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baya-ni · 4 years ago

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SHADOW’s Queer Coding

I first started exploring this idea of Sk8′s implicit queer rep (as in stuff other than explicit same sex intimacy) in this post.

I know we like to joke that Hiromi is the Token Straight of the protag gang, but I argue that he’s as much an example of queer rep as any of our main characters, albeit in a less conventional and fanservicey way.

So that’s what this post is gonna be, an analysis of Hiromi/SHADOW as a queer figure, how his character fits the Jekyll/Hyde archetype as a metaphor for queerness and The Closet, the similarities between SHADOW as a skatesona and early drag, and how his character represents a larger problem of exclusion within queer fandom spaces.

The 1886 Gothic novella The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde by Robert Louis Stevenson is the origin of the phrase “Jekyll and Hyde”. What I’m calling the Jekyll/Hyde archetype, refers to the same thing; it refers to duality, to a character who is “outwardly good but sometimes shockingly evil” (as described from the novella’s wiki page).

And the Jekyll/Hyde dynamic has also long been associated with Queerness. The antagonism between Jekyll and Hyde as two sides of the same person resonates with many people as similar to the experience being in the closet, and many many scholars have written about this queer reading of Jekyll and Hyde. Do a quick google search if you don’t believe me.

Hiromi experiences his own Jekyll/Hyde duality through his SHADOW persona, which seems to entirely contradict with Hiromi’s day to day personality.

Whilst Hiromi is sweet, romantic, and generally very cutesy, SHADOW is mean-spirited, sadistic, described as “the anti-hero of the S community.” And though these two personalities seem entirely at odds, SHADOW doesn’t exist in a vacuum, he’s very much a part of Hiromi. In the show, this manifests as SHADOW’s sabotage moves being all flower themed, as Hiromi works in a flower shop, and how he’ll “step out” of character when playing babysitter to the kids.

Below is passage from an essay titled, “The Homoerotic Architectures of Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde” which reminds me a lot of Hiromi’s character, such that I think his character arc can be read as an allegory for coming out and self acceptance.

The closet, here, is a space not only for secrecy and repression, but also for becoming; it is the space in which queer identities build themselves up from “disused pieces” and attempt to discover the strength needed for presentation to the world. The closet is both a space of profound fear and profound courage—of potentiality and actualization. (Prologue)

Unlike the kid/teen characters, the show’s adult characters all lead double lives. When they aren’t skating, they have day jobs. Kaoru is a calligrapher, Kojiro is a restaurant owner, Ainosuke is a politician/businessman (but tbh his job is just being some rich dude), and Hiromi works in a flower shop.

But of the adult protagonists (so not Ainosuke), Hiromi compartmentalizes the most.

Kojiro leaves his face totally exposed such that he can be recognized both on and off the skate scene. Kaoru at least covers his face, but his trademark pink hair and constant use of Carla doesn’t make it very hard to connect the dots between him and CHERRY. He’s also always with Kojiro in the evenings, so if you don’t recognize him as CHERRY when he’s on his own, you certainly will when you see him interacting with Kojiro/JOE.

Next to these two, Hiromi seems the more adamant at separating his Work from Play.

Even when he’s been clearly found it, he still tries to deny that he and SHADOW are the same person. Miya even uses this to coerce Hiromi into helping him and the boys:

I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that the separation between Hiromi and SHADOW can be interpreted as a metaphor for being in The Closet. As SHADOW, he leads a secret life, one characterized by an tight-knit underground community with a vibrant night scene, where he behaves in ways typically frowned upon by larger society. He worries about being found out and judged by the people close to him.

But in Ep 4, the walls of his Closet begins to come down, or in this case is literally imposed upon by other members of his community, by its younger members, who don’t feel the same need to hide their passion for skateboarding or lead the same kind of double life.

We then see the line between Hiromi and SHADOW begin to blur.

He becomes less of an antagonist, and instead the audience sees him become a mentor and “mother hen” figure for the younger skaters. Later on in Ep 4, we see him casually interacting with the other protags in full SHADOW mode, not as an “anti-hero” but as a friend. In Ep 6, he acts as a babysitter for the kids, and we see him totally comfortable appearing both in an out of his SHADOW persona throughout their vacation.

And I think that this gradual convergence of Hiromi and SHADOW will culminate in this tournament arc.

There’s something more personal that’s driving SHADOW to do well in this tournament. It’s not just for bragging rights or his pride as a skater, but the results of this tournament is going to have some kind of greater impact on Hiromi’s personal life. Personally, my theory is that Hiromi is using this tournament to prove to himself that he’s worthy enough to ask his manager out on a date.

Hiromi is no longer compartmentalizing, his two lives are overlapping and influencing each other. Recall the essay quote I cited earlier:

The closet... is the space in which queer identities build themselves up from “disused pieces” and attempt to discover the strength needed for presentation to the world... of potentiality and actualization.

This is exactly the case for Hiromi. Through skating, he is piecing together the disparate parts of him such that he can present himself to the world as a more unified and confident being.

And the show presents the very skating community that Hiromi has been working so hard to keep separated from his personal life- Reki, Langa, Miya, Kaoru, and Kojiro- as the catalyst for that becoming.

That, my dear readers, is queer coding if I ever saw it.

But there’s probably gonna be people claiming something along the lines of “But SHADOW can’t be queer rep because he’s Straight!” And I assume that’s because he shows romantic interest in his female manager.

First of all, Bisexuality. Also Ace/aro-spec people. And second of all, SHADOW is Hiromi’s drag persona.

And before anyone can say anything about how Hiromi can’t do drag because he’s straight (assumption) and cis (also an assumption) uhhhh no, fuck you.

Drag didn’t start with RuPaul’s Drag Race, that’s just how it got mainstream. And it’s also how it got so gentrified and transphobic. You heard me. But anyway.

Drag is, and has always been, first and foremost about exaggerated, and oftentimes satirical, gender presentation and performance. It’s about playing with gender norms through artistic dress and theater, not so much to do with sexuality or gender identity.

Literally, what’s the difference here?

SHADOW is a persona of exaggerated masculinity with a punk aesthetic. Regardless of his sexuality or gender identity, Hiromi’s gender performance as SHADOW is drag- that makes him queer representation, change my fucking mind.

Queerness is more than same-sex romance, and by extension, good queer representation is not limited to canonized gay ships. The very word Queer, in it’s ambiguity, is meant to encompass the richly unique experiences of everyone within the LGBTQ+ community.

In my opinion, Queer =/= Gay. I mean, they’re colloquially the same yes and even I use them interchangeably. But for the purpose of this post, they’re not the same, and that’s to argue that Hiromi/SHADOW’s lack of acknowledgement as queer rep illustrates a larger issue of exclusion within fandom.

I mean, this is something we all kinda been knew, but in the case of Sk8 specifically, there are a two main reasons why I think Hiromi is rarely acknowledged as queer rep.

1. He’s not shippable with another male character

Fandom favors mlm ships when it comes to what’s considered good queer rep. And the ultimate mark of good queer rep is explicit acts of romance or intimacy between two male characters. Unlike with any of the other characters in the show, we can’t point to Hiromi and automatically clock him as gay, especially because he expresses romantic interest in a woman.

So by default, he’s less popular, because “Ew Straight People” amirite /s.

2. He’s not attractive

This is really interesting, because like JOE, Hiromi is a beefcake.

But fans don’t thirst over him the same way they do over JOE. Granted, the show really plays up JOE’s muscles in a very strip-teasey way that literally encourages viewers to find him attractive. By contrast, Hiromi is pretty much covered head to toe and he paints his face in theatrical makeup- the point is to look scary, not attractive.

In essence, even though Hiromi engages in “queer behavior” through his SHADOW persona, his queerness isn’t palatable.

But I also think there’s some pretty insidious undercurrents of fetishization going on here, of both Asian people AND gay men. Which is... a whole other thing I really don’t have the capacity to unpack completely.

But basically, Hiromi doesn’t fit into any of the popular BL archetypes so he’s less likely to recognized as Queer. Relatedly, he’s also less often subjected to a fetishistic gaze as other characters. I mean...

So again, fans just don’t find him as appealing. Attractive characters are always more popular than ugly ones.

And I’m sure there are a lot of people who just don’t care for Hiromi’s personality, that’s fine, he does act like an asshole sometimes. But this post is meant to illustrate that queer rep takes multiple forms, and unfortunately I think a lot of media just tends to fall back on stereotypical portrayals of queer people for the sake of broader appeal. And by consequence, the fandom’s idea of what constitutes queer rep narrows to same-sex romance, usually between two cis gay men.

With the release of Ep 9, I know a lot of people queer people are going to find representation in the Kojiro’s whole “unrequited love” thing. But personally, I feel more represented by Hiromi, his journey of self-acceptance and subversive relationship with gender- that’s what resonates with me as a trans person.

And I think it’s important to see that kind of less palatable type of queer representation more acknowledged in fandom, and in Sk8′s fandom especially, because I know the demographics of this fandom lean heavily queer.

But that’s all for now, lemme know what you guys think :)

#if there are typos forgive me i'm tired #i've been sitting on this take for a number of weeks now #i rlly hope i'm big braining rn #and not just like #yelling into a void #i love hiromi #yall Sleeping on my mans #hav u seen his leather clad ass???#bodacious #sk8 #sk8 the infinity #sk8 theory #sk8 meta #sk8 spoilers #sk8 shadow

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bup1957 · 4 years ago

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𝙢𝙪𝙨𝙚 𝙥𝙧𝙤𝙛𝙞𝙡𝙚

real name — Kent Mansley. No middle name. single or taken — By default, Kent is single and cycling through a veritably endless array of one night stands and weekend relationships. He is yearning quite acutely for a immutable relationship with emotional vulnerability, and is quite aggressively suppressing his attraction to men and those who have a relationship with gender that cannot be defined by the western binary. abilities or powers — He has no powers to speak of (by default, anyway, this can vary by verse or AU), but his some of abilities are as follows: adept photographer (can capture images well and knows how to set up a darkroom just about anywhere), adept at lying and manifesting more authority than he really posses, incredibly resistant to pain, solid deductive and inductive reasoning skills, effective worker when motivated, has an indepth understanding of mathematics and political science.

eye color — Blue; I oscillate between describing them as ‘electric’ and ‘baby’ blue, because I make the rules and whatever fits the scene works. hair color — Auburn/ginger. I like to imagine it’s on the darker side of red.

family members — His two parents and five brothers. He is not particularly fond of any of them, save his second eldest brother Chuck (Charles Jr.). His deceased maternal grandfather, however, bares the most of his ire.

pets — None currently. Kent will forever mourn the loss of his beagle Lucky.

something they don’t like — Cats, his family, arid environments, Democrats, counter-culture, leftist politics, tomatoes, being disrespected, his job, children, British English, redundancy, admitting he’s wrong, growing facial hair... The list could continue on.

hobbies / activities — Collecting Captain Marvel comics (and other pulp media; this is something Kent is very embarrassed about), pornography (pinups, dirty magazines, films like Teaserama; paradoxically this is something he is less embarrassed about than the comics), mathematics and physics problems (keeps current subscriptions to magazines on the topic, likes to do math for fun like a fuckin’ nerd).

ever hurt anyone before — Absolutely, both physically and emotionally. Kent’s childhood was fraught with violence, the apex of which being an assault on his high school crush and baseball team co-captain (the results of which were a broken arm and leg for the boy; his friends retaliated by breaking Kent’s arm in turn). As he grew older Kent began to learn that having a sharp tongue was often enough to sate his sadistic urges and he continues to be rather cruel effortlessly to this day.

ever killed anyone before — No. But by God does he dream about it.

animals that represent them — Bloodhounds (beagles, basset hounds) and canines of all stripes (especially maned wolves), along with American animal symbols such as the bald eagle.

