because you might not feel personally affected by using the word doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt others. We live in a world where not everything revolves around our personal comfort or what we find funny. That’s part of growing as a person, realizing how the words we use affect others. Sharing a screenshot of that slur, or any hurtful language, just spreads negativity. It’s not edgy, it’s not clever—it’s just plain inconsiderate. It’s not about being “too sensitive,” it’s about being respectful.

As a minor seeing grown adults throw it around as if it were some toy, it really messes with your head. If adults are okay with using language that dehumanizes people, what kind of example are they setting? It’s one thing to be ignorant when you're younger, but when you're an adult, you have the responsibility to know better, to understand the harm words can cause. For me, it feels like they’re just brushing off the very real impact those words have on actual people, people who might be watching or even involved in these conversations.

Seeing adults use the r-slur so casually, makes me question if they even care about the people they’re affecting. It's like they're just throwing around something that’s deeply harmful without thinking about the weight behind it, and that’s not the kind of environment I want to be in. If these adults are okay with perpetuating that kind of language, how are younger generations supposed to learn empathy, kindness, and respect for others?

So, it’s time to cut that shit out. If you want to have a group chat and share funny stuff, there are so many better ways to do it without involving harmful language or anything that could cause pain. You can be hilarious and inclusive at the same time. It’s not that hard. But tossing around words like the r-slur? That’s just low and unnecessary. Do better. Honestly, people deserve more than that. It's not funny and never will be.

Stop using that slur.

(more context at @bernardsbendystraws and @darksturnz)

With zero tolerance, signing off, Novah

[lizhly-writes]

that guy was so innocent lmao. just imagining him peering at current transmigrator yhr like "what happened to you, dude??" and our yhr deadpanning, "i got a backstory" lol.

in my head (even tho u said he has no issues), original draft yhr is kind of buying deep into toxic positivity ("if you just focus on all the good things happening right now you can outrun nihilistic existential despair and not think about the dark fate hanging over your head!") + dissociates from reality by considering him and everyone around him "just characters in a novel, it's kinda funny everything that happens, bc of course it would, this is a novel setting meant to be entertaining!" and now i want to him and current yhr to interact longer in a setting where they are siblings. lol

I think it makes sense if neither of them get to be Yang Haoran, because that's just going to be deeply confusing for everyone.

So we'll have Yang Haoyi (current transmigrator) and Yang Haolun (original draft).

Anyway.

"Does it bother you?" Yang Haoyi said, chin propped on his hands, watching his brother voraciously consume some cheap serial he'd picked up from the bookstore.

"No," Yang Haolun said. He rolled over on the bed so he was right-side up again. "Sorry, does what bother me?"

Even without context, it was a fair answer. Very little bothered Yang Haolun. Yang Haolun was a very peaceful in person, in general. He had a certainty about himself that Yang Haoyi would occasionally find himself jealous of.

"You don't remember anything at all," Yang Haoyi said. "Does that bother you?"

There was a pause. Barely noticeable, but still, it was there. "You mean that I don't remember anything about my past life except for some webnovel," Yang Haolun said.

At a young age, they'd realized something was wrong with them. Yang Haolun had been born with the bone-deep certainty that the world around him was playing out some sort of story, and hadn't kept it secret. Yang Haoyi, conversely, had been born with the bone-deep certainty that there was something wrong with his life, and had concluded that it was his brother's viewpoint that was the missing piece.

This seemed to be proven right, when Yang Haoyi could recite snippets of story that Yang Haolun had never told him. As they had gotten older, though, Yang Haoyi began receiving disconnected bits and pieces of some past life that went along with the story. Yang Haolun, in contrast, had never remembered anything of the sort.

In his place, Yang Haoyi could truthfully say he would be bothered. What it did it mean, living out a life and remembering nothing about it except for some random story? Did it mean that your life had been unmemorable? Did it mean there was nothing there at all you wanted to remember?

"Wow, you're thinking really hard about this, huh?" Yang Haolun said. "Drinking Meng Po's soup is the natural state of things, isn't it? The majority of mankind doesn't remember their past life, and they're not mad about it, so why should I be?"

"I remember," Yang Haoyi said.

"So you do," Yang Haolun said. "Congratulations, you're very special. Do you want a prize? I can get you... one ice cream. That'll take up my entire week's allowance, so you better be grateful."

[havin-fun-imagining-twd]

"fondness" LOL

When -- directly after Scary as a sleepy kitten. We're back to season 2, slowpokes. We had taken a brief trip to pre-season 9 for Still beating

Is there a picture of baby Carl at the end as a prize? -- yes, just as Dale describes it to you!

What -- Andrea and Dale thought you and Daryl were a thing? Lol. But like why are you so defensive about it? While also being defensive about the mangy hick, oh, this is confusing...

Perspective -- 2nd person (you)

Pronouns - nada

Who -- You, Andrea, Papa Dale, and Glenn. Daryl's sleeping, he's concussed and fell down a ridge twice with a bolt hole in him, he needs his rest.

How long is this one? -- shorter, about 10 minutes!

TWs -- a few cusses, and reference to Carol's spousal abuse

Reading assignments -- How's your head? Part 2, then souls stripped bare if you want more emotional context, as well as Invisible tugging strings Part 1 but especially -> Part 2 , then Spell your last name, please. , He hasn't been himself, and Scary as a sleepy kitten.

All that for reading assignments?? -- reading is healthy, y'all :P

Choose your fighter: The Full + Official Masterlist vs Chronological Slowpoke Chapters Only (reading them in publishing order as opposed to chronological order is recommended)

have fun and happy reading!

“Ah, the culprit behind Andrea’s little conclusion. How are you?”

Dale finishes matching a pair of socks as he responds with a quiet chuckle, “Just fine, I hope. I see now that the conclusion caused some…offense?”

“Don’t be silly, Mr. H, you meant nothin’ by it,” you play off, and start to help his sort through the pile of clean, dry socks.

“‘Meant nothing by it’ implying there was some offense taken.”

