#clint is actually a dumbass

[incorrectcompoundnotes]

Peter: So you can see really well?

Clint: Basically, yeah.

Peter: And you never miss a shot?

Clint: Never.

Peter: And you can shoot at crazy angles?

Clint: Exactly.

Peter: But you can’t walk down a corridor without tripping over?

Clint: Who told you that? That’s a lie!

Clint, walking away, tripping over as he gets into the elevator: A lie!

[imavikingo]

[threeacttragedy]

Entry 18: The One Where Two Roads Diverged in a Wood of GIFs and Written Words

“Lukola Crisis Hotline. How may I be of service?”

Me: Houston, we have a problem.

Dad: Do tell!

Me: You won’t believe who showed up last night! –

Dad: Oh, my goodness! Oh, my goodness! Whoa! I don’t know what to say! Wait – let me grab my Coke and my smokes. <waiting> Okay, I’m back. So, Misty appeared out of nowhere with Thang?! Well, this just got fun! <laughing>

For clarity’s sake, my father tends to give everyone a pet name. Some of the pet names are funny; some are quite cruel. But if they help him remember who the players are in this fandom (and in any other situation), I’m game to play along. Plus, his pet names tend to add a little comedy relief to whatever is being discussed, especially when it is not an outwardly funny subject.

In Lukola-Land, Luke is “Thang” (it’s actually “Thing” – as in the hand from The Addams Family – but my dad’s accent muddles the pronunciation into “Thang”); Nicola is “Ireland,” for obvious reasons; Antonia is “Misty,” for, umm, the Clint Eastwood movie, “Play Misty for Me;” and Jake is – well, Jake is actually just “Jake” because my father finds the USS Jakola offensive. In fact, when I was discussing the recent fandom events with him on Friday evening, my dad was genuinely shocked to learn the Jakolas still existed. His pet name for the Jakolas is “Fucking Stupid,” by the way.

Moving on to the matter at hand –

There’s been so much “noise” over the past few weeks that, when taken collectively, it is rather eye-opening. We’ve got Luke’s mother posting on Facebook about “Luke’s girlfriend…from Cyprus.” The leaked funeral video and photos (by allegedly Luke’s family). The Best in Show pap pictures of Nicola and Jake. The “just friends” interview. The disappearance of Jake (because he’s rehearsing for a play) and the sudden reemergence of Antonia.

If you’ve noticed from my recent entries on this blog, I have obviously found most of what has happened of late to be comical and not worth putting into written word. Instead, my thoughts have been dumped into GIF stories. To be honest, I was rather disappointed I couldn’t put this last part – Antonia emerging from the misty edges of the forest – entirely into a GIF story. Her reappearance was like a certain Bond villain coming back to life for the seventh time. In other words, it was total cringe. But it also altered an otherwise slow burning campfire into a motherfucking forest fire.

Me: Thoughts?

Dad: I need some time to think about this one – and a cigarette. Or two. Call me back in 15 minutes.

“Psychotic Fan Rescue Center, at your service.”

Me: You’re a dumbass.

Dad: <laughing> Well, this is insane. It makes no sense and it’s a convoluted mess. Why bring Misty back? She was killed off two seasons ago.

Me: No shit, Sherlock.

Dad: Hell, maybe this has all been a nest of vipers.

A nest of vipers? Ah, yes, the idea that we have a group of venomous snakes thrown into the same close-quartered trench – in an every-man-for-himself type situation – each taking strikes at the others whenever their backs are turned.

In Entries 1, 13, and 15 – with an emphasis on “Entry 13: The One Where the Ashes Blew Towards Us with the Salt Wind from the Sea” – I wrote about what the Lutonia narrative could look like, if real. I will not rehash in detail those entries here, but I will link them at the end of this entry if you want to read, or reread, them.

Now, the General Audience almost certainly didn’t pay a lick of attention to Antonia when she appeared alongside Luke at the Boss event held January 30 (she’s always just been a Face in the Crowd). But the sudden reappearance of Antonia stopped the Lukolas dead in their tracks because – like my dad said – she was seemingly killed off two seasons ago.

The Lukolas have suddenly found themselves at an intersection of confusion and, likely, a bit of distress. The long and winding road we’ve been traveling along has diverged into two paths – and, no, you cannot travel both.

The problem with the Lutonia narrative has always been that Luke has never formally acknowledged Antonia as his girlfriend. In fact, Luke had the perfect opportunity to do so when he posted about the Boss event on his Instagram grid – but he did not. I could rationalize the idea that Luke and Antonia wanted to keep their relationship private after the Papsmear misstep if it weren’t for the fact that Antonia has been historically loud in her social media posts. We spent the summer and fall with insinuation post after insinuation post from Antonia. Yes, all those posts that alluded to her being with Luke without any actual evidence that she was, in fact, with Luke. By the time Antonia got to “Pasta-gate” in mid-November, the Lukola fandom barely even blinked before dismissing her as, well, the antagonist from “Play Misty for Me.” And this leads to something even more problematic for the USS Lutonia – Luke has never rescued Antonia from being ridiculed and torn apart by the fandom. My dad would call – and has called – Luke a cad for this.

Jumping to the other side of this misshapen triangle, we have Nicola and her Assassin (my dad’s pet name for JVN). Assuming Lutonia is real, the only logical answer for Nicola’s behavior is that she has spent months trolling Luke, Antonia, and <gasp> the fandom. Nicola herself has admitted to being chronically online and, at a minimum, being aware of fan edits – so much so that during the London premiere she commented that she and Luke “can’t do anything” without the fandom reacting to it. Therefore, I will call “foul” on anyone who tries to persuade me that Nicola was unaware of, at a minimum, how the Lukola fandom had reacted to the Claddagh ring, Chaos Week, and the October airplane posts. JVN openly mocking Antonia on social media with, for example, their Slick Back Bun routine only added fuel to this fire.

For shits and giggles – and so I can get to the bend in this road – we will roll with my dad’s “Nest of Vipers” theory for a moment. We will concede that Lutonia is real, which, in my opinion, makes Luke the absolute worst boyfriend in London and Antonia a woman who doesn’t mind being treated like roadkill. It also, unfortunately, makes Nicola and Fan Favorite JVN come off like online bullies – with the only plausible reasoning for the bullying being that Luke and Nicola are at odds with each other. No, I take that back – they’re not at odds with each other – they’re seemingly at war with each other. I’ll even amp this up a bit and throw in the suggestion that, assuming Lutonia is real, Netflix & Co. is aware of the strife between its two Polin actors and are protecting their asset with blurred Polin-Lukola posts to pacify the fandom. Dun-Dun-DUNN! And yes! That was a sly nod to Jake.

Me: Thanks for that. You just made Luke into an absolute prick and gave Antonia’s starring role in “Play Misty for Me” to Nicola.

Dad: Hey, I’m not the one who dug up Misty! That was all Thang!

Me: Then why does everyone say Luke is the nicest person? Nicola, his co-stars –  

Dad: All lies.

Me: Would you STOP?!

Dad: But I’m serious! Thang could be a complete pig behind closed doors and Ireland could be on the verge of a psychotic meltdown because, uhh, maybe she’s obsessed with Thang and pissed he chose Misty.

The unfortunate thing about this Nest of Vipers theory is that I could almost certainly make a convincing argument that it was legit. I’ve always joked with my Inner Circle of Lukolas that no one wants to see me go rogue, especially not – I’ll bite my tongue on that one. But I will emphasize the importance of keeping an open mind when you’re reviewing information. Always consider both sides of the coin. That said, it’s hard to ignore the evidence that was presented to us through the World Tour interviews and behind-the-scenes footage; therefore –

Me: I’m having a hard time believing Luke is someone who wouldn’t protect his girlfriend. He seems to support Nicola online quite a bit. Why wouldn’t he do the same for Antonia?

Dad: <laughing> Fine. Antonia isn’t his girlfriend. Maybe it’s all just a bunch of fuckery like I’ve always said.

“Fuckery” is my dad’s pet name for PR bullshit. If you didn’t pick up on it in previous entries, I am not fond of PR theories. But I also cannot ignore that PR relationships do exist and have for decades (hell, we could go back centuries and find examples of PR relationships across multiple noble and royal families – think about that, naysayers). It was my dad who first sold me on the possibility of Antonia being PR. So, I will consider this road to PR-ville in the same manner as I did the Nest of Vipers theory – with this PR theory having perhaps the better claim.

I mentioned earlier that the General Audience almost certainly paid little attention to Antonia’s existence at the Boss event. Although some people may find what I’m about to say a bit unkind, it doesn’t make it any less valid (and I’m not saying it to be cruel): Antonia, in the overall scheme of things, is of very little importance to the General Audience. She has less than 15 thousand followers on Instagram, even after being connected to a man who has almost three million. However, oddly enough, that didn’t prevent the Daily Mail from dropping a story which predominantly focused on Antonia within the same timeframe that images from the Boss event were being dropped on the Internet. It also didn’t prevent video footage of Luke and Antonia at the Boss event from being leaked online almost immediately – even when there were undoubtedly more famous celebrities attending the event. I’ll be realistic with this next comment, too: Luke may be relevant to the Bridgerton fandom, but that does not mean he is significant to, say, People Magazine’s average reader. So, why the sudden burst of publicity at this event?

I waited to write this entry to see what Luke did with the exposure from the Boss event. Would he finally put Antonia on his Instagram grid? Would he put her in his Instagram stories? Would Antonia post pictures from the event on her Instagram grid or stories? Would Luke unambiguously acknowledge a relationship with Antonia?

Although Luke posted to his Instagram grid and stories about the event, he did not include Antonia – at least not directly. The closest he came to including Antonia was via an Instagram story – on which he did not tag her – of a black screen with a link to a Boss TikTok that included images of Luke and Antonia from the event. The TikTok did not tag Antonia either. Luke did not post Antonia’s image to his grid or his stories.

And Antonia didn’t post about the event at all.

I wasn’t sold on a PR narrative when I started writing this entry, but my eyebrows raised when I saw Luke’s “black screen” Instagram story. This was either Luke attempting to circumvent the Lutonia narrative while throwing Antonia a bone, or it was Luke being an absolute douche of a human being. And, if it’s the latter, Mr. Newton needs to check himself into Assholes Anonymous.

I will concede that a couple of mutuals put up a few stories about the event (which disappeared after 24 hours) and Boss included (and tagged) Luke and Antonia in an Instagram and TikTok reel – without formally identifying Antonia as Luke’s girlfriend. On a side note, Luke could have reposted either of these reels – which tagged Antonia – but he did not. Luke also did not like this Boss Instagram reel with Antonia in it (and he does not have a public TikTok account), but Luke did like a separate Boss post of him and David Beckham (without Antonia). The only news outlets that called Antonia Luke’s “girlfriend” were rag-mags like the Daily Mail and Hello, both of which put an emphasis on Antonia. Digital Spy noted that Luke and Antonia “have yet to officially confirm their relationship.” So outside of some tagged reels (that weren’t reposted or acknowledged by Luke) and rag-mag speculation, what did Antonia get from this?

Dad: Publicity.

A single word but one that resonates throughout an otherwise silent wood.

But to be honest, I’m not entirely convinced this was for publicity. I’m not saying I believe Antonia is Luke’s girlfriend either – that’s a whole cauldron of contradictions on its own. I’m simply intrigued that Antonia has her Instagram tags turned off and she has not yet allowed any Boss event tags to appear on her page. So, outside of some junky rag-mag callouts and a few TikToks, what benefit did Antonia receive? And, if Antonia didn’t truly benefit from this appearance (or, at least she doesn’t appear to be reaping the rewards from a girlfriend or PR standpoint), who did benefit?

I mentioned at the beginning of this post that a series of events had happened one after the other over a relatively short two-week period: (1) Luke’s mum mentioning “Luke’s girlfriend…from Cyprus” in a Facebook response; (2) leaked video and photos of Luke from a funeral; (3) those utterly ridiculous pap pictures of Nicola and Jake; (4) Nicola stating she and Luke were “just friends” in an interview; and (5) the sudden summoning of Antonia after exactly six months of being MIA.

As I sat here writing out the events of the past two weeks – and considering the reappearance of Antonia – I couldn’t help but speculate as to whether each of these events was meant to have a specific purpose that didn’t get its desired result.

The comment by Luke’s mother was so far out in left field, most Lukolas chucked it up to being suspicious and dismissed it as such. The funeral pictures and video released by one of Luke’s family members was quickly scrubbed from social media; therefore, just as quickly ignored. The pap pictures of Nicola and Jake were openly mocked across social media as being staged. The “just friends” comment �� after almost a year of, particularly, Nicola dodging that phrase – didn’t seem to send many Lukolas overboard. Is it possible that the fandom’s mild reaction to all these events wasn’t anticipated? Which leads me to wonder if Luke and Nicola wanted a reaction and realized the only way they were going to get it was to play the only card they had left – Antonia.  

When you look at the above referenced events individually and collectively, they appear to indicate a push to shut down the Lukola narrative. Why?

They could have shut down the Lukolas before the World Tour even took off. They could have shut down the Lukolas during the World Tour. They could have shut down the Lukolas after Papsmear. Why wait almost a full year to draw the line in the sand? Especially after every devoted Lukola would argue that (mostly) Nicola has left a trail of Swiftie-like clues to insinuate Lukola is real, and that Luke has made a visible effort to remove Antonia from his narrative.

Whatever the reasoning may be, we must admit Antonia’s reappearance had a purpose – and one that we need to respect. I have a hard time believing Luke would voluntarily step in the same pile of dog shit he stepped in back in June without a valid and significant reason for doing so.

And this is where I will draw the line.

I will not speculate further about why Antonia suddenly rose from the ashes of Manderley – and I will not tell you which road to take from here. That’s something you need to do on your own but, be warned that regardless of which road you choose – the one where you conclude Luke and Antonia are a couple, or the one where you decide Antonia is playing the role of PR distraction – the Lukolas are currently fighting a losing battle.

The Lukolas have become collateral damage. They’ve either been caught in the crossfire of an online war between Luke and Nicola (and their respective sidekicks) over, presumably, Antonia; or they’re the unwitting victims of some messy PR bullshit that has resulted in Lukolas being bullied across every social media platform by rabid Jakolas and Anti-Lukes.

Amazingly, though, many Lukolas remain resilient.

When the going gets tough…

But sometimes the tough don’t get going.

Yesterday, someone wrote to me, “Why are we still here? Just when we think something good is finally going to happen we get pushed back down. I’m tired of the dumb games.”

I rarely answer “Asks,” but my response to this comment is:

“Two roads diverged in a wood…”

Two roads.

One road is quite disheartening and the other is shrouded in underbrush.

But what you've overlooked is that there is an alternate path – a third road – the one that brought you to this point.

Turn around.

That road takes you back home – and, if you’re ready to go home, go home. It’s okay. It takes an unbelievable amount of courage to admit you’ve had enough. Remember that saying – “A wise woman once said, ‘fuck this shit,’ and she lived happily ever after.”