worst habits — Christ, he has a whole litany of them. He’s a gossip and eavesdropper, he freely steals things because he can, he ignores the needs of others intentionally, he has a tendency to let his emotions run ahead of his logic, he’s needy...

role models — Surprisingly this is something I haven’t really considered much. Perhaps this will get a more concrete answer later, but I think it’d be safe to say that Kent looked up to pulp heroes like the Shadow and Doc Savage, along with like... Whoever was currently president.

sexual orientation — Kent is bisexual, but is completely unaware of this. Not only is he dealing with internalized homophobia but he doesn’t even understand that bisexuality is a legitimate spectrum of attraction. He represses his attraction to men for multiple reasons as a result-- he’s scared of the persecution that comes with being seen as visibly gay, and he’s scared that he will no longer be attracted to women. Outwardly he identifies as straight. This is not a measure to stay in the closet, however: Kent really does think he’s straight. In addition to this, as the understanding of sexuality at the time was based on action (so to speak) and not attraction, a theoretical Kent who accepts his attraction to men wouldn’t even question identifying as straight further because he’s never slept with men. As far as he (and perhaps even gay men of the era) is concerned, as long as he only sleeps with women he is straight, not just functionally but conceptually as well.

thoughts on marriage / kids — Kent wants to get married but does not want to have children. He sees them as tolerable at best and annoying at worst.

style preferences — The mainstream fashion trends for men of whatever era he’s in is what he will prefer... Except perhaps post-mid 1960s, as he’ll default to what’s considered conservative and stick with fashion five, ten, twenty, thirty, forty... ect. years out of date.

someone they love — ...Eeesh. A tricky question. Kent does love his mother and his brother Chuck, but he’d never admit to it. Even mentions of his mother enrage him; with Chuck he’s pleasant but standoffish. It’s possible he even loves the rest of his family (save his grandfather, who he truly does despise), but it would take some real introspection on his part to not only realize this but piece together why.

approach to friendships — Kent is very American insofar as friendships are transactional in his view. He is unlikely to consider spending further time with someone he is not romantically pursuing if he doesn’t think the relationship is benefiting him somehow. This is why, in turn, he has so few true friendships. The man needs a platonic manic pixie dream girl/boy in his life... Or someone he’s forced to spend time with that he eventually comes to like for their own merits.

favourite drink — Alcoholic, brandy or some other dark liquor (but brandy is his drink of choice). Non-alcoholic, lemonade or coffee.

favourite place to spend time at — He loves museums and places of learning! So probably the Smithsonian.

swim in the lake or the ocean — He’d do both, but I think he’d prefer the ocean.

their type — Kent’s answer would probably be someone akin to Marilyn Monroe, someone perceived to be docile and hyperfeminine and sporting a curvaceous figure. But in reality he prefers someone (male, female, or otherwise) who is unafraid to take charge of him and call him out on his bullshit behavior. When it comes to women his real type would be someone akin to Greta Garbo; with men it’s someone akin to Dean McCoppin. In either case, he tends to fall in with those who run contrary to himself. He posits he wants someone to wait on him hand and foot, but what really turns him on is someone who’ll dominate him.

camping or indoors — Indoors. Kent does like to spend some time out in nature, but he doesn’t like camping. I imagine he’s probably done it at least once for work and quickly realized he is not a frontiersman.

tagged by — @constablegoo !! thank you! :D

tagging — @zenithspan, @atcmicbetty. @bcrkin, @kantograndpa, @edgelord-dl6, @courcgecus, @greghirs, @lionfanged, @makubes, @mercyxkilling, @mettatoniic, and anyone else who wants to!

#[dash games]#[headcanons]

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thetwstwildcard · 3 years ago

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🏳️‍🌈 – Does your muse have a gender preference for shipping partners? What is their orientation?

💋 – Is your muse a good kisser? Would they consider themselves one?

For Catrina,Lucien,Sergio, and Aegeus (eeeee srry so many >_<)

🏳️‍🌈 Does your muse have a gender preference for shipping partners? What is their orientation?

Catrina Maravilla

She doesn't have a gender preference. However depending on when it is (for example after her marriage) she is more timid of men. She has dated a woman before and was married to a man. As well as had experience with both outside of these "formal" relationships. Catrina is pansexual.

Lucien Donadieu

He's like Catrina but reversed. He had a bad experience with a much older woman so for a time he was much more romantically distant from women. He has had experience with both, though mainly men. He is bisexual.

Sergio Rodriguez

He hasn't had much dating experience. He's had feelings for both men and women though he tends to be more attracted to men (had crushes on basically all the Maravilla siblings[the twins did not help; 4 boys and 2 girls]). While on the road he's had experience with men and women (nothing formal, just flings) He is bisexual.

Aegeus Hexis

He was married to his childhood sweetheart who was a woman. Since her passing he has not dated anyone as his concern has been on his daughter. He's been flirted with by many different orientations of people and he does not dislike any. He would lean more towards women/feminine presenting but he would date a man/masculine presenting. He is pansexual.

💋 Is your muse a good kisser? Would they consider themselves one?

Catrina Maravilla

She is a good kisser, however she would not consider herself one. She's easy to flustered and will do more pecks and soft kisses than passionate make out sessions.

Lucien Donadieu

He is a good kisser and he knows it. Though he won't outwardly say it. His kisses will leave people weak at the knees (and knowing him if he physically can he'll swept them off their feet).

Sergio Rodriguez

Not a good kisser but he's sincere. He might bump noses or teeth with whoever he's trying to kiss but he does try to convey his feelings. Most of his kisses end with pulling away laughing and smiling.

Aegeus Hexis

Would say he's a terrible kisser but is actually a very good kisser. Like Catrina his affection is much softer, but unlike her his affection is more "towards kids". He'll ruffle hair a lot more than kiss.

#twst oc #twisted wonderland oc #oc #twstoc #twst ocs #twst #catrina maravilla #lucien donadieu #sergio rodriguez #aegeus Hexis #twst staff oc

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obey-me-ocs · 4 years ago

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Oc information

All basic information about my Oc's, will post more later if people are interested. All pictures are from picrews! Ask if you would like the links!

Fang

Sexuality/gender: Agender (Uses all pronouns, mainly he/him), Androsexual

Personality: He's a little shit, often messing around and doesn't take anything very seriously.

Likes: Partying, and being with people.

Dislikes: Paperwork, The celestial realm

Background/General Info: Their a shapeshifter, often shifting into different forms when ever they feel like it. They are an envy white snake demon, and would uses their shape changing abilities to make people feel jealous or make them act on their envy. He was an angel but fell a few years after the brothers did, not agreeing with the celestial realms rules and wanting more freedom.

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Marz

Gender/Sexuality: Demigirl she/they, pansexual

Personality: They can tend to be a bit emotionless, but once they get used to people they warm up quite a bit.

Like: Science, new discoveries

Dislikes: Not understanding something, and feeling like they are failing

Background/General Info: Their a clone made with a mix of science and magic, though the main people working on the project didn't know about the magic. Since a young age they have been able to sense magic, and ended up finding a magic ring. They ran away from the lab and started to be research about magic, before ending up in devildom. They continue to try and scientifically research magic, often to the detriment of themselves.

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Willow

Gender/sexuality: lesbian, cis female she/her

Personality: More closed off, but very creative and over all has a positive attitude.

Likes: styling hair, tattoos, other similar things.

Dislikes: greasy hair, rude people.

Background/general info: She a student at RAD, but has a small business. She's a hairdresser and tattoo artist but since she doesn't own a building, she goes to the customer house to do it

She's a pride demons, and has basic air magic but doesn't uses it often and isn't the best with magic but are a very skilled and fast flier.

She's not really close to any of the demon brothers, but does have a pact with solomon though their pact isn't used often. She does occasionally style his hair when asmodeus can't. She has also occasionally met mammon at his photo shoots when she was hired to do his make-up and hair.

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Aster

Gender/sexuality: demiboy he/them, sex-positive asexual, biromantic

Personality: He's lazy and very easy going, but is a mentor type as well

Likes: watching movies and lazing around, teaching, fighting

Dislikes: loud classes, and the demon king

Background/general info: He's a teacher at RAD, and teaching war history and battle magic. He used to be the best fighter in the demon king's army but hated the conflicts despite enjoying the battles. Once Lord Diavolo took control he was made to be one of the first teacher at RAD and has been teaching ever since.

He always loved teaching, and generally has a laid back attitude about it as well making him a really fun teacher. He has some of the strongest offensive magic, and his demon form has two sets of powerful wings that are covered in old battle scars and rams horns, one of which is broken off

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Reigna

Gender/sexuality: trans women, heterosexual, panromantic

Personality: cold and can seen as rude but never says or done anything outwardly cruel

Likes: themselves, smoking

Dislikes: Other nobles, her brother

Background/general info: She a noble, and a wrath demon. She used to be heir to their family but her brother convinced her parents and he should be instead. She hates that he would even think about doing it, she entered a rage and almost killed him but that just made her parents want to do it more.

She goes to RAD but almost always skips classes. She just an angsty person. Her demon form, had a large pair of butterfly wings and has a horns that wrap around the back of her head. She has strong corruption magic and tends to use it alot when her angry.

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Morry

gender/sexuality: Transgender male he/him, gay

Personality: Very chaotic, but tries to avoid people.

Likes: arcade games like... very seriously plays arcade games, and human comic books.

Dislikes: Being around a lot of people, and people who think men need to be masculine

Background/general info: He's a greed demon, and he doesn't horde money... but he does horde arcade tickets. Like one of those people who have wheel barrels filled with the tickets. He's demon form has horns similar to mammons but smaller, and he has a tail similar to a lizard.

He works at the arcade and attends RAD but mainly online. So not many other students know him, but he can get very worried when some if the student visit the arcade. He's always worried that they'll judge him or something similar

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Esperanza

Nickname: Espie

Gender/sexuality: Non-binary she/her, aromantic, pansexual.

Personality: Overall cheerful, but can tend to go off into rants when they hear even the smallest thing that are interested in.

Likes: sappy romance books, and sex-ed

Dislikes: People attempting to romance them, and just gets slightly annoyed by PDA when its in real life.

Background/general info: She's a student at RAD, and are a lower-level lust demon. she has a love for sappy romance book and the how relationships are shown in them, but doesn't like them in real life She's cheerful and enjoys making new friends, and though she prefer quieter gatherings she do enjoy going to parties. She's is close to asmodeus and Satan but can be a bit intimidated by their power at times. She doesn't have a lot of magical powers, having a pretty weak charm ability which can only really give people a small push to act on what they actual want to do.

Her demon form has small point horns that come out front the top of her head, and a shortish tail. Both are a very light pink.

----------- Miska

gender/sexuality: Intersex, Genderqueer (He/she), bisexual

Likes: Potions, magic objects Dislikes: rude people, and being interrupted

Personality: generally quiet, but is always kind

Backstory: She's a nymph, and was born in the human realm but after an incident where she lost her leg she moved to devildom. Since then he has spent most of the time focusing on research and magic. he makes magical prosthetics, making them special for each person and often giving them interesting designs or making them out of special materials.

She's never been a huge fan of demons, and despite still being kind to them can find their cruel nature very annoying. He has considered adopting a demon child and teaching them how to be kinder. She also has a fear of human since the incident as a child.