You tuck in your lip, and meant to return eye contact, but you’re still feeling strange about the whole mix-up. With the simple words, “nazi-bike,” you tell him what you consider a fair reason to have taken some offense.

---------------------

20 minutes ago

“Y/N, I didn’t realize,” Andrea says, slowly walking beside you.

“Realize what?”

“You two.”

“Me, too? What’d I do?” Is she talking about how you’ve got the medical wrap on your upper arm, maybe? “Do you mean this?” you question, looking down at your shoulder.

She peers at you, head tilted to the side.

“You and Daryl,” she softly clarifies. ���It was Dale who wondered first, after you had to excuse yourself.”

Me and Daryl? “What’d we do?” Perhaps she's referring to the search today? Andrea isn’t one to not speak her mind, you wonder why she’s not being more succinct. She doesn't know about you having shot that guy. Dale has an idea, but he's tight-lipped about it.

“So, you and he…?” she trails off.

?

So, you start to fill her in about the search. “Before Daryl found the doll, we’d—”

—OH WAIT, now you get it!

---------------------

Once you figured it out, your hands were raised in innocence and you kept your voice lowwww. “Ain’t nothing romantic happened between us two.”

And you weren’t fully sure why you were going into defensive mode so hard, either, but there you went. “C’mon, Andy, there’s a fuckin’ nazi symbol on his drug dealing, motorcycle gang bike,” you’d grit, doing your best to play if cool regardless of how weirdly defensive you’d gotten.

Forcing a smile to cover up for that fact that you licked your teeth in annoyance, you finished up, “He’s my friend, but that right there would be a deal breaker off the bat for aught else. And besides, back at the quarry, we noticed he didn’t seem into people.”

“I’m not entirely sold on that. Maybe, it’s simply that he’s shy and careful and not a pig like his brother was.”

Andrea then had peered at you as if she could see something you couldn’t, which disturbed and annoyed and for some reason thrilled you even more.

You thought about it, and supposed that he did seem to blush that time Amy was headlighting after the first rainstorm at the camp. A squall had come out of nowhere. Last time she ever wore that shirt without a tank top underneath.

Anyway, Daryl had immediately turned his head away, in fact, as opposed to (Merle, obviously, but also) even Glenn, who’d frozen when he’d seen. Amy didn’t know who’d been gaping, but you’d been on the hunt for anyone objectifying your new friend, so had been darting your eyes around like a cat getting ready to pounce, and took inventory of every glance.

That Daryl turned his head so readily was the main reason you’d felt safe enough to ask if him if he’d teach you how to hunt, in all honesty…

“It was his brother’s bike, not his,” Andrea next stated, very like the way older siblings will talk down to younger ones. “Merle was the head, and the dealer. Would you want to be held accountable for what your brother does, his choices?”

That simple reminder made your bow your head, and you could hear your pulse begin to thrum in your ears. You wouldn’t want to be held to Shane’s choices and actions. You still couldn’t (can’t) wrap your head around the fact that he’d just flirted with Lori. And kept flirting after she’d clearly been alarmed by it.

“Something Merle once said made it sound like Daryl wasn’t a big part of the gang,” Andy went on.

However, you got even more defensive at what you were taking as insistence of Dale and Andrea’s little conclusion. “And? He still rode or, or at least hung with them. He still wears the cut sometimes.” 'Sometimes' meaning that spate of a few days when he was particularly sad about Merle...

“‘Cut?’” she repeated, then remembered, “Oh, I remember learning that from Sons of Anarchy, it’s the um, that’s the Boy Scout vest that bikers wear, right?”

Ha. You were cracking up despite yourself, that was funny. Boy Scout vest.

“As for the bike,” Andrea added mildly, “painting over that symbol isn’t on his radar. I mean, routine hygiene isn’t on his radar.”

Nope, you weren’t defensive at all. “…So he’s grimy and desensitized to a nazi symbol. It’s a match.”

With a tut very-like what your eldest sister would make, she stated, “I didn’t remember what the symbol on the bike stood for at first, and I'm a civil rights lawyer. I thought they were stylized lightning bolts.” You heard her breathe deeply as she rested her arms on the livestock fence. “The symbol, the one on Merle’s bike, what’s it mean again?”

“Shoots-stah-full.” You’re bad at pronouncing it and were feeling embarrassed, so spoke it shyly. “SS is easier to say.”

“They were the secret police?” she checked.

“The secret police was the gestapo, the SS were another sort of special branch. Über-jarheads, I guess.”

“See? I only really remembered the swastika as being a nazi symbol, until you and Dale were talking about the symbol on the bike. It’s not unreasonable to think some things in Daryl’s education were forgotten or missed, too.”

That was the point in the conversation when the private knowledge of him having gotten lost for 9 days, as a young child, and without anyone looking for him, slapped you in the metaphorical face. The vivid, awful, and oh-so-fresh memory of seeing his scarred back punched you in the metaphorical gut.

Why did you react so strongly to her assumption in the first place? It’s not a big deal. You’d have probably assumed the same. Like, for goodness sake, you were the one who couldn’t keep the pet names for him from going on parade little over an hour ago. You'd cupped his cheek and kissed his forehead in relief that he was alive!

Either way, there was a (…sane?) inner battle in your head between being offended at Andrea and Dale’s conclusion versus being offended at your own negative reaction to it.

Bitch, he tossed the ‘hard stuff’ this morning, obviously he isn’t a user.

Still ran with the dealers, still was complacent and complicit with it all. And think about how cruelly he insulted you earlier today, how scary he was? You were expecting it to turn into his backhand. It’s something that was plainly done to him, you think he’s unlearned that yet? No, because you remembered how he grabbed you by your arm and dragged you back at the house until you cussed him out.

But then he apologized. Then, when you needed help, he carried you gently and made sure it wasn’t hurting you. You saw how careful he was being, and he isn’t good with touch.

Then he stole Mr. Greene’s horse instead of just asking like a normal person.

He also gave Carol that flower and told her the story to go with it, and meant it.

Before drinking about four beers last night and was hardly buzzed from it.

