#cant i live without doing physics
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i need to start studying
how do the funniest people manage to be so smart. this dude in my class, we've watched the same shows, like the same sort of humour, yet he gets to be smart!!
i should really be studying, BUT I JUST CANT
I know how important it is, yet for some reason, i cannot concenterate. one day i study like i have no life other than studies, the next day im back on track.
there's no foolproof answet to this is it? or if there is why do i not know it!! i desperately need to study.
also the days i dont study, the guilt eats me up, and then i sleep deciding id study a lot, and guess what? i dont end up studying and the cycle repeats.
i only have the next 5-6 months for studying, and its scaring the shit out of me
oh and let me tell yall, if i dont score well, my parents wont show it, but will be so disappointed in me, which i cannot watch happen. this is so sad ugh.
rya.
#cant study#bored af#need to study#someonepleasesuggestsomeplan#permissiontokms#this is so sad#cant i live without doing physics
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I love them so much
(even if they keep kicking my ass)
#my art#hollow knight#pure vessel#the hollow knight#hk#hollow knight fanart#hk pure vessel#I momentarily gave up on the fourth pantheon because I was getting physically sick HWNXOANHD#I will do it eventually#its not that I cant beat pv#more than I can't do it IN the pantheon#and redoing everything each time was killing me#HELDIWNDH guys I swear I know how to play games responsably without mental/physical backlash#(I don't)#(I hyperfocus on things and forget how to live)#EDIT: I BEAT IT!!!!!!
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#chika takiishi#endo yamato#hi i kno im not really active on here but im disappointed by the chika hate on here over endo#especially when endo is no saint himself#if people looked into their character profiles endo has made it so chika cant physically live without him#getting tattoos only they in the world can#and then trying to forcibly bring sakura with him before deciding not too#also chika doesnt even hate endo either#the relationship is mutually toxic so please do not woobify endo a whole ass stalker and manipulator#i love him but hes not someone in desperate need of a hug? he's gotten what he wanted at the end of the noroshi war arc#anyway chika takiishi haters dni/srs
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sometimes looking at like Self Help Strategies lists for the symptoms I'm having is always just like:
thing that I already do
thing I have tried 10 times
thing I already do
thing that I don't have the money to do
thing I already do
thing I've been doing since I was 10yrs old to no avail
thing that is impossible given my situation
thing that doesn't apply to me
thing that I already do
thing I have already tried
hrmm, oh wait, maybe finally- OH, yeah.. okay. thing that I already do but it was just phrased slightly differently
thing I have already done
#I think maybe productivity tips help less if the reason you're unproductive is partially like.. physcial health and other extenral things#out of your control. rather than just like having trouble paying attention or spending too much time on tiktok or whatever#all the strategic to do lists in the world are not going to somehow prevent me from waking up with a debilitating migraine or whatever#or having external stressors or lacking resources and connections or other Productivity Essentials etc.#especially many tips involve stuff like 'cut off from social media' since thats the modern day time waster for so many poeple#and it's like.. lol.. i can hardly even maintain a blog even thuogh i actively WANT TO DO SO. 'shut off your smart phone!' already#done babey i fucking hate smart phones i shall never use an app unless i am forced to. 'delete tiktok' yep. already covered. tiktok and#all of those thinsg are my enemies. 'save money by cancelling some of your services' cool. already ahead of you.#who the fuck is out here paying for like 10 different subscription services. pirated videos uploaded to google drive and youtube to mp3#my beloved. etc. etc. and so on. 'socialize less' .........LOL.. if only you knew.. mr.writer of the article. i can barely muster#talking to friends more than once a month and even less if I'm actively sick (often occurence) etc. etc. ... hewoo#I think maybe instead of generic productivity tips I need more like.. how to refocus and be productive anyway even if you have a headache#or are nauseous or etc. Not that those are always things to ignore. and of course you should let your body rest and etc. But plenty of peop#e have mild physical symptoms and just work through them. Ithink something about the way my body/mind is SOO hyper attuned to all#sensory information just makes it like... constantly 'GRR well I cant focus on WRITING right now because my lef#t ear feels weird and my socks are too itchy and my back has a strange pressure and I'm vaguely warm and my eye feels some ssort of#way it doesnt normally feel and I'm hyperaware of my breathing and also nauseous for no reason' and like half of those things I#think '''normal''' people wouldnt even notice or at least would be able to just live through. but for me it's like.. nealry impossible to i#gnore and soooo distracting always. like 'wahh.. nooo we can't draw or get anything done.. my legs feel slightly heavy or something!!'#like............. ok......... who cares. thats not even a PAIN sensation it's just something weird. but it's just like.. NO. constant#mental alerts about the 'heaviness' of your legs be upon ye. Though Imean like.. yes.. 70% of the time I am in genuine pain#or having some sort of actual ailment with trackable physical symptoms. but sometimes it's just like... we could totally be working right#now and ignoring this silly thing but my brain is fixated on it for no reason uncontrollably. etc. etc. I guess it's the same way that like#most people can go to a grocery store without the whole experience being so overwhelming and so much stuff going on at once#that they have to rest afterwards but like.. in my own HOME doing NOTHING i feel like I should be able to not get overwhelmed lol. ANYWAY#Rolling my bastard little rock up a dumbass hill and so on and so forth
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you NEVER need to wait “until you have the money” to start practicing witchcraft. you do not need ANY money for witchcraft. you can have all the money in the world and practice witchcraft every single day without spending a single cent on it. everything you need you already have, inside of you and around you as well.