#obey me #obey me ocs #obey me shall we date #first post just didn't show up in the tags for some reason-#so reposting it

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rittz · 5 years ago

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thoughts about being trans, idk where else to put them so here u go

it’s not like i don’t have trans guy friends to talk to about this, it’s just usually in the form of jokes or passing comments rather than an actually serious conversation. also, the transmasc people that i’m closest to identify more with the label “nonbinary” than i do-- it’s not like they couldn’t understand or relate to things i’m saying, but i’m just assuming that they probably don’t feel the exact same way i do

anyway, as a trans person we get often asked “so why do you feel like a [gender]?”, and the answer is usually some variation of “i just feel like it”. this is the most accurate but also vaguest possible answer, so i kinda wanted to break down my personal answer to that question?

basically, i identify as a man because i identify with men. in a general and also personal sense. gender stereotypes are something that trans people by necessity both embrace and reject. i relate to gender stereotypes about men more than those of women-- i’m less outwardly emotional, i like being handy, i don’t like kids, i have questionable personal hygiene, etc-- but obviously these things alone don’t make someone a man. however... you can’t deny that there is some general truth about behavioral differences between men and women (bc of society, not biology). men and women both experience different problems in the world, and each have trouble understanding the experiences and problems of the other. generally, i can relate to the experiences and problems of men more than those of women, even if it seems like i shouldn’t (for example, i am not afraid of walking alone at night, even though i am very tiny).

i, from a young age, have had a constant yearning for more male friends. i would occasionally choose to play video games as a male character. i was upset that i couldn’t be in boy scouts. i have been jealous of my younger brothers being treated by my parents the ways i wished i was treated. when i imagined myself older, i pictured myself less like my mom and more like my dad. when i’m around men, i want them to treat me like one of them. i want to be seen as a man.

and i think that’s what being trans really boils down to. wanting to be seen as someone other than how everyone sees you. wanting what you see on the outside to match how you feel on the inside. this obviously extends to nonbinary individuals, who face their own struggle when it comes to presentation. but at the end of the day, i think that presentation is equally important to gender identity as internal feelings. i mean, i think we’re all familiar with the research proving that transitioning makes trans people happier. surgery is an invasive, expensive, painful process that i DON’T think is necessary for every trans person, and HRT isn’t always easy to get. but changing a name, getting a new haircut, dressing differently, binding, etc. counts as transitioning. you don’t have to hate your body to be trans, but wanting to alter it in order to better connect your internal identity with your presentation, i think is necessary in order to consider yourself to be trans.

i will admit i am confused by “GNC trans men” i see on tumblr and insta, who use he/him pronouns but exclusively present femininely. i’m not talking about trans guys who don’t yet pass, i mean trans guys who don’t want to. i don’t harbor any ill will, i’m just confused. if i understand being trans to mean “wanting what you see on the outside to match how you feel on the inside”, you can see how. doesn’t that make you feel dysphoric? don’t you want people who see you to read you as male? how is your life different from when you didn’t identify as male but presented the same way? this isn’t me trying to gatekeep on who’s “trans enough”, and especially when it comes to nonbinary identities it’s arbitrary to harp on presentation like this. but like, what’s going on here?

taking a turn here that will come back around, an extremely key component to why i identify as and with men is my sexuality. i have always idolized, envied, and evoked various queer icons from media and real life. the hunky, grunting, macho, hetero version of “man” never appealed to me the way that the fashionable, artsy, flirty, homo version of “man” did. drag queens, my mom’s hairdresser, glam rock stars, i could go on. associating my more feminine qualities with GAY stereotypes instead of FEMALE stereotypes suddenly made more sense, and made me feel less dysphoric. it’s also something that took me a long time to realize, because i had surrounded myself with queers who were mostly attracted to women. transmascs and butch lesbians historically have a lot in common, but personally, i didn’t relate as much to lesbians as i did to drag queens. in dating and loving men, i developed my understanding of them. but my attraction to men was why it had taken me so long to realize i felt more like a man-- i thought i was just some weird straight girl.

now, am i calling these “GNC gay trans men” with long pink hair and poofy skirts and conventionally attractive bisexual boyfriends “weird straight girls”? ...well, not to their faces. but i have to admit that i’m thinking it. these people would never go to a predominantly-male gay bar, these people would never be harassed on the street. i’m not saying i know someone’s identity better than they do, but i don’t agree with the liberal utopian ideal of “let everyone do whatever they want as long as they aren’t hurting anyone” when taken to mean that we can’t question other people’s choices. “why do you feel like a man?” is a question that, coming from another trans person, isn’t inherently transphobic. it’s not “forcing” someone to “prove” their “transness”, no one “owes” me an explanation of their identity. i’m just confused. i don’t disapprove of the way these people live their lives, i just want to know why.

a straight girl being feminine is different from a gay man being feminine, because it has less to do with personality and more to do with society’s historic view of gay men as closer to female than male because of the loving and fucking men aspect. an AMAB gay man wearing makeup and a crop top probably just wants to look good, but he is also signaling to other men that he’s gay via gender non-conformance. by being AFAB and female-passing, wearing makeup and a crop top is not GNC. in fact it’s pretty GC, and gay men will not recognize you as a gay man.

it’s easy to say “gender is fake so do whatever you want”, but like, we have to acknowledge reality. time is a social construct too, but we still use days of the week when talking to each other. strangers will treat you differently depending on what gender they interpret you as. different people will be willing to date you or not. you have to choose which public bathroom to go in. if being misgendered doesn’t bother these people, then who cares? but if it DOES, which it usually does, wouldn’t you want to take steps to prevent being misgendered in the future? if your desire to present femininely is stronger then your desire to be seen as male, then like... why call yourself a male at all? ultimately nothing these people do will really affect me in any way. it just makes me wonder if these people will eventually go on to present as male, or if they will later ID as nonbinary or even cis. i encourage people trying out different labels and exploring their identity, so it’s not like i think these people SHOULDN’T identify as trans guys. it’s more like, i wish they were able to articulate WHY they identify as trans more than “because i said so”. not wanting to be a woman doesn’t automatically make you a man, it just makes you not a woman.

maybe i’m particularly cynical because of the MULTIPLE times that people with larger online followings who identify and present this way have later turned out to be lying, manipulative people. hopefully it goes without saying that i do NOT think that everyone who identifies and presents this way is a toxic liar. the reason i bring it up is because some people genuinely can’t understand the possibility or purpose of misleadingly claiming a marginalized identity, but it can and does happen. an analogy could be made here about white people claiming indigenous heritage. we all WANT to believe what people say about themselves, and asking for “proof” is a social no-no. but we shouldn’t just... automatically trust everything someone says about themselves, right? and as bad as i WANT to live in a world where gender doesn’t matter and everyone default uses neutral pronouns and there are no divisions in clothing stores and bathrooms, we don’t live in that world (yet). when you are AFAB, /extremely/ femininely presenting, and have little to no plans of transitioning, saying “i am a man” will not make other people see you as one. and if you don’t want to be seen as a man, then maybe you aren’t one.

#lgbt #ftm #long...

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mandarinastronaut · 6 years ago

Text

Homoromantic subtext in ‘The Goldfinch’

The Goldfinch is a novel written by Donna Tartt, published in 2013. It follows the characters Theodore Decker and Boris Pavlikovsky. The relationship between the two is a bit controversial. Literary critics have completely ignored the implications of a romance.

Let’s start with Theo’s toxic masculinity and internalized homophobia. Since the Tumblr user @borispav has already made an excellent analysis regarding the subject, I’m going to quote them.

”…Internalized homophobia is a fear and aversion toward homosexuality that is felt by a member of said sexuality. It’s an inclination toward projection, a way of securing confidence and self-image (two things which are threatened both systematically and socially) by registering one’s own sexual identity as a flaw in other people.

Toxic masculinity (or hegemonic masculinity) is a series of behaviors and traits found in men who have been molded by the ideologies of patriarchy. This mode of thinking presents a set of standards and conventions which men are expected to both adhere to and promote interpersonally.

When it comes to men, the ultimate goal—in both these cases— is to embody the widely advertised image of what is considered to be a ‘normal’ or ‘average’ man. This man is able-bodied and strong (both physically and mentally). This man fulfills the roles expected of his gender. He is ‘masculine’ in that he does not cry nor outwardly express any emotions outside of anger and lust. As a child he is sociable and sporty. He has many friends and does not struggle with fitting in. As a teen he is rowdy and full of life, armed to the teeth with a ‘healthy’ sex drive; the ultimate manifestation of the phrase “boys will be boys”. As an adult he is married and financially stable. He is on his way to achieving the American Dream: a white picket fence, 2.5 kids, and a wife that he feels responsible for protecting. He is straight and always has been.”

”Naturally interwoven amongst the pillars of toxic masculinity sits homophobia and its internalized counterpart. Heterosexuality, after all, is a core part of being a ‘normal’ male. Any other errant attraction is therefore meant to be deftly identified and expunged.

Given the sexual nature several of Theo’s fears toward masculinity take on, I believe it is more than safe to assume that he struggles with accepting and acknowledging his own sexuality (whether it be bisexuality or homosexuality, I don’t have a definite stance) as it is at odds with what has been presented as ‘normal’ male behavior.

Sexuality very nearly serves as an antagonist in this novel. It’s depicted as an emotionally draining entity, a wildness, a physical allure, tangible threat, and elusive dream. Theo is almost always at war with it—a sort of subplot to the story that mainly reveals itself in behavior and attitude, rather than direct dialogue or thought.

Sometimes the terror Theo harbors toward homosexuality (and, at its core, his own sexuality) is visceral enough to manifest itself as a palpable real-life danger. For example, aside from being verbally and emotionally abused by kids at school, Theo is also able to recall an instance where several boys held him down and attempted to sodomize him with a stick of deodorant (615). This memory, like the other, is mentioned in a passing, blasé, way. However, the fact that Theo remembers it at all as an adult—and in enough detail to recall the exact names of his aggressors— speaks to the experience’s traumatic weight.

In a similar vein, we have Theo’s negative re-entry into New York: the two different adult men who were implied child molesters (who cornered Theo and physically chased him down the street) serving as more literal manifestations of his own homophobia (404-409). This is the fear, and false pretense, that gay men are ‘perverts’ or ‘child molesters’ brought to life. It’s Theo’s repressed sexuality taunting and confronting him in a brutal, nightmarish, form; an expected effect of having been taught that a part of his identity is inherently ‘bad’ and unremovable.

This, and the bullying incident, are two prime examples of a fairly common literary technique used in which a character’s strongest fears or desires are made physical, rather than just emotional. Such a device works to symbolize/convey their fervency, demonstrate just how pressing and real they are to the afflicted character.”

A few examples of Theo’s internalized homophobia:

He can’t tell his doormen he’s going to miss them, because he thinks it would sound ”gay”. (238)

He feels uncomfortable in the cab because the driver saw Boris kissing him. (396)

He’s embarrassed to be seen with Popper because the breed is seen as ”feminine ” or “gay”. (402)

He’s distraught when Boris asks if he’s Hobie’s partner. (615)

“As for the internalized homophobia, it’s as ever-present as ever in his adulthood. In fact, I think it actually might even be morepronounced and focused than it was in his youth, when his fears primarily manifested themselves in vague and ambiguous ways. As an adult, his aversion is blunt and easy to identify. He graduates from steering clear of things that might insinuate homosexuality, to steering clear of gay men almost altogether. He’s able to acknowledge that they tend to make him uncomfortable, but in terms of trying to understand or mediate on why this is so, little is done. Instead he deems it suffice to drop in a few cursory sentences here and there whilst on the subject of something else, leaving it at that. No bigger picture is addressed, and no critical issue is implied.