He carried, buried, and mourned that family of strangers with you today, he’s not some selfish deadbeat, Y/N!

Well, he chain smokes and drives a nazi bike!

And still almost died today three times to give the group—to give Carol—concrete proof that her baby girl’s been near.

Fine! Explain away the r-a-c-i-s-m.

That mangy hick saved Glenn’s life, he saved T-Dog’s life twice. He gave Jacqui extra root beer when she said she loved it, helped the Morales kids learn to throw a punch (and a kick). Y/N, he’s clearly doing some kind of weeding of the bad stuff in him and letting good things take their place, idiot, are you stu—

“Y/N. It wasn’t an attack on you, or a judgment. Amy told me how,” Andy paused to think of a good verb, “discerning you are when it comes to things like that. How strong your boundaries are. And how hesitant you’ve been to enter into a relationship for those reasons.”

She was diplomatic and tactful, you were grateful. You’d have just said ‘old-fashioned, kinda scared, comparatively prudish.’ Lol.

Crossing her arms as she walked, she then drove home, “Maybe I would have trusted your decision, if there was a ‘you two.’”

A slightly stammered “Okay,” was the best you could do right in terms of responding. Let’s be real, sentences aren’t your strong suit on a good day, never mind today.

Andrea stuck her hands into her belt loops and she ambled alongside the fence. You followed, looking out at the cows. One of them had twin calves.

“You gave him the benefit of the doubt before any of us,” she reminded you. “Are you backtracking?”

Your voice cracked when you tried to insist, “I ain’t backtracking on that, it’s j-just been a long day.”

“It’s been something else,” Andrea softly agreed. Her pace slowed a little and she placed her hand on your back as she continued toward the nearest cow field. “I saw Carol washing your stuff. Where’d the bloodstains come from?”

You shrugged. “My stitches ripped.” Ohh damn it, you said it out loud. “Wait, Andy, don’t—please don’t let Shane find out,” came out of your mouth in such a desperate tone of voice that you couldn’t not see a red flag.

“Oh, I won’t.” Andrea’s lips pursed, and she put a hand on her hip. “He’s been acting up.”

One word for it. You closed your eyes, and mumbled, “Thank you. He has been.”

“It doesn’t seem like you to hide stuff from him.”

Hide stuff? “No, it’s the…” After inwardly tugging the halyard to get that red flag down, you give up. Let it fly; you were hiding stuff from your brother, plain fact. Still are. For now, at least.

Andrea said nothing more about it. Again, you were grateful. You also felt stupid.

You stood there in silence for a few minutes, listening to the breeze, the mooing, the birds chirping, the cicadas buzzing.

Once the sun was halfway set, she lead the way back.

“At any rate, back to what we were discussing,” she relaxed her position and gave you something of a teasing smirk. “T-Dog is convinced Daryl’s a good guy, too, so what does that tell you?”

“That Teddy’s a saint,” you answered quietly, mouth twisting into an embarrassed grin. You may or may not sometimes remind her of what a catch you think T-Dog is combined with the fact that he’s single and in her age range. “Andy, where was all this goin’?”

“I have no idea, at first I thought I was being supportive,” she chuckled. “I guess: Daryl is proving to be a different man than we thought. And I’d say you know that better than anyone here.” She inhaled, then made a slight groan. “And, well, I did just shoot him, so maybe I’m biased.”

You held back a giggle. “So you’re tryin’ to set Daryl up to make amends?”

“Mmhm,” she sassed back. “Guess I’ll need a more willing victim.”

“Understood, let’s find Carol, she's half in love with him after today.”

“Perfect, let's get her. She’s probably hanging laundry,” was her initial sarcastic agreement. After a few steps in silence, she grew serious. “Carol needs to learn her worth before we can let a man near near her again. Especially one like Daryl.”

The first half of her statement sent you in for a hug. But the second sentence in her statement put you right back on defense and simultaneous offense. What came out of your mouth as you sought clarification, however, was unproductive. “Seriously?”

Per usual, Andrea remained unruffled. She held a hand up. “Based on what I know, your bar is high enough to do pull-ups on. Now, you’d help hoist someone up to your bar—and would kick off anyone who tried to lower it.” She gave you a pointed look. “Carol’s bar wasn’t only low, Y/N, it was taken down and used to beat her.”

The mental image struck right in the gut.

Blindly, you followed her past the grove of trees where Otis’ cairn lay, so offered a quick blessing in your head for him.

She turned back to look at you. “Do you understand where I was coming from, Y/N?”

You had to swallow some of the emotion down first. “I think so.”

“You and him, I’d be fine with, because your bar is set high and firm. It would imply good things about Daryl.”

After a sniff, you thanked her, that was a very generous compliment. And unfortunately, unable to not be a weirdo, you mumbled this dumb comment: “I can’t be hoistin’ nobody up until my darn shoulder is healed.”

----------------------

Now

“The motorcycle was Merle’s,” Dale lightly defends. Same response as Andrea, but with more of an understanding tone of voice. He was raised Jewish and lost family during the Holocaust, you know that.

Still, why didn't he react with more gusto, then? You hum and end up matching a sock somewhat aggressively. Which is not a sentence you’d ever have imagined thinking.

“Y/N, you can’t fault the man for accepting his dead brother's gas-friendly, easily repairable and reliable mode-of-transport that can go places bigger vehicles cannot. Him being able to go ahead and scope out the roads has been a boon. The emotional connection to the bike in itself would be understandable.”

“Yes, sir.”

He sighs. “My first thought was one of…how to describe it, uh, it was an...” he considers for a moment. “I suppose the best word is ‘confidence’ in Daryl’s character, if you had taken a shine to him.”

“‘Taken a shine to him?’”

“You know, a fondness for each other.”

“A 'fondness?'”

“Though I suppose the camaraderie that you two have is a commendation for him in itself,” he went on, eyeing you with something of an exasperated look. Good humored, though.