Take your time and decide what makes the most sense to you.

Dad: What are you thinking?

Me: Of a poem.

Dad: Oh, which one today?

Me: “Two roads diverged in a wood, and I – I took the one less traveled by…”

Dad: Which road is that…?

P.S. Just for a bit of comic relief at the end of an otherwise somber post (not even Dad could make it lighthearted), I just wanted to say:

I love eating grapes.

IYKYK.

Those links I promised:

[orellazalonia]

Certified Genius, Unlicensed Moron

Summary: Exploring more of your relationship and dynamics with the rest of the Avengers, they are well-acquainted with how much whiplash and how many headaches you give them on a daily. (Bucky Barnes x Avengers!reader)

Word Count: 1.2k+

A/N: The other going on dates fic didn’t have enough unhinged questionable reader for me. And to be honest….I didn’t like it as much as the prequel. So! I wrote this to cheer me up and feed my need for dumb & genius reader. Purely self-indulgent but hopefully you like it too. Happy reading!!!

Main Masterlist | Earth’s Mightiest Headache Masterlist

Being an Avenger came with certain expectations. Tactical prowess. Cool one-liners. Teamwork. A mild-to-moderate understanding of physics.

You had exactly none of that. And yet, you were thriving.

You had taken on aliens, mercenaries, HYDRA agents, and that one time, an actual raccoon with a vendetta. You once guessed the password to a SHIELD vault on the first try by inputting “boob69.” It worked. Nobody ever explained why. You were untouchable.

But nothing broke the team more than the group chat.

It had been a standard team communication channel at first: briefings, updates, emergency alerts. Then you joined and everything fell apart.

-

GROUP CHAT: “Earth’s Mightiest Dumbasses”

Tony: Meeting in the conference room at 9 A.M. sharp.

You: what’s 9 AM in frog time

Natasha: What does that mean?

You: like if a frog wears a watch is the time upside down

Tony: Please, I’m begging you to just answer the question like a normal person.

You: normal is a strong word

-

You once sent a photo of a pigeon wearing a hat with the caption “me when I infiltrate enemy lines.” No one questioned it. Mostly because they couldn’t.

After all, you’re the same person who confidently gave a TED Talk about the strategic history of medieval siege warfare mid-mission while wearing Crocs. The same person who once said, “Vibranium tastes like disappointment,” and then refused to elaborate. You somehow manage to both ace every debrief but also once asked if Wi-Fi is just helpful air soup.

Thor called you “small thunder” after you electrocuted yourself trying to microwave aluminum “as a science experiment.” You did not have lightning powers. It was just dumb luck. And you’d do it again.

-

GROUP CHAT:

Clint: who the hell labeled all the fridge items in latin?

You: idk man maybe someone wants you to be cultured

Bucky: You labeled the eggs, “Future ankle peckers, do not anger them”

You: ...and have you been attacked? no? you’re welcome.

-

Bucky still doesn't understand you. Not even a little.

And a lot of times, that haunts him.

He watches you eat hot sauce straight from the bottle like it's a health tonic, quote Shakespeare when you’re tired, and wear mismatched crocs into certain battles because "they're my war shoes." One has a tiny sword glued to it.

You once looked him dead in the eye and said, “I wasn’t born. I was assembled in a Target parking lot during a thunderstorm.”

And then walked away.

He’s been thinking about it for months.

Another time you brought him a bag of gummy worms, patted his head, and said, “For when the depression demons attack.”

Despite all your nonsense, he can’t stop looking at you like you hung the moon with glitter glue and then ate half of it because that brand “smelled like frosting.”

He had tried to pretend you’re a nuisance at first, shaking his head and sighing at some of your antics. But it’s all morphed to reluctant acceptance of the fact that he’ll have to live with so many unanswered questions. That doesn’t stop him from taking care of you though.

He brings you hot chocolate after missions. He makes sure you’re behind him when it gets dangerous. He drags you out of fountains you jump into because you wanted to know what the regals birds like about it. He even downloaded TikTok just to understand your references.

One time you disappeared in the Tower. For five hours.

He found you in the broom closet, sitting cross-legged with three Roombas, wearing a crown made of forks.

“They know secrets,” You whispered. “I’m learning their ways.”

Bucky blinked.

“…I brought you pizza.”

You gasped. “I knew the prophecy would come true.”

-

GROUP CHAT:

Steve: Can someone explain what this is?

Image attached: You in a vent near the ceiling wearing a bad ghost outfit like a cursed Halloween decoration, eating Cheez-Its.

You: surveillance

Steve: Why…

You: i wanted to know what Bucky does when I’m not looking

Bucky: They’ve been up there for 6 hours. I offered help. They hissed at me.

-

Despite it all, you were deadly in the field.

You’d spout off the periodic table in the middle of a fistfight, pull off gravity-defying stunts “because I saw it in a cartoon once,” and solve encrypted Hydra codes in 30 seconds, all while questioning if Mickey Mouse and his friends ever had to pay rent to live in the Mickey Mouse clubhouse.

Bucky, your begrudgingly loving boyfriend, no longer reacts when you do things like wear medieval armor to a stealth op for morale reasons or quote Shrek during hostage negotiations. He just quietly takes your hand and steers you away before you lick anything radioactive.

Steve once asked why you were on a mission wearing roller skates. You said, “Speed and style, Cap,” then crashed directly into a vending machine and pulled out a single uncrushed Twix with solemn reverence.

Tony called you “the human embodiment of a broken Google search.” Wanda called you “a mystery I’ve chosen not to solve.” Natasha just called you “terrifying.”

Because for every baffling thing you did, like calling her “Mom” during a sniper stakeout because “you give off stern PTA energy”, you turned around and cracked encrypted intel before Bruce finished making coffee.

Once, in a mission briefing, Rhodey asked, “Wait, wasn’t the Hindenburg caused by a gas explosion?” and you, dead serious, replied, “Who’s the Hindenburg? That sounds like a guy who collects teeth.”

Everyone went dead silent.

Sam just nodded slowly and said, “Right, okay. Yeah, cool. This is the part where I stop paying attention.”

Nobody could figure you out.

Bruce once ran 14 psychological profiles on you. None of them matched. One came back as possibly a goat in human form.

Clint swears you once explained string theory using sock puppets and a waffle. And it made sense.

-

GROUP CHAT:

Tony: I’m updating the security protocol. Everyone needs to re-register their biosignatures.

You: what if I am a security risk

Tony: You are. Absolutely. Every day. In every way.

You: then I win

Natasha: What did you win?

You: You’ll see 😈

Tony: I have forgotten what peace feels like anymore.

-

You called yourself “The Distractinator” in combat.

Enemies didn’t know what to do with you. Were you a genius? Crazy? Feral? Was that a printer you just threw at their face while quoting Pride and Prejudice?

Yes. To all of it.

And somehow, impossibly, you were everyone’s favorite. Because while you were a chaos gremlin of untold magnitude, you cared.

You noticed when Clint seemed tired and unorthodoxically left snacks in his quiver.

You taught Steve how to use TikTok but made sure to curate only dog videos and motivational frog memes.

You convinced Bucky he could wear purple and look amazing. He does now. Regularly.

You helped Tony fix a faulty AI loop by accident while trying to build “a blender that screams.”

You’re not just a part of the team. You’re the emotional support cryptid.

And no matter how many explosions you cause with your “experiments,” or how many philosophical debates you start about whether lasagna is a cake, the Avengers wouldn’t trade you for the world.

…Though Tony did try to sell you to the X-Men once.

It didn’t work.

They sent you back with a fruit basket and a strongly worded letter.

[resident-idiot-simp]

Ok idea Avengers or at least some of them are sent to scope out sister Margarets and stumble across Wade, Logan and Laura

Ft: @orcadork4ever

Clint and or Nat going for a mission since they are familiar with the underground. They are wearing a camera so the others can see and an ear pice.

Walk in and see Wade and Logan at the bar or alternatively see them walk in.

They are sitting at the bar with one leg each intertwined and Wade's hand on Logan's thigh. Wade Is bitching to weasel about why the bar stools have to be so far apart. And Weasel's calling him a fucking idiot. "You're not the only ones that sit in those stools dumbass. Not everyone wants to be on top of each other. You can The obnoxiously in love in a booth if you have to. But I swear to Christ Wade if I catch you two doing anything in this bar I'm shooting you."

"Aww Weasel you're so nice to us."

"I mean it Wade."

Weasel give them a lineup of jobs and they pick out one for them and one for Laura. All the while the Avengers are just trying to figure out who these people are

Od:

Steve: Is… Is that James?!

Bucky: No fucking way, it’s not him. squinting Holy shit I think it is…!

Me:

Tony confused: What the hell are you talking about who the fuck is James?

Steve points on the holographic screen: Him .... maybe or could be his son or I guess grandson... We served in world war 2 with him

Bruce:.... Say it is him Why the hell is he a mercenary bar and who's the guy he's with?

Bucky:... I mean... To be fair he always did feel kind of like a mercenary so it's not that far-fetched..

Od:

Wade immediately clocking Natasha and Clint and pulling them into a booth with them.

Wade: Oh! Em! Gee! Long time no see you two~ What brings you down from the silver tower to slum it in this piss hole?

Clint: We know you?

Wade: Maaaaybe. At least professionally. Huge fan of you both be tee dubs.

Natasha blinking surprised because… this guy talks with his hands, yeah, but… he’s actually signing. For Clint.

Me:

Oohh or/and another fun idea I had is that Logan can also hear the voice is over the coms so he's really confused and intrigued what they're doing here of all places

The avengers over the coms being consumed with how much bot men are drinking. Unsure is they are just going to fall over and die due to alcohol poisoning

Od:

Wade: talking to them both

Logan: finally says something You know it’s rude to gossip when other people can’t hear you.

Tony: What the fuck?! Can he hear us?!?!

Logan: If you’d stop yelling, yeah, bub, I can hear you. But Wade can’t. So it’s rude.

(I still imagine that Peter knows Wade because of Team Red)

Wade: Wait, the other Avengers are there?! Omg Hiiiiii! Is my sweetie Pete-ie there?

Me:

Tony is about to have a breakdown. How the hell do these mercenaries know his kid and how the hell can one of them hear them all?

Logan pats Wade patronizingly: Calm

Wade: But Lolo

Logan growls

Clint and Natasha sharing a frightened we are in danger look

Od:

Wade: 😩 fiiiiiine. Buzzkill. See if I suck your dick later, dick.

Logan: You still will.

Wade: Yeah, I will~ 😘 Anyways, whatever you’re looking into, we’ve probably got more intel about it than you do. So have your people call our people and we’ll figure it out~ aka tell Petey Pie to text me and we’ll coordinate when and where to meet. And before he asks, we’ll see if Laura can come. Though she has exams this week. To be fair though, one of them is for Summers and she doesn’t need to study or anything. She’ll probably just kick him in the dick and call it a day. downs the rest of his bright blue and glittery drink, licking the umbrella stick clean before tucking it behind Logan’s ear like it’s a flower You ready, Peanut? I wanna get ice cream before we go home. And we promised Al we’d pick up her order.

Me:

Logan downing the rest of his whiskey: fucking sure what else am I going to do?

Wade: THAT'S THE SPIRIT!

Wade drags Logan out of the bar after yelling to weasel to put it on his tab

Tony:.... What was that who were they?

Clint:....I don't know but I feel like I really should

Natasha: ditto....

Bucky:.. that was definitely James right

Steve: There's no way it wasn't

Bruce: I'm sorry I'm still confused how they know Peter

Od:

Tony: FRIDAY, call Peter.

FRIDAY: Peter will be arriving momentarily. Should I still call him?

Tony: No. We’ll ask when he gets here. You two should head back, too. We’ll keep you on coms so you’re in the loop with what Underoos says. Speaking of.

Peter: Hi Mr. Stark! Hey guys. What’s up?

Tony: Parker. I need you to tell us how this man not only knows who you are but knows that you’re Spider-Man and that you text with him!

Bruce: Tony, breathe before you have an aneurysm.

Me:

Peter looking at the screen: OH Wade yeah.. oh shit is that Logan I haven't seen him before only heard stories.

Tony turning bright red: HOW DO YOU KNOW SOMEONE IN A MERCENARY BAR?!

Peter distractedly while getting out his phone to text Wade: Because we team up sometimes.

Peter: Wait go back the bar? Why was anyone in Sister Margaret's?

Bruce holding Tony back

Tony: HOW DO YOU KNOW THE BAR?!

Peter: Wade talks about it all the time. That's like his home base. Oh did he say If Laura was going to come?

Tony nearly in tears: Who is Laura exactly

Peter: Their daughter

Tony :

Od:

Bucky: rewinds the video so Peter can just get up to speed

Peter: watches what they’ve all seen. Snorting a laugh at the dick sucking comment and nodding at the explanation of Laura’s exam Yeah, she probably will. Awww, they’re so cute together! No wonder he’s over the moon for him. phone chimes with a loud audio tone of YEET How’s tomorrow work for everyone for a meet-up?

Tony:

Tony: Peter. I’m going to ask you again and I need a clear answer. Who are these people and how do you know them?

Peter: Well, Wade I know from Team Red.

Thor: Team Red?

Peter: Yeah, we’re the three vigilantes who wear red in New York. It’s me, Daredevil, and Wade. Deadpool.

Me:

Tony: DEADPOOL?!?!?

Peter: Yeah Wade's funny

Peter: Anyways if you want Wade can have Weasel open the bar for us early so we can talk there on somewhat nutual ground. Wade's suggestion though I'm not wholly unconvinced this isn't so Logan can drink

Bruce:.. can he just make that happen?

Peter: I mean yeah.. Weasel is one of his best friends. They also probably want to cash in whatever job they're going to do tonight.

Thor: I must say I wasn't expecting you to be a friend a mercenary.

Peter: I mean I don't like that he kills people but it's not like he's doing the world any harm. He only kills bad people

Od:

Tony: He still kills people!

Peter: but only like really bad people. Like, people even we’d want to kill if we had the chance to. They even do the jobs the X-Men don’t want their names attached to.

Tony: I’m sorry, back up, where the fuck do the X-Men come into this?!

Peter: Well, Logan’s The Wolverine. And Laura’s going to Xavier’s.

Tony:

Me:

Alternatively

Peter: What do you mean where do the X-Men come in?? Who do you think Logan is?

Avengers:.... We don't know

Peter face palms: I'll give you a hint he has claws

Avengers:.... No

Peter: Yes. Anyways Wade has been over the moon since they got together considering Logan was one of his childhood heroes. Anyways Laura also goes to school at Xaviers

The next day

Peter walking into the bar with the avengers in toe

Wade is sitting on the bar top and yammering about anything and everything.

Logan is sipping on whisky between Wade's legs. Laura is sitting on a stool a few seats away from the two looking amused and drinking a glass of her own.

Weasel is behind the bar rolling his eyes and checking over a gun.