For example, what we get are brief and loaded anecdotes like the following:

“I’d inherited my mother’s light-colored eyes, which short of sunglasses at gallery openings made it pretty much impossible to hide pinned pupils—not that anybody in Hobie’s crowd seemed to notice, except (sometimes) a few of the younger, more with-it gay guys— ‘You’re a bad boy,’ the bodybuilder boyfriend of a client had whispered into my ear at a formal dinner, freaking me out thoroughly. And I dreaded going up to the Accounts department at one of the auction houses because one of the guys there—older, British, an addict himself—was always hitting on me.” (472)

The sheer weariness and disdain with which he views threats to his heterosexuality is palpable here. There’s something almost sinister and deceptive about the way he chooses to portray these scenarios, something nightmarish in the way both men seem to be implicitly taunting him, confronting or incriminating him with the knowledge of a secret he pretends not to know. Both cases are clearly sources of great distress to him, as he feels the need to bring them up in context of something that didn’t exactly need the reference. It’s all fine and good that he mentions the "younger gay guys” noticing his pinned pupils, since the topic of thought was drugs, but then to go off and suddenly engage in the quotation of very specific dialogue (“you’re a bad boy”), and the discussion of very specific fears (being hit on by a guy), suggests that there is some deeper trauma demanding acknowledgment at the root. Theo is bothered by this. He is tormented by this. He uses the word dread (dread!!) to try and convey just how much he does not want to be in the same vicinity as someone who may act upon the assumption that he’s gay. (He wants us to assume that’s only because he’s confidently straight and doesn’t want the attention, but we know, in truth, that it’s because he’s both afraid and enraged at someone knowing and confronting him with such an unbidden part of himself).

Either way, it’s clear that he’s aware of the irrational severity of these fears, otherwise he wouldn’t have brought them up of his own volition or chosen to detail the day-to-day effects of their disproportionally crippling nature (i.e. him now despairing a certain department of his work environment). So yes, at some subconscious level, he knows that this isn’t normal, that he is stunted, emotionally, in some way. However, as I said before, he doesn’t ever think about why this is. He doesn’t try to find the problem, or even allude to there possibly being some small discrepancy in the way he’s always perceived his sexual identity. His aversion toward gay men simply remains a ‘mystery issue’, something of obvious weight that Theo wants us to feel, but not know. (Though, we know what it is anyway.)

And as if all this wasn’t obvious enough, we also get the very particular way in which Boris is framed in reference to Kitsey. He reenters Theo’s life right as Theo’s in a crisis over her, the engagement, and the fact that he’s not in love. And I mean this literally; Theo runs into Boris at St. Marks because he’d been on a walk in efforts to find ease of mind, a refuge from the daunting prospect of upcoming marriage (525). What he does find is Boris. Boris, who then, briefly, assumes the role of a hero— the knight in shining armor who’s come to sweep Theo up and away from the worldly snares of expectation and social-rule. This image is only further enforced when Boris comes billowing into his life again at the engagement party, graciously saving him from what (to Theo) was a downright nightmarish scenario. “Let’s get out of here,” is what Boris implores of him, leading them both to the door excitedly (635). Theo’s immediate response is to recognize that this is what he’s been unknowingly hoping this entire time, that Boris’ plea to run away from the engagement party with him is the “only thing that has made sense” to him all night (635). This is the ever-warring sides of illusion and reality at direct confrontation with each other. Choosing to stay at the party would imply that he has an unwavering loyalty to Kitsey (as in to heterosexuality/convention), while choosing to leave would imply that there are other, more genuine, desires drawing him away to something else at heart (his love for Boris, his lust for that wild edge; life without restraint and rule).

Theo chooses to leave. Or, I should probably say, he has no choice but to leave. When given such an enchanting window of escape, at such a precise moment of emotional distress and internal turmoil, it is impossible to resist. Of course his instinct would be to leave with Boris, even without knowing the details of their destination or circumstance. There’s an innate trust and draw that has been built up inside him from their Vegas years; Boris knows the deepest parts of Theo inside and out, and there are little to no other people in his life that he is tied to like that, little to no people that would provide the same type of relief from social-performance and self-deception as Boris would. On instinct (on instinct) Theo is true to himself for once. He physically runs after the thing he prefers, the thing it is that he actually wants. However, I do emphasize ‘on instinct’ because this is certainly more of a one-time, impulsive, occurrence than it is anything else. In the end it’s still Kitsey who Theo deems worthy of a suicide-note, not Boris. It’s still Kitsey who, despite everything, he continues to remain on the fence about all the way through the end of the novel. So, yes, it’s evident that the instinct (to be honest with himself, to go after what he wants etc.) is there, that—even after all these years—it still remains strong enough to be acknowledged and acted upon. However, the pressures of compulsive heterosexuality and toxic masculinity have not lessened their grip either, and, in the end, they are the ones that win.”

(all of this was from the amazing @borispav ‘s blog, thank you for letting me quote you!)

The story is told in retrospect and therefore is completely dependent on memory. Well memory, as we all know, isn’t very reliable. You forget, remember something incorrectly, manipulate and so forth. It is also sort of implied that Theo’s been using all sorts of substances, from hard drugs to alcohol. On the pages 622-623 we find out that Theo’s a ‘black-out’ drunk (he passes out and forgets things). Boris brings up the painting which baffles Theo since he himself has shown it to Boris but completely forgotten about it. Just the fact that he’s forgotten something so insanely important and significant, makes it more than possible that there are other important things he’s forgotten about. Theo tells us that he’s written the book for his mother, and in the hopes that Pippa would read it one day. This makes him quite biased and sets up an agenda for him, therefore implying that he’s willing to manipulate the story to fit his purposes. And because he’s trying to convince everyone (mostly himself, but also the reader) that he’s in love with Pippa, it wouldn’t make much sense for him to write about the true feelings he has for Boris. Though it’s very clear that he doesn’t actually love her. He even says this on page 570;

”Worse: my love for Pippa was muddied-up below the waterline with my mother, with my mother’s death, with losing my mother and not being able to get her back. All that blind, infantile hunger to save and be saved, to repeat the past and make it different, had somehow attached itself, ravenously, to her. There was an instability in it, a sickness. I was seeing things that weren’t there. I was only one step away from some trailer park loner stalking a girl he’d spotted in the mall. For the truth of it was: Pippa and I saw each other maybe twice a year; we e-mailed and texted, though with no great regularity; when she was in town we loaned each other books and went to the movies; we were friends; nothing more. My hopes for a relationship with her where wholly unreal, whereas my ongoing misery, and frustration, were an all-too-horrible reality. Was groundless, hopeless, unrequited obsession any way to waste the rest of my life?”

Even if you were to interpret it differently (Theo actually being in love with her, or at least being sexually attracted to her) it still doesn’t overrule Theo’s love for Boris (Theo could be bi-, pan-, or polysexual etc.).

Now when talking about Boris’ internalized homophobia, it’s not as severe as Theo’s. He’s a lot more accepting and openminded. On page 314. Boris brings up homosexuality;

”…Old poofter?” he asked. I was taken aback. ”No,” I said swiftly, and then; ”I don’t know.” ”Doesn’t matter,” said Boris, offering me the jar. ”I’ve known some sweet olf poofters.” ”I don’t think he is,” I said uncertainly. Boris shrugged. ”Who cares? if he is good to you? None of us ever find enough kindness in the world, do we?“

It’s very clear that by bringing up homosexuality casually like this, he wants to hear how Theo feels about it. This dialogue also tells us that Boris is a lot more accepting than Theo, who’s shocked and troubled by the idea of Hobie being gay.

Boris doesn’t have trouble expressing his feelings, he often even exaggerates them.

Boris says he’s in love with Kotku even though he doesn’t know her (326)

Boris says that he ”loves” Kotku and that she’s ”the truestthing that has ever happened” to him (328).

Boris says that the 'fight’ he and Kotku had, was ”only out of love”, and that they realized ”how much they loved each other” (360).

Boris tells Theo how he and KT became ”so close” in one night, and how they ”opened up their hearts” for each other (602).

Boris says that Bobo was like a father to him (613).

Boris is telling Theo about his tattoo, and says this; ”…This is for Katya, love of my life. I loved her more than any woman I ever knew.” To which Theo responds with; ”You say that about everybody.” Theo’s comment proves that this is something Boris does all the time.

But with Theo, he can express himself only through action, rather than words. It’s important to bear this in mind whenever interpreting his actions.

Quoting the Tumblr user @queer-deckovskij ;

”…Part II of The Goldfinch Book contains the chapters Badr al-Dine and Wind, Sand and Stars, in which Boris and Theo meet, go on adventures, live a pair of year together, fight, love each other, then say goodbye. These 200 pages are introduced by a quote Donna put right before chapter 5, that comes from the poet Arthur Rimbaud and says,

When we are very strong, - who draws back? very gay*, - who cares for ridicule? When we are very bad, - what would they do with us?

So where do I start? This quote accurately depicts Boris’ and Theo’s friendship in a way that takes my breath away. It contains all the force and stubbornness and courage of the angry youth they represent. She couldn’t have picked a better quote to represent them. But that’s not all. The small poem doesn’t end here - Donna cut the second part of it, which says,

Deck yourself, dance, laugh. I could never throw Love out of the window.

Yes, the poem used to represent Theo and Boris’ relationship is a love poem. I think it’s really important the notion of who Arthur Rimbaud was. He lived in France during the 19th century and while still very young he had a homosexual affair with another poet, named Paul Verlaine; they ran off together and for quite some time they shared a really unhealthy and irregular life, mostly based on drugs and alcohol and dangerous experiences. Les Poètes maudits, yes? They lived in the same house for a few years and ended up splitting up in quite a violent way (Verlaine shot Rimbaud twice). Does this experience remind you of someone? A couple of guys who drank beer and did drugs like it was a packet of chips and a bottle of pepsi? Inserting that quote, Donna Tartt literally compared Theo and Boris to Rimbaud and Verlaine. Which means that, officially, Theo and Boris’s love was not a platonic one.

*I do not know if Donna inserted this translation or a more neutral one, like cheerful or jolly; the original French poem uses the word gai, which literal translates as gay.”

When Boris starts dating Kotku, Theo is forced to think about what his and Boris’ relationship was for the first time. Though, it’s already been implied earlier that Theo might have a crush on Boris.

Subtext of Theo’s attraction toward Boris;

He’s staring at Boris’ stomach (272).

He’s staring at Boris’ neck (284).

He’s staring at Boris who’s wearing nothing but Theo’s underwear (307).

He’s staring at Boris’ shirtless chest (308).

He’s staring at Boris’ lower abdomen (383).

Theo is jealous of Kotku, he’s even depicted as a pissed ‘house-wife’.

Page 327; ”…But what did bother me -a lot- was how Kotku (I’ll continue to call her by the name Boris gave her, since I can’t now remember her real name) had stepped in overnight and virtually assumed ownership of Boris. First he was busy on Friday night. Then it was the whole weekend–not just the night, but the day too. Pretty soon, it was Kotku this and Kotku that, and the next thing I knew, Popper and I were eating dinner and watching movies by ourselves.”

(Theo’s been depicted as a ‘house-wife’ before on page 277.)

Even though he’s feeling jealous and left behind, he still tries to convince himself and the reader that their relationship was nothing but platonic, that he doesn’t really care whether Boris has a girlfriend or not. Still, it isn’t so simple. He can’t find a right word to describe their relationship.

”…But who cared what crappy girl Boris liked? Weren’t we still friends? Best friends? Brothers practically? Then again: there was not exactly a word for Boris and me. Until Kotku came along, I had never thought too much about it.” (333)

If their relationship was really platonic, Boris having a girlfriend wouldn’t affect their “friendship” or “brotherhood” in the slightest.

Theo’s projecting into Boris because of his internalized homophobia. We find out that Theo doesn’t mind Boris showing physical affection, and that he even enjoys it (it’s the only thing that calms him down from his nightly terrors). This is something that he doesn’t want to admit. He’s constantly trying to convince the reader that there aren’t any stronger, possibly romantic, feelings attached. It’s actually quite comedic.