#i mean this literally. incredibly literally.#you can do advanced forms of magic without ANY MONEY. even if you live in a city and cant forage or anything.#you have YOURSELF. and you are a powerful being.#energy work! look at that! you need nothing for it!#you can INCLUDE ANYTHING in your craft#you dont even need to though#witch tips#witchblr#beginner witch#baby witch#closeted witch#closet witch#this is from a secular witchcraft perspective btw ik there are religious practices that require specific tools etc. but i know nothing abou#those because i am a pantheist pagan lmao#but i mean. i know a little bit about deity work so im also gonna say you don’t necessarily NEED anything to work with them either!#unless its a specific tradition youre following#but offerings can be actions instead of physical goods. you can do divination using like.. the clouds.#AND TECH MAGIC! if you can see this right now then you have every form of tech magic available to you right now.#txt
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Im not even sticking around for the drama that stuff gives me heart diseases im just here to see where this guys gonna lead us and to make fun of him if it ends up bad and ignore it if it was good
#That one tweet the good sir made abt comparing the stories (potential) ending to onk's lifted one of my eyebrows now im intrigued#Ive always had issues with it since I started it lmao#its good at making people think unfortunately theres just 1 too many flaws in how it executes it now were here#Like i said if he really wanted this to nail the landing its should've just been a multiple choice video game / visual novel / whatever#Not only will we get to see the other routes we'll have more things to discuss with eachother#and the fandom is less likely to turn into a political argument twitter esque cesspool#Like i understand why a live big audience like this was chosen; The IRREVERSIBLE Community Voting nails the 'This is what you wanted'#idea home; where all participants who are interested are directly put in the chair of Jury & Judge & even though YOUR idea might seem good#not everyone would agree with it#Like its good on paper but seriously it wouldve worked better if it just focussed on 1 guy per viewing like idk disco Elysium or umineko or#any other well known well thought out ''Your actions & thoughts have consequences'' games#Like you put 10 (/11) characters in the spotlight & youre supposed to figure out everyones deal and judge them correctly#but we cant do that when theres 1. only 3 chances to change the direction of their development / get deeper insight#2. They dont even exist outside of the main attraction which are the mvs#3. They can just die unsatisfyingly without any conclusion to their arcs or explanations if the audience fucks it up badly#Like what are you gonna do when this story finishes? Make it a time loop to give the audience another chance to explore their characters?#Umineko no naku koro ni can be downloaded for free through umineko-project.org or purchased through steam or bought physically from a game-#nillas#vanili powder#i love having hatred in my heart I needed something else to make fun of after Mashima ended EZ like that#I can make fun of episode 8 but im too much of a coward to rlly point things out As Of Now so mlgrm going out in flames woukd be fun#im not saying it Should id love it if a miracle can occur and save its issues thats been there since the premise but yea. I dont think so.#anti milgram
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I have hope it will get better and I'm still clinging to that but I had hope for the past decade and this past year has been particularly trying.