Peter to Laura: Your not old enough to drink

Laura flipping him off: Papá doesn't care besides it's not like it will do anything to me. He wouldn't let me drink that much

Logan: course I wouldn't you won't end up like me if I can help it. Besides Wade does coke you can drink some damn alcohol

Od:

Wade: hooking his legs around Logan’s back and leaning back on his hands It helps me focus! And it stays in my system a fuck of a lot longer than Adderall or Ritalin do! taps Logan’s head Duck. leapfrogs over his head and back to the floor, coming over to give Peter a hug Hi Petey~ How did that book report presentation go?

Peter: Hi Wade. hugs him back It was good. The teacher really liked that analysis bit about patriarchy you nudged me to.

Wade: What can I say, it’s a bullshit reading of the story, but professors eat that shit up.

Me:

Avengers looking back and forth between then bewildered

Weasel: I could give less of a shit what you all do just don't fucking break anything

Logan: We won't dont worry

Laura: As long as these two idiots don't fight gestures between Wade and Logan it won't be an issue.

Logan indignantly: HEY!

Laura: Am I wrong?

Logan:.....

Laura: uh huh

Logan: where the hell did you get that attitude?

Laura: I'm looking at it

Logan:....your so lucky I love you

Laura: Whatever you say Papá

Wade: Ignore the bickering Wolvies take a seat get a drink if you want. Spin is your tale embellish if you must.

Natasha and Clint distinctly sit as far away as reasonable

Peter sits next to Laura and Tony with Bruce take a seat near to the bar. Thor takes one of the barstools.

Tony hesitantly: We are looking for a guy who is hunting down SHIELD agents

Wade: And that's a bad thing?

Peter: WADE

Wade: WHAT?! Most of them are bitches who want to screw with people's lives.

Od: Wade: Plus a good third of them are work for more than just SHIELD and that’s their cover. Do you know how shady you have to be for SHIELD to be your cover?!

Tony:... Wait what?

Wade: Yeah. Do you know the amount of people I've end up killing who had SHIELD badges and they were doing any kinds of horrific experimentation? Honestly it could be someone just hunting down the bed ones but I would need to check that.

Bruce: And how would you check that?

Wade: I know a lot of people. Also Dom could probably tell off of a look alone. Actually... Pulls out phone and clicks a few buttons DOM! my lovely fake enhanced person. Could I ask you a favor

Domino on speaker: sigh What the hell do you want Wade?

Wade: If I asked really nicely and bought you some drinks would you come down to Sister Margaret's right now and help me with something.

Dom:... This isn't a-

Wade: It's not that just a mystery that I think you could solve with your fake superpowers.

Domino: You're buying me whatever I want at the bar

Wade: Sure whatever backdoors open

Domino: Give me 10 minutes hangs up

Wade: sigh Well there's that anything else noteworthy or do you just want to wait till she gets here?

Steve: Who exactly is she?

Wade: Old Team member with fake superpowers

Logan: Will you stop saying it's freak? We all know it's not.

Wade: I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY LUCK IS NOT A SUPERPOWER

Laura: I have not seen you beat her once at any game you've ever played

Wade: That's just chance It's not a power

Laura: Whatever you say Pop

Domino walks in 8 minutes later

Wade: YOU SAID 10

Domino: Well I got lucky

Wade:

Od: Laura:

Me:

Peter looking up at her with wide eyes: I haven't met you yet Ms. Domino. I'm Peter

Domino: Aawww your Peter? Wade how dare you have kept me away from this kid he's adorable!

Wade: Because I know you would steal him from me

Domino: And you're right he's mine now

Od:

Tony: No one is stealing anyone!

Wade: Calm down, Iron Daddy, we’ll figure out split custody.

Steve: Is that you, James?

Logan: Rogers. Barnes. Good to see you again. Even though I’m not the James you knew.

Bucky: How…?

Logan: Practically immortal. And I’m from another universe. It’s a whole Thing™️

Me:

Peter nodding along: I have heard the abridged version and can confirm it's a whole thing

Wade: Ok anyways before we go down that rabbit hole can you explain to Dom here the situation.

Bruce does just that

Domino: Get me some pictures and I'll get you answers.

Tony impressed: yes ma'am

Logan and Laura are muttering to eachother while Wade takes back his place on the bar and gets another drink from Weasel.

Laura: Are you two going to drink away your paycheck?

Logan: Fucking maybe depends on how this goes.

Wade: What peanut said

Laura: sigh Al will kill you two

Wade: No she won't I have enough cash stashed around to buy a small island

Everyone but Tony (who's pulling up pictures as requested) is staring at them still in shock at the relatively new development of who exactly they are.

Logan just leans back onto Wade and in return Wade brings his unoccupied hand to pet through his hair. Logan purrs contently and only purrs loudly when Wade wraps his legs around Logan's chest to pull him further back into him.

Laura fake gags but continues to sip on her drink.

Peter eyes the drink before making puppy eyes at Tony.

Peter: Mr Stark can I have a drink too?

Tony: Hell no your underage and I'm not aiding and abetting you in that.

Peter: You were drinking at my age.

Tony: Yeah and I shouldn't have been.

Peter: but I have similar regeneration to Laura

Laura snorts: No you don't Parker besides I'm older than you

Peter: By two years!!

Laura: Exactly besides I mean it when I say the alcohol doesn't affect me in the slightest. I'd have to drink like half a bottle in a matter of minutes for that

Logan: Trust me it ain't gonna do shit besides she deserves some reward for putting up with her finals. And who the hell am I to tell her no?

Wade: Ah yes my grumpy alcoholic

Logan: FUCK OFF you know damn well I've layed off

Wade: I know honey badger I know and I'm proud of you for it

Od:

Wade: stage whispers to Peter Don’t worry, I’ll bring the good shit next patrol~

Peter: grins and bounces

Tony: What stuff? You’re not giving him anything!

Wade: Calm your tits, it’s just edibles. Edibles that Beastie Boy engineered to actually work with a super metabolism. nods at the other super soldiers You two want any? If your PTSD is anything like Logie Bear’s, it’s the BEST after a bad nightmare. Nothing like getting stoned, watching Antiques Roadshow and eating ice cream.

Bucky: Honestly…Fuck it. Yeah, I’ll take some super weed.

Wade: Yes! That’s what I’m talking about! holds out a hand for a high five but doesn’t move from his spot wrapped around Logan. Grins wider when Peter leans over to high five Wade and then leans the other direction to high five Bucky Thank you, Petey Pie~

Me:

Tony:... Why are you corrupting my child

Wade: Because it's good for him. Got to prepare him for the real world

Domino: Anyways it seems to me all your dead guys were not innocent

Bruce: How do you know that by just looking?

Domino: the vibes

Clint: The vibes? We are deciding who's innocent and who's experimenting on people by vibes?

Domino: Yes

Wade: I promise you she's right. She always is She's also not allowed to vote in the Dead Pool because of this.

Weasel: Yeah because if we let her I go out of fucking business.

Domino: Anyways I want a margarita

Weasel: yeah sure whatever invite people to the bar I didn't agree to and then have me make them drinks.

Od:

Wade: You’re still getting paid. And you could’ve said no.

Weasel: scoffs No I can’t~ starts making her drink Anyone else want anything?

Me:

Domino: I could have brought Cable

Weasel groans: Small miracles

Weasel takes a few others and grumbles the whole time.

Wade: Would it make you feel better if I took the rest of the gold cards off your hands?

Weasel: You know what yes actually do that it'll save me the pain and letting the fucking idiots fight over them

Logan just groans

Logan: Fuck sakes Red what and you just agree too?

Wade: Money to cover Domino drinking me out of house and home.

Domino sips on her margarita pointedly

Natasha: back to the original point Who would be hunting down these SHIELD agents?

Laura: Do you want that alphabetized or order of how likely?

Tony:... You know you are so sassy

Laura: Gracias I get it genuine

Logan: fuck I'd do it for free. But it has to be someone who knows how to sniff out the fakers. Or it could be they all work under one organization.

Wade: That's unlikely the more people in one organization hiding in SHIELD the more likely they are to get caught.

Clint: So someone has to know. Could it be an inside job?

Wade: I mean that's definitely possible. But if you were sent to figure it out that means it's not common knowledge in the upper ranks. So this isn't some organized thing in the higher echelons to get rid of them. If it was me trying to kill them out I'd hire a lot of separate mercenaries or contract killers. Spread the evidence make it harder to trace. It was an inside job it could be from any level though the higher the more likely.

Avengers staring and disbelief as Wade goes over options

[solsticelosthermind]

I wish you would write a fake dating fic where Clint or Bucky has to play lovey dovey with Nat (or someone else) for a mission, and they do a really good job at being convincingly in love, and that’s the trigger for the unpartnered party to realize how badly they wanted to be in Nat’s spot.

You!!! You are my favorite. This is going directly in my wips but uhh oops have the 700ish words that fell out in the last half hour: See, the mission isn’t an issue. They’ve done this before, the whole giggly-handsy-just-married-style of touristy shtick tended to be a perfect cover when they wanted to be seen but not necessarily noticed.

Except it was usually Clint pressed close to Natasha, playing a silent game of chicken with wandering hands.

And now Clint is on the sidelines.

The Backup, y’know, putting the eye in Hawkeye to use, the safety net while the spider and her mate spin invisible threads around their prey.

And, well, look, his job is to look, isn’t it? So sue him, he’s looking.

He’s caught half the damn fair drooling over them as they wander around.

Case in point, Bucky makes a show of ‘covertly’ looking around before tugging her into a less-than-hidden alcove. He picks her up by the waist like she’s made of air. When he sets her down on some kind of table, she’s slightly taller than he is. Her arms slip around his shoulders and her legs part to let him between her knees, and Clint’s not about to choke on his own spit about it, no sirree.

They’re shooed back out into the main walkway hardly a minute later. Bucky radiates the perfect amount of smugness as he tucks her under his arm, a hint of lipstick ruining the corner of his beautifully pouty mouth. Nat is the picture of shyly mortified glee, burrowing into his side to highlight the mess he’s made of her hair.

They turn the corner and she pulls him down for a kiss that lingers slightly too long, brushing her lipstick off his mouth only to kiss him again like she can’t help herself.

God. Bucky’s eyes are so dark when he straightens, thumbing at his mouth and kissing the top of her head. They step up to a game Clint knows is rigged five ways from Sunday, but Bucky plays the kid running it like a fiddle, knocking down the bottles that have been glued down with a wink. He makes a big show out of collecting a giant stuffed cat, calico with huge green eyes, and presenting it to Nat with all the gravitas of a fucking proposal. The smirk on his stupid mouth makes Clint want to eat his own arrows.

“Hey,” Sam mutters, knocking their shoulders together. “Tone down the scowl, man, you’re gonna freak out the mark.”

“Am not.”

“You absolutely are, dumbass. What’s got you all grumpy anyway? Still pissed Bucky got tapped to be Nat’s boy toy?”

“I can pull off a good pair of heels, too, y'know” Clint mutters.

“I’m afraid to ask,” Sam drawls.

Clint’s too busy watching the way Bucky runs a hand down Nat’s arm. He hooks their knuckles together and pulls her hand up for a kiss that’s more indecent than when he was literally grinding into her a minute ago. She giggles, long lashes fluttering as she lets him pull her in against him again.

“Yo. Barton. You with me? Where’s your head at, man?”

“I have never wanted to be short so bad in my life,” Clint answers stupidly.

“Again. What in the actual hell?”

Bucky’s hand is so casually possessive as it rests on the back of her hip. He guides her around some kind of cotton candy debacle and the muscles in his arm should be criminal.

Sam bursts into a horrible wheezing cackle that bends him in half.

Clint blinks. He darts a look to where Bucky’s running his hands through Nat’s hair, twirling it around his finger as they talk to someone’s grandma hawking funky crocheted dolls. He looks back down to where Sam’s going darker from the force of his laughter.

“What the fuck?”

“Oh man,” Sam gasps, throwing a hand on Clint’s arm to help himself upright. “You’re down bad, aren’t you?”

Clint looks back. Bucky’s got his head thrown back on his own laughter, throat bared and eyes scrunched up. He’s the most gorgeous thing Clint’s ever laid eyes on.

“Yeah,” Sam says. “You’ve got terrible taste.”

Bucky chooses that moment to slant a look over his shoulder, like he knows.

Clint gives him the all-clear, and for some reason Sam starts laughing again.

“The worst,” he repeats.

And that’s just not true at all.

“Could be worse,” Clint says once he manages to squash the need to go nuh-uh like he’s three instead of thirty. “Could be you.”

(Now on ao3!)

[ashdreams2023]

Hello! Can I please request a Loki x reader oneshot where them and all the avengers go on like a private cruise but reader gets sea sick so Loki takes care of her the whole time?? 😁 (sorry if this is a weird request lmaoo I just have bad sea sickness🥲)

More Loki comforts on the way!

Sea sick

"Are you good in there?" Loki spoke to you from behind the bathroom door.

"I want to die…" the taste of vomit was fresh in your mouth and your head was spinning whenever you looked up and was reminded that the place was actually moving.

You really thought this was a good idea for you to come, knowing damn well you get dizzy from a ride on a small boat let alone a whole cruise.

It took fifteen minutes for it to kick in, you ran to the nearest bathroom and emptied your stomach, Loki looked alarmed to say the least, you hadn’t bothered telling him or anyone about your issue.

"I’ll get some clean clothes" he said stepping away from the bathroom door, you sighed and laid your head on the toilet lid tiredly, your swimsuit long thrown away and you sat butt naked on the floor heaving like a dehydrated animal and probably looked like one to a random passerby.

After what felt like hours but was actually three minutes you pushed yourself off the bathroom for and flushed the toilet and sat at the edge of the small bathtub.

Loki walked in holding a pair of pajamas and a glass of cold water "can you stand?"

"I don’t know…"

He sighed and gave you the glass of water then pulled your hair out of your face and ran his cold hand over your forehead and the back of your neck like an ice pack.

Eventually he helped you into the room and put some clothes on you, you laid your back on the header of the bed and tried to avoid looking at the window.

"I’m guessing you’re not hungry after all of that"

"Ya think?"

He rolled his eyes then sat beside you with his cold hand pressing on the exposed skin of your collarbone and your neck.

"I had really nice swimsuits…I even got waved…" you mumbled.

Loki snorted then kissed your temple "you could’ve easily said no and we could have went to the beach instead"

"But there’s not free food and entertainment at the beach"

He raised a brow at you.

You pouted and hid your face on his chest "Fine I couldn’t enjoy either…I guess you have a point but it’s too late to back down now…and I dragged you with me, you should be drinking margaritas with the guys not babysitting my dumbass self"

"Nonsense, I can order room service, plus I have no interest listening to Clint’s drunk self babbling about arrows"

"Are you sure? I can sleep it away, I don’t want to ruin the trip for you even more"

"I am 100% ok with staying here with you, I only came because you were coming, so just relax and perhaps later I can get you put something in your belly and don’t worry about your waxing adventure…it won’t go to waste" he chuckled noticing your ears turning red at the last bit and held you until you were ready to stand on your own again.