”The funny thing: I’d worried, if anything, that Boris was the one who was a little too affectionate, if affectionate is the right word. The first time he’d turned in bed and draped an arm over my waist, I lay there half-asleep for a moment, not knowing what to do: staring at my old socks on the floor, empty beer bottles, my paperbacked copy of The Red Badge of Courage. At last–embarrassed–I faked a yawn and tried to roll away, but instead he sighed and pulled me closer, with a sleepy, snuggling motion. Shh, Potter, he whispered, into the back of my neck. Is only me. It was weird. Was it weird? It was; and it wasn’t. I’d fallen back to sleep shortly after, lulled by his bitter, beery unwashed smell and his breath easy in my ear. I was aware I couldn’t explain it without making it sound like more than it was. On nights when I woke strangled with fear there he was, catching me when I started up terrified from the bed, pulling me back in the covers beside him, muttering in nonsense Polish, his voice throaty and strange with sleep. We’d drowse off in each other’s arms, listening to music from my iPod (Thelonious Monk, The Velvet Underground, music my mother had liked) and sometimes wake clutching each other like castaways or much younger children.” (335)

In the end, we finally find out that they’ve even been sexually intimate. Since this is something they’ve done regularly, it’s more than safe to say that they’re at least sexually attracted to each other. Still, Theo keeps projecting into Boris, saying that he’s the one ”who might have the wrong idea”.

“…And yet (this was the murky part, this was what bothered me) there had also been other, way more confusing and fucked-up nights, grappling around half-dressed, weak light from the bathroom and everything haloed and unstable without my glasses: hands on each other, rough and fast, kicked-over beers foaming on the carpet–fun and not that big of a deal when it as actually happening, more than worth it for the sharp gasp when my eyes rolled back and I forgot about everything; but when we woke the next morning stomach-down and groaning on opposite sides of the bed it receded into an incoherence of backlit flickers, choppy and poorly lit like some experimental film, theunfamiliar twist of Boris’s features fading from memory already and none of it with any more bearing on our actual lives than a dream. We never spoke of it; it wasn’t quite real; getting ready for school we threw shoes, splashed water at each other, chewed aspirin for our hangovers, laughed and joked around all the way to the bus stop. I knew people would think the wrong thing if they knew, I didn’t want anyone to find out and I knew Boris didn’t either, but all the same he seemed so completely untroubled by it that I was sure it was just a laugh, nothing to take too seriously or get worked up about. And yet, more than once, I had wondered if I should step up my nerve and say something: draw some kind of line, make things clear, just to make absolutely sure he didn’t have the wrong idea. But the moment had never come. Now there was no point in speaking up and being awkward about the whole thing, though I scarcely took comfort in the fact.” (335-336)

Boris feels troubled because his and Theo’s relationship has become so intimate. He’s not sure if Theo feels the same way about him, and that creates a lot of stress and confusion for him. He makes a subconscious decision to resolve the situation by jumping into an impulsive relationship with Kotku (there aren’t any strong feelings attached). The relationship is completely physical, (they’re sexually attracted to each other, that’s it) even though Boris tries to convince Theo it isn’t so. Soon after they start dating, they begin to argue like an old married couple. It even goes so far that Boris punches Kotku (in the face).

Then Theo’s dad dies, and Theo has to leave Vegas in order to avoid his worst nightmare; social workers. Tartt depicts the 'goodbye’ scene quite dramatically, starting it with Boris humming a song by The Velvet Underground called After Hours. The song is about, you guessed it, unwilling goodbyes, love etc. By inserting this song to the very start, Tartt creates the perfect atmosphere for the whole scene, implying that there are strong romantic feelings between the two. They’ve listened to the song together, and so, Boris tries to manipulate Theo into staying by humming it.

”…Boris, I realized, was looking up at the sky and humming to himself, a line from one of my mother’s Velvet Underground songs: but if you close the door… the night could last forever…” (392)

The certainty of the situation starts to sink in on Theo, and he starts expressing his true feelings for the first and last time in the novel, in fact, he’s lost all control over himself. Boris realizes that Theo’s expressing his real feelings (probably predicting a confession) and since Boris has stolen the painting (something Theo’s completely unaware of) he’s accepted that he’s completely ruined any chances of continuing the relationship, (knowing that Theo would hate him after finding out) and just can’t bear to hear any more of what Theo’s saying. So, he interrupts Theo by kissing him on the lips. Now, besides the suggestive placement of the kiss, (not only is it in the goodbye scene but its right before Theo’s confession as well) the way Theo reacts to it makes it very clear that this is unusual behavior, and not something Boris has done before, (Theo wouldn’t have missed a chance to make the whole situation seem as platonic as possible, he would have tried to pull some bullshit like ”oh yeah this is something Boris does all the time lmao doesn’t mean anything”. And they know each other so well that they can communicate without words, so I think it’s safe to say that Theo would’ve known about it if it was usual behavior for Boris.) the kiss is clearly more than platonic, to say the least.

”…Really, you have to come. We can go to Brighton Beach—that’s where all the Russians hang out. Well, I’ve never been there. But the train goes there—it’s the last stop on the line. There’s a big Russian community, restaurants with smoked fish and sturgeon roe. My mother and I always talked about going out there to eat one day, this jeweler she worked with told her all the good places to go, but we never did. It’s supposed to be great. Also, I mean—I have money for school—you can go to my school. No—you totally can. I have a scholarship. Well, I did. But the guy said as long as the money in my fund was used for education—it could be anybody’s education. Not just mine. There’s more than enough for the both of us. Though, I mean, public school, the public schools are good in New York, I know people there, public school’s fine with me.” I was still babbling when Boris said: “Potter.” Before I could answer him he put both hands on my face and kissed me on the mouth. And while I stood blinking—it was over almost before I knew what had happened—he picked up Popper under the forelegs and kissed him too, in midair, smack on the tip of his nose. Then he handed him to me. ”Your car’s over there,” he said, giving him one last ruffle on the head. And—sure enough—when I turned, a town car was creeping up the other side of the street, surveying the addresses. We stood looking at each other—me breathing hard, completely stunned. ”Good luck,” said Boris. ”I won’t forget you.” then he patted Popper on the head. ”Bye, Popchyk. Look after him, will you?” he said to me.” (394-395)

When Theo gets in the cab, he acknowledges his feelings for Boris and confesses his love for him. This is the first and last time he does this (at least according to Theo’s narrative, which as we know, isn’t very reliable).

”Later—in the cab, and afterward—I would replay that moment, and marvel that I’d waved and walked away quite so casually. Why hadn’t I grabbed his arm and begged him one last time to get in the car, come on, fuck it Boris, just like skipping school, we’ll be eating breakfast over cornfields when the sun comes up? I knew him well enough to know that if you asked him the right way, at the right moment, he would do almost anything; and in the very act of turning away I knew he would have run after me and hopped in the car laughing if I’d asked one last time. But I didn’t. And, in truth, it was maybe better that I didn’t—I say that now, though it was something I regretted bitterly for a while. More than anything I was relieved that in my unfamiliar babbling-and-wanting-to-talk state I’d stopped myself from blurting the thing on the edge of my tongue, the thing I’d never said, even though it was something we both knew well enough without me saying it out loud to him in the street—which was, of course, I love you.” (395)

When they run into each other as adults, Theo starts commenting on Boris’ appearance almost immediately. This isn’t something Theo’s done before, his internalized homophobia won’t allow him to. Boris is the only male he depicts this way.

”…There he was, sliding in across from me, slingin the hair from his face in a gesture that brought the past ringing back. “I was just about to leave.” “Sorry.” Same dirty, charming smile. “Had something to do. Didn’t Myriam explain?” “No she didn’t.” “Well. Is not like I work in accounting office. Look,” He said leaning forward, palms on the table, “don’t be mad! Was not expecting to run into you! I came as quick as I could! Ran, practically!” He reached across with cupped hands and slapped me gently on the cheek. “My God! Such a long time it is! Glad to see you! You’re not glad to see me too?” He’d grown up to be good-looking. Even at his gawkiest and most pinched he’d always had a likable shrewdness about him, lively eyes and quick intelligence, but he’d lost that half-starved rawness and everything else had come together the right way.” (596)

Then we find out that Boris has been embittered this whole time because he ruined his and Theo’s relationship (Thinking that Theo holds a grudge for him because of the painting). So, Boris projects onto Theo. He brings up their sexual intimacy, and offends him;

”…why do I feel like you’re trying to change the subject?” ”Not trying to judge! It’s just—we did crazy things back then. Things I think maybe you don’t remember. No, no!” he said quickly, shaking his head, when he saw the look on my face. ”Not that. Although I will say, you are the only boy I have ever been in bed with!” My laugh spluttered out angrily, as if I’d coughed or choked on something. ”With that—” Boris leaned back disdainfully in his chair, pinched his nostrils shut—”pfah. I think it happens at that age sometimes. We were young, and needed girls. I think maybe you thought it was something else. But, no, wait” he said quickly, his expression changing—I’d scraped back my chair to go— ”wait,” he said again, catching my sleeve, “don’t, please, listen to what I’m trying to tell you, you don’t at all remember the night when we were watching Dr. No?” I was getting my coat from the back of my chair…” (622)

Theo is clearly hurt by Boris’ words, even though he doesn’t admit it.

As if all of this wasn’t already obvious enough, Tartt’s sprinkled all sorts of subtext all over the novel;

Theo takes extraordinary notice of the sex books his therapist has. Tartt is already, this early into the book, implying that sexuality might be a theme for Theo. (162)

During Theo’s and Boris’ first conversation, Theo asks Boris to say something in one of the multiple languages Boris speaks and he decides to say something quite suggestive, which is; ”fuck you up the ass”. (265)

Theo’s internalized homophobia is taunting him, he says he feels ”shameful”, ”worthless”, ”tainted” and ”wrong”, and that he doesn’t know the origin for these emotions. (440-441)

Theo thinks about Boris every day and everything reminds him of Boris. (465)

Theo still remembers Boris’ home phone number in Vegas and even uses the last digits of it for the combination padlock that’s securing the painting. (532)

Theo confesses that he has googled Boris in the past. (595)

”You know what I did in college?” I was telling him. ”I took Conversational Russian for a year. Totally because of you. I did really shitty in it, actually. Never got good enough to read it, you know, sit down with Eugene Onegin—you have to read it in Russian, they say, it doesn’t come through in translation. But—I thought of you so much! I used to remember little things you’d say—all sorts of things came back to me—oh, wow, listen, they’re playing 'Comfy in Nautica,’ do you remember that? Panda Bear! I totally forgot that album. Anyway. I wrote a term paper on The Idiot for my Russian Literature class—Russian Literature in translation—I mean, the whole time I was reading it I thought about you, up in my bedroom smoking my dad’s cigarettes. It was so much easier to keep track of the names if I imagined you saying them in my head … actually, it was like I heard the whole book in your voice! Back in Vegas you were reading The Idiot for like six months, remember? In Russian. For a long time it was all you did. Remember how for a long time you couldn’t go downstairs because of Xandra, I had to bring you food, it was like Anne Frank? Anyway, I read it in English, The Idiot, but I wanted to get there too, to that point, you know, where my Russian was good enough. But I never did.” (614-615)

Theo depicts Pippa by referring to Boris. (678)

Tartt has placed a character from one of her earlier novels The secret history, Francis Abernathy, a homosexual man who was forced by circumstance to marry a woman, in Theo’s engagement party as a parallel for him. (710)

”Only what is that thing? Why am I the way I am? Why do I care about all the wrong things, and nothing at all for the right ones? Or, to tip it another way: how can I see so clearly that everything I love or care about is illusion, and yet—for me, anyway—all that’s worth living for lies in that charm? A great sorrow, and one I am only beginning to understand: we don’t get to choose our own hearts. We can’t make ourselves want what’s good for us or what’s good for other people. We don’t get to choose the people we are. Because—isn’t it drilled into us constantly, from childhood on, an unquestioned platitude in the culture—? From Willian Blake to Lady Gaga, from Rousseau to Rumi to Tosca to Mister Rogers, it’s a curiously uniform message, accepted from high to low: when in doubt, what to do? How do we know what’s right for us? Every shrink every career counselor, every Disney princess knows the answer: ”Be yourself.” ”Follow your heart.” Only here’s what I really, really want someone to explain to me. What if one happens to be possessed of a heart that can’t be trusted—? What if the heart, for its own unfathomable reasons, leads one willfully and in a cloud of unspeakable radiance away from health, domesticity, civic responsibility and strong social connections and all the blandly-held common virtues and instead straight toward the bonfire, is it better to turn away? Stop your ears with wax? Ignore all the perverse glory your heart is screaming at you? Set yourself on the course that will lead you dutifully towards the norm, reasonable hours and regular medical check-ups, stable relationships and steady career advancement, the New York Times and brunch on Sunday, all with the promise of being somehow a better person? Or—like Boris—is it better to throw yourself head first and laughing into the holy rage calling your name? It’s not about outward appearances but inward significance. A grandeur in the world, but not of the world, a grandeur that the world doesn’t understand. That first glimpse of pure otherness, in whose presence you bloom out and out and out. A self one does not want. A heart one cannot help.” (852-853). Since the main themes of the novel are authenticity and unauthenticity (good and bad, right and wrong) it makes perfect sense to have sexuality be a subtheme.