#bad brain tonight#i think i overexerted myself physically and my body is throwing a fit now and my brain is part of that#i juat want to live im so tired of not feeling like a person#i havent for a long time bc i was just Working instead of living#but now i dont even have work to feel like ik doing something#cant drive cant meet people cant even fucking vacuum without keeling over#i just want to be able to live a mediocre life and do things but my life is getting smaller and smaller each day#lineko.txt
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having swap au thoughts. *slaps roof of claus* there's so much mental illness in this guy. im gonna blow up everyone in the room and then myself
#what if you felt unbearable guilt because your brother went missing in the two seconds you were separated#and you feel like there mustve been Something you couldve done to prevent it#if only you had stuck together. if only you hadnt let him tag along on your basically-a-suicide-mission in the first place#but none of those things happened so you go through three years blaming yourself#continuing to search for him because maybe hes still out there. and maybe exhausting yourself on an aimless search is a way you can atone#and then you're pulled into this big destiny adventure so your searching is put on the back burner#you're so busy doing important things and meeting new friends and there are points in your adventure where your heart feels lighter#and maybe you open up just a little about the crushing guilt you feel. and your new friends say it wasnt your fault#maybe you start accepting that your brother is really gone but you have to keep living your life#saving your brother was a far out dream but saving the world is something you have the power to do#so you try your best. so you dont fuck up this time#your guilt becomes the fuel keeping you going#and then at the end of your journey#you find out one of the biggest obstacles on your journey#the human chimera that you felt kinda horrified at and a little bad for even as you fought them#is your brother you've been mourning and agonizing over not being able to save#so um. The Guilt is even worse now#now he doesnt just feel responsible for his death. he Now feels responsible for him becoming this Creature Thing under porkys control#and in a lucas dies scenario. hoogh i cant imagine how claus would feel after that.......#however the thing that spurred this post was thinking about the lucas lives postgame scenario (it just got a bit out of hand lol) so.#your brother is alive and back home again and youre so unbelievably glad#but the guilt still creeps up every time you see how much hes Changed. physically and mentally#you had just started to accept the fact youd have to live without your brother but somehow having him back is almost just as painful#things cant just go back to how they were before. youll never be the exact same happy family as you used to be#its strange adjusting to having lucas back and its strange trying not to step on each others toes with their trauma#you cant help but be clingy because you couldnt bear it if he disappeared again under your watch#but nobody wants to be watched all the time especially when youre recovering from your brainwashed identity as an army commander#FUCK I REACHED THE TAG LIMIT I WANTED TO RAMBLE MORE AUGH. THEY MAKE ME SO ILL. i swear its not all angst theres some lightheartedness in it#mother 3 swap au#mothfics
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something you need to know abt me is that im extremely scared of artificial voices (think siri, alexa, any voice on gps thingies while driving) and no one believed me when the alexa changed voices one night, even tho i froze in place and all the hairs in my body stand up...
anyway, i'm also terrified of blonde and not really human faces... like that mix specifically (think "i feel fantastic" lady android, max headroom and the first mask of "possibly in michigan")
just felt like sharing <3
#the parasite talks#idk where these fears come from honestly#i've tried watching the max headroom series but i cant#i cant go past the intro without feeling physically ill#i've been able to watch possibly in michigan and is my favorite video and song ever#but the other two i cant at all#i also scream an cry when there's a picture of a being looking directly “at you” but im guessing that's normal if the intent was to scare#i also imagine beings looking at me through the windows and dark screens and generally the dark but i know thats my crazy mind#that's why i have my windows taped vampire style like the wwdits house#and when i was little i would stare at my toys for a long while in case they would move or blink#i still think they do that but i have made peace with it#specially because i had 2 toys that actually moved and talked without me touching them i guess that made something in my brain go wrong#but they were mostly batteries corroding#although one was alive for almost 20 years with the same batteries#sometimes i worry what will happen when i live alone...
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Talking about the hating techonology thing, im really mad about how we dont have physical documents in brazil anymore, everything is in our cellphones and theres just like one thing that we actually can have physically, my physical voter registration card is a fucking sheet of paper, my parents had a real voter registration, plasticized and stuff. I'm also pissed off about the work card, which used to be physical and have a cool design, now its only virtual, that is insane, bring back the real documents, what if i dont have a cellphone
My friends said they dont have the physical version of this important document???? Because its number is in another document so it wouldnt matter, THIS DROVE ME INSANE, EHAT DO YOU MEAN THIS DIDNT MATTER???
I really hate how everything is made in our cellphones now i think this is stupid it should be like the second option not the only. I hate qr codes, i hate digital documents, i hate digital shit I'm definitely a luddite, break the machines man, they are evil
#is that why i want more adhd diagnosis? no idea#i love physical things i really do#this is a big thing for me i really hate this current situation#besides i lost my college card and now i only have the digital version. they dont want to do me another version#can you hear my pain? THIS SHOULD BE A CRIME DUDE#things. need. to. be. physical.#if they arent. they simply arent real#my friend said i should live in the woods but thats literally what i wanna do im just kinda scared of doing that#i have virtual friends so being able to talk is important. but otherwise??? i dont care about this. i lived without a cellphone for so long#yes im still addicted but its a problem if i have a cellphone. when i dont i cant really do anything about it#but i like computers... love you alan turing. i dont think i would like being without a computer all the time#yes. using it just a little it would be okay but nothing? thats scary