You scratch your nose. “I think we all have some kind of camaraderie or, y’know, a ‘shine’ with him after today.” It would be impossible not to. “To be fair, I couldn’t stop callin’ him pet names earlier. There’ve been a lot of up and downs we’ve gone through together the past few days, I’m not lookin’ too deep into it.” And you were merely so relieved that he was alive after getting grazed by that bullet, which is why you pressed your forehead to his and gave it a kiss.

“And he was injured, a circumstance which tends to encourage terms of endearment,” he kindly agreed. “Nothing wrong with that, kiddo. And there’s nothing wrong with acknowledging that he’s not so bad.”

Nodding, Dale points his finger after matching another sock. “For me, what solidified it was when he found out that T-Dog had the blood infection.” He pressed his thumb and pointer finger together. “The man immediately gave us those antibiotics, as well as some painkillers.”

The recollection of that blessed relief trickled from your belly down to your toes and fingertips. And hearing that it had been done ‘immediately��� sent a tightness to your throat. You swallowed.

“However, it was before that, at the quarry, when I really started to trust that the, uh,” he raised his brows, then grinned briefly. “That the ‘first impression’ wasn’t accurate in several ways. One, I imagine you will remember, it was a few days prior to the supply run to the city. The last supply run, as it were.”

You nod. You’d been barred from going due to an uptick in getting migraines the previous two-ish weeks. Must’ve been the barometric pressure or something.

“Daryl had been looking for you, found fresh tracks close to the campsite, if I recall.”

Just then, Glenn walks over with his mouth full of something—oh snap, he’s got a container of honey wheat pretzels. Yay!

He plunks it in the middle of you and Dale and begins to help with the sock-sorting and laundry folding.

Like a starving Dickensian orphan, you zero in on the pretzels and quickly stuff a few too many into your mouth. Glenn finds this very funny, cracks up, and now you’re trying not to snarf as you desperately try to chew and swallow.

“I gave half my supper away,” you do your best to enunciate as you crunch.

“Glad you’re doing better after passing out earlier.”

You press a finger to your lips and subtly shake your head, just in case your brother would somehow overhear it.

“Anyway,” Dale gets back to it, with a handful of the pretzels for his own, “after I explained to him that you were indisposed, he seemed irked, wandered off. Some time later, however, he came back to me with a sports drink in his hand, asking if you’d left your tent yet. It seems that he intended the beverage to go to you.”

The memory kicks in and, mid-motion and mid-chew, you stop reaching to grab the mate to the sock in your hand. Another sensation spreads through your belly, a nice but nervous one. Your eyes flit up at Dale, who paused to take a drink from his water bottle.

“I hadn’t seen you or Amy leave your tent at that point, so let him know,” he narrated, capping his bottle again. “Except, on his way back to his and Merle’s spot, he slowed and crouched to look under the truck. Then, he held out the bottle.” Dale next makes a chuckle that probably qualifies as a ‘guffaw,’ it’s a proper old man belly-laugh. “And to my quite vocal alarm, a skinny, pale little arm popped out from underneath and took it!”

The name “Gollum?” is the unfortunately first thing that enters into your head and, yes, you say it out loud…but it’s cool, because Glenn happens to say at the same time, “Like Sméagol.”

“You’re such a nerd.”

“Look who’s talking, dork,” he pokes right back.

“My mind went to the two children hiding behind the Ghost of Christmas Present’s cloak, personally,” Dale muses, then continues the story. “Daryl wandered off on his way after that, but, naturally, I hopped down from the RV to see who on earth was under there." He lifts a shoulder. "I bend down to see who but our young Carl! The boy had already drunk half the bottle, said he felt much better for having done so. It seems he’d felt sick before and crawled under the truck to escape from the sun.”

Daryl gave your Carl a gatorade, too, and said not a word about it.

Good Moses, just when you thought you’d tamped down any notion of irrational affectionate feelings toward that mangy hick...

“With that, little Luis came dragging Miranda over with a cup of water—Miranda had been watching the boys while Lori was out foraging for mushrooms, Eliza must have been with Sophia and Carol.” Another sip from his water bottle. “Mmm. Those mushrooms were a treat,” he said mainly to himself. "Y/N, he found you later and gave you the beverage before you washed up, if I'm not mistaken? He came by with another bottle, I directed him to the quarry lake after seeing you head down with a wash bucket."

You nod. Was it obvious that you flushed when he told you the story?

Because you feel flushed, and that’s with the cool breeze outside this evening. You fold a shirt. Some undies. Match another pair of socks…then you figure you should say something, you’ve been too quiet and Dale is looking at you expectantly. “C-Carl does have a way of, uh, slippin’ out of sight.”

“Like a hobbit.”

“Just like a hobbit, Glenn, the boy coulda burgled us blind.”

Your friend remains mock-serious. “He still might.”

“He’s a tricksy one.” And with that, you take more pretzels. Maybe if you feed the butterflies in there, they’ll get tired and nap. Or, if you stuff enough into your belly, there won’t be enough room for them to fly.

“Hey, saw Shane’s setting up his own tent,” your friend mentions.

“Mm. Privacy will be nice.” You kept your face and voice nonchalant, except for maybe searching a little too intently for the matching sock that was plainly in front of yo—owww, you reached too far with your bad arm.

When you found out from Lori last night about the new baby and who the biological father potentially might could be, it’d felt like the seed of dread that had taken root in you however many months back, regarding Shane, had blossomed.

Now, after you caught him flirting with a very unreceptive and visibly shaken Lori, it feels like the plant shot up and was now pushing against your insides. It’s a wonder the irrational butterflies in your stomach even have room.

“That sound good, Y/N?”

“Huh?”

Glenn nudges you with the side of his foot. “Can you join?”

“Join what?”

“I told you, head was in the clouds,” Dale commented, kindly razzing you.

“Jimmy and I are playing board games later, we want you to come. Beth will be there, too. And maybe Maggie? I-I don’t know…” His cheeks turn purple-red. “Sound good?”

“Yeah, sounds real good. On the porch?”

“Yup.”

“Cool. I’ll be right in the house tonight, anyhow.”

“No way?”

“Way. Daryl needs overnight supervision, I think Carol might will be helping, too?”