Love restricts one’s personal life. Committing to something so uncertain and scary, as serious romantic relationships are, is impossible for Boris due to his traumatic childhood. This (aside from thinking he’s ruined their relatonship) is the reason why he’s stayed out of Theo’s life for all these years.

”…Boris laughed. “And you love her, yes. But not too much.” “Why do you say that?” “Because you are not mad, or wild, or grieving! You are not roaring out to choke her with your own bare hands! Which means your soul is not too mixed up with hers. And that is good. Here is my experience. Stay away from the ones you love too much. Those are the ones who will kill you. What you want to live and be happy in the world is a woman who has her own life and lets you have yours.” (667)

Later, in Amsterdam, during the shootout, Boris physically follows this ideology and his true feelings- he’s ready to die for Theo. Theo confessed his love verbally, this is Boris confessing his love in the way most natural to him, through action;

”…Again Boris moaned, as the guy yanked his hair once more, and from across the car threw me an unmistakable look—which I understood just as plainly as if he’d spoken the words aloud, an urgent and very specific cut of the eyes straight from our shoplifting days: run for it, Potter, go.” (760)

Can a Pulitzer prize-winning author write this blatant subtext accidentally? Is this just another case of cheap queerbaiting? It’s up to you to decide.

———————————————————————————————————–

A look at internalized homophobia and toxic masculinity as presented in the character of Theodore Decker; https://borispav.tumblr.com/post/179768610308/a-look-at-internalized-homophobia-and-toxic

by https://borispav.tumblr.com/

Post on Arthur Rimbaud’s poem; http://queer-deckovskij.tumblr.com/post/171833208225/so-very-important-detail-i-dont-know-if-any-of

by http://queer-deckovskij.tumblr.com/

All page numbers are from my copy of the book, meaning that I’ve changed the ones in the quotations from the original ones to my own.

I received technical writing help from a friend of mine, as I am dyslexic and have trouble expressing myself sometimes, who wants to stay anonymous, thank you anonymous!

#the goldfinch #boreo #theo decker #boris pavlikovsky #donna tartt #theodore decker #tgf #rin's analysis

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ironforgedrp · 6 years ago

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♛ LOREN SERRETT

↳ details; Male, 35. B. 471AC  ↳ status; bisexual, single, no children.  ↳ faceclaim; Chris Evans ↳ hails from; Silverhill, the Westelands  ↳ loyalty; House Lannister

↳ position & title; Master of Coin on the iron thrones council, Lord of Silverhill ↳ religion; Faith of the Seven  ↳ spoken languages; Common Tongue   ↳ reason for being in sunspear; He is in Sunspear to attend the summit, and assist the King and Queen wherever he can as both their Master of Coin, and as a loyal lord.

♛ PERSONALITY

↳ type; ESTJ-A   ↳ alignment; Neutral Evil  ↳ star sign; Aries ↳ positives; Confident, Determined, Optimistic, & courageous ↳ negatives; Impatient, short tempered, arrogant, & materialistic

♛ BIOGRAPHY

↳ family lineage.

Loren Serrett is the second son and third child to the Old Peacock. Loren’s oldest sibling is his father’s first born, and heir, a son that the Old Peacock is oft very proud of, next his older sister who was the embodiment of beauty and grace, and everything a lady of the court should be, and then finally Loren, the youngest, and his mother’s favorite. It was because he was the youngest and had the least amount of expectations thrusted on him that he was often far more spoiled than his siblings. Loren found that he always got what he wanted, especially if he went to his mother for it. Though throughout his childhood he wasn’t just spoiled, but he also was taught how to ride a horse, to joust, how to use a sword, and a bow and arrow. He wasn’t just trained in physical arts, but also to read and write and manage accounts. It was his parent’s plan to turn him into one of the most well rounded young lords of Westeros. Their plan was to marry him into either the family of their liege lords, the Lannisters or the Royal Family. Loren and his brother did not bond though despite their parents efforts. It was because of their very different upbringings. Loren had it far easier than his brother. Loren was being molded to help the family in their efforts to climb the social ladder, and his older brother was molded to become the lord that the house would need once their father passed on. Loren’s relationship growing up with his sister faired better than the one with his brother, they were closer in age and were able to spend more time together because of that. Often the two of them would find themselves exploring the castle and the surrounding areas of Silverhill. As for his relationship with his father, Loren didn’t really have one not really seeing him beyond official matters, as he was either busy managing the lands, with his older brother, or away at Casterly Rock treating with the Lannisters. His parental figure came in the form of these quick snippets of time with his father, and for a few years he tried to do what he could do to get attention from his father, though this was of little success. The relationship he has with his mother however is very special, considering he was her favorite she had time for Loren whenever he would seek it from her. Often sitting with him when he would attend to his studies of reading and writing and managing accounts. Though if they weren’t doing that she would often walk with him in the gardens or listen to what he had gotten into that day. Beyond that, their mother often got Loren whatever he wanted, be it new clothes, or a sword, or horse, this of course lead to the young lordling to become spoiled and expect to get what he wanted, and the staff of the house and the keep knew that if they didn’t get him what he wanted his mother would hear of it. Much like he was jealous of his older brother for the attention he got from their father, Loren’s siblings were both envious of how much time and attention their youngest brother got from their mother. As Loren and his siblings get older they drew further apart, though his brother was in the case of relationship, and his sister in terms of distance. His brother married a lady of house Lefford, and they had three children together, his sister married the heir of House Celitgar and together they have had a son. Loren has still yet to get married despite there being several options brought before his father. As their father has gotten older though he has cared less about the day to day affairs of the household, and instead focuses more on courting relationships and so has been at the Rock or the Red Keep much more frequently. This lead to more tension between the Serrett brothers, because Loren saw his brother as overbearing and tiresome, while his brother saw Loren as lazy, ungrateful, and a non contributor to the family. Their mother still always took Loren’s side, which only deepened the resentment of the two brother’s for the other, as his brother saw it as their mother protecting the spoiled baby, and Loren saw it as his brother being disrespectful to their mother’s wishes. Eventually though, through his connections that he had built over the years, and because of Loren’s own abilities and connections he had built, Lord Serrett managed to secure an appointment to the Small Council as Master of Coin, a position which Loren has now served in for a few months now. He finds the work interesting, and the position rewarding as it brings him more personal prestige, has brought him closer to his sister, and allows for him to feel like he has a higher position than his brother after all these years. Something Loren has sought to feel almost all of his life now.

↳ personality.

Loren is proud, but charismatic. He believes that there is a reason people are born to their station in life, and that he is above those who are beneath him in society. He is a firm believer in the divine right of kings, and that some people are just naturally superior to others simply because of their birth.

Loren whenever dealing with people he either respects or who has a higher social standing will always act his best in terms of trying to appear chivalrous. This is him trying to gain more connections that can help advance him in life and in his own standing within Westeros. Beneath the outwardly appearance of being a gentleman, Loren is arrogant, and vain and has a desire to always try and climb the social ladder, or have some way of one upping other lords and ladies of Westeros.

For quite sometime now in this desire of always being above others, Loren has realized he has an attraction to both men and women. This stems not out of an emotional attraction for both, but rather a desire to know that he can get whatever, or whoever he wants. While physical attractions come easily to Loren, emotions are not something he understands very well, and he can find it difficult to bond with others on an emotional level. Finally, despite being good with numbers Loren is a big spender, and he always wants to look his best, and own the best things one can own. He is flashy, and he likes it when people know he has money, and the know his status within the kingdom. However, when it comes to the finances of the kingdom Loren takes his job very seriously and does all he can to help the royal treasury save gold.

↳ the splitting of the kingdoms.

Loren is in Sunspear to help serve the King, to run through the financial risks of trade deals that could be made. As Master of Coin it is after all his duty to oversee the economy of the Crown, and to make sure that all matters within the financial realm are to the Crown’s interests. It is his desire to serve Arryk in this perilous time as best as he can in his capacity as Master of Coin. Of course, it is in his desire to see the Iron Throne get the best possible outcomes from these talks, and from the treaties and negotiations that will come from them.

♛ STATUS: TAKEN.

#devin.#taken.#chris evans fc #Taken Male.#house serrett.#westerlands.

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scully-eats-sushi · 6 years ago

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I’m pretty sure that the winter of 2018-2019 will, I think, go down as the biggest period of personal change for me, and for my family, since perhaps I had my first baby way back in 2001.

I spent much of 2017 and 2018 in a pretty severe depression. After my second or third anxiety attack (possibly becoming panic attacks), I was finally ready to overcome the fear of getting help. The anxiety I felt at the idea of calling and getting an appointment for help was overwhelmed by the full-time anxiety I felt in my status quo depressive situation. I got some very good advice, and I finally made a call in the summer of 2018. I went on antidepressants. Two or three weeks later, I felt human again, for the first time in maybe close to two years.

Simultaneously, throughout 2018, I was questioning my sexuality. I had never consciously considered that I might be anything but straight. But all of a sudden, I was having fantasies about women, faceless and nameless, but most definitely women and not men. At some point, gradually over time rather than in a lightning-bolt manner, I came to the conclusion that it wasn’t curiosity, that I was genuinely bisexual.

I thought I had hinted to my husband, @mistersushiman, that I was bi. Apparently I didn’t do a good enough job of it, because when I accidentally-sort-of-on-purpose came out to him in the middle of sex one night in the fall, I thought I was just confirming in words something that he already knew. I apparently floored him, and we had a very tense, emotional couple of days. I hoped he would be accepting, and I assumed that that would be the end of it. I would have to live with the situation, loving my husband, feeling very, very lucky in a good relationship, but never experiencing that other side of myself. I was okay with that, in theory. It didn’t make me entirely happy, but I didn’t see another choice. What did I have to complain about? Nothing. I didn’t want to lose my marriage. I love him, very much.

But Mr. Sushi had a friend, R, an older gay man, who told us to test it out. For many decades, he’s known many gay and bisexual individuals and couples. Maybe I was just bi-curious, and we could figure that out and then put it behind us. We went out to burlesque. Mr. Sushi told me later that the moment he saw me watching the dancers there, he knew I wasn’t just curious. A mere week or so later, we went to a strip club. I got over my fears and started talking to strippers. Of all people, who I, as an outwardly religious woman, would never ever have expected to become friends with, some of them did become our friends. That was late December 2018 through January 2019 and into February.

It became a thing for us to do once or twice a week: go to a burlesque show or go to the strip club or to the LGBTQ-friendly bar, have a drink, hang out. We got to know a number of different dancers by name, and we learned their stories. Some of them surprised me. A couple of them have become friends. I had coffee with A, and I will do so again. She is supportive, a good sounding board, and she gives me good advice. There is some sort of attraction there, but we are just friends at this point. Another couple of dancers actually prefer Mr. Sushi to me, but they like me as well. One of them texts me every so often. Last time she sent me a picture of her dogs. They’re cute.