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when i move out i need to find a good old vhs tape player so bad
#do most tvs still come with vhs tape jacks. if not ill find an older tv too#u cn find these things at used places all the time but i simpy do not have room for any of that right now#i just need this n a record player n a dvd player and im all set i fucking love physical media grahhhh#found my cloudy w a chance of meatballs 2 (got for bday one year) dvd holder the other day and even tho the dvd is no longer with us#i kept the packadging for memories sake#AND AND AND i cant wait to have enough privacy i can buy whatever books and comics i want without my familys judgement#theyre crazy#but im feeling positive. i Am capable of moving out and living on my own its whats gonna save me#theres a lot of good things 2 come with the scaries of it all too. so i will survive for joy
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sometimes I think about how everyone is so obsessed with how they look and think other peoples' opinions are what determine if they are attractive or not. by that logic, i'm one of the ugliest people to ever exist because i've never, to my memory, had a random person tell me i'm attractive in any way just by looking at me. I've only had people give me pity compliments after I say something like the last sentence lmao. but I don't accept those. I don't want your pity
#lee text#random thoughts with lee#i'm doing fine without being told i'm attractive. be like me. stop complaining about looks ans calling yourself ugly fbbfnjdsnns#i only think people with good personalities are attractive and pretty si if you care so much what others think:#get a better personality LOL#(what i mean by that is work on yourself and stop trying to use physical appearance to get what you want. its weird and wrong)#((wrong in many ways like looks dont last. thats superficial and doesnt matter. beauty is subjective#YOU WILL NEVER BE ATTRACTIVE TO EVERYONE so give up and find a new hobby))#i feel like this will sound super mean to certain people who have what i call Ugly Syndrome (they think theyre ugly and blame failure on it)#but these people never seem to listen to listen to logic and feel bad about themsleves no matter what you say#even if you call them beautiful multiple times a day. so who cares at that point fhdhhdjjsj i cant help them and they annoy me#i guess thats the unempathetic side of my autism coming out. i live on an empathy sliding scale ive come to realize#lee rambles#if this does offend you maybe think about it. really think about how to fix that issue within yourself. i genuinely hope you get better#also people who use “i do it for myself” but its obvious they actually care more about how others see them. you also suck. get well soon.#I dont want anyone replying to this getting offended or well actuallying me or something. either take the tough love or go love yourself#one of the gremlins in this brain doesnt empathy. its me. the unempathetic gremlin. but i still hope you recover quickly.
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fucked up what happened to mike crew.
#i think that and maybe leitner voice debut and the whole dark ritual story arc are some of the only things ive actually really really-#disliked about the podcast#NOT THAT THE LEITNER VOICE DEBUT WAS BAD#i just think that it took away from a lot of the tension that was building however i do love brutal pipe murder#also making the avatars so easy to kill just humanizes them too much to me which i think is the opposite of what was trying to be done#like the put so so so much emphasis on how michael isnt michael anymore he's something else and how jon is slowly losing his humanity#and thats a lot of the horror is losing your humanity#which i understand some avatars are going to be more human than others but yknow#its also a horror podcast#theres something terrifying about living so long being stuck in a not quite human state not being able to go on without feeding your fear#you technically dont have as much autonomy as you think you do and thats terrifying#but that kind of gets lost when you make it so easy to kill some of them#and like didnt jon also...have to go see the flesh to even get bones out of himself like he was having physical issues with?? bleeding??#i dunno#i actually didnt mind gerry's explanation of things#i know some people did but its just as cryptic as any other explanation#like the fears cant really be rationalised whatever you think you know about them is wrong#like he also didnt really know fuck all about anything else jon asked him#you gotta remember he really just wanted to get out of that book as well#“yeah the world changes in terrible ways for YOU. im a book”#“you cant be serious.” “im dead serious”#so realistically with how little gertrude actually told him about any of it and how much he just wanted to get out of the book yknow you#gotta take everything he said with a grain of salt#SORRY FOR RANTING ON MAIN I WAS JUST HAVING THOUGHTS#stickers lore
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separation anxiety
⤷ caleb experiences a rut after a long time, and it just so happens that you’re in his path.
cw. 18+ smut, hybrid! caleb, knotting, dubcon if you squint, breeding, obsessive/possessive behavior, perv caleb, fem human! reader, ruts, size difference, also a lil breeding, 3.5k words because i physically struggle to write smut without a preamble, reader is ovulating and it triggers his rut this time for whatever reason
an. saw this trope going around & wanted to try it <33 he’s got that DAWG in him 💪 also i cant decide if hybrid caleb gives german shepherd vibes or samoyed vibes…. that moments post lives rent free in my mind tho idk (>_<)
𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒓𝒕𝒔, 𝒄𝒐𝒎𝒎𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒔, & 𝒓𝒆𝒃𝒍𝒐𝒈𝒔 𝒂𝒓𝒆 𝒂𝒑𝒑𝒓𝒆𝒄𝒊𝒂𝒕𝒆𝒅! (๑´ `๑)♡
Caleb would say he hates you for the time you’re gone, but it’d be a big fat lie. His love for you, big and bursting in his chest, deepens in the quiet windows where you’re present at work or running errands throughout Linkon before returning home to him.
There’s a permanence of you in his mind and being. He wants it no other way.
His devotion for you doesn’t necessarily drown him- no, you’re always there with a lifering waiting- but it certainly sweeps him up and threatens to.
He gets a bit ahead of himself sometimes, he’s aware of that; energetic, bulging at the seams with vigor; whether it’s an integral part of his personality or just a consequence of his breed, the pound he came from never quite knew. Your Gran never figured that out, either, and for as sweet and trying as she was, she soon realized she couldn’t foster him for long.