[docthechaosking]

So like Bruce is not the kind of guy that would do research into his teammates or read anyone’s SHEILD files, right? He just would not invade people’s privacy, and even if he did get anxious enough to check Clint’s, Hulk would be on his ass about it. Therefore I can only imagine the reason Bruce knows Clint’s full first name is bc he and Janet were awkwardly standing in the background while Barney dropped a whole “CLINTON FRANCIS BARTON” at Clint. Immediately followed by Barney saying something like “you are a FUCKING MORON” and Clint punching him in the jaw.

As only children Bruce and Janet must have such a weird perception of what sibling relationships are like, since their only points of reference are Thor and Loki and these dumbasses trying to tear each other’s throats out, throwing some of the most out of pocket insults known to man, and then being completely chill two minutes later.

(Also, some people in the fandom including myself bc Clint’s older brother Barney as having been parentified during their childhood, maybe even before their parents died but definitely after, since there are some comic panels that really give off that vibe. Everything about Hawkeye’s childhood always ends up being 90% angstier than you’d expect going in lol neither of the Barton bros are even remotely okay. It’s a really interesting sibling dynamic that has a lot of untapped potential)

Oh he definitely would heard the name when they meet up with Barney. They need their fake IDs and credentials and such so they have to meet him in the middle of nowhere since actually sending them throw the mail would be risky.

Bruce definitely throws “Clinton” around all the time now.

Janet and Bruce would somehow manage to pull off a really good sibling relationship despite all they’ve seen. Bruce is that nagging older sibling and Janet is that all over the place younger sibling that tells him not to worry all the time. They would also just argue like siblings.

Ask them if Chuck E. Cheese is a restaurant and you’ll lose two hours of your life.

[normaltothemax]

Clint resisted the urge to sigh as the kid settled in. Dammit. He really hadn't wanted to add “babysitting” to his list of duties tonight. Had hoped (foolishly, apparently) that the presence of an adult would be enough to send this kid scurrying off to somewhere safer, knowing this area was taken care of. Idiot. Raising a brow, he glanced at Robin from the corner of his eye, before returning his gaze to his target. “You lost a bet, too, and it was either this or streaking through Central Park? Man, that's a pretty crazy coincidence, huh?”

He paused, frowned like the wording had just hit him. “Hang on. Someone like me? Should I be insulted? Your tone's making me think I should maybe be insulted.”

Damian's first impression of his man was that he was foolish and blind. But his second impression was that he seemed to be an excellent archer. What a terrible combination of skills. Despite Clint's best attempt at ignoring Damian, the child was determined to be seen. So if he couldn't do it in the way that he preferred, he'd simply meddle in the man's goals until he WAS seen.

"Is it not obvious? The same sort of reason someone like you would be here." Damian told him, crouching down near Clint to get a view aswell. He clicked his tongue in response to that last note, shaking his head for a "no".

[incorrectcompoundnotes]

Clint, crying: This can’t be happening

Steve: What’s wrong?

Clint: Nat says I’m pregnant! I’m not ready to have a baby!

Steve: …Clint-

Clint: I don’t even know who the father is!

Steve: Clint, you-

Clint: Tony won’t let a little Barton run around, absolutely not-

Steve: YOU CAN’T GET PREGNANT, CLINT!

Clint, looking at Steve before smiling: Oh…thank fuck.

[jemgirl86]

Hi!

@thedarkestnerd and @abarbaricyalp both asked for # 11: Things you said when you were drunk. Thank you both for the ask! Sorry for the wait, but please enjoy some AU drama lol

*******

“I’m done.”

Bucky startled and turned towards Sam. It was quiet in Clint’s apartment, too quiet. Almost everyone had already left, and the few that remained were passed out haphazardly around the room. Bucky had been seconds away from passing out himself when Sam had blurted out those two words, but the intensity in his voice had Bucky’s immediate attention.

He wasn’t shouting, but the room was so silent that he might as well have been.

“Bucky,” he said, and it sounded like he was trying to whisper, but it was the kind of whisper that would’ve only made sense on the stage. “Bucky, man, I’m so done.”

Bucky took in the slurred words, the way Sam was sprawled, and the red plastic cup he was currently crushing in his right hand, and snorted.

“I certainly hope so.”

“Really?” Sam looked confused, like it was the last thing he was expecting to hear. “Why?”

“‘Cause we have practice in the morning, and I don’t need you in the backfield with me throwing up every five minutes.”

“Huh?” If he looked confused before, Sam looked downright lost now. “What are you talking about?”

“You being done drinking,” Bucky replied, slowly. “Practice is already gonna be a bitch tomorrow.” Practice was always a bitch after a loss. “I know you don’t want to do it hungover,” he explained.

Sam was still frowning at him like he was speaking Greek though, and it had him starting to frown too.

“Wait,” he said, nose scrunching. “What were we - what did you mean?”

Sam looked at Bucky for a long moment, and suddenly, he didn’t seem all that drunk. As a matter of fact, suddenly, Bucky was feeling shaky, like maybe he was the one who had too much to drink and was a little slow on the uptake.

“What are you done with, Sam?” He asked, when Sam never replied.

“Nothin’,” he said, then sunk further into the couch.

“Sammy—

“It’s nothing,” he repeated, staring up at the ceiling.

“Come on, don’t be like that. Just tell me what—

“Seriously, Buck, it doesn’t matter. I’m probably not really done anyway.” He huffed a laugh, but it sounded sad. “We’re probably never gonna be done.”

Bucky’s eyes narrowed.

“If this is about that asshole—

“Bucky—”

Sam tried to interrupt, but Bucky wouldn’t let him.

—then you’d better be done.”

Suddenly, he was sitting up in his seat, his gaze laser focused on his friend as he continued.

“I mean, what the hell, Sam? You guys were done a month ago, or at least you were supposed to be.”

“We were — I mean, we are,” he stumbled over his words, trying to explain. “But… I don’t know…” He trailed off, then shrugged defensively. “He wanted to meet up, just to talk —

“And you agreed?” Bucky asked, incredulous at the mere idea. He shook his head. “Why?”

“I was with the guy for months—

“Yeah,” Bucky cut in, “and then he cheated on you.”

“I know that,” Sam bit out.

“Do you?” Bucky asked, sarcastically. “Then why on earth did you go see that prick?”

“Why do you even care?” Sam shot back.

“I don’t,” Bucky snapped, lying through his teeth, as he went hot all over. He just hoped to God he wasn’t actually blushing.

“Sure seems like you do.”

Bucky rolled his eyes. “I’m just trying to keep you from looking like a dumbass.”

“By acting like a jackass?” Sam asked, smartly. “‘Cause that’s how you sound, Bucky - like a jackass.”

“Whatever,” he muttered, sinking back into his seat, but Sam wasn’t having it.

“No, not whatever,” he argued. “We’re supposed to be buddies—

Bucky sprung up in his seat, shooting daggers at Sam once again, as he practically yelled: “We are! You’re my best friend, dumbass.”

“Then act like it,” Sam snapped.

“I am!”

Sam pursed his lips, before replying, “No, you’re not. Nah, you’re acting the way you always act when I bring him up. You’re acting, you’re being…” He trailed off, and shook his head. “Damnit Bucky, sometimes you almost act like you’re - man, it almost seems like you’re—

“Look,” Bucky cut in, hastily, before Sam could finish his thought. “I’m just trying to help you out.” He stood up. “But if you’re happy doing this make-up breakup shit every five minutes, with a dude who is like… the biggest horse’s ass I’ve ever met in my life,” he paused and shrugged, “then that’s cool with me.”

He started walking towards the door, trying to maintain a casual stride, but he was running away and they both knew it.

“Bucky—

Sam spoke, but Bucky didn’t even turn around. He couldn’t. Not when he was so close to getting out of there with at least some of his pride in tact.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Wilson.”

[southernbelllle]

@bumpkinbitch

The air in the abandoned church was cool with tension as the men argued.

“This why everyone hates yall bitches from the south. Y’all got no rhythm and you voted for Trump. Pick a fucken struggle bruh.” The once meek Wade argued to the blonde boy.

“Oh you wanna talk about struggle? What fuckn shoes ya mama got on under the dirt lil bitch imagine.” Jackson retorted.

“At least my mama chose to birth me and me only I seriously cannot IMAGINE being born into a fuckn litter bruh especially if I came out the albino runt ya fucken hick ass motherfuker.”

That aint what ya mama told me when I was plowin her shit from behind idiot. She was screamin all night bitch boy.” Jackson stepped closer nd waged his finger in Wade’s face like the secret gay guy in highschool musical.

“Youre such a fukn slow baby Jackson You don’t even know my mama last name.” Wade stepped closer as well.

“Yeah, she was literally screaming it the whole night. We were well acquainted. Like maggots on a ham sandwich on a hot trash can lid in May.” Jackson spat.

“Dumb ass fuckn bumpkin why the fuk would my mother be screaming her own last name you are literally the dumbest fukn person to ever be born on earth ever and your stupid ass country metaphors are so fuken stupid like who tf are you tryna be with your R Kelly ass rhymes.” Wade began to raise the tone of his voice.

“I had her screamin all sorts uh shit bruh she aint care because I was stimulating that clint sooooo good.” Jackson smiled a smug grin because he knew he ate that.

“You couldn’t find a woman’s clit if it grabbed a cast iron skillet and smacked you square in the fukn face dumbass lil chicken shit boy.” Wade flipped his hair and crossed his arms.

“Ladies ladies bruh yall gotta chill fr it’s way too late to be fighting like this.” Mellish pipped in.

“Mellish shut ya fckn hemmorhoid lips and stay out of it bruh go put on some fckn lipstick.” Jackson hollered.

Wade nodded in agreement.

Mellish’s face scrunched up.

Jackson pointed to the man’s facial expression. See this is literally what im talkin about bruh look at that dumb bitch face he makin.”

“Fine what fuck actually fuck yall yall can figure this shit out on your own.” Mellish left.

That left only Caparzo in the room and he had a literally genius idea.

“Ladies,” his voice boomed. “I have the perfect solution to this problem.”

Jackson and Wade both turned their attention to the hulking man.

“Yeah? What kind of amazing idea did the baldie cook up? You gonna make us shave our head ya fkn pedo lookin asss bitch? Wade crossed his arms.

“No,” Caparzo boomed. “It is actually boypussy Thursday, and no one has taken the time to acknowledge that this entire journey.” Both Jackson and Wade looked at each other somberly. They had not been keeping their promise they made to the military when they signed the to always participate in boypussy Thursday.

“I think it’s only right if you two men settle this in a good old fashioned twerk off. Caparzo said.

“Yeah, I think that’s a fukn fantastical idea, Obama.” Jackson agreed. Wade looked at him with disgust. “You fuckn racist hick bruh Caparzo aint even black.

“Oh yeah? Well what is he?” Jackson said.

Wade looked up and down at the buff man.

“Well, tbh idrk know either LOL like maybe Spanish or itallian?? Idk. Wade said.

“What I sayin like!!!” Jackson revealed.

“ANYWAY." Caparzo interrupted. “Go put on your best fit and come back here for the official twerk off.

When everyone had returned, both Jackson and Wade were dressed in their finest fashion nova Halloween costume.

Wade donned a skintight wonder woman bodysuit that made him look so breedble. HE had tucked his pp into his butthole in order to appear more feminnen and honesltyl he kinda popped iff!! His boobs where bigger.

Jackson also had a stellar costume. He was wearing the 2016 version Harley quinn suicide squad costume. His pale ass booty cheeks squezzed through the shorts like a can of busted biscuits. He filled the costume out very nicely. He even did his make up like margot Robbie and wore a blonde wig.

“Alright ladies!” Caparzo clpped his hands together. “It is now time to lipsync-“ he paused for a moment. “For,, your,, LIFE! Let the twerking competition begin.” Caparzo then walked over to his busted ass ipod mini and began to play starships by nicki minjaj.

As the music started to play, the boys began to oil themselves up with bottles upon bottles of baby oil like a lot of baby oil like a truckload full of baby oil.

Wade’s Caucasian skin twinkle and shined, and Jackson’s glowed in the dark like a little blue glow worm (because he was so pale.”

The two boys felt every beat of the song. Wade relying on the duck walk and jumping splits, Jackson hitting a twerk with a lil country boy flair. God forbid two white boys catch a vibe.

Just as the second chorus hit, Jackson ripped his wig off to reveal another, smaller blonde pussycat wig that was basically just his hair. He twerked his voluptuous buttcheecks like tomorrow was not promised. This only inspired wade to work harder. He kicked his red boots together and stood up in a handstand and began to walk twerk 360 style upside down. Caparzo didn’t know who was winning. It was truly neck and neck.

Right as the climax of the song hit, a new challenger had hit the stage, it was Miller in a Princess Jasmine fashion nova piece that was lowkey cultural appropriation, but he looked so good that no one said anything.

Miller strutted through the competition with ease, putting Jackson and Wade for runs of their money. It was clear Miller had experience in this field. His body moved so seductively that it was irrefutable that this was not his first time.

Eventually the song stopped, and all three contestants lined up in front of caparzo.

Caparzo spoke up, “Miller! Shante, you stay.” Miller was so happy to have won the twerk off that he went over to an empty chair and began to perform a lap dance.

“Your prize is that you get to list this seat on Facebook marketplace!” Miller wept tears of joy.

Wade , Jackson, you both are sexy and talented, but you have lost today. Shantay, away.

The two walked out of the church and kissed.

The end

[delulu-with-wandanat]

Hopelessly in Love (part 2)

Reader description: Gender-neutral pronouns, leans more towards masculine style, childhood friends with Wanda.

Pairings: Natasha Romanoff x Wanda Maximoff (Requited love), Wanda Maximoff x Reader (Unrequited love). (Natasha is only mentioned in this chapter)

Summary: As relentless as the Romanoffs are, they know when to back down when needed. So that's what Y/n did, they gave Wanda and Natasha the space they needed. Until Wanda approached them in school on the verge of tears.

The past couple of weeks have been hard, really hard. Wanda and Y/n had practically been inseparable since kindergarten, one is very rarely seen without the other. They had not only lost their bestfriend, but also loose the bond they had with their sister.

It's not that they resented Natasha, no. Ok maybe they did a little, Natasha knew about their crush on Wanda for years. Then Natasha just swoop in at the last minute, it wasn't fair, but the heart wants what it wants. And Wanda wanted Natasha.

They trusted Natasha though, as troublemaking heart-breaker their sister is. They knew Natasha was a good person deep down. So when Wanda approached them at school with teary eyes, they couldn't help but feel a mixture of disappointment, shock, and anger towards Natasha.

"What happened?" Y/n asked, careful not to upset Wanda further. "Come on, Max. Talk to me." They used Wanda's childhood nickname, one only they could use.

"Do you want to skip class with me? Maybe get some ice-cream." Wanda responded while holding back tears.

"Alright, come on."