Dale looks up from his lap. “Oh, did he enjoy the spam and eggs that she made for him?”

“Not sure, he was asleep last I knew.”

“Ah, that’s right, yes,” he remembered. “Well, maybe in that case she’ll have the pleasure of watching him eat and enjoy. I tell you, it smelled heavenly. She was very intent on making something special for him.”

The first half of what you said was totally innocuous, if maybe on the wishy-washy side.“Who could blame her? After today, she’s probably half in love with the guy.”

But then you followed it up with, “Who isn’t?” and you knew right then that you’d misspoken.

Dale’s made a point to keep his eyebrows level, as if that would help him hide his surprise and suppressed grin better.

But Glenn was under no such pretense, and your best friend dead-ass coughed his mouthful of pretzel.

“Dude—” you go to say.

He held up his hands after getting the pretzel bits off them. “I didn’t say anything.”

You held up yours, too. “I was bein’ objective.”

“Okay, Amy,” he said regarding your choice of word. Amy liked the word ‘objective.’

“Calling me that’s a compliment.”

“We are all objectively in love with Daryl?” he repeated. “Isn’t that a little…wait. Dude, are you saying you—”

“—It was hyperbole.”

“But you’re not, like, do you like him?”

“Now, Glenn,” Dale starts.

That surge of both self-defense that people would think you’d be into a grating racist or that one would be into you collided and was catalyzed with protectiveness against the poor man. That wonderful sumbitch has been on a solid redemption arc, let anybody try to deny it. “Define ‘like.’”

“Like like.”

“Bless your heart, no!” What is with people today? “However, I want you to think back over how he was when we done first met that mangy hick, to today, in terms of his behavior. Try and make like he ain’t grown. Don’t you love a good redemption arc?”

Glenn considered it. “Fair.”

The awful thought that Glenn might not believe you and might think less of you only worsens the mosh pit that is your stomach right now. “I’m gonna, um, g-go grab some of my stuff, bring it inside.”

“Wait, bumpkin, I wasn’t trying to, like—I meant it more as, um,” he can’t seem to get the wording right.

You’re making it worse, man. “Dude, it’s cool, you didn’t mean nothing by it.”

“But like—”

“—Glenn, I’ma start chargin’ a quarter for you using too many ‘likes’ per sentence.”

“Perfect, I’ll charge you for talking too hillbilly.”

Eh. You reckon admit you’ve been speaking a lot more twangy now than you had been at the quarry camp. There’d just been so many new people, you’d toned it down. Maybe being around more folk people who talk like you is why you’ve let it fly. “It’s a deal.”

“Good — you owe a quarter for saying ‘when we done first met’ Daryl,” he races to say.

“And you owe me one for how many likes you done sprinkled durin’ this here conversat—shoot! Did that count?”

“Yup.”

Dale, entertained by the looks of it, cuts in, “See, this is why I’ve been thinking that you two had a fondness for each other.”

“Aw, hear that, buttface?” you giggle, folding the last undershirt from the pile.

“Fondness.” He makes an exaggerated curious face and strokes what would be there if he had a mustache.

“You two expect me to believe there wasn’t fondness between you two?” Dale remarks with a bit of a tut thrown in.

“There still is, it’s just different now,” you insist. And immediately hop into gear to (gently) bust your friend’s balls. “Especially now that Glenny-boy here’s got his eye on a certain mystery lady.”

He’s right there with you. “And now that Y/N’s apparently hopelessly in love with Daryl.”

“There’s such fondness,” you barely manage to say without laughing, as much as it makes your newly stitched abdomen ache.

Dale sighs and throws back a gulp of his water as if it were something stronger. “Glenn, just tread lightly with the certain mystery lady, is all I ask. And Y/N, kiddo,” he looks at you. And winks? “I trust you completely with Daryl.”

“What?” Glenn protests, to which you just slap your leg and snicker “Ha!”

“If between you, there ever was a…” Dale pauses long enough for you to see the twinkle in his eye. “Fondness.”

----------------------

----------------------

And here's the picture from Dale's memory

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[bee-ina-boat]

hi friends :D! i FINALLY finished my concept art for mythos!Jon and im so happy with him- look at him. plese. i spent so long on this

the sketches were all of my initial concept art for him! he's. so fun to draw. even if it did take me a bit to figure out how to do so. i love his hair ;_; <3

overall his design is very inspired roman Catholicism but. like. more fun? idk lol i just vibe with it. might make the tie darker? and the gloves with his cassock might look good with another color? eh! whatev, i might change it i might not- but this is it so far :D!

for context the Magnus Mythos is an au where the fears are gods rather than paranormal entities like in canon- here is my initial post on that if you want to know more! or if you just want to see art of the Ceaseless watcher :3!!! im really so happy so many of y'all seemed to like it ;w; it makes me feel so warm aa ilu all <3

putting all Jon's lore stuff under the cut!!!

highly recommend you read the linked post because alot of this probably wont make much sense otherwise dsjgfdjgfdb-

so, as a young child Jon grew up neutral on religion. his grandmother didn't favor any one of the gods more than the other and that sort of thinking carried over to him for a good while

when Jon was 8, he had a close encounter with a creature born from the Web: a giant spider that would tell you your fate (and possibly offer you a gift) if you gave it a sacrifice

Jon had found an old fable book with a map to it's nest. of course he had no intention of following it, just enjoying the stories inside! but a thief snagged the book from him- and upon realizing what the book led too -took Jon with him as his sacrifice

when they reached the nest after a long journey, the thief presented Jon to the spider. but the spider did not take him, it took the thief- and the little Jon could only watch, frozen in terror, as his captor was eaten by the giant spider.

after it finished its meal, the spider told Jon that his fate was of a cosmic importance, "I'm quite excited to see how this plays out," it said.