Because he was a big boy, hungry for attention and wired to please, well-meaning but oft over involved with personal space— and he brought a loaded package that your Gran just couldn’t sign her name off on, not after a few months, anyway. She tried her best before nudging him into your care, because she sure as hell wasn’t about to give him up to that squalid pound or the streets again- and besides, the mutt liked her granddaughter; all those visits she paid throughout the summer obviously endeared Caleb to her, and quickly.
You admit, it’s a mite difficult to juggle between long days at work, little tasks that drag you from point to point throughout Linkon, and your own personal life on top of caring for a hybrid stowed away in your shoebox apartment— but your grandmother was all but sapped of her energy then, turning to you for aid although she seldom ever did, and you’d always lend a hand where you could.
The mutt- Caleb, is his name (and you call it fondly even as he’s pawing at your thighs for attention or drooling on your collar)- has grown on you considerably in the past half year, anyway.
You won’t let him down or leave him at the curb. He’s yours. The red collar you bought him says as much, printed with your number on a silver plate, and he wears it not because you make him but because he’s proud of it.
He’s a good boy, he is. He always has been and for that you’re thankful.
Except, this week he’s… different.
As of a few days ago, it’s like he’s been testing the waters- and your patience- on just how far he can go before you tell him off or say bad dog. He must find them warm because he’s just been diving deeper as the week progresses.
You don’t know what to do. He’s oddly aggressive. It’s not rare at all for him to follow you all around your apartment, but he’s foregone the very last shred of respect for your personal space and nips when you try to push him away. Not hard enough to actually hurt- the yip you make is more surprised than anything when he pulls you back in and licks at the small red patch- but you look wounded at it.
Because Caleb doesn’t bite— he just doesn’t.
He wraps you up in seemingly endless embraces and breathes your smell in until he’s dizzy, laughing into your neck like a giddy child. He does this every time you try to leave for work and he’s made you late for it.
Maybe it’s just because you’re ovulating and a little hormonal, but it makes you quite sour and the mood stays even when you return in the afternoon. He’s never liked when you’re gone, sure, but he’s always been there to see you off at the door with a pout as you scratch behind his ear- more or less tame about it.
Your patience really frays at the odd uptick in his possessiveness, though. It’s hurtful.
You’ve always treated him less like a pet- a hybrid- and more like a friend, and you feel quite indignant for it when he growls and tells you that he hates the smell of other men on you, hearing none of your excuses that it’s ‘just coworkers’, glaring at you like some brainless extension of him. You feel less like a person and more like an object, a streetlamp in which he emerges from the shadows for just to piss on to show it belongs to him.
He’s touchy. Snippy. Glued to your side at all times. It’s concerning and frustrating and confusing all at once.
By the fifth day mark, on Friday night, you’re tuckered out by it and don’t question where he is when you return home early from a shift and he’s, uncharacteristically, not there to greet you.
A red collar however, laid on the floor, its tag glittering under dim hallways lights, strikes you as both curious and unsettling.
He never takes that off. No- says it’s his way of showing you and the whole world that he belongs to you, and— have you been too impatient with him lately? Brusque? Maybe you’re a little hormonal but it’s no cause to get short with him, even when he’s acting up, and what if he no longer wants you as his owner—
A gasp.
You find him in your bedroom, humping your pillow, yowling as he comes undone- unawares- and the walls spin as you nearly faint.
You drop your purse. “Caleb!” You shriek, and a visible shiver rolls down his spine as he turns around.
“Bad dog!”
✦
You sleep on it.
Well, you wash your sheet and your pillowcases- and then you sleep on it.
Maybe you overreacted. If anything, you should be grateful for what you walked in on because otherwise, he wouldn’t have known how to tell you he’s been going through a bit of a hot phase- the first of his you’ve experienced- and doesn’t know how to control himself.
You blush just thinking about it, shame knocking in your chest as your heart beats heavy. You feel awful for walking in on him for a number of reasons. One of them being he came all over your bed- and his tummy- and you had to clean both up through furious tears as you peeled your covers off the mattress and pointed him off in the direction of the bathroom, telling him to run the faucet and quick.
A pass of guilt, the fear of you being angry with him, made its round across his kicked expression but he held off on arguing.
For the first documented time in the whole week, Caleb appeared mellow- not agitated, restless, or tense- and rather crestfallen, and you noted it only vaguely as you irately turned on the washer.
Now, it’s in the forefront of your brain.
Well, if he’s been going through some kind of rut lately, it only makes sense he’d be all kinds of pent up, and that his release (albeit in an inconvenient way and place) would provide some relief.
It’s closer to noon when you finally exit your bedroom and meet him at the sofa- the same one you’d all but banished him to last night. He prefers to spend his nights with you, either curled up at your side or splaying his full weight over your back- a breed-relative habit, you’re sure. You’ve heard of some other kinds who enjoy a room to themselves or do just fine with the couch, on their lonesome— But not Caleb.