They two childhood friends sneaked their way out of school and went to the local park to get ice-cream. They sat on one of the bench, but neither has spoken yet. It was a tradition they always did, whenever one of them is upset they would skip class and went for nice cold dessert.

"I miss this." Y/n started. "Our friendship, I know it's really awkward right now. But I just hope we don't stop being friends."

"You're stupid." Wanda said bluntly, "I could never get rid of your dumbass even if I wanted too. And I really don't."

Y/n smiled, seems like Wanda was feeling better. "There she is!" The two friends shared a laugh. "I'm always here for you, Wands."

Wanda nodded while eating her vanilla ice-cream. "It's stupid really..." Y/n stayed silent, letting her continue. "I just feel really out of place with Natasha's friends. The last time she took me to their hangout, none of them made the effort to talk to me. Natasha did of course, but obviously she needed to hangout with her friends too."

Right, yes, Natasha's little groupie. They were known to be bullies in school, there were a few decent ones, like Steve Rogers and Clint. But most of them were asshats. Luckily being Natasha's little sibling, Y/n had some perks. "Yeah, I don't like them either."

"And yesterday, I came across Sharon."

"Oh shit-" That's not a good sign. Sharon Carter was your typical mean popular girl in school, what's even worse is that Sharon was Natasha's ex.

"Yeah... Sharon told me that Natasha didn't actually like me. And that I was merely just an easy freshmen target to pick."

"Come on, Wands... You know that's not true."

"But what if it is?" Wanda started to feel insecure about herself, by the time they reached this part of the story her ice-cream had already been finished. "She also said Natasha had been texting her too all this time."

"Ok, come on that's bullshit. My sister is a flirt, yes. But never a cheater?" This can't be true, Y/n looked up to Natasha.

"I know, I didn’t want to believe it. But this morning I saw Natasha talking to Sharon in the parking lot, and she was being awfully touchy." Wanda leaned her head against Y/n. "And Nat… Didn’t bother to move away. That's why I was so upset today."

Y/n sighed and put an arm around Wanda, they were very disappointed in Natasha. "I'm sorry, Wands."

"Do you think Natasha is just playing around with me? Am I just... not pretty enough?"

Y/n pulled back to look at Wanda in the eye. "Hey, you are the most beautiful girl in the world. Don't let some Regina George wannabe tell you otherwise ok?"

Y/n swore they tried to say this in the most platonic way possible, just bestfriend comforting their bestie. But you know what they say. The eyes, chico. They never lie. Wanda felt a slight butterfly under the intense gaze and had to quickly look away.

"You should uh... Finish that ice-cream." Wanda said, trying to perhaps shift the atmosphere. Shit, ok maybe they haven't completely moved on yet.

"Right, right..."

"I still think chocolate-mint ice cream is stupid."

"You're stupid." Y/n playfully bump their shoulders, earning a laugh from Wanda. "You're favorite ice-cream flavor is a bland as your skin."

Wanda made an exaggerated gasp, "As if chocolate mint isn't basic?! You wanna be different so bad." The two friends exchange banters once again, it was nice how easy it was for them to fall back into this again.

Hope you guys like this chapter <3 (and is Wanda secretly liking reader too noww??👀 Only one way to find out)

[viperfang254]

Actual Backstory of Le Chèvre Marvel Blog (And Possible Future Fanfictions)

Le Chèvre was born into a cruel world—HYDRA. His father was killed shortly after his conception, and his mother and aunt were a part of HYDRA—advanced women who held intelligence positions. He was allowed in HYDRA—simply because he and his older siblings were born to be weapons. When he was little, his older sister was shipped off to the Red Room and died from the training, and his older brother rebelled against HYDRA, resulting in his brother’s death. Despite everything, there was one HYDRA agent he admired the most: the Winter Soldier. As he was brainwashed and indoctrinated further, his fighting style began to take after the famous Soldat, but was more adapted to his nimbler, leaner body. Thus, his fighting style focuses more on dodging and acrobatics than sheer damage. In his early 20s, he found out that his mother basically had his father killed, and so he ends up going into a rage that kills his aunt, resulting in him having to run away and defect from HYDRA—and he goes into the illegal smuggling business, where he manages to get his hands on some vibranium. Using old Tony Stark blueprints for a prototype of the Iron Man suit, he manages to make a vibranium ram mask because he always liked them as a child, and he enlists the help of the son of a former Howard Stark employee in order to make a pair of cuffs for his forearms that are made up of vibranium and a steel-cesium alloy. It’s *just* unstable enough so that when the cuffs touch and drag against each other, they cause sparks of purple fire. He also makes his own AI—named PB (based off of Poisson-Bélier from FishRam <33)—and although it’s not as nearly sarcastic as JARVIS, it gets the job done. At first, he just uses the new suit to help with his smuggling business, but he starts turning to be a vigilante—which gets the attention of SHIELD. Clint Barton is sent to find Le Chèvre and take him into custody…only to find that Le Chèvre has gone into a gay bar. After one session of awkwardly pretending to be a gay man and drugging Le Chèvre’s drink, he is in SHIELD custody. Le Chèvre comes to an agreement to become a SHIELD agent, although he still keeps the suit and persona. Although he gets the job done, he still sometimes sneaks off to help the Avengers on their lower-risk missions—especially Clint and Natasha. He gets scolded so much for this, but he doesn’t really care. He’s pretty much just a background character—until Civil War. He’s so pissed that they’re splitting up over Bucky (who he still admires, mind you) that he tries to mediate their issues (to a failure). Tony offers for him to join his side and he agrees, but Le Chèvre didn’t show up to the fight at all (because he thinks Stark is acting like a dumbass despite Bucky killing his parents…yeah, JP’s biased). After the fight, he tags along with Natasha and goes through the whole Black Widow movie and meets her family (Alexei keeps asking if they’re dating, they have to say no every single time). After that, he doesn’t involve himself with SHIELD or the Avengers until the Blip—where his other friends get blipped, and he ends up seeking out the Avengers. Obviously, Tony is pissed and goes on the whole “ah, the MIGHTY LE CHÈVRE IS ASKING US FOR HELP” sarcastic rant, but he still lets him help because, well, who wouldn’t want extra help? Well after Natasha dies, he’s very upset about it—and one of his best friends dies as well. So he’s fucked up. However, him and Bucky still stay in touch. When the Void news reaches France (where he’s moved to and where his family originates), he is shocked that Belova, Shostakov, and Barnes are on the same team. All is well until around seven months into the fourteen month gap, when they go to France to kill someone who supposedly just “knew too much”, and they find Le Chèvre drinking himself to death in a workshop with several stolen Tony Stark blueprints.

[archcr]

people often conflate comedic with unintelligent when it comes to certain characters ( that or “sassy”) so I can only imagine clint likely gets flanderized to hell by fandom and made into a complete idiot when he’s not. idk much about clint but that’s my guess anyway.

send an assumption about my muse and I’ll tell you if it’s right or wrong !

AW MAN , DON’T GET ME STARTED. or actually, do get me started cos that’s the point of the meme isn’t it.

there definitely is a wide-spread assumption that Clint is . . . not stupid, necessarily, but too chaotic to function properly. that he’s just 100% a mess. the reason for that, I think, doesn’t come from his comedic nature ( lbr, a lot of folks aren’t even aware that he’s funny af ). if there is one comic run that somehow most people have either read or seen panels of, it’s Fraction.

Fraction is wonderful on one hand cos it utterly humanizes Clint in a world full of perfect superheroes. he drinks coffee straight from the pot, uses shoelaces for a belt, cuts every last wire on his PlayStation cos he’s too lazy to untangle them, starts beef with the “tracksuit mafia” and ends up needing to be saved by every last one of his ex-girlfriends while also being demeaned and slapped by them but that’s okay cos Clint is obviously an idiot ( listen, I was trying not to let my dislike for Fraction show but obv I can’t hide it ). the fandom at large finds that so relatable, it’s become established that Clint is a messy dumbass.

thing with that run that people seem to forget : Clint was severely depressed at the time to the point where he’d started to neglect himself completely.

if one was to pick up pretty much any other comic run with him, one would come across one of the most hard-working and capable people, especially considering that Clint is 100% human without any form of powers. sure, he’s very nonchalant about pretty much anything. he’s sarcastic, he quips a lot, doesn’t take most things too seriously, and comes with a generally very casual attitude. but he’s way, way more than that.

he creates his own trick arrows. he’s successfully lead various avenger teams and a thunderbolt team. his greatest fear is not being good enough. he has an unbelievable temper and will start a fight with literally anyone. he is the most loyal friend anyone could ask for. he will always sacrifice himself for the right thing even if it means being alienated from and hated by everyone he knows ( if I had a cent for every time that happens in the comics, I’d have two cents. which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice ).

and here’s the fun part: Clint strives on being underestimated. he aims for that. constantly. if he comes across as stupid, it’s because that’s what he wants others to believe. Clint is basically the guy who invented weaponized incompetence and uses it when he sees fit - only to then turn around and pull a thoroughly complicated, well-planned and selfless act.

he’s a bit chaotic. absolutely. and he’s a little too casual and doesn’t take a lot of things seriously. but he’s definitely not stupid.

[oiladgivememoney99]

Danganronpa Stardew Slaughter: Chapter 1 Trial

https://archiveofourown.org/works/63745603/chapters/164605240

TRUTH BULLETS

MONOMO FILE #1

SAM’S BROKEN RIBS

SAM’S JACKET

CLEAN FARMHOUSE

SCRATCH MARKS ON SAM’S NECK

OVERFLOWING SINK

PAPER IN SINK

SAM IN THE FARMHOUSE

FARM GROUP ALIBIS

HARVEY’S AUTOPSY

EMILY’S ACCOUNT

CLINT’S ACCOUNT

TOWN GROUP ACCOUNT

FOREST GROUP ACCOUNT

BLUE FABRIC

SHARP OVERGROWTH

BLOOD STAIN ON FOUNTAIN

MARKED FOUNTAIN

KILLING GAME FAMILY RULE

CLASS TRIAL: BEGIN!

“Now then, let’s begin with a basic explanation of the Town Trial!” MonoMo begin. “During the trial you will discuss evidence, and then vote for who you think the murderer is. If you vote for the right person, I will only punish the murderer, but vote for the wrong person and everyone besides the murderer will be punished, and they will be allowed to leave this town!”

“Well, we’re here, and we know what we’re supposed to do,” Leah started. “But I’ve got not idea where we’re supposed to start,”

“Sam’s death came as a shock to us all,” Penny mumbled and nodded. “It’s q-quite hard to talk about,”

“Well then, may I suggest our first topic?” Elliott gave a sly smile.

Abigail shrugged. “Shit, man, go ahead. It’s not like we have anything else,”

Elliot nodded. “Why don’t we start with the state of Sam’s body? He had plenty of wounds on his body,”

“Yes, a broken rib and bleeding marks on the back of his neck to be specific,” Harvey added.

“So that’s what killed him!” Maru yelped. “One of those two,”

There’s something that disproves that, Maru’s moving a bit too quickly

NONSTOP DEBATE

“Sam got stabbed in the neck!?” Abigail let out a yelp of her own. “That’s brutal,”

“We didn’t find any kind of knife, though,” Sebastian added. “That, or they cleaned it after killing him,”

Harvey shook his head. “The marks on Sam’s neck appear more like scratch marks, not something caused by a weapon,”

“A broken rib wouldn’t have killed him either…” Emily looked deep in thought.

Maru groaned. “There’s gotta be something, those wounds are the only things that make sense to have killed him,”

MONOMO FILE #1

“NO, THAT’S WRONG!”

“Maru, we were all given the same MonoMo file, right?” I asked.

Maru shook her head confused. “The wha?”

“That notification you um… ignored,” Sophia let out an awkward, apologetic laugh. “It gave us a bunch of basic information about the murder,”

“Including that the cause of death was drowning,” Haley let out a mildly annoyed sigh. “I thought you were meant to be smart or whatever, you can’t even read?”

“I-I can read!” Maru yelped. “I guess I just got caught up investigating and forgot to check,”

“Well that’s fine,” Victor said. “We’ve gotten how he died cleared up, that’s a good start!”

“That also explains why the farmhouse was flooded, Sam was drowned in the sink,” Shane said.

Emily let out a high pitched, sick sounding noise. “That’s such a horrible way to go,”

“Yeah, guy who did this has gotta be some kinda asshole,” Alex grumbled. “Like Shane!”

“The fuck are you talking about, dumbass meathead!?” Shane grumbled back at the athlete.

“Are you… are you accusing Shane entirely based on him being kind of a dick?” Clint quirked an eyebrow, Shane glared at the blacksmith for a moment then went back to glaring at Alex.

“That’s… not evidence at all,” Penny sighed, shaking her head dejectedly.

“Even for you, that’s pretty stupid,” I shake my head too, more in disappointment than Penny however.

“Hey! I have actual proof!” Alex yelled.

Sebastian rolled his eyes. “Sure you do,”

“So stupid, that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard!” Haley mocked and pointed at the athlete. “Surprised you have thoughts up there that aren’t just about catching a ball!”

“He was the only guy who didn’t come to the investigation thingy, that’s suspicious as hell!” Alex yelled out, waving his hands around like a five year old thrown into the deep end of a swimming pool.

“That’s… huh,” Leah put a hand to her chin and nodded slowly. “That’s actually a pretty fair point,”

“That doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s the killer!” Emily yelped out in defense of the man who now looked just a bit nervous. Emily’s face scrunched up in frustration. “Accusing him like that is gonna make it really hard for him to adjust to the group!”

“He’s not gonna have to adjust if he’s the killer,” Haley said.

“Haley!”

Shane rolled his eyes. “You guys are dumber than I thought if you’re gonna accuse me on something that minute,”

“We’re not accusing you,” Penny corrected quietly. “But we do need to consider it,”

Victor nodded. “We need to consider everything here,”

That we do, Shane not coming looks odd, but it can’t be the only thing we use to decide the culprit.

NONSTOP DEBATE

“I-I suppose it’s a little strange that Shane was the only one not present,” Sophia mumbled. “But is that really that suspicious?”

“Of course it is! Shane’s the only guy no one can account for!” Alex argued.

Sebastian looked deep in thought for a moment. “Shane, where were you today?”

“The ranch, where else would I be?” The man shrugged.

“In order to get to the farmhouse, he’d need to walk through the forest,” Abigail added with a small nod.

“That’s correct,” Elliott nodded with a small chuckle. “Leah and I were in the forest, we never saw anyone go through there,”

FOREST GROUP ACCOUNT

“I AGREE WITH THAT!”

“Yeah, that’s what you and Leah told me when I asked,” I said as I nodded my head.

Elliott nodded back in his usual, polite manner. “Indeed, no one could have entered the farmhouse through the forest,”

“Plus that forest is pretty big,” Abigail added. “Someone like me could go through it, but Shane’s pretty outta shape, so I doubt he’d be willing,”

“Well fuck you too,” Shane shook his head with a small chuckle.