naturally this was kinda traumatizing for the child that literally just wanted to read but ok :l

the whole experience brought jon a phobia of spiders, a distrust and fear of strangers, general paranoia, ptsd, and a rejection of the webs power and the concept of fate as a whole

now- its not uncommon for some people to reject the powers of certain gods? some things born from their power are quite unpleasant, so there are steps one may take to protect themselves from the powers of one or more of the gods. (its complicated to explain but i hope that makes sense-)

suffice to say jon does NOT want to be controlled or have his fate decided by anyone or anything like that! being THAT important is scary!!! so he tries very hard to prevent any powers of the web coming near him- and he also tries to keep a low profile so he can live a calm and peaceful life without. yknow. being an important part of the fate of the entire bloody world.

he turns to the cult of the Beholding for salvation. after all, its whole thing is being aware and knowing things, and jon wanted nothing more than to know what wanted to hurt him and what didn't.

moving to London, he joined the House of Magnus, and went from a devotee to a researcher.

he became friends with Tim: a man who turned to the beholding out of his own rejection for the Stranger, and Sasha: a young woman who'd worshipped the beholding and worked at the house of magnus her entire life.

things were great for a while, and then the head archivist, Gertrude Robinson, disappeared.

normally the previous archivist would choose someone to pass the position down to, but her disappearance meant that the current head of the church, Elias, would have to choose instead. and he gave the position to Jon

it was absurd! Jon didn't want the position of archivist- everyone knew about the prophecy and Jon certainly didn't want that much pressure on him!!

not to mention- it became pretty much expected that Sasha would become the next archivist! given her history of devotion, her skills, all the work she did for everyone, hell- Gertrude even mentored her for half her life for god's sake!

Elias's reasoning was that Gertrude had broken the Archivists oath: to always protect and preserve knowledge. he claimed that the Ceaseless Watcher itself had requested Jon rather than Sasha, as Gertrude's choices were not to be trusted. and it was not up for debate what their patron wanted...

so there was no choice. jon was terrified, sasha was devastated, and tim was furious for them both.

the ceremony went on, jon was given the Watchers Crown (the sacred headpiece of the archivist) and then he went down to the archives with tim and sasha as his chosen assistants.

Elias sent down another down with them- Martin, a librarian who devoted himself to both the eye and the web. Jon was not so keen to be trusting a devotee of the web, especially with all the stress going through his head at the moment- so he wasn't very warm to martin.

as the archivist- jon does his best to do the work he was given, frequently requesting help and teachings from sasha as she clearly knew more about this than him. all throughout, he squished any spider he found. and stubbornly refused to give in to any possible notion of him being the one from the prophecy. he couldnt be. he refused it.

but the will of one man is far outweighed by that of a god, and at some point he just might have to accept the responsibility he deep down knows is his...

AAAAAAAAAAA THAT WAS ALOT- if you read this entire fucking essay then just know i love you so so so much and i am hugging you tightly ;_;

thanks for dealing with another round of my brainrot!! im thinking of working on sasha, martin, or the web's design next :3

[galvanizedfriend]

hiii fav <33 how are you holding up?

question of the week about TW: both in the story and in your posts, you've mentioned multiple times that Klaus saw Eve as the closest thing to a sirebond, something that will forever connect him to Caroline, more than an actual living being.

Obviously, it changes from the very moment he hold her for the first time, but still... do you think Eve will ever find out about that? and how would she react?

it's implied that she's daddy's little princess and I highly doubt it will change as she gets older, so I really think it would be great material for some angst !!!

i always pictured a domino effect: Eve finds out about this, she's heartbroken and has a identity crisis, someone try to talk to her but somehow she finds out that also Elijah didn't saw her as a baby, too, more like a mean to an end to save the family, and then everything would go 100x worse.

I'm really curious about your take!

love u xoxo

I have never really thought about that lol I don't think Eve will ever find out because it's just not true anymore. Klaus is obsessed with her, and she very much feels that. They became attached at the hips, so I don't think there's anything anyone could say that would make her doubt that. There's just not evidence to back up such an accusation. If anything, they'll be using how much he loves her (and the fact he can't/won't stab her and put her in a box "for her own protection") against him.

It's also not that Klaus saw Eve as a type of sirebond. It's more that it took him time to embrace exactly what she meant to him, what being her father would entail, and deal with how conflicted he felt over it. It was easier to think of her as Caroline's baby rather than his or theirs. Complex emotions are processed in very unorthodox ways in this man's head, so. I mean obviously, he didn't want to have kids. He hadn't spent centuries of his life resenting the fact he couldn't have children anymore, he didn't lose a single night of sleep over that. His siblings were all the family he needed or wanted, and even they caused him enough grief. And that's not even going into all the trauma associated with the father figures in his life, or with how he thought he'd lost Marcel. So when Caroline becomes pregnant, he's not immediately invested in the idea of having a baby who would be extremely vulnerable and instantly become a target for all the enemies he's made over the course of a 1000 years pissing people off. The man didn't have a single paternal bone in his body, the one child he'd ever raised had seemingly turned his back on him, put Mikael on his trail and usurped his throne, so it's safe to say that it did not exactly put Klaus in a celebratory mood. But he obviously grew protective of it because, well, first, it was Caroline, and second, he realized that like ir not, it was something that connected the two of them. So how he felt for Caroline was a starting point, for sure, to help him embrace the whole idea. He would protect that baby regardless, even if it was someone else's, but the fact that it was theirs slowly began to mean something as well, especially because in the context of The Wolf it's Caroline's positive influence, so to speak, which helps him to feel more confident in his abilities to raise a young human being without screwing up too hard the way he was screwed up by his parents.

And that is the idea that slowly evolved throughout the story until Klaus finally went from this is Caroline's child to this is my child as well. But from the moment he holds her for the first time he is totally gone, instant love, no going back, and it has nothing to do with Caroline anymore. He just loves his daughter, period.

Thanks for the ask, friend! Hope you have a lovely week!

[ihopesocomic]

Another way I think IHS is better than MP that I don't think anyone else has mentioned yet is the comedy. You guys certainly do a far more competent job at placing comic relief at the right and appropriate moments. Moments like Adamant's flashback to how her head got stuck in a meerkat hole and Quiet sang despite the former being annoyed. Or when Fade the squire freaks out like a little cat when Diamond gives him a good swipe! You guys do it well and it doesn't interfere with the comic's tone.