He looks tired but perks up when he hears you patter down the hall, violet eyes lighting when you timidly take a seat.
With a bit of hesitation, he inches closer until you sheepishly wave a hand and he barrels into your arms.
“Ah- Caleb-“
Before you can even apologize for your jumping the gun last night, he beats you to the punch. “M’ sorry. You don’t hate me for it, do you?” He sighs into your collar and you shiver, “I wish you could understand what it feels like- I wouldn’t have done it if it was somethin’ I could control, I hope you realize that.”
You swallow, digesting his words as you belatedly place a hand on his head to pet. He positively melts. “Y-Yeah,” you mumble back. “It’s okay. I actually wanted to say sorry too. I- I didn’t understand what was going on…”
A deep groan looses from his throat, his chest swelling with content as you itch that spot behind the furry ears say upright on his head. They give a few twitches as he leans against you and wraps his muscular arms around your middle, resting his chin by your shoulder.
“It’s my fault, though, not yours. I didn’t know how to tell you- I was worried you’d just end up scared’a me, or…”
His pause instills interest in you. Your fingers smooth back his brown locks, mussed from fitful sleep, and he sighs. “Or what?” You press softly.
You pull him back just enough to get a look at him, his cheekbones almost shiny with a dusting of pink. His thick brows furrow together.
“Or that you’d leave,” he whispers.
Your eyes widen. You lasso your arms around his neck and pull him to you, your head slotting above his shoulder as his fingers quickly move to support the position, one hand perched at your thigh and the other braced at your side.
“Nonsense,” you grumble at his ear, a bit angry at the suggestion. “I’d never leave you.”
Something hard, then, prods at your middle- too fleshy to be something in either of your pockets- and you stiffen at the realization as it comes a beat too late.
Caleb’s voice is breathy at your ear, low, his tail thumping on the cushion. “Yeah?” He murmurs, a pang of heat stirring in your belly at the sound. Suddenly aware, you gently go to push at his broad chest but he stops you with an imploring look- although the desire, brewing in dilated pupils, isn’t lost on you- and musters a pout.
It looks out of place, the wholesome gaze marred by hunger as it reshapes his puppyish look.
“Even when I am no better than a bad dog?”
Your brow quirks, “I didn’t mean it,” you whisper, wide-eyed as his eyes bore into yours. Every micro expression you make is being catalogued and noted with utmost care, his pink tongue darting out to wet his chapped lips as they grow dry.
“It’s okay if you did,” he murmurs back. “I’m just glad I have you around to remind me of my place…” Long, slim fingers reach up and you watch, unseeingly, as they stroke your cheek, his other hand creeping dangerously close to the waistband of your sleep shorts.
He chuckles, but the humor wanes quickly.
“Otherwise, I’d always be misbehaving. Do you even know what you do to me?” His voice is meaningful, torrid, as he draws in and the tip of his nose brushes with yours. You can’t find it in you to move as your thighs- the ones he slithers a singleminded hand in between- begin to roil with unexpected warmth.
You plant a hand to his chest, shying away, “C-Caleb-“
“Don’t worry,” he says sweetly, “M’ not gonna hurt you. I just….” He lets out a sigh, long and perhaps just a bit exaggerated- but it has the intended effect on you. You purse your lips and feel a trace of guilt twist in your heart.
“You drive me crazy. Y-Your smell- I don’t know why this is happening, either. Honestly? I haven’t had a rut in a couple years. But this…”
Caleb lets out a soft noise of pleasure, lending his full weight to you when he breathes you in and shakes.
When he speaks next, his words come out raspy and so low you hardly register them as his breaths grow labored- they’re all you can hear as the living room space shrinks down to just him and the knuckles that dare to dip into your panties.
“This is just too unfair. You won’t leave me hangin’, pretty,… w-will you?” Breathy. With an undeniable streak of need. You can’t miss the lust that usurps the softer parts of him and makes him look less puppyish and cheerful and more wolfish, calculating.
And, well, when he puts it like that, how could you?
✦
He doesn’t fuck you on the couch. He takes you to your bed and fucks you there like a lover would.
He fucks you deep and fast- to his credit, he doesn’t hurt you, staying true to his word, but the possibility of bruises becomes a nearer thing when he folds your legs back and his grasp becomes constricting, plunging in and out of your cunt with rapt focus. Indigo eyes glow with something feral, like you’ve given him no choice but to claim his ownership over you through sloppy kisses and clinking teeth as he pounds into you, driven him into a corner- but his touch turns worshipful when he presses his forehead to yours and moans.
“Ah- y-you feel so good, so tight,” he compliments, words almost slurred. His pupils expand and he looks no different than a drunken, babbling man, his cheeks a rosy red.
His murmurs are wet against your lips as they graze and mush with his, Caleb’s face so close to yours that his lashes tickle your brow as he gawks at you, so entranced by whatever it is he’s seeing to look away.