“You did interview everyone, right Claire?” Sophia asked.

I nodded again. “Yeah, I tried to be as thorough as possible,”

“Sooooooo, where do you think the killer had to have come from?” Haley turned her head curiously.

“We do need to establish that ASAP,” Leah said. “It’ll help us narrow down a whole lot,”

“I’m not too sure about that, but… as far as Leah and Elliott’s account says; no one was able to enter the farm from another area-”

“YOUR LOGIC’S STIFF!”

“Huh?” I let out a shocked sound as Leah interjected.

“I never said that no one could have entered the farm,” Leah shook her head. “We need to consider every option here,”

“You and Elliott didn’t see anyone come in, though,”

“We didn’t see anyone come through the forest, there’s another place that isn’t accounted for,”

The north? That’s the only place I can think of, there has to be something that disproves what Leah is saying…

REBUTTAL SHOWDOWN

CLAIRE VS LEAH

GO!!!

“I’m fully aware that no one could have gone through the forest…”

“Least of all Shane,”

“But it’s still fully possible that anyone could have gone to the farm…”

“Find Sam in there, overflow the sink and then drown him,”

“The only other entrance to the farmhouse is the north…”

“Wouldn’t the group exploring there have seen them?”

“The north has a lot more to it than the forest, a lot more to explore,”

“The only reason Elliott and I even could’ve anyone walk through is because we… well weren’t exploring all that much,”

“It’s fully possible that someone could’ve walked through a part of the north not being explored,”

“And while town square isn’t that big, someone could’ve fully just hidden in town, waited for the path to the north to be unoccupied and walked from there to the north…”

TOWN GROUP ACCOUNT

“I’LL CUT THROUGH THAT ARGUMENT!”

“Actually, I asked the town group about their account of everything, and they never said if they saw anyone,” I said.

“Yeah, Sophia and I spent basically all of our time at the northern part of town square,” Victor added.

Sophia nodded. “We never saw anyone even walk by, it was kind of boring,”

“But it was worth the experience of bonding as friends!” Emily added with a beaming smile.

Victor shrugged. “Sure, something like that,”

“Oh uh… I guess that makes sense,” Leah let out a small, uncomfortable chuckle. “Sorry for wasting your time, guys,”

“It’s really fine,” Penny nodded with a smile.

“Yes, it’s better that we disprove instead of just assuming that something is wrong,” Harvey added with a nod.

“It appears that attempting to directly find out who killed Sam is only leading to more questions,” Elliott put a hand to his chin as he thought. “Perhaps we should move onto a different topic?”

“Like what, man?” Alex asked.

“Hmmm…” Maru did the hand to her chin thing too, before soon shooting up with a glint in her eye. “Ooo, how about the actual events of Sam’s death! I sounded way to excited about that…”

“Don’t worry too much, that sound like a pretty good direction to take this trial,” Abigail let out a small chuckle. “Though… we already know that Sam was drowned, isn’t that good enough?”

“Not really…” Penny shook her head wistfully. “We need to be able to figure out the full events leading up to Sam’s death to figure out anything concrete,”

“Let’s ask farm group then,” Emily asked. “When did you all last see Sam?”

“Fourish, we were splitting up to explore the forest separately after he and Abigail had ran off,” Sebastian explained, sounding frustrated at the Adventurer’s antics.

“Ah c’mon, when I see a big spooky forest I just gotta explore it!” Abigail pouted and chuckled. “Don’t hold it against me!”

“So you all split up around four?” Emily turned her head curiously. “Why? You all could have covered the entire forest if you had stuck together,”

I shrug. “Abby was going to run away either way, and Sam was gonna follow her,”

“Still, it’s a bit irresponsible,” Emily puffed out her cheeks and crossed her arms.

It was… I should have insisted on going with Sam. It was wrong of me to leave him alone. That’s why he ended up dying… that’s why we’re all here right now…

No, there’s no point dwelling on it now. Sam would want me to solve his murder. We wouldn’t want me to get caught up in what I should and shouldn’t have done…

“M-Maybe a little,” Abigail chuckled uncomfortably, I could tell she was having the same thoughts as I was… poor girl.

“So, Abigail and Sam are dumb and run off, so you guys split up,” Haley said insultingly.

“Hey!”

Haley ignored the protests of the purple haired girl. “Where did hair gel boy end up splitting off to?”

He told us before hand…

SAM IN THE FARMHOUSE

“I GOT IT!”

“He… ended up going to the farmhouse by himself,” I said with a regretful shudder, even though I knew that regretting letting him leave wasn’t going to do anything good now.

“So he went to the farmhouse, someone went there for whatever reason and then killed him,” Shane shrugged. “Seems simple enough,”

“Did none of you offer to go with him?” Sophia asked gently. “Everyone in my group explored in groups of at least two…”

“He insisted on going alone,” Sebastian added quickly. “We all thought he’d be fine to do it, the farmhouse isn’t that big anyway…”

“He insisted on going alone? That’s so freakin’ weird,” Alex shook his head.

“It is rather strange,” Elliott nodded his head inquisitively. “Perhaps then someone used the assumption that someone would be exploring the farmhouse, walked on in and killed Sam there,”

“That makes the most sense,” I agreed with the poet.

“Ah, so his death was up to chance,” Elliott let out a wistful sigh. “Mere bad luck caused his death, is that not the fate we are all going to experience in the end?”

“Well thanks for reminding me, asshole,” Shane let out in a grunt of annoyance and frustration.

“So, Sam died in the farmhouse… but how specifically?” Maru said. “I doubt he would’ve just watched someone overflow the hell out of a sink and not even ask about it,”

“Maybe Sam was knocked out beforehand?” Leah asked with a shrug.

That’s not possible, because…

NO WOUNDS ON THE HEAD

“THIS IS IT!”

“No, Sam couldn’t have been knocked out. There were no wounds on his head,” I explained. “None that we could identify anyway,”

Harvey nodded. “Yes, and he hadn’t lost enough blood to go into shock or pass out either,”

“That… makes no sense,” Leah looked at the ground in confusion.

“D-Did Sam just let himself die!?” Sophia yelped. “Oh… that’s a horrible thought!”

“Sam wouldn’t have done that!” Abigail yelped. “He was everyone’s friend,”

“He wouldn’t shut up about it,” Sebastian said with a sigh, that while sounding frustrated also sounded wistful in a way. “Especially not to me, Sam doesn’t seem like the suicidal type,”

“Well, don’t be so hasty… we do have motives after all,” Haley let out a small chuckle. “Maybe someone came up with a sob story, backed it up with their video and Sam decided then and there that he had to save this person~”

“Haley you sound insane,” Emily glared at her sister, concerned, not angry.

“Tch,” Haley grumbled. “Just giving theories, and you’re the one that believes in all that spiritual crap!”

“Everyone needs a hobby…” Clint mumbled defensively, so quiet that no one could hear it particularly well.

We’re getting sidetracked, we need to get back to the specifics of how Sam died as soon as possible.

NONSTOP DEBATE

“I don’t think Sam would do that either!” Abigail yelped again.

“Haley’s just being annoying,” Emily reassured with a small chuckle. “We’re getting sidetracked anyway, we still don’t have a clear theory of the events leading up to Sam’s death,”

“All we have so far is that someone walked in the farmhouse while Sam was in there…” Sophia mumbled.

Victor shook his head. “That’s not even confirmed, as far as we’re aware they could have been hiding in there,”

“No way to confirm that unfortunately,” Elliott shook his head with a sigh.

“I still think he died willingly, by the way,” Haley added.

Penny, alongside most of the people in the trial room glared at her… though Penny’s glare was far more gentle. “And why is that?”

“Well duh, if was being drowned unwillingly he would’ve fought back!” Haley forced her hands forward in a rough motion. “There’s nothing indicating any kind of struggle, so he had to have been in on his own murder!”

SAM’S BROKEN RIBS

“NO, THAT’S WRONG!”

“Sam’s ribs were broken,” I argued with conviction in my voice. “That in of itself is evidence of a struggle,”

“Is it?” Haley quirked an eyebrow. “He could’ve just hit his chest on the sink, those broken ribs are the only wounds he had anyway,”

That’s wrong too, Sam had another set of wounds…

SCRATCH MARKS ON SAM’S NECK

“I GOT IT!”

“He did have other wounds, scratch marks on the back of his neck,” I added. “That couldn’t be an accident, I imagine they were caused by the culprit grabbing Sam’s neck to force his head underwater,”

“Eugh… that’s brutal,” Abigail shuddered. “I had wondered how those wounds got there,”

“Sam’s chest was slammed against the sink?” Emily turned her head curiously.

Yes, and I know why because…

HARVEY’S AUTOPSY

“THAT’S IT!”

“Harvey did an autopsy on Sam’s body,” I explained.

“Huh, guess he would be able to do that,” Alex crossed his arms. “Being a doctor and all,”

“They aren’t perfect,” Harvey warned calmly. “But I can use what I know about certain wounds to guess that Sam’s broken ribs were caused by someone slamming his chest against something hard,”

“Hard enough to crack them,” Haley gave a slow nod, then shrugged. “Huh, guess I was wrong,”

“You’re giving up that easily?” Emily turned her head. “That’s not like you at all,”

Haley put her hands to her hips. “Our lives are at stake here, dumbass, I’m not gonna be that beat up about being wrong!”

“Ah, putting your own pride away to assist us in finding this murderer,” Elliott nodded with a smirk. “Such a noble thing to do for us~”

“Ew, I’m honestly hoping its you now cause of how weird you are,”

“Haley!” Emily chastised.

“Well, we know how Sam died now,” Sebastian said. “Beaten against the sink and then drowned in it,”

“It’s terrible to think about…” Leah shuddered as she looked at her boots.

“So t-terrible…” Sophia mumbled, sounding scared and depressed.

“So, the killer had to have died in the farmhouse,” Penny looked deep in thought, going completely silent as her eyes widened.

“Therefore… the only possible murderers are people who had been in the farm group,” Victor said. “Is that what you’re trying to say?”

“I-It’s what I’m thinking,” Penny shakily confirmed. “It’s a terrible thought, but the only people who would be able to know that Sam would be in the farmhouse would be the people he told before he left for it,”

“Sebastian, Abigail and Claire,” Elliott confirmed with a stern hum and a nod. “Those are the only possible killers,”

“Wh-Wha!?” Abigail let out a loud shriek. “S-Sam was my friend! I would never- none of us would ever!”

“Sebby wouldn’t do that!” Maru yelled as she game to her brother’s defence, Sebastian letting out a dejected sigh. “I know him better than anyone, he’s not a murderer!”

“Well then it’s Claire,” Shane glared at me as he grumbled out his words.

“Helping during the trial would be an interesting way to get suspicion off of your back,” Haley chuckled behind her hand. “Sucks that it’s not gonna work if you’re one of the only people able to kill Sam,”

“I’m not the killer either, none of us are,” I said, confidence and conviction in my tone even as I felt sweat pour down my forehead… it can’t be me or Abigail, we were together, but… we never saw Sebastian at any point…

It- It can’t be Sebastian. Sam was his friend, our friend! It’s not possible, not at all…

“You have to believe me!” Maru shouted in defence. “There has to be some way that Sebastian is innocent,”

“You’re only defending him cause if he gets away with it you get to leave too,” Shane grumbled at the Roboticist, who suddenly froze up at the accusation.

“Shane! That’s a horrible thing to say!” Penny raised her voice every so slightly at the older man.

Shane shrugged. “It’s what makes sense, we can’t trust anyone in this damn killing game!”

“Now, don’t say that. We can trust eachother!” Emily tried to calm the situation down, but it wasn’t working.

“I- uhh… yeah…” Clint mumbled. “We gotta try to not collapse this… easily…”

“Wait!” Victor shouted. “We don’t know what happened after Sam left for the farmhouse, where were you all,”

Here’s my chance. It’s gonna be painful and hard, but if I lie here and say that we were all together then…

Sebastian has to be innocent…

“W-Well, we were-”

Sebastian suddenly interrupted me. “Abigail and Claire were together, I was alone,”

“Wh-Wha!?” Tears suddenly formed in the corner of the panicking Maru’s eyes.

“So you-”

“I’m not the killer, though,” He also stated as he interrupted a now fuming Haley. “I just don’t feel like lying to defend myself,” He said as he gave me a small glare. He could tell what I was going to do,”

“Can you confirm this, Claire?” Victor asked me calmly.

I let out a sigh. Goddammit, Seb. “Yes, me and Abigail had explored the west of the forest together, while Sebastian had gone south,”

Abigail nodded. “So, none of us can be the killer. We were together!”

“Well then that makes our number one suspect Sebastian,” Elliott looked at the programmer inquisitively.

“Believe what you want,” He raised his hands casually, though I could tell from the shaking of his legs that he was terrified. “I’m not the killer,”

“H-He just can’t be!” Maru shouted. “Th-There has to be something that confirms that he’s innocent!”

“I thought you were smart. You should know you need more than that to make us trust him,” Haley crossed her arms, looking proud of herself.

It’s gonna take a minute to think of it, but there has to be some other way that someone could have known where Sam would be…

NONSTOP DEBATE

“Sebastian’s our top suspect!” Haley declared proudly.

Victor nodded. “He’s the only culprit that makes logical sense,”

“N-No he’s not!” Maru yelped.

“Logical maybe, but…” Penny trailed off. “I just can’t see Sebastian killing his own friend,”

“What you can see has nothing to do with it!” Alex shouted. “That skinny weirdo’s the killer for sure!”

Sebastian stood in silence, he gave Maru a brief look of sympathy before sighing and returning to his usual neutral face.

“C-C’mon… there has to be some other way for someone to know where Sam was!” Maru let out another, more desperate yelp. “L-Like a note or something!”

PAPER IN SINK

“I AGREE WITH THAT!”

“There was another way for someone to have known!” I said suddenly, and louder than I had intended.

“Yes!” Maru cheered. “What is it?”

I cleared my throat as everyone looked at me. “When Abigail and I were exploring the farmhouse we had found a scrap of paper in the sink,”

“I can confirm as a neutral party that it was there,” Harvey said before anyone could interject.

“What does that piece of trash prove!?” Alex yelled. “You’re making this case a lot more confusing than it actually is!”

No I’m not, you’re just stupid.

“What does some wet paper even mean?” Haley put a hand on her hip.

It didn’t seem obvious at first. Especially not to people with the mental capacity of Alex, but that piece of paper is clearly…

AN INVITATION

“THIS IS IT!”

“It was an invitation, likely inviting Sam to the farmhouse,” I said with a firm nod.

“That… hm,” Leah nodded with a smile.

“That just about makes sense,” Abigail gave a beaming smile. “Anyone could’ve wrote that old thing,”

“Yeah, anyone!” Maru let out a huge sigh of relief. “And it explains why the culprit had stuffed it in the sink and ripped it up, they wanted to make sure we wouldn’t find it!”

“That’s all well and good, but this hasn’t actually helped,” Haley shook her head, clearly annoyed. “We’re just back to square one!”