To be fair, it's very easy to be funnier than MP. It had no idea what it was doing for drama, and comedy is WAY harder to write. Which is why I'll never write a comedy LOL I know my limits. But thank you! I ask for all kinds of input on it, so it's good to see that people are enjoying it for what it is. Using humor sparingly in something like this helps to break the tension. Which is really all I need it to be.

I know comedy is subjective but there's still basic rules to follow, based on context (and geography). So it's really important to establish early on what kind of mood you're going for. So it's not jarring when there's humor later. This is like. Basic shit about genres. It's not forbidden knowledge, this is just stuff people know without realizing, so I expect people in the industry to know this better than anyone.

I know some of you might be thinking "What humor?". First of all, exactly. Second, I'm talking about A) Hover's ableist jokes at Nothing and Quickmane. B) Hover's near-constant deflection every time she opens her stupid mouth in episode 3. C) Shit like after Feather makes his big anime protagonist speech in episode 6, Nothing is all "How aboot we start with getting some sleep tonight before fixing the whole world?" like not only was that not funny, but it was literally after this kid broke down about his family being killed and hating Pride Law, like read the room Nothing, jfc. D) In episode 7 Powerstrike being like "I know she did (love me). Only Sunce knows why." And she laughs about it, like was that meant to be funny? Was it tongue in cheek? I still don't know. But all I could think about is how abusive she was to her daughter right before she disappeared. So whether it was meant to be funny, or her coming to some sort of realization about herself, it doesn't matter because she's trying to find humor in her being an abusive fuckin parent while her kid still cares about her.

Then there's Ghost in episode 10, where we presumably hear (from Ghost) Tangle's last sobs of desperation before getting mercilessly killed by someone he trusted. Whether or not you feel Fire deserved psychological torture or not isn't really the point. The point is MP thought that after Nothing gets the shit beaten out of her, and tells Fire to kill her, it was a good time to lighten the mood. Which is just disturbing. Or as someone tried telling me "It's a dark comedy, it's supposed to be disturbing". Like yeah, I know what dark comedy is. Some of my favorite movies are dark comedies. But that's the big difference here isn't it? MP isn't a dark comedy, it's barely a comprehensive story. I know what it was trying to do in the scene, and it didn't work due to the scenes leading up to it, I dunno what else to tell you.

It's fine if you find it funny, I find lots of unfunny things funny. I still think this is funny. I could honestly go on about this scene, it pisses me off in a way other scenes don't, but I've already rambled too much.

Like there's a fewwwww places I could probably fit in humor if I was writing MP? But I would start by having Hover know what fuckin tact is. But I'm not a professional. - Cat

[kafus]

what's your personal story with lumineon? i'm really happy to see empoleon, cradily, and fidough here since they're some of my own favorites! - 🦢

ogh ty for asking, i forget if i've shared this before but even if i have i'm doing it again LOL

even though FRLG was my first pokemon game, for a variety of reasons, i consider sinnoh/gen 4 to be my true childhood pokemon games. despite this, my childhood memory is extremely spotty (i am almost 24 years old + i have a severe dissociative disorder, i don't remember shit ever LOL) and so my memories of actually playing gen 4 are very few and far between. but lumineon is involved in two of the ones i still manage to hold onto

in pokemon diamond, i actually completed the natdex as a child, which was an arduous process that took me a Really long time, i don't know how long. i unfortunately no longer have this save file. gen 4 was obviously the dawn of wifi features and i always wanted to complete my dex in FRLG but i couldn't because i didn't have the hardware/games to trade with myself and i didn't have friends (in fact i was bullied pretty severely for liking pokemon, i had to change schools) so when i could use the GTS and trade with people online i got VERY excited about dex completion, and just like, interacting with people. i managed the task with a mix of breeding eevees and evolving them into eeveelutions as trading chips on the GTS and using my mom's yahoo account without her permission to ask for trades from people on fucking Yahoo Answers lol (sorry mom SDJKSD)

i don't actually remember doing most of this, i was just able to put it back together with context clues from my pearl file that survived and things i am just vaguely aware happened but don't actually have Sensory Memory of. BUT what i do remember is that one night i realized i was finally almost done and somehow the finneon line is the one line of pokemon i never got. they were the Final Dex Entries i needed. i did everything in a really weird order and wasn't prioritizing the sinnoh regional dex lol

so i went and caught a finneon and grinded it to evolve it into lumineon. i think the reason i remember this is because i was so close to being done, i was way more impatient with grinding than usual, and then just like. the sheer pride and relief i felt when that finneon evolved and then scrolling through the complete dex list is like nothing i had ever felt before gonna be honest. high point of my childhood

even back then i formed an attachment to lumineon in this moment and i used that lumineon for other stuff in sinnoh. i don't remember how i found this out, but one of the first competitive doubles strategies i ever learned was that thunder always hits in rain, and i knew that my lumineon had rain dance through level-up and i had a luxray with thunder, and i was Obsessed with pokemon battle revolution, so i have a brief memory of spamming thunder with my luxray after setting up the rain with lumineon and being really proud of myself for that (even though there's way more optimal ways to do this that i'm aware of now LOL, cut me some slack i was 8 years old)

this is a really long explanation cause i wanted to really emphasize WHY this meant so much to me as a kid but tldr lumineon was the last remaining pokemon left for me to get the dex entry for in sinnoh as a kid and it was a culmination of a lot of months of work and then i went on to use that lumineon in battles and yeah shoutout to lumineon

[plasticfangtastic]

Pssst... Try not to take what they say in interviews too seriously. Sometimes things will be intentionally vague or an outright lie to confuse or appease people or throw them off from something. Ennis is infamously known for that although I don't think everyone realizes he does this, but he's also working on the show with them.

They said Marie surviving "wasn't as simple as them needing her alive" and it's kinda funny to see fans take it one way or the other when that can be so many different things in context of The Boys universe and especially what we saw in Gen V.