When we go, we sit, have a drink, and chat with one or two of them for a long time. They will often have deep conversations with us about whatever personal things (for them or for us) instead of wandering the club, looking for clients who want to buy lap dances. We have become good enough friends with a few of them that they willingly forego potentially making additional money to talk to us. It’s that kind of a strange relationship. It’s a strange life. Four months ago, I never ever could have imagined where I am now.

Back to the story of how things have dramatically changed, from the theoretical to the actual. When Mr. Sushi realized that it wasn’t just a curiosity or a minor emotional attraction, we considered R’s advice more carefully. R felt that eventually, the pressure would be too much for me, and our marriage would fail, in one way or another. He had presented another option: we have rules, and we find someone. A “third”, who must herself be single, so we don’t affect any other marriages or relationships. The rules we came to adopt mean that we have no intention of having parallel relationships. We do not shame each other. And we treat anyone we’re in a relationship with as equally (to ourselves) as possible.

We met someone. Ostensibly we called ourselves “friends with benefits”. She’s really become a girlfriend, although it’s not (yet) a long-term commitment. We don’t see her all that often. However, both of us chat with her regularly. The relationship is supportive and mutually beneficial. She likes us, and we like her a lot. Suffice it to say, it was a big shift, but after the fact, it sort of just felt normal, in a weird way. Mr. Sushi has nicknamed her “Cuddlebug”.

I want to be clear, though: our solution is not for everyone. I’m not going out and recommending it to people. Bisexual does not equal polyamorous. It does not necessarily lead to our situation, or some sort of non-monogamous relationship. It just means that our situation seems to fit for us. Having said that, I have chatted with a few other people about it, in an almost universally supportive manner. I know and understand that some people do not approve, either for reasons of it feeling morally wrong or because they fear that it feeds a stereotype. I myself would not have approved if I had thought about it just a few months ago. But I will keep telling myself that I’m still valid, as much as any other person, straight, gay, bisexual, or pan.

Anyway, the other thing is, Mr. Sushi and I have been talking off and on about what and when to tell our children. He told our second oldest child, who is 15, first, about my being bisexual. I could have done it, but Mr. Sushi thought it would be better father-to-son. And he was completely accepting of it. In fact, our son seems to have realized, much like his father, that he himself tends to be mostly attracted to bisexual girls. (Have I mentioned that Mr. Sushi has apparently only ever dated bisexual women? Not intentionally, but he has a type. Yeah, it’s true.)

Mr. Sushi’s mother died on Saturday. We had the funeral on Sunday. Over 100 people attended. He is sitting for the traditional week of mourning afterward, with family members, most of whom have left town and gone home early. He’s discovering that he has less and less in common with his siblings. His father is not doing well, but Mr. Sushi doesn’t have any real way to help him, with all the long-held anger and resentment (from his father, not from Mr. Sushi). It’s a long story. It’s amazing how family members see the family history with such very different memories. I will take Mr. Sushi over his siblings any day of the week. He is a much more kind-hearted, empathetic person than any of them.

And then just last night, Mr. Sushi told our oldest son, who is 17 and more moderately (versus mildly) affected on the autism spectrum than most of his siblings, that I am bi. In turn, our son surprised my husband (and later me, when I heard), by telling him that he thought he was gay or bisexual. What a surprise! And yet, I feel emotionally more capable of dealing with this now, much more so than a couple of years ago, when I might have been much more concerned about how this would be so hard on him, given that he already had to deal with having no friends and anxiety and autism spectrum issues. Not only that, but Mr. Sushi hinted that we had a “friend”, and our son only wanted to know that I wasn’t cheating on him with her. Once he found out that I wasn’t, he was, shockingly, accepting of the fact that we are poly. As was, apparently, our 15-year-old, who also learned of it last night. I guess there is something to be said for being non-neurotypical, where the “standard society norms” just don’t seem to apply.

We haven’t yet told the youngest three kids yet. That will come as it comes, I suppose. But I will probably tell them I’m bi, at least, pretty soon. The added complication is that our youngest two, our daughters, are in a religious school. It’s not going to be shared in the overall community, even though we have been moving away from it gradually and then rather quickly. But they have been very accepting of the girl and boy twins in the scout troop who have two mommies, and of the drag queens that they saw on “Skin Wars”. It’s nothing to hate over. It just is.

So. Major changes. This is now my life. It is a strange, surreal life, but somehow still normal, and much happier than six or twelve months ago. We have to keep talking, always talking, to avoid misunderstandings and pitfalls as much as possible. As much as it seems strange, our marriage is now more open and honest than it’s ever been.

#personal #update #this vulnerability is painful #please be kind #I'm willing to chat if respectful thanks

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dylanobrienisbatman · 7 years ago

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oh sorry, i forgot that the only way to be considered bisexual is to have dated both men and women. I didn’t even think about the fact that outward and vocal comments about being attracted to both men and women was just a ‘punchline’ or a ‘joke’, or not real enough. Silly me for not knowing that you can only really be bi if you have had a same sex partner now or in the past. Silly me. Silly me for thinking that a female character who is always outwardly expressing how ‘hot’ she thinks everyone is expressing that thought the same towards men and women is a confirmed bisexual character and that who she ends up dating doesn’t matter because she’s bi no matter what. I apologise, I didn’t realise that if a bi character who dated a women once dates a man next their sexuality isn’t ‘representative’ enough of the lgBt community anymore. I forgot that if a bisexual character realises their sexuality later in life, that really means they were gay all along and just needed to see it. I totally forgot that the only part of bi characters that is important is us getting to see them kiss someone of the same sex, because if not, it’s not really representation. I totally didn’t even think about the fact that being with someone of the opposite sex invalidates the sexuality of a character who actively expresses interest in all genders, because they’re ‘straight’. My bad. Whoops.

#im upset.#this is me being salty sorry not sorry #bisexual #don't mind me im in a pissy mood i've seen a few too many posts today that got me riled up #this is about a LOT of different characters and fandom responses to those same characters

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mikayla-jays-world-blog · 6 years ago

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Mikayla Jay's World...

Welcome one and all.

Hey friends....I thought it's about time for me to really introduce myself to all of you. I started this little blog about 6 weeks ago, and the first thing I should say is that I'm...well...*ahem... getting older. (I'm 45). As such, I'm a bit of a late-comer to social media. If truth be told, this is my first and only blog and platform that I have ever used. Ever. I don't use Facebook, I'm not a YouTuber or on Twitter or Twatter or Chatsnap or whatever else is typically used by y'all. This isn't about monetization for me. I needed a place to be creative, to vent, to learn, to grow...and most importantly...I wanted to find others in hopes of developing some sort of support network for myself. You see, in addition to being old (er), I'm also a proud MTF Transgender WOMAN. I am also bi-sexual, with a ravenous sexual appetite for both men and women - and each for their own unique reasons and dynamics. I have been an artist for mist if my life and career, having spent over 15 years professionally as a tattoo artist (I was attracted to Tumbler initially because of the graphic friendly, pro-art/artist philosophy...and the porn lol- at least until they took that away 🙄). I got burned out professionally about 18 months ago, and really wanted to follow a dream that has been sitting in the back of my head for years and years... I wanted to pursue writing. I've always believed that you do what you love, AND THEN you find a way to get paid doing it. But really, it's not about making money for me. It's about living my life on my terms, loving the person I continue evolving into, standing in my own truths, living authentically and being happy....truly happy with the life I want to live. And while I'm on the topic, I wasn't always interested in that. Living, I mean. The Cole's Notes version of my past is certainly colorful, but also full of pain and some tragedy- like many of us.

I grew up in a chaotic household, with parents that fought constantly and ultimately divorced. That was tough on me because I was close to my mom, and not so much to my father. Mom was a Nurse, Dad a University Professor. You see, I knew I was different from an early age. Thing is, my Mom knew too. She caught me wearing her makeup (because I would smush her lipsticks not understanding proper application techniques, and she got tired of me destroying them on her lol). So my Mom decided to show me how to apply makeup properly. She knew I liked lingerie, dresses, heels etc. I believe she also knew that I was not straight at the very least- certainly as I entered my teens and became a horny kid, it became obvious- to her. My father had his face in a textbook my entire childhood, and so was oblivious to his oldest son's (me) true personality. As such, I became very close to Mom. She was my best friend.

When I was 13, my parents divorced. My Mom needed a fresh start and my father made way more money, so we (me and younger brother) were forced to live with him. We moved to Maritime Canada- Prince Edward Island to be specific, as my father accepted a job in Charlottetown. My Mom moved to the North West Territories, and took a job as an Emergency Medical Flight Nurse working thru a small Native reserve hospital in Fort Simpson NWT. I was heart broken at being away from her suddenly, and bitter at the whole situation. Then my life really turned upside down.

My Mom, the best friend I ever had, loved her new life. She was finally really happy, and at peace with herself. She spent a very. fullfilling year up North. Then, just before X-Mas 1988, my world fell apart. My mom was on an emergency medical flight, and without me reliving painfull details, the plane she was flying in- 3 miles from the airport on the return leg, flew into a mountain. The plane exploded on impact, and my Mom was killed. That day, a big piece of my heart died.

I'm 14 yrs old. My mom, my best friend, my confidant and only person I trusted and supported who I was, was taken from me. The impact it had on me was simple. I was broken inside. I was in a new city and province, had no friends, was confused, alone....and broken.

The way I dealt with the pain and grief was to bury it by inside me. I became introverted, isolated, depressed, and scared. I was also trying to fit in where I didn't belong. Those of you that have never experienced small town maritime Canada, it's like Deliverence. Only worse. I had to adapt to my surroundings. The local customs and beliefs were not open, accepting or pro LGBTQ. The one thing I had going for me (at least then) was that I was coordinated and active. I could play sports. And I was a big kid. I believed my only option to fit in was to pretend I was like "everyone else". I learned to bury not just my pain, but everything that made me who I was. My sexuality. My needs and longings to feel feminine. To dress up and wear makeup. The happiest side of my personality was intimately linked to my feeling that I was born in the wrong body. I became sport-o. A jock. I blocked out and buried that part of me. And began living a life of lies. I became a "mans man".

Fast forward. I got big. I got angry. I hated myself and the world. I got involved in football and rugby and started amateur boxing. I became more confused as time went on. And more angry. Eventually after University, I moved out West. To British Columbia. Vancouver. Part of me wanted to get as far away from my father, Atlantic Canada, and my past. Part of me was aware of the progressive open gay community out there.

I ended up taking a job as a bouncer in a fairly violent biker bar. I immersed myself in that world, all the while walking a razors edge where I was "Iron Mike" on the outside, a tough SOB and all around bastard of a person. My confusion and anger over time grew into overwhelming dysphoria. I hated my body. I hated the way I looked. I battled those feeling by way overcompensating and going to the extreme other end of the gender scale. I became hyper masculine outwardly, and satisfied my inner desires on the sly, behind everyone's back. I engaged in many dangerous and stupid behaviors. I became a drug addict. And that culminated in 3 suicide attempts. I wanted to die.

That part of my life is a story for another time. But I will fast forward, for the sake of my sanity and yours. I was lucky enough to find an addictions doctor and a mental health councillor who helped me turn my life around. I began with grief Councilling for dealing with my mother's death. As I learned to trust the two women at that clinic, I came clean. With everything. My sexuality. My gender identity. I opened up about my risky sexual behavior (days and weeks suppressing and burying who I was inevitably would boil over and I would "blow off steam in the extreme let's just say.) Cyclical, drug fuelled gay sex parties were like a medicinal, almost spiritual healing event, just in a backwards twisted sort of way. My depression, dysphoria and anxiety would go up and down with my moods. I needed to change. And the more I worked on accepting myself, and battling the debilitating shame of feeling like a closet freak, the more I realized how wrong I had always been. How confused, disillusioned and unhappy I always was. I learned, slowly and not without setbacks, that I was not the pariah I feared I would become. I wasn't a freak. And I didn't have to continue to be......broken.