“Yeah, now it’s 15 suspects instead of 1,” Shane complained.

“N-Not exactly…” Sophia squeaked like a mouse. “Remember, no one could have gone through the Forest or the Town to the farm…”

Elliott nodded. “We did confirm that, I suppose that only leaves two groups who could have committed this murder,”

And those groups are…

NORTH AND FARM

“I GOT IT!”

“The north group and the farm group, only someone from those two groups could have committed this murder,” I confirmed. “We’ve expanded our list of culprits,”

Maru sighed. “Okay, okay that’s fine. It’s not just Sebastian,” Maru then looked at her brother. “Speaking of which, why didn’t you defend yourself?”

“I did,” The man shrugged.

“Not very well!” Maru pouted. “C’mon, you gotta put more effort in, please?”

Sebastian didn’t respond, Maru let out a sigh.

“Well, we’re down to two groups, but…” Penny shook her head. “No way to confirm which,”

“I was in the north group, and it’s not me!” Alex declared firmly.

“But there was a direct link to the farmhouse from the north group,” Leah added. “If anything it makes more sense for it to be someone part of the north group,”

“And Emily was in the north group… perhaps she set up this whole event to commit a murder…” Elliott mused.

“That doesn’t seem right…” Clint mumbled.

“What!?” Emily yelped, louder than I expected from the woman. “I didn’t do that, I-I was really trying to get us to bond our souls together!”

“I want to believe Emily…” Penny mumbled. “But… we need to consider every option possible,”

“I still think it’s gotta be someone who was on the farm, only thing that makes sense,” Shane shook his head.

“Y-Yeah,” Sofia mumbled in agreement.

“Someone from the farm group trying to shift the blame, suspicious as hell!” Haley glared at me poutily. “I bet Claire and Abigail did it together!”

“Throwing out shit like that makes you look suspicious!” Abigail shouted back.

“It appears we can’t agree on this…” Harvey let out a disappointed sigh.

“Yeah,” Victor shrugged. “I didn’t think we’d be split down the middle this hard-”

“HOLD ON, HOLD ON!”

“Did you all say split!?” MonoMo shouted like a mental patient. “You said it, split! Split! Split!”

“We said split, why are you yelling about it!?” Shane grumbled in frustration at the apple creature’s screaming.

“What are you getting at?” Victor raised an eyebrow.

MonoMo proudly cleared his throat. “Because you guys can’t come to an agreement: Pelican Town is proud to present its very own morphenomenal trial grounds!”

“Morph- this place is gonna morph!?” Maru asked excitedly, before clearing her throat and calming back down as to not give the host a win.

“Of course you’d know what that means,” Alex crossed his arms.

MonoMo shoved a key into a lock at the front of his throne, soon all of our witness stands moved around the room into 2 groups, each representing a different theory…

DEBATE SCRUM

WHAT GROUP WAS THE KILLER APART OF?

NORTH GROUP

Claire, Abigail, Sebastian, Maru, Penny, Victor, Harvey, Leah

FARM GROUP

Haley, Alex, Emily, Clint, Shane, Elliott, Sophia, Sam

DEBATE SCRUM: START!

HALEY:

“Farm group’s the only people who would know where Sam was!”

ABIGAIL!

“Don’t you remember what Claire said? That note in the sink means that anyone could’ve known where he was!”

ELLIOTT:

“But how do we know that piece of paper is even a note?”

MARU!

“It’s not like there’s anything else that piece of paper could’ve been,”

ALEX:

“Wouldn’t forest chick have caught anyone going into the farm?”

LEAH!

“Elliott and I only would’ve been able to see someone coming from the forest,”

SOPHIA:

“M-My group would’ve caught anyone coming from anywhere else…”

VICTOR!

“We only would have caught someone entering from town square into the North,”

CLINT:

“Sebastian was the only person completely alone, right?”

I’LL GET IT!

“As far as I’m aware, everyone in the north group was also exploring alone,”

EMILY:

“Is there any evidence that makes my group more suspicious?”

SEBASTIAN!

“No, but there’s no evidence that makes my group more suspicious either…”

CROUCH BIND!

…

“THIS IS OUR ANSWER!”

Our stands moved back to their spot in the circle.

“The culprit has to be someone from the north group,” I declared.

“At the very least we should consider the possibility before we assume it’s Sebby again,” Maru said with a firm nod.

“That’s all well and good, but… do we have anything more to investigate?” Elliott asked. “We’ve discussed everything in the farmhouse, have we not?”

“Everything we could find,” Sebastian confirmed.

“Do we have any evidence from the north then?” Penny asked. “I doubt anyone would have explored there, but…”

We do have evidence from there! That’s what that stuff Abigail and I found could mean!

NONSTOP DEBATE

“Well, we’re all out of options all over again!” Haley groaned as she aggressively shrugged.

“We’ve narrowed down the list of culprits to one group,” Penny nodded. “But with no way to find out who specifically did it, that isn’t particularly helpful!”

“Well then, any theories?” Shane shrugged as he looked around the circle.

“Wait!” Aibgail yelped. “What if Sam wasn’t even killed in the farmhouse?”

“That’s gotta be the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard,” Shane glared at the adventurer.

“That’d be a major shift in the case, but… without proper evidence-”

Abigail interrupted Clint’s mumbling. “But I do have evidence, me and Claire investigated the north, we found something that didn’t make sense at the time there,”

BLOODSTAIN ON FOUNTAIN

“I AGREE WITH THAT!”

“Do you mean the bloodstain on the fountain?” I asked.

Abigail nodded energetically. “Yeah, yeah! We found a bloodstain on the fountain in the north of the town,”

“A bloodstain?” Penny turned her head. “Hey Harvey, wasn’t Sam slammed against something when he was being d-drowned?”

Harvey nodded. “Yes, and if we are to believe that that blood is Sam’s blood, then it’s likely he was slammed against the fountain,”

“He still totally could have died in the farmhouse,” Shane grumbled. “I’m not convinced from one bloodstain,” He crossed his arms and gave me an agitated look.

There is something I found suspicious about the farmhouse, after all…

CLEAN FARMHOUSE

“I GOT IT!”

“Sam dying in the fountain makes a lot of stuff make way more sense,” I began. “Like how the farmhouse was completely clean even though there had to be some kind of struggle-”

“ARE YOU DRUNK OR SOMETHING!?”

“What!?” I grasped as I raised an eyebrow at Shane’s sudden interjection.

“What you’re makes no damn sense!” The man declared loudly.

“If you’d give me a minute to explain-”

“You’ve talked enough,” Shane rolled his eyes in annoyance.

REBUTTAL SHOWDOWN

CLAIRE VS SHANE

FIGHT!!!

“I know damn well that Sam had to die in the farmhouse!”

“So what if he could’ve been drowned in the fountain?”

“It’s just as likely that he was drowned in the sink!”

“But what about the bloodstain on the fountain?”

“Doesn’t that prove that Sam was at least attacked there?”

“There could’ve been a bloodstain in the farmhouse…”

“The sink would’ve washed it away!”

“And you say that there’s no evidence of a fight at the farmhouse…”

“But I doubt there was evidence of that at the fountain either!”

MARKED FOUNTAIN

“I’LL CUT THROUGH YOUR ARGUMENT!”

“But there was evidence of a struggle at the fountain!” I interjected myself.

“Really?” Shane raised an eyebrow above his tired eye. “Why didn’t you tell us earlier!?”

“I tried to,” I said with a deep, irritated sigh. “There were scratch marks on the rim of the fountain, a result of Sam attempting to fight back as he was being drowned,”

“A-And water wouldn’t have been able to wash away any scratch marks in the farmhouse,” Sophia said with a smile and a nod. “So the fact that it was clean minus the water means that Sam couldn’t have died there,”

“Oh… I guess that makes sense,” Shane let out a groan. “Thanks…”

“You’re welcome,” I nodded.

“I suppose that confirms it, only someone in the north group could have killed Sam,” Emily shook her head dejectedly as she let out a deep sigh. “That’s… so horrible to think about,”

“Someone took advantage of your plan to bring us together,” Victor said with a sigh of his own. “That’s what makes the most sense,”

“What an asshole…” Haley grumbled, so low that only I was able to hear it.

“Well, at last we have narrowed down our list of suspects to a mere four people: Haley, Emily, Clint and Alex,” Elliott nodded his head with a smirk. “Among those four is the killer in our midst,”

“Well it’s not me, not Emily either!” Haley said.

“It’s not me!” Alex shouted.

“I don’t think any of are just gonna suddenly admit to a murder…” Clint mumbled. “We need more evidence…”

“Does anyone in the north have an alibi?” Penny asked.

Do they?

EMILY’S ACCOUNT

“I GOT IT!”

“As far as I’m aware, all four of you were split up at the time of the murder, right Emily?” I asked the blue haired woman.

“That is what I said,” The woman shook her head. “We shouldn’t have split up,”

“Maybe you wanted your group to,” Shane glared all accusatory at the seamstress, everyone gave him a look, the most hateful of all being Haley. “You planned out this whole investigation thing, and I imagine you suggested splitting up to your group?”

“Yeah, she did!” Alex said, pointing at Emily, who had begun to shake and sweat a little.

“I-I would never, I promise it’s just a coincidence!” Emily yelped and raised her hands in surrender. “I didn’t kill Sam, I didn’t plan this out to cause a murder!” Emily said desperately.

“I-It doesn’t look great, but… I don’t think she did it…” Sophia mumbled.

“Emily’s not that kind of person,” Clint defended.

And I believe there’s something that proves Emily’s innocence at the very least.

NONSTOP DEBATE

“You have to believe me, please!” Emily yelped.

“You were all separated,” Victor said. “That’s gonna look bad no matter what,”

“That’s why you all thought I was the killer,” Sebastian said quietly.

“Emily wasn’t even near the fountain,” Haley suddenly blurted out. “She decided to explore that part of the path that leads into a mountain, dumbass!”

“You don’t know that for real, though,” Alex shook his head. “She coulda just left for the fountain after she thought Sam was there,”

Emily began to mumble. “M-Maybe someone saw me? I promise you all I’m not the killer!”

CLINT’S ACCOUNT

“I AGREE WITH THAT!”

“Hey, Clint. You said you saw Emily while you were exploring, right?” I said.

“Ah!” Clint gasped, before soon nodding quietly. “Yeah… I was wandering around the north and saw Emily exploring the mountains as she said…”

“Did you see the guy who killed Sam?” Shane glared at the blacksmith.

Clint shook his head. “Body discovery announcement rang out when I was halfway across the north, didn’t see anything…”

“Well, Emily’s innocent,” Haley sighed. “Mainly because Mr. scraggly neckbeard over here is kinda sorta stalking her. I guess that was good for something,”

“I like my beard…” Clint mumbled as he touched the hair on his chin. “A-And I wasn’t-”

“Haley he wasn’t-” Emily let out a guttural sigh. “I probably should have told him to do that all thing considered. Someone watching over all of us would’ve prevented this,”

“Uh… thanks…” Clint mumbled.

“Well, if Clint didn’t see anyone else that means there’s only two culprits,” Maru said.

“Haley or Alex,” I said with a nod. “You’re the only two people who could have done it,”

“Well it’s not me,” Haley rolled her eyes, confident that we believed her.

“Can’t be me either!” Alex yelled. “It’s definitely Haley, she’s way more suspicious than me!”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Haley quirked an eyebrow at the athlete’s sudden yelling. “You’ve been throwing around a lot of bullshit in this trial, if anything it’s you!” She pointed.

“Baseless accusations aren’t gonna get us anywhere,” Penny said. “Please calm down you two,”

“Our lives depend on this, nerdy chick!” Alex said, Penny let out an offended gasp. “It can only be Haley!”

“Well he’s not doing himself any favours…” Abigail mumbled under her breath.

“What even makes Haley more suspicious besides her being the only other option?” Victor shrugged with a frustrated look on his face.

He probably didn’t even think about this, but I should give him the benefit of the doubt…

KILLING GAME FAMILY RULE

“IS THIS IT?”

“Alex, are you talking about that rule that MonoMo established?” I asked.

Alex gave a panicked, rough nod. “Haley’s got no reason to not kill someone, her sister’s gonna be completely fine-”

“You don’t have a reason to not kill someone either, dumbass,” Haley sneered as she spoke. She then stared down Alex with a hateful look in her blue eyes. “That’d only be good evidence if I was already suspicious, besides, I’m not the one babbling and throwing out whatever bullshit my lack of a brain can think of to make someone else look bad…”

“Yeah, Alex. That rule doesn’t make Haley more or less suspicious,” I add, the man lets out a frustrated gasp at what I said. “Besides, we have other topics to discuss,”

“The hell!? Like what!?” Alex shouted.

What aspect of the case have we yet to discuss?

T R A V E L

“IT MAKES SENSE!”

“We haven’t discussed how the culprit got from the north to the farm,” I began. “If we figure that out, we’ll be able to get a new perspective on this whole case,”

“They went through the overgrowth, that’s pretty obvious,” Leah shrugged. “How’s that meant to be relevant?”

“The overgrowth is the only way to get to the farm from the north, yeah,” Abigail nodded, then smiled at me. “Maybe it’s something related to that?”

It is, but… I’m struggling to put my finger on what specifically it is…

“I GOT’CHA CLAIRE!”

Abigail interjected, her eyes glowing brightly as she spoke. “I think I can help you out, Claire!”

“Huh?” I turned my head in confusion at the sudden interjected.

“If we discuss this together, we’ll figure out the culprit soon enough!”

COLLABORATIVE CRAFTING:

CLAIRE & ABIGAIL

GO!!!

“First off, the only way to get to the farm from the northern part of the town is through…”

“The overgrowth between the two areas,”

“THAT’S IT!”

“The only problem with that, is that going through there made it pretty obvious that you’d been there…”

“You’d get scratched up by, or covered in the overgrowth,”

“ALMOST THERE!”

“So, in order to go through there undetected…”

“The murderer would need to use something as cover against the elements,”

“WE’VE GOT AN ANSWER!”

“Claire and I have figured out the last piece of evidence we need to discover the culprit!” Abigail proudly declared as she pointed at me. “Take it away!”

“What!?” Alex shouted.

“Finally…” Haley rolled her eyes.

“It’s nothing that grand, but it should eventually lead us to an answer,” I said as everyone looked at me with bated breath. “The only way between the farm and the north was that patch of overgrowth between the two,”

“We have established that, have we not?” Elliott turned his head curiously.

“Quit telling us stuff we already know!” Alex yelled again, more aggressive this time.

“I’m getting to the new information,” I reminded. “The overgrowth, while traversable would cause you to be covered in overgrowth and thorns,” I explained.

“So the killer went through there…” Penny nodded. “Wait, we never saw anyone with any kind of shrubbery or dirt on them, did we?”

No, we didn’t, but I know that there’s a way to explain that…

NONSTOP DEBATE

“We never saw anyone with shrubbery on them,” Penny affirmed. “At least, as far as I’m aware,”

“Everyone was pretty clean,” Abigail shrugged.