"Plans to kill Homelander" is Billy every season without success, but even if he did, I think we'll see him getting haunted by Homelander big time after the fact. I still want Hughie to be the one who kills Billy but maybe it's beyond the grave Homelander who's there as Billy is dying instead of Becca. I think that would be fitting and Billy honestly deserves it.

There's definitely an element of groundwork they are following from the comics which has been pretty consistent but what I really suspect will happen is that the control virus will end up used on Homelander by someone to purely weaponize him. I think we'll see him become an attack dog and fully efficient berserker without getting to enjoy any of it and having a different sort of mental break after.

The comics sort of rob you of the gratification Homelander's death could give and I think they want to recreate that effect for the show but who knows.

The scary part for me is all the genocide apologism that is going around but The Boys is sort of meant to unmask people and have us reevaluate the way we think so I guess I shouldn't be too surprised. Still hurts though.

As far as Cate "going too far", he's technically right. Not because Shetty wasn't a complete scumbag who wouldn't deserve death, but because she'd been completely neutralized with Cate's powers.

Neutralizing someone by killing them and killing someone who has already been neutralized are two very different things. Just jail her and let her suffer and stew in her own anger and actions knowing she lost at that point because death is the easy way for someone like that. She asked for them to just make her forget but Cate should have forced her to remember or even live through the memories of her victims.

Actually, if they wanted to make Billy fail and survive with Homelander permanently haunting him I'd be completely down for that because fuck that genocidal shithead.

Lol I don't know if this will make you feel any better but just things to think about I guess.

I could see Homie being a ghost haunting Billy as Billy already hallucinates Homelander for some reason that they still havent explained but he its a cash cow for Amazon and they might not just give us 5 seasons so I doubt the execs would want to get rid of him... the writers ans Kripke might hate HL but audiences have proven he its likable and profitable and frankly the idea that all of HL fans are maga type fascist its absurd bcuz my gay brown ass sure as fuck isnt maga and i adore him.

Its getting clear that they will copy the comic to some degree like Homie building an army to have a coup and Billy wanting to use a virus to commit genocide.

Will disagree on Cate v Shetty cuz absolutely nothing she did was wrong in my opinion and yes am being an apologist but i dont feel anything for killing child abusers like absolutely nothing. this bitch was Voguelbaum lite and everybody in the woods deserved it. My only issue its just how jarring the writing and ediring made the whole scene play out but its likely the shortened ep count and time per ep did that.

My ideal ending its Homelander winning and realizing it didnt fix anything and that now he its even more alone than before. I think bad guys winning its the most subversive thing for the stale af genre of superhero media. I want him to win not bcuz i love him but bcuz it would be more devastating for the narrative and shocking to the audience if he did.

[glowingsavepoint]

ok i wasnt going to post anything about this until i finished the entire thing but the side stories are making me really regret not posting the chapters of my fanfic that have been finished because no ones gonna believe i came up with this stuff years before reading them lol

its gonna be a long time til im ready to share the entire story (if ever) but ive realized now i really want at least the opening paragraphs of the first chapter to be read by others, even i never finish the rest... hope u guys like it

Yes… I was certainly called that once upon a time.

_____________

My name was Kim Dokja.

A name pronounced like "reader". A name that meant "only son". Yeah… this name got me into a lot of trouble, didn’t it?

The name felt both foreign and familiar, like a walk down the street of your childhood home after many years away. A backdrop so similar yet never the same, populated by faces you no longer recognize.

It was strange.

I used to be so sure that I hated that name. Hated the body attached to that name. Hated its memories and its thoughts. Hated the very life that was "Kim Dokja".

As far back as I could remember, I had wanted so badly to cast those things away. I would have done anything, to stop being myself.

「But… it was strange.」

It was strange because I had definitely succeeded.

After 28 (or so) years of life, I had finally utterly ceased to be myself. I had become nothing more than a point of awareness. A being with no body, no name, no memories, no thoughts. A being with just a single desire.

「The desire to read.」

And read I did.

I read the stories of many people. An uncountable number of people. They were people like me. Readers to their cores and sick of their own circumstances, desperate to slip into the lives of others and wear them like a new coat.

Well, to be exact… they weren’t just like me.

They were me.

Or perhaps more accurately, I was them. I was them but I wasn’t them. I was the "them" that watched them. I was their subconscious. I was their higher self. I was what they were when they peeled away the layers of their egos, when they peered into the depths of their souls and forgot themselves. I was what told them they were here. I was what told them to keep going. I was their desire to continue, to finish the story, to keep reading, reading, reading.

I was the reader that read their stories, the protagonist that lived their stories, the writer that wrote their stories, and I was what confirmed their very existence.

I had once read that a particle collapsed its wave-function only after being observed.

Early quantum physicists had conducted experiments where they fired particles one by one at two small slits placed in front of a detection wall.

When the slits went unobserved, the particles formed an interference pattern on the wall behind them, as a wave would—behaving as if they had somehow gone through both slits simultaneously. The unwatched particles, astonishingly, seemed to exist in a superposition of all possible states and probabilities. Everywhere and yet nowhere all at once.

Only after a measuring device was placed by the slits (to find out which one the particles had actually gone through) did they collapse into just a single possibility, clearly passing through just one slit and forming a pattern consistent with that observation.

Scientists were stumped, how could a measuring device change the state of matter? It was as if the simple act of observing was somehow essential to determining what had previously seemed unquestionable: reality itself.

「Without someone to witness existence… would anything even exist?」

So I became the sole observer of this existence. I read their stories and I gave the universe its shape. I was the Order that gave context to Chaos. I was the Chaos that gave Order its purpose. I was the One that had become Two. I was the Two that wished to be One. I was the Character singing their tale. I was the Fable they wished to tell.

I was no one.

「I was everyone.」

I was nothing.

「I was everything.」

I was the Universe itself. I existed only to tell others they exist, so that they, in turn, would perpetuate existence.

「And in doing so…」

I had succeeded completely in wiping "myself" out of this existence.

...

So why...? I wondered, in a half awake state.

「Why do I still exist?」

And why—oh god—did that make me so happy...