A fluffy tail sways unevenly behind him and touches your leg on occasion, almost like it’s trying to curl around you, prickling and eager. Every part of him gravitates to you. You’re the ground beneath his feet. Fertile land.
“And you’re all mine, okay? Nobody else’s. I want you to wear my scent- to carry me with you no matter where you go. You have to promise me you will- mmph- That sound good-?
“C-Caleb—“
You groan when he stuffs himself deeper inside and you swear you feel his length throb inside your walls, stretching. The veins running along his shaft carve out a new pathway in you, one special and just for him, as his balls- heavy and fat, with a hell of a lot to give- slap against your ass. Slick oozes out from the squelching seam of you, coating his thick cock but you still struggle to accomodate his size despite the lubrication.
He’s made to make you feel as if you’re losing your mind. You snatch your jaw with your own hand to keep the flurry of high-pitched sounds from spilling out lest they embarrass you, but he shoos it away and cuffs your wrists with a hand splayed over them.
“Nah- I wanna hear you, baby. You can’t keep holdin’ out on me like this... I’m giving you my all right now, so it should be pretty obvious that you can do the same, yeah?”
A mewl punches out from your lungs half a second later and he seems quite contented at that. He sighs, closing his eyes, saying,
“I’ve been good all along. Can’t you play the part, too? I just want you to see how much I really love you,” his confession is by no means considered casual what with the passion in which its conveyed, but you can’t help but feel it’s a little sudden, said a little too quickly, and you wonder if he means what he says or if the rut is responsible for all these novel, amorous feelings in him.
I mean, he’s probably too wrapped up in the moment to even contemplate his own admissions as they all spew out—
“Caleb, too big—“ you gasp, cutting him off, and he lets out a strangled kind of noise when your walls clamp around him.
Holyfuck holyfuck holyfuck do it again, he wants to say, suffocate me, but nothing comes out and he realizes after a long second that his vision has whited completely. He can’t see anything; he’s in a fuzzy, dazzling world with the blinders on and all he can smell and feel is you- your scent, sugar sweet and about as inviting as a barstool pulled out, envelopes him and he can’t breathe. Can’t speak.
He fucks into you with reckless abandon, huffs you in like it’s his final breaths, and then lets it all go without care for anything else. Far as he’s concerned, everything he knows is defined by you. This is a give and take relationship: he actually gives a damn about your opinion of him and takes all you have to offer.
He’s in love, puppyish and clumsy but fuck you lead the way and lead him on.
“Shh, I know,” he rasps out, steaming up your neck like a fogged window pane as he insinuates himself there. Your whole body feels like a furnace, burning up for him as he opens you up and tucks himself inside.
“I know it’s big, but you gotta be ready for-“ he clips his sentence short, thinking better of it.
He wants to warn you of his impending knot- the one that’ll no doubt leave you yelping and writhing away from him- you certainly deserve as much of a foreword to it, but part of him is just so terrified you’ll reject him or deny him the priviledge of shoving it inside you and fuck he can’t have that.
Caleb’s nothing if not loyal. He’s also nothing if not selfish. That’s always been a wriggling bug he’s tried to stomp out but it remains in the baser part of him, only amplified by the intense rut that came right out of the blue.
He wants you singing his name and bonded to him (or as much of a bond the two of you can form), and so that’s what he’ll get.
He’ll apologize later, and you will forgive him. So all’s fine.
“Y-You can take it,” is the simpler thing he settles on, and you let it pass, because between the fat cockhead splitting you apart deliciously and the sweet, somewhat perturbing nothings he gushes at your ear, you’re deaf to most of everything.
But when you come- unexpected and sharp, overwhelming your senses as your hips ruck up and he has to pin you down in place and ride it out with you as you cream around him- the scream you let out rings in your ears and so does his ferocious grunt. It’s loud and you’re so numb as seconds pass that feel like eons; pointed teeth teasing at the squishy chunk of your shoulder, invoking a buried sense of alarm.
And then he’s biting down hard- not just nipping- the pleasure thankfully driving off the pain as he ploughs inside, muffling a string of curses as he picks up his pace. Caleb gets sloppier and sloppier and then he’s burning white-hot inside you and moaning like a pornstar, pelvis juddering as he comes.
“Mmh- f-fuck- Good girl!” he rewards with half a brain, fucked out into perfect oblivion, and for a second you wonder why his voice sounds more meant for comfort than praise- until you expect him to pull out but he doesn’t, something big and round forming at the base of his cock that has his eyes fluttering back as it pops in. He goes boneless on top of you as every limb of yours stiffens and coils around his broad back.
You scream his name. He shivers.
It feels enough to shatter your mind- the pain searing you, but the ghost of pleasure that creeps up along your nervous system makes you go like jelly beneath him, helpless to whatever he’s got planned for you.