“Maybe their soul rejected the shrubbery?” Emily suggested, only sounding mildly insane.

Haley rolled her eyes. “Don’t go all spiritual on us, Em,”

“Soul bullshit or not, there’s no way they just magically got the grass and shit off of them!” Alex’s voice sounded more and more shouty by the minute. “They wouldn’t have been able to cover themselves with anything, we would have found that!”

SAM’S TORN JACKET

“NO, THAT’S WRONG!”

“The culprit did use something to shield themselves from the shrubbery, and I know exactly what it was too,” I said as I stared down Alex, the man sweating. “They used Sam’s body as a shield against the elements,”

“They d-did that!?” Penny yelped.

“That’s so… eugh,” Maru gagged.

“It makes sense though, his jacket was torn to hell and still covered in leaves,” Sebastian nodded.

Abigail let out a groan. “I thought it was just mess left over from running through the forest, jeez, brutal stuff,”

“It is… depressing to think about, but with it in mind. I think I’ve found a way to discover the

culprit-”

“ME: ONE! YOU: ZERO!”

I am getting really sick of being interrupted. “Alex, what do you want?”

“I wanna show you how damn wrong you are!” Alex shouted accusatorily at me. “The culprit didn’t use Sam’s body as a shield, that’s dumb!”

“It’s the only thing that makes sense,” I rolled my eyes. He’s being dense, guess I gotta prove it to him before I can move on.

REBUTTAL SHOWDOWN

CLAIRE VS ALEX

FIGHT!!!

“Culprit didn’t use Sam’s body as a shield!”

“Such a gross thing to do, anyway!”

“What would even be the point of that!?”

“To… hide the fact that they were walking through the shrubbery?”

“Are you even listening at all?”

“Of course I’m listening!”

“That’s why I know you’re wrong, cause I’ve been paying attention!”

“The reason that Sam’s body couldn’t have been used as a shield…”

“Is cause if it was, there’d be evidence of that at the overgrowth!”

BLUE FABRIC

“I’LL CUT THROUGH YOUR ARGUMENT!”

“There was evidence left behind at the overgrowth!” I argued, getting more frustrated by the minute. “Abigail and I discovered blue fabric stuck to a sharp part of the overgrowth… the same fabric on Sam’s jacket,”

“W-Well, then how did they cover themselves when they were getting back from the farm!?” Alex crossed his arms as he blurted out his statement. “Sam’s body was in the farmhouse, if anything that makes Sebastian look suspicious again!”

“Why would I… go through the overgrowth to drown him… and then go back through it to bring him to the farmhouse?” Sebastian let out a deep sigh. “That’s dumb, even for something you thought up,”

“SH-SHUT UP! ANSWER MY QUESTION!”

…

I know exactly what they’d need to cross the overgrowth without getting covered in green while going back to the north.

COVER

“I GOT IT!”

“Well, they’d need to use something as a cloak, then. Something they could easily throw away without much suspicion,” I said.

Alex suddenly completely froze up, his eyes widened like a deer in headlights.

Everyone paused, we all paused and looked directly at the athlete before I broke the silence with a sigh. “I think I know who the culprit is…”

WHO IS THE CULPRIT?

ALEX

“YOU’RE THE ONLY ONE!”

“Alex, I believe that you’re the only one who could’ve killed Sam,” I declared.

“WH-WHAT!? THE FUCK ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY!?” Alex’s yelling reached an ear piercing volume, and a tone of pure fear as I accused him.

“That does feel right,” Penny looked deep in thought. “But how can we say for sure?”

“Do we really gotta? It’s soo obvious,” Haley rolled her eyes and waved her hand around. “Let’s just vote already,”

“I’m down for that,” Shane said. “Get this over with quick,”

“W-Well, give him a chance to defend himself,” Sophia mumbled half heartedly.

“That’s right,” Victor nodded. “We can’t rush into this, we need to consider every possibility,”

“It does make this a tad more interesting,” Elliott shrugged.

“Not the word I’d use, but alright,” Leah shrugged back.

I gave the panicking Gridball Player a look. “If you have any objections, let us know-”

“OF COURSE I OBJECT!” Alex yelled, completely breaking his stunned, fearful silence. “YOUR WHOLE THEORY IS A BUNCH OF BULLSHIT!”

“You say that, but… you’re not really defending yourself,” Emily said. “If you have any evidence, we’d love to hear it,”

“I DON’T NEED EVIDENCE, ALL YOUR ARGUMENTS ARE JUST A BUNCH OF STUPID THEORIES!”

He’s not listening to reason. I need to wait until he calms down and present him with the last bit of evidence that’ll get him to admit to his crime…

PANIC TALK ACTION

ALEX MULLNER

GO!!!

“IT’S ALL A BUNCH OF BULLSHIT!”

“YOU’RE JUST SHOUTING THEORIES!”

“THERE’S NO SOLID PROOF THAT I WAS EVEN THERE!”

“WHAT ABOUT HALEY? SHE’S STILL SUSPICIOUS!”

“WHY AREN’T WE QUESTIONING HALEY!?

“ANYONE COULD’VE GONE THROUGH THERE!”

“SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!”

“YOU’RE NEVER GONNA PROVE IT!”

“I WANT EVIDENCE, GIVE ME EVIDENCE!”

The man seemed to finally calm down, breathing heavily in and out as he finally thought of a real rebuttal…

“What did the culprit even use to shield themselves!?”

MISSING JACKET

“THIS IS THE END!”

“DAMMIT!” Alex let out a loud, pained shout as I showed off the smoking gun.

“You weren’t wearing your jacket when we discovered Sam’s body, were you Alex?” I said firmly to the man, making him once again freeze in place.

“That’s why it was missing, cause he used it to get away with killing Sam!” Haley nodded slowly as she glared at Alex with an obviously fake smile.

“Is this true, Alex?” Victor asked.

“His silence speaks volumes…” Elliott said with a glare.

“I-I still won’t believe it,” Alex grunted. “I want you to tell the entire story of this murder, one contradiction, and I’m not saying shit!”

“Really?” Shane groaned. “Can we just vote for this clown already?”

“No, I’ll do it,” I said. “If it’s what I need to do to make this easier, then I’ll do it…”

“HERE’S EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED IN THIS CASE!”

ACT 1:

“This whole case starts with Emily’s announcement of us investigating parts of the town for an exit, while most of us intended to follow her instructions…”

“One of us, the culprit planned to use it as an opportunity to commit a murder, I presume long after the event had been planned they sent a letter to their victim of choice, Sam…”

“We don’t know what was in the letter, but it was presumably an invitation to talk at the fountain…”

ACT 2:

“The next day, we all split up into groups and explored different parts of the town, while my group was exploring the farm, Sam decided to split off from us to go to the farmhouse…”

“Looking back on it, this was our last chance to save him, but… there’s no point in dwelling on that…”

“Once Sam reached the farmhouse, he wandered off into the overgrowth to meet up with the culprit at the fountain, not knowing that he had been tricked into participating in his own murder…”

ACT 3:

“At this point, everyone in the north group was split up, meaning that the culprit could do what they wanted to do with no witnesses…”

“They grabbed Sam by the neck, and slammed his chest first into the fountain to drown him…”

“He tried to fight back, creating scratch marks around the fountain, but eventually he succumbed…”

ACT 4:

“They soon carried Sam’s body through the overgrowth between the north and the farm, using it as a shield to avoid drawing suspicion to them, and to ensure that people thought that Sam had died in the farmhouse…”

“The culprit put Sam’s body on the ground, and began to overflow the sink in order to make it look like Sam had drowned there… they also used it to dispose of the torn up remains of the note…”

“But as they were leaving the farm, they realised that they had made a fatal mistake, the culprit had forgotten to have anything to cover them on their way back to the north. Out of options, they ended up having to use and then discard their jacket in order to not end up covered in shrubbery…”

“This mistake was vital in finding the culprit, Alex Mullner. You’re the one who killed our friend, right?”

“That’s everything, are you ready to admit it, Alex?” I glared at the man, who was staring at the floor in fear.

“I-I… yeah, yeah I am…” He mumbled.

“Why!?” Before any of us could question him, Abigail blurted out the question. “Why Sam!? Why do this at all!?”

“I-I had a gridball tournament, my team n-needed me-”

“That’s such a fucking lie, Alex,” Haley’s face bore a sadistic smirk as she spoke, her voice hushed and spiteful.

“Huh?”

“I hate liars,” Haley declared as she pulled a device from behind her back, one of the motive videos, the one labelled “ALEX MULLNER,”

“H-Haley-”

“Shhhhhh!” Haley shushes the entire, shocked courtroom as she started the video.

“Alex Mullner, the greatest gridball prodigy ever seen in the last hundred years!” MonoMo began. “Or at least, that’s what his team thinks!”

“And no one has supported him more than his poor, poor Grandparents,” The creature said sadistically, as two grey haired elderly people appeared on the screen, a sweet old lady with her grey hair in a pretty bun and an old, balding man in a wheelchair.

“Alex, I’m so happy to see you make something of yourself,” The man let out a cough as he spoke.

“We just hope you’ll make it back in time to see us again,” The little old lady said. “We want to see you soon, Alex,”

“Don’t forget about us, Alex,” The old man said with a stern look.

“Alex’s poor grandparents, so old that you probably need to hire a caretaker for them… that’ll be easy as pie once you get out of here though, right?”

We all stared in shock at the smirking photographer, but no one looked more terrified than Alex, tears in the eyes of his frozen, pale face.

“Wh-What the fuck!?” Emily shouted. “How did you even get that!?”

“Stole it,” Haley shrugged at her pissed looking sister. “I had a feeling he’d try something like this, so I took it so he couldn’t lie his face off,”

“Wh-”

“Alright, I’m bored now!” MonoMo shouted. “It is now v-v-voting time!”

A screen lit up at the front of all of our stands, giving us a simple prompt:

VOTE FOR THE KILLER:

ALEX MULLNER

…

DONE!

A large screen slowly lowered from the centre of the circle as we quickly finished voting, showing us a simple graphic:

WHO WAS THE CULPRIT?

ALEX MULLNER: 15/16

“Now then, did you make the right choice, or the dreadfully wrong one!?” MonoMo let out a sick laugh. “Let’s see!”

***WHO IS THE KILLER?***

…

…

|ALEX|ALEX|ALEX|

CORRECT!

“Ding ding ding! You all voted 100% correctamundo!” MonoMo cheered in his sadistic tone. “Even Alex voted for himself, whatever you did must have really convinced him,”

I couldn’t even say anything. I at a loss for words and was too busy between glaring at MonoMo and then at Haley for her little stunt…

“Now for the punishment phase!” MonoMo said with a sick smile… I hadn’t even thought about that in full. There would be an execution for Alex, I had voted to send the man to his death,”

“No, wait!” Alex begged and screamed with tears in his eyes. “I-I PANICKED, PLEASE. I JUST WANTED TO SEE MY GRANDPARENTS BEFORE THEY K-KICKED IT, PLEASE!”

It was a terrifying scene. A once confident, hell, overconfident man begging on his knees for mercy from something we know wouldn’t listen.

“That’s now how it works, kiddo!” The creature warned, then giggled. “Now then, I’ve prepared a very special punishment for the Ultimate Gridball Player, Alex Mullner,”

“NO, NO PLEASE!”

“Let’s give it everything we’ve got, it’s punishment time!”

“NOOOOOOOOO!”

MonoMo ignored the despairful please, and slammed a gavel into a button that appeared before him.

G A M E O V E R

ALEX HAS BEEN FOUND GUILTY

TIME FOR THE PUNISHMENT!

Alex stood back up and stared around the trial room in despair, we all looked back, too busy worrying about what would happen next to focus on even breathing…

A collar soon clamped around his neck, attached to a chain leading to a door on the far side of the trial room… Alex reached his hand out to Haley as it began to move backwards, but Haley ignored him.

Alex was dragged through the door, and down a hallway by his neck, choking him as his lower half slammed against the metal floor.

He eventually found himself dragged into what looked like a grand gridball stadium. Complete with pews filled with clones of MonoMo wearing shirts with Alex’s face proudly emblazoned on them. As Alex landed on the fake grass the collar detached himself, the sun hit him directly in the eyes.

MonoMo, dressed in the uniform of a referee appeared in front of Alex, and soon blew a whistle with one hand…

ACL DISASTER!

Ultimate Gridball Player

Alex Mullner’s Execution: Executed

MonoMo threw a gridball made out of metal at Alex, he caught it easily and dropped it onto the floor. The creature then threw another, Alex caught another.

Another

Another

Another until an audience member tossed one of the metal gridballs at the back of Alex’s knee.

The man let out a scream of pain, we all heard the loud snapping of his ACL tearing. Alex clutched his knee in pain as-

WHAM

Another metal gridball hit him right in the ankle, shattering it to pieces too. Alex looked up in horror at MonoMo, the crowd began to boo at him, all of them throwing the metal at him.

Each one hit him, tore of chunk after chunk of his flesh and eventually bludgeoned him into a bloody pulp…

We all stared on in horror at the execution… nothing we had ever seen before could even compare… and hopefully, we’d never need to see anything like it again…

“Wh-What the fuck just happened!?” Abigail broke the terrified silence between all of us with a scream.

“KYAHHHHHHH!” Sophia also screamed.

“I-I didn’t think, oh Yoba,” Emily prayed to herself.

“Extreme! Extreme!” MonoMo cheered. “Oh, I haven’t done that in too long!”

“Too long?” Elliott looked deep in thought, though no less terrified than the rest of us.

“I-I didn’t think I was voting for that!” Leah shouted.

“The hell is wrong with you!?” Shane shouted at the creature.

MonoMo simply smirked in response. “Oh, don’t give me that. You’re the one who voted for him!”

“W-We would’ve died if we didn’t!” Penny yelped. “You forced us to do that!”

“Maybe he should’ve thought about what he was doing, then,” MonoMo shrugged.

“M-May he rest in peace,” Maru let out a shaky breath as she spoke.

“How’s he gonna rest in peace after that!” Sebastian said.

“I- none of us know that,” Harvey shook his head. “We can only hope…”

“Hard to have that now…” Clint mumbled, his eyes wide and still staring at the now black screen.

Haley was also staring, smug smirk wiped from her face. She looked… almost scared to an extent?

“I-I…” The words kept disappearing in my throat, what was there even to say at this point?

Alex was dead, executed. We had to see his final despairful moments while only being able to watch powerlessly…

I felt my ears ring as MonoMo gave us the instruction to go back to our rooms… with nothing else to say, we all did as told…

I didn’t talk to anyone on my way back to the general store, Abigail and I went to our separate rooms, I collapsed in my bed trying desperately to get the look of fear and despair on Alex’s face out of my head…

YOU FOUND A GIFT:

PRIZED GRIDBALL

END OF CHAPTER 1: CHAMPION OF PELICAN TOWN