Over the past 10 years, I have grown and evolved. I began by accepting that I was gender fluid, and embracing it. My lifelong habit of crossdressing became something I refused to bury, and I stopped being ashamed of it. I consider myself mostly bisexual....with a definitive preferrence towards gay men and gay sex. I enjoy sleeping with women as well, but I really find it is a different type of sex, and my attraction to women is more about the intimacy. I emotionally 'make love' to women, whereas I like a good n' nasty fuck with a man...call me old-fashioned LMAO.

I also evolved in my gender identity, my knowledge and experience growing alongside my courage, and the belief in who I really am. I have grown to embrace the woman I've been evolving into. The amount of time I spent dressed up and living as a female grew more and more. I learned to truly accept myself, and the word Transgender. The philosophy, lifestyle, choices, mental impact and ultimately the strength and happiness that I've found by embracing that I AM A PROUD AND HAPPY MTF TRANSGENDER WOMAN has absolutely changed and saved my life. As such, I went through Gender Councilling, and went through the long and arduous waiting list/period to see a gender specialist doctor. I am so excited to say that I finally began by hormone therapy treatment about 6 weeks ago.

Which brings me to where we are now. I have just begun the next phase of my life. I am so happy and thankful to have survived and come through on the other side. Part of that journey has been learning to love myself. Respect myself. Believe in myself. I am so grateful to the small support group of doctor's and mental health workers who helped me learn to live my life as it was always meant to have been lived. And the other part is making sure that I can pay that gratitude forward, by helping other Transgender people live their authentic wonderful lives. That's a big reason why I started my blog. Mikayla Jay's World is a reflection of who I am. It is a place where I can thrive, meet others like myself, actually BE myself, and continue to grow....creatively, spiritually, emotionally, and mentally. It is a world where you won't be judged, and you will always find a supportive girl to lean on and become friends with. We are on the cusp of great societal changes. We have the ability to help each other through the difficulties still to come, and all be stronger, better people for it. Welcome to the world I live in. Welcome to a place I love. A safe place to be who you are...inside and out....and a place where we can all laugh, cry, be shocked, be turned on, be motivated, be creative, be unique, and be loved. Your always welcome in Mikayla Jay's World. Thanks y'all.

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emathevampire · 8 years ago

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The complete portrait of Team Chaotic Good! Not to be confused with "The Good Guys," which is the band name of a company of wholly evil individuals. These are some of my favourite characters, extensive details about each of them and their party dynamic under the cut!

Kíhyué: Chaotic Good, Level 20, Male Kamatian, Asexual/Aromantic. He’s a long and lanky nerd at 175lbs, 6ft3in tall, missing his right eye and ear and heavily scarred, who fights with a style that utilizes brains over brawn to deadly effect. By far the most interesting thing about him is sword, an incredibly powerful artifact he crafted himself that contains a portion of his soul. He’s the party blacksmith and artisan, and can craft almost anything if given enough time. The second oldest member of the group at 3,370 mortal years old (or 67 by Kamatian count), he is the accidental dad of this ragtag bunch of misfits. He collected them over his many years, or rather they collected him, and no matter what he does he can’t seem to get rid of all these obnoxious children. Not that he wants to, of course. He’ll never admit it, but he hasn’t aged well and needs their help, and he cares about them too much to just let them charge off after monsters on their own. He’s seen some serious shit in his lifetime, was abused as a child, and suffers from severe PTSD and other trauma-related issues, and hopes that by adventuring with these foolish children he can protect them and prevent them from experiencing the same horrors he has.

Éomer: Chaotic Good, Level 18. A half-celestial gryphon rescued by Kíhyué as a newborn, he has been Kíhyué’s constant companion for over two millennia. They are absolutely inseparable, and it is largely thanks to Éomer’s support that Kíhyué keeps his PTSD under control. He has a fantastic sense of humour and a soothing personality, a surprising amount of wisdom, and is the light heart and calming influence of the group. Though he cannot speak, he has a telepathic and empathic bond with Kíhyué and, to a limited extent, he can use his telepathic abilities to communicate with others as well.

Arekos Aidoneus: Lawful Neutral, Level 16, Male Kamatian, Bisexual/Greyromantic with a preference for men. 1,237 years old by mortal standards, though by Kamatian count he is only 24. At 5ft3in tall and 112lbs, he is soft and kind from a distance but up close his presence feels intimidating despite his small stature. A powerful necromancer who follows the strict teachings of his deity, he is best described as “Lawful Nice” and would be Exalted if not for his dark powers. He uses his gifts for good, negating each evil spell with double the good, taking mastery over negative energy and turning it into healing for the living, and using nonlethal means to incapacitate his foes when he can. He only reanimates corpses whose owners have consented to being used, and goes to extreme measures to ensure that he helps more than he harms. In addition to being an accomplished mage, he is also an excellent cook and bakes pies when stressed (he’s always baking). Dedicated his life to the study of dragons, which are extinct in his world, and once had a host of fossilized dragon skeletons and dozens of apprentices at his disposal. But his museum, “Draconic Park,” was dissolved into chaos and destroyed by the machinations of the Goddess of Strife, so he and the team are scouring the universe for the servant of evil who stole his Rod of Undead Mastery and the only zombie dragon ever created.

Faendys: Neutral Good, Level 14, Intersex Arctic Elf (they/she), Tentatively Panromantic but still questioning. Still only about 19 by elven standards at 115 years old, they are the cinnamon roll baby of the group despite not technically being the youngest. They’re also the shortest member, at 4ft9in, weighing 130lbs, but it is unwise to underestimate them: they are a formidable opponent in melee, fast enough on their feet to disappear entirely at times, delivering furious flurries of blows infused with shadow and light. Innocent, introverted, infinitely kind and patient, and cheerful, simultaneously full of childlike wonder and immortal wisdom. Often unsettlingly intuitive, in a cryptic sort of way that gives Xadrea terrible anxiety. They are Inimicia’s ward and a member of the most elite circle of the Assassin’s Guild, and as such is only sometimes present. They’re a big fan of physical contact and hugs, though the only members of the group willing to share it are Arekos, Anaziah, and Éomer, as the others don’t like to be touched. Faendys has a massive crush on Anaziah, and is responsible for eating most of Arekos’ stress-baked goods.

Anaziah the Kind: Chaotic Good, Level 16, Female Drow, Lesbian. At 6ft2in tall and 180lbs, with ankle-length silvery hair that glows like moonlight and mithril armour, barefoot and always on the tips of her toes, she is a striking figure to behold. Believes herself to be fat, despite constant reassurances that she is just right for her height and, as Kíhyué puts it, “Simply incredibly dense.” Only considered to be in her 20s by elven standards at 144 years old, she is nonetheless a commanding presence on the battlefield, usually found taking charge and giving direction to her party in combat. Formerly known as Anaziah the Wrathful before she found the surface world and became a Paladin of Freedom, it is a concentrated effort to resist the evil in her bloodline but she determinedly pursues the exalted path she has carved out for herself. She is extroverted, excitable, exuberant, and bad at respecting the party’s personal space, most comfortable with one arm draped over Arekos, the other on Faendys, and a great big grin on her face. Faendys’ crush on her is reciprocated, though Anaziah is unsure about how she feels about her feelings for a number of reasons, mainly since she knows that a relationship between an Elf and a Drow would be frowned upon by most societies and doesn’t want Faendys to end up hurt by her selfishness.

Inimicia, Queen of the Assassins: Lawful Good, Level 20, Female Human Half-Vampire/Dark Creature. Heterosexual/Aromantic. Rarely seen, rarely heard, this intimidating 5ft8in tall, 125lb woman is a half-vampire older than everyone in this party put together who has been in Kíhyué’s position of accidental parenthood for longer than he’s been alive, though she isn’t always present in the group. She is, after all, the leader of the infamous Assassins, and has dozens of her own adopted adventurers and miscreants to take care of. Faendys is one of these adopted children, as is Kíhyué to some extent, which is why she checks in on them so frequently. Outwardly harsh, always pressing them to do better, she is inwardly incredibly proud of them. When she is around, everyone instinctively looks up to her and follows her lead, giving Kíhyué a welcome break from leadership. Arekos is always happy to have her around, as her lawful presence and immeasurable wisdom amidst the madness helps soothe his anxieties. She fights with a style somewhere between Kíhyué’s and Faendys’, having taught both of them most of what they know. Her style is based on the unity and mastery of mind and muscle, blade and body, light and shadow. She is an enigmatic figure that, after multiple millennia of fighting by her side, Kíhyué is finally beginning to understand.

Xadrea Shadowborn: Exalted Chaotic Good, Level 17, Female Centaur/Dark Creature, Asexual/Demiromantic Lesbian. If one manages to spot this stealthy pony (for she never steps out of shadows, ever), one would see her standing a little over 8ft tall, often levitating 3 inches above the ground with enchanted horseshoes, clutching a spear tightly in nervous, worrying hands, with pitch black armour and feathery angelic wings typically kept hidden by a hat of disguise and a symbiotic suit. Her eyes are dark, anxious, and overwhelmingly sad, as though containing a hundred years of horrors though she has only truly seen eight. By far the youngest member of the group, at 24 years of age she is wise far beyond her years, having seen more shit in the past 8 years than Kíhyué has in a thousand. Due to her various traumas, she is terrified of power, law, authority, devils, Aasimar, and mages. Distant, paranoid, and panicky, she is impulsive, and reckless, but above all determined to make the world a better place and ensure that the forces of good will always prevail. Strong-willed with a sense of justice and honour that doesn’t always conform to what one would expect of a heroine, her favourite hobby is stealing large and heavy things that seem impossible to steal (for instance, the alp horn of an evil bard the instant before they put their lips to it to play, or the massive bronze alarm bell from an enemy watchtower). She has achieved immortality and has incredible cosmic-scale influence through her victory in a tournament in a universe that no longer exists, though she turned down the opportunity to become an overdeity herself she is still connected mentally to Heironeous and the overdeities of this and several other universes, but keeps this a secret as best she can, preferring the appearance of madness to that of power.

Kíhyué is fiercely protective of this found family, though he is socially awkward at best and finds it difficult to show he cares. He is particularly fond of Xadrea, and she him, as they have bonded over their similar experiences and understand each other better than any of the others can. The feeling was sudden, mutual, and something neither of them fully understood: it was called friendship, and they were both terrified at the prospect of it. Xadrea, Kíhyué, and Arekos are always the voices of reason, though the latter two frequently have to counter Xadrea’s more paranoid reasonings with logic to reassure her (she eventually begrudgingly accepts their attempts, but is always prepared with an “I told you so,” just in case). Faendys is typically silent during tactical discussions besides the occasional unsettlingly intuitive remark, whereas Anaziah is impossible to silence. Whenever Faendys is present, it is almost impossible to separate them from Anaziah since they are both naturally cuddly people and seem practically magnetically attracted to one another. Arekos finds the constant chaos stressful and confusing, and often wonders how his longtime hero and friend manages to deal with the rabble. Inimicia, who has a look of permanent exhaustion about her, simply advises Arekos to just give up on peace and quiet forever. Kíhyué echoes her sentiment, much to Arekos’ dismay. Éomer is simply happy that, after all this time, his companion’s heart has finally found a home in this band of misfits and wanderers, relative peace, and a place that he feels he belongs.

#rixa's arts #character reference #lots of fluff and happy feels in the character descriptions (at least I think so anyway) but it is long... if you have time give it a read?#original characters #these are some of my most precious OCs be kind to them they need it

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