“C-Caleb, you-!”
“Yeah, a bad dog, a bad dog,” he stammers, whimpering at your earlobe, “I know, baby, I know. Just- don’t shut me out, okay? I- It’ll be over soon, just- ah- loosen up around it, okay? It’ll feel so much better that way. Just… hold on to me.”
“I-It hurts-!”
“Ngh, shhh…” He trembles out, shifting to sample a broken mewl from your lips, cupping your jaw with all the love in the world and staring at you as if you told the sun to rise this morning. “Be a good girl and take it, mm? Your pussy’s squeezing me so tight, I think she wants it too, but she has to relax a little first, yeah? Mm… I could give you a whole litter of pups. Give your Gran a bunch of cute lil granbabies to drive her crazy.”
You choke on your own spit, the brunet letting out a near delirious chuckle at the idea and your reaction to it before his brow gives a wince, your walls instinctively trying to push his swollen knot out.
“Wha- Caleb, is that even-?”
“I don’t know,” he kisses your forehead tenderly, his tail giving a heavy, excited thump behind him on the bed as you grab the sheets for dear life and they wrinkle, pinched like your conflicted expression.
“But I’ve been dyin’ to try it out for myself.”
#love and deepspace#lads x reader#love and deepspace x reader#lads smut#lads caleb#caleb x reader#love and deepspace caleb#caleb love and deepspace smut#lads x you#lads x y/n#xia yizhou#calebrity#cant tell if i like or hate this but alright#that puppy caleb moments post lives in my head rent free tho so#‘hello are you caleb’#I BAWLED ITS SO CUTE#also im being dragged back into cod again so idk when next fic will be#hopefully for sylus bday idk#anyways i officially wrote some caleb smut now so#:]#‧₊ 🍰.┊𝒄𝒂𝒌𝒆𝑓𝑖𝑐𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛
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screaming, tearing my hair out, sobbing face down on my bed
#so my ex-boyfriend left the temp housing place without cleaning up at all. The thing is we were still together when he left.#We broke up after he was gone and before I came back to the house. The sink is overflowing with dishes and he left stuff here even though he#moved over an hour away. The other person that was staying here also left all the dishes dirty. Its the temp housings community dishes so I#cant cook or eat now and I CANT DO DISHES RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I STILL ALMOST PASS OUT WHEN IM STANDING FOR TOO LONG?#which he knew about before he left the place. and so did the other person staying here because she was my cousin.#I'm disgusted by people. And I'm so hurt? We were going to stay together and he did that to me. And I know he wasnt planning on leaving me.#Because he left two items very important to him sitting on our bed.#One being his ushanka that he got while living in russia with his grandpas soviet pin still on it.#And two the blanket his children were wrapped in as babies.#He left so much stuff here when I asked him to take everything. But he made sure to take the food that was his/what he thought should be his#Im pretty sure that he took my only HDMI cord too and I dont know what else.#I still have all of his other stuff in a storage unit. I plan to give it back but unless he gives me atleast a day of notice I cant.#Im going to have to call my mom to ask her to help me clean this all up. I physically cant do it And I'm calling the housing department tmrw#I gotta tell them that they gotta make sure that people actually follow the contract because i cant fucking eat until my mom comes to help#Theres cameras in all the common areas including the kitchen that run 24/7 so why havent they done anything. The other person that lived#here already moved out and it was all recorded. I gotta put in a complaint or something. This is why I'm losing a dangerous amount of weight#because I cant eat especially since i had an abortion 2 weeks ago thats given me so many health issues#I couldnt walk or move for days without my vision going black and i had such severe pain I was in and out of the doctors office and the ER#Not to mention I couldnt breathe when I was standing/walking too. And then he just left everything for me to deal with.#and yes again WE WERE STILL TOGETHER WHEN HE LEFT#im so tired and hungry man this is fucking terrible.#tag vent#vent in tags#vent
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on the subject of misgendering on purpose v misgendering on accident i work in a progressivish kind of company and we’re remote so everyone is required to have their pronouns in their email signature. also there are like 15 of us in the company so it’s fairly easy to remember what everyone prefers. and anyway my coworker refers to literally everyone with they which like could be worse obviously but it does mean she’s misgendering trans people like several times a day
#we work w an lgbtq org so it really is several times a day#anyway it’s the kind of thing that i think about when i think about like me transitioning#if i were to socially transition in the workplace. which i could do like tomorrow without much technical or physical difficulty#i would then have people ignoring my pronouns as like a deliberate choice instead of ignorance or anything#like rn my pronouns are listed as any and everyone except her calls me she#if i changed them then like based on my experience 95% of people would continue w she and she would continue w they#okay what’s the point then?#even if i medically transition i end up looking like a weird looking man at most#im not even a man? what’s the point#sometimes i get caught up in the transition question but at some point i have to step back and say wait that would literally not help you#transness is a cant live might as well die scenario
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